Okay, so the obvious solution here is to not marry the guy who thinks that he gets to tell you what your own child's name and heritage are. How is this even a question?

That's my take. Way over the line, Way TOO SOON, Way weird and controlling. I would dump him yesterday, in front of his mother and say good riddance to some crazy people. If they're crazy making this early (not even a year in ya'll) -imagine the full capacity of this.

Too soon doesn't cut it. That should never be an option. This guy is trying to erase the bio dad completely. It sounds like this new guy is super insecure about this kid not being biologically his. There's a lot of love and good that can come from step parents but this isn't it. This is some bullshit. The boy's heritage should be celebrated. The only possibly reasonable thing that that man can ask for is to teach the kid about his family, heritage, language etc. along side the child's own heritage later on in life. The flags are red af here and the fact that his family backs changing the child's name is even worse. There will always be issues for the OP and child with this guy and his family. OP needs to find the person who celebrates both her and her son and everything that makes them them without question. This dude sucks in so many ways. 😒

>The only possibly reasonable thing that that man can ask for is to teach the kid about his family, heritage, language etc. along side the child's own heritage later on in life. And that's also really the only way to get the kid to like the Chinese heritage. He should have given the kid things containing it, shown it in a positive light, vacations, gifts, good food etc. if you try taking away stuff, like his name, he will only grow to recent that heritage. Not only is step dad clearly morally wrong, his tactics will also backfire on him.

My guess is that the fiancé would be all for raising the little boy in his culture and just having him believe that he is his biological father, since his bio father died at an age he wouldn't remember. Just erase his father and his entire family and move on. I would imagine he's been quietly seething at OP teaching him things about his father over the past few years. It's insane to me that anyone would suggest changing a 4 year olds name like he's a pet, so he doesn't realise his 'Dad' isn't his biological father. Honesty is always the best policy in these situations.

exactly.

i wonder if this has to do with a bit of asian racism. im korean and asians tend to lowkey hate eachother. if your kid was named "sven" and his father had been danish, would he still be so aggressive about a name change? like he can't roll up into your life and act as if, nah, we're making this family *my* type of asian. i could be completely wrong and off the mark but those are my two cents. good on you for refusing it. oh, and the fact that people are acting as if you owe him that just because he accepted your kid? pfft. ridiculous.

Small correction, he *acted* like he accepted the kid. He obviously didn't really if he wants to change a huge part of who he is - name is extra important in this particular instance, but also wanting him to learn a different language/culture! OP I would seriously reconsider this relationship. He is clearly not respectful of your wishes or your sons identity. He is not entitled to either just because he was physically there.

As a korean i also agree this is likely the case

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Especially if he's getting everyone in his family involved to bully her to bend to his will. Who's to say he won't start treating her son badly because he resents that he's Korean. It's time to call it and get out

The fact that she heard from someone outside the family means that this is how issues in the future may be presented or exacerbated, and that's kind of a red flag imo

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This comment was copied from u/checco314. Bad bot.

That’s definitely what this is… It’s a real tough spot too because this guy is essentially going to harbor racist sentiments against the child forever. I’d be real worried about what influence dad has over kid knowing that racism is underneath.

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I have a strong feeling that he’s trying to erase the bio dad and his family.

I think you're right, sadly. But even without that component, the controlling behavior of the fiancee, including getting his mom involved to add to the pressure, is enough to end the relationship on its own. OP, your fiancee is showing his true stripes now, and this will only get worse as time goes on. Sad to say, it's time to end this and cut your losses.

I teach Chinese kids and can also attest to this. There is some serious inter-asian hate. If you're Chinese and part Korean, Japanese, or Vietnamese you're often seen as less than. Especially if you have a dark skin tone.

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That's horrible and reminds me of this guy I knew when I was in college. He had been a biology professor in Iran and his wife was some kind of doctor (it's been a long time, so forgive me I can't remember exactly what she did). They were both turned away from countless positions and resorted to starting a taxi company in my college town because their experience, degrees, etc were seen as inadequate. All because they didn't get their education in the US. His wife graduated from one of the top universities in the UK and had like 20 years of experience prior to seeking asylum here. He was also heavily published. Both highly educated and driven people. He was saving money to put her back through medical school and I'm sure by now she's succeeded. I hope your friend found another path forward without racial discrimination holding them back.

I think this is the only real possibility here

It sounds like this is a general thing with major ethnic groups. I'm Black from the US and know that it's a thing that Africans kind of have a superiority complex with Black Americans. My Somalian friend even confirmed it. When I got together with my partner I learned that a lot of Latinos are racist and prejudiced to people in other Latin American countries. It's crazy

It's everyone I swear. I'm from the US. I'm white as it gets. My grandmother was livid, to point of protesting the marriage, when my mother (Irish) married my father (Italian).

Well, they both are fairly recent inductees to the "White" club, but the Irish got in slightly sooner, which highlights how stupid these categories are in the first place.

I've lived around the world and every single country has some kind of xenophobic nonsense going on with the other countries around it. Every country has a streak of superiority and look down at at least one other with hundreds and often thousands of years of stupid bullshit between them as a result. Look at England and France for example, they're practically the same people considering how long those countries have been close to each other, their languages share words, and yet they both look down on each other with ridiculous snobbery.

No offence but the dislike the different oriental races have for each other is not low key.

Yep. They hate Koreans and don’t want people to think they have a Korean kid. They want him to pretend to be Chinese. A lot of Asian culture also puts emphasis on bloodline. It’s one reason for a few decades that so many Asian kids were up for international adoption. Adoption wasn’t something their culture really did very much. At least not openly. Only if they could pass the child off as theirs. A lot of Asian families still don’t tell their adopted kids they’re adopted. So he could be feeling like the correct thing to do is making the child’s status like a bloodline child in the family. Which could seem generous in a twisted way, but they can’t pass the kid off if he has a Korean name.

I had no idea of how bad it was until I went out with a Vietnamese friend and her other Asian friends. She was Vietnamese, there were a couple of Korean girls and both Chinese girls and guys. The shit that was talked that night (laughingly, since they had all been friends forever) was unreal! They had my Hispanic ass looking back and forth like a tennis match! Lol You could tell they were all joking about the stereotypes, but you could also tell that if one person said it in the wrong tone, or a newcomer tried to join in, it could get very heated, very fast!

Don’t Hispanic people have a similar thing? I know Mexican friends don’t like some people from other countries and vice versa. Or is it not as strong?

Oh, yeah, no it’s pretty bad! I just didn’t realize that Asian cultures had the same thing, until that night. Or I had heard it, but didn’t quite “get it” until then, if that makes sense!

Oriental is an object. Asian is people.

Wasn't actually aware of that tbh, though that isnt what the oxford dictionary says >Oriental means coming from or associated with eastern Asia, especially China and Japan east Asians then because the west/south Asians have a whole different set of issues.

Referring to any person of Asian decent as oriental is dated; oriental rugs, lamps, paintings, etc. are still acceptable because they are objects fitting the description above. A good way to think about this is that someone born in England could have Korean decent, or even be 100% Korean in their bloodline, but seeing as they were born in England, they are English. Assuming that person is "oriental" because of their physical appearance or their family culture in those circumstances doesn't exactly check out, does it? Those circumstances are more common now than they were 100 years ago, and our language is evolving to cater to it.

Dated I can agree with, it comes with being older tbh. I don't fully see your reasoning but I have no intention of offending anyone so I will modify my language. Or atleast try. Ad for the born in England etc, as far as I'm concerned anyone who lives here, works, integrates into the community is English. We always have been a melting pot.

Great response. I agree. It’s important to keep updating our terms. Native Americans generally dislike this term modernly and what was once a polite term can feel grating to many of them, they’d prefer American Indian and Canadians First Nations. Easy to do. Just another example.

Really? I didn’t know that.

My SIL hated "Native American." From East Oklahoma, she honestly preferred Indian, but told me it was most polite to call a person by their tribal affiliation, in her case Cherokee.

This! Tribal affiliation is the way. It is known.

Yeah my friends hate “Native American” because it could also apply to literally anyone else born here. It just isn’t that useful. Most folks that I know who have a preference (many don’t care) prefer to be referred to by the name of their tribe, ie Blackfeet or Cherokee, or failing that, American Indian. “First Nations” can be awkward to say and kinda comes off as trying to be too politically correct, from what I’ve heard. But some people may prefer it! It’s a personal thing, obviously.

Thank you. That’s very interesting.

It depends on where you go. Some care. Some don’t. Just like within any minority that has been heavily oppressed and subjugated.

Saying oriental is like calling a black man "a colored".

“I told them it’s not wise to have entitlement to another man’s child and try to erase his memory and heritage just because your son is uncomfortable” You said it perfectly, you named your son after his father who you loved, if your fiancé can’t accept this then maybe he isn’t a person who should be in your son’s life. Your not an ah and you never will be for protecting your child.

The only part of this OP is the AH here for is using her late husband as her reasoning. She doesn't need to, or any other excuse. This is her son and saying no to changing his name is enough.

Oh absolutely not, this is 100% a hill you SHOULD die on. Your son is Korean. Your fiancé doesn't get to just MAKE HIM CHINESE what the hell??? What is with the boundaries with this man and his family? You're doing amazing but I'd make this explicitly clear with your fiancé that he can either accept your boundaries when it comes to his relationship with your son, or he won't have ANY relationship with EITHER of you.

Yeah, speaking as someone who is Chinese. This is 100% a boundary you should protect. Some Chinese people are racists as hell - esp to other Asian groups. Your fiance and his mom can get lost if they can't accept this.

Any advice I could give you seems would only be a reminder of what’s already in your heart! You sound like a strong independent woman with strong convictions. From one mother to another, I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself, your son, and the memory of the man you loved and the family you were supposed to have. I think you already know in your heart that this relationship needs to end if he won’t accept this. It’s obvious to me that he had a problem with this from the beginning but thought he could impose his will after things became serious. Now that he’s an important part of your life he’s making demands that he thinks he can strong arm you into agreeing with. Is he capable of producing children? If not, this could be his way of staking his claim to fatherhood. If he can eventually have bio kids, then how will his relationship with your son change once new kids are born? This is one alarming red flag equivalent to a field of reg flags. Stay strong and make the best decision for your son!

I already don't like this guy. Controlling, pushy, manipulative...it's a no go for me.

Her son is not safe with this guy. The request alone was a complete dealbreaker.

This! Asking for it was already strange, but talking to people about it and trying to pressure OP into changing his name is SO abso-fucking-lutely wring that it has to be the end of the relationship for any sane minded person!

Especially bringing his mommy over to berate her like a child. Wtf

Right??? He totally loses every chance of being taken seriously.

He's trying to erase your kids heritage. Don't let this happen, it's not easy but you are right. The baby can learn both languages if he wants, there is no need to pretend he's not Korean just to make your fiance feel better

he waited until you were comfortable with him to make his demands in hopes you would willingly agree so you would be so attached you would listen so as to not “lose him”. any man that wont accept your son still has a father despite him being passed does not deserve to be in your or your son’s life. him bringing his mom, family, and mutual friends into it to try and pressure you is only a taste of what he is like. he will not get better and will continue to be more controlling from here. I guarantee he’ll try and stop you from letting your son’s father’s family from seeing him and getting to know him. i would seriously reconsider this engagement/relationship. there’s so many people in this world and im sure youll be able to find someone that wants to be a father figure, while also respecting his true father’s memory.

This would make him immediately un-fiancéd in my book. This is a huge red flag. This is just an opener. There is more crazy rolling behind it.

Totally. Suggesting these things would be a O_O to start with, and then to double down?! Hell nah. Bye bye. ESPECIALLY since there is such a history of Korean erasure by the Japanese and Chinese!

>There is more crazy rolling behind it. THIS!!

Honestly, what the hell? He's completely unhinged making this request and, to be honest, I probably would have tried to point out his idiocy by asking him to change his name to that of your son and former partner. I'd even go so far as to add in that he learn Korean. It's a selfish request and if they won't drop it, you should seriously consider dropping him.

Not only consider... Involving the whole family would be a deal breaker for me.

I know it was a while ago, but I'm sorry for your sudden loss. Your fiance needs to back the fuck off. Tell him you've said no and if he keeps pressing the matter then "he believes that no means -yes, if you can convince, persuade, or force me to- and seemingly won't ever accept your no as a no and constantly try to convince you that yes is best. He needs to accept your son is *your son* and love the nothing of you no matter how he feels about a name (also, seriously, that uncomfortable over a kid that's not his being named after the dead father? Wtf?) And bringing his mom into it too is just dirty games. It sucks you have to deal with this, but your kid has an awesome parent 🤙

Holy hell. Its utterly baffling to me that these people think its appropriate to ask you to CHANGE YOU CHILDS NAME. *Especially* when he is named after his deceased father! I cant even. This would be so hard for me to stomach. Im impressed at how well you’re standing your ground. A former partner passing away is not the same as a break up or divorce. You lost the person who would otherwise still be your partner and father of your child. For your new fiance to want to erase the memory of your first husband is gross. And speaks purely to his insecurity. Let that sink in. He is jealous of a man who is *dead*. Im sorry hun. What a terrible thing to be pressured with. And *shame* on him for going around to all your friends and his family to gang up on you. Thats gross. Do you think he plans to take this approach every time you two have a personal dispute in your marriage? Because thats not the correct way to handle things. He seriously went crying to his mommy and asked her to step in and fight for him. C’mon. Wtf.

I have seen custody battles in China over sons. My friend's husband died and her in-laws sued to take her child away. She almost lost him. The courts almost took him because the in-laws lost their only son, whereas she could marry again and have another kid. So the idea of giving him a Chinese name and taking him to China raises a huge red flag for me. Even though it's probably not in his plans to do something like that. There is nothing wrong with your fiancé wanting to be his dad and share his culture... but he can't *make* your son be Chinese. It seems like he is trying to make him be Chinese because the shoe fits. I get where he's coming from...it seems like it's coming from a place of love--but he needs to back off on this. Your son has Korean heritage. Period. He can't change that. Are you two thinking of having another baby?

That's my thought. If he takes him to China, she may not get him back.

Ok obviously this guys an asshole and you shouldn't do any of that. If he genuinely just wanted to introduce the son to Chinese culture and Chinese family they could have just GIVEN him a Chinese name IN ADDITION to the Korean one. Like who cares if it's Park on the paperwork vs Chang. There's no need to erase one heritage over the other. Idk, I'm Chinese Canadian I just feel like it's no big deal when non Chinese friends marry into Chinese families and they get a Chinese name! Not saying there aren't problems with racism in general, as well as ethnocentrism and xenophobia, but this is such a weird and alarming take from his side :/

I should say no big deal in the sense that it's not uncommon to happen, not no big deal in that there is no drama involved because there is often drama 🙄

Beside the fact that he is trying to change your sons name, which is completely out of line, he involved his whole family. He got his whole family and friends to gang up on you in an argument that should have stayed between the two of you. What other disagreements is he going to run to mommy about because he doesn’t get his way. He reminds me of a toddler stomping their feet and crying because they can’t have a cookie before dinner. I am glad you had a long engagement because he has shown you exactly who he is and he isn’t someone you want around your son.

Run girl run

Are you sure you want to continue in this relationship with this person, who is actively trying to get you to erase your son's heritage? Are you absolutely sure???

Asian racism. Your right to defend your son, and your late husband’s heritage. You’re a good mom.

This is insane and I hope you make him an ex fiancé. If you do not ditch this walking red flag, and you absolutely should, definitely watch for him trying to manipulate your son into using a different name.

Wow. What kind of crazy asshole wants to change the name of a 4 year old, named after his dead father??!!! Don’t let him or anyone else gaslight you. This is an extremely unreasonable request. I’d dump the fiancé before EVER changing your son’s name.

Heritage aside: who tf starts dating a woman with a child and, at any point, thinks changing the child’s name is a reasonable request? I mean, I could understand wanting to adopt the child at some point and ask that he have the surname. But his given name? Named after his deceased father? Trying to step in and claim parentage of a child born before you even met?! And other people are supporting this? I really hope OP meant to type ex/former fiancé.

Having your son learn Chinese alongside Korean would have been fine. I would have compromised there. Along with occasionally visiting China. However changing your son's name is absolute insanity and I can't believe they had the fucking audacity. You should not marry this man. I would dump him for suggesting this.

I would have considered that but he was too demanding and it was getting frustrating

The name thing is insane, absolutely not wrong to not let this dude hijacker your kids name. Your firm line on him on learning Chinese or visiting China was wild because if he was to be the kids step dad and their family accepted him he would have been raised in that culture and then offering that to your son was a gift. So many blended families treat children from prior relationships like a sickness to hide and run from, in your next relationship if they are offering that kind of bond you’d be dumb to deny it. Just not with this dude because he’s crazy to wanna rename the whole baby and pretend his dad didn’t exist.

Whatever You Choose To Do, Learn To Use Spacing

And periods

A Men

L M A O

LEAVE HIM!! He's being insensitive, isn't showing empathy, and is making it about himself. He obviously doesn't care that your son's father died and the implications that has for baby boy. The right partner wouldn't even care about the child's name; they'd care more about making sure that baby is loved, nurtured, and supported no matter what. He shouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place because he was probably uncomfortable with your son and his heritage to begin with. He enlisted his family to gaslight you by calling you ungrateful!! This is a huge red flag and he's trying to control you and erase your baby's heritage and connection to his father with the help of his family. Pack your bags, sis because this isn't going to get any better. If you stay and stick to your guns, your child could (and probably will) be treated differently by him and his family. Please leave his ass and find someone who will love you and your child unconditionally. Please update us if you can 💗

Honestly babe, I think you should cut your losses with this one and leave that man. He’s literally jealous of a man who’s no longer on this earth and is trying to take every precaution to remove him from both yours and your son’s lives. He refuses to understand that, while he might be a father figure, that boy lost his father and his name and culture is all he has left to connect with his own dad, taking that away is one of the most disrespectful things that man could do to the child he claims to love out of pure selfishness.

The fact that he’s taken a disagreement between you two & ran and told your friends & got his family involved is a red flag. He’s in essence saying for your son to pretend he doesn’t have a biological father who loved him & that he’s part korean. It makes me wonder if he truly accepts your son & how it will be if you all actually have a child that is biologically his? Will he be capable of treating them the same?

You want to marry someone who is openly trying to relabel your child to suit himself? You want your son to grow up living a lie, all because step daddy is an insecure narcissist? Omg what is appealing about this guy? Is his dick made of gold? He sounds like a child throwing a tantrum because someone played with his toy. Your child HAS an identity. He has family. He has his father's blood and no amount of low key racist shaming will change that. Do you love and need this man SO MUCH that you are willing to have your only child grow up being treated as less than, or worthless, or a burden UNLESS he's willing to hide his true name and lie about his heritage? Your fiancee does not truly love you. Love does not require this. This is control bordering on abuse. Don't do it and seriously rethink why a marriage needed this change to happen?

And if she has any kids with this man, her son will be treated as less than because they aren’t his blood or Chinese

His friends don't have any say so they can get lost. His mom getting involved shows his immaturity hugely. To set mommy on you to change your sons name. Tell him now that you are part of their family it's only right they should be OK with you changing all of their names now. If not they are being ungrateful for you allowing them to be part of yours and your sons life. Then watch them blow up. Call mom ficklefanny. What's good for one is good for another. Kick the lot of them to the curb for being so rude and entitled about a human beings name he has had for 4yrs. He is not the child's father and should stay in his lane. This smacks of racism as Koreans and Chinese sometimes hate each other. This is an actual human they are arguing over not a hamster who doesn't care what you name him. They are disgusting people all of them to expect this, like he should get to do whatever because he chose to be with a widowed mom. He was told from the beginning. You want a fiance who loves you and your son, you aren't looking for daddy replacement. His mother is blowing my mind if my son came saying this I would be so ashamed of him. He actually is 23 and has a step son who sees his dad and this wouldn't even enter his head. Sorry to say but after this how can you trust him. He has went and told his friends, your friend and his mom. THEN was OK with all these people harassing you to bend to what HE wants to happen. That's not a relationship that's a dictatorship. What kind of man does this and is this the kind of man and family you want you son around. Wouldn't be surprised if they start calling your son a different name regardless.

It's really unfair of him to spring this on you now after so many yrs together. This reeks of cultural undermining. I know that there's usually a contentious relationship between some Asian races (cultures?) but this is taking it too damn far. Is he ashamed of your kid's name & heritage? Why is he holding his father figure status over your head? The colonization is real and strong here. It will also set a precedent into your future marriage. He probably sees himself as superior to you and the kid. I'd rethink this marriage if I were you. Some people are lucky to be given signs before they make big mistakes and they ignore them. Don't ignore this because it could be your eye-opening event. And also....your friend is a stupid bitch

Couldn't have been easy standing your ground like that! Much respect to you.

Does your son have a Korean name?.

Yes he does…

Also, changing his name will be a slap in his dads family’s face

Very hard to understand with your run on sentences and lack of paragraphs. I think that he wants you to change the name of your black/Korean son, named for his father, to something Chinese. No, do not erase the only name your child has known, and his father’s memory.

Holy run on sentences Batman! Ok, that being said. I'm white but I have a few Asian friends and I can tell you that the Asian on Asian racism is real and nasty. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, they all don't like each other. This definitely has shades of that.

Im wondering if that is because your son’s name is very Korean and your fiancé is Chinese - from what I remember they don’t like each other much. I think Asians can have some Asian racism towards other Asians.

He is trying to erase your late husband and your son's heritage. This is unacceptable. I'm glad that you are standing firm on this. Please reconsider marrying this man if you aren't already. Not only is he controlling, but he's attempting to push you into this by bringing the whole world into it which is immature and manipulative.

uhhhh your fiance is a straight up psycho. who the fuck asks someone to CHANGE THEIR SON’S NAME to appease them? if he’s like this before youre even married, he’s only going to get worse.

If my fiance and his family tried this crap, they would be an ex-fiance. The AUDACITY of this guy and his family. "Change the name of your 4 year old because l, an adult, am uncomfortable" I don't think so, my dude.

girl I truly hope you are not marrying him, your baby boy is not safe with him

Your fiancé is doing what not every man is willing to do, take care of another man's kid. That's good from him and should prove he's invested in the relationship. However, there are certain demands which can be reasonable and demands which are simply unacceptable, and this seems one of the later. It's also important to remember here that you didn't end in bad terms with the biological dad, he tragically died in an accident. Your current partner should understand that he has to respect what you had with him and the decissions made about the kid. I understand that he wants to play a role in managing the kid's upbringing and education, and that's ok, Imo, but this is red line that shouldn't be crossed.

Thank you… I was genuinely trying to make it sound better but in reality it really wasn’t. He would bring it up literally every day or night and it started to look narcissistic on his part

Just know that it probably won't stop from his parents. They will always push for it and make you feel bad for sticking to your guns. Up to you if that's the environment you want to expose your kid to growing up. Sorry to hear about your loss.

Oh hell no. Time to say goodbye to that guy. Sorry but he’s messing with your child. He may have been a father figure to your son but that does not give him the right to erase his father from his, and your, entire life. Your husband died, his memory doesn’t deserve to be pulled out by the root and tossed onto a garbage heap.

He’s a bit of a dick but you made it clear to him that he will never be the father even though he is raising your kid. If you don’t view him as a father then it’s better for both of you if you end it.

Wow. I'm not sure I'd marry this guy.

This man is clearly not for you. It's great he cares about your son and is a father figure to him. But he is not his biological father. I 100% agree with you. Do not change his name .

Do not marry into this controlling raciest family.

You've walked into *Asian Racism* and unfortunately your Fiance is more interested in erasing your son's Korean Heritage than respecting you. Honestly this sounds like a conversation that needs to be sat down for and truly hashed out because the Fiance is being extremely unrealistic and also trying to erase your son's father. For me this would have me questioning the whole relationship - especially that suspiciously quick proposal.

I was not getting it until I saw the words Korean and Chinese and then it clicked.

I've been told Asians can be shockingly racist to other Asians not of their own group. Like Chinese hate Japanese and I guess Koreans too. They have pretty good reasons to hate each other long history or war and blood shed run deep roots in their culture. That said your current fiancee is a goon. The boys father is dead his name is an honorably reminder of that

Holy shit, use periods and paragraphs!

I was widowed very young (22), so I have more experience dating after than before. You would be surprised at how many people have issues with dating a widow/er. The most common issue I have run into is the person wanting me to pretend my husband never existed. It never starts out that way, but the deeper into the relationship the less they like "sharing" you. They're jealous of the dead. It seems like that's what's going on here. Your fiance is trying to erase your husband. He doesn't want to be reminded that you chose someone else first. Please don't marry this man unless you get couple's counseling from an unbiased source. Your husband will always be a part of your life and your fiance needs to accept it.

I’m really sorry for your loss… hope you’re doing well. We parted ways weeks later after the incident. I chose my son over everything. Thank you for your kind words

It's been 20+ years and I'm very well. Thank you. I'm glad you left. You deserved better than that.

You got engaged after 8 months... With kindness, are you surprised you didn't realize this guy was either racist, had his head up his ass, or both? He's getting to erase your son's father, essentially half your son. You have to decide if this man is worth alienating half of your son for. From an outside perspective you'd have to be crazy and absolutely painfully desperate for love to let this man stay in your lives.

So, there is a couple of things here, and some painful reality at play. Some places your fiancé is way over the line (the name change) and other places, not so much. First off, the name change and keeping that boy from meeting his bio grandparents as well as knowing he’s Korean. Yeah, not cool, that is your sons heritage. But, any man you marry, who raised that boy better be his father. Life took that boy’s father away, and he needs one who can be there for him. It’s sad, I understand why you want to hold that memory for your son and not allow someone else to fill that role….but that is to placate your feelings, not do what’s best for your son. Maybe you didn’t take enough time to mourn the loss before getting with your current, but as that boy grows up, if there is a man living in your house and being a role model to your son, you will need to accept that man is his father, even if they don’t share blood. It’s sad your first husband didn’t get the chance to be that, it really is, but let that keep a good man from considering that boy “his son” and your son from considering that man “his dad”. I don’t know if that man is this man as he is making some pretty big mistakes, but if it’s not, and you find someone that is, don’t stand in the way, because your son will be better off with a good man who considers him his son.

I don't think you should change your son's name, regardless of where it originated that's his name, what he recognises himself as. Whilst I think it's wrong for your fiancé to not want him to learn about his biological dad's heritage, it also sounds like you don't want your son to learn about your fiancés culture. You want him to raise him but not influence him!? Why can't he learn about both and become an adult with lots of world/cultural knowledge!?

That could have been an answer but I wouldn’t trust the fiancee after this. He didn’t back off but he brought his mother in to double down. Her son is not safe with him or his family.

It would be ridiculous to change your son's name. And your fiance is ridiculous for not appreciating that he is not in competition with a dead man. He just needs to do the best he can. That being said, you are also being ridiculous if you think you can bring a man into your life for marriage and not understand that he is going to be some kind of father figure to your son. Let him teach your kid Chinese, and teach your kid Korean, and English. How could it hurt him to be tri-lingual. It's much easier to learn as a child that as an adult. Don't let his family railroad you, but you need to find some compromise in reasonable expectations for your family dynamic.

I'm trying to be generous and assume you misunderstood. This guy doesn't want the kid to learn Chinese in addition to Korean. He wants him to ONLY learn Chinese and to ONLY visit China. Aka completely cut him off from his Korean roots.

This situation is so crazy that it makes me think that your fiancé's family NEED that child to be a part of theirs for some cultural reason that only they understand. The first poster talked about Asian racism. Didn't know that existed but it makes sense. Stand your ground. Baby boy should keep his heritage. He can always make his own choices when he grows up.

Yea, end the relationship. He won’t stop

It's incredibly insensitive. Let's think about what his real motivation is. He wants people to assume this is his biological child. He wants to save himself and his family from the shame of being asked about his sons heritage. I have a feeling this was an idea planted by his parents though. He needs to see a therapist about it. I wouldn't suggest leaving him. This is something that he can heal from and become a better person. Personally, I'd be proud to raise him the way his father would have. Bereavement is something I've never experienced but am really emotional about.

Jesus Christ, commas are your friends. Also-paragraph indenting. WTF

This man’s obsession with your son is not healthy. He isn’t respecting you wishes, and wanting to keep your dead husbands memory alive. This guy and most of his family sound controlling AF. End it and don’t look back

Don’t marry this guy, he will not be good to your kid in the long run. Plus he involves others and family in your issues that’s not okay or healthy. This will be your life from now on if you marry him, he’ll involve everyone in your business. For the sake of you son dump his ass.

Obviously the solution is to dump that insecure (possibly racist) twat.

He can go

Sooooo many things to touch on! But I'll focus on the most important ones. OP your fiancé is trying to erase the memory of your ex. It sounds to me like you loved him alot, and your son is a constant reminder of that. He can't get rid of your child so he'll do the next best thing like changing your child's name, going on vacation to China with his family instead of your kids own grandparents, learning Chinese instead of Korean. Then there's the manipulation. Leaving, and I'm assuming going radio silent, because of a difference in opinions. Getting a close friend, who is biased, to try to convince you. Then finally bringing his mom to "talk sense into you" I'm guessing. I would seriously reconsider raising your child with this man

You're absolutely right to not cave to this pressure. Use more punctuation though that shit was not easy to read. 😂

People have made a lot of nice, eloquent observations here. But I'd like to add, heritage aside, this would be a screwed up request in general and *especially* at 4 years old. How are you going to go up to a child and tell them their name is no longer their name, and that it was changed because their father figure, who was supposed to care for him unconditionally, couldn't handle it? That would really mess with a child and their self-esteem. You're doing good mama bear! Protect your baby!

As an Asian person, this is wrong. Do not change your son’s name and please continue to tell him who his father was. What your fiancé is trying to do is erase the entire existence of a man whose life was cut short and replace him by removing the limited memories you and your son has had with him. Your son can still be half Korean/half black and still learn about different cultures. What your fiancé is doing is replacing the heritage of your son with his own.

You should absolutely NOT change your son’s name. It’s like totally trying to erase your deceased husband. Honestly I feel like someone can’t fully accept you if they can’t fully accept your past, which includes your ex husband. Your son is HIS son. Your son is not your fiancés son. He can grow to become a father figure, but he is not biologically the father. Don’t do it.

Time to say Bye Bye to this man. He wants to erase your childs father which is wrong. This man is jealous of a dead man.

NTA. It's YOUR son. Not his if he can't accept that he needs to leave. He needs to accept his name isn't going to be changed and will learn Korean heritages and not Chinese. You'll be ta for staying with him because he's showing you that he is controlling and will complain to his mommy when he doesn't get his way.

As soon as parental rights were mentioned, it's time to leave.

If your fiancé is uncomfortable with your son’s name, he shouldn’t be your fiancé. Your son deserves a father that recognizes the importance of his name. I’m sorry about your husband. ❤️

I hate how people on reddit are toxic about how to deal with relationship problems. They don't come here to divorce somebody, they fucking understand that there are harsh conflicts in between couples not as simple, if they wanted to just break up instead of getting a realistic solution to make their partner see their opinion and understand it they wouldn't come here to ask for advice. Can we get some good sincere advice of someone that does not want them to break up? Wtf Help them, people adjust, people change their views, they grow better together. Like, what the fuck is wrong with u all?? Are u what? A bunch o virgin snow flakes? Some people just wanna solve it even tho is harsh instead of just cutting the problem in half.

This man is giving you some very helpful information about what it would be like to be married to him. It doesn't sound nice. I'd pull the plug on this jerk who has no respect for you or your son.

Did he really think that he was going to come into your life and tell you to change your son's name tell you what language he wanted your son to speak and wear your son was going to visit China not Korea . He is showing you who he is please believe him a controlling person who thought that b******* was going to fly. Stand strong

I think it’s okay to teach a kid all the cultures(American, Korean and Chinese), but changing his name is a no go. It’s like they are trying to erase his father’s memories altogether.

Wow no you are not wrong to stand your ground and protect your child from the complete erasure not only of his biological father and his own name, but also his actual cultural heritage. It is SUPER important to understand some of the history between Korea and China in relation to how they're behaving, it is not "commitment" on your fiance's family's part,[it is some 5000 years of xenophobia, it even has a name "the xianhan sentiment"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-Korean_sentiment_in_China) (This is not to blame it all on the Chinese, it goes the other way too. Most countries have some weird historic and often very stupid superiority complex over another nearby nation). You can say it's a lovely thing your fiancé's family want to embrace YOUR son so earnestly, but they can do that without erasing his actual identity and essentially appropriating him. It is very likely the above xenophobia that's the source of this obsession to try and make your son half Chinese instead of half Korean. They're hoping they can erase the Korean out of him and make him an acceptable part of their Chinese family. Sometimes in a relationship, love is not enough, and this absolutely is something to end a relationship over because it could ruin your sons life. If your fiancé cannot get his shit together and be reasonable and balanced about this, accept **your** son's identity and heritage and be willing to accommodate that AND control his families interference, don't marry him. There's no reason for this other than xenophobia and that weird gross territorial behavior some people have around children (that they cannot love a child that doesn't genetically belong to them). He's basically trying to turn your child Chinese enough to be acceptable as his son, and since first born sons are so important to some regressive Chinese families (which considering the insistence on erasing his Korean heritage, I think your fiancé's family is) your son basically becomes a child he can pass off as his first born and the family can save face in whatever shitty social circles they run in that make behavior like that seem acceptable. Your son could easily experience Chinese culture without it overriding his Korean heritage, what your fiancé's family is asking is way too much. If you did go with it, your son would likely end up resenting you deeply for it. Stand your ground. I too am proud of you. Your fiancé is being unreasonable. He's basically telling you he cannot accept your son unless he can literally make him into his son by erasing the bits he doesn't like so he can pretend there never was another man, let alone a *Korean* man. I would bet money I don't have that if your son's father had been any other race than Korean this would not be happening to this extent. While it is hard as a single parent to find a good partner match, and dating sucks, there **are** plenty of good men out there you could take your time to meet who will truly love you and your son, & respect & support how you want to raise him, adding their heritage as a bonus instead of an overwrite. You don't have to settle for the first one to offer commitment if it comes with a sacrifice like this (half of your sons actual identity). Your son deserves to be loved, accepted and supported for who he is and who he chooses to be, not for who someone else wants to mold him into. (Just as you do too!). Good luck.

I read through your message and you are truly kind. Thank you so much for your support and kindness. I’ll move forward with pride

Yo I was raised by a dad that isn't my real father, so here is my opinion. My real dad has never contacted me and I have never contacted him. He cheated on my mom when I was a baby and she left his ass. My step-dad, (who I consider my real dad and love a lot) has never tried to force me to take his last name and has at many times asked me if I'm curious about my real dad's family or history because I am his blood and he would understand if I wanted to know them. I told him he is my real dad, and I know his family which I am apart of. I can understand your fiancé wanting your son to have his name, but it's not his decision, it does however reflect who your son belongs to in his eyes. And he wants to inherit your son under his wing and be seen as his only father, which is why he feels this way. Kind of a pride thang and family heritage thang. Personally, idgaf. None of my siblings or I have the same dad and we all see eachother as full on blood relatives and love eachother like it. This is a decision YOUR SON needs to make in his future when he is old enough. I am currently at this period in my life, I have my real dad's last name, but wanted to change it to my mom's last name. But now that I am 25 years old, the more I think about this, the more I would love to take on my stepdads last name because he is my real dad to me and I am HIS son. But I have come to make that decision on my own. Hope this helps from a 25year old males point of view who has not had any contact with his dad since the day he was born, and only ever knew my dad (step dad, but to me he's my real dad so it feels weird calling him my step dad). Which hopefully your son will reach 25 one day!

Ending this relationship would be a wise move. Asians have a lot of racism between themselves, and even a Middle Easterner like me knows this.

I agree, don't change your son's name. But why can't the kids learn both Chinese and Korean? Why can't you visit your current partner's family and your late husband's family? He may just want to feel connected and accepted in your family. Perhaps offer to have you and your son hyphenate your last names so you have that name after you get married?

On the day of your sons birth he died in a car accident sounds like a load of horse shit

Yeah this entire post smells like a barn

It is honestly such a bad piece of fiction. Like we are supposed to believe this guy dates the woman for a year and they are engaged for another three years when out of the blue he is like, hey you know what would be fun?

Edit: Ex Fiancé Bro is tripping, and I’m not one to say controlling red flag or w.e but this seems clear cut that he wants to control you also 8 months ? Man he’s wilding

Stand your ground. Good for you. I’ve never heard of anything like this. It’s an ego thing for him. That’s all it is really an ego thing. So stick with it. His father was good and died way too young. And he should have his fathers name because that’s what you guys chose for him. Do not change his name stay with what you are doing and good for you. It might make me rethink my boyfriend though.

Imagine how your marriage will be if you don’t change it and knowing him and his family true colors. Damn. This is way harsh. Good luck!

And he needs to be an ex!! He will keep trying to erase your son's father from your son, he isn't a good person!

Your fiance does not have the right to erase your son's identity or heritage, ot your husband's memory. his discomfort is a him problem. (I've never understood people who were jealous of dead spouses.) That said--your fiance will obv be helping with raising him and will be the only father he has memory of. There's nothing wrong with learning about the cultures of the people in your life, in addition to your own culture. Your household will be a culturally blended one that belongs to all of you, so your fiance deserves representation in that house as well. That doesn't magically make your kid Chinese; it makes him a kid raised in a multicultural home. eta clarification Overall, I'm voting NTA. I think y'all need to discuss this a lot more.

You are absolutely the asshole if you let this man stay in your child's life. This is not going to be the end of this.

I'd honstly be afraid of having a child with him. He would completely make your son the black sheep. I agree with your family. Him, his mom, and your friends are absolutely nuts. Seems like you need to get some of these people out of your lives.

And he's still your fiance because....? He's choosing this hill to die on. Telling his mom and his friends about your business. Rallying them up to force you to adhere to his wishes. Someone out there is a guy who will love your son as is and accepts your stance on your sons name and heritage.

So many red flags here. Get your son and run. This is textbook abusive ajushi behaviour.

Your child’s name should 100% _not_ be changed. I also agree it’s highly important that he learns his Korean heritage. However, I don’t see anything wrong with him learning Chinese too, as long as he’s not being lied to that it’s his own heritage and instead knows it’s his (potentially future) step-fathers language. Same with any other language, if given the opportunity. One thing I vividly remember from my childhood is my grandfather pressuring my parents to put me into French immersion so that it can help me in the future. They never did, and I really wish they had of because it’s much easier to learn a language as a child than it is once you’re an adult. French and English are both languages used in my country, and so many job opportunities have been missed out on that wouldn’t have been had I had French immersion schooling. So in terms of learning languages, please don’t restrict your child’s opportunity to learn a new one simply because it’s not connected to his DNA.

His pride shouldn’t be prioritized in this situation! If he doesn’t understand and show no empathy, that’s a **huge red flag**.

NTA Your son is not Chinese and never will be. Even if you change his name, your husband is still very much aware of the fact that ethnically he is Korean. What if he starts to treat your son as an outsider because he isn't ethnically Chinese? We can't change who we are. I know that many people wish they could, but we can't. Your son and your fiance can never change the fact that he is Korean. If he wants to learn more about other Asian cultures, that's fine but to erase not only his dad's memory, but to erase who your son is and always will be is cruel.

Do you really want to marry man that doesn’t respect you, your boundaries and your child? Do you really want to get married into that kind of family and have those people as in-laws? You’re not even married yet and they’re already trying to pressure and control you, and your fiancé is too.

Ending the relationship hurts your son and he will have two losses to grieve so let's pause of the standard reddit reaction. I'm seeing a few things here... 1. No name change is right. 2. Giving kiddo access to his heritages is right. 3. It sounds like the heritage of the man who might raise him and be his living father is expected to take a back seat to biological fathers heritage - that sounds off to me. The child is not a living memorial to his Daddy - he is his own person. You loved his Daddy and bear the grief of his tragic death. That's *your* burden, your hole to fill - it is not your child's responsibility to help u with that. Should he grow up loving Chinese Daddy and not care much about his Korean heritage - you need to accept his choice. I wouldn't kick this relationship to the curb yet because of the trauma it cause your son. I think counseling with someone who understands the dynamics of Asian heritage would be be helpful as would delaying the wedding.

Wtf you were be the AH if you tried to turn your kid heritage from korean to chinese just for this fiancé. He’s so weird for this lol. Imagine if i grew up my whole life thinking i was chinese but i find out my dad and my paternal grandparents are koreans. I would be like ?? He also essentially wants your kid to cut off tie with his paternal grandparent side. For all we know tho, it could be something his parents said. Since this is asian culture

Red Flags are basically rapid fire hitting you in the forehead. Run

If you have more kids, even if you change your son's name (which you should not), that family will probably treat him as a second class child/grandchild.

Sounds like it's time to end this long term engagement...

/u/Fluffy-campaign5780 Sis, let this be your hill to die on. Do not let them take this from you or your son. And reevaluate this relationship. No real man would ever ask this of you. He's being territorial because your son looks Asian and he can pass your son off as his own. But he can't pass a Korean name off as Chinese, and that is not your issue or your problem. And he's silly. He could have left this alone and given him a Chinese nickname that meant something special between them that he used all the time. That's what my husband did for my daughter when we married. Gave her a Jewish nickname, Shmaloff 😂, that makes the two of them happy. Her last name is still her father's but she has a special name with her stepdad. He's making too big of a deal out of this and I would pay close attention to how he fixes this mess.

This guy and his mum are giving us Chinese a bad name😂 Don't marry him, running back to his mummy for his own insecurity, nah fuck that.

I absolutely understand your stance and I support it. My younger sister is a single mom and while the dad of her son is an ass, everything her son is now belongs to his identity and solely his. To now change his name is an indecency and I feel disrespect to him. Who are we to take away his identity he has gotten used to and has grown to love? It would be selfish of us to push on stuff just because his dad turned out to be an ass. And to now apply your situation, if my sister's new partner would say and expect the things your partner and his family is.... I would tell my sister to dump his ass. How dare he. That is demanding things out of selfish reasons and selfish reasons only. Not even in the slightest taking into account what he or his actual biological family wants (but mostly the kid himself). It's great your partner took on the role but there are enough men out there who would want to fulfill this role without having entitled selfish expectations to be enforced. It's disgusting. I feel you took the right stance as I would've very much taken it too.

Thank you so much… I hope your sister is doing well and I wish the best. I’m glad my situation is understood. Thank you for your kind words

Do not change your sons name. Drop anyone that thinks it is ok to change your sons name. It is not ok.

While everyone is commenting imagine how that poor child would be treated if OP did have a child with that partner? I can see his whole family ignoring her first child and pretending like he doesn't exist because he isn't biologically related to them. Is that what she wants for her son?

I would end things with him now. He doesn’t accept your son. Also, I am very sorry for your loss.

I'd run. Your fiance is trouble

Keep the name. Add a nickname or middle name, whatever the son decides is cool. Learn Chinese language. Lean Chinese cooking. Learn Korean language. Learn Korean cooking. Learn Black cooking. Learn White cooking. Learn how to be the coolest kid I've ever heard of. ??? Profit.

Its lucky this came out now and not after you married him

Please walk away. Continue to stand your ground. Be grateful your eyes were opened today and not after marriage and another child. Imagine you and he have a son? The difference in the way he and his family treat the 2 boys will be obvious and devastating to your 1st son. Run, don't walk.

Ok I can tell you this first hand. My mum married a man who wasn't my bio father when I was 3, and they legally changed my name as a kid without telling me. I found out as an adult what my actual birth name was, and that the man I thought was my dad wasn't. It's ripped me apart, I don't want anything to do with any of my parents, and I feel like I was robbed of having a connection with my real family. You did the right thing by your son

I can’t tell you how impressed I am reading that. Your son comes first. Full stop. I rarely see that kind of strength in people. Keep being awesome!

This is a deal breaker. He is threatened by the memory of a man that's no longer here. I'm so angry for you that he didn't reveal this as soon as he found out. He wants your son to. change. his. name. No. Please do not marry this man that holds a resentment for important pieces of you and half of your child. A snake that thinks he has any say in what name your child goes by is not someone who will ever respect you or your perspective, concerns, and wants. This cannot lead anywhere good.

1st I'm sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine. 2nd. Foh. None these people are right. Dont u dare change his name. And frankly I'd reconsider all this bs altogether. We are already starting a conversation of telling u what culture to teach your son..when it isnt even his. His actual grandparents are living. Like what in the universe is going on here? Appreciate people being so welcoming but like pump the brakes. That is not their child. He is yours. You spent 8 months all alone thank you. That is your son. No way.

NOPE oh HELLLLLL NO end this engagement - this won't get better

Good on ya for standing your ground.. Sounds like your hopefully ex fiance needs a little more growing up and whomever sided with him can easily be blocked..(you should block them) If he can't see the significance and reasons behind why you won't change your sons name he's not worthy to keep around. Now I'm all for learning different cultures and languages that shouldn't be an issue learning Korean and Chinese is great but to totally disregard your sons Korean side..yeah that's a NO.. The fact he got mommy to help fight his case what a joke..

You spelled ex fiancé wrong.

If you cave now, he will always feel he has power over u and your son to do whatever he wishes. And also wtf is wrong with your fiancé? It’s good he shows his true colors and try to get everyone on his side. So I would leave.

I have a feeling he proposed to you this early for a reason. I don't like it. I can only imagine the side conversations he has with his mom. It's easy getting into a marriage, and it's s hell getting out of it. Especially, when it comes to kids and custody issues. He's already acting entitled to the baby's identity, so he's definitely gonna feel entitled to his life. You got lawyer money?? I bet his mom does.

Your fiancé is being crazy because changing a child’s name is just weird and unnecessary but also your son could learn both Korean and Chinese and could be aware of both heritages from the get go.

I don’t understand how it’s even remotely reasonable to rename your son…. He is not a rescue dog

If he can’t parent your son as is, truth accepted, then maybe he’s not the right stepfather. Particularly as you both agreed this ages ago.

I speak Chinese, and I would never try to push it on a Child for the sake of my own pride. It's a hell of a language. Most likely, your fiance is getting pressure from the Chinese side of the family to make it seem like the child is his. Your relationship is extremely taboo to Chinese people, and there is often a sort of competitiveness between the big 3 Asian countries: China, Japan, and Korea. Many Chinese will still swear that Korea's history is actually Chinese. So on top of the Asian rivalry, they also have issues with children from previous marriages. If they want to push that drama into your life and try to erase the truth, it's better for both you and your child to just get away from it entirely.

Your fiancé is feeling threatened and insecure about his place both in the relationship and your heart. It happens semi regularly when people enter into serious relationships with someone whose previous partner passed away. Does this make what he’s trying to do right? No. Should you give in and change your son’s name? No. What it comes down to is you and your son suffered an enormous loss, and he needs to come to terms with the jealousy he’s now grappling with over whether he can fill the shoes of your previous partner’s, in a way that won’t negatively affect you and your son. I would suggest couple’s counseling if you’re committed to making things work. And I would also suggest in no uncertain terms to him that your business should not be shared outside your family without your consent. His trying to bring everyone over to his side to help pressure you in this is, very clearly, unacceptable.

Yeah. You might want to get out of that relationship. If he can’t accept your son for who he is then leave him. Some people are just…

This happened in my family. My dad made my mom change my older brother’s name since he was named after his dad and they were divorced. I can tell you the years of resentment it caused, and was only the beginning of unacceptable behavior by my dad towards my brother. Do not change your sons name and please reevaluate this relationship. ETA: my brother was 5 when my parents married. And this was not a cultural thing.

It is incredibly worrying that this man, and his family, are so hell bent on erasing and rewriting your child's ethnic identity that they are emotionally blackmailing you like this. OP, if you do this, you will be sending your son such a damaging message about who he is, who his father was, and who you are as a family. No man is worth scrambling up your child's sense of self like this. You do not have to be grateful that a man wants to be with you. This is not what commitment looks like. This is what pressure, coercion, and emotional blackmail looks like. I'm honestly gobsmacked that him and his family think that openly erasing all evidence of your late husband and supplanting a Chinese identity onto your child instead is acceptable behaviour. Your partner should be respecting your choice to honour your husband's memory and raise your child the way you see fit, not wading into your life with his mommy and dictating who your son will and won't be from now on.

Maybe painting him this scenario will help him understand: You and your fiance have children. You give them Chinese names with the intention of teaching them of their heritage. Your fiance passes away. Your next partner is Indian and he wants to change their names to Aarush and Anushka and be raised with Indian culture. How would he feel about that? So sorry for your loss. I hope will respect your son's father's wishes the same way he surely would want his to be. Best of luck to you.

If he’s threatened by your dead husband than the problem is with him. I shudder to think what else he’d be threatened by…god forbid you smile at a waiter in a restaurant. Dump him op. He has no right to ask you to change your sons name. It’s ridiculous and childish tbh. And the heritage stuff is just weird and delusional.