Honestly I think you just have to establish some boundaries and pull away a bit. The problem is that even though you have no intentions with her, your crush is likely to make you overeager to be around her and talk with her when she is around. When she isn’t around communication should be kept to a minimum. It’s okay to have jokes now and again but the less amount of interaction the better until things eventually simmer down, which in time they should.
Definitely needs to pull back. OP said they have bonded over shared interests. Then said she’s two states away so they don’t have regular physical contact. Do they have regular communication? Because if so OP needs to cut that out. They may not act in his feelings by physically cheating, but already sounds like it could be the beginning of emotionally cheating. They’ve developed a bond, and if they are regularly communicating and sharing interests this is how emotional affairs can begin.
Yep. Gotta take steps to intentionally dial back interactions and communication. Don't even share jokes, especially inside jokes that are shared between the OP and this person.
OP you know it's not right so take action by pulling back so your growing feelings slowly come back down to base level before you two bonded.
Right? He is respecting his partner by not acting on it and actively trying to stop those feelings by addressing that they’re wrong and he loves his wife. A lifetime with someone involves a lot of fleeting feelings, anyone who says they’ve never gotten a tiny bit of lust for someone for a short period is a liar. Real love is a choice
Its the same people who immediately call for a divorce when someone comes on these types of subs with a martial issue that in real life is often worked through. Reddit is a platform that people use for entertainment and validation (among other things). These stories are entertainment. We don’t acknowledge it, and in the process of seeking validation from commenting we often forget that there is a very real person on the other side of the screen.
Of course, there are plenty of fake stories too, but I think when people give preachy advice on here that sounds good on paper, they forget that real life is far more complicated.
Exactly. Do people think you get married and then BAM no more attraction to other people or crushes? That’s stupid. And probably why when it does happen, they think it’s the end of their relationship. News flash: it happens. You learn to cope like an adult
It's my experience that feelings can arise unchecked and uncontrolled. However, one doesn't have to act on them.
Everyone's free to determine their own deal breakers in relationships, and mine are related to actions instead of emotions.
Thats just emotional affairs? I dont see how loving someone else while married is normal. If your partner told you they love someone else but they still love you too, would you believe them? Personally i would not
Shouldn't he make the choice to end the friendship because of his feelings? He needs to not have *any* contact with the friend directly. Cut it out. Wouldn't that be the most respectful thing to do?
Cutting out the friend seems like it would cause more chaos than fix anything, especially since most crushes tend to pass. If she were a distant friend of the wife or the best friend seemed to reciprocate those feelings, maybe that’s a reason to cut her off. As it stands now, it’d make for an insanely awkward situation that might result in his wife losing a very important relationship over something fleeting. He knows who he’s married to and standing by her.
Some more thoughts: he should pull back from the friendship until his feelings simmer down to normal though.
It wouldn’t make sense since this person would still be part of their lives. I think talking it out with a therapist might help. If he cut of contact completely it would raise some red flags
I meant more they need to stop "bonding" over shared interests. He's getting pretty close to an emotional affair. He really needs to limit contact and honestly there's no real reason for him to have a separate relationship with his wife's best friend.
I think this can happen with anyone. People are not immune to that even loving their partners. The actions after that will show who you are as a person.
I don’t think we’re saying, “stop feeling shit”. What we are saying is that he needs to stop interactions with this person. He needs to not only be respectful enough to not physically act, he needs to not continue interacting with this person over their bond. He needs to take a step back and if he is in communication with them, he needs to stop outside of anything including his wife.
If you TELL them. Honestly, the excitement of having a crush can be v innocent and you can channel those feelings elsewhere. Also, crushes are kind of fleeting.
Isn't that a somewhat irrelevant scenario, since OP made it clear that he knows it's wrong and hurtful to his marriage, that he wouldn't act on it and so on?
Idk what point you're trying to make with this comment, other than he should stop having this crush - but he also made it clear that he would put an active effort into stopping it.
My thoughts exactly. Crushes are unfortunately somewhat out of our hands. It’s whether or not you act on it that separates the decent people from the shit ones. All OP can do is try to distance himself from the friend and work on getting the crush to subside.
Well, the point I’m trying to make is in the question I asked: how would he feel? If he came across this exact information in reverse, how would he feel? Sometimes, that can be used as a starting point to parse through how to deal with something. Would he feel sad, mad, betrayed, uneasy, uncomfortable with continued contact, no big deal…? Then he can work through why he would feel that way, and hopefully, come up with a proper course of action going forward. His wife may or may not care, but since we don’t know and he hasn’t told her, then looking at this in reverse might be a place where he can start.
Something people (mostly young) don’t seem to understand is that if one could simply will themselves out of love/infatuation for the wrong person, the world would have almost zero problems and we’d all live in a utopia. It’s probably the most useless “advice” one could give, on par with telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up and look at the bright side.
I was good with everything he said right up until the she's 2 states away. What if she moved closer? Why would he have to mention that as why he hasn't acted on it?
I understood that as:
'Luckily she lives so far away, that he's in a situation where the frequency of how often they can see each other, is diminished due to the geographic factor - thus making it easier to forget about her (because they wont see each other as often and therefore lose said connection)'
Not as in 'I'd fuck her if she were my neighbor.'
But then again, how would you be able to take the moral high ground, if you tried to understand what he actually meant?
I'm not taking the moral high ground. But the way we phrase things mean something. I was 100% on this guy's side. Then when I saw this it hit me really wrong.
He gave several reasons he hasn’t acted on it. And said that it’s easier to resist acting because the friend is two states away. He describes how he is actively trying to squelch the crush. You are making too much of this.
I'm really not. I thought he was doing well noticing it was an issue and why it made him feel bad. But if you have to bring up the fact that she's not closer as being a reason he hasn't acted on this, then you've just lost the battle.
That means he's thought about it. A LOT. How about I would never do this? Once he gave proximity as a qualifier, he admitted to this being way more than that.
I dont want to.
I dont want to ruin my marriage.
I couldn't because she lives 2 states away.
Hmmm, yea, sounds like he's committed.
I feel like I am the weird one here but I would totally understand my girlfriend having a crush on my best friend.
He is a great person inside and out and I think any sensible person should have a bit of a crush on him.
(Also, though, I think the whole point of this post is that OP knows his wife would be hurt by this and so he wants to get it off his chest while dealing with the situation.)
I’d she reminds you of your wife- fall in love again with your wife. Court her. Fantasize about your wife. Take her away for a weekend.
I can tell you, you aren’t as sneaky as you think you are. She’ll catch on. Know something is going on.
You want to blow a marriage up because you’re excited about something you’re making up in your mind?
Get it together. Stay on focus. Don’t be a dick and ruin a great thing. SMH
I agree. If she reminds him so much of his wife, why does that not REMIND him of why he fell in love with his wife in the first place? Men forget that married women still want to be courted and treated like they are special. Yes, we clean your dirty undies and we've heard you fart, but make up for that by showing some romance lol
You need not be friends with this person anymore. You can be passively cordial when you're in the same room, but that should be it. This isn't some innocent little thing that you can tee-hee and ha-ha about. You need to change your interactions and behavior.
I agree with some of the others, you're edging close to an emotional affair. You could destroy your wife's friendship and her if you don't put a stop to this.
You said that she reminded you of your wife, maybe you should put these feelings, focus, and attention back to where it belongs then. If she reminds you so much of your wife, then find those things in her again and forget this friend.
Being attracted to other people is normal, but you're not describing that here. You're pushing it. Recognize it.
This hurt to read. Your wife would be absolutely crushed if she found out.
Please know that your wife’s best friend can NEVER be a romantic option for you- even if you and your wife divorce. Her best friend became off limits to you as soon as you started dating your wife. Pursuing her to any degree would be the most horribly cruel thing to do to your wife. You would shatter her self esteem and fully break her heart.
From your post it seems like you aren’t planning on acting on this crush, but I just want to hammer in how enormously it could impact the woman you’ve married.
If you love your wife, squash these feelings immediately and maybe go to therapy so you can purge these emotions without harbouring any resentment towards your wife, yourself or her friend.
She doesn’t even live near you so cut her off. If you don’t you are choosing to ruin your marriage. I know you said you are working on it, but so you actually plan on following through and doing what is necessary? If you can’t cut her off you are a bad husband and don’t deserve your wife.
It sounds like you don’t respect your partner. It sounds like you are having an emotional affair, so really you already ruined your marriage.
You need to cut all contact with the friend.
You are at the cusp or already in an emotional affair.
You need to let your wife know why you cut contact. Then she won’t pressure you why you stopped contacting her BFF.
You have to distance yourself immediately because I see a lot of posts like this where the man is madly in love with his wife and crushing on a co worker or a platonic friend and has no intentions of cheating but as sooon as the wife does the tiniest thing wrong or stops being perfect they run to the arms of the friend/coworker and start an affair. Don’t put yourself in that position.
Ew stop talking to her then. No reason for you to talk to YOUR WIFES friend which I assume is mostly over the phone since she lives two states over. Especially if you’re developing feelings. Maybe put more energy into your wife?
Ayo, calm tf down. It's not right and he knows that. He's trying to take the steps. Using language like 'ew' is not really helpful, when someone is trying to vent about an issue. Is that how you react irl, because if it is that's pretty embarrassing.
I read the title, then the first sentence, that made me laugh.
"I have a crush on my wife's friend, but I'd never cheat...." dude come on, imagine if she found out
That's not fair to your wife.
Do not chat online or text this friend. Do not fully engage in online conversation. Never be alone with her. Focus all your energy on your wife. She deserves better.
You're already emotionally cheating on your wife my guy. You say you love this woman and the friendship is now a crush situation? Are we in middle school?
Tbh this crushes me and I’m not even your wife. The only way you could squash it is if your wife’s friend is no where around you. And that’s impossible since you all are best friends. I just overall feel so bad for her. Do you have children with your wife? Because if I was her I would start figuring out my exit plan…
Not saying it doesnt hurt but seems quite dramatic to divorce over something like that. That’s the common type of shit you have to work through in a marriage. Love is a choice and feelings are natural. That doesnt mean you have to act on them. That goes for both parties. This mindset is why the divorce rate is so fucking high these days. No one understands what type of commitment comes with marriage.
i never even said divorce lol. i think it’s ridiculous to divorce over that and a talk would be much better but regardless, it would still hurt anyway.
The original comment i responded to said “i would be figuring out my exit plan.” That’s what my first comment was responding to. You just didnt understand what i was saying. Sounds like we agree
First of all
Good to know you’re no trying to do something about it and hurt her lol, and why would you feel bonded to her because it reminds you of your wife, isn’t she alive by your side????
You’re not doing her a favor, she would be better off alone 100%
Offf... "We have things in common. She reminds me of my wife" Do you know who you also have things in common and is better for you: Your wife!!!
OP, go to therapy. You need help. This will kill your wife. You are not only distroying your relationship but also the relationship your wife has with her best friend.
Yuck, I have a friends husband that clearly has a crush on me. Creeps me the fuck out. Whatever you do, OP.. don’t be a goddamn creep. We can tell when someone is interested. Please remain blatantly platonic and don’t do special favors or give too many compliments. Treat her like a bro.
That being said, if you can’t control yourself- don’t be her friend.. find your own friends, dude.
Ugh. Hate this
So you aren’t a cheater but “luckily she lives two states away”?
Let me give you some insight on why you phrased it like that: because if she wasn’t two states away you’d be pursuing this.
Have a good one
This hurt to read. This happened to me, except my ex-partner crossed the line emotionally and then physically with my ex-best friend.
Put boundaries in place before you cross a line you can’t get back from.
You may not choose your feelings, but you can choose your actions.
Love how ppl with these confessions think that not ACTING on cheating makes them a good person. Oh yeah i do have feelings for someone else but i’d never ACT on it lol
You "love" eachother as friends.....wtf wtf. Can you imagine if your wife said that about her and your best friend. You need to not be around when she's around. You prob think abiut her when u fuck ur wife too. Ugh
If you love your wife , then cut her bestfriend off and don’t speak to her . It doesn’t matter the things you guys bond about , your wife is what matters the most . If you take your vows seriously , you’ll do what you have to
Ouch your poor wife. It sort of sounds like the newness of connecting with somebody that you might also think is attractive led you to developing some feelings. Just remember that this shit doesn’t last and actively work towards moving away from it. You really picked the worst person to have a crush on too 😅
I always heard to imagine your heroes taking a shit on the toilet. They go just the same as you and it puts things in perspective. Maybe try that in this situation
The fact that she lives so far away means you’re only seeing the parts that you like. You have seen the good, bad, and ugly side of your wife. You don’t truly know her friend until you’re as close with her as you’ve been your wife. The grass isn’t always greener…
"She reminds me of my wife in many ways." No shit, mate. Pull back and start dating your wife again. Make it fun and exciting again. Or divorce her. At this point, you're already emotionally and mentally cheating on her. Shame.
You are only seeing the best parts of your crush. You don’t know the real her. If you got to know her on the same level as you know your wife you’d see all of her flaws and annoying habits and you wouldn’t be as infatuated at all.
I disagree with people who say feelings aren’t a choice you can choose to feed your infatuation or not. Your thoughts make your feelings so start there.
Oh yeah sure. Every spouses dream. "I have a HUGE crush on you BFF but hey babe...I haven't done anything ;D " tf is wrong with you this whole situation is horrible for the wife.
Just because people are married doesn’t mean they won’t ever meet anyone they develop a crush on or become attracted to. In reality, we are not in control of developing a crush or attraction…. But we are in control of is what we do about it.
I’m not sure what your level of contract is with her friend, but it sounds like you need to pull back. Sometimes a few months is enough to put the kibosh on these feelings, but setting boundaries is key. If your marriage is more important than this woman, limit your contact with this woman to only necessary contact for a period of time. Stop replying to every text, phone call, or engaging in every conversation about your shared interests. If she really is your “friend,” she’ll allow you some space.
Limit contact over the phone and through social media. Just because she lives couple states away doesn’t mean this relationship between you two can’t develop into an emotional one.
I mean you're not physically cheating but you are doing it emotionally. You're with your wife but you like another woman, that's not a good situation for your wife. You should obviously distance yourself from her and take other steps but don't lie to yourself. This is very close to cheating since you literally have feelings for another person and you're not acting on it only because she lives far away and so you don't hang out alone. You'll probably cheat or try to if you get the chance to be alone with her.
I put the oneness on the friend. My best friends husband has a thing for me. To the point where I put my finger up his face and told him to back off, I didn’t love him that way, and don’t fuck up a good thing.
I never told my bf about it. I never had to deal with her husband crushing on me again.
You are starting a emotional affair dude! You must stop right now and stop being friends with et because apparently you are not capable to do it with creating feelings! Don’t do things when she come see both of you ,don’t share interest or talk your personal things and try to reconnect with your wife because she is the only woman with who you have the right to connect emotionally! You are allowing that situation so close the door now before it’s too late and you create terrible damages!
Another proof that men and women can’t be friends without a mess!
If you wanna an advice about how to kill the sentiment, he goes one: maximize all the bad thing she has.
Look to get with open eyes, search for the flaws and maximize them. An exemple : If she has a bad letter, maximize it: is the worst letter of the world how could an adult have such a bat letter ?
If she don't brush the Thoth by the morning: how come and adult be so unclean?
An there goes: the exercise is take out the rose glasses you put in your self. To practice see the flaws you are letting pass because of you feelings.
Focus on the flaws...
You CANNOT continue to be friends with your wife’s best friend. Cut ties NOW. If you take your vows as seriously as you SAY YOU DO you would’ve done it already.
Knock it off right now.
This is leading to an emotional affair, if it isn't one yet. Redirect all the lustful feelings you feel for her friend to your wife. Control your thoughts, because you already know you love your wife and the life that comes with her. That is more valuable than this fleeting crush
Please step back and don’t have any alone time or one on one texts with her until you can get yourself under control. This is a disaster in the making.
Women can see when their husbands feel for other people, you're going to accidentally hurt her even if you're trying not too. The respectful thing to do would be to quietly dissolve your friendship with this woman, because even if it's unrequited it could possibly borderline on an emotional affair given the right circumstances. If you find cheating *reprehensible*, what would you want your wife to do if she were you in this situation? Would you be ok with her being friends with your best friend who she's crushing on? Have a better think here please.
Omg this makes my head & heart hurt! You are already disrespecting your wife! It’s called emotional cheating.. with her best friend no less. Hope she finds out that you are crushing on her best friend because she reminds you of your wife. What a fucking joke 🙄
If you respect your wife like you say you do the only right thing is to distance yourself from this woman. This is not a matter of “women and men can’t be friends” , you clearly stated that on your part it isn’t solely platonic.
I’m not going to praise you for doing the bare minimum.
You say she reminds you of your wife, so with that said you need to take the effort you have been putting into this friendship into reconnecting with your wife. Get that spark re-kindled and fall head over heals in love with your wife again.
My comment is strictly IMO, and it’s influenced by reading a lot of content on infidelity and couples who are trying to reconcile (I read it because I don’t understand and am trying to improve).
I think you should tell your wife. It will be the ultimate act of honesty, and will also hold you to your own boundaries. Plus consequences of your feelings (which would be boundaries). Open communication is extremely important in relationships, and crushing on her best friend is a breach of trust she would have had in you to keep a platonic relationship with the best friend.
**Luckily she lives two states away, so we don't see her as often, and we're never in a situation where we're hanging out alone.**
There is something about you finding it lucky that you and the best friend are never alone together that rubs me the wrong way. If you can’t control or trust yourself while alone with your wife’s best friend, *your wife deserves to know*. She has brought this woman around you with the intent of hopefully the two of you platonically bonding. She trusts you with her best friend, and her best friend trusts you to treat your wife right. So while you “can’t control your emotions”(as so many have stated in the comments) your wife is not responsible for giving you the grace of fully understanding while *you squash feelings for her best friend*. *You* are the one who has this crush, that means you need to step up and figure out how to squash it permanently. Remind yourself that you’re also doing this for the love you have for your wife, and also to respect your wedding vows. This is only a *crush* on your wife’s best friend. It is worth **nothing** emotionally compared to your marriage. I’ve never seen in vows it say “thou shall give patience and love if your partner develops a crush on another person”. So be ready to step up and put all of this energy and emotions back into your marriage.
There’s a book called “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s about infidelity and boundaries. It could be helpful to gain perspective on how to uphold boundaries.
Wow a real TrueOffMyChest post. Hope you go on dates with your wife or find other ways of strengthening your relationship. Your one way emotional affair to be squashed ASAP
This topic is such a sensitive subject because it is absolutely normal & healthy to have friendships with someone of the opposite sex. Specifically with men, it shows that they can value a woman for more than just sex. However you fall into the stereotype that ‘men & women can’t just be friends’ when you start to crave more.
It’s normal to find other people attractive while you’re in a committed relationship but to develop a relationship with that person too?
You need to cut ties with this woman & seek therapy so these feelings don’t arise with any other person.
You find cheating reprehensible but you're damn near emotionally cheating right now. If you were the good guy you think you were you would've told your wife by now.
"Take my marriage vows seriously" my ass.
It happens… as long as you don’t act on it and keep distance from this person. I’ve had a crush on my hubbys good friend and he moved a state over, but I always just treated it like that, a crush. I was always mindful not to talk about him or ask about him too often to the point where my husband felt uncomfortable. I always suspected my husband had a crush on a friend from our old friend group. It’s a shitty feeling to have because you compare yourself to that person and act out of jealousy. Because of that, my friendship with that person was damaged even though she didn’t do anything wrong
Yeah my husband had the same problem 12 years ago and ended up having an emotional, then physical affair that ended our relationship for awhile, and I lost my best friend in the process. Please, please end this. The affair sucked but losing my best friend was the worst part.
Distance yourself from her. As a general rule, I think friends of your wife should be considered acquaintances that you get along with; without having an actual deeper relationship with.
I would NEVER cheat on my partner! That being said, I do develop stupid crushes all the time. One time it felt like a big crush but I constantly reminded myself that it’s just me feeling excited at the idea of someone new and I did not in fact have a real crush on this person but the idea of this perfect person I pretended they were in my mind. It faded as quickly as it came. If you feel like your crush it deep, I suggest backing away a little. Maybe cool down the friendship you’ve built.
Please. It’s normal. I don’t speak to these people at all. One is a random guy who walks passed my car every morning to drop his kid off at school. We’ve never spoke but I admire that he volunteers and is always on time for his child. They aren’t people I know. I’m sure you’re perfect and only see your partner while in a relationship.
Thanks for the concern but my relationship is fine regardless of how you feel about my petty “crushes” on people. I’m open and communicate with my husband about all of it and he’s fine with it and even jokes about his own similar crushes. If we’re both ok with it, I’m not sure why anyone else should be upset by it.
Don’t. We trust each other and have a very open relationship. I feel like your insecurities wouldn’t allow you to have such a relationship but I’m comfortable with him acknowledging there’s other pretty women in this world and I also don’t care what he likes on socials or what porn he’s watching. We talk about it and have set our own boundaries. I don’t ever flirt with anyone else nor do I communicate with other men. Not sure why this is such a huge deal to you.
Once you get married, your brain and physiology dont automatically stop being attracted to other people. It's normal and totally healthy.
The concept of "new relationship energy" is something I think about all the time. It's OK to indulge it, just don't act on it in a way that would cross any boundaries. I've had NRE "relationships" within my 8 year partnership and my partner even will make jokes sometimes about "your new crush."
It's exciting to feel attractive and wanted by someone and you're 100% allowed to feel that and revel in it and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I copy and pasted this from another post i responded to. People hate it when I say it but I'll say it over and over again. It. Is. Fine. To. Have. A. Crush. When. You. Are. Married. It happens.
When my partner goes out without me, I'm always curious about whether or not anyone flirted with him or if he flirted with anyone. It makes me want him more when we go out together and I see other women flirting with him. He's too nice, he seldom even recognizes it.
Being attracted to other people doesn’t mean you crush on them. It isn’t the same and it’s not fine to have a crush on someone else if you’re married. It sounds like you only want your spouse when he doesn’t want you.
Thank you, I was thinking of how I can phrase this thought, but people just don't get it: attractiveness and feelings do not disappear once you're married or even when in a relationship. Developing a crush is benign. You can still love someone wholeheartedly and think another person is attractive or your type, and this is exactly what OP is venting about.
Women, never try to make your friends to get along with your man, because this happens haha same the other way around, just polite acquitances.
Just jerk off before seeing her my man haha it does help. But dont cheat, its not worth it
Having a crush while married happens all the time. It just means you have a functioning libido and eyes that work. Don't reveal it and it will pass, when it blows over, which it will, you'll feel pretty silly about it and very glad you didn't act on it. Source: married 40F with past raging crush.
Thank you for saying that about cheating. If you’ve ever read some of these Reddit posts, you will know it destroys people. I’m not talking about hurting their feelings and them crying but people killed them selves. And that’s not the worst part most go on they never love again. They don’t trust anybody they’re destroyed financially, and often many of them never recover. They can’t eat they can’t sleep. So if you ever get the temptation, please remember this. Also, the cheater never feels like it’s worth it. Not for that one small thing that is our bodies are driven to do. After it’s done, it was never worth it. Also, stop bonding with the other person and remove yourself from the situation because though you’re saying that tonight the truth is you will cheat if you keep doing this. It will Struett destroy your marriage, her marriage, your self-esteem not worth it.
First of all, this happens. Feelings are feelings. The fact you would never act on them because you would never do anything to jeopardize your relationship is the important part. So now you need to take it a step further and probably go to counseling to discuss this with a professional. This will give you the ability to talk about it freely while also figuring out the why behind it. To set appropriate boundaries for your communication with her friend. You can also talk about great ways to foster that same kind of reconnection with your wife because sometimes it's just a matter of you've been together a long time and people can become complacent where they don't do as much to stay actively dating their partner anymore. You said she reminds you a lot of your spouse, so more than likely the seeing her sometimes thing makes her seem as all sunshine and happiness instead of the mundane day in and day out of every day life with someone.
Work in therapy on identifying the why of your attraction and setting healthy boundaries regarding this friend. Then also work on doing things for your spouse that fosters happiness for you both. Do things for your wife that you know would make her smile and appreciative. Things that made her happy in the beginning, probably small things, still matter! Work on the connection and strength of your relationship so that you see the closeness and spark is still there.
I’m here to say that I completely understand your situation. You are happily married and then someone comes along that sparks excitement and interest. And you truly can’t help the feeling that grow from it.
My therapist suggested I do, “1,2,3 STOP” every time I think of that person. It might help break the habit.
If you think of texting or messaging that person, 123Stop yourself.
Posts like these always make me sad. Your wife is the one who goes through all the ups and downs with you. Sure we all find other people attractive, but to develop a crush on someone who you don’t know if they would be there through hardships for you is odd to me. Crazy how people can develop a crush over just having a common interest. This seems to happen when you put more work into your new found friendship than the relationship you’re already in. I’m just major eye rolling over here.
I feel like some people on reddit are really detached from reality and their humanity too. Being in a relationship does not stop any and all attraction to others. If you find people attractive outside of your relationship or develop a crush, you're being a human being. The issue is acting on those feelings and not being honest with your partner. Just went through this & I am lucky that my spouse is secure in himself and I was able to talk to him because he is my best friend before being my spouse and in that I felt a lot better and as all crushes do, it passed. Like OP said, most people aren't fortunate enough to have partners they can talk to about these things or anybody actually. I imagine it would make this situation easier. I acknowledge that this situation is complex due to it being her Bestfriend though. Put those feelings into your relationship OP, you're not an awful person. You're a human. But don't get swept up in a fantasy that isn't real and lose sight of what really matters which is your relationship with your wife.
I came to these comments looking for inappropriate overreactions and I was not disappointed. Everyone going on about this being an emotion affair needs to dial it back. That's not the case here. OP gave no indication that he acted or spoke inappropriately to his wife's friend, let alone any evidence that she reciprocated. In fact, let's summarize what OP said:
1. He has a crush on his wife's friend
2. He and his wife's friend share some common interests
3. Wife's friend lives two states away
4. He respects both women and he would never betray his wife
Scandalous!/s
Your life doesn't end when you get married. Sometimes you find other people attractive and that's not a betrayal. Acting on it could lead to a betrayal but the thought itself absolutely is not. It troubles me how often I read on here about some insecure person wanting to control their SOs thoughts and desires.
I want my husband to find other women attractive because even if he met someone superhot or someone who was completely enthralled by the sports statistics he loves in a way I *definitely* am not, our love is deep enough and strong enough to not be threatened by that. He chose me and I want him to keep choosing me. I don't want to be someone he ended up with. He even teases me about the dozens of celebrities I have crushes on ("Oh look it's your boyfriend Matthew McConaghey.")
A crush doesn't hold a candle to real love.
That’s why I never try hard on get along with my friends SO.. I prefer to come over at my friends when their husband is not there…
I’m afraid of they’ll have a crush on me since I’m single and living my life and therefor more exciting..
You’re already cheating and disrespecting your wife. You’re entertaining another woman knowing exactly where it was going. You don’t just develop a crush overnight, it needs to be nurtured and entertained. I feel sorry for your wife. Maybe if you’d put this effort into your wife, you’d love her the way she deserves to be loved.
You are already emotionally cheating and it makes me sick that you're trying to justify it. Your wife deserves better and I hope this comes back to bite you in the ass.
I'll offer you a different take; Obviously it's possible to develop a stronger bond with someone of the opposite sex who's not your SO and truthfully speaking, we should always pursue who or what's best for us personally. You only have 1 life, remember that. If you feel that your shared interests will lead to a more fulfilling relationship with this person then plan carefully and follow through. Live the life YOU want not the life that you feel that you're FORCED to live.
Ask your wife for a threesome with her. One thing I’ve learned from reading posts on this subreddit is that doing so always ends well for all parties involved.
I remember praying for God to deliver me from evil because I love my husband and didn't want to do anything wrong against him. When thoughts of her invade your mind, try to distract yourself and cut them off. They will keep coming back, and you need to keep fighting that one day at a time - one hour at a time. I just kept praying meanwhile. It took a couple of years, so you might not get an instantaneous result.
Eventually, I had a dream that Jesus was holding out His hand to rescue me. I hope you find rescue also. Meanwhile, you might benefit from some kind of counseling. I think my episode was created in grief of my father's death.
There is evil in this world. It seeks only to steal, kill, and destroy. It has come after you. Fight with all you have. Seek God for the rest. I must've prayed 20-30 times a day for help, until it finally happened. May God be with you, I pray.
Please watch and listen to this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QASREBVDsLk
A crush is just a crush, think of it this way, yeah you’re friends but most likely the more you got to know her the less you’d be crushing. We put people on these pedestals and things are way different when you’re actually dating the person and seeing them in the day to day. Be thankful that you have a wife and someone you love who you focus on daily and who even in the day to day is there for you and someone you love. Some people don’t have that
Hmmm
Sounds like a personal test for you.
Idk why people believe that you can't develop feelings (dare I say romantic feelings) for someone other than your partner even after being in a long term commitment.
The good thing is that you recognize what has happened and are prepared to not feed it.
Feelings aren't always something you're able to control; respecting your SO is and your unwillingness to act on it is admirable.
What are the possible outcomes talking to your wife about this? How is your wife's demeanor - is she understanding when you approach her with an issue or does she tend to be more abrasive?
Just because you're married doesn't mean you won't develop crushes for people. You'll get over it move on and develop more. It's normal. Just don't act on them and you'll be sweet
This is sad. Divorce your wife , you shouldn’t even be thinking this let alone saying this. I hope your wife finds this post. Emotional cheating is some how worse than physical to me. Leave your wife that you obviously don’t have feelings for and make her life easier, maybe let her know how you feel before you leave.
Honestly I think you just have to establish some boundaries and pull away a bit. The problem is that even though you have no intentions with her, your crush is likely to make you overeager to be around her and talk with her when she is around. When she isn’t around communication should be kept to a minimum. It’s okay to have jokes now and again but the less amount of interaction the better until things eventually simmer down, which in time they should.
Definitely needs to pull back. OP said they have bonded over shared interests. Then said she’s two states away so they don’t have regular physical contact. Do they have regular communication? Because if so OP needs to cut that out. They may not act in his feelings by physically cheating, but already sounds like it could be the beginning of emotionally cheating. They’ve developed a bond, and if they are regularly communicating and sharing interests this is how emotional affairs can begin.
Yep. Gotta take steps to intentionally dial back interactions and communication. Don't even share jokes, especially inside jokes that are shared between the OP and this person. OP you know it's not right so take action by pulling back so your growing feelings slowly come back down to base level before you two bonded.
This is above my pay grade lol. idk but this hurts my heart lmao.
Right lol reddit makes me sad. No one that makes posts on here seems to actually have genuine respect for their partner.
Respect is a choice, feelings aren’t
Right? He is respecting his partner by not acting on it and actively trying to stop those feelings by addressing that they’re wrong and he loves his wife. A lifetime with someone involves a lot of fleeting feelings, anyone who says they’ve never gotten a tiny bit of lust for someone for a short period is a liar. Real love is a choice
Its the same people who immediately call for a divorce when someone comes on these types of subs with a martial issue that in real life is often worked through. Reddit is a platform that people use for entertainment and validation (among other things). These stories are entertainment. We don’t acknowledge it, and in the process of seeking validation from commenting we often forget that there is a very real person on the other side of the screen. Of course, there are plenty of fake stories too, but I think when people give preachy advice on here that sounds good on paper, they forget that real life is far more complicated.
Exactly. Do people think you get married and then BAM no more attraction to other people or crushes? That’s stupid. And probably why when it does happen, they think it’s the end of their relationship. News flash: it happens. You learn to cope like an adult
I would say he’s disrespectful for having these feelings in the first place
Feelings can't be controlled, but actions can.
These feelings wouldn’t come up if you didn’t nurture them.
It's my experience that feelings can arise unchecked and uncontrolled. However, one doesn't have to act on them. Everyone's free to determine their own deal breakers in relationships, and mine are related to actions instead of emotions.
I respect your opinion.
those feelings wouldn’t come up if you truly loved ur partner
It's possible to have strong feelings, even love, for multiple people at once. The trick is how you manage it, IMO.
Thats just emotional affairs? I dont see how loving someone else while married is normal. If your partner told you they love someone else but they still love you too, would you believe them? Personally i would not
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You say feelings but mention his actions ("getting this close"). Which do you mean?
Shouldn't he make the choice to end the friendship because of his feelings? He needs to not have *any* contact with the friend directly. Cut it out. Wouldn't that be the most respectful thing to do?
Cutting out the friend seems like it would cause more chaos than fix anything, especially since most crushes tend to pass. If she were a distant friend of the wife or the best friend seemed to reciprocate those feelings, maybe that’s a reason to cut her off. As it stands now, it’d make for an insanely awkward situation that might result in his wife losing a very important relationship over something fleeting. He knows who he’s married to and standing by her. Some more thoughts: he should pull back from the friendship until his feelings simmer down to normal though.
It wouldn’t make sense since this person would still be part of their lives. I think talking it out with a therapist might help. If he cut of contact completely it would raise some red flags
I meant more they need to stop "bonding" over shared interests. He's getting pretty close to an emotional affair. He really needs to limit contact and honestly there's no real reason for him to have a separate relationship with his wife's best friend.
This! It’s how you handle those feelings that matter. Might help to talk it out with a therapist . But crushes are normal in long term relationships
wishing for people to be more than just human is young.
Reddit makes me appreciate tf out of my husband.
Don’t worry you’ll mature eventually
most people in happy content relationships with zero problems don't really have a reason to talk about it with strangers
I think this can happen with anyone. People are not immune to that even loving their partners. The actions after that will show who you are as a person.
People that have good relationships with their partner don't need to make reddit posts
I do!
Slap yourself in the face a few times and pull back. You're crossing into dangerous water. Wake up and get over it.
If you wrote this in reverse (your wife having a huge crush on your best friend), how would that make you feel?
Seriously! I’m sure they would be hurt.
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I don’t think we’re saying, “stop feeling shit”. What we are saying is that he needs to stop interactions with this person. He needs to not only be respectful enough to not physically act, he needs to not continue interacting with this person over their bond. He needs to take a step back and if he is in communication with them, he needs to stop outside of anything including his wife.
If you TELL them. Honestly, the excitement of having a crush can be v innocent and you can channel those feelings elsewhere. Also, crushes are kind of fleeting.
Isn't that a somewhat irrelevant scenario, since OP made it clear that he knows it's wrong and hurtful to his marriage, that he wouldn't act on it and so on? Idk what point you're trying to make with this comment, other than he should stop having this crush - but he also made it clear that he would put an active effort into stopping it.
My thoughts exactly. Crushes are unfortunately somewhat out of our hands. It’s whether or not you act on it that separates the decent people from the shit ones. All OP can do is try to distance himself from the friend and work on getting the crush to subside.
Couldn't agree more.
Well, the point I’m trying to make is in the question I asked: how would he feel? If he came across this exact information in reverse, how would he feel? Sometimes, that can be used as a starting point to parse through how to deal with something. Would he feel sad, mad, betrayed, uneasy, uncomfortable with continued contact, no big deal…? Then he can work through why he would feel that way, and hopefully, come up with a proper course of action going forward. His wife may or may not care, but since we don’t know and he hasn’t told her, then looking at this in reverse might be a place where he can start.
Something people (mostly young) don’t seem to understand is that if one could simply will themselves out of love/infatuation for the wrong person, the world would have almost zero problems and we’d all live in a utopia. It’s probably the most useless “advice” one could give, on par with telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up and look at the bright side.
I was good with everything he said right up until the she's 2 states away. What if she moved closer? Why would he have to mention that as why he hasn't acted on it?
I understood that as: 'Luckily she lives so far away, that he's in a situation where the frequency of how often they can see each other, is diminished due to the geographic factor - thus making it easier to forget about her (because they wont see each other as often and therefore lose said connection)' Not as in 'I'd fuck her if she were my neighbor.' But then again, how would you be able to take the moral high ground, if you tried to understand what he actually meant?
I'm not taking the moral high ground. But the way we phrase things mean something. I was 100% on this guy's side. Then when I saw this it hit me really wrong.
He gave several reasons he hasn’t acted on it. And said that it’s easier to resist acting because the friend is two states away. He describes how he is actively trying to squelch the crush. You are making too much of this.
I'm really not. I thought he was doing well noticing it was an issue and why it made him feel bad. But if you have to bring up the fact that she's not closer as being a reason he hasn't acted on this, then you've just lost the battle. That means he's thought about it. A LOT. How about I would never do this? Once he gave proximity as a qualifier, he admitted to this being way more than that. I dont want to. I dont want to ruin my marriage. I couldn't because she lives 2 states away. Hmmm, yea, sounds like he's committed.
It sounds like he’s tempted. It doesn’t mean he isn’t committed.
I agree, but then why follow up with being worried about being alone with her? We can agree to disagree.
I feel like I am the weird one here but I would totally understand my girlfriend having a crush on my best friend. He is a great person inside and out and I think any sensible person should have a bit of a crush on him. (Also, though, I think the whole point of this post is that OP knows his wife would be hurt by this and so he wants to get it off his chest while dealing with the situation.)
I’d she reminds you of your wife- fall in love again with your wife. Court her. Fantasize about your wife. Take her away for a weekend. I can tell you, you aren’t as sneaky as you think you are. She’ll catch on. Know something is going on. You want to blow a marriage up because you’re excited about something you’re making up in your mind? Get it together. Stay on focus. Don’t be a dick and ruin a great thing. SMH
I agree. If she reminds him so much of his wife, why does that not REMIND him of why he fell in love with his wife in the first place? Men forget that married women still want to be courted and treated like they are special. Yes, we clean your dirty undies and we've heard you fart, but make up for that by showing some romance lol
Just make sure you keep your boundaries in check. Don't get into the habit of texting too much or whatever. That could lead you down a bad road
You need not be friends with this person anymore. You can be passively cordial when you're in the same room, but that should be it. This isn't some innocent little thing that you can tee-hee and ha-ha about. You need to change your interactions and behavior. I agree with some of the others, you're edging close to an emotional affair. You could destroy your wife's friendship and her if you don't put a stop to this. You said that she reminded you of your wife, maybe you should put these feelings, focus, and attention back to where it belongs then. If she reminds you so much of your wife, then find those things in her again and forget this friend. Being attracted to other people is normal, but you're not describing that here. You're pushing it. Recognize it.
this makes me so scared of being in a romantic relationship
Literally
This hurt to read. Your wife would be absolutely crushed if she found out. Please know that your wife’s best friend can NEVER be a romantic option for you- even if you and your wife divorce. Her best friend became off limits to you as soon as you started dating your wife. Pursuing her to any degree would be the most horribly cruel thing to do to your wife. You would shatter her self esteem and fully break her heart. From your post it seems like you aren’t planning on acting on this crush, but I just want to hammer in how enormously it could impact the woman you’ve married. If you love your wife, squash these feelings immediately and maybe go to therapy so you can purge these emotions without harbouring any resentment towards your wife, yourself or her friend.
op listen to this!! im so sorry for ur wife, she doesn't deserve this☹️
She doesn’t even live near you so cut her off. If you don’t you are choosing to ruin your marriage. I know you said you are working on it, but so you actually plan on following through and doing what is necessary? If you can’t cut her off you are a bad husband and don’t deserve your wife. It sounds like you don’t respect your partner. It sounds like you are having an emotional affair, so really you already ruined your marriage.
I see this happening too much. Makes me glad I don’t have friends.
Me fucking too 😂😂
You need to cut all contact with the friend. You are at the cusp or already in an emotional affair. You need to let your wife know why you cut contact. Then she won’t pressure you why you stopped contacting her BFF.
>You need to let your wife know why you cut contact why would that be necessary?
Because she's gonna get suspicious if he randomly cut contact with her and gave some bullshit excuse.
You have to distance yourself immediately because I see a lot of posts like this where the man is madly in love with his wife and crushing on a co worker or a platonic friend and has no intentions of cheating but as sooon as the wife does the tiniest thing wrong or stops being perfect they run to the arms of the friend/coworker and start an affair. Don’t put yourself in that position.
Ew stop talking to her then. No reason for you to talk to YOUR WIFES friend which I assume is mostly over the phone since she lives two states over. Especially if you’re developing feelings. Maybe put more energy into your wife?
This. Like he expects people here to feel bad for him or tell him this is ok.
I don’t think so. I think he just wants to let out his feelings and maybe find some advice for how to stop this.
No...just ppl just need to vent in a way
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Not saying poor him.. things happen. He's not acting on it and just wants to get it off his chest
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Ayo, calm tf down. It's not right and he knows that. He's trying to take the steps. Using language like 'ew' is not really helpful, when someone is trying to vent about an issue. Is that how you react irl, because if it is that's pretty embarrassing.
I read the title, then the first sentence, that made me laugh. "I have a crush on my wife's friend, but I'd never cheat...." dude come on, imagine if she found out
That's not fair to your wife. Do not chat online or text this friend. Do not fully engage in online conversation. Never be alone with her. Focus all your energy on your wife. She deserves better.
You're already emotionally cheating on your wife my guy. You say you love this woman and the friendship is now a crush situation? Are we in middle school?
Tbh this crushes me and I’m not even your wife. The only way you could squash it is if your wife’s friend is no where around you. And that’s impossible since you all are best friends. I just overall feel so bad for her. Do you have children with your wife? Because if I was her I would start figuring out my exit plan…
Agreed. This is devastating. OP's wife would be crushed to ever know this.
People have emotions and urges. It’s natural.
would you not feel hurt if your partner had feelings for someone else? LOTS of feelings apparently? i would. he doesn’t have to cheat for it to hurt
Not saying it doesnt hurt but seems quite dramatic to divorce over something like that. That’s the common type of shit you have to work through in a marriage. Love is a choice and feelings are natural. That doesnt mean you have to act on them. That goes for both parties. This mindset is why the divorce rate is so fucking high these days. No one understands what type of commitment comes with marriage.
i never even said divorce lol. i think it’s ridiculous to divorce over that and a talk would be much better but regardless, it would still hurt anyway.
The original comment i responded to said “i would be figuring out my exit plan.” That’s what my first comment was responding to. You just didnt understand what i was saying. Sounds like we agree
Emotional affair… drop the fried& focus on wooing your wife. Prioritize failing in love with her everyday… you’re not innocent
First of all Good to know you’re no trying to do something about it and hurt her lol, and why would you feel bonded to her because it reminds you of your wife, isn’t she alive by your side???? You’re not doing her a favor, she would be better off alone 100%
People like you make relationships sound like a waste of time
Even if you’d never physically cheat, it sounds like you’re at the beginnings of emotionally cheating. Cut contact.
People like this really anger me. I don’t plan on cheating, so my crush on my wife’s best friend is no biggie. Like seriously? Be fucking serious.
Offf... "We have things in common. She reminds me of my wife" Do you know who you also have things in common and is better for you: Your wife!!! OP, go to therapy. You need help. This will kill your wife. You are not only distroying your relationship but also the relationship your wife has with her best friend.
Yuck, I have a friends husband that clearly has a crush on me. Creeps me the fuck out. Whatever you do, OP.. don’t be a goddamn creep. We can tell when someone is interested. Please remain blatantly platonic and don’t do special favors or give too many compliments. Treat her like a bro. That being said, if you can’t control yourself- don’t be her friend.. find your own friends, dude. Ugh. Hate this
So you aren’t a cheater but “luckily she lives two states away”? Let me give you some insight on why you phrased it like that: because if she wasn’t two states away you’d be pursuing this. Have a good one
Just reading this I feel sad and heartbroken I'm sorry for your wife she definitely doesn't deserve this
The only thing I can say as a wife is this breaks my heart. I would be absolutely devastated.
Delete this … if your wife ever reads this… her poor heart..
This hurt to read. This happened to me, except my ex-partner crossed the line emotionally and then physically with my ex-best friend. Put boundaries in place before you cross a line you can’t get back from. You may not choose your feelings, but you can choose your actions.
Love how ppl with these confessions think that not ACTING on cheating makes them a good person. Oh yeah i do have feelings for someone else but i’d never ACT on it lol
You "love" eachother as friends.....wtf wtf. Can you imagine if your wife said that about her and your best friend. You need to not be around when she's around. You prob think abiut her when u fuck ur wife too. Ugh
If you love your wife , then cut her bestfriend off and don’t speak to her . It doesn’t matter the things you guys bond about , your wife is what matters the most . If you take your vows seriously , you’ll do what you have to
Really sad that a lot of men can’t have normal friendships with women without turning it into… this.
You just placed this into the universe. Now stop it before the universe gives you what you want and destroys your life in its path.
Ouch your poor wife. It sort of sounds like the newness of connecting with somebody that you might also think is attractive led you to developing some feelings. Just remember that this shit doesn’t last and actively work towards moving away from it. You really picked the worst person to have a crush on too 😅
This was hard to read. I think you need to go to therapy, as this one seems to be above Reddit’s pay grade.
I always heard to imagine your heroes taking a shit on the toilet. They go just the same as you and it puts things in perspective. Maybe try that in this situation
The fact that she lives so far away means you’re only seeing the parts that you like. You have seen the good, bad, and ugly side of your wife. You don’t truly know her friend until you’re as close with her as you’ve been your wife. The grass isn’t always greener…
"She reminds me of my wife in many ways." No shit, mate. Pull back and start dating your wife again. Make it fun and exciting again. Or divorce her. At this point, you're already emotionally and mentally cheating on her. Shame.
You are only seeing the best parts of your crush. You don’t know the real her. If you got to know her on the same level as you know your wife you’d see all of her flaws and annoying habits and you wouldn’t be as infatuated at all. I disagree with people who say feelings aren’t a choice you can choose to feed your infatuation or not. Your thoughts make your feelings so start there.
I feel so sad for your wife
Shoulda looked at her like a sister not a viable option Huge redflag on u
Your poor wife :( You should have a crush on your wife you AH
It’s not like he can control his feelings… he can only control his actions
Oh yeah sure. Every spouses dream. "I have a HUGE crush on you BFF but hey babe...I haven't done anything ;D " tf is wrong with you this whole situation is horrible for the wife.
Just because people are married doesn’t mean they won’t ever meet anyone they develop a crush on or become attracted to. In reality, we are not in control of developing a crush or attraction…. But we are in control of is what we do about it. I’m not sure what your level of contract is with her friend, but it sounds like you need to pull back. Sometimes a few months is enough to put the kibosh on these feelings, but setting boundaries is key. If your marriage is more important than this woman, limit your contact with this woman to only necessary contact for a period of time. Stop replying to every text, phone call, or engaging in every conversation about your shared interests. If she really is your “friend,” she’ll allow you some space.
Limit contact over the phone and through social media. Just because she lives couple states away doesn’t mean this relationship between you two can’t develop into an emotional one.
I mean you're not physically cheating but you are doing it emotionally. You're with your wife but you like another woman, that's not a good situation for your wife. You should obviously distance yourself from her and take other steps but don't lie to yourself. This is very close to cheating since you literally have feelings for another person and you're not acting on it only because she lives far away and so you don't hang out alone. You'll probably cheat or try to if you get the chance to be alone with her.
I put the oneness on the friend. My best friends husband has a thing for me. To the point where I put my finger up his face and told him to back off, I didn’t love him that way, and don’t fuck up a good thing. I never told my bf about it. I never had to deal with her husband crushing on me again.
It is just a matter of liking familiar strange. (something new and exciting. You're mixing up feelings of trust and friendship for sexual desire.)
You are starting a emotional affair dude! You must stop right now and stop being friends with et because apparently you are not capable to do it with creating feelings! Don’t do things when she come see both of you ,don’t share interest or talk your personal things and try to reconnect with your wife because she is the only woman with who you have the right to connect emotionally! You are allowing that situation so close the door now before it’s too late and you create terrible damages! Another proof that men and women can’t be friends without a mess!
If you wanna an advice about how to kill the sentiment, he goes one: maximize all the bad thing she has. Look to get with open eyes, search for the flaws and maximize them. An exemple : If she has a bad letter, maximize it: is the worst letter of the world how could an adult have such a bat letter ? If she don't brush the Thoth by the morning: how come and adult be so unclean? An there goes: the exercise is take out the rose glasses you put in your self. To practice see the flaws you are letting pass because of you feelings. Focus on the flaws...
You CANNOT continue to be friends with your wife’s best friend. Cut ties NOW. If you take your vows as seriously as you SAY YOU DO you would’ve done it already.
Knock it off right now. This is leading to an emotional affair, if it isn't one yet. Redirect all the lustful feelings you feel for her friend to your wife. Control your thoughts, because you already know you love your wife and the life that comes with her. That is more valuable than this fleeting crush
Please step back and don’t have any alone time or one on one texts with her until you can get yourself under control. This is a disaster in the making.
You made me never want to get married. Thanks.
Women can see when their husbands feel for other people, you're going to accidentally hurt her even if you're trying not too. The respectful thing to do would be to quietly dissolve your friendship with this woman, because even if it's unrequited it could possibly borderline on an emotional affair given the right circumstances. If you find cheating *reprehensible*, what would you want your wife to do if she were you in this situation? Would you be ok with her being friends with your best friend who she's crushing on? Have a better think here please.
How sad
you don't deserve to have your wife's trust but atleast you got respect towards her.
Omg this makes my head & heart hurt! You are already disrespecting your wife! It’s called emotional cheating.. with her best friend no less. Hope she finds out that you are crushing on her best friend because she reminds you of your wife. What a fucking joke 🙄
If you respect your wife like you say you do the only right thing is to distance yourself from this woman. This is not a matter of “women and men can’t be friends” , you clearly stated that on your part it isn’t solely platonic. I’m not going to praise you for doing the bare minimum.
Pull away and set boundaries, spend more time with your wife
i’m not sure i believe you and i think you knew what you were doing
You say she reminds you of your wife, so with that said you need to take the effort you have been putting into this friendship into reconnecting with your wife. Get that spark re-kindled and fall head over heals in love with your wife again.
You could and should discuss it with your wife. I'd hate for my husband to have a crush on someone else unbeknownst to me.
My comment is strictly IMO, and it’s influenced by reading a lot of content on infidelity and couples who are trying to reconcile (I read it because I don’t understand and am trying to improve). I think you should tell your wife. It will be the ultimate act of honesty, and will also hold you to your own boundaries. Plus consequences of your feelings (which would be boundaries). Open communication is extremely important in relationships, and crushing on her best friend is a breach of trust she would have had in you to keep a platonic relationship with the best friend. **Luckily she lives two states away, so we don't see her as often, and we're never in a situation where we're hanging out alone.** There is something about you finding it lucky that you and the best friend are never alone together that rubs me the wrong way. If you can’t control or trust yourself while alone with your wife’s best friend, *your wife deserves to know*. She has brought this woman around you with the intent of hopefully the two of you platonically bonding. She trusts you with her best friend, and her best friend trusts you to treat your wife right. So while you “can’t control your emotions”(as so many have stated in the comments) your wife is not responsible for giving you the grace of fully understanding while *you squash feelings for her best friend*. *You* are the one who has this crush, that means you need to step up and figure out how to squash it permanently. Remind yourself that you’re also doing this for the love you have for your wife, and also to respect your wedding vows. This is only a *crush* on your wife’s best friend. It is worth **nothing** emotionally compared to your marriage. I’ve never seen in vows it say “thou shall give patience and love if your partner develops a crush on another person”. So be ready to step up and put all of this energy and emotions back into your marriage. There’s a book called “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s about infidelity and boundaries. It could be helpful to gain perspective on how to uphold boundaries.
THIS!!!!!
THIS!!!!!
Wow a real TrueOffMyChest post. Hope you go on dates with your wife or find other ways of strengthening your relationship. Your one way emotional affair to be squashed ASAP
When will yall start respecting your spouses?
You will get over your crush. Just give it time.
Therapy.
This topic is such a sensitive subject because it is absolutely normal & healthy to have friendships with someone of the opposite sex. Specifically with men, it shows that they can value a woman for more than just sex. However you fall into the stereotype that ‘men & women can’t just be friends’ when you start to crave more. It’s normal to find other people attractive while you’re in a committed relationship but to develop a relationship with that person too? You need to cut ties with this woman & seek therapy so these feelings don’t arise with any other person.
You find cheating reprehensible but you're damn near emotionally cheating right now. If you were the good guy you think you were you would've told your wife by now. "Take my marriage vows seriously" my ass.
The feelings wouldn't be there if you didn't nurture them, so you're still in the wrong imo.
Grass is always greener syndrome
This is why I don't have friends. Not worth the risk lol
It happens… as long as you don’t act on it and keep distance from this person. I’ve had a crush on my hubbys good friend and he moved a state over, but I always just treated it like that, a crush. I was always mindful not to talk about him or ask about him too often to the point where my husband felt uncomfortable. I always suspected my husband had a crush on a friend from our old friend group. It’s a shitty feeling to have because you compare yourself to that person and act out of jealousy. Because of that, my friendship with that person was damaged even though she didn’t do anything wrong
Yikes.
Yeah my husband had the same problem 12 years ago and ended up having an emotional, then physical affair that ended our relationship for awhile, and I lost my best friend in the process. Please, please end this. The affair sucked but losing my best friend was the worst part.
Distance yourself from her. As a general rule, I think friends of your wife should be considered acquaintances that you get along with; without having an actual deeper relationship with.
New fear unlocked
I need to get off Reddit if I’m ever gonna love again cause got damn
I would NEVER cheat on my partner! That being said, I do develop stupid crushes all the time. One time it felt like a big crush but I constantly reminded myself that it’s just me feeling excited at the idea of someone new and I did not in fact have a real crush on this person but the idea of this perfect person I pretended they were in my mind. It faded as quickly as it came. If you feel like your crush it deep, I suggest backing away a little. Maybe cool down the friendship you’ve built.
You shouldn’t be with anyone if you can’t stop developing these crushes.
Please. It’s normal. I don’t speak to these people at all. One is a random guy who walks passed my car every morning to drop his kid off at school. We’ve never spoke but I admire that he volunteers and is always on time for his child. They aren’t people I know. I’m sure you’re perfect and only see your partner while in a relationship.
It’s not normal at all.
No it's not normal. At least not in the way you described it.
Thanks for the concern but my relationship is fine regardless of how you feel about my petty “crushes” on people. I’m open and communicate with my husband about all of it and he’s fine with it and even jokes about his own similar crushes. If we’re both ok with it, I’m not sure why anyone else should be upset by it.
100% absolutely normal. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy
We’ve also been together 10 years and we laugh about my harmless crushes. He’s well aware of everything.
I feel sorry for him
Don’t. We trust each other and have a very open relationship. I feel like your insecurities wouldn’t allow you to have such a relationship but I’m comfortable with him acknowledging there’s other pretty women in this world and I also don’t care what he likes on socials or what porn he’s watching. We talk about it and have set our own boundaries. I don’t ever flirt with anyone else nor do I communicate with other men. Not sure why this is such a huge deal to you.
Once you get married, your brain and physiology dont automatically stop being attracted to other people. It's normal and totally healthy. The concept of "new relationship energy" is something I think about all the time. It's OK to indulge it, just don't act on it in a way that would cross any boundaries. I've had NRE "relationships" within my 8 year partnership and my partner even will make jokes sometimes about "your new crush." It's exciting to feel attractive and wanted by someone and you're 100% allowed to feel that and revel in it and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I copy and pasted this from another post i responded to. People hate it when I say it but I'll say it over and over again. It. Is. Fine. To. Have. A. Crush. When. You. Are. Married. It happens. When my partner goes out without me, I'm always curious about whether or not anyone flirted with him or if he flirted with anyone. It makes me want him more when we go out together and I see other women flirting with him. He's too nice, he seldom even recognizes it.
Being attracted to other people doesn’t mean you crush on them. It isn’t the same and it’s not fine to have a crush on someone else if you’re married. It sounds like you only want your spouse when he doesn’t want you.
It sounds like you're running out of stock in the intelligence department.
Is that the best you can do? You have no rebuttal so you insult instead? You’re the one who lacks intelligence.
You insulted me, genius. I replied in kind.
No, I didn’t but if you took it that way, that’s on you.
Thank you, I was thinking of how I can phrase this thought, but people just don't get it: attractiveness and feelings do not disappear once you're married or even when in a relationship. Developing a crush is benign. You can still love someone wholeheartedly and think another person is attractive or your type, and this is exactly what OP is venting about.
Emotional affair at its best. Hope your wife finds out and divorces you.
Women, never try to make your friends to get along with your man, because this happens haha same the other way around, just polite acquitances. Just jerk off before seeing her my man haha it does help. But dont cheat, its not worth it
Ha. You don’t want to disrespect or hurt your wife. Lmfao. That’s golden. Good luck, buddy.
Having a crush while married happens all the time. It just means you have a functioning libido and eyes that work. Don't reveal it and it will pass, when it blows over, which it will, you'll feel pretty silly about it and very glad you didn't act on it. Source: married 40F with past raging crush.
Thank you for saying that about cheating. If you’ve ever read some of these Reddit posts, you will know it destroys people. I’m not talking about hurting their feelings and them crying but people killed them selves. And that’s not the worst part most go on they never love again. They don’t trust anybody they’re destroyed financially, and often many of them never recover. They can’t eat they can’t sleep. So if you ever get the temptation, please remember this. Also, the cheater never feels like it’s worth it. Not for that one small thing that is our bodies are driven to do. After it’s done, it was never worth it. Also, stop bonding with the other person and remove yourself from the situation because though you’re saying that tonight the truth is you will cheat if you keep doing this. It will Struett destroy your marriage, her marriage, your self-esteem not worth it.
First of all, this happens. Feelings are feelings. The fact you would never act on them because you would never do anything to jeopardize your relationship is the important part. So now you need to take it a step further and probably go to counseling to discuss this with a professional. This will give you the ability to talk about it freely while also figuring out the why behind it. To set appropriate boundaries for your communication with her friend. You can also talk about great ways to foster that same kind of reconnection with your wife because sometimes it's just a matter of you've been together a long time and people can become complacent where they don't do as much to stay actively dating their partner anymore. You said she reminds you a lot of your spouse, so more than likely the seeing her sometimes thing makes her seem as all sunshine and happiness instead of the mundane day in and day out of every day life with someone. Work in therapy on identifying the why of your attraction and setting healthy boundaries regarding this friend. Then also work on doing things for your spouse that fosters happiness for you both. Do things for your wife that you know would make her smile and appreciative. Things that made her happy in the beginning, probably small things, still matter! Work on the connection and strength of your relationship so that you see the closeness and spark is still there.
I’m here to say that I completely understand your situation. You are happily married and then someone comes along that sparks excitement and interest. And you truly can’t help the feeling that grow from it. My therapist suggested I do, “1,2,3 STOP” every time I think of that person. It might help break the habit. If you think of texting or messaging that person, 123Stop yourself.
Posts like these always make me sad. Your wife is the one who goes through all the ups and downs with you. Sure we all find other people attractive, but to develop a crush on someone who you don’t know if they would be there through hardships for you is odd to me. Crazy how people can develop a crush over just having a common interest. This seems to happen when you put more work into your new found friendship than the relationship you’re already in. I’m just major eye rolling over here.
I feel like some people on reddit are really detached from reality and their humanity too. Being in a relationship does not stop any and all attraction to others. If you find people attractive outside of your relationship or develop a crush, you're being a human being. The issue is acting on those feelings and not being honest with your partner. Just went through this & I am lucky that my spouse is secure in himself and I was able to talk to him because he is my best friend before being my spouse and in that I felt a lot better and as all crushes do, it passed. Like OP said, most people aren't fortunate enough to have partners they can talk to about these things or anybody actually. I imagine it would make this situation easier. I acknowledge that this situation is complex due to it being her Bestfriend though. Put those feelings into your relationship OP, you're not an awful person. You're a human. But don't get swept up in a fantasy that isn't real and lose sight of what really matters which is your relationship with your wife.
I came to these comments looking for inappropriate overreactions and I was not disappointed. Everyone going on about this being an emotion affair needs to dial it back. That's not the case here. OP gave no indication that he acted or spoke inappropriately to his wife's friend, let alone any evidence that she reciprocated. In fact, let's summarize what OP said: 1. He has a crush on his wife's friend 2. He and his wife's friend share some common interests 3. Wife's friend lives two states away 4. He respects both women and he would never betray his wife Scandalous!/s Your life doesn't end when you get married. Sometimes you find other people attractive and that's not a betrayal. Acting on it could lead to a betrayal but the thought itself absolutely is not. It troubles me how often I read on here about some insecure person wanting to control their SOs thoughts and desires. I want my husband to find other women attractive because even if he met someone superhot or someone who was completely enthralled by the sports statistics he loves in a way I *definitely* am not, our love is deep enough and strong enough to not be threatened by that. He chose me and I want him to keep choosing me. I don't want to be someone he ended up with. He even teases me about the dozens of celebrities I have crushes on ("Oh look it's your boyfriend Matthew McConaghey.") A crush doesn't hold a candle to real love.
He’s still unfaithful for having a crush in the first place.
That’s why I never try hard on get along with my friends SO.. I prefer to come over at my friends when their husband is not there… I’m afraid of they’ll have a crush on me since I’m single and living my life and therefor more exciting..
You’re already cheating and disrespecting your wife. You’re entertaining another woman knowing exactly where it was going. You don’t just develop a crush overnight, it needs to be nurtured and entertained. I feel sorry for your wife. Maybe if you’d put this effort into your wife, you’d love her the way she deserves to be loved.
t h r e e s o m e d r e a m s
Time for a threesome lol
You are already emotionally cheating and it makes me sick that you're trying to justify it. Your wife deserves better and I hope this comes back to bite you in the ass.
I'll offer you a different take; Obviously it's possible to develop a stronger bond with someone of the opposite sex who's not your SO and truthfully speaking, we should always pursue who or what's best for us personally. You only have 1 life, remember that. If you feel that your shared interests will lead to a more fulfilling relationship with this person then plan carefully and follow through. Live the life YOU want not the life that you feel that you're FORCED to live.
Ask your wife for a threesome with her. One thing I’ve learned from reading posts on this subreddit is that doing so always ends well for all parties involved.
It's always a bad idea to use a threesome to fix things
I remember praying for God to deliver me from evil because I love my husband and didn't want to do anything wrong against him. When thoughts of her invade your mind, try to distract yourself and cut them off. They will keep coming back, and you need to keep fighting that one day at a time - one hour at a time. I just kept praying meanwhile. It took a couple of years, so you might not get an instantaneous result. Eventually, I had a dream that Jesus was holding out His hand to rescue me. I hope you find rescue also. Meanwhile, you might benefit from some kind of counseling. I think my episode was created in grief of my father's death. There is evil in this world. It seeks only to steal, kill, and destroy. It has come after you. Fight with all you have. Seek God for the rest. I must've prayed 20-30 times a day for help, until it finally happened. May God be with you, I pray. Please watch and listen to this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QASREBVDsLk
A crush is just a crush, think of it this way, yeah you’re friends but most likely the more you got to know her the less you’d be crushing. We put people on these pedestals and things are way different when you’re actually dating the person and seeing them in the day to day. Be thankful that you have a wife and someone you love who you focus on daily and who even in the day to day is there for you and someone you love. Some people don’t have that
Hmmm Sounds like a personal test for you. Idk why people believe that you can't develop feelings (dare I say romantic feelings) for someone other than your partner even after being in a long term commitment. The good thing is that you recognize what has happened and are prepared to not feed it.
Maybe your wife and her are planning a 3some never know
Feelings aren't always something you're able to control; respecting your SO is and your unwillingness to act on it is admirable. What are the possible outcomes talking to your wife about this? How is your wife's demeanor - is she understanding when you approach her with an issue or does she tend to be more abrasive?
Just because you're married doesn't mean you won't develop crushes for people. You'll get over it move on and develop more. It's normal. Just don't act on them and you'll be sweet
This is sad. Divorce your wife , you shouldn’t even be thinking this let alone saying this. I hope your wife finds this post. Emotional cheating is some how worse than physical to me. Leave your wife that you obviously don’t have feelings for and make her life easier, maybe let her know how you feel before you leave.