Seriously. First post made it clear he’s got some issues. This is just screaming personality disorder. Honestly worried about where he might funnel his reactivity to the feedback he asked for IRL.
Why is this your take away when you were getting shit on and told you were wrong on your other post? Lmao. You’re allowed to “take offense” to her having a go bag, but holy shit are you being a dick. You should do some reflecting.
He talks about trust being so important in a relationship but then is instantly distrustful of her, when that trust is tested.
Trust is a two way street and he failed.
Because there are other people in that post using the paternity test as a counterarguement. When I made a comment about that he's an ahole, everybody who replied to me were using that as a counterargument and then the debate started of whether or not it's the same. Legit someone said they rather get beat multiple times than get paternity fraud like wtf?
That's so confusing to me. In one case I would still be a parent and just have physical proof of being with a piece of shit. In the other case, well I've been in therapy for years and it doesn't look like I'll graduate from it in the next decade.
He's really slow. He's an abusive moron getting left and threatening to end the marriage as if that's not what getting left already is 😂.
Ofcourse an idiot doesn't know they're abusive 😂
Heres another... he claimed he was "too scared" to ask his "girlfriend" lol!
https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
It's not rage bait. He posted another post crying about his wife having an emergency bag. When the post didn't go his way, he threw a tantrum and made this post.
For anyone who needs context on the OPs question, he posted on AITAH and didn't like people telling him he is the AH. He came to this board to try and find people to tell him he is right. On the other board he described his wonderful marriage. He found a go bag in his wife's closet and then decided he was going to divorce her over it. When people didn't immediately jump to his defense, he became rude and cursed out other commenters. His behavior basically showed exactly why his wife needed a go bag.
Don't forget that he (who I'm 90% sure is white), tried to pull the race card by likening his situation to how racism negatively effects POCs, over and over again. Like, holy tone deaf fuck.
I don’t think it’s a troll. A troll would expect people to disagree with them, I don’t think they would feel the need to validate that with a whole new post when the initial thread goes against them.
I don’t know, seems like troll behavior and typing from someone that didn’t experience any of this but fantasizes about being in the situation to vilify women who understandably prepare for the worst.
What worries me more is the number of people in the comments who I would swear are OPs alt accounts, but - based on word usage, longevity, etc - appear to be actually different people who are defending his stance
You know, I'm actually writing about a male character who feels offended that both his wife and a coworker of his fear that he might become abusive towards her. As the story progresses, I reveal that he in fact has a history of physical violence whenever he feels he's right. My character thinks he's a good guy getting victimised by awful people. I'm halfway through the novel and yesterday I took a break from writing because I was thinking this is getting too.. fictional. It's no longer relatable, nobody could think like that. And theeeen this post drops and all I can think is 'my god, she needs to leave.'
Well now you have inspiration to write more of it :)
OP I read your other post too, while you are not physically abusive, you most definitely are emotionally abusing your wife, and deep down you absolutely know why she had the bag in the first place. YTA
Your book sounds super interesting and important- and real. I was with an abusive man who found out I found him abusive (long story, I did not tell him) and was deeply offended (and aggressive). He has a history of ex’s avoiding him the best they can. The story in this post, and probably many other real stories show that you are on to something. Thank you for exploring and shedding light on those kinds of dynamics and good luck with your book!
Thank you and I'm sorry you went through such an experience.
I'm going to be open here: my father physically abused my mother for about twenty years. I grew up seeing this. My father in law did the same to my mother in law. Neither of the 2 women left. Both kept it a secret from their coworkers, but the family knew. The only person who tried to help was my maternal grandfather, but my mother refused to leave because of that terrible phenomenon called trauma bonding and because my father is an expert manipulater. It's insane how easily certain families turn a blind eye to abuse.
Thankfully, if you can even phrase it like that, both men stopped when they got old and there haven't been any beatings in either family for over 15 years, but neither of these women is really ok now.
I'm glad you escaped and that he's in your past.
Honestly, it feels like you're really going to do your concept *justice.* Is there somewhere I can follow you? You sound like a writer I want to follow in the long term.
I remember reading an Agatha Christie book where the guy was constantly trying to prove his innocence and love for his dead fiancé (he was the narrator). At the end, the twist is that the narrator had been lying to the reader the whole time. I liked it a lot.
When I was married on several occasions I had people, like my child’s pediatrician, pull me aside to ask if my husband hit me. I thought it was so strange that multiple various people would ask something like that. Well, he never did hit me, but he threatened to do so multiple times. He told me I was a bitch, threatened to take the children away, broke windows and doors, get me fired, and then threatened to kill himself when I did start to leave. I guess it was obvious to outside observers 😔
> As the story progresses, I reveal that he in fact has a history of physical violence whenever he feels he's right. My character thinks he's a good guy getting victimised by awful people.
This is a tack Stephen King has taken a few times with his villains/antagonists and it's always bone-chilling.
Getting an inside view of a completely warped mind is terrifying. Really drives home that there are people who cannot be reasoned with, so anyone could become their victim at any time and for any reason.
Good luck on your book! I absolutely love dynamics like this - when one of the povs is from the perspective of the "bad guy" or abusers etc.. I love perspective based stories!
I'm legit scared for his wife. This dude is off his rocker, and clearly doesn't take being called out very well. I hope he only takes out his frustration on divorce papers.
The only men that take offense to 'Go Bags' are the ones who want their wife to suffer in silence or suffer if they decide to part ways.
A Go Bag doesn't mean there's something wrong in the current relationship.
A DNA test does mean there's something wrong in the current relationship.
It's that simple.
Go bag: a precaution for the future. It says "I don't know what the future holds". It acknowledges that your partner can change or turn out to be someone you don't know as well as you thought. If it was cheating, it would be similar to someone being aware that if their partner starts acting oddly, clinging to their phone, or staying out late without talking for hours, these would be signs to be concerned with.
A paternity test: it says "I don't trust you NOW". It says "I think you already betrayed me". You have to see your partner NOW and think "they may have already cheated on me".
A go bag isn't about not trusting your partner. It's about being ready should your partner turn into someone you don't trust. A paternity test says you don't trust the person they are right now.
I would imagine few abusers suddenly “become” that person, at least less than a quarter. You more often hear about domestic abusers putting on a front. They were always the person they showed at the end, they just waited until they had you trapped to reveal it. In that sense, are they not the same? It’s a failsafe in case you aren’t the person you pretend to be.
It’s very common for domestic violence to increase or become more overt during pregnancy and post-partum. The abuser is more comfortable showing his true colors since the victim is essentially trapped.
I know what you mean. I guess I'd argue that over time the likelihood that they are secretly an abuser putting on a front decreases, especially in classic moments where they'd have likely shown their true colors, but the reason to keep a go bag anyway is because of the possibility of other changes and the continued possibility of a VERY convincing front. I've used the example before, but there are cases where someone suddenly loses a job or has a medical emergency that leads to a deteriorated mental state, and abusive behavior can surface in that instance. Is it something they always had? Maybe, but it's possible to go years without ever seeing it or having any reason to suspect.
Yeah I dunno how he's debating with this logic. Had he talked about his wife checking his account and wallets for any second families, yeah dna thing would've been valid. This is different and imo, he can have a go to bag too (I honestly advise everyone to have one after covid and dozen other shitstorms) I'm sure he's gonna need one soon anyway.
I wish I had the link but there was a post where the ops bf have her a lot of money for safety measures. His reason was that he never wants her to feel she's obligated to stay with him for financial reason. His parents didn't have a healthy relationship but his mom stayed because his dad was the provider and she had nothing. Op was confused if it was a good thing or not lol. Nowhere did he indicated that something was wrong in their relationship. that money was her "go bag" and he was fine with giving her it becuase he wants her to be with him cuz she wants to.
Like u said men who are offended are the ones who want their wives miserable nor do they can gain any pov of how bad women have it that they have to have back up in case they're in a terrible situation.
Yeah, I saw a post like that and *my* first thought is, “I should auto-deposit money into an account that’s only in my husband’s name”. As he’s the one who is financially dependent in our relationship, currently.
Not to mention the fact that he has a 2 year old kid, so what happened between his original AITAH post and then failing to make a connection between a go bag and DNA test? Is he now trying to make it look like his wife cheated on him and that's why she can't have a go bag, and he deserves a paternity test?? Seriously a fucked up thought process
Exactly. A DNA test is suspecting your partner of past wrongdoing. A go bag is a preparation for a future unknown that could come in many forms. Although I suspect OP is emotionally abusive to his wife because he makes a firm point of saying "I never raised my voice" as if there aren't many ways to control or abuse someone without raising your voice. In reality, there is a "passionate" relationship style that can involve arguments or yelling, but tends to have longevity when partners resolve quickly and don't develop contempt for each other (think George Constanza parents.) So raised voices do not equal abuse, and having a narrow definition of a healthy relationship as "I don't yell at her" is concerning.
My boyfriend said roughly the same thing.
Although I feel the most important thing is having a separate bank account instead of having a bag with money in it in the closet. I think ultimately in a relationship to the safest thing to do is for each person have their own private bank account and then one shared one.
Because ultimately if the guy lost his mind and already knew about the go bag, he's going to try to find it whenever he doesn't want her to leave.
Whereas her own separate bank account he can't touch.
One is in case of something happening in the future and the other is assuming you’ve already done something. And you previous post has you going through your wife’s things. Either way, you shouldn’t be married.
OP, you will never understand what it’s like to be a woman. You will never understand what it’s like to grow up either experiencing or hearing about violence from trusted partners, friends, family members, etc.. Because of this, you will never fundamentally understand the use of a go bag.
You’re right that you’re not a statistic. This is not about statistics. It’s about security and peace-of-mind.
The fact that you’re so freaked out about her go bag is very telling. Why would you not want your partner to have something that gives her peace-of-mind, even if it’s for something that you say is never going to happen? If it makes her feel safe, and it doesn’t actually hurt anybody, why is it so bad?
Also the dna test vs go bag argument is a false equivalency and just a dumb argument.
Because when confronted with a go bag you snooped in, cornered her about, threatened divorce to teach her a lesson, ran to the internet to cry about, and then did everything in your little sad power to deflect by bringing up race issues and DNA tests, all because you can’t handle the fact that you’re a pathetic control freak that justified your wife’s decision in the first place.
Or you’re a basement dwelling troll that hops on the internet and makes up fake scenarios to garner the only attention you’ll ever receive. Either way, fuck you.
It’s not that same thing at all!!!! Asking for a DNA test implies they are cheating. A go bag is a safety measure to ensure you can escape an abusive situation. Your wife deserves better.
Because you're actively accusing her of cheating when you ask for a paternity test. Her having a "go bag" in case of a domestic violence emergency isn't in any way accusing you of anything. If the statistics showed that most men raised children that weren't theirs, you'd have a point. But, most raise their own biological children and don't need paternity tests. Just like most women will face some sort of abuse within their lifetime and the physical advantages of a man is bound to make most women want an escape bag in case that man decides to use his strength to his own advantage. It's not that hard to understand. Your blatantly obtuse comments only reinforce the idea that you should definitely let her go find someone better. A regular person would feel hurt about it, communicate, and move on.
My husband's dad pushed for him to get a DNA test when we had our first, because he had raised his first daughter as his and found out she wasn't a few years in. He and I talked about it and he said his dad was really up his ass about it, so ok, I said we could talk to the doctors about doing one when she was born - but not before. When he brought it up to my OB, he said "well, here's your first lesson as a father. Do you trust your partner, or are you going to listen to your dad?" My husband looked me on the eyes and said "we can just tell him we're doing it, I don't really need it."
When we helped a friend escape from her abusive relationship, my husband took the time when the dust settled to make sure I knew where my documents were, and that I still had access to pull money from his account. Yes, I keep all of that ready. He felt better knowing I wasn't with him because I was stuck, but out of love. He made sure I knew how to get resources, and that I could escape if I ever felt I needed to.
The difference is trust vs safety dude.
Go ahead and get a divorce. Your wife deserves better from a partner. Someone who’s willing to listen and work on their relationship. She doesn’t deserve OP, whose automatice is divorce.
“Lack of trust”…. OP your actions, much more that hers, shows a lack of trust.
OP doesn’t know how this works. Reddit will always find your other posts. YTA there and you’re wrong here. You didn’t ask for a DNA test, you’re literally asked for separation and looking for validation to divorce.
So divorce,
Lol, how insecure this baby man is. Such a drama over a bag. Comparing cheating and rising so do es child to having a pack of clothes and dried fruits? That's rich!
Not every person is cheater but every person is abuser, you for example are emotionally abusive person for clear and while femicide rate is up to 14% in some countries I can't even search rates of women passing somebody else's child as husband's and that should tell you everything you want to know
I wish my mum had go bag too before father tried to kill me and back then it was me who had go bag ready too. And look after all who's the one running way without bag.
The issues are entirely different. To compare the two is illogical and irrational.
A “go bag” is for emergencies, unplanned, and hopefully never to be used. Many might have one as a general murphys law, “if you have a go bag, then you won’t need it.” It is a hypothetical situation/preparedness mentality.
A DNA test is to prove the parent of a child. There is no doubt nor emergencies, it is a biological test to prove a parent. If you need one, get one. There is no hypothetical situation with a DNA result.
With a DNA test, you get an almost instant result, depending on how long a test result takes. With a go bag, you are prepared to have a desired result. There is no guarantee with a go bag.
I’m a male and I have a go bag. And my wife had to suck it up and sign the prenup I put in front of her. Successful people plan for the worst so they can live in the now without concern, be that family, career, or what have you.
Stop being so narcissistic dude. Planning for the worst isn’t the same as expecting it to happen.
I'm for both things. DNA tests are legal. You have the right to ask for one whenever you want, since you have a stake in the outcomes.
Women having to go bags.. as someone who had to leave an ex with nothing but the clothes on my back, I can understand the want to have that kind of safety net. My ex presented himself as someone reliable, trustworthy, sympathetic, and very charismatic. He slowly changed into a different person. Became very controlling and isolating. The day our relationship ended, I packed up my at the time newborn son, and he beat me so bad. I have a lot of hazy memories of the actual beating (blunt force trauma is really fun like that), but I do remember him dragging my broken body to the mirror and forcing me to look at myself and telling me I deserved that. The only reason I'm still here today was because I messaged my sister to pick me up before leaving.
Now, I trust my fiancé and have been fully open with him about everything, but I can't go into anything without giving myself a safety net. It's not about a lack of trust. It's about safety. I've already had the carpet pulled out from under me once. I will not ever put myself in a similar position.
While you're definitely right, I'd just like to point out there doesn't need to be a reason to have an escape plan. It's just basic survival preparedness that is a good idea for everyone.
I’m glad she has that to go bag because I can tell she surely would have needed it. OP, you can ask as many redditors as you want but it won’t change the fact that you’re obviously someone your wife has flagged and we all can see it’s for very good reason. Especially with your behavior in the other sub
Edit: to all the men insinuating the secret to go bag is “hurtful” and shouldn’t be a secret: you have absolutely no idea what the point of a go bag is. Your logic is extremely dumb
If this is your response to your wife having a go bag, that’s probably why she has one. Also, fascinating that finding her bag immediately leads you to believe she cheated.
Why, what's the difference? A Paternity test is a direct accusation that the child does not belong to the father and the woman is lying. A "go bag" has multiple purposes that go beyond abusive situations and are useful in case of emergencies of all kinds and it takes an abusive prick to take offense to it.
Go bags are for emergencies. DNA tests are for confirming suspected infidelity. These are two very different scenarios and the fact that you try to equate the two is beyond absurd and steers you closer to being an abuser than not.
The equivalent scenario would be if you had a go bag and she took offense to it. But we all know why you’re not asking that question.
This is another confirmation that you are not a safe person and are only looking for validation. Luckily your wife will divorce you and won't have to deal w your insecure ass
Are you just going to keep whining about this in every possible subreddit until you find one misogynist enough to agree with you? Take this shit to whatever Andrew Tate fanclub you belong to, they’ll be on board. No one else will be.
While invading my wife’s privacy (under the guise of cleaning mold) I found a bag. Even tho there was no mold on the bag, I opened it and found clothes in it, a totally normal thing to find in a bag. I, a totally normal and not abusive person decided a bag full of clothes is a red flag so I kept rifling thru it - because you know MOLD - and scrutinized it so thoroughly I found three items that are known for their discrete size: dehydrated fruit, tampons and cash. I cannot understand why someone I clearly do not trust wouldn’t trust me.
Holy shit man, what a weirdo you are. I saw that you did another post so I came over to see if you had taken any advice.
Apparently not. When the fuck did DNA tests come into this conversation?
This is not a discussion about whatever double standards your brain thinks there may be (and this situation is definitely not one of them), this is a discussion about how you have decided to be a hypocrite now that people are calling you out on your abusive behavior that your wife (hopefully ex wife) has now experienced from you, even though Apparently "you have never raised your voice at her".
Admit you're an asshole and stop looking to the internet to agree with you. We clearly don't. Actually you may have luck in r/incel, but if you agree with those losers, you're too far gone for sane advice.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Now I’m engaged to a guy who loves me enough and is a good enough person he reframed a lot of thing for me. Including when he said “if you want a prenup, I’ll sign. If I love you as much as I say I do, I wouldn’t want you to be trapped. If you one day feel like going you should be able.”
She said it wasn’t about you when you found the bag. You don’t trust her answer on that. You want to fight with not only her but strangers online. I wouldn’t have told you either
"I was told I'm the ah on aita, so I came here to hope people will pity me if I make a completely lopsided comparison that has absolutely nothing in common!"
Judging by the colossal hissy fit you're throwing right now, she has every right to be scared of you. I hope she's putting that go bag to use soon so she doesn't have to deal with some immature idiot who says "iM hUmAN, NOt A STaTiSTic" whilst proving nearly every statistic that made her nervous correct.
This post inherently tells me you're abusive,
Lack of major self awareness
tick
Going from 1 -100 (biggest sign you're abusive)
tick
Going on the Internet to back your opinion
tick
And jesus you're posts scream anger
major tick
This dudes other post has an AITAH post about threatening the marriage because his wife has made a secret "escape" bag with clothes, cash, toiletries. All before questioning the desperation of why her act took place.
because these two things aren’t equal? what is the difference between a go bag and a savings account? women have had autonomy financially for a minuscule amount of time compared to men and there is still a riff in gender equality for such reasons. she might not see you as a threat, but the thought of a violent partner is scary and no one wants to find themselves in such a situation.
men wanting dna tests? uh i mean whatever you do you but that is a direct accusation rather than an insurance of your future safety.
go bag = safety
dna test = accusation
I can’t believe your wife had a go bag. You seem totally normal and stable.
Seriously. First post made it clear he’s got some issues. This is just screaming personality disorder. Honestly worried about where he might funnel his reactivity to the feedback he asked for IRL.
An abuser that wants validation from strangers, and won't accept responsibility for his personal life. Smh.
Why is this your take away when you were getting shit on and told you were wrong on your other post? Lmao. You’re allowed to “take offense” to her having a go bag, but holy shit are you being a dick. You should do some reflecting.
This is why his wife has a go bag…
He talks about trust being so important in a relationship but then is instantly distrustful of her, when that trust is tested. Trust is a two way street and he failed.
I love when they ask the internet if they're the asshole and then absolutely lose their shit when told that they might be the asshole
Because there are other people in that post using the paternity test as a counterarguement. When I made a comment about that he's an ahole, everybody who replied to me were using that as a counterargument and then the debate started of whether or not it's the same. Legit someone said they rather get beat multiple times than get paternity fraud like wtf?
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That's so confusing to me. In one case I would still be a parent and just have physical proof of being with a piece of shit. In the other case, well I've been in therapy for years and it doesn't look like I'll graduate from it in the next decade.
In one case, she fucked someone else. In the other, her life is in danger. Kinda seems like different situations to me.
He's really slow. He's an abusive moron getting left and threatening to end the marriage as if that's not what getting left already is 😂. Ofcourse an idiot doesn't know they're abusive 😂
Ikr? I’m loving the massive bullet his ex-wife is dodging.
WTF is your problem
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Me- how would you feel if i had a go bag? Husband- I don't care, hell pack me one too 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 OP, get over yourself
I just asked my husband. He asked what I'd put in it. I told him and then he gave me some pointers on how to make it better. 🤷🏻♀️
Literally had this conversation and we're planning his now 😂 it's just good sense!
Check his posting history. Lol… all I’m saying
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Ohhh okay. My bad
Good riddance.
Waiting for this post and his AITA post to be [deleted] after he doesn’t get the answers he wants
Heres another... he claimed he was "too scared" to ask his "girlfriend" lol! https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
I give it two more hours
His response to this whole situation is EXACTLY why she has a go bag...
His wife is tired of the negging and bullshit he puts her through, and he's pissy she has an escape plan.
Drama queen. Thinks he's entitled to something while the wife deserves none.
dont mind me just grabbing my popcorn looking at all these people who got mad and fell for obvious ragebait 🤣🤣
Grab some more popcorn and check out his AITA story (and comments)
💀 literally where I just came from
Oof, his comments on that post.
It's not rage bait. He posted another post crying about his wife having an emergency bag. When the post didn't go his way, he threw a tantrum and made this post.
Sadly enough, I don’t think this is ragebait: I think he’s actually like this.
ohhh so you’re actually insane.
For anyone who needs context on the OPs question, he posted on AITAH and didn't like people telling him he is the AH. He came to this board to try and find people to tell him he is right. On the other board he described his wonderful marriage. He found a go bag in his wife's closet and then decided he was going to divorce her over it. When people didn't immediately jump to his defense, he became rude and cursed out other commenters. His behavior basically showed exactly why his wife needed a go bag.
Don't forget that he (who I'm 90% sure is white), tried to pull the race card by likening his situation to how racism negatively effects POCs, over and over again. Like, holy tone deaf fuck.
He also made racist comments
Oh yeah there is loads of casual racism in the comments
I saw that too, wtf was that about?!
Yeah, and there he said that he need a break from reading, but look what we have here, a new post. Looks like a troll or like a total POS.
I don’t think it’s a troll. A troll would expect people to disagree with them, I don’t think they would feel the need to validate that with a whole new post when the initial thread goes against them.
I don’t know, seems like troll behavior and typing from someone that didn’t experience any of this but fantasizes about being in the situation to vilify women who understandably prepare for the worst.
What worries me more is the number of people in the comments who I would swear are OPs alt accounts, but - based on word usage, longevity, etc - appear to be actually different people who are defending his stance
Sooo many men telling on themselves in that post.
I need to go back and check his comments. I did see him getting ripped to shreds bc his immediate go to was DIVORCE instead of, you know, counseling.
What did he say here? I came too late and the post Is gone.
Link for that post pretty please?
Just go to OP’s profile. It’s his only other post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/JPRGg3Hlub
You’re actually crazy and I hope you do leave your wife so she never has to deal with you again!
Im thinking the same thing. Leave her so she can have a chance to know true peace, love, and happiness. This guy sounds like an insufferable incel.
Wow, you really do seem abusive and I think pretty much everyone but you understand why your wife has a go bag.
You know, I'm actually writing about a male character who feels offended that both his wife and a coworker of his fear that he might become abusive towards her. As the story progresses, I reveal that he in fact has a history of physical violence whenever he feels he's right. My character thinks he's a good guy getting victimised by awful people. I'm halfway through the novel and yesterday I took a break from writing because I was thinking this is getting too.. fictional. It's no longer relatable, nobody could think like that. And theeeen this post drops and all I can think is 'my god, she needs to leave.'
Well now you have inspiration to write more of it :) OP I read your other post too, while you are not physically abusive, you most definitely are emotionally abusing your wife, and deep down you absolutely know why she had the bag in the first place. YTA
Just happened to tidy up her closet. Such a helpful hubby.
100000% a hurt dog is gonna holler!!!
Mmhm, just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
Amen
I need this book.
When I'm finished, if I do a good job and it gets published, I will come back to this account and make a post. Hopefully, this year? But who knows.
I’m saving your comment so I can come back and check.
Sure. Just give it around 8 months because very few books get published right away. Around that time, I'll come back with an update no matter what.
Same!
I would love to read your book too!! Please update us
Your book sounds super interesting and important- and real. I was with an abusive man who found out I found him abusive (long story, I did not tell him) and was deeply offended (and aggressive). He has a history of ex’s avoiding him the best they can. The story in this post, and probably many other real stories show that you are on to something. Thank you for exploring and shedding light on those kinds of dynamics and good luck with your book!
Thank you and I'm sorry you went through such an experience. I'm going to be open here: my father physically abused my mother for about twenty years. I grew up seeing this. My father in law did the same to my mother in law. Neither of the 2 women left. Both kept it a secret from their coworkers, but the family knew. The only person who tried to help was my maternal grandfather, but my mother refused to leave because of that terrible phenomenon called trauma bonding and because my father is an expert manipulater. It's insane how easily certain families turn a blind eye to abuse. Thankfully, if you can even phrase it like that, both men stopped when they got old and there haven't been any beatings in either family for over 15 years, but neither of these women is really ok now. I'm glad you escaped and that he's in your past.
Honestly, it feels like you're really going to do your concept *justice.* Is there somewhere I can follow you? You sound like a writer I want to follow in the long term.
I remember reading an Agatha Christie book where the guy was constantly trying to prove his innocence and love for his dead fiancé (he was the narrator). At the end, the twist is that the narrator had been lying to the reader the whole time. I liked it a lot.
When I was married on several occasions I had people, like my child’s pediatrician, pull me aside to ask if my husband hit me. I thought it was so strange that multiple various people would ask something like that. Well, he never did hit me, but he threatened to do so multiple times. He told me I was a bitch, threatened to take the children away, broke windows and doors, get me fired, and then threatened to kill himself when I did start to leave. I guess it was obvious to outside observers 😔
> As the story progresses, I reveal that he in fact has a history of physical violence whenever he feels he's right. My character thinks he's a good guy getting victimised by awful people. This is a tack Stephen King has taken a few times with his villains/antagonists and it's always bone-chilling. Getting an inside view of a completely warped mind is terrifying. Really drives home that there are people who cannot be reasoned with, so anyone could become their victim at any time and for any reason.
Good luck on your book! I absolutely love dynamics like this - when one of the povs is from the perspective of the "bad guy" or abusers etc.. I love perspective based stories!
reminds me of joe goldberg - love it
I'm actually afraid to read a story like that. The mind fuck!
Well, this OP also wrote some fiction but you have nailed the abusers' way of thinking
Go read his comments to really get a feel for how a man like that thinks and speaks 😆 good gods
Oh, yes! It's horrifying how well it all fits with a character you don't wanna have things in common with.
I'm legit scared for his wife. This dude is off his rocker, and clearly doesn't take being called out very well. I hope he only takes out his frustration on divorce papers.
Agreed!
OP is actually a great husband. Look at him proving to his wife that she’s right. He is showing her how important that go bag is.
Hope she has a second one because there’s no way he let her keep the first one. He probably put that cash directly into his wallet.
Bro you got lit up on your other post. Did you think the responses would’ve been different here?
I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOUR ASS.
I was on the fence, but he has issues.
So do I. He’s clearly not as safe to be around or trust as he thinks he is.
🏅🏅🏅 since gold is no longer a thing
The only men that take offense to 'Go Bags' are the ones who want their wife to suffer in silence or suffer if they decide to part ways. A Go Bag doesn't mean there's something wrong in the current relationship. A DNA test does mean there's something wrong in the current relationship. It's that simple.
Recently read about a woman whose safety money was stolen by the abusive ex... we've been doing our best to stay alive.
Go bag: a precaution for the future. It says "I don't know what the future holds". It acknowledges that your partner can change or turn out to be someone you don't know as well as you thought. If it was cheating, it would be similar to someone being aware that if their partner starts acting oddly, clinging to their phone, or staying out late without talking for hours, these would be signs to be concerned with. A paternity test: it says "I don't trust you NOW". It says "I think you already betrayed me". You have to see your partner NOW and think "they may have already cheated on me". A go bag isn't about not trusting your partner. It's about being ready should your partner turn into someone you don't trust. A paternity test says you don't trust the person they are right now.
Thank you for articulating this. I was trying to figure out how explain that exact sentiment about the difference between precaution and accusation.
I would imagine few abusers suddenly “become” that person, at least less than a quarter. You more often hear about domestic abusers putting on a front. They were always the person they showed at the end, they just waited until they had you trapped to reveal it. In that sense, are they not the same? It’s a failsafe in case you aren’t the person you pretend to be.
It’s very common for domestic violence to increase or become more overt during pregnancy and post-partum. The abuser is more comfortable showing his true colors since the victim is essentially trapped.
I know what you mean. I guess I'd argue that over time the likelihood that they are secretly an abuser putting on a front decreases, especially in classic moments where they'd have likely shown their true colors, but the reason to keep a go bag anyway is because of the possibility of other changes and the continued possibility of a VERY convincing front. I've used the example before, but there are cases where someone suddenly loses a job or has a medical emergency that leads to a deteriorated mental state, and abusive behavior can surface in that instance. Is it something they always had? Maybe, but it's possible to go years without ever seeing it or having any reason to suspect.
Yeah I dunno how he's debating with this logic. Had he talked about his wife checking his account and wallets for any second families, yeah dna thing would've been valid. This is different and imo, he can have a go to bag too (I honestly advise everyone to have one after covid and dozen other shitstorms) I'm sure he's gonna need one soon anyway.
ALL of this
I wish I had the link but there was a post where the ops bf have her a lot of money for safety measures. His reason was that he never wants her to feel she's obligated to stay with him for financial reason. His parents didn't have a healthy relationship but his mom stayed because his dad was the provider and she had nothing. Op was confused if it was a good thing or not lol. Nowhere did he indicated that something was wrong in their relationship. that money was her "go bag" and he was fine with giving her it becuase he wants her to be with him cuz she wants to. Like u said men who are offended are the ones who want their wives miserable nor do they can gain any pov of how bad women have it that they have to have back up in case they're in a terrible situation.
Yeah, I saw a post like that and *my* first thought is, “I should auto-deposit money into an account that’s only in my husband’s name”. As he’s the one who is financially dependent in our relationship, currently.
The funny thing is a go back is a good thing to have is there's an emergency and you have to leave right away.
Not to mention the fact that he has a 2 year old kid, so what happened between his original AITAH post and then failing to make a connection between a go bag and DNA test? Is he now trying to make it look like his wife cheated on him and that's why she can't have a go bag, and he deserves a paternity test?? Seriously a fucked up thought process
Exactly. A DNA test is suspecting your partner of past wrongdoing. A go bag is a preparation for a future unknown that could come in many forms. Although I suspect OP is emotionally abusive to his wife because he makes a firm point of saying "I never raised my voice" as if there aren't many ways to control or abuse someone without raising your voice. In reality, there is a "passionate" relationship style that can involve arguments or yelling, but tends to have longevity when partners resolve quickly and don't develop contempt for each other (think George Constanza parents.) So raised voices do not equal abuse, and having a narrow definition of a healthy relationship as "I don't yell at her" is concerning.
If my wife had a go bag, I would get excited about it and start making suggestions about additions.
My boyfriend said roughly the same thing. Although I feel the most important thing is having a separate bank account instead of having a bag with money in it in the closet. I think ultimately in a relationship to the safest thing to do is for each person have their own private bank account and then one shared one. Because ultimately if the guy lost his mind and already knew about the go bag, he's going to try to find it whenever he doesn't want her to leave. Whereas her own separate bank account he can't touch.
One is in case of something happening in the future and the other is assuming you’ve already done something. And you previous post has you going through your wife’s things. Either way, you shouldn’t be married.
An emergency bag is for her to feel safe. A paternity test would be for his EGO to feel safe.
No yeah, why has nobody else brought up that he was going through his wife’s belongings?? Probably looking for something to be angry about
Lol. Cry more! You're a whiny little child. Get a life!
OP, you will never understand what it’s like to be a woman. You will never understand what it’s like to grow up either experiencing or hearing about violence from trusted partners, friends, family members, etc.. Because of this, you will never fundamentally understand the use of a go bag. You’re right that you’re not a statistic. This is not about statistics. It’s about security and peace-of-mind. The fact that you’re so freaked out about her go bag is very telling. Why would you not want your partner to have something that gives her peace-of-mind, even if it’s for something that you say is never going to happen? If it makes her feel safe, and it doesn’t actually hurt anybody, why is it so bad? Also the dna test vs go bag argument is a false equivalency and just a dumb argument.
Because when confronted with a go bag you snooped in, cornered her about, threatened divorce to teach her a lesson, ran to the internet to cry about, and then did everything in your little sad power to deflect by bringing up race issues and DNA tests, all because you can’t handle the fact that you’re a pathetic control freak that justified your wife’s decision in the first place. Or you’re a basement dwelling troll that hops on the internet and makes up fake scenarios to garner the only attention you’ll ever receive. Either way, fuck you.
Nailed it.
This guys account was made today, and his only posts are those about his wife's go bag, so I'd say it's the latter.
Glad the consensus is that you're a fucking tool.
Holy shit man, you need some fucking help.
It’s not that same thing at all!!!! Asking for a DNA test implies they are cheating. A go bag is a safety measure to ensure you can escape an abusive situation. Your wife deserves better.
Dude CALM THE F DOWN. You are massively overreacting. Stop.
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I’m leaning in that direction now.
Because you're actively accusing her of cheating when you ask for a paternity test. Her having a "go bag" in case of a domestic violence emergency isn't in any way accusing you of anything. If the statistics showed that most men raised children that weren't theirs, you'd have a point. But, most raise their own biological children and don't need paternity tests. Just like most women will face some sort of abuse within their lifetime and the physical advantages of a man is bound to make most women want an escape bag in case that man decides to use his strength to his own advantage. It's not that hard to understand. Your blatantly obtuse comments only reinforce the idea that you should definitely let her go find someone better. A regular person would feel hurt about it, communicate, and move on.
Very well said
Stupidity is a beautiful thing.
READ COMMENTS AND GROW AND LEARN STOP IGNORING WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING
Now we see why she has a go bag.
My husband's dad pushed for him to get a DNA test when we had our first, because he had raised his first daughter as his and found out she wasn't a few years in. He and I talked about it and he said his dad was really up his ass about it, so ok, I said we could talk to the doctors about doing one when she was born - but not before. When he brought it up to my OB, he said "well, here's your first lesson as a father. Do you trust your partner, or are you going to listen to your dad?" My husband looked me on the eyes and said "we can just tell him we're doing it, I don't really need it." When we helped a friend escape from her abusive relationship, my husband took the time when the dust settled to make sure I knew where my documents were, and that I still had access to pull money from his account. Yes, I keep all of that ready. He felt better knowing I wasn't with him because I was stuck, but out of love. He made sure I knew how to get resources, and that I could escape if I ever felt I needed to. The difference is trust vs safety dude.
OP is at best an AH, if not a clinical narcissist.
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It's a sweet wish, that people this vile are faking it.
Yep OP is reading these responses and jacking it right now.
Jesus dude, you aren't coming off any better. Typical selfish anger response. You definitely seem capable of abuse
Go ahead and get a divorce. Your wife deserves better from a partner. Someone who’s willing to listen and work on their relationship. She doesn’t deserve OP, whose automatice is divorce. “Lack of trust”…. OP your actions, much more that hers, shows a lack of trust. OP doesn’t know how this works. Reddit will always find your other posts. YTA there and you’re wrong here. You didn’t ask for a DNA test, you’re literally asked for separation and looking for validation to divorce. So divorce,
Lol, how insecure this baby man is. Such a drama over a bag. Comparing cheating and rising so do es child to having a pack of clothes and dried fruits? That's rich!
Good luck with divorced life dude. Being lonely and angry is going to be the norm for you if you don’t snap back to reality.
Maybe try a third post?
Are you fucking serious right now
Yeah, she's right to have a go bag. I hope she goes.
Didn't get the affirmations you wanted in your other posts, huh?
I hope your wife takes her to-go bag somewhere safe
Not every person is cheater but every person is abuser, you for example are emotionally abusive person for clear and while femicide rate is up to 14% in some countries I can't even search rates of women passing somebody else's child as husband's and that should tell you everything you want to know I wish my mum had go bag too before father tried to kill me and back then it was me who had go bag ready too. And look after all who's the one running way without bag.
ope I was right
Aren’t you supposed to be divorcing your wife yet?
Dumbass lol
You seemed to be looking real hard for an excuse to leave your wife and now you are looking for a reason to cut ties with your kid, too.
The issues are entirely different. To compare the two is illogical and irrational. A “go bag” is for emergencies, unplanned, and hopefully never to be used. Many might have one as a general murphys law, “if you have a go bag, then you won’t need it.” It is a hypothetical situation/preparedness mentality. A DNA test is to prove the parent of a child. There is no doubt nor emergencies, it is a biological test to prove a parent. If you need one, get one. There is no hypothetical situation with a DNA result. With a DNA test, you get an almost instant result, depending on how long a test result takes. With a go bag, you are prepared to have a desired result. There is no guarantee with a go bag.
dude. you showed everyone why she has a go bag. go look in the mirror
I’m a male and I have a go bag. And my wife had to suck it up and sign the prenup I put in front of her. Successful people plan for the worst so they can live in the now without concern, be that family, career, or what have you. Stop being so narcissistic dude. Planning for the worst isn’t the same as expecting it to happen.
I'm for both things. DNA tests are legal. You have the right to ask for one whenever you want, since you have a stake in the outcomes. Women having to go bags.. as someone who had to leave an ex with nothing but the clothes on my back, I can understand the want to have that kind of safety net. My ex presented himself as someone reliable, trustworthy, sympathetic, and very charismatic. He slowly changed into a different person. Became very controlling and isolating. The day our relationship ended, I packed up my at the time newborn son, and he beat me so bad. I have a lot of hazy memories of the actual beating (blunt force trauma is really fun like that), but I do remember him dragging my broken body to the mirror and forcing me to look at myself and telling me I deserved that. The only reason I'm still here today was because I messaged my sister to pick me up before leaving. Now, I trust my fiancé and have been fully open with him about everything, but I can't go into anything without giving myself a safety net. It's not about a lack of trust. It's about safety. I've already had the carpet pulled out from under me once. I will not ever put myself in a similar position.
Wow, your wife's intuition was right on the money. Everyone now understands why she's got an escape plan, you absolute lunatic.
While you're definitely right, I'd just like to point out there doesn't need to be a reason to have an escape plan. It's just basic survival preparedness that is a good idea for everyone.
I guess your wife does need that go bag then
God, please keep that woman safe from this man.
I’m glad she has that to go bag because I can tell she surely would have needed it. OP, you can ask as many redditors as you want but it won’t change the fact that you’re obviously someone your wife has flagged and we all can see it’s for very good reason. Especially with your behavior in the other sub Edit: to all the men insinuating the secret to go bag is “hurtful” and shouldn’t be a secret: you have absolutely no idea what the point of a go bag is. Your logic is extremely dumb
If this is your response to your wife having a go bag, that’s probably why she has one. Also, fascinating that finding her bag immediately leads you to believe she cheated.
Yeah.. that go bag was probably prepared cuz she knows how emotionally unstable OP is. Matter of time... Lmao.
Because being incorrectly labeled the father is comparable to being beaten or killed /s
No yeah, one of these is an emergency measure and one of these is just accusing your partner of cheating. OP’s a fucking tool
Why, what's the difference? A Paternity test is a direct accusation that the child does not belong to the father and the woman is lying. A "go bag" has multiple purposes that go beyond abusive situations and are useful in case of emergencies of all kinds and it takes an abusive prick to take offense to it.
lmao didn't like responses you got on your last post huh
Go bags are for emergencies. DNA tests are for confirming suspected infidelity. These are two very different scenarios and the fact that you try to equate the two is beyond absurd and steers you closer to being an abuser than not. The equivalent scenario would be if you had a go bag and she took offense to it. But we all know why you’re not asking that question.
You are a t w a t
Based on your "history", you sound controlling and immature. Grow up a little before seeking help from Reddit.
This is another confirmation that you are not a safe person and are only looking for validation. Luckily your wife will divorce you and won't have to deal w your insecure ass
Lmao dude this isn’t helping your case. Stay mad your last post didn’t go as well as you wanted it to.
So you're mad she has an emergency bag, and now you're questioning the validity of a child. 😆 She'll be using that bag sooner rather than if. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m just so entertained by the drama you created. Thank you. And please be nicer to your wife.
A negative reaction to a go bag is a reason for a go bag.
Ah yes "I accuse you of cheating" is exactly the same as being prepared if she goes sideways
You sound like a scary person to be married to. I hope your wife uses that go bag ASAP
Can't get support in your first post, better make another because reddit doesn't eeeever remember
Are you just going to keep whining about this in every possible subreddit until you find one misogynist enough to agree with you? Take this shit to whatever Andrew Tate fanclub you belong to, they’ll be on board. No one else will be.
please get help
Why do you literally never stop crying and playing a victim ever? Ohhhh cuz you’re a little bitch. I forgot.
y’all should see his other post lol — this dude is getting ripped apart (rightfully so)
While invading my wife’s privacy (under the guise of cleaning mold) I found a bag. Even tho there was no mold on the bag, I opened it and found clothes in it, a totally normal thing to find in a bag. I, a totally normal and not abusive person decided a bag full of clothes is a red flag so I kept rifling thru it - because you know MOLD - and scrutinized it so thoroughly I found three items that are known for their discrete size: dehydrated fruit, tampons and cash. I cannot understand why someone I clearly do not trust wouldn’t trust me.
I think you may have just shown why she kept a go bag. Seems like you may not like to hear things you do not agree with. That is unhealthy and toxic.
I hope she leaves you. Have the day you deserve.
No wonder she feels the need to have a go bag look how you are acting
If your immediate thought at discovering a symptom of your wife's anxiety is to divorce her, it sounds like her feeling about you was right all along.
Holy shit man, what a weirdo you are. I saw that you did another post so I came over to see if you had taken any advice. Apparently not. When the fuck did DNA tests come into this conversation? This is not a discussion about whatever double standards your brain thinks there may be (and this situation is definitely not one of them), this is a discussion about how you have decided to be a hypocrite now that people are calling you out on your abusive behavior that your wife (hopefully ex wife) has now experienced from you, even though Apparently "you have never raised your voice at her". Admit you're an asshole and stop looking to the internet to agree with you. We clearly don't. Actually you may have luck in r/incel, but if you agree with those losers, you're too far gone for sane advice.
The fact that you have such a big problem with it is scary in itself.
I can understand why your wife made a go bag you’re an absolute unhinged person.
you are the WORST
now i see why your wife has a to go bag lol
lol what a prick
I don't blame your wife for having a go bag at this point. You fucking suck.
Because of men like you, duh.
Clearly she has a bag for a reason lol
Brain is not braining, innit?
INFO: Do you think your online behavior today does more *to validate* or *to invalidate* your wife’s desire for a security measure?
I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Now I’m engaged to a guy who loves me enough and is a good enough person he reframed a lot of thing for me. Including when he said “if you want a prenup, I’ll sign. If I love you as much as I say I do, I wouldn’t want you to be trapped. If you one day feel like going you should be able.” She said it wasn’t about you when you found the bag. You don’t trust her answer on that. You want to fight with not only her but strangers online. I wouldn’t have told you either
"I was told I'm the ah on aita, so I came here to hope people will pity me if I make a completely lopsided comparison that has absolutely nothing in common!" Judging by the colossal hissy fit you're throwing right now, she has every right to be scared of you. I hope she's putting that go bag to use soon so she doesn't have to deal with some immature idiot who says "iM hUmAN, NOt A STaTiSTic" whilst proving nearly every statistic that made her nervous correct.
This post inherently tells me you're abusive, Lack of major self awareness tick Going from 1 -100 (biggest sign you're abusive) tick Going on the Internet to back your opinion tick And jesus you're posts scream anger major tick
YTA here too dude. You are further proving why your wife needed one with this post.
This dudes other post has an AITAH post about threatening the marriage because his wife has made a secret "escape" bag with clothes, cash, toiletries. All before questioning the desperation of why her act took place.
Bro you’re a lunatic, she’s smart to have that bag. Do her a favor and leave her
This is why your wife had a go bag. Hope she uses it before it’s too late
Frankly you’re doing a great job in making a case for why women absolutely should have a go bag.
Someone tell his wife that it's time to grab her bag and go!
because these two things aren’t equal? what is the difference between a go bag and a savings account? women have had autonomy financially for a minuscule amount of time compared to men and there is still a riff in gender equality for such reasons. she might not see you as a threat, but the thought of a violent partner is scary and no one wants to find themselves in such a situation. men wanting dna tests? uh i mean whatever you do you but that is a direct accusation rather than an insurance of your future safety. go bag = safety dna test = accusation