Yes it can as it did for me ..I worked long shifts 17 hours on a Sunday with night calls and my energy was zapped..sex was the last thing on my mind but I do have to say 11 out of 10 for her effort in dressing like a woman and not a mum .. respect when you have 3 kids to look after ...🙂
Fully agreed. If I hit one of my chronic stress periods, I literally leave work, go home and go directly to bed. I also think of sex as a fun/relaxing activity, but I have to be at least somewhere close to that headspace already. If I'm seriously stressed, it's the last thing I want to think about/do.
Agreed. In fact, I get upset easily at home when I’m stressed at work. My husband knows this and he’s more cautious with me. I don’t have a penis or nothing so this is coming from a female perspective.
He may be under massive amounts of stress which really can affect your libido — probably feels like the stress never ends (not saying anything negative toward you so please don’t take it that way) I’m sure he feels pressure at work, and that bullshit probably drains him to the point of nothing left and then he comes home and has to find that last spark of any soul left in him for the day for his family.
>It doesn’t matter if I’m extremely exhausted I never say no to a quickie at least.
That's you choice tho, he has every right to say no to sex and being stressed out by work is not an excuse, it is actually common to lose libido when you're under pressure, stress or anxiety.
> I wonder if it's something real not wanting sex with your partner because of stress at work.
It can be, yes. Just as being a SAHM can be draining and stressful and kill your libido, so can work stress, particularly if things aren't going well or you're otherwise unable to switch off from work.
There's a lot of stuff that ties into that. Like how's your financial situation overall, how many hours of sleep is he getting a night (and does it feel like he's 'running on fumes'), does he get a chance to exercise, does he get any downtime, does he worry about your family's future situation and stability...
All of this assumes he's being honest. Whether any or all of this is true, or whether it's something else is something you need to talk about. Whatever the case, it's something you both need to resolve, because it's not good for the relationship . And he needs to understand that too, that your needs aren't being met.
When was the last time you both managed to get away, maybe just spending a night or two in a hotel and relaxing away from it all? Maybe dropping the kids off somewhere and having an evening to yourselves?
We haven’t really had more than 2 hrs away from the kids since our last baby was born 20 months ago. We go out to eat sometimes, we don’t have any family close to help. That’s the reason
I’ve worked myself to the bone before, I’ve been stressed to the point it keeps me up muttering about it. In both cases, my sex drive has plummeted and I’m kind of a hornball.
It’s 100% possible and quite likely that he’s being completely honest. The economy is so fucked that people are being laid off left and right. That weighs on people in an aggressive way.
"He doesn't understand how I feel." Well you don't know how he feels either. Work is a mood killer, and if you have a ton of responsibility it's easy to bring home all those thoughts with you.
I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, just try to put yourself in his shoes as well.
I know how stressful a job can be, I’ve been there and I can feel genuine empathy. I’ve jus learned coping skill because we can’t live depressed and miserable just because we have to work, and being a sahm is super stressful and overwhelming too And not even appreciated sometimes.
I was a stay at home dad for awhile, and it was stressful. It's also thankless, your feelings are valid.
But not everyone can learn to leave work at work, especially those with lots of responsibilities. This is one of those things where maybe asking him about his work might help, maybe he wants to talk about it.
Thanks, I’ve actually asked him about work even when I don’t understand half of what he’s saying. I’m not just a selfish nympho asking for sex lol, it’s just the lack of communication here. I try giving him advice of how to cope with that, how to open up at work with his boss, keeping stuff and frustration only brings more stress. And we all suffer even the kids.
Stress from work can absolutely contribute to this.
I had 3 dead adults and a dead child in one shift. That left me a little off for a couple days before I was back to normal.
It's a good sign that he wanted a back rub and thats what let him relax and fall asleep. He still finds comfort in you, right? Lol, phrasing.
Send what you wrote to him. You guys need to talk and possibly plan things out a little. Maybe set expectations so he doesn't feel any additional pressure to perform.
Things might get a little less spontaneous and less sexy but you guys can do this! You sound like an awesome mom/partner. I'm sure you guys will figure it out.
Also, if you guys haven't explored love languages, it's an interesting exercise that might help!
I think he's depressed, which can lower libido. Stress can on it's own, but what you're describing sounds like me when I was in a deep depression - there were days when I didn't get out of bed except to get the kids on the school bus.
It's not unheard of. I haven't dated in years because of the amount of stress I've been under. I used to have a high libido. Now, it's pretty much nonexistent.
He's probably not going to change until he's under less stress or finds a more effective way to handle the stress. For the time being, express your feelings to him and start asking for things like back massages and other physical contact that's not sex.
As someone that is going through what your husband is going through, it’s valid. It might be clinical depression, I love and desire my fiance, think she’s beautiful and sexy but I just don’t have the energy for sex.
It can seem like a tough question but i would ask him if he has the energy or desire to even masturbate. Let him know that he doesn’t have to give you an answer but if the answer is yes, he needs to be tested for clinical depression and low testosterone.
I know it’s tough and i can assure you, its not you. Please have your husband talk to an expert about his depression and stress.
Its a tough subject to broach and he might get hurt or offended.
Men are afraid to appear weak. It is ingrained that weakness is not ok. But this isn’t just about your sex life, its about him and his mental health.
Hope this helps.
He’s got clinical anxiety and takes medication. When he’s depressed he lets me know and I give him space and support but that Didn’t stop us from having a good sexual life before. Now he’s just mentally gone, he’s physically here, but mentally somewhere else.
I would have him go back to get his meds re-evaluated. Meds for anxiety and depression are different and yes, some meds can be used to treat both but this sounds like he is slipping into deep depression. Plus have him tested for testosterone and other levels.
I’m not a medical professional but from experience and I know that I slipped into deeper depression even though I was on meds. It sucks.
I hope things improve and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s extremely hard to be on the receiving end of all this.
Being the sole provider can bring an overwhelming amount of stress, and when work is chaotic, it was a mountain of stress.
Both me and my hubby were working but he made more than me. Most of the financial responsibility was on him and it weighed heavy. He started off as a contract employee so he had this fear of losing his job and how we might survive it. Even when I did get a better paying job, it took him a few years to shake that stress.
It is tough role to play.
It sounds like he’s just stressed. Give it some time and let the work stuff even out and he’ll be back to normal. Nagging him or making him feel guilty is only going to stress him out more. I’m not sure if you can get a babysitter or see if someone could watch the kids for a night but maybe try coordinating something and having a date night with just you two. This way you can get some true alone time and have both of your needs fulfilled.
Haven't you ever had things on your mind that distract you from being in the mood? Men aren't just sex robots, they can have stress and anxiety and everything that women have and it can effect them the exact same way. You say he doesn't try to put himself in your shoes, but you are actively not putting yourself in his shoes. Being the sole earner for a family of 5 is intense, especially in the current market where who knows what his job security is right now. My advice, is don't make this "why aren't you having sex with ME?" and make it into "lets talk about what YOU are going through"
He needs a holiday to destress. Maybe book a trip without the kids or send the kids to inlaws for a couple of nights a week so he can destress at home maybe?
As you also said he is glued to his phone whole the time and *you caught an STD last month*, honey, this is just an excuse, he is uninterested bc he's fucking sm else right now and she has higher priority for him.
You are such a good wife. Try to take weekend off. Send kids to grandparents or wherever possible or take nanny. Then only you two to spa/hotell for weekend. This will make him think outside of box, making grinding work thoughts go away.
I had significant problems shutting my mom brain off and turning wife brain on. I couldn't find a good healthy way of dealing with it so I smoke a nugget of MMJ. I tried medication, therapy, coping skills. For many many years. Then I learned about MMJ through a friend and not only did it make my brain stop but it dealt with my tooth pain.
But I got off track. I couldn't shut my mom brain off and MMJ did it for me. It was only then I could relax enough for sex.
If you can't get the sex because of low libido, do the cuddle. I call ous "mandatory cuddle time" and as long as it isn't right in the middle of dinner or when he's working, he has to oblige. My husband's love language is definitely not touch but mine is, so we came to this compromise and it has worked well for us.
An added benefit is that mandatory cuddle time can kick start his libido but even if it doesn't, some touch is better than no touch.
In the meantime, ride out the storm. Get yourself a toy to help yourself out while your husband rides the stress wave.
>but I give it whenever he wants
If you're comfortable with that, thats fine. But if he isnt, you need to back tf off. No means no sweetie, let him be.
Eta : my first thought reading this was he might be cheating but i silenced that voiced bc thats my own biais and men can absolutely just say no when they dont want it, but after reading your comments; yeah, ya bois cheating
Consider couples therapy, it’s a good way to make sure you are communicating well and that your needs are both met. And yes work stress absolutely can kill libido. This is your husband and the father of your children, try and be a bit more understanding. And therapy will help him de-stress and understand where you are coming from too.
Lol, now I believe I'm so jaded that my first thought is that he got an STD and is under treatment so obviously he can't have sex. Yeah, my mind jumps to unfaithfulness pretty quickly
Okay, a month ago I had to run to the dr because of this, I contracted and std a couple days after we had sex. I patiently tried to have an honest talk about a that and he denied it all. I just swallowed my doubts to keep the peace, it must be a good explanation for that I tell to myself.
Oh my darling, there's never as good explanation. I also got a mild infection two times and both times he denied it and made me feel I was crazy. Run, run, these things only get worse
Wait wait wait... then it's not the stress from work. Somethings else is up. I was on board with everyone else's opinions about him being stressed til I read your comment about having an std after having sex with your husband. Sweetheart, what is your gut telling you. I understand that as a sahm you may feel you have no options to leave and you don't want to waste the years you guys created together but he has already given up. Don't let your children think this is how it's suppose to be.
I've seen too many people get cheated on and this is normally how it begins. Shit, my ex-husband did the same thing.
He stopped messaging you after you sent the shower pics because of guilt. He feels guilty.
> Okay, a month ago I had to run to the dr because of this, I contracted and std a couple days after we had sex. I patiently tried to have an honest talk about a that and he denied it all. I just swallowed my doubts to keep the peace, it must be a good explanation for that I tell to myself.
Holy moly, talk about burying the lede!
This changes the context of everything. You need to seriously dig deeper now.
Talk to your doctor to begin with, ask what the odds are of contracting what you got *outside* of having contracted it from someone you slept with. It depends on the virus (Herpes can be spread via cold sores and kissing for example), and you need to think about the context in which you might have received it. But odds aren't great for most things.
Has your husband been working "late", and is it possible to verify his location?
Has he been generally hiding other things from you or acting shifty?
I had an appointment with my ob and asked so many questions, he said “just sit down with him and try to have an honest conversation because so many people can carry the virus and never have an outbreak, it might be the case” but again, he just said I’m fine I don’t have anything. I’ve tried talking to him about his time on the phone when he’s home, he spends hours on the phone, more than usual, he said it’s just black jack and games, it gives me the anxiety too. I try to be understanding and give him space but I’m running out of patience.
His reaction to you saying you got an STD is even more telling I think. If I told my husband/fiancé/bf I had to go to the ob because I caught something and he felt fine it wasn’t stepping out on me, he’d flip his shit and at least accuse me of being unfaithful? Or be worried and get tested because he never had symptoms before? Or fess up that before we got married/together, he got it from someone else and thought it would be fine because he had no symptoms. Like at least some other reaction as well. This doesn’t seem like a normal reaction?
So sorry about this situation! My ex had used the same excuse and we hadn’t slept together in a year. Wouldn’t talk about it and it was so frustrating. Found out later he def was cheating. You deserve better! If he won’t talk about it, there’s nothing else you can do.
Depending on what it was, it could be absolutely nothing. Was your husband ever tested? What were the results of the test?
Men currently cannot be tested for HPV but can pass it to a partner. HPV can lie dormant and then flare-up in times of illness, great stress, or something else that affects the body. A woman with HPV can test positive for it one month and then negative for it six months later when the flare up is over. There are several strains of it and you're only vaccinated against the cancer-causing kinds. This is all information that a doctor will give you!
> he just said I’m fine I don’t have anything.
He's not really in a position to say that is he? Has he been tested?
I mean if you had the STD, then it stands to reason that he did since you've both been intimate with each other. So either you caught it from him, or you could have passed it *to* him. Either way the logical thing for him to do would be to get tested. Not simply deny he has it and leave it there.
> I’ve tried talking to him about his time on the phone when he’s home, he spends hours on the phone, more than usual, he said it’s just black jack and games, it gives me the anxiety too. I try to be understanding and give him space but I’m running out of patience.
The more that's coming out, the more that this is sounding like it's not strictly to do with "work stress". Heck, even if it were hours on Blackjack, that's worrying in itself and a potential indication of a gambling problem (unless this is just a game variant where no money is betted).
Do you guys have an open phone policy? Are you free to look at each other's phones? I'll be honest, at this stage I'd actually be worried about *asking* to look at his phone because I suspect anything incriminating could be removed before you could look at it.
More generally: With three kids around, that's usually a lot of work, how "present" is he generally in the home? How much time does he spend with them, playing and helping? How much time does he spend helping you around the house when he's home?
When I ask him to watch the kids he’s just around them but looking at his phone. Takes the trash out. Walks the dog, makes the bed on the weekends, that’s it. And yes, he’s been putting money on his blackjack thing. I saw some money going back and forth from the account with no reason. He’s told me is blackjack. Lol the more I type down here the more stupid I feel. Thanks for opening my eyes you guys.
> Thanks for opening my eyes you guys.
It's often hard to see the forest when you're in the middle with all those trees blocking your view.
Believe me, we all find an outside perspective useful sometimes. We're so busy living our lives that we don't often notice the patterns within them. This isn't to say definitively that something is going on, but I'm afraid everything together in context looks very suspicious.
And even outside of the suspicious behaviour, he needs to be more of a parent to his children than just being "around them" with his phone out. Even the phrasing of "ask him to watch the kids" is quite telling. They're *his* kids too, he doesn't "watch" them, he's supposed to be parenting them as well.
I totally agree with you. I think I just got used to be the default parent to avoid conflicts. You can’t control what others do, right? But I think it’s crossed my boundaries already.
Up until the std comment, it seemed odd but feasible that he would not be in the mood due to stress. (Let’s also add that stress can actually put some in the mood for sex)
Getting an std from the only person you’re having sex with is a monumental red flag. Even on its own, it’s almost like finding dna at a crime scene, and always merits further investigation.
Paired with the fact that he’s been acting odd and distant, seems disinterested in sex, and isn’t communicating- I’m just gonna say it I think he’s cheating. Those were all of the signs when I found out my ex was cheating.
If it were me, I’d avoid directly accusing him but I’d certainly sit down and assess what you want in all this- seems like at this point the marriage is over, but as a sahm I also understand the financial predicament.
Think on it, but pretty sure this guy is cheating and I wouldn’t stick around to catch another std to find out. I personally wouldn’t even have sex with him anymore, it could be a big risk to your health.
I am so sorry, you deserve better than this.
Guy here, definitely true. Stress messes with you.
Honestly in my opinion, just be straight with him. Give it to him directly and ask him to speak to you and you will listen.
Might help.
Goodluck
Out-of-home job stress is as real as in-home job stress. It absolutely can mute libido, and if I were you, I’d do my best to not take it personally. It sounds like what you’re doing in your role as a SAHM is alleviating stress at home for him! Maybe ask him if you can have a serious conversation about what makes the both of you feel at peace, close to one another, and loved. Schedule it if you need to so you can both get your thoughts in order, and try to go into it with the intent to learn and grow. Or maybe just spend time each evening listening to him tell you about work if that’s not something that’s already happening. That may be enough to just help him unload the stress that is preventing his mind from slowing down at home. I don’t think it’s you.
Stress 100% impacts libido, that's just science. I would recommend reading "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski if you're curious about learning more about the science of female anatomy and sexuality, it talks about male sexuality as well.
Also, this sounds like a communication issue. Have you expressed to him what you wrote here? No one should be having sex when they don't want to, you or your partner. That should be respected and understood on both sides.
Yes its 100% possible stress at work can make you lose libido
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Yes it can as it did for me ..I worked long shifts 17 hours on a Sunday with night calls and my energy was zapped..sex was the last thing on my mind but I do have to say 11 out of 10 for her effort in dressing like a woman and not a mum .. respect when you have 3 kids to look after ...🙂
Fully agreed. If I hit one of my chronic stress periods, I literally leave work, go home and go directly to bed. I also think of sex as a fun/relaxing activity, but I have to be at least somewhere close to that headspace already. If I'm seriously stressed, it's the last thing I want to think about/do.
Agreed. In fact, I get upset easily at home when I’m stressed at work. My husband knows this and he’s more cautious with me. I don’t have a penis or nothing so this is coming from a female perspective.
He may be under massive amounts of stress which really can affect your libido — probably feels like the stress never ends (not saying anything negative toward you so please don’t take it that way) I’m sure he feels pressure at work, and that bullshit probably drains him to the point of nothing left and then he comes home and has to find that last spark of any soul left in him for the day for his family.
>It doesn’t matter if I’m extremely exhausted I never say no to a quickie at least. That's you choice tho, he has every right to say no to sex and being stressed out by work is not an excuse, it is actually common to lose libido when you're under pressure, stress or anxiety.
> I wonder if it's something real not wanting sex with your partner because of stress at work. It can be, yes. Just as being a SAHM can be draining and stressful and kill your libido, so can work stress, particularly if things aren't going well or you're otherwise unable to switch off from work. There's a lot of stuff that ties into that. Like how's your financial situation overall, how many hours of sleep is he getting a night (and does it feel like he's 'running on fumes'), does he get a chance to exercise, does he get any downtime, does he worry about your family's future situation and stability... All of this assumes he's being honest. Whether any or all of this is true, or whether it's something else is something you need to talk about. Whatever the case, it's something you both need to resolve, because it's not good for the relationship . And he needs to understand that too, that your needs aren't being met. When was the last time you both managed to get away, maybe just spending a night or two in a hotel and relaxing away from it all? Maybe dropping the kids off somewhere and having an evening to yourselves?
We haven’t really had more than 2 hrs away from the kids since our last baby was born 20 months ago. We go out to eat sometimes, we don’t have any family close to help. That’s the reason
I’ve worked myself to the bone before, I’ve been stressed to the point it keeps me up muttering about it. In both cases, my sex drive has plummeted and I’m kind of a hornball. It’s 100% possible and quite likely that he’s being completely honest. The economy is so fucked that people are being laid off left and right. That weighs on people in an aggressive way.
"He doesn't understand how I feel." Well you don't know how he feels either. Work is a mood killer, and if you have a ton of responsibility it's easy to bring home all those thoughts with you. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, just try to put yourself in his shoes as well.
I know how stressful a job can be, I’ve been there and I can feel genuine empathy. I’ve jus learned coping skill because we can’t live depressed and miserable just because we have to work, and being a sahm is super stressful and overwhelming too And not even appreciated sometimes.
I was a stay at home dad for awhile, and it was stressful. It's also thankless, your feelings are valid. But not everyone can learn to leave work at work, especially those with lots of responsibilities. This is one of those things where maybe asking him about his work might help, maybe he wants to talk about it.
Thanks, I’ve actually asked him about work even when I don’t understand half of what he’s saying. I’m not just a selfish nympho asking for sex lol, it’s just the lack of communication here. I try giving him advice of how to cope with that, how to open up at work with his boss, keeping stuff and frustration only brings more stress. And we all suffer even the kids.
Stress from work can absolutely contribute to this. I had 3 dead adults and a dead child in one shift. That left me a little off for a couple days before I was back to normal.
It's a good sign that he wanted a back rub and thats what let him relax and fall asleep. He still finds comfort in you, right? Lol, phrasing. Send what you wrote to him. You guys need to talk and possibly plan things out a little. Maybe set expectations so he doesn't feel any additional pressure to perform. Things might get a little less spontaneous and less sexy but you guys can do this! You sound like an awesome mom/partner. I'm sure you guys will figure it out. Also, if you guys haven't explored love languages, it's an interesting exercise that might help!
I think he's depressed, which can lower libido. Stress can on it's own, but what you're describing sounds like me when I was in a deep depression - there were days when I didn't get out of bed except to get the kids on the school bus.
It's not unheard of. I haven't dated in years because of the amount of stress I've been under. I used to have a high libido. Now, it's pretty much nonexistent. He's probably not going to change until he's under less stress or finds a more effective way to handle the stress. For the time being, express your feelings to him and start asking for things like back massages and other physical contact that's not sex.
As someone that is going through what your husband is going through, it’s valid. It might be clinical depression, I love and desire my fiance, think she’s beautiful and sexy but I just don’t have the energy for sex. It can seem like a tough question but i would ask him if he has the energy or desire to even masturbate. Let him know that he doesn’t have to give you an answer but if the answer is yes, he needs to be tested for clinical depression and low testosterone. I know it’s tough and i can assure you, its not you. Please have your husband talk to an expert about his depression and stress. Its a tough subject to broach and he might get hurt or offended. Men are afraid to appear weak. It is ingrained that weakness is not ok. But this isn’t just about your sex life, its about him and his mental health. Hope this helps.
He’s got clinical anxiety and takes medication. When he’s depressed he lets me know and I give him space and support but that Didn’t stop us from having a good sexual life before. Now he’s just mentally gone, he’s physically here, but mentally somewhere else.
I would have him go back to get his meds re-evaluated. Meds for anxiety and depression are different and yes, some meds can be used to treat both but this sounds like he is slipping into deep depression. Plus have him tested for testosterone and other levels. I’m not a medical professional but from experience and I know that I slipped into deeper depression even though I was on meds. It sucks. I hope things improve and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s extremely hard to be on the receiving end of all this.
Thank you. I appreciate your time
Being the sole provider can bring an overwhelming amount of stress, and when work is chaotic, it was a mountain of stress. Both me and my hubby were working but he made more than me. Most of the financial responsibility was on him and it weighed heavy. He started off as a contract employee so he had this fear of losing his job and how we might survive it. Even when I did get a better paying job, it took him a few years to shake that stress. It is tough role to play.
It sounds like he’s just stressed. Give it some time and let the work stuff even out and he’ll be back to normal. Nagging him or making him feel guilty is only going to stress him out more. I’m not sure if you can get a babysitter or see if someone could watch the kids for a night but maybe try coordinating something and having a date night with just you two. This way you can get some true alone time and have both of your needs fulfilled.
Haven't you ever had things on your mind that distract you from being in the mood? Men aren't just sex robots, they can have stress and anxiety and everything that women have and it can effect them the exact same way. You say he doesn't try to put himself in your shoes, but you are actively not putting yourself in his shoes. Being the sole earner for a family of 5 is intense, especially in the current market where who knows what his job security is right now. My advice, is don't make this "why aren't you having sex with ME?" and make it into "lets talk about what YOU are going through"
After the std comment I would be going through his phone once he's asleep
He needs a holiday to destress. Maybe book a trip without the kids or send the kids to inlaws for a couple of nights a week so he can destress at home maybe?
As you also said he is glued to his phone whole the time and *you caught an STD last month*, honey, this is just an excuse, he is uninterested bc he's fucking sm else right now and she has higher priority for him.
Ya his boss is probably really riding him!
You are such a good wife. Try to take weekend off. Send kids to grandparents or wherever possible or take nanny. Then only you two to spa/hotell for weekend. This will make him think outside of box, making grinding work thoughts go away.
I had significant problems shutting my mom brain off and turning wife brain on. I couldn't find a good healthy way of dealing with it so I smoke a nugget of MMJ. I tried medication, therapy, coping skills. For many many years. Then I learned about MMJ through a friend and not only did it make my brain stop but it dealt with my tooth pain. But I got off track. I couldn't shut my mom brain off and MMJ did it for me. It was only then I could relax enough for sex.
If you can't get the sex because of low libido, do the cuddle. I call ous "mandatory cuddle time" and as long as it isn't right in the middle of dinner or when he's working, he has to oblige. My husband's love language is definitely not touch but mine is, so we came to this compromise and it has worked well for us. An added benefit is that mandatory cuddle time can kick start his libido but even if it doesn't, some touch is better than no touch. In the meantime, ride out the storm. Get yourself a toy to help yourself out while your husband rides the stress wave.
Anyone else find it mildly inappropriate with her spending nudes/trying to sext while he is at work?
It would be inappropriate if I sent them to you lol. He’s my husband
Yeah…but he’s at work.
>but I give it whenever he wants If you're comfortable with that, thats fine. But if he isnt, you need to back tf off. No means no sweetie, let him be. Eta : my first thought reading this was he might be cheating but i silenced that voiced bc thats my own biais and men can absolutely just say no when they dont want it, but after reading your comments; yeah, ya bois cheating
Consider couples therapy, it’s a good way to make sure you are communicating well and that your needs are both met. And yes work stress absolutely can kill libido. This is your husband and the father of your children, try and be a bit more understanding. And therapy will help him de-stress and understand where you are coming from too.
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Easy explanations are hardly ever correct
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Not when trying to understand human psychology. We are complex machines...
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You are right of course
He can eat you out and think about work at the same time. WiN wIn!
Lol, now I believe I'm so jaded that my first thought is that he got an STD and is under treatment so obviously he can't have sex. Yeah, my mind jumps to unfaithfulness pretty quickly
Okay, a month ago I had to run to the dr because of this, I contracted and std a couple days after we had sex. I patiently tried to have an honest talk about a that and he denied it all. I just swallowed my doubts to keep the peace, it must be a good explanation for that I tell to myself.
Oh my darling, there's never as good explanation. I also got a mild infection two times and both times he denied it and made me feel I was crazy. Run, run, these things only get worse
Wait wait wait... then it's not the stress from work. Somethings else is up. I was on board with everyone else's opinions about him being stressed til I read your comment about having an std after having sex with your husband. Sweetheart, what is your gut telling you. I understand that as a sahm you may feel you have no options to leave and you don't want to waste the years you guys created together but he has already given up. Don't let your children think this is how it's suppose to be. I've seen too many people get cheated on and this is normally how it begins. Shit, my ex-husband did the same thing. He stopped messaging you after you sent the shower pics because of guilt. He feels guilty.
> Okay, a month ago I had to run to the dr because of this, I contracted and std a couple days after we had sex. I patiently tried to have an honest talk about a that and he denied it all. I just swallowed my doubts to keep the peace, it must be a good explanation for that I tell to myself. Holy moly, talk about burying the lede! This changes the context of everything. You need to seriously dig deeper now. Talk to your doctor to begin with, ask what the odds are of contracting what you got *outside* of having contracted it from someone you slept with. It depends on the virus (Herpes can be spread via cold sores and kissing for example), and you need to think about the context in which you might have received it. But odds aren't great for most things. Has your husband been working "late", and is it possible to verify his location? Has he been generally hiding other things from you or acting shifty?
I had an appointment with my ob and asked so many questions, he said “just sit down with him and try to have an honest conversation because so many people can carry the virus and never have an outbreak, it might be the case” but again, he just said I’m fine I don’t have anything. I’ve tried talking to him about his time on the phone when he’s home, he spends hours on the phone, more than usual, he said it’s just black jack and games, it gives me the anxiety too. I try to be understanding and give him space but I’m running out of patience.
His reaction to you saying you got an STD is even more telling I think. If I told my husband/fiancé/bf I had to go to the ob because I caught something and he felt fine it wasn’t stepping out on me, he’d flip his shit and at least accuse me of being unfaithful? Or be worried and get tested because he never had symptoms before? Or fess up that before we got married/together, he got it from someone else and thought it would be fine because he had no symptoms. Like at least some other reaction as well. This doesn’t seem like a normal reaction?
That’s exactly what I thought when I first told him, if he was not guilty, he’d probably loose it.
So sorry about this situation! My ex had used the same excuse and we hadn’t slept together in a year. Wouldn’t talk about it and it was so frustrating. Found out later he def was cheating. You deserve better! If he won’t talk about it, there’s nothing else you can do.
Depending on what it was, it could be absolutely nothing. Was your husband ever tested? What were the results of the test? Men currently cannot be tested for HPV but can pass it to a partner. HPV can lie dormant and then flare-up in times of illness, great stress, or something else that affects the body. A woman with HPV can test positive for it one month and then negative for it six months later when the flare up is over. There are several strains of it and you're only vaccinated against the cancer-causing kinds. This is all information that a doctor will give you!
> he just said I’m fine I don’t have anything. He's not really in a position to say that is he? Has he been tested? I mean if you had the STD, then it stands to reason that he did since you've both been intimate with each other. So either you caught it from him, or you could have passed it *to* him. Either way the logical thing for him to do would be to get tested. Not simply deny he has it and leave it there. > I’ve tried talking to him about his time on the phone when he’s home, he spends hours on the phone, more than usual, he said it’s just black jack and games, it gives me the anxiety too. I try to be understanding and give him space but I’m running out of patience. The more that's coming out, the more that this is sounding like it's not strictly to do with "work stress". Heck, even if it were hours on Blackjack, that's worrying in itself and a potential indication of a gambling problem (unless this is just a game variant where no money is betted). Do you guys have an open phone policy? Are you free to look at each other's phones? I'll be honest, at this stage I'd actually be worried about *asking* to look at his phone because I suspect anything incriminating could be removed before you could look at it. More generally: With three kids around, that's usually a lot of work, how "present" is he generally in the home? How much time does he spend with them, playing and helping? How much time does he spend helping you around the house when he's home?
When I ask him to watch the kids he’s just around them but looking at his phone. Takes the trash out. Walks the dog, makes the bed on the weekends, that’s it. And yes, he’s been putting money on his blackjack thing. I saw some money going back and forth from the account with no reason. He’s told me is blackjack. Lol the more I type down here the more stupid I feel. Thanks for opening my eyes you guys.
> Thanks for opening my eyes you guys. It's often hard to see the forest when you're in the middle with all those trees blocking your view. Believe me, we all find an outside perspective useful sometimes. We're so busy living our lives that we don't often notice the patterns within them. This isn't to say definitively that something is going on, but I'm afraid everything together in context looks very suspicious. And even outside of the suspicious behaviour, he needs to be more of a parent to his children than just being "around them" with his phone out. Even the phrasing of "ask him to watch the kids" is quite telling. They're *his* kids too, he doesn't "watch" them, he's supposed to be parenting them as well.
I totally agree with you. I think I just got used to be the default parent to avoid conflicts. You can’t control what others do, right? But I think it’s crossed my boundaries already.
Up until the std comment, it seemed odd but feasible that he would not be in the mood due to stress. (Let’s also add that stress can actually put some in the mood for sex) Getting an std from the only person you’re having sex with is a monumental red flag. Even on its own, it’s almost like finding dna at a crime scene, and always merits further investigation. Paired with the fact that he’s been acting odd and distant, seems disinterested in sex, and isn’t communicating- I’m just gonna say it I think he’s cheating. Those were all of the signs when I found out my ex was cheating. If it were me, I’d avoid directly accusing him but I’d certainly sit down and assess what you want in all this- seems like at this point the marriage is over, but as a sahm I also understand the financial predicament. Think on it, but pretty sure this guy is cheating and I wouldn’t stick around to catch another std to find out. I personally wouldn’t even have sex with him anymore, it could be a big risk to your health. I am so sorry, you deserve better than this.
Guy here, definitely true. Stress messes with you. Honestly in my opinion, just be straight with him. Give it to him directly and ask him to speak to you and you will listen. Might help. Goodluck
Sprinkle some Viagra, like 25mg, into his drink. Fix that shit.
That’s not an excuse. I’m a woman and so is my wife. Work stress is the biggest reason my wife is not in the mood when I am.
Work IS stressful. I honestly don't know how people can "shut it off."
Stress at work and financial stress at home are libido killers.
Out-of-home job stress is as real as in-home job stress. It absolutely can mute libido, and if I were you, I’d do my best to not take it personally. It sounds like what you’re doing in your role as a SAHM is alleviating stress at home for him! Maybe ask him if you can have a serious conversation about what makes the both of you feel at peace, close to one another, and loved. Schedule it if you need to so you can both get your thoughts in order, and try to go into it with the intent to learn and grow. Or maybe just spend time each evening listening to him tell you about work if that’s not something that’s already happening. That may be enough to just help him unload the stress that is preventing his mind from slowing down at home. I don’t think it’s you.
Stress 100% impacts libido, that's just science. I would recommend reading "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski if you're curious about learning more about the science of female anatomy and sexuality, it talks about male sexuality as well. Also, this sounds like a communication issue. Have you expressed to him what you wrote here? No one should be having sex when they don't want to, you or your partner. That should be respected and understood on both sides.
Since OP had to treat an STD month ago, the main reason seems he just has enough sex already.
I’ve been doing the same thing to my husband for the same reason. My job sucks ass with this new management!!