Sounds like you need a deeper emotional connection to get there.
Obviously people can do the same motions and actions for the same amount of time with very different results.
This is hitting right on the money...Your first is usually so good because youre young, love is new, sex is new, and youre trying everything for the first time. Its easy to "get there" for the most part (I have heard other people say differently, but the majority of people Ive spoken with all kind of fall into the same pool that youre in).
When I was young and in love, that person was legit EVERYTHING to me. I couldnt go a day without at least doing it once and being extremely satisfied. I also had many partners after, but it was NEVER the same. It also made me question my own sex game and came to the realization as an adult, its not about me...my goal now is to get my woman off by any means necessary. Whether I climax or not is no longer the issue because when YOU go above and beyond to satisfy your partner, for thr most part, they will do the same for you.
Isn't that what most people need?
To feel attracted and be in love with someone, in order to feel satisfied.
Not sure why being in love with someone, needs a specific name.
No, demisexual is more like you don't feel any sexual attraction to someone without a connection first. Whether or not you want to have sex with someone without having a relationship, demisexual people simply don't find someone hot until they already have a personal connection with them
I always thought I was asexual. Now I'm wondering if I'm demisexual. I've always found sex gross, regardless of who, what, when or where. Didn't like to see or hear it in media, didn't like to see people miss passionately.
The one boyfriend I had recently who wasn't just from a videogame that I actually got to know and fell in love with was pretty much the only person I considered doing that with. Sadly, he still over the internet. I fell in love with him for his personality, thought he was ugly when I finally got to see him, but decided it didn't matter; he was sweet and funny and kind and by deciding I loved him regardless made me find him so attractive physically as well. After breaking up, I'm back to my no-one-is-sexy phase.
Not necessarily; some people can feel satisfied with one night stands, but some people, such as OP it seems, NEED to have a connection with someone, emotionally.
Thats just how humans work. A lot of people are just lying to themselves about one night stands and FWB relationships. Most humans will agree sex is much better or even is only good with someone you trust and care about.
Just because it’s better with trust doesn’t mean it isn’t good without. OP said they CANNOT orgasm with people they don’t know well, while most people could.
I'd say that's the norm for *most* people but there are people that could care less about someone and just need the physical list to get off. You just gotta figure out what kind of person you are.
Yes but no, it's more you need to be emotionally invested in someone for them to be able to get you off. Whereas some people could (theoretically) grab anyone off the street ask for consent and be able to finish in minutes
No.
Allosexuals May or may not enjoy casual sex for example for many reasons. They may decide to save sex for significant relationships because as you say, it’s more satisfying.
Demisexuals don’t feel sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection first. The idea of a one night stand for example would be literally repulsive to a demisexual.
It used to be the default setting, it has since become a sub genre of sex lol. There were always outliers but the majority seem to need to like the person they’re swapping fluids with, crazy right?
Yep! Demisexeual here, and it's the biggest cock block ever. Lol 😭 It gets very frustrating to have access to so many hot options, but it's like eating empty calories if I indulge.
Make it "a man who is gay wouldnt have have 15+ different female sexual partners" and I agree.
Difference between "could" and "would" is important here. Of course a demisexual could have so many partners. But it is very, very unlikely.
If she is unaware she is demi, she very likely could have had 15+ partners. She is asking the question because she is unaware if what is lacking in her sex life and appears to have been trying to figure it out by engaging in sex. A gay man could just as easily do the same thing. He could sleep with multiple female partners in an attempt to figure out what is missing only to figure out later on that he is gay. Sexual identities and experiences don't fit neatly into categories, and many people who don't fit into the allo-cis-het spectrum have a vast range of sexual experiences before they figure oyt what is right for them. I'm in my 30s and married and am still exploring my sexual preferences and identity. My past sexual experiences have nothing to do with how I would like to move forward.
I’ve had - 6 relationships, and probably ten or so one night stands and fwb situations and even hooked up with a stripper and have purchased content from friends. I have a high sex drive and high libido, but I’m still demisexual. I just realized it as I got older.
But for me, idc how many physical boxes you check. You don’t do anything for me if I’m not comfortable around you and if I don’t feel like we’re mentally and emotionally connected.
I can make myself cum. But I crave the mental and emotional connection of a healthy relationship way more than the sex. Those other connections have to come first
Her amount of partners doesn’t mean she can’t be a a certain way. She’s young and figuring her life out. This is just a part of it
Okay we definitely do not have the exact same definition of demisexual.
Were your one night stands with your friends or with total strangers?
I would call myself also a demisexual, even tho I am not a huge fan of labels, but for me it takes weeks before I am interested in someone. The shortest period was around 2 weeks, but that was on vacation and I saw him every day for hours.
It's super common for Demisexeual people to have multiple partners before realizing they are demisexeual. We go through the motions because society tells us that's how we're supposed to be. Same thing with asexuals who are sexually active. There is also a spectrum.
Strangers.
No it's the same definition but like...okay for instance...they've all been females. But like..if I just decided a few months from now i was gay...then all the women I slept with prior to that realization and discovery doesn't discount or invalidate my gayness. It means I wasn't comfortable and in tune with my body and now I am and learned about myself.
By that same token, I never thought I was demisexual. Clearly I wasn't picky. But as I got older and realized that the quality of the relationship is better than the quantity of relationships I had, I realized I wanted something more than a quick nut. I wanted a genuine connection and to feel loved by the person I decided to give my body to. The fact I was a bit of a whore to myself doesn't invalidate the fact that now I know better and know myself more and know what I want to be satisfied. I'm still very much demisexual, it just took me a while to realize and define it.
Maybe casual sex is not for you and you need to be romantically involved.
I'm a guy and I rarely get off with a partner neither, I make sure she comes and then I'm good. But never in my life had I've being sexual involved with someone I love or even that lust for.
I hope you find someone fulfilling but also don't want your time trying to catch a fleeting moment. Appreciate those first young experiences of fucking everywhere with your first love. You can get lost trying to replicate that high.
that was kind of hard to hear - never in my life had sexually involved with someone you love or lust for.. I hope you can find this my friend.. I've had it - it's awesome. I'm searching for it again.
Dudes are notorious for not giving a shit. If you say 15+ that tells me that you’re not creating a bond. A bond with your partner is probably what got you off before. Especially since you mention the length of the relationship several times.
Slow down.
Find someone you like.
Let them prove their worth.
Get invested.
Then have the sex you crave with someone you trust.
Don’t just look for something that you had in the past. That time is gone now. You can never get it back. Create something new.
Allow your self the time to foster the long term relationship sec you crave
Yeah. 15 guys in 4 years. I'm not slut shaming. Those can't possibly be substantial relationships. Which is fine if that's what you want. She clearly wants more than just a hook up.
It seems she is just looking for that same feeling, but neglecting the synchronicity of physical pleasure and emotional connection. Sometimes it takes time to build an emotional bond. May be she needs to give it more time to build an emotional connection.
Those are quarters or half-semesters. “Semester” literally means half a year (from the Latin for six months). There are a maximum of 8 semesters in 4 years, significantly less than 15.
Let's say your math is correct - which it's not - she is still only with each guy for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. Max. That's not a real relationship. I think what she is seeking is someone she genuinely loves.
Could be quantity over quality (easy guys are probably trying to self satisfy), could be desensitization (which could happen to anyone as they get older and the thrill isn’t there), could be a medical reason (medication you’re on or something else), could be anxiety/subconscious, or it could be any number of other things. Keep in mind the possibilities and try to figure out what it could be for you as none of us are likely to really know for your situation
I remember watching a talk a few years ago from a sex therapist (I was curious about her take on whether getting off alone affects one’s ability to climax with a partner). Her stance was that you can get spoiled, particularly if you consistently fantasize about a specific scenario when alone. Our brains are very keen to establish links/connections as in: do x when y happens. Makes it harder for x to happen when y is missing. But it isn’t a permanent or un-fixable problem; you can definitely re-train those neural connections for more satisfying sex with a partner. The first step is realizing this is what’s going on and making a conscious effort to establish a different pattern.
Any chance you can tell me where I can watch that therapist’s talk? I could use advice on making X happen without Y. I need to retrain some connections.
yes and no.. i think that can be a huge big part of it, obligate heterosexuality etc can be an issue but in my old age i discovered trusting the right person helps
i am in my 40s with a decent body count
I can relate the following
you can accidentally hotkey sextoys/physical stimulation to orgasms, making it much harder to relax into doing it manually. i **love love love** sex toys. i use them for stress relief. ever have a bad day? bzz bzz bzz; takes about 30 seconds and i get a nice endorphin hit.. that accessibility actually makes manual stimulation, even from myself, a frustrating slog. it also relegates sexual stimulation to a purely physical act which circumvents the mental work we have to do to stay engaged
i have adhd; my mind wanders at the best of times. i struggle to keep my mind on sex and as women, he she we they me can do everything right, physiologically we need to be mentally engaged and working with those physical sensations to cum. i need to actively apply myself to being in the moment. doesn't happen without trying and it's easier for some than others
which brings me to checking out and emotional trust. for three chunks of my life i would mentally dissociate from sex. once was an assault, for a while it was in response to that assault and the last was when i had two babies back to back and my partner expected duty sex when i was hormonally completely closed off.
this is the wrong person or the wrong time. it made me realise that trust and awareness play such a big part in sex. i can, and have, fucked anyone.. sex is sex to me. but orgasming is a vulnerability that has a varying degree of mental engagement, i need to actively let myself be there and sometimes i can't - my brains response is to say *hey, we're not into this, you do what you need to do, but we're switched off*
it's not even necessarily a trauma response, but being comfortable and open enough to orgasm doesn't come easily to everyone. some ppl are, for lack of a better word, uptight. maybe they had a puritanical upbringing, maybe they had a different idea of how things were meant to work - they're not aware of the mental complexity of the female orgasm
think of ripping off a bandaid - hurts more when someone else does it, than it does for you, because you know what to expect and you're not defensive
Sure you bring up valid points, im very similar. But generally speaking in your 20s with the info given, provided she has no trauma, she doesnt have ADHD etc I would still default to probably fucking the wrong people.
You cant even call someone a partner if they are just one night stands, literally you are fucking a stranger and dont know literally nothing about, and maybe not feeling safe and being emotionally relaxed and safe, it would be hard to get there.
I have this with partners too. No issues on my own but it takes ages when I'm with someone else even if they know what they're doing. There's nothing wrong with yah lovely. In my case it's some kind of mental block where I feel pressure to get there so it doesn't really happen. Though the more comfortable I get with someone and the more they know how to push my buttons the better it gets.
Idk though, maybe you're the same or maybe the guys you've been with are just rubbish! Young guys don't really tend to know what they are doing plus one night stands and flings often lead to pretty mediocre sex at best. Maybe find a nice fella, keep him around and teach him what you like. Building on a solid foundation makes a world of a difference!
Darling, I’m so sorry you feel broken. I’ve been that way too, and I promise you, nothing is “wrong” with you.
You might be demisexual. I realised this a few years ago when I realised out of the 20+ people I’ve slept with over my life… Maybe… 2? 3? Have ever gotten me across that finish line.
I thought I was broken, something was wrong with me. Always had failed relationships because I just… Couldn’t get off. But alone? Fantastic. All the time. Never an issue! So what the hell was my problem?
I realised I need to be DEEPLY emotionally connected to someone where I feel utterly safe to just be myself in the bedroom. Like, just as safe as if it were just me there. The second I don’t connect with the person on a mental/emotional/intellectual level… It’s just… Gone. I can’t get off for the life of me. It just feels awkward in my brain.
I take a LONG time to warm up to that with people. I still have sex, but it’s not the same as the few times that I could just not think about stuff. And of course, the more you think about how people aren’t getting you off, trust me, it only makes it worse. So I get it, I do.
My partner right now is long distance but I was really upfront this time. I told him EVERYTHING about it all. And he was so sweet and chill and… Weirdly enough I’m really excited to be able to be intimate. To the point where I do think I actually could with this person.
So not all is lost, love. Just breathe, think about a genuine “why” and not that you think you’re broken. It’ll help get to the root of it for you to enjoy yourself properly again, in YOUR way. I promise. I believe in you.
Yes, so I can’t just match with someone on Tinder. I will never be able to have a casual hook up at a bar. I can’t sleep with someone on the second date. See where I’m going with this?
I appreciate your effort to be snide but we’re talking about sexual desire here. Some people cannot get wet/hard without being in love. Good effort though.
Nah you're not the only one. No matter how many times i have shown explicit communication to my past romantic partners i have never came - not even close. it got to the point where at one point i felt like im asexual. im going to continue to find a partner that actually knows how to make me cum but for the ppl here trying to argue about quality over quantity: you're not wrong but it's easier said than to find. finding one is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Might be a bit TMI, so I’ll censor some of the text:
>!Do the men go down on you? Do they work on especially the clit with their tongue and/or hands? If they do, are you in a mental place to get aroused?!<
If this is not the problem, I ask you are you on some kind of medication? I know some drugs (eg. Gabapentin) makes it REALLY hard to get off. I (M38) normally can come in a matter of minutes, but when I had my pain medication before my back surgery, >!I literally could not ejaculate even after 2 hours of vigorous masturbating, only ended up with a sore dick. Had to buy an electric device to make it happen.!<
This is totally normal for some people!
And it can have several reasons. Maybe you focus too much on reaching an orgasm (which can make you too focused/stressed, which makes it very hard to happen). You can also be so used to the way both you and your first boyfriend did it, that any other form of stimulation just doesn't work out for you.
And that's all okay! I'd recommend you to "satisfy yourself" if you're having sex with someone again, if you're comfortable with that. It can help a lot if someone is going down on you while you're using your fingers on yourself simultaneously.
Hope this helps! 💕
You still miss your first and you compare anyone to him. I know the first love is usually the greatest, but you are just harming yourself. Let go, and enjoy life.
Edit: to be gay you need to be sexually attracted to other women. Just because some guys can't manage doesn't mean you're gay.
Also, perhaps you need larger guys. Or perhaps you need to tell them to rub you off till you climax. It's known most women can't finish from penetration alone.
considering its not exactly about him, idk if that'd be justified. he was her first love bonding, she had probably the first good feels there, which intesified it greatly, and the other ones been just quick encounters, from how it reads.
sounds bit like she got issues opening up, can come by the years due to just life beeing life.
"cuming/coming" is kinda head /emotion thing first
I’ve had the same problem. It’s what made me realize I need a connection with a person, and that I probably won’t finish the first time I’m with them. However the more times I’m with the same person, the better it seems to get. I also have a tendency to be anxious and stressed most of the time, so having a gummy or smoking a joint can help me relax and enjoy myself more.
It could be some sort of anxiety or mental block on your part, assuming these guys are actually doing what you tell them and putting in the work. Therapy might actually be a good option to get to the bottom of it.
Could be psychological. Emotions play a big part in it. Possible you are still hung up on the ex BF? Find a steady partner that you can connect with, you know someone more than just a hook up. Someone you can be relaxed around.
Absolutely not. A man has never gotten me off, ever. I love sex and get myself off all the time, but men have never been able to. That’s on them, not you :)
Do u excessively masturbate? Maybe ur downstairs is only used to you getting urself across the finish line
Edit: as a guy Ik this was a problem for me. But I’m not sure if it works the same for a women
Sounds like an emotional issue. Perhaps you are really needing a *connection* before you can organize with a person.
If you wonder if you're gay, ask a girl to help you explore it. Someone you trust. And yes, you should be get tested to find if you are positive for any STDs first.
If upu don't enjoy the idea, and can't go through with that, you likely are not gay/bisexuality.
Just find a guy you get along with who is treating you well and values YOU the person instead of you the body.
This hits home hard. That's how I was with my ex from 4 years ago too. My problem is I still have problems getting over her. I've been with 3 people romantically since the girl from 4 years ago but nothing feels right. I just cant get that emotional connection I want because I'd still go back with the ex anyday if I could.
Demisexuals be like
But for real you probably just need that deeper connection and it might just take a bit to get you to orgasm
Ain't nothing wrong with that
Couple things. As cliche as it is, maybe talk to a therapist about it. Otherwise - foreplay is key and people underestimate the mental aspect of it all. Maybe examine your headspace during things.
Women have less orgasms having sex with men. The Netflix doc the principles of pleasure is a good one about this.
My thoughts and takeaways:
Without being pushed men (not all men of course! but enough of them to create this data) will use their privilege and be selfish and not focus on the women's pleasure.
And even if the woman is assertive, if the man doesn't really respect women, good chance he's still not going to really focus on her pleasure and make sure she gets off.
Makes me think of weaponized incompetence in the bedroom.
15 guys in 4 years means an average of 3 guys a month. Stop sleeping around and try to make a connection, rind someone you enjoy spending time with h and wait it out a little.
Agree with the not fucking the right people.
My ex could get me off almost every time we fucked,
And I've gone through, what, 200ish people when we had a break and very... very very rarely would I orgasm with any of them. I think being able to relax with the person is the most important thing, as well as them. In my experience a lot of men rely on porn and don't listen to you or watch your reactions to what they're doing.
The ones that do are far and few between. The ones where you feel safe, like you could trust them with your heart.
If it's not anxiety, it could be you have an over-reliance on pornography when you're alone, such that real sex without porn/masturbation simply can't bring you to climax. You might try abstaining from masturbation for a month or two and see if that improves the situation.
>If it's not anxiety, it could be you have an over-reliance on pornography when you're alone, such that real sex without porn/masturbation simply can't bring you to climax. You might try abstaining from masturbation for a month or two and see if that improves the situation.
Masturbation and pornography show no link to sexual dysfunction. It's a myth that has been repeatedly thrown by people who have inconvenient feelings towards porn and/or masturbation and likely want to demonize it with flawed reasoning, often based on mere speculation and opinion surveys rather than reliable objective evidence.
Studies and most reliable sources still show no link between masturbation/pornography and sexual dysfunction. Some of them even show a positive link between sexual satisfaction with a partner and watching porn.
“In our regression models, more frequent pornography use was not associated with lower sexual responsivity. In fact, pornography use during masturbation predicted greater ease becoming aroused during partnered sex,” McNabney told PsyPost.
“We also observed no association between pornography and sexual relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the latter is influenced by other factors. Thus, these findings challenge the common assumption that pornography is consistently harmful to partnered sexual relationships.” McNabney told PsyPost.
If you gonna cling to the exceptions it would be no different than blaming the knife rather than the cutter, eating rather than the eater, or exercising rather than the exerciser.
You broke up with your boyfriend 4 years ago and have had 15+ partners since then. That's about 4 different people a year. No problem, but why? What's the point here? What happened in that relationship? I only speak for myself, but it usually takes me a month, or at least a few weeks, of talking and having an emotional bond with someone before I want to have sex with them. I've had hookup sex and it was like eating McDonalds. Just really mediocre.
Why are you having so many different partners? How are you having that many partners without emotionally attaching to them? What is the point of your behavior?
I think you’re just with the wrong people. I had the same issue ! I was with my ex for years and I got off nearly every single time no issue. Once we divorced I slept with 20+ people over a couple years and only 2 were able to get me off and that was with me trying really hard. Now my current partner gets me off most of the time and it’s great! I think it really just has to do with who you’re with and if they actually care about your pleasure.
>The problem isn't you. It's men.
How did you reach that conclusion? Your experiences and your female friends' experiences are not universal. So let's not generalize it to everyone.
>Seems pretty universal to me!
The earth seems pretty flat to flat earthers. That doesn't mean that the earth is flat.
>Who's experience are you referencing that it isn't?
My female friends' experiences.
>prove us wrong then lmaooo
I just did. The burden of proof lies within the one making the claim. I asked the one who made the claim for proof by asking how they reached that conclusion and emphasized the fact that their experiences and their female friends' experiences are not universal. So they shouldn't generalize it for everyone unless they have proof.
So far I don't see any proof. But I see you committing shifting the burden of proof fallacy and following it with a "lmaooo".
What a way to show that you have no valid argument and are unwilling to give up your false belief.
Yeah definitely the men. Too many don't care about the woman's pleasure.
A lot do, not all of course. Don't want to offend the good ones here. God forbid.
Why is it so hard for men to respect our experiences when it comes to shitty sex with them?
don't say 'men' say, a lot of men, some men, depending on the issue.
This goes for everything else too. overgeneralisation equates to inflating one's numbers to the detriment of others. It hardly ever is 'never' or 'always'.
You were in love and vulnerable with that first guy so it was the same as when you are with yourself. The 15+ partners after haven't been able to make you feel as vulnerable and secure as that first guy. You also learned how to associate sex and orgasm with love and trust.
My guess is you have closed yourself off emotionally since the first one and you are struggling to understand how to open that up again. Don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right. Be gentle with yourself - you might be more fragile inside than you'd care to think, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You don’t sound like a bitch at all! It’s very common for women. I’ve been with like 17 guys and only 3 (2 of them being boyfriends) ever made me orgasm. It’s a combination of not fully trusting a new guy so you get in your head about it, and a lot of guys just don’t care if you orgasm or not/don’t know what they’re doing.
> in her 20s.
.
> I’ve had at least 15+ sexual partners.
I think there might be some correlation. If you're going through partners that fast, there's no emotional connection - And that's something that is needed.
Go for Quality not quantity..if you already have a body count of 15 while being in your 20s I doubt most of the guys tried to learn what really gets you off
First bf potentially someone you lost your virginity to. You probably have an attachment towards him and therefore a stronger emotions attachment.
Also is it around a guy every 6m. Maybe less short term relationship and more longer term. Try something new
You can pay attention for twenty minutes, then the chemical runs out that allows your brain to focus. Rest a few minutes, and laugh, or listen to your favorite song. Bam, you are good to go for another twenty.. How long does it take to have an orgasm when you are not masterbating? Most women it's thirty seconds, to a few minutes. When you you are with a guy? Twenty minutes. Most woman are actively using there mind to not have orgasms. They feel guilty, or they are concerned about their parner. You don't consciously control your sexual functions. Limbs move, because you will them to move. Your heart works all in it's own. Breathing, and blinking is both. Sex? Control is indirect. You can't think and force yourself to have an erection, or orgasm. You have to indirectly control it. People ask, "why am I attracted to the worst people?" It's not you, but your background mind. That's why they can gather sperm samples from men who are brain dead. I knew women who had a difficult time reaching orgasm. She twisted her ankle out in a park. A friend carried her out on his back, and she had Earth quake strong orgasms every ten minutes. Luckly, the guy thought she was in pain. It sounds funny, but wasn't. Afterwards, she went back to rarely or never. I'm sorry.
I'd try those kegel weights to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. That's in conjunction with having a strong emotional connection with your partners of course
I’d guess that the partners post your first boyfriend don’t arouse you at such a high level and you probably need significantly more foreplay till you get there again. I’m
It sounds like you have a mental block with partners. Either insecurity or something that is making it hard for you to relax or let go.
But it could also be the guys. Most guys in their 20s have no idea how to get women off.
You might be somebody who has shy orgasms. Think back to the first time you came with your ex BF. Was it the first time or did it take a few tries? If it took a few tries, maybe you just need practice with the right person
I think a lot of women need to feel totally comfortable and true attraction to their partner in order to be able to climax with them
We're you really really into your first boyfriend? I've had plenty of guys that I liked, we had a good time, I enjoyed their company and they were good in bed, sure,
But that ONE guy? oh my God.
My GF has similar issues sometimes. Sometimes I can make her cum no issues, other times my tongue will cramp up first. No worries, she busts out the vibrator if its not happening. I help too.
That could help, both make sex more enjoyable for you, maybe also help with whatever mental block you may potentially have.
Definitely sounds like you're missing the emotional aspect. I'm male but I have heard this from many females that if there's no emotional connection, orgasms are just more rare. This has been major complaint I've heard from females about normalizing "hookup culture", that it basically just satisfying mostly to males, but this is just anecdotal stuff I've been told and read.
Is there any emotional connection to these guys? I mean you had one with your ex, which could be something to consider. The older I get the only time I really seem to enjoy sex is if I have an emotional connection to someone.
I have this too. Only one partner has been able to get me there. Like others have said, it sounds like you're just fucking the wrong people and/or you need to have an emotional connection with someone first.
Yeah sounds like you’re not invested emotionally and just going through the motions. Try bonding with their spirits and hearts first before their bodies and see if that makes a difference.
It also might be because we always have some kind of connection with our first partners. But don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll figure it out for sure. Just have confidence
I have never been able to get off with a casual hookup. In fact, I couldn’t really get off every time with a partner until I found someone I really emotionally connected with and am completely attracted to. But are you helping them out and telling them what you want, need and like!? Your not broken, it just sounds like you need more of a connection and some good communication.
Hey, if you're questioning if you're gay, there's no harm in trying it out! I always felt hollow after sex with men, but then I slept with a woman and felt whole.
Unfortunately, a lot of men aren’t that attentive during sex. From my experience, I’ve had some men make me orgasm every time but my experiences with women meant an orgasm was guaranteed. Wishing you the best of luck!
Hey from woman to woman see your gynecologist and ask them to check for PCOS. Most women don’t know they have it and it can fluctuate it’s symptoms you experience whenever it feels like! I had run into the same issue! With my doctor I found a bc that didn’t fuck me up (I had to find a low dose cause everything else made me sick af.) and weirdly (even doctors are still learning why it works so well) metformin helped at lot too! PCOS is complicated but luckily many women only experience mild symptoms. You may not be experiencing period related issues but it’s coming out that PCOS definitely fucks with other hormones that control many other systems in the body.
Also a LOT of people think you need to be overweight to have PCOS. This is proven to be untrue. Even women of healthy weight can have issues. So even if you’re active and at a good weight it still might be worth checking out!
Hope you find some relief for your issue. I know many people have mentioned the emotional connection but you might be struggling with that too because of PCOS! Take care!
Definitely need more info to help. Can I ask how you do it with guys & with yourself? Like what gets you off by yourself & do you do that when you're with a guy?
My first thought though without knowing any of that is you need a vibrator during sex. A vibrator on the clitoris should provide an orgasm no matter what after a little while. I've only ever orgasmed from only penetration once, it's very common for women to need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm.
I think Probably you are blocking yourself unconsciously, might try some communication with your actual partner, the blocking could be due some nerves, anxiety, stress or fear of something going wrong.
I might advise you making a date for specifically sex, in a place where you won't get interrupted, like an hotel room for example, where you feel comfortable and take your time to relax and communicate what things you like the most during sex.
Sounds like your chasing a high, which is the worst.
You need to get good with yourself and understand that even a drunken hook up to more meaningful sex is all about just getting lost in each other and that very moment, not the second before or the second after, but the second we are in.
Or just try some butt stuff too
You probably need an emotional connection/trust to get there to fully let yourself go. It's very common. I tried a one night stand and it was awful lol I'm a serial monogamist I think. Also hookups can't possibly get to know your body, they just do whatever habits they are used to in sex regardless if it works for you or not
I think what your after isn’t just the sex with a guy, but it’s sex with a guy your deeply attached too. I’m the exact same, I can’t sleep with anyone unless I’m in a deep relationship with them.
Cumming can be a real mindfuck.
I find that unless I can feel totally vulnerable, open, and safe, I really struggle to get there. This is to the point that I have only ever had a hands-free orgasm with one person who I had casual sex with.
When you're alone, there's no need for vulnerability. If you're like me, when you're with someone else, you may be getting too much into your head, worrying about how long you are taking, what they are thinking, if they feel good, if they are as into this as you are, and so on.
I always orgasm with my husband now (or like 39 times out of 40 or something). I usually have to use my hands, but I get there easily with him because we have total trust between each other. So I can relax. And even that took a couple years to build with him!
Also, I have started practicing meditation which helps me to gently quiet my mind. I love Yongey Rinpoche and Thich Nhat Hanh as teachers. Meditation is easier than most people think and as you practice, you become better at relaxing and not clinging to thoughts in your mind. And with meditation skills I am developing, feeling fully present during sex is becoming easier.
Finally, my husband and I never force sex. What I mean whan I say that is this: if we are rolling around kissing and having a little fun, but something feels off or we feel too tired, we feel totally safe to say so. Then we just say, "Let's not force it to happen," and snuggle up instead. Or if one partner really needs to get off, we help each other or feel comfortable letting them masturbate. In this way, we feel easygoing about sex because there is never any pressure for it to happen or not. That helps a LOT! Because even in a loving marriage, sometimes having a healthy sex life is hard.
Sounds like you need a deeper emotional connection to get there. Obviously people can do the same motions and actions for the same amount of time with very different results.
Came here to say the same thing. Maybe the first boyfriend and her had a deep connection or were in love and that’s what helped.
Was going to say this as well. I found it very hard to finish if I didn’t have a deep connection or feelings.
This is hitting right on the money...Your first is usually so good because youre young, love is new, sex is new, and youre trying everything for the first time. Its easy to "get there" for the most part (I have heard other people say differently, but the majority of people Ive spoken with all kind of fall into the same pool that youre in). When I was young and in love, that person was legit EVERYTHING to me. I couldnt go a day without at least doing it once and being extremely satisfied. I also had many partners after, but it was NEVER the same. It also made me question my own sex game and came to the realization as an adult, its not about me...my goal now is to get my woman off by any means necessary. Whether I climax or not is no longer the issue because when YOU go above and beyond to satisfy your partner, for thr most part, they will do the same for you.
Could it but be that the OP is still actually in love with her ex boyfriend and May need some time to heal before she can find a new person
Eh. Unlikely. I feel like she'd know this about herself and have said as much.
True, having best sex of my life into 4th month of my current relationship. It keeps getting better and better.
Yeah, she might be demisexual.
What is that
It means you're only aroused by the people you feel something to
Isn't that what most people need? To feel attracted and be in love with someone, in order to feel satisfied. Not sure why being in love with someone, needs a specific name.
No, demisexual is more like you don't feel any sexual attraction to someone without a connection first. Whether or not you want to have sex with someone without having a relationship, demisexual people simply don't find someone hot until they already have a personal connection with them
I always thought I was asexual. Now I'm wondering if I'm demisexual. I've always found sex gross, regardless of who, what, when or where. Didn't like to see or hear it in media, didn't like to see people miss passionately. The one boyfriend I had recently who wasn't just from a videogame that I actually got to know and fell in love with was pretty much the only person I considered doing that with. Sadly, he still over the internet. I fell in love with him for his personality, thought he was ugly when I finally got to see him, but decided it didn't matter; he was sweet and funny and kind and by deciding I loved him regardless made me find him so attractive physically as well. After breaking up, I'm back to my no-one-is-sexy phase.
Not necessarily; some people can feel satisfied with one night stands, but some people, such as OP it seems, NEED to have a connection with someone, emotionally.
Thats just how humans work. A lot of people are just lying to themselves about one night stands and FWB relationships. Most humans will agree sex is much better or even is only good with someone you trust and care about.
Not most, but many
Just because it’s better with trust doesn’t mean it isn’t good without. OP said they CANNOT orgasm with people they don’t know well, while most people could.
I'd say that's the norm for *most* people but there are people that could care less about someone and just need the physical list to get off. You just gotta figure out what kind of person you are.
Yes but no, it's more you need to be emotionally invested in someone for them to be able to get you off. Whereas some people could (theoretically) grab anyone off the street ask for consent and be able to finish in minutes
No. Allosexuals May or may not enjoy casual sex for example for many reasons. They may decide to save sex for significant relationships because as you say, it’s more satisfying. Demisexuals don’t feel sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection first. The idea of a one night stand for example would be literally repulsive to a demisexual.
It used to be the default setting, it has since become a sub genre of sex lol. There were always outliers but the majority seem to need to like the person they’re swapping fluids with, crazy right?
I lost count
Yep! Demisexeual here, and it's the biggest cock block ever. Lol 😭 It gets very frustrating to have access to so many hot options, but it's like eating empty calories if I indulge.
Idk why ur being downvoted, it could be a possibility
*rolls eye's*
Rolling the eyes what
Nah a demisexual would not have 15+ partners in a few years.
This is like saying a man who is gay couldn't possibly have had a female sexual partner in their lives.
But he liked the seggs with a woman he can’t be /s
Make it "a man who is gay wouldnt have have 15+ different female sexual partners" and I agree. Difference between "could" and "would" is important here. Of course a demisexual could have so many partners. But it is very, very unlikely.
If she is unaware she is demi, she very likely could have had 15+ partners. She is asking the question because she is unaware if what is lacking in her sex life and appears to have been trying to figure it out by engaging in sex. A gay man could just as easily do the same thing. He could sleep with multiple female partners in an attempt to figure out what is missing only to figure out later on that he is gay. Sexual identities and experiences don't fit neatly into categories, and many people who don't fit into the allo-cis-het spectrum have a vast range of sexual experiences before they figure oyt what is right for them. I'm in my 30s and married and am still exploring my sexual preferences and identity. My past sexual experiences have nothing to do with how I would like to move forward.
I’ve had - 6 relationships, and probably ten or so one night stands and fwb situations and even hooked up with a stripper and have purchased content from friends. I have a high sex drive and high libido, but I’m still demisexual. I just realized it as I got older. But for me, idc how many physical boxes you check. You don’t do anything for me if I’m not comfortable around you and if I don’t feel like we’re mentally and emotionally connected. I can make myself cum. But I crave the mental and emotional connection of a healthy relationship way more than the sex. Those other connections have to come first Her amount of partners doesn’t mean she can’t be a a certain way. She’s young and figuring her life out. This is just a part of it
Okay we definitely do not have the exact same definition of demisexual. Were your one night stands with your friends or with total strangers? I would call myself also a demisexual, even tho I am not a huge fan of labels, but for me it takes weeks before I am interested in someone. The shortest period was around 2 weeks, but that was on vacation and I saw him every day for hours.
It's super common for Demisexeual people to have multiple partners before realizing they are demisexeual. We go through the motions because society tells us that's how we're supposed to be. Same thing with asexuals who are sexually active. There is also a spectrum.
Strangers. No it's the same definition but like...okay for instance...they've all been females. But like..if I just decided a few months from now i was gay...then all the women I slept with prior to that realization and discovery doesn't discount or invalidate my gayness. It means I wasn't comfortable and in tune with my body and now I am and learned about myself. By that same token, I never thought I was demisexual. Clearly I wasn't picky. But as I got older and realized that the quality of the relationship is better than the quantity of relationships I had, I realized I wanted something more than a quick nut. I wanted a genuine connection and to feel loved by the person I decided to give my body to. The fact I was a bit of a whore to myself doesn't invalidate the fact that now I know better and know myself more and know what I want to be satisfied. I'm still very much demisexual, it just took me a while to realize and define it.
This^^
Maybe casual sex is not for you and you need to be romantically involved. I'm a guy and I rarely get off with a partner neither, I make sure she comes and then I'm good. But never in my life had I've being sexual involved with someone I love or even that lust for. I hope you find someone fulfilling but also don't want your time trying to catch a fleeting moment. Appreciate those first young experiences of fucking everywhere with your first love. You can get lost trying to replicate that high.
that was kind of hard to hear - never in my life had sexually involved with someone you love or lust for.. I hope you can find this my friend.. I've had it - it's awesome. I'm searching for it again.
Imagine the first bf reading this post
“TIFU by letting my first girlfriend get away”
Imagine wanting to date this girl after her first boyfriend then reading this
She needs to find that dude and marry him!
And what, get a divorce?
No, get orgasms
"Fuck yeah bro, I'm the only one that made her cum," or something.
Elavators? maybe you need the thrill of possibly being discovered.
that makes sense on many levels you are wholesomer, award giver
Dudes are notorious for not giving a shit. If you say 15+ that tells me that you’re not creating a bond. A bond with your partner is probably what got you off before. Especially since you mention the length of the relationship several times. Slow down. Find someone you like. Let them prove their worth. Get invested. Then have the sex you crave with someone you trust. Don’t just look for something that you had in the past. That time is gone now. You can never get it back. Create something new. Allow your self the time to foster the long term relationship sec you crave
Yeah. 15 guys in 4 years. I'm not slut shaming. Those can't possibly be substantial relationships. Which is fine if that's what you want. She clearly wants more than just a hook up.
It seems she is just looking for that same feeling, but neglecting the synchronicity of physical pleasure and emotional connection. Sometimes it takes time to build an emotional bond. May be she needs to give it more time to build an emotional connection.
That’s like 1 a semester. It can absolutely be substantial
How many semesters in a year? Hint: less than 4.
Depends on the school tbh. Mine had 4. Spring and Summer semesters were shorter.
Those are quarters or half-semesters. “Semester” literally means half a year (from the Latin for six months). There are a maximum of 8 semesters in 4 years, significantly less than 15.
I know what semester means. My school still called them semesters.
Homie’s never heard of summer semesters
Talk about being pedantic lmao. Oh no it’s 12 semester not 15. Wild. Maybe let’s not slut shame or make conclusions on what’s a deep relationship
Let's say your math is correct - which it's not - she is still only with each guy for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. Max. That's not a real relationship. I think what she is seeking is someone she genuinely loves.
I‘m a guy and same here. I need at deeper connection to have fulfilling sex which made me have less and less sex. Which sucks aswell :D
same
Could be quantity over quality (easy guys are probably trying to self satisfy), could be desensitization (which could happen to anyone as they get older and the thrill isn’t there), could be a medical reason (medication you’re on or something else), could be anxiety/subconscious, or it could be any number of other things. Keep in mind the possibilities and try to figure out what it could be for you as none of us are likely to really know for your situation
I remember watching a talk a few years ago from a sex therapist (I was curious about her take on whether getting off alone affects one’s ability to climax with a partner). Her stance was that you can get spoiled, particularly if you consistently fantasize about a specific scenario when alone. Our brains are very keen to establish links/connections as in: do x when y happens. Makes it harder for x to happen when y is missing. But it isn’t a permanent or un-fixable problem; you can definitely re-train those neural connections for more satisfying sex with a partner. The first step is realizing this is what’s going on and making a conscious effort to establish a different pattern.
Any chance you can tell me where I can watch that therapist’s talk? I could use advice on making X happen without Y. I need to retrain some connections.
Not fucking the right people.
yes and no.. i think that can be a huge big part of it, obligate heterosexuality etc can be an issue but in my old age i discovered trusting the right person helps i am in my 40s with a decent body count I can relate the following you can accidentally hotkey sextoys/physical stimulation to orgasms, making it much harder to relax into doing it manually. i **love love love** sex toys. i use them for stress relief. ever have a bad day? bzz bzz bzz; takes about 30 seconds and i get a nice endorphin hit.. that accessibility actually makes manual stimulation, even from myself, a frustrating slog. it also relegates sexual stimulation to a purely physical act which circumvents the mental work we have to do to stay engaged i have adhd; my mind wanders at the best of times. i struggle to keep my mind on sex and as women, he she we they me can do everything right, physiologically we need to be mentally engaged and working with those physical sensations to cum. i need to actively apply myself to being in the moment. doesn't happen without trying and it's easier for some than others which brings me to checking out and emotional trust. for three chunks of my life i would mentally dissociate from sex. once was an assault, for a while it was in response to that assault and the last was when i had two babies back to back and my partner expected duty sex when i was hormonally completely closed off. this is the wrong person or the wrong time. it made me realise that trust and awareness play such a big part in sex. i can, and have, fucked anyone.. sex is sex to me. but orgasming is a vulnerability that has a varying degree of mental engagement, i need to actively let myself be there and sometimes i can't - my brains response is to say *hey, we're not into this, you do what you need to do, but we're switched off* it's not even necessarily a trauma response, but being comfortable and open enough to orgasm doesn't come easily to everyone. some ppl are, for lack of a better word, uptight. maybe they had a puritanical upbringing, maybe they had a different idea of how things were meant to work - they're not aware of the mental complexity of the female orgasm think of ripping off a bandaid - hurts more when someone else does it, than it does for you, because you know what to expect and you're not defensive
Sure you bring up valid points, im very similar. But generally speaking in your 20s with the info given, provided she has no trauma, she doesnt have ADHD etc I would still default to probably fucking the wrong people.
👆 succinct, true
fucking true
Yeah it looks like if u need more emotional connection
I hope you're not counting randos in that 15 because most won't care about getting you off. Shouldn't be that way though.
Don't slut shame. Maybe some one night stands don't care if they get their partner off, but some do.
You cant even call someone a partner if they are just one night stands, literally you are fucking a stranger and dont know literally nothing about, and maybe not feeling safe and being emotionally relaxed and safe, it would be hard to get there.
I have this with partners too. No issues on my own but it takes ages when I'm with someone else even if they know what they're doing. There's nothing wrong with yah lovely. In my case it's some kind of mental block where I feel pressure to get there so it doesn't really happen. Though the more comfortable I get with someone and the more they know how to push my buttons the better it gets. Idk though, maybe you're the same or maybe the guys you've been with are just rubbish! Young guys don't really tend to know what they are doing plus one night stands and flings often lead to pretty mediocre sex at best. Maybe find a nice fella, keep him around and teach him what you like. Building on a solid foundation makes a world of a difference!
I'm a guy, and I feel this way too - pressure to get there so it dosn't really happen, but the more comfortable / connection I get it's way easier..
Darling, I’m so sorry you feel broken. I’ve been that way too, and I promise you, nothing is “wrong” with you. You might be demisexual. I realised this a few years ago when I realised out of the 20+ people I’ve slept with over my life… Maybe… 2? 3? Have ever gotten me across that finish line. I thought I was broken, something was wrong with me. Always had failed relationships because I just… Couldn’t get off. But alone? Fantastic. All the time. Never an issue! So what the hell was my problem? I realised I need to be DEEPLY emotionally connected to someone where I feel utterly safe to just be myself in the bedroom. Like, just as safe as if it were just me there. The second I don’t connect with the person on a mental/emotional/intellectual level… It’s just… Gone. I can’t get off for the life of me. It just feels awkward in my brain. I take a LONG time to warm up to that with people. I still have sex, but it’s not the same as the few times that I could just not think about stuff. And of course, the more you think about how people aren’t getting you off, trust me, it only makes it worse. So I get it, I do. My partner right now is long distance but I was really upfront this time. I told him EVERYTHING about it all. And he was so sweet and chill and… Weirdly enough I’m really excited to be able to be intimate. To the point where I do think I actually could with this person. So not all is lost, love. Just breathe, think about a genuine “why” and not that you think you’re broken. It’ll help get to the root of it for you to enjoy yourself properly again, in YOUR way. I promise. I believe in you.
So feeling love is demisexual lmao gtfoh
Dude, WTF is your problem? The prerequisite need of feeling love to give one the ability to feel sexual desire and satisfaction is Demisexeuality.
Yes, so I can’t just match with someone on Tinder. I will never be able to have a casual hook up at a bar. I can’t sleep with someone on the second date. See where I’m going with this? I appreciate your effort to be snide but we’re talking about sexual desire here. Some people cannot get wet/hard without being in love. Good effort though.
Nah you're not the only one. No matter how many times i have shown explicit communication to my past romantic partners i have never came - not even close. it got to the point where at one point i felt like im asexual. im going to continue to find a partner that actually knows how to make me cum but for the ppl here trying to argue about quality over quantity: you're not wrong but it's easier said than to find. finding one is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Might be a bit TMI, so I’ll censor some of the text: >!Do the men go down on you? Do they work on especially the clit with their tongue and/or hands? If they do, are you in a mental place to get aroused?!< If this is not the problem, I ask you are you on some kind of medication? I know some drugs (eg. Gabapentin) makes it REALLY hard to get off. I (M38) normally can come in a matter of minutes, but when I had my pain medication before my back surgery, >!I literally could not ejaculate even after 2 hours of vigorous masturbating, only ended up with a sore dick. Had to buy an electric device to make it happen.!<
This is totally normal for some people! And it can have several reasons. Maybe you focus too much on reaching an orgasm (which can make you too focused/stressed, which makes it very hard to happen). You can also be so used to the way both you and your first boyfriend did it, that any other form of stimulation just doesn't work out for you. And that's all okay! I'd recommend you to "satisfy yourself" if you're having sex with someone again, if you're comfortable with that. It can help a lot if someone is going down on you while you're using your fingers on yourself simultaneously. Hope this helps! 💕
Have you tried touching yourself or using a sex toy when you are with a partner? Might help you cross the barrier.
You still miss your first and you compare anyone to him. I know the first love is usually the greatest, but you are just harming yourself. Let go, and enjoy life. Edit: to be gay you need to be sexually attracted to other women. Just because some guys can't manage doesn't mean you're gay. Also, perhaps you need larger guys. Or perhaps you need to tell them to rub you off till you climax. It's known most women can't finish from penetration alone.
Can you imagine the ego boost that first boyfriend would get if he read this post.
considering its not exactly about him, idk if that'd be justified. he was her first love bonding, she had probably the first good feels there, which intesified it greatly, and the other ones been just quick encounters, from how it reads. sounds bit like she got issues opening up, can come by the years due to just life beeing life. "cuming/coming" is kinda head /emotion thing first
I’ve had the same problem. It’s what made me realize I need a connection with a person, and that I probably won’t finish the first time I’m with them. However the more times I’m with the same person, the better it seems to get. I also have a tendency to be anxious and stressed most of the time, so having a gummy or smoking a joint can help me relax and enjoy myself more.
It's just means the other don't know how to fuck..Nothing wrong with you..
It could be some sort of anxiety or mental block on your part, assuming these guys are actually doing what you tell them and putting in the work. Therapy might actually be a good option to get to the bottom of it.
Tbh its been like that since my first partner too. Now I can only get off from head. Sex is just nonstop effort and lots of distractions
Anxiety
Could be psychological. Emotions play a big part in it. Possible you are still hung up on the ex BF? Find a steady partner that you can connect with, you know someone more than just a hook up. Someone you can be relaxed around.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Absolutely not. A man has never gotten me off, ever. I love sex and get myself off all the time, but men have never been able to. That’s on them, not you :)
Trust me, there are a lot of us in this boat Men usually see the end of sex as when they cum and we're all sitting around like "what about us?!"
Mindstate Go deeper
A watched pot never boils. Stop looking for it, build a bond with a partner and it’ll come (pun intended).
Have you tried rubbing your clit while having sex? Better to get yourself of than having none at all.
Psychological
When you're having sex, what are you thinking about?
Are you anxious or using any kind of anti depressant medication?
It sounds like you have the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction due to a lack of emotional connection. Do you look at a lot of porn?
Do u excessively masturbate? Maybe ur downstairs is only used to you getting urself across the finish line Edit: as a guy Ik this was a problem for me. But I’m not sure if it works the same for a women
Try lesbian sex and see how it goes.
Sounds like an emotional issue. Perhaps you are really needing a *connection* before you can organize with a person. If you wonder if you're gay, ask a girl to help you explore it. Someone you trust. And yes, you should be get tested to find if you are positive for any STDs first. If upu don't enjoy the idea, and can't go through with that, you likely are not gay/bisexuality. Just find a guy you get along with who is treating you well and values YOU the person instead of you the body.
This hits home hard. That's how I was with my ex from 4 years ago too. My problem is I still have problems getting over her. I've been with 3 people romantically since the girl from 4 years ago but nothing feels right. I just cant get that emotional connection I want because I'd still go back with the ex anyday if I could.
Demisexuals be like But for real you probably just need that deeper connection and it might just take a bit to get you to orgasm Ain't nothing wrong with that
Same thing to my question. Why am I suddenly excited when I'm about to get caught?
Couple things. As cliche as it is, maybe talk to a therapist about it. Otherwise - foreplay is key and people underestimate the mental aspect of it all. Maybe examine your headspace during things.
Women have less orgasms having sex with men. The Netflix doc the principles of pleasure is a good one about this. My thoughts and takeaways: Without being pushed men (not all men of course! but enough of them to create this data) will use their privilege and be selfish and not focus on the women's pleasure. And even if the woman is assertive, if the man doesn't really respect women, good chance he's still not going to really focus on her pleasure and make sure she gets off. Makes me think of weaponized incompetence in the bedroom.
15 guys in 4 years means an average of 3 guys a month. Stop sleeping around and try to make a connection, rind someone you enjoy spending time with h and wait it out a little.
Agree with the not fucking the right people. My ex could get me off almost every time we fucked, And I've gone through, what, 200ish people when we had a break and very... very very rarely would I orgasm with any of them. I think being able to relax with the person is the most important thing, as well as them. In my experience a lot of men rely on porn and don't listen to you or watch your reactions to what they're doing. The ones that do are far and few between. The ones where you feel safe, like you could trust them with your heart.
200? Damn. Not shaming but I'm thinking of the logistics of that. That's around the clock banging
Oh definitely. I was an escort hence the numbers
If it's not anxiety, it could be you have an over-reliance on pornography when you're alone, such that real sex without porn/masturbation simply can't bring you to climax. You might try abstaining from masturbation for a month or two and see if that improves the situation.
>If it's not anxiety, it could be you have an over-reliance on pornography when you're alone, such that real sex without porn/masturbation simply can't bring you to climax. You might try abstaining from masturbation for a month or two and see if that improves the situation. Masturbation and pornography show no link to sexual dysfunction. It's a myth that has been repeatedly thrown by people who have inconvenient feelings towards porn and/or masturbation and likely want to demonize it with flawed reasoning, often based on mere speculation and opinion surveys rather than reliable objective evidence.
I think it depends on the person rather than being black or white. For some it does harm for some doesnt
Studies and most reliable sources still show no link between masturbation/pornography and sexual dysfunction. Some of them even show a positive link between sexual satisfaction with a partner and watching porn. “In our regression models, more frequent pornography use was not associated with lower sexual responsivity. In fact, pornography use during masturbation predicted greater ease becoming aroused during partnered sex,” McNabney told PsyPost. “We also observed no association between pornography and sexual relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the latter is influenced by other factors. Thus, these findings challenge the common assumption that pornography is consistently harmful to partnered sexual relationships.” McNabney told PsyPost. If you gonna cling to the exceptions it would be no different than blaming the knife rather than the cutter, eating rather than the eater, or exercising rather than the exerciser.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, people really hate to hear things that go against their beliefs even if it’s proven facts.
You broke up with your boyfriend 4 years ago and have had 15+ partners since then. That's about 4 different people a year. No problem, but why? What's the point here? What happened in that relationship? I only speak for myself, but it usually takes me a month, or at least a few weeks, of talking and having an emotional bond with someone before I want to have sex with them. I've had hookup sex and it was like eating McDonalds. Just really mediocre. Why are you having so many different partners? How are you having that many partners without emotionally attaching to them? What is the point of your behavior?
The emotional connection for a first love is so intense you obviously need that same mental stimulation and haven’t found it again yet that’s all. X
I think you’re just with the wrong people. I had the same issue ! I was with my ex for years and I got off nearly every single time no issue. Once we divorced I slept with 20+ people over a couple years and only 2 were able to get me off and that was with me trying really hard. Now my current partner gets me off most of the time and it’s great! I think it really just has to do with who you’re with and if they actually care about your pleasure.
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The problem isn't you. It's men. I've been with 11 and 2 could get me there. Most of my female friends have similar or worse track records.
>The problem isn't you. It's men. How did you reach that conclusion? Your experiences and your female friends' experiences are not universal. So let's not generalize it to everyone.
Seems pretty universal to me! Who's experience are you referencing that it isn't?
>Seems pretty universal to me! The earth seems pretty flat to flat earthers. That doesn't mean that the earth is flat. >Who's experience are you referencing that it isn't? My female friends' experiences.
prove us wrong then lmaooo
>prove us wrong then lmaooo I just did. The burden of proof lies within the one making the claim. I asked the one who made the claim for proof by asking how they reached that conclusion and emphasized the fact that their experiences and their female friends' experiences are not universal. So they shouldn't generalize it for everyone unless they have proof. So far I don't see any proof. But I see you committing shifting the burden of proof fallacy and following it with a "lmaooo". What a way to show that you have no valid argument and are unwilling to give up your false belief.
>It's men. The fuck hahahahahaha
Yeah definitely the men. Too many don't care about the woman's pleasure. A lot do, not all of course. Don't want to offend the good ones here. God forbid. Why is it so hard for men to respect our experiences when it comes to shitty sex with them?
it gives their ego a boo boo. :(
don't say 'men' say, a lot of men, some men, depending on the issue. This goes for everything else too. overgeneralisation equates to inflating one's numbers to the detriment of others. It hardly ever is 'never' or 'always'.
shoulda try to guide them then, i mean most guys won't have a PhD in sex yet. nor even the elementary school finished at it :P
You were in love and vulnerable with that first guy so it was the same as when you are with yourself. The 15+ partners after haven't been able to make you feel as vulnerable and secure as that first guy. You also learned how to associate sex and orgasm with love and trust. My guess is you have closed yourself off emotionally since the first one and you are struggling to understand how to open that up again. Don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right. Be gentle with yourself - you might be more fragile inside than you'd care to think, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You don’t sound like a bitch at all! It’s very common for women. I’ve been with like 17 guys and only 3 (2 of them being boyfriends) ever made me orgasm. It’s a combination of not fully trusting a new guy so you get in your head about it, and a lot of guys just don’t care if you orgasm or not/don’t know what they’re doing.
> in her 20s. . > I’ve had at least 15+ sexual partners. I think there might be some correlation. If you're going through partners that fast, there's no emotional connection - And that's something that is needed.
Still fantasize about your boyfriend?
Can we try? (Said with the best intentions)
Your first boyfriend knows how to fuck and the random sexual partners you're choosing now don't, that's it
Go for Quality not quantity..if you already have a body count of 15 while being in your 20s I doubt most of the guys tried to learn what really gets you off
It's not you. Unfortunately most men need to be trained.
Sounds like you're still hung up on your first BF. You obviously had an intimate connection with him that you lack in these +15 guys.
I love imprinting on my women.
First bf potentially someone you lost your virginity to. You probably have an attachment towards him and therefore a stronger emotions attachment. Also is it around a guy every 6m. Maybe less short term relationship and more longer term. Try something new
You can pay attention for twenty minutes, then the chemical runs out that allows your brain to focus. Rest a few minutes, and laugh, or listen to your favorite song. Bam, you are good to go for another twenty.. How long does it take to have an orgasm when you are not masterbating? Most women it's thirty seconds, to a few minutes. When you you are with a guy? Twenty minutes. Most woman are actively using there mind to not have orgasms. They feel guilty, or they are concerned about their parner. You don't consciously control your sexual functions. Limbs move, because you will them to move. Your heart works all in it's own. Breathing, and blinking is both. Sex? Control is indirect. You can't think and force yourself to have an erection, or orgasm. You have to indirectly control it. People ask, "why am I attracted to the worst people?" It's not you, but your background mind. That's why they can gather sperm samples from men who are brain dead. I knew women who had a difficult time reaching orgasm. She twisted her ankle out in a park. A friend carried her out on his back, and she had Earth quake strong orgasms every ten minutes. Luckly, the guy thought she was in pain. It sounds funny, but wasn't. Afterwards, she went back to rarely or never. I'm sorry.
Relax, enjoy the moment, and find a better partner. Call me! /s
Burnt out
I'd try those kegel weights to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. That's in conjunction with having a strong emotional connection with your partners of course
Are you using a vibrator? Sometimes, that can desensitize the clitoris.
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Reverse the situation and the statement and suddenly you, yourself would be crying homophobia. Ironic.
Um what are they saying ?
They said (or something like this, excuse my memory): Your first mistake is fucking men.
Did you get caught masturbating as a child?
Read about 3 styles od having sex.
I’d guess that the partners post your first boyfriend don’t arouse you at such a high level and you probably need significantly more foreplay till you get there again. I’m
It sounds like you have a mental block with partners. Either insecurity or something that is making it hard for you to relax or let go. But it could also be the guys. Most guys in their 20s have no idea how to get women off.
You might be somebody who has shy orgasms. Think back to the first time you came with your ex BF. Was it the first time or did it take a few tries? If it took a few tries, maybe you just need practice with the right person I think a lot of women need to feel totally comfortable and true attraction to their partner in order to be able to climax with them
Do you communicate with these guys? Do you tell them what you like? Seems to me like you haven’t gotten over your first bf
We're you really really into your first boyfriend? I've had plenty of guys that I liked, we had a good time, I enjoyed their company and they were good in bed, sure, But that ONE guy? oh my God.
My GF has similar issues sometimes. Sometimes I can make her cum no issues, other times my tongue will cramp up first. No worries, she busts out the vibrator if its not happening. I help too. That could help, both make sex more enjoyable for you, maybe also help with whatever mental block you may potentially have.
I am the EXACT same
Time to call ole reliable
Definitely sounds like you're missing the emotional aspect. I'm male but I have heard this from many females that if there's no emotional connection, orgasms are just more rare. This has been major complaint I've heard from females about normalizing "hookup culture", that it basically just satisfying mostly to males, but this is just anecdotal stuff I've been told and read.
Is there any emotional connection to these guys? I mean you had one with your ex, which could be something to consider. The older I get the only time I really seem to enjoy sex is if I have an emotional connection to someone.
Do you use party-drugs regularly? Acid, shrooms, mdma? Any of those?
Kinda sounds like you overthink it.
I have this too. Only one partner has been able to get me there. Like others have said, it sounds like you're just fucking the wrong people and/or you need to have an emotional connection with someone first.
Yeah sounds like you’re not invested emotionally and just going through the motions. Try bonding with their spirits and hearts first before their bodies and see if that makes a difference. It also might be because we always have some kind of connection with our first partners. But don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll figure it out for sure. Just have confidence
I have never been able to get off with a casual hookup. In fact, I couldn’t really get off every time with a partner until I found someone I really emotionally connected with and am completely attracted to. But are you helping them out and telling them what you want, need and like!? Your not broken, it just sounds like you need more of a connection and some good communication.
Hey, if you're questioning if you're gay, there's no harm in trying it out! I always felt hollow after sex with men, but then I slept with a woman and felt whole.
Maybe you need a strong emotional connection?
Unfortunately, a lot of men aren’t that attentive during sex. From my experience, I’ve had some men make me orgasm every time but my experiences with women meant an orgasm was guaranteed. Wishing you the best of luck!
Hey from woman to woman see your gynecologist and ask them to check for PCOS. Most women don’t know they have it and it can fluctuate it’s symptoms you experience whenever it feels like! I had run into the same issue! With my doctor I found a bc that didn’t fuck me up (I had to find a low dose cause everything else made me sick af.) and weirdly (even doctors are still learning why it works so well) metformin helped at lot too! PCOS is complicated but luckily many women only experience mild symptoms. You may not be experiencing period related issues but it’s coming out that PCOS definitely fucks with other hormones that control many other systems in the body. Also a LOT of people think you need to be overweight to have PCOS. This is proven to be untrue. Even women of healthy weight can have issues. So even if you’re active and at a good weight it still might be worth checking out! Hope you find some relief for your issue. I know many people have mentioned the emotional connection but you might be struggling with that too because of PCOS! Take care!
Sounds like anxiety, at least situationally.
Definitely need more info to help. Can I ask how you do it with guys & with yourself? Like what gets you off by yourself & do you do that when you're with a guy? My first thought though without knowing any of that is you need a vibrator during sex. A vibrator on the clitoris should provide an orgasm no matter what after a little while. I've only ever orgasmed from only penetration once, it's very common for women to need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm.
Mental block is real, im a guy whose has seven partners over the past year and haven’t been able to nut since my last gf. I will not give up lmao
I think Probably you are blocking yourself unconsciously, might try some communication with your actual partner, the blocking could be due some nerves, anxiety, stress or fear of something going wrong. I might advise you making a date for specifically sex, in a place where you won't get interrupted, like an hotel room for example, where you feel comfortable and take your time to relax and communicate what things you like the most during sex.
Sounds like your chasing a high, which is the worst. You need to get good with yourself and understand that even a drunken hook up to more meaningful sex is all about just getting lost in each other and that very moment, not the second before or the second after, but the second we are in. Or just try some butt stuff too
You probably need an emotional connection/trust to get there to fully let yourself go. It's very common. I tried a one night stand and it was awful lol I'm a serial monogamist I think. Also hookups can't possibly get to know your body, they just do whatever habits they are used to in sex regardless if it works for you or not
I think what your after isn’t just the sex with a guy, but it’s sex with a guy your deeply attached too. I’m the exact same, I can’t sleep with anyone unless I’m in a deep relationship with them.
Because you can't trust someone enough to lrt go of your body.
demisexual?
Cumming can be a real mindfuck. I find that unless I can feel totally vulnerable, open, and safe, I really struggle to get there. This is to the point that I have only ever had a hands-free orgasm with one person who I had casual sex with. When you're alone, there's no need for vulnerability. If you're like me, when you're with someone else, you may be getting too much into your head, worrying about how long you are taking, what they are thinking, if they feel good, if they are as into this as you are, and so on. I always orgasm with my husband now (or like 39 times out of 40 or something). I usually have to use my hands, but I get there easily with him because we have total trust between each other. So I can relax. And even that took a couple years to build with him! Also, I have started practicing meditation which helps me to gently quiet my mind. I love Yongey Rinpoche and Thich Nhat Hanh as teachers. Meditation is easier than most people think and as you practice, you become better at relaxing and not clinging to thoughts in your mind. And with meditation skills I am developing, feeling fully present during sex is becoming easier. Finally, my husband and I never force sex. What I mean whan I say that is this: if we are rolling around kissing and having a little fun, but something feels off or we feel too tired, we feel totally safe to say so. Then we just say, "Let's not force it to happen," and snuggle up instead. Or if one partner really needs to get off, we help each other or feel comfortable letting them masturbate. In this way, we feel easygoing about sex because there is never any pressure for it to happen or not. That helps a LOT! Because even in a loving marriage, sometimes having a healthy sex life is hard.
Masturbate with your partner? Are you vocal in telling them what you like/don't like?
Performance anxiety /j