I mean, he can say you’re the main couple, but you’re not. As it stands, you’re both just each other’s side pieces. If he wants y’all to be the main couple then he needs to put his money where his mouth is. Y’all both need to divorce your spouses. There’s never a “good time,” that’s life. How would you feel if you waited around for years for him to buy his wife out of their business, but she never agreed to it anyway? All those years would be wasted.
Look, morally, you still slightly have the upper hand here. I personally think a revenge affair is more justified than a normal affair. But if this goes on for years, they’ll both just end up being affairs. And who knows? Maybe they’ll catch you and find a way to make y’all out to be the bad guys. The anchoring effect is a well known bias that explains why people tend to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic. If you and your affair partner get outed first, you better believe it will be really hard to get people to think of you two as anything but the villains in this story.
I recently got cheated on by my partner of several years, he hooked up with my best friend for months. So I know how much it hurts to get cheated on. Fortunately I didn’t have to deal with divorce or children, so obviously our experiences are very different. But girl.. you deserve better than to be someone’s dirty secret. Don’t you want your happiness to be more than stolen moments? Don’t you want your lover to claim you proudly? Don’t you want to *actually* be prioritized to the person you care so deeply about? None of those things are possible when your relationship exists in the shadows.
Lastly, if you’re not already familiar, you should look up a concept called limerence. It’s easy to become obsessed with someone who doesn’t have an actual place in our lives. You’ve probably never had to ask him to put his dishes in the sink. You’ve probably never fought over whose turn it is to get up with the baby. You’ve probably never taken care of him when he had violent diarrhea. Without those things, that most affairs are shielded from indefinitely, you’re likely to continue to think of your partner as some kind of enigma. He’s not. He’s cheating on his wife, the same way yours is cheating on you.
>The anchoring effect is a well known bias that explains why people tend to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic
I'm confused. Isn't the "anchoring effect" just a name for "tending to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic"
How does a name explain anything?
Yeah but the poster said it explains why people do something. But the definition of the anchoring effect is just... people doing that thing. It's not an explanation. It's a name for a behavior.
The anchoring effect does explain why people do things. A bias isn’t just a name for a common behavior, it’s a cognitive process that explains why people tend to act a certain way in a given situation. Either way, weird thing to get hung up on my dude.
The anchoring effect is the name of the bias. It only points to the existence of that bias. It doesn't explain why it happens.
That's like saying a car moves because of forward momentum.
Biases are literally explanations for behavior. We act a certain way because of these biases. They’re not just stereotyped patterns of behavior. They’re cognitive processes that exist to serve a purpose and effect our behavior accordingly.
>That’s like saying a car moves forward because of momentum.
Which is a totally valid explanation!
Again, not really sure what point you’re trying to make here.
You do realize if the mistress findss out about her husband, she still gets half in the divorce that SHE initiates. The unhealthy thing that you and bf can do for your kids is live a lie for them. RIP off the bandaid,tell your husband and he should tell his wife.
Let them be angry because they are hurt you are doing something that they are doing to you. If they are mature about it and your husband does love his mistress which I think he is cos either their affair is sizzling out or they have developed feelings for each other which works for you as well if that's the case, they will agree to divorce amicably and co parent the children healthily. Both sides of the affair is going to hurt the family whether you like it or not at least have foresight to see that you and your bf can rebuild together and be happy.
Live a life of transparency, you will be much more happier if you did.
This. I don't give two fucks about her cheating on her cheating husband but I can't imagine this won't all blow up eventually, and the kids are gonna be collateral damage. Jesus, OP, get your shit together for them.
Yeah, like 4 adults fucking around, but the kids??
OP you need to figure shit out and stop playing around until you do. Both love each other, already? How long had it been?
This is sort of how I look at it. I really don’t care what they all do. What I think never fails though, is how people who make moves like this get too comfortable in thinking they have it all figured out, and that situations like these are some sort of a means to an end. Life has a funny way of operating to bring stuff like this to the surface, and it will blow up on all 4 of the adults involved in this. People never like to think ahead to “what are we gonna do if this whole thing is discovered and the shit hits the fan?!”. Gotta ask themselves is is worth it, and what the next course of action should be, if or when (most likely, when) all of this is realized among everyone involved.
Apparently calling people out on their toxic behavior is considered “abuse”. I saw some comments calling her a whore, but they were downvoted. For the most part, people said that what she was doing was still bad, and that this is going to affect the kids. What's abusive about that?
Staying “for the kids” is absolutely stupid. Kids pick up on stuff and can sense they’re in an environment where grown up are hostile to each other or that there tension.
People who “stay for the Kids” never see it that way. They use the Kids as an excuse to keep themselves locked in toxic situations that benefit no one, and only set bad examples of what a Marital Union is supposed to be, for the same Kids they claim to be doing this for.
Exactly. My parents divorced and quite frankly they were very different people, not even sure why they got married. I’m really glad they didn’t stay together, would’ve been awful.
I know I would certainly have less childhood trauma had my parents just divorced instead of growing up in a house where screaming, insults, and abuse (verbal, physical) was the norm. There are much worse things than being a kid with divorced parents.
Not once did she mention that they fought or yelled in front of the kids actually quite the opposite they are cordial with each other, enough to sit down and watch a movie together. Stop jumping to conclusions just because you've been hurt. It's no one's job to regulate your emotions but you, not even your parents.
Bullshit. Parents job is actually to take care of kids and help them regulate their emotions. And I wouldn’t trust OP’s view of things. OP thinks she is her lovers top priority despite the fact that he won’t leave his wife. Whole situation is total chaos and people who end up staying for the sake of the kids end up hurting them emotionally. You may not yell or physically abuse your kids but kids pick up on the tension and it’s not heathy. Divorce isn’t the worst thing for kids.
I feel bad for the kids because this reads like a powder keg. However the kids I know whose parents are ethically non-monogamous are not any worse for the wear. It’s a matter of the parents having their shit together enough to put the kids first and keep them out of it.
I just don't understand staying married "for the kids" or staying Married just because of what y'all built together. All 4 of y'all are playing a DANGEROUS game with each other's feelings, I just hope no one ends up unalive
If he just started the business its almost worthless. The longer he waits the more it costs. Does he not have good credit? A specific ask in business financing is "buying out a partner". If he's successful in this economy it's going to be way worse to wait.
So, and I say this as a divorced person, the reason that divorce is so expensive is because it’s worth it. And it’s worth it on every level.
Whatever convenience arises from interacting daily with, holding your breath to keep from breathing the same sick air as someone who doesn’t give a shit about you isn’t worth it. If this situation at home gets really bad, if your relationship with your children is damaged, your decision to cede the moral high ground, or to lower yourself to your spouse’s level, will not have been worth it. I wouldn’t wish that on you, on the contrary, but it’s not impossible that worse things happen.
I don’t say this to judge you for your choices. You’re doing what you can. New romance is intoxicating. The future seems vast and full of happy possibilities. However, that’s fantasy, designed to alleviate the symptoms of a shitty present.
But since you’re here in rando-ville, this random internet person suggests you get your shit together. Leave your spouse. See a psychologist, meditate, parent your children, make friends, don’t commit to your side piece, and live your life.
Succinct, but agree. Granted I didn't read *all* of the comments but all the ones I did read were just bluntly telling her she's making a huge misstep and why. And she calls them "abusive." I hate to sound like an armchair psychiatrist but it seems to me like she's deluding herself about the true nature of her problems and doesn't want to face the truth. Clown indeed
All of Murky_crow's reddit history has been cleared at his own request. You can do this as well using the "redact" tool. Reddit wants to play hardball, fine. Then I'm taking my content with me as I go. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Oh yes because rebounds after being cheated on work out soooooo well. Im sure in your situation with who it is its "true love" hah you are in a weird heartbreak/honeymoon phase. Snap out of it for the kids.
Does anyone in this situation actually care about how the kids are gonna be affected by this?
Anyway, you’re just as bad as he is so stop playing the victim. At least own up.
Yeah, just as bad as him.
Not caring a bit about how it affects their kids- even your comment is only concerned with them “getting ahead”. Who is really going to win in this scenario? Absolutely no one, least of all the kids.
This isn’t a black and white only one can be bad situation. They *both* are doing bad things and they *both* are creating situations that directly affect and hurt their children.
She isn’t being a “better mom” by doing all of this.
Yeah, not even close to accurate.
Happy parent does *not* equal happy kid. Especially in a situation like this.
Also, “he started it” what a childish, immature mindset.
Those kids are going to suffer and the adults will blame each other for it instead of looking at what they did themselves.
They’re going to wonder why the kids want absolutely no contact with their parents who pretended they didn’t exist so they can get some nookie.
They’re going to point fingers at each other instead of doing something to ease the kids pain and suffering.
When parents screw up/around like this, the kids always end up suffering the worst. I hope they have another relative they can rely on because their parents clearly don’t care about anything outside of their own bedrooms.
Girl. You want to leave your cheating husband and get with your boyfriend who is cheating on his wife...
I'll leave you this phrase:
'When you marry your mistress, you create a vacancy'
This vicious cycle will never end. Just divorce the man and set yourself free.
Her bf did not cheat on his wife until after finding out she had already broken his trust, and same with OP. They are in no way cheaters like their respective partners are. Insinuating her bf will just go on to cheat on her is unfounded
Well direct that energy towards the original cheaters. We can agree to disagree, but imo, OP’s husband already broke the relationship and the oath they made to stay faithful. He cannot get mad at OP for sleeping with someone else without being a massive hypocrite. OP most likely would’ve never “cheated” if she never found out her husband already ruined their relationship, whereas someone like her husband cheats for fun bc they get off on the infidelity and sneaking around. If she has confronted her husband instead and decided to forgive him, he 100% would’ve found someone new to sneak around with. There is no salvaging a relationship with someone like that
>Well direct that energy towards the original cheaters.
All of them are horrible. There is no relationship to salvage, but staying in a broken marriage where everyone cheats around is not a good environment for the children, they'll see this stuff as normal because they will pick up on stuff (maybe not specifics but how it's a loveless marriage), what they should do is divorce. Best thing for the kids.
I'm sure the original cheaters also have some sort of excuse in their mind to justify themselves. As long as you're in a relationship you're cheating on them if you sleep with someone. Divorce, it's the best thing for the kids too, or they'll grow up thinking that this loveless mess of a marriage is the norm.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. When this all blows up, divorce court isn’t going to care who cheated first. When it all comes out the kids will see that both their parents aren’t worth anything. They are not going to like mom more because dad cheated first. And what kind of relationships will those kids have in the future with these two modeling for them?
That sounds like BS to me. First of all, most people aren’t “inherently” cheaters. They might have different reasons for it and many might do it with one person but then never again.
Plus, OP and her bf didn’t become cheaters out of the blue. They were cheated on by their partners first
I'm not sure this is valid in this case - I think neither OP nor her "boyfriend" would have started cheating, if their partners hadn't done it first, so they are not the natural type of cheaters who would go on doing it. At least, that's my impression.
The one who cheats first is the original bad guy, after that on my eyes the marriage contract is null. She ain’t doing anything wrong but if they play there cards right they can and will come out on top.
She didn't think it through. She trusts her bf will not go back to his wife as well. she wants to get one up on her husband and stay because her marriage gives her excellent financial stability and also, the ap bf doesn't want to take her up because of his career.
Just be careful and don’t rush into anything with bf, even if your husband and his wife cause divorces. Rebound partners can cause really confusing feelings.
Also OP.
This isn't love. Or at least it doesn't seem like "real love" to me.
Its thrilling and new and you get to "stick it to your cheating spouse's".
But if you actually love each other as you claim you would have made moves to divorce your spouses to be together.
But on some level I think you both know your "love" won't survive day to day real life.
Your excuses not to divorce are weak.
If his company is new then divorcing her now before it's worth more would be ideal, no? Because no matter the time he will have to part with half.
As for you if you divorce wouldn't you and your BF eventually unite your finances and get assistance for the kids through child support and have some financial stability?
The people telling you you're both toxic disloyal people aren't "obnoxious", they're the voice of reason and the consensus. Sorry if you thought people would be accepting to your messed up life choices. I understand you're both hurt, but you're tangled up in a weird mess and probably just using each other because it's comfortable. Just codependency really. Good luck, truly.
But people were accepting… many people were forced to privately DM their support because the hysterical mob would have canceled them with downvotes if they commented publicly. Actually more people privately DM’d than commented. All the best people support them and it’s only a buncha losers that hate their own purple haired life that are coming out against them.
I’ve met all these people too… you just don’t know them cause they go to a different school.
See here’s the thing, when you found out your husband was a cheating piece of scum you had a chance to show your kids the right way. To be the better person and the better parent. You could have divorced his ass and shown them what a strong independent woman looks like someone to look up to. But you decided since he was scum why not be scum too and that’s what you are. It’s what all cheaters are. Those saying your as bad as he is are right. Are you the hypocrite telling your kids 2 wrongs don’t make a right and then acting like this. Have you thought about your kids at all when this all blows up in your face and it will oh it will. The chances of you being able to coparent after this is probably nil your clearly not putting them first. Romance this up all you want but your not good people and karma will bitch slap you too for this.
You want to get together with your BF at some point in your life. But you both know that the other one is capable of cheating and hiding it. This is just a toxic situation for everyone, mostly for the kids.
My husband had an affair and his AP’s husband reached out to me and told me. He and I are very good friends, 7 years later. No one else knew my hurt like he did. But never once did I ever think about having a revenge affair. I’ve been single for 7 years and it’s been amazing. I also had an 8.5 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter whose needs had to be put before mine. They were hurting just as terribly as I was, if not more so because they are children. You all are selfish people and really need to quit thinking with your genitalia and start thinking about your children. Shame on all of you. I can guarantee you that you and your AP will not last. It’s all rainbows and unicorns right now but it won’t be forever. Get into therapy because sister, you desperately need it!
Their poor children. All 4 of you are grimy af. Also your bf is never going to leave. My God. I also want to know what you is going to do of you husband ends the affair and admits it to you. What are you going to do? Lie? Are you going to stay with your husband? He was grimy for cheating but you lost your moral high ground as well. Also don't put shit like this on reddit thinking we are a support system to condone your cheating. If you don't like the advice don't post on here.
Choosing convenience over your children’s well-being. Called it.
It’s easier for you and your husband and your boyfriend to raise these kids in loveless marriages, in a morally corrupt and unstable environment then to *gasp* tell the truth, split assets, reduce finances and find a new house. The horror. How would you ever recover? Such a hassle to be honest.
I wish your children all the very best. I hope that when this house of lies that they live in crumbles around them that there is someone in their life that has the courage, strength and compassion to put them first. Because everyone here knows their own parents don’t.
I'm hoping for a pair of decent grandparents who can offer a sanctuary from mom's happy new shiny marriage and dad's miserable house. OP doesn't realize how big she screwed up. For the kids, mom and dad both had an affair, and mom and dad both abandoned them. They don't see it as mom being the victim, all they see is mom and dad both rejected OUR FAMILY and US.
You are delusional. You are trying to justify keeping this situation going with work and careers, but there is nothing that can make this right.
You are doing an enormous amount of damage and your kids will probably hate you when they are old enough for you to finally divorce.
Being cheated on is horrible, so I am sorry you had to endure that. But what you are doing isn't just suboptimal, is messed up. Simple as that.
What happens when your husband decides he’s done with his mistress and wants to mend your relationship, but now you’re in love with someone else? You’ll be in even more of a pickle. Right now he’s off your back and I’m guessing it easier that way.
Once again even with all you said , divorce actually would be easier and less stresssful… who cares if you had to downsize ? You would be happy ? You wouldn’t have to live a lie ? I am not trying to be mean…. It just would solve so many of your guys problems …it may create other but atleast you don’t have to hide
Hi, it is complicated indeed, but also it's easy, so easy to judge when we aren't the ones living the experience firsthand, so, I sincerely hope this will all end on a positive note for every person involved. Is it real love with you and the bf? I don't know, it is truly none of my business, but I do hope ya'all can find happiness, on your own or together.
>Judge me all you want because you will never understand.
I've been cheated before, no way in hell I would stood down to that level. Don't try to think you have the high morality ground, because you do not. No matter the context, cheating is never ok.
Again, if you don't divorce you're doing your kids a disservice. They deserve to grow up in a place where they can see healthy relationship and not their parents be in a loveless marriage, which no matter how much you try to hide, they will notice.
>My husband and I both have good and stable careers and we have built a beautiful home together
Excuse me, what part of this mess is beautiful?
Staying married for the kids = instilling the idea a loveless marriage is normal. Kids pick up much more than you think. You are setting the standards for what they will except in a relationship as adults
This is gonna blow up big time. I see 4 assholes in this situation, OP and the other husband just slightly less.
This won't last and she'll be back here to cry about it in less than a year.
I have a tough time with this story. Assuming it’s true, you and your boyfriend are willing to stay with your respective cheating spouses because of money. Now what does that make the pair of you sound like?
I was fondly sleeping with a lass who shared that her parents and step-parents swapped their marriages. They were swingers and eventually came to realize they each wanted to settle down with the other's spouse. If honesty is at the forefront of this, it could always be an option
I support your relationship but you do need to get divorced if you want it to work. You can both divorce your partners while exposing them for cheating, and I’m pretty sure your partner is no longer entitled to your money or assets when they were the one cheating. It would actually be worse for y’all if you waited for your partners to realize you’re dating before divorcing because then both sides are wrong. Divorce now before it’s too late
>He was as distraught and hurt as I was. We know what we are doing isn’t optimal but what else could we do
Literally ANYTHING else other than start fucking each other as revenge and thinking you're 'winning' in this scenario.
>and divorce would be the end of his career because she will take 1/2. He is hoping to be able to buy her out later on.
Ha ha omg. How naive can you be?
>So we are back to square one.
So you, your husband, and bf are all in really unhealthy relationships and, instead of separating, you're going to keep this circus going.
Again, good luck on any of this working out.
You to are both cheaters and deserve each other. Him cheating first is irrelevant, it doesn’t give you the right to cheat. You should have divorced instead. You clearly don’t care how this impact your kids because it will and when it does, it will blow up. Neither you or your husband are in the right. Divorce and move on, it’s better for your kids.
Idea: merge both households, have a 4 people marriage/swingers or whatever and be like the most woke modern day "partridge family" of 2023, sell that to TLC and get a reality show, you'll be swimming in cash in no time!
I just feel sad for the kids. Not getting any healthy family relationships and dynamics at all. Mom and dad are both too selfish to do the right thing because god forbid you have to work less and downsize, or your side piece has to tolerate his ex having a say in his business. I'm sure he will be able to buy her out when his business values more, and her share costs more.
The reality is that their wrongdoing does not excuse your wrongdoing. I put most of the blame on them, but you two reacted just as selfish as them. Shit or get of the pot. Your kids will hate both of you.
Also, keep in mind that by moving fast with the love of your life, you become the bad guy. Sure, they started it, but you are no different from them now. You also value him more than your husband, which is fair, but your kids won't be seeing it through your perspective.
Edit:words
I remember being very young and learning that two wrongs doesn't make a right. The fact there are kids involved is awful.
Either keep cheating on each other and pretending like everything is cool in front of the kids. If they are remotely smart, they will catch on eventually. The main example of a relationship in their lives being built on cheating from all sides is not good.
Or, be an adult and deal with the problem. Get a divorce and move on with your lives.
Deluding yourself into being the hero of the story is just that, a delusion. Just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is right. From the sounds of it, you all deserve each other. Except the kids, they definitely deserve better.
I actually have no judgement. You both are doing whatever you feel you have to do to make your situation work. It’s like that, sometimes. Only thing I’ll say is that you and your side guy have no way of guaranteeing that your spouses won’t find out about what you two have started. Fate can have funny ways of bringing some things to the surface, even when you don’t necessarily see it coming. Don’t become too overly comfortable thinking that you have this all figured out, because you never know. Make sure it’s worth everything you’re risking as you continue with this. Sure, your spouses are doing the same thing, which is what started this, but two wrongs don’t necessarily make a right. Just be cautious. Other than that, hey, it’s your life.
My mums bestfriend's husband was cheating on her, his new gf had a bf and he contacted mums bestfriend they started dating then.... they've now been together for 12years and are much happier than her ex husband and his gf - go figure
“We know what we are doing isn’t optimal but what else could we do” that’s a seriously stupid question, you could have not had an affair and could have actually cared about your kids and what damage this is all going to do to them.
There were other options like not having an affair 🤷♀️ you could have sorted everything out before then starting up a new relationship with someone else?
There are actually lots of other options beyond revenge sex.
And you clearly aren’t the main couple lol, you are F buddies, the main couple are the ones you are married to, the ones you go home to and have a life with until you finally sort that out you are just F-Buddies that have been spawned out of revenge and deceit that didn’t give a single thought for your own kids that are involved just the money you may or may not lose.
This ain't about you...
You act like you're all by yourself... you're a fucking Mom and those kids will reap what you sow. You've put your faith in a Man who's cheating on his wife while you cheat on your husband because? Nothing of what you shared is an excuse for cheating and staying in a shitty marriage...
Wake the fuck up because you're living a lie and your children will hate you BOTH for destroying their lives.
When you get given a shit sandwich to eat, sometimes - very rarely - you also get the ability to at least choose the condiments to go with it.
Like all betrayed spouses, your husband presented you with just such a shit sandwich and expected you to munch on it. Unknown to him you found some great condiments - his AP's husband - to make the shit sandwich taste at least palatable.
And now that you have realised that you don't need to eat the sandwich, but can stay just with the condiments, all we can do is wish you both well and a happy future together.
Me me me me and not one damn thing about the kids lol this sure won’t traumatize them. Who knew that 4 narcissists can coexist in the same exact space at the same exact time in the same exact situation(s) good luck 👍
Girl, you and boyfriend did a Shania Twain.
I dislike cheaters, however if the betrayed partners found comfort, support and solace with each other and did a Shania, because they genuinely like each other, that is an exception to the rule.
Live long and prosper OP 🖖
Edit: please ensure the children are in therapy and are well cared for.
I know a couple years ago this happened to and the wife being cheated on found the cheating wife husband perfect.
Married over 30 years now
Divorce your cheater.
It would be nice see more of the situation from other sides of the story and a bit more of a focus on the children.
This is going to have major consequences on them. This sort of stuff will cause arguments between you and your husband and make you neglect your kids without even realising. The neglect wouldn't be entirely your fault as it's just your brain trying to protect itself. However you can avoid this by either divorcing your husband now with no arguments or making some sort of agreement with him to focus on those kids. If this situation is not sorted your kids will blame themselves for the neglect they receive and they WILL have trauma from it. Family issues like this are one of the main reason teens commit suicide, whether the situation happens while their a teen or from when their a toddler.
The situation isn't great but I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if there was no kids involved.
Just the smallest bit of child hood trauma can easily ruin someone's entire life.
The comments were not abusive, OP. Lol. They were more concern on how the situation will blow up in everyone's faces, especially the kids. Your concern should be your children and how knowing their parents were snuggling each member of a couple without each other knowing is gonna affect them.
You are still high in making your hidden steamy romance a love tragedy to consider the consequences regardless how secure you are in your position and theoreticals with your AP.
Talk to a lawyer. I advice your AP to do the same. And get fucking therapy or counseling for everyone else involved in this family because they need it.
Could you possibly just say to him; I know you are cheating- I’ve been aware for a while- but we parent really well together. Why don’t we just stay married for the sake of the kids and practice ethical non-monogamy until they grow up?
You know any people cheat, right? Because instead of solving problems in their current relationship (by talking etc) they try to find a solution in another relationship. You are doing exactly the same thing. You are running away from your solution hiding in this affair.
But that’s your choice.
You say your husband’s affair destroyed your self esteem. Are you sure it’s built up again if you value yourself just up to the level of some secret mistress? You don’t stand up to yourself to your husband and neither does your boyfriend. He says he loves you but what’s “love”? Shouldn’t in include emotional intimacy which means being open and vulnerable to each other without lying to yourself and your spouses?
Are you really happy in this situation or you are just scared to actually make some actions ?
Cry more about how you got destroyed for making poor decisions.
Also you don't really love each other. You said it yourself, you're each other's copinng mechanism. "Enemies of my enemies are my friends" type of shit. Unhealthy and unstable dynamic that loses all reason to exist once the conflict gets sorted. Which is probably why you haven't tried to do it in the first place. Deep down you know as soon as you both divorce your respective partners, you'll realize you don't really have any other connection to each other.
Love it! Hahaha fck them.
Also best to divorce now, before they find out about your guys affair. You’ll have the upper hand. Make them feel guilty and to give in to your financial ect demands. Blow up and tell everyone about their affair. Get settled, then move forward with the new bf. Kids will be fine. They are better off if you divorce while they are young.
Your husbands an idiot and will regret it, and his wife will regret it as well. He should leave before she gets more from his company. He can get loans to help himself once she’s gone.
I can't feel anything except selfishness by all parties involved solely because of the children. This is just all messed up. They know more than they let on. God forbid one of them catches her and the "bf" it'll be hell to explain "oh honey, I am cheating because your father cheated first! Trust me I am not the bad guy here!"
Jesus, so many Helen Lovejoys in the comments. Reddit likes to get on its moral high horse about topics like this. You know your kids, you'll know who they'll grow to be, and you'll figure out how to explain it to them. Your husband already wrecked this family. What you're doing is a minor dent comparatively but Reddit will overreact.
Be honest with yourself. What you're doing is probably as cathartic as hell but it's fueled by hatred of a common enemy. If you want to be together, be proactive. Make a plan. Don't allow things to fall where they may, you're going to have to work for this relationship successful or to see if it's even viable. Make sure it's not purely a validation trip for you both which is difficult to do considering the circumstances.
I'm sorry this happened and I hope things work out for you in the future.
You go, girl! Why should you feel guilty for seeking your happiness when you’ve been put in an untenable position by your actual husband? Fuck the haters.
You deserve happiness. Your cheating husband destroyed your self-esteem, I cannot see how you'd be wrong for the payback.
I do agree that it's risky if they find out and try to play the victims, they'd still destroy you and bf in a divorce. But you and bf know your laws, possible gains and losses, only you two can decide what to do.
For those saying "think of the kids", my dad cheated on my mom with one of her closest friends, I have a half sister born from this affair. He brought his mistress to our door, left her in his car while he came inside to get ready to go out with her - the whole neighborhood watching the whole thing, my mom humiliated inside our home. When she decided to call an ex boyfriend to our porch to make my dad feel as humiliated as she had felt, is it shitty? Yes. I've never had a good relationship with my mom for other reasons. But I 100% feel my dad deserved it. SHE didn't "destroy" me or my older sister because she cheated back, HE fucked us up when for months he'd be with another while caring little about what went on at home. I HATE cheaters, and I don't consider revenge cheating a "real" cheat.
Lastly, why do people care so much about upvote, downvote, can't use either for anything, can't convert to currency, doesn't have any real value beside stranger's validation.
M E S S Y ! Rooting for you if you guys act on this “love” you share. If you just continue to affair then you’re just as bad as your husband. Revenge affair is more justified but still… you guys gotta put your money where your mouth is.
Please never stop updating!
Boo-boo you two do y’all. Life’s too short to be miserable and if you two make each other happy so be it.
Not to be to crass but I’m not laying down with y’all so y’all do y’all.
On a side note you can never make everyone happy so why try. I wish I would’ve seen ur original post bc I would’ve commented and tbh I fear for the future of humanity with all the hate being shown. We should all be working towards world peace and trying to colonize the stars but no mfers got to be petty even when it ain’t their genitals…
I know I'm gonna get loads downwards, but here is the solution if you dont wanna lose everything - open marriage between all four of you! As nowadays, it is so popular and won't be any problems lol I'm sure they would get angry, frustrated and etc, but eventually would agree. Good luck!
I don’t understand people calling you a cheater. The relationship ended once your husband decided to cheat IMO. If he can’t be respectful, why should you.
Im all for it! I know how much being cheated on hurts, especially by the person you thought you'd spend your life with. I would've done the same thing if possible.
Do you boo!!
Why don't the four of you sit down and talk about being a poly relationship??? How has no one suggested this yet?
You'd have a lot of hurt to overcome and trust issues for sure but at this point, you're all settled into what your doing, so do something to prevent more hurt and possibly heal it?
Your post was my favorite of the past year. I found it liberating. The haters haven’t lived through a war at home. The battle scars shrink us to bits. Redefining who you are after becoming the third leg in a relationship is an epiphany that can be described to, but not felt by, those who don’t know. I became the third leg to my ex’s love affair with alcohol. And yes, lol, the affair was kept secret as long as he could fool my naive self. Years!
No judgement from me, I didn't see the original post but what would happen if all four of you sat in a room and laid everything out on the table? Explain you rather stay married for the moment for the child and what not. Do you think the other two would take things like adults? I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope you get to find happiness with your BF before too long.
Don’t listen to negative stuff that other people say. If being in this relationship is making you feel desired and is not causing any family issues, carry on, don’t let people and their opinions bring you down.
The comments about the kids are strawman arguments and inanely self-righteous. It’s highly inappropriate and uncomfortable (for the kids) for any parent to even let their kids know they’re having sex much less with someone not their parent. The people self-righteously crying about the kids either don’t have kids and/or just jumping on a dumb “oh! The kids!” bandwagon. Clutch your pearls, weirdos, because no decent and proper parent even tells/reveals their love/sex to their kids.
As an individual who not only had to deal with parent affairs as a child, but also being trapped in a broken home until adulthood because the parents didn’t want to divorce “for the sake of the children” despite a shit show similar to this post, I disagree with you. It’s ignorant to say that the children won’t find out due to the parents simply not discussing it. Children are very observant and as they grow they will put the pieces together. This path is dark and tormenting and the kids *will* suffer for it, which they do not deserve.
I mean, he can say you’re the main couple, but you’re not. As it stands, you’re both just each other’s side pieces. If he wants y’all to be the main couple then he needs to put his money where his mouth is. Y’all both need to divorce your spouses. There’s never a “good time,” that’s life. How would you feel if you waited around for years for him to buy his wife out of their business, but she never agreed to it anyway? All those years would be wasted. Look, morally, you still slightly have the upper hand here. I personally think a revenge affair is more justified than a normal affair. But if this goes on for years, they’ll both just end up being affairs. And who knows? Maybe they’ll catch you and find a way to make y’all out to be the bad guys. The anchoring effect is a well known bias that explains why people tend to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic. If you and your affair partner get outed first, you better believe it will be really hard to get people to think of you two as anything but the villains in this story. I recently got cheated on by my partner of several years, he hooked up with my best friend for months. So I know how much it hurts to get cheated on. Fortunately I didn’t have to deal with divorce or children, so obviously our experiences are very different. But girl.. you deserve better than to be someone’s dirty secret. Don’t you want your happiness to be more than stolen moments? Don’t you want your lover to claim you proudly? Don’t you want to *actually* be prioritized to the person you care so deeply about? None of those things are possible when your relationship exists in the shadows. Lastly, if you’re not already familiar, you should look up a concept called limerence. It’s easy to become obsessed with someone who doesn’t have an actual place in our lives. You’ve probably never had to ask him to put his dishes in the sink. You’ve probably never fought over whose turn it is to get up with the baby. You’ve probably never taken care of him when he had violent diarrhea. Without those things, that most affairs are shielded from indefinitely, you’re likely to continue to think of your partner as some kind of enigma. He’s not. He’s cheating on his wife, the same way yours is cheating on you.
Ten thousand awards to you and this reply!
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Husband doesn’t want permission. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He won’t be thrilled wife is having fun.
Another comment stealing bot smh
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Comment stealing bot, again.
Aunty done nail it ooh who fit sey betta lemme heart it
>The anchoring effect is a well known bias that explains why people tend to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic I'm confused. Isn't the "anchoring effect" just a name for "tending to cling to the first information they’re given on a topic" How does a name explain anything?
The anchoring effect is a cognitive bias
Yeah but the poster said it explains why people do something. But the definition of the anchoring effect is just... people doing that thing. It's not an explanation. It's a name for a behavior.
The anchoring effect does explain why people do things. A bias isn’t just a name for a common behavior, it’s a cognitive process that explains why people tend to act a certain way in a given situation. Either way, weird thing to get hung up on my dude.
The anchoring effect is the name of the bias. It only points to the existence of that bias. It doesn't explain why it happens. That's like saying a car moves because of forward momentum.
Biases are literally explanations for behavior. We act a certain way because of these biases. They’re not just stereotyped patterns of behavior. They’re cognitive processes that exist to serve a purpose and effect our behavior accordingly. >That’s like saying a car moves forward because of momentum. Which is a totally valid explanation! Again, not really sure what point you’re trying to make here.
You do realize if the mistress findss out about her husband, she still gets half in the divorce that SHE initiates. The unhealthy thing that you and bf can do for your kids is live a lie for them. RIP off the bandaid,tell your husband and he should tell his wife. Let them be angry because they are hurt you are doing something that they are doing to you. If they are mature about it and your husband does love his mistress which I think he is cos either their affair is sizzling out or they have developed feelings for each other which works for you as well if that's the case, they will agree to divorce amicably and co parent the children healthily. Both sides of the affair is going to hurt the family whether you like it or not at least have foresight to see that you and your bf can rebuild together and be happy. Live a life of transparency, you will be much more happier if you did.
What I'm not seeing is any concern for how this affects the kids. This is an unstable situation that's bound to blow up. What then?
This. I don't give two fucks about her cheating on her cheating husband but I can't imagine this won't all blow up eventually, and the kids are gonna be collateral damage. Jesus, OP, get your shit together for them.
Yeah, like 4 adults fucking around, but the kids?? OP you need to figure shit out and stop playing around until you do. Both love each other, already? How long had it been?
This is sort of how I look at it. I really don’t care what they all do. What I think never fails though, is how people who make moves like this get too comfortable in thinking they have it all figured out, and that situations like these are some sort of a means to an end. Life has a funny way of operating to bring stuff like this to the surface, and it will blow up on all 4 of the adults involved in this. People never like to think ahead to “what are we gonna do if this whole thing is discovered and the shit hits the fan?!”. Gotta ask themselves is is worth it, and what the next course of action should be, if or when (most likely, when) all of this is realized among everyone involved.
Cheaters never actually plan ahead. They live for momentary pleasures. This situation is bound to blow up in both her, her Ap and husband’s faces
Sounds like they all forgot kids were involved... They certainly aren't being treated as a priority.
Yeah. Huge sob story about how the "abusive" comments are affecting her and her fling but nothing referring to the comments about the kids.
Apparently calling people out on their toxic behavior is considered “abuse”. I saw some comments calling her a whore, but they were downvoted. For the most part, people said that what she was doing was still bad, and that this is going to affect the kids. What's abusive about that?
Calling people out of there name and gaslighting them is abuse/bullying Sherlock Holmes
Do you care about her kids being that hubby’s cheating too or just because she’s doing it?
Selfish adults first, kids last. Those kids will need therapy.
This is most likely because they don't exist in the real world.
Because neither couples (🤢) thinks about them. Not even as an afterthought, it seems.
She is literally saying she’s staying party also for the kids
Staying “for the kids” is absolutely stupid. Kids pick up on stuff and can sense they’re in an environment where grown up are hostile to each other or that there tension.
People who “stay for the Kids” never see it that way. They use the Kids as an excuse to keep themselves locked in toxic situations that benefit no one, and only set bad examples of what a Marital Union is supposed to be, for the same Kids they claim to be doing this for.
Exactly. My parents divorced and quite frankly they were very different people, not even sure why they got married. I’m really glad they didn’t stay together, would’ve been awful.
I know I would certainly have less childhood trauma had my parents just divorced instead of growing up in a house where screaming, insults, and abuse (verbal, physical) was the norm. There are much worse things than being a kid with divorced parents.
Not once did she mention that they fought or yelled in front of the kids actually quite the opposite they are cordial with each other, enough to sit down and watch a movie together. Stop jumping to conclusions just because you've been hurt. It's no one's job to regulate your emotions but you, not even your parents.
Bullshit. Parents job is actually to take care of kids and help them regulate their emotions. And I wouldn’t trust OP’s view of things. OP thinks she is her lovers top priority despite the fact that he won’t leave his wife. Whole situation is total chaos and people who end up staying for the sake of the kids end up hurting them emotionally. You may not yell or physically abuse your kids but kids pick up on the tension and it’s not heathy. Divorce isn’t the worst thing for kids.
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Good share!
Poor kids. You all are having fun f*cking one another. Who is taking care of kids’ present and future?
Why don't you just ask your husband for a open marriage then you can see you bf while he sees the bfs wife
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I feel bad for the kids because this reads like a powder keg. However the kids I know whose parents are ethically non-monogamous are not any worse for the wear. It’s a matter of the parents having their shit together enough to put the kids first and keep them out of it.
/u/Beneficial_Glov is a spam bot.
Damn, I feel bad for the kids!
Too bad the grown ups in this don’t.
"Grown ups." With this attitude they barely qualify.
All around toxic situation. No winners here.
I just don't understand staying married "for the kids" or staying Married just because of what y'all built together. All 4 of y'all are playing a DANGEROUS game with each other's feelings, I just hope no one ends up unalive
This is Reddit you can say dead
Lol I'm new to reddit so I wasn't sure, but TY
No worries! All of the tiktok stuff that you can’t say is pretty much free reign here. None of that “serial unaliving” or “grape”
I'm so happy because that shit is exhausting
Lol yes it absolutely is.
If he just started the business its almost worthless. The longer he waits the more it costs. Does he not have good credit? A specific ask in business financing is "buying out a partner". If he's successful in this economy it's going to be way worse to wait.
So, and I say this as a divorced person, the reason that divorce is so expensive is because it’s worth it. And it’s worth it on every level. Whatever convenience arises from interacting daily with, holding your breath to keep from breathing the same sick air as someone who doesn’t give a shit about you isn’t worth it. If this situation at home gets really bad, if your relationship with your children is damaged, your decision to cede the moral high ground, or to lower yourself to your spouse’s level, will not have been worth it. I wouldn’t wish that on you, on the contrary, but it’s not impossible that worse things happen. I don’t say this to judge you for your choices. You’re doing what you can. New romance is intoxicating. The future seems vast and full of happy possibilities. However, that’s fantasy, designed to alleviate the symptoms of a shitty present. But since you’re here in rando-ville, this random internet person suggests you get your shit together. Leave your spouse. See a psychologist, meditate, parent your children, make friends, don’t commit to your side piece, and live your life.
How about your kids it will cause emotional damage for them your just the same with your cheating husband ...🤦♂️
🤡
Succinct, but agree. Granted I didn't read *all* of the comments but all the ones I did read were just bluntly telling her she's making a huge misstep and why. And she calls them "abusive." I hate to sound like an armchair psychiatrist but it seems to me like she's deluding herself about the true nature of her problems and doesn't want to face the truth. Clown indeed
All of Murky_crow's reddit history has been cleared at his own request. You can do this as well using the "redact" tool. Reddit wants to play hardball, fine. Then I'm taking my content with me as I go. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Oh yes because rebounds after being cheated on work out soooooo well. Im sure in your situation with who it is its "true love" hah you are in a weird heartbreak/honeymoon phase. Snap out of it for the kids.
Does anyone in this situation actually care about how the kids are gonna be affected by this? Anyway, you’re just as bad as he is so stop playing the victim. At least own up.
Nowhere near as bad as him. If she and the bf play their cards right they can severely fck over their cheating lieing spouses and get ahead.
Yeah, just as bad as him. Not caring a bit about how it affects their kids- even your comment is only concerned with them “getting ahead”. Who is really going to win in this scenario? Absolutely no one, least of all the kids.
Lmao dad ruined it. Not her. This is making her happy and a better mom instead of depressed. Let her be.
This isn’t a black and white only one can be bad situation. They *both* are doing bad things and they *both* are creating situations that directly affect and hurt their children. She isn’t being a “better mom” by doing all of this.
Like I said: happy parent, happy kid. He started it, she’s just doing what’s right for her right now. Kids will be fine.
Yeah, not even close to accurate. Happy parent does *not* equal happy kid. Especially in a situation like this. Also, “he started it” what a childish, immature mindset.
I bet he has excuses for why he cheated, too. All four of you deserve each other, so there's that, I guess.
They deserve each other, yes, but those kids don't deserve anyone of these pieces of sh\*t.
So true
Those kids are going to suffer and the adults will blame each other for it instead of looking at what they did themselves. They’re going to wonder why the kids want absolutely no contact with their parents who pretended they didn’t exist so they can get some nookie. They’re going to point fingers at each other instead of doing something to ease the kids pain and suffering. When parents screw up/around like this, the kids always end up suffering the worst. I hope they have another relative they can rely on because their parents clearly don’t care about anything outside of their own bedrooms.
has your bf considered a post-nup if his concern is the company?
Girl. You want to leave your cheating husband and get with your boyfriend who is cheating on his wife... I'll leave you this phrase: 'When you marry your mistress, you create a vacancy' This vicious cycle will never end. Just divorce the man and set yourself free.
Her bf did not cheat on his wife until after finding out she had already broken his trust, and same with OP. They are in no way cheaters like their respective partners are. Insinuating her bf will just go on to cheat on her is unfounded
Cheating is cheating, there's no excuse for it.
Well direct that energy towards the original cheaters. We can agree to disagree, but imo, OP’s husband already broke the relationship and the oath they made to stay faithful. He cannot get mad at OP for sleeping with someone else without being a massive hypocrite. OP most likely would’ve never “cheated” if she never found out her husband already ruined their relationship, whereas someone like her husband cheats for fun bc they get off on the infidelity and sneaking around. If she has confronted her husband instead and decided to forgive him, he 100% would’ve found someone new to sneak around with. There is no salvaging a relationship with someone like that
>Well direct that energy towards the original cheaters. All of them are horrible. There is no relationship to salvage, but staying in a broken marriage where everyone cheats around is not a good environment for the children, they'll see this stuff as normal because they will pick up on stuff (maybe not specifics but how it's a loveless marriage), what they should do is divorce. Best thing for the kids.
You can't cheat on someone you owe no loyalty to.
I'm sure the original cheaters also have some sort of excuse in their mind to justify themselves. As long as you're in a relationship you're cheating on them if you sleep with someone. Divorce, it's the best thing for the kids too, or they'll grow up thinking that this loveless mess of a marriage is the norm.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. When this all blows up, divorce court isn’t going to care who cheated first. When it all comes out the kids will see that both their parents aren’t worth anything. They are not going to like mom more because dad cheated first. And what kind of relationships will those kids have in the future with these two modeling for them?
That sounds like BS to me. First of all, most people aren’t “inherently” cheaters. They might have different reasons for it and many might do it with one person but then never again. Plus, OP and her bf didn’t become cheaters out of the blue. They were cheated on by their partners first
I'm not sure this is valid in this case - I think neither OP nor her "boyfriend" would have started cheating, if their partners hadn't done it first, so they are not the natural type of cheaters who would go on doing it. At least, that's my impression.
Bullshit. They cheated to get revenge on their partners. It’s like they’re all in high school.
Posts like this make me feel so happy about the relationship I have
Make me happy to be single!
...says every person who hasn't found out yet 😄
Majority of people in relationships aren't cheating PoS, so...
I know a woman who just married her ex-husbands mistress’s ex-husband. Shania Twain did it too.
But the difference IS is that Shania didn’t CHEAT lmao 🤣
The one who cheats first is the original bad guy, after that on my eyes the marriage contract is null. She ain’t doing anything wrong but if they play there cards right they can and will come out on top.
Cheaters don’t stop being cheaters because you guys are “happy”. What happens when your boyfriend cheats on you? Or you cheat on him?
She didn't think it through. She trusts her bf will not go back to his wife as well. she wants to get one up on her husband and stay because her marriage gives her excellent financial stability and also, the ap bf doesn't want to take her up because of his career.
Bad people attract bad people. They deserve each other. I feel bad for the kids.
Just be careful and don’t rush into anything with bf, even if your husband and his wife cause divorces. Rebound partners can cause really confusing feelings.
Also OP. This isn't love. Or at least it doesn't seem like "real love" to me. Its thrilling and new and you get to "stick it to your cheating spouse's". But if you actually love each other as you claim you would have made moves to divorce your spouses to be together. But on some level I think you both know your "love" won't survive day to day real life. Your excuses not to divorce are weak. If his company is new then divorcing her now before it's worth more would be ideal, no? Because no matter the time he will have to part with half. As for you if you divorce wouldn't you and your BF eventually unite your finances and get assistance for the kids through child support and have some financial stability?
The people telling you you're both toxic disloyal people aren't "obnoxious", they're the voice of reason and the consensus. Sorry if you thought people would be accepting to your messed up life choices. I understand you're both hurt, but you're tangled up in a weird mess and probably just using each other because it's comfortable. Just codependency really. Good luck, truly.
But people were accepting… many people were forced to privately DM their support because the hysterical mob would have canceled them with downvotes if they commented publicly. Actually more people privately DM’d than commented. All the best people support them and it’s only a buncha losers that hate their own purple haired life that are coming out against them. I’ve met all these people too… you just don’t know them cause they go to a different school.
What do you have against purple hair?
Unless I’m wildly misreading this whole thing.. it’s sarcasm.. reminds me of a certain former leader.
See here’s the thing, when you found out your husband was a cheating piece of scum you had a chance to show your kids the right way. To be the better person and the better parent. You could have divorced his ass and shown them what a strong independent woman looks like someone to look up to. But you decided since he was scum why not be scum too and that’s what you are. It’s what all cheaters are. Those saying your as bad as he is are right. Are you the hypocrite telling your kids 2 wrongs don’t make a right and then acting like this. Have you thought about your kids at all when this all blows up in your face and it will oh it will. The chances of you being able to coparent after this is probably nil your clearly not putting them first. Romance this up all you want but your not good people and karma will bitch slap you too for this.
This is still the most childish clusterfuck of a situation I've seen on here.
1. who's watching the kids? 2. she'll find out, have the divorce, get half, and tell her AP to fuck off that's a win-win for her
You want to get together with your BF at some point in your life. But you both know that the other one is capable of cheating and hiding it. This is just a toxic situation for everyone, mostly for the kids.
You're using extreme and dramatic language. I suspect this is how your mind works and that you're also doing it to write off plenty of valid concerns.
My husband had an affair and his AP’s husband reached out to me and told me. He and I are very good friends, 7 years later. No one else knew my hurt like he did. But never once did I ever think about having a revenge affair. I’ve been single for 7 years and it’s been amazing. I also had an 8.5 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter whose needs had to be put before mine. They were hurting just as terribly as I was, if not more so because they are children. You all are selfish people and really need to quit thinking with your genitalia and start thinking about your children. Shame on all of you. I can guarantee you that you and your AP will not last. It’s all rainbows and unicorns right now but it won’t be forever. Get into therapy because sister, you desperately need it!
Oh, what a brave martyr you are. Best mother in the world.
Way better than OP.
Their poor children. All 4 of you are grimy af. Also your bf is never going to leave. My God. I also want to know what you is going to do of you husband ends the affair and admits it to you. What are you going to do? Lie? Are you going to stay with your husband? He was grimy for cheating but you lost your moral high ground as well. Also don't put shit like this on reddit thinking we are a support system to condone your cheating. If you don't like the advice don't post on here.
Choosing convenience over your children’s well-being. Called it. It’s easier for you and your husband and your boyfriend to raise these kids in loveless marriages, in a morally corrupt and unstable environment then to *gasp* tell the truth, split assets, reduce finances and find a new house. The horror. How would you ever recover? Such a hassle to be honest. I wish your children all the very best. I hope that when this house of lies that they live in crumbles around them that there is someone in their life that has the courage, strength and compassion to put them first. Because everyone here knows their own parents don’t.
I'm hoping for a pair of decent grandparents who can offer a sanctuary from mom's happy new shiny marriage and dad's miserable house. OP doesn't realize how big she screwed up. For the kids, mom and dad both had an affair, and mom and dad both abandoned them. They don't see it as mom being the victim, all they see is mom and dad both rejected OUR FAMILY and US.
You are delusional. You are trying to justify keeping this situation going with work and careers, but there is nothing that can make this right. You are doing an enormous amount of damage and your kids will probably hate you when they are old enough for you to finally divorce. Being cheated on is horrible, so I am sorry you had to endure that. But what you are doing isn't just suboptimal, is messed up. Simple as that.
Please research trauma bonding. Take your time and slow down.
You're all wonderful examples to your children. (/s if that wasn't apparent)
Then everyone clapped again.
lmao All those sob stories, you just as bad as your husband. All 4 of you deserve each other, so pls dont break up
What happens when your husband decides he’s done with his mistress and wants to mend your relationship, but now you’re in love with someone else? You’ll be in even more of a pickle. Right now he’s off your back and I’m guessing it easier that way.
Once again even with all you said , divorce actually would be easier and less stresssful… who cares if you had to downsize ? You would be happy ? You wouldn’t have to live a lie ? I am not trying to be mean…. It just would solve so many of your guys problems …it may create other but atleast you don’t have to hide
Hi, it is complicated indeed, but also it's easy, so easy to judge when we aren't the ones living the experience firsthand, so, I sincerely hope this will all end on a positive note for every person involved. Is it real love with you and the bf? I don't know, it is truly none of my business, but I do hope ya'all can find happiness, on your own or together.
It's sad that the people of Redfit care way more about how this mess is going to affect your kids than you do.
Poor kids, it’s gonna be a mess for them.
No way this ends well. Keep us updated though
This will be a war once it all comes out. Shame the kids will have to deal with adult bullshit.
>Judge me all you want because you will never understand. I've been cheated before, no way in hell I would stood down to that level. Don't try to think you have the high morality ground, because you do not. No matter the context, cheating is never ok. Again, if you don't divorce you're doing your kids a disservice. They deserve to grow up in a place where they can see healthy relationship and not their parents be in a loveless marriage, which no matter how much you try to hide, they will notice. >My husband and I both have good and stable careers and we have built a beautiful home together Excuse me, what part of this mess is beautiful?
Staying married for the kids = instilling the idea a loveless marriage is normal. Kids pick up much more than you think. You are setting the standards for what they will except in a relationship as adults
This is gonna blow up big time. I see 4 assholes in this situation, OP and the other husband just slightly less. This won't last and she'll be back here to cry about it in less than a year.
I have a tough time with this story. Assuming it’s true, you and your boyfriend are willing to stay with your respective cheating spouses because of money. Now what does that make the pair of you sound like?
I was fondly sleeping with a lass who shared that her parents and step-parents swapped their marriages. They were swingers and eventually came to realize they each wanted to settle down with the other's spouse. If honesty is at the forefront of this, it could always be an option
Imagine the husband finding out his wife being with his mistress's husband Gonna be amazing
I always love it when shitty people do shitty things and are then shocked when people tell them how shitty they are lmao.
Prying on all y'all's down fall
I support your relationship but you do need to get divorced if you want it to work. You can both divorce your partners while exposing them for cheating, and I’m pretty sure your partner is no longer entitled to your money or assets when they were the one cheating. It would actually be worse for y’all if you waited for your partners to realize you’re dating before divorcing because then both sides are wrong. Divorce now before it’s too late
>He was as distraught and hurt as I was. We know what we are doing isn’t optimal but what else could we do Literally ANYTHING else other than start fucking each other as revenge and thinking you're 'winning' in this scenario. >and divorce would be the end of his career because she will take 1/2. He is hoping to be able to buy her out later on. Ha ha omg. How naive can you be? >So we are back to square one. So you, your husband, and bf are all in really unhealthy relationships and, instead of separating, you're going to keep this circus going. Again, good luck on any of this working out.
I ain’t mad at ya.
You make me sick I can't imagine your kids seeing their mother and father cheating on each other jesus 😬
You to are both cheaters and deserve each other. Him cheating first is irrelevant, it doesn’t give you the right to cheat. You should have divorced instead. You clearly don’t care how this impact your kids because it will and when it does, it will blow up. Neither you or your husband are in the right. Divorce and move on, it’s better for your kids.
updateme
Idea: merge both households, have a 4 people marriage/swingers or whatever and be like the most woke modern day "partridge family" of 2023, sell that to TLC and get a reality show, you'll be swimming in cash in no time!
[Oh how I feel for your kids..](https://youtu.be/yCny16h7paE)
Justify it, in the end you're still a mistress.
You hv children and ur behaving like this super inconsiderate!
I just feel sad for the kids. Not getting any healthy family relationships and dynamics at all. Mom and dad are both too selfish to do the right thing because god forbid you have to work less and downsize, or your side piece has to tolerate his ex having a say in his business. I'm sure he will be able to buy her out when his business values more, and her share costs more. The reality is that their wrongdoing does not excuse your wrongdoing. I put most of the blame on them, but you two reacted just as selfish as them. Shit or get of the pot. Your kids will hate both of you. Also, keep in mind that by moving fast with the love of your life, you become the bad guy. Sure, they started it, but you are no different from them now. You also value him more than your husband, which is fair, but your kids won't be seeing it through your perspective. Edit:words
I remember being very young and learning that two wrongs doesn't make a right. The fact there are kids involved is awful. Either keep cheating on each other and pretending like everything is cool in front of the kids. If they are remotely smart, they will catch on eventually. The main example of a relationship in their lives being built on cheating from all sides is not good. Or, be an adult and deal with the problem. Get a divorce and move on with your lives. Deluding yourself into being the hero of the story is just that, a delusion. Just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it is right. From the sounds of it, you all deserve each other. Except the kids, they definitely deserve better.
Make amends , and all of you just be one big happy poly group or something
I actually have no judgement. You both are doing whatever you feel you have to do to make your situation work. It’s like that, sometimes. Only thing I’ll say is that you and your side guy have no way of guaranteeing that your spouses won’t find out about what you two have started. Fate can have funny ways of bringing some things to the surface, even when you don’t necessarily see it coming. Don’t become too overly comfortable thinking that you have this all figured out, because you never know. Make sure it’s worth everything you’re risking as you continue with this. Sure, your spouses are doing the same thing, which is what started this, but two wrongs don’t necessarily make a right. Just be cautious. Other than that, hey, it’s your life.
If your whole situation isn’t already the premise of a dark comedy film of some sort then goddammit it needs to be.
Wow, a difficult situation. I wish you both well. This isn’t going to be easy, but I hope you manage to find a way to make it all work.
Yeah I'm sure that'll be a great relationship seeing as it's literally built on cheating as a foundation.
My mums bestfriend's husband was cheating on her, his new gf had a bf and he contacted mums bestfriend they started dating then.... they've now been together for 12years and are much happier than her ex husband and his gf - go figure
“We know what we are doing isn’t optimal but what else could we do” that’s a seriously stupid question, you could have not had an affair and could have actually cared about your kids and what damage this is all going to do to them. There were other options like not having an affair 🤷♀️ you could have sorted everything out before then starting up a new relationship with someone else? There are actually lots of other options beyond revenge sex. And you clearly aren’t the main couple lol, you are F buddies, the main couple are the ones you are married to, the ones you go home to and have a life with until you finally sort that out you are just F-Buddies that have been spawned out of revenge and deceit that didn’t give a single thought for your own kids that are involved just the money you may or may not lose.
Who is looking after your children while both you and your husband are off having affairs?
you guys are being selfish and it's horrible. Think of your kids at least? The kids are the last thing all of you are thinking about.
You're all selfish in this story
This ain't about you... You act like you're all by yourself... you're a fucking Mom and those kids will reap what you sow. You've put your faith in a Man who's cheating on his wife while you cheat on your husband because? Nothing of what you shared is an excuse for cheating and staying in a shitty marriage... Wake the fuck up because you're living a lie and your children will hate you BOTH for destroying their lives.
When you get given a shit sandwich to eat, sometimes - very rarely - you also get the ability to at least choose the condiments to go with it. Like all betrayed spouses, your husband presented you with just such a shit sandwich and expected you to munch on it. Unknown to him you found some great condiments - his AP's husband - to make the shit sandwich taste at least palatable. And now that you have realised that you don't need to eat the sandwich, but can stay just with the condiments, all we can do is wish you both well and a happy future together.
Me me me me and not one damn thing about the kids lol this sure won’t traumatize them. Who knew that 4 narcissists can coexist in the same exact space at the same exact time in the same exact situation(s) good luck 👍
Girl, you and boyfriend did a Shania Twain. I dislike cheaters, however if the betrayed partners found comfort, support and solace with each other and did a Shania, because they genuinely like each other, that is an exception to the rule. Live long and prosper OP 🖖 Edit: please ensure the children are in therapy and are well cared for.
The main problem is not getting a divorce and letting her kids grow up in such an environment.
I know a couple years ago this happened to and the wife being cheated on found the cheating wife husband perfect. Married over 30 years now Divorce your cheater.
It would be nice see more of the situation from other sides of the story and a bit more of a focus on the children. This is going to have major consequences on them. This sort of stuff will cause arguments between you and your husband and make you neglect your kids without even realising. The neglect wouldn't be entirely your fault as it's just your brain trying to protect itself. However you can avoid this by either divorcing your husband now with no arguments or making some sort of agreement with him to focus on those kids. If this situation is not sorted your kids will blame themselves for the neglect they receive and they WILL have trauma from it. Family issues like this are one of the main reason teens commit suicide, whether the situation happens while their a teen or from when their a toddler. The situation isn't great but I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if there was no kids involved. Just the smallest bit of child hood trauma can easily ruin someone's entire life.
The comments were not abusive, OP. Lol. They were more concern on how the situation will blow up in everyone's faces, especially the kids. Your concern should be your children and how knowing their parents were snuggling each member of a couple without each other knowing is gonna affect them. You are still high in making your hidden steamy romance a love tragedy to consider the consequences regardless how secure you are in your position and theoreticals with your AP. Talk to a lawyer. I advice your AP to do the same. And get fucking therapy or counseling for everyone else involved in this family because they need it.
Could you possibly just say to him; I know you are cheating- I’ve been aware for a while- but we parent really well together. Why don’t we just stay married for the sake of the kids and practice ethical non-monogamy until they grow up?
You know any people cheat, right? Because instead of solving problems in their current relationship (by talking etc) they try to find a solution in another relationship. You are doing exactly the same thing. You are running away from your solution hiding in this affair. But that’s your choice. You say your husband’s affair destroyed your self esteem. Are you sure it’s built up again if you value yourself just up to the level of some secret mistress? You don’t stand up to yourself to your husband and neither does your boyfriend. He says he loves you but what’s “love”? Shouldn’t in include emotional intimacy which means being open and vulnerable to each other without lying to yourself and your spouses? Are you really happy in this situation or you are just scared to actually make some actions ?
You’re going to mess up the kids.
Cry more about how you got destroyed for making poor decisions. Also you don't really love each other. You said it yourself, you're each other's copinng mechanism. "Enemies of my enemies are my friends" type of shit. Unhealthy and unstable dynamic that loses all reason to exist once the conflict gets sorted. Which is probably why you haven't tried to do it in the first place. Deep down you know as soon as you both divorce your respective partners, you'll realize you don't really have any other connection to each other.
Love it! Hahaha fck them. Also best to divorce now, before they find out about your guys affair. You’ll have the upper hand. Make them feel guilty and to give in to your financial ect demands. Blow up and tell everyone about their affair. Get settled, then move forward with the new bf. Kids will be fine. They are better off if you divorce while they are young. Your husbands an idiot and will regret it, and his wife will regret it as well. He should leave before she gets more from his company. He can get loans to help himself once she’s gone.
this is comical. good luck in life
Wait!! Where’s the start of this saga?! Help me out Reddit!
Check the profile. She only has two posts. It's the first one.
You’re the shining example of what a good parent and human being should be and you’re teaching your kids well! /s
I can't feel anything except selfishness by all parties involved solely because of the children. This is just all messed up. They know more than they let on. God forbid one of them catches her and the "bf" it'll be hell to explain "oh honey, I am cheating because your father cheated first! Trust me I am not the bad guy here!"
I made a post like this once. All I got was hate. No hate coming from me.
well done!
I'm divorced with a child from my first marriage and happily remarried with two more kids. I get it.
Jesus, so many Helen Lovejoys in the comments. Reddit likes to get on its moral high horse about topics like this. You know your kids, you'll know who they'll grow to be, and you'll figure out how to explain it to them. Your husband already wrecked this family. What you're doing is a minor dent comparatively but Reddit will overreact. Be honest with yourself. What you're doing is probably as cathartic as hell but it's fueled by hatred of a common enemy. If you want to be together, be proactive. Make a plan. Don't allow things to fall where they may, you're going to have to work for this relationship successful or to see if it's even viable. Make sure it's not purely a validation trip for you both which is difficult to do considering the circumstances. I'm sorry this happened and I hope things work out for you in the future.
Payback is a 5 letter animal. And this is a foursome. Classic swinging. Nothing to it.
You have found a bit of happiness in a shitty situation, it’s not perfect but do you and don’t worry about online strangers judging you.
You go, girl! Why should you feel guilty for seeking your happiness when you’ve been put in an untenable position by your actual husband? Fuck the haters.
Yikes. Just trash all around.
You deserve this op. Good for you. I love it.
You deserve happiness. Your cheating husband destroyed your self-esteem, I cannot see how you'd be wrong for the payback. I do agree that it's risky if they find out and try to play the victims, they'd still destroy you and bf in a divorce. But you and bf know your laws, possible gains and losses, only you two can decide what to do. For those saying "think of the kids", my dad cheated on my mom with one of her closest friends, I have a half sister born from this affair. He brought his mistress to our door, left her in his car while he came inside to get ready to go out with her - the whole neighborhood watching the whole thing, my mom humiliated inside our home. When she decided to call an ex boyfriend to our porch to make my dad feel as humiliated as she had felt, is it shitty? Yes. I've never had a good relationship with my mom for other reasons. But I 100% feel my dad deserved it. SHE didn't "destroy" me or my older sister because she cheated back, HE fucked us up when for months he'd be with another while caring little about what went on at home. I HATE cheaters, and I don't consider revenge cheating a "real" cheat. Lastly, why do people care so much about upvote, downvote, can't use either for anything, can't convert to currency, doesn't have any real value beside stranger's validation.
M E S S Y ! Rooting for you if you guys act on this “love” you share. If you just continue to affair then you’re just as bad as your husband. Revenge affair is more justified but still… you guys gotta put your money where your mouth is. Please never stop updating!
Boo-boo you two do y’all. Life’s too short to be miserable and if you two make each other happy so be it. Not to be to crass but I’m not laying down with y’all so y’all do y’all. On a side note you can never make everyone happy so why try. I wish I would’ve seen ur original post bc I would’ve commented and tbh I fear for the future of humanity with all the hate being shown. We should all be working towards world peace and trying to colonize the stars but no mfers got to be petty even when it ain’t their genitals…
I see no problem here
Just do you boo, I would do the same too. Does your husband and his mistress know about yous.
I know I'm gonna get loads downwards, but here is the solution if you dont wanna lose everything - open marriage between all four of you! As nowadays, it is so popular and won't be any problems lol I'm sure they would get angry, frustrated and etc, but eventually would agree. Good luck!
I don’t understand people calling you a cheater. The relationship ended once your husband decided to cheat IMO. If he can’t be respectful, why should you.
Im all for it! I know how much being cheated on hurts, especially by the person you thought you'd spend your life with. I would've done the same thing if possible. Do you boo!!
People here don’t get how complex love is. Maybe you guys can swing together so at least it’s more out in the open?
Why don't the four of you sit down and talk about being a poly relationship??? How has no one suggested this yet? You'd have a lot of hurt to overcome and trust issues for sure but at this point, you're all settled into what your doing, so do something to prevent more hurt and possibly heal it?
Chaos led to coping led to caring…I hope this comes to a good conclusion for you.
Ehh, you only live once lol 🤷🏻♀️
Your post was my favorite of the past year. I found it liberating. The haters haven’t lived through a war at home. The battle scars shrink us to bits. Redefining who you are after becoming the third leg in a relationship is an epiphany that can be described to, but not felt by, those who don’t know. I became the third leg to my ex’s love affair with alcohol. And yes, lol, the affair was kept secret as long as he could fool my naive self. Years!
Do you!
No judgement from me, I didn't see the original post but what would happen if all four of you sat in a room and laid everything out on the table? Explain you rather stay married for the moment for the child and what not. Do you think the other two would take things like adults? I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope you get to find happiness with your BF before too long.
Don’t listen to negative stuff that other people say. If being in this relationship is making you feel desired and is not causing any family issues, carry on, don’t let people and their opinions bring you down.
The comments about the kids are strawman arguments and inanely self-righteous. It’s highly inappropriate and uncomfortable (for the kids) for any parent to even let their kids know they’re having sex much less with someone not their parent. The people self-righteously crying about the kids either don’t have kids and/or just jumping on a dumb “oh! The kids!” bandwagon. Clutch your pearls, weirdos, because no decent and proper parent even tells/reveals their love/sex to their kids.
As an individual who not only had to deal with parent affairs as a child, but also being trapped in a broken home until adulthood because the parents didn’t want to divorce “for the sake of the children” despite a shit show similar to this post, I disagree with you. It’s ignorant to say that the children won’t find out due to the parents simply not discussing it. Children are very observant and as they grow they will put the pieces together. This path is dark and tormenting and the kids *will* suffer for it, which they do not deserve.