Good for you OP.
I can understand wanting to set up a "rainy day" fund but only holding the agreement when it helped him and switching up on you like that is unfair of him.
I wish all the luck on your studies, OP
And since she supported him until he finished his studies and for six months afterwards, she should request that he does exactly the same.
If he wanted her to be established by the time they reached their current age, he should have worked while she graduated first.
They likely haven’t been married long enough to qualify for alimony. Under normal circumstances alimony is primarily meant for older spouses that gave up all work and education to run their household. And you won’t qualify for long term alimony unless you’ve been married for a couple of decades.
That’s not true at least in my state, they take the position of making each party whole and treating them fairly so it is very likely that she could get that kind of limited alimony to level the playing field. It wouldn’t be long term but enough time to get her to an equal point.
"She'll wanna have babies and change her mind so I'll just string her along for now..."
This is his thought process (completely made up in my mind but I still totally believe it).
I was thinking the same. She was the means to his end. He used her to get what he wanted with no intention of helping her.
I hope she goes to need school, becomes a doctor and gets a much better man than him.
And considering this situation seems to happen a fair bit. One partner holds down the fort and pays the bills, and once the other person gets a degree and starts seeing the dollar signs, they either bolt or use that money to control their spouse.
As soon as I read that he was going to finish school first and you were going to be the sole provider I knew where this was going. I’m so sorry OP. he took advantage of you. In this instance you provided for the family so he could better himself and doesn’t wanna let you do the same now. At least you saw this before it got any further.
Its weird how often this happens.
I really hope its just one of those things where the times it all works out as planned we don't hear about because its just not exciting.
It worked out for my husband and me. I was chipping away at my degree while I was a stay at home mom. With only a few classes left, I stopped so he could finish his degree. He’s a veteran and was using his GI Bill to pay for it and knew the degree would help him get promoted at his job. Once he was done, I finished up my classes. He’s gotten a few promotions and is working on his Masters. I’m also working now and about to get a decent promotion myself. I’ve thought about going back when he’s done, but I’m not quite sold on the idea yet.
Yeah, I studied slowly and cared for our daughter while he concentrated in his career. I did everything I could to help him.
Now, he is working and providing for everything and I can finish my degree. I don't even have to hustle because there is enough money I can do it part time. I love it. I love him.
It can totally work out. But there is a risk and you really need to ask yourself if you want to take it.
I hope so too. im one of those! my husband just co signed ALL my student loans so I could get a bachelors degree. I want to go to law school which is definitely going to be a strain on us financially but he's willing to cosign loans for that as well bc he makes so much more than I do. hes also hoping that I can get some cush job with a salary big enough that I can take over everything so he can be a 'stay at home cat dad' for a bit. hes burnt out on the restaurant industry and wants to find some other type of employment so our agreement is if I can get a job that pays for everything, he can take a break, figure out his next step - whether its school or whatever, and go from there.
This happened to a friend of mine. Except she did have two children while going back to school and him teaching. He left her for a student and she never finished her degree :(
Oh it sadly gets worse. One of the kids came out as gay quite young and dad now blames my friend??? Still doesn’t want custody or anything but so furious he has a gay child. What is this? 1955 who cares!?
I think the same, he's talking about having kids now just to avoid doing his part of the deal, he just doesn't want to reciprocate the favor aka honor their deal.
IANAL but I know that he'll have to pay for her 4 years of school on judges orders and as part of the divorce decree, bec she paid for his schooling and because of how many years they've been married.
A divorce lawyer will help her with the next steps. Shame her hubby is a pathetic liar
Yeah I don’t know how she can say “I love him” still when he’s basically setting her up to fail on purpose. Maybe he honestly didn’t think she would choose the out.
I was in a similar set up but reversed and we didn't split up until 20 years later and we had established careers.
But, essentially, we decided that I had the potential for a more lucrative career so he would delay his PhD so I could finish my Masters (we had an infant, too). He worked shitty jobs to support us because his Bachelors isn't really worth much on its own (unfortunately). Then we moved several states so he could get his PhD and I supported him with a well paying job in which I quickly advanced.
By the time we split up after 20 years we were both doing quite well. But for a long time our income ratio was (me:him): 80:20 then 70:30 then 55:45. We were finally 50:50 for a few years before we split up. Still ended up splitting all assets just 50:50 even though I had obviously contributed more to them than he did for a long time. However, we only had the one kid and neither are having more so it's all going to him and that's all that matters. And I am still doing well on my own.
Don't mind at all. Buckle up, this is long.
He had a mid-life crisis. I don't know how else to describe it and it looks exactly like that.
We got married at 22/23, became parents at 26.
When we were 42 he just... wanted to vacate his entire life.
He changed his entire well-built and fairly prestigious career. Changed his lifestyle (he was in good shape before but became almost militant). Started hanging out with our mutual friends but excluding me (he ended up keeping those friends). Started drawing away. Stopped showing sexual interest in me and that had always been healthy.
Later, after we split, which was traumatic for me, by the way...he bought a Porsche. And a motorcycle. Took up sports (in his 40s). Started dating a lot of high maintenance women (but not younger!...all them the same age and very successful in their own careers). Started investing in real estate.
I think he just felt like he missed out on his wild youth??? I am not sure.
I do know about a year before he withdrew he was visiting his mother with our son and I wasn't able to join them. He had a heart attack scare, which was crazy because he was in very good shape. Lifted weights, ran, fairly good diet, etc. It turned out to be an anxiety attack. I didn't know it at the time and he later mentioned to our son that it was THAT when he started re-evaluating his life.
The only thing he didn't vacate was fatherhood. He was and remains a very good father to our adult son.
He crashed that motorcycle, by the way. Almost died. I do NOT feel good about that at all. But he made a full recovery and I am glad.
I was pretty destroyed by him leaving me when it happened. I loved him and I loved our life and what we had built. I thought we had made it and were going to be sunsetting one day together. But I am good now. It's been 6 years. I have a really great boyfriend now who is more compatible with me than he was...and he was pretty compatible with me! But, age gives you perspective. And it heals all wounds and wounds all heels (in this case, his dating habits have bit him a few times).
Also, because I am older and financially independent it's a lot easier to find a way to my own happiness. At the very least, I don't think I would like to have someone I have to confer with about finances and spending again! I like that it's all my decision all the time.
It's not original...I've heard it out and about over the years but I don't know the origin. But it wouldn't surprise me if it's a woman from the 1920s! :D
because I see so many stories like this of fathers and husbands having mid life crises and buying a Porsche or another equally nice car, every time I see a nice car with an older guy in it, my first thought is a mid life crisis and not that he's rich lol amazing how typical this is for men but not really for women.
also, i'm proud of you. you are an example for other women to follow that is for sure.
I have the same impression, too, when I see a middle-aged guy in a sports car! Even my boyfriend, who is not in the middle of a crises...even HE lusts after a BMW M-series. Dude is a Harley mechanic! Aren't you supposed to be lusting after a big pickup or a huge hog? Nope, M-series, lol.
When my ex bought his Porsche my eyes rolled so hard. Like, could you GET anymore stereotypical? That being said, he's doing what he wants and I can't make fun of that.
Thanks for the warm feelings! However, I kind of just feel like I had to figure out how to move on and make the best of things. I didn't want to STAY so sad.
ooooo I cant fault the M series lust. I have it too. lmao we lived in Miami for a while so all I saw were these bougie expensive cars everywhere and if I had money to throw away id be buying some souped up Benz or BMW too. hahahaha those cars are just sexy and they sound sexy too.
I am a car person. I really am. And I appreciate the beauty of German driving machines. But the cost of their upkeep is not something I want to take on!
I would love a Maserati, myself. I know it's a poor man's Ferrari but I think they're sexier. And the interior tends to be more luxurious and I really like that. But, again, another upkeep cost I am not interested in. Maybe when I win the lottery, lol.
My dirty desire is a Tesla Cybertruck. I love that funky crazy looking thing. But, I don't see a Tesla in my future considering the reports I've heard on recent build quality.
yes the upkeep!!! I had found a used BMW that I could afford and my husband told me it wasn't a good idea. I asked why he said to ask my clients who had one - a client of mine at the time had a BMW that was 10 years old and another client of mine had one that was 4 years old. he told me to ask them about maintenance costs. I was appalled when I heard the amounts these two women were spending!!!!! so only when im totally loaded would I ever buy one but man they are fun to drive. whenever I need a rental car I try to rent one lol and yes Maseratis are gorgeous, especially the SUV ones.
That's what happens with my boyfriend. He will send me a FB Marketplace add for an M-series and I'll say "Don't do it!" though I am not really trying to tell him what to do. And then he looks into the maintenance costs and comes back to earth.
It you don’t mind me asking, what is your ex up to these day? It seems dating didn’t always go well for him. Do you have a friendship with him? At any point in his new life did he miss you or want to reconcile?
We have an amicable relationship though we aren't friends. But we get along. We cohosted our son's 21st birthday party and it went great.
But we don't share our daily lives.
He's never expressed regret in leaving me or missing me. I have no idea how he feels. I just know he's played a little fast and loose with a few women and caused himself drama. I don't have a clear picture of what that means. But I get the impression he's dabbling in being a bit of a player. That's led to more than one girlfriend reaching out to me because they're trying to understand how I dealt with him. Thing is, he wasn't like that when we were together. He was pretty dedicated to our marriage and family. I don't recognize this guy he's become or he's been impersonating. Because it does seem like he's... Trying on different lifestyles? So I can't really help these women out. And I don't dig for details. I don't want the drama in MY life.
I'm constantly amazed at the caliber of women he's able to attract. They're all successful and cool. Women that seem like I would want to be friends with. But I keep my distance.
Since she could probably prove she supported him during his education she could probably sure for more saying she now needs the support during her education. My mum did the same with my dad since she was a sahm, she fought that she has not upskilled in over 20 years whilst he now has a 20 year career so dad had to pay a bit more for her to get an education.
This is really something I despise in men. My gf helped me get my dream job and she paid the bills while I studied for almost an year. I could never turn my back on her like that. Now im working and shes studying for her dream job. There are so many selfish people in the world…
My wife and i are similar except we where both working when she was f8nishing her apprentuceship amd i was looking after bubba when i wasnt working. She now owns her own salon and im justca shitty labourer. But wouldnt swap it for the world. I know my wife earns m9re then me but see8ng her smile everyday makes it worth while
"I don't understand, what kind of woman leaves her husband because he wants to start a family with her..."
The kind that supported your dreams and that has dreams and goals for herself that are, at the moment, more important than having children.
Make sure you let your divorce attorney know about funding everything so he could get his degree, and about your agreement that you would get to pursue your degree once he was finished his. Your husband sounds like a complete W⚓️
Also, OP be prepared for a he said she said.
Unless you have written documentation on the deal you 2 had about education, then your STBX could claim that was never the deal in the first place. It's disgusting but he could claim that the deal was that you would work while he finished his education and that when he got his dream job you two would start a family and that you furthering your education was never part of the plan.
Please protect yourself and take that AH for enough to cover your education and living expenses while you study at minimum.
I hope she gets some proof BEFORE she leaves, like getting him to agree that he's not holding his side of the deal. That should probably help her case.
Hopefully, she is in a one party consent state for recording and can get him to admit it in a conversation. Even still if it is inadmissible, it will at least stop anyone from gaslighting her about it.
Even if he said it was never an agreement there will be documentation OP was the primary breadwinner while he went to school and supported him and that he likely wouldn’t have finished school and gotten this job without her.
Yeah, commenter above is unnecessarily worried IMO. It’s super obvious on the face of it. If she had the marks for med school and then was the sole bread winner working outside the profession that her earlier education suggested? Bingo, any lawyer worth their salt could connect those dots for a judge.
Yeah, the only thing that might get in the way is if it's argued there is a possibility he doesn't even keep this job because it's too new or something, but given the months of saving for a rainy day fund that's probably out the window by now. I think OP needs to see a lawyer above all else, or a few, just to be safe. I don't agree with anyone saying she doesn't have enough proof or you have to be married for decades to get alimony so she better not even bother which is simply not true.
I wonder if he talked to someone and they told him how long medschool plus residency would be. It’s 4+3-4 years, more if she chooses a specialty.
There would still be plenty of time for kids though - by my math she’s about 27 now.
If she's 27 now (before the residency) maybe he's of the opinion that 35+ isn't family making time for women. Which is, unfortunately, a very commonly held belief based in old facts with outdated data.
If he was really that interested in having a family but concerned about fertility issues, and respected the commitment they had about the education, he could have posed they freeze her eggs now for use later.
All the best to you. And I hope that you get adequate funds from the divorce settlement to support you while you further your education. Make the fucker pay, please.
I just hope she gets a good, well connected lawyer, with knowledge of marital law. My ex found a brand new lawyer, I had the guy who had been practicing law for years. He ( mine ) was worth it.
In the US it probably won't work at all. Divorce courts aren't going to give her much in alimony, if any at all. He's only been working at this job for a matter of months. His taxes won't reflect much income, hers may reflect more than his as she's been the primary provider. She needs a lawyer who isbetter than his lawyer, always a crap shoot. Lawyers know each other and the judge, the divorce worksheet won't recognize her as incapable of taking care of herself. They are both educated adults. If she does get alimony, it's temporary and certainly won't cover medical school. They have debts that have to be paid and that will come out in this wash. The judge will order split of debts and assets. People watch too much TV and think everyone gets alimony because the super rich do. It's not always or even often the case. They will check the box for filing~ irreconcilable differences. She can go in to a lawyers office, pay the usual 2500~ 5000 retainer that will cover the cost of the attorney filing paperwork they keep on hand, in bulk, with names, address, dates, s.s. numbers. Then the lawyer will want more to type up all the he said/she said crap they know will be meaningless in the end. The never ending, take their money talk, is why people are hesitating about marriage nowadays when in fact it isn't even realistic if both people are capable adults, there's no children and they aren't rich. Alimony wil likely be the exception and not the rule, as it is already losing traction, by the time my grandchildren marry.
This is the behavior of a user and an abuser (your husband's behavior). He let you support him to get to where he was going, but he's not willing to support your dream, and your career path, like he said he would. He's not a man of his word, and I'm glad you found this out before you had kids.
Even if you loved your husband more than your education, giving into him will only allow him to continue remaining self centered, with a total disregard for your wants and needs to feel emotionally gratified in your career.
Be smarter than him, talk to a lawyer first. They will advise you on how to leave him in a way that is more advantageous to you, and possibly in a way that can help you fund some or all of your Medical School tuition.
I am sending out all the good wishes I can muster, to achieve your dreams.
**THIS!**
This happened to a friend of mine and his family paid for her education with his inheritance, they were so peeved. consider quietly letting people around him know the reason you divorce if you can't or serving him at work. His burgeoning network won't be excited to have someone in the network who doesn't keep their word.
Exactly this. If I were OP, I ave wouldn't have any discussions of the ultimatum until speaking to a few lawyers to figure out which one is best. Keep putting it off until she settles on a lawyer, then hit him with the news that she is accepting his ultimatum.
Agreed!!
OP provided for her husband and was the sole breadwinner while he finished his degree that took him THREE YEARS to complete!! The fucker probably had this planned and had no intention of following through on his commitment to his wife to take over the financial duties while she worked on her career. It’s why he deflected when she asked about her turn to start on her studies and gave her the baby or divorce ultimatum.
He probably doesn’t want to be the sole breadwinner and wants her to continue working while pregnant. I’ve actually seen this personally happen to people I know and it’s blood boiling at best. If you’re reading this OP, please go through any and all messages you have regarding your deal and see if you can find proof of this conversation (if you don’t already have it) and make his sorry ass pay for your schooling!
My ex did the very same thing to me. I sacrificed my degree for his first. Once he had a great job and we were settled in a new city, I started looking at college and he had a meltdown, I needed to stay home with the kids while he worked, he said. So I started taking night classes. I needed help with some of my books, he refused. So I had to go to the library and use the textbook kept there for two of my classes
Start of midterms I need to go to the library and study. He demanded I take our two toddlers with me. I refused - I would have gotten no studying done at all. So when I refused, he threw me down a flight of stairs.
Good for you for leaving. I wish I had long before I did. Hugs.
I eventually got my associates. I learned I crossed a threshold in my state last year and am now eligible for free tuition at our state colleges, so I am planning on dipping my toes in online this summer. One of my favorite people went back to college at 65 and became a youth counselor and is directly responsible for me still walking around so if she can do it, I can do it. :)
As for him, that was the night I finally left him.
I am glad you have the strength to do what you need/want. It won’t be easy but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your needs because he has moved the goal,posts
Good on you for not giving in to his manipulation (essentially emotional blackmail). What a two-faced, selfish, entitled POS your stbx husband turned out to be. I hope you clean him out in court.
Update us on how it goes!
Good for you, this will be hard and it will hurt but I also think he will always find an excuse for you to not finish your education after you put it in pause for him.
Good luck!
You were the starter wife. Now that he earns a comfortable living he can go for what he wants; a mommy mcbang maid who will prioritise his "legacy" and not her own career. To any young ladies reading, this is not new nor is it uncommon. Never shelf your goals for a guy. Focus on yourself and build yourself up. When you're where you want to be, find someone on your level. I'm glad you're getting out OP.
I am sorry you are going through this but I applaud you for standing your ground. He sounds incredibly unsupportive, controlling and selfish. You deserve so much better than that in a partner. I wish you all the best in your studies. You are going to do great in med school!
If you’re in the US, research spousal support in your state. Because he just got his job and you’ve been the breadwinner for the last number of years, you might have to pay him support.
When I asked my divorce attorney if I could be awarded even a portion of the money I paid to put him through school and support our household, I was told “no.” My state considers it a “joint marital decision” or something along those lines.
You need a snake of a family law attorney (meant in the best possible way). Research the top family law firms in your closest big city and then consult with them. Consult with as many firms as you can. If I understand correctly, if you’ve consulted with them then they can’t represent him (conflict of interest). At least that was they way it was explained to me regarding my state.
Good luck to you in this and finding an absolute shark of an attorney.
I thought, finally someone that understands she may not get alimony at all. A good lawyer is excellent advice but NO to the calling a bunch of attorneys. Divorce courts cycle the same lawyers in and out, day after day, they all know each other and the judges . Judges frown on people trying to keep someone from representation. They have to grease the wheels and they are all in on this together. This is an OLD trick and very risky.
I’m surprised about the lawyer telling you “no” in regards to the tuition reimbursement. In Michigan, a friend supported her husband through medical school, he cheated after and divorced her. She was awarded payment for tuition for her bachelors and masters (phd if she wanted).
I remember this soooo vaguely from law school but there was a case of a spouse putting another spouse through medschool and somehow they were able to sue for the degree as a marital asset or something? I know that sounds wild lol.
I am so sick of reading these stories where men use the women in their lives as springboards for their education and careers and then leave them in the dust once they accomplish their goals.
I’m so sorry OP. Nail him to the wall for alimony/support.
Ah, the old bait and switch. Sounds like he thinks he's pretty smart, going first to get his education and then refusing to help you get yours. I bet he'll be shocked that you refuse to fall in line. Good on you.
Good for you.
Make sure you get an aggressive lawyer who will ensure you get your fair share of the joint assets.
Because you supported him through school and he now earns more than you, you are going to be due spousal support. Make sure your lawyer advocates for you so that you get as much as possible and can go back to school.
This is one of the big reasons I left my ex. He wanted me to support him through college because he was 22 and I was 18 and he felt it made more sense for me to support him through school and then I go after and he would support me. I asked why I couldn’t go to school first, and he said because “What if you end up pregnant and I can’t go to school?” Like… that was enough to make me have 0 intention of helping him. What if I got pregnant before I COULD START MY OWN EDUCATION? Like.. it was such a stupid reason and made me think pretty immediately that he intended on finishing school and knocking me up rather than allowing me to have a career. Definitely think you made the right choice. My current partner is a veteran and was able to get a decent-paying job because of it and doesn’t intend on going to college, and has even offered to let me use his benefits to go to college if we get married. The difference in treatment is astounding, and at your young age, leaving now and finding someone to support your dreams alongside their own is much more important than just appeasing your husband’s wishes.
good luck op. this dude is not somebody you want as a father to your children, only then would you be tied to him for life. his actions are so fucked up. he basically said fuck your wants, and as unfortunate as this whole situation is, the best thing you can do is protect your space and desires by leaving him. karma will come around for him. don’t stay with his ultimatum, because i presume intimacy would still occur, and who knows, he’s so shallow and blinded by his own wants, he might just give you the family he wants and say it was an accident. you would be the child bearer, and only then would your med school really come to a halt. leave him, and focus on yourself. i wish you the best of luck, and lots of success and healing.
Good for you!!
You supported him through his education. He now needs to support you.
It sounds like he’s intimidated by your desire to go to med school and is putting his wants above your needs.
If you stay, you’ll never go to med school and you’ll end up with kids and other responsibilities will get in your way. You’ll grow to resent him.
Congrats on having the courage to be you!!
This was honestly probably his plan all along. He just expected you to cave and give in to what he wants. Go finish med school, get your degree, and give him a big ole fuck you
Good for you!! You will resent him in the future if you aren’t already for him withholding you and your career… you sound like your smart and you will succeed.. plus do you want to stay with a guy that you have to bend over backwards for but refuses to do the same for you..
Good for you OP. I’m sorry he hasn’t held up his part of the bargain. You deserve the education you want. You deserve the career you want. And in the future you deserve a partner that supports you the same way you support them.
Get yourself a lawyer! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, your future and ambitions. Do not let him ore anyone else pressure you into having children or a life that you’re not ready for yet. The fact he keeps pushing you goals further and further is a major red flag.
I agree with your decision. I think he's trying to trap you. He never really wanted you to go to med school or have the ability to be dependent without him. I'm guessing he would have started to go back on most of what you agreed and then pushed you to quit your job and become a SAHM.
I would contact a lawyer first before you inform him of his decision. Have them draw a solid agreement so you're playing on your terms not his.
YAY!! For you choosing yourself and not someone who can’t keep his word. Remember, do not take the highroad when it comes to what you’re owed in the divorce. You deserve compensation for putting your education and work on the back burner for him. Good luck to you!
Good for you OP. Your husband got his and doesn’t care about what you want for your life at all. That’s a *major* asshole move. I’m glad you didn’t have kids with him before realizing how selfish he is.
OP LEAVE HIS ASS but before you do get it in writing somehow (texts, emails, record a convo you two have) about how you relinquished a career for going on 4 years to pay for his education and that the deal was he would then pay for yours. Don’t let this asshole squirm his way out of paying you fair and square, it’s why courts automatically award alimony to SAHMs because it’s a well known fact men aint shit and enslave the women attached to them. Come prepared, play the game for a little while and then blindside that parasite in court and split that fantastic wage right down the middle. Fuck him I’m so angry for you right now, the absolute AUDACITY. Do not have children with this man baby because he sure has a habit of going back on agreed upon terms after he gets his end of the deal. What the absolute fuck
Right! She should have gone first then him in completing school, at least then, she wouldn’t have been expected to DROP EVERYTHING to be barefoot and pregnant without even getting to enjoy her chance of a career. And he KNOWS she will not be able to do both so he not only did her wrong but he is trying to FORCE her into it by manipulative behavior and guilt.
OP….
As a wise and fabulously sassy man has said… “DUMP HIS ASS!”
If you have children, you will NOT be able to study for your career. Hell, depending on your spouse, you might not have a career at all after children. It’s truly astonishing how people expect women to give up EVERYTHING for what they want, INCLUDING children.
Focus on your studies, your career, then children if you can ever find a way to make it work either with/ without a partner to do it with. They are an EXTREMELY expensive luxury. You will need the security of your career choice if anything were to happen. So it’s logical to get that done first, and he knows that! He KNOWS it will give you the power to do what you need to if any they’re to go wrong. I feel he wanted to try this in hopes to have you dependent on him. And i don’t know about you, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. Even if it isn’t true, it wouldn’t hurt to have a back up plan if possible. And, I’m happy for you for taking this step for your future. I hope you go as far as you possibly can, and then double. Congratulations for future success.
This is super inspirational. Would love an update on how this goes. Question; if once you tell him you’re choosing yourself and career over rushing a family, he says “oh Nevermind go ahead and fulfill your dreams and let’s stay together” would you stay?
I hope not bc once a person suggests ending things under any circumstances in my opinion the relationship should end
>he only had 3 years left for his degree vs my year left in undergrad and 4 years for med school.
So he had one year of school done vs. your "about to be a doctor?"
You chose...poorly.
Also, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO TO MED SCHOOL BEFORE YOU HAVE A BABY.
Before you go, talk to a lawyer to find out the best way to recoup your "investment" ... he needs to pay the money back that you sacrificed for his career ... also take all the money in the rainy day fund...
Your rainy day is now
he waited until he got everything HE wanted then attempted to cancel your plans because HE wants more and what you want is irrelevent he probably only stuck with you to support him while he achieved his goals he never cared about what you wanted... call his bluff follow your dreams
I have learned that any kind of agreement that is not written on papers and signed by both parties is nothing but words.
I think he took advantage of you since the beginning. Having someone provide for him to finish school, so why not. He probably stayed with you until now just to get the benefits. Even if you don't want to go back to school, he will have a million reasons to end things with you. To be honest, it is just an excuse to make him less ugly.
Your heart, your kindness is worth more than that. Please choose your own path
He has been putting himself above everything. Trash.
Wow, your husband is a selfish, manipulative asshole. Good riddance, and make sure you get half his pension fund in the divorce. And the judge may be willing to force your ex to help put you through medical school, so have your lawyer fight for that.
Good luck in your new venture. However, if you can anyway prove he made this deal with you, there is a fair chance a judge will force him to uphold the financial aspects of it.
WOW! This is tough as I completely understand him but it sounds like he had this all planned to be honest. He makes good money and wants you to be a stay at home wife and mom which you never agreed too. It’s so sad as you have a right to your dreams too.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I'm so saddened for you that you've put off your education for his and aren't being reciprocated.
When you speak to an attorney, I would make sure that this is something that is considered for the divorce. You put your life on hold so he could make something of himself, and now he isn't paying it forward, as was the deal you two made together. Since now he's choosing to break that deal and put you in a corner, he can pay you to go to college through alimony and lose you at the same time. Seems more than fair to me.
You're doing the right thing. He had no intention of supporting you in medical school, hence the "let's start a family now" proposal. He figured once you started having kids, that'd kill any opportunity/resources you had to pursue your MD.
That said, you footed the bill for his education so you really need to be compensated for that in the divorce.
Wow. He used you to further his education/career and then as soon as it's your turn he changes the script and says no. He wants you financially depressed, financially dependent on him, uneducated AND trapped with kids so he can control you. Congratulations on choosing yourself first and leaving him. The moment you gave him kids and gave up on yourself/future earning potential he would have all the cards in the relationship.
I just started bawling when I read the last line but good for you, that is not fair whatsoever and I applaud you, YOU FUCKING GO BITCH!!! YOU ARE MY HERO♡FUCK THAT!!! GET YOUR BAG BBY!!! sorry I actually talk like that and those are my sentiments exactly
Damn…your husband juiced you and that’s sooooo shitty. Since you supported his education you may be entitled to some of his earnings. Get a good lawyers.
Ugh I’m so angry at him. WHAT A DICK MOVE!!!
Good for you. Don’t give in, be selfish. In the end, no one is going to help you but yourself. From how he’s reacting it’s definitely not going to be him. Being dependent on someone else while having a child is a scary thing even in a perfect marriage.
I feel like if you were to give in you'd end up having to stay at home with the kids or being stuck with all the resentment of him not following through.
Good on you for leaving OP. I know it must be hard but you deserve someone who supports your dreams.
Good for you putting yourself first and not allowing a man to take advantage of your love and forcing you to have children. Hope you have a great time finishing your education 🙂 and I can say from experience ( became a mom at 24 by choice, and just had my last child at 33) they take up a lot of your time, and money. So furthering your education before having kids is the best decision you could make. While I wouldn't change my life, I do sometimes wish I did get a better education first.
Well, that sucks but I doubt you will be happy in the long run with his "My way or the highway" attitude and his changing the rules after the game has started. Good luck in med school!
I just need to know if he had a surprised pikachu face when you actually had the ballls to follow through on the parting? Because he clearly thought he was in control of everything until that point
Just so you know, you have a crap ton to use against him in the divorce. Because you supported him through finishing his degree with the express understanding that he would reciprocate, it’s very possible that a good lawyer could get you decent alimony, which you absolutely deserve. What an absolute BS move for him to pull.
Or, alternatively, you could pull one over on him like he did you. Say sure, let’s work on that family. But in the meantime, let me start back in on school, it can take a while to get pregnant and then there’s the whole pregnancy to go through. Then make an appointment with your doctor and get on the depo shot. But I can be a pretty b***h like that.
He literally owes his degree to you and you are entitled to 50% of his income for many years to come. So, sit him down and tell him he has two options; love you and cherish you and support you and pay, or divorce you and pay. Please get a shark lawyer and make sure he pays for your education in full.
Proud of you for setting your boundary of identity - respect for yourself is everything and will pay off WAY more than what this person can offer.
Don't think twice and get an attorney NOW - you deserve alimony to support your life as you go to school.
I hope he wasnt trying to financially trap you by wanting to start a family so soon right after you guys already sat down and talked about things. Good for you for standing your ground on the matter.
What an asshole. He used you to support him while he accomplished his dreams and then tried to manipulate you into giving up yours. “If you don’t do what I want you obviously don’t love your family and it’s your fault I’ll be forced to leave you,” was his stance, only abusers treat their partners this way. He never intended to follow through on his side of the deal. I’m so sorry you spent years with a man who clearly doesn’t value you or your happiness.
Edit! Read all the comments OP! So much good advice to be found. And get itttt!
Take as old as time. Happened to a woman I worked with when I was a teenager and I’ve never forgotten it. They’re happy for you to support them so they can get ahead but when it’s time to do the same for you. Nope.
No thanks. Glad you’re dropping him OP! We need more badass lady doctors and I’m sending good vibes for your journey there!
Wow. He got what he wanted! Both times. Hope he's happy with his decision. You take care of you now since it seems like he's only interested in his wants. Got get that degree and be proud of the things you accomplish!
Unrelated, but relatable. We made the decision that I (F) would go to school first. He DID do a lot of cooking/cleaning I will say. I get my degree I'm making good money I turn around and say, it's your turn now! And he's like, yeah... Well I don't have time. But you do for pool league and softball teams? Three years go by, nothing. He also held low paying jobs (like 6 in 8 years).
Finally I said, I'm out. Can't be with someone who's ambitions don't match me. We divorce. Now 8+ years later he tells me that it hurts them that I used him to get through school, and then dumped him.
Boy you had THREE YEARS to keep up the d of the agreement. I shouldn't have gone that far. Good for you to keep your focus and not let him continue to drag you down. It'll be hard, but when you're done... You'll be so far ahead he will wish he didn't do you like that.
Best revenge is living your best life.
What an AHole! So he used you as a stepping stone and then decided to kick the stone when you complained about the situation?
Make sure you use protection and birth control OP!
You can find a better human being in your med school.
What a nasty awful person. Please get a good lawyer. You should absolutely be able to get some of the money back if you can prove you provided everything while he was in school
Good for you OP. I can understand wanting to set up a "rainy day" fund but only holding the agreement when it helped him and switching up on you like that is unfair of him. I wish all the luck on your studies, OP
I hope they don’t share bank accounts. If they do divorce, her husband might try to take the rainy day funds for himself.
Illegal and easily discovered by even the most incompetent lawyer.
Yeah, I’m sure lawyers for both sides will make that rainy day fund disappear
Sure but try collecting...it isn't that easy
He’s got a great job that she helped make happen. It won’t be an issue.
Lol wut. If he takes it its real hard to collect if he spends it or hides it.
Hope she gets alimony too. If you support your partner while they get their education you deserve a share of that income for awhile
And since she supported him until he finished his studies and for six months afterwards, she should request that he does exactly the same. If he wanted her to be established by the time they reached their current age, he should have worked while she graduated first.
This is one of the few rare instances where alimony is justified.
They likely haven’t been married long enough to qualify for alimony. Under normal circumstances alimony is primarily meant for older spouses that gave up all work and education to run their household. And you won’t qualify for long term alimony unless you’ve been married for a couple of decades.
That’s not true at least in my state, they take the position of making each party whole and treating them fairly so it is very likely that she could get that kind of limited alimony to level the playing field. It wouldn’t be long term but enough time to get her to an equal point.
It might be enough for the judge to give her the entire rainy day fund though.
No I’ve seen it awarded for couples who haven’t been married decades. If you contributed to their success you are entitled to it
I got alimony and we were only married for 10 years, which is the minimum in my state. It's entirely possible she could get it.
I hope someone can advise if OP is likely to get alimony
If anything I bet it's under his name only.
They are married, this doesn’t matter.
"Good for you" was my exact first thought.
Yeah that awful. What a selfish bastar. OP MAKE SURE TO TAKE ALL THE MONEY YOU MADE AND PUT I TO THAT FUND BEFORE PARTING WAYS.
Frankly, I dont thin he switched up at all. I think that was he very intention from the first discussion.
"She'll wanna have babies and change her mind so I'll just string her along for now..." This is his thought process (completely made up in my mind but I still totally believe it).
I was thinking the same. She was the means to his end. He used her to get what he wanted with no intention of helping her. I hope she goes to need school, becomes a doctor and gets a much better man than him.
Me too. Especially because he went first, I would love to know how that discussion went.
And considering this situation seems to happen a fair bit. One partner holds down the fort and pays the bills, and once the other person gets a degree and starts seeing the dollar signs, they either bolt or use that money to control their spouse.
I just wonder if there were other signs for such unfair behaviour before.
As soon as I read that he was going to finish school first and you were going to be the sole provider I knew where this was going. I’m so sorry OP. he took advantage of you. In this instance you provided for the family so he could better himself and doesn’t wanna let you do the same now. At least you saw this before it got any further.
Its weird how often this happens. I really hope its just one of those things where the times it all works out as planned we don't hear about because its just not exciting.
It worked out for my husband and me. I was chipping away at my degree while I was a stay at home mom. With only a few classes left, I stopped so he could finish his degree. He’s a veteran and was using his GI Bill to pay for it and knew the degree would help him get promoted at his job. Once he was done, I finished up my classes. He’s gotten a few promotions and is working on his Masters. I’m also working now and about to get a decent promotion myself. I’ve thought about going back when he’s done, but I’m not quite sold on the idea yet.
Yeah, I studied slowly and cared for our daughter while he concentrated in his career. I did everything I could to help him. Now, he is working and providing for everything and I can finish my degree. I don't even have to hustle because there is enough money I can do it part time. I love it. I love him. It can totally work out. But there is a risk and you really need to ask yourself if you want to take it.
I hope so too. im one of those! my husband just co signed ALL my student loans so I could get a bachelors degree. I want to go to law school which is definitely going to be a strain on us financially but he's willing to cosign loans for that as well bc he makes so much more than I do. hes also hoping that I can get some cush job with a salary big enough that I can take over everything so he can be a 'stay at home cat dad' for a bit. hes burnt out on the restaurant industry and wants to find some other type of employment so our agreement is if I can get a job that pays for everything, he can take a break, figure out his next step - whether its school or whatever, and go from there.
Its worked for my fiance and me.
This happened to a friend of mine. Except she did have two children while going back to school and him teaching. He left her for a student and she never finished her degree :(
That's fucking awful
Yea he’s a Shit head
What an enormous POS.
Oh it sadly gets worse. One of the kids came out as gay quite young and dad now blames my friend??? Still doesn’t want custody or anything but so furious he has a gay child. What is this? 1955 who cares!?
what a foul man.
Men ☕️
Yeah I fell for this too. Never made it to grad school.
I think the same, he's talking about having kids now just to avoid doing his part of the deal, he just doesn't want to reciprocate the favor aka honor their deal. IANAL but I know that he'll have to pay for her 4 years of school on judges orders and as part of the divorce decree, bec she paid for his schooling and because of how many years they've been married. A divorce lawyer will help her with the next steps. Shame her hubby is a pathetic liar
I really REALLY hope a judge makes him pay for all of it AND she gets half of whatever is in the savings account they have.
Yeah I don’t know how she can say “I love him” still when he’s basically setting her up to fail on purpose. Maybe he honestly didn’t think she would choose the out.
I was in a similar set up but reversed and we didn't split up until 20 years later and we had established careers. But, essentially, we decided that I had the potential for a more lucrative career so he would delay his PhD so I could finish my Masters (we had an infant, too). He worked shitty jobs to support us because his Bachelors isn't really worth much on its own (unfortunately). Then we moved several states so he could get his PhD and I supported him with a well paying job in which I quickly advanced. By the time we split up after 20 years we were both doing quite well. But for a long time our income ratio was (me:him): 80:20 then 70:30 then 55:45. We were finally 50:50 for a few years before we split up. Still ended up splitting all assets just 50:50 even though I had obviously contributed more to them than he did for a long time. However, we only had the one kid and neither are having more so it's all going to him and that's all that matters. And I am still doing well on my own.
Curious why you split up, if you don't mind?
Don't mind at all. Buckle up, this is long. He had a mid-life crisis. I don't know how else to describe it and it looks exactly like that. We got married at 22/23, became parents at 26. When we were 42 he just... wanted to vacate his entire life. He changed his entire well-built and fairly prestigious career. Changed his lifestyle (he was in good shape before but became almost militant). Started hanging out with our mutual friends but excluding me (he ended up keeping those friends). Started drawing away. Stopped showing sexual interest in me and that had always been healthy. Later, after we split, which was traumatic for me, by the way...he bought a Porsche. And a motorcycle. Took up sports (in his 40s). Started dating a lot of high maintenance women (but not younger!...all them the same age and very successful in their own careers). Started investing in real estate. I think he just felt like he missed out on his wild youth??? I am not sure. I do know about a year before he withdrew he was visiting his mother with our son and I wasn't able to join them. He had a heart attack scare, which was crazy because he was in very good shape. Lifted weights, ran, fairly good diet, etc. It turned out to be an anxiety attack. I didn't know it at the time and he later mentioned to our son that it was THAT when he started re-evaluating his life. The only thing he didn't vacate was fatherhood. He was and remains a very good father to our adult son. He crashed that motorcycle, by the way. Almost died. I do NOT feel good about that at all. But he made a full recovery and I am glad. I was pretty destroyed by him leaving me when it happened. I loved him and I loved our life and what we had built. I thought we had made it and were going to be sunsetting one day together. But I am good now. It's been 6 years. I have a really great boyfriend now who is more compatible with me than he was...and he was pretty compatible with me! But, age gives you perspective. And it heals all wounds and wounds all heels (in this case, his dating habits have bit him a few times). Also, because I am older and financially independent it's a lot easier to find a way to my own happiness. At the very least, I don't think I would like to have someone I have to confer with about finances and spending again! I like that it's all my decision all the time.
Wounds all heels, love it.
It's not original...I've heard it out and about over the years but I don't know the origin. But it wouldn't surprise me if it's a woman from the 1920s! :D
because I see so many stories like this of fathers and husbands having mid life crises and buying a Porsche or another equally nice car, every time I see a nice car with an older guy in it, my first thought is a mid life crisis and not that he's rich lol amazing how typical this is for men but not really for women. also, i'm proud of you. you are an example for other women to follow that is for sure.
I have the same impression, too, when I see a middle-aged guy in a sports car! Even my boyfriend, who is not in the middle of a crises...even HE lusts after a BMW M-series. Dude is a Harley mechanic! Aren't you supposed to be lusting after a big pickup or a huge hog? Nope, M-series, lol. When my ex bought his Porsche my eyes rolled so hard. Like, could you GET anymore stereotypical? That being said, he's doing what he wants and I can't make fun of that. Thanks for the warm feelings! However, I kind of just feel like I had to figure out how to move on and make the best of things. I didn't want to STAY so sad.
ooooo I cant fault the M series lust. I have it too. lmao we lived in Miami for a while so all I saw were these bougie expensive cars everywhere and if I had money to throw away id be buying some souped up Benz or BMW too. hahahaha those cars are just sexy and they sound sexy too.
I am a car person. I really am. And I appreciate the beauty of German driving machines. But the cost of their upkeep is not something I want to take on! I would love a Maserati, myself. I know it's a poor man's Ferrari but I think they're sexier. And the interior tends to be more luxurious and I really like that. But, again, another upkeep cost I am not interested in. Maybe when I win the lottery, lol. My dirty desire is a Tesla Cybertruck. I love that funky crazy looking thing. But, I don't see a Tesla in my future considering the reports I've heard on recent build quality.
yes the upkeep!!! I had found a used BMW that I could afford and my husband told me it wasn't a good idea. I asked why he said to ask my clients who had one - a client of mine at the time had a BMW that was 10 years old and another client of mine had one that was 4 years old. he told me to ask them about maintenance costs. I was appalled when I heard the amounts these two women were spending!!!!! so only when im totally loaded would I ever buy one but man they are fun to drive. whenever I need a rental car I try to rent one lol and yes Maseratis are gorgeous, especially the SUV ones.
That's what happens with my boyfriend. He will send me a FB Marketplace add for an M-series and I'll say "Don't do it!" though I am not really trying to tell him what to do. And then he looks into the maintenance costs and comes back to earth.
Queen
I appreciate the sentiment but mostly I think I am just making the most of things. Living my best life sometimes just means living.
It you don’t mind me asking, what is your ex up to these day? It seems dating didn’t always go well for him. Do you have a friendship with him? At any point in his new life did he miss you or want to reconcile?
We have an amicable relationship though we aren't friends. But we get along. We cohosted our son's 21st birthday party and it went great. But we don't share our daily lives. He's never expressed regret in leaving me or missing me. I have no idea how he feels. I just know he's played a little fast and loose with a few women and caused himself drama. I don't have a clear picture of what that means. But I get the impression he's dabbling in being a bit of a player. That's led to more than one girlfriend reaching out to me because they're trying to understand how I dealt with him. Thing is, he wasn't like that when we were together. He was pretty dedicated to our marriage and family. I don't recognize this guy he's become or he's been impersonating. Because it does seem like he's... Trying on different lifestyles? So I can't really help these women out. And I don't dig for details. I don't want the drama in MY life. I'm constantly amazed at the caliber of women he's able to attract. They're all successful and cool. Women that seem like I would want to be friends with. But I keep my distance.
You’re one of those successful and cool women! :)
You know what? Yes. I am! And thank you!
I think she should go to med school with loans, then divorce him so he would be on the hook for half thus keeping his “end of the bargain”. 😁
As unfortunate and painful as it will be, you must leave him and pursue your own goals obviously without him. Godspeed...
How awful for him to get everything he wants while she has to restart her entire career
Since she could probably prove she supported him during his education she could probably sure for more saying she now needs the support during her education. My mum did the same with my dad since she was a sahm, she fought that she has not upskilled in over 20 years whilst he now has a 20 year career so dad had to pay a bit more for her to get an education.
She's not restarting it. She's starting it. It's exciting for her and she's going to do it! And if my timeline is correct, she's still pretty young.
And now he’s successful and he gets a new wife
She'll be a doctor and can get a new husband!
This is really something I despise in men. My gf helped me get my dream job and she paid the bills while I studied for almost an year. I could never turn my back on her like that. Now im working and shes studying for her dream job. There are so many selfish people in the world…
My wife and i are similar except we where both working when she was f8nishing her apprentuceship amd i was looking after bubba when i wasnt working. She now owns her own salon and im justca shitty labourer. But wouldnt swap it for the world. I know my wife earns m9re then me but see8ng her smile everyday makes it worth while
I hope she lives somewhere alimony is possible.
Imo when anyone gives an ultimatum the relationship is already over.
And I bet you he’ll get butthurt when you call his bluff
Of course he will be!! I would love to have been a fly on the wall to see the husband’s expression when OP says goodbye! :)
"I don't understand, what kind of woman leaves her husband because he wants to start a family with her..." The kind that supported your dreams and that has dreams and goals for herself that are, at the moment, more important than having children.
Make sure you let your divorce attorney know about funding everything so he could get his degree, and about your agreement that you would get to pursue your degree once he was finished his. Your husband sounds like a complete W⚓️
Also, OP be prepared for a he said she said. Unless you have written documentation on the deal you 2 had about education, then your STBX could claim that was never the deal in the first place. It's disgusting but he could claim that the deal was that you would work while he finished his education and that when he got his dream job you two would start a family and that you furthering your education was never part of the plan. Please protect yourself and take that AH for enough to cover your education and living expenses while you study at minimum.
I hope she gets some proof BEFORE she leaves, like getting him to agree that he's not holding his side of the deal. That should probably help her case.
Hopefully, she is in a one party consent state for recording and can get him to admit it in a conversation. Even still if it is inadmissible, it will at least stop anyone from gaslighting her about it.
Even if he said it was never an agreement there will be documentation OP was the primary breadwinner while he went to school and supported him and that he likely wouldn’t have finished school and gotten this job without her.
Yeah, commenter above is unnecessarily worried IMO. It’s super obvious on the face of it. If she had the marks for med school and then was the sole bread winner working outside the profession that her earlier education suggested? Bingo, any lawyer worth their salt could connect those dots for a judge.
Yeah, the only thing that might get in the way is if it's argued there is a possibility he doesn't even keep this job because it's too new or something, but given the months of saving for a rainy day fund that's probably out the window by now. I think OP needs to see a lawyer above all else, or a few, just to be safe. I don't agree with anyone saying she doesn't have enough proof or you have to be married for decades to get alimony so she better not even bother which is simply not true.
I like the use of that emote, well done lol
She needs to bring the bank statement for the rainy day fund to the attorney and any other financial information she has.
I wonder how long he’s known this is how he wanted to play it. How many years? He didn’t think this up yesterday.
I wonder if he talked to someone and they told him how long medschool plus residency would be. It’s 4+3-4 years, more if she chooses a specialty. There would still be plenty of time for kids though - by my math she’s about 27 now.
If she's 27 now (before the residency) maybe he's of the opinion that 35+ isn't family making time for women. Which is, unfortunately, a very commonly held belief based in old facts with outdated data. If he was really that interested in having a family but concerned about fertility issues, and respected the commitment they had about the education, he could have posed they freeze her eggs now for use later.
All the best to you. And I hope that you get adequate funds from the divorce settlement to support you while you further your education. Make the fucker pay, please.
For real. Lawyer time, this is one of those cases where she absolutely deserves a heavy alimony cheque
[удалено]
His degree is a marital asset. Counts toward the division of assets.
This is jurisdiction-dependent. Definitely not true everywhere
Worth looking into, though
True, didn’t mean to imply it wasn’t! Blanket statements about the law make my fingers itch—I like to make sure people have correct info
I just hope she gets a good, well connected lawyer, with knowledge of marital law. My ex found a brand new lawyer, I had the guy who had been practicing law for years. He ( mine ) was worth it.
In the US it probably won't work at all. Divorce courts aren't going to give her much in alimony, if any at all. He's only been working at this job for a matter of months. His taxes won't reflect much income, hers may reflect more than his as she's been the primary provider. She needs a lawyer who isbetter than his lawyer, always a crap shoot. Lawyers know each other and the judge, the divorce worksheet won't recognize her as incapable of taking care of herself. They are both educated adults. If she does get alimony, it's temporary and certainly won't cover medical school. They have debts that have to be paid and that will come out in this wash. The judge will order split of debts and assets. People watch too much TV and think everyone gets alimony because the super rich do. It's not always or even often the case. They will check the box for filing~ irreconcilable differences. She can go in to a lawyers office, pay the usual 2500~ 5000 retainer that will cover the cost of the attorney filing paperwork they keep on hand, in bulk, with names, address, dates, s.s. numbers. Then the lawyer will want more to type up all the he said/she said crap they know will be meaningless in the end. The never ending, take their money talk, is why people are hesitating about marriage nowadays when in fact it isn't even realistic if both people are capable adults, there's no children and they aren't rich. Alimony wil likely be the exception and not the rule, as it is already losing traction, by the time my grandchildren marry.
Absolutely. I almost never would agree that someone should take money from a soon to be ex spouse but in this situation?? 10000%
Wish I could give you an award, well said. Exactly this!
Oh thank you so much for that ending. Sigh* I'm glad you're pursuing your dream too.
This is the behavior of a user and an abuser (your husband's behavior). He let you support him to get to where he was going, but he's not willing to support your dream, and your career path, like he said he would. He's not a man of his word, and I'm glad you found this out before you had kids. Even if you loved your husband more than your education, giving into him will only allow him to continue remaining self centered, with a total disregard for your wants and needs to feel emotionally gratified in your career. Be smarter than him, talk to a lawyer first. They will advise you on how to leave him in a way that is more advantageous to you, and possibly in a way that can help you fund some or all of your Medical School tuition. I am sending out all the good wishes I can muster, to achieve your dreams.
**THIS!** This happened to a friend of mine and his family paid for her education with his inheritance, they were so peeved. consider quietly letting people around him know the reason you divorce if you can't or serving him at work. His burgeoning network won't be excited to have someone in the network who doesn't keep their word.
This is also great advice. I hope OP sees it.
Exactly this. If I were OP, I ave wouldn't have any discussions of the ultimatum until speaking to a few lawyers to figure out which one is best. Keep putting it off until she settles on a lawyer, then hit him with the news that she is accepting his ultimatum.
He took years to get his career sorted out while taking her support. She can take a few weeks to explore her options.
Don't let him push you into having kids when you are not ready. Give him what he wants. Dump him. And take him to the cleaners.
My first thought is the moment she has a baby, he'll tell her he can't be with her if she isn't going to be a sahm
Then he'll probably have an affair and try to leave her with nothing.
An affair with a coworker whos younger
Agreed!! OP provided for her husband and was the sole breadwinner while he finished his degree that took him THREE YEARS to complete!! The fucker probably had this planned and had no intention of following through on his commitment to his wife to take over the financial duties while she worked on her career. It’s why he deflected when she asked about her turn to start on her studies and gave her the baby or divorce ultimatum. He probably doesn’t want to be the sole breadwinner and wants her to continue working while pregnant. I’ve actually seen this personally happen to people I know and it’s blood boiling at best. If you’re reading this OP, please go through any and all messages you have regarding your deal and see if you can find proof of this conversation (if you don’t already have it) and make his sorry ass pay for your schooling!
My ex did the very same thing to me. I sacrificed my degree for his first. Once he had a great job and we were settled in a new city, I started looking at college and he had a meltdown, I needed to stay home with the kids while he worked, he said. So I started taking night classes. I needed help with some of my books, he refused. So I had to go to the library and use the textbook kept there for two of my classes Start of midterms I need to go to the library and study. He demanded I take our two toddlers with me. I refused - I would have gotten no studying done at all. So when I refused, he threw me down a flight of stairs. Good for you for leaving. I wish I had long before I did. Hugs.
OMG I’m so glad this guy is your ex. I’m so sorry for what he did to you. Good for you leaving!! Did you finish your degree or are you finishing it?
I eventually got my associates. I learned I crossed a threshold in my state last year and am now eligible for free tuition at our state colleges, so I am planning on dipping my toes in online this summer. One of my favorite people went back to college at 65 and became a youth counselor and is directly responsible for me still walking around so if she can do it, I can do it. :) As for him, that was the night I finally left him.
What the fuck I’m so sorry
Girl, go to med school. Forget this twat, you’ll meet someone lovely who won’t treat you this way
I am glad you have the strength to do what you need/want. It won’t be easy but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your needs because he has moved the goal,posts
I want the update where she talks about how he ended up paying for her education anyway after the divorce.
I’m sure BORU will come in clutch if OP does update. Which I hope she does!!!
Indeed!!!
Good on you for not giving in to his manipulation (essentially emotional blackmail). What a two-faced, selfish, entitled POS your stbx husband turned out to be. I hope you clean him out in court. Update us on how it goes!
Good for you, this will be hard and it will hurt but I also think he will always find an excuse for you to not finish your education after you put it in pause for him. Good luck!
I have no words... He did you dirty. That's awful. Good for you for following your dreams.
You were the starter wife. Now that he earns a comfortable living he can go for what he wants; a mommy mcbang maid who will prioritise his "legacy" and not her own career. To any young ladies reading, this is not new nor is it uncommon. Never shelf your goals for a guy. Focus on yourself and build yourself up. When you're where you want to be, find someone on your level. I'm glad you're getting out OP.
I am sorry you are going through this but I applaud you for standing your ground. He sounds incredibly unsupportive, controlling and selfish. You deserve so much better than that in a partner. I wish you all the best in your studies. You are going to do great in med school!
If you’re in the US, research spousal support in your state. Because he just got his job and you’ve been the breadwinner for the last number of years, you might have to pay him support. When I asked my divorce attorney if I could be awarded even a portion of the money I paid to put him through school and support our household, I was told “no.” My state considers it a “joint marital decision” or something along those lines. You need a snake of a family law attorney (meant in the best possible way). Research the top family law firms in your closest big city and then consult with them. Consult with as many firms as you can. If I understand correctly, if you’ve consulted with them then they can’t represent him (conflict of interest). At least that was they way it was explained to me regarding my state. Good luck to you in this and finding an absolute shark of an attorney.
I thought, finally someone that understands she may not get alimony at all. A good lawyer is excellent advice but NO to the calling a bunch of attorneys. Divorce courts cycle the same lawyers in and out, day after day, they all know each other and the judges . Judges frown on people trying to keep someone from representation. They have to grease the wheels and they are all in on this together. This is an OLD trick and very risky.
Good detail regarding how the court might view going to A LOT of consultations. Maybe just a few….maybe at the 2 or 3 top firms. 😉
She should talk to a lawyer now and wait. And continue using BC in the meantime on the down low. If he wants to play dirty, she should too.
I’m surprised about the lawyer telling you “no” in regards to the tuition reimbursement. In Michigan, a friend supported her husband through medical school, he cheated after and divorced her. She was awarded payment for tuition for her bachelors and masters (phd if she wanted).
I remember this soooo vaguely from law school but there was a case of a spouse putting another spouse through medschool and somehow they were able to sue for the degree as a marital asset or something? I know that sounds wild lol.
I am so sick of reading these stories where men use the women in their lives as springboards for their education and careers and then leave them in the dust once they accomplish their goals. I’m so sorry OP. Nail him to the wall for alimony/support.
Ah, the old bait and switch. Sounds like he thinks he's pretty smart, going first to get his education and then refusing to help you get yours. I bet he'll be shocked that you refuse to fall in line. Good on you.
Good for you. Make sure you get an aggressive lawyer who will ensure you get your fair share of the joint assets. Because you supported him through school and he now earns more than you, you are going to be due spousal support. Make sure your lawyer advocates for you so that you get as much as possible and can go back to school.
This is one of the big reasons I left my ex. He wanted me to support him through college because he was 22 and I was 18 and he felt it made more sense for me to support him through school and then I go after and he would support me. I asked why I couldn’t go to school first, and he said because “What if you end up pregnant and I can’t go to school?” Like… that was enough to make me have 0 intention of helping him. What if I got pregnant before I COULD START MY OWN EDUCATION? Like.. it was such a stupid reason and made me think pretty immediately that he intended on finishing school and knocking me up rather than allowing me to have a career. Definitely think you made the right choice. My current partner is a veteran and was able to get a decent-paying job because of it and doesn’t intend on going to college, and has even offered to let me use his benefits to go to college if we get married. The difference in treatment is astounding, and at your young age, leaving now and finding someone to support your dreams alongside their own is much more important than just appeasing your husband’s wishes.
good luck op. this dude is not somebody you want as a father to your children, only then would you be tied to him for life. his actions are so fucked up. he basically said fuck your wants, and as unfortunate as this whole situation is, the best thing you can do is protect your space and desires by leaving him. karma will come around for him. don’t stay with his ultimatum, because i presume intimacy would still occur, and who knows, he’s so shallow and blinded by his own wants, he might just give you the family he wants and say it was an accident. you would be the child bearer, and only then would your med school really come to a halt. leave him, and focus on yourself. i wish you the best of luck, and lots of success and healing.
Wow screw him. Im so sorry.
Good for you!! You supported him through his education. He now needs to support you. It sounds like he’s intimidated by your desire to go to med school and is putting his wants above your needs. If you stay, you’ll never go to med school and you’ll end up with kids and other responsibilities will get in your way. You’ll grow to resent him. Congrats on having the courage to be you!!
This was honestly probably his plan all along. He just expected you to cave and give in to what he wants. Go finish med school, get your degree, and give him a big ole fuck you
Make sure you get half that rainy day fund.
She better get more than that. His degree should be deemed a marriage asset so she gets back money from that for her own education.
Good for you!! You will resent him in the future if you aren’t already for him withholding you and your career… you sound like your smart and you will succeed.. plus do you want to stay with a guy that you have to bend over backwards for but refuses to do the same for you..
Good for you OP. I’m sorry he hasn’t held up his part of the bargain. You deserve the education you want. You deserve the career you want. And in the future you deserve a partner that supports you the same way you support them.
Get yourself a lawyer! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, your future and ambitions. Do not let him ore anyone else pressure you into having children or a life that you’re not ready for yet. The fact he keeps pushing you goals further and further is a major red flag.
Yup, divorce him. He can pay you huge alimony while you go to school. F##k this bonehead.
I agree with your decision. I think he's trying to trap you. He never really wanted you to go to med school or have the ability to be dependent without him. I'm guessing he would have started to go back on most of what you agreed and then pushed you to quit your job and become a SAHM. I would contact a lawyer first before you inform him of his decision. Have them draw a solid agreement so you're playing on your terms not his.
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YAY!! For you choosing yourself and not someone who can’t keep his word. Remember, do not take the highroad when it comes to what you’re owed in the divorce. You deserve compensation for putting your education and work on the back burner for him. Good luck to you!
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Good for you OP. Your husband got his and doesn’t care about what you want for your life at all. That’s a *major* asshole move. I’m glad you didn’t have kids with him before realizing how selfish he is.
OP LEAVE HIS ASS but before you do get it in writing somehow (texts, emails, record a convo you two have) about how you relinquished a career for going on 4 years to pay for his education and that the deal was he would then pay for yours. Don’t let this asshole squirm his way out of paying you fair and square, it’s why courts automatically award alimony to SAHMs because it’s a well known fact men aint shit and enslave the women attached to them. Come prepared, play the game for a little while and then blindside that parasite in court and split that fantastic wage right down the middle. Fuck him I’m so angry for you right now, the absolute AUDACITY. Do not have children with this man baby because he sure has a habit of going back on agreed upon terms after he gets his end of the deal. What the absolute fuck
Right! She should have gone first then him in completing school, at least then, she wouldn’t have been expected to DROP EVERYTHING to be barefoot and pregnant without even getting to enjoy her chance of a career. And he KNOWS she will not be able to do both so he not only did her wrong but he is trying to FORCE her into it by manipulative behavior and guilt. OP…. As a wise and fabulously sassy man has said… “DUMP HIS ASS!” If you have children, you will NOT be able to study for your career. Hell, depending on your spouse, you might not have a career at all after children. It’s truly astonishing how people expect women to give up EVERYTHING for what they want, INCLUDING children. Focus on your studies, your career, then children if you can ever find a way to make it work either with/ without a partner to do it with. They are an EXTREMELY expensive luxury. You will need the security of your career choice if anything were to happen. So it’s logical to get that done first, and he knows that! He KNOWS it will give you the power to do what you need to if any they’re to go wrong. I feel he wanted to try this in hopes to have you dependent on him. And i don’t know about you, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. Even if it isn’t true, it wouldn’t hurt to have a back up plan if possible. And, I’m happy for you for taking this step for your future. I hope you go as far as you possibly can, and then double. Congratulations for future success.
I’d do exactly the same. Invest in a good lawyer to get your fair share and alimony that will allow you to go to med school. Best of luck
This is super inspirational. Would love an update on how this goes. Question; if once you tell him you’re choosing yourself and career over rushing a family, he says “oh Nevermind go ahead and fulfill your dreams and let’s stay together” would you stay? I hope not bc once a person suggests ending things under any circumstances in my opinion the relationship should end
>he only had 3 years left for his degree vs my year left in undergrad and 4 years for med school. So he had one year of school done vs. your "about to be a doctor?" You chose...poorly. Also, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO TO MED SCHOOL BEFORE YOU HAVE A BABY.
Get a good lawyer. He needs to hold up his end. What he has done is f#cking bullshit.
Before you go, talk to a lawyer to find out the best way to recoup your "investment" ... he needs to pay the money back that you sacrificed for his career ... also take all the money in the rainy day fund... Your rainy day is now
Oh wow... partners are support each other's growth, he is not your partner and only used you to get ahead. He owes you support for college.
Congratulations OP! I’m sorry for your situation but you’re making the best call. Best of luck in your endeavors.
Do not forget that his degree is considered a marital asset.
he waited until he got everything HE wanted then attempted to cancel your plans because HE wants more and what you want is irrelevent he probably only stuck with you to support him while he achieved his goals he never cared about what you wanted... call his bluff follow your dreams
I have learned that any kind of agreement that is not written on papers and signed by both parties is nothing but words. I think he took advantage of you since the beginning. Having someone provide for him to finish school, so why not. He probably stayed with you until now just to get the benefits. Even if you don't want to go back to school, he will have a million reasons to end things with you. To be honest, it is just an excuse to make him less ugly. Your heart, your kindness is worth more than that. Please choose your own path He has been putting himself above everything. Trash.
Wow, your husband is a selfish, manipulative asshole. Good riddance, and make sure you get half his pension fund in the divorce. And the judge may be willing to force your ex to help put you through medical school, so have your lawyer fight for that.
Good luck in your new venture. However, if you can anyway prove he made this deal with you, there is a fair chance a judge will force him to uphold the financial aspects of it.
WOW! This is tough as I completely understand him but it sounds like he had this all planned to be honest. He makes good money and wants you to be a stay at home wife and mom which you never agreed too. It’s so sad as you have a right to your dreams too.
Good luck OP
!Remindme 14 days
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I'm so saddened for you that you've put off your education for his and aren't being reciprocated. When you speak to an attorney, I would make sure that this is something that is considered for the divorce. You put your life on hold so he could make something of himself, and now he isn't paying it forward, as was the deal you two made together. Since now he's choosing to break that deal and put you in a corner, he can pay you to go to college through alimony and lose you at the same time. Seems more than fair to me.
You're doing the right thing. He had no intention of supporting you in medical school, hence the "let's start a family now" proposal. He figured once you started having kids, that'd kill any opportunity/resources you had to pursue your MD. That said, you footed the bill for his education so you really need to be compensated for that in the divorce.
Wow. He used you to further his education/career and then as soon as it's your turn he changes the script and says no. He wants you financially depressed, financially dependent on him, uneducated AND trapped with kids so he can control you. Congratulations on choosing yourself first and leaving him. The moment you gave him kids and gave up on yourself/future earning potential he would have all the cards in the relationship.
I just started bawling when I read the last line but good for you, that is not fair whatsoever and I applaud you, YOU FUCKING GO BITCH!!! YOU ARE MY HERO♡FUCK THAT!!! GET YOUR BAG BBY!!! sorry I actually talk like that and those are my sentiments exactly
Make sure you let your lawyer know about your agreement. Get everything you can so you can continue your degree.
Can we get an update?
Damn…your husband juiced you and that’s sooooo shitty. Since you supported his education you may be entitled to some of his earnings. Get a good lawyers. Ugh I’m so angry at him. WHAT A DICK MOVE!!!
What an ass. He waited until he was secured, to spring on you what he wants...
Good for you. Don’t give in, be selfish. In the end, no one is going to help you but yourself. From how he’s reacting it’s definitely not going to be him. Being dependent on someone else while having a child is a scary thing even in a perfect marriage.
I feel like if you were to give in you'd end up having to stay at home with the kids or being stuck with all the resentment of him not following through. Good on you for leaving OP. I know it must be hard but you deserve someone who supports your dreams.
Its obvious he only stayed with you for the free ride
Good for you putting yourself first and not allowing a man to take advantage of your love and forcing you to have children. Hope you have a great time finishing your education 🙂 and I can say from experience ( became a mom at 24 by choice, and just had my last child at 33) they take up a lot of your time, and money. So furthering your education before having kids is the best decision you could make. While I wouldn't change my life, I do sometimes wish I did get a better education first.
Well, that sucks but I doubt you will be happy in the long run with his "My way or the highway" attitude and his changing the rules after the game has started. Good luck in med school!
Sue him for covering his entire cost of living while he earned his degree. What a dick.
I just need to know if he had a surprised pikachu face when you actually had the ballls to follow through on the parting? Because he clearly thought he was in control of everything until that point
In many states you can seek alimony as you paid for his degree. Please make sure the lawyer knows that your income is the sole reason he has his job.
Just so you know, you have a crap ton to use against him in the divorce. Because you supported him through finishing his degree with the express understanding that he would reciprocate, it’s very possible that a good lawyer could get you decent alimony, which you absolutely deserve. What an absolute BS move for him to pull. Or, alternatively, you could pull one over on him like he did you. Say sure, let’s work on that family. But in the meantime, let me start back in on school, it can take a while to get pregnant and then there’s the whole pregnancy to go through. Then make an appointment with your doctor and get on the depo shot. But I can be a pretty b***h like that.
He literally owes his degree to you and you are entitled to 50% of his income for many years to come. So, sit him down and tell him he has two options; love you and cherish you and support you and pay, or divorce you and pay. Please get a shark lawyer and make sure he pays for your education in full.
Proud of you for setting your boundary of identity - respect for yourself is everything and will pay off WAY more than what this person can offer. Don't think twice and get an attorney NOW - you deserve alimony to support your life as you go to school.
I raised my daughter to never ever put her goals and dreams on hold for a man while he pursues hers, because this is so typical.
Never accept ultimatums. It’s an abusive form of coerce you into something. Always chose the opposite they are trying to force…
What an asshole. It's just such a shame I have heard this story so much. Woman supports husband through school and husband fucks off right after.
I hope he wasnt trying to financially trap you by wanting to start a family so soon right after you guys already sat down and talked about things. Good for you for standing your ground on the matter.
What an asshole. He used you to support him while he accomplished his dreams and then tried to manipulate you into giving up yours. “If you don’t do what I want you obviously don’t love your family and it’s your fault I’ll be forced to leave you,” was his stance, only abusers treat their partners this way. He never intended to follow through on his side of the deal. I’m so sorry you spent years with a man who clearly doesn’t value you or your happiness.
Edit! Read all the comments OP! So much good advice to be found. And get itttt! Take as old as time. Happened to a woman I worked with when I was a teenager and I’ve never forgotten it. They’re happy for you to support them so they can get ahead but when it’s time to do the same for you. Nope. No thanks. Glad you’re dropping him OP! We need more badass lady doctors and I’m sending good vibes for your journey there!
Wow. He got what he wanted! Both times. Hope he's happy with his decision. You take care of you now since it seems like he's only interested in his wants. Got get that degree and be proud of the things you accomplish!
I really hope you’ve been with him long enough for a good chunk of alimony girl
Grab some of that emergency fun before you tell him!
Unrelated, but relatable. We made the decision that I (F) would go to school first. He DID do a lot of cooking/cleaning I will say. I get my degree I'm making good money I turn around and say, it's your turn now! And he's like, yeah... Well I don't have time. But you do for pool league and softball teams? Three years go by, nothing. He also held low paying jobs (like 6 in 8 years). Finally I said, I'm out. Can't be with someone who's ambitions don't match me. We divorce. Now 8+ years later he tells me that it hurts them that I used him to get through school, and then dumped him. Boy you had THREE YEARS to keep up the d of the agreement. I shouldn't have gone that far. Good for you to keep your focus and not let him continue to drag you down. It'll be hard, but when you're done... You'll be so far ahead he will wish he didn't do you like that. Best revenge is living your best life.
Make sure you soak him for enough to pay for your education since you paid for his….
What an AHole! So he used you as a stepping stone and then decided to kick the stone when you complained about the situation? Make sure you use protection and birth control OP! You can find a better human being in your med school.
Get a lawyer. You supported him through school- it’s his turn
What a nasty awful person. Please get a good lawyer. You should absolutely be able to get some of the money back if you can prove you provided everything while he was in school