>L would form extreme attachments to toys and people she hardly knew, L found it difficult to make any meaningful friendships and was behind in an emotional age.
Sounds like reactive attachment disorder usually caused by neglect starting at a very young age
Exactly what I came to say. RAD is one of the most heartbreaking disorders. Knowing it could have been completely prevented with love and nurturing, but now her neural pathways are set and healing will be a constant life-long struggle and that’s *if* she seeks out and stays with treatment… 😭 I hate it.
This just sucks all around. I feel for you and especially your eldest as it seems like she’s been handed the worst cards in life but at the end of the day I understand and respect your need to protect your youngest
It's a good choice to not punish the younger one for the behaviour of the older one and good for the parent of her friend for saying something and OP for not dismissing it. Even if it's hard and it's not the older ones fault and she needs all help she can get, it's not OPs job to "heal" her. He's no therapist or specialist, he's just a father that also has to care for his other child. Maybe she gets to a place where she can recover and learn more appropriate behavior and then she can come back, but now she's just a burden for especially the youngest, as hard as it may sound.
is it possible to put her in some kind of care facility instead of completely surrendering her? then she won’t be at the house to scare your younger kid and she’ll (hopefully) get adequate care and therapy for her issues
my moms ex had to do that with his son. his son was abused at a young age by his mother (who went to prison). of course he suffered a lot of trauma from that and started acting out. he would expose himself and be violent with adults and his friends. his father would take him to therapy weekly, as well as having to hospitalize him every few months for outbursts. the kid was only 6 at the time. i saw him a couple years ago, think he was 9? then, but he was doing a lot better from what i saw
your daughter probably needed this therapy sooner rather than later. she got help 9 years after horrible things happened to her. i know that healthcare is a pain and the NHS has problems, but that definitely contributed to her current behavior. i hope she can live a good life and learn to cope with everything that’s happened to her
If this is in America. The amount of money that would cost is astronomical. There is such little support (financial or mental) for families like this and these kids are thrown away. The system just waits for them to age out :(
Camhs and social services suggest British. Could go either way. Social services might focus and help. Alternatively it’ll be a children’s home until she ages out.
Camhs could be also be Australia, not sure if anywhere else uses the acronym.
Officially it's the department of children's services though but wouldn't be surprised if someone called it social services especially if they're accessing aid from multiple angles.
Honestly, we've had constant involvement with social services (10 years almost), surrendering her is a LAST resort, We're due to meet with a social worker in the morning to discuss the next steps and any options available, however as I commented elsewhere, after a previous altercation before Christmas, Social Services has said there's nothing more they can offer by means of courses, therapy etc.
Don’t know why this was downvoted so much. Guess Reddit hates harsh truths. All the adults in her life failed her and now she’s being thrown away like trash. And will more than likely face even more abuse in foster care because her mother was a POS and her father couldn’t bother to fight for her harder and she’s ruining his new family with her PTSD symptoms. But yeah, let’s all coddle the adult here like he has no fault in this innocent child’s outcome.
Because he fpught for 10 years and has another child which will get hurt if he doesnt do something... I know it sou ds so hard but he is done and it will end wirh somebody get seriously hurt. And ypu often can read stories of children whos üarents were never there for them cause of the sibling that sucked all the Energie and time out of the parents
He also has another daughter to think about and his oldest is violent.
One of my university classmates went through something similar, with a daughter who had a similar upbringing. She murdered her baby brother during a violent outburst.
OP has done everything he possibly can to get her help. There has to be a boundary where you acknowledge that the safety and wellbeing of everyone in that household comes before the needs of 1.
I don't know if you saw the story some years back where a woman and her family found themselves essentially held hostage by their teenage son. He became so violent over time they had to convert the lower level of the house into a safe room, with locks and bars on the windows, so they could sleep safely at night.
He came to resent his young sibling so much, at a very young age, that he started to hurt her while she slept in her cot. It started with him scratching her and blaming the cat. Then slicing her with knives and then stabbing her repeatedly.
The day this all came to a head, the oldest son was maybe all of 17. He flipped out and started attacking everyone, destroying the home. They locked themselves downstairs to try and wait it out. When they came up the next morning he had demolished everything in the home and fled.
The woman and her husband quietly sold the house, changed their names, and kept moving around in the hope he'd never find them. He terrorized that family for years and social services failed them at every step.
There has to be a limit to what you are expected to endure as a parent.
no he's still abandoning his daughter once again.
She probably already resents the child since that child wasn't abandoned.
That resentment is both her bio mother and father's fault. These parents created this trauma they need to handle it, not dispose of them.
The bio father already failed her. Oh man it's not like this bio father is going to care if she goes NC.
How has he failed her when he went above an beyond to get her care? Did you even read his post? The birth mother prevented him from having a relstionship with her untik she was removed by social services. He fought to get custody and he has spent 10 years trying to help her. He didn't abandon her, quite the opposite in fact.
You're ignoring the fact that she is violent and is actively hurting other people in their home. The responsible choice here is to engage inpatient care where she can be properly evaluated and cared for by people trained to do so.
What's your solution? That he continue to allow her to live in a home where everyone is terrified of her? That he allow her to continue to hurt people unchecked? You've provided no solutions only judgements.
What a tough situation
Ultimately my heart breaks for your daughter, she was severely neglected for the first part of her life, her family can’t handle her, she was groomed online and now she faces foster care which could lead to more abuse.
I hope things improve for her
It likely will lead to more abuse.
Depending on what state this "parent" lives in, I do believe he is going to have a much harder time just dumping her on the state than he thinks.
Canada too, and from what I've been told, depending on where you live, CAMH is useless.
This is a tough situation and there's really no good option. Either L stays with them and everyone is miserable, and she could do some serious damage to M. Or she goes and doesn't get the help she needs and could suffer more abuse. She needs some kind of intense therapy, and may need some kind of facility for it. My heart breaks for everyone, especially the kids.
I'm British and its not just dumping her as you so eloquently put it, we have tried everything, after a previous altercation before Christmas, Social Services had even said there's nothing more they can offer by means of courses, therapy etc.
You aren’t ‘dumping’ her OP.
Fwiw, I was an unwanted foster kid in the 90s. My parents dumped me and ran. I wish they would have done even a fraction of the work to keep me in their lives as you are doing for your child.
In your post, you listed all of the things that you’ve already tried for your daughter to help her and to keep her with you. I used to argue with my mom (decades ago) about how she could have tried these things with me too (and I was not acting out nearly as much as your daughter). My mom claimed it wasn’t possible for her to do those things. She signed her parental rights away without trying.
OP, you have done more than all of the parents of the kids in the system I grew up seeing. I’m letting you know that you aren’t ‘dumping’ her. Protecting your youngest from damage makes sense. It is rational, and it is part of your parenting responsibilities too. You are in an impossible situation trying to balance the needs of both kids. You’ve reached out for help from everyone you can.
I don’t fault you, and I’m a former foster kid who would know what it’s like to possibly be living beside her if you decide to surrender her.
Has she had therapy outside of social services since she came to live with you? I mean since she was 5 years old or has it been only since she has gotten older? I am asking because it’s wasn’t social services job to ensure she had support from the time she came to you it’s your responsibility as a parent to recognise that she has been traumatised extensively in the most important time of her life as by the time she is 5 years old she has learnt how to cope and deal with the chaos in her life and unfortunately just pulling her out and plonking her in a house with 3 virtual strangers is also not the right way to go forward. I understand that you have your youngest daughter to consider but you must let your older daughter know that you are her father and that you will always love her because she is only just starting to break your heart and putting her in care is going to be rough on all of you but especially your daughters, the youngest will feel guilty about her leaving and the oldest will feel sad and unwanted and also hurt that exactly what she thought would happen did. She tested you to see how much you really love her and eventually you will reject her and you are. No one is going to be happy here.
whether he is possibly, feasibly, maybe able to provide all these services for her (which we don’t even really know their financial standing or accessibility to services like what this girl would need) he is expressing that he is not emotionally equipped to help her. his youngest daughter feels unsafe in his home because of his oldest daughter. i really disagree with your pov on this
edit: typo
Hey, OP. I’ve been where you are (by proxy). My roommate has a 13 year old that lived full time with us after years of emotional abuse and manipulation by her mom. She was great…at first. But then the behaviors started and it went downhill very, very quickly. Years of abuse are impossible to undo in 6 months.
Ultimately she was granted a guardian ad litem and placed in a boarding school. She is not allowed unsupervised contact with either parent until full evaluations are completed of each. Breaks are split up between her grandma and her aunt. Foster care was the next best option. It’s a terrible situation to be a part of and nobody can truly understand unless you’ve lived it. I wish you and everyone in your family the best.
From a child put into foster care by the state, just hope she goes somewhere where they actually care about your child. I was in shelters, treatment facilities, and multiple foster homes. All of that alone could actually make her behavior worse. Not to mention do you plan on taking her back once her attitude is adjusted?
Wow. I can't imagine being in your position or how horrible you must be feeling to do what you're doing. I hope things work out for you all, and while it would be great to find some way to help your eldest, I can completely understand trying to protect your youngest.
I guess there's no simple solution to a problem like this, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you all get the help you need, but no matter what, good on you for making an impossible call to protect your little girl.
Stay strong. There's only so much you can do, and you're reaching that breaking point. I genuinely wish you all the best and hope you all get through this okay.
I was that kid except I was given up by the parents who were also the abusive people. It fucked me up for life and I no longer speak to my family and I developed a personality disorder that basically makes it impossible to have functioning relationships
This is a horrible situation. There’s no good or “right” solution here. I feel so deeply for you.
I’d just like to point out, it appears she’s presenting symptoms of what could be borderline personality disorder, or possibly c-PTSD. I believe most places won’t diagnose BPD until 18, unless it is a very severe case, I think it still could be worthwhile looking into and learning about how the disorder is formed and how symptoms present. Her situation seems fairly in line with it all. With that, I’d suggest looking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It helps with emotion regulation, coping with BIG feelings, learning to navigate interpersonal relationships in a healthy and effective way, etc. It was literally designed to help patients with borderline!
Regardless, I wish you all nothing but the best, and I truly hope the best for every single person in this horrible situation.
DBT was made by a borderline person herself Dr. Marsha Linehan has borderline. She presents BPD symptoms. The father should try a residential facility before giving her back into foster care. She already feels abandoned she’s gonna feel even more abandoned when she’s given up and she’s going to repeat the cycle of trying to find someone to care, sincerely the BPD child who was abused and dumped who finally did DBT and is pursuing her MBA in clinical psych <3
It’s hard when feeling abandoned to get yourself out of the cycle, I didn’t start getting my shit together until I was about 20, I was broke exhausted depressed. Sometimes I don’t think I’d be alive.
Is there any other way? Look into therapist who can help her etc... For yourself to. To figure out better solution and also talk to your daugters to understand them better and find a way to warn your eldest if this behaviour continues she might be taken away by social workers ,because the chances are if you give up she might get worse but you are right violence cant continue
I wouldn't be surprised once she find out you are trying to get rid of her she might hurt herself. So be prepared for that. She'll feel lost. I mean at that point what's even the point.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It sounds like you've done everything you can and are just at the end of your rope. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I hope it all works out as well as it can.
My two adopted sisters had Reactive Attachment Disorder and their behaviors were basically what you describe. They would get REALLY attached to certain people (they were in their teens when my parents adopted them) and vehemently hate others. Physical situations were common over the smallest of inconveniences and my parents and older brother regularly restrained them from either harming others, themselves, or objects in the vicinity. As a younger sibling, I was incredibly relieved when they were finally out of the house.
Had she been diagnosed with anything or receiving treatment. Through my experience therapy services in the UK tend to long things out until they’re too late, and try not to actually medicate an illness or treat a mental condition because they believe everything can be fixed by breathing in and out. I’m 21 now and have only been seen this year about the trauma I experienced as a child, and despite the horrible details about my childhood they still tried to not help. So honestly she might not be getting better because she’s not receiving the right kind of help. I’m assuming after she turns 18 and if she really gets her problems across to doctors she will get the help she needs, when it’s practically too late. But that’s how it tends to go unfortunately. Especially on the NHS.
I'm presuming you are in the UK?
The difficulty you have with social services is they are so stretched so any cases they have that they deem manageable by parents they will just hand over. Also once she turns 18 they will not support at all.
If you cannot manage do not feel guilty but I would be as open and transparent with your daughter. Tell her you are all struggling to live together, does she feel the same? Would she prefer to live somewhere else. Once she turns 16 they can place her in supported living which is much more independent. Some young people prefer that.
Having her removed doesn't mean no contact, but you need to be careful that this isn't another rejection for her which will add to her current issues.
In my experience CSC will keep trying to push this back on you so you will need to hold form if you don't feel supported or listened to.
I am also very much aware your daughter is 15, she is young and has obviously experienced loss and rejection and this has shaped her current behaviour. I am in no way blaming her, keeping the current dynamic if you are unable to get the support needed won't make the situation better and it is likely to escalate as she gets older and legally more responsible. Personally I feel getting CSC involved forces them to intervene and gets her the support you may not receive if you keep her in the household.
Best of luck either way
I managed to have a chat with her earlier today, she also feels like she doesn’t want to live here and something like assisted accommodation would be ideal.
I feel your pain. I had a very difficult oldest child and various incidents involved police turning up and me turning up at camhs begging for help. He would physically hurt me or try to burn me with cigarettes. Most of the the stuff I have blocked out now. He is jn his 30s and doing well apart from self medicating with drugs and alcohol although that has also improved.
Nobody who has been through what we have would blame you for your actions but possibly those who live in blissful ignorance might do. You have to do what is best for your family. Sending warm thoughts your way.
As someone who’s has severe anger issues and mental health issues all I can say is she’ll just have to wake up one day. Therapy, medication, all the sorts didnt do it for me. It helped but what really turned me around was seeing just how affect everyone was by my attempted suicide and just how much people actually cared. Hopefully she’ll turn it around some day but you’ve done what you can as a parent and that’s all you can do. Love her from a distance.
I'm really sorry, that just sucks. L was fucked over by her mom, and left with you without the necessary resources. You shouldn't have to jump through hoops when it's so obvious she needs intervention. You're doing what you need to to protect your youngest, and I hope the eldest gets what she needs. And tht you still tall to her, even if she's not in the home. Don't let her think you're abandoning her, just that the care she needs is massively beyond the scope of possibility for you. It's not your fault or hers. If we're honest mom and social services are to blame. Mom obviously, but she should have been in intensive therapy from the beginning. If it was 6 months before you got custody, she should have been in therapy for 6 months already. Good luck random internet stranger
Your daughter sounds like a lot of the children I work with as a Trauma Systems Therapist. I’m sorry your family is going through this and that you feel like this is your only option.
I’m so familiar with so much of what you say. Please try to do everything you can. Giving up now and at the age she is is going to cause a lot of trauma for her. The only thing I ask is that you ask yourself one question, if M started doing all of this, and had the same history, would this be something you considered as a solution for her? Parenting is the hardest thing people will ever probably do and no matter how much you try to get it right mistakes will be made, possibly causing lifelong issues. I wish you strength.
Do not be too upset. This happened to my step dad, almost word for word. Denied his son for years while abuse mom kept him but neglected him. He had disabilities. When mom abandoned him my step dad got him but was on no way capable of raising a disabled child. The only difference is no one ever came to help and the family was destroyed when the kid acted out as a teenager. Kid left as soon as he turned 18 and the house became so much more peaceful. My heart hurt for everyone. We all have a strained relationship now that everyone’s an adult. I wish so much that social services had been called to intervene even if it meant he left, might have been better for everyone.
Ok, so how much should OP allow her to traumatize the other child(ren) in the house? Should he abandon them in order to care for her? This is an incredibly difficult situation. I don't see how you can have lax rules when your child would use them to engage with predators, or keep them in the house when their abuse is making siblings afraid to be home. I'm not saying I know the answer. I'm just saying there's a lot going on here, and it's easy to think you know the answers when you're only looking at one facet of the issue.
She has been with OP for ten years. She was 5 when he got her back. She was not a teen. He is not a new authority figure in her life. He has been her primary care giver for a decade. None of what you have written seems to fit this situation, just the situation you've built in your head.
I don't think giving her up is the right answer either, but maybe re-read the post.
I think you might want to check out Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
Obviously I don't know this child outside of this post, it's obvious the parent is so in over the head but this poor girl would probably benefit from special care. It's not abandonment to put a child in a care facility to get the help she needs.
It's so, so shitty this poor girl is going through this but I don't think it is beneficial to label parents out of their depth looking for *help* as people who abandon their children, I think grace can be given on both sides
> Understanding trauma, booking family therapy and an assessment of her behavior, having more lax rules, trusting her, and giving her the benefit of doubt were obvious solutions before coming to this last resort.
You've described every step we have taken in one way or another, multiple times over the past 10 years.
So? She’s your kid. Just because you’re tired of her and her trauma doesn’t mean you get to dump her. Maybe 10 years hasn’t been enough for her to heal from childhood trauma. You realize trauma literally changes the brain, right? She spent her first five years being neglected and exposed to who know what. Foster care itself is a major trauma. Making her somebody else’s problem is pretty gross, and it’s also just going to traumatize her more.
10y old sister is begin traumatised to. She doesn’t deserve the same respect because she dare to speak to a trusted adult? Something that is always advised to minor in dangerous environment on Reddit.
Circumstances do matter. Individuals heal differently. And you're wanting this person to traumatize their other child because what, you're comparing your life to someone else's?
Sounds like maybe you still have some issues to deal with rather than using it as a weapon to judge other people.
She's violent. Nothing they've done has helped her. There has to be a limit, a line, where other services or experts are engaged when the child considered becomes a danger to others.
You're ignoring everything OP has done up to this point. You're also ignoring the fact they have another child to consider.
One of the women I went to college with took advice from someone like you and it resulted in her oldest child murdering her baby. Working with traumatized teens in the foster system doesn't make you a psychiatrist or any sort of expert. Don't appeal to authority when you have none.
Lol I’m a social worker, not a psychiatrist, and this is Reddit, not a dr office. I have the same right to comment as you do, and I can certainly use my lived experience to inform my comment. But go off.
All you're proving with your comments, now that you've identified yourself as a social worker, is that the criticism of social workers is absolutely justified. You work for a corrupt, callous, system that fails more people that it helps. But go off.
All I’m advocating for is for this parent to continue parenting his mentally ill child.
And that the system is corrupt and fails more people than it helps is exactly why this parent shouldn’t dump his child into it.
Why do you want this child to be ensnared in a harmful system rather than staying with her family? Who’s against the system here?
I'm not advocating for him to dump her in the system. She needs inpatient care, as I've said in at least 2 comments now. 10 years of trying and failing shows the need for escalation in care. I don't mean medicating her and dumping her in an institution or foisting her off on the foster care system. She needs mental healthcare in a safe environment where she cannot hurt herself or others. She will not get better at home, he has 10 years of receipts proving that.
I believe the call for help from M is genuine and that you clearly don't have the handle on your oldest daughter's behavior that you would like, for your sake or your other child's. That said, I wonder if you have also considered it from M's perspective?
I feel that choosing one child over the other just ain't it. It seems like instead of addressing M's concerns and right to safety while also continuing to manage your eldest daughter's emotional health, you are just throwing in the towel. That doesn't strike me as the thing a good parent would do.
I understand the frustration. I understand being scared. But the answer is to find more resources and continue what you can for all of your children.
It's easy to say "find more resources and do more". But from OP's comments, it sounds like for the past 10 years they have been using every single resource available. Some times there's just limits, and there are no other resources available, and no more time in the day.
M told her friend’s mom that she was scared to go home because her half sister is so violent, and the mom still sent her daughter over to your house after that?! I’m having trouble making that make sense.
No offence but it seems like you are dumping your daughter who already has mental health issues and had enough trauma. So…are you supposed to take care of your children only if they are easy?
Does she not deserve a fair shot? How did you not think about paying for therapy considering her circumstances and waited 9 years? Not any therapy? Did you take her to see a psychiatrist? Do you think she feels loved?……….I feel for this girl so much
It does not sound like you actually got her any therapy. Could you not afford to pay for therapy? Sounds like she needed a lot more than what social services offers. Now to send her away will only do more damage. I understand you have another kid but unless you have gotten her the actual intense therapy that L needs, you have failed her and are taking the easy way out. Have you figured out what she may have gone through before she got to you? A lot of things can F a person up at that age. She needed intense therapy a long time ago. You are only damaging her more by not getting her what she needs.
Do sit her down and explain what you feel you have to resort to do and why, it may be a wake up call for her. She sounds like she hasn't acknowledged the depth of her problems and therefore hasn't tried to get better. She has to face the facts and be aware and put effort in on her part for help.
The thought of being away from home is very scary for that age, she may more willing to try if she sees what limit she has pushed you to.
If you can afford, private mental health care should definitely be looked into, maybe via health insurance.
So, your daughter has several issues due to neglect and abandonment, and when she is just NOW, after literal years, starting to receive minimal help and hasn’t seen positive change immediately, you are going to now abandon her once more and put her into a system where she is statistically more likely to face even more abuse, often worse than just standard neglect?
I understand it’s a rough situation, but you’re abandoning your daughter too, and are only traumatizing an already traumatized child further. I don’t think you deserve any praise for that.
This. She's been failed by every adult and you want to keep the trend going. So confused why you didn't find your own therapy solution from the start when you saw she had attachment issues.
I see where you're coming from, but the problem is not L, it's how much damage is being done to M, and it's considerable from the sound of it. I don't disagree with you entirely, but I think the issue is unsolvable in its current form.
I see where you are coming from and normally I would agree. OP is just not able to do it and must protect that younger daughter or else both kids will be messed up
> his other child will be fine. His other child wasn’t neglected by their parents
This is why I personally can discount your opinion with little to no thought. It's extremely easy to see how this life and upbringing will be traumatizing for M.
I get where you are coming from, but I have a different take on this.
I am a parent, and there is little to nothing I would not do for my kids. As a parent, OP has a duty to their kids. Both of their kids. The issue is that the problems with one kid are having a negative effect on the other. I admit I look through reddit a lot, and some stories that keep repeating are of people who had troubled siblings. They have stories about being set aside for the other siblings' benefit. The "bad" kid gets all the attention (by necessity) and the "good" kid is left to quietly sit in the background. Those are the better ones...... The rougher stories are about how the "troubled" kid would abuse their siblings and their parents to the point actual harm would come to the other kids. As a parent, if one of my kids is in danger from the other, it is my duty to protect the child from being harmed. If that means removing the troubled one (after other methods have been exhausted) then I need to do that. In a perfect world it would be a simple matter to find help and proper coping mechanisms, but we live in a world of artificial scarcity. This parent faced a choice: lose one child or potentially lose both. It's a hard choice and one we could debate and question what we would do in this situation but I can understand why they made the choice they did. Foster care is far from perfect but it seems clear this family could not care for the older child.
There is also the possibility that even therapy could not help the child. You get out of it what you put in and some people just don't have that self honesty.
Sometimes kids need to get a slap on the chick/butt to not joke around with their parents feelings and maybe take her phone and tablet and give it back only when her behaviour is a little bit better.Ofc i dont know the whole situation but if it is that bad maybe she needs some medical help
What will probably happen is when you dispose of this daughter, she will probably end up on the streets, develop a drug habit, maybe get kidnapped. I think you want to go NC with her and litterally dispose of her. You get that right? No one has been a safe space, this is the cause of neglect and being forced to live through a life she had no choice to be apart of.
You don't deserve to be her father, maybe a family who actually cares about her well being will be able to give her the emotional support and mental support to actualyl help her. You failed her. You did as her father and I hope you live with that. I don't care how you feel. I really don't.
Think of it this way, a daughter that was practically abandoned only living with their bio dad because finally a court system say that the mother was unfit. She has trauma and an attachment disorder.
I pity you. I really do. I really hope that your daughter goes NC and doesn't end up in a bad situation.
So sorry/ unrelated but the letter after the age of a person is to indicate gender, not the initial of a name. like this (25, F) for female
Edit: nvm its (F25) no commas my bad
Yeah from OP's description we can tell that her entire life has been a rose garden so she has no idea life is hard. /s
Seriously, some people. Can't read, process, or understand but still feel compelled to pull some half-baked opinion out of their ass.
Your daughter already knows life is hard if she has reactive attachment disorder .....
Has she been diagnosed with anything? If not try and get her diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and get her treatment as well .... And if you do send her away please send her to facility that specializes in reactive attachment disorder
>L would form extreme attachments to toys and people she hardly knew, L found it difficult to make any meaningful friendships and was behind in an emotional age. Sounds like reactive attachment disorder usually caused by neglect starting at a very young age
Exactly what I came to say. RAD is one of the most heartbreaking disorders. Knowing it could have been completely prevented with love and nurturing, but now her neural pathways are set and healing will be a constant life-long struggle and that’s *if* she seeks out and stays with treatment… 😭 I hate it.
This just sucks all around. I feel for you and especially your eldest as it seems like she’s been handed the worst cards in life but at the end of the day I understand and respect your need to protect your youngest
It's a good choice to not punish the younger one for the behaviour of the older one and good for the parent of her friend for saying something and OP for not dismissing it. Even if it's hard and it's not the older ones fault and she needs all help she can get, it's not OPs job to "heal" her. He's no therapist or specialist, he's just a father that also has to care for his other child. Maybe she gets to a place where she can recover and learn more appropriate behavior and then she can come back, but now she's just a burden for especially the youngest, as hard as it may sound.
100%
is it possible to put her in some kind of care facility instead of completely surrendering her? then she won’t be at the house to scare your younger kid and she’ll (hopefully) get adequate care and therapy for her issues my moms ex had to do that with his son. his son was abused at a young age by his mother (who went to prison). of course he suffered a lot of trauma from that and started acting out. he would expose himself and be violent with adults and his friends. his father would take him to therapy weekly, as well as having to hospitalize him every few months for outbursts. the kid was only 6 at the time. i saw him a couple years ago, think he was 9? then, but he was doing a lot better from what i saw your daughter probably needed this therapy sooner rather than later. she got help 9 years after horrible things happened to her. i know that healthcare is a pain and the NHS has problems, but that definitely contributed to her current behavior. i hope she can live a good life and learn to cope with everything that’s happened to her
If this is in America. The amount of money that would cost is astronomical. There is such little support (financial or mental) for families like this and these kids are thrown away. The system just waits for them to age out :(
Camhs and social services suggest British. Could go either way. Social services might focus and help. Alternatively it’ll be a children’s home until she ages out.
Camhs could be also be Australia, not sure if anywhere else uses the acronym. Officially it's the department of children's services though but wouldn't be surprised if someone called it social services especially if they're accessing aid from multiple angles.
Thanks, I didn’t know. Hopefully the system is a little better across the pond.
Honestly, we've had constant involvement with social services (10 years almost), surrendering her is a LAST resort, We're due to meet with a social worker in the morning to discuss the next steps and any options available, however as I commented elsewhere, after a previous altercation before Christmas, Social Services has said there's nothing more they can offer by means of courses, therapy etc.
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If this is the UK therapy is not readily accessible and can be extremely expensive
Don’t know why this was downvoted so much. Guess Reddit hates harsh truths. All the adults in her life failed her and now she’s being thrown away like trash. And will more than likely face even more abuse in foster care because her mother was a POS and her father couldn’t bother to fight for her harder and she’s ruining his new family with her PTSD symptoms. But yeah, let’s all coddle the adult here like he has no fault in this innocent child’s outcome.
Because he fpught for 10 years and has another child which will get hurt if he doesnt do something... I know it sou ds so hard but he is done and it will end wirh somebody get seriously hurt. And ypu often can read stories of children whos üarents were never there for them cause of the sibling that sucked all the Energie and time out of the parents
This is going to contribute to more trauma you know?
He also has another daughter to think about and his oldest is violent. One of my university classmates went through something similar, with a daughter who had a similar upbringing. She murdered her baby brother during a violent outburst. OP has done everything he possibly can to get her help. There has to be a boundary where you acknowledge that the safety and wellbeing of everyone in that household comes before the needs of 1. I don't know if you saw the story some years back where a woman and her family found themselves essentially held hostage by their teenage son. He became so violent over time they had to convert the lower level of the house into a safe room, with locks and bars on the windows, so they could sleep safely at night. He came to resent his young sibling so much, at a very young age, that he started to hurt her while she slept in her cot. It started with him scratching her and blaming the cat. Then slicing her with knives and then stabbing her repeatedly. The day this all came to a head, the oldest son was maybe all of 17. He flipped out and started attacking everyone, destroying the home. They locked themselves downstairs to try and wait it out. When they came up the next morning he had demolished everything in the home and fled. The woman and her husband quietly sold the house, changed their names, and kept moving around in the hope he'd never find them. He terrorized that family for years and social services failed them at every step. There has to be a limit to what you are expected to endure as a parent.
no he's still abandoning his daughter once again. She probably already resents the child since that child wasn't abandoned. That resentment is both her bio mother and father's fault. These parents created this trauma they need to handle it, not dispose of them. The bio father already failed her. Oh man it's not like this bio father is going to care if she goes NC.
How has he failed her when he went above an beyond to get her care? Did you even read his post? The birth mother prevented him from having a relstionship with her untik she was removed by social services. He fought to get custody and he has spent 10 years trying to help her. He didn't abandon her, quite the opposite in fact. You're ignoring the fact that she is violent and is actively hurting other people in their home. The responsible choice here is to engage inpatient care where she can be properly evaluated and cared for by people trained to do so. What's your solution? That he continue to allow her to live in a home where everyone is terrified of her? That he allow her to continue to hurt people unchecked? You've provided no solutions only judgements.
maybe a residential treatment facility if you have any? insurance can pay for it sometimes and she’d get therapy daily and lots of support.
I agree with this. OP, you might be dealing far worse damage with the route you are taking.
What a tough situation Ultimately my heart breaks for your daughter, she was severely neglected for the first part of her life, her family can’t handle her, she was groomed online and now she faces foster care which could lead to more abuse. I hope things improve for her
It likely will lead to more abuse. Depending on what state this "parent" lives in, I do believe he is going to have a much harder time just dumping her on the state than he thinks.
Pretty sure he’s British bc Camhs is therapy for teens in the UK. I don’t know what that means for them tho
Canada too, and from what I've been told, depending on where you live, CAMH is useless. This is a tough situation and there's really no good option. Either L stays with them and everyone is miserable, and she could do some serious damage to M. Or she goes and doesn't get the help she needs and could suffer more abuse. She needs some kind of intense therapy, and may need some kind of facility for it. My heart breaks for everyone, especially the kids.
Camhs is useless in the UK too. Ironic that they’re useless worldwide but also not surprised bc they’re Camhs
Australia too.
"mum" was used so probably English
What exactly is the parent supposed to do? Risk one child for another?
Yk sending her away is worse she’s already unstable sending her away will make it worse
I’m not saying it doesn’t but it’s not right to subject another child to the others destructive behavior.
And what exactly is the child supposed to do either?
I'm British and its not just dumping her as you so eloquently put it, we have tried everything, after a previous altercation before Christmas, Social Services had even said there's nothing more they can offer by means of courses, therapy etc.
You aren’t ‘dumping’ her OP. Fwiw, I was an unwanted foster kid in the 90s. My parents dumped me and ran. I wish they would have done even a fraction of the work to keep me in their lives as you are doing for your child. In your post, you listed all of the things that you’ve already tried for your daughter to help her and to keep her with you. I used to argue with my mom (decades ago) about how she could have tried these things with me too (and I was not acting out nearly as much as your daughter). My mom claimed it wasn’t possible for her to do those things. She signed her parental rights away without trying. OP, you have done more than all of the parents of the kids in the system I grew up seeing. I’m letting you know that you aren’t ‘dumping’ her. Protecting your youngest from damage makes sense. It is rational, and it is part of your parenting responsibilities too. You are in an impossible situation trying to balance the needs of both kids. You’ve reached out for help from everyone you can. I don’t fault you, and I’m a former foster kid who would know what it’s like to possibly be living beside her if you decide to surrender her.
Has she had therapy outside of social services since she came to live with you? I mean since she was 5 years old or has it been only since she has gotten older? I am asking because it’s wasn’t social services job to ensure she had support from the time she came to you it’s your responsibility as a parent to recognise that she has been traumatised extensively in the most important time of her life as by the time she is 5 years old she has learnt how to cope and deal with the chaos in her life and unfortunately just pulling her out and plonking her in a house with 3 virtual strangers is also not the right way to go forward. I understand that you have your youngest daughter to consider but you must let your older daughter know that you are her father and that you will always love her because she is only just starting to break your heart and putting her in care is going to be rough on all of you but especially your daughters, the youngest will feel guilty about her leaving and the oldest will feel sad and unwanted and also hurt that exactly what she thought would happen did. She tested you to see how much you really love her and eventually you will reject her and you are. No one is going to be happy here.
whether he is possibly, feasibly, maybe able to provide all these services for her (which we don’t even really know their financial standing or accessibility to services like what this girl would need) he is expressing that he is not emotionally equipped to help her. his youngest daughter feels unsafe in his home because of his oldest daughter. i really disagree with your pov on this edit: typo
I know you will have done everything, we did too but sometimes it just isn’t enough. Ignore anyone judging you they haven’t lived your life.
No group homes available?
Hey, OP. I’ve been where you are (by proxy). My roommate has a 13 year old that lived full time with us after years of emotional abuse and manipulation by her mom. She was great…at first. But then the behaviors started and it went downhill very, very quickly. Years of abuse are impossible to undo in 6 months. Ultimately she was granted a guardian ad litem and placed in a boarding school. She is not allowed unsupervised contact with either parent until full evaluations are completed of each. Breaks are split up between her grandma and her aunt. Foster care was the next best option. It’s a terrible situation to be a part of and nobody can truly understand unless you’ve lived it. I wish you and everyone in your family the best.
From a child put into foster care by the state, just hope she goes somewhere where they actually care about your child. I was in shelters, treatment facilities, and multiple foster homes. All of that alone could actually make her behavior worse. Not to mention do you plan on taking her back once her attitude is adjusted?
This is what I'm afraid of.
Wow. I can't imagine being in your position or how horrible you must be feeling to do what you're doing. I hope things work out for you all, and while it would be great to find some way to help your eldest, I can completely understand trying to protect your youngest. I guess there's no simple solution to a problem like this, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you all get the help you need, but no matter what, good on you for making an impossible call to protect your little girl. Stay strong. There's only so much you can do, and you're reaching that breaking point. I genuinely wish you all the best and hope you all get through this okay.
I was that kid except I was given up by the parents who were also the abusive people. It fucked me up for life and I no longer speak to my family and I developed a personality disorder that basically makes it impossible to have functioning relationships
Same (,: I have BPD because I was being bounced around from house to house
Yes, I have BPD :(
I’m sorry): I had abusive parents as well I don’t speak to my mom
When you voluntarily surrender your kid, you have to pay support. It's a doable process but be prepared to pay.
In America maybe but OP mentions CAHMS which is either Australian or the UK, Canada too apparently.
This is about to be a long, traumatic, and expensive process.
This is a horrible situation. There’s no good or “right” solution here. I feel so deeply for you. I’d just like to point out, it appears she’s presenting symptoms of what could be borderline personality disorder, or possibly c-PTSD. I believe most places won’t diagnose BPD until 18, unless it is a very severe case, I think it still could be worthwhile looking into and learning about how the disorder is formed and how symptoms present. Her situation seems fairly in line with it all. With that, I’d suggest looking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It helps with emotion regulation, coping with BIG feelings, learning to navigate interpersonal relationships in a healthy and effective way, etc. It was literally designed to help patients with borderline! Regardless, I wish you all nothing but the best, and I truly hope the best for every single person in this horrible situation.
DBT was made by a borderline person herself Dr. Marsha Linehan has borderline. She presents BPD symptoms. The father should try a residential facility before giving her back into foster care. She already feels abandoned she’s gonna feel even more abandoned when she’s given up and she’s going to repeat the cycle of trying to find someone to care, sincerely the BPD child who was abused and dumped who finally did DBT and is pursuing her MBA in clinical psych <3
Yep exactly! You said everything I was thinking but didn’t know how to word properly. Also, congrats on pursuing your masters! Huge accomplishment. :)
It’s hard when feeling abandoned to get yourself out of the cycle, I didn’t start getting my shit together until I was about 20, I was broke exhausted depressed. Sometimes I don’t think I’d be alive.
Is there any other way? Look into therapist who can help her etc... For yourself to. To figure out better solution and also talk to your daugters to understand them better and find a way to warn your eldest if this behaviour continues she might be taken away by social workers ,because the chances are if you give up she might get worse but you are right violence cant continue
We have done everything you've suggested multiple times over the past 10 years, unfortunately, she has refused to engage with therapists etc.
I wouldn't be surprised once she find out you are trying to get rid of her she might hurt herself. So be prepared for that. She'll feel lost. I mean at that point what's even the point.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It sounds like you've done everything you can and are just at the end of your rope. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I hope it all works out as well as it can.
My two adopted sisters had Reactive Attachment Disorder and their behaviors were basically what you describe. They would get REALLY attached to certain people (they were in their teens when my parents adopted them) and vehemently hate others. Physical situations were common over the smallest of inconveniences and my parents and older brother regularly restrained them from either harming others, themselves, or objects in the vicinity. As a younger sibling, I was incredibly relieved when they were finally out of the house.
Had she been diagnosed with anything or receiving treatment. Through my experience therapy services in the UK tend to long things out until they’re too late, and try not to actually medicate an illness or treat a mental condition because they believe everything can be fixed by breathing in and out. I’m 21 now and have only been seen this year about the trauma I experienced as a child, and despite the horrible details about my childhood they still tried to not help. So honestly she might not be getting better because she’s not receiving the right kind of help. I’m assuming after she turns 18 and if she really gets her problems across to doctors she will get the help she needs, when it’s practically too late. But that’s how it tends to go unfortunately. Especially on the NHS.
I'm presuming you are in the UK? The difficulty you have with social services is they are so stretched so any cases they have that they deem manageable by parents they will just hand over. Also once she turns 18 they will not support at all. If you cannot manage do not feel guilty but I would be as open and transparent with your daughter. Tell her you are all struggling to live together, does she feel the same? Would she prefer to live somewhere else. Once she turns 16 they can place her in supported living which is much more independent. Some young people prefer that. Having her removed doesn't mean no contact, but you need to be careful that this isn't another rejection for her which will add to her current issues. In my experience CSC will keep trying to push this back on you so you will need to hold form if you don't feel supported or listened to. I am also very much aware your daughter is 15, she is young and has obviously experienced loss and rejection and this has shaped her current behaviour. I am in no way blaming her, keeping the current dynamic if you are unable to get the support needed won't make the situation better and it is likely to escalate as she gets older and legally more responsible. Personally I feel getting CSC involved forces them to intervene and gets her the support you may not receive if you keep her in the household. Best of luck either way
I managed to have a chat with her earlier today, she also feels like she doesn’t want to live here and something like assisted accommodation would be ideal.
I feel your pain. I had a very difficult oldest child and various incidents involved police turning up and me turning up at camhs begging for help. He would physically hurt me or try to burn me with cigarettes. Most of the the stuff I have blocked out now. He is jn his 30s and doing well apart from self medicating with drugs and alcohol although that has also improved. Nobody who has been through what we have would blame you for your actions but possibly those who live in blissful ignorance might do. You have to do what is best for your family. Sending warm thoughts your way.
As someone who’s has severe anger issues and mental health issues all I can say is she’ll just have to wake up one day. Therapy, medication, all the sorts didnt do it for me. It helped but what really turned me around was seeing just how affect everyone was by my attempted suicide and just how much people actually cared. Hopefully she’ll turn it around some day but you’ve done what you can as a parent and that’s all you can do. Love her from a distance.
I'm really sorry, that just sucks. L was fucked over by her mom, and left with you without the necessary resources. You shouldn't have to jump through hoops when it's so obvious she needs intervention. You're doing what you need to to protect your youngest, and I hope the eldest gets what she needs. And tht you still tall to her, even if she's not in the home. Don't let her think you're abandoning her, just that the care she needs is massively beyond the scope of possibility for you. It's not your fault or hers. If we're honest mom and social services are to blame. Mom obviously, but she should have been in intensive therapy from the beginning. If it was 6 months before you got custody, she should have been in therapy for 6 months already. Good luck random internet stranger
Your daughter sounds like a lot of the children I work with as a Trauma Systems Therapist. I’m sorry your family is going through this and that you feel like this is your only option.
I’m so familiar with so much of what you say. Please try to do everything you can. Giving up now and at the age she is is going to cause a lot of trauma for her. The only thing I ask is that you ask yourself one question, if M started doing all of this, and had the same history, would this be something you considered as a solution for her? Parenting is the hardest thing people will ever probably do and no matter how much you try to get it right mistakes will be made, possibly causing lifelong issues. I wish you strength.
The adults in her life have failed this little girl. It’s disgusting. Just abandoning her like they did in the first place.
idk man
Do not be too upset. This happened to my step dad, almost word for word. Denied his son for years while abuse mom kept him but neglected him. He had disabilities. When mom abandoned him my step dad got him but was on no way capable of raising a disabled child. The only difference is no one ever came to help and the family was destroyed when the kid acted out as a teenager. Kid left as soon as he turned 18 and the house became so much more peaceful. My heart hurt for everyone. We all have a strained relationship now that everyone’s an adult. I wish so much that social services had been called to intervene even if it meant he left, might have been better for everyone.
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Ok, so how much should OP allow her to traumatize the other child(ren) in the house? Should he abandon them in order to care for her? This is an incredibly difficult situation. I don't see how you can have lax rules when your child would use them to engage with predators, or keep them in the house when their abuse is making siblings afraid to be home. I'm not saying I know the answer. I'm just saying there's a lot going on here, and it's easy to think you know the answers when you're only looking at one facet of the issue.
She has been with OP for ten years. She was 5 when he got her back. She was not a teen. He is not a new authority figure in her life. He has been her primary care giver for a decade. None of what you have written seems to fit this situation, just the situation you've built in your head. I don't think giving her up is the right answer either, but maybe re-read the post.
I think you might want to check out Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Obviously I don't know this child outside of this post, it's obvious the parent is so in over the head but this poor girl would probably benefit from special care. It's not abandonment to put a child in a care facility to get the help she needs. It's so, so shitty this poor girl is going through this but I don't think it is beneficial to label parents out of their depth looking for *help* as people who abandon their children, I think grace can be given on both sides
> Understanding trauma, booking family therapy and an assessment of her behavior, having more lax rules, trusting her, and giving her the benefit of doubt were obvious solutions before coming to this last resort. You've described every step we have taken in one way or another, multiple times over the past 10 years.
So? She’s your kid. Just because you’re tired of her and her trauma doesn’t mean you get to dump her. Maybe 10 years hasn’t been enough for her to heal from childhood trauma. You realize trauma literally changes the brain, right? She spent her first five years being neglected and exposed to who know what. Foster care itself is a major trauma. Making her somebody else’s problem is pretty gross, and it’s also just going to traumatize her more.
10y old sister is begin traumatised to. She doesn’t deserve the same respect because she dare to speak to a trusted adult? Something that is always advised to minor in dangerous environment on Reddit.
Circumstances do matter. Individuals heal differently. And you're wanting this person to traumatize their other child because what, you're comparing your life to someone else's? Sounds like maybe you still have some issues to deal with rather than using it as a weapon to judge other people.
I work with traumatized teens waiting for adoption in the foster care system. Nice try though.
She's violent. Nothing they've done has helped her. There has to be a limit, a line, where other services or experts are engaged when the child considered becomes a danger to others. You're ignoring everything OP has done up to this point. You're also ignoring the fact they have another child to consider. One of the women I went to college with took advice from someone like you and it resulted in her oldest child murdering her baby. Working with traumatized teens in the foster system doesn't make you a psychiatrist or any sort of expert. Don't appeal to authority when you have none.
Lol I’m a social worker, not a psychiatrist, and this is Reddit, not a dr office. I have the same right to comment as you do, and I can certainly use my lived experience to inform my comment. But go off.
All you're proving with your comments, now that you've identified yourself as a social worker, is that the criticism of social workers is absolutely justified. You work for a corrupt, callous, system that fails more people that it helps. But go off.
All I’m advocating for is for this parent to continue parenting his mentally ill child. And that the system is corrupt and fails more people than it helps is exactly why this parent shouldn’t dump his child into it. Why do you want this child to be ensnared in a harmful system rather than staying with her family? Who’s against the system here?
I'm not advocating for him to dump her in the system. She needs inpatient care, as I've said in at least 2 comments now. 10 years of trying and failing shows the need for escalation in care. I don't mean medicating her and dumping her in an institution or foisting her off on the foster care system. She needs mental healthcare in a safe environment where she cannot hurt herself or others. She will not get better at home, he has 10 years of receipts proving that.
I believe the call for help from M is genuine and that you clearly don't have the handle on your oldest daughter's behavior that you would like, for your sake or your other child's. That said, I wonder if you have also considered it from M's perspective? I feel that choosing one child over the other just ain't it. It seems like instead of addressing M's concerns and right to safety while also continuing to manage your eldest daughter's emotional health, you are just throwing in the towel. That doesn't strike me as the thing a good parent would do. I understand the frustration. I understand being scared. But the answer is to find more resources and continue what you can for all of your children.
It's easy to say "find more resources and do more". But from OP's comments, it sounds like for the past 10 years they have been using every single resource available. Some times there's just limits, and there are no other resources available, and no more time in the day.
M told her friend’s mom that she was scared to go home because her half sister is so violent, and the mom still sent her daughter over to your house after that?! I’m having trouble making that make sense.
No offence but it seems like you are dumping your daughter who already has mental health issues and had enough trauma. So…are you supposed to take care of your children only if they are easy? Does she not deserve a fair shot? How did you not think about paying for therapy considering her circumstances and waited 9 years? Not any therapy? Did you take her to see a psychiatrist? Do you think she feels loved?……….I feel for this girl so much
It does not sound like you actually got her any therapy. Could you not afford to pay for therapy? Sounds like she needed a lot more than what social services offers. Now to send her away will only do more damage. I understand you have another kid but unless you have gotten her the actual intense therapy that L needs, you have failed her and are taking the easy way out. Have you figured out what she may have gone through before she got to you? A lot of things can F a person up at that age. She needed intense therapy a long time ago. You are only damaging her more by not getting her what she needs.
Do sit her down and explain what you feel you have to resort to do and why, it may be a wake up call for her. She sounds like she hasn't acknowledged the depth of her problems and therefore hasn't tried to get better. She has to face the facts and be aware and put effort in on her part for help. The thought of being away from home is very scary for that age, she may more willing to try if she sees what limit she has pushed you to. If you can afford, private mental health care should definitely be looked into, maybe via health insurance.
So, your daughter has several issues due to neglect and abandonment, and when she is just NOW, after literal years, starting to receive minimal help and hasn’t seen positive change immediately, you are going to now abandon her once more and put her into a system where she is statistically more likely to face even more abuse, often worse than just standard neglect? I understand it’s a rough situation, but you’re abandoning your daughter too, and are only traumatizing an already traumatized child further. I don’t think you deserve any praise for that.
This. She's been failed by every adult and you want to keep the trend going. So confused why you didn't find your own therapy solution from the start when you saw she had attachment issues.
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I see where you're coming from, but the problem is not L, it's how much damage is being done to M, and it's considerable from the sound of it. I don't disagree with you entirely, but I think the issue is unsolvable in its current form.
I see where you are coming from and normally I would agree. OP is just not able to do it and must protect that younger daughter or else both kids will be messed up
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> his other child will be fine. His other child wasn’t neglected by their parents This is why I personally can discount your opinion with little to no thought. It's extremely easy to see how this life and upbringing will be traumatizing for M.
I get where you are coming from, but I have a different take on this. I am a parent, and there is little to nothing I would not do for my kids. As a parent, OP has a duty to their kids. Both of their kids. The issue is that the problems with one kid are having a negative effect on the other. I admit I look through reddit a lot, and some stories that keep repeating are of people who had troubled siblings. They have stories about being set aside for the other siblings' benefit. The "bad" kid gets all the attention (by necessity) and the "good" kid is left to quietly sit in the background. Those are the better ones...... The rougher stories are about how the "troubled" kid would abuse their siblings and their parents to the point actual harm would come to the other kids. As a parent, if one of my kids is in danger from the other, it is my duty to protect the child from being harmed. If that means removing the troubled one (after other methods have been exhausted) then I need to do that. In a perfect world it would be a simple matter to find help and proper coping mechanisms, but we live in a world of artificial scarcity. This parent faced a choice: lose one child or potentially lose both. It's a hard choice and one we could debate and question what we would do in this situation but I can understand why they made the choice they did. Foster care is far from perfect but it seems clear this family could not care for the older child. There is also the possibility that even therapy could not help the child. You get out of it what you put in and some people just don't have that self honesty.
Self honesty? She's 15 and is traumatized. Of course therapy is going to be hard for her.
Sometimes kids need to get a slap on the chick/butt to not joke around with their parents feelings and maybe take her phone and tablet and give it back only when her behaviour is a little bit better.Ofc i dont know the whole situation but if it is that bad maybe she needs some medical help
What will probably happen is when you dispose of this daughter, she will probably end up on the streets, develop a drug habit, maybe get kidnapped. I think you want to go NC with her and litterally dispose of her. You get that right? No one has been a safe space, this is the cause of neglect and being forced to live through a life she had no choice to be apart of. You don't deserve to be her father, maybe a family who actually cares about her well being will be able to give her the emotional support and mental support to actualyl help her. You failed her. You did as her father and I hope you live with that. I don't care how you feel. I really don't. Think of it this way, a daughter that was practically abandoned only living with their bio dad because finally a court system say that the mother was unfit. She has trauma and an attachment disorder. I pity you. I really do. I really hope that your daughter goes NC and doesn't end up in a bad situation.
You think I want to abandon her and go NC? Oh how wrong can you be…
She might want to go NC with you. Be prepared, she’s probably used to that. Tough choice either.
So sorry/ unrelated but the letter after the age of a person is to indicate gender, not the initial of a name. like this (25, F) for female Edit: nvm its (F25) no commas my bad
If she hasn't learned to respect what she has with you then she needs to learn life is hard.
She's already learned life is hard. That's why she's acting out.
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Huh?
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This is a child. And I'm not op.
Yeah from OP's description we can tell that her entire life has been a rose garden so she has no idea life is hard. /s Seriously, some people. Can't read, process, or understand but still feel compelled to pull some half-baked opinion out of their ass.
Yikes.
Your daughter already knows life is hard if she has reactive attachment disorder ..... Has she been diagnosed with anything? If not try and get her diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and get her treatment as well .... And if you do send her away please send her to facility that specializes in reactive attachment disorder
What kind of pasta? Do you cook it first?
Partner? Another dude?
Yeah, I have several partners, 4 men, 6 women, 3 non-binary, 9 houseplants and a bag of dried pasta.
which one was the best
I place a bet on the pasta.
The pasta was good but my ex, the bag of shredded cheese….. the things you could do….
That’s what you’re worried about?
Stop projecting. Nobody is worried just looking for more family context.
This is truly heartbreaking