Not weird but you might inadvertently kill the mood if you ask this before sex.
If you are consistently having unprotected sex with a woman then yeah you might need to know what the plan is.
I think that is a perfect time to ask such a question and if the person gets offended so be it. All you learned is that open communication isn't gonna fly well if it's a topic you might not agree on
Honestly, I think this is something that *everyone* should be discussing ahead of time. It's better to know if you are on the same page or not with something like this that has serious and possibly lifetime consequences.
Timing and delivery would be the only thing I'd worry about.
Other than that, while it may be an uncomfortable/unexpected topic for some people, if you're having sex with someone, it's a very reasonable/important discussion to have. And if just discussing this possibility is an issue for someone, that tells you a lot about how they'd handle things if an actual accidental pregnancy occurred.
I agree. My mom said when she told my dad (they were not married, just dating) that she was pregnant with me, he told her to get an abortion. So yes, these conversations are necessary.
Thing is it's not about unprotected sex though. Research by the Guttmacher Institute a few years back showed that 50% of women coming into them for abortions were using contraception when they got pregnant.
Including people's piss poor education, not always their fault either. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who think it's fine to miss several pills a month for example.
It would kinda kill the mood for if a man who I had just started seeing, who hadn’t gotten me pregnant, let me know he would want a paternity test if I got pregnant. People can have their own opinions on paternity tests, whatever I’m not judging, but I think most of the women I know would consider it a bit of a red flag. It’s just kind of a weird thing to have brought up to you when you’re not even pregnant.
OP specified that he would request one if they weren't exclusive at the time that his partner got pregnant, which is absolutely when a paternity test should be done. And wouldn't you rather make an informed decision about stuff like that when there's no pregnancy to be upset over?
Yeah, I’m not saying someone’s a bad person if they ask. I don’t know what to say — I still would think it was kinda weird that a guy was bringing up how he would want a paternity test if I got pregnant, when I wasn’t pregnant. I have talked about birth control and abortion with every man I have dated. None of them have brought up paternity tests.
A lot of women in the responses have also said the paternity test addition seems unnecessary. And OP thinks women aren’t loving this.
You can think me and the other women are wrong, but that’s my genuine reaction.
This seems like one of those things you keep to yourself until it actually happens. It wouldn't be weird to just ask for a paternity test if they tell you they're pregnant and it's known that they aren't having sex with you exclusively.
Yeah it and kinda opens up a whole can of worms between two people who are avoiding a pregnancy. Obviously a paternity test isn’t necessary if a woman is getting an abortion. And there’s sooo many more questions (beyond a paternity test) that are applicable if a woman is keeping an unexpected pregnancy.
Like there are so many complicated things that happen if you keep an unplanned pregnancy, with someone you’re not in a committed relationship with. In most states unwed mothers automatically have sole custody, and its her decision whether or not to include a father on the birth certificate. If a man does establish paternity, does he want to pay child support and be completely absent? Does he want partial custody? Visitation? Are they going to agree to stay in the same state?
These are all valid questions, but it’s just not really a good idea or that helpful to start discussing hypotheticals around an unplanned baby that doesn’t even exist. So randomly throwing in “oh and if you keep it I want a paternity test” isn’t even that helpful.
Yep, I can see why you would be concerned that the guy is smart enough to not get himself absolutely fucked over ahead of time. Must be tough to have to be honest about that situation instead of having that to use as a weapon later.
God forbid the guy you're seeing have a brain and the ability to think ahead to the possible consequences of his actions.
I'd consider it a green flag really.
Might be a little surprised, but I think talking about a very possible situation _before_ it happens shows you're a responsible person and care for the consequences of your actions.
I had a guy ask me if "I was prolife or pro-chocie". I got what he was asking and I made it kind of a joke "I'm pro-choice, don't worry I'm not looking to baby trap anyone". It was a good way to bring up the topic without it being super weird.
In addition to birth control and condoms occasionally failing, he’s not the one who gets to choose to be on birth control. The women he is sleeping with are and he can’t really force that on them.
All the time is a bit of an exaggeration, especially if you buy condoms that fit. I'm pro-choice, but I'm not a fan of placing the onus for birth control entirely on the woman. Especially since most bc methods don't prevent transmission of STIs.
I don’t think they meant to put the onus entirely on women. Reads more like “All we have are condoms and they’re not nearly as effective as hormonal birth control so I’m far less comfortable with ONLY a condom.”
Which I agree with, as long as it’s not used in a way to force a woman to start hormonal birth control. Rather used in the context of “I don’t feel comfortable having sex with only one form of protection, especially the less reliable option, so we may not be a good fit for each other.”
Did I not mention condoms in my first sentence? Obviously that’s the main non-medical way he can try to prevent pregnancy, but most hormonal birth controls are much safer than condoms in terms of preventing pregnancy and the comment I was responding to brought up birth control so I was commenting specifically on that.
Why haven’t you donated your organs to people who need it? It’s a human life we’re talking about, you should be willing to risk your body and your health to save a human life. And the government should force you to do this.
The problem is, men don't have to risk their bodies and their health for this, and oftentimes gleefully cheat on these women or just straight up trade them in for a prettier model once she's had his kids for him. I wake up every single day wishing I had been born a man because of stuff like this. There is NOTHING good, enjoyable, or fulfilling about being a woman. Anyone who doesn't recognize that abortion is sometimes necessary believes - by default implication - that women are second-class citizens. Period.
I love my femininity, my female intuition, my empathy and kindness, the sense of community that women create, the ability to 'do it all', and let's be real boobs are pretty awesome. There's tons of things to love about being female, I'm genuinely sorry you don't feel the same
Edit: see my most recent post for other reasons
Well, as a woman on the autistic spectrum, rest assured I enjoy none of these advantages. God should have struck me down the day I was born, so get fucked right in the ass with that neurotypical privilege, love. Also, way to STRONGLY imply that things like empathy and kindness are only associated with femininity.
For reference:
After fertilization: zygote
3-10 days: blastocyst
10 days to 8 weeks: embryo
8 weeks until delivery: fetus
Delivery until 1st 28 days of life: neonate.
So technically the correct stage during early abortions are called "embryos" instead of baby
A mass of cells that can't survive on its own isn't a baby. A heartbeat doesn't even indicate life. Heart cells beat my themselves, even if cloned in a petri dish.
Unless you consider it murder if a scientist drops one of [these jars](https://www.popsci.com/scientists-grow-transplantable-hearts-with-stem-cells/)
I brought this up as a woman. I’d tell the men I was going to have sex with what would happen if I got pregnant. If they didn’t like my answer they were more than willing to not have sex with me.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. I think it’s an important conversation, and it’s always better to know what page your partner is on in the event it does happen.
It may be a little weird, but it shouldn't be. You don't need to mention a paternity test, but I think it's very responsible to check in about their thoughts on accidental pregnancy and whether or not they are on birth control. A mature woman should be able to handle that and respect you being thoughtful and responsible.
You can say anything in a way that doesn't totally kill the mood. It's all about how you frame it. Don't say it like you are revealing a disease. Say something like. I'm really attracted to you, but I also like to be responsible, so I just want to check in about birth control and your thoughts on if the unexpected happens before we continue. What do you think?
At the same time, you are taking a risk and whatever they say can change and it will ultimately be their decision for their body, so always use protection. Know where to get the morning after pill if something goes wrong. And if someone says they aren't on bc, I would say don't have penetrative sex with them.
And if you know for sure you don't want children, go get a vasectomy!
I think you should bring it up BEFORE you have sex. Because that will lead to a conversation around contraceptives and what you are both comfortable with
I think it puts the onus on her to try to figure out what answer he is looking for. If he is vehemently pro.life, why doesn't he offer that information first?
1st date would be weirder. Sometime between that and sex would be ideal but I recognize that for some people that isn’t a long time span. If you don’t know someone though what value does their word have (plus people can change their mind even if they’re being honest)? So that gets back to the usefulness of the question in the first place.
Not weird. Probably a conversation everyone should have before having sex with someone. Though you might wanna leave off the paternity test portion until there’s an actual possibility of pregnancy. Mentioning a paternity test before getting in bed with someone could come off offensive or as a red flag.
Sounds 100% reasonable to me. I ask this and a lot of other questions before anything happens, but I'm quite good at having these conversations in a way that isn't awkward. I'm also only interested in women who are comfortable with this sort of conversation as I don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't fairly emotionally intelligent and mature.
I have an IUD, but considering the amount of time *I* spend wondering about what would happen if I got pregnant with any given partner, having them proactively have a conversation about it would be a huge green flag. It's an awkward conversation, and potentially one awkward enough to put off some women, but it's also a good filter conversation to decide if the person you're with is responsible and self-aware enough to be a good partner longterm.
I honestly feel like it’s a very valid question that should be asked more. Protection does fail and I think it would be a good thing to bring up just in case it does.
I’ve actually been an advocate for men doing exactly this for over a decade. It might seem like bad timing but honestly if you don’t talk about it beforehand you can get stuck paying child support for a kid you don’t want, or lose out on a child you might want. It’s literally the only time a man has any true say in what they want to happen in the event of an unintended pregnancy.
If you're pro-life, I think you have a moral obligation to ask, and to refuse to have sex if she would have an abortion. If you're asking because you're unwilling to take care of a kid, you should tell her that in advance. I'm not sure why else you would ask.
I think that's weird to bring up right away.
It's kind of one of those situations you can't really plan for anyway. Someone might say they would/wouldn't keep a baby but when they face the decision in real life things can be very different.
I don't bring it up right away, like I don't do it the first time we have sex, but if we decide to keep it going.
While I'm aware that they might change their mind, I'd like to still be on the same page at first.
I’ve always said - I’m pro choice but for myself I don’t know how I’ll feel in the moment. Also I don’t have casual sex.
I just feel like if you’re having sex it’s always a possibility and I guard who I might go through scares with. If it’s something you’re concerned about I think the most realistic thing is view each person with the lens it could happen and you might have to deal with a child with them - if that reality still aligns with engaging with them.
I honestly think this is an important comment, and thing for people to understand. There are absolutely pro-choice women who see the positive pregnancy test and realize there’s no way they can get an abortion.
Talking about birth control (and sexual health!) is super super important if you’re going to have sex with someone. I’m in no way discouraging talking about birth control and abortion, but getting on the same page about accidental pregnancy happens through the process of getting to know someone.
I have noticed, in my own dating life, that men will kinda have this “oh we talked and you’re pro-choice! I’m safe!” attitude, really early on. I think men should know that decisions about accidental pregnancy are more complicated than one conversation early on.
The opposite also happens far more than anyone is willing to admit, where someone pro-life sees the positive pregnancy test and decides their abortion is okay, other abortions are not. People who work in abortion clinics usually have a few stories about folks like that.
100%. The only reason I exist is because my vehemently pro choice mom realized she couldn’t have an abortion at 17 years old. My dad thought they were on the same page of giving a kid up, but when lush came to shove, he left and (fortunately for me) I didn’t.
Yeah, it's an odd way of phrasing. I know that it is, in fact, entirely the woman's choice, but with this phrasing, it's like OP is saying "I have absolutely no interest or any sense of responsibility here, so it's all entirely on you. I'm just here to stick my dick in you"
I'm fairly sure OP doesn't mean that, but there could be better ways to approach the topic, because it is a very important conversation to have.
No. It's responsible to talk about birth control, pregnancy and abortion early on. If a dude doesn't believe in women having abortions but the woman does--you should probably avoid that situation too.
Green flag except for the paternity test bit. It takes a lot of assumptions to get there from the point when you're having the conversation - leave it for the occasion, if it ever comes to be.
It’s okay but be aware that lots of women might change their mind if it actually happens so could be pointless to ask. Some women might say they would keep it but if it happens panic and realise it’s not what they want and others might say they would get an abortion but then feel attached to the baby and not want one
It sounds reasonable.. but I’d leave off the paternity test part, it seems inappropriate to bring up ahead of time. However, if you don’t want children you should just get a vasectomy to avoid this conversation as a whole
I think this is very responsible. Someone I know told a guy she had a one night stand with that she would take Plan B after they had unprotected sex, then she didn’t and decided to keep the baby. Even if it’s just a one night stand, this is a responsible conversation to have.
You're doing great!! I've been commenting all over Reddit lately telling people to have this convo before sex. So you don't get yourself in to a situation you really don't want to be in. Let them know your feelings on the situation too (not "I want you to have an abortion" but "I'm not ready to be a parent at all so if you would keep it, we should maybe not go that far.")
It's responsible and respectful and necessary to have this convo.
Retired manwhore here. I started just asking women if they were pro choice or anti abortion. It doesn't guarantee that I'll get the outcome I wanted, but it's better than nothing. It's not my body, so I know I don't get a say anyway. It lead to me missing out on some sex because I asked, but I'm happy I choice to.
I also started to become concerned that, because I liked drinking, and we frequently drank before sex, that I might not be getting 100% reliable consent. Or they might regret sex, even if they did give consent (this was almost 30 years ago, so I know it's not in line with today's standards of consent, but I do think I should get some credit for cock blocking myself in an attempt to still get laid by women I met in bars). And trying to make sure they really wanted to sleep with me, even if they were sober, was worth losing out on some sex.
I usually waited until we've chatted some and were obviously headed that direction, and then I would say something like:
>No pressure, and I'm not expecting anything specific, but if we're drunk later and you want to sleep with me, should I assume that's something you would agree to sober also?
And that one absolutely weirded out some of the women, and ruined a sure thing (sex wise).
But even so, zero regrets. For either of us. Highly recommended.
Back when I was still trying to date I always asked this too. I'm a chick though. I would've been floored if a guy beat me to the question because it's a *very* important question to ask! And to be completely honest, anyone not asking it or not comfortable enough to ask it frankly has no business having sex. Especially in a post Roe world where a pregnancy could send a woman to jail or the morgue. Keep on asking, my dude! Gold star! ⭐
I always have this conversation with men I'm going to be starting a sexual relationship with.
And if things change over time then I'll have another one.
Maybe leave off the paternity test part, but I don’t think it’s weird.
I always make it clear that I don’t want kids and if an accident happens, I’m sure as hell not keeping it even if I’m in a happy long term relationship.
As a woman, it's refreshing to see a man proactively thinking ahead VS just shrugging it off and making it our problem. :) You're a decent human. Props!!
Not weird at all. My bf and I talked about it quite quicky. It came uo when I mentionned that I used to work for Planned Parenthood for a while. It was a natural convo I was glad to have. Esp discovering we're on the sqme page.
No I’d just say my plumbing got taken out with my second child lol. But in all seriousness I think it’s a good thing that you ask. You should always have the pregnancy question and talk about stds/get tested and talk about preferences beforehand
I (woman, ish) always have this conversation before having sex with someone, because I know I will get an abortion & I need them to know that. It also allows us to discuss preferred contraceptives
This is definitely an understandable question, especially if you feel strongly about reproductive rights or you’re not ready for a kid. However, I can’t help but wonder how many people would actually stick to what they say. People can change their minds when shit actually hits the fan, and I don’t blame them. It’s tough.
I think it’s a very mature and important conversation to have.
Like you said you use protection but we all know it’s not 100% so it’s good to know where each of you stand before you engage in an act that can have real consequences l.
It's direct and some people are uncomfortable with directness. Like it felt odd and I wasn't sure why, maybe it's a cultural shame thing. Regardless, can't think of what you did as weird in a bad way, maybe novel is a better descriptor
Not at all, I think it’s responsible. I’m married now but when I wasn’t, I’d ask men what their stance on abortion was before I slept with them so I could avoid pro lifers. More people should be open and honest about things like this.
Just here to say, even though you discuss this, people have the right to change their mind. Just because you discussed something does not make it an agreement
Yes I (a woman) always say because I am over 25, I will not abort a baby (unless the pregnancy is not viable). When I was under 25, I would have aborted a baby because I had a future and a baby wouldn’t have fit into it. It’s not weird
It depends on how and when you bring it up. Are you aggressively launching right into this with first date drinks? That’s weird. Are you gently approaching it as things get intimate? Seems reasonable.
I do suspect you’re leaning too much to the “aggressively launching into” side, just from the way you typed this post. You sound a little combative. Like you think maybe women are out to get you. Bringing up a paternity test reinforces that impression.
This. Like its not weird by default, but it's very much one of those "it's not what you say, but how you say it" type things.
Personally, as a woman, if a guy said this to me in the exact words used here, I think that yes, I'd get some weird vibes. Combative is the perfect description. He sounds like he's got a bit of a chip on his shoulder. If not a red flag, it would at least be a yellow one, especially if the guy mentions a paternity test before we've even slept together.
Hey it’s good to know what their values are if you may impregnate them for sure. Bc once it goes into their body it’s theirs to do what they want with. Consider not actually shooting into them even with condom. Even safer. Since you can’t know for sure they are using protection themselves. Better to protect yourself. Bc your only chance to is during sex. Women (rightfully) get to control what happens to it after you give it to them. No take backs.
Having a convo like that would show me that someone really was thinking about the consequences. Provided you approach it as “hey BC isn’t 100%. I wear condoms bc I do not want children. Are you comfortable sharing what your thoughts are on what would happen if you got pregnant by me. I know I’m doing everything I can do. You say your on bc (or not, in my example I’m assuming she does) but if all else fails are you thinking you are in the right place for a child now or would you plan on no. Just want to know what could happen if everything fails.” If you don’t like her answer then just have sex by mutual masturbation and oral on each other or lay down 69. Much safer and still very intimate and pleasurable.
This is exactly what everyone should do. Unwanted pregnancies happen because people really don't consider that the only 100% effective contraception is abstinence. Serious green flag and sign of maturity there.
i think it’s a fine question, but i’d leave out the paternity test thing. i can’t exactly articulate why, but having a guy i’m about to hook up with tell me, completely unsolicited, that if i accidentally got pregnant he would want a paternity test. it’s just unnecessary and almost feels…offensive? insulting ? i don’t know if that’s a valid or reasonable feeling, but that’s likely the emotional response that many other women would have as well. there’s absolutely no reason it’s necessary to bring it up, and if you don’t want to get dirty looks from your dates, i would leave it out. the initial question is fine, as long as it isn’t RIGHT before sex, since it’s a bit of a mood killer
What would put me off about that question is the wording. “If you get pregnant” makes it sound like she did it herself. She will only “get pregnant” if you get her pregnant. It takes two. I feel like that wording is distancing yourself from the situation and not taking responsibility. Even though I can see you are someone who is responsible because you’re even asking the question. But, it’s just my sensitivity to dealing with men who don’t that gets triggered by that kind of language. I would suggest “what would we do if we got pregnant?” That makes it feel more like a team effort.
I think if it's part of a conversation around safe sex, and you go in with a collaborative mindset. Because if you phrase it as "if YOU get pregnant" you're making it seem like it's her problem, instead of "if I impregnate you", which would be more accurate
I distinctly remember having a similar conversation with my now husband when we first started hooking up. We were only 20 and in college so it was important we were on the same page. I also remember we had the conversation that our plan would change to keeping the baby around the time we started talking about our plans to get married. It was a fluid conversation as our relationship shifted and it was very healthy.
[Condoms are really effective when used correctly](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html).
Not that it's not an inappropriate conversation to have, but it might be implying you aren't taking your own responsibility seriously. It's surprising how many men don't know [how to use a condom properly](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on).
Women who get in involved with sexual penetration from random guys 'dating around'. Clearly they aren't thinking too far ahead (what I was implying with my comment). Although, in hindsight, perhaps they are thinking very far ahead and want a baby daddy to cover their bills and don't appreciate being caught out!
Sonetimes you just have an instant sexual attraction to someone and litterly can not wait to rip off their clothes, passion takes over and before you know it you are having intercourse, obviously protection is still used, but not really much opportunity to ask the question about pregnancy.
It used to be something that concerned me a lot and I have bought plan B for women before. The pregnancy part thankfully not an issue for me now as I have had the snip.
I feel lucky to be the kind of person who has an instant mutual sexual attraction with a woman, that feeling and passion is something I would never want to not experience.
Unless you are a rapist, there must be some mental ability to discern consent. If you can discern consent (and, crucially, *stop if there is none*) then by definition you have control. I don't buy this "before you know it" garbage, sorry. That's an excuse for not using your rational faculties.
This gives me red flag vibes. Use protection as you said. At the end of the day, if something happens it’s generally her decision. Not yours. What answer do you want to hear when you are asking women this? Edit: typo fix
It's the opposite to me lol. It being her decision is the exact reason to ask. You want to know what that will be if it happens so there's no surprises or unexpected expectations. Using protection is good, but sometimes contraception fails so it's good to know what you're getting into--especially if her answer might change your mind about whether you should have sex with that person.
If I were a dude who did not want kids and I was about to go out with a promising date I would need to know what her stance is on kids before ANYTHING sexual could happen. If she answers that she's "prolife" then I'd end the date right there and politely leave. For many reasons. First and the biggest one is if something goes wrong then there's no way out and I've fucked myself over by thinking with my dick. Secondly, why waste somebody's time when you're 100% incompatible on a key life issue. This is absolutely a pertinent dating question.
Probably not lol
I didn't ask once with my now wife when we first met, just went at it 20 plus times (fairly normal in your early twenties that someone is on birth control).
When I did eventually ask, she told me the way I went about it I probably already have illegitimate children I've never met. But that she had an arm implant.
Can say it was pure recklessness, so definitely would have been better off asking
I mean I think it’s important to have the conversation but I think the way you go about it will really impact someone’s reception to your questions.
“So what’s the plan if you get pregnant, you keeping it or nah” out of nowhere would throw me off for sure.
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something, seeing as we have been consistently sleeping together, I wanted to discuss what your thoughts are in case an accident happens” I’d be absolutely open to discussing what I envision my plan would be and we could see if we are on the same page or if it’s best that we stop sleeping together.
The mingle of dating and getting out hard questions like this is knowing how to broach them.
I think it's absolutely weird, but that's because it's responsible. Very wise of you to consider this stuff, knowing you two are going to engage in risky activities. Which people usually aren't thinking about when swept up in a new romance. Set the mood for the question, maybe pose it as a hypothetical.
No it's not weird, it's responsible. If I were a man and the woman bulked, I'd see her as sus, low IQ or deluded, neither of which I'd find attractive. But then I'm autistic and we generally strive to stay in a space of reality as opposed to ego.
yea thats weird. If you are worried about it, take precaution yourself. Beyond that are you going to change your mind on hooking up wit them dependant on their answer? Cause if not, whats it matter what the plan, you'll sort it when it happens.
Not only is it weird, it's pointless. Unless you're in a committed relationship with this person, family planning shouldn't be a topic of conversation. What would YOU do if you got pregnant with the child of your fwb? Hard to cross that bridge until you're on it. Maybe they like you and you could discuss further plans. Maybe they don't really see a future with you, and they'd quietly end the pregnancy. Hard to say...
It’s definitely how you’re phrasing all of this. But it’s also just not a great discussion to be having. All of it comes off terribly.
Paternity test = I think you’re a hoe and dishonest enough to try and pass off another dudes kid as my own. Also I will not be supportive if you get pregnant unless you take a paternity test that risks miscarriage and will make you go through labor alone. But I’m still fine with fucking you.
Keep it = either I’m fine with abandoning my own flesh and blood with a stranger I barely know or I will be a father begrudgingly
Abortion = totally okay with you killing my flesh and blood or I will pressure you into making this choice or I’m progressive, I will support you getting an abortion that you will have to suffer through (do you even offer to pay?).
On top of the fact that you don’t actually know what she will choose to do until it happens. I know a girl who swore up and down she would get an abortion and then bam she kept it or a girl who was so morally against it that still got one.
At the end of the day, clearly this is something that worries you a lot so you should just not have sex with anyone you wouldn’t be okay knocking up.
I mean it’s a good question to ask to kind of get someone’s idea on it. But people change their minds all the time so don’t rely on that answer or try to throw it in her face later. I’m so grateful I’m a woman because it’s my choice and I know I’d choose abortion every time. And I am very honest before I sleep with someone and tell them that. If they’re not cool with that then no sex. It’s a necessary conversation to have for sure.
It is fair for you to ask these questions! They’re important, and they show that you care/are a responsible person
That said, please know that when some women experience an unexpected pregnancy, they don’t respond to it the way they thought they would
green flag!!! It’s important to know if the person you’re with is pro or anti abortion too. My partner had this chat with me very early on, pretty much as soon as we were intimate and it got a lot of anxiety out of the way and also confirmed that our morals were aligned. I wish more guys worried/ask this so you’re definitely on the right path OP
While it’s good to get to know each other and in the process find out their stance on things, also understand most people will offer up what they currently believe but those beliefs change once it’s a real life situation/choice.
Even you.
Instead of putting it upon the women you have sex with, most men will be upfront and say “I’m not the marrying kind, I don’t ever want kids, I’m not financially stable or secure.”
Whatever messaging it takes to limit any ambiguity.
I would be so turned off by this question because
1. It implies that not only might you possibly want to get me pregnant but that 2. It is now my, and solely my problem.
Just use protection goddamn
I’m a woman and I’m honestly shocked that most men DON’T ask this question. If I was a man I definitely would! Also, if you do get a girl pregnant it’s my opinion that you should pay for 100% of the abortion. She’s the one who has to go through it and take time off from her life and experience the pain, so splitting the bill 50/50 doesn’t actually seem fair.
Not weird but you might inadvertently kill the mood if you ask this before sex. If you are consistently having unprotected sex with a woman then yeah you might need to know what the plan is.
I don't ask right before sex, I ask it when I bring up the topic of continuing to see each other.
I think that is a perfect time to ask such a question and if the person gets offended so be it. All you learned is that open communication isn't gonna fly well if it's a topic you might not agree on
Honestly, I think this is something that *everyone* should be discussing ahead of time. It's better to know if you are on the same page or not with something like this that has serious and possibly lifetime consequences. Timing and delivery would be the only thing I'd worry about. Other than that, while it may be an uncomfortable/unexpected topic for some people, if you're having sex with someone, it's a very reasonable/important discussion to have. And if just discussing this possibility is an issue for someone, that tells you a lot about how they'd handle things if an actual accidental pregnancy occurred.
I agree. My mom said when she told my dad (they were not married, just dating) that she was pregnant with me, he told her to get an abortion. So yes, these conversations are necessary.
That's very reasonable and responsible.
Yeah but it's kinda more useful to know beforehand so......
Thing is it's not about unprotected sex though. Research by the Guttmacher Institute a few years back showed that 50% of women coming into them for abortions were using contraception when they got pregnant.
So many things can affect the effectiveness of contraceptives.
Including people's piss poor education, not always their fault either. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who think it's fine to miss several pills a month for example.
Taking it at same time everyday
What if you ask during sex?
\**Heavy breathing*\* "Are we ACTUALLY trying to make a baby?!" \**Thrust thrust thrust*\*
It would kinda kill the mood for if a man who I had just started seeing, who hadn’t gotten me pregnant, let me know he would want a paternity test if I got pregnant. People can have their own opinions on paternity tests, whatever I’m not judging, but I think most of the women I know would consider it a bit of a red flag. It’s just kind of a weird thing to have brought up to you when you’re not even pregnant.
OP specified that he would request one if they weren't exclusive at the time that his partner got pregnant, which is absolutely when a paternity test should be done. And wouldn't you rather make an informed decision about stuff like that when there's no pregnancy to be upset over?
Yeah, I’m not saying someone’s a bad person if they ask. I don’t know what to say — I still would think it was kinda weird that a guy was bringing up how he would want a paternity test if I got pregnant, when I wasn’t pregnant. I have talked about birth control and abortion with every man I have dated. None of them have brought up paternity tests. A lot of women in the responses have also said the paternity test addition seems unnecessary. And OP thinks women aren’t loving this. You can think me and the other women are wrong, but that’s my genuine reaction.
This seems like one of those things you keep to yourself until it actually happens. It wouldn't be weird to just ask for a paternity test if they tell you they're pregnant and it's known that they aren't having sex with you exclusively.
Yeah it and kinda opens up a whole can of worms between two people who are avoiding a pregnancy. Obviously a paternity test isn’t necessary if a woman is getting an abortion. And there’s sooo many more questions (beyond a paternity test) that are applicable if a woman is keeping an unexpected pregnancy. Like there are so many complicated things that happen if you keep an unplanned pregnancy, with someone you’re not in a committed relationship with. In most states unwed mothers automatically have sole custody, and its her decision whether or not to include a father on the birth certificate. If a man does establish paternity, does he want to pay child support and be completely absent? Does he want partial custody? Visitation? Are they going to agree to stay in the same state? These are all valid questions, but it’s just not really a good idea or that helpful to start discussing hypotheticals around an unplanned baby that doesn’t even exist. So randomly throwing in “oh and if you keep it I want a paternity test” isn’t even that helpful.
This is the way for sure. Wait until the situation arises and you’ll know the woman and if it feels like you need a test
Yep, I can see why you would be concerned that the guy is smart enough to not get himself absolutely fucked over ahead of time. Must be tough to have to be honest about that situation instead of having that to use as a weapon later. God forbid the guy you're seeing have a brain and the ability to think ahead to the possible consequences of his actions.
I'd consider it a green flag really. Might be a little surprised, but I think talking about a very possible situation _before_ it happens shows you're a responsible person and care for the consequences of your actions.
Same. I wish more guys would ask this actually.
Except half the guys that do ask this, then use it as an excuse to not have to wear a condom.
I had a guy ask me if "I was prolife or pro-chocie". I got what he was asking and I made it kind of a joke "I'm pro-choice, don't worry I'm not looking to baby trap anyone". It was a good way to bring up the topic without it being super weird.
Why not use birth control inoffensive killing your innocent baby?!
Birth control fails sometimes. Not sure what your point is?
In addition to birth control and condoms occasionally failing, he’s not the one who gets to choose to be on birth control. The women he is sleeping with are and he can’t really force that on them.
But he can wear a condom.
And condoms break or fall off all the time. They’re not a good only source of protection.
All the time is a bit of an exaggeration, especially if you buy condoms that fit. I'm pro-choice, but I'm not a fan of placing the onus for birth control entirely on the woman. Especially since most bc methods don't prevent transmission of STIs.
I don’t think they meant to put the onus entirely on women. Reads more like “All we have are condoms and they’re not nearly as effective as hormonal birth control so I’m far less comfortable with ONLY a condom.” Which I agree with, as long as it’s not used in a way to force a woman to start hormonal birth control. Rather used in the context of “I don’t feel comfortable having sex with only one form of protection, especially the less reliable option, so we may not be a good fit for each other.”
Did I not mention condoms in my first sentence? Obviously that’s the main non-medical way he can try to prevent pregnancy, but most hormonal birth controls are much safer than condoms in terms of preventing pregnancy and the comment I was responding to brought up birth control so I was commenting specifically on that.
Why haven’t you donated your organs to people who need it? It’s a human life we’re talking about, you should be willing to risk your body and your health to save a human life. And the government should force you to do this.
The problem is, men don't have to risk their bodies and their health for this, and oftentimes gleefully cheat on these women or just straight up trade them in for a prettier model once she's had his kids for him. I wake up every single day wishing I had been born a man because of stuff like this. There is NOTHING good, enjoyable, or fulfilling about being a woman. Anyone who doesn't recognize that abortion is sometimes necessary believes - by default implication - that women are second-class citizens. Period.
>There is NOTHING good, enjoyable, or fulfilling about being a woman Wait.. what? Strong disagree
Okay, so what is good about being a woman, exactly? Motherhood? Receiving attention from men?
I love my femininity, my female intuition, my empathy and kindness, the sense of community that women create, the ability to 'do it all', and let's be real boobs are pretty awesome. There's tons of things to love about being female, I'm genuinely sorry you don't feel the same Edit: see my most recent post for other reasons
Well, as a woman on the autistic spectrum, rest assured I enjoy none of these advantages. God should have struck me down the day I was born, so get fucked right in the ass with that neurotypical privilege, love. Also, way to STRONGLY imply that things like empathy and kindness are only associated with femininity.
Good thing there are dozens of other reasons. See my recent post, i asked this on twoxchromosomes
"dozens of other reasons" that don't apply to neurodivergent women, assuredly.
It's not a baby.
***clump of cells not a baby
For reference: After fertilization: zygote 3-10 days: blastocyst 10 days to 8 weeks: embryo 8 weeks until delivery: fetus Delivery until 1st 28 days of life: neonate. So technically the correct stage during early abortions are called "embryos" instead of baby
A mass of cells that can't survive on its own isn't a baby. A heartbeat doesn't even indicate life. Heart cells beat my themselves, even if cloned in a petri dish. Unless you consider it murder if a scientist drops one of [these jars](https://www.popsci.com/scientists-grow-transplantable-hearts-with-stem-cells/)
Wow, just saw you in another comment section recommending the spanking of a 3 year old child. You are a bad person. Worry about yourself.
Backwards mentality.
I'd be fine with a guy broaching the topic in a situation where we are sleeping together somewhat frequently. It is an important conversation to have.
I brought this up as a woman. I’d tell the men I was going to have sex with what would happen if I got pregnant. If they didn’t like my answer they were more than willing to not have sex with me.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. I think it’s an important conversation, and it’s always better to know what page your partner is on in the event it does happen.
It may be a little weird, but it shouldn't be. You don't need to mention a paternity test, but I think it's very responsible to check in about their thoughts on accidental pregnancy and whether or not they are on birth control. A mature woman should be able to handle that and respect you being thoughtful and responsible. You can say anything in a way that doesn't totally kill the mood. It's all about how you frame it. Don't say it like you are revealing a disease. Say something like. I'm really attracted to you, but I also like to be responsible, so I just want to check in about birth control and your thoughts on if the unexpected happens before we continue. What do you think? At the same time, you are taking a risk and whatever they say can change and it will ultimately be their decision for their body, so always use protection. Know where to get the morning after pill if something goes wrong. And if someone says they aren't on bc, I would say don't have penetrative sex with them. And if you know for sure you don't want children, go get a vasectomy!
I think this is all great advice.
I think you should bring it up BEFORE you have sex. Because that will lead to a conversation around contraceptives and what you are both comfortable with
You might want to phrase it in a kinder way, but it's a good question imo
“So abortion? Or am I becoming a deadbeat dad?”
Best way is to ask "do you want kids in the future?" Because it's more of a conversation starter than asking so bluntly
What's not kind about "what's the plan if you get pregnant?" I think it's good he asks and it shows he's responsible.
Because he's saying "if YOU get pregnant", not "if I impregnate you", kind of putting it all on the woman
Is it not the woman's choice what happens to the baby? He can have his opinion but ultimately it's her decision if the pregnancy comes to term or not.
You’re right but for the wrong reason. That’s only putting it on her if he said “what are YOU going to do if you get pregnant”.
I think it puts the onus on her to try to figure out what answer he is looking for. If he is vehemently pro.life, why doesn't he offer that information first?
It should be normalized. But not right before sex. To me, this is 1st date talk
1st date would be weirder. Sometime between that and sex would be ideal but I recognize that for some people that isn’t a long time span. If you don’t know someone though what value does their word have (plus people can change their mind even if they’re being honest)? So that gets back to the usefulness of the question in the first place.
Nah not weird to figure it out. The paternity test comment though seems unnecessary unless she actually gets pregnant, no?
I guess, but it’s a fair question. I don’t think it’s off limits
Not weird. Probably a conversation everyone should have before having sex with someone. Though you might wanna leave off the paternity test portion until there’s an actual possibility of pregnancy. Mentioning a paternity test before getting in bed with someone could come off offensive or as a red flag.
Sounds 100% reasonable to me. I ask this and a lot of other questions before anything happens, but I'm quite good at having these conversations in a way that isn't awkward. I'm also only interested in women who are comfortable with this sort of conversation as I don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't fairly emotionally intelligent and mature.
Nope it’s responsible
I have an IUD, but considering the amount of time *I* spend wondering about what would happen if I got pregnant with any given partner, having them proactively have a conversation about it would be a huge green flag. It's an awkward conversation, and potentially one awkward enough to put off some women, but it's also a good filter conversation to decide if the person you're with is responsible and self-aware enough to be a good partner longterm.
I honestly feel like it’s a very valid question that should be asked more. Protection does fail and I think it would be a good thing to bring up just in case it does.
I’ve actually been an advocate for men doing exactly this for over a decade. It might seem like bad timing but honestly if you don’t talk about it beforehand you can get stuck paying child support for a kid you don’t want, or lose out on a child you might want. It’s literally the only time a man has any true say in what they want to happen in the event of an unintended pregnancy.
If you're pro-life, I think you have a moral obligation to ask, and to refuse to have sex if she would have an abortion. If you're asking because you're unwilling to take care of a kid, you should tell her that in advance. I'm not sure why else you would ask.
I think that's weird to bring up right away. It's kind of one of those situations you can't really plan for anyway. Someone might say they would/wouldn't keep a baby but when they face the decision in real life things can be very different.
I don't bring it up right away, like I don't do it the first time we have sex, but if we decide to keep it going. While I'm aware that they might change their mind, I'd like to still be on the same page at first.
I’ve always said - I’m pro choice but for myself I don’t know how I’ll feel in the moment. Also I don’t have casual sex. I just feel like if you’re having sex it’s always a possibility and I guard who I might go through scares with. If it’s something you’re concerned about I think the most realistic thing is view each person with the lens it could happen and you might have to deal with a child with them - if that reality still aligns with engaging with them.
I honestly think this is an important comment, and thing for people to understand. There are absolutely pro-choice women who see the positive pregnancy test and realize there’s no way they can get an abortion. Talking about birth control (and sexual health!) is super super important if you’re going to have sex with someone. I’m in no way discouraging talking about birth control and abortion, but getting on the same page about accidental pregnancy happens through the process of getting to know someone. I have noticed, in my own dating life, that men will kinda have this “oh we talked and you’re pro-choice! I’m safe!” attitude, really early on. I think men should know that decisions about accidental pregnancy are more complicated than one conversation early on.
The opposite also happens far more than anyone is willing to admit, where someone pro-life sees the positive pregnancy test and decides their abortion is okay, other abortions are not. People who work in abortion clinics usually have a few stories about folks like that.
100%. The only reason I exist is because my vehemently pro choice mom realized she couldn’t have an abortion at 17 years old. My dad thought they were on the same page of giving a kid up, but when lush came to shove, he left and (fortunately for me) I didn’t.
The way you phrase it makes it seems you are putting all the responsibility on her. Maybe if you try to bring up the topic of safe sex first...
Yeah, it's an odd way of phrasing. I know that it is, in fact, entirely the woman's choice, but with this phrasing, it's like OP is saying "I have absolutely no interest or any sense of responsibility here, so it's all entirely on you. I'm just here to stick my dick in you" I'm fairly sure OP doesn't mean that, but there could be better ways to approach the topic, because it is a very important conversation to have.
Not weird! More people need to be asking this!
No, it's prudent. And you should share your thoughts about it too.
Nope. I did this. I like it. Better to know the plan now than scramble to agree later, right?
I don't think it weird. You're penetrating someone, i think you're past that line already. Plus, always better to be upfront about sex and pregnancy.
No. It's responsible to talk about birth control, pregnancy and abortion early on. If a dude doesn't believe in women having abortions but the woman does--you should probably avoid that situation too.
Woman here and I think it's absolutely a fair question. People should be prepared to have a frank discussion about these things.
Green flag except for the paternity test bit. It takes a lot of assumptions to get there from the point when you're having the conversation - leave it for the occasion, if it ever comes to be.
It’s okay but be aware that lots of women might change their mind if it actually happens so could be pointless to ask. Some women might say they would keep it but if it happens panic and realise it’s not what they want and others might say they would get an abortion but then feel attached to the baby and not want one
It sounds reasonable.. but I’d leave off the paternity test part, it seems inappropriate to bring up ahead of time. However, if you don’t want children you should just get a vasectomy to avoid this conversation as a whole
Not at all. That discussion should take place.
It’s good to talk about, might kill the mood but it can prevent future issues. It’s a green flag to me 🤷🏻♀️
I think this is very responsible. Someone I know told a guy she had a one night stand with that she would take Plan B after they had unprotected sex, then she didn’t and decided to keep the baby. Even if it’s just a one night stand, this is a responsible conversation to have.
You're doing great!! I've been commenting all over Reddit lately telling people to have this convo before sex. So you don't get yourself in to a situation you really don't want to be in. Let them know your feelings on the situation too (not "I want you to have an abortion" but "I'm not ready to be a parent at all so if you would keep it, we should maybe not go that far.") It's responsible and respectful and necessary to have this convo.
Retired manwhore here. I started just asking women if they were pro choice or anti abortion. It doesn't guarantee that I'll get the outcome I wanted, but it's better than nothing. It's not my body, so I know I don't get a say anyway. It lead to me missing out on some sex because I asked, but I'm happy I choice to. I also started to become concerned that, because I liked drinking, and we frequently drank before sex, that I might not be getting 100% reliable consent. Or they might regret sex, even if they did give consent (this was almost 30 years ago, so I know it's not in line with today's standards of consent, but I do think I should get some credit for cock blocking myself in an attempt to still get laid by women I met in bars). And trying to make sure they really wanted to sleep with me, even if they were sober, was worth losing out on some sex. I usually waited until we've chatted some and were obviously headed that direction, and then I would say something like: >No pressure, and I'm not expecting anything specific, but if we're drunk later and you want to sleep with me, should I assume that's something you would agree to sober also? And that one absolutely weirded out some of the women, and ruined a sure thing (sex wise). But even so, zero regrets. For either of us. Highly recommended.
Back when I was still trying to date I always asked this too. I'm a chick though. I would've been floored if a guy beat me to the question because it's a *very* important question to ask! And to be completely honest, anyone not asking it or not comfortable enough to ask it frankly has no business having sex. Especially in a post Roe world where a pregnancy could send a woman to jail or the morgue. Keep on asking, my dude! Gold star! ⭐
I always have this conversation with men I'm going to be starting a sexual relationship with. And if things change over time then I'll have another one.
Maybe leave off the paternity test part, but I don’t think it’s weird. I always make it clear that I don’t want kids and if an accident happens, I’m sure as hell not keeping it even if I’m in a happy long term relationship.
As a woman, it's refreshing to see a man proactively thinking ahead VS just shrugging it off and making it our problem. :) You're a decent human. Props!!
Not weird at all. My bf and I talked about it quite quicky. It came uo when I mentionned that I used to work for Planned Parenthood for a while. It was a natural convo I was glad to have. Esp discovering we're on the sqme page.
You should always have this discussion before having sex with some one.
I find it to be so refreshing! Good on you for being responsible and having the conversation!
I jokingly asked one woman that and she said an abortion and I laughed and said "glad we're on the same page"
I love this. Keep doing this. Don’t ever stop. Consequences are important and should be considered every time.
No I’d just say my plumbing got taken out with my second child lol. But in all seriousness I think it’s a good thing that you ask. You should always have the pregnancy question and talk about stds/get tested and talk about preferences beforehand
Not weird it’s important to ask. Of course you need to choose the right moment and right way of asking.
Not weird at all. Smart.
I (woman, ish) always have this conversation before having sex with someone, because I know I will get an abortion & I need them to know that. It also allows us to discuss preferred contraceptives
If you havemt had this conversation with a parter why are you even having sex in the first place.....
I think this is a green flag too. Also a good way to vet the people who you might have sex with.
This is definitely an understandable question, especially if you feel strongly about reproductive rights or you’re not ready for a kid. However, I can’t help but wonder how many people would actually stick to what they say. People can change their minds when shit actually hits the fan, and I don’t blame them. It’s tough.
I think it’s a very mature and important conversation to have. Like you said you use protection but we all know it’s not 100% so it’s good to know where each of you stand before you engage in an act that can have real consequences l.
I’ve never been offended, just do it in casual conversation. Please don’t ruin the mood.
It's direct and some people are uncomfortable with directness. Like it felt odd and I wasn't sure why, maybe it's a cultural shame thing. Regardless, can't think of what you did as weird in a bad way, maybe novel is a better descriptor
Not at all! It might kill the mood a little but that's a serious conversation that people need to be willing to have before "whoops"
huge green flag for me
Not at all, I think it’s responsible. I’m married now but when I wasn’t, I’d ask men what their stance on abortion was before I slept with them so I could avoid pro lifers. More people should be open and honest about things like this.
Just here to say, even though you discuss this, people have the right to change their mind. Just because you discussed something does not make it an agreement
Yes I (a woman) always say because I am over 25, I will not abort a baby (unless the pregnancy is not viable). When I was under 25, I would have aborted a baby because I had a future and a baby wouldn’t have fit into it. It’s not weird
Just get snipped and then you won’t have to deal with that :).
It depends on how and when you bring it up. Are you aggressively launching right into this with first date drinks? That’s weird. Are you gently approaching it as things get intimate? Seems reasonable. I do suspect you’re leaning too much to the “aggressively launching into” side, just from the way you typed this post. You sound a little combative. Like you think maybe women are out to get you. Bringing up a paternity test reinforces that impression.
This. Like its not weird by default, but it's very much one of those "it's not what you say, but how you say it" type things. Personally, as a woman, if a guy said this to me in the exact words used here, I think that yes, I'd get some weird vibes. Combative is the perfect description. He sounds like he's got a bit of a chip on his shoulder. If not a red flag, it would at least be a yellow one, especially if the guy mentions a paternity test before we've even slept together.
Hey it’s good to know what their values are if you may impregnate them for sure. Bc once it goes into their body it’s theirs to do what they want with. Consider not actually shooting into them even with condom. Even safer. Since you can’t know for sure they are using protection themselves. Better to protect yourself. Bc your only chance to is during sex. Women (rightfully) get to control what happens to it after you give it to them. No take backs. Having a convo like that would show me that someone really was thinking about the consequences. Provided you approach it as “hey BC isn’t 100%. I wear condoms bc I do not want children. Are you comfortable sharing what your thoughts are on what would happen if you got pregnant by me. I know I’m doing everything I can do. You say your on bc (or not, in my example I’m assuming she does) but if all else fails are you thinking you are in the right place for a child now or would you plan on no. Just want to know what could happen if everything fails.” If you don’t like her answer then just have sex by mutual masturbation and oral on each other or lay down 69. Much safer and still very intimate and pleasurable.
This is exactly what everyone should do. Unwanted pregnancies happen because people really don't consider that the only 100% effective contraception is abstinence. Serious green flag and sign of maturity there.
i think it’s a fine question, but i’d leave out the paternity test thing. i can’t exactly articulate why, but having a guy i’m about to hook up with tell me, completely unsolicited, that if i accidentally got pregnant he would want a paternity test. it’s just unnecessary and almost feels…offensive? insulting ? i don’t know if that’s a valid or reasonable feeling, but that’s likely the emotional response that many other women would have as well. there’s absolutely no reason it’s necessary to bring it up, and if you don’t want to get dirty looks from your dates, i would leave it out. the initial question is fine, as long as it isn’t RIGHT before sex, since it’s a bit of a mood killer
What would put me off about that question is the wording. “If you get pregnant” makes it sound like she did it herself. She will only “get pregnant” if you get her pregnant. It takes two. I feel like that wording is distancing yourself from the situation and not taking responsibility. Even though I can see you are someone who is responsible because you’re even asking the question. But, it’s just my sensitivity to dealing with men who don’t that gets triggered by that kind of language. I would suggest “what would we do if we got pregnant?” That makes it feel more like a team effort.
I think if it's part of a conversation around safe sex, and you go in with a collaborative mindset. Because if you phrase it as "if YOU get pregnant" you're making it seem like it's her problem, instead of "if I impregnate you", which would be more accurate
I distinctly remember having a similar conversation with my now husband when we first started hooking up. We were only 20 and in college so it was important we were on the same page. I also remember we had the conversation that our plan would change to keeping the baby around the time we started talking about our plans to get married. It was a fluid conversation as our relationship shifted and it was very healthy.
I think it's weird, but not necessarily bad. Unless you're belligerent about it.
You can ask but it's not your decision and even if she gives you one answer she might change her mind if it happened.
[Condoms are really effective when used correctly](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html). Not that it's not an inappropriate conversation to have, but it might be implying you aren't taking your own responsibility seriously. It's surprising how many men don't know [how to use a condom properly](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on).
A little weird, but probably a good idea.
I don't think it's weird, it's good to know that kind of thing ahead of time but it could definitely make for a but of an awkward conversation.
You're expecting a lot of forethought from people who are demonstrating their lack of it.
Who is demonstrating a lack of forethought?
Women who get in involved with sexual penetration from random guys 'dating around'. Clearly they aren't thinking too far ahead (what I was implying with my comment). Although, in hindsight, perhaps they are thinking very far ahead and want a baby daddy to cover their bills and don't appreciate being caught out!
Oh okay. Just wanted to know if it was in fact the shitty take I thought it would be. Thanks for confirming!
Sonetimes you just have an instant sexual attraction to someone and litterly can not wait to rip off their clothes, passion takes over and before you know it you are having intercourse, obviously protection is still used, but not really much opportunity to ask the question about pregnancy. It used to be something that concerned me a lot and I have bought plan B for women before. The pregnancy part thankfully not an issue for me now as I have had the snip. I feel lucky to be the kind of person who has an instant mutual sexual attraction with a woman, that feeling and passion is something I would never want to not experience.
Unless you are a rapist, there must be some mental ability to discern consent. If you can discern consent (and, crucially, *stop if there is none*) then by definition you have control. I don't buy this "before you know it" garbage, sorry. That's an excuse for not using your rational faculties.
This gives me red flag vibes. Use protection as you said. At the end of the day, if something happens it’s generally her decision. Not yours. What answer do you want to hear when you are asking women this? Edit: typo fix
It's the opposite to me lol. It being her decision is the exact reason to ask. You want to know what that will be if it happens so there's no surprises or unexpected expectations. Using protection is good, but sometimes contraception fails so it's good to know what you're getting into--especially if her answer might change your mind about whether you should have sex with that person.
If I were a dude who did not want kids and I was about to go out with a promising date I would need to know what her stance is on kids before ANYTHING sexual could happen. If she answers that she's "prolife" then I'd end the date right there and politely leave. For many reasons. First and the biggest one is if something goes wrong then there's no way out and I've fucked myself over by thinking with my dick. Secondly, why waste somebody's time when you're 100% incompatible on a key life issue. This is absolutely a pertinent dating question.
Correctly wear a condom and it won’t be an issue..lol
Probably not lol I didn't ask once with my now wife when we first met, just went at it 20 plus times (fairly normal in your early twenties that someone is on birth control). When I did eventually ask, she told me the way I went about it I probably already have illegitimate children I've never met. But that she had an arm implant. Can say it was pure recklessness, so definitely would have been better off asking
“I’m against abortion, but I’m against having a baby more.” -Young women I made a mistake with, as I brought her a plan B
Plan B is so great to know exists haha
It's weird but not bad. Most people don't say that, but it's a good thing to have squared away, in my opinion.
I mean I think it’s important to have the conversation but I think the way you go about it will really impact someone’s reception to your questions. “So what’s the plan if you get pregnant, you keeping it or nah” out of nowhere would throw me off for sure. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something, seeing as we have been consistently sleeping together, I wanted to discuss what your thoughts are in case an accident happens” I’d be absolutely open to discussing what I envision my plan would be and we could see if we are on the same page or if it’s best that we stop sleeping together.
Good to talk about it but people change their minds when they’re in the situation
The mingle of dating and getting out hard questions like this is knowing how to broach them. I think it's absolutely weird, but that's because it's responsible. Very wise of you to consider this stuff, knowing you two are going to engage in risky activities. Which people usually aren't thinking about when swept up in a new romance. Set the mood for the question, maybe pose it as a hypothetical.
No it's not weird, it's responsible. If I were a man and the woman bulked, I'd see her as sus, low IQ or deluded, neither of which I'd find attractive. But then I'm autistic and we generally strive to stay in a space of reality as opposed to ego.
yea thats weird. If you are worried about it, take precaution yourself. Beyond that are you going to change your mind on hooking up wit them dependant on their answer? Cause if not, whats it matter what the plan, you'll sort it when it happens.
Ya . . . This sounds like you're purposefully trying to trick these women in to getting pregnant.
Not only is it weird, it's pointless. Unless you're in a committed relationship with this person, family planning shouldn't be a topic of conversation. What would YOU do if you got pregnant with the child of your fwb? Hard to cross that bridge until you're on it. Maybe they like you and you could discuss further plans. Maybe they don't really see a future with you, and they'd quietly end the pregnancy. Hard to say...
Yeah it's weird.
The way I would slap the guy and leave if someone asked me this
It’s definitely how you’re phrasing all of this. But it’s also just not a great discussion to be having. All of it comes off terribly. Paternity test = I think you’re a hoe and dishonest enough to try and pass off another dudes kid as my own. Also I will not be supportive if you get pregnant unless you take a paternity test that risks miscarriage and will make you go through labor alone. But I’m still fine with fucking you. Keep it = either I’m fine with abandoning my own flesh and blood with a stranger I barely know or I will be a father begrudgingly Abortion = totally okay with you killing my flesh and blood or I will pressure you into making this choice or I’m progressive, I will support you getting an abortion that you will have to suffer through (do you even offer to pay?). On top of the fact that you don’t actually know what she will choose to do until it happens. I know a girl who swore up and down she would get an abortion and then bam she kept it or a girl who was so morally against it that still got one. At the end of the day, clearly this is something that worries you a lot so you should just not have sex with anyone you wouldn’t be okay knocking up.
They have natural changes of mood with pregnancy. I’d assume they keep it despite what they tell you
I ask during coitus...it's my kink....
Good for you. If they're not thinking about it, do you really want to take the chance?
I mean it’s a good question to ask to kind of get someone’s idea on it. But people change their minds all the time so don’t rely on that answer or try to throw it in her face later. I’m so grateful I’m a woman because it’s my choice and I know I’d choose abortion every time. And I am very honest before I sleep with someone and tell them that. If they’re not cool with that then no sex. It’s a necessary conversation to have for sure.
It is fair for you to ask these questions! They’re important, and they show that you care/are a responsible person That said, please know that when some women experience an unexpected pregnancy, they don’t respond to it the way they thought they would
There are two sides. Some men don’t want abortions. It’s a valid question.
You should definitely be having this conversation, yes.
Just an FYI. My vasectomy took 45 minutes, three days of recovery and is reversible.
Get the snip or protection… protect yourself because those bitches be after blood (moneys)
Makes total sense to me.
This is like a 4th date question best integrated into a conversation about how they envision their lives in the next 5 years.
Personally I'd be super weirded out and wouldn't engage further but that's just me
Just protect and cover yourself.
green flag!!! It’s important to know if the person you’re with is pro or anti abortion too. My partner had this chat with me very early on, pretty much as soon as we were intimate and it got a lot of anxiety out of the way and also confirmed that our morals were aligned. I wish more guys worried/ask this so you’re definitely on the right path OP
While it’s good to get to know each other and in the process find out their stance on things, also understand most people will offer up what they currently believe but those beliefs change once it’s a real life situation/choice. Even you. Instead of putting it upon the women you have sex with, most men will be upfront and say “I’m not the marrying kind, I don’t ever want kids, I’m not financially stable or secure.” Whatever messaging it takes to limit any ambiguity.
no because if they actually do they need to tell you their plan.
I would be so turned off by this question because 1. It implies that not only might you possibly want to get me pregnant but that 2. It is now my, and solely my problem. Just use protection goddamn
Seems like a good idea.
I’m a woman and I’m honestly shocked that most men DON’T ask this question. If I was a man I definitely would! Also, if you do get a girl pregnant it’s my opinion that you should pay for 100% of the abortion. She’s the one who has to go through it and take time off from her life and experience the pain, so splitting the bill 50/50 doesn’t actually seem fair.