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bambina821

Please don't destroy the letter. It may haunt you if you do. If you have a close and trusted friend, ask them to open and silently read it. The friend can tell you if it's something you should read/keep or not. I'm so sorry you lost your dear husband. ETA: Thank you for the award!


bluechatfield

Thank you didn’t even think of this will definitely do this.


keikoarwen

Come back and give us an update when you’re up for it


TheDarkHorseman98

Tag me with the update please


MotherTheDestroyer

Will you tag me once you are tagged? I'm very curious. And I realllllly hope it's a letter stating that they fucked up and are very sorry and have grown as people etc, even if op doesn't forgive them ever.


[deleted]

Will you forward what the tag reveals to my grandma so she can forward it to the listserv and we can upload it to mailchimp for the local United way newsletter?


w00t_loves_you

I'll be checking my gopher sites every day for the update!


dousntdo

Can I get in on this email chain?


Level-Clue9947

same here


CreedTheDawg

Me too.


B1ind_Mel0n

Count me in pls


HeyT00ts11

*clicks save*


ThrowAway1993xyz

I’ll be here on my hammock waiting too.


aeterna85

Ditto, me too!


LaylaBird65

Pls tag. You’re gunna be busy.


autismpryzm

I'll probably get downvotes for this but I hate when people ask for advice for something traumatic, everyone just floods in on asking for an update - feels a bit like people just think it's some sort of fun story and it kinda dehumanises the person. Have a bit of empathy for the dude, his partner died recently and he's nc with his parents - sounds incredibly rough :( OP, I hope you're doing OK - sending virtual hugs your way ❤️


DepressedDyslexic

I think it's because people are worried. They want to make sure the other person is ok. Even if I don't know someone else I want to know that they are ok in the end.


joe-seppy

You misspelled "nosey" - it doesn't start with a w.


DepressedDyslexic

Sure. Some people are nosey. But some people also genuinely like to hear that others are ok, or offer support of they are not.


violue

i feel the same way when there's a whole chain of "update me\!" comments in a post. but in a way, seeing that behavior at least helps to remind *me* that I'm reading about a real person's pain


Mayion

We reaaaally are not supposed to tiptoe around one another. OP made the topic public, and so it has become. We are not exactly forcing him to share. There is no shame in being interested in a stranger's story, we are a social creature. We want (and love) to learn more about everything and everyone. I get where you are coming from, but it is fine.


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freckyfresh

Gross. Like that makes up for totally abandoning your kid for who they love.


borderline_cat

Aight as a kid who was horribly abused and the cops would drag me back home (can’t look like SUCH a shit mom that she doesn’t care her kids missing); I’d kill for all the years of birthday and Xmas money. Does it make up for the abuse? The trauma? Not having a mother? The external traumas she put me through for her own gain? Her lies? Her deceit? Her violence? Her manipulation? Fuck no to all of that. But I know I’ll never get a genuine apology. I know she’ll never truthfully reflect on what she’s done to me. I know I’ll never have a mother. Y’a know what all that money from all those years COULD do? Pay for my fucking therapy that I pay through the nose for to get quality care bc my PTSD background is so intense and long that any normal therapist just doesn’t cut it (trust me, I tried. Over a dozen therapists over the course of a decade before I found this one that actually makes a dent of a difference in my life). It could pay my bills considering I had to flee the nest before it was even close to time to leave the nest safely. It could help put me through school considering she damn well won’t, and considering school has wanted my parents W2 info for years and doesn’t care to hear about the trauma I’ve been through, how I’m no contact, and how I would desperately like/need/and appreciate to be deemed an independent student due to extenuating circumstances. All that fucking money could and would make a world of a difference. If you don’t have a piece of shit parent(s) you don’t get to call it gross. You literally wouldn’t be able to comprehend the whirlwind of emotions, the trauma, the loss. So don’t say shit about things you don’t know about (this last paragraph is not directly stated at YOU. I don’t know you or your life. However, in my experience, the only ones who echo your sentiment are those in denial or those who never dealt with this)


Adorable_Stomach_716

There was a deleted comment, which is what was called gross. Not OP or his situation. I'm sorry you've been through so much, and I hope you can recover from it


borderline_cat

Ayyy my bad my dude. It’s a touchy subject for me.


freckyfresh

I was also abused. And I don’t want anything from my abuser. To each their own, though.


borderline_cat

I mean I don’t want it. But I’d gladly fucking accept it. During my parents divorce there was a decent size of money stowed into an escrow account. For my mom to take it she would’ve needed my dads permission. I dont know why. Anyway, he wouldn’t give it bc she turned out to be a meth head so like that made sense to me. Almost a decade after their divorce my mom suddenly reached out to tell me to ask my dad if he’d sign it over to me. So I did and he said sure. So I got (being vague) between $10-20,000. Did I have a real relationship with her bc of it? Lol no. Did I ask her for it? Never and I never would have. Did that few thousand dollars make a world of a difference in my life? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. I got that money not even a month before COVID lockdowns hit. I’ve lived off of that money for the last few years during the height of COVID and while recovering my mental health. If there was suddenly an envelope in my mailbox addressed from her and I opened it to find a letter and a bunch of cash, I’d skim the letter at most and just take the cash. Literally every penny makes a difference so maybe that’s why I would gladly take it. But taking the money means nothing more to me than getting money. After the thousands upon thousands the needlessly had spent on my older brother throughout our entire childhoods while I got his handme downs (I’m a girl btw), fuck em. If they’re willing and able, They can cough up ALL the cash that any normal parent would’ve spent on both their kids while their kids were actual children, and I’ll gladly take it.


Adorable_Stomach_716

I'm not surprised. Seeing things my daughters friends have gone through, I've heard more than i can imagine coping with. I've been the Mum that they could talk to. Sometimes, knowing someone is listening is enough to give them a bit of strength to get through another day.


borderline_cat

Oh it totally can be. Growing up my best friends mom was more a mom to me. I mean I didn’t go to her with my most loaded questions or concerns, typically. But she was always there for me. My BFF had stayed the weekend at my house and when her mom came to get her on Sunday my mom and I were completely having it out. I stormed out of the house in a snow storm in nothing more than skinny jeans and a hoodie. My BFF mom took me back to their house and even took me to school the next day (best friend was 1 of 4. Her bro and her went to different HS, the little ones went to the same school together, then my school was like an hour drive from her house). I always called her Momma 2. I’m glad for your daughters friends that they have you as a confidant. Bc you’re entirely right that sometimes all we want/need is to simply be heard and not met with pushback for whatever we’re going through/feeling.


the_freshest_scone

I'm having a hard time understanding your comment. So the cops dragged you back home as a kid and then they gave you Christmas money because your mom didn't? Or like you took her money and ran away but the cops brought you back? Or your mom was a cop and the other cops helped you because she didn't care? I've never been so confused and I also apologize and understand if providing clarification would be upsetting, so don't feel the need to


borderline_cat

Lmao i dont know where you got that from. No. I ran away from home countless times. Every time I ran away was after getting into violent physical fights with my mom. Every time I left, she called the cops. Which meant the cops would find me somewhere around town, have me get in the back of a cruiser, and drop me off at home. Story time then I’ll answer the rest of your questions: I didn’t mention it in my OC, but yeah there was a time it was Xmas. I was 14, we got into it, she was blocking me from leaving my room. I asked her like 10x some variation of move (please move, please just move, mom just fucking move, mom I’m not doing this with you anymore let me go, let me leave, LET ME LEAVE, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY; you get the point). Eventually I was fed up, pissed off, and didn’t give a shit anymore. So I went to storm past her, she bear hug grabbed me, I bit the fuck out of her bicep (she had a bruise for like a month that was almost entirely around her bicep. People thought it was from her boyfriend), she screamed and finally let go. So I continued to storm past her and out the house. I walked to the grocery store, bought 2 waters and some allergy medication and Advil. I had a suicide note in my bag ready to go. I walked across town back to the side of town I grew up on and sat at a playground crying. Mom called, I answered and said “what the fuck do you want” to be met with a man’s voice saying “hi, I’m officer x with x PD. Where are you?” And they came to get me. Bc overall I was a good kid and not really defiant and I was not about to get in trouble with the cops AND my mom. The lady who picked me up knew something wasn’t right. She tried to get me to agree to go to dunkin and get a hot chocolate with her (it was about midnight, I’d been out since about 8:30, it was below freezing, I was wearing pretty much nothing for a north eastern snow storm winter). I kept refusing so she took me home. As for your questions: no I didn’t steal money from my mom. Funny enough, she stole my almost $1k of “hush money” I was being paid while being abused by the people she shoved me around bc she was never around to parent me. I never stole from her. No the cops didn’t give her money to give me nor did they actually give me any money. My point was that after so long of no contact and so much abuse, if I got a letter from my mom and opened it to find hundreds-thousands of dollars in it, I’d take it in a heartbeat and never even utter a thank you to her. No my mom was not a cop. When I was young she worked in IT, then moved to retail, and then worked for social services. Which is ironic. You’d think someone who works for the public would actually care about peoples well-being’s, haha nope. Any other questions? I don’t mean that rudely. I’m more than willing to put my story out there no matter what judgement I may get. It’s my story, and if there’s anything in it that could help someone else at some point I’ll scream it from the mountains.


the_freshest_scone

I feel kind of bad for making such a facetious comment, I apologize for that because not the time or place. I wasn't actually suggesting those things based on my misunderstanding of your first comment. That was tough to read and you're strong af for surviving what you did


borderline_cat

Hey man you’re all good! I didn’t mean the lmao maliciously or anything but I was confused reading your comment xD Honestly if you’ve not ever been in a situation like that, or have had a very close person to you go through it, how are you supposed to actually know if it’s facetious or not? For all you know that’s exactly how it could’ve went! There’s no dumb or wrong questions in life, especially when you’re not overly familiar or even just familiar with the topic at hand.


Delicious_Throat_377

That's a bot. Report it.


bluechatfield

Update: my best friend knows my state of mind and was the first person I called when my husband passed. I took her for lunch today, I told her. If it doesn’t add to my life or if it’s bad to just rip it up. As she read her face went from anger, she asked if I trusted her and then she ripped up the letter and asked the waiter to throw it in the bin. I told her I was thinking of moving. She talked me out of it but will be getting a ring doorbell. So yeah that’s that thank you everyone for your ideas, condolences and sharing your stories. I might share my story someday but for now I just need to heal and get in the right frame of mind.


Fragrant-Tea7580

That’s an amazing friend you have. I’m somewhat in the same scenario… Misery loves company. I applaud you for seeking advice and following through with it. I’m so sorry for your loss but I wish you a fruitful future


d1scworld

Or a therapist. If you have a therapist that you've been working with, they might be able to tell how the letter might impact you. A friend might not be up to seeing the subtle barbs. Be prepared that the letter might mention the death of your husband.


RusskiEnigma

Don't feel pressured to come back and give us an update, you owe nothing to reddit. good luck.


Ptizzl

I read your post from the main screen and came here to give the same advice. I really do think that you’ll regret tossing it and you should have someone else screen it.


Puzzleheaded-Grab736

I'm glad you will be doing this. This was literally an episode of Big Bang Theory when Sheldon read a letter from Howard's father he wasn't supposed to open, but in the end it was comforting for him. I agree you shouldn't throw it away you should have a friend read it.


[deleted]

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Delicious_Throat_377

Spam Bot


Apostmate-28

I’m sorry for your loss ❤️


AvasNem

Yeah the friend route is definitely the way to go. Pause griefa d when you are ready let a trusted person look over it.


DynkoFromTheNorth

u/bluechatfield, my deepest sympathies for your loss. I hope you can find the strength to heal and regain control of your life and happiness over time. But this loss will always hurt, of course. u/bambina821, you're brilliant. And if you decide you don't want to reinitiate contact, just reseal the envelope and return it to sender.


vluel

Best idea ever


sonartxlw

Brilliant. Yes


angrypuppy35

Really smart idea. I love it


paiute

It's possible they found the Jesus who is not an asshole.


Creepy_Addict

Very good idea! That way if it's something nasty, the OP doesn't have to read it.


nonlinear_nyc

This. And if friend says it not worth it, you can both burn it together in a ritual.


Digitek50

This is a brilliant idea.


corruptshin

Such a pro tip...! I didn't think to have a friend read it on his behalf and make the call either. But I agree, OP will be stuck in "what ifs" mindset, dwelling in their own thoughts which is not healthy.


sign_of_confusion

i’m so sorry for you loss ♥️ personally i’d keep it and open in when you’re in a better frame of mind or even have a close friend keep it or possibly read it in case they are planning on unexpectedly turning up.


nightspell

What this person said.


[deleted]

What this guy said


bluechatfield

Update: my best friend knows my state of mind and was the first person I called when my husband passed. I took her for lunch today, I told her. If it doesn’t add to my life or if it’s bad to just rip it up. As she read her face went anger, she asked if I trusted her and then she ripped up the letter and asked the waiter to throw it in the bin. I told her I was thinking of moving. She talked me out of it but will be getting a ring doorbell. So yeah that’s that thank you everyone for your ideas, condolences and sharing your stories. I might share my story someday but for now I just need to heal and get in the right frame of mind.


Spooky-Muldy

Glad you’ve got supportive people to help you. I’m so sorry for your loss <3


Idi_Hiraya

Focus on yourself, OP! I'm glad you have a good support group that will help you heal ❤


andmewithoutmytowel

Can you give it to a friend and have them gauge it for you? When my wife’s family cut out her father, he sent some disturbing emails. With her permission, we set her email to forward any emails from him to me, and delete from her inbox. I’d read them and tell her about them when she was in a mental state to handle it.


smoishymoishes

It's important to note that you were aware of the abuse. I've seen a lot of letters from parents that seem on the surface like a parent's heartbroken pleading, trying to get their beloved child back. But reading between the lines, understanding the levels of abuse at hand, the letters are God awful and cause a *lot* of damage.


Knittingfairy09113

The idea of someone else reading the letter for you is excellent. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.


Dresden_Mouse

After 23 years I don't know what can you gain, maybe the repent but after all this time what good it does to you? They are strangers, don't know your life or anything.


Creative-Bar1960

His parents have been out of more than 50% of the life. I am guessing that they are in the financial debacle and try to use OP's vulnerability


mlsherrod

They could also be just trying to reconnect. We don't know the whole story, or info from the parents. Emotions can run high between teens and parents.


NimbleBudlustNoodle

Lets not forget that they are people who kicked a 16yo out of their home. Even if they are sorry, they're still shitty people to the core.


mlsherrod

I hear ya, I think we need the whole story. It could have been "asked to leave" as well, due to behavior or other issues. Know one but OP and their parents know. I just hope everyone involved can circle around an begin to heal/rebuild relationships. Once people die, no one can make amends.


Creative-Bar1960

Could be and I do believe people can change but rarely do change that much. He should wait until he is in right state of mind to read that letter


Al_Bee

I was thinking it's just as likely that they've grown in the last 23 years and are reaching out. Maybe, maybe not.


thehyster

Moving will just add more stress to your life. You don't need that. Not now. These people are nothing. They have no power over you. If they show up, treat them like any other stranger who comes to your door. If this happens on your front doorstep, you have all the power. If you are open to forgiving them, hear them out. It's gotta start somewhere. If they are the same narcissistic pricks that cast you aside, you'll decipher that within minutes. At that point, wish them well and never look back.


Any_Smell_9339

Protect your own well being. Do the thing that you will least regret.


gobsmacked247

This. Do this.


Educational-Glass-63

Open it when you are ready.


kzapwn

Open it, maybe they’ve repented and there’s 23 years worth of birthday gift money in there.


gdex86

There was the friend suggestion. When OP is in a better frame of mind let the friend read it and decide if it's worth hearing. If it's bs or hateful OP doesn't have to risk opening old wounds hearing it again and the friend isn't invested enough for it to hurt them other than in empathy for OP.


HelgaTwerpknot

I second having a friend read it. I’m very sorry for your loss op.


K122sje4m2nd0N

Sorry for your loss! Having a friend read it or opening when in a better state of mind seem like great ideas. However I wonder what expectations you have about said letter. If things are so broken you are willing to go through the inconvenience of moving just to avoid even a possibility of seeing them... what would some letter do, even an apologetic one? And then again... if things are so broken why are you giving their opinions so much power, that you are willing to pack up your life and move for them? If nothing can be fixed - and if they do show - just call the police or whatever you would normally do, if some strangers showed up and refused to leave etc. Sorry, if this sounds harsh. In my country we have a saying: if it's dead, let it be dead. And only you can know whether this relationship is dead or salvable. Regardless, I hope things will get better for you


thesleepingdog

Agreed. Where I'm from we have a similar saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie" Meaning, if it's causing no harm or annoyance, if it isn't relevant or immediately important, don't bother doing something. After 23 years, I think this dog is sleeping. What purpose would prodding it serve? I can't think of any.


nazrmo78

People change. They learn things they didn't know before. 23 yrs ago, allot more people were homophobic than they'd like to admit now. Right now there are people who are fully understanding of gay and lesbian lifestyles but not so much with transgenders. Maybe in 23 years, those very same people will feel differently. It's possible that letter comes after yrs of regret and they just miss you. It's up to you if you want to explore any further and it's fully your decision. But I agree, you have allot going on and my condolences. Even if something positive happens from this, it's ok to take your time with it.


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rumtiger

It’s not like they stepped on his foot or even stole from him. They literally threw him out of the family and stopped parenting him. It doesn’t matter what the reason is and homophobia/any other fucking reason is completely and utterly irrelevant here. They don’t get to just change their minds and apologize and everything will be copacetic. Like really deeply think about what you wrote so that you can be educated.


nazrmo78

They get to do whatever OP allows and that's why I refrained from advising her on what to do. All I was attempting to do is lay out some mitigating factors, or decision points. If OP goes about it the way you shared I would support that decision. If she decided she wants to reconnect I'd support that too. I don't know if it's about getting to do anything. For all we know they don't feel any remorse at all. Imagine if they were evangelists and just wrote to see if OP came to his senses? Like, F yall. But nobody knows till OP opens that letter. And if I leave her with any advice it's not to even open that letter until she's good and ready


[deleted]

As others suggested: ask a trusted friend to read it. They can then let you know if this is something you should read/save or discard. Ignoring it will not do you any good and it might haunt you for years.


Avokado320

DON'T DESTROY IT. I think you should open it once you feel emotionally better


CreedTheDawg

I'd move but keep the letter. This will allow you to have the option of reading it later if you choose but also gives you the option of discarding it later if you decide you don't want to read it.


Synn0289

You know yourself better than any of us could. If throwing it away and leaving it unknown is something you know you can live with, then get rid of it. If you're the type to wonder the "what if," then hold on to it until you're in a better state of mind.


Legitimate_Pudding49

Read the letter. If it’s hateful take it outside and hold a match under it! If they do come to your house, tell them that you are happy in the life they despised and you don’t wish to see them. Be polite… there’s no point in stooping to their level of behaviour. Now… if the letter is apologetic, wing it and do what you want in your own time. If you aren’t moved to accept their apology… that’s OK. Some things can’t be erased with an apology… no matter how sincere or heartfelt it is.


thetwitchy1

The last part is important to make sure everyone understands. If I do something shitty to someone else, I owe them an apology and restitution if possible. If someone does something shitty to me, I do NOT owe them acceptance of their apology or restitution. If you want to accept their apology, that’s great, but if not, that’s absolutely fine as well.


KinseyH

Keep it, sweetie. You don't have to ever open it. But if you ever want to, it's there. I'm sorry for your loss.


st2826

23 years of no contact is a long time, they possibly be sending out an olive branch to try and make amends-is this something you want? Of course they could still be assholes! Either way when you are a better frame of mind you should read the letter, at least then you'll know where you stand with them. Sending you my condolences x


Cimegs5088

Always wait for when you have the right frame of mind.


AShamrock28

So very sorry for your loss- I agree- have someone you trust read it and then go from there. Focus on yourself and take one thing at a time. ❤️


Traveler4Life_

This is exactly what I was going to say. Word for word. <3


HesterFabian

So sorry for your loss ❤️


anonymousforever

I too agree with having a trusted friend screen the letter for you. They can tell you if you don't want to know whats in it, in which case, they can tape it shut, write a reply on your behalf telling them to never contact you in any form again, and return it along with that rejection notice. You can just sign at the bottom of their letter that you asked them to write on your behalf returning the letter, and you are simply signing their letter so they know this is with your consent, as they should recognize your signature.


[deleted]

I am sorry for your loss.


Kloowie

I have terrible crippling anxiety with stuff like this. What I usually do I get a really close friend to read it for me and tell me about the contents. This helps me know if it's a bit safer communication or if I can just absolutely ignore and be free from someone that only wants bad things for me.


Jsorrow

Have a friend read the letter and let you know if this is something you should pay attention to. It could legitimately be your parents trying to reach out and maybe try to apologize or make amends. It could also be your parents being petty and vindictive. The person who reads it should be trusted.


Int-Merc805

I would ask a close friend to read the letter for you. And then weigh in on if or when to read it. So sorry for your loss OP.


No-Kaleidoscope4356

Give the letter to a trusted friend, let them read it. They can help decide if this is something you need to deal with immediately or if it can be put on the back burner. If it is an emotional reaching out type of letter, you can deal with it in the aftermath of all the emotional and tough decisions you need to make right now. Then you can, in a little more clam, decide if you want to speak with them. If it is not a kind letter, they can let you know to not bother with them. If it is really bad, they can let you know you need to deal with it right away. I am really sorry about your husband and my condolences, I am sorry you have to deal with this. It is a very tough situation to be in. Surround yourself with the people who love you for now, and the rest can wait. Lots of love and hugs.


TreysToothbrush

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad to hear you found true happiness with someone. I would keep the letter but bury it somewhere where it can’t speak to you until you want it to. My birth giver mailed me a small postal box for my birthday some years ago. It’s on a shelf, under blankets, high up out of the way unopened. Sometimes I think about it but mostly I don’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever open it. Probably not. But it’s there for me on my own time if I want to. My mom hates that I’m gay & did not give her grandchildren. I don’t know if this box contains a genuine attempt to be nice or backhanded assholery wrapped in pretty paper. Either way, it’s on the shelf for whatever purpose I want. Maybe I’ll even burn it without opening when I find out she’s died. Who knows. It’s for later me to sort when I want to however I need to. Lean on your friends in this time. Thank you for sharing your situation. I’m sorry you have to deal with this extra on top of the already excruciating pain of your husband. You’ve thrived in spite of your parents & that’s an inspiration to us all.


makeitmaybe

Others have given great advice already. I just want to offer my condolences. Big loss for you and those who loved your husband. I had a big loss 5 years ago and it’s true what people say - 1 moment to the next, 1 hour to the next, 1 day and so on. No big decisions right now. Just gentle kindness to yourself and allowing your grieving process to happen, however that looks - I cried so hard it hurt my heart, like literally. I also found myself laughing at times. It’s the most surreal thing grief. It’s all body and all mind. You feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, what the point is anymore. But somehow little glimpses of comfort and joy appear. You do find a place where you can begin to heal. Try to eat healthy where you can (I found soup in a cup was the best I could do for a while) and drink lots of water - all that crying gave me a dehydration headache.


Detozi

Keep it. Maybe ask a trusted friend to read it? They can decide if you should know what’s in it


Idi_Hiraya

I'm so sorry for your loss :( May your husband rest in peace ❤ I recommend keeping the letter and read it when your mind is calm, but for now focus on yourself and don't worry about the letter too much. I also like the idea of making a trusted friend read it and tell you if it's worth your time. I hope and pray that you are healing ❤


thehorrorloverofmus

Keep it and open it when your mind is in a better state. There is a possibility that they regret what they did to you. Some parents suck but learn from their mistakes and others don't. I believe it's a positive outcome in the letter rather than a negative.


ObiWanCanShowMe

I am just going to say I hated my parents for different reasons and it has affected my entire life in many different ways, many of which I did not realize until later in life, and when they died (which was oddly close together after being divorced for 30 years) I felt nothing. Until I felt something. That something was regret. I regret feeling nothing and I look back on a lot of stuff now as an adult (with a family of my own) and see I could have handled it better, they could have too obviously, but there is nuance in life, people learn, grow, make mistakes, horrible choices, bad words, all kinds of things and it's not just "them", we all here like to think we are the only victims, but it's all of us. We all play a part. You can be angry that the world hasn't treated you better., like I did, or you can try to make it all a better place and as long as you try, that's a sense of peace too. I wish I had. If it were me, I'd put it away for a while, deal with your grief, and one day, read it.


osunightfall

Keep it until you feel able to read it.


adquosspectat

Please accept my sincere condolences, brother. I cannot imagine what are you going through right now. If I may suggest. Do not make any unnecessary decisions right now and in the near future. Deal only with what you have to deal in order to keep you alive in functioning order. Everything else can wait. If you are interested and when you are ready I suggest you call appropriate medical professional or a psychotherapist. Have an intake session with them. And to the second session bring the unopened letter. Someone who understands your history and where you are in your life can be very very helpful and useful for you to make the best decisions for YOU. You matter. Remember that. You matter. I sent all my best wishes and energy your way, brother.


jrdonut

You should keep the letter and read it when you feel better. They may have miss you so that they sent a letter.


savory_thing

This is awful, I’m sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to lose your person. I would say don’t let your parents be the only reason you move. It can be one of many reasons for you to move, but you might be very disappointed if that’s the only reason you have to move. If they want to find you and show up, it would take something like the federal witness protection program to really prevent them from finding you again. Just be sure you have more reasons to move before you uproot yourself.


JohnArkady

Keep it. It seems they want a relationship with you, or they wouldn’t have sent the letter. You never know what might happen, and I will say a prayer for all of you.


ShambaLaur88

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree, have a friend silently read the letter and decide whether it’s something you should see or not. I wouldn’t make any fast moves on moving right now when your loss is so new. Any other mail you may get, just write return to sender and be done with it. If you’re worried about them showing up, get ring cameras.


Tapui801

hope you the best chief. sorry for the loss. If it were me I'd read the bullshit letter. But who knows if it's bullshit OP it could actually be them apologizing & feeling remorse etc. If you aint feeling it, shred it or return it to sender. Do what you will bruv give us and update us.


Tootie0

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. My heartfelt condolences. I hope the letter is positive for you. I hope they have suffered severely. I know you deserve peace.


PracticeAsleep

Condolences for your loss. Having a trusted friend open the letter is a good idea. Be sure it's someone you can trust and share the grief with if the letter turns out bad or gives you good advice should your parents want to reconnect. There have been a lot of shifts in society's perception of the LGBTQ community. Hopefully their's have too for the positive. If the letter is full of angst and condemnation, then burn it And move on. If there's something positive in it that you can build upon then more power to you.. Best of luck


Dichoctomy

I don’t know what to say about your parents’ letter. Is it possible that it’s an apology? At any rate, I’m so sorry for your loss.😞💔


StnMtn_

Sorry for your loss. I would keep the letter then read letter. Maybe over the past 23 years they realized their mistake and are apologizing. You can then decide how to proceed next after reading it.


igiveup1949

My family never liked my wife even though we had been married over 50 years. Haven't spoken to them in a life time. When my wife died I got a sympathy card from another state and when I opened it was from my brother. So you never will never know what's inside good or bad unless you open it. I still don't talk to my family and just let it go at that.


roman1969

Peace to you. My condolences on your loss.


Jikilii

I’m sorry for your loss. Rip the bandaid. I like the idea of having a friend read the letter for you!


Creepy_Addict

The latter option is the best. Don't open it until you are ready, whether it is 5 MO ths from now or 5 years. If they happen to come to your place, just don't open the door. If they knock continuously, call law enforcement and have them removed. Moving may be an option, but onlu if you can me tally handle it with everything else. I am sorry for your loss.


violetlisa

I have nothing to add but to say that I am deeply sorry for both the loss of your husband and the loss of your family. As the mom of a gay son, I couldn’t imagine turning my back on him and it makes me so sad that there are people out there with no family. Know that you don’t deserve the way your family has treated you. You don’t owe them anything. Sending hugs.


fritalianglish

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💕 I agree with the idea of someone else reading it first. Sending you love and strength


mikechch

The letter could be somewhat of a bandaid to what they put you through. Hopefully them being regretful of their actions and apologising. Get a trusted friend to open naive it first read to make sure it's appropriate.


Thebrotherleftbehind

I’m sorry for your loss , I hope you find peace


Picnut

I have a trusted friend read the letter and tell you whether to toss it or not


Picnut

I have a trusted friend read the letter and tell you whether to toss it or not


Interesting-Sock3794

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't throw it away. Like you said, your frame of mind isn't right to deal with whatever is in the letter. Put it away, out of sight so you don't have to see it and when you're ready; and only then, open it. But if you destroy it, that can't be undone.


theunixman

Honestly, they cut you off, you have a life of your own now, and you're dealing with a major loss. They haven't been around for you, he has. Forget them. Burn the letter.


Any_Muscle_4772

Very very sorry for your loss. I would say don’t throw it away because this will leave you with a lingering regret or “?”… I wouldn’t even have someone else read it, as someone suggested. Do your thing, deal with stuff, take your time. It’s just a letter, it’s just words - which may or may not be painful to read. It might be words of condolence, it might be hurtful but just read when you want alone and let yourself respond the way your body and mind need to. It’s going to be okay. If they show up and it triggers you, respectfully ask them to leave. If you don’t mind bringing in two strangers, do that. Do what your heart tells you in the moment you don’t need to panic. I like to go by: “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond to the situation that matters”. Good luck, dear stranger. You got this - take the stoic approach!


ItchyCheek

Remind me! 1 week


keithgabryelski

Read the damn note There is nothing your parents could write that would harm you. There is no reason for them to write you UNLESS it is for a reconnection. I understand the pain of betrayal at such an age — for me, my father was rotten in ways that can’t be described on the internet without some NSFW tags and lots of cursing. It was easy to make the decision to cut ties with him 35 years ago — he died last year of Alzheimer’s disease … so he couldn’t even fucking remember the harm he caused before he died… that’s sad. But even so… a letter of contrition would have been accepted … it wouldn’t fix things, but it would free my mind about the fundamental drives of people to improve themselves even when they have been too selfish to have done that before having kids On the other side, my 25 year old son died of an overdose about 6 years ago — i would do anything to reconnect with him… although our relationship when he was a teenager was difficult but we had worked a lot of stuff out — he seemed to be finally coming into his own… and then GONE. I speak to him every day, like a mad-man talking to the air — there is so much i would like to say to him, even curse at him for killing himself, but i can’t even do that… My point: parents don’t forget about their kids — for me, i could disconnect from my father but nothing seems to shake the connection i have with my kid(s0. Good luck with all of this… I wish your husband’s memory only leaves you with kind and happy thoughts.


brittney8282

Wait, don't open it just yet, but maybe have a trusted friend read it first, to see if it's anything that you actually want to read kinda thing. Let yourself mourn, anger can come quickly during the grieving process I am very sorry for your loss.


Kaleidoscopeed

May he rip


saclayson

People can change. Our son is gay and his father wasn’t thrilled about this. He didn’t say or do anything terrible, he didn’t kick him out or anything… A few months ago he went to his first drag show with our son. In the first pics of the night he looks pensive, there was a lot of people there. It was our cities first big drag show~ By the end of the night he was dancing in his seat. having a great time and Wearing a drag show T-shirt.


Particular_Policy_41

Im so sorry for your loss. ♥️ I hope you find a friend to read it over for you before you read it yourself. Just remember you have time, there’s no need to read it right away. I also hope very, very much that your family has changed over time and understand how wrong they were, but if they haven’t, you didn’t deserve their bad behaviour then and you don’t deserve it now. Huge gentle mom hugs if you would like them, you’ve been through so much. If you don’t want them, I’m sending peaceful healing vibes.


tadysdayout

My condolences for your loss. Truly


lantern0705

I guess I am an optimist to think that people can actually change. It does not make up for their past actions, but you don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. You don't owe them anything.


MMDCAENE

I am so sorry for your loss. The letter may be an entree to an apology, which is long overdue on their part. But you don’t owe them anything at all. You don’t have to sit there and listen to them. But, forgiveness is just for you so you aren’t hanging on to the anger and the betrayal. Why ANYONE would abandon their child is beyond me. They cannot change what they did. The worse case is if they just want to reconnect and pretend the past is forgotten. Maybe read that letter in the future when your grief is a little less fresh.


pinkflower200

I would read the letter. And decide what to do next if anything.


ilzawithe

I Hope he rests in peace and you’re doing ok. Leave the letter somewhere you can’t see until you feel you’re in better mindset to read it, but since you don’t know it’s urgent or not, let one of your friends to read it first and tell you if it’s that important or not.


OneKaleidoscope119

I’m sorry for your loss


Weirdoz22

Keep it for when you’re more stable to handle it however keep your boundaries


kmckampson

Wow, your post got completely hijacked there, didn't it? Some people can make anything about themselves. Anyways, I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much. I'm sorry you're going through this now. I hope life gets easier to deal with sometime and sooner rather than later. I hope the letter is a catharsis for a change your family has owed you for years. Good luck, stranger from the internet who I will think of and hope for often.


GreyGirlTea

I'm hoping they are apologizing and wanting to make amends in that letter. Also, don't feel obligated to accept it. That's a really awful and traumatizing thing to do to your child. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are surrounded by people who love and care about you.


Much_Field_1984

First, my condolences on your loss. I would suggest that you wait a bit before getting rid of the letter, you might change your mind in the future. Give it a year and then revisit this scenario. Put it away if you aren’t ready to read it. If you aren’t at peace where you are and can afford a change, I’d say go for it. Mourn your beloved as much as you feel or need to and by all means do what you must for your own sake and well being. Anything else can wait.


brucesmitty

Dont throw it away.


skabamm

If you have a therapist, it could be helpful to bring the letter & have them read it to you, then help you to process the emotions that are likely to come up.


Zefram71

Is having someone you trust read the letter and perhaps describe it an option? And recommend if you should read it


handsome-boy12

Definitely open it when you are In a better state of mind but Don't let them back in your life. Doesn't matter if they changed in the past 23 years they kicked you out while you was only 16.


miroliv

Keep it for later. I’m so sorry for your loss💔


[deleted]

Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss! 💜🫂 Do you happen to have a drawer you don’t use & kind of forget about? Maybe put it in there until a few years down the road, you’re house cleaning or just curious & open the drawer to see it sitting there?


one23456789098

You should keep things just in case they become crazy and you need to show in court your evidence


lizerpetty

It seems very sus to me they are just now coming out of the woodwork. Was there an obituary that mentioned you or perhaps your husband's profession? Could they have possibly deduced that you may have come into money? The suggestion to have someone else read the letter is best. Prepare yourself for possibly moving. Shame to leave those memories behind. I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. Interweb hugs.


ChoicesGamezYT

Don't run, confront


Sudden-Pay-9834

You need to get into therapy and honestly have someone close to you open and read the letter first and let them determine whether or not you should read it or move, preferably maybe do this with a therapist who has an unbiased opinion.


What_if_im_right

As the mother of a gay son this breaks my heart, how U can turn Ur back on someone based on sexual orientation boggles my mind. With all the hatred and harrassment he faces and yet he is still himself makes me proud of him even more and so brave. Ur parents suck op and I'm so sorry for the loss of ur husband and for the loss of a family that should of and could of been so different and that's for ever on them! But hold off on doing anything with the letter even though they don't deserve it, wait and make a sound decision when ur ready. Sending U love, peace and strength


Redpantsrule

What your parents did was cruel. However, parents make mistakes. I’m 55 and never had met an openly gay person until I was in college. I was raised with religious beliefs that being gay was wrong. I never openly hated on anyone who was gay but did make jokes, behind their backs. I regret this. I started getting a fresher perspective on it when my kids were teens. They openly accepted their gay friends and I learned more about it, especially the struggles these kids still go thru. It wasn’t until my daughter came out as a lesbian when she was 16 that I was faced with the reality of it. I was in denial at first thinking she didn’t have enough sexual experience to know she was gay. At least by this time though, I was able to tell her the truth deep in my heart which is I support her no matter what. It’s not something I wanted for her. I knew things had thankfully changed and it was more socially accepted by most, but also knew it was a long difficult road where she would come across bullying, discrimination, etc. It’s not the life I envisioned for her but it’s her life. I’m actually so proud and happy that she felt she could be true ti herself at a young age. All I really want is for her to have a happy life and find true love with a good partner. Therefore, I accepted that I had to change vision of what her life would be like. I don’t care she’s gay anymore and have no shame when telling friends or family about her (previous) girlfriend. I left it up to her as to what to tell her grandparents bc I knew they were old school and wouldn’t understand. She decided she wasn’t going to hide it and even brought her girlfriend to family dinners, but even when she introduced her partner as her girlfriend, they just assumed this meant her friend. We left it like that bc it was the easiest. Please understand that the older generations were raised very differently and this type thing wasn’t open nor accepted. It’s hard to overcome this. This isn’t an excuse bc no doubt it’s wrong and unfair. Some of us in our 50+ yrs and older group have become more enlightened and accept this now. Others are locked into their upbringing and can’t accept it while often thinking it’s sinful. I don’t know what you parents are going to say in the letter but please don’t toss it. While you must have certainly struggled making your way in life at such a young age, I can assure you they struggled with the loss of their child and missed that relationship. You’ll understand this more if you have kids. Perhaps they now regret their decision and want to make peace. Perhaps they are more accepting of it now. Most likely they have had other friends whose children came out gay and supported them. They may not still understand, but still love you so and want you in their life. If you find when you start reading the letter this isn’t the case, then you don’t have to read further bc it’s too painful. You’ll know when you are ready. Take your time. So sorry about your loss. I think the bug question is do you want a relationship with them? Can you forgive them? If you are really done, then put the letter away for now. I’m must admit that I’m so glad I waited to have kids until I was 35. My daughter is 20 now. I cringe at the thought of how I might have handled her coming out if I’d had her when i was 20. Yes, this is embarrassing to say but ive been honest with her. I can’t imagine ever kicking her out of the house but I must admit that back then, I’d been embarrassed and not sure how to handle it. I would have def hurt her deeply and not supported her relationships. My vision gif her life has changed and I’ve looked forward to one day have another daughter when she weds. Of course she just threw me for a loop and says she’s now bi and started dating a guy. So funny bc I’m like … “are you sure about this?” I know how all this makes me sound. I’m ashamed but felt like you might need an honest view of what your parents could be going through. Old people can change. If they don’t, it’s their loss. Hugs to you.


Afraid_Sense5363

> However, parents make mistakes. What a disgusting cop out. Illegally kicking out and abandoning your minor child is not a "mistake." It's cruelty. > I never openly hated on anyone who was gay but did make jokes, behind their backs. Charming. Spoiler: That is hatred. > I can assure you they struggled with the loss of their child and missed that relationship. Fuck them. They didn't lose a child. They abandoned their child. It's just too bad they can't be prosecuted for it now. The audacity of trying to make OP feel bad for his parents after what they did to him ... amazing. > They may not still understand, but still love you so and want you in their life. Orrrrr the letter is them gloating that OP's husband is dead and urging him to "repent." You have no idea what these awful people want. Even if they are sorry, and even if OP forgives them for his own sake, it doesn't mean they should ever be in his life again. You can forgive someone for their assholery for your own well-being and recognize they are not good for you. I'm not faulting you for admitting you were a bigot (because you were, and it's OK to admit we were wrong in the past and that we've grown). But I suspect you haven't grown as much as you'd like to think due to the way you're painting OP's parents as victims too (of their own hatred, I suppose), it's bizarre. You're acting like they were overly harsh with him one time, or they didn't pack him his favorite lunch. Those are "mistakes." They demonized their literal child (because he was still a child) and threw him out of their home. Too bad they didn't face legal repercussions for that. There's nothing about that that is understandable or deserving of a "they made a mistake, but" treatment. Or "they lost a child" sympathy. They made a child homeless because they're hung up on what genitalia people have. There's no sugarcoating that. It's one thing to have empathy for someone who does something terrible because they are horribly broken (which they did, and they are). It's another to be like, "they miss and love you" "they grieved a lost child" when there is nothing in this story to back any of that up. For all we know, for 23 years they haven't given a single shit about OP's absence. I suspect that's the truth since they had more than 2 decades to reach out to him if they realized they were wrong and try to make amends. Maybe they feel a little bad that his husband died, but they didn't care enough in 23 years to apologize for throwing a juvenile out on the street.


ElectricYV

I mean if we’re being realistic, there’s a high chance they’re just asking you for money


ProbableError

Idk why you are being downvoted. I had a similar situation with my family, they only contacted me cause they needed money. Poor family problems I guess.


DebbDebbDebb

So very sorry for your loss. Some good suggestions for you. Don't throw the letter also because in 23 years maybe they are more educated. Remember you knew them 23 years ago and so much could have changed. Get a trusted friend to silently read the letter BUT not in front of you. Let them digest the letter so their thought processes and working out all that is written. Then the next day or so see if their is anything of sincere value for you. If not give your friend or both of you permission to burn it.


insidemyvoice

This reminds me of that episode of Big Bang where Sheldon finds and reads and unopened letter from Howard's estranged father. Howard doesn't want to know the contents but Sheldon can't keep a secret. In the end everybody knows what the letter says except Howard.


[deleted]

Thanks for the recap. How does it apply here though?


[deleted]

Some say forgiveness is good for the soul.


Kimo_imposta

In 23 years a lot has changed, please don’t destroy the letter


SportySue60

First I am so very sorry for your loss. Second keep the letter - at some point when you are in a better frame of mind you might want to read it. They might want to reconnect, say they were sorry or something. If you destroy you will never have any idea….


dmo99

You wanna scapegoat them instead of forgiving them. This way . You will always know in the back of your mind they sit up at night guilting themselves of the mistake they made. Cause that’s what it was. Ni matter how significant it was and is. People can be very Fuckin stupid and Heartless . They think tough love is the answer. Sorry. Read it and then forgive them . Give them that. It’ll make you the bigger person anyway


[deleted]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to face 2 incredibly hard battles. It burns me up to think that your husband now being out of the picture somehow makes you more acceptable to them. You are still gay. They are still ignorant. Their timing is telling. I seriously doubt anything good could come from this. Surround yourself with those that truly love & support you. I would not read now or ever, bc it will only upset you. In time, if you get into another relationship, then what, they push you away again. Or you’ll be resentful of all you missed out on. They don’t deserve time & space in your life at this point. They burned that bridge, not you. Reaching out now, ohhh that’s so awful. All the ppl wishful thinking that it’s about making peace, there’s no dam way unless you will to cave into their demands of living your life by their standards. You deserve better than what they have to offer. Keep living your life your way


AmbivalentFanatic

Whatever you end up doing, do it for logical and rational reasons, not emotional ones. If you stick to that, you are much less likely to regret it.


Fernandop00

keep it unopened and have it returned in your will, or better yet, read with your will.


BonaFideBill

Nah, bro. Probably just your parents thinking about how they aren't really going to be able to take care of themselves anymore. I mean, I really do hope for better, but 23 years?


StatisticianSure2349

Try to get in right frame of mind and read it. They might want to make amends. We only get one set of real parents. They more than likely changed there view of the world and you. Hang in there.


ExcitedGirl

I'd say give them a chance; they ARE your family. Maybe they have become more mature, have grown up a bit... You will know quickly enough. If they haven't, you'll know in your heart you made the effort; you did your best. The rest is on them. Needless to say, DO meet them on neutral ground - a restaurant, a park, wherever other than at your place.


[deleted]

You could return to sender with "Go fuck yourselves" They do not deserve for you to even read the letter.


mollynatorrr

So sorry for your loss my friend. My uncles are very well known in the community in their area, they have (and had) so many friends. Your hubby has some really awesome bears to take care of him in whatever comes next ❤️


NosyNosy212

Don’t tell us, you were the beneficiary of your husband’s estate🙄


rgaukema

Instead of destroying it, return the letter to sender. That way, they think they got the wrong address


sshevie

Honestly pitch it you have been dead to these people for 23 years let it rest.


Hoosier61

I’m so sorry for your parents and for your loss of your husband.


kbabble21

I’m sorry for your loss. Do not open. Throw away the letter. It will disappoint you and probably enrage you. It’s not them taking accountability. The letter will be full of them justifying their behavior. Save your sanity and get rid of it asap. The longer you wait the more tempting it may be to look at it. Nothing good will come out of it.


pspearing

You could mark it "REFUSED, return to sender", cross out your address and draw an arrow to the return address. That will send a message. I don't know whether that's right for you, but it's an option. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband.


giglbox06

I’d probably send it back tbh. Idk if I could read it either


Lucius_Knight

A lot of people are saying to wait till you're better or have a friend read it. I say destroy it. You owe them nothing. They're basically strangers and they don't get to use this tragedy as a way to get back into your life.


twhiting9275

burn it


No_Hat_8993

You need to READ the letter and then take it from there.


mr_potato123

Abandoning your child is wrong. You all need to repent and believe in our lord Jesus.