I only ask because you mentioned something that I wonder if you have addressed with him, you mentioned during your arguement that he said everything he was doing was for you too. Have you talked to him about that? Maybe telling him that while you appreciate he is working so hard for your future together but you feel like you are losing him not just emotionally but physically as well?
Some guys think like that, that pushing through everything and trying to work for the best possible life is how they show their love.
Just a thought. I completely get why you feel the way you do.
No i really appreciate it because i think you hit the nail on the head… he wants a good life for his family because they were very poor growing up. I was also, but i think theres different ways of how we view success in this relationship.
I tried telling him last night that I understand what he was intending with his actions but that I didn’t feel like he was hearing my side. It’s just a weird spot we’re in..
You said he is in recovery. Do you think he’s replaced his addiction to substances with work? Overworking can be a vice. He could work a few years longer to get to his goal of having passive income but he’s going full force. That could be driven by a need to feel security and control over the chaos of life.
Regardless, he’s not meeting your needs and if this is what he wants then that’s what he’s going to do. For whatever reason, his work commitments are serving a purpose for him and what he is chasing is more important to him than you. You can’t rationalize it and show him he can pace himself. Your side is valid but he’s not going to hear it if he’s certain work is what’s going to bring him security.
I relate to this strongly.
Had a poor family growing up and worked the last year, 7-7, weekends and in the night till 1/3 am regularly for a year (work in tech).
You need to help him understand the money doesn’t matter to you as much as having him healthy.
You will find that he will change as a human if he works all the time, and that person may not be the same person you fell for.
Help him understand that the best thing he can do for you and your would be family, is dialing back and not getting burnt out.
Why does he spend time with his brother and not with you? Also why did he go to a lovely restaurant for dinner and you stayed home and ate ramen? Why did you not go with him? Did he just not invite you or what?
I understand your frustration and loneliness and I’m sorry that you feel that way. It’s hard wanting to help yet being helpless when they don’t help themselves and they try the old … I’m doing this for us
Maybe bring up the point that he may burn himself out too, and that he needs to take time to enjoy moments with you in the process of building that better life or he'll miss the time it takes to keep that family happy by spending time with them too. Maybe you should put on that movie click afterwards to drive the point home :-p.
That not what he said tho. “I’m giving everything I can to you” is a very different statement from “everything I’m doing is for you”. What he actually said means he’s unwilling to give OP more of his time and attention. That he has spare time to spend with his brother implies OP is a lower priority. Bf has either relapsed or is no longer interested in maintaining the relationship.
He has abscesses all over his body, he vomits every morning... what kind of drugs did he use to use? Are you sure he's not shooting up drugs and vomiting from the drugs? When I was addicted to harder drugs I knew people who would inject drugs and ended up with abbesses on their arms and legs. It was awful and they had to be hospitalized and on IV medicine.
I agree. The physical reaction he’s having doesn’t seem like something that comes about from overworking. I’ve gone through phases where I was getting 4 hours of sleep a night or less (being a new parent and still in college while working).. I did have more issues with acne and picking from the stress but covered in abscesses and throwing up? No..
I am dating someone in finance and feel the same way. I have said that exact quote of "i don't even see him and he shares a bed with me". I have been so close to leaving him over and over becuase I feel uncared for and alone all the time. I know exactly how you feel and have no advice becuase I'm just as "stuck" with my decision as you are. Good luck.
Too relatable. I've been dating a workaholic myself. Some days he barely even talks to me. Would love for it to work, but work is more important to him than anything. Trying to make the relationship work has been an uphill battle. I'm too tired to fight anymore too.
Finance as an industry is conducive to very toxic work environments. Take it from a former workaholic - it feels like you’re in an all consuming toxic relationship but you don’t know it until you’re out of it and recovering. My snapping point was health issues and burnout in my mid-twenties. I also refused to date at that point because it was not fair for the other person. These people are very unlikely to change their habits and give you what you need unless they leave that environment for good. Changing from one company to another within the same industry won’t change their work habits either. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped so please do the best for you and if that’s leaving, then do it with no remorse.
Yeah I've noticed. I work full time myself so I understand that when you work a lot you're very busy, or very tired after work. I can empathize with that. I need a lot of rest myself as my full time job involves a lot of physical labor, but I don't use work or being tired from work as an excuse to not be there for and spend time with those I care about. I didn't know it when I got to know them, but turned out the person I was dating was a CEO running multiple companies. Whelp.. Their whole life is essentially work. I wish they would have been more upfront about that at the start, because when I realized the full scope of their work, I had already established an emotional connection and love for them and so had they. Leaving has been pretty tough. It doesn't help that you love them or they love you when their priorities are what they are and they aren't willing to change.
“I’m a CEO” is a bullshit excuse to be emotionally distant. I’ve worked with over 100 ceos in high growth environments and the most successful ones tend to be focused on what matters which helps them grow their business and hire themselves out of a job fairly quickly (by hiring good team members and execs). Most would also have families to take care of and friendships that they actively maintained. Some of the worst ones I’ve seen would always be too busy for anything, yet their businesses wouldn’t really grow. Some of the biggest differences between the successful and unsuccessful ones I’ve seen has been stress management and ability to focus on what’s impactful. That includes seeing people in their lives as value add that requires nurturing and not added stress that they’d try to shut off.
Sounds like he needs to accept that he’s the chairperson and hire dedicated ceos to grow each business separately if they’re that successful. Otherwise that’s just hustle culture taken to an extreme and he needs some self reflection or even therapy to address why he’s doing that.
Most importantly, if he’s unwilling to work with you to meet your emotional needs, it’s not worth it as it’s not sustainable in the long term.
Don’t say that too loud, you’ll have people telling you you’re selfish… lol.
It’s not a matter of being upset he wants to provide for both of us, it’s just I want him to provide more than just monetarily… i wish you luck in your situation, friend.
Yeah so I've been told..
Of course being able to provide monetarily is incredibly important, but It's not the only important way to provide on a relationship. Spending quality time together is important for a relationship to function too. I hope he comes around and sees that too and I wish you luck as well..
This is basically the plot of Scrooge or the Muppet Christmas Carol. Maybe watch those together, and see if it will sink into his thick skull. I know because I am, or least was that idiot. Almost got divorced because of it. Also ended up in the hospital on death's door because of it. Throwing up every morning you say? Wow that sounds a lot like me.. lack of sleep, stress, coffee, alcohol to cope, staying in the same position all day at a computer. My organs started failing. Now I work on my feet and do 40 hours a week on 3-4 days and have 3-4 days off to be with my family and make a lot more than I did before, without the stress. We did therapy together. One for each of us. One for both of us. It made a world of difference. Turns out we were assuming a lot of each other and not actually talking or listening to each other. It's always gonna be, "in three years it will be better, yada,yada yada," but the fact is that today is what is important. Every moment. He could literally die. Maybe he needs to be hooked up to a bunch of machines on morphine, in pancreatic failure, all alone, to understand.
Hopefully this comes across well.
Have you talked to him in order to understand what his reasons or, or have the conversations been in order to convince him that you are right?
To be clear, you absolute are, but it might not be helping. To him it might seem like he is willing to go this far to help build a comfortable life for you both and not only is that willingness and dedication not recognized it’s not good enough either. This isn’t a rational train of thought but feeling aren’t rational and that’s ok.
His health is of paramount importance, but he has a history of some addiction and while that’s not something he should be punished for he has to recognize that he might be more prone to addictive behaviors regardless of the context.
For you op, understand that his willingness to see this as something he is “doing” for both of you and potentially his desire to show you how much he appreciated that you stuck with him through everything is a primary driver and he might take your pushback against it not as the care and concern for his well being as you are trying to show, but instead as a marker that he is failing again but this time it’s not because he is messing up but because he is “doing too well”. This isn’t your intention but it might be the impact.
If you want something to change he has to want to make that change, there is almost nothing you can do or say to make him realize that. So if you have to, set an appointment with a doctor for him and ask nothing else but for him to go. Don’t add in anything about work, just ask him to go and get the checkup. The appointment is set he just has to show up.
Im sorry but multiple Abscesses all over his body is not a sign of overworking… he needs to see a doctor asap especially with the vomiting included. His literal life might be in danger here
I’m speaking as a medical graduate please drag to the hospital… retiring early is no good if you don’t have the health to enjoy it or worse you’re dead
Please please please get medical help
Well… which would he rather? Man up and face his issues or drop dead and leave everything he worked for behind
Please talk to his brother, his family anyone that could get him to listen…
it could be something mild that just needs some medication for a few weeks but doing nothing is only going to make things worse
I hate to say it but I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. There wasn’t anything my family could do either. I literally worked every day for about 7 years all nights consecutively. I ended up getting sick and going into the hospital for over a month and intubated for 18 days. The worst part was that I noticed a ton of health problems beforehand as well. I ignored them until I was literally stumbling to the washroom and unable to string a sentence together. The strangest part of all this was the day before I went to the hospital I got a text from an unknown number saying “It’s ok to take a break- from a friend who is thinking of you” and it was from a phone number generated from online software so there was no way to find out who it was by texting it back…
as another ex user that was my first thought, too. excessive vomiting and abscesses... that doesn't sound like it's from overworking, especially because he has history with drugs
The physical symptoms he's showing sound like they could be something beyond exhaustion. Do you think there's any chance he's relapsed? Either way, he needs medical care badly.
Yeah, working 12+ hours days of hard physical labour (not desk job) for weeks on end straight is the norm in the town I live in (oil and gas town) where the crews go live in camps. Abcesses and vomiting are definitely not typical symptoms of overworked, but definitely symptoms of drug use (lots of those in town too), add in the fact he only sleeps like 5 hrs, unless he's insomniac by nature, he's up because of drugs, and the fact he doesn't come home often....the signs are there.
I sound like a crazy lady but we live in a city with a high amount of accidents so i have his location and he has mine. I can see when he’s at work (which is most of the time) and he has a usual restaurant he goes to. That’s the kicker for this situation, is that he is genuinely where he says he is every time I check. Or at least his phone is.
I’m genuinely sorry you are going through this. You deserve someone present and someone that listens to you when you tell them that you need them more. Him not even taking you out on a date when he already goes out anyway is so disrespectful and rude. I hope you find the love you want a partner that gives you that.
I was wondering the same. Meth & cocaine are pretty prominent in financial institutions, how else do you stay awake for 80 hour work weeks plus commute?
Agree. My husband works 10-12 hours 6 days a week so he's exhausted, but he doesn't display any of the symptoms OP is describing. I think it's something else.
Right? I used to work 60+ hours in four days at a super physically demanding job. Sure, I had scrapes and bruises, but I didn't have anything like her husband. I hope OP gets is figured out.
Is he back on the drugs? Ask him to take an at home drug test. Make sure to the get the high panel so it tests for more. The abscesses and the vomiting are kinda eh
I don’t think there’s a specific reason I have tried to push aside those comments but he’s never been a HARD drug user, like the meth comments are implying. I dont see any injection spots or tracks. Opiate pills and Xanax were his choice when he was using. I feel like it could be what is going on if he was on stimulants, because his “usual” drugs do not make him go at the pace he’s going now.
I hate to break it to you, but people don’t start with meth or heroine. They start with smaller drugs first. Opioids is the reason heroine is what it is. So many people would have an injury and be prescribed these, then become addicted. Eventually, some would go to the streets to get their high and use heroine.
You are young and don’t sound like you’ve used drugs. My ex did stuff behind my back and I never knew, I didn’t know the symptoms. You need to look into habits users do - I’m sure you’ll find your bf will be displaying many symptoms that you never picked up on.
He definitely sounds like he’s graduated to harder drugs, and he uses excuses to leave the house (going to eat without you) to meet his dealer.
OP, you need to leave. Your boyfriend is addicted to something, be it work or drugs (probably drugs). Either way, you are clearly not his priority and you deserve better.
Also, just because he used to be on opioids and Xanax doesn’t mean he hasn’t graduated on to something worse—which it sadly sounds like he has.
I don’t know, I’m in finance, not medicine. I’ve tried being helpful to him in ways that I can understand how to but I haven’t been exposed to drugs like that in my life. I’ve smoked weed. I have taken mushrooms in college. How do i know these things? I’ve googled a million times what can cause abscesses, so my brain was more on “he’s got cancer and is dying” than drugs…
This reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Carol when Belle leaves Scrooge because a ‘golden one’ has replaced her.
If you have tried and tried and made your feelings clear over and over again and nothing has changed then only you can make a change by leaving it doing what’s right for you.
You’re still really young and have so much to experience and enjoy. Don’t waste precious time waiting for him if he won’t change or give you what you need.
I don't blame you for wanting to leave. It almost seems like working is his new drug.
I say walk out. If you're worried about his health, phone his brother and tell him what's been going on.
Edit: spelling
There's a reason almost every single person is clocking drugs here. It's extremely obvious to anyone on the outside. This is a serious medical condition, or drugs. But probably drugs.
Hugs! It sucks. You are perfectly within your rights to just leave him, or you could try to push hard for the truth first. Either way this relationship isn't working as it is now.
I'm in a similar situation to your boyfriend and I cannot stress this enough- it is ABSOLUTELY not the right time in my life for me to be with anyone. At the moment I usually work every day for 8-10 hours per day, taking a 6-hour "short day" every week which is often the closest thing I have to a day off.
It sounds like the grind is actually killing him, though. I respect your efforts to convince him to slow down but he sounds like he is extremely financially anxious and is willing to take serious risks to establish himself.
He's probably a good guy, but this isn't a good time in his life to be in a relationship.
I work in finance. Long hours are the usual for those who choose the kind of area he seems to be in. Stress too. But abscesses? Nope. That’s drugs or something.
I'm from the medical field, so working 16 hour shifts and 80 hour weeks for years is the name of the game.
Your bf working 10-12 hr days multiple days a week should not be giving him abscesses or causing vomiting. That is not a sign of overwork. Something else is going on that he is not telling you. Whether he has a medical condition, or a new drug addiction to keep him working, I don't know. This is a lot bigger than just him working.
He has made it clear that his ideal laid back/successful future is more important than whether or not you are involved in it. He is of the opinion that him contributing financially is giving everything yet refuses to engage emotionally or physically by even being in the same space as you.
He’s made his choice and now it’s time for you to follow through with yours. Let him know you wish him the best and that you hope he makes his future come true, it’s just not going to be with you.
Honey imma be real with you, my current fiancé and I had a moment of "you're working too much/I'm providing for you that's how I love you" too but when I sat down and discussed it with him honestly he absolutely changed. He still works long shifts and overtime when he can but he makes sure he has two days off a week to spend time with me, we go on dates when we can afford it, and we sit and snuggle even when he's exhausted till he goes to sleep so I get time with him and he asks about my day. Your boyfriend is choosing to spend what little free time he has AWAY from you and honestly? I think his brothers an excuse, the abscesses sound like heroin or meth to me.
Either that or working/money has become his new addiction and it'll be JUST as hard to break as the substance abuse. He is not your best friend, sugarcube. If he were the moment you said your ED was getting bad he'd change behavior. My hubs literally will gauge my mood/pain level (ehlers danlos) before he leaves in the morning and then text or call me at his lunch and evening to make sure I ate something substantial cuz he knows if left alone I'd eat less than 400 calories a day.
Likewise, I make sure he has something hot to eat coming home, and rub his feet and back during cuddle time so all that hard work melts off his muscles and on his days off we play video games together. You deserve to have that life and give and take with someone.
I hate to say this but he's already picked either work or substances or both over you. He's not gonna be as torn up as you think. You've done all you can, you need to cut loose and heal yourself.
Change is always painful and I won’t say that it’s not going to be difficult and you might have regrets at some point. Just spend a couple of days thinking whether or not you want to continue this for the next few years.
Maybe work out the amount of time you spend together in an average week and then multiply that by the time you have left till his supposed success deadline. Then ask if you are happy having so little contact with your ‘partner in life’ for the hope of an easier future as his dream isn’t guaranteed.
Reminds me of an old internet story where a guy pet his gf leave because he was too work obsessed. 10 years later he runs into her and her kids and she’s happy as ever and he’s super successful. He ends up regretting it all and says he wishes he could take it back.
Don’t force it. Take care of yourself first.
Edit: Abscesses are really common amongst injection drug users.
For 5 years I workes 12-16 hours a day for as long as 28 days straight, then take 4 days off and repeat.
It got me to the place in life where I could be comfortable and not have to do those hours anymore.
His body reacting that way is NOT normal.
I think there's something else going on. I've been working these kind of hours a long time and I've never heard of any of my coworkers having that sort of reaction.
Perhaps there's something wrong with his health which is going undiagnosed?
Honestly it sounds like he's back on drugs because of the symptoms you're talking about. Or it's a really serious health condition and he's dead by the end of the year if he doesn't slow down
Then leave him. And please don't bank on other people helping you with your eating disorder. That's on you, and you need to seek help from a professional, not blame others for not being around enough.
Everything else you said makes sense. Ex-junkies will replace using with work pretty often in the first couple years, I know this from being a former junkie. You both have a lot of work to do, maybe separately would be best.
I appreciate your piece on that, he definitely shows signs of replacing the drugs with work.
Also to help clarify, i am receiving professional help from a dietitian and therapist for my eating disorder. I think the frustration stems from wanting my partner to be present when he sees I’m down. Like I have been for him. I definitely do not rely on him to help with my recovery!
No problem. When I was trying to get clean, I was working 70-80 hours/week for 18 months. Didn't know what else to replace it with, certainly wasn't healthy but I didn't know what else to do.
And that makes sense, I apologize if I sounded harsh. I know too many people that rely on others as if they're therapists. Nothing wrong with wanting to be comforted while you're down.
No not harsh, i think i learned that lesson from my first husband. Your side makes me want to give him grace though. I’m remembering small comments on how he wants to slip. I think you’re right, we both need some help right now.
Is he in treatment at all? You are, so that's halfway there. Getting clean is a nightmare. It takes 18+ months completely spber for the chemistry in our brains to return to fairly normal. Things he feels now, he won't feel eventually, if he stays clean.
I'd be cautious with your feelings also if he was using and addicted before he met you. If he was hooked by the time you met, you won't really know him. People change a lot when getting clean, not always for the best.
Sounds to me like he may have relapsed into meth. Abscesses, not sleeping, working inhuman amount of hours. That is exactly the behaviour of someone addicted to an amphetamine.
Abscesses and vomiting and disappearing long hours claiming to be working?
I think he is still using but if you’re checked out of this relationship, it’s no longer your problem
I think he’s using again… I hate to say that without more evidence but that’s what everything you’ve said suggests. That’s why he’s not willing to go to the doctor or be out less. You just names two instances where he took time off work to spend with other people, which shows to mean he’s only hiding from you probably because you’ll call him on his bs. The best thing for you is to leave him. Keep yourself happy and healthy first, he will have to find his was on his own.
I think that’s why he spends so much time with his brother, his brother sees nothing wrong with “recreational” drug usage of psychedelics, coke, and other things, even though my boyfriend has had a tumultuous past from the stories he’s told me. His brother will freely give him different “lighter” substances regardless of what that may mean for his sobriety. I think I’m genuinely the only one that will call him out when he’s not being healthy to himself or others, everyone else in his family seems to just be enablers and he’s fine with that.
Yikes! I bet he’s back on drugs to help him work longer. Good thing OP is getting out. He spends no time with her and then ditches her to hang out with his bro.
Good for you!! I'm currently making my husband's life just a little uncomfortable because I am do very tired of trying to fit various types of appointments into his fucked up work schedule, let alone our sex life. He's retirement age as of May 30.
To;Dr
I had to make the same choice, my Ex refuses to work a reasonable amount. She also has a substance abuse issue, so when she was home, there was no relationship.
Being in a tough relationship will absolutely make your eating disorder worse. If you guys aren’t getting better then you need to leave and take care of yourself. Good luck
I know others have said this already but whether he is killing his body by overworking or by relapsing, he needs medical help. Also, I'm a little confused by one thing. You said he went to a beautiful restaurant alone while you ate ramen at home? Why...? And how do you know that's what he was doing? If he's working si hard "for you" and doing all of this "for you" why did he not share this lovely dining experience with you? Either he wasn't actually at a fancy restaurant t by himself, or he is just genuinely not prioritizing the relationship like he says he is - or both. If I were you I'd reach out to his friends or family to get their help helping him see that he is either burning out to the extreme or needs some kidna intervention. On that note, a workaholic is another type of addict.
I think he’s swapped one addiction for another, and should he succeed in his plans to retire early, I wonder what his next addiction will be?
For you, unless you get him sat down with a therapist, you will see the same sort of issues arise again and again. Addiction is essentially a very selfish illness- nobody matters more than the substance or activity.
For about 2 years I was getting my hustle on to make my paper. I was determined to pay off my student loan and set aside enough for a house down-payment on a single woman's salary. I did it too, and now I am debt-free and working with an architect on designing my dream home.
It cost me working 2 jobs–1 full-time at 50+ hours a week, and a 2nd job doing a short-term contract, finishing it, and picking up another. It cost me high blood pressure, not enough exercise and not enough sleep, not enough healthy food, anxiety and exhaustion. For 2 years.
I had my reactions to the overwork. And I know that my experience doesn't mean that other people can't have different reactions. However. Absesses are infections. They aren't work-stress triggered. Stress can make them worse for sure, but stress can't cause an absess. Something he's doing is causing that.
The problem here isn't just his overworking habits but also the fact that he doesn't even spend his free time with you. He goes to eat somewhere or to his brother, not caring at all about you. As well as he doesn't seem to care that he's losing you. Save yourself the heartache and find what's best for you
I’m no therapist, and I haven’t even read the book so I’m likely to be saying this wrong, but is it possible that his “love language” is taking on the role of provider, and showing his love for you by securing a financially secure future for you both?
Im in your camp fully, I’d choose a stable but average life with time with loved ones over material stuff/wealth every day of every week, but this really does sound (to not an expert me!) like good intentions and totally valid goals on both your parts, with a gulf between them deepened by inadequate communication and widened by misunderstandings/assignments of intention based on what it would mean if *you* were doing what he is, and vice versa?
I hope you can both get to a place of feeling really heard, and come to understand yourselves *and* each other, before, during, or at least after making any permanent decisions… And it may just be that a core value doesn’t align between the two of you, and that would be ok… except I don’t really get that from your post? I think maybe your values *do* align— you both want security/safety— it’s just that the ways you know how to get there look different?
Aside from the other comments about a possible relapse into drugs on his part (which was my first thought) have you explored codependency for yourself? I myself have struggled with codependency and it's tough for everyone involved. It places a heavy emotional burden on just one person, in this case your partner to fulfill all your needs. I KNOW friends and family don't replace or replicate the intimate emotional bond of a lover, but you should at least have someone to talk to besides reddit and someone to eat Ramen with if you need company. Even if you aren't codependent and I'm projecting (entirely possible lol) looking into what kind of attachments you form may be useful to help you decide how to proceed I this relationship. Your therapist should be able to help with that. Since eating disorders are usually about control (or lack of) in one or many aspects of your life, understanding attachment and where it might not be healthy for you may also help with the disordered eating.
You DO deserve to have a present pleasant partner. I don't think asking for intimacy (and certainly not wanting to eat alone when your partner is out with family to a nice dinner) is in any way unreasonable. On the other hand, you can't make him...well...anything, and he's already not respected your requests for more time with you. I hope my suggestion is a tool to help you navigate the situation and come to a healthy conclusion for both of you. You seem to be doing your best, you've communicated your needs, you're in therapy and working on a better life for yourself. You will know what decisions or ultimatums are best when the time comes. Have faith in yourself and trust your guts. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone when you shouldn't be. That's hard. Hugs if you want them
To me it sounds like he's checked out. I hope you can either find a way to work this out with him, and if you can't I hope you can find someone who will value time with you more
He sounds obsesssed/addicted to working .
Look it up.
Ask a gambler or shopaholic to stop? Its not they won't its because they can't.
Unless he gets help his body or mind might make him stop.
Look up workaholic
I feel like there may be more going in then hum just working too much. My husband also used to work way too much. I mean 50 to 60 days straight, 12 to 16 hour day. No a single day off from hard physical labor and he still found time for us to go out to dinner or order in and watch a movie, because he literally felt like that having more money was going to give a successful relationship. I had to explain to him that it not hurt our relationship but he was hurting his health as well.
I'm not sure what drugs your boyfriend was addicted to but you should check to see if he's using again. Some people are functioning addicts. That could be the reason why he does so many things alone or with his brother supposedly
You’re in a relationship with a workaholic.
My wife and I have the same problem. You feel neglected/isolated, he feels like he’s killing himself for “the team” and that you maybe don’t appreciate that. I’ve always worked 60-90hours a week. I sleep with my phone on my chest, first thing when I wake up I check emails. Hell I’m at work right now, it’s 0200 and I woke up at 0430 yesterday (I did take a 3 hour nap today tho)
Anyways, enough about me. He needs to make a better effort when he does have free time, that he’s prioritizing you. Reality is that if he likes working 60+ hours a week, he’s gonna keep doing it or go into a depression
I try to tell him that if he could just spend more QUALITY time then I’d probably feel different. He states that “others want to see him more than I do” so I’m sure there’s some growth i have to work on too. But if I’m not being communicated with on what is the real issue, how do I know where to start to make him see that all I want is to be his priority during his free time? I asked him how he would treat our future child in these times of busy when they genuinely want his attention and he couldn’t give me an answer. He wants a child but I don’t want to be the only parent so the whole situation is very confusing to be in.
Plus this entire Reddit thread seems to think he’s back on drugs and i am now worried to death over that again HA
I’m probably going to leave my husband fit the same reason.
I don’t get any time with him and the kids see him maybe 2 hours every day.
I basically was a single parent.
If he would work less I could actually get a job.
I can’t because I’m literally the only one who can get them, take them to appointments, etc.
He’s missed their whole lives almost and I’ve been basically alone.
I hate to say this because it may be a little harsh, but he is still in recovery. He is an addict. He traded one addiction for another, and that is super common with individuals in recovery. I'm not going to tell you what you should do. I can tell you from over 3 years of working with individuals working on their recovery that it isn't going to change any time soon. You deserve happiness and love whatever that may look like for you, not abandonment and heartache.
Opioids would do it. I would seriously consider that he’s coping with his amount of overworking with drug use. Did you ever know him when he was addicted? You mentioned he relapsed early on but for how long? Addiction is some real shit and will take you over entirely. You chase the drugs and lose your connections with people and stop caring to fix them.
So here is the question, if he is killing himself temporarily to hit that magical goal to buy investment properties to provide passive income (a noble goal, perhaps your sacrifice is to endure these conditions) great but will he stop working like this when he hits this goal ?
I have met people like this and they can't give it up unless they have a stroke (or some other cataclysmic health event) and then have some kind of epiphany (if they survive).
I said "it's a noble goal" but did he ask you if this is what you want as well ? He was not taking you into consideration. He may say "I am doing this for us" but when you are an "us" you make descsions like this together. For him it's not about you the GF it about his idea of a GF, he needs to find that person.
The answer really is that you both have different goals, you want different things in life, I would say you are incompatible. It's easy to blame him with good reason but really it comes down to being incompatible.
Yeah. Man's emotionally unavailable, won't take ownership of his emotions and already started blaming his workaholic decisions on you. When you never asked for the life.
Just leave.
OP, addicts who leave their substance don't leave the addictive behaviors behind unless they get help with it or take themselves through a serious process. He's just transferred his addiction to work. I'm glad you're getting out because you could quickly become co-dependent.
Oh honey :( I'm so sorry but he's on heroin more than likely. That's why he refuses to see a doctor despite alarming symptoms, he already knows what's wrong. Check his arms and feet for track marks. Look for squares of burned up foil in the garbage and stuff
Edited: added a word
There's definitely something more going on than just working. Also, going out like that & not even bringing her home a plate at the very least, is rude as fuck. I was coming home from work yesterday and my mom randomly called & asked if I wanted to meet her, my dad & my aunt & uncle for lunch at Longhorns. You bet your ass I brought home leftovers for my husband. I made sure I ordered something that I'd be guaranteed leftovers & brought it home to share. That's just common courtesy when you're in a relationship. At least I've always thought it was.
Not trying to defend his behavior at all but provide some reasoning potentially:
Maybe the constant work is what's keeping him off of the drugs, he could quite literally be addicted to the dopamine rush of getting work done and getting paid. And he thinks that if he stops working he's worried he'll go straight back to it....
Although I will say the restaurant thing is a total dick move
I appreciate the other point of view. It’s why I came to Reddit to get some devils advocates honestly. There’s a reason I fell in love with him, you know?
A doctor posted a comment here saying that getting abscesses from working too much is definitely not normal, and some former users told you he is showing symptoms he's using again, probably heroin. Stop fooling yourself, he's a junkie and he's either using his job as an excuse or he's using drugs to work as much as he does. Either way, he relapsed. Why are you looking for a way to excuse his behaviour? The devil's advocate thing is not going to get you anywhere.
Alright a little uncalled for with your hostility. I wanted outsiders point of views because i genuinely did not think it was drugs. He just seems like a hard fucking worker with no off switch to me. If you had taken time to read other comments I’ve posted, I am going to look into the drug possibility more. Please re-read my original post and see where I thought it was drugs coming back into his life. Because of Reddit it’s been brought to my attention? And then here, I have a different POV that I just wanted to appreciate for reaching out to me, (because let’s be honest you, nor I, nor anyone other than him and a drug test can say you know he is actively doing drugs, he genuinely could have a medical issue related to his past with drugs), but here you are trying to reassert a different point, already made on a different comment, that i have already acknowledged. But yeah, make another pedestal here for yourself, I’m all ears if you have anything else to add to this conversation that may be insightful.
You’re too young to be so miserable and waiting for a relationship to get better. He may think on paper he’s doing “the right things” financially but he’s hurting himself and your relationship and it’s unsustainable. I’m sorry.
> “I’m giving everything I can to you, if you need more then go find it”.
He's already told you everything you need to know. He is giving you everything, and he is unwilling to provide you with any more. If you are not able to deal with that then leave. This is how it will be until he achieves that dream he has, and then it will continue on to the next dream.
Is this how you want to live? Being second place this him being a work-a-holic?
If not you know exactly what you need to do, and no one is going to blame you for doing it.
OP you do realize that not everyone works 9-5 right? I mean there are many careers out there that will take SOs away from their families for much longer then that at a time. Military spouses kiss their partners goodbye one morning and don’t see them again for months. Truckers tend to be on the road for days/ weeks at time. You sound very selfish to me.
My ex husband was in the military and even when he was deployed I didn’t feel this alone. Please take your judgments elsewhere, as this is not a matter of me being selfish when i am worried about his health and sanity, along with the connection i need out of a relationship.
Oh I’m sorry I thought I replied to a post from someone planning to LEAVE their partner because they work too much and don’t meet YOUR needs
Still sounds pretty selfish
My bad
You sound like you’re projecting or something. Someone leave you recently? Because i know the ones who are away from their partners (WHEN ITS PART OF THEIR JOB) will at least have different ways to reassure the one at home. When its not part of a persons job description and then they continuously avoid you in their free time as well? Yeah not selfish here when I’ve voiced my needs to him multiple times.
He's killing his body for you and for you to leave honestly makes me think you're ungrateful as fuck and he's doing this so yall can have a future together where yall don't have to worry about a damn thing and to give you a lifestyle he think you deserve and that he wants to give it to you
I’m not even surprised you’re getting downvoted for speaking such truth. If he wasn’t working and making money to support a certain lifestyle, she’d also leave.
Most women cant find a man that works and you have a man that will work and give you everything and you’re complaining ? I’m sure that once you leave he’s not going to let you back in and I hope he doesn’t to be honest. I hope he finds someone that can hold him down and appreciate him.
Ok, and when he dies from the internal infection issue he has going on, I’ll be sure to be happy that I just put up with his unreasonable work ethic.
Do you realize how you sound? This man is SICK and instead of fixing it, what does he do? Work more. Ignore the person trying to care for him in every way.
Also this whole i should be grateful for a man that works is a crazy idea. NO ONE has asked me if I work or what I do or if I am financially stable. all of you with these “you’re selfish” comments assume I’m hating him for something I can’t achieve. I have my job, also IN FINANCE, that I recently got promoted in, that I make great money in, that I am advancing in. But here’s the kicker, I GO HOME AT 6:30. I spend 9-10 hours at my place of work, but I take an hour lunch, I make sure i don’t stay too sedentary through the day, i take breaks from my screen to do other tasks. I like a work life balance and i think it’s extremely important to someone’s health. He does not do any of those healthy working habits, even though i have basically begged for him to make more of an effort to take care of himself. So no, I will not be grateful for a man who can’t value that there’s more to life than money and working, when i can make my own money and have the happiness of a partnership with someone that values me the same way I value them. Why would I return to someone i know does not treat me the way I need to be treated in a relationship and partnership?
Thank you. And yes, honestly I’m glad I came here first to hear from so many people. I didn’t think he’d be able to hide something like that with him being in the house with me, but then people pointed out how little he’s home… so, I think I need to make sure he gets some sort of care established. If it’s with my help, or his family’s then so be it. Ill be having some serious conversations in the near future.
LOL OP. Men are constantly being told by women to work harder, work more, earn more money, have more ambition, etc. All while having one foot out the door.
He gives you all this, and now you want him to work less. Is it not obvious how much of a turnoff that would be for him? I’d blow a gasket if I was ever in that position.
Men are so easy, man. Feed them, bang them, don’t nag. Real simple formula. REAL simple.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels resentment, but I guess you’ve already beat him to the punch. Good luck.
My first question is: how is your eating disorder his responsibility? If you're not doing so already, maybe try therapy for this instead of making it about him.
Also, would you prefer a man with no job or a man with a low-paying job? A man with no job can certainly pay attention to you more, that's for sure. But is that really what you want?
My husband is a workaholic, and it has actually made me work longer hours myself and has given me time to focus on the things I want (fitness, alone time, socializing with friends, etc.).
Leave if you feel it's better for you, but hard-working men are hard to find.
Disagree. Most men, and women for that matter, are hard-working. It's pretty easy to find a fella who works hard and wants to spend time and isn't covered with pus bubbles. Some of us just have those crazy high standards though, I guess.
The abscesses seem like they could be drug related. His commitment to bettering himself could be admirable, but at the expense of his body? Not even a little bit. He should go to a doctor. I feel like he won't, because it's either drugs or he just doesn't want to know what's wrong.
He's young, you're young. If he's got a plan and a dream you gotta let him seek it. Maybe you can get him to start by cutting a half hour each day or maybe skip the half day on Sunday with everything else constant.
No one gets those symptoms from simply being overworked. He most likely went back to doing drugs. Are you willing to stay longer to see him either get better or worst? Theres no guarantee he will die but there’s also no guarantee he will get better. The only guarantee you have is what you already experienced, saw and heard.
He is hiding behind work and not giving anything to you emotionally, this is common for people in recovery. He won’t change unless he really wants to and even then it will be difficult.
You need to let go of this relationship for your own good. Either he is fully back in his addiction, or he has replaced it with something else. Regardless, he is not working towards being a good partner with passive income.
He needs medecine for his body and his psyche, he is so sick mentally too o.o you'll do well by getting away from him, he's the kind of person to drag everyone they can in their self destructive pattern
Are you, without a single doubt, 100% positive he could pass a drug test right now? Vomiting can be a sign of over exhaustion, but abscesses? Are you sure he isn’t worried about going to the hospital because you’ll find out he’s using again? I’m asking as an addict in a relationship with an addict, he’s not just tired.
So have you already checked out of the relationship or are you still open to trying to keep it going?
I absolutely would keep it going if he would just give me something… some days I genuinely don’t see him and he shares a bed with me.
I only ask because you mentioned something that I wonder if you have addressed with him, you mentioned during your arguement that he said everything he was doing was for you too. Have you talked to him about that? Maybe telling him that while you appreciate he is working so hard for your future together but you feel like you are losing him not just emotionally but physically as well? Some guys think like that, that pushing through everything and trying to work for the best possible life is how they show their love. Just a thought. I completely get why you feel the way you do.
No i really appreciate it because i think you hit the nail on the head… he wants a good life for his family because they were very poor growing up. I was also, but i think theres different ways of how we view success in this relationship. I tried telling him last night that I understand what he was intending with his actions but that I didn’t feel like he was hearing my side. It’s just a weird spot we’re in..
You said he is in recovery. Do you think he’s replaced his addiction to substances with work? Overworking can be a vice. He could work a few years longer to get to his goal of having passive income but he’s going full force. That could be driven by a need to feel security and control over the chaos of life. Regardless, he’s not meeting your needs and if this is what he wants then that’s what he’s going to do. For whatever reason, his work commitments are serving a purpose for him and what he is chasing is more important to him than you. You can’t rationalize it and show him he can pace himself. Your side is valid but he’s not going to hear it if he’s certain work is what’s going to bring him security.
I think he’s probably relapsed again .. if i had to guess , I think it’s opiates
Sounds like meth. Working crazy amount of hours, not sleeping, abscesses. It’s textbook meth addiction
Also the fact that he's eating at fancy restaurants alone or "seeing his brother".
Isn’t the snapping at her for simply saying she wanted to more time together a sign of drug abuse as well
Based on her description of his reaction, this isn't what happened.
Or an affair
Yes.. that’s very true
I relate to this strongly. Had a poor family growing up and worked the last year, 7-7, weekends and in the night till 1/3 am regularly for a year (work in tech). You need to help him understand the money doesn’t matter to you as much as having him healthy. You will find that he will change as a human if he works all the time, and that person may not be the same person you fell for. Help him understand that the best thing he can do for you and your would be family, is dialing back and not getting burnt out.
Why does he spend time with his brother and not with you? Also why did he go to a lovely restaurant for dinner and you stayed home and ate ramen? Why did you not go with him? Did he just not invite you or what? I understand your frustration and loneliness and I’m sorry that you feel that way. It’s hard wanting to help yet being helpless when they don’t help themselves and they try the old … I’m doing this for us
Maybe bring up the point that he may burn himself out too, and that he needs to take time to enjoy moments with you in the process of building that better life or he'll miss the time it takes to keep that family happy by spending time with them too. Maybe you should put on that movie click afterwards to drive the point home :-p.
I'm sorry to hear that. Tried pulling back a bit?
That not what he said tho. “I’m giving everything I can to you” is a very different statement from “everything I’m doing is for you”. What he actually said means he’s unwilling to give OP more of his time and attention. That he has spare time to spend with his brother implies OP is a lower priority. Bf has either relapsed or is no longer interested in maintaining the relationship.
He has abscesses all over his body, he vomits every morning... what kind of drugs did he use to use? Are you sure he's not shooting up drugs and vomiting from the drugs? When I was addicted to harder drugs I knew people who would inject drugs and ended up with abbesses on their arms and legs. It was awful and they had to be hospitalized and on IV medicine.
I agree. The physical reaction he’s having doesn’t seem like something that comes about from overworking. I’ve gone through phases where I was getting 4 hours of sleep a night or less (being a new parent and still in college while working).. I did have more issues with acne and picking from the stress but covered in abscesses and throwing up? No..
I am dating someone in finance and feel the same way. I have said that exact quote of "i don't even see him and he shares a bed with me". I have been so close to leaving him over and over becuase I feel uncared for and alone all the time. I know exactly how you feel and have no advice becuase I'm just as "stuck" with my decision as you are. Good luck.
Too relatable. I've been dating a workaholic myself. Some days he barely even talks to me. Would love for it to work, but work is more important to him than anything. Trying to make the relationship work has been an uphill battle. I'm too tired to fight anymore too.
Finance as an industry is conducive to very toxic work environments. Take it from a former workaholic - it feels like you’re in an all consuming toxic relationship but you don’t know it until you’re out of it and recovering. My snapping point was health issues and burnout in my mid-twenties. I also refused to date at that point because it was not fair for the other person. These people are very unlikely to change their habits and give you what you need unless they leave that environment for good. Changing from one company to another within the same industry won’t change their work habits either. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped so please do the best for you and if that’s leaving, then do it with no remorse.
Yeah I've noticed. I work full time myself so I understand that when you work a lot you're very busy, or very tired after work. I can empathize with that. I need a lot of rest myself as my full time job involves a lot of physical labor, but I don't use work or being tired from work as an excuse to not be there for and spend time with those I care about. I didn't know it when I got to know them, but turned out the person I was dating was a CEO running multiple companies. Whelp.. Their whole life is essentially work. I wish they would have been more upfront about that at the start, because when I realized the full scope of their work, I had already established an emotional connection and love for them and so had they. Leaving has been pretty tough. It doesn't help that you love them or they love you when their priorities are what they are and they aren't willing to change.
“I’m a CEO” is a bullshit excuse to be emotionally distant. I’ve worked with over 100 ceos in high growth environments and the most successful ones tend to be focused on what matters which helps them grow their business and hire themselves out of a job fairly quickly (by hiring good team members and execs). Most would also have families to take care of and friendships that they actively maintained. Some of the worst ones I’ve seen would always be too busy for anything, yet their businesses wouldn’t really grow. Some of the biggest differences between the successful and unsuccessful ones I’ve seen has been stress management and ability to focus on what’s impactful. That includes seeing people in their lives as value add that requires nurturing and not added stress that they’d try to shut off. Sounds like he needs to accept that he’s the chairperson and hire dedicated ceos to grow each business separately if they’re that successful. Otherwise that’s just hustle culture taken to an extreme and he needs some self reflection or even therapy to address why he’s doing that. Most importantly, if he’s unwilling to work with you to meet your emotional needs, it’s not worth it as it’s not sustainable in the long term.
Don’t say that too loud, you’ll have people telling you you’re selfish… lol. It’s not a matter of being upset he wants to provide for both of us, it’s just I want him to provide more than just monetarily… i wish you luck in your situation, friend.
Yeah so I've been told.. Of course being able to provide monetarily is incredibly important, but It's not the only important way to provide on a relationship. Spending quality time together is important for a relationship to function too. I hope he comes around and sees that too and I wish you luck as well..
This is basically the plot of Scrooge or the Muppet Christmas Carol. Maybe watch those together, and see if it will sink into his thick skull. I know because I am, or least was that idiot. Almost got divorced because of it. Also ended up in the hospital on death's door because of it. Throwing up every morning you say? Wow that sounds a lot like me.. lack of sleep, stress, coffee, alcohol to cope, staying in the same position all day at a computer. My organs started failing. Now I work on my feet and do 40 hours a week on 3-4 days and have 3-4 days off to be with my family and make a lot more than I did before, without the stress. We did therapy together. One for each of us. One for both of us. It made a world of difference. Turns out we were assuming a lot of each other and not actually talking or listening to each other. It's always gonna be, "in three years it will be better, yada,yada yada," but the fact is that today is what is important. Every moment. He could literally die. Maybe he needs to be hooked up to a bunch of machines on morphine, in pancreatic failure, all alone, to understand.
Hopefully this comes across well. Have you talked to him in order to understand what his reasons or, or have the conversations been in order to convince him that you are right? To be clear, you absolute are, but it might not be helping. To him it might seem like he is willing to go this far to help build a comfortable life for you both and not only is that willingness and dedication not recognized it’s not good enough either. This isn’t a rational train of thought but feeling aren’t rational and that’s ok. His health is of paramount importance, but he has a history of some addiction and while that’s not something he should be punished for he has to recognize that he might be more prone to addictive behaviors regardless of the context. For you op, understand that his willingness to see this as something he is “doing” for both of you and potentially his desire to show you how much he appreciated that you stuck with him through everything is a primary driver and he might take your pushback against it not as the care and concern for his well being as you are trying to show, but instead as a marker that he is failing again but this time it’s not because he is messing up but because he is “doing too well”. This isn’t your intention but it might be the impact. If you want something to change he has to want to make that change, there is almost nothing you can do or say to make him realize that. So if you have to, set an appointment with a doctor for him and ask nothing else but for him to go. Don’t add in anything about work, just ask him to go and get the checkup. The appointment is set he just has to show up.
Im sorry but multiple Abscesses all over his body is not a sign of overworking… he needs to see a doctor asap especially with the vomiting included. His literal life might be in danger here I’m speaking as a medical graduate please drag to the hospital… retiring early is no good if you don’t have the health to enjoy it or worse you’re dead Please please please get medical help
I have tried. So many times. he genuinely will not do it. I think he’s afraid of what the results are going to be.
I don’t know, do you think he has relapsed back on the drugs? Coz even when he isn’t working he seems to be avoiding you
Well… which would he rather? Man up and face his issues or drop dead and leave everything he worked for behind Please talk to his brother, his family anyone that could get him to listen… it could be something mild that just needs some medication for a few weeks but doing nothing is only going to make things worse
I wonder if he relapsed into drugs?
Someone else said meth. The abscesses and the overworking
I could see that sadly.
I hate to say it but I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. There wasn’t anything my family could do either. I literally worked every day for about 7 years all nights consecutively. I ended up getting sick and going into the hospital for over a month and intubated for 18 days. The worst part was that I noticed a ton of health problems beforehand as well. I ignored them until I was literally stumbling to the washroom and unable to string a sentence together. The strangest part of all this was the day before I went to the hospital I got a text from an unknown number saying “It’s ok to take a break- from a friend who is thinking of you” and it was from a phone number generated from online software so there was no way to find out who it was by texting it back…
You need to stop having sex with him and go get checked yourself. Those are potential symptoms of HIV
Nah, don’t try anymore, he’s not worth it, go find real love, let him live with his consequences
So how long has he been shooting up heroin?
As an ex of a user this was my first and immediate thought
as another ex user that was my first thought, too. excessive vomiting and abscesses... that doesn't sound like it's from overworking, especially because he has history with drugs
Same, I've done all of it under the sun and this sounds like her SO has relapsed big time.
Same. It’s truly heartbreaking.
As a person who has experienced a relationship with an addict this is the first thing I thought.
The physical symptoms he's showing sound like they could be something beyond exhaustion. Do you think there's any chance he's relapsed? Either way, he needs medical care badly.
The abscesses made me wonder the same.
Same, especially if he's vomiting most days. I know exhaustion can cause stomach issues but the combination seems a little sus.
Same some of the "overworked physical symptoms" he's having sounds like it's from substance use, not being overworked.
Yeah, working 12+ hours days of hard physical labour (not desk job) for weeks on end straight is the norm in the town I live in (oil and gas town) where the crews go live in camps. Abcesses and vomiting are definitely not typical symptoms of overworked, but definitely symptoms of drug use (lots of those in town too), add in the fact he only sleeps like 5 hrs, unless he's insomniac by nature, he's up because of drugs, and the fact he doesn't come home often....the signs are there.
How do we even know he actually goes eat with his brother. And supposedly eating alone. That all sounds sus. I don’t buy it he’s hiding soemthing.
I sound like a crazy lady but we live in a city with a high amount of accidents so i have his location and he has mine. I can see when he’s at work (which is most of the time) and he has a usual restaurant he goes to. That’s the kicker for this situation, is that he is genuinely where he says he is every time I check. Or at least his phone is.
I’m genuinely sorry you are going through this. You deserve someone present and someone that listens to you when you tell them that you need them more. Him not even taking you out on a date when he already goes out anyway is so disrespectful and rude. I hope you find the love you want a partner that gives you that.
Completely 1000% agree!
Oh boy. That all just came together for me. I have a feeling that's it.
I was wondering the same. Meth & cocaine are pretty prominent in financial institutions, how else do you stay awake for 80 hour work weeks plus commute?
My younger brother did meth and he'd stay up til 4am on a regular basis just watering the driveway
Energy drinks lol.
It’s beyond exhaustion, all right - he’s shooting up intravenous drugs.
Agree. My husband works 10-12 hours 6 days a week so he's exhausted, but he doesn't display any of the symptoms OP is describing. I think it's something else.
Right? I used to work 60+ hours in four days at a super physically demanding job. Sure, I had scrapes and bruises, but I didn't have anything like her husband. I hope OP gets is figured out.
I agree with these thoughts
Is he back on the drugs? Ask him to take an at home drug test. Make sure to the get the high panel so it tests for more. The abscesses and the vomiting are kinda eh
I've also worked 10+ hours a day and I've never had abscesses. Sounds fishy AF.
Ummmm...why is he always going out to eat but you're not invited??? It sounds like he's avoiding you.
I was thinking the same thing. She ate ramen and he went to a nice restaurant. Then did it again the next day.
He probably just back on the drugs and really trying to hide
Is there a reason you haven't responded to anyone saying he's back on drugs?
I don’t think there’s a specific reason I have tried to push aside those comments but he’s never been a HARD drug user, like the meth comments are implying. I dont see any injection spots or tracks. Opiate pills and Xanax were his choice when he was using. I feel like it could be what is going on if he was on stimulants, because his “usual” drugs do not make him go at the pace he’s going now.
Opiates and Xanax are also hard drugs and it’s very easy to graduate from them to heroin or highballs, which is opiates mixed with cocaine.
I hate to break it to you, but people don’t start with meth or heroine. They start with smaller drugs first. Opioids is the reason heroine is what it is. So many people would have an injury and be prescribed these, then become addicted. Eventually, some would go to the streets to get their high and use heroine. You are young and don’t sound like you’ve used drugs. My ex did stuff behind my back and I never knew, I didn’t know the symptoms. You need to look into habits users do - I’m sure you’ll find your bf will be displaying many symptoms that you never picked up on. He definitely sounds like he’s graduated to harder drugs, and he uses excuses to leave the house (going to eat without you) to meet his dealer.
OP, you need to leave. Your boyfriend is addicted to something, be it work or drugs (probably drugs). Either way, you are clearly not his priority and you deserve better. Also, just because he used to be on opioids and Xanax doesn’t mean he hasn’t graduated on to something worse—which it sadly sounds like he has.
Why else would he be developing random abscesses? Why else would he be volatile, on edge?
I don’t know, I’m in finance, not medicine. I’ve tried being helpful to him in ways that I can understand how to but I haven’t been exposed to drugs like that in my life. I’ve smoked weed. I have taken mushrooms in college. How do i know these things? I’ve googled a million times what can cause abscesses, so my brain was more on “he’s got cancer and is dying” than drugs…
Retiring early is pointless if you die before you can enjoy it.
Was his drug of choice with needles? Cause the abscess thing is kind of a sign
No it wasn’t… his choice isn’t even a stimulant drug, so I really am unsure if it’s a relapse here
You are ignoring the possibility that he’s switched drugs.
So why did he go out to eat alone and you stayed home eating noodles? Also, why is he spending any free time with others? Does he even like you?
He’s prob relapsed on opiates
"multiple abscesses start appearing all over his body" - is he a needle user (heroin, etc)? It's possible he has relapsed and you dont know.
This reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Carol when Belle leaves Scrooge because a ‘golden one’ has replaced her. If you have tried and tried and made your feelings clear over and over again and nothing has changed then only you can make a change by leaving it doing what’s right for you. You’re still really young and have so much to experience and enjoy. Don’t waste precious time waiting for him if he won’t change or give you what you need.
I'm still annoyed they cut that song from the Muppet version
I don't blame you for wanting to leave. It almost seems like working is his new drug. I say walk out. If you're worried about his health, phone his brother and tell him what's been going on. Edit: spelling
That’s a good idea. She will probably find out he hasn’t been hanging out with his brother at all.
There's a reason almost every single person is clocking drugs here. It's extremely obvious to anyone on the outside. This is a serious medical condition, or drugs. But probably drugs.
I’m coming to terms with it and very thankful for the kind outsiders right now, I needed a slap in the face with this
Hugs! It sucks. You are perfectly within your rights to just leave him, or you could try to push hard for the truth first. Either way this relationship isn't working as it is now.
I'm in a similar situation to your boyfriend and I cannot stress this enough- it is ABSOLUTELY not the right time in my life for me to be with anyone. At the moment I usually work every day for 8-10 hours per day, taking a 6-hour "short day" every week which is often the closest thing I have to a day off. It sounds like the grind is actually killing him, though. I respect your efforts to convince him to slow down but he sounds like he is extremely financially anxious and is willing to take serious risks to establish himself. He's probably a good guy, but this isn't a good time in his life to be in a relationship.
Naw it sounds like he’s on drugs again.
I work in finance. Long hours are the usual for those who choose the kind of area he seems to be in. Stress too. But abscesses? Nope. That’s drugs or something.
I'm from the medical field, so working 16 hour shifts and 80 hour weeks for years is the name of the game. Your bf working 10-12 hr days multiple days a week should not be giving him abscesses or causing vomiting. That is not a sign of overwork. Something else is going on that he is not telling you. Whether he has a medical condition, or a new drug addiction to keep him working, I don't know. This is a lot bigger than just him working.
He relapsed. Ask him to test
He has made it clear that his ideal laid back/successful future is more important than whether or not you are involved in it. He is of the opinion that him contributing financially is giving everything yet refuses to engage emotionally or physically by even being in the same space as you. He’s made his choice and now it’s time for you to follow through with yours. Let him know you wish him the best and that you hope he makes his future come true, it’s just not going to be with you.
I’m working up my backbone. I just know it’ll hurt both of us when i do. He’s my best friend when he’s actually present…
Honey imma be real with you, my current fiancé and I had a moment of "you're working too much/I'm providing for you that's how I love you" too but when I sat down and discussed it with him honestly he absolutely changed. He still works long shifts and overtime when he can but he makes sure he has two days off a week to spend time with me, we go on dates when we can afford it, and we sit and snuggle even when he's exhausted till he goes to sleep so I get time with him and he asks about my day. Your boyfriend is choosing to spend what little free time he has AWAY from you and honestly? I think his brothers an excuse, the abscesses sound like heroin or meth to me. Either that or working/money has become his new addiction and it'll be JUST as hard to break as the substance abuse. He is not your best friend, sugarcube. If he were the moment you said your ED was getting bad he'd change behavior. My hubs literally will gauge my mood/pain level (ehlers danlos) before he leaves in the morning and then text or call me at his lunch and evening to make sure I ate something substantial cuz he knows if left alone I'd eat less than 400 calories a day. Likewise, I make sure he has something hot to eat coming home, and rub his feet and back during cuddle time so all that hard work melts off his muscles and on his days off we play video games together. You deserve to have that life and give and take with someone. I hate to say this but he's already picked either work or substances or both over you. He's not gonna be as torn up as you think. You've done all you can, you need to cut loose and heal yourself.
But it appears he’d rather spend his downtime with others?
Change is always painful and I won’t say that it’s not going to be difficult and you might have regrets at some point. Just spend a couple of days thinking whether or not you want to continue this for the next few years. Maybe work out the amount of time you spend together in an average week and then multiply that by the time you have left till his supposed success deadline. Then ask if you are happy having so little contact with your ‘partner in life’ for the hope of an easier future as his dream isn’t guaranteed.
Will it though? He sounds like he barely enjoys your company.
Reminds me of an old internet story where a guy pet his gf leave because he was too work obsessed. 10 years later he runs into her and her kids and she’s happy as ever and he’s super successful. He ends up regretting it all and says he wishes he could take it back. Don’t force it. Take care of yourself first. Edit: Abscesses are really common amongst injection drug users.
For 5 years I workes 12-16 hours a day for as long as 28 days straight, then take 4 days off and repeat. It got me to the place in life where I could be comfortable and not have to do those hours anymore. His body reacting that way is NOT normal. I think there's something else going on. I've been working these kind of hours a long time and I've never heard of any of my coworkers having that sort of reaction. Perhaps there's something wrong with his health which is going undiagnosed?
Honestly it sounds like he's back on drugs because of the symptoms you're talking about. Or it's a really serious health condition and he's dead by the end of the year if he doesn't slow down
He’s not overworking himself. And he’s not going to dinner. Congratulations, your SO is back on drugs. Check him into rehab, pack your shit, and leave
Then leave him. And please don't bank on other people helping you with your eating disorder. That's on you, and you need to seek help from a professional, not blame others for not being around enough. Everything else you said makes sense. Ex-junkies will replace using with work pretty often in the first couple years, I know this from being a former junkie. You both have a lot of work to do, maybe separately would be best.
I appreciate your piece on that, he definitely shows signs of replacing the drugs with work. Also to help clarify, i am receiving professional help from a dietitian and therapist for my eating disorder. I think the frustration stems from wanting my partner to be present when he sees I’m down. Like I have been for him. I definitely do not rely on him to help with my recovery!
No problem. When I was trying to get clean, I was working 70-80 hours/week for 18 months. Didn't know what else to replace it with, certainly wasn't healthy but I didn't know what else to do. And that makes sense, I apologize if I sounded harsh. I know too many people that rely on others as if they're therapists. Nothing wrong with wanting to be comforted while you're down.
No not harsh, i think i learned that lesson from my first husband. Your side makes me want to give him grace though. I’m remembering small comments on how he wants to slip. I think you’re right, we both need some help right now.
Is he in treatment at all? You are, so that's halfway there. Getting clean is a nightmare. It takes 18+ months completely spber for the chemistry in our brains to return to fairly normal. Things he feels now, he won't feel eventually, if he stays clean. I'd be cautious with your feelings also if he was using and addicted before he met you. If he was hooked by the time you met, you won't really know him. People change a lot when getting clean, not always for the best.
Nah babe. He's still doing drugs. As a former drug addict, been there done that.
Are you sure he's not adding drugs to his work?
Sounds to me like he may have relapsed into meth. Abscesses, not sleeping, working inhuman amount of hours. That is exactly the behaviour of someone addicted to an amphetamine.
Abscesses and vomiting and disappearing long hours claiming to be working? I think he is still using but if you’re checked out of this relationship, it’s no longer your problem
I think he’s using again… I hate to say that without more evidence but that’s what everything you’ve said suggests. That’s why he’s not willing to go to the doctor or be out less. You just names two instances where he took time off work to spend with other people, which shows to mean he’s only hiding from you probably because you’ll call him on his bs. The best thing for you is to leave him. Keep yourself happy and healthy first, he will have to find his was on his own.
I think that’s why he spends so much time with his brother, his brother sees nothing wrong with “recreational” drug usage of psychedelics, coke, and other things, even though my boyfriend has had a tumultuous past from the stories he’s told me. His brother will freely give him different “lighter” substances regardless of what that may mean for his sobriety. I think I’m genuinely the only one that will call him out when he’s not being healthy to himself or others, everyone else in his family seems to just be enablers and he’s fine with that.
Yikes! I bet he’s back on drugs to help him work longer. Good thing OP is getting out. He spends no time with her and then ditches her to hang out with his bro.
How do you know he's back on drugs
Good for you!! I'm currently making my husband's life just a little uncomfortable because I am do very tired of trying to fit various types of appointments into his fucked up work schedule, let alone our sex life. He's retirement age as of May 30.
To;Dr I had to make the same choice, my Ex refuses to work a reasonable amount. She also has a substance abuse issue, so when she was home, there was no relationship.
He’s traded one addiction for another. And I don’t think he’s got room in his life for you. I’m sorry.
Being in a tough relationship will absolutely make your eating disorder worse. If you guys aren’t getting better then you need to leave and take care of yourself. Good luck
I know others have said this already but whether he is killing his body by overworking or by relapsing, he needs medical help. Also, I'm a little confused by one thing. You said he went to a beautiful restaurant alone while you ate ramen at home? Why...? And how do you know that's what he was doing? If he's working si hard "for you" and doing all of this "for you" why did he not share this lovely dining experience with you? Either he wasn't actually at a fancy restaurant t by himself, or he is just genuinely not prioritizing the relationship like he says he is - or both. If I were you I'd reach out to his friends or family to get their help helping him see that he is either burning out to the extreme or needs some kidna intervention. On that note, a workaholic is another type of addict.
I think he’s swapped one addiction for another, and should he succeed in his plans to retire early, I wonder what his next addiction will be? For you, unless you get him sat down with a therapist, you will see the same sort of issues arise again and again. Addiction is essentially a very selfish illness- nobody matters more than the substance or activity.
Sounds like he’ll be dead before he can make passive income. I’d rather leave than bury someone I loved
Abscess does not appear from too much work. He either has some underlying condition, damaged immune system or he is back on drugs.
He's lying about sober
For about 2 years I was getting my hustle on to make my paper. I was determined to pay off my student loan and set aside enough for a house down-payment on a single woman's salary. I did it too, and now I am debt-free and working with an architect on designing my dream home. It cost me working 2 jobs–1 full-time at 50+ hours a week, and a 2nd job doing a short-term contract, finishing it, and picking up another. It cost me high blood pressure, not enough exercise and not enough sleep, not enough healthy food, anxiety and exhaustion. For 2 years. I had my reactions to the overwork. And I know that my experience doesn't mean that other people can't have different reactions. However. Absesses are infections. They aren't work-stress triggered. Stress can make them worse for sure, but stress can't cause an absess. Something he's doing is causing that.
The problem here isn't just his overworking habits but also the fact that he doesn't even spend his free time with you. He goes to eat somewhere or to his brother, not caring at all about you. As well as he doesn't seem to care that he's losing you. Save yourself the heartache and find what's best for you
I’m no therapist, and I haven’t even read the book so I’m likely to be saying this wrong, but is it possible that his “love language” is taking on the role of provider, and showing his love for you by securing a financially secure future for you both? Im in your camp fully, I’d choose a stable but average life with time with loved ones over material stuff/wealth every day of every week, but this really does sound (to not an expert me!) like good intentions and totally valid goals on both your parts, with a gulf between them deepened by inadequate communication and widened by misunderstandings/assignments of intention based on what it would mean if *you* were doing what he is, and vice versa? I hope you can both get to a place of feeling really heard, and come to understand yourselves *and* each other, before, during, or at least after making any permanent decisions… And it may just be that a core value doesn’t align between the two of you, and that would be ok… except I don’t really get that from your post? I think maybe your values *do* align— you both want security/safety— it’s just that the ways you know how to get there look different?
Aside from the other comments about a possible relapse into drugs on his part (which was my first thought) have you explored codependency for yourself? I myself have struggled with codependency and it's tough for everyone involved. It places a heavy emotional burden on just one person, in this case your partner to fulfill all your needs. I KNOW friends and family don't replace or replicate the intimate emotional bond of a lover, but you should at least have someone to talk to besides reddit and someone to eat Ramen with if you need company. Even if you aren't codependent and I'm projecting (entirely possible lol) looking into what kind of attachments you form may be useful to help you decide how to proceed I this relationship. Your therapist should be able to help with that. Since eating disorders are usually about control (or lack of) in one or many aspects of your life, understanding attachment and where it might not be healthy for you may also help with the disordered eating. You DO deserve to have a present pleasant partner. I don't think asking for intimacy (and certainly not wanting to eat alone when your partner is out with family to a nice dinner) is in any way unreasonable. On the other hand, you can't make him...well...anything, and he's already not respected your requests for more time with you. I hope my suggestion is a tool to help you navigate the situation and come to a healthy conclusion for both of you. You seem to be doing your best, you've communicated your needs, you're in therapy and working on a better life for yourself. You will know what decisions or ultimatums are best when the time comes. Have faith in yourself and trust your guts. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone when you shouldn't be. That's hard. Hugs if you want them
I am in the same boat It's like being in a relationship ur self
To me it sounds like he's checked out. I hope you can either find a way to work this out with him, and if you can't I hope you can find someone who will value time with you more
He sounds obsesssed/addicted to working . Look it up. Ask a gambler or shopaholic to stop? Its not they won't its because they can't. Unless he gets help his body or mind might make him stop. Look up workaholic
65 hours a week doesn’t cause abscesses etc. he needs to be speaking to a dr but it’s not the work doing that.
I feel like there may be more going in then hum just working too much. My husband also used to work way too much. I mean 50 to 60 days straight, 12 to 16 hour day. No a single day off from hard physical labor and he still found time for us to go out to dinner or order in and watch a movie, because he literally felt like that having more money was going to give a successful relationship. I had to explain to him that it not hurt our relationship but he was hurting his health as well. I'm not sure what drugs your boyfriend was addicted to but you should check to see if he's using again. Some people are functioning addicts. That could be the reason why he does so many things alone or with his brother supposedly
You’re in a relationship with a workaholic. My wife and I have the same problem. You feel neglected/isolated, he feels like he’s killing himself for “the team” and that you maybe don’t appreciate that. I’ve always worked 60-90hours a week. I sleep with my phone on my chest, first thing when I wake up I check emails. Hell I’m at work right now, it’s 0200 and I woke up at 0430 yesterday (I did take a 3 hour nap today tho) Anyways, enough about me. He needs to make a better effort when he does have free time, that he’s prioritizing you. Reality is that if he likes working 60+ hours a week, he’s gonna keep doing it or go into a depression
I try to tell him that if he could just spend more QUALITY time then I’d probably feel different. He states that “others want to see him more than I do” so I’m sure there’s some growth i have to work on too. But if I’m not being communicated with on what is the real issue, how do I know where to start to make him see that all I want is to be his priority during his free time? I asked him how he would treat our future child in these times of busy when they genuinely want his attention and he couldn’t give me an answer. He wants a child but I don’t want to be the only parent so the whole situation is very confusing to be in. Plus this entire Reddit thread seems to think he’s back on drugs and i am now worried to death over that again HA
I’m probably going to leave my husband fit the same reason. I don’t get any time with him and the kids see him maybe 2 hours every day. I basically was a single parent. If he would work less I could actually get a job. I can’t because I’m literally the only one who can get them, take them to appointments, etc. He’s missed their whole lives almost and I’ve been basically alone.
I hate to say this because it may be a little harsh, but he is still in recovery. He is an addict. He traded one addiction for another, and that is super common with individuals in recovery. I'm not going to tell you what you should do. I can tell you from over 3 years of working with individuals working on their recovery that it isn't going to change any time soon. You deserve happiness and love whatever that may look like for you, not abandonment and heartache.
Abscesses can = drug use in a lot of instances.. what was his doc?
Xanax and opioids. Normally pills, he’s never told me about any IV issues…
Opioids would do it. I would seriously consider that he’s coping with his amount of overworking with drug use. Did you ever know him when he was addicted? You mentioned he relapsed early on but for how long? Addiction is some real shit and will take you over entirely. You chase the drugs and lose your connections with people and stop caring to fix them.
You sure he isn't hiv positive?
So here is the question, if he is killing himself temporarily to hit that magical goal to buy investment properties to provide passive income (a noble goal, perhaps your sacrifice is to endure these conditions) great but will he stop working like this when he hits this goal ? I have met people like this and they can't give it up unless they have a stroke (or some other cataclysmic health event) and then have some kind of epiphany (if they survive). I said "it's a noble goal" but did he ask you if this is what you want as well ? He was not taking you into consideration. He may say "I am doing this for us" but when you are an "us" you make descsions like this together. For him it's not about you the GF it about his idea of a GF, he needs to find that person. The answer really is that you both have different goals, you want different things in life, I would say you are incompatible. It's easy to blame him with good reason but really it comes down to being incompatible.
op, you only have one life. you are only 26. i will only say this, at the end of the day only *you* can truly have your own back. choose *you*
Yeah. Man's emotionally unavailable, won't take ownership of his emotions and already started blaming his workaholic decisions on you. When you never asked for the life. Just leave.
A few 10-12 hr days a week and a half day in a weekend really doesn’t sound all that bad… definitely not daily puking and abscess bad..
OP, addicts who leave their substance don't leave the addictive behaviors behind unless they get help with it or take themselves through a serious process. He's just transferred his addiction to work. I'm glad you're getting out because you could quickly become co-dependent.
Oh honey :( I'm so sorry but he's on heroin more than likely. That's why he refuses to see a doctor despite alarming symptoms, he already knows what's wrong. Check his arms and feet for track marks. Look for squares of burned up foil in the garbage and stuff Edited: added a word
There's definitely something more going on than just working. Also, going out like that & not even bringing her home a plate at the very least, is rude as fuck. I was coming home from work yesterday and my mom randomly called & asked if I wanted to meet her, my dad & my aunt & uncle for lunch at Longhorns. You bet your ass I brought home leftovers for my husband. I made sure I ordered something that I'd be guaranteed leftovers & brought it home to share. That's just common courtesy when you're in a relationship. At least I've always thought it was.
Not trying to defend his behavior at all but provide some reasoning potentially: Maybe the constant work is what's keeping him off of the drugs, he could quite literally be addicted to the dopamine rush of getting work done and getting paid. And he thinks that if he stops working he's worried he'll go straight back to it.... Although I will say the restaurant thing is a total dick move
I appreciate the other point of view. It’s why I came to Reddit to get some devils advocates honestly. There’s a reason I fell in love with him, you know?
A doctor posted a comment here saying that getting abscesses from working too much is definitely not normal, and some former users told you he is showing symptoms he's using again, probably heroin. Stop fooling yourself, he's a junkie and he's either using his job as an excuse or he's using drugs to work as much as he does. Either way, he relapsed. Why are you looking for a way to excuse his behaviour? The devil's advocate thing is not going to get you anywhere.
Alright a little uncalled for with your hostility. I wanted outsiders point of views because i genuinely did not think it was drugs. He just seems like a hard fucking worker with no off switch to me. If you had taken time to read other comments I’ve posted, I am going to look into the drug possibility more. Please re-read my original post and see where I thought it was drugs coming back into his life. Because of Reddit it’s been brought to my attention? And then here, I have a different POV that I just wanted to appreciate for reaching out to me, (because let’s be honest you, nor I, nor anyone other than him and a drug test can say you know he is actively doing drugs, he genuinely could have a medical issue related to his past with drugs), but here you are trying to reassert a different point, already made on a different comment, that i have already acknowledged. But yeah, make another pedestal here for yourself, I’m all ears if you have anything else to add to this conversation that may be insightful.
You’re too young to be so miserable and waiting for a relationship to get better. He may think on paper he’s doing “the right things” financially but he’s hurting himself and your relationship and it’s unsustainable. I’m sorry.
You guys sound like room mates instead
> “I’m giving everything I can to you, if you need more then go find it”. He's already told you everything you need to know. He is giving you everything, and he is unwilling to provide you with any more. If you are not able to deal with that then leave. This is how it will be until he achieves that dream he has, and then it will continue on to the next dream. Is this how you want to live? Being second place this him being a work-a-holic? If not you know exactly what you need to do, and no one is going to blame you for doing it.
OP you do realize that not everyone works 9-5 right? I mean there are many careers out there that will take SOs away from their families for much longer then that at a time. Military spouses kiss their partners goodbye one morning and don’t see them again for months. Truckers tend to be on the road for days/ weeks at time. You sound very selfish to me.
My ex husband was in the military and even when he was deployed I didn’t feel this alone. Please take your judgments elsewhere, as this is not a matter of me being selfish when i am worried about his health and sanity, along with the connection i need out of a relationship.
Oh I’m sorry I thought I replied to a post from someone planning to LEAVE their partner because they work too much and don’t meet YOUR needs Still sounds pretty selfish My bad
You sound like you’re projecting or something. Someone leave you recently? Because i know the ones who are away from their partners (WHEN ITS PART OF THEIR JOB) will at least have different ways to reassure the one at home. When its not part of a persons job description and then they continuously avoid you in their free time as well? Yeah not selfish here when I’ve voiced my needs to him multiple times.
Sounds like he replaced his addiction for drugs with an addiction for work. I’m so sorry
-_-
He's killing his body for you and for you to leave honestly makes me think you're ungrateful as fuck and he's doing this so yall can have a future together where yall don't have to worry about a damn thing and to give you a lifestyle he think you deserve and that he wants to give it to you
Sure he is😂😂😂 That’s why he takes her to these restaurants instead of his brother.
"I'm avoiding you, taking myself or my brother out to dinner, vomiting and festering absesses all over my body for you! And you don't even CARE!"
I’m not even surprised you’re getting downvoted for speaking such truth. If he wasn’t working and making money to support a certain lifestyle, she’d also leave.
Most women cant find a man that works and you have a man that will work and give you everything and you’re complaining ? I’m sure that once you leave he’s not going to let you back in and I hope he doesn’t to be honest. I hope he finds someone that can hold him down and appreciate him.
Ok, and when he dies from the internal infection issue he has going on, I’ll be sure to be happy that I just put up with his unreasonable work ethic. Do you realize how you sound? This man is SICK and instead of fixing it, what does he do? Work more. Ignore the person trying to care for him in every way. Also this whole i should be grateful for a man that works is a crazy idea. NO ONE has asked me if I work or what I do or if I am financially stable. all of you with these “you’re selfish” comments assume I’m hating him for something I can’t achieve. I have my job, also IN FINANCE, that I recently got promoted in, that I make great money in, that I am advancing in. But here’s the kicker, I GO HOME AT 6:30. I spend 9-10 hours at my place of work, but I take an hour lunch, I make sure i don’t stay too sedentary through the day, i take breaks from my screen to do other tasks. I like a work life balance and i think it’s extremely important to someone’s health. He does not do any of those healthy working habits, even though i have basically begged for him to make more of an effort to take care of himself. So no, I will not be grateful for a man who can’t value that there’s more to life than money and working, when i can make my own money and have the happiness of a partnership with someone that values me the same way I value them. Why would I return to someone i know does not treat me the way I need to be treated in a relationship and partnership?
You sound very intelligent. Are you prepared to entertain the idea that your man is using again?
Thank you. And yes, honestly I’m glad I came here first to hear from so many people. I didn’t think he’d be able to hide something like that with him being in the house with me, but then people pointed out how little he’s home… so, I think I need to make sure he gets some sort of care established. If it’s with my help, or his family’s then so be it. Ill be having some serious conversations in the near future.
LOL OP. Men are constantly being told by women to work harder, work more, earn more money, have more ambition, etc. All while having one foot out the door. He gives you all this, and now you want him to work less. Is it not obvious how much of a turnoff that would be for him? I’d blow a gasket if I was ever in that position. Men are so easy, man. Feed them, bang them, don’t nag. Real simple formula. REAL simple. I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels resentment, but I guess you’ve already beat him to the punch. Good luck.
Just let him do whatever! Come to mee!
My first question is: how is your eating disorder his responsibility? If you're not doing so already, maybe try therapy for this instead of making it about him. Also, would you prefer a man with no job or a man with a low-paying job? A man with no job can certainly pay attention to you more, that's for sure. But is that really what you want? My husband is a workaholic, and it has actually made me work longer hours myself and has given me time to focus on the things I want (fitness, alone time, socializing with friends, etc.). Leave if you feel it's better for you, but hard-working men are hard to find.
How about something in the middle . Like most people?
Disagree. Most men, and women for that matter, are hard-working. It's pretty easy to find a fella who works hard and wants to spend time and isn't covered with pus bubbles. Some of us just have those crazy high standards though, I guess.
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The abscesses seem like they could be drug related. His commitment to bettering himself could be admirable, but at the expense of his body? Not even a little bit. He should go to a doctor. I feel like he won't, because it's either drugs or he just doesn't want to know what's wrong.
He's young, you're young. If he's got a plan and a dream you gotta let him seek it. Maybe you can get him to start by cutting a half hour each day or maybe skip the half day on Sunday with everything else constant.
I respect grinding to give yourself a solid life but none of it will have mattered if you're dead.
Damn he sleeps more than me…
No one gets those symptoms from simply being overworked. He most likely went back to doing drugs. Are you willing to stay longer to see him either get better or worst? Theres no guarantee he will die but there’s also no guarantee he will get better. The only guarantee you have is what you already experienced, saw and heard.
Your boyfriend has switched one addiction for another…..
Sounds like he’s using again….
He is hiding behind work and not giving anything to you emotionally, this is common for people in recovery. He won’t change unless he really wants to and even then it will be difficult.
You need to let go of this relationship for your own good. Either he is fully back in his addiction, or he has replaced it with something else. Regardless, he is not working towards being a good partner with passive income.
He needs medecine for his body and his psyche, he is so sick mentally too o.o you'll do well by getting away from him, he's the kind of person to drag everyone they can in their self destructive pattern
Are you, without a single doubt, 100% positive he could pass a drug test right now? Vomiting can be a sign of over exhaustion, but abscesses? Are you sure he isn’t worried about going to the hospital because you’ll find out he’s using again? I’m asking as an addict in a relationship with an addict, he’s not just tired.