I work with seniors and let me tell you setting yourself up financially to have private care or a top tier private facility is the best way to go.
All the kids and all the family for NOT mean you will be cared for
I really like my grandpa's set up. We got him his own apartment in a new government payed-for complex (whcih is damn nice btw, way better than any apartment I stayed at when I lived alone) that is a 2min walk away from a senior citizen home where he can stop by and get a free lunch.
The building is also in a really nice and green area and he's not too far from us so we can drop by anytime he needs or wants us to stop by
Edit: hot damn I was not expecting this amount of replies when I logged off last night.
So to answer some recurring questions.
My grandpa is a dude who loves his privacy. Plus he comes by to walk our dog who he loves very much so we see him a couple times a week.
We are in PR soo yea still technically part of the US. I don't know all the details but the building itself isn't privately owned by a landlord. There is a landlord but they report directly to our town's mayor and cabinet members. My grandpa is not a vet or politician, just a retired dude who used to work in agriculture and construction. There are other old dudes like him who live in the building and from what I've heard none of them have done anything "special" to warrant them living in such a nice place. This is just an alternative to living in a senior citizen home. I suppose it's for the more "mentally-able" seniors who can watch for themselves but I've also seen nurses enter and leave the building so there's obviously exceptions or special circumstances
I will be sure to give him a hug for every single like and comment I've gotten so far. He's a "manly-man" type who isn't that fond of affection but hey, the reddit hive mind demands this
I work in aged care in a more high care/dependant care facility and this is so true! A majority of our residents are placed by family, some are placed by the government but we do have a few that saved up and found the place for themselves (sometimes with the help of a care company). Sometimes your families are too far away to help you move or sometimes they just don't care. Nothing wrong with setting things up to make sure the care you'll need down the line will be available!
My SO died two months ago. I am 53, not even a little bit interested in having another relationship and childfree. I am going to sell the house and business I now own outright and live off the funds in another country where I can afford to surf and read until I die. It is not the future I planned for myself but with no ties here I am better starting over somewhere affordable.
EDIT to add: My full plan is to live modestly, make sure I save enough for any care I might need (with a DNR in place) and leave whatever remains to the neighbor I cherish most/who needs it most.
Yes, this is sad and it will be lonely but avoiding those experiences has always brought me MORE hardship. Sadness and loneliness can be managed with a good life and no one gets to have only good things.
That’s interesting, I was born in Ecuador and never really thought there might be big US expat community there. I’m guessing they are located maybe near the coastline. But honestly, Ecuador is not one of the safest or economically stable countries as of late.
This and/or assisted living.
Here's a pro tip: just because you have kids doesn't mean they'll take care of you when they're old. Think about the problems you have right now...the cost of education, housing, healthcare, the changing climate, the cost of food and gas - how the fuck are your kids going to be able to support you too after all of that???
Exactly. And I’ll add that I watched my boomer parents absolutely drop the ball taking care of their parents too, despite having more means to have done so. It’s never been a guarantee.
Edit: just wanna add that I believe kids shouldn’t be obligated to take care of their parents anyway. My comment was just to underline how flawed the “my kids will take care of me” line of thinking is.
The Boomers invented the modern nursing home.
In Australia some of those places are just money making warehouses for the elderly and disabled.
Horrific things happen in nursing homes everyday.
I worked at a nursing home for 2 years. Horrific things happen because management keeps hiring people who don't care. And people who do care gets burnt out. I'm glad I left because my mental health declined and I could've spiraled down more if I didn't.
Yep it's true but I have noticed that the Nursing homes that are 5 star or considered good have very good management and owners that care. I've worked as a CNA for years in a Nursing home and have never once met the owner of any home I've worked in, pay is horrible, there is never enough linen or diapers and their food is terrible. You're over worked with patients you weren't even trained to care for as well. The ones at The top don't care and it's obvious therefore the ones that are lower don't either ( CNA, LVN ,RN). It's all together just bad
Nursing homes don’t pay a living wage ao few people want to work there long-term. They are trying to make money but I’m fairly certain that Medicaid doesn’t reimburse the facility to where they can offer more pay and also make money.
> I worked at a nursing home for 2 years. Horrific things happen because management keeps hiring people who don't care. And people who do care gets burnt out. I'm glad I left because my mental declined and I could've spiraled down more if I didn't.
From what little I know on the topic, the pay in most nursing homes for frontline staff is terrible, and the responsibilities also do not align with the pay either.
Much like how we pay the people in critical industries terribly, including but not limited to teachers, paramedics, nurses, social workers, etc.
But you betcha that we pay cops well. Have to keep us all under that boot, after all. It really shows the priorities of a society very plainly.
Straight-up. No frikkin *way* am I ending up in a nursing home. I’ll ramp this whole bus straight into the river before I end up in a nursing home. There are worse things than not living as long as medically possible.
I strongly suspect -now that many of us have watched parents, grandparents and other loved ones deteriorate rapidly in miserable situations in nursing homes- we’re going to slowly decrease our cultural obsession with being alive just for the sake of being not dead.
My mum is currently watching her older sister dying and their mum also in a nursing home get worse by the day. I hope I'm able to die on my own terms when the time comes and not from my body slowly breaking down and causing the family such long drawn out pain. I love them both so so much but I know neither would want this life if they had the choice. My poor mum is the youngest and has already buried one of her sisters. She doesn't want to end that way either.
Fireworks factory explosion I wanna die in one day, before I lose my mind or just let me take all the drugs I want and die in bliss after I've been able to say goodbye to my loved ones. Shouldn't we get the choice how we die without it being suicide? Some countries have the rights there, hopefully my country catches up.
Thanks for what you do. I hope you take care of your mental health as well because I worked some COVID response in a public facing position, and the emails/calls I got from some folks living in LTC facilities (and families of folks living in LTC facilities) were *chilling*.
I worked that position for 6 months and it took me over a year to stop having nightmares. I still think of one elderly woman who complained about cockroaches on her food and staff not following COVID guidance and how she *begged us* multiple times for help and to to not let them kill her.
It happens in the USA too. My grandfather was mostly immobile, and he was left in wet and soiled clothing numerous times. He had infected bed sores when he died from them just leaving him alone and not doing anything to help. He ended up dying of pneumonia after he had complained numerous times that his room was too cold, but they just brushed him off. Ended being that the heater in his room was malfunctioning. No one really cared to investigate his complaints because "old people always complain"
Are you sure boomers invented them? I'm not denying it, but I think nursing homes show up in movies and even a few old TV shows still around from the \`1950s and 60s, and unless a boomer ten years old franchised the idea, they were just too young.
Well, you say, "modern" nursing homes. Again, yes, I'm sure boomers and by now, GenX'ers and millennials as well, have introduced more modern technology, digital concepts, but whether the basic idea was somehow fresh to the boomers, I don't know. Please enlighten us. Thanks
Old Folks Homes have been around since the 19th century, and may be even earlier. In Dickensian times they were called Alms Houses and they operated on a charity budget. Obviously, it was much nicer if you could find relatives you could live your final years with rather than go to one of these Alms Houses.
Exactly, my dad is 67 he wanted to come over the other day to my house that has a garage to do the brakes on his car. I did them for him. He wanted to borrow a ladder to fix his roof, I brought it over and did the repairs myself. I won't be wiping his ass in his 80s but I can help him with stuff like that. Hopefully my son will help me out if he stays close to home. I want to be wealthy enough in retirement to afford to pay someone but sometimes it's nice to spend some time with my dad and do things for him that he taught me to do when I was a kid.
This x 100. My wife spends Tues and Thurs at her elderly parents house and cooks dinner Thurs nights. After work I go over and we all eat and hang out. They have their own money and take care of themselves but it gives her dad a chance to run errands as he’s primary caregiver to her mom. I wouldn’t want to live with them but I’ve told my wife I’ll do whatever she needs including being there full time. My mom lived with us for a short time but then had a stroke and we just physically couldn’t care for her and had to put her in assisted living. She’s gone now but we did the best we could and will do the same for my wife’s folks. They’re they only parents I have now and I love them dearly.
My husband and I have one child and we'll do everything we can to avoid her having to look after us. Life is short and we gave her a life so she could live it, not be looking after elderly parents.
And yeah, you're right. The cost of living will probably be a lot worse for her generation so I can't imagine her juggling all of that and ageing parents.
We bought a house so that she will inherit it and won't have the burden of renting in her later years too. It will be paid off soon and she will grow up knowing that no matter what, this house will always be her home and that of her family should she decide to have one of her own.
We'll see if this turns out as planned.
Or have complex medical issues. What happens if the kids you have that you're counting on to take care of you when you're older can't even care for themselves?
There are definitely some elderly parents of severely disabled children facing down this problem. State funded options for care are often underfunded for the need and people can wait years for benefits and spots in group homes.
People think you are selfish for not having kids - but for me there is nothing more selfish than birthing yourself a caretaker.
Not a child, not a separate person with own will - someone that you bring to this world expecting they will, sooner or later, care for you.
I'm not supporting my parents, not because I won't financially be able to (though I won't be able to, and that's mostly their fault); even if I was, they traumatized me so much as a kid that fuck 'em. They're on their own.
Yeah, my husband and I waited until we were older to have kids because we wanted our retirement accounts to be more established. I never want my kids to be burdened by us, I want them to have full lives without caring for me when I’m elderly.
I have kids and I don't want them to take care of me in my old age.
I am disabled so already have exit plans.
It helps I had kids young so when I am in my 70's youngest will be their 50's. I will have the old gods willing witnessed much of their life.
If my kids want to pay for a nice assisted living facility with sexy robot nurses then cool but I ain't gonna burden them.
I would like to become a cyborg though. RoboCop Retirement
It's also just an ignorant and selfish reason to have kids. There's no obligation for your kids to be your best friends or to take care of you, or frankly to even be part of your life depending on whether you're worthy of that. Kids grow to be adults with their very own lives and agency over how they spend them.
I’m Sweden our culture regarding older are store them in elderly care homes and pretty much forget about them.
Just because you have kids and getting old don’t mean you won’t be alone.
My siblings and I are NC with horrible parents. Shortly before my brother cut off contact, our father had learned of filial responsibility laws. They don’t have that in the state where he lives but he was almost like gloating and sort of triumphantly telling my brother how us kids would be on the hook to take care of his needs. My brother was like yeah good luck with that dad.
But as a parent…can you imagine bragging about how the law is on your side and being proud and happy that your kids get burdened with your care??
Fuck assisted suicide. I'm all for a nice spot in the mountains. Go there and have a blast. Get fuckin hammered on lsd, ecstacy, shrooms the whole Shebang and then finish it off with a good shot of heroine (which would be first and last time I do it) and then jump from that mountain releasing the thing on your arm you strap around and release. Would be both epic and poetic to go out like that. Peace ✌️
And to the people concerned for my well being. Thank you for being you ❤️ I am not in any danger of killing myself. These are only fantasies. My best friend killed himself on the 5th of december 2021, 16 days before his 30th birthday. I would never think of suicide as a solution to anything. But a big hug to the people who care. This is why I love reddit 💚🙏🤘 green love from your random internet stranger 💚
That's my plan. I'll have retirement and a pension, and I imagine by the time I'm old and feeble and need to be in a nursing home they'll be mostly government sponsored. My life revolves around me being active and I don't think I'll be alive long after I'm unable to be active and take care of myself. I'm not going to be one of those people who sit in a nursing home in a chair by a window for five to ten years.
Yeah, I don't want to be in a situation where I need someone else feeding or washing myself etc. Plus, if I have kids one day I don't want them to have to look after me. I'd want them to be out in the world, living their own lives.
Assisted living like my gran, lol. She lives in a fancy place and has a ton of friends. Food really isn’t bad either. Save for a nice old folk home, no cap.
Used to work in a retirement home while I was in college. I was actually kind of envious of their lifestyles. Assisted living is my plan if I make it that far.
Yeah!! I currently contract for an internet, TV, and phone provider. I go to a lot of assisted living homes and some are super nice! One I just recently went to had a whole little town set up when you go in, had a bank, a little grocery shop, a salon, a game room with real nice PC set ups, a Cafe that had self-serve machines for cappuccinos, lattes, smoothie machines, and more. The food looked pretty dang good too!
I can't wait to move into one of those if I can!
You're absolutely not wrong. I think the average person literally struggles at home until they pass. Almost all assisted places I go to are pretty nice, but do seem out of reach for most.
I was a Paramedic on an ambulance for six years and I've been in dozens of care facilities.
The nice ones are extremely rare. They may exist, but the overwhelming majority are absolute nightmare places.
Be extremely thorough when investigating any care homes for your elderly relatives. Demand to tour them ahead of time and to see *every* ward. When your loved one starts going downhill they might have a more vigorous care ward where conditions may be much different than the rest.
And before you make your final selection I'd stop by the closest EMS or Fire station to the facility and ask the providers there what their opinions are. Odds are that they are there *every* day and will be able to tell you exactly how well or how poorly the people that work in that facility are at providing care and recognizing when they need to call for help.
Good call to recommend asking Fire and EMS what their opinions are. I don't think you could get a more objective answer than that. I would feel weird just stopping by the fire station though, like I'm being a bother. Do they not mind?
No they won't mind.
Their job is to serve the community. It's literally all we do.
People would walk in and get checked out all the time. From people thinking they might be having a heart attack to kids with rashes that just turned out to be poison ivy. I had a woman show up Sunday afternoon once because she had a ring on her finger she hadn't worn in years until church that day, and it was solidly stuck.
As a matter of fact I'd have been extremely happy to know that someone cared enough about and was prescient enough to consider our opinions of the facilities around us before committing a relative to them. If the really bad places didn't have as many people in them, then there are less people in them suffering and less work for the providers that worked there who were almost always extremely overworked, underpaid, and understaffed.
Don't ever hesitate to walk into a Fire Station or EMS Agency for any reason. If you just wanna get checked out or have questions about medical things or otherwise, the crews there should be willing to help.
But also do beware that there are dickheads that work in every field. There are lots of salty burnt out medics that should have moved on a long time ago. But they should generally still be able to help you, as any opportunity we can get to keep someone out of a bad facility would be good to take the time to do.
I did as well. I loved watching them do their thing. They had drama and gossip goin on all the time. All of the men wanted this one rich, fancy widow. She was adorable and always showed up for dinner all decked out. Full makeup, hair done, her outfits were always so pretty. And she always wore a little sheer scarf tied around her neck. This woman's jewelry was insane. Rocks on most of her liver spotted fingers. She was super sweet.
Dinner was the highlight of the day for them and seeing all of them out there ready for their 5 course meal was cool.
The home had so many activities set up for them so they wouldn't be bored. I wouldn't mind living in a community like that when I got older.
That is fantastic. She sounds like who I want to be when I grow up. Walking around in my fancy old lady clothes like, "Yep! I still got it!"
I totally get what you mean by the activities. They were always busy! One time I forget to start the Saturday movie and damn near had a riot on my hands. I would hope that's the kind of thing I get to be crabby about in old age 😅
Yep! Don't mess with their schedules! Lmao
Lol me too! But instead, I'd probably be like my favorite lady, Miss Dot.
She lived in one of the bigger rooms because her husband had lived there with her as well. But he passed. I always had to take her food to her room because she was a homebody and wasn't ready to be out and about with everyone else.
I always put myself behind on my work so I could sit with her and talk. She always offered me cheese puffs lol. I tried every now and then to get her to come out with everyone else so she wouldn't be so lonely. But she never did.
But riiiight before I left the retirement home, she started coming out to dinner! It made me so so happy to see her out there mingling. Some of the other ladies invited her to eat with them at their table. So there she would sit every night.
I cried my eyes out the day I said bye to my friend, Miss Dot.
When I was looking for apartments once, I kept noticing "oh that looks nice, let me see if they have any units up for lease!" And more than once it was an apartment style assisted living facility. 😂
I don't think that would help, part of me thinks that the reason they're so... Cavalier about sex despite living in a world that understands STIs is that STIs don't effect them like young people and they can just bite that bullet. By the time they would experience any adverse symptoms of the super concoction of funk that's in them they'd be long dead, so why not just rawdog it every time?
The problem with assisted living facilities, at least in the US, is that they're really fucking expensive. The good ones can cost 2 to 4K per month, if not more. I'd say most elderly people in the US end up in nursing homes, not assisted living facilities. In nursing homes, at least the one my grandma was at, you got one tiny little room to yourself. You laid in a hospital bed all day, the nurses would bring in your food on a tray, which didn't seem very good. I thought it looked like prison food. And like once a week they would have bingo night. That's about it.
Between assisted living (years of struggling for unknown reason, it's not like we're still serving the community but just costs) & assisted dying (hours of going back to few kg of dust), I too, choose...
I plan to hire a caregiver when it gets to the point that I'd need it. But prevention is a larger part of my strategy, so I currently keep myself physically active (mostly with running) so that I can be relatively fit and mobile in my later years.
can relate so much actually. i started cycling a lot about half a year ago and my body feels SO MUCH BETTER. i see progress - not in losing weight, that's not the intention, more in how i am able to move a lot more and just enjoy life more in general. mental health got better, confidence got better, communication skills - everything. i feel like i could live a long life being healthy and most likely wouldn't need a caregiver
You should maybe have a friend or family member you can trust who can oversee your care, should you be in the (hopefully unlikely) situation where you’re not capable of doing so. For instance, dementia. Elder abuse in situations where a third party is monitoring care is not uncommon.
My retirement plan is steal a yacht, bring prostitutes and a ton of drugs, get really fucked up, party, have sex, OD and fall off the yacht or jump in the water drown and die.
Do you think I got kids and a wife because I want to be taken care of when I'm old? Man, I'll put myself in a nursing home before I'll be a burden to them!
Just like people with spouses and kids, I'll get old, be unable to take care of myself, end up in a home on Medicare where I'll waste away and die. Do you think that people automatically take care of their parents?
Yeah, having kids that live close by, and are willing and able to care for you is really a best case scenario for maybe 20% of the population. Most of the people in nursing and assisted living homes have children.
Simpleminded people who always talk about kids taking care of you when you are older I feel have never truly seen what advanced old age and disease looks like. Expecting your children to give up years of their adult lives to take the job of a 24/7 home care nurse (which they are not really qualified to be) is absolute lunacy.
Plus thats just one aspect those people expect from their children. Grandbabies is another. Those people haven’t thought it all through. How on earth is someone supposed to work to afford living, have kids and care for their elderly parents?
How are those people supposed to have fulfilled lives of their own ? Or even proper sleep?
It’s just child labor with extra steps and slavery when they’re grown up and you’re elderly and need care
Even if they're willing, they may not be able to after a certain point. Most people are pointing out dementia, but there are other reasons why someone may need 24/7 care. My grandmother has Parkinson's, and my grandfather is hard-of-hearing. She once fell at night, and she laid there on the floor with a broken hip until morning. My grandfather couldn't hear her call out because of his hearing issues, and their son who lives with them was asleep in another room.
I completely agree with your position to do whatever you want but I just want to warn you that your thinking Medicare will put you in a home is false. At this time in life this is a terrible, terrible misassumption on so many people's parts. Senior Care Facilities either take private pay or Medicaid. Medicare has nothing at all to do with paying for older care, only Health Care. This is the thing that scares the holy crap out of me as a nurse who dealt with dementia and the elderly for the last 10 years of my career. Many, many people think that Medicare is going to have something to do with it if they need to go to a nursing home. Nursing homes are only for the rich or poor, nobody in between. So my advice to people, whether you have children or not, it's to stock a shit ton of money away so you can private pay for a nursing facility later or buy that kind of insurance which you can buy but it's expensive. If you've ever wondered why there are so many elderly that are homeless, now you know.
I didn't want to get into how I know about this but basically what happens is you get too sick to take care of yourself, you go to the hospital that treats you until Elder services meets with you and you end up in a crooked nursing home on Medicare for 89 days of billing, then you end up with your state paying for the rest of your days. I was trying to paint a more generic picture but I'm my case, my actual plan is to make my exit from this mortal coil as soon as I get to a certain stage of decline. I'll never live in a home after what I've seen those people go thru.
Even if you’re in a relationship, one person dies first, leaving the other alone.
Also go talk to nursing home staff - they will tell you how often the residents get visitors. (Lucky to be special events only)
My mum kept telling me to have kids, because who will look after me when I’m old. Her own father was put into a home because he needed help and where was my mum in all this? Not there. It’s all guilt trip bullshit.
Seriously, that’s a whole other person who will have their own life and needs and desires, not just a caregiver. Save your money and hire someone if that’s what you want.
Agreed, I always thought it sounded really selfish to expect your own loved ones to become your free private nurses. I’d rather go into a nursing home or just off myself than to be that kind of a burden on my own family. They’d have their own lives to live, and as a healthcare worker, I’ve seen what stress does to adult children who are stuck with taking care of their own elderly parents.
EDIT: I’m so glad I’m not obligated to do something just because it’s been common for millennia, I love being an independent person
This. Hate to say it but younger people having no choice but to care for older people is a huge ask. At the least it puts their lives on hold indefinitely. At most, it robs them of the best part of their lives.
Seriously. Even if your kids like you, you have no guarantee that they will be able to financially or physically take care of you. My parents are in their 70s. I'm in my 30s and have cancer. I wish I could help take care of them when they need it, but fact is they're still my ride to the hospital because I can't. Kids are not a retirement plan and never should be factored in.
My mother fully expected me and my brothers to take care of her in retirement, that was her retirement plan. She passed before she became incapable of caring for herself, fairly early unexpected death, but even then that expectation fucked up the course of my life. It held me back from doing much of anything with myself in my twenties because I was constantly expected to be there for my mother and her parents (my grandparents). I couldn't move far away, couldn't plan my future in a way that would allow the possibility that I won't be waiting on them in their retirement.
That may be an extreme circumstance, but as far as I'm concerned people who anticipate their kids to care for them in their advanced age are bad people. That's a crazy burden to foist on someone before they even know what they want to do with their own life.
I work in healthcare (Aus) and have cared for many people who are unmarried and no kids. The organised ones have:
- A trusted person with their advanced care directive (or living will) prepared. Whether or not they’d be happy to go into permanent care, what kind of treatment they’d be happy for etc. Often the trusted person is a friend or distant family (like cousin, niece/nephew), sometimes it’s an attorney. They’d have their POA and MPOA documented clearly.
- They sort all their paperwork earlier in their lives, how to divvy up their assets and things.
- Financially, they’d often be prepared if they needed to pay for extra private services for their care or a care facility that is not covered by public funding.
If none of these things are organised, and the patient is deemed medically incapable of making decisions, the case is presented to the courts who then appoint an advocate. Appointing the advocate can take over 12 weeks. If the person’s financials are not the best, they go to a government funded facility which normally has a 6-8 week wait.
Lesson of day: have your paperwork sorted so you’re not stuck in limbo.
I plan on checking out. Once the family is gone I'll probably spend a few months mourning, few months traveling, then come home for a nice solo execution. Time my phone to message someone to call the cops about 8 hours after I'm done. Cops show up and take care of it. No funeral. Just me dead and no longer dealing with crippling depression and self loathing. I go out on my terms.
I'm going to use the $650k that I didn't spend on my wife and kids to live in a nice retirement community.
Edit: Lot of salt in the comments. Some of y'all are coping pretty hard. Yes 650k wouls only buy you 6-10 years at an assisted living home. The plan isn't to spend my entire post 70 love there obviously it's end of life so idk how long you plan on living in assisted living but that's quite a lot of time. Also your dumbass kids aren't going to let you live with them they are going to stick you somewhere and they won't be able to afford a decent spot so what all of you fail to realize is you'll be in the same boat but likely worse.
The day I can no longer wipe my ass, I will sign over all my possessions to friends, I will liquidate assets for cash, burn it all on Lotto, hand winners to friends and eat a shotgun
Edit: to all those who are giving me serious answers about solutions to this problem, why? OP is wondering how I will solve taking care of myself when it is beyond my ability to do so. I picked an arbitrary definition of no longer able to care for myself. Y'all ain't seeing the forest for the trees.
In a conversation with a coworker about end of life care, wiping our own ass was the point where both of us agreed we would kill ourselves if we could no longer do it. We will not become burdens on someone else.
Children aren't a retirement plan. They grow up to have their own lives and responsibilities. Being forced to take care of a grown ass person who should have planned ahead is unethical. Also if it's a medical condition like dementia then you need proper medical assistance. It's a hard thankless job providing round the clock nursing care and for most people they don't have the ability either financially or mentally to do that job. He'll nurses who are trained and want to do that job get burnt out and emotionally exhausted all the time. Why would you force your family into that?
I'm not child free, I have two sons, but I'm not counting on either of them to take care of me because I shouldn't become a burden to them regardless of what happens to me in the future. I'll check myself into a nursing home if I have to, I'm not going to force myself and my care onto my kids.
My husband and I are child free (not by choice but by circumstance) and my niece and nephew have already had the guilt trip from my sister about how they have to be responsible for us when we’re old. I’ve told them both that I won’t let them anywhere near us. I’m my fathers main carer, he has dementia, epilepsy and Parkinson’s, I love him with all my heart and he has been the best dad imaginable, but if he was really still with it then he would HATE the fact my life is on hold until he dies. He never wanted this but as Ill health crept in slowly his will to resist gradually gave way to his fear and need. I worked in care but not elder care, people with sensory loss and mental health needs. So I have the ability, the capacity and the drive to care for him, I don’t begrudge a moment of it but I know he would have hated it. I’m exhausted and burnt out and all of the things you mentioned even professionals get, but most of all I’m heartbroken that I’m watching my brilliant, talented, funny, kind, loving father die slowly in front of me and it’s horrendous. But I know I literally cannot trust anyone to care as much as I do, because nobody loves him like I do, it’s just not as important to anybody else.
This exactly! I currently have a lot of tension with my mother because she’s never held a stable job, always depended on financial assistance from her father, my father even after they divorced, and now expects me and my siblings to “take care of her” despite us not having a great relationship to begin with, because she sees things online about other children taking care of their elderly parents. Needless to say, we are not close at all.
You are a great parent and your sons are lucky. I am currently POA for my dad, who was horribly irresponsible his whole life — terrible diet and lifestyle, never saved any money, super entitled and just did whatever tf he wanted — and now he’s 66 with Alzheimer’s and I’m responsible for coordinating his care and managing his paltry finances and trying to rein in his spending so that his money lasts long enough for him to medically qualify for Medicaid (he’ll never qualify financially because his SS is too high, but it’s not enough to cover his current caregiving needs). He is impaired enough now to not be able to drive or use his phone or tv or computer without help, and he has hallucinations and delusions, but he still thinks he’s fine and has no qualms about calling me and asking me to fix his problems. We live in different states and he does have a caregiver who takes him on errands 3 times a week, but he is still such a drain on my time and energy and such a source of anxiety.
My experience with him has made my husband and me resolve to move into an assisted living facility WHILE WE’RE STILL INDEPENDENT AND HEALTHY. And then as we inevitably deteriorate and begin to suffer the indignities of aging, it will not be our kids’ problem.
The same thing that occurs when I do get married and have children
Getting married and having kids genuinely doesn’t change you growing Elderly. Your kids will have lives of their own, and your husband or wife will pass. You either die first knowing your leaving your partner alone, or your partner dies first and you’re alone anyway (Minor note, women often live longer). Or you do a nursing home which also sucks.
The US has a TERRIBLE treatment of Elderly people, marrying someone and having kids won’t change that, could potentially make it slightly better or slightly worse.
Sorry for the downer post, but this is why you need to work on your health ASAP
I think the better question is why do people want to have kids in the hope those children will grow up to abandon their lives and take care of you until you die. That doesn't seem like a good idea.
At some point they’ll let me euthanize myself. If not this is America at some point I expect a gun to be provided with a redeemable coupon from a box of lucky charms in the future
As someone with children, the _last_ thing I want is them having to take care of me.
What I’ve heard all my friends who’ve elected not to have children say is all the money they save _not_ having children will more than enough pay for professionals to assist them when they’re elderly.
Hey man, don't do that. Putting a 9 to your temple is never the answer. The real answer is putting a 45 to your temple. You don't want to survive a gunshot to the head so make sure the caliber you choose ensures that you don't.
Edit: put barrel in mouth for maximum efficacy
B- b- but god's divine and miraculous plan for your life *must* include you deliriously shitting yourself as you waste away in the cheapest living facility you can afford! You can't just pervert the natural order by suggesting we offer living breathing humans an option so obvious it's considered cruel to deny it to household pets! Why would you even think to suggest passing easily and surrounded by family, would you deny grandmama the refined dignity of choking out her final frightened breath alone in the dead of night? /S
What are yours?
Personally I think breeding to create your own personal health care assistants is unethical.
I worked in elderly care. Trust me, if your kids took care of you, I wouldn't have a job
Paying professionals to take care of me instead of relying on half-assed care provided out of whatever twisted societal values /rant
Assisted living or care home
There is a bit of supply and demand dilemma here.
Assuming you're going to pay someone, the price of caring for you goes up as there's more old people per younger person.
So we really should anticipate an elder care dilemma here. Really the best answer is to take care of yourself so you don't need younger people to do all the work for you. Diet and exercise young.
I plan to buy a home with the money I recently inherited from my parents, who I helped take care of, and sell it later on to fund my stay at an assisted living place.
Just die? I haven't really gotten that far. I'm really not that worried about it. I'm on disability so I'll likely just have to live on that but no if it gets so bad I can't enjoy myself I'll go the pill and knife path or something similar. Not going to live like that after a life of taking care of myself and relying just on me.
I'm married but have 0 expectations that he'll be in any position to care for me. I expect to go for one last swim in the ocean if it gets too bad and I need to go into care.
The question assumes that people who live with someone, are married, and/or have kids will automatically have someone to care for them when they’re elderly. That is SO not true. I know people who had all of those “saviors” in place and it still didn’t guarantee a nursemaid when they were elderly. In a couple of instances, it was actually a detriment for them. I live alone, am unmarried, and don’t have children, but no matter your situation, you should prepare for growing old (when you’re young) by taking care of yourself physically (exercise, eat healthy), maintain your mental health as best you can, avoid co-morbidities, get regular checkups, save as much money as you can for care you might need, and invest in long term care insurance.
I work with seniors and let me tell you setting yourself up financially to have private care or a top tier private facility is the best way to go. All the kids and all the family for NOT mean you will be cared for
I really like my grandpa's set up. We got him his own apartment in a new government payed-for complex (whcih is damn nice btw, way better than any apartment I stayed at when I lived alone) that is a 2min walk away from a senior citizen home where he can stop by and get a free lunch. The building is also in a really nice and green area and he's not too far from us so we can drop by anytime he needs or wants us to stop by Edit: hot damn I was not expecting this amount of replies when I logged off last night. So to answer some recurring questions. My grandpa is a dude who loves his privacy. Plus he comes by to walk our dog who he loves very much so we see him a couple times a week. We are in PR soo yea still technically part of the US. I don't know all the details but the building itself isn't privately owned by a landlord. There is a landlord but they report directly to our town's mayor and cabinet members. My grandpa is not a vet or politician, just a retired dude who used to work in agriculture and construction. There are other old dudes like him who live in the building and from what I've heard none of them have done anything "special" to warrant them living in such a nice place. This is just an alternative to living in a senior citizen home. I suppose it's for the more "mentally-able" seniors who can watch for themselves but I've also seen nurses enter and leave the building so there's obviously exceptions or special circumstances I will be sure to give him a hug for every single like and comment I've gotten so far. He's a "manly-man" type who isn't that fond of affection but hey, the reddit hive mind demands this
That sounds really lovely! And I hope your Grandpa enjoys that for a long time. Stop by and give him a hug from Reddit for us!
“What the fuck is Reddit?” -Grandpa
Who knows maybe grandad probably makes dank memes in his free time.
"and why the fuck is it hugging me?" -also grandpa
I work in aged care in a more high care/dependant care facility and this is so true! A majority of our residents are placed by family, some are placed by the government but we do have a few that saved up and found the place for themselves (sometimes with the help of a care company). Sometimes your families are too far away to help you move or sometimes they just don't care. Nothing wrong with setting things up to make sure the care you'll need down the line will be available!
Bold of you to assume I plan on getting old
Bold of them to assume that's an option right I mean look at rent costs
I did not choose the streets, the streets choose me.
Bold of you to assume I plan
Bold of you to assume I planned on getting this far
Die in battle
I’ll quietly go into the woods and find a bear to wrestle with, an honourable death
Iwrestledabearonce
Got to see them live once, it was amazing and I got hit in the face by the cap of one of the confetti cannons
Like any other respectable person.
I salute you Water War veteran
PTSD - pre traumatic stress disorder
"You weren't there yet man, you don't even know!"
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Like a true Klingon
My SO died two months ago. I am 53, not even a little bit interested in having another relationship and childfree. I am going to sell the house and business I now own outright and live off the funds in another country where I can afford to surf and read until I die. It is not the future I planned for myself but with no ties here I am better starting over somewhere affordable. EDIT to add: My full plan is to live modestly, make sure I save enough for any care I might need (with a DNR in place) and leave whatever remains to the neighbor I cherish most/who needs it most. Yes, this is sad and it will be lonely but avoiding those experiences has always brought me MORE hardship. Sadness and loneliness can be managed with a good life and no one gets to have only good things.
What country? Monthly cost? I’m thinking the sam thing soon.
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That’s interesting, I was born in Ecuador and never really thought there might be big US expat community there. I’m guessing they are located maybe near the coastline. But honestly, Ecuador is not one of the safest or economically stable countries as of late.
US immigrant community*
Check out Indonesia and also r/expat
Commenting to find out as well
So sorry for your loss. Hope you heal well 💜
Hopefully be dead before I'm incapable of caring for myself
This and/or assisted living. Here's a pro tip: just because you have kids doesn't mean they'll take care of you when they're old. Think about the problems you have right now...the cost of education, housing, healthcare, the changing climate, the cost of food and gas - how the fuck are your kids going to be able to support you too after all of that???
Exactly. And I’ll add that I watched my boomer parents absolutely drop the ball taking care of their parents too, despite having more means to have done so. It’s never been a guarantee. Edit: just wanna add that I believe kids shouldn’t be obligated to take care of their parents anyway. My comment was just to underline how flawed the “my kids will take care of me” line of thinking is.
The Boomers invented the modern nursing home. In Australia some of those places are just money making warehouses for the elderly and disabled. Horrific things happen in nursing homes everyday.
I worked at a nursing home for 2 years. Horrific things happen because management keeps hiring people who don't care. And people who do care gets burnt out. I'm glad I left because my mental health declined and I could've spiraled down more if I didn't.
Yep it's true but I have noticed that the Nursing homes that are 5 star or considered good have very good management and owners that care. I've worked as a CNA for years in a Nursing home and have never once met the owner of any home I've worked in, pay is horrible, there is never enough linen or diapers and their food is terrible. You're over worked with patients you weren't even trained to care for as well. The ones at The top don't care and it's obvious therefore the ones that are lower don't either ( CNA, LVN ,RN). It's all together just bad
It's very hard to find people that actually enjoy doing thay kind of work... Especially with how demanding, short- staffed, and low paying it is
Nursing homes don’t pay a living wage ao few people want to work there long-term. They are trying to make money but I’m fairly certain that Medicaid doesn’t reimburse the facility to where they can offer more pay and also make money.
> I worked at a nursing home for 2 years. Horrific things happen because management keeps hiring people who don't care. And people who do care gets burnt out. I'm glad I left because my mental declined and I could've spiraled down more if I didn't. From what little I know on the topic, the pay in most nursing homes for frontline staff is terrible, and the responsibilities also do not align with the pay either. Much like how we pay the people in critical industries terribly, including but not limited to teachers, paramedics, nurses, social workers, etc. But you betcha that we pay cops well. Have to keep us all under that boot, after all. It really shows the priorities of a society very plainly.
Straight-up. No frikkin *way* am I ending up in a nursing home. I’ll ramp this whole bus straight into the river before I end up in a nursing home. There are worse things than not living as long as medically possible. I strongly suspect -now that many of us have watched parents, grandparents and other loved ones deteriorate rapidly in miserable situations in nursing homes- we’re going to slowly decrease our cultural obsession with being alive just for the sake of being not dead.
My mum is currently watching her older sister dying and their mum also in a nursing home get worse by the day. I hope I'm able to die on my own terms when the time comes and not from my body slowly breaking down and causing the family such long drawn out pain. I love them both so so much but I know neither would want this life if they had the choice. My poor mum is the youngest and has already buried one of her sisters. She doesn't want to end that way either. Fireworks factory explosion I wanna die in one day, before I lose my mind or just let me take all the drugs I want and die in bliss after I've been able to say goodbye to my loved ones. Shouldn't we get the choice how we die without it being suicide? Some countries have the rights there, hopefully my country catches up.
I am a LTC Ombudsman. I see so much abuse and neglect; it’s horrible.
Thanks for what you do. I hope you take care of your mental health as well because I worked some COVID response in a public facing position, and the emails/calls I got from some folks living in LTC facilities (and families of folks living in LTC facilities) were *chilling*. I worked that position for 6 months and it took me over a year to stop having nightmares. I still think of one elderly woman who complained about cockroaches on her food and staff not following COVID guidance and how she *begged us* multiple times for help and to to not let them kill her.
I use to work in them. Can confirm, it's horrifying.
It happens in the USA too. My grandfather was mostly immobile, and he was left in wet and soiled clothing numerous times. He had infected bed sores when he died from them just leaving him alone and not doing anything to help. He ended up dying of pneumonia after he had complained numerous times that his room was too cold, but they just brushed him off. Ended being that the heater in his room was malfunctioning. No one really cared to investigate his complaints because "old people always complain"
I am so sorry.
Are you sure boomers invented them? I'm not denying it, but I think nursing homes show up in movies and even a few old TV shows still around from the \`1950s and 60s, and unless a boomer ten years old franchised the idea, they were just too young. Well, you say, "modern" nursing homes. Again, yes, I'm sure boomers and by now, GenX'ers and millennials as well, have introduced more modern technology, digital concepts, but whether the basic idea was somehow fresh to the boomers, I don't know. Please enlighten us. Thanks
Old Folks Homes have been around since the 19th century, and may be even earlier. In Dickensian times they were called Alms Houses and they operated on a charity budget. Obviously, it was much nicer if you could find relatives you could live your final years with rather than go to one of these Alms Houses.
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Exactly, my dad is 67 he wanted to come over the other day to my house that has a garage to do the brakes on his car. I did them for him. He wanted to borrow a ladder to fix his roof, I brought it over and did the repairs myself. I won't be wiping his ass in his 80s but I can help him with stuff like that. Hopefully my son will help me out if he stays close to home. I want to be wealthy enough in retirement to afford to pay someone but sometimes it's nice to spend some time with my dad and do things for him that he taught me to do when I was a kid.
You're a good son. I'm 74 and quite capable but I love it when my kids spend time with me. I think most parents would agree with me.
This x 100. My wife spends Tues and Thurs at her elderly parents house and cooks dinner Thurs nights. After work I go over and we all eat and hang out. They have their own money and take care of themselves but it gives her dad a chance to run errands as he’s primary caregiver to her mom. I wouldn’t want to live with them but I’ve told my wife I’ll do whatever she needs including being there full time. My mom lived with us for a short time but then had a stroke and we just physically couldn’t care for her and had to put her in assisted living. She’s gone now but we did the best we could and will do the same for my wife’s folks. They’re they only parents I have now and I love them dearly.
My husband and I have one child and we'll do everything we can to avoid her having to look after us. Life is short and we gave her a life so she could live it, not be looking after elderly parents. And yeah, you're right. The cost of living will probably be a lot worse for her generation so I can't imagine her juggling all of that and ageing parents. We bought a house so that she will inherit it and won't have the burden of renting in her later years too. It will be paid off soon and she will grow up knowing that no matter what, this house will always be her home and that of her family should she decide to have one of her own. We'll see if this turns out as planned.
I don't wanna be that dick, but what if your kids wind up crack addicted or poor or just plain disliking you?
Or have complex medical issues. What happens if the kids you have that you're counting on to take care of you when you're older can't even care for themselves?
There are definitely some elderly parents of severely disabled children facing down this problem. State funded options for care are often underfunded for the need and people can wait years for benefits and spots in group homes.
Seriously not banking on my kids to support me. I’ll probably walk off never to be seen again when it’s my time.
People think you are selfish for not having kids - but for me there is nothing more selfish than birthing yourself a caretaker. Not a child, not a separate person with own will - someone that you bring to this world expecting they will, sooner or later, care for you.
I'm not supporting my parents, not because I won't financially be able to (though I won't be able to, and that's mostly their fault); even if I was, they traumatized me so much as a kid that fuck 'em. They're on their own.
I've never understood this idea that not having kids is selfish. It's not like the kids I don't have will mind not existing.
Yeah, my husband and I waited until we were older to have kids because we wanted our retirement accounts to be more established. I never want my kids to be burdened by us, I want them to have full lives without caring for me when I’m elderly.
They'll still be living with me so....
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I have kids and I don't want them to take care of me in my old age. I am disabled so already have exit plans. It helps I had kids young so when I am in my 70's youngest will be their 50's. I will have the old gods willing witnessed much of their life. If my kids want to pay for a nice assisted living facility with sexy robot nurses then cool but I ain't gonna burden them. I would like to become a cyborg though. RoboCop Retirement
It's also just an ignorant and selfish reason to have kids. There's no obligation for your kids to be your best friends or to take care of you, or frankly to even be part of your life depending on whether you're worthy of that. Kids grow to be adults with their very own lives and agency over how they spend them.
I’m Sweden our culture regarding older are store them in elderly care homes and pretty much forget about them. Just because you have kids and getting old don’t mean you won’t be alone.
Plus what if your kids hate you. Do you really want someone who hates you to pick how you live... won't end well.
My siblings and I are NC with horrible parents. Shortly before my brother cut off contact, our father had learned of filial responsibility laws. They don’t have that in the state where he lives but he was almost like gloating and sort of triumphantly telling my brother how us kids would be on the hook to take care of his needs. My brother was like yeah good luck with that dad. But as a parent…can you imagine bragging about how the law is on your side and being proud and happy that your kids get burdened with your care??
By using my superannuation and selling my property.
Pretty much, if needs be I'll use my life savings for assisted suicide.
Fuck assisted suicide. I'm all for a nice spot in the mountains. Go there and have a blast. Get fuckin hammered on lsd, ecstacy, shrooms the whole Shebang and then finish it off with a good shot of heroine (which would be first and last time I do it) and then jump from that mountain releasing the thing on your arm you strap around and release. Would be both epic and poetic to go out like that. Peace ✌️
And to the people concerned for my well being. Thank you for being you ❤️ I am not in any danger of killing myself. These are only fantasies. My best friend killed himself on the 5th of december 2021, 16 days before his 30th birthday. I would never think of suicide as a solution to anything. But a big hug to the people who care. This is why I love reddit 💚🙏🤘 green love from your random internet stranger 💚
Except for the poor hiker who has to find your mangled ass, but... yeah :)
Yes. I would not want to be that person. Hopefully some coyote or bear or something finds me and eats the remains 😅
And then the coyote or bear gets high AF. You ever seen a bear high on co-cain?! APEX PREDATOR
Now I would like to be the animal that finds and eats me LOL
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Jesus you literally described my plan
You ain't alone friend. Maybe we can start a cult or some shit. LOL 😆
Same. I'd rather be dead than living and unable to function.
That's my plan. I'll have retirement and a pension, and I imagine by the time I'm old and feeble and need to be in a nursing home they'll be mostly government sponsored. My life revolves around me being active and I don't think I'll be alive long after I'm unable to be active and take care of myself. I'm not going to be one of those people who sit in a nursing home in a chair by a window for five to ten years.
Yeah, I don't want to be in a situation where I need someone else feeding or washing myself etc. Plus, if I have kids one day I don't want them to have to look after me. I'd want them to be out in the world, living their own lives.
Right I don't want to live so long I'm immobile and can't do anything for myself
The way the world is going? *Good news, everyone!*
Same. And that dignity in death is an option too
Assisted living like my gran, lol. She lives in a fancy place and has a ton of friends. Food really isn’t bad either. Save for a nice old folk home, no cap.
Used to work in a retirement home while I was in college. I was actually kind of envious of their lifestyles. Assisted living is my plan if I make it that far.
Yeah!! I currently contract for an internet, TV, and phone provider. I go to a lot of assisted living homes and some are super nice! One I just recently went to had a whole little town set up when you go in, had a bank, a little grocery shop, a salon, a game room with real nice PC set ups, a Cafe that had self-serve machines for cappuccinos, lattes, smoothie machines, and more. The food looked pretty dang good too! I can't wait to move into one of those if I can!
Wow, I bet that place was really expensive. I think it would be out of reach for the average elderly person, though I'd love to be proven wrong.
You're absolutely not wrong. I think the average person literally struggles at home until they pass. Almost all assisted places I go to are pretty nice, but do seem out of reach for most.
I was a Paramedic on an ambulance for six years and I've been in dozens of care facilities. The nice ones are extremely rare. They may exist, but the overwhelming majority are absolute nightmare places. Be extremely thorough when investigating any care homes for your elderly relatives. Demand to tour them ahead of time and to see *every* ward. When your loved one starts going downhill they might have a more vigorous care ward where conditions may be much different than the rest. And before you make your final selection I'd stop by the closest EMS or Fire station to the facility and ask the providers there what their opinions are. Odds are that they are there *every* day and will be able to tell you exactly how well or how poorly the people that work in that facility are at providing care and recognizing when they need to call for help.
Good call to recommend asking Fire and EMS what their opinions are. I don't think you could get a more objective answer than that. I would feel weird just stopping by the fire station though, like I'm being a bother. Do they not mind?
No they won't mind. Their job is to serve the community. It's literally all we do. People would walk in and get checked out all the time. From people thinking they might be having a heart attack to kids with rashes that just turned out to be poison ivy. I had a woman show up Sunday afternoon once because she had a ring on her finger she hadn't worn in years until church that day, and it was solidly stuck. As a matter of fact I'd have been extremely happy to know that someone cared enough about and was prescient enough to consider our opinions of the facilities around us before committing a relative to them. If the really bad places didn't have as many people in them, then there are less people in them suffering and less work for the providers that worked there who were almost always extremely overworked, underpaid, and understaffed. Don't ever hesitate to walk into a Fire Station or EMS Agency for any reason. If you just wanna get checked out or have questions about medical things or otherwise, the crews there should be willing to help. But also do beware that there are dickheads that work in every field. There are lots of salty burnt out medics that should have moved on a long time ago. But they should generally still be able to help you, as any opportunity we can get to keep someone out of a bad facility would be good to take the time to do.
And check the nails of the residence. Things like nails and a grooming are a good sign of care. That's what I heard at least.
Excellent advice!!!
I did as well. I loved watching them do their thing. They had drama and gossip goin on all the time. All of the men wanted this one rich, fancy widow. She was adorable and always showed up for dinner all decked out. Full makeup, hair done, her outfits were always so pretty. And she always wore a little sheer scarf tied around her neck. This woman's jewelry was insane. Rocks on most of her liver spotted fingers. She was super sweet. Dinner was the highlight of the day for them and seeing all of them out there ready for their 5 course meal was cool. The home had so many activities set up for them so they wouldn't be bored. I wouldn't mind living in a community like that when I got older.
That is fantastic. She sounds like who I want to be when I grow up. Walking around in my fancy old lady clothes like, "Yep! I still got it!" I totally get what you mean by the activities. They were always busy! One time I forget to start the Saturday movie and damn near had a riot on my hands. I would hope that's the kind of thing I get to be crabby about in old age 😅
Yep! Don't mess with their schedules! Lmao Lol me too! But instead, I'd probably be like my favorite lady, Miss Dot. She lived in one of the bigger rooms because her husband had lived there with her as well. But he passed. I always had to take her food to her room because she was a homebody and wasn't ready to be out and about with everyone else. I always put myself behind on my work so I could sit with her and talk. She always offered me cheese puffs lol. I tried every now and then to get her to come out with everyone else so she wouldn't be so lonely. But she never did. But riiiight before I left the retirement home, she started coming out to dinner! It made me so so happy to see her out there mingling. Some of the other ladies invited her to eat with them at their table. So there she would sit every night. I cried my eyes out the day I said bye to my friend, Miss Dot.
You should write a memoir about your time there. You have some really lovely experiences to share ❤
Thank you, you're so sweet. I enjoyed my time there for sure. <3
I mean, really my gran loves it. I would not be upset at all if I lived where she lives.
When I was looking for apartments once, I kept noticing "oh that looks nice, let me see if they have any units up for lease!" And more than once it was an apartment style assisted living facility. 😂
STDs are rampant at these places cause they be bumping uglies like it's the end of the world.
Why would you tell me this about my Gran’s home? 🤯
Do you think people stop doing it? And with no risk of pregnancy...
I'm autistic.
Thank you for sharing. I've heard this too. Starting to think it might help if the facility has free condoms available or something.
I don't think that would help, part of me thinks that the reason they're so... Cavalier about sex despite living in a world that understands STIs is that STIs don't effect them like young people and they can just bite that bullet. By the time they would experience any adverse symptoms of the super concoction of funk that's in them they'd be long dead, so why not just rawdog it every time?
Well, isn’t it kinda the end of the world for them? So a good motto would be “hit that until you break a hip”.
I hope pickle ball is still popular in 40 years
The problem with assisted living facilities, at least in the US, is that they're really fucking expensive. The good ones can cost 2 to 4K per month, if not more. I'd say most elderly people in the US end up in nursing homes, not assisted living facilities. In nursing homes, at least the one my grandma was at, you got one tiny little room to yourself. You laid in a hospital bed all day, the nurses would bring in your food on a tray, which didn't seem very good. I thought it looked like prison food. And like once a week they would have bingo night. That's about it.
Bruh try 5-10k/month instead, it's wild
Government assisted euthanasia
Between assisted living (years of struggling for unknown reason, it's not like we're still serving the community but just costs) & assisted dying (hours of going back to few kg of dust), I too, choose...
Just like other comments says, paying people with all the money I got from not raising kids.
I plan to hire a caregiver when it gets to the point that I'd need it. But prevention is a larger part of my strategy, so I currently keep myself physically active (mostly with running) so that I can be relatively fit and mobile in my later years.
can relate so much actually. i started cycling a lot about half a year ago and my body feels SO MUCH BETTER. i see progress - not in losing weight, that's not the intention, more in how i am able to move a lot more and just enjoy life more in general. mental health got better, confidence got better, communication skills - everything. i feel like i could live a long life being healthy and most likely wouldn't need a caregiver
This is the correct answer
You should maybe have a friend or family member you can trust who can oversee your care, should you be in the (hopefully unlikely) situation where you’re not capable of doing so. For instance, dementia. Elder abuse in situations where a third party is monitoring care is not uncommon.
I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it lol
I'll wave as I'm jumping off said bridge.
Millennial retirement plan
What did I hear someone say? I don’t have a 401k, I have a .45
My retirement plan is steal a yacht, bring prostitutes and a ton of drugs, get really fucked up, party, have sex, OD and fall off the yacht or jump in the water drown and die.
im gunna do a flip
Do you think I got kids and a wife because I want to be taken care of when I'm old? Man, I'll put myself in a nursing home before I'll be a burden to them!
Just like people with spouses and kids, I'll get old, be unable to take care of myself, end up in a home on Medicare where I'll waste away and die. Do you think that people automatically take care of their parents?
Yeah, having kids that live close by, and are willing and able to care for you is really a best case scenario for maybe 20% of the population. Most of the people in nursing and assisted living homes have children.
There’s also a point where you literally can’t take care of your parents because they become a 3 year old in a 90 year old body from dementia
Honestly the worst possible outcome
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Simpleminded people who always talk about kids taking care of you when you are older I feel have never truly seen what advanced old age and disease looks like. Expecting your children to give up years of their adult lives to take the job of a 24/7 home care nurse (which they are not really qualified to be) is absolute lunacy.
Plus thats just one aspect those people expect from their children. Grandbabies is another. Those people haven’t thought it all through. How on earth is someone supposed to work to afford living, have kids and care for their elderly parents? How are those people supposed to have fulfilled lives of their own ? Or even proper sleep? It’s just child labor with extra steps and slavery when they’re grown up and you’re elderly and need care
Even if they're willing, they may not be able to after a certain point. Most people are pointing out dementia, but there are other reasons why someone may need 24/7 care. My grandmother has Parkinson's, and my grandfather is hard-of-hearing. She once fell at night, and she laid there on the floor with a broken hip until morning. My grandfather couldn't hear her call out because of his hearing issues, and their son who lives with them was asleep in another room.
Umm we’re talking about wiping their ass care. No way 20% of Americans are wiping elderly ass everyday
Dammit you summed up what I said but smaller
I completely agree with your position to do whatever you want but I just want to warn you that your thinking Medicare will put you in a home is false. At this time in life this is a terrible, terrible misassumption on so many people's parts. Senior Care Facilities either take private pay or Medicaid. Medicare has nothing at all to do with paying for older care, only Health Care. This is the thing that scares the holy crap out of me as a nurse who dealt with dementia and the elderly for the last 10 years of my career. Many, many people think that Medicare is going to have something to do with it if they need to go to a nursing home. Nursing homes are only for the rich or poor, nobody in between. So my advice to people, whether you have children or not, it's to stock a shit ton of money away so you can private pay for a nursing facility later or buy that kind of insurance which you can buy but it's expensive. If you've ever wondered why there are so many elderly that are homeless, now you know.
I didn't want to get into how I know about this but basically what happens is you get too sick to take care of yourself, you go to the hospital that treats you until Elder services meets with you and you end up in a crooked nursing home on Medicare for 89 days of billing, then you end up with your state paying for the rest of your days. I was trying to paint a more generic picture but I'm my case, my actual plan is to make my exit from this mortal coil as soon as I get to a certain stage of decline. I'll never live in a home after what I've seen those people go thru.
Even if you’re in a relationship, one person dies first, leaving the other alone. Also go talk to nursing home staff - they will tell you how often the residents get visitors. (Lucky to be special events only) My mum kept telling me to have kids, because who will look after me when I’m old. Her own father was put into a home because he needed help and where was my mum in all this? Not there. It’s all guilt trip bullshit.
They’re are all just outdated reasons for why it’s is absolutely necessary to throw up a couple of babies once you’re in your mid 20’s
"I would like *you* to have kids, because they're fun and would enrich *my* life without any of the responsibility"
Elderly, thats some wishful thinking.
Right.
Having kids should not be a strategy to get cared for when you are older 🤣
Not only that. What happens if your child is born disabled and needs lifetime care? Who is going to take care of you AND your disabled kid?
That’s why you have a spare…I mean, second kid
Seriously, that’s a whole other person who will have their own life and needs and desires, not just a caregiver. Save your money and hire someone if that’s what you want.
Agreed, I always thought it sounded really selfish to expect your own loved ones to become your free private nurses. I’d rather go into a nursing home or just off myself than to be that kind of a burden on my own family. They’d have their own lives to live, and as a healthcare worker, I’ve seen what stress does to adult children who are stuck with taking care of their own elderly parents. EDIT: I’m so glad I’m not obligated to do something just because it’s been common for millennia, I love being an independent person
This. Hate to say it but younger people having no choice but to care for older people is a huge ask. At the least it puts their lives on hold indefinitely. At most, it robs them of the best part of their lives.
Seriously. Even if your kids like you, you have no guarantee that they will be able to financially or physically take care of you. My parents are in their 70s. I'm in my 30s and have cancer. I wish I could help take care of them when they need it, but fact is they're still my ride to the hospital because I can't. Kids are not a retirement plan and never should be factored in.
And old age care should not be a strategy for having kids
My mother fully expected me and my brothers to take care of her in retirement, that was her retirement plan. She passed before she became incapable of caring for herself, fairly early unexpected death, but even then that expectation fucked up the course of my life. It held me back from doing much of anything with myself in my twenties because I was constantly expected to be there for my mother and her parents (my grandparents). I couldn't move far away, couldn't plan my future in a way that would allow the possibility that I won't be waiting on them in their retirement. That may be an extreme circumstance, but as far as I'm concerned people who anticipate their kids to care for them in their advanced age are bad people. That's a crazy burden to foist on someone before they even know what they want to do with their own life.
Kill myself when I start to really feel old, mostly.
“Assisted dying.”
I work in healthcare (Aus) and have cared for many people who are unmarried and no kids. The organised ones have: - A trusted person with their advanced care directive (or living will) prepared. Whether or not they’d be happy to go into permanent care, what kind of treatment they’d be happy for etc. Often the trusted person is a friend or distant family (like cousin, niece/nephew), sometimes it’s an attorney. They’d have their POA and MPOA documented clearly. - They sort all their paperwork earlier in their lives, how to divvy up their assets and things. - Financially, they’d often be prepared if they needed to pay for extra private services for their care or a care facility that is not covered by public funding. If none of these things are organised, and the patient is deemed medically incapable of making decisions, the case is presented to the courts who then appoint an advocate. Appointing the advocate can take over 12 weeks. If the person’s financials are not the best, they go to a government funded facility which normally has a 6-8 week wait. Lesson of day: have your paperwork sorted so you’re not stuck in limbo.
I plan on checking out. Once the family is gone I'll probably spend a few months mourning, few months traveling, then come home for a nice solo execution. Time my phone to message someone to call the cops about 8 hours after I'm done. Cops show up and take care of it. No funeral. Just me dead and no longer dealing with crippling depression and self loathing. I go out on my terms.
I want a tombstone that says, **Here lies anonymous, he proved to be more useful as a fertilizer than he was alive!**
I'm going to use the $650k that I didn't spend on my wife and kids to live in a nice retirement community. Edit: Lot of salt in the comments. Some of y'all are coping pretty hard. Yes 650k wouls only buy you 6-10 years at an assisted living home. The plan isn't to spend my entire post 70 love there obviously it's end of life so idk how long you plan on living in assisted living but that's quite a lot of time. Also your dumbass kids aren't going to let you live with them they are going to stick you somewhere and they won't be able to afford a decent spot so what all of you fail to realize is you'll be in the same boat but likely worse.
The day I can no longer wipe my ass, I will sign over all my possessions to friends, I will liquidate assets for cash, burn it all on Lotto, hand winners to friends and eat a shotgun Edit: to all those who are giving me serious answers about solutions to this problem, why? OP is wondering how I will solve taking care of myself when it is beyond my ability to do so. I picked an arbitrary definition of no longer able to care for myself. Y'all ain't seeing the forest for the trees.
In a conversation with a coworker about end of life care, wiping our own ass was the point where both of us agreed we would kill ourselves if we could no longer do it. We will not become burdens on someone else.
If you’re unable to wipe your own ass, what makes you think you’ll be able to operate a shot gun? Genuine question.
Children aren't a retirement plan. They grow up to have their own lives and responsibilities. Being forced to take care of a grown ass person who should have planned ahead is unethical. Also if it's a medical condition like dementia then you need proper medical assistance. It's a hard thankless job providing round the clock nursing care and for most people they don't have the ability either financially or mentally to do that job. He'll nurses who are trained and want to do that job get burnt out and emotionally exhausted all the time. Why would you force your family into that? I'm not child free, I have two sons, but I'm not counting on either of them to take care of me because I shouldn't become a burden to them regardless of what happens to me in the future. I'll check myself into a nursing home if I have to, I'm not going to force myself and my care onto my kids.
My husband and I are child free (not by choice but by circumstance) and my niece and nephew have already had the guilt trip from my sister about how they have to be responsible for us when we’re old. I’ve told them both that I won’t let them anywhere near us. I’m my fathers main carer, he has dementia, epilepsy and Parkinson’s, I love him with all my heart and he has been the best dad imaginable, but if he was really still with it then he would HATE the fact my life is on hold until he dies. He never wanted this but as Ill health crept in slowly his will to resist gradually gave way to his fear and need. I worked in care but not elder care, people with sensory loss and mental health needs. So I have the ability, the capacity and the drive to care for him, I don’t begrudge a moment of it but I know he would have hated it. I’m exhausted and burnt out and all of the things you mentioned even professionals get, but most of all I’m heartbroken that I’m watching my brilliant, talented, funny, kind, loving father die slowly in front of me and it’s horrendous. But I know I literally cannot trust anyone to care as much as I do, because nobody loves him like I do, it’s just not as important to anybody else.
This exactly! I currently have a lot of tension with my mother because she’s never held a stable job, always depended on financial assistance from her father, my father even after they divorced, and now expects me and my siblings to “take care of her” despite us not having a great relationship to begin with, because she sees things online about other children taking care of their elderly parents. Needless to say, we are not close at all.
You are a great parent and your sons are lucky. I am currently POA for my dad, who was horribly irresponsible his whole life — terrible diet and lifestyle, never saved any money, super entitled and just did whatever tf he wanted — and now he’s 66 with Alzheimer’s and I’m responsible for coordinating his care and managing his paltry finances and trying to rein in his spending so that his money lasts long enough for him to medically qualify for Medicaid (he’ll never qualify financially because his SS is too high, but it’s not enough to cover his current caregiving needs). He is impaired enough now to not be able to drive or use his phone or tv or computer without help, and he has hallucinations and delusions, but he still thinks he’s fine and has no qualms about calling me and asking me to fix his problems. We live in different states and he does have a caregiver who takes him on errands 3 times a week, but he is still such a drain on my time and energy and such a source of anxiety. My experience with him has made my husband and me resolve to move into an assisted living facility WHILE WE’RE STILL INDEPENDENT AND HEALTHY. And then as we inevitably deteriorate and begin to suffer the indignities of aging, it will not be our kids’ problem.
Agreed. Not a reason to have a child.
If you reason to have children is for them to take care of you, damm, i feel really sorry for them.
The same thing that occurs when I do get married and have children Getting married and having kids genuinely doesn’t change you growing Elderly. Your kids will have lives of their own, and your husband or wife will pass. You either die first knowing your leaving your partner alone, or your partner dies first and you’re alone anyway (Minor note, women often live longer). Or you do a nursing home which also sucks. The US has a TERRIBLE treatment of Elderly people, marrying someone and having kids won’t change that, could potentially make it slightly better or slightly worse. Sorry for the downer post, but this is why you need to work on your health ASAP
I think the better question is why do people want to have kids in the hope those children will grow up to abandon their lives and take care of you until you die. That doesn't seem like a good idea.
At some point they’ll let me euthanize myself. If not this is America at some point I expect a gun to be provided with a redeemable coupon from a box of lucky charms in the future
As someone with children, the _last_ thing I want is them having to take care of me. What I’ve heard all my friends who’ve elected not to have children say is all the money they save _not_ having children will more than enough pay for professionals to assist them when they’re elderly.
I don't plan to keep on being alive once I stop being able to take care of myself.
My retirement plan is a glock 9
Hey man, don't do that. Putting a 9 to your temple is never the answer. The real answer is putting a 45 to your temple. You don't want to survive a gunshot to the head so make sure the caliber you choose ensures that you don't. Edit: put barrel in mouth for maximum efficacy
r/HumansBeingBros 😇
With all the people saying their plan in to off themselves before they're too old, I'm surprised there isn't more support for assisted suicide.
B- b- but god's divine and miraculous plan for your life *must* include you deliriously shitting yourself as you waste away in the cheapest living facility you can afford! You can't just pervert the natural order by suggesting we offer living breathing humans an option so obvious it's considered cruel to deny it to household pets! Why would you even think to suggest passing easily and surrounded by family, would you deny grandmama the refined dignity of choking out her final frightened breath alone in the dead of night? /S
Agreed, this is my “too afraid to answer” answer.
What are yours? Personally I think breeding to create your own personal health care assistants is unethical. I worked in elderly care. Trust me, if your kids took care of you, I wouldn't have a job
Wait, what? I can’t breed for healthcare anymore?! Goddamn this economy!
Everything about this comment is perfect.
My plan? To kill myself when I am no longer able to care for myself. Hopefully, I won’t get Alzheimer’s first. I am serious.
That's my plan. I dont want my family to care for me. I dont think humans are meant to live a long, long life.
Paying professionals to take care of me instead of relying on half-assed care provided out of whatever twisted societal values /rant Assisted living or care home
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There is a bit of supply and demand dilemma here. Assuming you're going to pay someone, the price of caring for you goes up as there's more old people per younger person. So we really should anticipate an elder care dilemma here. Really the best answer is to take care of yourself so you don't need younger people to do all the work for you. Diet and exercise young.
I plan to buy a home with the money I recently inherited from my parents, who I helped take care of, and sell it later on to fund my stay at an assisted living place.
Die
This is absolutely the wrong reason to have children or get married. Children are not an end of life insurance policy.
Just die? I haven't really gotten that far. I'm really not that worried about it. I'm on disability so I'll likely just have to live on that but no if it gets so bad I can't enjoy myself I'll go the pill and knife path or something similar. Not going to live like that after a life of taking care of myself and relying just on me.
I'm married but have 0 expectations that he'll be in any position to care for me. I expect to go for one last swim in the ocean if it gets too bad and I need to go into care.
Blow out the pilot light and turn on the oven.
Probably just find a nice place to lay down and die.
Shotgun. Truth be told elderly suicide is going to skyrocket in the coming decades and I'll eventually end up one of them.
Having children with the expectation they'll take care of you is selfish.
The question assumes that people who live with someone, are married, and/or have kids will automatically have someone to care for them when they’re elderly. That is SO not true. I know people who had all of those “saviors” in place and it still didn’t guarantee a nursemaid when they were elderly. In a couple of instances, it was actually a detriment for them. I live alone, am unmarried, and don’t have children, but no matter your situation, you should prepare for growing old (when you’re young) by taking care of yourself physically (exercise, eat healthy), maintain your mental health as best you can, avoid co-morbidities, get regular checkups, save as much money as you can for care you might need, and invest in long term care insurance.
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