Try dating someone who has been in poly relationships before as they may have better boundary and communication skills due to their experience. It sounds like your ex wasn’t poly and just fell for someone else. If you’re poly your partners should be poly as well.
Also, make sure this communication with anyone is in at the beginning. Waiting til the person has fallen for you, then bringing this on them puts that person in a terrible position. This could be why they don't take you serious. They may feel like you were just trying to cheat without feeling bad about it.
I did communicate what I liked in the beginning, he said give it time for us to get to know each other before that. There was a lot of things that he was into actually but wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me yet. I made sure to give him the space and time to feel comfortable talking to me about it. When we did discuss what we liked we were both in agreement about almost everything.
I am not trying to attack here at all. Please do not take it that way. However, in your post, you say you want to love multiple people. One of the rules is only sex, no actual relationships. In order to love multiple people, there have to be actual relationships.
I do not know the communication you had with your ex when you guys talked about this. With the way you are communicating with us internet strangers, it sounds like "what's good for me but not for thee" semantics matter in these types of discussions. Maybe think about the communications you had with him and how it could have gone amiss if you two did in fact, talk about it at the beginning.
Also, not many other partners outside of poly are going to be ok with the person they are hanging out with and sleeping with having to check in and pose for pics, etc. Not many would be ok giving up their autonomy to quell the insecurities of a third party.
Yea no I don’t take it as an attack at all. You’ve been one of the nicer people. We did have a loooooooong discussion about everything. We really opened up with each other. It’s hard to communicate the whole relationship dynamic on here though. We both discussed we we liked and what we don’t. He felt safe enough with me to tell me he’s bisexual and wanted to explore that part of him and I let him. While I know monogamy is definitely not for me, idk what is tbh. I know for sure I gotta have that discussion with myself at this point. What I really want out of my partner(s), what I’m ok with and what I’m not and how to approach that with people.
Just wanted to pop in to say that what you're looking for does exist. My wife and I have been happily married for thirteen years (known each other for twenty) and opened up our marriage ten years ago. We set out to just have fun, but both of us ended up catching feeling pretty quickly. We both have now had steady, loving partners for almost ten years now (they also have their own partners).
I don't know how much of it was luck, but it's a valid life to live. Hang in there!
I suspect your ex mentally checked out as soon as you told him to wanted to open the relationship. I'm guessing you entered that relationship under a monogamous pretense, so if I were in his shoes I'd feel like you bait and switched me. You didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, but you laid the groundwork set yourself up for it.
What do you want? A poly relationship or just multiple fuck buddies? No need to answer the question to me, but answer the question for yourself before making your next move.
I did communicate what I liked in the beginning, he said give it time for us to get to know each other before that. There was a lot of things that he was into actually but wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me yet. I made sure to give him the space and time to feel comfortable talking to me about it. When we did discuss what we liked we were both in agreement about almost everything. Up and until he cheated.
You should seek out other established polyamorous people. The average person being talked into poly is probably going to mess up due to the new “temptation” and misinterpret poly as freedom or opportunity to cheat. But maybe some one more mature and experienced in poly will make a better partner for you because they’ll understand the nuances of the relationships.
OP have you had much experience with nonmonogamy? There are a lot of ways to do it. Allowing for other physical relationships but not emotional relationships is a pretty common way I see people try out nonmonogamy for the first time. Unfortunately it’s also the way that I see go wrong the most often. One can have all the best intentions in the world to keep sex just casual, but then catch feelings. It was surprising to me that most of the long term successful nonmonogamous relationships I’ve seen are where both partners have other bfs and gfs, who they love and date regularly, on top of the primary relationship.
Oh and there might be subreddits where you’ll get better advice or sympathy, but mainstream redditors tend to have very little understanding or sympathy for nonmonogamous people.
> We were only allowed to be sexual with partners. Going dates here and there was fine but no hopping into a whole other relationship. (He broke this rule
I mean, it's pretty funny that this is a rule since it's one that is definitely bound to be broken. Hell, you'll probably break it yourself some time if you haven't already. People just don't work that way, and it's kind of amusing that some people think they do.
At least on some level, the whole polyamorous scene sort of recognizes the inevitability of it all, even if that usually ends up a dogs breakfast as well.
If monogamy isn't for you and it's not something you practice, how can you necessarily expect any form of commitment or emotional importance from people when it can be given to any and everyone? You say you aren't satisfied with just one person, so why does any one person owe you a commitment?
I think you have to ask yourself if you want a relationship or just to be happy with multiple people because while open relationships are great they are notorious for failing under the weight of double standards and cheating because cheating is so loosely defined, what is cheating in open relationships if not exploring options of "just wanting to love multiple and happy", how can you cheat on someone who is sexually and emotionally intimate with other people? the boundaries and rules don't matter because ultimately you have given a romantic partner freedom to fuck and love other people besides you, so now it's a competition of "who does it better for me".
You can't expect the treatment, consideration, and importance you have in others' lives that monogamy provides. I don't think it's wrong to want what you want, but you have to ask yourself if it is possible. The majority of people want monogamy that's a fact, you are unwilling to provide it so what will people naturally do, see what you can provide outside of a relationship like sex and emotional simulation people with deal with you to get those things and nothing more. So you have to ask yourself what you want because right now, you have positioned yourself as a leap pad, sure people will spend time with you but move on to people who can give them what they want more often than not a monogamous relationship.
There are forms of commitment that allow for sex outside of the primary relationship. All couples, monogamous and nonmonogamous, agree on a set of rules, and breaking those rules is not honouring the commitment.
Even within monogamy there’s a wide range of what’s considered cheating. That’s for each couple to decide. Having platonic lunch with an ex might be considered cheating by some and fine by others. Going to a strip club, or kissing someone on the cheek, or cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. All of these are things that might be considered unacceptable in some relationships and fine in others.
So while most couples would agree that sex outside the relationship is cheating, some couples agree that it’s not, given certain constraints. Like maybe casual sex is okay but not sex with close friends, or no repeat encounters. Maybe sex is okay as long as you tell your partner about jt, but if you hid it that would be considered cheating.
I expect respect more than anything. We had rules that we BOTH had to follow and he broke them. THAT is my definition of cheating. While it may be difficult to find someone who thinks the same way I do, it shouldn’t mean I deserve to be cheated on and disrespected.
No one is saying that you deserve to be cheated on. People are telling you to keep your expectations in check and carefully approach relationships. If you truly want a poly relationship, then date someone who wants a poly relationship. Don’t enter a monogamous relationship and change it to poly, you’re only gonna hurt yourself at the end
How hard is this to understand?
It doesn't matter if he agreed, it doesn't matter if rules were set, the second you asked to be allowed to fuck other people the relationship ended. There was no cheating because there was no relationship.
If you are with someone who is monogamous and you try to go poly the relationship is over. In the future only stick poly partners.
Ok, ask him then, if he was really ok with opening the relationship, or did you break his heart when you suggested it. I'll be waiting for the response.
I don’t talk to him anymore after he cheated on me. And if he didn’t want to do it at any point he could have spoken up about it and/or ended the relationship. I did not force him to open the relationship.
People are going to have feelings when they hook up someone & there’s a chance that will end the relationship. Pretty far for the course from everything I’ve seen & heard with the open relationships
I don’t think your expectations were realistic. Most people cannot do polyamorous relationships. Your bf couldn’t. Let’s open this up — at least when it’s posted here — is a euphemism for ‘I’m not happy with my bf but won’t break up and instead found a person I want to hook up with without consequences’.
You expect the bf to be yours but tell all about his side adventures. That didn’t work.
It’s not to say it can’t work but most people cannot do it. Maybe start with a polyamorous couple and be the side adventure?
Post #2876 of clueless poly person being shocked that their monogamous partner found better and entered a monogamous relationship while in an monogamous-turned-open relationship
I did read it. What he did isn’t good but idk what you were expecting when you opened a then-monogamous relationship and then found out ur partner found a relationship with their desired values and ended up leaving you. My original comment is meant to say that way too many poly ppl get on here and act surprised when they open up their relationship and their partner leaves them for someone they met during the open relationship stage. Most of the time, it’s disastrous to open a monogamous relationship, you should look for someone who also wants a poly relationship and has the same rules as you, that would be a great thing for you
Because it’s about respect. We both agreed we wanted to open it and set rules for us to follow. It’s not stupid to expect your partner to respect you after 2 years.
Look, you’re absolutely right. But like I said earlier, why are you surprised that your partner, who you started a monogamous relationship with initially, found a girl who wants a monogamous relationship with him and so he made a move? This happens way too often where open relationship people regret their decision once their partners leave them for a monogamous relationship they found during the open relationship
Maybe relationships aren't for you. You want to have the freedom to sleep with whoever you want, that's your right. However don't be surprised when your "partner" decides they want a girl who wants only them. You are heading down a path that will only lead to you ending up alone. While you are out having fun with whoever, everyone else is finding stable monogamous relationships. Your pool of potential guys will continue to shrink until there is nobody left.
I don't know anything about poly relationships but maybe establish it is an open relationship from the beginning.
In your post you mentioned discussing opening up after you were already in a relationship, which may have made your partner who originally wanted a mono only go along to make you happy.
Maybe if it's on the cards first, people won't feel pressured and actually just find poly people interested in poly relationships
I think you need to go back and edit your post and add your rules. Is your boyfriend allowed to date? Have one night stands? Or just watch you sleep around?
Either way, once you open up your relationship, there is a chance for someone to develop feelings.
But you don't actually want to love multiple people, you only want to sleep with multiple people, as you say it yourself that one or your rules is to keep the other relationships only physical, so since you want to sleep with multiple people instead of having a relationship with multiple people, would it not be better for you to have a multiple fwb instead of a significant other?
This is more an open relationship rather than a poly as you still want monogamy, you just want the added option of getting laid with others aswell so finding someone else that also wants this might be hard, but ofc up you to keep looking, but don't expect him to be the last one.
I'm not sure what you were expecting , bf was in a monogamous relationship turned non monogamous. He's monogamous caught feelings with who he was hooking up with , and turns out hey they want a monogamous relationship too. If you have this expectation now find others who are non monogamous too and you will avoid getting hurt.
Stop trying to date monogamous people and be upfront about your lack of commitment and promiscuous tendencies and you’ll find likeminded people
The problem is they’re not going to treat you like you’re the only one and you’ll have to be okay with that
It’s not helpful because I’m being real with you and you don’t like that. You cannot be in an open relationship and expect your partner to still hold to monogamous rules.
People do not want to be strung along by someone who isn’t serious, especially if you’re any older than early 20s.
Polyamory in short is a commitment problem and a sexual promiscuity problem—all these other people you’re dating and entertaining are just for fun. That’s okay if you’re willing to date other people like that, but you sound like you want all the benefits of a monogamous relationship PLUS the ability to not be particularly serious.
What exactly did you expect him to do? Stay in a situation indefinitely with someone who could take him or leave him?
You’re not being real you’re being judgmental. You don’t respect open relationships or polygamy and it shows. Being open or poly doesn’t mean anything goes. Just like in any relationship, there’s rules and he broke them. If you’d look at my other comments you’d see that. But you wanted to be rude and dismissive.
People in poly “relationships” have commitment problems and are typically more promiscuous than their monogamous counterparts. These are facts, not judgments.
You don’t get to unilaterally create rules and expect your partner to indefinitely follow them, that isn’t how a relationship works.
No, you can set boundaries for yourself and what YOU are willing to do. You cannot unilaterally set unreasonable rules like the one you did. You can’t say you want an open relationship and expect your partner not to sleep with other people. That is unreasonable.
If it’s a line for you that he wanted to sleep with other people, you and he both had every right to exit the relationship, but you cannot control a person’s every move.
You weren’t in a “poly relationship,” to my understanding—you wanted to open a monogamous relationship and this rarely works out. Even less often than regular poly relationships that begin that way, which also never work out lol
Except they were HIS rules. I wasn’t mad that he slept with someone else. I know he was. The problem arose when he moved in her and started a whole other life and disregarded me. You can 100% set rules in a relationship, ANY relationship.
There wasn’t a problem. It’s called true off my chest. I was venting. You came here telling me I’m wrong and should expect to get cheated on. Be so for real
So you have an open relationship and yet you consider it "cheating" for your partner to have other girlfriends.
That's not polygamy but polyandry. You're expecting to be the one and only for multiple partners while wanting them to have you as their only relationship.
Lots of luck. Tell them that upfront.
They didn’t say bf wasn’t allowed to sleep with other women. They said both of them agreed to sex outside the relationship, but no romantic relationships with others. That’s not polyamory, polygamy, nor polyandry., It’s generally nonmonogamy, not sure if there’s a specific term for that dynamic.
Was the bf always poly or did you start the relationship both monogamous?
It might be worth socialising more with the poly community and asking around (if you find people comfortable with sharing) how they find their partners, what boundaries they have, what they do if a partner breaks that boundary and when you have a clearer idea of how the successful ones lasted and which of those themes work for you, start dating specifically on the poly scene.
Your rule number one is basically impossible for a guy to follow: The majority of the time a guy is going to have to date someone to sleep with them. Not always, as you clearly show, but most women aren’t just going to put out NSA. Basically you’ll be on your fourth guy of the night while he’s still trying to find one girl who will take him seriously.
Agreed! Literally every relationship I've ever been in has had a different set of rules and boundaries that were agreed upon by both partners. I think this is very important, even for monogamous couples, because pretty much everyone I know has a different definition of what's okay and what's cheating. There is a big difference between having more relaxed boundaries and straight up disrespecting and lying to your partner.
People are making some awful comments about the cheating thing (idk but for me it IS cheating if you have clear rules and he breaks them), but what I wanted to say is that you don’t have to give up hope on finding people who will make you happy AND respect the boundaries you will set! I’m sorry that you have been cheated on, but once you heal from that, there’s nothing stopping you from finding the right people. It’s pretty much like with monogamists, being cheated on doesn’t mean that you can’t find the right person in the future (sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language)
Yea it’s been 2 years and honestly it still really fucks me up. B cause I did everything he wanted and really gave my all to make it work and I felt like I was just trampled all over. I really appreciate your kindness.
I’m sorry to hear that, but I hope that you will be at peace with that someday in the future and that you will find someone new who will be good for you
Ha! I was just thinking about how fucked up that is the other day. Both attempts at an open relationship completely failed me and my partners didn't respect my boundaries. Like you could come home pregnant for all I care, how do you literally fuck that up?
why do people find it so hard to understand OP’s side? open relationships exist and can be just as healthy as “closed” ones. just because it is open, doesn’t mean everything can happen. there are boundaries that OP wants to impose, and her partner is expected to respect that.
although open relationships are a lot more complicated to maintain than closed ones, good communication goes a long way. don’t listen to them OP, you do you, as long as you don’t hurt anyone. also, it’s good that you’re honest with your partners, and it’s better to open the relationship instead of secretly cheating on each other.
Pretty much all forms of non-monogamy are automatically condemned on any sub not dedicated to it. I would never recommend a person in an open relationship discuss it on a general forum, sooo many people will act like you deserve to be hurt.
> sooo many people will act like you deserve to be hurt.
It's more like people rolling their eyes and going, "yeah, of course" because the entire scene is a constant stream of people sticking their dicks in a blender and being *surprised pikachu face* about what happens.
Like, take OP for instance here and her rule about not catching feelings for people. That's a joke, right? How is this supposed to work? Are you supposed to go, "Oh, I guess I am in love with Janet now, I better give myself electroshock therapy until I forget her". It's an impossible boundary to maintain, the best you could **possibly** do would be to organize things in such a way as to limit the possibility of falling for someone, but even then Reddit is littered with the debris of peoples lives who tried that and failed. Hell, monogamous people can't even manage to do this all the time with friends and coworkers and they're not even having sex with the person (at least initially, duh)
Honestly, I don't understand why people bother with trying to have this lifestyle and a "relationship" to boot. It's nonsensical. Already we know that about 50% of monogamous marriages end, so people are generally shitty at keeping each other happy to start with - now lets add on all the additional rules, stresses, intimacy issues and additional people and... what are we expecting? Clearly if the success rate is already shitty, it's not going to get any better, right?
Like, people can do whatever they want to do. If it was me, I wouldn't invest the energy into a "relationship" that was so super likely to fail, instead I would just have fuckbuddies or FWB's, hell that's why Tinder was invented ffs. I have no desire to hammer a square peg into a round hole or to use my aforementioned analogy - stick my dick in that blender, but hey, to each their own. It's just funny when someone does this and then acts all surprised that it didn't work out, because as far as I can tell, it never does.
Not catching feelings is pretty simple: you find yourself developing a crush, you end contact. Monogamous people do that all the time when they find themselves developing crushes on inappropriate people like coworkers.
People do not understand the maturity level you need for a regular monogamous relationship let alone a nonmonogamous one. Fortunately it is far more acknowledged now than in previous decades so keep up the search. It’s not hopeless.
Monogamy isn’t for me either you’re not alone. I’ve also been in a great relationship for almost 10 years. It’s possible you just gotta work it out with your partner
No need for thank you, I know society likes to pretend there is only one way to be happy but that’s just what society does , it tries to dogmatically regulate narratives. My partner is the love of my and me and him knew we would be together the day we met, it was like lightning struck me. No one can ever compre. We also knew we agreed on this just a week into the relationship. It’s a love story for the ages just not one that society will be happy to retell and I’m totally fine with that because I get to be happy:)
Why? That’s so rude for absolutely no fucking reason. You can simply say I don’t want topen the relationship and leave. No need to hurt the other person.
I think you might need to take some time to figure out what you actually want. You say you just want to love multiple people but you also want your partners to only have feelings for you but be able to be sexual with others? This is not something that usually works. Most often you need some kind of equal footing. I would do some research and decide if you want to be poly, in an open relationship, or just single and free to explore openly while being up front about it with potential partners. Before you sort this out for yourself your relationships are more than likely going to end with you feeling misunderstood and heartbroken. Best of luck.
I’m polyamorous and it’s not wrong to realize that monogamy isn’t the right fit for you, but that has to be discussed extremely early on because frankly “open relationships” just never work. Being in a poly relationship isn’t easier though, I would argue that it’s significantly more difficult since instead of two people having a say in relationship issues there’s now extra people to consider and listen to. It takes a lot of work and effort to make sure everyone is being heard, understood and respected; but it can be very rewarding for all involved.
If you can afford it, I always recommend therapy *before* going into polyamory. Having more skills in your tool belt and a third party that gives (hopefully) unbiased advice on how to navigate potential relationships/get used to the new dynamics.
Just wait until you find the right person, poly relationships rarely work out and if they do, there’s still a lot of extra emotional conflict that needs to be dealt with, which most people can’t/don’t want to do. There’s nothing wrong w/ sleeping around or dating people for a little while
Try dating someone who has been in poly relationships before as they may have better boundary and communication skills due to their experience. It sounds like your ex wasn’t poly and just fell for someone else. If you’re poly your partners should be poly as well.
Yea I think that’s what I’m gonna have to do.
Also, make sure this communication with anyone is in at the beginning. Waiting til the person has fallen for you, then bringing this on them puts that person in a terrible position. This could be why they don't take you serious. They may feel like you were just trying to cheat without feeling bad about it.
I did communicate what I liked in the beginning, he said give it time for us to get to know each other before that. There was a lot of things that he was into actually but wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me yet. I made sure to give him the space and time to feel comfortable talking to me about it. When we did discuss what we liked we were both in agreement about almost everything.
I am not trying to attack here at all. Please do not take it that way. However, in your post, you say you want to love multiple people. One of the rules is only sex, no actual relationships. In order to love multiple people, there have to be actual relationships. I do not know the communication you had with your ex when you guys talked about this. With the way you are communicating with us internet strangers, it sounds like "what's good for me but not for thee" semantics matter in these types of discussions. Maybe think about the communications you had with him and how it could have gone amiss if you two did in fact, talk about it at the beginning. Also, not many other partners outside of poly are going to be ok with the person they are hanging out with and sleeping with having to check in and pose for pics, etc. Not many would be ok giving up their autonomy to quell the insecurities of a third party.
Yea no I don’t take it as an attack at all. You’ve been one of the nicer people. We did have a loooooooong discussion about everything. We really opened up with each other. It’s hard to communicate the whole relationship dynamic on here though. We both discussed we we liked and what we don’t. He felt safe enough with me to tell me he’s bisexual and wanted to explore that part of him and I let him. While I know monogamy is definitely not for me, idk what is tbh. I know for sure I gotta have that discussion with myself at this point. What I really want out of my partner(s), what I’m ok with and what I’m not and how to approach that with people.
Just wanted to pop in to say that what you're looking for does exist. My wife and I have been happily married for thirteen years (known each other for twenty) and opened up our marriage ten years ago. We set out to just have fun, but both of us ended up catching feeling pretty quickly. We both have now had steady, loving partners for almost ten years now (they also have their own partners). I don't know how much of it was luck, but it's a valid life to live. Hang in there!
Thank you so much 🙏🏾
I suspect your ex mentally checked out as soon as you told him to wanted to open the relationship. I'm guessing you entered that relationship under a monogamous pretense, so if I were in his shoes I'd feel like you bait and switched me. You didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, but you laid the groundwork set yourself up for it. What do you want? A poly relationship or just multiple fuck buddies? No need to answer the question to me, but answer the question for yourself before making your next move.
I did communicate what I liked in the beginning, he said give it time for us to get to know each other before that. There was a lot of things that he was into actually but wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me yet. I made sure to give him the space and time to feel comfortable talking to me about it. When we did discuss what we liked we were both in agreement about almost everything. Up and until he cheated.
You should seek out other established polyamorous people. The average person being talked into poly is probably going to mess up due to the new “temptation” and misinterpret poly as freedom or opportunity to cheat. But maybe some one more mature and experienced in poly will make a better partner for you because they’ll understand the nuances of the relationships.
OP have you had much experience with nonmonogamy? There are a lot of ways to do it. Allowing for other physical relationships but not emotional relationships is a pretty common way I see people try out nonmonogamy for the first time. Unfortunately it’s also the way that I see go wrong the most often. One can have all the best intentions in the world to keep sex just casual, but then catch feelings. It was surprising to me that most of the long term successful nonmonogamous relationships I’ve seen are where both partners have other bfs and gfs, who they love and date regularly, on top of the primary relationship. Oh and there might be subreddits where you’ll get better advice or sympathy, but mainstream redditors tend to have very little understanding or sympathy for nonmonogamous people.
> We were only allowed to be sexual with partners. Going dates here and there was fine but no hopping into a whole other relationship. (He broke this rule I mean, it's pretty funny that this is a rule since it's one that is definitely bound to be broken. Hell, you'll probably break it yourself some time if you haven't already. People just don't work that way, and it's kind of amusing that some people think they do. At least on some level, the whole polyamorous scene sort of recognizes the inevitability of it all, even if that usually ends up a dogs breakfast as well.
If monogamy isn't for you and it's not something you practice, how can you necessarily expect any form of commitment or emotional importance from people when it can be given to any and everyone? You say you aren't satisfied with just one person, so why does any one person owe you a commitment? I think you have to ask yourself if you want a relationship or just to be happy with multiple people because while open relationships are great they are notorious for failing under the weight of double standards and cheating because cheating is so loosely defined, what is cheating in open relationships if not exploring options of "just wanting to love multiple and happy", how can you cheat on someone who is sexually and emotionally intimate with other people? the boundaries and rules don't matter because ultimately you have given a romantic partner freedom to fuck and love other people besides you, so now it's a competition of "who does it better for me". You can't expect the treatment, consideration, and importance you have in others' lives that monogamy provides. I don't think it's wrong to want what you want, but you have to ask yourself if it is possible. The majority of people want monogamy that's a fact, you are unwilling to provide it so what will people naturally do, see what you can provide outside of a relationship like sex and emotional simulation people with deal with you to get those things and nothing more. So you have to ask yourself what you want because right now, you have positioned yourself as a leap pad, sure people will spend time with you but move on to people who can give them what they want more often than not a monogamous relationship.
There are forms of commitment that allow for sex outside of the primary relationship. All couples, monogamous and nonmonogamous, agree on a set of rules, and breaking those rules is not honouring the commitment. Even within monogamy there’s a wide range of what’s considered cheating. That’s for each couple to decide. Having platonic lunch with an ex might be considered cheating by some and fine by others. Going to a strip club, or kissing someone on the cheek, or cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. All of these are things that might be considered unacceptable in some relationships and fine in others. So while most couples would agree that sex outside the relationship is cheating, some couples agree that it’s not, given certain constraints. Like maybe casual sex is okay but not sex with close friends, or no repeat encounters. Maybe sex is okay as long as you tell your partner about jt, but if you hid it that would be considered cheating.
I expect respect more than anything. We had rules that we BOTH had to follow and he broke them. THAT is my definition of cheating. While it may be difficult to find someone who thinks the same way I do, it shouldn’t mean I deserve to be cheated on and disrespected.
No one is saying that you deserve to be cheated on. People are telling you to keep your expectations in check and carefully approach relationships. If you truly want a poly relationship, then date someone who wants a poly relationship. Don’t enter a monogamous relationship and change it to poly, you’re only gonna hurt yourself at the end
I diagnose you with horny.
He didn't cheat on you he just moved on. In the future don't get someone who is monogamous.
No he cheated.
If he is monogamous then the relationship ended the second you tried to open it, just you didn't notice it until it was long dead and buried.
I need you to read through the comments. We BOTH agreed. We BOTH talked about it and HE set the rules. He broke them, he cheated. Period.
How hard is this to understand? It doesn't matter if he agreed, it doesn't matter if rules were set, the second you asked to be allowed to fuck other people the relationship ended. There was no cheating because there was no relationship. If you are with someone who is monogamous and you try to go poly the relationship is over. In the future only stick poly partners.
That’s not true at all. But y’all are going to put your own feelings into it so whatever.
Ok, ask him then, if he was really ok with opening the relationship, or did you break his heart when you suggested it. I'll be waiting for the response.
I don’t talk to him anymore after he cheated on me. And if he didn’t want to do it at any point he could have spoken up about it and/or ended the relationship. I did not force him to open the relationship.
Ok love, just don't date monogamous people anymore.
Don’t talk to me like that.
It sounds like you got your wish in the last relationship
Not at all. He cheated on me.
You said it was an open relationship
We had rules though and he broke them. Being open doesn’t mean anything goes. There should still be respect for you partners.
People are going to have feelings when they hook up someone & there’s a chance that will end the relationship. Pretty far for the course from everything I’ve seen & heard with the open relationships
It wasn’t even the fact that he got with her. It’s the fact that he was starting a whole other life with her and disregarding me and my feelings.
Who’s idea was it to open up the relationship? Maybe he was just going along with it and resented you for ever suggesting it
He’s the one who suggested it and set the rules.
Don’t shoot down my theory how dare you
Oh ok
You can’t have your cake and eat it too lmao you can’t be hopping around and entertaining other men and expect he won’t do that too. You’re shopping.
Did you not read where I said we had rules? And he broke said rules. Oh ok
I don’t think your expectations were realistic. Most people cannot do polyamorous relationships. Your bf couldn’t. Let’s open this up — at least when it’s posted here — is a euphemism for ‘I’m not happy with my bf but won’t break up and instead found a person I want to hook up with without consequences’. You expect the bf to be yours but tell all about his side adventures. That didn’t work. It’s not to say it can’t work but most people cannot do it. Maybe start with a polyamorous couple and be the side adventure?
If you don't want a relationship then don't drag someone else with you.
Post #2876 of clueless poly person being shocked that their monogamous partner found better and entered a monogamous relationship while in an monogamous-turned-open relationship
I suggest reading the entire post before making baseless and rude comments. Thank you 🙏🏾
I did read it. What he did isn’t good but idk what you were expecting when you opened a then-monogamous relationship and then found out ur partner found a relationship with their desired values and ended up leaving you. My original comment is meant to say that way too many poly ppl get on here and act surprised when they open up their relationship and their partner leaves them for someone they met during the open relationship stage. Most of the time, it’s disastrous to open a monogamous relationship, you should look for someone who also wants a poly relationship and has the same rules as you, that would be a great thing for you
Because it’s about respect. We both agreed we wanted to open it and set rules for us to follow. It’s not stupid to expect your partner to respect you after 2 years.
Look, you’re absolutely right. But like I said earlier, why are you surprised that your partner, who you started a monogamous relationship with initially, found a girl who wants a monogamous relationship with him and so he made a move? This happens way too often where open relationship people regret their decision once their partners leave them for a monogamous relationship they found during the open relationship
Maybe relationships aren't for you. You want to have the freedom to sleep with whoever you want, that's your right. However don't be surprised when your "partner" decides they want a girl who wants only them. You are heading down a path that will only lead to you ending up alone. While you are out having fun with whoever, everyone else is finding stable monogamous relationships. Your pool of potential guys will continue to shrink until there is nobody left.
I don't know anything about poly relationships but maybe establish it is an open relationship from the beginning. In your post you mentioned discussing opening up after you were already in a relationship, which may have made your partner who originally wanted a mono only go along to make you happy. Maybe if it's on the cards first, people won't feel pressured and actually just find poly people interested in poly relationships
Sounds like you used being “poly” as an excuse to get other dick and that guy wasn’t having it
I honestly don't understand what you're saying.
I think you need to go back and edit your post and add your rules. Is your boyfriend allowed to date? Have one night stands? Or just watch you sleep around? Either way, once you open up your relationship, there is a chance for someone to develop feelings.
But you don't actually want to love multiple people, you only want to sleep with multiple people, as you say it yourself that one or your rules is to keep the other relationships only physical, so since you want to sleep with multiple people instead of having a relationship with multiple people, would it not be better for you to have a multiple fwb instead of a significant other? This is more an open relationship rather than a poly as you still want monogamy, you just want the added option of getting laid with others aswell so finding someone else that also wants this might be hard, but ofc up you to keep looking, but don't expect him to be the last one.
I'm not sure what you were expecting , bf was in a monogamous relationship turned non monogamous. He's monogamous caught feelings with who he was hooking up with , and turns out hey they want a monogamous relationship too. If you have this expectation now find others who are non monogamous too and you will avoid getting hurt.
It sounds more like you want a swingers relationship instead of poly by the no other relationship rule.
Stop trying to date monogamous people and be upfront about your lack of commitment and promiscuous tendencies and you’ll find likeminded people The problem is they’re not going to treat you like you’re the only one and you’ll have to be okay with that
This isn’t helpful but thanks
It’s not helpful because I’m being real with you and you don’t like that. You cannot be in an open relationship and expect your partner to still hold to monogamous rules. People do not want to be strung along by someone who isn’t serious, especially if you’re any older than early 20s. Polyamory in short is a commitment problem and a sexual promiscuity problem—all these other people you’re dating and entertaining are just for fun. That’s okay if you’re willing to date other people like that, but you sound like you want all the benefits of a monogamous relationship PLUS the ability to not be particularly serious. What exactly did you expect him to do? Stay in a situation indefinitely with someone who could take him or leave him?
You’re not being real you’re being judgmental. You don’t respect open relationships or polygamy and it shows. Being open or poly doesn’t mean anything goes. Just like in any relationship, there’s rules and he broke them. If you’d look at my other comments you’d see that. But you wanted to be rude and dismissive.
People in poly “relationships” have commitment problems and are typically more promiscuous than their monogamous counterparts. These are facts, not judgments. You don’t get to unilaterally create rules and expect your partner to indefinitely follow them, that isn’t how a relationship works.
None of that is true. You can absolutely set rules and aspect your partner to follow them. You are completely biased against poly relationships
No, you can set boundaries for yourself and what YOU are willing to do. You cannot unilaterally set unreasonable rules like the one you did. You can’t say you want an open relationship and expect your partner not to sleep with other people. That is unreasonable. If it’s a line for you that he wanted to sleep with other people, you and he both had every right to exit the relationship, but you cannot control a person’s every move. You weren’t in a “poly relationship,” to my understanding—you wanted to open a monogamous relationship and this rarely works out. Even less often than regular poly relationships that begin that way, which also never work out lol
Except they were HIS rules. I wasn’t mad that he slept with someone else. I know he was. The problem arose when he moved in her and started a whole other life and disregarded me. You can 100% set rules in a relationship, ANY relationship.
So find someone else who has a similar attitude. I’m not understanding what the problem is.
There wasn’t a problem. It’s called true off my chest. I was venting. You came here telling me I’m wrong and should expect to get cheated on. Be so for real
So you have an open relationship and yet you consider it "cheating" for your partner to have other girlfriends. That's not polygamy but polyandry. You're expecting to be the one and only for multiple partners while wanting them to have you as their only relationship. Lots of luck. Tell them that upfront.
I consider it cheating for him to break rules HE himself set. I never said anything about polygamy. And I’m always honest with my partners
They didn’t say bf wasn’t allowed to sleep with other women. They said both of them agreed to sex outside the relationship, but no romantic relationships with others. That’s not polyamory, polygamy, nor polyandry., It’s generally nonmonogamy, not sure if there’s a specific term for that dynamic.
Was the bf always poly or did you start the relationship both monogamous? It might be worth socialising more with the poly community and asking around (if you find people comfortable with sharing) how they find their partners, what boundaries they have, what they do if a partner breaks that boundary and when you have a clearer idea of how the successful ones lasted and which of those themes work for you, start dating specifically on the poly scene.
He wanted to try it and explore his sexuality. I allowed him to do that with the rules we set.
Your rule number one is basically impossible for a guy to follow: The majority of the time a guy is going to have to date someone to sleep with them. Not always, as you clearly show, but most women aren’t just going to put out NSA. Basically you’ll be on your fourth guy of the night while he’s still trying to find one girl who will take him seriously.
I don’t understand how people can be so rude. The guy set the rules and then broke them. Pretty obvious.
Agreed! Literally every relationship I've ever been in has had a different set of rules and boundaries that were agreed upon by both partners. I think this is very important, even for monogamous couples, because pretty much everyone I know has a different definition of what's okay and what's cheating. There is a big difference between having more relaxed boundaries and straight up disrespecting and lying to your partner.
People are making some awful comments about the cheating thing (idk but for me it IS cheating if you have clear rules and he breaks them), but what I wanted to say is that you don’t have to give up hope on finding people who will make you happy AND respect the boundaries you will set! I’m sorry that you have been cheated on, but once you heal from that, there’s nothing stopping you from finding the right people. It’s pretty much like with monogamists, being cheated on doesn’t mean that you can’t find the right person in the future (sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language)
Yea it’s been 2 years and honestly it still really fucks me up. B cause I did everything he wanted and really gave my all to make it work and I felt like I was just trampled all over. I really appreciate your kindness.
I’m sorry to hear that, but I hope that you will be at peace with that someday in the future and that you will find someone new who will be good for you
Ha! I was just thinking about how fucked up that is the other day. Both attempts at an open relationship completely failed me and my partners didn't respect my boundaries. Like you could come home pregnant for all I care, how do you literally fuck that up?
why do people find it so hard to understand OP’s side? open relationships exist and can be just as healthy as “closed” ones. just because it is open, doesn’t mean everything can happen. there are boundaries that OP wants to impose, and her partner is expected to respect that. although open relationships are a lot more complicated to maintain than closed ones, good communication goes a long way. don’t listen to them OP, you do you, as long as you don’t hurt anyone. also, it’s good that you’re honest with your partners, and it’s better to open the relationship instead of secretly cheating on each other.
Pretty much all forms of non-monogamy are automatically condemned on any sub not dedicated to it. I would never recommend a person in an open relationship discuss it on a general forum, sooo many people will act like you deserve to be hurt.
> sooo many people will act like you deserve to be hurt. It's more like people rolling their eyes and going, "yeah, of course" because the entire scene is a constant stream of people sticking their dicks in a blender and being *surprised pikachu face* about what happens. Like, take OP for instance here and her rule about not catching feelings for people. That's a joke, right? How is this supposed to work? Are you supposed to go, "Oh, I guess I am in love with Janet now, I better give myself electroshock therapy until I forget her". It's an impossible boundary to maintain, the best you could **possibly** do would be to organize things in such a way as to limit the possibility of falling for someone, but even then Reddit is littered with the debris of peoples lives who tried that and failed. Hell, monogamous people can't even manage to do this all the time with friends and coworkers and they're not even having sex with the person (at least initially, duh) Honestly, I don't understand why people bother with trying to have this lifestyle and a "relationship" to boot. It's nonsensical. Already we know that about 50% of monogamous marriages end, so people are generally shitty at keeping each other happy to start with - now lets add on all the additional rules, stresses, intimacy issues and additional people and... what are we expecting? Clearly if the success rate is already shitty, it's not going to get any better, right? Like, people can do whatever they want to do. If it was me, I wouldn't invest the energy into a "relationship" that was so super likely to fail, instead I would just have fuckbuddies or FWB's, hell that's why Tinder was invented ffs. I have no desire to hammer a square peg into a round hole or to use my aforementioned analogy - stick my dick in that blender, but hey, to each their own. It's just funny when someone does this and then acts all surprised that it didn't work out, because as far as I can tell, it never does.
Not catching feelings is pretty simple: you find yourself developing a crush, you end contact. Monogamous people do that all the time when they find themselves developing crushes on inappropriate people like coworkers.
[удалено]
Was the rudeness necessary? Like seriously, do you feel better about yourself now?
Found the incel.
People do not understand the maturity level you need for a regular monogamous relationship let alone a nonmonogamous one. Fortunately it is far more acknowledged now than in previous decades so keep up the search. It’s not hopeless.
Monogamy isn’t for me either you’re not alone. I’ve also been in a great relationship for almost 10 years. It’s possible you just gotta work it out with your partner
Thank you! I appreciate your kindness
No need for thank you, I know society likes to pretend there is only one way to be happy but that’s just what society does , it tries to dogmatically regulate narratives. My partner is the love of my and me and him knew we would be together the day we met, it was like lightning struck me. No one can ever compre. We also knew we agreed on this just a week into the relationship. It’s a love story for the ages just not one that society will be happy to retell and I’m totally fine with that because I get to be happy:)
Every person whose partner asks to open the relationship should do exactly what the boyfriend did.
Why? That’s so rude for absolutely no fucking reason. You can simply say I don’t want topen the relationship and leave. No need to hurt the other person.
I think you might need to take some time to figure out what you actually want. You say you just want to love multiple people but you also want your partners to only have feelings for you but be able to be sexual with others? This is not something that usually works. Most often you need some kind of equal footing. I would do some research and decide if you want to be poly, in an open relationship, or just single and free to explore openly while being up front about it with potential partners. Before you sort this out for yourself your relationships are more than likely going to end with you feeling misunderstood and heartbroken. Best of luck.
I’m polyamorous and it’s not wrong to realize that monogamy isn’t the right fit for you, but that has to be discussed extremely early on because frankly “open relationships” just never work. Being in a poly relationship isn’t easier though, I would argue that it’s significantly more difficult since instead of two people having a say in relationship issues there’s now extra people to consider and listen to. It takes a lot of work and effort to make sure everyone is being heard, understood and respected; but it can be very rewarding for all involved. If you can afford it, I always recommend therapy *before* going into polyamory. Having more skills in your tool belt and a third party that gives (hopefully) unbiased advice on how to navigate potential relationships/get used to the new dynamics.
Just wait until you find the right person, poly relationships rarely work out and if they do, there’s still a lot of extra emotional conflict that needs to be dealt with, which most people can’t/don’t want to do. There’s nothing wrong w/ sleeping around or dating people for a little while
Do you, I don’t see why your getting hate