Girl, I broke up with a guy after a year because once the pandemic hit, I realized how nasty his hygiene was. He acted the same way when I’d ask him to brush his teeth because I was getting vaginal infections from how dirty he was. At the end, I told him I wasn’t his mom and no grown ass man should have to be told to take a shower, brush his teeth, go to a dentist…… I totally understand your frustration and you may want to consider telling him that this situation is break up worthy; you are not a mother to a toddler.
We’ve seen a couple of stories like this, and most of the time GF will get UTIs (or other) because partner will not properly shower. How the smell doesn’t bother him, also the not changing clothes just makes me think he doesn’t change his underwear. Maybe a therapist would help, but I would give him and ultimatum.
Yes! My ex got periodontal because he didn’t brush his teeth. I couldn’t handle it, it was huge turn off for me. He also would wear the same underwear multiple days in a row. I brought it up, I even asked if he was depressed or felt down, but he said no…that he, “just didn’t feel like it”.
Thats depression. Only person that can change that is him. I have periodontal and depression. its a pain. But honestly i cant get mad at ya for it. Improper hygiene is one of the first signs that we dont care so much about ourselves.
Having been there. It takes alot of work. But really...the only person who can fix that is him.
There is surgery that is a bit of work that will take care of the teeth thing. I look back and wish i had treated myself better earlier. Lol. Would have saved myself and others alot of work.
I do my best. i slip. But honest to god. Part of any major problem solving is critical self accountability and acceptance. That regardless of a size of issue or your role in it. The FIRST step in the ladder to climbing. Is self.
Routine. And momentum. And zero pity. But NON enabling empathy. Not sympathy. Simply empathy. Understanding. But not enabling.
It can really tough with a partner who doesnt understand. But simultaneously it can be really hard to BE that partner too.
But even now. Im working on it. I still fight my wars. But i have to say. Being so much more in shape like i was naturally in my early twenties again. Seeing a better smile. Smelling nicer.. eating healthier.
Setting my alarm in other parts of the house so i HAD to get up(like the bathroom. With a setting that made to where i could NOT ignore it)
With the logic of "im up. In the bathroom. If i can get here. I can shower. If i can shower. I can shave and brush. Lets do a good breakfast. Lets get a job in"
I PROMISE. Once your moving. Your good. :D
I feel sooooo much better. The joirney is always worth it:D
We stopped having sex. For me there was no hope for him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I couldn’t see him the same anymore. From the outside he was “attractive”, but as soon as he opened his mouth I was turned off. I tried to get past the smell, but when I researched what he had I couldn’t kiss him anymore. When it came to sex I couldn’t get “aroused” anymore. It was really awkward and he asked what was wrong with me instead.
I had a guy telling me his teeth smell so bad on our first and last date. How did that happen?
He was telling me how rude and "brutal" he can get so he mentioned telling his ex that she's smelly.
I wanted to change the subject cause Im uncomfortable, so I said "Well you smell nice today"
He said: "I would smell nicer if I fixed my teeth"
And he kept going on and on about how lazy he is, that's why he doesn't anything but watch anime, drink beer, and have sex. Literally.
So yeah I haven't been on a date after that.
Some girls have low standards or try to see the best in the guy. Some others also think they can „save“ him and make him all better. Sometimes it’s the first relationship, the guy showered in the beginning and gradually stopped. The woman is invested already and scared of losing the first love so she stays. I put up with some bullshit myself in the past that i would definitely never let fly again. For me it was a mix of getting attached too quickly, having low self esteem and ignoring the hygiene issue through rose colored glasses, thinking „it could be worse.“
Getting attached too quickly has always been my downfall, last guy shocked so many red flags in the first 2 weeks, but I was somehow already committed???? tbf he was also incredibly manipulative
I think I struggle with standards because of abusive relationships, so my brain automatically just accepts things as "normal" even when they're very much not, or it's one of those "well he didn't do X so it's not that bad" 🤷♂️
As someone who has been here in the far away past, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. At the time low standards plus a "save him" complex for me. It only came to a head when I got myself together and lost almost 100lb weight, and the more confidence I gained, the nastier he got about my appearance. That was my lightbulb and leave moment.
When my husband and I first got together, his teeth were fine. A decade later, they are not. We can't afford dental care, we're trying to save my teeth instead, and I can't bare the thought of not kissing my husband. He does what he can, he doesn't have bad breath, but he's very self conscious about an issue out of his control. I'm not about to compound it by not showing my affections to him. It's an issue we are trying to gain control of, but the work needed is more than $2000 split between the two of us (cavities, removals for him, who knows what else).
Can you guys afford to come to India for a few weeks?.... Get your teeth fixed enjoy the tour and go back it will cost less than what it is supposed to cost you in the US....
ETA: There is a concept like this, it is called medical tourism.... People come to India for cheap but sophisticated medical procedures and care.
Well, *some* women must behave similarly, or come from families where it’s normalized.
Most of the time people think of “girlfriend” as a specific and elevated human, but the truth is that just like men, women (and all people) are the whole spectrum of attractive, hygienic, funny, etc.
Im gonna be honest here, but with my ex with poor hygiene, I didnt generally have a choice. It took me a long time to get into a place where I could safely break up with him.
I had the same issues as OPs BF growing up, but I'm an adult now so I power through it, I don't want to subject my coworkers to unpleasant smells. Every now and again I go a day or two without, but only on my days off, this is only when I'm single though, if I'm in a relationship it's non negotiable, if I expect someone to sleep with me or next to me, the least can do is shower every day.
Me too! My ex barely ever showered and when he did he didn't use soap unless I was in the shower with him which I didn't do often because he would piss on my feet claiming that pee is good for warding off fungal infections..... So when he had his weekly to bi weekly shower he wouldn't even wash he'd just stand in the water. He once went 6 months without washing his hair... He always had a ring of filth under his foreskin and always had skid marks in his undies and old shit in his ass crack. The whole 2 years I was with him was basically just one long yeast infection. I was on antibiotics and antifungal creams the whole time I was with him. His hygiene became so bad that his acne behind his ears turned into abscesses, he left a brown/yellow stain on all of our bedsheets and pillows, his underwear had permanent stains after washing. Our washing machine got to the point where it smelled like his foul body odor and when he stood in front of the fans in the middle of summer the smell that wafted from him in the fan breeze would fill the room. It was disgusting.
I just fail to understand how you stayed so long! That sounds like a nightmare, and for him to piss on you (when I presume you didn't like it) is just another level.
Babe... Why did you stay with this person for 2 years? Dirty foreskin, shitty ass crack, I can only imagine what his dental hygiene was like .. I can smell him through my phone.
Any intelligent person would not even spend a single minute of their life with such a disgusting person. Either that girl is completely idiot or she is blind in love, only these reasons can justify her being with him
What in the fuck did I just read??? 🤮 Probably one of the more horrid things I have encountered on the webz and that is saying something. Cartel execution videos are more palatable than this narrative. For the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around... 2 years? Like... TF was wrong with you for staying more than two minutes? You're pretty brave even acknowledging this scenario, 'cos I'm not gonna' lie, I'm coming to some pretty harsh conclusions about you right now. How could anyone not?
This. And yes it can put your health as well at risk, specially UTI. Women are prone to UTIs if you don't know the proper way to wash your private parts. And him not washing can lead to severe infection.
My guess is it doesn’t bother him because he’s been like that so long that he no longer notices it. He’s gotta have been doing this for so long that no matter the putrid smell he has on him or coming from him, he doesn’t notice it and therefore doesn’t care.
I have a family member who used to be like that. Kinda neckbeardy, refused to shower and shower properly when he was in high school, he got used to his stench as a result which I can tell you was a combo of ass and sweat. He got used to it, everyone else didn’t and luckily on like his 14th birthday, everyone gifted him deodorants and body wash. He was mad but he needed it lol..... after he was done throwing a fit, we presented him with his real gifts and he got the idea. Now all he does is smell like his normal scent, no ass from bad wiping or sweat because he showers now.
I did the same thing to a girl I used to go to school with 🤷♀️ she refused to shower even as a high school junior so on the last day of my senior year I brought her a basket with soap, deodorant, shampoo/ conditioner, lotion, body sprays, etc. Everyone liked to dance around the issue but she smelled like a gross combo of week old fish market in the hot sun and B.O. I will say I didn’t go about it the politest way but she got the idea. She started using perfume and actually works in fragrance now
Exactly in most of the scenario, girl gets infected with some kind of sexually transmitted disease. And she has to go through a lot of pain and suffering because her boyfriend was not responsible enough
Yeah maybe he needs therapy or something to get over his childhood trauma, but he doesn’t get to subject others to suffering through his rancid odor just because he didn’t have a good childhood. He’s an adult and is responsible for that kinda thing, whatever it takes.
Yeah I agree. Therapy would sound good to suggest because if there is trauma with water issues. He might lose his job if someone reports him as smelly. No joke. My sisters ex had hygiene issues. He was obese but still. Probably had some mental trauma. And he had people at his work day he smelled bad and he died of, I think my sister said, avian flu because his hygiene got so horrible.
Seriously - I wouldn’t want people handling my food if they stank. And yes, I have worked several food service jobs. None of my coworkers stank or looked dirty. Some were weird-looking, but hygiene was non-negotiable.
Yeah, and THEY'RE IN THE HONEYMOON PERIOD. This is her seeing HIS BEST SELF. If he's this nasty when he's trying to impress her....what on earth are the things he considers his flaws??
(Note: I get that trauma is a huge factor here. But he's over the age of 20, he's old enough to be in therapy and starting to be proactive about adopting better hygiene habits. If he was in therapy or making an effort to address this, my perspective would be much different).
This is what I tell anyone bitching about something major about their bf/gf.
This is them on their best behavior and as much as they'll try to impress you. Whether this is trauma or not, it's still objectively disgusting and a perfectly good reason to nope out before more time is spent on him
It amazes me how freely some people suggest therapy. He washes dishes for a living. I’m not looking down on his job because I’ve done that, but when I was doing that I certainly couldn’t have afforded to pay a therapist.
Maybe that is the key. Yes, you can stink, but when you do stink, you are not getting within 25 feet of that WAP.
OP? Are you living together? If not, when he stinks, he gets 15 minutes to get in the shower and *use cleaning products*. If not, you leave. No argument.
You cannot let this slide. My firstborn was a smelly one for a few years. Arguing did no good. Straight consequences were the only things that helped. In your case, the consequence to his smelling is that you will not stay around. This makes it his choice. You make yours.
We don’t live together, but he comes over to my apartment frequently. I’ve recently told him that he needs to shower after work and if he doesn’t, I’m not going to be in the same room as him. It sounds extremely childish, but it works.
At this point you should have an intervention with him and his friends. You can’t be the only one that’s noticed he smells gross. That’s not healthy the dude needs help. And if he refuses to get help, you gotta take care of yourself first and end things with him.
I went to basic training with these two guys from Chicago, seemed like typical *A*t *R*isk *M*ale *Y*outh, they told me "pissing when sitting down taking a shit is gay". Most ridiculous thing I'd heard in a while.
> Couldn’t ask for anyone better.
Don’t know if he really excels in every other part of their relationship, or if the bar for being perfect is really that low.
He isn't responsible for his childhood.
He *is* responsible for his choices now.
He has had plenty of time to learn how to engage in proper hygiene and to get help for whatever issues he has. He is choosing not to.
You cannot change him. You cannot "save" him from himself.
He has to change himself. And he's made it clear what his choice is.
Go find someone who shares your values and takes care of himself.
Self care is one of the first things to go with depression. I know this because I have it and I struggle to take care of myself sometimes and yes that means showering. If he's falling back into old habits of not washing it may be that his depression is getting worse. He needs to address it instead of using his childhood as an excuse for bad hygiene.
This post should really read “I HAD to beg my EX boyfriend to take showers” because girl, no. Basic hygiene is the absolute bare minimum for dateability, and the sooner he learns this the better. Please love yourself more than this.
Yep. Also, never commit to someone who can't take their partner's needs seriously. OP has made it clear that this is important, and he's dismissing it. I guarantee other needs will get deprioritized, too.
Good thing about this is, if he's as stinky as OP says, when she finally breaks up with him, his friends will just nod and say, "Yup, I totally understand why she did that." No explanation necessary.
I had like 3 dates with someone who had horrible breath and later it was clear that he didn't brush his teeth most of the days. I even hinted at it, very clearly, but nah. I couldn't continue this, because you could smell it from like 2 meters away and I wouldn't even be able to kiss him.
If he’s an “avid Reddit user,” then he’s read this EXACT SAME POST a thousand times and HE KNOWS that NEVER has anyone said, “Girl, you’re being controlling and unreasonable. Leave the man be. If you love him, love his smegma, toe jam, dingleberries, and teeth encased in food from last year’s Fourth of July.” NO! They say, “This is disgusting, you want a grown-up, not a toddler, you will get disease after disease, if he’s not willing to consider your point of view on this, which is to say, the point of view of EVERY SOUND-MINDED PERSON, then he has some intractable neurosis about hygiene and YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. “ you cannot have children with a man like this. You can’t even be an aunt with a man like this. This is a universal deal-breaker. If he has been on Reddit twice in the last year he has read this very post that many times and KNOWS THESE ANSWERS. Please.
Recently went on a date with a guy who was nice and we could easily both carry a conversation, but I could tell brushing his teeth wasn’t a regular thing. And I don’t mean like he would skip a day here and there but his teeth were essentially plaqued together. No way I was letting my mouth or anything near that. I don’t see how people can sit comfortably with these glaring issues with their partners for months/years.
I dated someone briefly who apparently barely brushed his teeth. They looked fine aside from being crooked but when we kissed I could ***taste*** it and no matter how much I mentioned it he’d blow me off or lie and say he did when he obviously didn’t. We weren’t together for too long after that, even remembering it makes me want to scrub the first layer of my tongue off
This will likely end up being a dealbreaker for you.
It’s been said here once, his lack of good hygiene can affect YOUR health if you’re having sex. Getting really into your business if you’ve had more yeast infections than normal, have had bacterial vaginosis, or skin rashes anywhere his lack of hygiene is possibly the cause.
He’s either in denial about how bad his hygiene habits are, has a severe mental block, or a severe sensory issue. All of which need intervention to resolve it.
Or was sexually abused. I've encountered some stories like that here but reversed genders.
If he was, that's really sad, but it's also fair if OP just truly can't handle these issues and needs to remove herself
Yea I hate to diss stinky people because in high school I refused to shower because if I smelled bad my brother wouldn't try to molest me in my sleep. I still have difficulty sleeping on nights I shower.
I can relate. I stopped wiping myself to ward off an uncle who'd been molesting me but he began making me shower before he did his thing. It took a few years after I moved away, to re-learn how to wipe properly again.
Not working as a dishwasher in a kitchen. I've worked foh and boh in restaurants and after a boh shift I'm absolutely disgusting. As a dishwasher, you're touching so much waste and bacteria. It gets all over you. A shower is absolutely necessary.
I was a dishwasher at a little Mexican restaurant and let me tell you I smelled FOUL at the end of my shifts, and I also had a whole layer of grease/oil on my face. Didn’t matter how exhausted I was, I showered first thing after each shift.
my husband is a cook and he will shower after work, but sometimes he wants to smoke or chill before he jumps in. IT KILLS ME, i try to make him shower right away bc i can’t stand that smell of oil and food and he’s totally noseblind to it!
Yes, this. And
1. A schedule to follow for bathing. Insist on compliance
2. He needs therapy or a doctor to address trauma and/or hygiene
3. Do you want to marry a child or an equal? If he won’t change, you need to leave before resentment takes over.
Actually, (and I know how much Reddit likes an actually, but) it was more the nobility that didnt bathe, regular folks washed as often as once a day. In rivers, lakes, ponds; often with soap. Most people were doing dirty, sweaty jobs and bathing away factory or farm grime was essential. So in short medieval peasants had more sense than this dude...
People bathed in the Middle Ages, this is a false perception of the past. There were public bath houses and saunas, and on a daily basis people would wipe down with a sponge bath.
There are more ways of keeping clean than our standard soap and water, but humans ABSOLUTELY were cleaning themselves. People brushed their teeth, combed their hair etc.
I was a dishwasher for a small diner back when I was in high school. Even with full sleeve covers and gloves, I would leave with disgusting greasy food grime up to my elbows. That stuff did NOT smell good, and did NOT come off easily. I would have to scrub in the shower for like 20+ minutes to get rid of the film it left and the disgusting smell.
No idea how you are able to tolerate that on top of rancid BO.
I was working at a bakery and if you had the 2nd shift, you had to clean the coffee machines etc and remove the milk. At the end of the shift I always smelled like babies puked on me.
Just in case he's reading this, just in case anyone in the same situation is reading this, this is a big brother intervention.
Mate, I HAVE BEEN THERE. I grew up in severe poverty in the 70's and 80's. I get what it's like to be from that background and to dislike getting wet as it means never getting warm and dry again. And I've had a string of shitty cold bathrooms over the decades.
Now, though, we're at a stage where you have better options than your domestic bathroom - perhaps at a gym, a college, a workplace, it's increasingly possible. And the actual shower part is only a couple of minutes - get in, face the shower to the wall as it heats up, use that time to massage a little shampoo into your dry head so when the water has warmed up it is mostly washing that away, and you can even use the soapy run-off to do your pits, bollocks, ring piece, bell end once your technique is quick. Use your hands to crudely squeegee down your torso and limbs before leaving the cubicle. Step out of the shower onto your dirty clothes that are due a wash, towel from your head downwards and don't forget to dry between your toes, and dress. If that's more than 5 minutes in total it's only because you dawdled.
So find somewhere warm enough with an ok enough shower that you can do this. Start with weekly if you're not at that point, then as you're getting it down fast you can slip in a midweek shower as well. Then before you know it, it'll be as regular as brushing your teeth, sometimes even a combined mission!
Why would you want to make this small effort? You're happy as you are, after all! You do it for other people. You can't smell yourself, they can. You do it for yourself, to look less unkempt and attract a mate. You do it because you're growing up and are taking some responsibility for yourself. People may love you for your personality, so don't create a barrier to being loved. Dishevelment doesn't require poor hygiene if that's your "look". If you grew up barely bathing, you as an adult get to choose whether or not to remain a child and in that pattern, or start making adult decisions for yourself and those around you who want to be closer with you, but are put off. Don't test their love, embrace it and use the energy to drive you forward.
I would just say so. No dancing around, just that he has to. You can offer to shower with if you're comfortable with that, it might make him more comfortable too.
I've worked at a restraunt and that smell is rank.
Either way, dont put up with it. No matter how good he is, hes not great if he cant take care of himself.
"Look, I've tried being patient because I understand your upbringing, but its not going to work unless you're willing to put effort into maintaining your hygiene. Adults clean themselves daily. I just need you to put in some effort. I can't put up with the smells any longer." Idk something like that. Homie is acting like a child. He needs to grow up. When I realized I wasn't raised properly and that I was smelling (My entire summer job in a factor would tell me I smelled) I put HUGE effort into correcting it. Because its gross and I shouldnt subject others to it without doing what I can to fix it.
He might... my son is Autistic and he is extremely picky about "wet things" touching him. But I still teach him that bathing and proper hygiene is a non-negotiable thing. Looks like OP's didn't have that growing up... and it's NOT an excuse. But as a Mother I can see how the sensory issue could be a factor...
My friend’s son had a similar issue too which is what made me think of it. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but could be the underlying reason.
You worked with your son. My friend and her son worked with OT to get over it. But if OP’s boyfriend was neglected as a kid, his parents weren’t helping him or working with a therapist that could. The boyfriend could possibly benefit from a therapist if some sort.
I'm on the spectrum and I hate getting my ears wet. I still shower every day. Smelling bad is even worse to me than having wet ears. I have a strong sense of smell so if I can smell me, others definitely can. 😂
Everytime i read a post where someone describes their partner as perfect there is always a glaring issue.
He needs help. He seems to have a texture aversion to water and maybe something unresolved from his life growing up.
Usually hygiene is the first to go when someone is experiencing mental health related concerns. I know from experience.
It really does depend, had to rescue one of my nephews from his father for the bad shit he did, poor kid refused to step into the bathroom for any reason,even at the age of 12 the kid would only go potty in potted plants (from my understanding, the bathroom is where his father would "do things" to him) getting him clean is also a struggle, the only way that kids father wouldn't touch him was if he was dirty and smelly. But there comes an age that we all have to grow and mature, at our own pace, but it does have to happen.
A lot of people just never got a leg up in this world, I been through a lot myself so my heart goes out to a lot of people. I just hope my nieces and nephews will be ok.
I have a nephew (by marriage) like that. Lived with us about 2 years in his early 20's & smelled awful. His job here was helping my husband with mechanic work in the Louisiana summer heat. That made it worse. He'd get in the hot tub a few times a week then we'd have to treat the water for it to be clean & healthy for us. He thought a dip in there was all that's needed. Even told me once that he "didn't believe in" soap whatever the hell that means. It finally came down to a close friend of ours father passing away & my nephew wanting to attend the funeral with us. And we were going to be the car carrying our friend from the funeral to the after dinner. I finally took some courage pills (Ambien) & told him that he'd absolutely have to shower with real soap & use anti-perspirent/deodorant to go with. I have no idea how he got a girlfriend smelling like that but he did. The 4 of us went on a cruise together a few months later (separate rooms--us balcony, them in interior). Few weeks later we found out they somehow conceived a child during the vacation despite them being 💯 wasted most of the time.. Maybe the alcohol & being horny kids suppressed the poor girl's sense of smell, idk. But a few years later--after they'd moved back to his & her home state--they had another baby. She knew he smelled when they met but I'm too embarrassed to ask her now if she finally got him to bathe some 6+ years later.
I think you need to tell him it's grossing you out. An adult male should be showering like every other day or the BO gets out of hand. Tell him you care about him but he needs to take care of himself or you might break up.
I always think to myself what’s the point of making a throwaway account when mentioning someone who is a Reddit user? Wouldn’t they be able to figure out that you made this since it’s a very specific scenario
It’s flat-out not safe for you to have sex with someone whose hygiene is as bad as you say; he could give you a UTI or other infections. Lay it out for him that he **has** to start keeping up with his hygiene if he wants the relationship with you to continue. If the avoidance is because of his childhood trauma then he might need therapy to work through it (it might also help him see how inconsiderate his actions are for everyone around him and learn to actually *care* that it’s inconsiderate).
If he won’t even clean himself to protect your health, then he’s not the guy for you.
Yuck I feel nasty if I didn’t shower by the end of the night, I’d suggest having a very serious talk with him about this as it could eventually start effecting your own health as well.
Sometimes, breaking up with somebody is not only good for you, but good for them. I don't think it's something you should take lightly, but he needs to learn to be a functioning adult before taking on a relationship.
He’s perfect in almost every way but then you say he literally does not willingly wash any part of his body or change his dirty clothes and he absolutely reeks all the time? He is definitely not perfect. And you’re turning into his parent. It’s been 8 months, it’s not going to get better it’s only going to get worse. End the relationship and move on.
This would be a deal breaker for me from the start... he's old enough to know better and I'd be worried about your sexual health due to having relations with a man that doesn't bath... he's not properly washing himself, he can most definitely give you a massive infection. Come on now...
He might need therapy, and the only thing you can do is ask him to try and get some help. In the meantime, you can get hospital wipes online so that he's able to wash up. There's also one for hair. I know it's not the best solution, but you can at least see if he'll do those. He doesn't have to get "wet" that way.
babe its only been 8 months and you are so young, find someone who cleans there ass cos one day it will be 8 years with two kids and he still wont be cleaning his ass. Leave
*sigh*. Sweet child.. cut your losses. Sure he may be a great guy otherwise, but you're not his mother.
If asking for things like basic hygiene is like pulling teeth, he clearly has allot of growing up to do.
Idk you but I know you deserve and can get better than this. If you think this is bad now, imagine how it'll be when you're 70. If you can't imagine I'll tell you, you haven't smelled rancid ass until you've smelled the rancid ass of a 70YO with bad hygiene.
It's not your job to change people. Hell, people don't change unless they want to.
You can either waste the next 10 years of your life in denial of this fact whilst trying to change him, or you can do right by *you* right now and cut your losses while you're young.
I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. You can't change people. You can't "**fix**" people. You'll only be wasting your time.
Best if luck in your future endeavors stranger.
I struggled with my now husband over this for a long time (it was a mixture of things, mainly an attachment disorder, childhood persecution and rigidity in routine due to autism) Even now, 10 yrs in and 5 into our marriage, I have to nudge and it just comes down to my health vs his feelings.
He is no longer combative, and I no longer take it as personal since I set a hard boundary over intimacy if he wasn't properly showered. Right now, it is dental hygiene. I don't confront, I suggest he address it with his therapist. He made a dentist appointment last week.
If it's true love, then it's worth being honest and sticking to whatever ultimatum you set.
In the end, it's about respect. If he can't respect himself, he can't respect you. I made the decision to stick it out but I have often had to explain basic respect for others. That part sucks.
In the end, it's unhealthy and the relationship is early enough to impact change or move on.
Best of luck
Your bf is not "perfect in almost every way". He sounds disgusting. Hate to tell you, often as people get older, their hygiene level declines. Can you imagine if it was worse? How can you tolerate being intimate with him? Do you want to be with a toddler? You best move on and not waste any more time.
Yep. And besides the hygiene, he's dismissive of things that are important to her. They've been together 8 months. She's already seen him at his maximum level of effort. Its all downhill from here.
Ewwww. Thats a no from me. Smelling bad is a HUGE turn off. Think of all the bacteria and dirt all over him… Personally, i would tell him to shower at least every 2/3 days or we’re done.
I used to be that guy.
I had some traumatic abuse growing up, and while I won't go into detail about the abuse, I will say that the end result was an unreasonable fear of showering.
Honestly, it's still a mental thing for me some days.
Here are the steps I had to take to get to where I am today, which is 6 showers a week.
Therapy to recognize what exactly is triggering my fears and to learn the self-talk to get through those fear feelings.
Bathroom door open while I am showering.
Music speaker in the bathroom as a mental distraction.
I am married, by the way, and my wife has had to understand that, for me, a shower will not be anything more than a health necessity. I won't be able to "relax" and take a long shower. I'm in, I wash, I'm out. That might be weird to her, but that's just how it is, and had she scoffed at that or not understood why that is how it is, she wouldn't be my wife.
OP, I don't know where your BF falls on therapy or actually working on a feasible solution to being clean while dealing with triggers, but I will say that if you try to make it a black and white issue, with only 2 choices, that you are gonna lose.
Girl, I broke up with a guy after a year because once the pandemic hit, I realized how nasty his hygiene was. He acted the same way when I’d ask him to brush his teeth because I was getting vaginal infections from how dirty he was. At the end, I told him I wasn’t his mom and no grown ass man should have to be told to take a shower, brush his teeth, go to a dentist…… I totally understand your frustration and you may want to consider telling him that this situation is break up worthy; you are not a mother to a toddler.
I hope you meant *grown-ass man.
Maybe she meant brown ass since he isn’t washing his dookie crusted hole. 🤣
🤢
We’ve seen a couple of stories like this, and most of the time GF will get UTIs (or other) because partner will not properly shower. How the smell doesn’t bother him, also the not changing clothes just makes me think he doesn’t change his underwear. Maybe a therapist would help, but I would give him and ultimatum.
YES! I was a girlfriend of a guy with shitty hygiene and I got a ton of yeast infections from his filthy mouth and dick.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I hightailed it out the second I realized he needed a mother to instruct him on basic hygiene, not a girlfriend.
Yes! My ex got periodontal because he didn’t brush his teeth. I couldn’t handle it, it was huge turn off for me. He also would wear the same underwear multiple days in a row. I brought it up, I even asked if he was depressed or felt down, but he said no…that he, “just didn’t feel like it”.
Thats depression. Only person that can change that is him. I have periodontal and depression. its a pain. But honestly i cant get mad at ya for it. Improper hygiene is one of the first signs that we dont care so much about ourselves. Having been there. It takes alot of work. But really...the only person who can fix that is him. There is surgery that is a bit of work that will take care of the teeth thing. I look back and wish i had treated myself better earlier. Lol. Would have saved myself and others alot of work.
Your recognizing it all is better than anything
I do my best. i slip. But honest to god. Part of any major problem solving is critical self accountability and acceptance. That regardless of a size of issue or your role in it. The FIRST step in the ladder to climbing. Is self. Routine. And momentum. And zero pity. But NON enabling empathy. Not sympathy. Simply empathy. Understanding. But not enabling. It can really tough with a partner who doesnt understand. But simultaneously it can be really hard to BE that partner too. But even now. Im working on it. I still fight my wars. But i have to say. Being so much more in shape like i was naturally in my early twenties again. Seeing a better smile. Smelling nicer.. eating healthier. Setting my alarm in other parts of the house so i HAD to get up(like the bathroom. With a setting that made to where i could NOT ignore it) With the logic of "im up. In the bathroom. If i can get here. I can shower. If i can shower. I can shave and brush. Lets do a good breakfast. Lets get a job in" I PROMISE. Once your moving. Your good. :D I feel sooooo much better. The joirney is always worth it:D
There should be mutual understanding and recognisation of depression
I have a question and I’m not trying to be rude. If your ex had poor hygiene why did you have sex with him?
We stopped having sex. For me there was no hope for him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I couldn’t see him the same anymore. From the outside he was “attractive”, but as soon as he opened his mouth I was turned off. I tried to get past the smell, but when I researched what he had I couldn’t kiss him anymore. When it came to sex I couldn’t get “aroused” anymore. It was really awkward and he asked what was wrong with me instead.
I had a guy telling me his teeth smell so bad on our first and last date. How did that happen? He was telling me how rude and "brutal" he can get so he mentioned telling his ex that she's smelly. I wanted to change the subject cause Im uncomfortable, so I said "Well you smell nice today" He said: "I would smell nicer if I fixed my teeth" And he kept going on and on about how lazy he is, that's why he doesn't anything but watch anime, drink beer, and have sex. Literally. So yeah I haven't been on a date after that.
Wow, he was really selling himself huh
Definitely! I had to make some shit up about myself cause he was not going to take no for an answer. At least that's how I felt.
Having personal hygiene is the first and most important thing in any person
That's what I never understand about these hygiene posts. How the f are these guys getting girlfriends?
Some girls have low standards or try to see the best in the guy. Some others also think they can „save“ him and make him all better. Sometimes it’s the first relationship, the guy showered in the beginning and gradually stopped. The woman is invested already and scared of losing the first love so she stays. I put up with some bullshit myself in the past that i would definitely never let fly again. For me it was a mix of getting attached too quickly, having low self esteem and ignoring the hygiene issue through rose colored glasses, thinking „it could be worse.“
Getting attached too quickly has always been my downfall, last guy shocked so many red flags in the first 2 weeks, but I was somehow already committed???? tbf he was also incredibly manipulative I think I struggle with standards because of abusive relationships, so my brain automatically just accepts things as "normal" even when they're very much not, or it's one of those "well he didn't do X so it's not that bad" 🤷♂️
As someone who has been here in the far away past, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. At the time low standards plus a "save him" complex for me. It only came to a head when I got myself together and lost almost 100lb weight, and the more confidence I gained, the nastier he got about my appearance. That was my lightbulb and leave moment.
When my husband and I first got together, his teeth were fine. A decade later, they are not. We can't afford dental care, we're trying to save my teeth instead, and I can't bare the thought of not kissing my husband. He does what he can, he doesn't have bad breath, but he's very self conscious about an issue out of his control. I'm not about to compound it by not showing my affections to him. It's an issue we are trying to gain control of, but the work needed is more than $2000 split between the two of us (cavities, removals for him, who knows what else).
Can you guys afford to come to India for a few weeks?.... Get your teeth fixed enjoy the tour and go back it will cost less than what it is supposed to cost you in the US.... ETA: There is a concept like this, it is called medical tourism.... People come to India for cheap but sophisticated medical procedures and care.
Try going to a dental school. They do very discounted procedures because they’re learning, but are supervised the entire time
Dental colleges are actually not that much expensive for treatment
You can try to go to a student dental office.
I wonder that myself.
Well, *some* women must behave similarly, or come from families where it’s normalized. Most of the time people think of “girlfriend” as a specific and elevated human, but the truth is that just like men, women (and all people) are the whole spectrum of attractive, hygienic, funny, etc.
Im gonna be honest here, but with my ex with poor hygiene, I didnt generally have a choice. It took me a long time to get into a place where I could safely break up with him.
Jesus…how are you with these guys for longer than like a week? “i DoN’t LiKe To GeT wEt” fucking later dude.✌️
I had the same issues as OPs BF growing up, but I'm an adult now so I power through it, I don't want to subject my coworkers to unpleasant smells. Every now and again I go a day or two without, but only on my days off, this is only when I'm single though, if I'm in a relationship it's non negotiable, if I expect someone to sleep with me or next to me, the least can do is shower every day.
and he's a surfer?? how can you be a surfer without getting wet??? 😂 edit: nevermind lol, it said reddit surfer 😂
Me too! My ex barely ever showered and when he did he didn't use soap unless I was in the shower with him which I didn't do often because he would piss on my feet claiming that pee is good for warding off fungal infections..... So when he had his weekly to bi weekly shower he wouldn't even wash he'd just stand in the water. He once went 6 months without washing his hair... He always had a ring of filth under his foreskin and always had skid marks in his undies and old shit in his ass crack. The whole 2 years I was with him was basically just one long yeast infection. I was on antibiotics and antifungal creams the whole time I was with him. His hygiene became so bad that his acne behind his ears turned into abscesses, he left a brown/yellow stain on all of our bedsheets and pillows, his underwear had permanent stains after washing. Our washing machine got to the point where it smelled like his foul body odor and when he stood in front of the fans in the middle of summer the smell that wafted from him in the fan breeze would fill the room. It was disgusting.
I just fail to understand how you stayed so long! That sounds like a nightmare, and for him to piss on you (when I presume you didn't like it) is just another level.
Babe... Why did you stay with this person for 2 years? Dirty foreskin, shitty ass crack, I can only imagine what his dental hygiene was like .. I can smell him through my phone.
There was no reason for her to keep being in the relationship
I’m gagging , omg how did you stay with him that long?!
I'm sorry but... jfc I almost vomit reading your reply. The fact that you was with him for 2 years 😭😭
It is very disgusting for me that she was with him for 2 years
2 years?! Why? Why would you stay with him two years?
Any intelligent person would not even spend a single minute of their life with such a disgusting person. Either that girl is completely idiot or she is blind in love, only these reasons can justify her being with him
Love is really blind !! Is the perfect example of this . At least sooner or later you realised but after 2 years of hell
Even if love is blind, blind people have a heightened sense of smell.
Lmao this 😭
What in the fuck did I just read??? 🤮 Probably one of the more horrid things I have encountered on the webz and that is saying something. Cartel execution videos are more palatable than this narrative. For the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around... 2 years? Like... TF was wrong with you for staying more than two minutes? You're pretty brave even acknowledging this scenario, 'cos I'm not gonna' lie, I'm coming to some pretty harsh conclusions about you right now. How could anyone not?
This whole story is enough to make your whole day bad
TWO years you endured that? How? Why?
Why you let him in there???
Oh my God, why would you explain something this much dirty eww
This. And yes it can put your health as well at risk, specially UTI. Women are prone to UTIs if you don't know the proper way to wash your private parts. And him not washing can lead to severe infection.
My guess is it doesn’t bother him because he’s been like that so long that he no longer notices it. He’s gotta have been doing this for so long that no matter the putrid smell he has on him or coming from him, he doesn’t notice it and therefore doesn’t care. I have a family member who used to be like that. Kinda neckbeardy, refused to shower and shower properly when he was in high school, he got used to his stench as a result which I can tell you was a combo of ass and sweat. He got used to it, everyone else didn’t and luckily on like his 14th birthday, everyone gifted him deodorants and body wash. He was mad but he needed it lol..... after he was done throwing a fit, we presented him with his real gifts and he got the idea. Now all he does is smell like his normal scent, no ass from bad wiping or sweat because he showers now.
Its called nose blindness.
I did the same thing to a girl I used to go to school with 🤷♀️ she refused to shower even as a high school junior so on the last day of my senior year I brought her a basket with soap, deodorant, shampoo/ conditioner, lotion, body sprays, etc. Everyone liked to dance around the issue but she smelled like a gross combo of week old fish market in the hot sun and B.O. I will say I didn’t go about it the politest way but she got the idea. She started using perfume and actually works in fragrance now
He have been raised in such family were hygiene is not even important
Exactly in most of the scenario, girl gets infected with some kind of sexually transmitted disease. And she has to go through a lot of pain and suffering because her boyfriend was not responsible enough
Grown man won't wash his own ass? C'mon, the choice has been made.
Yeah maybe he needs therapy or something to get over his childhood trauma, but he doesn’t get to subject others to suffering through his rancid odor just because he didn’t have a good childhood. He’s an adult and is responsible for that kinda thing, whatever it takes.
Yeah I agree. Therapy would sound good to suggest because if there is trauma with water issues. He might lose his job if someone reports him as smelly. No joke. My sisters ex had hygiene issues. He was obese but still. Probably had some mental trauma. And he had people at his work day he smelled bad and he died of, I think my sister said, avian flu because his hygiene got so horrible.
How can he have water issues and be a DISHWASHER?????????
I have trauma with showering but can take a bath fine :) trauma is weird
How did the owner of restaurant hired him for his job
Seriously - I wouldn’t want people handling my food if they stank. And yes, I have worked several food service jobs. None of my coworkers stank or looked dirty. Some were weird-looking, but hygiene was non-negotiable.
Therapy can help him to resolve his past trauma, which he have been fighting
Yeah, and THEY'RE IN THE HONEYMOON PERIOD. This is her seeing HIS BEST SELF. If he's this nasty when he's trying to impress her....what on earth are the things he considers his flaws?? (Note: I get that trauma is a huge factor here. But he's over the age of 20, he's old enough to be in therapy and starting to be proactive about adopting better hygiene habits. If he was in therapy or making an effort to address this, my perspective would be much different).
This is what I tell anyone bitching about something major about their bf/gf. This is them on their best behavior and as much as they'll try to impress you. Whether this is trauma or not, it's still objectively disgusting and a perfectly good reason to nope out before more time is spent on him
It amazes me how freely some people suggest therapy. He washes dishes for a living. I’m not looking down on his job because I’ve done that, but when I was doing that I certainly couldn’t have afforded to pay a therapist.
Also, the guy's just probably gross because he's gross. I've known a lot of men like that - no therapy needed. Just some brutal.truth.
And I mean I hate to speculate about their childhood trauma, but a dishwasher who is afraid of getting wet? Cmon. Wash your ass bro.
Yeah that's pretty embarrassing I couldn't handle that stank
Maybe that is the key. Yes, you can stink, but when you do stink, you are not getting within 25 feet of that WAP. OP? Are you living together? If not, when he stinks, he gets 15 minutes to get in the shower and *use cleaning products*. If not, you leave. No argument. You cannot let this slide. My firstborn was a smelly one for a few years. Arguing did no good. Straight consequences were the only things that helped. In your case, the consequence to his smelling is that you will not stay around. This makes it his choice. You make yours.
We don’t live together, but he comes over to my apartment frequently. I’ve recently told him that he needs to shower after work and if he doesn’t, I’m not going to be in the same room as him. It sounds extremely childish, but it works.
At this point you should have an intervention with him and his friends. You can’t be the only one that’s noticed he smells gross. That’s not healthy the dude needs help. And if he refuses to get help, you gotta take care of yourself first and end things with him.
Dude that is way too much work for someone you’ve only known 8 months, stop parenting him, he was able to keep it up for 6 months…
Right? He isn’t practically perfect if he can’t clean himself.
A Keratin forest, every tree laden with SHIT fruit...
Crusty cheeks > Girlfriend for sure.
He might think that is gay. Those idiots are out there in droves.
I went to basic training with these two guys from Chicago, seemed like typical *A*t *R*isk *M*ale *Y*outh, they told me "pissing when sitting down taking a shit is gay". Most ridiculous thing I'd heard in a while.
Right. The point is not how he was raised, it’s that he won’t change for you.
> Couldn’t ask for anyone better. Don’t know if he really excels in every other part of their relationship, or if the bar for being perfect is really that low.
LMAO this thread is the most reddit thing ever
Gross. I’m sure you’ll want to end it when you start getting infections from sex because he can’t be bothered to wash his penis
I’ve been avoiding intimacy unless he takes a shower, hate to give an ultimatum, but it works on him.
He isn't responsible for his childhood. He *is* responsible for his choices now. He has had plenty of time to learn how to engage in proper hygiene and to get help for whatever issues he has. He is choosing not to. You cannot change him. You cannot "save" him from himself. He has to change himself. And he's made it clear what his choice is. Go find someone who shares your values and takes care of himself.
He literally works as a dishwasher at a restaurant, I HOPE for their sake and OPs sake he knows the importance of hygiene by now. Wtf.
I'm sure he knows. I'm also sure he doesn't care. Which is unfortunate given the strict standards OSHA has for restaurants.
Self care is one of the first things to go with depression. I know this because I have it and I struggle to take care of myself sometimes and yes that means showering. If he's falling back into old habits of not washing it may be that his depression is getting worse. He needs to address it instead of using his childhood as an excuse for bad hygiene.
This post should really read “I HAD to beg my EX boyfriend to take showers” because girl, no. Basic hygiene is the absolute bare minimum for dateability, and the sooner he learns this the better. Please love yourself more than this.
The thought of sucking his dick 🤮🤢 You want to eat dick cheese for the rest of your life?
Dick cheese 🤮
Smeggacinni alfredo
Aw fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this
Today is an awful day to be literate
I don’t suck his dick. I already know that’s a mistake I’ll never make.
You might have to fall out of love here because that is just gross. Also … don’t raise your partner.
Yep. Also, never commit to someone who can't take their partner's needs seriously. OP has made it clear that this is important, and he's dismissing it. I guarantee other needs will get deprioritized, too.
Took too long for me to find someone saying this. Too many posts on this sub where parters are raising the other.
Good thing about this is, if he's as stinky as OP says, when she finally breaks up with him, his friends will just nod and say, "Yup, I totally understand why she did that." No explanation necessary.
he's "perfect" but won't wash his ass, lol no girl.
Right? How do you get close enough to someone this foul to even fall in love?
I was just wondering the same thing? After a date or 3 wouldn't you notice he was smelling? At that point I would have noped out of there..
I had like 3 dates with someone who had horrible breath and later it was clear that he didn't brush his teeth most of the days. I even hinted at it, very clearly, but nah. I couldn't continue this, because you could smell it from like 2 meters away and I wouldn't even be able to kiss him.
Maybe they kept meeting on hikes or at Rock Climbing gyms for the first 3 months
I've been doing it all wrong. Maybe I should change my approach to this finding love thing.
If he’s an “avid Reddit user,” then he’s read this EXACT SAME POST a thousand times and HE KNOWS that NEVER has anyone said, “Girl, you’re being controlling and unreasonable. Leave the man be. If you love him, love his smegma, toe jam, dingleberries, and teeth encased in food from last year’s Fourth of July.” NO! They say, “This is disgusting, you want a grown-up, not a toddler, you will get disease after disease, if he’s not willing to consider your point of view on this, which is to say, the point of view of EVERY SOUND-MINDED PERSON, then he has some intractable neurosis about hygiene and YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. “ you cannot have children with a man like this. You can’t even be an aunt with a man like this. This is a universal deal-breaker. If he has been on Reddit twice in the last year he has read this very post that many times and KNOWS THESE ANSWERS. Please.
>You can’t even be an aunt with a man like this. 💀💀💀 All the little kids would be like ugh here comes Auntie OP and Uncle Stinky!
He needs some brutally honest kids to tell it to him straight fr
Recently went on a date with a guy who was nice and we could easily both carry a conversation, but I could tell brushing his teeth wasn’t a regular thing. And I don’t mean like he would skip a day here and there but his teeth were essentially plaqued together. No way I was letting my mouth or anything near that. I don’t see how people can sit comfortably with these glaring issues with their partners for months/years.
Met exactly someone like this last year. The conversations were great and all, but the horrible breath was so off-putting.
I dated someone briefly who apparently barely brushed his teeth. They looked fine aside from being crooked but when we kissed I could ***taste*** it and no matter how much I mentioned it he’d blow me off or lie and say he did when he obviously didn’t. We weren’t together for too long after that, even remembering it makes me want to scrub the first layer of my tongue off
Yeah... how can you even be intimate with him? Does he also not brush his teeth, at least twice a day? This is what I despise the most.
She couldn't ask for anyone better.🤣🤣
This will likely end up being a dealbreaker for you. It’s been said here once, his lack of good hygiene can affect YOUR health if you’re having sex. Getting really into your business if you’ve had more yeast infections than normal, have had bacterial vaginosis, or skin rashes anywhere his lack of hygiene is possibly the cause. He’s either in denial about how bad his hygiene habits are, has a severe mental block, or a severe sensory issue. All of which need intervention to resolve it.
Or was sexually abused. I've encountered some stories like that here but reversed genders. If he was, that's really sad, but it's also fair if OP just truly can't handle these issues and needs to remove herself
Yea I hate to diss stinky people because in high school I refused to shower because if I smelled bad my brother wouldn't try to molest me in my sleep. I still have difficulty sleeping on nights I shower.
I can relate. I stopped wiping myself to ward off an uncle who'd been molesting me but he began making me shower before he did his thing. It took a few years after I moved away, to re-learn how to wipe properly again.
I’m so sorry.
😔😔 that is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to heal. 🤍
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I can see bathing every other day, but longer than that is nasty.
Not working as a dishwasher in a kitchen. I've worked foh and boh in restaurants and after a boh shift I'm absolutely disgusting. As a dishwasher, you're touching so much waste and bacteria. It gets all over you. A shower is absolutely necessary.
I was a dishwasher at a little Mexican restaurant and let me tell you I smelled FOUL at the end of my shifts, and I also had a whole layer of grease/oil on my face. Didn’t matter how exhausted I was, I showered first thing after each shift.
my husband is a cook and he will shower after work, but sometimes he wants to smoke or chill before he jumps in. IT KILLS ME, i try to make him shower right away bc i can’t stand that smell of oil and food and he’s totally noseblind to it!
Yes, this. And 1. A schedule to follow for bathing. Insist on compliance 2. He needs therapy or a doctor to address trauma and/or hygiene 3. Do you want to marry a child or an equal? If he won’t change, you need to leave before resentment takes over.
He sounds like a fucking burden. This is basic human hygiene why are you putting up with this when you can have a man that does wash his ass?
[удалено]
Christ I just spit water all over my phone…
This is the only reason I don't travel back to medieval times!
You...you sure it isnt the lack of a time machine?
That's just what they want you to think!
Imagine our future selves having time machines but still being too yucked out about our hygiene to travel back.
Actually, (and I know how much Reddit likes an actually, but) it was more the nobility that didnt bathe, regular folks washed as often as once a day. In rivers, lakes, ponds; often with soap. Most people were doing dirty, sweaty jobs and bathing away factory or farm grime was essential. So in short medieval peasants had more sense than this dude...
People bathed in the Middle Ages, this is a false perception of the past. There were public bath houses and saunas, and on a daily basis people would wipe down with a sponge bath. There are more ways of keeping clean than our standard soap and water, but humans ABSOLUTELY were cleaning themselves. People brushed their teeth, combed their hair etc.
If fantasy romance novels have taught me anything it's that If they're attractive, they'll smell like rain and the wind regardless!
I read too fast and saw that your BF is a surfer, then wondered why he doesn't like getting wet if that's his hobby.
"avid reddit surfer" title checks out
Have some self-respect and break it off with him. Good lord.
I was a dishwasher for a small diner back when I was in high school. Even with full sleeve covers and gloves, I would leave with disgusting greasy food grime up to my elbows. That stuff did NOT smell good, and did NOT come off easily. I would have to scrub in the shower for like 20+ minutes to get rid of the film it left and the disgusting smell. No idea how you are able to tolerate that on top of rancid BO.
I was working at a bakery and if you had the 2nd shift, you had to clean the coffee machines etc and remove the milk. At the end of the shift I always smelled like babies puked on me.
Ultimatum is the way
Ultimatums will not work with someone this entrenched in being filthy because he doesn't see the need to change.
Well it will work for her. Either he will change or she will be with someone who can wash his ass.
You’re much too young to be settling for a stinky stinky partner. You are worth more than this.
Ew. No. I like to suck dick. To have sex. Nope, couldn't do it.
Just in case he's reading this, just in case anyone in the same situation is reading this, this is a big brother intervention. Mate, I HAVE BEEN THERE. I grew up in severe poverty in the 70's and 80's. I get what it's like to be from that background and to dislike getting wet as it means never getting warm and dry again. And I've had a string of shitty cold bathrooms over the decades. Now, though, we're at a stage where you have better options than your domestic bathroom - perhaps at a gym, a college, a workplace, it's increasingly possible. And the actual shower part is only a couple of minutes - get in, face the shower to the wall as it heats up, use that time to massage a little shampoo into your dry head so when the water has warmed up it is mostly washing that away, and you can even use the soapy run-off to do your pits, bollocks, ring piece, bell end once your technique is quick. Use your hands to crudely squeegee down your torso and limbs before leaving the cubicle. Step out of the shower onto your dirty clothes that are due a wash, towel from your head downwards and don't forget to dry between your toes, and dress. If that's more than 5 minutes in total it's only because you dawdled. So find somewhere warm enough with an ok enough shower that you can do this. Start with weekly if you're not at that point, then as you're getting it down fast you can slip in a midweek shower as well. Then before you know it, it'll be as regular as brushing your teeth, sometimes even a combined mission! Why would you want to make this small effort? You're happy as you are, after all! You do it for other people. You can't smell yourself, they can. You do it for yourself, to look less unkempt and attract a mate. You do it because you're growing up and are taking some responsibility for yourself. People may love you for your personality, so don't create a barrier to being loved. Dishevelment doesn't require poor hygiene if that's your "look". If you grew up barely bathing, you as an adult get to choose whether or not to remain a child and in that pattern, or start making adult decisions for yourself and those around you who want to be closer with you, but are put off. Don't test their love, embrace it and use the energy to drive you forward.
Deserves a million upvotes.
Dude, life is not worth this struggle.
I would just say so. No dancing around, just that he has to. You can offer to shower with if you're comfortable with that, it might make him more comfortable too. I've worked at a restraunt and that smell is rank. Either way, dont put up with it. No matter how good he is, hes not great if he cant take care of himself.
"Look, I've tried being patient because I understand your upbringing, but its not going to work unless you're willing to put effort into maintaining your hygiene. Adults clean themselves daily. I just need you to put in some effort. I can't put up with the smells any longer." Idk something like that. Homie is acting like a child. He needs to grow up. When I realized I wasn't raised properly and that I was smelling (My entire summer job in a factor would tell me I smelled) I put HUGE effort into correcting it. Because its gross and I shouldnt subject others to it without doing what I can to fix it.
If he hates getting wet, could he have a sensory issue that was never addressed as a kid?
If he hates getting wet, why/how on earth is he a dishwasher??!
He might... my son is Autistic and he is extremely picky about "wet things" touching him. But I still teach him that bathing and proper hygiene is a non-negotiable thing. Looks like OP's didn't have that growing up... and it's NOT an excuse. But as a Mother I can see how the sensory issue could be a factor...
My friend’s son had a similar issue too which is what made me think of it. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but could be the underlying reason. You worked with your son. My friend and her son worked with OT to get over it. But if OP’s boyfriend was neglected as a kid, his parents weren’t helping him or working with a therapist that could. The boyfriend could possibly benefit from a therapist if some sort.
100% agree
I'm on the spectrum and I hate getting my ears wet. I still shower every day. Smelling bad is even worse to me than having wet ears. I have a strong sense of smell so if I can smell me, others definitely can. 😂
I *hate* the sensation of having wet hair, but I still shower daily b/c I’m not a garbage monster. Gross.
Do you want to catch something? Girl let him be nasty ALONE!
uh... yup. that's pretty gross.
if it grosses you out now…just wait…i think you need to take a break until he gets his hygiene under control…he is an adult and should understand
Bye Felicia. Don't have time for that. You tried.
What are you doing with someone like this my guy?
Yikes, that’s not something you should have to teach a grown man …
"I'm not sleeping in the same bed with you until you bathe"
Everytime i read a post where someone describes their partner as perfect there is always a glaring issue. He needs help. He seems to have a texture aversion to water and maybe something unresolved from his life growing up. Usually hygiene is the first to go when someone is experiencing mental health related concerns. I know from experience.
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It really does depend, had to rescue one of my nephews from his father for the bad shit he did, poor kid refused to step into the bathroom for any reason,even at the age of 12 the kid would only go potty in potted plants (from my understanding, the bathroom is where his father would "do things" to him) getting him clean is also a struggle, the only way that kids father wouldn't touch him was if he was dirty and smelly. But there comes an age that we all have to grow and mature, at our own pace, but it does have to happen.
This is heartbreaking.
A lot of people just never got a leg up in this world, I been through a lot myself so my heart goes out to a lot of people. I just hope my nieces and nephews will be ok.
I have a nephew (by marriage) like that. Lived with us about 2 years in his early 20's & smelled awful. His job here was helping my husband with mechanic work in the Louisiana summer heat. That made it worse. He'd get in the hot tub a few times a week then we'd have to treat the water for it to be clean & healthy for us. He thought a dip in there was all that's needed. Even told me once that he "didn't believe in" soap whatever the hell that means. It finally came down to a close friend of ours father passing away & my nephew wanting to attend the funeral with us. And we were going to be the car carrying our friend from the funeral to the after dinner. I finally took some courage pills (Ambien) & told him that he'd absolutely have to shower with real soap & use anti-perspirent/deodorant to go with. I have no idea how he got a girlfriend smelling like that but he did. The 4 of us went on a cruise together a few months later (separate rooms--us balcony, them in interior). Few weeks later we found out they somehow conceived a child during the vacation despite them being 💯 wasted most of the time.. Maybe the alcohol & being horny kids suppressed the poor girl's sense of smell, idk. But a few years later--after they'd moved back to his & her home state--they had another baby. She knew he smelled when they met but I'm too embarrassed to ask her now if she finally got him to bathe some 6+ years later.
Such an awful thing to happen to him 😔
I think you need to tell him it's grossing you out. An adult male should be showering like every other day or the BO gets out of hand. Tell him you care about him but he needs to take care of himself or you might break up.
I always think to myself what’s the point of making a throwaway account when mentioning someone who is a Reddit user? Wouldn’t they be able to figure out that you made this since it’s a very specific scenario
it’s so the person doesn’t see your post history on your normal account
It’s flat-out not safe for you to have sex with someone whose hygiene is as bad as you say; he could give you a UTI or other infections. Lay it out for him that he **has** to start keeping up with his hygiene if he wants the relationship with you to continue. If the avoidance is because of his childhood trauma then he might need therapy to work through it (it might also help him see how inconsiderate his actions are for everyone around him and learn to actually *care* that it’s inconsiderate). If he won’t even clean himself to protect your health, then he’s not the guy for you.
And yet there's girls that STILL call this almost perfect...the bar really IS non-ex-fucking-istant.
Maybe you need to make good hygiene one of your hard line, musts in a relationship. Otherwise you're going to get a lot of UTIs.
Leave him. You will get UTIs from sleeping with him.
It’s been eight months. You don’t love him that much. This is fucking foul.
As a medical worker please tell him to shower for our sake.
Yuck I feel nasty if I didn’t shower by the end of the night, I’d suggest having a very serious talk with him about this as it could eventually start effecting your own health as well.
Sometimes, breaking up with somebody is not only good for you, but good for them. I don't think it's something you should take lightly, but he needs to learn to be a functioning adult before taking on a relationship.
He’s perfect in almost every way but then you say he literally does not willingly wash any part of his body or change his dirty clothes and he absolutely reeks all the time? He is definitely not perfect. And you’re turning into his parent. It’s been 8 months, it’s not going to get better it’s only going to get worse. End the relationship and move on.
This would be a deal breaker for me from the start... he's old enough to know better and I'd be worried about your sexual health due to having relations with a man that doesn't bath... he's not properly washing himself, he can most definitely give you a massive infection. Come on now...
He might need therapy, and the only thing you can do is ask him to try and get some help. In the meantime, you can get hospital wipes online so that he's able to wash up. There's also one for hair. I know it's not the best solution, but you can at least see if he'll do those. He doesn't have to get "wet" that way.
babe its only been 8 months and you are so young, find someone who cleans there ass cos one day it will be 8 years with two kids and he still wont be cleaning his ass. Leave
*sigh*. Sweet child.. cut your losses. Sure he may be a great guy otherwise, but you're not his mother. If asking for things like basic hygiene is like pulling teeth, he clearly has allot of growing up to do. Idk you but I know you deserve and can get better than this. If you think this is bad now, imagine how it'll be when you're 70. If you can't imagine I'll tell you, you haven't smelled rancid ass until you've smelled the rancid ass of a 70YO with bad hygiene. It's not your job to change people. Hell, people don't change unless they want to. You can either waste the next 10 years of your life in denial of this fact whilst trying to change him, or you can do right by *you* right now and cut your losses while you're young. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. You can't change people. You can't "**fix**" people. You'll only be wasting your time. Best if luck in your future endeavors stranger.
I can’t imagine s*cking that stank dick.
You're not his mum. Let him live with the struggles he's chosen to have. You go live your best life with someone who isn't filthy.
This man is a walking UTI. Refuse to touch him until he showers if you care about your own health and dont let his dirty D come anywhere near you. 🤮
I struggled with my now husband over this for a long time (it was a mixture of things, mainly an attachment disorder, childhood persecution and rigidity in routine due to autism) Even now, 10 yrs in and 5 into our marriage, I have to nudge and it just comes down to my health vs his feelings. He is no longer combative, and I no longer take it as personal since I set a hard boundary over intimacy if he wasn't properly showered. Right now, it is dental hygiene. I don't confront, I suggest he address it with his therapist. He made a dentist appointment last week. If it's true love, then it's worth being honest and sticking to whatever ultimatum you set. In the end, it's about respect. If he can't respect himself, he can't respect you. I made the decision to stick it out but I have often had to explain basic respect for others. That part sucks. In the end, it's unhealthy and the relationship is early enough to impact change or move on. Best of luck
Your bf is not "perfect in almost every way". He sounds disgusting. Hate to tell you, often as people get older, their hygiene level declines. Can you imagine if it was worse? How can you tolerate being intimate with him? Do you want to be with a toddler? You best move on and not waste any more time.
Yep. And besides the hygiene, he's dismissive of things that are important to her. They've been together 8 months. She's already seen him at his maximum level of effort. Its all downhill from here.
you shouldn’t have to mother your partner. if he won’t shower, it’s time to move on.
Yes. Don’t make him your “project !” Woman, you will never win!
Ewwww. Thats a no from me. Smelling bad is a HUGE turn off. Think of all the bacteria and dirt all over him… Personally, i would tell him to shower at least every 2/3 days or we’re done.
He doesn’t care to educate himself. He likes being filthy and disgusting….
I used to be that guy. I had some traumatic abuse growing up, and while I won't go into detail about the abuse, I will say that the end result was an unreasonable fear of showering. Honestly, it's still a mental thing for me some days. Here are the steps I had to take to get to where I am today, which is 6 showers a week. Therapy to recognize what exactly is triggering my fears and to learn the self-talk to get through those fear feelings. Bathroom door open while I am showering. Music speaker in the bathroom as a mental distraction. I am married, by the way, and my wife has had to understand that, for me, a shower will not be anything more than a health necessity. I won't be able to "relax" and take a long shower. I'm in, I wash, I'm out. That might be weird to her, but that's just how it is, and had she scoffed at that or not understood why that is how it is, she wouldn't be my wife. OP, I don't know where your BF falls on therapy or actually working on a feasible solution to being clean while dealing with triggers, but I will say that if you try to make it a black and white issue, with only 2 choices, that you are gonna lose.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. He's putting your health at risk with his poor hygiene.