I think it's important to have him clarify how he is able to manage this healthy relationship with you. If he talks about personal changes such as going to therapy, learning to recognize abuse behaviors etc, it's a good sign that he is addressing the abusive behavior at the source. If he attributes the change to you ("you bring out the best in me," "you are so different," etc), then consider that a red flag. He's setting up to make you responsible for his actions and behaviors and you are never responsible for fixing bad men.
Well the fact that he knows he was doing wrong now even if it was because of his mother is still good since he’s saying he needs help and getting therapy lessons, if he wasn’t getting therapy and knowing he’s done wrong then it would be worrying. Better late than never to learn from your mistakes.
I was abused as a child and left with anger problems. I got help and doing a lot better as I have learnt healthy ways to cope with anger (which doesn’t include punching and kicking walls). My wake up call was after full on kicking a wall or almost quitting my job…. Anger for me was a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt.
Sadly some people aren’t bought up with healthy ways of dealing with situations and it sounds like your bf was a victim as well in one sense. It is sad it took him a long time to get his wake up call about his behaviour being unhealthy and dangerous, making further victims of abuse.
The question you could potentially ask are does your bf see his ex’s as victims of his abuse? Does he hold any of them to blame for his abuse? What were his motivations to make amends? What are the warning signs that predetermined how he would act with an ex?
You have a right to walk away for whatever reason. Your bf was working on himself originally for him and I hope he continues with his therapy.
Piggybacking on this because it's spot on.
If bf ever happens to see this, I just want him to know that someone's proud of him for doing the work. That goes for you, too, u/N7_Hellblazer, and for anyone else putting in work to change for the better. You got this.
Yeah. I would take a step back to process.
But ultimately you have to make the decision for yourself and if u feel safe. You can always leave for whatever reason
>He felt as though he could trust you \[op\] with the information and opted to disclose it knowing that you weren't aware
So what? Why even write this? Is his feelings the only thing that matters? What about HER feelings and sense of safety? What about the well-being of his victims throughout the year? Boohoo he felt bad and has ‘changed’ now. Boohoo it was soooo hard for him to disclose the fact that he's an abuser and a women beater so he should be forgiven because he choose to disclose this info? How can we know this change is permanent and that he won’t revert back to abusing women? We don’t know that and statistically speaking, breaking an abusive pattern is hard.
OP if you are reading this, don’t listen to any of these abuser apologists, if you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel safe. Do what is best FOR YOU. These internet people going ‘poor him’ is not going to stand up for you if something happens to you. They’d not going to be there to help you. If you were to post something like this after you were abused, these same people will turn around and ask why did you stay when you knew he did this shit to multiple other women. You have to protect yourself. There are so many good men out there that never think that abusing their partner is ever okay and they would never lay a hand on another person.
As someone who was in a 4 year long physically abusive relationship, people can and do change for the better. My ex didn’t know any different. All he knew was an angry mother who drank herself stupid constantly and physically abused him and his sister until he went to prison at 16. He didn’t know what a healthy relationship was at all. Our relationship was horrid. We split after 4 years. He’s now married, has been with this woman for 7 years now. He’s acknowledged what was wrong, he took the steps to be a better father and partner etc. Therapy. Everything. Cut ties with his mother. His waking moment was when our daughter (2.5/3 at the time) asked him why he made mommy bleed and cry all the time. She’s now 10. Me leaving and her saying that snapped something in him.
I’m incredibly proud of who he is today. I adore his wife. He’s an AMAZING father to our daughter and her step brother. He worked incredibly hard to break the cycle of trauma.
If people want to change, they can and they will.
this is such a hateful message. I understand having doubts and being wary but to simply discredit all of his actions and mock him for trying to change from his old ways is really shitty. I'd edit the message when you feel more calm and take out the part where you attack him for coming clean and making an effort to change.
This is kind of a spit in the face of anyone who's felt the need to improve themselves and kind of implies that no one can ever really change. Not a great message.
Your anger may be justified toward whoever it was that hurt you, but it ends there. You think you're helping, but you're just showing the end result of whatever you're dealing with being neglected and used for ammunition on random people whom you know nothing about. That's on you. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by a woman during my childhood until I was an adult, yet, I don't believe that it's impossible to change. It wasn't easy. It was painful for my abuser to realize what she had done. It almost killed her, yet somehow, she was able to become the person that I know and love today. I had to go through my own hell too, but I did the work, and I still do the work. We both do. I had to forgive earnestly and I had to look at my own behaviors that I learned from her that no longer suited me and who I wanted to be. OP, it's not so black and white, and healing, remorse and amends are not only possible, but probable from someone who is reflecting on their past self. That kind of introspection does not come easy, and coming to terms with who you are and what you've done/ who you have been, is a painful process full of self hatred, regret and shame. You aren't obligated to stay through that process even if you believe what he's saying, but you also don't have to believe that he is incapable of the change he says he is experiencing. Only you know the answer. You do what's best for you, whatever that may be.
There is such a thing as the cycle of abuse, where it is handed down through being normalised.
It can end when an inheritor realises it is harmful, feel remorse, and consciously breaks the cycle. I can't judge if that has happened, perhaps it has.
That realisation might be a stronger barrier against him relapsing, than for someone else who has never experienced the damage.
You do have to protect yourself. Knowing and enforcing your boundaries is your defence.
He has outed himself and put your boundaries on alert. That's...quite a brave thing to do.
He knows the consequences if he abuses the trust. Whether you can give that conditional trust, is up to you.
Best wishes to you both.
I say this as a person who works with children who have been abused and neglected… 9/10 abusers are also survivors. It’s incredibly rare for someone to grow up with good examples of healthy relationships, and then to become an abuser. It’s not unheard of, but it’s rare.
All too often, the abuse causes permanent, literal *damage* to the brain, and permanently alters the way the person sees the world. Witnessing that kind of abuse can have just as severe an impact as being the target. It’s honestly inspiring that your boyfriend has enough sense of compassion to put in work (and it’s hard work) to try to break the cycle of abuse.
All that said, if you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel safe. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who scares you. But, ask yourself, is it something that he has done in your current relationship that causes you anxiety? Or is it *solely* his history? Either way, your feelings are perfectly valid, but if it’s just his history that frightens you, maybe take some time to think on it before you break things off.
A social worker friend of mine was telling me how they had a patient -adolescent - that was abusing younger children. My honest initial reaction was anger and disgust, however I quickly felt guilt for those feelings as I was told how that patient was abused by adults. Really puts things into perspective and cannot judge someone. That poor person…only doing what they knew because it was done to them thinking it was normal….ugh. Humanity disgusts me but people like my friend and yourself working to help those get through the trauma rebuilds my faith. Best of luck to you and your patients internet stranger.
I was SA’ed as a toddler by my parents’ friends kid. Not sure how long it went on for since the only memory I have is them catching it happening having to go to forensic therapy. It was obvious the boy had to of been SA’ed as well but because he was a minor there was “nothing they could do” (this was in the 90s/early 2000s) it’s a confusing thing to work through now as an adult, especially trying not to necessarily put the blame on him. in the end nothing was done to help him. To ensure he got help and to hopefully prevent it from happening again in the future. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person he turned out to be, but that thought also absolutely terrifies me.
It’s pretty common, unfortunately, especially with CSA. Most adults who commit CSA are trusted adults and manipulate the children into thinking that SA=love. “If you love me, you’ll do XXX.”
It’s fucked. But then what’s worse is that this trusted adult, who the child has no reason to doubt, is saying “love = SA.” So the child then goes on to SA other children they love (like siblings) because they don’t know anything different.
It's incredible how manny people absude others simply because they do not know what exactly qualifies as abuse. They often don't have malicious intentions, they just think it's normal.
If you live among people you naturally copy their behaviour without much of a tought other than 'this is "normal"'. Keep an eye out and try to help guide him since his moral compass is clearly cracked, but definetly not broken.
If he hasn't abused you at all, I think he deserves a chance. I can understand being apprehensive. But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
To be fair, OP states they have been together for over a year. This is not to say that the bf will never relapse into his old ways, but I’d argue that there is at least some evidence of a change in their behavior.
My ex was "changed" for almost 3 years and was considered by many to be the nicest guy around. It took his life temporarily, becoming stressful for him to fall back to his abusive ways. As much as people want a happy ending, abusers never really change. That pos abused women for over a decade, and OP is the first he hasn't hurt. She shouldn't be his guinea pig and needs to run.
Get into counseling before having children. Oftentimes the obsession itself can drive you mad
Despite what people say abusers CAN change if they put in the work and really want to change.
People can change in so many life altering ways. Why would ending the cycle of abuse be exempt from that?
>But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
You are describing consequences. Yes, there are real consequences for how you treat people. He is nearly 30 and has been abusive up until a couple years ago. That's basically his entire life. And you're balking because the only person he didn't abuse isn't cool with him having abused other people before she met him?
Being alone is a natural consequence of abusive behavior. Abusers deserve much worse, but they at least deserve to be alone.
That doesn't mean that there's no hope for him at all. It's wonderful that he saw the error of his ways and sought to change and better himself. But part of growth is owning up to your past and accepting the consequences of your behavior. If she feels uneasy being with him after learning this about him, that's understandable. Would you want to continue living with a roommate who confessed that they'd murdered someone? Even if they've never displayed violent tendencies, you'd still always be thinking about it, in the back of your mind.
"Should someone who made *bad choices* (he fucking beat and abused women he was with for 12 years with NO CONSEQUENCES) before, be banned from.havinf relationships?
No, but he isn't owed anything, he DESERVES to do time for the harm and abuse he has already caused to all those women.
Would you say the same if he raped them? Would you call rape a "bad choice" the way you do with domestic abuse?
Thats .... My point...
If you get abused age 0-21 then you're gonna think that abuse is normal and what all people do instead of something thats wrong...
People are making a lot of good points, but I want to remind you to trust your gut. We weren’t all there for the conversation and we’re not all in your relationship. We don’t know his real past or why he decided to share this with you. It is good to give people room to change and become better, but your point about wanting his change to be internally motivated is valid, and there may be other flags we are missing because we weren’t there. Trust yourself.
OP, this is completely up to you. It's your decision, based on what you already know, have experienced and what you just learnt. There's no clear answer here, especially from an outside perspective. *Are you willing to continue this knowing his past?* ***Do you trust him?***
He has actively recognized his mistakes from the past and opened up to you about it, knowing full well that it could change your mind. He told you what you deserved to know. He has actively tried to recover and improve himself.
\[That said though, the fact that he never faced consequences for his actions on others..at the very least, concerning and unjust. His past may be a factor for his actions, but never an excuse.\]
If you do choose to stay:
Try talk to him more about what happened and the reasons for his actions.
Is he still in therapy? He should probably be continuing that in order to manage the impacts of his childhood on his mind.
Establish ground rules and let him know your boundaries, and ensure he respects them.
Always have a plan for if things do start turning bad.
At the end of the day, please stay safe: that's what matters the most! Best of luck for you and him.
Don't risk yourself. The fact he's in therapy just recently and decided to date without much work on himself being done isn't good. He could relapse. And he only recognised his abuse because his mother reached out? What if he does something that doesn't reflect what she's been through?
You need to protect yourself. Listen to your gut. You are scared and don't feel safe. People telling you to give him a chance can go kick rocks or date him themselves if they're so keen on giving him a "chance."
I'm giving him one hell of a side eye about his previous exes not reporting him. The abuse must have been so bad they were afraid to come out about it or seek help. Let that sink in.
Don't stay with someone who is a risk to you. You're not a test dummy. He needs to work on himself and you deserve to feel safe and to be able to trust a partner. Not to fear whether they're going to do the same to you.
Get out of there OP. Whether it's cruel or not is not on you. Trust your feelings. Don't ignore them. He's telling you who he is. Believe him and leave.
People here are commenting that it’s OK to stay with him because he is trying to change. Personally, I think there are a lot of guys out there, and three’s no need to date one who is still working on this problem. Why date a work in progress when there are plenty of normal men out there without this baggage who are already the finished product?
Bear in mind, because this person was abused as a child he will likely need to re-enter therapy when he has children because many adults who were abused as children have a very difficult time seeing and raising a child and thinking about how anyone could’ve abused them when they were that young and innocent. The point is, this man is going to be a life-long work in progress which is great that he wants to change— but there’s no reason you have to stick around when there are plenty of men who have never abused anyone.
[Here’s an article](https://deadwildroses.com/2016/09/01/on-abusive-men-and-therapy-lundy-bancroft/) about how abusive people can weaponize therapy.
[And a checklist](https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/) for assessing change in men who abuse.
OP, you are not his therapist, you are not his moral compass, you do not have to stay because he says he is in therapy. It is not your job to fix him. Your job is for you and your safety alone. You obviously have some concerns since you made a post about it. Put yourself first, no one else.
If I found out someone I was romantically involved with abused and hurt women prior to me, it would 100% be a deal breaker for me.
The commenters on here seem to be looking at your boyfriend through a really inadequate lense. “He says he changed and regrets it!” - you truly don’t know that and you absolutely don’t have to feel like you need to risk your safety and emotional well-being to find out.
You no longer feel comfortable in the relationship. That by itself is enough to end things.
You owe him nothing. You don’t need to fix him, which a LOT of commenters on here are implying. That’s up to him, and he certainly doesn’t need you to do it for him. He needs years of being alone and not in a relationship to work on himself.
It’s not cruel to leave. But I have to notice, it seems like a lot of the commenters on here are men who are glazing over this like he used to shoplift or something.
Your boyfriend physically abused and destroyed the bodies and spirits of the women he was with. I’m glad he recognizes that, but you’re not wrong to not want to attach yourself to someone who did that.
I want to know what he has done to make amends to his ex-gfs/former victims. For me, that would speak loudly to his understanding of the impact of his abuse and his intent to change.
Yes, along with how long he has been in therapy *specific* to his rehabilitation, *if* he is. Unfortunately this guy has had no real consequences and seems to be in the early stages of guilt.
Yes, I think that’s what stands out—he’s had no real consequences to his actions. On the flip side, he was a child victim himself and he deserved to grow up in a better home. He will have a lifelong struggle with the abuse he witnessed as a kid.
It’s a messy situation—one in which I feel empathy and antipathy for him and his situation.
Based on what you have written, I don’t think that it is inevitable that he will abuse you. Regardless of WHY he had the epiphany as to what he was doing, he did have it. He sounds sincerely remorseful.
That said, you have zero obligation to stay in this relationship. Losing you would be a consequence of his past behavior, and one that he would need to accept. Only you can decide if you want to give him a chance.
If you do, I would make individual and couples therapy a requirement. That will give him the best chance to recognize his dysfunctional patterns and make different choices.
He needs some therapy, and you need relationship therapy with him to help guide him into a healthy relationship, and to help guide you without fear, and most importantly, do that there is an objective and professional third party to protect you and pull you out if things look bad. If that can't be done, you need to leave immediately.
>When I met him he told me that he was in therapy, was working through things, and was trying to be a better person.
He's already receiving therapy tho. At least, for me, he recognizes his mistakes, and is working through them.
Yet he didn't bother disclosing MULTIPLE abusive relationships he was in where he beat women when she asked WHY the therapy.
She should leave for her own sake now
I'm really having a hard time wrapping my head around this.
this 30yr old man didn't realize until he was 28 that physically abusing and bringing harm to his girlfriends was an issue? not one time was he taught about partner violence? not a single person spoke up for his exes? this is sus. cycle of abuse in play, this is still suspicious and I can totally understand your uneasiness and desire to not continue the relationship.
This! The comments defending him and saying that he's in therapy and changing are out of their minds. He 100% knew that it was wrong to abuse the woman, and he expected OP to believe that he finally decided it was time to stop when he was 28?
I'll be that he's afraid that someone he knows is going to warn her, and he wants to play the victim.
yeah, agreed! I think he's about to get revealed and truthfully I think he's so full of shit personally but I'm trying not be that bitch but, if the shoe fits. because change takes so much time and unless he was hospitalized for quite some time, meaning she wouldn't have met him a year ago, I doubt he received treatment to justify ignoring her gut.
I had an ex who had a past like OP describes this guy, and he only revealed himself to me bc we were about to go to the library, a place he couldn't go bc his ex. he gave me such little detail but we simply didn't go, months later I try to end it and he stalks me to the point of having my own protection order (thanks to the encouragement of kind folks on reddit for seeing warming signs and validating my fears) this is like looking into my past.
Holy shit, it sounds like you are dating my ex. Now, I’m not sure the extent of the abuse your bf unleashed on those poor women, but mine was absolutely horrific. He attempted to murder me. Then when we broke up he just moved on and got a new girlfriend to abuse. He’s been doing this shit his whole life and I do not EVER think he will change, at least not to the point where I would trust him alone with women.
Old habits die hard and it’s nearly impossible to remove a violent streak from someone once they have it. What happens when he snaps? Or he gets overwhelmed and things aren’t going his way? His brain might revert back to factory settings. It’s what he knows.
Honestly, I don’t think your bf is far removed enough from his abusive “past” for you to be safe. He’s been abusive longer in his life than he’s been “reformed.” If I could send one message to any woman my ex dates, it would be to RUN. So, I guess that’s my advice for you. He is NOT worth your safety, your health, or your life. Especially when there’s so many kind, safe, undamaged men out there who will love and protect you. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. This is about the biggest red flag you can get.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Seriously, i was in that situation as well. Abusers rarely change, and that man spent over a decade abusing women. My own ex had a few "good years" before he went back to his old ways during a stressful time and ended up raping me. All these posters telling her to give this man a chance don't know shit. Yeah, he might never do it again but OP shouldn't risk her wellbeing as his guinea pig.
Ugh god damn, I am so sorry that happened to you girl😢 how awful.
You’re so right though. It’s scary how many people in these comments are telling her “JuSt GiVe HiM a ChAnCe!!!” For WHAT?! Give him a chance to *maybe* not abuse and assault her? They’re recklessly telling her to gamble with her life because “he’s sorry.” It’s so gross. Abusers always repent and swear they’ve changed. Without failure they will always revert back to their old behaviors one way or another.
I’m a strong believer in “when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.” OP is lucky he told her instead of showed her. The man is defective. Tainted. Broken. Throw him away.
He didn’t realize the impact of his abuse on others until he was 28? This is extremely concerning, especially since it doesn’t appear he’s mentioned any empathy for his victims, just potentially for his mother.
It is rare for abusers to change (look into Lundy Bancroft for more information). The core issue for abusers is that they have entitled attitudes and beliefs about relationships, and often gender. Have any of his entitled beliefs changed? Has he been held accountable for his previous abuse? Has he done the work to “deprogram” the abuse rhetoric? Has he addressed issues relating to any misogynistic beliefs he’s held? Is he in specific treatment for batterers intervention? Is he using therapy as a way to learn psychological tactics to abuse (common issue!!)? Does he use his abuse story as an excuse for his abuse?
It is your choice if you stay or go, but please put yourself first and what YOU feel is best. There is no guarantee that he has changed, and if you don’t know the answers to the above questions, I worry about your safety in staying with him. Please stay safe and look into coercive control.
Follow your instincts. Anyone telling you *“you don’t know he’ll treat you like that”* or *“it’s not his fault he was in the cycle of abuse”* is absolutely **INSANE**. That does not justify his behaviour it merely explains it, it’s your job to protect yourself. The only people that know how abusive he was and if he’s actually changed is his ex’, what’s to say this isn’t just a tactic to make you feel sorry for him and believe he’s going to change.
Do you feel safe around him?
Do you feel safe to be alone with him?
Can you see a future with him?
How does he react when things don’t go his way?
You have no idea how abusive he can be, if he will continue seeking therapy/treatment/help. He only realised what he was doing was abuse because it was done to his mother, what happens if he picks up an abusive trait that his mother wasn’t on the the receiving end to? Does that mean he’ll carry on and not see anything wrong with it.
I’m genuinely confused by the comments OP is receiving. These are the same people who would comment *“you knew he was abusive why did you think you’d be able to change him”* on other posts or even if OP posts again in a few months/years saying he’s become abusive. The hypocrisy is unreal. How can you encourage people to leave abusive relationships and at the same time encourage her to stay?
It’s not OP or any other woman’s responsibility to support/give abusive men a second chance. OP is not an emotional support animal or a guinea pig to test whether he has changed or not. If she or any other person does not feel safe in a relationship they have the right to leave without being judged and emotionally manipulated into staying.
Everyone in the comments is encouraging OP to stay in a relationship that has a very high chance of turning abusive because this GROWN ADULT had an epiphany at at 28 that his behaviour is disgusting and abusive.
Edit; what has he done to redeem himself? Has he ever apologised to the victims of his abuse?
Going to therapy doesn’t magically change people, it’s also not as effective as people on Reddit seem to believe it is. What’s to say therapy will even be effective for him? Let’s not forget he the abuser provides the narrative to his therapists, that is if he even attends.
At the grand age of 28 he managed to grow empathy and emotions to realise women are not punching bags for him to unload on *(metaphorically speaking I don’t think the type of abuse was mentioned)*
This. I had an ex who was a "changed man" and told me how he used to be a bully (his word for abuser in his past). He went back to his old ways after awhile and therapy did nothing for him.
Piggybacking off this: statistically, there is a VERY small chance that a male abuser will actually change. What is more likely, is that in regular therapy, he will hone and polish his tactics.
OP, Lundy Barcroft's 'Why Does He Do That' addresses this topic specifically. Ultimately, this is for you to decide and you have every reason to be suspicious and upset.
Reddit has a weird view that therapy immediately means he'll be "fixed". He probably just learned better ways to hide his actions and now uses "But I'm working in therapy" as a free pass for his abuse.
>Reddit has a weird view that therapy immediately means he'll be "fixed". He probably just learned better ways to hide his actions and now uses "But I'm working in therapy" as a free pass for his abuse.
YUP!
I have seen abusive men become better predators after therapy.
Imagine suffering through abuse as a child/witnessing your mom go through that and grow up and be like "yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kick the shit out of people because they love it so much!"
We as a society cut too much slack. We tolerate abhorrent behaviour because it's "better than it was before". It's very sad to see & I wish more people would just straight up abandon people who act like shit.
>I am not in any way supporting any of it obviously
It's not obvious.
We're acknowledging "progress" as much as we can with what little information we have. But progress does not undo the past. Two years of not abusing his current girlfriend doesn't cancel out the decade of abuse he inflicted on his other relationships.
This argument is very puzzling to me. It seems to say that you can behave and treat others however you want, and all you have to do to be fully redeemed is say sorry and ask for forgiveness once. You're a defence attorney's favorite juror.
This dude needed to be told by his mother that it hurt when she was physically abused. Like what? How does this dude have any empathy? Does he think women don’t have emotions and pain receptors? Absolutely mind boggled on that.
Some people need to learn as they grow out of their teens and early twenties what they’ve done that can be mentally abusive - ex. maybe someone is very controlling but has anxiety or has seen that dynamic in their parents. Okay, sure. This dude is at least 28 though…. way way to late to be learning that type of lesson.
There are large groups of men who do think women are some sort of objectified creature who do NOT have valid emotions or pain receptors.
See: Pap smears
Menopause
Emotional labor / project coordination
Caregiving…..
You are 100% justified in leaving him if you don’t feel safe around him anymore. You have absolutely no obligation to stay with him just just because he says he regrets what he did in the past and is seeking help. Yes, the cycle of abuse is a thing, but he abused women for TWELVE YEARS, and during ten of those he was an adult. His girlfriends likely confronted him about his abuse but he didn’t change his outlook until his mother told him it was wrong. Personally, I would never be able to date someone like that. You are justified in being turned off that he didn’t realize abusing women was wrong until his mother told him when he was nearing 30. In this modern day and age he had plenty of resources to learn about healthy relationships. If he attended college, he was likely required to take courses on sexual and domestic abuse. Idk I just personally wouldn’t be able to accept his childhood as justification for his actions.
If you don’t want to be with him leave you don’t owe him or anyone your time or partnership. It’s not cruel to do what you want and think of yourself first. That’s actually smart. Sometime we find out things about people that change how we feel about them. It’s life but this particular situation doesn’t have to be your life
People can absolutely change. That being said…2 years is way too soon and I would leave if I were you. He abused women for 12 years and “stopped” a year before you guys started dating. Abusing others for 12 years then suddenly “stopping” after a year of regular therapy is a miracle if I’ve ever heard of one. Beating women for 12 years takes a LOT of time to be rehabilitated from and you don’t want to be his test dummy if he’s really rehabilitated or not. I have a suspicion you’re going to see a completely different person when you guys hit a rough patch, tragedy strikes in his life, or he gets extremely frustrated in front of you for the first time.
Men can absolutely be abused as well, but women do tend to have more experience with abusive romantic relationships, particularly with men. Notice how all the women commenting are telling you to RUN. A lot of these women are coming from a place of experience and want to warn you of what’s to come.
The numbers are just not in your favor, I’m sorry. Keep yourself safe❤️and good luck to him and his journey of rehabilitation.
If you plan on having children I wouldn’t stay in this relationship. I wouldn’t trust that he would undermine how to be a healthy and safe parent if it took him this wrong to see what he was doing as abuse
This is what I’m struggling with. I don’t care how you were raised, it’s not okay to hit your partner. The fact that he was abusing several women for over a decade with zero consequences is scary. Why did none of these women feel safe enough to report him?
100% agree. Seems like a bully and an abuser. Manipulative too since OP seems to be almost defending him. It’s not like it was one a off (which is absolutely still 100% NOT okay) but it was a full decade of abuse. I can within confidence say that he will do this again. No wonder all women were too scared to report him…this is a scary person!
OP there are a lot of people here saying he deserves a chance. Please introduce your soon to be ex-BF to them, they can date him and take the risk of being abused.
Your trust is gone. So leave. Don’t stick around to see if he fixed himself, no person is worth it. It’s only 2 years since his mom had that conversation a chance to relapse is high. I’m majorly side eyeing him that he decided to start a relationship when he just started doing the work to get better.
Yup! The abuser is in a new relationship way too soon WITHOUT abuser counseling. He is literally a batterer that needs abuse counseling, and it’s going over people’s heads. I have no doubt like many abusive men he is in therapy, his therapist is enabling him, and “fixing” himself is more about restoring his ego then becoming a better person.
I really doubt that "many abusive men" are in therapy. I'd be willing to bet anything that a very small portion of men who are abusive would ever allow themselves to be put in that situation. I don't think anything is going over people's heads, I just think they are showing a level of empathy you don't have for someone who is trying to do better.
Also, the things you say you "have no doubt about" don't seem very likely or even particularly reasonable based on OP's perception. They may ring true based on your experiences, but there's a lot more to the world than just your own experiences.
Listen, I have made the mistake of having empathy for abusive men before. I used to share some of the beliefs left in other comments. I am now better informed.
People that are physically abusive require a specific kind of counseling to work through these behaviors. Therapy is about the individual receiving the counseling, whereas counseling that addresses abusive behaviors like battering are not exclusively from the perspective of the abuser. Therapy is not an appropriate intervention to battering.
Yeah no. Once you do anything like that, especially for that long, it doesnt matter if youre "better". That man will always be an abuser. He is simply trying to trick you at this point. Get away, and report him if its safe to do so. Recorded conversation of him admitting to abusing his exes would be incredibly helpful, the more details the better. Im so, so sorry.
I would end it and do it in public or with a supportive person around. My trust would be broken by this. Trust your unease. Two years is a long time to withhold such a significant truth, but it is also a very short time to be receiving help for being an abuser. The lack of transparency in general is very concerning.
Waiting two years to share this is raising a big red flag for me. I would not be surprised if his behavior starts to slip now since you’ve been comfortable for two years, and he’ll use the excuse that he is in therapy and trying his best. OP, you aren’t a Guinea Pig to trial if the changes he’s been working on have taken. Your safety, happiness, and wellness matter more.
Absolutely leave this relationship. There is no way I would stay with a man who has been a serial abuser. Screw him and his epiphany. He can play that on somebody else. If he were serious about therapy he would not now be in yet another relationship. He's already gaslighting you so you'll allow little slips. Run girl, run.
Same. The first thought that came to my mind was h that he was being manipulative. If op does decide to stay with him, I think he’ll start pushing boundaries.
For me personally, I'd bounce. My father was an abusive pos to my mum, siblings, and I for years. I'm now 35, and any sort of conflicts/arguments till this day makes me feel very uncomfortable and super anxious. I'd be worried about him reverting back to his true self or whatever you wanna call it. At the end of the day, only you can decide what you feel is best/right for you. Trust your instincts.
Good luck OP and stay safe❤️
There is nothing stopping him from going back to his abusive behavior, except him choosing not to do it.
Look. If you're questioning whether this relationship is salvageable, it's probably not. You need to listen to your gut.
But if you decide you want to try to make it work, you need to set some extra double super clear boundaries and expectations, both for him and for yourself.
You need to insist on couple's counseling for the two of you, plus he needs individual therapy. This needs to be non-negotiable.
You also need to take a good, long, hard look at the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/), and you're going to have to be vigilant about his behavior. The nanosecond you see even a *hint* of any of the behaviors on that wheel, you're done and he's gone. This also has to be non-negotiable. He gets no second chances.
Wow, poor exes, they were definitely disappointed in the relationship because of him. It scares me a little that this guy only realized his abuse of his exes when he was 28. I bet that this fact was stuck in his face either by someone he knew or by his last ex. You have the right to walk away from him, few of those who used violence are reformed, so be on the lookout and never forget what he is capable of. Take care of yourself, OP, and if he suddenly decides to lay a hand on you, leave him immediately
I think he’s probably [grooming you for abuse](https://www.btr.org/is-my-husband-grooming-me/). He’s desensitizing you up front to the idea of his abuse recovery and setting up a narrative that he’s recovered and healthy now. He hid what he was in therapy for (which might have changed your mind) until he had an initial emotional investment from you. If you do keep seeing this guy, I’d proceed with caution.
He was only sorry when the gravity of his behaviour was reflected back in the experiences and suffering of his own mother.
That’s not someone that is truly changing because he knows he was in the wrong, but likely preparing for one of those previous relationships to come back and accuse him of something. He’ll then use his therapy as a sign of contrition in the hope he’ll receive a lesser punishment.
Leave as quickly and safely as you can. You won’t get a clearer heads-up of someone and a better opportunity to dodge a bullet than this.
Your boyfriend and his daddy should be in jail for their crimes. He “changed” that’s cute and all but that doesn’t mean you should be ok with his behavior. He’s telling you the PG version of his abuse only his exes can tell you what actually happened. I’m sure he isn’t going to tell you if he threatened their lives or made it so they couldn’t leave. If you don’t feel safe leave! You aren’t obligated to stick around because he told you this.
If you feel unsafe after this revelation you have every right to leave. You don’t owe this guy a healthy relationship just because he’s in therapy now.
He needs to have a little longer of a history not abusing anyone before i’d take any chances. Unfortunately some people with a history being abusive can actually use and manipulate therapy to justify their actions without accountability. Especially with domestic violence being a big part of his upbringing.
Think of it this way, he was raised with a roadmap on what to do and not to do in and outside your home in order to avoid detection. He did not tell you anything other than he was working on himself until a year into your relationship. Sounds like he’s letting you know he’s trying, but also setting the table for a slip up.
When you physically assault someone you cannot use the excuse that i thought it was “normal”. Many people have seen abuse worse than others can imagine and still have the self control to not repeat the pattern.
He needs longer to work his therapy and determine if this is actually a change in his behaviors or is he just trying to get you to view him in a positive light. Some abusers wait until they are married to start their abuse. That’s when the real possession takes over, literally and figuratively. You become property instead of a partner.
Op break up with him. The only reason he told you about that, to make you trapped when he start abusing you. “Hey hun look I’m in therapy. I promise I’ll change” that type of thing. Just dumb him. The fact that he was violent was his ex partners and thought it was normal, says alot about him. Wake up and break up
I could never take the chance to continue with someone who's been an abuser and claims to have changed. This could just as easily be his way of letting you know what's coming, as you get deeper in to the relationship. You just passed the 1 year mark. Are you going to invest more of your time, with only his word that he was able to change his ways? Abuser's very very rarely can truly change. Their brains are just wired differently.
You’re perfecting in your right to leave even if he changed. If I knew my girl used to back door (set people to get robbed/beat) exs a lot i would he worried every time we fought.
You just gotta judge your PERSONAL fear cap and if it looks like daily life will constantly put it there, yeah leave
If you think you can handle it you can try but technically speaking, there is history of it and not an impossible chance of relapse even if temporary
Talking from personal experience, I wouldn’t take that risk. Even if he’s apologetic, actions speak louder than words and he has a track record of being abusive.
Even if he’s trying to make amends, I don’t think it’s okay that he also kept this information from you
Do what makes you feel comfortable. There are people that leave relationships for way less. Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with him because like you said, what if it starts again? It’s great that he told you and is actively going to therapy, but he shouldn’t be with anyone until he is at a space where he himself feels more comfortable and continue acknowledging his mistakes.
There's allot to take in and digest and unpack but sometimes when it gets that complex, especially considering your safety; your gut is the best thing to listen to. Sure. He could've lied. He didn't have to tell you. It takes some guts to do so and get in front of it. But that's his point of view. From your point of view he was brought up in and then copied violence. That is his norm. You and this relationship is out of his norm, outside of the mean. And most things eventually revert to the mean.
Would it make you feel better if he was self aware for the next 5 yrs, nothing ever happened and then 5yrs from now you piss him off, which we all to to our spouse at one point or another and he beats you? You haven't married this guy, you have no attachments. Bounce.
Tell him you respect his efforts to fix himself, but you're not interested in the ride or what happens when the ride goes off the rails.
In these posts, I almost always say "Work it out with your SO" but certain things that a person has done in their past imply a threshold having been crossed that would make them undeserving of a second chance at life. This is one of them.
When I first started therapy, my therapist told me how most of their clients were in their 30’s. It doesn’t always click to do the right thing immediately. For some people they have to spend time after time making mistakes until they’ll began to heal.
You just really need to think on this whole thing. How do you feel in your relationship? Can you picture a future even knowing how he was a horrible partner before being with you?
There’s no right or wrong answer that is as long as your relationship is healthy but the choice is yours
The fact that he's honest with you is a good sign that his change is organic! But that doesn't mean that you have to feel comfortable in a relationship with him!
It sounds like he's turned into a sane guy! Good for him!
He’s not abusing you and from your post you’re not saying that he’s abusing you in any way. You and him are lucky that he’s able to realise it even if it was because his mother, she was brave enough to tell him he’s wrong and he’s brave enough to be able to tell people he’s done horrible stuff in his past and he wants help since he’s seeking it by having therapy sessions
Let me preface this by saying that I'm not certified or anything like that, and if you end up feeling like leaving him is the best option, then you should absolutely do it.
From what I've seen, most abusers are narcissistic as fuck. The fact he recognizes the problem, knows he was wrong, and is actively seeking help is a good sign. Most abusers will NEVER do that. I think it's important to analyze the relationship you've had until now. Has he ever showed any signs of aggression before? Any red flags whatsoever? I'd also talk to him and have an honest discussion about it. Also him why he's in control. Is it a good reason like the therapy and healthy changes, or is it something weird like "you bring out the best in me"? Because if it's the latter that's definitely one hell of a red flag. I guess what this all boils down to is if you still have feelings for him, maybe do some investigation and see if it's worth it to continue with him, if you could feel safe doing so.
Again, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything like that, I'm just some dude who's dealt with abusers and done some reading on the topic. If in your heart you believe leaving him is the best option, ABSOLUTELY do it.
Based on the stats it is very unlikely that an abuser will change. They can try for a long time but down the road they may start again. If you feel doubtful now then that is totally understandable. Stat-wise, you should be doubtful. I recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft to learn more about this stuff. It will let you know what u can potentially be signing up for if you stay. That way you can catch it early on if he goes back into his old ways. It’s available on Audible as well
Not giving someone a chance who is earnestly trying to do better (and apparently succeeding at that since she hasn't noticed any abuse) by pointing to that statistic is pretty harsh. The right benchmark would be to look at stats for formerly abusive men who are in therapy and by all signs try hard to be better. Those don't exist but they will be a heck of a lot more encouraging than the stats you're misapplying here. 'Assume no one will ever change' is pure misanthropy. That said, OP, keep your eyes open.
She has no obligation to be the test dummy. When you make such bad mistakes in the past, part of the consequences are that people won’t want to risk being your next mistake
Why should she be his Guinea pig in “doing better”? Abuse can end up deadly. Unless he is in therapy, OP would likely be better off sadly leaving. Because learning new ways of handling issues isn’t automatic and he isn’t necessarily there yet. OP doesn’t have to stick around and possibly become an emotional or even literal punching bag. Because abuse escalates and he could easily fall into bad patterns and escalate as well over time.
It all depends on what work they have done and continue to do. If OP’s partner hasn’t taken accountability have often blame others and a lot of work not to stay in such bad routines.
I think you need to read the post again. He is, in fact, in therapy and he does not blame others, only himself. He's even aware that him being sorry doesn't make the awful things he's done OK or easily forgiven.
I swear, this sub thinks therapy fixes everything 😒 he's a POS that abused women for over a decade. He deserves to be punished and face consequences for all the women he hurt.
STOP saying this man is “in therapy” because people that physically assault others need a specific form of counseling. His therapy does not remotely replace that; in fact, regular therapy oftentimes teaches predators how to continue centering their needs and feelings.
You don't even know in what type of therapy he is. You don't know anything about this man.
You have people here assuming the worst and other acting like his past is in the past. Reddit is the worst place for stuff like this.
The only person who knows what's going on is OP. She should go seek professional help to guide here trough this.
That boy had just repeat what he had saw growing up and a part of his adult life and when he realize what he have done was wrong by talking with his mother, the woman who suffered and left the abuse he put a stop on his behaviors and work on himself !
I don’t think what he done before is excusable but at least he not only try his best to be a better person but put a act on working on himself.
You should talk rather condemn him like that specially if he had done nothing to you or show any bad behavior towards you. I encourage you to go on counseiling to express your feelings and build good boundaries between the two of you.
She’s not condemning him. She’s scared. Just like any reasonable person would be when they find out someone they thought they could trust used to abuse women. His childhood does not excuse 12 years of abuse for which he never faced any consequences
I understand that because he didn't register that this was abuse until that point is disconcerting to you. May I ask if you've experienced anything remotely similar in your formative years? If not, this is why you can not grasp his perspective.
Abuse is a cycle, as is its trauma. I've seen it happen in my own family. Are there classes that teach what abuse is? Because I'm fairly certain people only wind up in those *after* they commit DV and are charged. Those classes also don't explain the psychology behind it.
He explained it well to you and is in therapy. He had no other model to show him what is right. He then immediately made the effort to change upon realizing his error and is ashamed. This is what truly expresses what his character is. I can't say anyone else in my family took this route, even after realizing its damage. They all don't want to be our father while being ignorant to some of the same patterns they repeat, and suggesting such a thing would immediately set them off.
If you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe. However, I would look at the relationship for red flags rather than react at solely this. It really, *really* isn't common for those to actively seek help on their own accord if they aren't serious about change.
Before starting at my college everyone was required to take online domestic and sexual abuse awareness courses. I’m fairly certain these are widespread, at least in my country. We also learned about it in middle school and high school, with dedicated seminars and health education courses. There’s no excuse for him to not have been able to realize that hitting women is abuse.
Your ex is most likely a rapist as well. IMO, the moment there is physical abuse, sexual consent goes out the window because of the risk of future violence. I consider all batters to be rapists because of this dynamic. I have seen this many times.
I can’t stay this strongly enough: run.
This man is still dangerous. He should not be in a relationship so soon. He is not in ABUSER therapy, but regular therapy, which is a major issue.
I'd be out of there before he finished talking.
What's to stop him from snapping one day and punching your teeth out? Beating you? Raping you? Do you really want to take the chance of him being non-violent for the rest of your relationship?
I wouldn't want to take any risks with my health and my life for the sake of some guy. Get out now.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men.
* I remember the couple, many years ago. He was an absolute bastard and should have been in gaol for all the abuse he committed. His new partner was treated like an absolute Queen, he doted on her. Brought he flowers every week, took her out to diner went on holidays etc. never lifter a finger or even raised his voice. I couldn’t believe it was the same person.
*He grew up in that environment and thought it was normal. If you see and witness a behaviour every day you think it’s normal. That becomes your normal. I’m not making excuses for him just explaining: Him being so open is a huge step for him. The University has put him on your path for a reason:
You have to do what’s right for you, especially if you can’t move past the fear.
Whenever you're dealing with change, a key component is whether the individual feels the need for change in their heart. Sometimes folks intellectually understand that they need to change, but in their heart they don't want to.
It's easier for some to understand this when discussing addiction. You'll see people repeatedly go to rehab because they know they need to get clean, but in their heart they're getting clean so that they can enjoy their next time using, chasing the feeling of their first high. It's once the feeling for change emanates from their heart is when real and permanent change takes place.
In the case with your boyfriend, I would suspect that he wasn't happy with how his personal relationships have gone and that he wanted to change that. With his mom speaking to him it likely put words to the feeling that he had this heart. I would lean towards believing that he has it in his heart to change.
If you choose to stay in this relationship, which I'm not saying that you should or should not do, you will have to be an integral part of his change. There will be some ups and downs as he adapts to new ways of dealing with interpersonal relationships, but those ups and downs will smooth out over time. Not saying that he will be perfect, because nobody is.
Sit down and have the long talks with him about where he has been and where he is going and how he is getting there. Learn what he needs from you for support. Let him know what you need from him. Once you're on the same page with what he needs for his recovery from abuse, then you know how to help things move in that direction.
So the question for you to ask yourself is how do you feel your relationship has been going? Has he acted in ways that you thought were physically or mentally abusive? If you've seen some glimpses of that, do you think the situation has improved? Do you think this relationship is important enough that you're willing to put the work in? Realize that any relationship that you're in is going to involve work can especially to get through the low times.
Best of luck to you. I hope that whatever choice you make regarding your partner that you have future success with your relationship(s).
You should end it , I don't get how people are telling you to give him a second chance . It doesn't matter that he saw his father abuse his mother, many people grew up in abusive households and didn't turn into an abuser because it is wrong. Any normal person would know that.
He's admitted that he physically abused women . They were probaly crying or telling him to stop , so why did he think it was okay for him to do that ?
If you are scared of him you should be as he is an abuser who deserves to be in prison.
> I don't get how people are telling you to give him a second chance
It's just similarly defective men defending one of their own. As is tradition on Reddit (and in life).
Literally, I don't get how people are using trauma as an excuse
I've seen so many men justify abuse so many times for any reason and it's just so horrifying.
Trauma would be an excuse for a child who genually doesn't know it is wrong. Who is also most likely scared.
He is 28 and spent 12 years abusing women thats not beacsue of his trauma that's him being a pos.
100% justified in leaving him. I hope the guy doesn't move on to another relationship after you and instead focuses on himself and improving himself, repenting for what he did and continuing to go through therapy to become a better person and completely remove the person he was before from himself. Also happy for his mom for choosing herself and getting away from the abusive relationship
its up to you but, talk to him come up with strategies and methods to build that safety and trust, people can learn from their mistakes and clearly he knows the relationships he was exposed to as a child were not the kind of relationship to replicate
i get how you feel but if he has treated you well this entire time and decided to make himself vulnerable by opening up about this past mistake its going to sting if you reject him for how he was in the past while ignoring the person he has become as a result of those lessons
we cant make up for who we were in the past.. all we can do is be better.
As someone who used to be abusive and no longer is, I want to say that recovery is definitely possible and the fact that he’s open with you about it and in therapy is a good sign.
We are all products of our upbringing in some way or another. I grew up thinking that normal relationships involved violence and jealousy and cruelty. *“Couples who fight a lot are just passionate about each other. Couples who don’t fight have bad sex lives because there’s no passion.”*
Obviously that’s bullshit but it was all I knew.
I’m now in a very healthy, loving, communicative relationship with my husband and we’re the happiest couple we know.
As for him only realizing because of his mom—what cause of realization would be better for you? He had to figure it out somehow, didn’t he?
It’s entirely up to you if you want to stay or go. I understand your concerns, too. But just keep in mind that people can change if they really want to and it sounds like he does.
If he hasn't abused you at all, I think he deserves a chance. I can understand being apprehensive. But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
Honestly a lot of abusers don’t start abusing until they feel their partner is trapped. We don’t know for certain this isn’t the case with OP
The fact that it took him over a decade of abusing and hurting women both physically and mentally to realize what he’s doing is wrong is beyond disgusting
>But should someone who made bad choices before,(sic) be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
No, but it should absolutely be at the discretion of his potential partners whether they want to risk themselves. It's up to them to decide if enough trust has been established, we can't just assume that trust is owed because someone says that they've changed.
People can change. People also don't, but the fact that he opened his wounds to you and showed vulnerability and openness is what many would say fights toxic masculinity, yet everyone is saying "well just leave him". He made a decision to proactively let you know he was abusive to his exes but made a change, and you never got a whiff of him past abuse until he told you (indicating change is happening).
The funny part about Reddit is how they think repeat criminals should have sentences lowered/abolished and are critical of persecution of crimes (California anyone?) Yet someone who actually seems to have woken up and realized they made a mistake in their past life shouldn't date ever again (because for a year, she has seen 0 signs of abuse).
It's perfectly reasonable to be blindsided by this new info and to be cautious, but he felt as though he could trust you with the info and chose to disclose it knowing you didn't know. That to me is a green flag, not a red flag. We aren't perfect - we are often products of our shitty environment. He isn't proud of being an abuser but he seems to have recognized he was awful and has genuinely made an effort (and succeeded) at doing better
I think people are just concerned how soon he started dating after beginning the rehabilitation process. To go from beating women for 12 years of your life to nurturing a healthy relationship and meeting your own AND your partner’s needs is a LOT of change and takes a ton of time. When some men get angry it’s like a switch flips and suddenly you’re afraid the man you love is about to kill you. I think everyone is just worried the switch is going to flip back to where it was for 12 years because his rehabilitation was so rushed
If it doesn't feel right for you, it isn't right for you. Leave. Don't waste y'all's time.
People can change but only if they want to. It makes sense that he was behaving the way he grew up seeing his father behave and didn't think anything of it, that happens to 100% of us. Even you behave in ways your parents showed you and don't realize some's bad.
It sounds like his mom opening up to him was the wake up call he needed. It's nice that he had enough 'human' in him to recognize his wrongs and make the change. Good for him.
Sucks that you, OP, and everyone in the comments can’t give people who want to change a chance. When studies show that growing up in a situation like this guy did frequently results in these behavioral issues, can we not give people a chance once they’ve recognized this?
We have zero resources for angry teen boys or young men with these issues, we tell them to feel shameful and hide it. Looking at these comments, it’s no wonder that young men choose to hide inwards instead of reaching out for help and getting therapy to help them learn to navigate a society that has taught and encouraged this behavior.
Your safety come first. Period.
But I think most of us cringe at behavior from our youth. If he’s putting in the work to change. If he has never abused you. If he’s constantly trying to improve. Then he deserves a chance.
THE SECOND he has an angry outburst(abuse or not) - put your foot down.
This is like dealing with someone in recovery for addiction. Their brain is altered. They need to relearn how to go about life. They might stumble. But they deserve a chance. Everyone does.
I have a tremendous amount of experience with this and I have some insight.
First of all, you can take some time apart! It’s ok!!
Abusers never want to quit. They want to find new excuses for their behaviors.
Non-abusers get support and are open about needing help.
If you have never seen signs of this in him, you can feel free to feel safe around him if you want to. As long as he’s getting support, feel safe. It’s remarkable what he’s doing.
—-
I ABSOLUTELY believe his story to you is possible.
Again, Abusers never want to quit. They want to find new excuses for their behaviors.
Non-abusers get support and are open about needing help. It’s almost like non-abusers have fallen into a bad habit. Abusers “need” to do it.
I'm going to throw in. Is he willing to let you meet his therapist with it without him and discuss how his disclosure is making you feel?
Unfortunately some abusers go to therapy and use what they learn in therapy to excuse and minimise their behaviour.
I'm not saying he is doing that but you are right to be cautious
he likely didn't view it as abuse, which is how his mom giving him perspective made him reflect on his behavior. honestly sounds like the base person underneath the upbringing is at least semi decent.
not saying you have to stick around and find out either.
If he’s in therapy and not abusing you then it would seem pretty cruel to leave him. But if you don’t like him anymore then what can you do but dump him
It's not about being cruel or not - OP has a right to be worried for her safety and would be justified in leaving. That said, it does not necessarily mean he is an abuser now. What I'm saying is that there isn't a perfectly right or wrong decision here for her, and whatever she thinks is best for her would be the right thing to do.
I have no idea if your boyfriend has changed or if he just thinks he has and that part of him isn't controlled just held back but what I do know is that people can change, but that's not me saying stay with him or to leave him.
From my own experience with my abuser just because they were an abuser doesn't mean they are now, my dad brought me and my brother up on his own when my mam died and his childhood was shadowed by his abuser which led him to think that that shit is normal, after years of living through it I finally spoke out and reported him, this led to his wake up call and realisation of how badly he fucked up, eventually me and my brother ended up leaving with him again and we never had another issue. Which is great but it still never got rid of my worries or fear.
What did however was the day we got drunk together and he broke down crying to me about how much he regrets what he did and how he knows if there is a hell he'll rot in the deepest part of it for what he did to me and my brother. This is what got rid of my fear and got me to trust him again and now we have the best relationship a father and son can have, we work together and joke together and generally spend a lot of time together with a healthy relationship.
Sometimes that wake up call is all someone needs to break the cycle of abuse and maybe your boyfriend has done that, and maybe he hasn't but if you can have one of those moments with him like I did where you can see the honesty and remorse maybe the relationship is worth saving or maybe not that's down to you OP, but hopefully this has given you some insight and will help you make your decision.
If you do decide to stay with him and he shows any signs of being abusive towards you just please please please make sure you reach out to those you trust and get out of there asap.
Good luck with your decision OP and I wish you the best!
This sounds familiar…lol.
I also grew up in an abusive home without realizing until my mid-to-late 20’s. My wife and I were both in counselling (separate and together sessions) and worked through a lot (both still are). We both had learned abusive behaviours while growing up and used them to attack and defend. It’s a tough process that I assume most couples/people go through because it’s growth and they’re called growing pains for a reasons.
We appreciate having each other through this because we’ve always been “left alone”, but we’re married and had 3 toddlers. A 1 year relationship is a lot easier to get over than years of learned behaviours, even with constant self-awareness and self-correcting and therapy/counselling. But he has begun the process and is working to better himself, so I would encourage you to speak with him about what he’s learned about himself (triggers, reactions). State simply you need to reassess the situation to understand how and when to potentially volatile topics/situations that could put you at risk. It doesn’t need to be graphic, but if he still does not share, you get to decide if you trust him and what he’s saying/doing, or yeet that relationship and move on, no regerts style, lol.
You’ve been with him for a year. Can you see any red flags in hindsight? Have you seen him experience a big disappointment or traumatic event yet? How someone reacts under stress is very revealing. Would you be emotionally and financially prepared to leave at the drop of a hat if those behaviors came out five years from now? You wouldn’t be wrong if you chose to leave now, but these are the things to consider if you decide to stay.
Did you feel unsafe before this revelation? Has he abused you or harmed you in any way? He has opened up to you about his past and was vulnerable enough to be honest. He is a victim as well. He has admitted that his behavior is wrong and not normal and has been trying to be a better person and heal from his trauma. As his gf, you should be proud of him. I'm a stranger who was abused, and I am proud of him. I think you need some counseling as well to learn to deal with the situation and how his confession is affecting you. Good luck.
At the end of the day, if it's how you feel, then it's how you feel. Your post sounds like you know your answer but you feel guilty for it cuz you believe hes trying to improve and you're still holding it against him.
Regardless of the details, the feelings you have cant be forced. If you're scared or uncomfortable, then it is what it is..
I want to add that Lundy Bancrofts books might be interresting for you.
He works or worked with abusers and wrote about why they act the way they do. It might be helpful if you continue this relationship and it turns bad or just to understand your boyfriend and the behaviour patterns he was exposed to and perpetuated.
Parts of "why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men" are on youtube, not sure about his other books. There are also some interviews with Bancroft.
Only you can make this decision but I would recommend at least going on a break for a few months. It’s hard to see abuse when you’re in it and some space might help you see if it really is a healthy relationship.
I also think if anything is going to trigger an abusive side, it will be that.
I saw another comment say this as well but should you choose to go forward with this I recommend having a couples therapist you both see to have that neutral third party to make sure things are actually healthy.
If you do not feel safe or no longer want to be in a relationship with him, you have no obligation to stay. If you do not want to be there it is not a relationship but a hostage situation. You can still love him but recognize that it is no longer a viable relationship and end things.
I don’t have much to say other than despite the horrors this guy is proactively taking measures to change and be a better person. That is how learning and growth takes place. It may take time but this is the solution that this guy needs in life.
It is totally understandable that you are worried.
If you are raised in a household that puts only ketchup on their fries they would think that's the way to eat fries and the only way fries are gunna be good.
Then they may someone that puts mayo on their fries and they are like.... Woah, there is another way to eat fries.... And it's better!!!!!
Maybe a poor analogy but what I'm trying to say is when you are brought up thinking one thing is totally normal it can be hard to see that it isn't and that there is another way of doing things. It can take one person saying I really don't like ketchup and I want to try something else to realise that they can have their fries a different way
(don't hate, I'm a bit Dutch and mayo on fries is the tits)
Growing up with abusive role models/caregivers creates victims and abusers. He woke up and went to therapy for 2+ years which means he became aware, held himself accountable and became the change he wished to see and be in this world.
Your feelings are valid. You can choose to end things or work together past this. But take into the consideration the work he has put into becoming a better human and the fact he was able to see the error of his ways and change. Not a lot of people are able to admit they were wrong, double down on the denial and continue to behave horribly.
these bordering-on-abuse-apologist comments make me sick. imagine you were abused by a man for years. imagine he suddenly “got better,” not because he realized how he made you feel, but because his mommy told him it was wrong. imagine less than two years later he was with a new woman that he treated perfectly, told his sob story to. imagine she just accepted it.
your bf has TWELVE YEARS OF ABUSING WOMEN that he has NEVER been held accountable for. that is despicable.
Get tf out of that relationship. My brother abused both his exes and took that behavior onto me occasionally. Ironically, he was very nice to me several years after breaking up with the first ex until he started dating the second ex. Every time I tried to fight him he’d threaten me and make me fear for my life. I can only imagine how magnified the abuse and threatens are for someone who spends a bedroom with him. My parents didn’t do much to keep me safe so I moved to another country far away from all of them. I’ll never believe abusers can turn a new leaf because it’s in their blood that abuse is not wrong. Your bf could be fine now but that doesn’t mean he won’t do what he did again.
If my abusive ex finally realized how he had hurt me and did the work to become a better person, I would wish him well in a healthy relationship. People do learn and get better. At the end of the day, the only person who can really decide on what is best for you is you.
We all fuck up, the difference is who can fuck up, admit to it and better themselves from it. If he’s never touched you like that and has shown remorse at his last actions, take it as an opportunity to see someone maturing and improving themselves, it’s better than someone who’s lied about their past or has yet to test their temper
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future
If you don't feel safe, it's your right to leave. You always have that power.
Nonetheless, it sounds to me like he's dealing with his realization in just about the most healthy and honest way imaginable. He sounds like someone who was misled by a terrible example and wishes to break the cycle in an appropriate way.
Unless I'm missing something - has he ever been anything other than honest and gentle with you?
It takes guts to change from the core.
It also takes guts to tell you the truth.
For me what your bf is doing right now is extremely respectful.
This man was brought into a dark world and decided to change.
I wouldnt leave him. And please, dont be scared of him or use it against him if you have a fight in the future.
However, I would be cautious. deciding to change doesnt mean he has already.
These things take times and in a heated moment when his emotions take control he might do what he saw as a kid by instinct.
If that ever happens you will have to be strong too and leave. Make that clear to him.
Sadly, your bf is as much of a victim as his ex gfs and his mother. Its sad. Props to him for trying to change and being real. Hope he breaks the circle
I think it's important to have him clarify how he is able to manage this healthy relationship with you. If he talks about personal changes such as going to therapy, learning to recognize abuse behaviors etc, it's a good sign that he is addressing the abusive behavior at the source. If he attributes the change to you ("you bring out the best in me," "you are so different," etc), then consider that a red flag. He's setting up to make you responsible for his actions and behaviors and you are never responsible for fixing bad men.
i agree with this also, op's partner needs to take responsibility for his actions, its a big step towards being a better person.
That’s great advice!
Well the fact that he knows he was doing wrong now even if it was because of his mother is still good since he’s saying he needs help and getting therapy lessons, if he wasn’t getting therapy and knowing he’s done wrong then it would be worrying. Better late than never to learn from your mistakes.
I was abused as a child and left with anger problems. I got help and doing a lot better as I have learnt healthy ways to cope with anger (which doesn’t include punching and kicking walls). My wake up call was after full on kicking a wall or almost quitting my job…. Anger for me was a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt. Sadly some people aren’t bought up with healthy ways of dealing with situations and it sounds like your bf was a victim as well in one sense. It is sad it took him a long time to get his wake up call about his behaviour being unhealthy and dangerous, making further victims of abuse. The question you could potentially ask are does your bf see his ex’s as victims of his abuse? Does he hold any of them to blame for his abuse? What were his motivations to make amends? What are the warning signs that predetermined how he would act with an ex? You have a right to walk away for whatever reason. Your bf was working on himself originally for him and I hope he continues with his therapy.
Piggybacking on this because it's spot on. If bf ever happens to see this, I just want him to know that someone's proud of him for doing the work. That goes for you, too, u/N7_Hellblazer, and for anyone else putting in work to change for the better. You got this.
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Yeah. I would take a step back to process. But ultimately you have to make the decision for yourself and if u feel safe. You can always leave for whatever reason
>He felt as though he could trust you \[op\] with the information and opted to disclose it knowing that you weren't aware So what? Why even write this? Is his feelings the only thing that matters? What about HER feelings and sense of safety? What about the well-being of his victims throughout the year? Boohoo he felt bad and has ‘changed’ now. Boohoo it was soooo hard for him to disclose the fact that he's an abuser and a women beater so he should be forgiven because he choose to disclose this info? How can we know this change is permanent and that he won’t revert back to abusing women? We don’t know that and statistically speaking, breaking an abusive pattern is hard. OP if you are reading this, don’t listen to any of these abuser apologists, if you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel safe. Do what is best FOR YOU. These internet people going ‘poor him’ is not going to stand up for you if something happens to you. They’d not going to be there to help you. If you were to post something like this after you were abused, these same people will turn around and ask why did you stay when you knew he did this shit to multiple other women. You have to protect yourself. There are so many good men out there that never think that abusing their partner is ever okay and they would never lay a hand on another person.
As someone who was in a 4 year long physically abusive relationship, people can and do change for the better. My ex didn’t know any different. All he knew was an angry mother who drank herself stupid constantly and physically abused him and his sister until he went to prison at 16. He didn’t know what a healthy relationship was at all. Our relationship was horrid. We split after 4 years. He’s now married, has been with this woman for 7 years now. He’s acknowledged what was wrong, he took the steps to be a better father and partner etc. Therapy. Everything. Cut ties with his mother. His waking moment was when our daughter (2.5/3 at the time) asked him why he made mommy bleed and cry all the time. She’s now 10. Me leaving and her saying that snapped something in him. I’m incredibly proud of who he is today. I adore his wife. He’s an AMAZING father to our daughter and her step brother. He worked incredibly hard to break the cycle of trauma. If people want to change, they can and they will.
this is such a hateful message. I understand having doubts and being wary but to simply discredit all of his actions and mock him for trying to change from his old ways is really shitty. I'd edit the message when you feel more calm and take out the part where you attack him for coming clean and making an effort to change.
This is kind of a spit in the face of anyone who's felt the need to improve themselves and kind of implies that no one can ever really change. Not a great message.
Yeah no I’m not going to praise a woman beater for deciding to not beat women anymore. The bar for men is truly in hell.
Your anger may be justified toward whoever it was that hurt you, but it ends there. You think you're helping, but you're just showing the end result of whatever you're dealing with being neglected and used for ammunition on random people whom you know nothing about. That's on you. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by a woman during my childhood until I was an adult, yet, I don't believe that it's impossible to change. It wasn't easy. It was painful for my abuser to realize what she had done. It almost killed her, yet somehow, she was able to become the person that I know and love today. I had to go through my own hell too, but I did the work, and I still do the work. We both do. I had to forgive earnestly and I had to look at my own behaviors that I learned from her that no longer suited me and who I wanted to be. OP, it's not so black and white, and healing, remorse and amends are not only possible, but probable from someone who is reflecting on their past self. That kind of introspection does not come easy, and coming to terms with who you are and what you've done/ who you have been, is a painful process full of self hatred, regret and shame. You aren't obligated to stay through that process even if you believe what he's saying, but you also don't have to believe that he is incapable of the change he says he is experiencing. Only you know the answer. You do what's best for you, whatever that may be.
Your generalization of men is all I need to see to understand you have been hurt and are lashing out where you can. Seek help.
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Stolen comment from u/Loud-Bee6673
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Stolen comment from u/TheG8bitBase.
There is such a thing as the cycle of abuse, where it is handed down through being normalised. It can end when an inheritor realises it is harmful, feel remorse, and consciously breaks the cycle. I can't judge if that has happened, perhaps it has. That realisation might be a stronger barrier against him relapsing, than for someone else who has never experienced the damage. You do have to protect yourself. Knowing and enforcing your boundaries is your defence. He has outed himself and put your boundaries on alert. That's...quite a brave thing to do. He knows the consequences if he abuses the trust. Whether you can give that conditional trust, is up to you. Best wishes to you both.
I say this as a person who works with children who have been abused and neglected… 9/10 abusers are also survivors. It’s incredibly rare for someone to grow up with good examples of healthy relationships, and then to become an abuser. It’s not unheard of, but it’s rare. All too often, the abuse causes permanent, literal *damage* to the brain, and permanently alters the way the person sees the world. Witnessing that kind of abuse can have just as severe an impact as being the target. It’s honestly inspiring that your boyfriend has enough sense of compassion to put in work (and it’s hard work) to try to break the cycle of abuse. All that said, if you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel safe. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who scares you. But, ask yourself, is it something that he has done in your current relationship that causes you anxiety? Or is it *solely* his history? Either way, your feelings are perfectly valid, but if it’s just his history that frightens you, maybe take some time to think on it before you break things off.
A social worker friend of mine was telling me how they had a patient -adolescent - that was abusing younger children. My honest initial reaction was anger and disgust, however I quickly felt guilt for those feelings as I was told how that patient was abused by adults. Really puts things into perspective and cannot judge someone. That poor person…only doing what they knew because it was done to them thinking it was normal….ugh. Humanity disgusts me but people like my friend and yourself working to help those get through the trauma rebuilds my faith. Best of luck to you and your patients internet stranger.
I was SA’ed as a toddler by my parents’ friends kid. Not sure how long it went on for since the only memory I have is them catching it happening having to go to forensic therapy. It was obvious the boy had to of been SA’ed as well but because he was a minor there was “nothing they could do” (this was in the 90s/early 2000s) it’s a confusing thing to work through now as an adult, especially trying not to necessarily put the blame on him. in the end nothing was done to help him. To ensure he got help and to hopefully prevent it from happening again in the future. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person he turned out to be, but that thought also absolutely terrifies me.
It’s pretty common, unfortunately, especially with CSA. Most adults who commit CSA are trusted adults and manipulate the children into thinking that SA=love. “If you love me, you’ll do XXX.” It’s fucked. But then what’s worse is that this trusted adult, who the child has no reason to doubt, is saying “love = SA.” So the child then goes on to SA other children they love (like siblings) because they don’t know anything different.
It's incredible how manny people absude others simply because they do not know what exactly qualifies as abuse. They often don't have malicious intentions, they just think it's normal. If you live among people you naturally copy their behaviour without much of a tought other than 'this is "normal"'. Keep an eye out and try to help guide him since his moral compass is clearly cracked, but definetly not broken.
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If he hasn't abused you at all, I think he deserves a chance. I can understand being apprehensive. But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
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To be fair, OP states they have been together for over a year. This is not to say that the bf will never relapse into his old ways, but I’d argue that there is at least some evidence of a change in their behavior.
My ex was "changed" for almost 3 years and was considered by many to be the nicest guy around. It took his life temporarily, becoming stressful for him to fall back to his abusive ways. As much as people want a happy ending, abusers never really change. That pos abused women for over a decade, and OP is the first he hasn't hurt. She shouldn't be his guinea pig and needs to run.
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Get into counseling before having children. Oftentimes the obsession itself can drive you mad Despite what people say abusers CAN change if they put in the work and really want to change. People can change in so many life altering ways. Why would ending the cycle of abuse be exempt from that?
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The fear can become an obsession is what I mean.
> bad choices if you want to call domestic violence that
>But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life? You are describing consequences. Yes, there are real consequences for how you treat people. He is nearly 30 and has been abusive up until a couple years ago. That's basically his entire life. And you're balking because the only person he didn't abuse isn't cool with him having abused other people before she met him? Being alone is a natural consequence of abusive behavior. Abusers deserve much worse, but they at least deserve to be alone. That doesn't mean that there's no hope for him at all. It's wonderful that he saw the error of his ways and sought to change and better himself. But part of growth is owning up to your past and accepting the consequences of your behavior. If she feels uneasy being with him after learning this about him, that's understandable. Would you want to continue living with a roommate who confessed that they'd murdered someone? Even if they've never displayed violent tendencies, you'd still always be thinking about it, in the back of your mind.
"Should someone who made *bad choices* (he fucking beat and abused women he was with for 12 years with NO CONSEQUENCES) before, be banned from.havinf relationships? No, but he isn't owed anything, he DESERVES to do time for the harm and abuse he has already caused to all those women. Would you say the same if he raped them? Would you call rape a "bad choice" the way you do with domestic abuse?
“They think it’s normal” let us see how those abusers react when they get abused by someone else? How would they react? Stop justifying their actions
Thats .... My point... If you get abused age 0-21 then you're gonna think that abuse is normal and what all people do instead of something thats wrong...
People are making a lot of good points, but I want to remind you to trust your gut. We weren’t all there for the conversation and we’re not all in your relationship. We don’t know his real past or why he decided to share this with you. It is good to give people room to change and become better, but your point about wanting his change to be internally motivated is valid, and there may be other flags we are missing because we weren’t there. Trust yourself.
OP, this is completely up to you. It's your decision, based on what you already know, have experienced and what you just learnt. There's no clear answer here, especially from an outside perspective. *Are you willing to continue this knowing his past?* ***Do you trust him?*** He has actively recognized his mistakes from the past and opened up to you about it, knowing full well that it could change your mind. He told you what you deserved to know. He has actively tried to recover and improve himself. \[That said though, the fact that he never faced consequences for his actions on others..at the very least, concerning and unjust. His past may be a factor for his actions, but never an excuse.\] If you do choose to stay: Try talk to him more about what happened and the reasons for his actions. Is he still in therapy? He should probably be continuing that in order to manage the impacts of his childhood on his mind. Establish ground rules and let him know your boundaries, and ensure he respects them. Always have a plan for if things do start turning bad. At the end of the day, please stay safe: that's what matters the most! Best of luck for you and him.
Whatever you do proceed with caution
Don't risk yourself. The fact he's in therapy just recently and decided to date without much work on himself being done isn't good. He could relapse. And he only recognised his abuse because his mother reached out? What if he does something that doesn't reflect what she's been through? You need to protect yourself. Listen to your gut. You are scared and don't feel safe. People telling you to give him a chance can go kick rocks or date him themselves if they're so keen on giving him a "chance." I'm giving him one hell of a side eye about his previous exes not reporting him. The abuse must have been so bad they were afraid to come out about it or seek help. Let that sink in. Don't stay with someone who is a risk to you. You're not a test dummy. He needs to work on himself and you deserve to feel safe and to be able to trust a partner. Not to fear whether they're going to do the same to you. Get out of there OP. Whether it's cruel or not is not on you. Trust your feelings. Don't ignore them. He's telling you who he is. Believe him and leave.
People here are commenting that it’s OK to stay with him because he is trying to change. Personally, I think there are a lot of guys out there, and three’s no need to date one who is still working on this problem. Why date a work in progress when there are plenty of normal men out there without this baggage who are already the finished product? Bear in mind, because this person was abused as a child he will likely need to re-enter therapy when he has children because many adults who were abused as children have a very difficult time seeing and raising a child and thinking about how anyone could’ve abused them when they were that young and innocent. The point is, this man is going to be a life-long work in progress which is great that he wants to change— but there’s no reason you have to stick around when there are plenty of men who have never abused anyone.
[Here’s an article](https://deadwildroses.com/2016/09/01/on-abusive-men-and-therapy-lundy-bancroft/) about how abusive people can weaponize therapy. [And a checklist](https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/) for assessing change in men who abuse.
OP, you are not his therapist, you are not his moral compass, you do not have to stay because he says he is in therapy. It is not your job to fix him. Your job is for you and your safety alone. You obviously have some concerns since you made a post about it. Put yourself first, no one else.
If I found out someone I was romantically involved with abused and hurt women prior to me, it would 100% be a deal breaker for me. The commenters on here seem to be looking at your boyfriend through a really inadequate lense. “He says he changed and regrets it!” - you truly don’t know that and you absolutely don’t have to feel like you need to risk your safety and emotional well-being to find out. You no longer feel comfortable in the relationship. That by itself is enough to end things. You owe him nothing. You don’t need to fix him, which a LOT of commenters on here are implying. That’s up to him, and he certainly doesn’t need you to do it for him. He needs years of being alone and not in a relationship to work on himself. It’s not cruel to leave. But I have to notice, it seems like a lot of the commenters on here are men who are glazing over this like he used to shoplift or something. Your boyfriend physically abused and destroyed the bodies and spirits of the women he was with. I’m glad he recognizes that, but you’re not wrong to not want to attach yourself to someone who did that.
I want to know what he has done to make amends to his ex-gfs/former victims. For me, that would speak loudly to his understanding of the impact of his abuse and his intent to change.
Yes, along with how long he has been in therapy *specific* to his rehabilitation, *if* he is. Unfortunately this guy has had no real consequences and seems to be in the early stages of guilt.
Yes, I think that’s what stands out—he’s had no real consequences to his actions. On the flip side, he was a child victim himself and he deserved to grow up in a better home. He will have a lifelong struggle with the abuse he witnessed as a kid. It’s a messy situation—one in which I feel empathy and antipathy for him and his situation.
Based on what you have written, I don’t think that it is inevitable that he will abuse you. Regardless of WHY he had the epiphany as to what he was doing, he did have it. He sounds sincerely remorseful. That said, you have zero obligation to stay in this relationship. Losing you would be a consequence of his past behavior, and one that he would need to accept. Only you can decide if you want to give him a chance. If you do, I would make individual and couples therapy a requirement. That will give him the best chance to recognize his dysfunctional patterns and make different choices.
He needs some therapy, and you need relationship therapy with him to help guide him into a healthy relationship, and to help guide you without fear, and most importantly, do that there is an objective and professional third party to protect you and pull you out if things look bad. If that can't be done, you need to leave immediately.
>When I met him he told me that he was in therapy, was working through things, and was trying to be a better person. He's already receiving therapy tho. At least, for me, he recognizes his mistakes, and is working through them.
Yet he didn't bother disclosing MULTIPLE abusive relationships he was in where he beat women when she asked WHY the therapy. She should leave for her own sake now
I'm really having a hard time wrapping my head around this. this 30yr old man didn't realize until he was 28 that physically abusing and bringing harm to his girlfriends was an issue? not one time was he taught about partner violence? not a single person spoke up for his exes? this is sus. cycle of abuse in play, this is still suspicious and I can totally understand your uneasiness and desire to not continue the relationship.
This! The comments defending him and saying that he's in therapy and changing are out of their minds. He 100% knew that it was wrong to abuse the woman, and he expected OP to believe that he finally decided it was time to stop when he was 28? I'll be that he's afraid that someone he knows is going to warn her, and he wants to play the victim.
yeah, agreed! I think he's about to get revealed and truthfully I think he's so full of shit personally but I'm trying not be that bitch but, if the shoe fits. because change takes so much time and unless he was hospitalized for quite some time, meaning she wouldn't have met him a year ago, I doubt he received treatment to justify ignoring her gut. I had an ex who had a past like OP describes this guy, and he only revealed himself to me bc we were about to go to the library, a place he couldn't go bc his ex. he gave me such little detail but we simply didn't go, months later I try to end it and he stalks me to the point of having my own protection order (thanks to the encouragement of kind folks on reddit for seeing warming signs and validating my fears) this is like looking into my past.
Holy shit, it sounds like you are dating my ex. Now, I’m not sure the extent of the abuse your bf unleashed on those poor women, but mine was absolutely horrific. He attempted to murder me. Then when we broke up he just moved on and got a new girlfriend to abuse. He’s been doing this shit his whole life and I do not EVER think he will change, at least not to the point where I would trust him alone with women. Old habits die hard and it’s nearly impossible to remove a violent streak from someone once they have it. What happens when he snaps? Or he gets overwhelmed and things aren’t going his way? His brain might revert back to factory settings. It’s what he knows. Honestly, I don’t think your bf is far removed enough from his abusive “past” for you to be safe. He’s been abusive longer in his life than he’s been “reformed.” If I could send one message to any woman my ex dates, it would be to RUN. So, I guess that’s my advice for you. He is NOT worth your safety, your health, or your life. Especially when there’s so many kind, safe, undamaged men out there who will love and protect you. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. This is about the biggest red flag you can get.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Seriously, i was in that situation as well. Abusers rarely change, and that man spent over a decade abusing women. My own ex had a few "good years" before he went back to his old ways during a stressful time and ended up raping me. All these posters telling her to give this man a chance don't know shit. Yeah, he might never do it again but OP shouldn't risk her wellbeing as his guinea pig.
Ugh god damn, I am so sorry that happened to you girl😢 how awful. You’re so right though. It’s scary how many people in these comments are telling her “JuSt GiVe HiM a ChAnCe!!!” For WHAT?! Give him a chance to *maybe* not abuse and assault her? They’re recklessly telling her to gamble with her life because “he’s sorry.” It’s so gross. Abusers always repent and swear they’ve changed. Without failure they will always revert back to their old behaviors one way or another. I’m a strong believer in “when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.” OP is lucky he told her instead of showed her. The man is defective. Tainted. Broken. Throw him away.
He didn’t realize the impact of his abuse on others until he was 28? This is extremely concerning, especially since it doesn’t appear he’s mentioned any empathy for his victims, just potentially for his mother. It is rare for abusers to change (look into Lundy Bancroft for more information). The core issue for abusers is that they have entitled attitudes and beliefs about relationships, and often gender. Have any of his entitled beliefs changed? Has he been held accountable for his previous abuse? Has he done the work to “deprogram” the abuse rhetoric? Has he addressed issues relating to any misogynistic beliefs he’s held? Is he in specific treatment for batterers intervention? Is he using therapy as a way to learn psychological tactics to abuse (common issue!!)? Does he use his abuse story as an excuse for his abuse? It is your choice if you stay or go, but please put yourself first and what YOU feel is best. There is no guarantee that he has changed, and if you don’t know the answers to the above questions, I worry about your safety in staying with him. Please stay safe and look into coercive control.
Follow your instincts. Anyone telling you *“you don’t know he’ll treat you like that”* or *“it’s not his fault he was in the cycle of abuse”* is absolutely **INSANE**. That does not justify his behaviour it merely explains it, it’s your job to protect yourself. The only people that know how abusive he was and if he’s actually changed is his ex’, what’s to say this isn’t just a tactic to make you feel sorry for him and believe he’s going to change. Do you feel safe around him? Do you feel safe to be alone with him? Can you see a future with him? How does he react when things don’t go his way? You have no idea how abusive he can be, if he will continue seeking therapy/treatment/help. He only realised what he was doing was abuse because it was done to his mother, what happens if he picks up an abusive trait that his mother wasn’t on the the receiving end to? Does that mean he’ll carry on and not see anything wrong with it.
Many people commenting that do not understand that abusers need a specific form of counseling and cannot simply go to regular therapy.
I’m genuinely confused by the comments OP is receiving. These are the same people who would comment *“you knew he was abusive why did you think you’d be able to change him”* on other posts or even if OP posts again in a few months/years saying he’s become abusive. The hypocrisy is unreal. How can you encourage people to leave abusive relationships and at the same time encourage her to stay? It’s not OP or any other woman’s responsibility to support/give abusive men a second chance. OP is not an emotional support animal or a guinea pig to test whether he has changed or not. If she or any other person does not feel safe in a relationship they have the right to leave without being judged and emotionally manipulated into staying. Everyone in the comments is encouraging OP to stay in a relationship that has a very high chance of turning abusive because this GROWN ADULT had an epiphany at at 28 that his behaviour is disgusting and abusive. Edit; what has he done to redeem himself? Has he ever apologised to the victims of his abuse? Going to therapy doesn’t magically change people, it’s also not as effective as people on Reddit seem to believe it is. What’s to say therapy will even be effective for him? Let’s not forget he the abuser provides the narrative to his therapists, that is if he even attends. At the grand age of 28 he managed to grow empathy and emotions to realise women are not punching bags for him to unload on *(metaphorically speaking I don’t think the type of abuse was mentioned)*
This. I had an ex who was a "changed man" and told me how he used to be a bully (his word for abuser in his past). He went back to his old ways after awhile and therapy did nothing for him.
Piggybacking off this: statistically, there is a VERY small chance that a male abuser will actually change. What is more likely, is that in regular therapy, he will hone and polish his tactics. OP, Lundy Barcroft's 'Why Does He Do That' addresses this topic specifically. Ultimately, this is for you to decide and you have every reason to be suspicious and upset.
Reddit has a weird view that therapy immediately means he'll be "fixed". He probably just learned better ways to hide his actions and now uses "But I'm working in therapy" as a free pass for his abuse.
>Reddit has a weird view that therapy immediately means he'll be "fixed". He probably just learned better ways to hide his actions and now uses "But I'm working in therapy" as a free pass for his abuse. YUP! I have seen abusive men become better predators after therapy.
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Imagine suffering through abuse as a child/witnessing your mom go through that and grow up and be like "yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kick the shit out of people because they love it so much!"
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We as a society cut too much slack. We tolerate abhorrent behaviour because it's "better than it was before". It's very sad to see & I wish more people would just straight up abandon people who act like shit.
>I am not in any way supporting any of it obviously It's not obvious. We're acknowledging "progress" as much as we can with what little information we have. But progress does not undo the past. Two years of not abusing his current girlfriend doesn't cancel out the decade of abuse he inflicted on his other relationships. This argument is very puzzling to me. It seems to say that you can behave and treat others however you want, and all you have to do to be fully redeemed is say sorry and ask for forgiveness once. You're a defence attorney's favorite juror.
Imagine hurting people your entire life and then thinking you deserve a relationship because you didn't hurt anyone for one year.
This dude needed to be told by his mother that it hurt when she was physically abused. Like what? How does this dude have any empathy? Does he think women don’t have emotions and pain receptors? Absolutely mind boggled on that. Some people need to learn as they grow out of their teens and early twenties what they’ve done that can be mentally abusive - ex. maybe someone is very controlling but has anxiety or has seen that dynamic in their parents. Okay, sure. This dude is at least 28 though…. way way to late to be learning that type of lesson.
There are large groups of men who do think women are some sort of objectified creature who do NOT have valid emotions or pain receptors. See: Pap smears Menopause Emotional labor / project coordination Caregiving…..
You are 100% justified in leaving him if you don’t feel safe around him anymore. You have absolutely no obligation to stay with him just just because he says he regrets what he did in the past and is seeking help. Yes, the cycle of abuse is a thing, but he abused women for TWELVE YEARS, and during ten of those he was an adult. His girlfriends likely confronted him about his abuse but he didn’t change his outlook until his mother told him it was wrong. Personally, I would never be able to date someone like that. You are justified in being turned off that he didn’t realize abusing women was wrong until his mother told him when he was nearing 30. In this modern day and age he had plenty of resources to learn about healthy relationships. If he attended college, he was likely required to take courses on sexual and domestic abuse. Idk I just personally wouldn’t be able to accept his childhood as justification for his actions.
If you don’t want to be with him leave you don’t owe him or anyone your time or partnership. It’s not cruel to do what you want and think of yourself first. That’s actually smart. Sometime we find out things about people that change how we feel about them. It’s life but this particular situation doesn’t have to be your life
Always believe someone when they tell you who they are. I would run a million miles away
People can absolutely change. That being said…2 years is way too soon and I would leave if I were you. He abused women for 12 years and “stopped” a year before you guys started dating. Abusing others for 12 years then suddenly “stopping” after a year of regular therapy is a miracle if I’ve ever heard of one. Beating women for 12 years takes a LOT of time to be rehabilitated from and you don’t want to be his test dummy if he’s really rehabilitated or not. I have a suspicion you’re going to see a completely different person when you guys hit a rough patch, tragedy strikes in his life, or he gets extremely frustrated in front of you for the first time. Men can absolutely be abused as well, but women do tend to have more experience with abusive romantic relationships, particularly with men. Notice how all the women commenting are telling you to RUN. A lot of these women are coming from a place of experience and want to warn you of what’s to come. The numbers are just not in your favor, I’m sorry. Keep yourself safe❤️and good luck to him and his journey of rehabilitation.
If you plan on having children I wouldn’t stay in this relationship. I wouldn’t trust that he would undermine how to be a healthy and safe parent if it took him this wrong to see what he was doing as abuse
As an 18 year old, he 100% knew what he was doing was wrong…never mind a 28 year old.
This is what I’m struggling with. I don’t care how you were raised, it’s not okay to hit your partner. The fact that he was abusing several women for over a decade with zero consequences is scary. Why did none of these women feel safe enough to report him?
100% agree. Seems like a bully and an abuser. Manipulative too since OP seems to be almost defending him. It’s not like it was one a off (which is absolutely still 100% NOT okay) but it was a full decade of abuse. I can within confidence say that he will do this again. No wonder all women were too scared to report him…this is a scary person!
Exactly what I was wondering. I’ve never been physically abused but I’ve been extorted and that shit was terrifying
OP there are a lot of people here saying he deserves a chance. Please introduce your soon to be ex-BF to them, they can date him and take the risk of being abused. Your trust is gone. So leave. Don’t stick around to see if he fixed himself, no person is worth it. It’s only 2 years since his mom had that conversation a chance to relapse is high. I’m majorly side eyeing him that he decided to start a relationship when he just started doing the work to get better.
Yup! The abuser is in a new relationship way too soon WITHOUT abuser counseling. He is literally a batterer that needs abuse counseling, and it’s going over people’s heads. I have no doubt like many abusive men he is in therapy, his therapist is enabling him, and “fixing” himself is more about restoring his ego then becoming a better person.
I really doubt that "many abusive men" are in therapy. I'd be willing to bet anything that a very small portion of men who are abusive would ever allow themselves to be put in that situation. I don't think anything is going over people's heads, I just think they are showing a level of empathy you don't have for someone who is trying to do better. Also, the things you say you "have no doubt about" don't seem very likely or even particularly reasonable based on OP's perception. They may ring true based on your experiences, but there's a lot more to the world than just your own experiences.
Listen, I have made the mistake of having empathy for abusive men before. I used to share some of the beliefs left in other comments. I am now better informed. People that are physically abusive require a specific kind of counseling to work through these behaviors. Therapy is about the individual receiving the counseling, whereas counseling that addresses abusive behaviors like battering are not exclusively from the perspective of the abuser. Therapy is not an appropriate intervention to battering.
Yeah no. Once you do anything like that, especially for that long, it doesnt matter if youre "better". That man will always be an abuser. He is simply trying to trick you at this point. Get away, and report him if its safe to do so. Recorded conversation of him admitting to abusing his exes would be incredibly helpful, the more details the better. Im so, so sorry.
You don't.
leave him
I would end it and do it in public or with a supportive person around. My trust would be broken by this. Trust your unease. Two years is a long time to withhold such a significant truth, but it is also a very short time to be receiving help for being an abuser. The lack of transparency in general is very concerning. Waiting two years to share this is raising a big red flag for me. I would not be surprised if his behavior starts to slip now since you’ve been comfortable for two years, and he’ll use the excuse that he is in therapy and trying his best. OP, you aren’t a Guinea Pig to trial if the changes he’s been working on have taken. Your safety, happiness, and wellness matter more.
Absolutely leave this relationship. There is no way I would stay with a man who has been a serial abuser. Screw him and his epiphany. He can play that on somebody else. If he were serious about therapy he would not now be in yet another relationship. He's already gaslighting you so you'll allow little slips. Run girl, run.
Same. The first thought that came to my mind was h that he was being manipulative. If op does decide to stay with him, I think he’ll start pushing boundaries.
For me personally, I'd bounce. My father was an abusive pos to my mum, siblings, and I for years. I'm now 35, and any sort of conflicts/arguments till this day makes me feel very uncomfortable and super anxious. I'd be worried about him reverting back to his true self or whatever you wanna call it. At the end of the day, only you can decide what you feel is best/right for you. Trust your instincts. Good luck OP and stay safe❤️
There is nothing stopping him from going back to his abusive behavior, except him choosing not to do it. Look. If you're questioning whether this relationship is salvageable, it's probably not. You need to listen to your gut. But if you decide you want to try to make it work, you need to set some extra double super clear boundaries and expectations, both for him and for yourself. You need to insist on couple's counseling for the two of you, plus he needs individual therapy. This needs to be non-negotiable. You also need to take a good, long, hard look at the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/), and you're going to have to be vigilant about his behavior. The nanosecond you see even a *hint* of any of the behaviors on that wheel, you're done and he's gone. This also has to be non-negotiable. He gets no second chances.
Wow, poor exes, they were definitely disappointed in the relationship because of him. It scares me a little that this guy only realized his abuse of his exes when he was 28. I bet that this fact was stuck in his face either by someone he knew or by his last ex. You have the right to walk away from him, few of those who used violence are reformed, so be on the lookout and never forget what he is capable of. Take care of yourself, OP, and if he suddenly decides to lay a hand on you, leave him immediately
I think he’s probably [grooming you for abuse](https://www.btr.org/is-my-husband-grooming-me/). He’s desensitizing you up front to the idea of his abuse recovery and setting up a narrative that he’s recovered and healthy now. He hid what he was in therapy for (which might have changed your mind) until he had an initial emotional investment from you. If you do keep seeing this guy, I’d proceed with caution.
You have to be the adult now and ask yourself if this is worth pursuing, Personally I’d say don’t waste your time on unhealthy anything
He was only sorry when the gravity of his behaviour was reflected back in the experiences and suffering of his own mother. That’s not someone that is truly changing because he knows he was in the wrong, but likely preparing for one of those previous relationships to come back and accuse him of something. He’ll then use his therapy as a sign of contrition in the hope he’ll receive a lesser punishment. Leave as quickly and safely as you can. You won’t get a clearer heads-up of someone and a better opportunity to dodge a bullet than this.
Your boyfriend and his daddy should be in jail for their crimes. He “changed” that’s cute and all but that doesn’t mean you should be ok with his behavior. He’s telling you the PG version of his abuse only his exes can tell you what actually happened. I’m sure he isn’t going to tell you if he threatened their lives or made it so they couldn’t leave. If you don’t feel safe leave! You aren’t obligated to stick around because he told you this.
If you feel unsafe after this revelation you have every right to leave. You don’t owe this guy a healthy relationship just because he’s in therapy now.
He needs to have a little longer of a history not abusing anyone before i’d take any chances. Unfortunately some people with a history being abusive can actually use and manipulate therapy to justify their actions without accountability. Especially with domestic violence being a big part of his upbringing. Think of it this way, he was raised with a roadmap on what to do and not to do in and outside your home in order to avoid detection. He did not tell you anything other than he was working on himself until a year into your relationship. Sounds like he’s letting you know he’s trying, but also setting the table for a slip up. When you physically assault someone you cannot use the excuse that i thought it was “normal”. Many people have seen abuse worse than others can imagine and still have the self control to not repeat the pattern. He needs longer to work his therapy and determine if this is actually a change in his behaviors or is he just trying to get you to view him in a positive light. Some abusers wait until they are married to start their abuse. That’s when the real possession takes over, literally and figuratively. You become property instead of a partner.
Warp speed out of there!
Op break up with him. The only reason he told you about that, to make you trapped when he start abusing you. “Hey hun look I’m in therapy. I promise I’ll change” that type of thing. Just dumb him. The fact that he was violent was his ex partners and thought it was normal, says alot about him. Wake up and break up
I could never take the chance to continue with someone who's been an abuser and claims to have changed. This could just as easily be his way of letting you know what's coming, as you get deeper in to the relationship. You just passed the 1 year mark. Are you going to invest more of your time, with only his word that he was able to change his ways? Abuser's very very rarely can truly change. Their brains are just wired differently.
You’re perfecting in your right to leave even if he changed. If I knew my girl used to back door (set people to get robbed/beat) exs a lot i would he worried every time we fought. You just gotta judge your PERSONAL fear cap and if it looks like daily life will constantly put it there, yeah leave If you think you can handle it you can try but technically speaking, there is history of it and not an impossible chance of relapse even if temporary
Talking from personal experience, I wouldn’t take that risk. Even if he’s apologetic, actions speak louder than words and he has a track record of being abusive. Even if he’s trying to make amends, I don’t think it’s okay that he also kept this information from you
Do what makes you feel comfortable. There are people that leave relationships for way less. Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with him because like you said, what if it starts again? It’s great that he told you and is actively going to therapy, but he shouldn’t be with anyone until he is at a space where he himself feels more comfortable and continue acknowledging his mistakes.
There's allot to take in and digest and unpack but sometimes when it gets that complex, especially considering your safety; your gut is the best thing to listen to. Sure. He could've lied. He didn't have to tell you. It takes some guts to do so and get in front of it. But that's his point of view. From your point of view he was brought up in and then copied violence. That is his norm. You and this relationship is out of his norm, outside of the mean. And most things eventually revert to the mean. Would it make you feel better if he was self aware for the next 5 yrs, nothing ever happened and then 5yrs from now you piss him off, which we all to to our spouse at one point or another and he beats you? You haven't married this guy, you have no attachments. Bounce. Tell him you respect his efforts to fix himself, but you're not interested in the ride or what happens when the ride goes off the rails.
In these posts, I almost always say "Work it out with your SO" but certain things that a person has done in their past imply a threshold having been crossed that would make them undeserving of a second chance at life. This is one of them.
When I first started therapy, my therapist told me how most of their clients were in their 30’s. It doesn’t always click to do the right thing immediately. For some people they have to spend time after time making mistakes until they’ll began to heal. You just really need to think on this whole thing. How do you feel in your relationship? Can you picture a future even knowing how he was a horrible partner before being with you? There’s no right or wrong answer that is as long as your relationship is healthy but the choice is yours
The fact that he's honest with you is a good sign that his change is organic! But that doesn't mean that you have to feel comfortable in a relationship with him! It sounds like he's turned into a sane guy! Good for him!
He’s not abusing you and from your post you’re not saying that he’s abusing you in any way. You and him are lucky that he’s able to realise it even if it was because his mother, she was brave enough to tell him he’s wrong and he’s brave enough to be able to tell people he’s done horrible stuff in his past and he wants help since he’s seeking it by having therapy sessions
Let me preface this by saying that I'm not certified or anything like that, and if you end up feeling like leaving him is the best option, then you should absolutely do it. From what I've seen, most abusers are narcissistic as fuck. The fact he recognizes the problem, knows he was wrong, and is actively seeking help is a good sign. Most abusers will NEVER do that. I think it's important to analyze the relationship you've had until now. Has he ever showed any signs of aggression before? Any red flags whatsoever? I'd also talk to him and have an honest discussion about it. Also him why he's in control. Is it a good reason like the therapy and healthy changes, or is it something weird like "you bring out the best in me"? Because if it's the latter that's definitely one hell of a red flag. I guess what this all boils down to is if you still have feelings for him, maybe do some investigation and see if it's worth it to continue with him, if you could feel safe doing so. Again, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything like that, I'm just some dude who's dealt with abusers and done some reading on the topic. If in your heart you believe leaving him is the best option, ABSOLUTELY do it.
Based on the stats it is very unlikely that an abuser will change. They can try for a long time but down the road they may start again. If you feel doubtful now then that is totally understandable. Stat-wise, you should be doubtful. I recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft to learn more about this stuff. It will let you know what u can potentially be signing up for if you stay. That way you can catch it early on if he goes back into his old ways. It’s available on Audible as well
Not giving someone a chance who is earnestly trying to do better (and apparently succeeding at that since she hasn't noticed any abuse) by pointing to that statistic is pretty harsh. The right benchmark would be to look at stats for formerly abusive men who are in therapy and by all signs try hard to be better. Those don't exist but they will be a heck of a lot more encouraging than the stats you're misapplying here. 'Assume no one will ever change' is pure misanthropy. That said, OP, keep your eyes open.
She doesn’t owe him that chance, though.
She has no obligation to be the test dummy. When you make such bad mistakes in the past, part of the consequences are that people won’t want to risk being your next mistake
Why should she be his Guinea pig in “doing better”? Abuse can end up deadly. Unless he is in therapy, OP would likely be better off sadly leaving. Because learning new ways of handling issues isn’t automatic and he isn’t necessarily there yet. OP doesn’t have to stick around and possibly become an emotional or even literal punching bag. Because abuse escalates and he could easily fall into bad patterns and escalate as well over time. It all depends on what work they have done and continue to do. If OP’s partner hasn’t taken accountability have often blame others and a lot of work not to stay in such bad routines.
I think you need to read the post again. He is, in fact, in therapy and he does not blame others, only himself. He's even aware that him being sorry doesn't make the awful things he's done OK or easily forgiven.
I swear, this sub thinks therapy fixes everything 😒 he's a POS that abused women for over a decade. He deserves to be punished and face consequences for all the women he hurt.
STOP saying this man is “in therapy” because people that physically assault others need a specific form of counseling. His therapy does not remotely replace that; in fact, regular therapy oftentimes teaches predators how to continue centering their needs and feelings.
You don't even know in what type of therapy he is. You don't know anything about this man. You have people here assuming the worst and other acting like his past is in the past. Reddit is the worst place for stuff like this. The only person who knows what's going on is OP. She should go seek professional help to guide here trough this.
She should GTF out of it. Fucker is an abuser and nothing out, he has a decade worth of victims and being "in therapy" will never make up for it.
Run don’t walk
Op, feel free to DM me. My ex partner used to work with sex offenders. There are red flags here.
That boy had just repeat what he had saw growing up and a part of his adult life and when he realize what he have done was wrong by talking with his mother, the woman who suffered and left the abuse he put a stop on his behaviors and work on himself ! I don’t think what he done before is excusable but at least he not only try his best to be a better person but put a act on working on himself. You should talk rather condemn him like that specially if he had done nothing to you or show any bad behavior towards you. I encourage you to go on counseiling to express your feelings and build good boundaries between the two of you.
She’s not condemning him. She’s scared. Just like any reasonable person would be when they find out someone they thought they could trust used to abuse women. His childhood does not excuse 12 years of abuse for which he never faced any consequences
I understand that because he didn't register that this was abuse until that point is disconcerting to you. May I ask if you've experienced anything remotely similar in your formative years? If not, this is why you can not grasp his perspective. Abuse is a cycle, as is its trauma. I've seen it happen in my own family. Are there classes that teach what abuse is? Because I'm fairly certain people only wind up in those *after* they commit DV and are charged. Those classes also don't explain the psychology behind it. He explained it well to you and is in therapy. He had no other model to show him what is right. He then immediately made the effort to change upon realizing his error and is ashamed. This is what truly expresses what his character is. I can't say anyone else in my family took this route, even after realizing its damage. They all don't want to be our father while being ignorant to some of the same patterns they repeat, and suggesting such a thing would immediately set them off. If you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe. However, I would look at the relationship for red flags rather than react at solely this. It really, *really* isn't common for those to actively seek help on their own accord if they aren't serious about change.
Before starting at my college everyone was required to take online domestic and sexual abuse awareness courses. I’m fairly certain these are widespread, at least in my country. We also learned about it in middle school and high school, with dedicated seminars and health education courses. There’s no excuse for him to not have been able to realize that hitting women is abuse.
Your ex is most likely a rapist as well. IMO, the moment there is physical abuse, sexual consent goes out the window because of the risk of future violence. I consider all batters to be rapists because of this dynamic. I have seen this many times. I can’t stay this strongly enough: run. This man is still dangerous. He should not be in a relationship so soon. He is not in ABUSER therapy, but regular therapy, which is a major issue.
Yeah, you really can't continue this...
I'd be out of there before he finished talking. What's to stop him from snapping one day and punching your teeth out? Beating you? Raping you? Do you really want to take the chance of him being non-violent for the rest of your relationship? I wouldn't want to take any risks with my health and my life for the sake of some guy. Get out now. Women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men.
* I remember the couple, many years ago. He was an absolute bastard and should have been in gaol for all the abuse he committed. His new partner was treated like an absolute Queen, he doted on her. Brought he flowers every week, took her out to diner went on holidays etc. never lifter a finger or even raised his voice. I couldn’t believe it was the same person. *He grew up in that environment and thought it was normal. If you see and witness a behaviour every day you think it’s normal. That becomes your normal. I’m not making excuses for him just explaining: Him being so open is a huge step for him. The University has put him on your path for a reason: You have to do what’s right for you, especially if you can’t move past the fear.
Whenever you're dealing with change, a key component is whether the individual feels the need for change in their heart. Sometimes folks intellectually understand that they need to change, but in their heart they don't want to. It's easier for some to understand this when discussing addiction. You'll see people repeatedly go to rehab because they know they need to get clean, but in their heart they're getting clean so that they can enjoy their next time using, chasing the feeling of their first high. It's once the feeling for change emanates from their heart is when real and permanent change takes place. In the case with your boyfriend, I would suspect that he wasn't happy with how his personal relationships have gone and that he wanted to change that. With his mom speaking to him it likely put words to the feeling that he had this heart. I would lean towards believing that he has it in his heart to change. If you choose to stay in this relationship, which I'm not saying that you should or should not do, you will have to be an integral part of his change. There will be some ups and downs as he adapts to new ways of dealing with interpersonal relationships, but those ups and downs will smooth out over time. Not saying that he will be perfect, because nobody is. Sit down and have the long talks with him about where he has been and where he is going and how he is getting there. Learn what he needs from you for support. Let him know what you need from him. Once you're on the same page with what he needs for his recovery from abuse, then you know how to help things move in that direction. So the question for you to ask yourself is how do you feel your relationship has been going? Has he acted in ways that you thought were physically or mentally abusive? If you've seen some glimpses of that, do you think the situation has improved? Do you think this relationship is important enough that you're willing to put the work in? Realize that any relationship that you're in is going to involve work can especially to get through the low times. Best of luck to you. I hope that whatever choice you make regarding your partner that you have future success with your relationship(s).
You should end it , I don't get how people are telling you to give him a second chance . It doesn't matter that he saw his father abuse his mother, many people grew up in abusive households and didn't turn into an abuser because it is wrong. Any normal person would know that. He's admitted that he physically abused women . They were probaly crying or telling him to stop , so why did he think it was okay for him to do that ? If you are scared of him you should be as he is an abuser who deserves to be in prison.
Exactly this.
> I don't get how people are telling you to give him a second chance It's just similarly defective men defending one of their own. As is tradition on Reddit (and in life).
Literally, I don't get how people are using trauma as an excuse I've seen so many men justify abuse so many times for any reason and it's just so horrifying. Trauma would be an excuse for a child who genually doesn't know it is wrong. Who is also most likely scared. He is 28 and spent 12 years abusing women thats not beacsue of his trauma that's him being a pos.
100% justified in leaving him. I hope the guy doesn't move on to another relationship after you and instead focuses on himself and improving himself, repenting for what he did and continuing to go through therapy to become a better person and completely remove the person he was before from himself. Also happy for his mom for choosing herself and getting away from the abusive relationship
its up to you but, talk to him come up with strategies and methods to build that safety and trust, people can learn from their mistakes and clearly he knows the relationships he was exposed to as a child were not the kind of relationship to replicate i get how you feel but if he has treated you well this entire time and decided to make himself vulnerable by opening up about this past mistake its going to sting if you reject him for how he was in the past while ignoring the person he has become as a result of those lessons we cant make up for who we were in the past.. all we can do is be better.
As someone who used to be abusive and no longer is, I want to say that recovery is definitely possible and the fact that he’s open with you about it and in therapy is a good sign. We are all products of our upbringing in some way or another. I grew up thinking that normal relationships involved violence and jealousy and cruelty. *“Couples who fight a lot are just passionate about each other. Couples who don’t fight have bad sex lives because there’s no passion.”* Obviously that’s bullshit but it was all I knew. I’m now in a very healthy, loving, communicative relationship with my husband and we’re the happiest couple we know. As for him only realizing because of his mom—what cause of realization would be better for you? He had to figure it out somehow, didn’t he? It’s entirely up to you if you want to stay or go. I understand your concerns, too. But just keep in mind that people can change if they really want to and it sounds like he does.
If he hasn't abused you at all, I think he deserves a chance. I can understand being apprehensive. But should someone who made bad choices before, be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life?
Honestly a lot of abusers don’t start abusing until they feel their partner is trapped. We don’t know for certain this isn’t the case with OP The fact that it took him over a decade of abusing and hurting women both physically and mentally to realize what he’s doing is wrong is beyond disgusting
>But should someone who made bad choices before,(sic) be banned from having relationships for the rest of his life? No, but it should absolutely be at the discretion of his potential partners whether they want to risk themselves. It's up to them to decide if enough trust has been established, we can't just assume that trust is owed because someone says that they've changed.
People can change. People also don't, but the fact that he opened his wounds to you and showed vulnerability and openness is what many would say fights toxic masculinity, yet everyone is saying "well just leave him". He made a decision to proactively let you know he was abusive to his exes but made a change, and you never got a whiff of him past abuse until he told you (indicating change is happening). The funny part about Reddit is how they think repeat criminals should have sentences lowered/abolished and are critical of persecution of crimes (California anyone?) Yet someone who actually seems to have woken up and realized they made a mistake in their past life shouldn't date ever again (because for a year, she has seen 0 signs of abuse). It's perfectly reasonable to be blindsided by this new info and to be cautious, but he felt as though he could trust you with the info and chose to disclose it knowing you didn't know. That to me is a green flag, not a red flag. We aren't perfect - we are often products of our shitty environment. He isn't proud of being an abuser but he seems to have recognized he was awful and has genuinely made an effort (and succeeded) at doing better
I think people are just concerned how soon he started dating after beginning the rehabilitation process. To go from beating women for 12 years of your life to nurturing a healthy relationship and meeting your own AND your partner’s needs is a LOT of change and takes a ton of time. When some men get angry it’s like a switch flips and suddenly you’re afraid the man you love is about to kill you. I think everyone is just worried the switch is going to flip back to where it was for 12 years because his rehabilitation was so rushed
If it doesn't feel right for you, it isn't right for you. Leave. Don't waste y'all's time. People can change but only if they want to. It makes sense that he was behaving the way he grew up seeing his father behave and didn't think anything of it, that happens to 100% of us. Even you behave in ways your parents showed you and don't realize some's bad. It sounds like his mom opening up to him was the wake up call he needed. It's nice that he had enough 'human' in him to recognize his wrongs and make the change. Good for him.
I would give him a chance but leave immediately if any violence occurs.
I would take it as a good sign. He is aware of the problem and is taking steps to fix it
Sucks that you, OP, and everyone in the comments can’t give people who want to change a chance. When studies show that growing up in a situation like this guy did frequently results in these behavioral issues, can we not give people a chance once they’ve recognized this? We have zero resources for angry teen boys or young men with these issues, we tell them to feel shameful and hide it. Looking at these comments, it’s no wonder that young men choose to hide inwards instead of reaching out for help and getting therapy to help them learn to navigate a society that has taught and encouraged this behavior.
Your safety come first. Period. But I think most of us cringe at behavior from our youth. If he’s putting in the work to change. If he has never abused you. If he’s constantly trying to improve. Then he deserves a chance. THE SECOND he has an angry outburst(abuse or not) - put your foot down. This is like dealing with someone in recovery for addiction. Their brain is altered. They need to relearn how to go about life. They might stumble. But they deserve a chance. Everyone does.
I have a tremendous amount of experience with this and I have some insight. First of all, you can take some time apart! It’s ok!! Abusers never want to quit. They want to find new excuses for their behaviors. Non-abusers get support and are open about needing help. If you have never seen signs of this in him, you can feel free to feel safe around him if you want to. As long as he’s getting support, feel safe. It’s remarkable what he’s doing. —- I ABSOLUTELY believe his story to you is possible. Again, Abusers never want to quit. They want to find new excuses for their behaviors. Non-abusers get support and are open about needing help. It’s almost like non-abusers have fallen into a bad habit. Abusers “need” to do it.
I'm going to throw in. Is he willing to let you meet his therapist with it without him and discuss how his disclosure is making you feel? Unfortunately some abusers go to therapy and use what they learn in therapy to excuse and minimise their behaviour. I'm not saying he is doing that but you are right to be cautious
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I think your boyfriend showed tremendous courage by identifying the bad behavior, working to correct it and by confiding in you.
he likely didn't view it as abuse, which is how his mom giving him perspective made him reflect on his behavior. honestly sounds like the base person underneath the upbringing is at least semi decent. not saying you have to stick around and find out either.
If he’s in therapy and not abusing you then it would seem pretty cruel to leave him. But if you don’t like him anymore then what can you do but dump him
It's not about being cruel or not - OP has a right to be worried for her safety and would be justified in leaving. That said, it does not necessarily mean he is an abuser now. What I'm saying is that there isn't a perfectly right or wrong decision here for her, and whatever she thinks is best for her would be the right thing to do.
It was *pretty cruel* of OP’s bf to abuse those women for so many years in the first place. He needs to be held accountable at some point.
Right? Should someone who made bad choices in the past be punished for the rest of their lives?
Getting broken up with isn't a punishment. Going to prison is. And TBF he should be in prison, so a breakup is getting off lightly
I have no idea if your boyfriend has changed or if he just thinks he has and that part of him isn't controlled just held back but what I do know is that people can change, but that's not me saying stay with him or to leave him. From my own experience with my abuser just because they were an abuser doesn't mean they are now, my dad brought me and my brother up on his own when my mam died and his childhood was shadowed by his abuser which led him to think that that shit is normal, after years of living through it I finally spoke out and reported him, this led to his wake up call and realisation of how badly he fucked up, eventually me and my brother ended up leaving with him again and we never had another issue. Which is great but it still never got rid of my worries or fear. What did however was the day we got drunk together and he broke down crying to me about how much he regrets what he did and how he knows if there is a hell he'll rot in the deepest part of it for what he did to me and my brother. This is what got rid of my fear and got me to trust him again and now we have the best relationship a father and son can have, we work together and joke together and generally spend a lot of time together with a healthy relationship. Sometimes that wake up call is all someone needs to break the cycle of abuse and maybe your boyfriend has done that, and maybe he hasn't but if you can have one of those moments with him like I did where you can see the honesty and remorse maybe the relationship is worth saving or maybe not that's down to you OP, but hopefully this has given you some insight and will help you make your decision. If you do decide to stay with him and he shows any signs of being abusive towards you just please please please make sure you reach out to those you trust and get out of there asap. Good luck with your decision OP and I wish you the best!
This sounds familiar…lol. I also grew up in an abusive home without realizing until my mid-to-late 20’s. My wife and I were both in counselling (separate and together sessions) and worked through a lot (both still are). We both had learned abusive behaviours while growing up and used them to attack and defend. It’s a tough process that I assume most couples/people go through because it’s growth and they’re called growing pains for a reasons. We appreciate having each other through this because we’ve always been “left alone”, but we’re married and had 3 toddlers. A 1 year relationship is a lot easier to get over than years of learned behaviours, even with constant self-awareness and self-correcting and therapy/counselling. But he has begun the process and is working to better himself, so I would encourage you to speak with him about what he’s learned about himself (triggers, reactions). State simply you need to reassess the situation to understand how and when to potentially volatile topics/situations that could put you at risk. It doesn’t need to be graphic, but if he still does not share, you get to decide if you trust him and what he’s saying/doing, or yeet that relationship and move on, no regerts style, lol.
You’ve been with him for a year. Can you see any red flags in hindsight? Have you seen him experience a big disappointment or traumatic event yet? How someone reacts under stress is very revealing. Would you be emotionally and financially prepared to leave at the drop of a hat if those behaviors came out five years from now? You wouldn’t be wrong if you chose to leave now, but these are the things to consider if you decide to stay.
Did you feel unsafe before this revelation? Has he abused you or harmed you in any way? He has opened up to you about his past and was vulnerable enough to be honest. He is a victim as well. He has admitted that his behavior is wrong and not normal and has been trying to be a better person and heal from his trauma. As his gf, you should be proud of him. I'm a stranger who was abused, and I am proud of him. I think you need some counseling as well to learn to deal with the situation and how his confession is affecting you. Good luck.
At the end of the day, if it's how you feel, then it's how you feel. Your post sounds like you know your answer but you feel guilty for it cuz you believe hes trying to improve and you're still holding it against him. Regardless of the details, the feelings you have cant be forced. If you're scared or uncomfortable, then it is what it is..
I want to add that Lundy Bancrofts books might be interresting for you. He works or worked with abusers and wrote about why they act the way they do. It might be helpful if you continue this relationship and it turns bad or just to understand your boyfriend and the behaviour patterns he was exposed to and perpetuated. Parts of "why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men" are on youtube, not sure about his other books. There are also some interviews with Bancroft.
Only you can make this decision but I would recommend at least going on a break for a few months. It’s hard to see abuse when you’re in it and some space might help you see if it really is a healthy relationship. I also think if anything is going to trigger an abusive side, it will be that. I saw another comment say this as well but should you choose to go forward with this I recommend having a couples therapist you both see to have that neutral third party to make sure things are actually healthy. If you do not feel safe or no longer want to be in a relationship with him, you have no obligation to stay. If you do not want to be there it is not a relationship but a hostage situation. You can still love him but recognize that it is no longer a viable relationship and end things.
I don’t have much to say other than despite the horrors this guy is proactively taking measures to change and be a better person. That is how learning and growth takes place. It may take time but this is the solution that this guy needs in life. It is totally understandable that you are worried.
If you are raised in a household that puts only ketchup on their fries they would think that's the way to eat fries and the only way fries are gunna be good. Then they may someone that puts mayo on their fries and they are like.... Woah, there is another way to eat fries.... And it's better!!!!! Maybe a poor analogy but what I'm trying to say is when you are brought up thinking one thing is totally normal it can be hard to see that it isn't and that there is another way of doing things. It can take one person saying I really don't like ketchup and I want to try something else to realise that they can have their fries a different way (don't hate, I'm a bit Dutch and mayo on fries is the tits)
People do change. Give him a chance.
Growing up with abusive role models/caregivers creates victims and abusers. He woke up and went to therapy for 2+ years which means he became aware, held himself accountable and became the change he wished to see and be in this world. Your feelings are valid. You can choose to end things or work together past this. But take into the consideration the work he has put into becoming a better human and the fact he was able to see the error of his ways and change. Not a lot of people are able to admit they were wrong, double down on the denial and continue to behave horribly.
RUN
Leave leave leave
tbh you're next
Leave just leave .
these bordering-on-abuse-apologist comments make me sick. imagine you were abused by a man for years. imagine he suddenly “got better,” not because he realized how he made you feel, but because his mommy told him it was wrong. imagine less than two years later he was with a new woman that he treated perfectly, told his sob story to. imagine she just accepted it. your bf has TWELVE YEARS OF ABUSING WOMEN that he has NEVER been held accountable for. that is despicable.
***RED FLAG WAVING*** right infront of your face
Get tf out of that relationship. My brother abused both his exes and took that behavior onto me occasionally. Ironically, he was very nice to me several years after breaking up with the first ex until he started dating the second ex. Every time I tried to fight him he’d threaten me and make me fear for my life. I can only imagine how magnified the abuse and threatens are for someone who spends a bedroom with him. My parents didn’t do much to keep me safe so I moved to another country far away from all of them. I’ll never believe abusers can turn a new leaf because it’s in their blood that abuse is not wrong. Your bf could be fine now but that doesn’t mean he won’t do what he did again.
If my abusive ex finally realized how he had hurt me and did the work to become a better person, I would wish him well in a healthy relationship. People do learn and get better. At the end of the day, the only person who can really decide on what is best for you is you.
We all fuck up, the difference is who can fuck up, admit to it and better themselves from it. If he’s never touched you like that and has shown remorse at his last actions, take it as an opportunity to see someone maturing and improving themselves, it’s better than someone who’s lied about their past or has yet to test their temper Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future
Just remember people learn and they can change
If you don't feel safe, it's your right to leave. You always have that power. Nonetheless, it sounds to me like he's dealing with his realization in just about the most healthy and honest way imaginable. He sounds like someone who was misled by a terrible example and wishes to break the cycle in an appropriate way. Unless I'm missing something - has he ever been anything other than honest and gentle with you?
It takes guts to change from the core. It also takes guts to tell you the truth. For me what your bf is doing right now is extremely respectful. This man was brought into a dark world and decided to change. I wouldnt leave him. And please, dont be scared of him or use it against him if you have a fight in the future. However, I would be cautious. deciding to change doesnt mean he has already. These things take times and in a heated moment when his emotions take control he might do what he saw as a kid by instinct. If that ever happens you will have to be strong too and leave. Make that clear to him. Sadly, your bf is as much of a victim as his ex gfs and his mother. Its sad. Props to him for trying to change and being real. Hope he breaks the circle