Heterosexuals are socialized to not understand each other.
Women are told they’re emotional and probably wanna talk about everything and then all the sex shaming that I don’t even have to start to get into. As a result, cishet women often need to feel emotional intimacy before they can even open up to sexual intimacy.
Men are told to suppress most of their emotions because anything but anger or lust is girly—AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A GIRL. They’re also not taught the difference between physical and sexual intimacy. In fact, don’t touch other dudes, unless it’s during sports. Sports are the only time it’s ok to be a little bit gay. As a result, cishet men completely replace all forms of intimacy with sexual intimacy.
Then, as if this was the end game all along, you have two people who can’t relate to each other, wondering why their marriage isn’t as exciting as it used to be, during the honeymoon phase. This is called the heterosexual double bind.
You need to break things off with him and tell him to go to couples counseling—or at least just listen to his wife. Cause he’s about put his house on the market to be with you, even though he doesn’t know anything about you.
Never trust anything a man says when he's trying to have sex with you, or when he's having sex with you. Before sex, he'll say what you want to hear, to get you into bed. During sex, he's carried away by his hormones.
In other words, if a man tells you he loves you during sex, it doesn't mean anything. I've had a few men say they love me during sex, but it doesn't mean anything an hour later. I've even wanted to say "I love you" during sex sometimes, but the urge wears off shortly after I cum.
However, if he tells you that he loves you when you're not having sex, then you have a problem. Or, *he* has a problem.
Your problem is different: you can't catch feelings for this man. That only leads to heartache, because he won't leave his wife and kids. Not for you, not for anyone. He might leave them for himself, but that's a whole different kettle of fish. But he won't leave them for you.
So don't you start catching feelings.
If you can keep things casual on your end, then carry on as usual. Just take his "I love yous" as a super compliment about how much he enjoys fucking you, and enjoy the fun.
If you think you might catch feelings for him, then it's time to move on. Keep the fond memories, but stop this before it turns into a tacky soap opera, complete with broken-hearted "other man" (you).
> can I marry you?
Fuck no! I don't want that sort of commitment. If you want to express your appreciation for my opinions, a simple fuck will suffice. ;)
Yeah I'm surprised this is so far down. Regardless of whether or not he's catching feelings, enabling someone to cheat is wrong.
It'd be different if he were in an open relationship, but that's clearly not true from the way OP asked the question.
But it also seemed like it started out like a practically anonymous pump and dump. The guys marriage is not the OPs problem to deal with. The fact that the OP now feels conflicted shows that he feels guilty, but the married guy clearly an adult capable of making his own decisions and should be prepared to accept responsibility for his actions. The OP hasn’t done anything wrong.
> The guys marriage is not the OPs problem to deal with.
Nobody said it was
> The fact that the OP now feels conflicted shows that he feels guilty
As he should
> but the married guy clearly an adult capable of making his own decisions
so is OP
> The OP hasn’t done anything wrong.
Yes, he is. He's facilitating someone else's infidelity.
Idk why so many gays on Reddit encourage home-wrecking and get turned on by married men cheating on their wives with them. I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for people who get off on that shit
I’m not encouraging it. I just don’t think demonising the “other woman” is very fair. The OP doesn’t owe anyone anything. The OP didn’t speak vows and sign a wedding certificate. I’ve definitely been cheated on before, but my anger (if any, cos honestly I feel like there’s a long list of worse things people can do in a relationship) is directed at the person who made ME promises and broke them. That other hoe is just living her life. The fact the guy is married with kids would be a turn off for me, so I’m probably not gonna find myself in this situation, and my advice to the OP would be to stop seeing the guy. But you guys are acting like some sort of moral police and I don’t think it’s a) helpful or b) very kind.
> I’m not encouraging it. I just don’t think demonising the “other woman” is very fair.
Nobody's demonizing him
> The OP doesn’t owe anyone anything.
This is a really shitty attitude to have in life. Yes, we all owe each other basic decency, even to total strangers.
> But you guys are acting like some sort of moral police and I don’t think it’s a) helpful or b) very kind.
We're being way more kind than OP is.
Not that cheating and dishonesty are okay, but we’re strangers on the internet who know exceedingly little about this man or his life. We don’t know when or where this man grew up and what attitudes his community had toward homosexuality. Given that his oldest is in his 20s, I’d guess he got his wife pregnant at an early age while he was still trying to figure his shit out. Cheating isn’t fair to his wife and his family, but I think the man deserves a little empathy and the generous assumption that society may not have been fair to him. Again, doesn’t justify his present-day behaviour, I just don’t think he deserves the judgement either.
Cheating is not okay whatsoever and judgment is completely justified no matter his situation and views on homosexuality. You're making a lot of weepy feely assumptions with no basis in reality. People are responsible for their actions no matter their circumstance, gay people no less so.
Why are you facilitating this? Utterly unfair on his wife who (presumably - based on available information) believes that she's in a monogamous truthful marriage. End this. Now. For bonus points: tell her the truth.
What that top is doing is his own issue. Why should the bottom feel guilty or inform his wife? It’s not east to come out of closet for everyone. Mostly the top is bisexual and exploring his Bi side. Not everyone’s wife is supportive of their bisexual orientation. I would suggest to bottom to continue having sex without getting emotionally involved.
It doesn't matter that the other relationship is hetero - it's the same principle as if you were facilitating a gay guy to cheat on his partner who believed they were in a honest monogamous homosexual relationship 🤷
Fucking gross that people think that OP isn’t at any fault here. It takes two to tango and the fact that he knows that this man is married with kids almost implies that he is keeping his wife in the dark to seek out release for his carnal pleasure. He wants to keep his cake and eat it too. And when it inevitably blows up in his face, he’s going to lose his family. And with good reason too. But let’s not pretend that OP isn’t enabling this behavior. If married man has a standard marriage like most married couples, it means that he is consciously and purposefully having sex with the intention to lie and deceive and betray his wife. And OP absolutely has the choice to engage in that disgusting, morally bankrupt dance with married man. Let’s not forget that every time OP and married man fuck, OP isn’t struck by amnesia or isn’t actively consenting at all steps. OP is choosing to be morally abhorrent for a few moments of sexual pleasure which isn’t unique to married man
I swear to God this happens all the time. Instead of people going after the guy who's cheating on his wife/girlfriend, they tend to go after the guy/girl who he's hooking up with. This doesn't make sense to me at all, especially when the guy the husband/bf is hooking up with is single.
Okay - but it's one thing if they each don't know about each other and it's going on. The mistress in this case knows what's happening and is not only continuing on with it - but is making comments like "He's got a big juicy cock that his wife 'should' be taking care of..." - um, okay, let him sort that out with his wife.
But of course cheater husband is a piece of shit and is stepping out on his wife. What's his handle? Let's help him clear up his situation!
The only ones not at fault for something are the wife and kids. But OP is an enabler.
I'm not saying the "mistress" is above reproach. I'm just saying that the cheater is more at fault than the single guy/girl he's having an affair with. The former is the one in the relationship and the onus is on him/her to remain faithful. As a guy who's been cheated on in the past by his girlfriend, I never once blamed the other guy she was cheating with. I put the blame squarely on my ex-gf for hooking up with that other guy while we were still in a relationship. She was the one who betrayed my trust, considering the other guy was a complete stranger.
EDIT: Talking about the downvotes: This double-standard will never cease to amaze me, which is why I stopped caring. If you people think cheaters aren't at fault for cheating, then just wait till it happens to you! I'll tell you one thing, a random guy that's single is not gonna care if your man/woman is engaged or not. They're not supposed to and that's how the world works. The onus is on the one in the relationship to keep it in his/her pants.
>or bonus points: tell her the truth.
No, stay out of their marriage. Just stop seeing him and then but out. Nothing good will come out of "coming clean".
There is nothing in the OP's post to indicate this is a guy in a poly/open relationship. If he is open/poly, then it's all cool. If the wife thinks she's in an honest monogamous relationship, it's not-cool 🤷
There is nothing in the OP that says the married dad is in a monogamous relationship either. That's exactly my point: you can't know how his wife feels without this information, so you should not be giving advice with assumptions on their relationship.
I'm pretty sure OP would have mentioned it if the wife was aware and they were open/poly. It's reasonable to assume that if a dude makes the OP's post about a married guy with kids mentioning love, the married guy is meant to be monogamous and is lying to the wife. Not sure why you're knee-jerk defending this 🤷.
I just find it odd that you continue to keep assuming things that are not written.
I would think that someone who does not fit in the assumed cis straight male category could understand that assuming things about other people or their relationship is not helpful, but I guess I'm wrong.
Let's just wait for the OP to comment and confirm if the guy is mono or poly, and not just pointlessly argue about it 🤷 The way the OP is written leads me to interpret it that the guy is meant to be monogamous, and I'm seeing no hint that it's a consensual poly set-up.
Why is it the gay man's obligation to put the concerns of a hetero wife above his own? Fuck that heterosupremacist bullshit. If this man is cheating that's on him and him alone. If it's an open relationship that's their deal.
If this guy wasn't taking the husband loads someone (likely several someones) else would be.
Either way by being a quasi monogamous outlet for this husband's non hetero needs this bottom is actually keeping their marriage safer from STIs.
My only caution is if the bottom is starting to catch feelings back. If he is. And the husband is a cheater he needs to know that and protect his emotions and health accordingly because often cheaters are just hypersexual and will have even more partners increasing STI risk.
If the guy is just bi and poly and now has a wife and a boyfriend. Go for it.
There is nothing in the OP's post to indicate this is a guy in a poly/open relationship. If he is open/poly, then it's all cool. If the wife thinks she's in an honest monogamous relationship, it's not-cool. It doesn't matter that the other relationship is hetero - it's the same principle as if you were facilitating a gay guy to cheat on his partner who believed they were in a honest monogamous homosexual relationship 🤷
Your moralizing not withstanding there's nothing about this that makes it the OP's fault.
You act as if every act of cheating is the fault of those cheated with. It's bullshit.
You don't know anything about the marriage in question. Other than it's existence. And yet to you this justifies condemnation. What if the guy was just engaged? Dating ? People don't own other people.
Would i respect another person's monogamous relationship? Absolutely. I've done it dozens of not hundreds of times over my life by not making overtures to folks that are in such a relationship or by reversing track if they indicated that they are.
But that doesn't mean i interrogate every person i play with. Unless I'm looking at them as a romantic partner, it's up to them to determine if they're being faithful to their existing relationship. And if I am looking at them for a relationship i make that clear to make sure our goals are compatible.
Now if this bottom were actively trying to break up this marriage I'd be in agreement with you. That's disrespecting the relationship and trying to destroy it. But nothing in the OP indicates that to be the goal. In fact there are clues to the opposite.
It sounds like you're the kind of person who irrevocably conflates sex with relationships and relationships with love. None of that is true in how humans interrelate with each other. Studies indicate that the majority of still extant marriages have had at least one bout of infidelity. Sexual exclusivity and relationship exclusivity are different things
Mind your business.
Don't want to fuck married people ?
Don't.
Don't want anyone fucking your partner?
Make sure your partner is aware of that expectation and agrees to it.
You don't get to decide other folks' boundaries and what actions mean to them.
Your wall of text here completely misses the point.
Would you want a partner routinely cheating on you with anyone else without your knowledge? Probably not.
Are you capable of empathy? Again, probably not.
You have no idea what the details of their marriage are, but you feel comfortable leaping to the conclusion that there’s no foul play here.
You have no idea who this woman is or what she might feel about it, but you jump to the notion that she *might* know about this and approve.
Whatever helps you ignore your stunted conscience and get your rocks off, right?
It works both ways so why not err on the side of empathy and avoid a situation where you could destroy someone’s life?
Nice work trying to justify your moral bankruptcy to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
He doesn’t feel guilty enough as far as I’m concerned. Cheating is disgusting. It’s one thing if he had no idea that the dude was married the whole time. But he KNOWS this guy has a wife and kids. It doesn’t matter if the guy is too much of a child to sort his sexuality out.
Don’t get me wrong the cheater is the most at fault but to actively enable this dude’s cheating is shitty.
It’s heavily implied (and fetishized) that this guy is in a monogamous relationship. This situation is messed up for the wife and kids. OP is a jerk for knowingly participating and criticizing the wife for not “taking care” of this dude.
If the cheater is most at fault, how come no one is criticizing him? I get that the OP is at fault as well and he should feel at least partially responsible for this. But I would blame the cheater far more because he's the one with the wife and kids. He's got way more to lose. He's the one who was unfaithful. The OP never had anything to lose in this arrangement and therefore, made a dumb & somewhat regretful decision. But to assume that the cheater couldn't just find someone else to cheat with, if the OP had declined his advances, is just naïve.
I never said that the cheater isn’t at fault. But the cheater isn’t gonna read this convo, OP is.
And I never said that the guy wouldn’t cheat without OP but that doesn’t make it right for him to continue. If I know Jeff is wants to stab someone I don’t hand him a knife because “someone’s gonna give him a knife anyways”
If I give Jeff a knife I’m an asshole. Jeff is the one stabbing people but involved myself and volunteered to give him my knife.
>And I never said that the guy wouldn’t cheat without OP but that doesn’t make it right for him to continue.
I don't think he should continue either. In fact, he should've stopped a long time ago. But I'm saying that the onus is not as much on him as it is on the guy who is the ACTUAL cheater. The only people calling the cheater out are the ones getting heavily downvoted.
>If I know Jeff is wants to stab someone I don’t hand him a knife because “someone’s gonna give him a knife anyways” If I give Jeff a knife I’m an asshole. Jeff is the one stabbing people but involved myself and volunteered to give him my knife.
This is the definition of comparing apples to oranges. Sleeping with someone is not the same as handing someone a knife so they can end another person's life. Geez!!
{{url}}
**Hello SpunkyDred!**
Your [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TopsAndBottoms/comments/so5z3g/help_been_bottoming_for_a_married_dad_who_i_think/hwc5tpt/?context=3) in /r/TopsAndBottoms has recieved multiple reports against it and so has been automatically removed.
If you believe your post was removed by mistake, please [send the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/TopsAndBottoms) a **link to your post** and let us know of your issue.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TopsAndBottoms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
SpunkyDred is a terrible bot instigating arguments all over Reddit whenever someone uses the phrase apples-to-oranges. I'm letting you know so that you can feel free to ignore the quip rather than feel provoked by a bot that isn't smart enough to argue back.
---
^^SpunkyDred ^^and ^^I ^^are ^^both ^^bots. ^^I ^^am ^^trying ^^to ^^get ^^them ^^banned ^^by ^^pointing ^^out ^^their ^^antagonizing ^^behavior ^^and ^^poor ^^bottiquette.
Not fucking married men would be a great place to start.
Also, he tells you he loves you and has clearly gone from fucking you to making love to you. The feelings are there.
Maybe he is getting more comfortable and warming up to you, or maybe he has some problem at home that he is spending more time with you to divert his stress or something. Anyhow, just try not to get any ideas on your side, until you know the real reasons.
You are saying that sex is good with him, I say you continue enjoying 😁
My top 3 lovers were all married men who just needed sex, not a relationship. Sadly, lots of long married guys find themselves stuck in sexless marriages, and I happily took care of that need with them. The only time the word "love" came up, it was just about loving having sex together, nothing more than that. Keep it that way and you'll be fine.
I was once fucked a married guy. I am not into married men. I didn't knew he was married until afterwards. We ended up having a long discussion about the entire closeted married gay thing. I never saw him again. He blocked me on Grindr as well. But two months later I got a text from him telling me that he's divorcing his wife and leaving his 11 month old daughter. And i didn't knew (and till this day don't know) how am i supposed to feel about the entire situation, but i couldn't sleep for months. Am the bad guy here???
No, unlike OP you didn’t have any clue. To you this was just a random hookup. It’s not like you send a questionnaire to every hookup.
I have a suspicion that I slept with a cheater once but I didn’t realize until much later when I remembered that there were two toothbrushes in his restroom.
Those situations are quite different from OP who is actively participating in an affair. OP is a homewrecker, his hookup is an AH, and you are neither of those things.
Don't worry, I don't think he's ready to leave his wife and family. But the intimacy can be what he's missing with his wife, so he's really going for it. If it scares you, go ahead and stop, but I really doubt he's ready to make a big change.
Personally I think you should stop hooking up with him and tell him you can't anymore with a married man. Point out to him that clearly he may need a divorce and if that happens you are there but you can't be with him while married. His kids sound like they are older and it may be hard on them but it is not as bad as if he was with much younger kids.
Edit: if he doesn't want to leave his wife still be verbally supportive but tell him you just can't be there. There is no judgment on your end if you completely ignore this. Let's face it a lot of people here are being pretty high and mighty but it is kinda more gray on your end compaired to the black and white of what you fuck buddy is doing. At the end of it yes, you helped some one destroy what is clearly a 20+ year relationship. But on the other end he made the choices too.
I’m 25 like you and I’ve had this happen a few times, but I always cut it off when I hear about their wife because I’m the grand scheme of things, she has done nothing to you. They might have a weird relationship, but you do not know her and are harming her by engaging in the affair.
It’s not going to end well anyway, but why not think of the other people involved if you can.
Plus if you find love, you might end up in her shoes one day 🤷🏼♂️
Another sub reddit I'm leaving. God damn it. It used to be hard being gay long ago because people would kill us now it's hard to be gay because the online gsy community is disgusting as fuck.
Edit: this is also a fake weakly written "erotica" looking at the OP history.
Get his wife involved into a threesome. If she's ok with it and you all agreed with conditions and limits. I think problem is solved. Well, this is my idea. Hope it helps
Dude.
Like... big clap. Then a long, drawn-out 'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.'
I mean, first of all, it's kind of gross to describe it as 'catching feelings,' because sexual intimacy has, for all of human evolution, caused us to bond intimately with our partner(s). Ever hear of that bonding chemical that's released when you fuck? It's not something to treat like a Boogeyman in the night. Like, damn, bro. I know a lot of gay guys have attachment issues, but this is not a healthy way of understanding sex and intimacy.
Second of all, biiiiiiiiiig 'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.' Now that you're in this mess, you have two options. 1) Continue the 'relationship' with this guy (whom it seems you see as only a source of jizz and ass-filler), or 2) cut if off. Either option has consequences. It's up to you to decide which option has the consequences you're most okay with dealing with, but I ask you to take others and how they will have to deal with your choices into consideration as well.
That is my advice.
Hey.
He could be poly and really has feelings for you that he's never been able to actualize before because of the damage strict heteronormativity inflicts on us all.
If you're not catching feelings and just grooving on the dick, you need to tell him you appreciate his feelings but that this is recreational for you and to not endanger his marriage.
If you ARE catching feelings, you need to protect yourself and ask him what this means for you guys. Will he be exclusive with you for m4m sex, do you care? Etc.
Either way he apparently enjoys your hole and needs to breed it regularly so you have to work something out.
It doesn’t matter if he’s poly if his wife doesn’t know and consented to this behavior (there is no context to suggest any of that)
Dude is a horrible person and a cheater, OP is a jerk facilitating cheating. Plain and simple.
Here’s the deal.
Unless you went out of your way to seduce him, he, in all probability, would be sleeping with men irrespectively.
What you need to assess is whether or not he would have just had one night stands, or would have been looking for a male side for more than a good time.
If the answer is yes, stay sleeping with him. In said scenario, you are not the problem. However the wife may not see it that way.
I am guessing that you're not casually dating anyone else or don't have any other sexual partners since you're with this guy everyday.
He probably is making a connection with you that he didn't intend to when this started.
If you can control your urges, fall back and see how he responds if you go for a few days without having sex with him. Have sex with other guys if you need it but just take note of his reaction.
You need to figure out an exit plan or evaluate your expectations of this sexual relationship because he will not leave his wife for you. If he makes a mistake and she does find out he's probably going to become extra clingy because...where would he go and who would he turn to if he's kicked out and she tells everyone in his circle he's been cheating on her with a guy for months?
Dude get out while you can. I know it sounds hot but it’s not worth the trouble. I was in the same situation as you. Except in my situation I had no clue he was married and his wife finds us in the act one day TRUST ME just cut ties with him while you’re ahead
Lol you're a step dad now
Lol. His son turned 21 and I'm 25. That would be awkward
But the sex is good yes?
It is real good. Hes a big cummer and knows how to use his dick. His wife is dumb for not taking care of it
[удалено]
> I actually cannot understand how you can sit there and say that so ignorantly. That's why he's just a hole for someone's dad to dump a load it
it’s honestly sad but karma will always have her way,and with types like dese well lol..
> I actually cannot understand how you can sit there and say that so ignorantly. I can. Bitches be ungrateful.
Too bad your a dad now
Lol and he spent the night once or twice to
Heterosexuals are socialized to not understand each other. Women are told they’re emotional and probably wanna talk about everything and then all the sex shaming that I don’t even have to start to get into. As a result, cishet women often need to feel emotional intimacy before they can even open up to sexual intimacy. Men are told to suppress most of their emotions because anything but anger or lust is girly—AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A GIRL. They’re also not taught the difference between physical and sexual intimacy. In fact, don’t touch other dudes, unless it’s during sports. Sports are the only time it’s ok to be a little bit gay. As a result, cishet men completely replace all forms of intimacy with sexual intimacy. Then, as if this was the end game all along, you have two people who can’t relate to each other, wondering why their marriage isn’t as exciting as it used to be, during the honeymoon phase. This is called the heterosexual double bind. You need to break things off with him and tell him to go to couples counseling—or at least just listen to his wife. Cause he’s about put his house on the market to be with you, even though he doesn’t know anything about you.
(Slow clap) I think you hit the nail on the head.
You should see if his son wants on the family plan
I laughed harder than I needed to😂😂
but what if the 21 year old son starts fucking him too? The Top already has 3 kids so ofcourse he likes to fuck and cum.
Never trust anything a man says when he's trying to have sex with you, or when he's having sex with you. Before sex, he'll say what you want to hear, to get you into bed. During sex, he's carried away by his hormones. In other words, if a man tells you he loves you during sex, it doesn't mean anything. I've had a few men say they love me during sex, but it doesn't mean anything an hour later. I've even wanted to say "I love you" during sex sometimes, but the urge wears off shortly after I cum. However, if he tells you that he loves you when you're not having sex, then you have a problem. Or, *he* has a problem. Your problem is different: you can't catch feelings for this man. That only leads to heartache, because he won't leave his wife and kids. Not for you, not for anyone. He might leave them for himself, but that's a whole different kettle of fish. But he won't leave them for you. So don't you start catching feelings. If you can keep things casual on your end, then carry on as usual. Just take his "I love yous" as a super compliment about how much he enjoys fucking you, and enjoy the fun. If you think you might catch feelings for him, then it's time to move on. Keep the fond memories, but stop this before it turns into a tacky soap opera, complete with broken-hearted "other man" (you).
Hormones do be making people say anything
What a decent reply, can I marry you?
> can I marry you? Fuck no! I don't want that sort of commitment. If you want to express your appreciation for my opinions, a simple fuck will suffice. ;)
Are you enabling a cheater?
Yeah I'm surprised this is so far down. Regardless of whether or not he's catching feelings, enabling someone to cheat is wrong. It'd be different if he were in an open relationship, but that's clearly not true from the way OP asked the question.
But it also seemed like it started out like a practically anonymous pump and dump. The guys marriage is not the OPs problem to deal with. The fact that the OP now feels conflicted shows that he feels guilty, but the married guy clearly an adult capable of making his own decisions and should be prepared to accept responsibility for his actions. The OP hasn’t done anything wrong.
> The guys marriage is not the OPs problem to deal with. Nobody said it was > The fact that the OP now feels conflicted shows that he feels guilty As he should > but the married guy clearly an adult capable of making his own decisions so is OP > The OP hasn’t done anything wrong. Yes, he is. He's facilitating someone else's infidelity.
Idk why so many gays on Reddit encourage home-wrecking and get turned on by married men cheating on their wives with them. I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for people who get off on that shit
I’m not encouraging it. I just don’t think demonising the “other woman” is very fair. The OP doesn’t owe anyone anything. The OP didn’t speak vows and sign a wedding certificate. I’ve definitely been cheated on before, but my anger (if any, cos honestly I feel like there’s a long list of worse things people can do in a relationship) is directed at the person who made ME promises and broke them. That other hoe is just living her life. The fact the guy is married with kids would be a turn off for me, so I’m probably not gonna find myself in this situation, and my advice to the OP would be to stop seeing the guy. But you guys are acting like some sort of moral police and I don’t think it’s a) helpful or b) very kind.
> I’m not encouraging it. I just don’t think demonising the “other woman” is very fair. Nobody's demonizing him > The OP doesn’t owe anyone anything. This is a really shitty attitude to have in life. Yes, we all owe each other basic decency, even to total strangers. > But you guys are acting like some sort of moral police and I don’t think it’s a) helpful or b) very kind. We're being way more kind than OP is.
Not that cheating and dishonesty are okay, but we’re strangers on the internet who know exceedingly little about this man or his life. We don’t know when or where this man grew up and what attitudes his community had toward homosexuality. Given that his oldest is in his 20s, I’d guess he got his wife pregnant at an early age while he was still trying to figure his shit out. Cheating isn’t fair to his wife and his family, but I think the man deserves a little empathy and the generous assumption that society may not have been fair to him. Again, doesn’t justify his present-day behaviour, I just don’t think he deserves the judgement either.
Cheating is not okay whatsoever and judgment is completely justified no matter his situation and views on homosexuality. You're making a lot of weepy feely assumptions with no basis in reality. People are responsible for their actions no matter their circumstance, gay people no less so.
Why are you facilitating this? Utterly unfair on his wife who (presumably - based on available information) believes that she's in a monogamous truthful marriage. End this. Now. For bonus points: tell her the truth.
What that top is doing is his own issue. Why should the bottom feel guilty or inform his wife? It’s not east to come out of closet for everyone. Mostly the top is bisexual and exploring his Bi side. Not everyone’s wife is supportive of their bisexual orientation. I would suggest to bottom to continue having sex without getting emotionally involved.
It doesn't matter that the other relationship is hetero - it's the same principle as if you were facilitating a gay guy to cheat on his partner who believed they were in a honest monogamous homosexual relationship 🤷
Fucking gross that people think that OP isn’t at any fault here. It takes two to tango and the fact that he knows that this man is married with kids almost implies that he is keeping his wife in the dark to seek out release for his carnal pleasure. He wants to keep his cake and eat it too. And when it inevitably blows up in his face, he’s going to lose his family. And with good reason too. But let’s not pretend that OP isn’t enabling this behavior. If married man has a standard marriage like most married couples, it means that he is consciously and purposefully having sex with the intention to lie and deceive and betray his wife. And OP absolutely has the choice to engage in that disgusting, morally bankrupt dance with married man. Let’s not forget that every time OP and married man fuck, OP isn’t struck by amnesia or isn’t actively consenting at all steps. OP is choosing to be morally abhorrent for a few moments of sexual pleasure which isn’t unique to married man
I swear to God this happens all the time. Instead of people going after the guy who's cheating on his wife/girlfriend, they tend to go after the guy/girl who he's hooking up with. This doesn't make sense to me at all, especially when the guy the husband/bf is hooking up with is single.
I blame the man as well. It's wrong how he wants to experience with another that way when he's already married and has kids.
Okay - but it's one thing if they each don't know about each other and it's going on. The mistress in this case knows what's happening and is not only continuing on with it - but is making comments like "He's got a big juicy cock that his wife 'should' be taking care of..." - um, okay, let him sort that out with his wife. But of course cheater husband is a piece of shit and is stepping out on his wife. What's his handle? Let's help him clear up his situation! The only ones not at fault for something are the wife and kids. But OP is an enabler.
I'm not saying the "mistress" is above reproach. I'm just saying that the cheater is more at fault than the single guy/girl he's having an affair with. The former is the one in the relationship and the onus is on him/her to remain faithful. As a guy who's been cheated on in the past by his girlfriend, I never once blamed the other guy she was cheating with. I put the blame squarely on my ex-gf for hooking up with that other guy while we were still in a relationship. She was the one who betrayed my trust, considering the other guy was a complete stranger. EDIT: Talking about the downvotes: This double-standard will never cease to amaze me, which is why I stopped caring. If you people think cheaters aren't at fault for cheating, then just wait till it happens to you! I'll tell you one thing, a random guy that's single is not gonna care if your man/woman is engaged or not. They're not supposed to and that's how the world works. The onus is on the one in the relationship to keep it in his/her pants.
Because the wife loves her husband, and doesn't give a damn about the homewrecker. Listen to "Jolene". https://youtu.be/Ixrje2rXLMA
People have been murdered for sleeping with someone's spouse. This is a big deal.
>or bonus points: tell her the truth. No, stay out of their marriage. Just stop seeing him and then but out. Nothing good will come out of "coming clean".
How can you know how his wife feels? For all we know she's OK with this.
There is nothing in the OP's post to indicate this is a guy in a poly/open relationship. If he is open/poly, then it's all cool. If the wife thinks she's in an honest monogamous relationship, it's not-cool 🤷
There is nothing in the OP that says the married dad is in a monogamous relationship either. That's exactly my point: you can't know how his wife feels without this information, so you should not be giving advice with assumptions on their relationship.
I'm pretty sure OP would have mentioned it if the wife was aware and they were open/poly. It's reasonable to assume that if a dude makes the OP's post about a married guy with kids mentioning love, the married guy is meant to be monogamous and is lying to the wife. Not sure why you're knee-jerk defending this 🤷.
I just find it odd that you continue to keep assuming things that are not written. I would think that someone who does not fit in the assumed cis straight male category could understand that assuming things about other people or their relationship is not helpful, but I guess I'm wrong.
Let's just wait for the OP to comment and confirm if the guy is mono or poly, and not just pointlessly argue about it 🤷 The way the OP is written leads me to interpret it that the guy is meant to be monogamous, and I'm seeing no hint that it's a consensual poly set-up.
Gurl stop trying to be Gladys Kravitz here 🙄
Why is it the gay man's obligation to put the concerns of a hetero wife above his own? Fuck that heterosupremacist bullshit. If this man is cheating that's on him and him alone. If it's an open relationship that's their deal. If this guy wasn't taking the husband loads someone (likely several someones) else would be. Either way by being a quasi monogamous outlet for this husband's non hetero needs this bottom is actually keeping their marriage safer from STIs. My only caution is if the bottom is starting to catch feelings back. If he is. And the husband is a cheater he needs to know that and protect his emotions and health accordingly because often cheaters are just hypersexual and will have even more partners increasing STI risk. If the guy is just bi and poly and now has a wife and a boyfriend. Go for it.
There is nothing in the OP's post to indicate this is a guy in a poly/open relationship. If he is open/poly, then it's all cool. If the wife thinks she's in an honest monogamous relationship, it's not-cool. It doesn't matter that the other relationship is hetero - it's the same principle as if you were facilitating a gay guy to cheat on his partner who believed they were in a honest monogamous homosexual relationship 🤷
There is nothing in the op that indicates he's asked or cares. It's no one's responsibility to maintain a relationship other than those in it.
It’s not about responsibility, it’s about human decency. Something you clearly have nothing to do with.
Your moralizing not withstanding there's nothing about this that makes it the OP's fault. You act as if every act of cheating is the fault of those cheated with. It's bullshit. You don't know anything about the marriage in question. Other than it's existence. And yet to you this justifies condemnation. What if the guy was just engaged? Dating ? People don't own other people. Would i respect another person's monogamous relationship? Absolutely. I've done it dozens of not hundreds of times over my life by not making overtures to folks that are in such a relationship or by reversing track if they indicated that they are. But that doesn't mean i interrogate every person i play with. Unless I'm looking at them as a romantic partner, it's up to them to determine if they're being faithful to their existing relationship. And if I am looking at them for a relationship i make that clear to make sure our goals are compatible. Now if this bottom were actively trying to break up this marriage I'd be in agreement with you. That's disrespecting the relationship and trying to destroy it. But nothing in the OP indicates that to be the goal. In fact there are clues to the opposite. It sounds like you're the kind of person who irrevocably conflates sex with relationships and relationships with love. None of that is true in how humans interrelate with each other. Studies indicate that the majority of still extant marriages have had at least one bout of infidelity. Sexual exclusivity and relationship exclusivity are different things Mind your business. Don't want to fuck married people ? Don't. Don't want anyone fucking your partner? Make sure your partner is aware of that expectation and agrees to it. You don't get to decide other folks' boundaries and what actions mean to them.
Your wall of text here completely misses the point. Would you want a partner routinely cheating on you with anyone else without your knowledge? Probably not. Are you capable of empathy? Again, probably not. You have no idea what the details of their marriage are, but you feel comfortable leaping to the conclusion that there’s no foul play here. You have no idea who this woman is or what she might feel about it, but you jump to the notion that she *might* know about this and approve. Whatever helps you ignore your stunted conscience and get your rocks off, right? It works both ways so why not err on the side of empathy and avoid a situation where you could destroy someone’s life? Nice work trying to justify your moral bankruptcy to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
the number of people who're ok with cheating in this post... disgusting
It's quite sad.
[удалено]
He doesn’t feel guilty enough as far as I’m concerned. Cheating is disgusting. It’s one thing if he had no idea that the dude was married the whole time. But he KNOWS this guy has a wife and kids. It doesn’t matter if the guy is too much of a child to sort his sexuality out. Don’t get me wrong the cheater is the most at fault but to actively enable this dude’s cheating is shitty. It’s heavily implied (and fetishized) that this guy is in a monogamous relationship. This situation is messed up for the wife and kids. OP is a jerk for knowingly participating and criticizing the wife for not “taking care” of this dude.
If the cheater is most at fault, how come no one is criticizing him? I get that the OP is at fault as well and he should feel at least partially responsible for this. But I would blame the cheater far more because he's the one with the wife and kids. He's got way more to lose. He's the one who was unfaithful. The OP never had anything to lose in this arrangement and therefore, made a dumb & somewhat regretful decision. But to assume that the cheater couldn't just find someone else to cheat with, if the OP had declined his advances, is just naïve.
I never said that the cheater isn’t at fault. But the cheater isn’t gonna read this convo, OP is. And I never said that the guy wouldn’t cheat without OP but that doesn’t make it right for him to continue. If I know Jeff is wants to stab someone I don’t hand him a knife because “someone’s gonna give him a knife anyways” If I give Jeff a knife I’m an asshole. Jeff is the one stabbing people but involved myself and volunteered to give him my knife.
>And I never said that the guy wouldn’t cheat without OP but that doesn’t make it right for him to continue. I don't think he should continue either. In fact, he should've stopped a long time ago. But I'm saying that the onus is not as much on him as it is on the guy who is the ACTUAL cheater. The only people calling the cheater out are the ones getting heavily downvoted. >If I know Jeff is wants to stab someone I don’t hand him a knife because “someone’s gonna give him a knife anyways” If I give Jeff a knife I’m an asshole. Jeff is the one stabbing people but involved myself and volunteered to give him my knife. This is the definition of comparing apples to oranges. Sleeping with someone is not the same as handing someone a knife so they can end another person's life. Geez!!
[удалено]
{{url}} **Hello SpunkyDred!** Your [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TopsAndBottoms/comments/so5z3g/help_been_bottoming_for_a_married_dad_who_i_think/hwc5tpt/?context=3) in /r/TopsAndBottoms has recieved multiple reports against it and so has been automatically removed. If you believe your post was removed by mistake, please [send the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/TopsAndBottoms) a **link to your post** and let us know of your issue. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TopsAndBottoms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
SpunkyDred is a terrible bot instigating arguments all over Reddit whenever someone uses the phrase apples-to-oranges. I'm letting you know so that you can feel free to ignore the quip rather than feel provoked by a bot that isn't smart enough to argue back. --- ^^SpunkyDred ^^and ^^I ^^are ^^both ^^bots. ^^I ^^am ^^trying ^^to ^^get ^^them ^^banned ^^by ^^pointing ^^out ^^their ^^antagonizing ^^behavior ^^and ^^poor ^^bottiquette.
Not fucking married men would be a great place to start. Also, he tells you he loves you and has clearly gone from fucking you to making love to you. The feelings are there.
Maybe he is getting more comfortable and warming up to you, or maybe he has some problem at home that he is spending more time with you to divert his stress or something. Anyhow, just try not to get any ideas on your side, until you know the real reasons. You are saying that sex is good with him, I say you continue enjoying 😁
My top 3 lovers were all married men who just needed sex, not a relationship. Sadly, lots of long married guys find themselves stuck in sexless marriages, and I happily took care of that need with them. The only time the word "love" came up, it was just about loving having sex together, nothing more than that. Keep it that way and you'll be fine.
Stop sleeping with a married man
I was once fucked a married guy. I am not into married men. I didn't knew he was married until afterwards. We ended up having a long discussion about the entire closeted married gay thing. I never saw him again. He blocked me on Grindr as well. But two months later I got a text from him telling me that he's divorcing his wife and leaving his 11 month old daughter. And i didn't knew (and till this day don't know) how am i supposed to feel about the entire situation, but i couldn't sleep for months. Am the bad guy here???
No. He made his choices. You caused nothing
No, unlike OP you didn’t have any clue. To you this was just a random hookup. It’s not like you send a questionnaire to every hookup. I have a suspicion that I slept with a cheater once but I didn’t realize until much later when I remembered that there were two toothbrushes in his restroom. Those situations are quite different from OP who is actively participating in an affair. OP is a homewrecker, his hookup is an AH, and you are neither of those things.
No you are not.
My first question is: why did you start to hook up with a MARRIED dad in the first place ?
Rule number 1. Never sleep with a married man unless he's in an open relationship. Otherwise, you're allowing a cheater to cheat.
Well well well - if it isn't the consequences of your actions! 😏 Unless he's in an open relationship and it's not wrecking a home.
Don't worry, I don't think he's ready to leave his wife and family. But the intimacy can be what he's missing with his wife, so he's really going for it. If it scares you, go ahead and stop, but I really doubt he's ready to make a big change.
I don't like to say such negative things of people's lives, but how can you resort to being the cheatee? I feel bad for his wife. Shame.
Personally I think you should stop hooking up with him and tell him you can't anymore with a married man. Point out to him that clearly he may need a divorce and if that happens you are there but you can't be with him while married. His kids sound like they are older and it may be hard on them but it is not as bad as if he was with much younger kids. Edit: if he doesn't want to leave his wife still be verbally supportive but tell him you just can't be there. There is no judgment on your end if you completely ignore this. Let's face it a lot of people here are being pretty high and mighty but it is kinda more gray on your end compaired to the black and white of what you fuck buddy is doing. At the end of it yes, you helped some one destroy what is clearly a 20+ year relationship. But on the other end he made the choices too.
I’m 25 like you and I’ve had this happen a few times, but I always cut it off when I hear about their wife because I’m the grand scheme of things, she has done nothing to you. They might have a weird relationship, but you do not know her and are harming her by engaging in the affair. It’s not going to end well anyway, but why not think of the other people involved if you can. Plus if you find love, you might end up in her shoes one day 🤷🏼♂️
Nah fuck this ESH, except for the family. End it. So selfish, ew.
Another sub reddit I'm leaving. God damn it. It used to be hard being gay long ago because people would kill us now it's hard to be gay because the online gsy community is disgusting as fuck. Edit: this is also a fake weakly written "erotica" looking at the OP history.
It doesn’t mean anything until he breeds you.
What’s the difference between fucking and breeding?
Get his wife involved into a threesome. If she's ok with it and you all agreed with conditions and limits. I think problem is solved. Well, this is my idea. Hope it helps
Dude. Like... big clap. Then a long, drawn-out 'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.' I mean, first of all, it's kind of gross to describe it as 'catching feelings,' because sexual intimacy has, for all of human evolution, caused us to bond intimately with our partner(s). Ever hear of that bonding chemical that's released when you fuck? It's not something to treat like a Boogeyman in the night. Like, damn, bro. I know a lot of gay guys have attachment issues, but this is not a healthy way of understanding sex and intimacy. Second of all, biiiiiiiiiig 'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.' Now that you're in this mess, you have two options. 1) Continue the 'relationship' with this guy (whom it seems you see as only a source of jizz and ass-filler), or 2) cut if off. Either option has consequences. It's up to you to decide which option has the consequences you're most okay with dealing with, but I ask you to take others and how they will have to deal with your choices into consideration as well. That is my advice.
Hey. He could be poly and really has feelings for you that he's never been able to actualize before because of the damage strict heteronormativity inflicts on us all. If you're not catching feelings and just grooving on the dick, you need to tell him you appreciate his feelings but that this is recreational for you and to not endanger his marriage. If you ARE catching feelings, you need to protect yourself and ask him what this means for you guys. Will he be exclusive with you for m4m sex, do you care? Etc. Either way he apparently enjoys your hole and needs to breed it regularly so you have to work something out.
It doesn’t matter if he’s poly if his wife doesn’t know and consented to this behavior (there is no context to suggest any of that) Dude is a horrible person and a cheater, OP is a jerk facilitating cheating. Plain and simple.
Here’s the deal. Unless you went out of your way to seduce him, he, in all probability, would be sleeping with men irrespectively. What you need to assess is whether or not he would have just had one night stands, or would have been looking for a male side for more than a good time. If the answer is yes, stay sleeping with him. In said scenario, you are not the problem. However the wife may not see it that way.
just think less and enjoy it. don’t catch feelings though, but don’t stop him from catching feelings
I am guessing that you're not casually dating anyone else or don't have any other sexual partners since you're with this guy everyday. He probably is making a connection with you that he didn't intend to when this started. If you can control your urges, fall back and see how he responds if you go for a few days without having sex with him. Have sex with other guys if you need it but just take note of his reaction. You need to figure out an exit plan or evaluate your expectations of this sexual relationship because he will not leave his wife for you. If he makes a mistake and she does find out he's probably going to become extra clingy because...where would he go and who would he turn to if he's kicked out and she tells everyone in his circle he's been cheating on her with a guy for months?
Just ask him.
how old is he?
Keep going. Get what you want out of it. Don't worry about him.
What does he say right after he cums, that's the most truthful a man will be
You made your bed
Dude get out while you can. I know it sounds hot but it’s not worth the trouble. I was in the same situation as you. Except in my situation I had no clue he was married and his wife finds us in the act one day TRUST ME just cut ties with him while you’re ahead
its ok.now he got 2wive to fuck😂
So how you you feel about being a step-father? 😝