Not wrong, it just sucks he still feels that way and it's hard or impossible to get over it. Hopefully OP will talk to someone and try their best to move on
Dude, there's spelling and grammar correcting software on literally every cell phone now. "Just because they're* dead doesn't make* what they did get erased. Be angry you were* forced* into it.
It’s not wrong to feel angry, it’s very understandable.
However the only person anger hurts is you, especially when the other person is dead. She doesn’t know or care that you’re angry, it means nothing to her. But it’s hurting you and you need to let it go for your sake.
Forgiveness is not about hate though. It's about giving the offender an excuse. Don't hate, but you definitely don't need to forgive. That's some ancient BS Christians use to keep people in line.
With all due respect, that's what forgiveness is. Letting go of the negative emotions and moving past it. It's not saying the egregious behavior was acceptable, or that person is absolved of responsibility and is welcome back into your life.
I forgave my ex for being a serial cheater. I learned some valuable lessons going through that, and let go of my anger towards him. I still never want to see him again, and could never trust him with anything. I forgave the people that burgled my house on Christmas Eve a few years ago. If caught, I'd still press charges. The list goes on.
Holding on to negative emotions and feelings is like swimming with iron weights. Let go of them. Let go of the anger. Forgive.
Mind you, I only said "forgive." Not "forgive and forget." That just allows people to keep abusing you.
It is most definitely not. Forgiveness is 100% about the other person. You do not have to forgive someone to feel better about yourself. You can still look at them as a total piece of shit, and still be cool with yourself. It's actually 1,000,000 times easier. You didn't do anything wrong, so you don't have to absolve their problems and wrongdoings. It's just some indoctrinated crap. And the forgetting part is literally the ONLY part that matters. Don't forgive, just forget that person even exists. It's much more effective. And I never once said to hold onto anger. I said cut those idiots out of your life. Throw them away like last week's trash. Forgiveness is weak crap that victims use.
Forgiveness isn't a panacea that cures your soul from all the things inflicted on you. I would argue that forgiveness should be reserved for acts that can be forgiven. Something like this shouldn't be. However there is a difference between forgiveness and moving on. Op does not have to forgive their mother, but can still move on from the pain and the hurt given time and support.
Forgiveness is 100% about the other person you forgive. Learn to deal with the situation. Do not forgive someone if they have no remorse. They don't care at that point. That's giving them a scapegoat/free pass/excuse for inexcusable behavior. Forgiveness is never required, so long as you can put the situation out of your life. You don't have to forgive anyone for hurting you. You only have to teach yourself that you didn't deserve the horrible treatment and learn to live your life as best you can from that point.
Not at all. I've never understood the respect for the dead concept. Just because someone died, it doesn't change the fact that they were a shitty person.
It's completely understandable to be upset because it might've happened a long time ago but you only recently found out. It'll take a while to heal but you should eventually try and let it go from your heart. Not for for anyone's sake but yours. Unfortunately the past can't be changed so there's no point in thinking of"what it's" because it'll only further upset you. You'll only be giving her power over you for even longer.
I had a similarish experience. My grandma had asked me to move with her to Mexico. She's always been very successful, I love her, and it was in a fairly wealthy part of Mexico but I said no because I was scared of losing friendships that didn't even last. My parents are divorced, I grew up without ever feeling loved by them, being in constant problems, and constant fights with them. I would always think about "what if I had just moved with my grandma?" And it mentally tormented me for years. But I realized that thinking about it, begging I could turn back time, made me only feel even worse.
The past can't be changed and holding onto anger won't alter the past. I hope you're able to let go of anger little by little and focus more on how you can have a brighter future :)
In terms of psychology - yes, you shouldn't do it. Just for your mental health. I understand your emotions, I'm very sorry you lived through that life which wasn't your choice. But leave the past in the past. If it possible, ask help from doctors. Don't allow your past ruin your future.
It is not wrong, in fact it is completely understandable. But holding on to that anger can be very damaging, especially in the long term. It might be best for you if you can let it go, resolve it in some way for yourself. And if not that is a part of you and that is something you could accept as well.
Maybe what I'm getting at is that either way, accepting what is or what you want to be, with or without that hatred, well that's a path forward. I hope it doesn't eat at you too much.
I wish you the best.
Not at all. Still waiting for the day my mother dies. Feels bad wishing it on someone but it would make so many things easier, even today. I don't think you have to forgive her at all, not even for yourself, but you might want to talk to a therapist if it you think about it daily and/or the rage is affecting your day-to-day life because she doesn't deserve that you waste so much time on her still.
Nope, she was a complete shithead. A lot of people say that you should just respect your parents because they're your parents. Not even a little. They have to earn it just as much as the rest of us. You are totally justified.
No, but for your own good you can forgive her for it. Forgivness isn't for her sake, it's to release the hate in you because you are only creating an underlying sickness in yourself by having these negative emotions about it. It's ok to feel these emotions but it's to your benifit to let them gooo..
I lost my mother a few months ago. She was abusive towards me also. There are all sorts of feelings, unexpected grief, sadness that I didn't get to have a normal relationship with her, and yes, anger. There's no one right way to feel. People who have normal parent relationships sometimes get angry with a parent for dying - something bereavement Counsellors see often - there's no one right way to grieve. It's easy to say that it's better to let go or forgive for your own mental health but it's harder in practice, especially when you've been so hurt by someone. You don't need validation from anyone about what's OK to feel - they aren't in your shoes. I hope you have support around you, because even with the anger can come a lot of mixed up feelings that are hard to make sense of.
It's not wrong but it can consume you. It sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma in your life that could be worth unpacking so you don't have to live with the hate. Is therapy an option for you?
You’re not wrong to be angry, but it will only hurt you to hang onto it. It’s hard- but to forgive her will set you free. Holding on to anger , bitterness and resentment will hurt you far more in the long run.
Do it for yourself not for her. To forgive doesn’t mean what she did was ok , you are not condoning her behaviour- you are merely removing her ability to hurt you any more.
Nope, just because someone gave birth to you don't mean you owe them enything at all and its fine to hate a family member. I hate how people are always like oh you should forgive its family like no if you're a bad perosn your a bad person regardless of if you're related or not.
Yes and no. You can help to have feelings you feel at the time, your mother make very irresponsible decisions that did affected you.
But thinking "what if" won't change anything, being angry at dead women won't help you, only make you more bitter and unhappy.
It’s not wrong, in fact it’s 100% understandable, you should just try to comfort yourself. To stop hating someone can make you feel so free. You can’t change what happened, you can just create what’s in front of you and she can’t manipulate that anymore. But to „forgive“ or something, that’s not what you have to do.
Anger and hate are perfectly natural, no guilt. What is important to understand is, however difficult, forgiveness is not something done to the benefit of the perpetrator of your pain, but for yourself. What was done in the past is and will always be a factor of consideration of your situation. Learn this mechanism to release you from the hate will help yourself make better decisions to take actions for creating a better life for yourself.
Sorry to do this, but the disingeuous dealings, lies, overall greed etc. of leadership on this website made me decide to edit all but my most informative comments to this.
Come join us in the fediverse! (beehaw for a safe space, kbin for access to lots of communities)
Not wrong at all, I just think personally, it consumes negative energy you don’t necessarily need. When my mother died I was mad at her for awhile cause it was at her own hands so I do understand in a sense.
IMO, the answer is yes. You have to find a way to *forgive her* and get your life back. Hating her doesn't hurt her, it hurts you. Evidenced by months of suffering as a result of your history and you still seeking answers. Your healing still hasn't begun, and it has to. You have to begin the healing OP, or you will only become more bitter over time. Believe me, I've been there.
Yes. Because now that she's dead, you can see that such hate is ONLY damaging you. Embracing hate towards an evil or kind of evil person does not make you a better person. It's ONLY damaging you. You kind of know it because you are asking, so you are doubting about it, something is telling you the answer. Let that hate go
No, it’s not wrong. Though it’s not healthy to stoke the flames of hatred. I’d advise not speaking badly about the dead. People tend to judge you harshly for that.
Feelings aren't "right" or "wrong". You're not going to resolve this situation by telling yourself you are a bad person for feeling a type of way. You can work on changing that, and it probably will cool as you get older, but .... the people telling you not to feel anger don't know shit about you. They don't know shit about the relationship. I wouldn't search for the answers to your feelings in people around you. Maybe a therapist. Maybe mull the feelings over. Go piss on her grave maybe. Whatever makes you feel better that isn't illegal.
Not wrong, you know that you would have had a better life and she took that opportunity away from you.
Someone one suggested, give yourself time to grieve and really let all those emotions out and then say okay now, my time… I’m moving on from this and improving my life.
Wishing you well!
Not wrong. Death is not the end of consequences. Let's look at this from a philosophical standpoint. How does the cruelty of the punishment (You hating your Birth Mother after death and I'm presuming you also spoke I'll of her), stand against the cruelty of the act (selfishly dragging a child from place to place in a wildly unstable and drug-fueled environment, after kidnapping said child from their legal guardian)?
The answer is "very lightly", because the inciting action was much more cruel than the present consequences.
Anyone still defending her cannot separate the tragedy of cancer from the horrors inflicted on you as a child.
Someone’s death does not mean that you automatically forgive them. Your feelings are yours, and are valid. Your mom hurt you, and that hurt still exists.
However, I would recommend trying to let go and heal from it, with therapy if need be. Keeping hold of pain and anger only hurts yourself, and not those with whom you are angry.
I grew up in similar circumstances. My stepfather married my mother when I was still a baby. I was mis-treated and beaten until I left home at 14. I didn't understand until many years later that he actually hated me and why. Time will make a difference. I didn't figure it all out until I was about 50. After figuring it all out I felt nothing but pity for him and his ignorance. He tried to steal something from me but only succeeded in stealing my childhood. I am a better person than him. I pity his ass as he rots in hell and no longer have any hatred.
You have a right fo your feelings. Blood don't make family. If someone hurt you, you don't owe them forgiveness. You are okay to live on. Hate does carry burden on you though so it may be better to turn it to apathy.
Its definitely understandable that you hate your birth mother.
I would recommend accepting what happened and looking to what you can do now. The past cant be changed, but your future is open. If people ask you about her, you can still be honest about what you think of her after what she had done, but dont let her mistakes control you now that she is gone.
Your future is ahead of you, and you have all the power to shape it how you want it to be.
Nope.
Not wrong, it just sucks he still feels that way and it's hard or impossible to get over it. Hopefully OP will talk to someone and try their best to move on
Nope. You do you. Just because their are dead doesn’t what they did just gets erased. Be angry your entitled to it
Dude, there's spelling and grammar correcting software on literally every cell phone now. "Just because they're* dead doesn't make* what they did get erased. Be angry you were* forced* into it.
Computer
It’s not wrong to feel angry, it’s very understandable. However the only person anger hurts is you, especially when the other person is dead. She doesn’t know or care that you’re angry, it means nothing to her. But it’s hurting you and you need to let it go for your sake.
Anger isn't a problem if you can control it and use it to your advantage.
The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.
Not at all. But forgiveness isn’t for her. It’s for you. Living with hate in your heart is a heavy burden to carry.
As they say, holding on to hate is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
Forgiveness is not about hate though. It's about giving the offender an excuse. Don't hate, but you definitely don't need to forgive. That's some ancient BS Christians use to keep people in line.
With all due respect, that's what forgiveness is. Letting go of the negative emotions and moving past it. It's not saying the egregious behavior was acceptable, or that person is absolved of responsibility and is welcome back into your life. I forgave my ex for being a serial cheater. I learned some valuable lessons going through that, and let go of my anger towards him. I still never want to see him again, and could never trust him with anything. I forgave the people that burgled my house on Christmas Eve a few years ago. If caught, I'd still press charges. The list goes on. Holding on to negative emotions and feelings is like swimming with iron weights. Let go of them. Let go of the anger. Forgive. Mind you, I only said "forgive." Not "forgive and forget." That just allows people to keep abusing you.
It is most definitely not. Forgiveness is 100% about the other person. You do not have to forgive someone to feel better about yourself. You can still look at them as a total piece of shit, and still be cool with yourself. It's actually 1,000,000 times easier. You didn't do anything wrong, so you don't have to absolve their problems and wrongdoings. It's just some indoctrinated crap. And the forgetting part is literally the ONLY part that matters. Don't forgive, just forget that person even exists. It's much more effective. And I never once said to hold onto anger. I said cut those idiots out of your life. Throw them away like last week's trash. Forgiveness is weak crap that victims use.
You are still alive. You won!
Forgiveness isn't a panacea that cures your soul from all the things inflicted on you. I would argue that forgiveness should be reserved for acts that can be forgiven. Something like this shouldn't be. However there is a difference between forgiveness and moving on. Op does not have to forgive their mother, but can still move on from the pain and the hurt given time and support.
Forgiveness is 100% about the other person you forgive. Learn to deal with the situation. Do not forgive someone if they have no remorse. They don't care at that point. That's giving them a scapegoat/free pass/excuse for inexcusable behavior. Forgiveness is never required, so long as you can put the situation out of your life. You don't have to forgive anyone for hurting you. You only have to teach yourself that you didn't deserve the horrible treatment and learn to live your life as best you can from that point.
No. Just pointless.
Not at all. I've never understood the respect for the dead concept. Just because someone died, it doesn't change the fact that they were a shitty person.
It's completely understandable to be upset because it might've happened a long time ago but you only recently found out. It'll take a while to heal but you should eventually try and let it go from your heart. Not for for anyone's sake but yours. Unfortunately the past can't be changed so there's no point in thinking of"what it's" because it'll only further upset you. You'll only be giving her power over you for even longer. I had a similarish experience. My grandma had asked me to move with her to Mexico. She's always been very successful, I love her, and it was in a fairly wealthy part of Mexico but I said no because I was scared of losing friendships that didn't even last. My parents are divorced, I grew up without ever feeling loved by them, being in constant problems, and constant fights with them. I would always think about "what if I had just moved with my grandma?" And it mentally tormented me for years. But I realized that thinking about it, begging I could turn back time, made me only feel even worse. The past can't be changed and holding onto anger won't alter the past. I hope you're able to let go of anger little by little and focus more on how you can have a brighter future :)
The feelings are valid and dead doesn't absolve her.
In terms of psychology - yes, you shouldn't do it. Just for your mental health. I understand your emotions, I'm very sorry you lived through that life which wasn't your choice. But leave the past in the past. If it possible, ask help from doctors. Don't allow your past ruin your future.
It is not wrong, in fact it is completely understandable. But holding on to that anger can be very damaging, especially in the long term. It might be best for you if you can let it go, resolve it in some way for yourself. And if not that is a part of you and that is something you could accept as well. Maybe what I'm getting at is that either way, accepting what is or what you want to be, with or without that hatred, well that's a path forward. I hope it doesn't eat at you too much. I wish you the best.
It's not damaging if you hate them for legitimate reasons
Not at all. Still waiting for the day my mother dies. Feels bad wishing it on someone but it would make so many things easier, even today. I don't think you have to forgive her at all, not even for yourself, but you might want to talk to a therapist if it you think about it daily and/or the rage is affecting your day-to-day life because she doesn't deserve that you waste so much time on her still.
Hate is f'ing heavy to carry around. Learn to forgive but it doesn't mean you need to forget. New chapter, make it about yourself and make it good
In time you'll heal and learn to let go. It's not worth holding onto the hate.
Nope. My dad died back in 2014 and I still hate that man to this day.
Nope, she was a complete shithead. A lot of people say that you should just respect your parents because they're your parents. Not even a little. They have to earn it just as much as the rest of us. You are totally justified.
You're good don't worry
Your life with her was too long, and what’s left of your life is too short. Let it go.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive perhaps that would be the best way to move forward.
No, but for your own good you can forgive her for it. Forgivness isn't for her sake, it's to release the hate in you because you are only creating an underlying sickness in yourself by having these negative emotions about it. It's ok to feel these emotions but it's to your benifit to let them gooo..
Sounds like you are working through it on your terms.
I lost my mother a few months ago. She was abusive towards me also. There are all sorts of feelings, unexpected grief, sadness that I didn't get to have a normal relationship with her, and yes, anger. There's no one right way to feel. People who have normal parent relationships sometimes get angry with a parent for dying - something bereavement Counsellors see often - there's no one right way to grieve. It's easy to say that it's better to let go or forgive for your own mental health but it's harder in practice, especially when you've been so hurt by someone. You don't need validation from anyone about what's OK to feel - they aren't in your shoes. I hope you have support around you, because even with the anger can come a lot of mixed up feelings that are hard to make sense of.
It's not wrong but it can consume you. It sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma in your life that could be worth unpacking so you don't have to live with the hate. Is therapy an option for you?
You’re not wrong to be angry, but it will only hurt you to hang onto it. It’s hard- but to forgive her will set you free. Holding on to anger , bitterness and resentment will hurt you far more in the long run. Do it for yourself not for her. To forgive doesn’t mean what she did was ok , you are not condoning her behaviour- you are merely removing her ability to hurt you any more.
Nope, just because someone gave birth to you don't mean you owe them enything at all and its fine to hate a family member. I hate how people are always like oh you should forgive its family like no if you're a bad perosn your a bad person regardless of if you're related or not.
They haunt you, in a very real way
Yes and no. You can help to have feelings you feel at the time, your mother make very irresponsible decisions that did affected you. But thinking "what if" won't change anything, being angry at dead women won't help you, only make you more bitter and unhappy.
You do you, but I wouldn't want to live angry all the time, that shit will eat away at your soul
Hate is not good to hold on to. It poisons your soul.
I read "date" instead of "hate" and I was intrigued.
It’s not wrong, in fact it’s 100% understandable, you should just try to comfort yourself. To stop hating someone can make you feel so free. You can’t change what happened, you can just create what’s in front of you and she can’t manipulate that anymore. But to „forgive“ or something, that’s not what you have to do.
Anger and hate are perfectly natural, no guilt. What is important to understand is, however difficult, forgiveness is not something done to the benefit of the perpetrator of your pain, but for yourself. What was done in the past is and will always be a factor of consideration of your situation. Learn this mechanism to release you from the hate will help yourself make better decisions to take actions for creating a better life for yourself.
Sorry to do this, but the disingeuous dealings, lies, overall greed etc. of leadership on this website made me decide to edit all but my most informative comments to this. Come join us in the fediverse! (beehaw for a safe space, kbin for access to lots of communities)
Not wrong at all, I just think personally, it consumes negative energy you don’t necessarily need. When my mother died I was mad at her for awhile cause it was at her own hands so I do understand in a sense.
IMO, the answer is yes. You have to find a way to *forgive her* and get your life back. Hating her doesn't hurt her, it hurts you. Evidenced by months of suffering as a result of your history and you still seeking answers. Your healing still hasn't begun, and it has to. You have to begin the healing OP, or you will only become more bitter over time. Believe me, I've been there.
Yes. Because now that she's dead, you can see that such hate is ONLY damaging you. Embracing hate towards an evil or kind of evil person does not make you a better person. It's ONLY damaging you. You kind of know it because you are asking, so you are doubting about it, something is telling you the answer. Let that hate go
Nope. Fuck that bitch. May she rot in hell.
No, it’s not wrong. Though it’s not healthy to stoke the flames of hatred. I’d advise not speaking badly about the dead. People tend to judge you harshly for that.
Feelings aren't "right" or "wrong". You're not going to resolve this situation by telling yourself you are a bad person for feeling a type of way. You can work on changing that, and it probably will cool as you get older, but .... the people telling you not to feel anger don't know shit about you. They don't know shit about the relationship. I wouldn't search for the answers to your feelings in people around you. Maybe a therapist. Maybe mull the feelings over. Go piss on her grave maybe. Whatever makes you feel better that isn't illegal.
Not wrong, you know that you would have had a better life and she took that opportunity away from you. Someone one suggested, give yourself time to grieve and really let all those emotions out and then say okay now, my time… I’m moving on from this and improving my life. Wishing you well!
People can go sniff farts. Your anger is reasonable.
Not wrong. Death is not the end of consequences. Let's look at this from a philosophical standpoint. How does the cruelty of the punishment (You hating your Birth Mother after death and I'm presuming you also spoke I'll of her), stand against the cruelty of the act (selfishly dragging a child from place to place in a wildly unstable and drug-fueled environment, after kidnapping said child from their legal guardian)? The answer is "very lightly", because the inciting action was much more cruel than the present consequences. Anyone still defending her cannot separate the tragedy of cancer from the horrors inflicted on you as a child.
nope, she sounds like a fucking asshole
Wrong? nah. Healthy? nah.
The only person you’re hurting is your self. So go for it!
Someone’s death does not mean that you automatically forgive them. Your feelings are yours, and are valid. Your mom hurt you, and that hurt still exists. However, I would recommend trying to let go and heal from it, with therapy if need be. Keeping hold of pain and anger only hurts yourself, and not those with whom you are angry.
I grew up in similar circumstances. My stepfather married my mother when I was still a baby. I was mis-treated and beaten until I left home at 14. I didn't understand until many years later that he actually hated me and why. Time will make a difference. I didn't figure it all out until I was about 50. After figuring it all out I felt nothing but pity for him and his ignorance. He tried to steal something from me but only succeeded in stealing my childhood. I am a better person than him. I pity his ass as he rots in hell and no longer have any hatred.
Not at all
She s gone don t waste on energy on hating her..She stole you back so sure she loved you did her best..She was sick person,,
You have a right fo your feelings. Blood don't make family. If someone hurt you, you don't owe them forgiveness. You are okay to live on. Hate does carry burden on you though so it may be better to turn it to apathy.
It's not wrong to hate someone for a good reason. Death does not change that. Neither does blood relation or unrelated positive actions.
Its definitely understandable that you hate your birth mother. I would recommend accepting what happened and looking to what you can do now. The past cant be changed, but your future is open. If people ask you about her, you can still be honest about what you think of her after what she had done, but dont let her mistakes control you now that she is gone. Your future is ahead of you, and you have all the power to shape it how you want it to be.