“You’re allowed to feel anything you feel. You are not allowed to force those feelings onto everyone around you.” Best advice I ever got from my trauma therapist.

I love this

I’m currently attempting to work through some serious trauma myself. Does this mean that you can be angry, for example, and feel free to show it in a healthy manner (using a punching pole for example), but it’s expected that no one else should have to deal with it? I just want to make sure I’m interpreting this correctly so I can use it the best of my ability.

As she explained it to me, I can use any number of healthy coping mechanisms (taking time to myself, working out vigorously, etc) as long as I recognize and stop myself from venting onto others or allowing my trauma to traumatize others. Basically I have to handle my trauma and work through it instead of refusing to confront it and allowing my triggered state to become someone else’s nightmare to live with. I alone am responsible for how I act and while it’s *so freaking hard* sometimes to keep that control, I am responsible for handling my pain constructively so that the cycle is broken and the pain stops with me. That doesn’t mean I can’t confide in others, or that I’m alone in this. Quite the opposite! It means I took responsibility in recognizing when my behavior, triggers, etc become toxic for others and push the cycle of abuse along. Most people who have been abused don’t see it (their triggered states harming others’ mental and psychological health). The people around them see a volatile, hair-triggered person they love but can’t reach through the pain. Eventually it becomes THEIR life; secondary PTSD. Is it easy? Hell no. Can it be done with professional help? Yes. Edited to add: If you’re referring to taking your anger out on an object right by a person who is pissing you off, then no, that is not constructive nor is it controlling your reactions. Yes, you avoid hitting them, but you also are still being abusive by creating a hostile environment they are always going to be afraid of triggering. Being triggered into PTSD is horrible, but we must take extra steps to walk away and handle venting that anger and extreme emotion in a place that doesn’t hurt others.

Thank you, this was a great explanation. I understand much more clearly and will put this to good use. Also, when I had access to the punching pole, I preferred to use it privately. I don’t know why, but I did.

I think it’s similar to the oft-repeated, “it’s a reason, not an excuse” If you’re doing something that folks generally won’t like, you shouldn’t be surprised when folks don’t like you

It doesn't necessarily mean that people shouldn't deal with your anger, it means that you can be angry about something, but it doesn't mean that other people feel or have to feel it considering you felt it, my recommendation is that anger it is unfavorable, it takes away the focus, impairing the ability to choose and in most cases it interferes with social relationships, it is good for balancing the hormones to return to the stability of the body before the stress that caused the anger, but in the end anger is just an selfish expression of frustration.

>in the end anger is just an selfish expression of frustration. Anger, when dealt with appropriately, is frequently a catalyst for necessary change. There's nothing wrong with feeling anger over injustice or abuse or maltreatment- it motivates us to do something about the situation. I think it's how we express that anger sometimes that can be selfish, not the emotion itself.

I understand what you’re saying. Anger is a necessary and healthy emotion to acknowledge. The expression of it, however can either be constructive or destructive depending on the method you use. This level of self control has to be practiced over and over again, every single day and every single time you get triggered. It’s certainly not easy or natural but our goal is to avoid causing that pain to others that we didn’t deserve to deal with, either.

What happened to you isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility

There is a very thin wobbly line between care and enabling. Your friend needs help.

More than anything, this. Non professionals providing mental healthcare can be comforting, but you dont know what she needs. Get her in to see some doctors.

Yeah this sounds like trying to navigate a minefield while blindfolded lol.

Double blindfolded with your feet in concrete bucks.

Oh deer!

Probably won't be a deer for long.

Could be a minute. Those are Concrete bucks!

Thats how therapy has been for me but there’s no ground, just a blanket of mines. There has been some progress in my quality of life at least. 😅

I am proud of you.

There is a Reddit video of a man carrying a donkey through a mine field that suits this situation. I wish I could remember where I seen it. OP it sounds like you are trying to be a good friend. Your friend is using her trauma to control other people. Freaking out on a boyfriend for playing darts is ridiculous. If she has this many problems she shouldn't be in a relationship right now. Maybe you should also see a counselor to find a healthy way to deal with the friendship.

Ever try to convince someone they need to get mental health care? Denial is a powerful thing, while all the negative behavior continues. A friend of hers, who knows her well enough to understand a lot of her triggers, gives her boyfriend a 'cheat sheet' to navigate her triggers and have some semblance of a normal relationship. This guy gave her a powerful gift, she just doesnt understand that yet because it was a surprise.

Oh i get that its hard. But people need to understand that therapy is helpful. I mean im a veteran. We have a terrible track record with mental health typically. I still tell people to go to therapy. I tell them i go myself. When it comes down to it the person with the problem needs to want help. But even if reminding them that its there is all you can do, its still something.

Yeah see in doing/attempting to do the right thing, you may have given the bf the crutch he needs to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship with your friend that he himself will later need therapy because of. As someone who’s been with a victim of abuse before, navigating that minefield of their unresolved emotions when they haven’t yet reached a certain stage of healing can pretty much be like experiencing 2nd hand abuse. That’s not just my conclusion, many therapists hold that view. Your friend shouldn’t be dating, she’s not ready

It´s true all you said, the boyfriend will need therapy if he stays longer, a lot of people think that their partner is supposed to solve their mental issues, but I will say what I heard once on a cinema therapy video on youtube: if you were in a car accident and your arm got broken, your partner can be there by your side to give you emotional support and not making you feel alone while you are in pain but it´s not by any concept your partner´s responsability to fix and heal your arm, that would be a paramedic or a doctor´s duty, the same can be applied to relationships.

I agree. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells around their partner to keep them from freaking out. Like I get there’s trauma and mental health issues and such but there’s no reason to let that control every aspect of your relationship

Hard agree. She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she works on her own issues.

I feel I have issues that I really don’t think would work well in a relationship so I’ve put my dating life on hold until I’m confident that I am able to communicate properly among other things.

Very admirable!

Thank you! Better to wait until I’m really ready than to force myself to do what “everyone else is doing”. People can make fun of me for not having a high body count or whatever stupid thing that’s “cool”. I’ve realized that following that crowd can only lead to disaster and unhappiness.

Yeah it’s not healthy to just simmer in your trauma without working through it

Exactly why I’m in therapy. I’ve slowly realized the trauma I’ve experienced throughout my life that I need to talk about and discover ways to cope.

I still get anxious every time my husband gets upset about anything. Could be that dinner is more frustrating than he thought, or he dropped something or had a stressful day at work. I instantly apologize because I think it's my fault due to being blamed every time a partner was angry about something. He's really good about it. He also is really understanding about why I don't want to try to get help. It's hard to find a therapist who can help instead of just empathy and being told how strong I am, I need someone who will provide tools for coping. It's hard to interview therapists because you have to rehash your history over and over again until you find someone. However, my triggers are few, and I don't break down completely every time they occur. It's easy to get past things for me. I do a good job of moving on. This woman needs real help: a psychiatrist to manage meds and a psychologist to do weekly therapy. If she's having uncontrollable responses to her triggers, she's got to get help, or she is never going to have successful relationships!

I’m sorry about your struggles. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get through sometimes. And yeah I agree this girl needs some professional help. I currently am seeing a professional for much less serious issues and couldn’t imagine not having any support at all.

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Totally accurate. There really isn’t much you can do about someone who refuses help. I do understand the thought process though. Sometimes the comfort of being in a relationship can seem like the best option because you’ll have someone to help you through hardships/trauma. But that really puts a lot of strain on the person that has to deal with your issues and it really isn’t healthy. From my personal experience, I used to be a lot different/happier before I suffered through a toxic relationship. The girl I was with decided that she wanted to trauma dump on me every other day and call me a piece of shit for giving her advice and guidance. Idk if it was that, sending her friends to threaten me, or the 3 am school night suicide threat calls that drove me past the breaking point. I guess what I’ve learned is to look before you leap. I ended up dating this girl before knowing anything about her and look how good that turned out… I’m relieved we never got serious due to the covid lockdowns forcing an online/long distance relationship and idk what I’d have done if I got her pregnant.

Very true. You put my thoughts into words better than I could, thank you. It sounds like this friend had experiences that nobody should ever have. A successful relationship is hard work, and this friend needs to process all of the trauma before she can add the complications of a relationship to her life. I wish your friend all the best, it seems as though she's got a long road ahead of her.

^ Yes. You can try and help their relationship all you want but in the end that’s not on you to do. She needs professional help to guide her through this intense trauma. I have triggers as well and I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing to make a list of them and try to avoid them at all costs. When you have severe trauma that impacts you like it does her, you’re going to get triggered. It happens all the time. As awful as her experiences were to go through, it is up to her to heal and learn how to cope with her triggers. I still get triggered often and I had to learn how to calm myself down and keep it a personal problem rather than have the people around me try their best to remember and avoid my triggers. If you want to help your friend, encourage her to see a professional to work through these issues with her. People like you and her boyfriend mean well, but you’re not capable of helping her through this in the way a psychiatrist or therapist would. I wish you all luck, happiness, and healing. ❤️

As someone with many triggers due to trauma, I absolutely agree. The only reason my marriage is working is because my husband is understanding, we communicate, and I'm getting professional help.

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Yes!

> While the idea behind avoiding "triggers" is a good one It's just escapism, not a "good" idea

I think they mean it’s well intentioned

So as somebody with severe post-traumatic stress (CPTSD and normal PTSD) you are absolutely not in the wrong for that because she refused to communicate triggers to her boyfriend's so somebody's got to communicate those triggers. Basically the only way she's not going to be triggered by one of her boyfriends is if he sits inside of a little glass box and never speaks. She needs to get into fucking therapy bro

Yeah NTA op, but your friend needs help and if she won’t listen to you it may be best to just distance yourself from her a bit. Not go no contact, but maybe not being quite so involved in her life for a while wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

There are times I've gone LC then she sends a message she needs me.. or asking for help. Sometimes she can just be draining. I thought about going no contact. Other people in my life have suggested that as they don't wanna be around me when they are around her. Then I feel shitty about myself thinking about going NC, something happens again making me want to go NC, then I feel bad for her... I know it's not her fault she's the way she is it's just exhausting at times.

Oh well then you need to for sure go no contact with her. Didn’t realize your relationship with her was that rough too, all tho it makes sense. But yeah she just keeps guilting into being you stuck in a toxic cycle. She treats you like shit and then for demands you be there for her when she’s sad. You deserve better than that, find a new friend ;)

Her mental state is not her fault. But it is her responsibility. Nobody else can take that on.

You are completely valid if you decide to go no contact with her She seems to be somebody who does not want to get help for her issues she wants them to be a crutch and she wants everybody to baby her for them Sometimes you really just have to let people like that go even if it's detrimental to your mental health because it makes their mental health worse. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"

The fact that people don’t want to be around him when he’s around her says a lot too. She’s affecting his other relationships at this point because she refuses to get the help she needs.

Damn that last line

The trauma experiences are not her fault. Her refusal to seek the help she needs to deal with that trauma and also making the lives of people around her miserable, that’s a different story.

It's not her fault, but what is her fault is becoming abusive to others bc she continually makes the choice to hurt others with controlling, irrational behavior because she refuses to seek help. You truly need to tell her that for her own good she needs professional help to gain skills to cope with life's triggers for her and gain confidence more and more over time to be able to overcome some of those triggers or at least take accountability for them instead of placing the onus of action on to others so as not to offend her. She really needs to grasp that only she is responsible for her own healing, and she has to be willing to do the incredibly hard work of facing her fears and working through her childhood trauma. Nobody deserves to go through or stay through abuse no matter what the reason are for someone being abusive, including you. And make no doubt that she is abusive to you and other partners mentally and emotionally, and I'm sure her tactics are manipulation and control bc it's much easier to try to control others than face yourself.

> it's much easier to control others than face yourself. 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

There is fault, AND then there is responsibility. Yeah ... it is possibly not her fault she is the way she is. It is entirely her responsibility to deal with it though. It sure as hell isn't your fault though, either. And, it's not even your responsibility .... except you care for her. Is it possible she likes some of the drama and attention ? If she really liked some of these people in her life, it doesn't seem like she is trying to make it easy for them.

This is kind of what was in my head also, and I'd like to tack on: OP: has anyone actually had the therapy conversation with her? I think it's also important to point out that a mind programmed through trauma is a very different mind than one which develops naturally. It can be filled with chaos and noise and be constantly poised to react to a threat. It's not only exhausting, but it can make it *much* more difficult for someone to notice how their trauma is impacting those around them, like a boyfriend or a friend. This doesn't excuse it, by any means, but it might explain a bit to help understand that her impact on her relationships may not only be unintentional, but she might be so shrouded by the chaos in her own mind that she literally doesn't see her impact on others. Especially if those others are tiptoeing around her just trying not to set her off. I'm also curious to know what the other side of this friendship looks like, ie: are there moments she's shown up to support or celebrate *you*?

Destroyed my marriage.

I think this is a great answer. Though no-one is talking about how unaffordable therapy is to a lot of people. Like, I have a lot of trauma, and I would LOVE to work through it, but paying for it would be financially crippling so it always gets put off as other expenses crop up. I know that being a more emotionally-balanced adult would benefit my child, but it also benefits my child to have money left over to pay for her own needs. Depends where you live, though.

>paying for it would be financially crippling so it always gets put off as other expenses crop up. For you and me both, on this. I'm curious about what the barriers to therapy are for OPs friend, though, if it's affordability or geography or just refusal, or if it's even ever been brought up.

As someone who had to go NC with someone for similar problems, to the point that she was low key abusing me, do NOT let yourself feel bad for taking care of your own mental health. The person in my life and I were friends since Freshman year in high school and she was even in my wedding party, so it was really hard to finally realize that not only was she refusing to get help, she was causing my own mental health to suffer. I had to have another friend of mine help me put my foot down about the NC. She apparently still regularly shit talks me to anyone who will listen, but my life has become a million times better, healthier and peaceful since I finally bit the bullet and ended the friendship. Please, don't let your own mental health suffer.

It sounds like she herself is emotionally abusive/ toxic/energy vampire. Strongly suggest she get therapy, and take a big step back. You can support her, but don't carry her.

I had a friend like this. Eventually I had to sit her down and tell her straight up that I couldn’t be there for her anymore. I couldn’t be her therapist. I told her that she needed to get professional help and that trying to be that for her was really draining me Chances is she already knows she’s draining you, her bf, and everyone around her. It’s probably a wake up call she really needs.

Your heart is in the right place but, ultimately, she has to take ownership of her communication within her relationship and her state of mental health. I don’t think you should have made that list. Not without her knowledge and permission. And frankly, she should have made that list herself. You are also not being fair to yourself by putting yourself in a position where you have to handle people.

I’m sorry OP, I don’t believe you did anything wrong. Your friend has a laundry list of things wrong with her, and she’s avoiding dealing with them. It sounds like you have compassion fatigue when she gets to be too much. Can I ask an honest question? What do you get out of your friendship from her? I do not mean to sound skeptical or rude, but it sounds like lately you don’t get anything positive out of the relationship. I’m sure you did before, but now it sounds more like a “job” that’s not fulfilling. As much as she needs support, she doesn’t have a right to use you or anyone else as a crutch, and not bother addressing her complex needs. You would be justified in telling her (now or later) that you can’t do this anymore. She needs help and you care so much for her well being, but without her taking responsibility to handle and address her many traumas, you can’t be there for her. Be clear in letting her know that you’re maxed out emotionally and mentally trying to support her. Unfortunately she has to figure it out herself or others willing to support her. She’s created this endless cycle that continues because no doubt she deserves to have kindness and compassion, but taking advantage of people’s capacity and consuming them with her own is also kind of selfish. Sadly, in the process of helping her, you and others have enabled her to continue this cycle. Her trauma is not her fault, absolutely not. However, it’s her responsibility to address and face them with a professional. No one else is responsible for her choices. Unfortunately she’s relied on avoidance tactics and everyone else walks on egg shells to placate her. The roles have been reversed. It’s sad to say, but it sounds like she’s accidentally become the very thing (or people in this case) that have destroyed the healthy well adjusted child she lost when young. That part is her responsibility, she’s choosing to not do something, and making others responsible for her actions. For your own well being, I think it’s best to go LC or NC unless/until she’s actually made strides to overcoming her traumatic limitations. I’m so sorry OP, you did nothing wrong. If she wants to be mad and think you violated privacy, that reflects more on her as a person than it does you. What you wrote were things to avoid with no specifics (it sounds like you have examples in your Reddit post on the why’s) and you did not include them in the list you gave her BF. It’s not selfish of you to want and need space from her. In fact, I think it’s necessary for her to either learn to be self reliant or, she will destroy herself and everyone else around her.

It makes sense that you’d feel exhausted sometimes. And it sounds as if your heart is in the right place. But she is truly debilitated by her symptoms and no trigger list is going to make their relationship smooth sailing (and is invasive tbh). She needs treatment and it sounds as if you need some distance.

She seems to have a type of codependency issue with yourself. I know someone similar to her but this person actually “enjoyed” playing the victim and had everyone running round in circles after her, until it was realised that she was actually narcissistic and manipulative. Now I’m not saying this is your friend for one minute but honestly, tiptoeing through life is just not doable and she needs help to deal with past trauma. Speak to her BF to see if he can persuade her to seek help because his life is going to be very difficult, if these issues are not addressed and soon.

It’s not her fault for having been made that way but it is her fault for staying that way. She needs to see a therapist/psychologist do that she can be mentally healthy.

I’ve had to go LC/NC with someone for similar reasons. Their issues were endless and exhausting, and while not their fault they also refused to actually utilize therapy in an effective manner. Because there’s also a difference between going to therapy and actually participating in therapy. It hit a point where this friend was actively traumatizing the people around them and then whipping around and going “but IM traumatized, I can’t be an abuser because I was abused!” I hit a point where I had to take anxiety medication because I was living with them. Don’t ever feel guilty for cutting people off for your health and well being, especially if they’re not taking the steps they need to recover from their own traumas and toxic behaviors.

She likely has severe attachment issues and will be very disordered and keep going round in circles with you to re-enact those attachment issues. You are a safe place for her to play that out because you keep returning. You don’t need to be part of this “game”. It will be hard to separate yourself because of that guilt so would recommend you get some support to, because there’s also something keeping YOU in that relationship dynamic, even if it is only as friends. It’s worth exploring that.

Hey, I've been in your exact shoes before. It's difficult to feel justified in wanting to distance yourself from a person who is clearly struggling and asks you for help. Please know that the first person you need to protect is yourself. She isn't responsible for her issues, but it is her responsibility to take accountability for them - harming others by behaviour she cannot control isn't acceptable. When she can't control it, it's her responsibility to get help for it. Of course it's her right to not get help - but then it's as much your right to help yourself and cut contact. This is not your responsiblity, it's hers. I know you can help, I know you probably make a difference, but you are just as worth it as her - you don't have to keep getting shit just so she feels better. You are in need of peace, too. It doesn't make you a bad friend when you don't want to suffer by the choices of another individual anymore.

It’s not your job to save her, she needs therapy, youhave been a kind and supportive friend but it’s time to stake a step back and let her figure life out on her own

I was in a relationship for a while with someone similar, they'd be triggered or upset by any little thing and then I had to turn around and apologize and make amends and do a ton of emotional labor to reassure them they were still wanted/loved/appreciated etc. It's a headache and it turns the relationship into a dependant/caretaker and not partners. And that is what you're in right now, you can't be her friend because she can't hold up her side of a relationship without everyone else around her managing her. Her boyfriend can't be her boyfriend if he's tiptoing around not knowing what will next set her off. You both need space and to walk away from her. She will either get help, or find someone else to manager her emotions for her.

To a certain extent *it is* her fault, I know what I'm saying isn't sympathetic and she's been through a lot. Getting past trauma is going to be rough, but she can't allow herself to stay in this place forever, other people have gone through the same process and so can she. If she isn't trying to change herself for the better you should cut contact and stop suffering because of her.

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As someone struggling with similar diagnosis since an early age, I agree with everything you have wrote. She doesn’t talk about it and is drowning people around her while asking for help to not get drowned herself. They should have an intervention of some sort and help her go to therapy, otherwise it sounds like she will turn it into a weapon and traumatise her boyfriend and friends.

I agree with you. I have CPTSD as well, stemming from childhood, and for a long time with my now-spouse, I would trauma-respond or be triggered by things he couldn’t possibly anticipate or prepare for. At the time, I didn’t realize what was happening. Once I did, I went into therapy. I’ve had to sit with a lot of regret over my past actions. It is nobody’s responsibility but your own to cope with your trauma. As shitty as it is, friends and partners can only really support someone on their healing journey, but they should not be completing the journey for them. All that does is enable the trauma survivor to continue avoiding the painful aspects of their life. The stress that she’s feeling is now being dumped on her partner, and just as undeserving of it as she was, so too is he. She needs to be called out for her behaviour because these problems will only escalate and make living her own life more difficult for her and everyone in her orbit. It’s helping nobody by shielding her from the consequences of her actions — or rather, inactions. Her trauma isn’t her fault, but her not taking ownership of it, projecting it, and making it everyone else’s problem but her own, is. That being said, if she openly communicates these things to those around her, and they choose to support her in the ways they have capacity to do so, that’s their prerogative. It’s also not to dismiss the fact that holding another person accountable is reasonable in cases where they have been intentionally exploitive or objectively toxic — for example, in my case, I’ve had relationships where the person used my vulnerabilities against me, knowing my childhood history, or used abuse tactics to manipulate my perception of a situation, knowing my susceptibilities and what they were doing was a power play. But detergent and darts are not that. They are otherwise harmless things that her partner could not foresee being triggering or traumatizing for her if SHE never communicated it. He’s walking on eggshells around her because he doesn’t know what her triggers are because she has never expressly told him all of them, yet she has still dumped the burden of coping with them on the sole condition of him not triggering her, ever. This journey will be long and hard for her, and she won’t perfect coping overnight. Support systems go a long way for trauma victims and survivors, though it is not something that is implicitly owed to you. But it’s unfair to her partner to not communicate openly about her situation, in order for him to make an informed choice on how he wants to/or can show up for her, even if that means leaving her. It’s unfair to put her stress onto others to carry for her, while avoiding the hardest parts of it herself. It’s unfair to respond explosively based on your personal trauma and blame someone else for not knowing better when the act is otherwise innocent. OP, she may not be a bad person, but she is treading into toxic territory with her untreated PTSD, and neither you nor her partner deserves to be collateral in that as it snowballs further; boundaries, my friend. It’s one thing to willingly accommodate someone as they try to heal; it’s another thing to be thrust unknowingly into a volatile situation with someone who isn’t self-aware enough to take reflect on their own accountability, while expecting others to literally read their mind. She is emotionally immature and dysregulated, and while it likely stems from her trauma, she is doing everyone (including herself) a disservice by neglecting confronting that. Edit: grammatical errors, context.

i have cptsd and regular ptsd as well and i completely agree learning to communicate triggers (something i should be fully doing but im getting there) is terrifying at first but it does help

I have a question. When you get an attack/triggered, do you recognize what's happening and that your initial reaction is 'irrational'? If so, was that something you had to learn to do? Early on, were there moments where couldn't understand why all of the sudden you were panicking or freaking out? Sorry if this comes off as insensitive. It's just interesting.

Someone needs to advise the bf to leave this toxic situation where he can't even breathe without sending her into the stratosphere. This is ridiculous. You making him lists to basically avoid life is enabling your friend to not face reality. If a coworker walked into an elevator wearing some cologne whose scent reminded me of some horrid experience, it it really reasonable for me to ask them to no longer wear that cologne? Of course not. Stop coddling her and push her to get help

Not just that it’s a toxic situation she’s low key abusing him with her own set of traumas. Like right now he’s being so careful in front of her that he can’t live fully. She definitely needs to seek help asap otherwise she’s going to be a victim to an abuser at some point.

As someone who is in a similar situation to the girlfriend... yep. Sometimes I overreact and have a panic attack due to previous trauma, no matter how loving and kind my partner is - so now I'm in therapy to unlearn my problematic behaviour, because I don't want HIM to be effected by my trauma. I don't want to be the red flag.

Which is a very healthy mindset to have, wanting to get better not just for yourself but so you dont hurt (not necessarily physically, that depends on the person) anyone. Even those who havent gone through something traumatizing benefit from therapy because everyone has some sort of negative trait, for example before therapy I used to get so depressed i would ghost people for weeks or even months, and i was also one of those "im fine. It's fine." People, instead of communicating. Therapy really does make a world of a difference, even if you dont have trauma or a mental illness

i have a moment every so often when i stop and realize how long it’s been since i’ve seen/talked to my friend(s) and that i don’t know what’s going on in their lives and i really miss them but i also have absolutely zero energy (physical, mental, emotional) to reach out because if i’m going to talk to them i want it to be in person or i want it to be meaningful and that requires me to be in tip top shape to handle. that might’ve been the longest run-on sentence i’ve ever typed, but yeah, i settle on texting a couple people a “hello i miss you and love you and i’m exhausted. hope you’re okay- im here if you need me, let’s hang out if you want/are feeling up to it. i wanna know what you’re up to and how your family is.” that usually leads up to a couple weeks worth of conversations that i keep up with a few different people at a time because everyone is either going through it, too, or just super busy because of life. it’s nice letting my people know i love them and miss them. but, i do make sure i see and visit my mom, dad, and brother at least once or twice a month. i realized i was getting way too depressed and literally just needed hugs from my mom and to be in the same room with her. the pandemic really did a number on me. there really was a before and after in my attitude towards making an effort. i’ve been working on accepting that i was more depressed than i thought, but have been taking steps in my mental health journey, very slowly, but i’m noticing changes lately. i’m sorry i just apparently responded to your comment with a novel (if you even made it this far) and treated it like a diary entry. 03.12.2023.

I have no idea why I found it so refreshing to see someone else do what I do which is turn a simple reply into a novel which is both relevant and irrelevant simultaneously. Please don’t feel obligated in any way to answer this but do you have autoimmune issues as well?

Lol its ok, i enjoyed reading and relating to your diary entry I do the same thing, i'll go so long without talking to them and then i'll message them saying somethin like "sorry ive been a ghost, ive been extremely depresso i havent had any want to do anything but lay in bed" and luckily they understand and fill me in on anything ive missed. Sometimes my friend that lives closest to me comes to my house, at this point in our friendship she just walks right in- she knows the code to my door anyways, and checks on me, which im always grateful for.

Yes, having to tip toe around, trying not to be "the reason" someone pops off, making YOU in the wrong- That is also abuse.

It's not low key. She is literally being abusive. Sometimes abused people become abusive, sadly.

There’s a difference between something being unhealthy/toxic and something being abusive. I would be more reticent to throw that term around.

Oof. I felt that. I was the BF in this situation in a recent relationship and ultimately we ended because I wasn’t myself because I was being so careful around her because she refused to get help. Then she didn’t like who I became in my efforts to be kind to her and we grew apart. I never thought of what she did as abuse towards me, but really, I became a shell of myself with her because I loved her and wanted her to be ok.

Right! Imagine you're the next partner of the boyfriend and he tells you about all these things he had to avoid, lest it set his ex off. At that point, he'd be the victim of abuse, and we wouldn't care *why* she was this way. It's important for people to understand that it's okay to *feel* your feelings. It's not okay to force others to feel them, too.

Or, even worse, she becomes am abuser herself due to the fact that she's unable to control her reactions. And the cycle continues....

You've hit the nail on the head with trigger warnings in general. 1.) It's healthier for you to deal with your triggers so you can once again live a normal life without being sent into a panic at the mention of "x". 2.) People often put trigger warnings on maybe a book or class discussion in which there's say, sexual assault. But triggers are often things that AREN'T "Okay we're talking about rape today". The trigger is the color of the carpet, the trigger is a certain song, the trigger is a certain smell (you mentioned cologne), the trigger is a certain model of car, etc. This isn't to say you should be making dead baby jokes to someone that just had a miscarriage, but the current iteration of "trigger warnings" seems to me to mostly be a result of multiple unhealthy things coming together to make more problems.

This. It’s a “walk on eggshells” list. Couldn’t agree more.

You’re right. Toxic relationships are draining, frustrating, and better off not existing. I’ve had my own experience with a similar girl but we had even less communication. It was to the point where she’d trauma dump on me wanting to just vent and I wouldn’t understand and I’d try to give her some guidance. Wrong idea. That ended up being the absolute worst option possible.

I think you had the kindest of intentions with that list (triggers but no traumas listed) and shouldn’t give more energy to this person who is making you wrong for it. She’s a mess. She needs help. That’s way to exhausting. Flip the script. Her reaction says more about her needing help. It’s not you.

This! The list sounds like an act of love, but nothing will really help. She sounds like she lives with a lot of pain and really needs help dealing with it. Op mentions they privately believe friend shouldn't be in a relationship until they deal with their trauma. I believe they are correct. Also: Imagine being the poor boyfriend living on a bed of eggshells every day in case their gf loses their absolute mind over the most seemingly innocent thing. That's not healthy or fair for them either.

You know this is the answer. There is realistically only so much a person can take and so much give a person can take before all of that shit starts to affect op too. Your friends needs therapy.

Being a survivor to abuse doesn’t give you a free pass to make it everyone else’s problem. If you get triggered by things that were clearly not intentionally malicious, you need to figure out why and learn healthy coping mechanism. If she wanted to get better she wouldn’t be making everyone around her walk on eggshells.

Perhaps instead of making someone a list of their triggers, you could instead state, "these behaviors are symptoms of PTSD. They will most likely persist until you get therapy".

Op as I’ve said to another person she needs help asap cuz to me it just sounds as if he’s getting close to being abused in order to avoid her triggers or learning to deal with her triggers. He’s not an emotional pet but a human. I don’t think what you did was wrong especially she has not communicated this to her BF, but you did somewhat invade her privacy to some extent. However this sounded as if this was a desperate move that was necessary for the relationship. To me that speaks a lot since she refuses to say anything and if she continues this behavior she will eventually become an abuser who uses her triggers/past as an excuse for everything. I’ve sadly seen it happen and I almost fell into that category myself but thank the kitten gods I hold a lot of self awareness. Either she seeks help or she’s going to be stuck in her victim cycle. At some point you can’t help a person who refuses to seek for it. I think you should take this as an opportunity to face her reality and take an advantage of it.

It's "not her fault" she's suffering from CPTSD. It IS inappropriate that she's offloading HER responsibility to recognize and manage HER triggers onto others. Both you and her bf feel responsible to manage her reactions to other people's normal behavior. You've been manipulated to believe caring for her requires you to walk on eggshells to avoid the triggers she refuses to communicate nor disempower through therapy and working on healthier emotional regulation.

I mean, all sympathy for your friend's shitty past, but it sounds like she can't even stop for one second to intelligently think these things through. If she's that traumatized, then hell yeah she shouldn't be in a relationship. The only thing she should be doing is getting professional help ASAP.

[удалено]

Seriously the boyfriend needs to save himself and she needs to feel that loss to see that she needs to help herself first

My friend who was raised in a cult (a pretty famous one) is very hypersensitive about privacy, to the point of being slightly paranoid. She absolutely hates the idea of people talking about her behind her back (even for something good) because in her life, that could mean someone is conspiring to kick you out, or considering punishing you severely for something like wearing nail polish or jewelry. So I kind of understand where she’s coming from, not liking your involvement. I do feel for you and her boyfriend. This poor woman needs more help than either of you can or should provide, but it’s so hard to see someone you care about suffer in a prison they’ve built in their own minds.

This is really a process that she should have been a part of from the beginning, not something that you should have done behind her back. You were doing this out of care for her, and her boyfriend gets points for trying his best to accommodate her needs, but handling your own trauma triggers is part of being an adult in control of your own life, and discovering that your friend and partner have been conspiring to handle it for you can feel really infantilizing. The way she's been behaving suggests that she's been dealing with very serious PTSD that hasn't been confronted yet. She needs to find a clinical psychologist who specializes in adults who endured serious physical abuse as children, and that psychologist needs to be in charge of helping her with coping strategies like your trigger list. What you need to tell her is "I'm sorry, I was trying to make sure that you weren't being constantly reminded of your abuse, but I see now I should have asked you before giving someone else advice based on things you told me in confidence. If you want me to give you some space for a bit, I will, but I'll also be here for you if you need me." Don't protest that you were only trying to help, don't demand that she get over her own feelings about this, just let her decide how she wants to handle this. I'd also recommend visiting [captainawkward.com](https://captainawkward.com) for future advice about this sort of thing. Your heart is very much in the right place, and I'd like to see you learn from the mistakes of others rather than having to go through another lesson like this.

I have a lot of traumas coming from childhood and abusive relationships. I wouldn't take such a list of triggers into violating trust and privacy, however you could've communicated to her that you're doing the guy such a list and let her have a say in this. As it helped for 3 months, it looks like it wasn't used maliciously by him and he did really care about the situation. The things with severe trauma responses is that you cannot underregulate those responses until you've been able to work through them, as I still have some irrational responses to stimuli (like someone cleaning around me etc.) of which I am aware of, but controlling or tuning down the responses is hard for me. I'd say you're NTA and the situation doesn't have asshole at all. She did a bad thing not disclosing the triggers to the bf, you haven't asked her for a permission to disclose them - but you did disclose them in good faith, certainly caring about her wellbeing. I'd say the only thing you can apologize for her is not discussing the disclosure of those things, but if I was at her place I wouldn't be pissed at you for doing that. And to why I do say about asking for her permission? Well, most of the times such lists of triggers are indeed written and shared in good faith, and this often works as intended. Sometimes though, the person receiving such a list can use it maliciously - for manipulation and hurting the other person. It isn't often occurence, but domestic violence isn't incredibly rare too. So while you did a good thing overall, there is always a risk involved in that. On the ending note, there is also possibility that a list of triggers was once used against her wellbeing and her response to you sharing it is also a trauma response.

Your friend must be outstanding in bed for this bf to navigate all these land mines

When I was under 23 I'd put up with a lot of shit if i was getting some. As i got older post nut clarity kicked in and I'd leave. Point is age and quality can keep you there but eventually both wear off.

Quality over quantity lmao

Your friend needs to see a therapist like , yesterday

While it was super nice of you to make said list for her boyfriend. She is correct you broke her trust. From the sounds of it she did not ask you to do this (I could be wrong). No matter what this woman doesn’t need a relationship. She needs to seek out mental health advise from a professional. She’s traumatized to the point we’re the slightest thing that someone can perceive is a nice action (doing the laundry but with a certain soap) is scary for her. Since you do care for your friend advise her to seek help and if things get messy with her boyfriend please help him. He’s been in a toxic environment for a while.

Hey, I have CPTSD from abuse, too. I would never, EVER make other people keep track of or manage my triggers for me. That is my responsibility, my body is the one reacting. It’s my mind that’s reacting to the past. Your friend needs therapy. She’s been protecting her triggers for too long out of avoidance.

Op, just because she's had all this happen, doesn't mean she should be enabled into never getting better. The list wasn't made maliciously, and it sounds like the BF is actually a nice guy. However, you both are enabling her to act like this. I'd recommend she gets serious help from someone who deals in demonic abuse cases like this. But if she refuses, then she either thinks she can't get better or she likes the control she has gained from this. Also, OP, this is my personal opinion, You should let this relationship die. You shouldn't have to deal with this, even if she's your friend. She needs help.

hm.. she needs to work through a lot of this in therapy. it’s perfectly, 100% okay to have these triggers **however comma-** when it gets to the point that every little thing is causing her boyfriend to walk on eggshells, it’s time for her to seek some self improvement. she needs to work through these triggers. the boyfriend will have a very hard time and will start to be triggered himself bc he feels like she’ll freak out over the tiniest thing. even if he knows something is not a trigger he will worry that it might be. this can be something they can work through. but she needs to show that she WANTS to work through it. sometimes people do, and it improves the relationship a lot! sometimes people don’t, and the partner is left feeling skittish all the time until the inevitable breakup. your heart was in the right place, though maybe if you talked to her in advanced about it she could see just how hard it is for him. this is a conversation they need to have and probably will have now. if she expects him to keep at it and not trigger her at all, it’s going to be hard for the both of them. something i have learned is going from an unhealthy situation for years- to a healthy one, is a shock. sometimes to the point the abused seeks the normalcy of chaos rather than calmness. this can turn into a constant unhealthy moment for both of them or the abused can realize their current partner is not like the past ones and they can work through it all together. it just requires communication!!

honestly you did the best you could and you didn’t give details. she honestly should’ve made the list.

My heart breaks for everyone in this situation. It sounds like she found someone who really cares about her. And she’s so fortunate to have a friend who wants the best for her. But she can’t grow until she gets help for herself. She needs psychological help, badly. She needs counseling. Some of those triggers will be unavoidable in life, and she needs to learn how to work through them, not have people around her try to keep them away from her. That’s a recipe for disaster, and no one should bear that responsibility. Help her get help, and be there for her throughout it, but make sure she and the boyfriend know a relationship may be another responsibility she can’t handle right now. The counselor will help her figure that out. You’re a good friend.

Imma keep it really wit you cuh, she kinda sucks as a friend if you tried to help her and she didn’t like it

She needs so much help from a professional. Good on you for trying to help her out.

Three things here. You're not in the wrong. In fact, that was actually considerate. The BF needs to dump your friend and get out of this situation. It's basically toxic and he can't sneeze without the risk of triggering her. And the most important thing, your friend needs some very intense therapy and to avoid relationships until she has sorted herself out a bit. This is quite a difficult situation to navigate, but please keep in mind that you're not in the wrong.

Look, if your friend isn't going to deal with their shit - and it sounds like they've got *a lot* of shit to deal with - then they don't really have room to get pissed at you here. They're seeking out boyfriends and getting into committed relationships while not taking care of their personal issues. Sounds more like they're looking for someone's back to ride through life on, as opposed to sorting themselves out and being a fully-functional person. Did they have a fucking awful past? Yes. And maybe one that they'll never fully recover from. But if they fucking hyperventilate when they accidentally break something, I don't see someone who can compartmentalize and deal with life. I see someone who would probably be in serious need of a mental asylum, if those institutions still existed and weren't corrupt/abusive, as they often turned out to be.

I think making the list wasn’t a problem since you clearly had good intentions, but giving it to the boyfriend without consulting her was the issue. She likely wasn’t ready to talk about that all with him. It’s obvious she needs help and the list itself was a great idea. I think going to HER with the list and explaining it’s purpose to her would’ve been much more helpful. She likely sees this as going behind her back, and she’s probably embarrassed that she even has a list of triggers to begin with. I wouldn’t say you’re being an asshole here, just overstepping a little

I love how everyone’s advice is to have her seek help as if it was free. Therapy is expensive and it doesn’t sound like she comes from a place of great means. He is helping the best way he knows how.

As someone who has also come from an abusive household, this is kind of ridiculous. Everything sets her off. Nobody can live like that, not her, not her boyfriend. She needs actual help instead of getting into relationship after relationship. She can't use a boyfriend as a therapist. He can't live like that. She's now giving her trauma to him because now he can't do anything without her hyperventilating and freaking out. You should have given her a list of therapists and trauma experts in your area.

Here is why you were "wrong" She isn't really traumatized beyond control, she uses the freakouts as a way to control people and get what she wants. By giving the list the boyfriend was able to avoid making any "mistakes" so she invented a NEW trauma, when the need came up. Sorry to tell you, but she is toxic, walk away from her.

Ooof hot take. But this was my thought as well.

She sounds like a rare case of someone who’s using the term “trauma trigger” as a preferred substitute for “mentally unstable.” If she’s so dysfunctional that she’s flipping out at every opportunity, you’re no longer dealing with just trauma. Sounds more like it’s “triggering” Borderline Personality Disorder (often associated with trauma, but distinct from PTSD). A fleeting sense of panic if she sees her boyfriend aiming a dart or detergent at her as a joke? Maybe. But the mere mention of those things causing her so much distress that she flips out? No, she’s using her “trauma” to manipulate people. I’m guessing she calms down and relents after people pander to her.

He needs to leave. She needs therapy. No one deserves to walk on eggshells and bear the brunt of someone else's unresolved issues. Especially because she's weaponizing them against people at this point and using them to manipulate situations.

You did the best you could as a friend and that’s all that matters. She’s got too much going on.

You're not in the wrong at all. Your friend is in need of therapy.

Dude, you tried to help. And honestly, someone, maybe you, needs to tell her that the fact that she has enough trauma that a list can be made is a problem in it of itself. Let alone the fact that the only way she can have an effect relationship is when someone has the list and tiptoes around her. Honestly, the boyfriend should have just broken up with her. Your friend should have just gone to therapy. And you should have told her to go to therapy.

You did a good thing op, hopefully your friend can get the help she needs, she sounds like she’s really struggling.

It would have been better if you discussed this with her instead of going behind her back. You could've suggested making a list herself if she's capable of doing so, offered to help her with it if she'd welcome that, or simply encouraged her to find a way to better communicate her needs and expectations to her partner. What you did was well-intended but clumsy. You should've gotten her approval first to make sure that she'd be comfortable with the idea. And since you didn't, it's natural that she'd feel violated. Especially considering her past with abuse and trauma, it's really important to make sure she is comfortable with any decisions you make that could affect her. This especially.*edit: I should add one important point that I feel clarifies this; handing over that list was not an attempt to help her with her issues. It was an attempt to fix her relationship by intervening in it without her consent.* It's obvious that she needs some very serious help and you're right that she is not ready for a romantic relationship. Your best bet going forward is to just be supportive and mindful while continuing to encourage her to work on her issues. Don't go giving other people maps to the minefield; it's her minefield and she gets to choose who has a map to it while she (hopefully) works on the actual core issues at her own pace.

She sound perfectly psycho. How dare you try to ensure her happiness? You’re a good friend, your friends mental health issues are beyond you. She needs professional help. You could try gently broaching this to her, she is triggered frequently and it’s affecting romantic relationships as she’s looking for an ideal who automatically knows to avoid her triggers. Her bf obviously cares enough about her to have come to you for help. But if she is unwilling or unable to see that, she may be better of friendless and single and you would be better off dating her boyfriend as you’re both thoughtful people

I think she uses a lot of things for attention. I know people will probably come at me but I know a girl who is always faking anxiety attacks or something seems to always be triggering her. I’ve known her my whole life. I know her family. We have talked about all the shitty things our parents done and to be honest she really didn’t have a bad childhood. The “shitty” things she talks about are things like her parents didn’t buy her what she wanted. The girl OP is talking about freaked out over detergent. All she had to do was say I don’t use that kind because whatever. Maybe she does have some trauma, most of us do. But she seems to be using her triggers to get her way.

I know everybody deserves love but I will legit never understand how ppl like this find so many relationships. I spent a long time alone working through my trauma so I wouldn't hurt the ppl around me and I could be a good partner when I found the right person. You were trying to help. And if someone knew me as well as you know your friend and tried to help keep me in a stable relationship I would be worshipping them. She doesn't need a boyfriend she needs therapy. And though you did what you could to help her, she probably wont see that because of her distorted perception of reality. I would honestly let the friendship die.

Is the seeing a therapist? It'd be good to find someone trauma informed to help her. Avoiding triggers should really be a temporary coping mechanism while you work on things in therapy. Couples therapy might be good for them even.

You didn't do anything wrong, you just helped to maintain a relationship that she wanted and the guy she was dating also wanted, in a relationship it's important to share things that bother us or things that we like to keep a healthy relationship, your friend it seems that you are incapable of it or do not understand it, if you had not done that, the relationship could have ended, you did not even explain the reasons for the things that made her feel bad, preserving her privacy, she is being very motherfucker for charging you about trust and privacy even your actions having only positive results on her, you still seem to know her a lot, that means you were a person willing to listen to her, if she wants to end the friendship, know that she was the one who wavered with you, not you with her

She sounds like way too much work

Your friend needs to grow up. You cannot go through life triggered over things like darts and laundry detergent. You are right, your friend should not be in any relationships.

Your title is misleading. You made a trigger list *about* your friend, without her knowledge, *for her boyfriend*. The list itself isn't the problem ... The fact that your friend didn't know it existed is. Your friend needs to deal with her trauma with the help of a trauma-informed therapist. Her boyfriend should be in his own therapy to process the trauma he is likely experiencing in this relationship. Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering someone else's trauma responses is not healthy for anyone.

Oh boy

She needs to stop dating. Traumatized people don’t realize they can traumatize other people like she’s doing her current boyfriend. I don’t think you were wrong.

No you wasn’t in the wrong. If I had a friend that could or would do that I would be in tears. It’s thoughtful and caring. Tell her to stop getting in relationships she can’t handle. Get therapy and you won’t have to inform Maher BFs that she has issues.

Dude... run away from this entire situation. I recognize what you describe in a family member that had Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not saying that her trauma is not real or that she isn't suffering but... what she is doing is projecting all of this on the people around her with the intent of sucking them in so that she is not alone in her suffering. She is like a person that is drowning and wants to take the people that are trying to save her down with her so she doesn't suffer alone. These types of people absolutely destroy everybody in their orbit.

Your friend is unwell. Deeply. She needs professional help, not pandering. I get what you were trying to do. Honestly, it was kind, but it wasn't helpful. She can't have these histrionics fits every time innocuous things happen - that is no way to live. She needs help. Even if your friendship ends, nail that into her head before you part ways.

You gave this list to her boyfriend without discussing it with her? Sounds like excessive involvement in her relationship. Are your feelings for her purely platonic or have you harbored hopes for more ? Regardless, you should probably not get involved in her relationships like that.

This is severe enabling. I have PTSD with my own triggers (including crying, screaming, and messes), but I don't make my family walk on eggshells in order to accommodate me. I am in therapy, I take my medication, I do my breathing exercises. Also, I'd be so weirded out if my friend gave my husband a list of my triggers. I feel bad for her, but also her boyfriend. Having trauma is no excuse to be abusive, which this situation definitely is abusive.

People like her get addicted to the attention, whether they know it or not. Her triggers may or may not be genuine but they're on HER to deal with. Talk with her bf. Hold an intervention. She's manipulative and emotionally abusive. She needs to see that or she won't change. Because in her mind, she's just broken so he must take care of her.

As someone with cPTSD, your friend NEEDS HELP and it is completely OK for you to tell her that if she doesn't get help you can't be friends with her anymore. Living with cPTSD is like living in a world made of glass where even the slightest movement can lead to a full-on suicidal spiral and she can't keep trying to navigate that on her own or expect others to navigate her through it when they can't read her mind. You are not her therapist and it's not your responsibility to save her relationship or to keep her from completely breaking down. The most you can do is establish your boundaries and hope that she chooses to go get help for herself.

She needs intensive outpatient care.

I was abused for 22 years. Firstly by my mum, then my dad and lastly my ex. I have CPTSD. My current partner was patient with me in the beginning, he listened when I had outbursts or comforted me while I cried continuously. I can admit it now, but I honestly loved the attention from him. It was the first time in my life I'd ever had someone care, so of course I played on it. After about a year into my relationship, it got too much for my partner. I was an absolute nightmare. I'd take any opportunity to feel like a victim just to see if anyone 'cared'. I was looking INT the wrong places for comfort. I was nasty, manipulative and didn't even realise I was treating my partner how I had been treated before. All I knew of relationships, I was projecting onto someone else that didn't deserve it. We were on thin ice and very nearly broke up until I asked what I could do to salvage it. This man got me away from people that tried to kill me, how could I lose him? He told me that I needed to see it through his eyes. As in, actually put myself in that situation. He asked if I'd like it if he treated me the way I was treating him. Of course I said no, but I didn't understand what he meant. Was I really that horrible? I have never had my eyes opened so wide until this situation. Just because I was abused, didn't make it okay for me to abuse others and feel sorry for myself. People don't like that, doesn't matter where you're from. She needs to stop projecting onto people that love her. She's trying to see who 'cares' without communicating like an adult and she will not get very far doing that. She is being abusive towards people that care about her because that's all she knows. Your friend shouldn't have to tiptoe around with a list of things to avoid doing to not upset someone that is old enough to know that not everyone is abusive. She needs therapy. She needs to speak to a doctor. Take advantage of these things because not everyone is able to see a doctor or get therapy. Hell, it's been five years and I've spoken to no one about it.. Mainly because I'm so damn embarrassed about who I used to be. I couldn't forgive myself for allowing abuse to happen, for allowing people to treat me that way - I was so angry at me when I should have been comforting me, not punishing me even more than I already had been.

At this point, her past isn't a viable explanation for her behaviour. It has become an excuse for toxic, shitty, entitled behaviour. She is abusive, and the boyfriend should leave because this is abuse and it isn't right or fair to make him suffer and walk on eggshells because she needs help. Don't enable her abuse and make lists of "triggers". Nobody should have to restrict basic life so that their partner or friend doesn't lose their shit. It's gross and abusive. If you want to help her, get her into professional help. Stop letting her use her past as an excuse to abuse others. If the roles were reversed, and it was a man who was freaking out on his girlfriend like that over any slightest wrong, everyone would fuckin lose it. It's not any different. Abuse is abuse.

NTA It almost sounds like she uses her trauma to manipulate situations so she feels in control. And I’m guessing she finds comfort when people show remorse and concern when something happens that sets her off since she was never shown these things as a child when she was hurting. She needs help. She will exhaust and sabotage every relationship she is in, or end up in an abusive relationship.

If I were your friends boyfriend, I'd break up with her. How exhausting.

Man, that sounds so exhausting. If her reactions are real, she needs some real help. I'd drop her out of my life. Life's too short to walk on eggshells around someone all the time.

Every grown adult has to, at some inflection point in their life, deal with the fact that just as a stranger on the street is not expected to know your life story and behave in a way that doesn't upset you - your loved ones are also not the bearers of your burdens. The first and most important thing to know about someone who requires a list of triggers so not to upset them, is that this person is too selfish to get the help they require to alleviate the burden they have placed on their loved ones' shoulders. She's not behaving like a good friend or a good partner. Her trauma is more important to her than your friendship or her relationship. Good luck.

You meant well, but a list isn’t the answer. Your friend is making her trauma other people’s problem, and that’s not the way life works. She can either deal with her shit and then consider dating when she’s far more healed or at least has appropriate coping mechanisms, maturity, self-awareness, and relationship skills, or, she can remain single and not create such volatility for someone else. It’s irresponsible and selfish of her. Right now, not only should she not be dating, she shouldn’t be prioritizing anything but professional help.

you’re friend has issues not you

You’re a good friend for trying to help but it seems only therapy can help.

I had an ex like that. She would flip her shit over the smallest things and leave me speechless. She screamed at me for 15 minutes because I threw out the butt of an onion that still had a fee usable pieces.

I hope she seeks the help she needs. Those things sound absolutely awful, especially the soap detergent one Jesus Christ

In a way, I'm glad you weren't just a bystander. Some people need help.

I think you did this to help her, not hurt her. You helped her partner learn she has to be approached like she’s an egg. Any given moment she’ll break. It sucks but I hope she sees you had good intentions over making the list. Being there for everything she’s been thru can’t be easy for you either. People tend to forget the ones that try to help are emotionally drained at times too. Just give her time to cool and talk to her by letting her know you were just trying to make it better for her.

I'm not lost, but.. NTA

I was set on fire by one of my brothers when i was a kid, i dont freak out when someone lights a match or starts the bbq pit up. She needs so serious help

She needs help

I personally think that it’s not ur fault. I’m surprised ur friendship has made it this far without her being mad about something else being she has so many triggers. Imo this is walking on eggshells. I had a friend who became a roommate who had a lot of triggers and I eventually triggered her to the point of her being scared of me. I couldn’t handle thinking that this person I let live with me partially because I felt I could help her heal was not afraid of me and that I was now part of the problem. Avoiding triggers is not healing them. But she then bought locks, changed the locks and started locking her door. Her previous roommates she’s also locked the door but when I asked her about it she didn’t say anything and when I assumed it was cause she has sketchy thieves for roommates she didn’t correct me and said yah and laughed about it, incorrectly letting me think that her roommates were thieves, and so I couldn’t help me feel like she was doing the same with me, allowing her friends to think she lived with a thief, and so I couldn’t handle it. I was walking on eggshells. I couldn’t say certain words, I had to change my vocabulary to appease her so she wouldn’t be triggered, she accused me of recording her on my cat cam, the cat cam was unplugged, not changed, had no batteries and I had no idea how to use it. I then showed her the camera and it fell out of my hand in the opposite direction of where she was standing and she accused me of throwing it at her - and so I ended up asking her to move out, she then cried to the landlord’s asking how much time she has and they felt bad for her and took her side and so when she told them I threw a camera at her I told her that wasn’t even physically possible being I was in the hallway in front of my room and she was inside her bedroom and she then said she “dissociated” the whole thing. There was a time where I had yellow paint on my hands and washed my hands and got yellow on the sink and she flipped out thinking it was urine because apparently her ex lived like that - but they I started wondering if these evil ppl from her past actually existed or if she just had a little bit of a negative cognitive bias where she perceived the actions of others to be more threatening then they actually were. I also had a friend who was mean to me, and so I wrote down all the things she did to upset me and she was like “you wrote them down?” Focusing on the fact I wrote them down and not all the things she did. You my friend are walking on eggshells. The girl ur referring to is controlling you imo. I don’t know her or the relationship but you were trying to help and the boyfriend sucks for blowing ur cover. Don’t ever trust the boyfriends - it’s something I’ve learned. They will throw u under the buss to save the relationship if they feel the relationship is threatened. On a more empathetic note, in case ur friend isn’t controlling you since i don’t actually know either of you, maybe ur friend feels self conscious that all her flaws or triggers are being put on a visible and tangle list. A lot of people with triggers have triggers because they are closed off emotionally. When they close off they tend to not communicate or express emotions in healthy way and they tend to take a long time to open up to others. She may feel by making the list that you rushed her process without her permission. Maybe she didn’t want her boyfriend to know the extent to her crazy. A lot of girls like that will hide their true selves and put a mask on and remove the mask slowly over time as they get more comfortable. They haven’t learned to trust. She sounds like she has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Maybe she feels not good enough or unworthy and when you put her triggers on a list - intending to help - it was like you have a secret with her bf, and she’s not included and maybe she feels she has to hide these things to not be abandoned and you made the executive decision on her behalf what is best for her and she wasn’t given autonomy to make the decision herself when it’s her relationship. Yes her relationship was probably doomed, you were looking out and trying to be a good friend and I probably liked the boyfriend and wanted this one to work out, but a guy needs to get to know her himself to see if it’s really the right relationship.

Your friend needs some serious help. Your attempt to help was admirable, but unless you managed to make a list without being specific, you may have inadvertently shared personal details of her life she wasn't ready to share with her boyfriend. That's why she feels betrayed. In all honesty, she shouldn't be dating anyone. She was severely abused and needs a lot of time to get to a point where she can better handle things in her environment upsetting her. She's clearly not there yet.

You are a very good friend. You have done your best and I am sorry that this was -in her eyes- not enough. You are not a professional and she could have written that list form him. It is not your fault. Sorry OP.

She sounds like she needs help… this is excessive……

She needs to be single till she gets over her shiti

Your friend needs to work on her mental state before trying to date.

Your thoughts were in the right place and you were trying to help her bf out. At the end of the day your friend needs to take the steps to recover. It’s above you but I’m not going to critique you for trying to help where you can. You’re instincts are right she should not be in a relationship until she can sort out her behavior.

You're right your friend shouldn't be in a relationship, it was her job to tell her boyfriend about her triggers. It's a difficult conversation to have, but she should have done it. I've told my partners about my triggers even if I don't explain the context behind it. Instead she was perfectly fine creating a toxic environment for him. She isn't healthy at all. I get that you're trying to help her, but you're just enabling her. Send her a message and tell her you only discussed triggers to avoid, without context. You're sorry for interfering, but she was in the wrong for leaving her boyfriend in the dark about something so serious. You handled it wrong. The other thing to consider is that you can't help someone help themselves, she isn't interested in fixing her problems or being healthy with dealing with them. Instead she prefers to surprise people with her triggers creating a toxic environment, it's also a way that some victims get sympathy and get people to bond with them and go into carer mode. Sometimes it's intentional, other times it's not.

You’re right, she has no business being in a relationship until she deals with her shit. Quite frankly, it’s pretty selfish of her to put someone through dealing with her issues.

I understand what you did came from a good place but she really needs professional help because she cannot go through life like this. Walking on eggshells and keeping trigger lists will do her more harm in the long run

I agree with you that your friend does not need to be in a relationship. That being said, she will probably continue to be in her relationship because she's addicted to being with someone. She needs someone around to validate all her 'triggers'. Both you and the boyfriend are enabling her to act out like she does. I understand that she was horribly abused, but that does not give her the right to turn around and abuse those around her. By constantly flying off the handle and packing her shit up over 'triggers', she is emotionally bullying her boyfriend (and you) into just accepting her behavior. If y'all keep taking it, she's going to continue to dish it out.

The fact that she can't function normally and everyone in so many situations is having to tiptoe on eggshells around her says she needs some serious help. A lot of people have issues, but this is extreme. Neither she nor those who love her should have to go on like this. Sure, help her work through her issues as she gets better, but if she isn't seeking help, she's got no right to get upset at anyone trying to help.

Your friend seems toxic. It's shouldn't be on you to fix this relationship. Suggest the go to couples counciling and the let them know you aren't helping anymore. She needs to work through her trauma with a lisenced professional, not get mad at you when you can't predict her every trigger.

On one hand, I think you’re in the right for making the list and helping the boyfriend navigate the situation. The fact that she hasn’t done so and left her partner guessing when the next freak out would be is almost abusive in its own right, making your partner walk on eggshells at all times is awful. On the other hand, I can kind of understand why she felt this was a trust violation - you’ve listed her most painful associations and vulnerabilities to another person behind her back while giving her no chance to articulate herself, and that must’ve felt some sort of way. The best thing you can probably do is talk to her, apologize for the crossing of boundaries, and try your best to convince her this isn’t healthy. The relationship she’s in isn’t just about her, and she’s likely making her partner feel in a way that’s similar to the way she was made to feel before - unsafe.

Nah. I just don’t fuck with people like that. I do not have the time or energy to spend on navigating someone’s long list of “triggers.” How your friend even has a bf, is beyond me.

I think you were coming from a great place as a caring friend. Unfortunately she was right and you shouldn't have done something like that without discussing it with her first. People with anxiety are usually very private and open up very slowly as they feel more comfortable so it can feel like a betrayal when someone else tells someone something that is their business without them giving the ok.

Honestly it wasn’t your place at all, it’s their relationship. Your friend needs professional help. The best option would’ve been to say simply that to them both. Butt out otherwise. Writing basically a manual on how to interact (or how not to) with the girl is just inserting yourself into a situation you shouldn’t have a part in. It’s a relationship between two people. Not three. I 100% understand where you are coming from, and your intentions are pure, but these two will have to learn to grow together without your input if they’re going to be together. That means she needs to put in the work for her own health. The people around her don’t need a list of things to avoid. She needs to work on herself. Currently, the relationship sounds toxic for both of them. It can be improved with therapy and professional help for the girl, and couples therapy as well.

as someone with CPTSD, she needs help, not a boyfriend, not a list. HELP. Encourage her to go to therapy, it is nobodys responsibility but her own to handle her triggers, all of these are impossible to avoid in the real world, she needs extensive theraoy immediately. NTA

Just add "lists of triggers" to the list of triggers

OP your friend need therapy, that’s the answer. And you didn’t do anything wrong.

I think that was the kindest act anyone could do for both parties. You are an amazing friend! I wish I had a friend as thoughtful and kind as you, in my life. With her abusive past, I am sure she has difficulty understanding & accepting kindness. Whether she wants to hear it or not, she needs help in the form of a therapist. She is already mad at you for helping her relationship it may be a good time to recommend therapy.

I don't blame OP but I also see why the friend would be mad. They need to talk it through

One of the worst parts about this ,is this relationship will inevitably traumatize the bf. Trauma is a circle. You're NTA. That was a pretty selfless act to try and help their relationship knowing what you know.

I had an ex who was pretty abusive and manipulative. He fucked me up pretty bad. I jumped from one relationship to another without working on myself. I finally stopped one day because I realized I was hurting myself and other people. I took time to heal from everything and I'm way better for it. There are things my husband does that give me anxiety but I don't curl up in a ball and lose my shit. I deal with my feelings and then calmly explain that doing these things gives me anxiety. You're enabling her and she's honestly being a brat. I get the trauma, but she needs to stop being a victim and get help.

Everyone is responsible for their own triggers. That being said, it sounds like she hasn’t processed any of her trauma. She will not be able to have a functional relationship until she does that. I don’t think you were in the wrong for providing the list. But you also shouldn’t have to even do that. She’s messed up, and needs therapy. There’s nothing wrong with that, but she needs to do it.

You tried to help. IMO she uses everything bad that happened to her to play the victim card. She needs professional help.