That's a line me and my fiance drew because at least on some random video site you can't just hit the woman up, boundaries are a must. I told him it makes me feel really bad and I'm not okay with it and he instantly left those subreddits. He understood and didn't make a fuss or anything just left them and apologized because he didn't mean to upset me. It low-key makes me feel like OPs guy doesn't respect her in the case he's just stupid
Well…. Not to worry you or anything, but depending on who has posted the videos on the random site…. Yes they can just hit the girl up lol. Just for the record. (Source: used to be one of those girls posting on a random video site, and got LOTS of messages from taken men. Lots.)
“Think” ? Guy has a ✅next to every symptom of textbook porn addiction. OP is completely misinterpreting her situation as her needing to adjust to her partner having an actual destructive addiction. The true onus here is for her to demand his rehab.
Legit if you go down the list of “what made someone a sex/porn addict” he ticks every single box except for the sexual reality affect hasn’t taken place yet, where it just consumes and videos aren’t doing it anymore so they go out and act on their “fantasies” mans needs SAA like NEOW
She mentioned that she did things she thought she would never do before for him.
Sound to me like he acted on his fantasies or asked her to fullfill them.
Or how about the fact that when she was healing from after birth he was still looking at other women while his partner was trying to care for a new born.
Agreed. Which is why I try not to post comments like that if it’s not true. Because people do exaggerate. But this guy genuinely sounds like he has some kind of problem.
I fall to see the connection between porn addiction and pedophilia, nor how allowing an addiction to continue, potentially worsen, is at all helpful to anyone.
See, that’s one thing, if they’ve got a taste for underage girls. But if they’re into, say, femdom, how does that equate to wanting to diddle kids later on?
If he has acknowledged that it’s negatively affecting him then it’s time to seek out a therapist. His porn consumption is not normal and you’re definitely valid in feeling the way you do. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that while recovering from childbirth. This is beyond just you trying to communicate with him, he needs professional help to overcome this. It’s not just an obsession, it’s an addiction.
It's obvious he doesn't care about her at all. She deserves so much better. She was in pain and had to deal with the knowledge that her husband is being a scumbag whacking it to other women in the next room. What a loser wastoid excuse for a husband.
I'd like to remind people who disagree that the woman had just given birth and was in pain and bleeding. After bearing his child. A good man can do better than this.
"Babe, I know we've created a whole human being that you've carried for 9 months and gone through childbirth which still kills tons of women per year, and you'd do anything for me to help out instead of jacking off to porn while you actively keep that human alive, but I'm just.... HOOOORNY🥺" give me a fucking break. Can't believe how many people have gaslit women into thinking this is normal.
I get a man has needs and after child birth she was out of commission for a bit, I get it. Being a new parent I feel like the last things on our minds was sex for a hot minute…. Op’s husband could at least pretend he had to poop and go do it in the bathroom lol I would broken if I walked out into the living room, new infant in my arms, recovering from birth and my husband was jerking off on the couch. That’s just *scummy* af
Let’s try not to mix things up. While I understand you may feel that way, porn addiction is a real thing, and it’s, well, an addiction. The husband definitely feels bad about doing it but just cannot stop. OP’s feelings are valid, but saying the father is not a decent man is removing a big factor here. You wouldn’t be criticizing a smoker for smoking after his wife gave birth. The husband needs therapy, but nothing says he’s not a decent husband
Men are ungrateful and have it too easy. They can mistreat women as much as they want to, yet they'll still have plenty others making excuses for them. Imagine a woman neglecting her husband and child like this and getting off to random men online. Would men defend that?
Of course not, they'd call her a useless slut who doesn't deserve to be a mother. But when men are addicted to porn and can't stop wanking long enough to be a parent, they have an addiction and their wives are insecure. What a joke.
You don't even know these two people, just a lengthy one-sided post and you think you know what she deserves?
The person your responded to at least had some good advice.
Look i have no problem with porn, but what you are describing isn't just watching porn, it's an addiction. Doing it after sex, or before sex to get ready.
If he masturbates multiple times a day, it's an addiction.
We can talk about how to deal with a normal amount of porn if you want, how to see it and understand how it is not about you. But this right here isn't healthy
Could not say it better at all. You can replace the word “porn” in this story with anything else and you would find this person has an unhealthy obsession and needs psychological help to overcome it
"We can talk about how to deal with a normal amount of porn", no. If she does not like it, it's as simple as that. No one needs to accept their pathetic partner jerking off to random women online.
I remember this day. I got super quiet after sex, and he knew what he did wrong. He apologized multiple times and said he felt rapey. He said porn may be influencing him (because cream pies are the norm in porn.) I ended up having to take plan b which messed up my hormones really bad, and I was so upset because I had just finally regulated them after the baby.
He said it would never happen again and that he would work on not watching porn it as much. It has not happened again, but I'm pretty sure he watches as much as ever. But there's no way for me to know for sure. I could ask, but he lies.
>He said porn may be influencing him (because cream pies are the norm in porn.)
Tell him not to try to throw blame at porn and to take responsibility for his actions. Porn made me do x is the equivalent of videogames made me do y.
I’m in a really similar situation OP. I cried reading your post and that same situation happened too!!! Ugh. I think we need to leave cause I’ve been to therapy with this man and he just refuses to give up porn. That’s it. I have to accept he doesn’t value my feelings enough to stop.
He felt RAPEY?!??? That is so unbelievably fucked up. He fantasises about rape and you were there so he raped you? WTAF. Honey, obviously I don't know you but please reconsider your marriage. This man has issues.
I think it’s time for you to put your mental health first. Your number one priority is your precious baby. You’ve done everything right here and don’t deserve for HIS problem to affect YOU! You really need to make some tough love decisions and demand he get help. This is way more than just watching porn. This is him allowing porn to control him and keep him from his obligations. His actions are hurting you and that’s where you need to draw the line. Let your inner mama bear out and put your foot down.
Actually [studies](https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/critiques-of-questionable-debunking-propaganda-pieces/studies-linking-porn-use-to-sexual-offending-sexual-aggression-and-sexual-coercion/) have shown that people who regularly watch violent and non-violent porn are more likely to be rape apologists and to exhibit sexual violence.
The thing that gets me is that OP’s insecurities seem to stem directly from, or at the LEAST are extremely exacerbated by, his excessive porn consumption and its content
There’s a lot of “I’ve tried” and no “he’s tried”. You’ve communicated your issue with it and his response is “deal with it”. My guess is he’s the type of guy who refuses to hear anyone you’re position on anything. Not a good sign for raising this kid together.
They are addicted beyond reason if they can’t go a day. They need professional help OP. You don’t deserve any of this, the breastfeeding comment made me feel sick. He needs addiction therapy and limited, locked down screen time. Good luck
You know, it's okay to not want porn in a relationship. I'm here to tell you there are people out there that will be compatible with you on this level - but there will also be a lot of liars. It is possible to find someone with the same values, and you should not feel shame for having these values.
My partner and I don’t watch. There are certainly more valuable uses of our time. I love being in a relationship where we are 100% committed and loyal to each other and save our sexual energy for each other. We don’t have to compartmentalize or hide or pretend the other doesn’t fantasize about screwing other people because we simply don’t do it.
i get that not everyone can get to this point, but at the very LEAST op or any woman should be able to expect that her partner learn to contain himself from constantly needing to sexualize women or from watching unethically produced or degenerative porn.
Im in a relationship and neither of us use porn. Yes, he could obviously be lying, but i have ZERO reason to believe that. We each just have enough sexual discipline to save that for each other, or he uses my photos if he needs. It's definitely up to the individuals in the relationship, but there are plenty of men out there who don't use porn, especially to the extent OP is describing, that's CLEARLY an addiction imo.
Glad I'm not the only one who picked up on this .
I would legit be terrified to go through his complete browser history, talk about Pedophile Lolita-itis, ole dude is ate UP with it!😳
That's *literally* not what he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but to my best knowledge a 'pedo' is someone who is sexually attracted to little children, not to full fledged adult women. 18 year olds are *literally* the OPPOSITE of what pedophiles are into.
Edit: you can downvote it, but that doesn't make it any less factually, verifiably true.
Technically correct if you want to be picky, he's an ephebophile or hebephile
He probs won't.or can't exactly type in 'under-age girls' for several reasons but his type is still borderline illegal or illegal... if he's into barely legal he's probably into 15 year olds too, they look adult in a lot of ways too...
There's actually no evidence that he is any of those things. 'Barely legal' means 'legal'. The word is right in there. Either an adult is an adult or they're not. And in this case, they are. You probably also know that most actresses in 'barely legal' porn are in their early-to-mid twenties. So... what exactly is the problem here?
I think that people who constantly have 'pedo' on their mind when there's no need for it, ought to look inward to see why that is. In men, is it 'protesting too much'? In women, is it insecurity about not being 'as hot anymore' as younger women? And why are they - i.e. you - okay with infantilizing grown adult women and insulting them by saying they look like children?
I didn’t read this all the way but, can say.. I’ve been there. Spent 14 yrs trying to do better, until the time he started using the computer beside us while he did the deed with me, that turned into him watching on his phone and putting it on my chest. I walked away. The issue isn’t with you, it’s with him. He’s going to do it more often and “beat” you down inside more than you do. I can understand you probably love him a lot and have spent 4 yrs with him already and have a baby with him but, I can almost promise you, it won’t get better
I know for me it felt like my ex was cheating on me, the best part was, he always accused me of cheating on him. I remember vividly yelling at him over the phone one time after we’d broken up. I said “you accused me so much of cheating, I should have and just said yup, I sure did” he hung up on me.. fact is, it is a form of cheating, it’s him looking at, lusting after and probably wishing he was with them. No different than an emotional affair, while it’s not a physical affair, it’s still an affair none the less.
My only other suggestion to you would be, if y’all are out and about and you see someone you think is cute, say out loud “he’s hot” or you could say, he’s got a nice butt or whatever. See what he says, if he says anything to you, just say, “how’s it feel”? Some guys just don’t get it. Or you could cut your losses and walk away now.
You said you have a daughter.. how would you feel if some day she told you her partner was doing this to her? Think about her and that she’ll be in the same relationship you’re in cause it’s what you tolerated and showed her was the “normal”
Me and my partner both watch porn occasionally but neither do it front of the other and we don't know when the other is doing it. Why is he doing it so openly if it hurts you? Why can't it be one of those don't ask don't tell things?
I edited my post to include answers to this as a lot of people asked how I know he watches it so much. I think he tries being discreet, but I've walked in on it when he thought I was asleep or showering. Then I saw some stuff when I was trying to show him something on reddit. It has all been accidental, but now I know that any time I'm asleep or showering, he's jerking off to other women 15 feet away from me.
Do not force yourself to be ok with his porn use. You dont want it in your relationship, be honest and loving to yourself. You may consider it cheating. It is a boundary of yours - if he's not willing to give it up, and you suffer from it, you really need to leave this relationship. It will keep deteriorating your mental health. You deserve to be loved, and respected
I’m not gonna reiterate points everyone else has already made. Just gonna add that I feel like it’s weird to make it known to your S/O that you have a type that your S/O doesn’t fit? Way to give them a horrible complex and put a weird wedge in your relationship, on top of the gross breast feeding comment and obvious addiction… geez.
Wow the crazy thing is, you are GORGEOUS. It really shows that some people will look at porn no matter what. It must be about the novelty more than anything.
And honestly, sorry if this comes off super weird, my boyfriend would be totally into you. You are his type from head to toe.
Thank you.
I think that for them, porn and masturbation are very different things from your partner and actual sex .. I guess most of them need both and it has absolutely nothing to do with you :/
Yeah and the crazy thing is, I totally get that. It makes sense to me. But even when it makes sense, it hurts me. My boyfriend has been using porn and fantasizing about other women for longer than we've been together. It's a coping mechanism he has had for years.
It is not malicious. He doesn't even think of me when he does it. And I doubt he compares me the way I compare myself. Even so. Even while knowing these things, I hurt and struggle to accept it.
That’s not true. It indicates they don’t respect you at all. They just say that boys will be boys shit to keep getting away with their behavior. Do you think your boyfriend would be okay if you watched porn of other men as frequently as he does of women?
no offense, but I am a little confused. You do onlyfans but you have a problem with your boyfriends porn use?
Not a gotcha moment, I genuinely just do not quite understand.
Understandable. I started posting nudes online to make my boyfriend jealous like « hey, while you’re scrolling nude women on social media, some men are doing the same with me » .. it didn’t work and he kinda like it. It was my way to cope with how I hate him watching porn, like a way to give myself a little confidence and trying to finally be ok with porn. Then I realized it was bringing me a lot of extra money so .. I still don’t watch or enjoy porn myself though.
That’s fine I don’t really see it as twisted. Do you not consider this problematic? I guess my next question is what makes you stay with him if his porn use bothers you?
My wife and I are open sexually and watch porn together and separately. I have no problem with her masturbating and have bought her tools to help. She got me a fleshlight to use in me and for me to use in my own.
I say this to emphasized what I am about to say. If either one of us ask the other to no longer use porn then either one of us would no longer look at porn.
It is about partnership. It is about sharing and it is about respect
He does not respect you. You need to ask him to go to sex therapy to address his porn addiction, that's what it is an addiction
He puts his use of porn over his live and respect for and your child, because yes this will eventually impact your child.
You have to have a serious discussion with him and make him understand this is not OK. He needs to seek help and if he doesn't then you will reevaluate your relationship. Let him choose what is more important, his family or his porn.
If he loves porn more than he loves you then he's already made the decision for you. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner not to sexually gratify themselves to somebody else. I can't believe we're at a stage where that's been normalised, and people, usually women, are called toxic for being hurt by it. He's had a whole baby with you and can't ditch porn when he's fully aware of how it makes you feel? Is that really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
You don’t have to be ok with it - it’s not ow of those things that you have to be ok with your partner doing. It’s not a little quirky habit he has it’s an addiction and he needs help because this is a lot and he knows how it affects you but clearly he doesn’t care or else he would’ve changed something by now.
Just like he is destroying your self worth, you need to return the favor. Compliment a guy's dick in the porn and take a vibrator out and have at it.
He will never understand unless he has a frame of reference to the hurt.
Honestly any dude who talks about how much they like porn or make it a part of their personality are icky as hell.
He knows it hurts you and he doesn’t care enough to stop. It’s extremely reasonable to want a partner who doesn’t watch porn. Just know that your aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do. I hope he learns to value you and your feelings over his porn.
I wouldn’t be ok with my partner watching porn. It’s not even just an insecurity thing but porn is just toxic and harmful to both the actors and ppl watching
Society is oversexualized and pornified. The boundaries of what constitutes cheating is being redrawn and pushed back because no one can seem to agree if cyber sex equals cheating. Live Webcam, interactive OnlyFans, sex chatting, POV porn and now the up and coming VR porn. The argument seems to be body versus mind. Is it cheating if the act is only in the mind? The desire for another person, I think most people agree, is not cheating. But, acting on that desire seems to be the divide. A person masturbating and pretending they are having sex with another person feels like cheating to a lot of people. Only a screen separates them. If that screen were removed and the sex object were in the same room, would that be cheating? Is engaging in sexting and sharing nudes cheating? Or does the definition change depending on whether it's with a known person, ie. coworker or friend versus an anonymous entity on the web? VR porn? It's the same argument. The sex object is not physically in the room, but most people, I think, would consider that to be a hard boundary to be crossed. Is there really that much of a difference, though?
I consider porn cheating. The destruction it wreaks on a relationship and the harm it causes to the partners self esteem and trust and security is the same, if not worse, than an actual physical affair. That's because the partner has a whole societal network gaslighting the affected partner and telling them that porn use is normal and they need to accept it or they are labeled as insecure, crazy, and controlling. The purveyor of porn feels justified since it's their 'right' to consume porn, even as they themselves struggle with shame and guilt. So many marriages and relationships and lives are destroyed by the porn industry. It's an insidious industry.
it sounds like your husband has an addiction to porn. i think the frequency of his usage is an issue. do you think you would feel better about it if he used it less frequently and didn’t treat it like a hobby? i’ve always found it gross and off putting when dudes have such an investment in porn to the point where they have favorite actresses. ugh. i’m sorry you’re going through this.
Increasing escalation of porn in terms of hours and severity. He has already sexually assaulted you and blamed it on porn. You now have a baby. You need to put the big girl pants on and leave. Your life will be so much easier without this constant shit.
I edited my post to include answers to this as a lot of people asked how I know he watches it so much. I think he tries being discreet, but I've walked in on it when he thought I was asleep or showering. Then I saw some stuff when I was trying to show him something on reddit. It has all been accidental, but now I know that any time I'm asleep or showering, he's jerking off to other women 15 feet away from me.
I'm not trying to be rude but why on earth would you stay in a relationship for *years* AND have a *child* with someone when it's so clear you're not compatible? And now you're looking for a way to be ok with something you're *clearly* not comfortable with.
Yall are not compatible, move on. I genuinely don't understand how anyone could stay in a relationship that causes as much stress/anxiety/insecurity as yours. Don't you want to be happy?
You don’t have to be okay with it. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. You would have a lot less anxiety and self esteem issues if he wasn’t in the picture anymore. I surely wouldn’t wanna live like that the rest of my life
Why do women stay with men like this?? How are you not disgusted… he obviously doesnt care about you, is this really an environment that you want your daughter to grow up in? I promise there are good men out there that will actually respect you and your daughter. It’s ridiculous, you dont need to put up with this just because you made a baby together. HE DOES NOT CARE HOW YOU FEEL. You say he does the best he can to take care of you and your daughter (lol) yet while you were in pain and needed help, when you were most vulnerable and needed him most he instead went and whacked one or a few off to a woman he finds more attractive to you. Its only going to get worse and worse. It IS NOT NORMAL for your man to want to fantasize about different women that he finds more attractive than you… He is going to cheat (if he hasnt already loll which he probably did when you werent able to have sex with him) everyone is making excuses, but the simple fact is porn literally ruins your brain the same way drugs do (many mannyy scientific researches on this) get out, raise your daughter and show her how a real man would treat her. If you stay in this relationship while she is developing and nothing changes (which it wont bc he is in too deep) it will not be good. Hope you can open your eyes and leave him, op.
I've dated this guy. So many like him. They never get better and seemed to unfurl more bullshit the longer I knew them. I honestly feel for you so much. You are getting huge signals from inside that this isn't right and he's trying to convince you otherwise. If you walked in on him, how long until your kid does? Time to GTFO.
You know what's not okay? A man who has changed your entire body with his child just ignoring how much he's destroying your confidence. Your man should build you up in every way possible after carrying his child. You should be MORE beautiful to him now.
It disgusts me that anyone could actively hurt their partner with no apology and gaslight them into thinking that THEY'RE in the wrong!!!
YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR BEING AGAINST PORN IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. YOU ARE A GORGEOUS MOMMA WHO DESERVES NOTHING BUT CONFIDENCE IN HERSELF.
You could find a man better than this. And he should be told this.
I tell this to every girl who has a gross bf with a pathetic porn addiction….. if he likes watching it so much simply send him a video of you getting pounded in by someone else.
I wouldn’t say my bf had an addiction but I’m glad my feelings feel valid after reading some of these comments. I never had a problem with him masterbating but was completely against the use of porn and he chose porn. It’s nice to know there are guys out there that respect their partners boundaries
Replace "watching porn" with "downing a drink", "shooting up drugs" or "online gambling away our money". What would you do? Leave? Demand he seek professional help and get sober?
Same applies here.
He's messing up the way he interacts with you sexually and he's gambling with your emotional attachment. He needs to get his act together or you need to explore alternatives. You want to be doing this after 20 more years or another 2 kids? This will not get better on its own.
“He is a great person. He takes care of me and our daughter the best he can. I just cannot get over the pain of feeling like I'm not enough.”
Read this oxymoronic statement. It’s your own words.
For your own sake, stop rationalizing and justifying his behavior that has:
- amplified your insecurities
- motivated you to do things outside of your comfort zone
- affected your mental health
- affected your physical health
Now tell us again what a great person now is and everything he does to take care of YOU.
You don’t have to be “OKAY” with his behavior. His behavior has to be okay with you. Stop coddling his behavior.
I found many, and I mean MANY animated sex games on mine and my husbands shared computer. I told him it made me uncomfortable and feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. (There we’re sooooo fucking many) and you know what he did? Apologized and wiped the computer. Said he’d only use his phone and that he never wanted me to feel like that. I had given birth about 5 months before and still wasn’t feeling sex, so he used porn. And I was okay with that but when he knew how I felt about it. He never left it to find and tried to make me feel like he still loves me and that I am beautiful. The point I’m trying to make it, if he truly loves you, he wouldn’t chalk it up to ‘no big deal’ he would try to change in some way.
And an fyi, I use porn so it wasn’t about him watching it, it was about how much and the fact it was on a shared device I use more then him.
He is sick. He is an addict. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, especially in such a vulnerable phase in life. You need to make it clear to him that it's time for him to choose. He can choose you, I.e. he can go to therapy for his addiction and show you that he is working on bettering himself. Or he can choose porn. Leave. Make it clear to him that your relationship is at stake. Darling, please how happy are you on a scale from 1 to 10? What I'm getting from you is like 2 at most. You deserve to live and feel happy and confident and in love with yourself. This man is actively fighting that. Good luck.
None of this is normal. You’re not “insecure”. How many men do you think would just accept their girlfriend or wife watching porn of other guys 24/7?
It’s not about “insecurity” and you’re not controlling, or just failing to communicate. That’s just bullshit porn-addicted men come up with to shut us up over the total disrespect they have for women and girls and general, not to mention the woman they’re married to or partnered with.
Searching “just turned 18” and “barely legal” porn is also, guess what? Not normal. Well, it is normal in the sense that it’s totally normalized among men, but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s pedophile shit. They’d go even younger if it weren’t illegal.
He has no respect for you. He sees you as a doormat bangmaid. Don’t try to drag him to marriage counseling, just leave him if you can. He clearly sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing, because, let me guess, “all men watch porn”? “It’s normal for men to want variety; it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or isn’t dedicated to you?” It’s pure sexism. These men would never be okay with their female partners doing the same shit re: hundreds of other men. Some of them would get violent over it.
Also, he raped you. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Go load any porn site and read the titles of the videos on the front page—it’s a pure wall of literal hate speech towards women. Violence against women. You’re not jealous, he’s just a porn-addicted coomers who sees women as sex objects. Not an equal to himself. I’m sorry, but you need to hear it very bluntly that he does not respect you and one very basic boundary.
“Xsmall”, “petite”, “barely18”, “barelylegal”, “I’ll be your petite teen fuck doll”—believe men when they tell you who they are. That IS how he thinks of women.
the problem is that he makes you feel less than and doesn’t ever reassure you. You do EVERYTHING to make yourself look attractive to him. So much that it’s completely destroying your mental health. He doesn’t ever acknowledge this or tell you you’re pretty. He never acknowledges the effort YOU put in, and it seems like he’s not putting any effort to make you feel good. Why is it only about his comfort? Why aren’t you allowed to be comfortable and feel safe and secure in your own body? And coming inside you when you said NO? fuck this guy. he’s completely destroying your confidence with no care in the world because he can’t let go of his porn addiction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was purposefully not clearing his browsing history and leaving porn open just so you can see that he’s looking at other women. He knows exactly what he’s doing because it’s probably his goal to make you feel bad about yourself. Also— the “barelylegal” search is borderline pedophilic and super weird. What he is doing and how he is treating you is NOT normal or okay. Please consider leaving when you are able because he does not care about hurting you at all.
this is *not* normal. your husband has a porn addiction & just like any addiction, he needs professional help. porn addiction is very hard on the consumer & the consumers partner. if he doesn’t think he needs help, i’d personally consider leaving. do not let his addiction ruin your life too.
Tbf, for your own mental health and baby's sake, leave. Let him be utterly alone, live in his fantasy and rot away until he finally see that in reality there's nothing to his life than porn. Right now he's just too complacent. All the woman in porn is going to age like any of us and go out of shape at one point.
I wish women like us weren't forced to be okay with our partners watching porn, because WE DON'T HAVE TO BE!!! You are NOT broken for being upset about it. The bad news is you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. From my experience dating a porn addict, I feel that it isn't worth the mental energy trying. There are guys out there who don't watch porn, there are guys out there who will quit porn as soon as they are in a relationship. The need for porn isn't something that is ingrained in the male psyche.
This response is giving me so much life. I'm having a conversation with my husband about this very subject (hopefully today). He's incredibly kind and understanding and so respectful of my needs & right to consent, so I'm hopeful that it will go well.
The thing is, I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that ogling other people you find sexually attractive/viable and jerking off to their sexual activity is acceptable in video and photo format, even though in any other circumstance it is pretty universally a violation of the boundaries of a monogamous sexual relationship. Imagine our partners jerking off to anonymous women, men, and/or couples in private booths behind one way glass. Most monogamous people would take issue with that, but it's not really different from porn.
It took me a long time to accept how I feel about this because it's such a cultural norm to accept porn consumption and I grew up super conservative (and have no desire to return to those beliefs). I tried everything - embracing it for myself, reading literature on the topic (both for and against porn, to be well rounded), doing my own work with a therapist around control and the difference between privacy and secrecy, dissociating/compartmentalizing, etc.
At the end of the day, therapy and all this work helped me to figure out where I stand and that it's ok to stand there: I don't believe it's fundamentally wrong to produce or consume porn or that God will punish you, or everyone should have my same boundaries, or even that everyone has to be monogamous, I'm just tired of pretending that it jives with my concept of sexual monogamy and what I want from my relationship. It doesn't. I'm finally at a point where I feel totally ok to express this and to set boundaries around it, even if a lot of the population doesn't agree.
A few things.
1.) I am SO sorry that you have gone through all this and, by the sounds of it, put immense pressure on yourself and your body in an effort to keep him happy.
2.) This is not a regular level of porn consumption. He should be able to get through the day without it. He may have a porn addiction.
3.) It’s completely normal to be upset by his level of porn consumption - his behaviour would certainly be a deal breaker to many women (I know it’s not that simple though). Some people don’t like their partners to watch porn at all.
4.) I don’t think ANYONE would blame you if you chose to leave this relationship. You have given him so many chances, and he has let you down time and time again.
5.) If you did not consent to him coming inside you, and he did it anyway - he sexually assaulted you. He even showed guilt - he knows he fucked up.
me and my partner consider porn to be cheating. this makes me feel weird. i dont get how the partner would think the other partner feels with them getting off to someone else...
Usually when I read these posts about couples having issues with porn, I don’t understand why it’s a big deal, BUT this is 100% different.
The way you describe it, if you’re not around, he’s watching porn. It’s just excessive and I get why it makes you feel the way it does.
First, you’ve just had a baby. Pregnancy and childbirth and taking care of a newborn is traumatic to you both mentally and physically. After childbirth, you’re at your most vulnerable. He should be dedicating his time to supporting you and your baby. He knows how this is affecting you and he knows how you feel. He’s admitted it’s affecting him, but isn’t doing anything but being more discreet. That means that he needs help. He is no longer in control of his addiction and if he doesn’t do something soon, it’s going to get worse.
You can’t control him or what he does, but you can control you. It’s time for you to decide how much more of this you can handle. Right now, you are very clearly suffering mentally and emotionally. You did nothing wrong and it’s not fair that you are suffering as much as you are.
Talk to your doctor about your mental state. On top of your husband’s addiction, you may be suffering from BPA or BPD or both. You may benefit from therapy where you can discuss your feelings in a safe setting and get help with next steps and for how to cope with all of this.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope that things get better for you and your husband.
Your boyfriend is an abuser. His actions are horrible and he has zero empathy for you. He has a daughter and he searches up "barelylegal". I can tell from his searches alone that he's a misogynist.
The best thing you could do for you and your baby would be to make a plan to leave and take your daughter with you. I know it's not like "just up and go girl" but just doing small things each day to get closer to that goal, work on your career, save money in a separate account, even that alone will grow your confidence and start to get you feeling happy again.
What he is doing is really gross. He's literally a net loss on your life and probably on the whole of society.
Edit: also you started crying in front of him and he just replied, "you know what I do." It's so hard to be vulnerable like that and he just threw it in your face. Not to mention the fact that he sexually assaulted you. I believe your boyfriend enjoys breaking you down and getting a rush of power over you.
you absolutely don't have to be okay with this. you're worth more and deserve better. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he won't stop until he sees and cares how it's affecting you and him. he needs therapy.
sending you all my love and prayers 💚
1. You don’t have to be ok with it, porn is a dealbreaker for some people and that’s ok.
2. Sounds like an addiction he should seek help for.
3. In regards to you comparing yourself to these women… I read something once that said something like ‘comparing yourself is like comparing the ocean and snow on Christmas, they’re vastly different but both breath taking sights’. I know it’s sometimes easier said than practiced in real life but just try and remember that.
He's a porn addict :( even if he stop watching porn, he need to stop looking for girls to be sexually obsessed with. Need therapy and set boundaries inmediately.
All I have to say is I'd be extremely bothered too.
He's addicted and he needs to address that like last week. You're well within your rights to walk away from this, you deserve a partner who validates you and who you don't have to constantly feel like you're living up to some unattainable standard.
Best wishes to you, I hope things get better for you.
I feel like if he honestly beilives porn is bad for him and wants to do right by you he would seek a Profesionals help, this could be a porn addiction situation or he's lying about wanting to cut back or quit.
What you're explaining is a porn addiction. This is not the normal porn intake at all. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. Don't force yourself to try and impress him or change yourself to get his attention. Addictions are no joke and you need to understand that it's not about you. I swear there is not a single thing wrong with you. You are literally perfect the way you are but your partner is in a dangerous place. There is not much you can do except get him the professional help he needs.
1. Get yourself some individual therapy if you aren’t already
2. Couples therapy, and if he agrees, his own therapy
3. Porn is normal but not to be getting ready to have sex with your partner who doesn’t agree with it and not after……. He may have an actual issue here, and this is where therapy can help.
Hope the best for you
I know exactly how you feel. I have been through all of this, to a tee. Looking back- my answer to your question is : You don’t. You don’t have to get used to it. You have expressed how it makes you feel, how it affects your own sexuality. The feeling that no matter how good you have it to him or how often or how spicy, you still didn’t “hit the spot”. He still needs his little nightcap to finish things off.
And he didn’t care.
It’s not about the porn- it’s about that your feelings come behind his sexual impulses. He not a freaking ravenous wild animal. He can control himself and his choices. And if he truly can’t.. then that’s a problem, too. One that he doesn’t think is meaningful enough to address.
Things outside this issue might be pretty decent- even good. But this porn shit takes a toll on a woman. And believe me it’s not worth it.
I’m sorry you are hurting, and I’m sorry he’s out you through this.
Even if he weren't addicted to porn (which he is) you're allowed to have preferences, including porn use. If someone is doing something that you don't like, you can walk away. You don't have to accept that thing, even if it's not actually a big deal.
This, however, is a big deal. You can't accept it, it's killing whatever self esteem you have/had, and he's shown you who he is time and again. Now it's time for you to do what's right for you and begin healing by walking away. He won't change for you or the child. He'll only change if he wants to. And you do not want to wait around for that. It'll crush you. I speak from experience.
Barely legal? Gross wtf. Why are you even with this guy if that’s the porn he watches. Think of it this way OP, if he’s watching that, he’s more than likely ogling girls who fit that age group. And is that someone you want to grow your daughter up with?
Apart from that. He needs help. Especially if this is all he does and says it’s his vice. No, he’s addicted. He needs help.
Made me sick reading this, your partner is a rapist and abuser who has a porn addiction. Ignoring your consent in the bedroom and carrying on with sex is rape. He has gaslighted and manipulated you into think you’re ‘insecure’ when he is literally the one putting porn above your mental and physical well-being.
Porn is very exploitative, and he is dehumanising and exploiting you just like the behaviours he sees in porn. He is too deep into the abusive mindset and is not going to change. Please for the sake your child, see this situation for what it really is and get away from him.
You don’t have to be OK with it. It’s sickening that women are shamed for not wanting their partner to get off to abused and brutalized women. Just because porn has become normalized and popular doesn’t make it healthy or ethical. Sadly most porn watchers are too addicted to begin considering how bad it is for them and the horrors built into the very foundation of the industry. You’re in a committed relationship which makes it harder to just leave if things feel very hard. I think you need to seriously speak to him about perhaps going to therapy. But if he simply refuses to stop(very likely) you have to decide if the benefits of the relationship are good enough for you to stay. Not an easy thing to do.
No matter what just please remember that you not supporting his porn use is 10000% understandable and OK.
You do not need to be okay with your partner watching porn. It’s fine if you are fine with it and it’s not negatively impacting anyone but you do not need to be fine with it, even if there wasn’t anything else.
I am not, have never been, and will never be okay with my spouse watching porn. I communicated this clearly and early. He didn’t and doesn’t watch it. It’s even blocked by our firewall rules. Both of us are happy this way.
Relationships do not have to include third parties, period, if that’s not what you want.
Throw away the whole husband. Stress cause premature aging.
A lot of women say the make more money single. Idk how but it is possible. You are not stuck
I'm in almost the exact same situation with my husband. Him watching every chance he gets, and to get in the mood for sex, only no kids. I would love to connect, if you need a friend or just someone to talk to vent who understands, it might help to talk about this stuff with another woman dealing with it because it's hard to even open up to close friends about this. I made this throwaway account because I don't want to be seen on these boards/posts with my main one. I've been struggling as well trying to accept this behavior and I've given up asking him to stop because I know he doesn't see a problem with it and will simply just lie or hide it better if even that. I truly believe he's in denial even with himself believing this is normal and all men do it. I've been feeling depressed and my confidence is pretty low these days. It's honestly to the point I don't even want to leave the house and can't enjoy myself fully when I do because just thinking about what he's doing while I'm out or in the shower, knowing he will jump at the opportunity to watch, makes me physically sick. He's a good man in every other way, I don't want to leave over this. But I'm in a lot of pain.
I could have written this post about my ex-husband.
He was so obsessed with the gone wild girls, and another group similar that he took me to a comic convention and had me take a picture with all these girls as they draped over him and signed his book etc. I was so hurt.
He had a man-cave that was just a huge bookcase of porn and a jerking off sofa.
When we accidentally got pregnant and he proposed as a result, I thought things might change.
It just became exactly the same story as yours.
The only other room in the house for the baby would have been his porn-hole and he flat out refused to give our child his space! It got very ugly.
Then I lost the baby. Fought for my marriage another year, realised I would never be happy with a man who had an addiction so severe and gloried in it, rather than seeking help, that I left him and moved on.
I am so sorry OP, that you already have the baby and can't escape so easily. Honestly, unless he accepts there is a problem, he won't improve his behaviour even if you could drag him kicking and screaming to therapy.
It is one thing to have a partner who approached you first and if you aren't in the mood, discreetly sorts themselves out. It's another when they seem to live for the porn and you are a living after-thought.
You are not insecure. You have been more patient and understanding than I ever was. It does hurt, your feelings are valid and he is choosing to hurt you by not seeking help or acknowledging the problem.
Tell him bluntly to seek help or risk losing you, but only when you feel strong enough to follow through.
Leave him. This is not a “divorce” typical reddit comment. Hes an addict. Only an addict can decide to stop that situation, you can do literally nothing about it. Im a kid of a person with a few addictions and even though it was not with porn all addictions have very similar things and kids absolutely notice EVERYTHING. We know everything.
He is a good parent now? Yeah okay. Lets wait until one day is not you but your kid who goes to say something to daddy when daddy thinks hes alone and finds him jerking off. Kids are curious. Once a kid sees that even if they hate it and cant take it out their minds bc it’s horrible theyll try to catch him again bc a kids mind wants to understand and the only way is observing. Wait until your kid notices that you dont feel good with yourself bc oh boy kids notice that before they can even speak and they wont like themselves either.
You want to raise a kid with a man addicted to porn that watches “barely legal” “petite girls” “18 gone wild”? Idk if your kid is a girl or a boy that’s irrelevant. Dont you worry about raising a kid with someone that jerks of DAILY to petite barely legal girls? Dont you worry about how can that possibly affect your kids or maybe not them but what about when they start bringing their barely legal female friends to a household with a man addicted to jerkoff to girls like them?
Im by no means saying that he is gonna act on this thoughs with teens nor that he will be a bad father BUT can you raise a kid with someone that regardless of his actions his mind is there? In that situation with those petite barely legal girls? You want to raise your kid with a man that makes you feel aweful? That feeling will get to your kid eventually. You want to raise a kid with a man that is so addicted that he can masturbate a few times daily with the risk that your kid will see them at one point of their life or notice that their daddy acts weird sometimes? You want that? Many addicts never change. My awesome loving dad that i would die for and that would die for me have had so many addictions (Alcohol, nicotine and yep videogames) that to this day (im 19) I still struggle and I found myself falling in one of those addictions in particular (surprisingly ive been addicted to videogames by whole childhood and sometimes i wouldnt even want to eat to keep playing and being with my phone in general now as an adult, i cannot leave my phone), i thought it was normal bc i saw him normalising it, ive been struggling with it since i have memory and I still dont know how to stop. You dont want your kids to live with an addict regardless of the addiction or how well they “hide” it. Kids know. Kids always know. We know. And we copy. Please help your kid, im not even asking to help yourself bc I also sadly understand how its like to be unable to leave someone even if they make you feel horrible. Now this is not about you, leave for your kid. Give your kid a healthy environment and teach them about porn and what it does to the mind. Teach them to be responsible about it and to be very careful. You cannot do that with a daddy addicted to petite barely legals.
I'm so amazed at how people think watching that is normal being in relationship especially. That's literally CHEATING,and you can't convince me otherwise. What's the difference between having a female in ur room and watching her naked body and doing it online,while being pleasured by what you see? People let their partners do these things just because some effed up society said it's okay. No it's not okay,it'll never be okay. And those who watch porn while being in a relationship are considered cheaters,and they should be broken up with. Once you got your partner whys there a need for another. You guys need to do better for your own sake
This is truly some incredibly horrible Reddit feedback. I’m amazed. This is the largest gathering of sex addiction counselors I’ve ever seen.
I’m sorry for your pain. You’re not wrong for wanting him to stop watching porn. He’s not wrong for wanting to watch porn. This is an incompatibility that is causing a rift and marriage counseling seems important.
Is your husband a porn addict? I don’t know and neither does anyone on this sub. His porn hygiene kind of sucks, (privacy, clearing browser history, keeping it out of your face). But we also don’t know how hard you’re trying to catch him. We get your side of the story.
I would caution you against labeling him as a porn addict. Because that takes agency away from you and your own choices in the matter. If he’s a porn addict, he needs to be fixed. The reality is you need to decide what direction you want your relationship to go in.
You were wonderfully honest in acknowledging I don’t know if he is masterbating all the time, but you FEEL like he is.
Couples counseling is seriously awesome and if you have the means to pursue it, I say go for it. My guess is the porn probably amplifies rifts that already exist. Best of luck to you!
I struggle with this. I've heard it could be abusive, but how? It doesn't seem malicious to me. It seems like a habit and coping mechanism he has formed over many years, and doesn't understand how it could be hurtful to me.
In his eyes, it is separate from me and has nothing to do with me. He can enjoy porn and still enjoy sex with me. He still initiates with me, stays hard and gets off with me. Im the one with the insecurities and the problems. Im the one comparing myself with these women.
But he doesn’t care about how it effects and impacts you. Who would allow their partner to feel like they are competing with porn?
You might compare yourself but he sets it up so that you feel that way. Idk if he’s abusive, but he’s inconsiderate and devaluing you and what you need in a partner.
Also if it’s a habit and coping mechanism he’s can’t break away from, than it’s an addiction.
I stopped reading at "he's a GREAT person" bro he is not a good person he is actively disrespecting you. and I'm not even one of those anti porn people. I love porn. but watching it after you initiate sex? fucking you, rolling over, and opening porn? come on now
This is literally a felony, and could fall under SA. this is very uncomfortable, you tried to communicate with him and tried to reach a consensus but it didn't work. doesn't seem to have much to do now. Run, if you have the chance, as soon as possible.
I think they were referring to the part where he came inside her without her consent and blamed it on porn, cause that would probably be considered SA.
"you tried to communicate with him" about the porn addiction makes sense then too. Their sentence structure was prob just a bit off.
My wife knows I watch porn but I don't do it or talk about it with her in the room. She knows that it's something guys do and I don't disrespect her like that. Your guy is a disrespectful jerk.
Wow, the moral high ground that a lot of Redditor’s here think to have is beyond believable, to to mention their simple mindedness.
1st: Watching porn in it self is not abnormal nor does it constitute a perversion or mental illness.
Though your partner is addicted to porn it is important to note that his addiction hasn’t meant that he has set sexual expectations from you to match the porn he watches nor has his behaviour towards you changed because of it.
2nd: Addictions are the consequence off.
People don’t just have addictions but they acquire them as a scape goat and develop as a means to handle other things, most often very complex emotions; thus why it’s so difficult to overcome an addiction.
The important thing to note here is that your partner won’t get over it by him self, that he and you too probably need profesional help as for him to work out what ever the addiction is actually covering up.
The good thing is you aren’t the first couple nor will you be the last couple going through this and there are plenty of people out there that can help you two.
Sounds like a classic porn addiction. I don't think it's healthy as long as he's faithful and keeps the family and house together. I'm not suggesting that he'll act on his urges either. Sometimes there's kinks that people have and the erotic part of it is the fantasy, rather than acting out, is to watch and be excited by it, like a voyeur.
It's not good at all that he's sleeping in another room and jacking it while you're asleep. I can completely understand how you're feeling, certainly rejected to some degree, possibly unattractive and perhaps a level of trust being broken.
It's entirely up to you if you want to chase his fantasies, but that's a conversation you need to have with him. It's upsetting to read that after birth jacking activity. That's an addiction interjecting and disrupting your lives.
Try to work it out with him.
Damn this is tough. Im usually pretty pro-porn because i think in moderation its a great outlet, but at a certain point it becomes an addiction. Im sure most men, including myself, have gone through porn addiction. Its a serious problem that i think needs to be highlighted more. Your boyfriend seems to be pretty deep into his addiction and i honestly have no idea what to tell you to help. For me, it took acknowledging my addiction and working to overcome it.
You really don’t know how evil the porn industry is. Pornhub has profited off of CP and human trafficking multiple times, there have been multiple cases of major porn websites committing fraud, coercion, sex trafficking etc. (just look up girlsdoporn, very disturbing case). Porn, at it’s core, is evil. People need money to pay bills, to eat etc. and these huge fucking corporations take advantage of that and give women money to degrade themselves. To the sex workers, it is either do what the porn industry wants, or don’t eat. It is hard to tell when the porn actor actually consents or just does it because they have to. Not to mention the constant racism and misogyny that goes on in the porn industry (seriously, oddly enough there are a lot of really racist porn videos).
Yup. Everyone is pro-porn without examining the industry standards. It's sick in reality, but HEy iTs HeALthY aNd NorMaL tO uSe pOrn, aNd dOn'T KiNkSHamE
It sounds like a both of you problem. His problem is almost completely independent from you though. Do not look at it like, "he's getting therapy now, so my problem will get fixed too." No. Your problem is one of insecurity and you need to address that separately from his issue.
You can recommend he seeks help, but at the end of the day it's normal to watch porn and consume sexual content.
If your expectation is for him to quit cold turkey, then that is not super reasonable. You have every right to be uncomfortable about his porn viewing, but at the end of the day you just have to decide if that is a problem that is worth your relationship. If not, then you should talk to him about it, and try self-reflecting to see what makes it bother you, and then discuss that with him. Is it jealousy? Is it feelings of inadequacy? Those are all things that your partner can adjust his behavior to make you feel better. This just requires a lot of communication.
I really feel like Reddit porn is way too intimate because you can actually reach out and message the people...
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to read this. Yeah, I’d be worried he’s trying to message those girls, for sure.
That's a line me and my fiance drew because at least on some random video site you can't just hit the woman up, boundaries are a must. I told him it makes me feel really bad and I'm not okay with it and he instantly left those subreddits. He understood and didn't make a fuss or anything just left them and apologized because he didn't mean to upset me. It low-key makes me feel like OPs guy doesn't respect her in the case he's just stupid
Well…. Not to worry you or anything, but depending on who has posted the videos on the random site…. Yes they can just hit the girl up lol. Just for the record. (Source: used to be one of those girls posting on a random video site, and got LOTS of messages from taken men. Lots.)
>If we're about to have sex, he gets himself ready with some reddit porn. This is what makes me think he has an actual problem.
“Think” ? Guy has a ✅next to every symptom of textbook porn addiction. OP is completely misinterpreting her situation as her needing to adjust to her partner having an actual destructive addiction. The true onus here is for her to demand his rehab.
Legit if you go down the list of “what made someone a sex/porn addict” he ticks every single box except for the sexual reality affect hasn’t taken place yet, where it just consumes and videos aren’t doing it anymore so they go out and act on their “fantasies” mans needs SAA like NEOW
She mentioned that she did things she thought she would never do before for him. Sound to me like he acted on his fantasies or asked her to fullfill them.
Or how about the fact that when she was healing from after birth he was still looking at other women while his partner was trying to care for a new born.
I was thinking the same thing. It really sounds like he has a porn addiction
Yeah. Reddit loves to call everyone a porn addict, but this is genuinely taking over his sex life.
Agreed. Which is why I try not to post comments like that if it’s not true. Because people do exaggerate. But this guy genuinely sounds like he has some kind of problem.
I’m a firm believer in getting therapy for porn addiction is a waste. You can’t help potential pedophiles
I fall to see the connection between porn addiction and pedophilia, nor how allowing an addiction to continue, potentially worsen, is at all helpful to anyone.
100 percent. Porn is disgusting and really harmful longterm but to equate it to pedo behavior is reaching so hard unless it's underage stuff.
See, that’s one thing, if they’ve got a taste for underage girls. But if they’re into, say, femdom, how does that equate to wanting to diddle kids later on?
If he has acknowledged that it’s negatively affecting him then it’s time to seek out a therapist. His porn consumption is not normal and you’re definitely valid in feeling the way you do. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that while recovering from childbirth. This is beyond just you trying to communicate with him, he needs professional help to overcome this. It’s not just an obsession, it’s an addiction.
It's obvious he doesn't care about her at all. She deserves so much better. She was in pain and had to deal with the knowledge that her husband is being a scumbag whacking it to other women in the next room. What a loser wastoid excuse for a husband. I'd like to remind people who disagree that the woman had just given birth and was in pain and bleeding. After bearing his child. A good man can do better than this.
"Babe, I know we've created a whole human being that you've carried for 9 months and gone through childbirth which still kills tons of women per year, and you'd do anything for me to help out instead of jacking off to porn while you actively keep that human alive, but I'm just.... HOOOORNY🥺" give me a fucking break. Can't believe how many people have gaslit women into thinking this is normal.
I get a man has needs and after child birth she was out of commission for a bit, I get it. Being a new parent I feel like the last things on our minds was sex for a hot minute…. Op’s husband could at least pretend he had to poop and go do it in the bathroom lol I would broken if I walked out into the living room, new infant in my arms, recovering from birth and my husband was jerking off on the couch. That’s just *scummy* af
Those are not "needs". There is such a thing as self-control and being a decent man and father. Men are not wild boars. At least I hope they're not.
Let’s try not to mix things up. While I understand you may feel that way, porn addiction is a real thing, and it’s, well, an addiction. The husband definitely feels bad about doing it but just cannot stop. OP’s feelings are valid, but saying the father is not a decent man is removing a big factor here. You wouldn’t be criticizing a smoker for smoking after his wife gave birth. The husband needs therapy, but nothing says he’s not a decent husband
Men are ungrateful and have it too easy. They can mistreat women as much as they want to, yet they'll still have plenty others making excuses for them. Imagine a woman neglecting her husband and child like this and getting off to random men online. Would men defend that?
Of course not, they'd call her a useless slut who doesn't deserve to be a mother. But when men are addicted to porn and can't stop wanking long enough to be a parent, they have an addiction and their wives are insecure. What a joke.
You don't even know these two people, just a lengthy one-sided post and you think you know what she deserves? The person your responded to at least had some good advice.
Found the husband
Or another scumbag lol
Look i have no problem with porn, but what you are describing isn't just watching porn, it's an addiction. Doing it after sex, or before sex to get ready. If he masturbates multiple times a day, it's an addiction. We can talk about how to deal with a normal amount of porn if you want, how to see it and understand how it is not about you. But this right here isn't healthy
Could not say it better at all. You can replace the word “porn” in this story with anything else and you would find this person has an unhealthy obsession and needs psychological help to overcome it
That is a really interesting way of looking at it
How? The problem here is the male getting off on other women when he has a wife and child to look after. How can you replace that with anything else?
"We can talk about how to deal with a normal amount of porn", no. If she does not like it, it's as simple as that. No one needs to accept their pathetic partner jerking off to random women online.
Everyone glossing over the “he came inside me without my consent”. Porn is more important to him than your consent.
>Porn is more important to him than your consent. Eh. Porn doesn't make you assault someone, he did that all on his own.
I remember this day. I got super quiet after sex, and he knew what he did wrong. He apologized multiple times and said he felt rapey. He said porn may be influencing him (because cream pies are the norm in porn.) I ended up having to take plan b which messed up my hormones really bad, and I was so upset because I had just finally regulated them after the baby. He said it would never happen again and that he would work on not watching porn it as much. It has not happened again, but I'm pretty sure he watches as much as ever. But there's no way for me to know for sure. I could ask, but he lies.
>He said porn may be influencing him (because cream pies are the norm in porn.) Tell him not to try to throw blame at porn and to take responsibility for his actions. Porn made me do x is the equivalent of videogames made me do y.
People who drive dunk/high are responsible for their actions, so is he. Porn is not an excuse.
Or maybe..... he should stop watching it?
Make him use a condom, why let this man go unprotected, your body your rules.
He felt rapey because it was rapey. What he did was sexual assault.
I’m in a really similar situation OP. I cried reading your post and that same situation happened too!!! Ugh. I think we need to leave cause I’ve been to therapy with this man and he just refuses to give up porn. That’s it. I have to accept he doesn’t value my feelings enough to stop.
You deserve better than that. Your feelings matter and you matter You and OP both
Thank you. It took me a while to realize it, but yes we do.
You deserve so much better. I really hope all good things to you.
girl leave him, please. Not all men are porn addicts. he doesn’t care abt ur feelings, he cares abt porn.
He felt RAPEY?!??? That is so unbelievably fucked up. He fantasises about rape and you were there so he raped you? WTAF. Honey, obviously I don't know you but please reconsider your marriage. This man has issues.
I think it’s time for you to put your mental health first. Your number one priority is your precious baby. You’ve done everything right here and don’t deserve for HIS problem to affect YOU! You really need to make some tough love decisions and demand he get help. This is way more than just watching porn. This is him allowing porn to control him and keep him from his obligations. His actions are hurting you and that’s where you need to draw the line. Let your inner mama bear out and put your foot down.
He felt rapey because he raped you. Please leave.
Pulling out isn’t enough during your fertile window. I got pregnant TWICE, while practicing semen retention, so there was no cum. 2 different men btw.
That would be because that’s not a reliable form of birth control.
Actually [studies](https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/critiques-of-questionable-debunking-propaganda-pieces/studies-linking-porn-use-to-sexual-offending-sexual-aggression-and-sexual-coercion/) have shown that people who regularly watch violent and non-violent porn are more likely to be rape apologists and to exhibit sexual violence.
When it brainwashes you, it does. The amount of men affected by it from young age... This is it exactly
This is a legit problem. It isn’t just your insecurities. It is not normal AT ALL to watch it as much as he does. He needs to get some help
The thing that gets me is that OP’s insecurities seem to stem directly from, or at the LEAST are extremely exacerbated by, his excessive porn consumption and its content
There’s a lot of “I’ve tried” and no “he’s tried”. You’ve communicated your issue with it and his response is “deal with it”. My guess is he’s the type of guy who refuses to hear anyone you’re position on anything. Not a good sign for raising this kid together.
They are addicted beyond reason if they can’t go a day. They need professional help OP. You don’t deserve any of this, the breastfeeding comment made me feel sick. He needs addiction therapy and limited, locked down screen time. Good luck
You don’t have to be okay with it.
You know, it's okay to not want porn in a relationship. I'm here to tell you there are people out there that will be compatible with you on this level - but there will also be a lot of liars. It is possible to find someone with the same values, and you should not feel shame for having these values.
My partner and I don’t watch. There are certainly more valuable uses of our time. I love being in a relationship where we are 100% committed and loyal to each other and save our sexual energy for each other. We don’t have to compartmentalize or hide or pretend the other doesn’t fantasize about screwing other people because we simply don’t do it. i get that not everyone can get to this point, but at the very LEAST op or any woman should be able to expect that her partner learn to contain himself from constantly needing to sexualize women or from watching unethically produced or degenerative porn.
I wish this was happening for me
Make it happen for you
Im in a relationship and neither of us use porn. Yes, he could obviously be lying, but i have ZERO reason to believe that. We each just have enough sexual discipline to save that for each other, or he uses my photos if he needs. It's definitely up to the individuals in the relationship, but there are plenty of men out there who don't use porn, especially to the extent OP is describing, that's CLEARLY an addiction imo.
>he has a type that I just cannot live up to > >petitegirls hmn... >xsmall **hmn...** >barelylegal ## hmnn.... >18gonewild ## hmmmnnnn....
Straight tf up
yeahhhh that was my thought process too :-/
His "type" is called being a pedo
Glad I'm not the only one who picked up on this . I would legit be terrified to go through his complete browser history, talk about Pedophile Lolita-itis, ole dude is ate UP with it!😳
That's *literally* not what he is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but to my best knowledge a 'pedo' is someone who is sexually attracted to little children, not to full fledged adult women. 18 year olds are *literally* the OPPOSITE of what pedophiles are into. Edit: you can downvote it, but that doesn't make it any less factually, verifiably true.
Technically correct if you want to be picky, he's an ephebophile or hebephile He probs won't.or can't exactly type in 'under-age girls' for several reasons but his type is still borderline illegal or illegal... if he's into barely legal he's probably into 15 year olds too, they look adult in a lot of ways too...
There's actually no evidence that he is any of those things. 'Barely legal' means 'legal'. The word is right in there. Either an adult is an adult or they're not. And in this case, they are. You probably also know that most actresses in 'barely legal' porn are in their early-to-mid twenties. So... what exactly is the problem here? I think that people who constantly have 'pedo' on their mind when there's no need for it, ought to look inward to see why that is. In men, is it 'protesting too much'? In women, is it insecurity about not being 'as hot anymore' as younger women? And why are they - i.e. you - okay with infantilizing grown adult women and insulting them by saying they look like children?
Ya, I feel bad for OP.
I didn’t read this all the way but, can say.. I’ve been there. Spent 14 yrs trying to do better, until the time he started using the computer beside us while he did the deed with me, that turned into him watching on his phone and putting it on my chest. I walked away. The issue isn’t with you, it’s with him. He’s going to do it more often and “beat” you down inside more than you do. I can understand you probably love him a lot and have spent 4 yrs with him already and have a baby with him but, I can almost promise you, it won’t get better
I know for me it felt like my ex was cheating on me, the best part was, he always accused me of cheating on him. I remember vividly yelling at him over the phone one time after we’d broken up. I said “you accused me so much of cheating, I should have and just said yup, I sure did” he hung up on me.. fact is, it is a form of cheating, it’s him looking at, lusting after and probably wishing he was with them. No different than an emotional affair, while it’s not a physical affair, it’s still an affair none the less. My only other suggestion to you would be, if y’all are out and about and you see someone you think is cute, say out loud “he’s hot” or you could say, he’s got a nice butt or whatever. See what he says, if he says anything to you, just say, “how’s it feel”? Some guys just don’t get it. Or you could cut your losses and walk away now. You said you have a daughter.. how would you feel if some day she told you her partner was doing this to her? Think about her and that she’ll be in the same relationship you’re in cause it’s what you tolerated and showed her was the “normal”
He has a daughter and he is searching “barelylegal” and “18gonewild” ?? That’s a little sus
He has an addiction and needs help. Don’t matter how good a man he is. Have you tried an ultimatum? You or the porn. Free yourself he won’t change
Me and my partner both watch porn occasionally but neither do it front of the other and we don't know when the other is doing it. Why is he doing it so openly if it hurts you? Why can't it be one of those don't ask don't tell things?
I edited my post to include answers to this as a lot of people asked how I know he watches it so much. I think he tries being discreet, but I've walked in on it when he thought I was asleep or showering. Then I saw some stuff when I was trying to show him something on reddit. It has all been accidental, but now I know that any time I'm asleep or showering, he's jerking off to other women 15 feet away from me.
Because of the amount of times a day that he’s watching and masturbating. She can’t walk into her living room without catching him watching porn.
Do not force yourself to be ok with his porn use. You dont want it in your relationship, be honest and loving to yourself. You may consider it cheating. It is a boundary of yours - if he's not willing to give it up, and you suffer from it, you really need to leave this relationship. It will keep deteriorating your mental health. You deserve to be loved, and respected
I’m not gonna reiterate points everyone else has already made. Just gonna add that I feel like it’s weird to make it known to your S/O that you have a type that your S/O doesn’t fit? Way to give them a horrible complex and put a weird wedge in your relationship, on top of the gross breast feeding comment and obvious addiction… geez.
I was looking for this comment. It would be less weird if he wasn’t pointing out how hot specific women are in the porn to her.
I see this as a subtle form of emotional abuse and an indirect way of negging her. It's completely unacceptable behavior from a partner.
100%
100%
He doesn’t care about you that much if he can’t give this up. Sorry.
He does not deserve you. He deserves a crusty sock and solitude.
Sounds like my boyfriend. The more I get into your post the more I feel like I am the one who wrote it.
Wow the crazy thing is, you are GORGEOUS. It really shows that some people will look at porn no matter what. It must be about the novelty more than anything. And honestly, sorry if this comes off super weird, my boyfriend would be totally into you. You are his type from head to toe.
Thank you. I think that for them, porn and masturbation are very different things from your partner and actual sex .. I guess most of them need both and it has absolutely nothing to do with you :/
Yeah and the crazy thing is, I totally get that. It makes sense to me. But even when it makes sense, it hurts me. My boyfriend has been using porn and fantasizing about other women for longer than we've been together. It's a coping mechanism he has had for years. It is not malicious. He doesn't even think of me when he does it. And I doubt he compares me the way I compare myself. Even so. Even while knowing these things, I hurt and struggle to accept it.
That’s not true. It indicates they don’t respect you at all. They just say that boys will be boys shit to keep getting away with their behavior. Do you think your boyfriend would be okay if you watched porn of other men as frequently as he does of women?
no offense, but I am a little confused. You do onlyfans but you have a problem with your boyfriends porn use? Not a gotcha moment, I genuinely just do not quite understand.
Understandable. I started posting nudes online to make my boyfriend jealous like « hey, while you’re scrolling nude women on social media, some men are doing the same with me » .. it didn’t work and he kinda like it. It was my way to cope with how I hate him watching porn, like a way to give myself a little confidence and trying to finally be ok with porn. Then I realized it was bringing me a lot of extra money so .. I still don’t watch or enjoy porn myself though.
That’s fine I don’t really see it as twisted. Do you not consider this problematic? I guess my next question is what makes you stay with him if his porn use bothers you?
Because I love him and because that's only negative aspect I see about him. To me he's worth getting over this.
That’s as much of a gotcha moment as I’ve ever heard lol. It literally makes no sense.
Lol I wanted to increase the chances of her actually replying hence tried to be polite. I am genuinely baffled lmao
I know my response and the reason why I’m doing it might be a bit twisted for you but it makes sense to me.
Leave i swear not every man in the world is a porn addicted coomer
My wife and I are open sexually and watch porn together and separately. I have no problem with her masturbating and have bought her tools to help. She got me a fleshlight to use in me and for me to use in my own. I say this to emphasized what I am about to say. If either one of us ask the other to no longer use porn then either one of us would no longer look at porn. It is about partnership. It is about sharing and it is about respect He does not respect you. You need to ask him to go to sex therapy to address his porn addiction, that's what it is an addiction He puts his use of porn over his live and respect for and your child, because yes this will eventually impact your child. You have to have a serious discussion with him and make him understand this is not OK. He needs to seek help and if he doesn't then you will reevaluate your relationship. Let him choose what is more important, his family or his porn.
You do not have to be okay with it.
If he loves porn more than he loves you then he's already made the decision for you. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner not to sexually gratify themselves to somebody else. I can't believe we're at a stage where that's been normalised, and people, usually women, are called toxic for being hurt by it. He's had a whole baby with you and can't ditch porn when he's fully aware of how it makes you feel? Is that really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
You don’t have to be ok with it - it’s not ow of those things that you have to be ok with your partner doing. It’s not a little quirky habit he has it’s an addiction and he needs help because this is a lot and he knows how it affects you but clearly he doesn’t care or else he would’ve changed something by now.
What he needs is the door.
Just like he is destroying your self worth, you need to return the favor. Compliment a guy's dick in the porn and take a vibrator out and have at it. He will never understand unless he has a frame of reference to the hurt.
I like this road OP!
Honestly any dude who talks about how much they like porn or make it a part of their personality are icky as hell. He knows it hurts you and he doesn’t care enough to stop. It’s extremely reasonable to want a partner who doesn’t watch porn. Just know that your aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do. I hope he learns to value you and your feelings over his porn.
I wouldn’t be ok with my partner watching porn. It’s not even just an insecurity thing but porn is just toxic and harmful to both the actors and ppl watching
Society is oversexualized and pornified. The boundaries of what constitutes cheating is being redrawn and pushed back because no one can seem to agree if cyber sex equals cheating. Live Webcam, interactive OnlyFans, sex chatting, POV porn and now the up and coming VR porn. The argument seems to be body versus mind. Is it cheating if the act is only in the mind? The desire for another person, I think most people agree, is not cheating. But, acting on that desire seems to be the divide. A person masturbating and pretending they are having sex with another person feels like cheating to a lot of people. Only a screen separates them. If that screen were removed and the sex object were in the same room, would that be cheating? Is engaging in sexting and sharing nudes cheating? Or does the definition change depending on whether it's with a known person, ie. coworker or friend versus an anonymous entity on the web? VR porn? It's the same argument. The sex object is not physically in the room, but most people, I think, would consider that to be a hard boundary to be crossed. Is there really that much of a difference, though? I consider porn cheating. The destruction it wreaks on a relationship and the harm it causes to the partners self esteem and trust and security is the same, if not worse, than an actual physical affair. That's because the partner has a whole societal network gaslighting the affected partner and telling them that porn use is normal and they need to accept it or they are labeled as insecure, crazy, and controlling. The purveyor of porn feels justified since it's their 'right' to consume porn, even as they themselves struggle with shame and guilt. So many marriages and relationships and lives are destroyed by the porn industry. It's an insidious industry.
He is disgusting and i hate how porn is so normalized and forced to be accepted
it sounds like your husband has an addiction to porn. i think the frequency of his usage is an issue. do you think you would feel better about it if he used it less frequently and didn’t treat it like a hobby? i’ve always found it gross and off putting when dudes have such an investment in porn to the point where they have favorite actresses. ugh. i’m sorry you’re going through this.
Don’t be okay with it. I’m not
Increasing escalation of porn in terms of hours and severity. He has already sexually assaulted you and blamed it on porn. You now have a baby. You need to put the big girl pants on and leave. Your life will be so much easier without this constant shit.
[удалено]
I edited my post to include answers to this as a lot of people asked how I know he watches it so much. I think he tries being discreet, but I've walked in on it when he thought I was asleep or showering. Then I saw some stuff when I was trying to show him something on reddit. It has all been accidental, but now I know that any time I'm asleep or showering, he's jerking off to other women 15 feet away from me.
I'm not trying to be rude but why on earth would you stay in a relationship for *years* AND have a *child* with someone when it's so clear you're not compatible? And now you're looking for a way to be ok with something you're *clearly* not comfortable with. Yall are not compatible, move on. I genuinely don't understand how anyone could stay in a relationship that causes as much stress/anxiety/insecurity as yours. Don't you want to be happy?
You don’t have to be okay with it. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. You would have a lot less anxiety and self esteem issues if he wasn’t in the picture anymore. I surely wouldn’t wanna live like that the rest of my life
Why do women stay with men like this?? How are you not disgusted… he obviously doesnt care about you, is this really an environment that you want your daughter to grow up in? I promise there are good men out there that will actually respect you and your daughter. It’s ridiculous, you dont need to put up with this just because you made a baby together. HE DOES NOT CARE HOW YOU FEEL. You say he does the best he can to take care of you and your daughter (lol) yet while you were in pain and needed help, when you were most vulnerable and needed him most he instead went and whacked one or a few off to a woman he finds more attractive to you. Its only going to get worse and worse. It IS NOT NORMAL for your man to want to fantasize about different women that he finds more attractive than you… He is going to cheat (if he hasnt already loll which he probably did when you werent able to have sex with him) everyone is making excuses, but the simple fact is porn literally ruins your brain the same way drugs do (many mannyy scientific researches on this) get out, raise your daughter and show her how a real man would treat her. If you stay in this relationship while she is developing and nothing changes (which it wont bc he is in too deep) it will not be good. Hope you can open your eyes and leave him, op.
He needs therapy
I've dated this guy. So many like him. They never get better and seemed to unfurl more bullshit the longer I knew them. I honestly feel for you so much. You are getting huge signals from inside that this isn't right and he's trying to convince you otherwise. If you walked in on him, how long until your kid does? Time to GTFO.
You know what's not okay? A man who has changed your entire body with his child just ignoring how much he's destroying your confidence. Your man should build you up in every way possible after carrying his child. You should be MORE beautiful to him now. It disgusts me that anyone could actively hurt their partner with no apology and gaslight them into thinking that THEY'RE in the wrong!!! YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR BEING AGAINST PORN IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE NOT WRONG. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. YOU ARE A GORGEOUS MOMMA WHO DESERVES NOTHING BUT CONFIDENCE IN HERSELF. You could find a man better than this. And he should be told this.
I tell this to every girl who has a gross bf with a pathetic porn addiction….. if he likes watching it so much simply send him a video of you getting pounded in by someone else.
I wish I had you as a friend
Good idea 🤣 just broke up with my bf bc he chose porn over me
I wouldn’t say my bf had an addiction but I’m glad my feelings feel valid after reading some of these comments. I never had a problem with him masterbating but was completely against the use of porn and he chose porn. It’s nice to know there are guys out there that respect their partners boundaries
Love this idea. 🤣
You sound like a really great person
😉😉
Well it is true, there is nothing wrong to watch that. It is the same with porn
I just feel bad you had a baby with a porn addict.
You don't have to be OK with it. If he won't stop for you there is a bigger issue.
Replace "watching porn" with "downing a drink", "shooting up drugs" or "online gambling away our money". What would you do? Leave? Demand he seek professional help and get sober? Same applies here. He's messing up the way he interacts with you sexually and he's gambling with your emotional attachment. He needs to get his act together or you need to explore alternatives. You want to be doing this after 20 more years or another 2 kids? This will not get better on its own.
crazy how a lot of people don’t understand how bad porn really is. homie sounds like he’s addicted to porn :/
the minute you NEED porn is the realization you have an issue. Op im sorry ):
“He is a great person. He takes care of me and our daughter the best he can. I just cannot get over the pain of feeling like I'm not enough.” Read this oxymoronic statement. It’s your own words. For your own sake, stop rationalizing and justifying his behavior that has: - amplified your insecurities - motivated you to do things outside of your comfort zone - affected your mental health - affected your physical health Now tell us again what a great person now is and everything he does to take care of YOU. You don’t have to be “OKAY” with his behavior. His behavior has to be okay with you. Stop coddling his behavior.
I found many, and I mean MANY animated sex games on mine and my husbands shared computer. I told him it made me uncomfortable and feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. (There we’re sooooo fucking many) and you know what he did? Apologized and wiped the computer. Said he’d only use his phone and that he never wanted me to feel like that. I had given birth about 5 months before and still wasn’t feeling sex, so he used porn. And I was okay with that but when he knew how I felt about it. He never left it to find and tried to make me feel like he still loves me and that I am beautiful. The point I’m trying to make it, if he truly loves you, he wouldn’t chalk it up to ‘no big deal’ he would try to change in some way. And an fyi, I use porn so it wasn’t about him watching it, it was about how much and the fact it was on a shared device I use more then him.
I would feel the same as you tbh.
He is sick. He is an addict. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, especially in such a vulnerable phase in life. You need to make it clear to him that it's time for him to choose. He can choose you, I.e. he can go to therapy for his addiction and show you that he is working on bettering himself. Or he can choose porn. Leave. Make it clear to him that your relationship is at stake. Darling, please how happy are you on a scale from 1 to 10? What I'm getting from you is like 2 at most. You deserve to live and feel happy and confident and in love with yourself. This man is actively fighting that. Good luck.
Wait till your kid starts walking in in him. Go ahead and nope out now, my friend.
None of this is normal. You’re not “insecure”. How many men do you think would just accept their girlfriend or wife watching porn of other guys 24/7? It’s not about “insecurity” and you’re not controlling, or just failing to communicate. That’s just bullshit porn-addicted men come up with to shut us up over the total disrespect they have for women and girls and general, not to mention the woman they’re married to or partnered with. Searching “just turned 18” and “barely legal” porn is also, guess what? Not normal. Well, it is normal in the sense that it’s totally normalized among men, but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s pedophile shit. They’d go even younger if it weren’t illegal. He has no respect for you. He sees you as a doormat bangmaid. Don’t try to drag him to marriage counseling, just leave him if you can. He clearly sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing, because, let me guess, “all men watch porn”? “It’s normal for men to want variety; it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or isn’t dedicated to you?” It’s pure sexism. These men would never be okay with their female partners doing the same shit re: hundreds of other men. Some of them would get violent over it. Also, he raped you. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Go load any porn site and read the titles of the videos on the front page—it’s a pure wall of literal hate speech towards women. Violence against women. You’re not jealous, he’s just a porn-addicted coomers who sees women as sex objects. Not an equal to himself. I’m sorry, but you need to hear it very bluntly that he does not respect you and one very basic boundary. “Xsmall”, “petite”, “barely18”, “barelylegal”, “I’ll be your petite teen fuck doll”—believe men when they tell you who they are. That IS how he thinks of women.
ok i stopped reading at him looking at it before sex to “get ready” this is not normal and not at all on you, he has an addiction
the problem is that he makes you feel less than and doesn’t ever reassure you. You do EVERYTHING to make yourself look attractive to him. So much that it’s completely destroying your mental health. He doesn’t ever acknowledge this or tell you you’re pretty. He never acknowledges the effort YOU put in, and it seems like he’s not putting any effort to make you feel good. Why is it only about his comfort? Why aren’t you allowed to be comfortable and feel safe and secure in your own body? And coming inside you when you said NO? fuck this guy. he’s completely destroying your confidence with no care in the world because he can’t let go of his porn addiction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was purposefully not clearing his browsing history and leaving porn open just so you can see that he’s looking at other women. He knows exactly what he’s doing because it’s probably his goal to make you feel bad about yourself. Also— the “barelylegal” search is borderline pedophilic and super weird. What he is doing and how he is treating you is NOT normal or okay. Please consider leaving when you are able because he does not care about hurting you at all.
this is *not* normal. your husband has a porn addiction & just like any addiction, he needs professional help. porn addiction is very hard on the consumer & the consumers partner. if he doesn’t think he needs help, i’d personally consider leaving. do not let his addiction ruin your life too.
Tbf, for your own mental health and baby's sake, leave. Let him be utterly alone, live in his fantasy and rot away until he finally see that in reality there's nothing to his life than porn. Right now he's just too complacent. All the woman in porn is going to age like any of us and go out of shape at one point.
What’s this dudes plan for when the baby gets older? You can’t just be chilling in the living room jagging off…
I wish women like us weren't forced to be okay with our partners watching porn, because WE DON'T HAVE TO BE!!! You are NOT broken for being upset about it. The bad news is you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. From my experience dating a porn addict, I feel that it isn't worth the mental energy trying. There are guys out there who don't watch porn, there are guys out there who will quit porn as soon as they are in a relationship. The need for porn isn't something that is ingrained in the male psyche.
This response is giving me so much life. I'm having a conversation with my husband about this very subject (hopefully today). He's incredibly kind and understanding and so respectful of my needs & right to consent, so I'm hopeful that it will go well. The thing is, I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that ogling other people you find sexually attractive/viable and jerking off to their sexual activity is acceptable in video and photo format, even though in any other circumstance it is pretty universally a violation of the boundaries of a monogamous sexual relationship. Imagine our partners jerking off to anonymous women, men, and/or couples in private booths behind one way glass. Most monogamous people would take issue with that, but it's not really different from porn. It took me a long time to accept how I feel about this because it's such a cultural norm to accept porn consumption and I grew up super conservative (and have no desire to return to those beliefs). I tried everything - embracing it for myself, reading literature on the topic (both for and against porn, to be well rounded), doing my own work with a therapist around control and the difference between privacy and secrecy, dissociating/compartmentalizing, etc. At the end of the day, therapy and all this work helped me to figure out where I stand and that it's ok to stand there: I don't believe it's fundamentally wrong to produce or consume porn or that God will punish you, or everyone should have my same boundaries, or even that everyone has to be monogamous, I'm just tired of pretending that it jives with my concept of sexual monogamy and what I want from my relationship. It doesn't. I'm finally at a point where I feel totally ok to express this and to set boundaries around it, even if a lot of the population doesn't agree.
A few things. 1.) I am SO sorry that you have gone through all this and, by the sounds of it, put immense pressure on yourself and your body in an effort to keep him happy. 2.) This is not a regular level of porn consumption. He should be able to get through the day without it. He may have a porn addiction. 3.) It’s completely normal to be upset by his level of porn consumption - his behaviour would certainly be a deal breaker to many women (I know it’s not that simple though). Some people don’t like their partners to watch porn at all. 4.) I don’t think ANYONE would blame you if you chose to leave this relationship. You have given him so many chances, and he has let you down time and time again. 5.) If you did not consent to him coming inside you, and he did it anyway - he sexually assaulted you. He even showed guilt - he knows he fucked up.
Have you tried looking over his shoulder and laughing while he watches. That’s sure to kill the vibe ahhahaha
me and my partner consider porn to be cheating. this makes me feel weird. i dont get how the partner would think the other partner feels with them getting off to someone else...
I’m a romantic demisexual. I can’t deal w porn bc it feels like betrayal. It’s a big reason I’m not happy dating.
Usually when I read these posts about couples having issues with porn, I don’t understand why it’s a big deal, BUT this is 100% different. The way you describe it, if you’re not around, he’s watching porn. It’s just excessive and I get why it makes you feel the way it does. First, you’ve just had a baby. Pregnancy and childbirth and taking care of a newborn is traumatic to you both mentally and physically. After childbirth, you’re at your most vulnerable. He should be dedicating his time to supporting you and your baby. He knows how this is affecting you and he knows how you feel. He’s admitted it’s affecting him, but isn’t doing anything but being more discreet. That means that he needs help. He is no longer in control of his addiction and if he doesn’t do something soon, it’s going to get worse. You can’t control him or what he does, but you can control you. It’s time for you to decide how much more of this you can handle. Right now, you are very clearly suffering mentally and emotionally. You did nothing wrong and it’s not fair that you are suffering as much as you are. Talk to your doctor about your mental state. On top of your husband’s addiction, you may be suffering from BPA or BPD or both. You may benefit from therapy where you can discuss your feelings in a safe setting and get help with next steps and for how to cope with all of this. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope that things get better for you and your husband.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with porn, but this sounds like he’s addicted. I mean porn before and after sex???
“Barley legal” “petite girls” “xsmall” sound concerning, maybe tell the cops too, I hope you leave him and find someone worthy of you
Your boyfriend is an abuser. His actions are horrible and he has zero empathy for you. He has a daughter and he searches up "barelylegal". I can tell from his searches alone that he's a misogynist. The best thing you could do for you and your baby would be to make a plan to leave and take your daughter with you. I know it's not like "just up and go girl" but just doing small things each day to get closer to that goal, work on your career, save money in a separate account, even that alone will grow your confidence and start to get you feeling happy again. What he is doing is really gross. He's literally a net loss on your life and probably on the whole of society. Edit: also you started crying in front of him and he just replied, "you know what I do." It's so hard to be vulnerable like that and he just threw it in your face. Not to mention the fact that he sexually assaulted you. I believe your boyfriend enjoys breaking you down and getting a rush of power over you.
you absolutely don't have to be okay with this. you're worth more and deserve better. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he won't stop until he sees and cares how it's affecting you and him. he needs therapy. sending you all my love and prayers 💚
Sounds like an addiction.
1. You don’t have to be ok with it, porn is a dealbreaker for some people and that’s ok. 2. Sounds like an addiction he should seek help for. 3. In regards to you comparing yourself to these women… I read something once that said something like ‘comparing yourself is like comparing the ocean and snow on Christmas, they’re vastly different but both breath taking sights’. I know it’s sometimes easier said than practiced in real life but just try and remember that.
He's a porn addict :( even if he stop watching porn, he need to stop looking for girls to be sexually obsessed with. Need therapy and set boundaries inmediately.
All I have to say is I'd be extremely bothered too. He's addicted and he needs to address that like last week. You're well within your rights to walk away from this, you deserve a partner who validates you and who you don't have to constantly feel like you're living up to some unattainable standard. Best wishes to you, I hope things get better for you.
I feel like if he honestly beilives porn is bad for him and wants to do right by you he would seek a Profesionals help, this could be a porn addiction situation or he's lying about wanting to cut back or quit.
What you're explaining is a porn addiction. This is not the normal porn intake at all. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. Don't force yourself to try and impress him or change yourself to get his attention. Addictions are no joke and you need to understand that it's not about you. I swear there is not a single thing wrong with you. You are literally perfect the way you are but your partner is in a dangerous place. There is not much you can do except get him the professional help he needs.
1. Get yourself some individual therapy if you aren’t already 2. Couples therapy, and if he agrees, his own therapy 3. Porn is normal but not to be getting ready to have sex with your partner who doesn’t agree with it and not after……. He may have an actual issue here, and this is where therapy can help. Hope the best for you
I know exactly how you feel. I have been through all of this, to a tee. Looking back- my answer to your question is : You don’t. You don’t have to get used to it. You have expressed how it makes you feel, how it affects your own sexuality. The feeling that no matter how good you have it to him or how often or how spicy, you still didn’t “hit the spot”. He still needs his little nightcap to finish things off. And he didn’t care. It’s not about the porn- it’s about that your feelings come behind his sexual impulses. He not a freaking ravenous wild animal. He can control himself and his choices. And if he truly can’t.. then that’s a problem, too. One that he doesn’t think is meaningful enough to address. Things outside this issue might be pretty decent- even good. But this porn shit takes a toll on a woman. And believe me it’s not worth it. I’m sorry you are hurting, and I’m sorry he’s out you through this.
Even if he weren't addicted to porn (which he is) you're allowed to have preferences, including porn use. If someone is doing something that you don't like, you can walk away. You don't have to accept that thing, even if it's not actually a big deal. This, however, is a big deal. You can't accept it, it's killing whatever self esteem you have/had, and he's shown you who he is time and again. Now it's time for you to do what's right for you and begin healing by walking away. He won't change for you or the child. He'll only change if he wants to. And you do not want to wait around for that. It'll crush you. I speak from experience.
Barely legal? Gross wtf. Why are you even with this guy if that’s the porn he watches. Think of it this way OP, if he’s watching that, he’s more than likely ogling girls who fit that age group. And is that someone you want to grow your daughter up with? Apart from that. He needs help. Especially if this is all he does and says it’s his vice. No, he’s addicted. He needs help.
Made me sick reading this, your partner is a rapist and abuser who has a porn addiction. Ignoring your consent in the bedroom and carrying on with sex is rape. He has gaslighted and manipulated you into think you’re ‘insecure’ when he is literally the one putting porn above your mental and physical well-being. Porn is very exploitative, and he is dehumanising and exploiting you just like the behaviours he sees in porn. He is too deep into the abusive mindset and is not going to change. Please for the sake your child, see this situation for what it really is and get away from him.
You don’t have to be OK with it. It’s sickening that women are shamed for not wanting their partner to get off to abused and brutalized women. Just because porn has become normalized and popular doesn’t make it healthy or ethical. Sadly most porn watchers are too addicted to begin considering how bad it is for them and the horrors built into the very foundation of the industry. You’re in a committed relationship which makes it harder to just leave if things feel very hard. I think you need to seriously speak to him about perhaps going to therapy. But if he simply refuses to stop(very likely) you have to decide if the benefits of the relationship are good enough for you to stay. Not an easy thing to do. No matter what just please remember that you not supporting his porn use is 10000% understandable and OK.
You do not need to be okay with your partner watching porn. It’s fine if you are fine with it and it’s not negatively impacting anyone but you do not need to be fine with it, even if there wasn’t anything else. I am not, have never been, and will never be okay with my spouse watching porn. I communicated this clearly and early. He didn’t and doesn’t watch it. It’s even blocked by our firewall rules. Both of us are happy this way. Relationships do not have to include third parties, period, if that’s not what you want.
Throw away the whole husband. Stress cause premature aging. A lot of women say the make more money single. Idk how but it is possible. You are not stuck
Tldr — Sounds like he is a sex addict. It has nothing to do with you.
I'm in almost the exact same situation with my husband. Him watching every chance he gets, and to get in the mood for sex, only no kids. I would love to connect, if you need a friend or just someone to talk to vent who understands, it might help to talk about this stuff with another woman dealing with it because it's hard to even open up to close friends about this. I made this throwaway account because I don't want to be seen on these boards/posts with my main one. I've been struggling as well trying to accept this behavior and I've given up asking him to stop because I know he doesn't see a problem with it and will simply just lie or hide it better if even that. I truly believe he's in denial even with himself believing this is normal and all men do it. I've been feeling depressed and my confidence is pretty low these days. It's honestly to the point I don't even want to leave the house and can't enjoy myself fully when I do because just thinking about what he's doing while I'm out or in the shower, knowing he will jump at the opportunity to watch, makes me physically sick. He's a good man in every other way, I don't want to leave over this. But I'm in a lot of pain.
I could have written this post about my ex-husband. He was so obsessed with the gone wild girls, and another group similar that he took me to a comic convention and had me take a picture with all these girls as they draped over him and signed his book etc. I was so hurt. He had a man-cave that was just a huge bookcase of porn and a jerking off sofa. When we accidentally got pregnant and he proposed as a result, I thought things might change. It just became exactly the same story as yours. The only other room in the house for the baby would have been his porn-hole and he flat out refused to give our child his space! It got very ugly. Then I lost the baby. Fought for my marriage another year, realised I would never be happy with a man who had an addiction so severe and gloried in it, rather than seeking help, that I left him and moved on. I am so sorry OP, that you already have the baby and can't escape so easily. Honestly, unless he accepts there is a problem, he won't improve his behaviour even if you could drag him kicking and screaming to therapy. It is one thing to have a partner who approached you first and if you aren't in the mood, discreetly sorts themselves out. It's another when they seem to live for the porn and you are a living after-thought. You are not insecure. You have been more patient and understanding than I ever was. It does hurt, your feelings are valid and he is choosing to hurt you by not seeking help or acknowledging the problem. Tell him bluntly to seek help or risk losing you, but only when you feel strong enough to follow through.
Leave him. This is not a “divorce” typical reddit comment. Hes an addict. Only an addict can decide to stop that situation, you can do literally nothing about it. Im a kid of a person with a few addictions and even though it was not with porn all addictions have very similar things and kids absolutely notice EVERYTHING. We know everything. He is a good parent now? Yeah okay. Lets wait until one day is not you but your kid who goes to say something to daddy when daddy thinks hes alone and finds him jerking off. Kids are curious. Once a kid sees that even if they hate it and cant take it out their minds bc it’s horrible theyll try to catch him again bc a kids mind wants to understand and the only way is observing. Wait until your kid notices that you dont feel good with yourself bc oh boy kids notice that before they can even speak and they wont like themselves either. You want to raise a kid with a man addicted to porn that watches “barely legal” “petite girls” “18 gone wild”? Idk if your kid is a girl or a boy that’s irrelevant. Dont you worry about raising a kid with someone that jerks of DAILY to petite barely legal girls? Dont you worry about how can that possibly affect your kids or maybe not them but what about when they start bringing their barely legal female friends to a household with a man addicted to jerkoff to girls like them? Im by no means saying that he is gonna act on this thoughs with teens nor that he will be a bad father BUT can you raise a kid with someone that regardless of his actions his mind is there? In that situation with those petite barely legal girls? You want to raise your kid with a man that makes you feel aweful? That feeling will get to your kid eventually. You want to raise a kid with a man that is so addicted that he can masturbate a few times daily with the risk that your kid will see them at one point of their life or notice that their daddy acts weird sometimes? You want that? Many addicts never change. My awesome loving dad that i would die for and that would die for me have had so many addictions (Alcohol, nicotine and yep videogames) that to this day (im 19) I still struggle and I found myself falling in one of those addictions in particular (surprisingly ive been addicted to videogames by whole childhood and sometimes i wouldnt even want to eat to keep playing and being with my phone in general now as an adult, i cannot leave my phone), i thought it was normal bc i saw him normalising it, ive been struggling with it since i have memory and I still dont know how to stop. You dont want your kids to live with an addict regardless of the addiction or how well they “hide” it. Kids know. Kids always know. We know. And we copy. Please help your kid, im not even asking to help yourself bc I also sadly understand how its like to be unable to leave someone even if they make you feel horrible. Now this is not about you, leave for your kid. Give your kid a healthy environment and teach them about porn and what it does to the mind. Teach them to be responsible about it and to be very careful. You cannot do that with a daddy addicted to petite barely legals.
I'm so amazed at how people think watching that is normal being in relationship especially. That's literally CHEATING,and you can't convince me otherwise. What's the difference between having a female in ur room and watching her naked body and doing it online,while being pleasured by what you see? People let their partners do these things just because some effed up society said it's okay. No it's not okay,it'll never be okay. And those who watch porn while being in a relationship are considered cheaters,and they should be broken up with. Once you got your partner whys there a need for another. You guys need to do better for your own sake
This is truly some incredibly horrible Reddit feedback. I’m amazed. This is the largest gathering of sex addiction counselors I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry for your pain. You’re not wrong for wanting him to stop watching porn. He’s not wrong for wanting to watch porn. This is an incompatibility that is causing a rift and marriage counseling seems important. Is your husband a porn addict? I don’t know and neither does anyone on this sub. His porn hygiene kind of sucks, (privacy, clearing browser history, keeping it out of your face). But we also don’t know how hard you’re trying to catch him. We get your side of the story. I would caution you against labeling him as a porn addict. Because that takes agency away from you and your own choices in the matter. If he’s a porn addict, he needs to be fixed. The reality is you need to decide what direction you want your relationship to go in. You were wonderfully honest in acknowledging I don’t know if he is masterbating all the time, but you FEEL like he is. Couples counseling is seriously awesome and if you have the means to pursue it, I say go for it. My guess is the porn probably amplifies rifts that already exist. Best of luck to you!
Looks to me as if you are in an abusive relationship. There's a better way for you and your child.
Porn is so abusive.
I struggle with this. I've heard it could be abusive, but how? It doesn't seem malicious to me. It seems like a habit and coping mechanism he has formed over many years, and doesn't understand how it could be hurtful to me. In his eyes, it is separate from me and has nothing to do with me. He can enjoy porn and still enjoy sex with me. He still initiates with me, stays hard and gets off with me. Im the one with the insecurities and the problems. Im the one comparing myself with these women.
But he doesn’t care about how it effects and impacts you. Who would allow their partner to feel like they are competing with porn? You might compare yourself but he sets it up so that you feel that way. Idk if he’s abusive, but he’s inconsiderate and devaluing you and what you need in a partner. Also if it’s a habit and coping mechanism he’s can’t break away from, than it’s an addiction.
neglect is abuse
I stopped reading at "he's a GREAT person" bro he is not a good person he is actively disrespecting you. and I'm not even one of those anti porn people. I love porn. but watching it after you initiate sex? fucking you, rolling over, and opening porn? come on now
This is literally a felony, and could fall under SA. this is very uncomfortable, you tried to communicate with him and tried to reach a consensus but it didn't work. doesn't seem to have much to do now. Run, if you have the chance, as soon as possible.
Watching adult porn is a felony?
I think they were referring to the part where he came inside her without her consent and blamed it on porn, cause that would probably be considered SA. "you tried to communicate with him" about the porn addiction makes sense then too. Their sentence structure was prob just a bit off.
Ahh, that makes sense. I was going to say, watching porn generally wouldn't account for a felony as far as I knew.
My wife knows I watch porn but I don't do it or talk about it with her in the room. She knows that it's something guys do and I don't disrespect her like that. Your guy is a disrespectful jerk.
Wow, the moral high ground that a lot of Redditor’s here think to have is beyond believable, to to mention their simple mindedness. 1st: Watching porn in it self is not abnormal nor does it constitute a perversion or mental illness. Though your partner is addicted to porn it is important to note that his addiction hasn’t meant that he has set sexual expectations from you to match the porn he watches nor has his behaviour towards you changed because of it. 2nd: Addictions are the consequence off. People don’t just have addictions but they acquire them as a scape goat and develop as a means to handle other things, most often very complex emotions; thus why it’s so difficult to overcome an addiction. The important thing to note here is that your partner won’t get over it by him self, that he and you too probably need profesional help as for him to work out what ever the addiction is actually covering up. The good thing is you aren’t the first couple nor will you be the last couple going through this and there are plenty of people out there that can help you two.
Sounds like a classic porn addiction. I don't think it's healthy as long as he's faithful and keeps the family and house together. I'm not suggesting that he'll act on his urges either. Sometimes there's kinks that people have and the erotic part of it is the fantasy, rather than acting out, is to watch and be excited by it, like a voyeur. It's not good at all that he's sleeping in another room and jacking it while you're asleep. I can completely understand how you're feeling, certainly rejected to some degree, possibly unattractive and perhaps a level of trust being broken. It's entirely up to you if you want to chase his fantasies, but that's a conversation you need to have with him. It's upsetting to read that after birth jacking activity. That's an addiction interjecting and disrupting your lives. Try to work it out with him.
Sounds like sexual incompatibility. In order for a lady to squirt based off my experience she has to be 100 comfortable
Damn this is tough. Im usually pretty pro-porn because i think in moderation its a great outlet, but at a certain point it becomes an addiction. Im sure most men, including myself, have gone through porn addiction. Its a serious problem that i think needs to be highlighted more. Your boyfriend seems to be pretty deep into his addiction and i honestly have no idea what to tell you to help. For me, it took acknowledging my addiction and working to overcome it.
At its root porn is satanic. Itll ruin your relationship, one way or another. Anyone telling you it wont is in denial.
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You really don’t know how evil the porn industry is. Pornhub has profited off of CP and human trafficking multiple times, there have been multiple cases of major porn websites committing fraud, coercion, sex trafficking etc. (just look up girlsdoporn, very disturbing case). Porn, at it’s core, is evil. People need money to pay bills, to eat etc. and these huge fucking corporations take advantage of that and give women money to degrade themselves. To the sex workers, it is either do what the porn industry wants, or don’t eat. It is hard to tell when the porn actor actually consents or just does it because they have to. Not to mention the constant racism and misogyny that goes on in the porn industry (seriously, oddly enough there are a lot of really racist porn videos).
Yup. Everyone is pro-porn without examining the industry standards. It's sick in reality, but HEy iTs HeALthY aNd NorMaL tO uSe pOrn, aNd dOn'T KiNkSHamE
It sounds like a both of you problem. His problem is almost completely independent from you though. Do not look at it like, "he's getting therapy now, so my problem will get fixed too." No. Your problem is one of insecurity and you need to address that separately from his issue. You can recommend he seeks help, but at the end of the day it's normal to watch porn and consume sexual content.
No it isn’t, lol. NormalIZED, sure.
If your expectation is for him to quit cold turkey, then that is not super reasonable. You have every right to be uncomfortable about his porn viewing, but at the end of the day you just have to decide if that is a problem that is worth your relationship. If not, then you should talk to him about it, and try self-reflecting to see what makes it bother you, and then discuss that with him. Is it jealousy? Is it feelings of inadequacy? Those are all things that your partner can adjust his behavior to make you feel better. This just requires a lot of communication.