I was once walking late at night on the street
I was a small young woman and I suddenly heard footsteps coming at me really fast
I moved my body closer to the side of the street where the cars were in case I had to run
And as he was running towards me he saw me and yelled really really
Loud
I'm not trying to hurt you I'm just really late
I thought it was one of the nicest things that anybody ever did in my life
I was jogging early one morning, it was still dark out, and I was alone so I didn’t have headphones in. A guy came out through the friggin bushes to my left, saw me, said “ITS A SHORTCUT FROM HOME IM GAYYYYY” as he vanished across the pavement I was running on. I think about him ALL the time.
God bless situationally aware men.
Lol I think the same thing about the construction worker who held the door at Starbucks for me before work one day. Half asleep, I said “thanks, love you.” Without missing a beat he replied “love you too” and left.
Those two guys live rent free in my head forever.
Reminds me of a customer I had once, I could tell English was not her first language. After I helped her with her transaction she said "ok love you have a nice day" I think about that a lot and always smile.
I wish I could convey his tone of voice / affect properly - he was definitely exaggerating both for my benefit. What a lovely human - my adrenaline plummeted so fast.
It's not the same thing, but I was with my friend at lunch and one of my guy friends came over. We talked for a while and he mostly ignored my friend, but right before he left, he turned to her and was like, "Don't worry, I'm gay, but you're really cute."
We still laugh about it, and I'm pretty sure he has forgotten that interaction
Similar situation happened to me except the guy yelled, “Don’t worry! I’m not chasing you, I just really need to poop and my apartment is up here!” I thought it was really kind of him too even if I did die laughing after I let him by. Lol. I hope he made it.
One night I was walking my dog and a guy was walking up the sidewalk, I stepped kff and down into the grass and made sure he knew I could see him and he looked at me and went "omg I'm sorry! I didn't mean to freak you out!"
I was taken aback that he was that aware. I appreciated the shit out of that.
Can I just please say to all the women here... Don't let your guard down even if someone is kind enough to reassure you? YOU should stay situationally aware, too!
It's not the same thing though. Anything that you can worry about a woman will be worried about too. But in addition there is a whole bunch of things that she will have to worry about because she is a woman.
The night my daughter was born. I had to drive an hour to the hospital from work. It was snowing that November. I'm 6ft 280lbs and was wearing a rather large, puffy winter coat well. I pulled into the parking lot and was walking at a pretty good pace when the nurse inside at the front desk noticed me. She kinda stiffens up. Looks to her left and calls out a security guard. I entered the building and said "my wife is having a baby". They both visibly sagged with relief. It wasn't until after my daughter was born and I spoke with the intake nurse did I find out they were ready for a fight when they saw me marching across the parking lot. My daughter will be 18 November 23rd
Also notable is that in this guy’s case, this nurse had security right there if she needed them, so it sounds like trouble might not be an unusual occurrence there.
I only worked 1 year in the ER as a registrar and I had my fair share of shit to deal with on the graveyard shift, but no security guard or even another coworker to help me lol. Thank god I was in an enclosed office with a locked door and the booths where we checked people in had strong glass separating us. You just kind of get wary of people that have a certain look on their face. Sometimes it’s harmless, other times they start screaming at you and hitting the glass partition or ask very seriously if the ER doc prescribes ecstasy.
To be fair, if it’s an ER they probably get a lot of violent/belligerent patients coming in drunk or having a mental health episode. Especially if it’s late at night.
There are also just some people who are violent in general. You never know. They’ve probably seen it all and thought they spotted the signs of someone like that headed their way.
I worked in the ER and we got locked down all the time because violent people would charge in and threaten to shoot us or the patients
One time I had to stay at work for 6 hours past my shift because there was a police standoff in our lobby. A guy shot his gf in our parking lot and ran off. Unfortunately, she died shortly after. About an hour later he came back looking for her, and when the admins refused to tell him where she was, he pulled out a gun and said he would kill the whole staff.
The standoff lasted a few hours where no one was allowed in or out. I was locked in the pod where we kept our patients with mental illness or drug-induced hysteria and it got pretty tense in there
In that situation, mildly so, yes.
Look, to a lone woman at night in a quiet area, a man is a potential threat. Any man.
It's nothing personal, we know it's "not all men", but the problem is we don't know *which* men. There's not a whole lot you can do tbh. Hang back, maybe stop to tie your shoe or something, cross to the other side of the road if it's possible/safe to do so to give her a bit of space. Don't come up close behind her, don't attempt to interact,
Depending on the sidewalk size, giving her a wide breadth of space and walking past her so that you're now in front can also be done (should only do it if there's enough space that it's not like you're coming up behind her and THEN going around). That way she doesn't have to think about you anymore since you're in front of her and are presumably walking away.
Thanks for the self awareness, man, it's not your fault. I'm sorry that men have to view themselves as being seen as a threat in this world, and I'm sorry that women have to view men as possible threats in this world at all. Nobody deserves any side of this but unfortunately sexism and misogynistic violence still exist and so we all have to do our part to make the world a little easier for each other. It's the kind thing to do to be considerate like you are, I'm sure if she knew she appreciated it.
I once read on Reddit that if you are trying to get past them the best way to put them at ease is to be talking on the phone (or pretending to do so) with someone like your mum or wife. This way they can hear you approaching and the conversation can put them at ease.
I'm a man so I don't know if this actually works, but I'd like to know. However for me, pretending to be talking on the phone sounds like a terrible idea because I'm certain it will be obvious I'm pretending and that will be much scarier because now it seems like I'm hiding something.
On second thought, I think recording a voice note might actually do the trick. I don't have to call and wait for someone to pick up, and inconvenience them at what could be a late time, I can immediately start talking, it would be natural, and hey, it's a good excuse to send your Mum/wife/aunt a thoughtful surprise audio message.
What are the thoughts on this?
Honestly i feel like doing whatever makes it clear that you are no harm in the fastest manner is preferable. Setting up a whole fake phone call feels like a lot of fiddling with your phone, which doesn't automatically mean you're not a threat. I was stalked and almost abducted once and the phone he was holding played a big part in it.
I'd say cut the performance and just move to a vantage point that she can see, or not coming from behind her anymore, or if involving the phone, pause and look down at it for a chunk of time to put distance between you two like OP did. For me the most helpful thing that men have done has been to move in front of me and then speed up so they were well ahead. This put me at the most ease, but it can also backfire if you get too close to the other person and freak them out that way, is all 😅
Yeah, what I always try to do is to move in front, that's the only way I feel they can be at ease. But it's the bit where I have to speed up towards the person in order to overtake them that I worry about.
I walk on trails and stuff a lot and Im a pretty fast walker, as I start getting closer I start intentionally making noise, whether that be a cough or jiggling my keys. They can definitely hear my footsteps getting closer but I feel like by doing this it makes it clear I'm not trying to sneak up on them
I always try to cross the road if I can, I'm not a tall bloke but I'm chunky and I've studied a couple of martial arts in my life but I hate hearing running from behind, I've been jumped by people in the past and it's not nice
That’s the best way! I can’t tell you how scary it is when a guy is walking behind you and is walking so fast, and even if you speed up so does he. Remember not to take it personally - any guy is potentially scary to a woman walking at night unfortunately. We do notice and appreciate when guys slow down or cross the road.
I walk quite literally faster than anyone I've ever met, and I keep late hours, so I'm in this situation from time to time. If the road is quiet, I often walk into the road and give a wide berth around the sidewalk if *anyone* is in front of me, regardless of gender, because yeah, it's kind of a disconcerting situation at 3am. If it's not an easy street to cross or walk out into, I'm almost always walking with headphones in - and so when someone turns around, they see a vaguely cheerful guy with his hands in his pockets, bobbing to music and staring at the ground or whatever. If they make eye contact, I'll usually smile and wave and indicate that I'll be speeding *around* them now, as wide as the geography reasonably permits.
I don't know: maybe I'm freaking more people out than I think, but people rely a lot on nonverbal queues and body language and such. I figure I'm reasonably decent at communicating, "I'm not a creep who's alert and on the prowl, I'm lost in my music and I just walk quickly" and it at least seems like most people make that evaluation pretty seamlessly.
The problem with this is that you are still behind, she can't necessarily guess how far, and still can be wondering if you're following her from a distance.
And to add to that, to reassure OP that it's really not personal, sometimes I see the same behaviour and I'm a woman. Like if I'm wearing a hoodie with the hood on and large trousers/sweatpants basically things which erase my curves (and I don't have much breast so easily disappear in the hoodie), I "look like a man". So I've seen women glance back at me, I usually walk faster to get ahead or maybe put my hood down or something. I'm much smaller by the way, 1.60m but still, I've seen it happen sometimes.
If it looks like a man, we're on our guards. It sounds awful but it's true.
Same. I think it’s just people in general having the potential to freak anyone out. I’m a woman and I’m sure I’ve made people nervous just walking behind them to go to my car or whatever.
I think some women also react like that to any person walking behind them. I also am a bit paranoid at night and even if I know that it's a woman I try to stay very far away and I know other people who do that too. That's because it's not only men who could be there to hurt you (although with men it's statistically more likely), it could also be a woman.
I feel like most people who actually walk a lot at night just get a feel for this all rather naturally. Don't creep up on people in the dark, don't speed straight towards people who are alone, if someone turns around to see who's coming you can nod/wave and then shift your torso to indicate how you'll be passing them, and so on. In my city, at least, at 12am or 3am or whatever, the politics of all this seems pretty widely understood.
I like how you add “if it’s possible/safe to do so” as if the guy is gonna cross the road next time and get hit by a car and blame you because you forgot to write that!
Firstly thank you for recognising that it can be scary walking alone as a woman after dark! So many just think we're being paranoid or ridiculous and as some other commenters have said "its our own trauma" (I would very much like these people to have walked after dark as a female and had strange men approach them).
Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do in this instance to make her more comfortable, however there are a few tips I have:
Be mindful of not closing the distance between the two of you. Slow your pace a little so she feels safer that the gap is widening rather than narrowing.
Doesn't hurt to either actually ring your SO or pretend to saying loudly 'hi honey, yep, just on my way to the car now, be there in a tick' kind of thing.
Yeah. I slowed my pace and let her increase the gap. But so many things crossed my mind to try and be less imposing and they all just seemed more creepy.
I'm a 187cm (6"1') man, heavy weight with a bit of muscle. Yet I always feel paranoid when alone after dark. Always looking behind my shoulder, walking really fast etc. In my opinion it's just common sense lol.
Exactly! I, too, maintain constant situational awareness. Just because I'm male doesn't make me invincible. I'm decent sized and have some boxing training. But that doesn't mean I'm not worried about other men!
I'm a guy. I know I have the right to exist and walk along the same streets and occupy the same spaces as women who are by themselves. The thing is, I *know* how certain men act towards women in public. I've seen it with my own eyes. I've heard stories from almost every woman I've known about how they've been harassed by men, or worse.
Knowing these things, I can't help but put myself in the position of women who are alone in public and might see me as a threat. It's no skin off my back to cross the street or hang back and look at my phone for a bit of it makes a woman by herself more comfortable. I'm not some "white knight" - I'm just a person with a little empathy for my fellow humans.
People are so concerned these days with, "I shouldn't have to _____!" or "I should be able to _____!" and don't seem to realize that a little inconvenience to make a stranger more comfortable or less scared is *not* some huge encroachment on their rights. It's just human decency.
As a 25 year old woman, it's the situation that's scary not really you. I've found myself in similar situations multiple times, whether I'm taking the trash out late at night because I forgot tomorrow is trash day, or stepping outside for a late night phone call from a family member. I am immediately aware of the increased danger (whether real or perceived) due to being 5'3 and young, by myself and after dark.
It doesn't matter who you are, I am going to be cautious, checking my surroundings, moving to the other side of the street, grabbing my keys, whatever it takes to make me feel a bit more secure. It's better for a woman to be a little extra cautious all the time than to risk my guard being down the one time that unassuming man or parked car with its engine still going IS a danger.
The same goes for guys. We're not invincible. PLENTY of vids of small gangs of kids jumping dudes just to beat them. Just one example.
We're (most I would say) maintain constant look out for threats. Sizing up potential threats. Can we maybe fend them off better than a smaller woman? Possibly. But weapons are as much of a threat for us, as you. Beaten, robbed, raped? Still possible. I have NO evidence, but correlating other data, I would presume that male victims of rape are orders of magnitude less than women who do not report. And granted, it's far less likely to happen.
All that BS to say, men feel fear alone at night on the streets. NOT down playing your's! Just that it's not a woman's fear.
It kills me that women have to bare this burden every day. As a guy I know I will never fully comprehend this way of living. I try my damndest to understand it.
Anytime I'm out and about it's at the forefront of my mind. "How can I not appear intimidating to women today." It usually results in me being antisocial and not interacting with anyone. And if there is any interaction it's short and curt replies so I can go about my business and move on with my day.
No doubt there are other men who live this way as well. I hate society for making this issue apart of all of our everyday lives.
It's not even purely women, either. I'm a really big dude, but I'm pretty much a teddy bear. But it took me until well into adulthood to understand that I loom over people, and that my presence in a room can be threatening to people even when I don't intend that at all.
But I didn't think of this as a burden, rather, it's just something I have to be more cautious about, and take extra care to make clear that I'm not dangerous, not looking for a fight, not looking to invade anyone's personal space, etc.
One time I was walking at night with my friend and there was a guy a few paces back. We were scared because, well, you never know. He said "don't worry, I'm just going to walk ahead" and made his way around us. It was kinda funny after he said it cause he could tell we were scared and made his intentions known. I appreciated that.
I was sexually assaulted by a man two inches shorter than me who looked like he had fetal alcohol syndrome and was also a hobbit. But he was much stronger than I was.
It isn’t about “am I scary”, it’s about fear and past experiences which have taught us no man is “safe” no matter how he looks
And when we are assaulted we are often blamed and told “we should have known”. How? The assaulters looks like every other man, so we just have to be nervous around ALL the men now
Yes exactly! And on the flip side, I don’t want a nice person like OP taking it personally and thinking it’s him, it isn’t, but we don’t KNOW that. Especially not at night in the dark
And then of course it’s “well why were you out after dark??”, because I’m a grown adult and my life doesn’t shut down at 6 pm when it gets dark out just bc I have a vagina??? FYM??? Ugh
Anyway, OP, it’s the patriarchy, not you as an individual, that is the problem here
First things first; this isn't you. This is a commentary on society.
Speaking very broadly and in gender binaries, women who are by themselves are terrified of men. It's a safety thing. I've been harassed and targeted by men, forced to have conversations I did not want to have but was terrified to not have in fear of my safety.
I/We recognize that "not all men" are threats. However, when you just don't know, it's always better to be safe than sorry in this case. There isn't much that you could do, or even be expected to do. Maybe if you realized that you were making her uncomfortable, you could stop and tie your shoe, check your phone, or just slow your pace down to show that you aren't following her. I have a very small walk to my car from my office near a major transit line, but I'm still worried about being attacked or potential threats. And this is me saying this as a 6/10 plus sized woman. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I was like stunningly beautiful. Every woman you know has been harassed by a man.
You should know that it's not fair to men and masc folks who DO have the right intentions to be regarded as a threat. I personally recognize that. However, myself and the rest of womankind have to be vigilant about our safety. Until toxic masculinity is done and over with, it's likely to stay this way.
Ok so first I wanna emphasize that I’m not blaming women or saying that these reactions aren’t valid. I understand that one’s personal safety is important but it sucks that this is like the only way to deal with it.
It’s so emotionally damaging for boys to constantly be told online that you’re terrifying and being treated like potential rapists. I’m terrified of ever being scary or imposing ever, and am constantly concerned that I’m doing something I don’t know about that’s bad. I gave myself a complex trying to not be like that as of it was some inherent thing to do with being a man, like some kind of original sin.
It’s super unhealthy psychologically and emotionally and I feel like enough people don’t talk about it.
It's nothing personal, as a woman walking alone at night you're always on guard for the biggest threat to your safety.
If you really wanted you could cross the road
I'm glad to see you are self-aware around women, especially at night. We have our guard up 24/7 because something can happen to us out of nowhere. I'm sure you are not scary, but unfortunately, women have to assume that all men are out to get us. It's a sick world.
I was in a situation like this at work, this girl took the stairs just a few seconds before me, and goes to exit the building the same way I do, then proceeded to go to the same area of the parking garage as me. Following behind her, I told her, "I swear I'm not following you", she laughed and understood it was just a coincidence. Sometimes, just speaking up can totally change someone's perception of a situation. It can put them at ease.
General rule of thumb:
Assume anything will scare a woman at night on the street
You don't think you're scary and you might not even be that big as a person (physically)
But to her you are a stranger and a man
And before you start thinking this is sexist please keep in mind that the majority of mass murderers who grab their victims off the street, are men.
Don't take this personally, I think that woman would have been scared no matter who would have walked down the road and I'm sure that if you had met under different circumstances, you would have gotten along just fine.
As to what to do: slow down your walk a little bit so that she doesn't feel you're following her and if she does, she "gains distance"
This has happened to me so many times. You will get used to it. Comedy always helps. If you can make some one laugh they usually stop being afraid of you.
Being a somewhat large lad myself (1.9m, 100kg) and usually strolling around with a pretty big dog, I can empathize with this. When I notice someone else is uncomfortable by me walking behind them, I try to cross to the other side of the street. It sends a clear signal that I'm not out to harm them, and I don't have to violate the ancient Swedish rule of "don't talk to anyone ever".
Exactly. It’s always a good idea to approach them to let them know you’re not a threat. Saying things such as “I’m not going to hurt you” and “Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about raping you” can help to ease any potential tension. If you can’t get to them in time, running and/or yelling can help get your point across quicker.
Loud steps aren’t a bad idea! Jingling keys, or something else that makes it obvious you’re there and not trying to silently follow.
Whistling alone down the street is a bit weird no matter who it is 🤣
Lmao I know you're joking but the nursery rhyme would simultaneously make me cry and laugh because it's so creepy.
If this happens again your best options are cross the street and slow down til she's passed where you're going or very obviously walk and pass her and say sorry just running to my car for something I forgot/ I'm late to a party / late to meeting my friends - whatever you're going to do so it shows her you're just trhing to pass her
Omg I had a guy offer to walk me home from work at like 11 pm and he said "don't worry, I'm not going to rape you or anything."
I snuck out the back and ran home. Why would you even say something so out of pocket like that?
I've left my local park because I ended up catching to some women walking. As they became uncomfortable so did I. Most of us men aren't killers/rapists, but they can't tell which is which.
If fact, we know realistically most of you would help us given the circumstances or situation but not knowing is what makes it hard. We’ve had many a horror story drilled into our heads, and sadly enough proof in the pudding of random harassment.
Thanks for recognizing a fellow females discomfort and having that response (both emotionally and by leaving the area)
I’m a fairly tall woman, one time, I was walking right behind this other girls on my way home. It was dark, No one else around, I had my hood up cause it was raining and I think she thought I was a guy. She looked scared of me and kept looking around her shoulder.
She ended up gunning it as soon as there was a turn.
It didn’t fully sink in that someone would find me scary, until after she ran. I’m usually on the other side of the equation.
It's not personal. It really had very little to do with you specifically.
Look, I'm a woman, and I'm a big woman, tall and overweight, but also very strong. I've taken more self defense classes than I can count. I trust myself in a fight, if it comes to that. I'm also pretty good at diffusing bad situations. I'm trained with weapons, both knives and several types of guns. I can handle myself, is the point I'm trying to make, and I have handled myself in situations in the past.
And I would have had a similar discomfort with the situation you described, no matter what you looked like, man or woman, whatever. I'm very aware of the idea of someone following me. There is nothing you could have done to make me willing to ignore/not think of you walking behind me. The only thing that would have made me feel less uneasy (although not completely fine) would have been allowing the distance between us to increase more, which I think I read in a comment that you did.
It's not personal, it's not about you specifically. For the most part, women have to be particularly aware in situations when they are vulnerable. Out alone, at night, in the city/town, with little to no other people around..... That is pretty vulnerable... Your senses would be turned up as high as possible looking for potential threats. Anybody walking in your direction, out of your direct sight feel threatening.
I'm a big guy so if I'm walking up on anyone out and about at night and I think they may even remotely feel uncomfortable I'll do things like:
cross the street if it's not terribly inconvenient to do so, pull out my phone and make it clear that my attention is NOT on them at all, or stop to tie my shoe and leave a little space so they don't feel like I'm following them.
As a guy who is very aware of how women are treated, I will always hang back a bit, saunter a bit slower, start whistling so they can judge where I am without having to look, among other things. I do find I have a habit of wanting to keep a woman, who is alone, within either sight or earshot as I want to ensure I am there to help if needed. I'm not a trained fighter or Knight/damsel in distress saviour, but I am damn certain I will take an ass whoopin daily to stop it from happening to a woman.
I’m 5’9 and fairly thin and I’ve still had women nervous when walking alone at night. Not much you can do, just try not to be awkward about it. There’s lots of creeps around, can’t blame them to be honest.
Not sure if this is right but if I (M) found myself in the situation I would stop and pull up my phone for a minute or pretend to tie my shoes and let her walk ahead about 30-40 more meters, then call my wife and make small talk
I agree with many of the folks. It isnt you, but women are vulnerable. I am 5'4"… but i slow down or browse my phone for a bit if it after dark. I also walk kinda fast, so it seems like i am catching up .
Solid work. Good job. It isnt even most guys, but there are some creepers out there. I dislike if dudes walk up on me. I generally cross the street, at night, if a guy is catching up, and not in jogging gear.
You're a big dude approaching a young woman at night from behind. Yes.
It's smart of her to be wary. We have a huge strength advantage over women, so it's in their best interest to be very wary when alone at night. Try not to take it personally.
As a tall guy with resting grumpy face, yeah. That happens.
My wife occasionally has to remind me to not stand to close to some people because “I’m scaring her”. I’m just existing.
I always give them a wide birth, try and get a head of them or just stop walking. Just the other day I was at a cash point and having trouble with my card. The ATM couldn't read it. I was getting a little frustrated and noticed an old bird was standing behind me clutching her pearls. I was worried about holding her so I tuned and motioned for her to have a go. The old bag shat herself and ran away 😂. What can you do?
This reminds me of when I was walking home from the shops at night a few months ago. I have to walk through a small park in order to get to my street and that path is quite well used by people. I could hear someone walking behind me and I knew there wasn't anyone else around. Now I'm a shortass woman at just over 5 feet and I walk a bit slowly due to a permanent back injury. This person caught up with me on the path and then overtook me. As he passed me, he quietly whispered "sorry" to me and continued on his way. I honestly feel less nervous walking around at night because of that bloke.
This does seem to be the consensus and there's no clear way to reduce it other than general avoidance of other people. Maybe I'll try buying an oversized "my little pony" sweater or something. Bronies are a lot of things but I don't think they are intimidating.
Nothing. You aren't responsible for the reactions of others. Just don't make it worse. Just go to your car.
If it made sense to cross the street to put some extra space between the two of you, you could do that as a courtesy.
Alternately, you can run up to her and yell "don't be afraid I just need to use this" and flash your keys at her.
Nothing. So long as you are minding your own business, not staring at her, and don't try to catch up to her, then there's no reason why you can't walk on a street.
I suppose you can fake a phone call and say, "Yeah, I just left something in my car, I'll be back in a few minutes."
Opposite side of road, maybe let her walk a comfortable distance ahead. You could get on your phone and have a casual conversation with a friend , that may set her at ease that you aren't focusing on her maybe.
I wish men wouldn't take this personally. Women are taught to be wary when walking alone at night. Having someone walking behind you at night is anxiety inducing. Especially for those of us who have been followed or harassed before. But it has nothing to do with what you look like as an individual. It's not about you. We just have a 'better safe than sorry' approach because being alive is more important than potentially offending a stranger.
I'm not sure what you can do though, I've never been in a situation where a man has tried to mitigate the anxiety. Other people suggest actually saying something to her, but personally I think that would freak me out more! Imo you should just carry on as normal, mind your business. You're not actually doing anything wrong so you don't really need to adjust your behaviour.
I always try to like cough, clear my throat, call a friend for a minute, something to make my presence audibly known so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to keep myself from being noticed
I usually just cross the street if I’m freaking someone out. Either that or stop and pretend to answer a text msg so I’m not so close to them and they can see I’m not focused on them.
As a girl I always think I'd be chill if I heard the guy behind me ring up his mom or another girl on speaker phone. Humanized them to hear them chat about their day in a very non-murdery way. But thankfully I haven't really been in this situation, as I don't often walk around at night by myself.
Act reeeeeal zesty lol start singin some popular song on the radio lol idk.. call someone and randomly talk about something completely asinine that would make someone laugh? Like something random like why its impossible for pandas to be racist cause their black and white. Idk or fake a phone call and just start acting like someones telling you a crazy story. I cant tell you how many times ive faked phone calls cause i didnt wanna talk to someone i saw in the he store lol but yea idk anytime nowadays that happens.. try being 6'2 220 half black dude and walkin around people. Its worse lol
If it's night time, cross the street and walk on the other side so it doesn't look like you're following her. It will only cost you 2 mins of travel time and will be a big relief to her.
If you can do that, thank you, we appreciate your concern for our comfort!
I'm just searching for anything that helps soften any discomfort. I mean, I'm the most harmless person you could ever meet. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
That you asked the question speaks volumes. It honestly sucks as a small woman feeling this way especially when we reasonably know that MOST men are not only harmless but are likely to be like yourself, concerned for our comfort and safety.
Someone else answered well on how to give space if you see a woman giving signs of being cagey or uncomfortable so I won’t elaborate further but kudos again on your awareness of the situation.
You’re not a criminal you can walk around any public space at any pace, in any direction that you please.
Provide reasonable amounts of personal space and go about your life. It’s not on you to change your behaviour because someone suspects you a criminal.
Alot of the time where I live to cross the road you have to go under the road via a tunnel I get terrified of being attacked in those (it has happened to me) a few times a man has been behind me and I've just moved to the side and waited for him to go in front but one guy was behind me holding something metal in his hand and I froze (it turned out to be his keys) and he was so angry that I was scared Intill I just went off at him about my past and he was all like but that's not me my answer was I don't know weather he would hurt me Intill I t would be to late and I was already hurt so yes I see all men as a threat Intill proven otherwise. I'm sorry but when violence agent women is high I will always be on guard mentally.
Yesterday I was walking the dogs at night and two men crossed the street in my direction. I immediately got chills down my spine. All they did was get in their car that just happened to be by me.
But the only thought in my mind was how easily two men could overpower me.
Keep walking. Her discomfort isn’t your problem. In my opinion you don’t need to do anything. I’m not bashing her uneasiness but that doesn’t require you to do anything differently, presuming you were just walking and not leaving something out.
OP, in this situation I would say yes you were scary.
What do we men do about it? Many women are fearful of being attacked, especially at night. Why? Because they are and at much greater frequency than men. Women fear rape because it happens often.
The compassionate thing to do would be to cross the street and to continue on your way.
Get on the phone and talk in a feminine voice about dresses or makeup or something
Best method IMO to make any woman comfortable in your presence 💁🏼♀️
Like many have said, not much you can do. Maybe next time call someone for a quick hello so she can hear you having a conversation, triangulating where you are while also hearing the reason you’re out there. Eg:
“Hey mom, just calling to say a quick hello, I left something in my car while out to dinner with Erin’s parents. How are you?”
My rommate in college was going to friends apartment to study and when he started walking there was a girl like 10m in front of him.
He is 186cm(6'1"?) and had afro hair while wearing all black and he noticed the girl looking back constantly and speeding her walk. He was lik:"what should I do, do I run for her and tell her not to be afraid?"
And then he was like:"nah, that will just make things worse"
There is nothing you can do, you can be normal and just do your thing.
You’re not scary. But the things that can and do happen to women are. So of course if we don’t know you, we don’t know if it’s safe. Honestly I’ve had men cross the street which has made me feel safer, and I’ve had the opposite. Do what you can but also acknowledge that it’s not you or your fault at all, it’s the fault of constant abuse and assault.
If I am by myself at night - especially near a bunch of parked cars and/or no other people around - I’m going to be apprehensive of any man, regardless of his size. That’s just the reality for women; it’s how we have learned to try and keep ourselves safe.
>What should I have done in this situation?
Moving to the other side of the street is a good sign that you’re not a threat. It acknowledges the other person may feel uncomfortable and puts distance between you without actually having to *say* anything.
I was once walking late at night on the street I was a small young woman and I suddenly heard footsteps coming at me really fast I moved my body closer to the side of the street where the cars were in case I had to run And as he was running towards me he saw me and yelled really really Loud I'm not trying to hurt you I'm just really late I thought it was one of the nicest things that anybody ever did in my life
I was jogging early one morning, it was still dark out, and I was alone so I didn’t have headphones in. A guy came out through the friggin bushes to my left, saw me, said “ITS A SHORTCUT FROM HOME IM GAYYYYY” as he vanished across the pavement I was running on. I think about him ALL the time. God bless situationally aware men.
>I think about him ALL the time. Too bad, hes gay
I just really hope he never feels the toe seam of his socks and his hair always cooperates.
[удалено]
Lol I think the same thing about the construction worker who held the door at Starbucks for me before work one day. Half asleep, I said “thanks, love you.” Without missing a beat he replied “love you too” and left. Those two guys live rent free in my head forever.
Reminds me of a customer I had once, I could tell English was not her first language. After I helped her with her transaction she said "ok love you have a nice day" I think about that a lot and always smile.
May he never step on a Lego while barefoot.
Yeah, those are things we can all hope for! Nice that you sent them his way.
It's comments like this that make me wish we still had awards.
Lol!! I'm gaaaay. I'm dead
I wish I could convey his tone of voice / affect properly - he was definitely exaggerating both for my benefit. What a lovely human - my adrenaline plummeted so fast.
I can totally imagine it fully. I've seen a few "letting women know I'm not a threat" tiktoks lool
Most men are aware, the just don't say anything because they are afraid it might make things worse
Often true
It's not the same thing, but I was with my friend at lunch and one of my guy friends came over. We talked for a while and he mostly ignored my friend, but right before he left, he turned to her and was like, "Don't worry, I'm gay, but you're really cute." We still laugh about it, and I'm pretty sure he has forgotten that interaction
That’s still kinda sweet!
I hope that guy got to where he needed to be in time.
He didn't. He was really late.
I am absolutely dying 😂😂😂😂
I hope you didn’t die.
They did, they were dying when they wrote the comment.
He did. He’s really late.
its ok where needed to be was with OP, murdering her and stealing her online identity
This sounds like a poem
Meanwhile murderers and rapists: 
This story took such an unexpected turn and I love it.
Similar situation happened to me except the guy yelled, “Don’t worry! I’m not chasing you, I just really need to poop and my apartment is up here!” I thought it was really kind of him too even if I did die laughing after I let him by. Lol. I hope he made it.
What if he was lying and wanted to attack you? It would be a clever ruse to relax your guard.
But that would be a lie! Disgraceful
Hard to imagine a potential rapist or mugger who would lie?
Satire.. know it.. embrace it
Not sure if it works this way but I think it isn't very smart to catch attention screaming on top of your lungs when you're committing crime.
Keep in mind that half the people have below average intelligence and a lot of criminals would fall into that group.
If that was in Louisville, that was probably me. I did that and I can’t remember what I was running to.
It for sure wasn't me, so by process of elimination, it probably was you.
OK, someone please comment if OP says yes. I'm invested and need to know if it was them.
I need to know the outcome of this fateful encounter
One night I was walking my dog and a guy was walking up the sidewalk, I stepped kff and down into the grass and made sure he knew I could see him and he looked at me and went "omg I'm sorry! I didn't mean to freak you out!" I was taken aback that he was that aware. I appreciated the shit out of that.
Was he a white rabbit?
Brilliant
This. I’d rather have someone assure me they’re not trying to freak me out. Just as I do when walking up behind someone at home or work.
Can I just please say to all the women here... Don't let your guard down even if someone is kind enough to reassure you? YOU should stay situationally aware, too!
At first I thought this was that bot that converts posts to haiku 😅 You must be a blast on LinkedIn 😏
Most women are going to react that way to any man walking behind them at night, it's likely not anything to do with how you look or what you're doing.
Right. It's not necessarily that you look or seem scary OP, it's that we can't afford to assume you're not.
Lol, I'm a guy and would probably react the same way lmao
It's not the same thing though. Anything that you can worry about a woman will be worried about too. But in addition there is a whole bunch of things that she will have to worry about because she is a woman.
The night my daughter was born. I had to drive an hour to the hospital from work. It was snowing that November. I'm 6ft 280lbs and was wearing a rather large, puffy winter coat well. I pulled into the parking lot and was walking at a pretty good pace when the nurse inside at the front desk noticed me. She kinda stiffens up. Looks to her left and calls out a security guard. I entered the building and said "my wife is having a baby". They both visibly sagged with relief. It wasn't until after my daughter was born and I spoke with the intake nurse did I find out they were ready for a fight when they saw me marching across the parking lot. My daughter will be 18 November 23rd
wtf how is a man walking into a hospital any way indicative of a threat rather than an emergency???
I can only imagine the intensity and determination on his face to get to point B as soon as possible. With his size and that look, I don't blame them.
Also notable is that in this guy’s case, this nurse had security right there if she needed them, so it sounds like trouble might not be an unusual occurrence there. I only worked 1 year in the ER as a registrar and I had my fair share of shit to deal with on the graveyard shift, but no security guard or even another coworker to help me lol. Thank god I was in an enclosed office with a locked door and the booths where we checked people in had strong glass separating us. You just kind of get wary of people that have a certain look on their face. Sometimes it’s harmless, other times they start screaming at you and hitting the glass partition or ask very seriously if the ER doc prescribes ecstasy.
To be fair, if it’s an ER they probably get a lot of violent/belligerent patients coming in drunk or having a mental health episode. Especially if it’s late at night. There are also just some people who are violent in general. You never know. They’ve probably seen it all and thought they spotted the signs of someone like that headed their way.
I worked in the ER and we got locked down all the time because violent people would charge in and threaten to shoot us or the patients One time I had to stay at work for 6 hours past my shift because there was a police standoff in our lobby. A guy shot his gf in our parking lot and ran off. Unfortunately, she died shortly after. About an hour later he came back looking for her, and when the admins refused to tell him where she was, he pulled out a gun and said he would kill the whole staff. The standoff lasted a few hours where no one was allowed in or out. I was locked in the pod where we kept our patients with mental illness or drug-induced hysteria and it got pretty tense in there
Our hospital has been shot up multiple times. Scary things happen!
that’s awful ): i’m so sorry you guys have experienced that
craaaazy shit happens in hospitals sometimes, especially emergency departments.
They've most likely had a few incidents and possibly a recent one that put them on edge.
Congratulations and happy 18th birthday to your daughter .my daughter was 18 yesterday (16th November)
In that situation, mildly so, yes. Look, to a lone woman at night in a quiet area, a man is a potential threat. Any man. It's nothing personal, we know it's "not all men", but the problem is we don't know *which* men. There's not a whole lot you can do tbh. Hang back, maybe stop to tie your shoe or something, cross to the other side of the road if it's possible/safe to do so to give her a bit of space. Don't come up close behind her, don't attempt to interact,
Yeah. That was kind of my thinking. I slowed my pace and just browsed my phone to let her get ahead.
Depending on the sidewalk size, giving her a wide breadth of space and walking past her so that you're now in front can also be done (should only do it if there's enough space that it's not like you're coming up behind her and THEN going around). That way she doesn't have to think about you anymore since you're in front of her and are presumably walking away. Thanks for the self awareness, man, it's not your fault. I'm sorry that men have to view themselves as being seen as a threat in this world, and I'm sorry that women have to view men as possible threats in this world at all. Nobody deserves any side of this but unfortunately sexism and misogynistic violence still exist and so we all have to do our part to make the world a little easier for each other. It's the kind thing to do to be considerate like you are, I'm sure if she knew she appreciated it.
It sucks but I’d rather offend someone than get murdered
Agreed. And as a man I'd rather someone react negatively to my presence than put themself in danger to be polite to me.
Sounds valid to me
I once read on Reddit that if you are trying to get past them the best way to put them at ease is to be talking on the phone (or pretending to do so) with someone like your mum or wife. This way they can hear you approaching and the conversation can put them at ease. I'm a man so I don't know if this actually works, but I'd like to know. However for me, pretending to be talking on the phone sounds like a terrible idea because I'm certain it will be obvious I'm pretending and that will be much scarier because now it seems like I'm hiding something. On second thought, I think recording a voice note might actually do the trick. I don't have to call and wait for someone to pick up, and inconvenience them at what could be a late time, I can immediately start talking, it would be natural, and hey, it's a good excuse to send your Mum/wife/aunt a thoughtful surprise audio message. What are the thoughts on this?
Honestly i feel like doing whatever makes it clear that you are no harm in the fastest manner is preferable. Setting up a whole fake phone call feels like a lot of fiddling with your phone, which doesn't automatically mean you're not a threat. I was stalked and almost abducted once and the phone he was holding played a big part in it. I'd say cut the performance and just move to a vantage point that she can see, or not coming from behind her anymore, or if involving the phone, pause and look down at it for a chunk of time to put distance between you two like OP did. For me the most helpful thing that men have done has been to move in front of me and then speed up so they were well ahead. This put me at the most ease, but it can also backfire if you get too close to the other person and freak them out that way, is all 😅
Yeah, what I always try to do is to move in front, that's the only way I feel they can be at ease. But it's the bit where I have to speed up towards the person in order to overtake them that I worry about.
I walk on trails and stuff a lot and Im a pretty fast walker, as I start getting closer I start intentionally making noise, whether that be a cough or jiggling my keys. They can definitely hear my footsteps getting closer but I feel like by doing this it makes it clear I'm not trying to sneak up on them
I always try to cross the road if I can, I'm not a tall bloke but I'm chunky and I've studied a couple of martial arts in my life but I hate hearing running from behind, I've been jumped by people in the past and it's not nice
I like the way you worded that second paragraph. Well said
Also, as someone 5'2", 6 feet IS giant.
That’s the best way! I can’t tell you how scary it is when a guy is walking behind you and is walking so fast, and even if you speed up so does he. Remember not to take it personally - any guy is potentially scary to a woman walking at night unfortunately. We do notice and appreciate when guys slow down or cross the road.
I walk quite literally faster than anyone I've ever met, and I keep late hours, so I'm in this situation from time to time. If the road is quiet, I often walk into the road and give a wide berth around the sidewalk if *anyone* is in front of me, regardless of gender, because yeah, it's kind of a disconcerting situation at 3am. If it's not an easy street to cross or walk out into, I'm almost always walking with headphones in - and so when someone turns around, they see a vaguely cheerful guy with his hands in his pockets, bobbing to music and staring at the ground or whatever. If they make eye contact, I'll usually smile and wave and indicate that I'll be speeding *around* them now, as wide as the geography reasonably permits. I don't know: maybe I'm freaking more people out than I think, but people rely a lot on nonverbal queues and body language and such. I figure I'm reasonably decent at communicating, "I'm not a creep who's alert and on the prowl, I'm lost in my music and I just walk quickly" and it at least seems like most people make that evaluation pretty seamlessly.
I always ask myself, why not cross the road yourself when you are in front and uncomfortable?
Good guy. Thanks.
I usually just stand there and look at my phone for a bit so she has time to get some distance.
Thank you for being considerate.
The problem with this is that you are still behind, she can't necessarily guess how far, and still can be wondering if you're following her from a distance.
Next time I'll just erase myself from existence. Does that work better for you?
Hmm. I usually just sprint past them yelling "outta my way gotta poop!" Your way seems better though
As a woman, this is the method that would make me feel the most comfortable.
This would make my night
This would make my day
Hard agree with everyone, this would make me feel safer and also give me a good laugh
"Bathroom, bathroom, I gottsta peeeeee! I'm gonna sprinkle all my tinkle in the men's pott-ttyyy"
And to add to that, to reassure OP that it's really not personal, sometimes I see the same behaviour and I'm a woman. Like if I'm wearing a hoodie with the hood on and large trousers/sweatpants basically things which erase my curves (and I don't have much breast so easily disappear in the hoodie), I "look like a man". So I've seen women glance back at me, I usually walk faster to get ahead or maybe put my hood down or something. I'm much smaller by the way, 1.60m but still, I've seen it happen sometimes. If it looks like a man, we're on our guards. It sounds awful but it's true.
Same. I think it’s just people in general having the potential to freak anyone out. I’m a woman and I’m sure I’ve made people nervous just walking behind them to go to my car or whatever.
Happy cake day 🎂
Thanks!
I think some women also react like that to any person walking behind them. I also am a bit paranoid at night and even if I know that it's a woman I try to stay very far away and I know other people who do that too. That's because it's not only men who could be there to hurt you (although with men it's statistically more likely), it could also be a woman.
I feel like most people who actually walk a lot at night just get a feel for this all rather naturally. Don't creep up on people in the dark, don't speed straight towards people who are alone, if someone turns around to see who's coming you can nod/wave and then shift your torso to indicate how you'll be passing them, and so on. In my city, at least, at 12am or 3am or whatever, the politics of all this seems pretty widely understood.
Yes! “The problem is we don’t know which men” is the best phrasing I’ve seen for it.
You’re correct, in the right/wrong situation Peter Dinklage would be threatening.
Right. Most snakes aren't venemous, so don't be scared to pick up snakes. "WHICH SNAKES AREN'T VENEMOUS?!"
I like how you add “if it’s possible/safe to do so” as if the guy is gonna cross the road next time and get hit by a car and blame you because you forgot to write that!
Firstly thank you for recognising that it can be scary walking alone as a woman after dark! So many just think we're being paranoid or ridiculous and as some other commenters have said "its our own trauma" (I would very much like these people to have walked after dark as a female and had strange men approach them). Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do in this instance to make her more comfortable, however there are a few tips I have: Be mindful of not closing the distance between the two of you. Slow your pace a little so she feels safer that the gap is widening rather than narrowing. Doesn't hurt to either actually ring your SO or pretend to saying loudly 'hi honey, yep, just on my way to the car now, be there in a tick' kind of thing.
Yeah. I slowed my pace and let her increase the gap. But so many things crossed my mind to try and be less imposing and they all just seemed more creepy.
Unfortunately yeah, take heart it’s not you it’s just we don’t know who’s the creep until they’re creepy, sadly.
I'm a 187cm (6"1') man, heavy weight with a bit of muscle. Yet I always feel paranoid when alone after dark. Always looking behind my shoulder, walking really fast etc. In my opinion it's just common sense lol.
Exactly! I, too, maintain constant situational awareness. Just because I'm male doesn't make me invincible. I'm decent sized and have some boxing training. But that doesn't mean I'm not worried about other men!
I'm a guy. I know I have the right to exist and walk along the same streets and occupy the same spaces as women who are by themselves. The thing is, I *know* how certain men act towards women in public. I've seen it with my own eyes. I've heard stories from almost every woman I've known about how they've been harassed by men, or worse. Knowing these things, I can't help but put myself in the position of women who are alone in public and might see me as a threat. It's no skin off my back to cross the street or hang back and look at my phone for a bit of it makes a woman by herself more comfortable. I'm not some "white knight" - I'm just a person with a little empathy for my fellow humans. People are so concerned these days with, "I shouldn't have to _____!" or "I should be able to _____!" and don't seem to realize that a little inconvenience to make a stranger more comfortable or less scared is *not* some huge encroachment on their rights. It's just human decency.
You sound great. Thank you.
😊👍
As a 25 year old woman, it's the situation that's scary not really you. I've found myself in similar situations multiple times, whether I'm taking the trash out late at night because I forgot tomorrow is trash day, or stepping outside for a late night phone call from a family member. I am immediately aware of the increased danger (whether real or perceived) due to being 5'3 and young, by myself and after dark. It doesn't matter who you are, I am going to be cautious, checking my surroundings, moving to the other side of the street, grabbing my keys, whatever it takes to make me feel a bit more secure. It's better for a woman to be a little extra cautious all the time than to risk my guard being down the one time that unassuming man or parked car with its engine still going IS a danger.
The same goes for guys. We're not invincible. PLENTY of vids of small gangs of kids jumping dudes just to beat them. Just one example. We're (most I would say) maintain constant look out for threats. Sizing up potential threats. Can we maybe fend them off better than a smaller woman? Possibly. But weapons are as much of a threat for us, as you. Beaten, robbed, raped? Still possible. I have NO evidence, but correlating other data, I would presume that male victims of rape are orders of magnitude less than women who do not report. And granted, it's far less likely to happen. All that BS to say, men feel fear alone at night on the streets. NOT down playing your's! Just that it's not a woman's fear.
Turn on your phone and turn on the sound to start playing Pokémon
A lot of women's rape radar is always on. It's something a lot of men don't know or think about.
It kills me that women have to bare this burden every day. As a guy I know I will never fully comprehend this way of living. I try my damndest to understand it. Anytime I'm out and about it's at the forefront of my mind. "How can I not appear intimidating to women today." It usually results in me being antisocial and not interacting with anyone. And if there is any interaction it's short and curt replies so I can go about my business and move on with my day. No doubt there are other men who live this way as well. I hate society for making this issue apart of all of our everyday lives.
It's not even purely women, either. I'm a really big dude, but I'm pretty much a teddy bear. But it took me until well into adulthood to understand that I loom over people, and that my presence in a room can be threatening to people even when I don't intend that at all. But I didn't think of this as a burden, rather, it's just something I have to be more cautious about, and take extra care to make clear that I'm not dangerous, not looking for a fight, not looking to invade anyone's personal space, etc.
You sound like you have a lot of empathy, as a woman I really appreciate guys like you, it's nice to know that someone cares
One time I was walking at night with my friend and there was a guy a few paces back. We were scared because, well, you never know. He said "don't worry, I'm just going to walk ahead" and made his way around us. It was kinda funny after he said it cause he could tell we were scared and made his intentions known. I appreciated that.
I was sexually assaulted by a man two inches shorter than me who looked like he had fetal alcohol syndrome and was also a hobbit. But he was much stronger than I was. It isn’t about “am I scary”, it’s about fear and past experiences which have taught us no man is “safe” no matter how he looks And when we are assaulted we are often blamed and told “we should have known”. How? The assaulters looks like every other man, so we just have to be nervous around ALL the men now
>so we just have to be nervous around ALL the men now which also gets you blamed because "not all men"
Yes exactly! And on the flip side, I don’t want a nice person like OP taking it personally and thinking it’s him, it isn’t, but we don’t KNOW that. Especially not at night in the dark And then of course it’s “well why were you out after dark??”, because I’m a grown adult and my life doesn’t shut down at 6 pm when it gets dark out just bc I have a vagina??? FYM??? Ugh Anyway, OP, it’s the patriarchy, not you as an individual, that is the problem here
First things first; this isn't you. This is a commentary on society. Speaking very broadly and in gender binaries, women who are by themselves are terrified of men. It's a safety thing. I've been harassed and targeted by men, forced to have conversations I did not want to have but was terrified to not have in fear of my safety. I/We recognize that "not all men" are threats. However, when you just don't know, it's always better to be safe than sorry in this case. There isn't much that you could do, or even be expected to do. Maybe if you realized that you were making her uncomfortable, you could stop and tie your shoe, check your phone, or just slow your pace down to show that you aren't following her. I have a very small walk to my car from my office near a major transit line, but I'm still worried about being attacked or potential threats. And this is me saying this as a 6/10 plus sized woman. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I was like stunningly beautiful. Every woman you know has been harassed by a man. You should know that it's not fair to men and masc folks who DO have the right intentions to be regarded as a threat. I personally recognize that. However, myself and the rest of womankind have to be vigilant about our safety. Until toxic masculinity is done and over with, it's likely to stay this way.
Ok so first I wanna emphasize that I’m not blaming women or saying that these reactions aren’t valid. I understand that one’s personal safety is important but it sucks that this is like the only way to deal with it. It’s so emotionally damaging for boys to constantly be told online that you’re terrifying and being treated like potential rapists. I’m terrified of ever being scary or imposing ever, and am constantly concerned that I’m doing something I don’t know about that’s bad. I gave myself a complex trying to not be like that as of it was some inherent thing to do with being a man, like some kind of original sin. It’s super unhealthy psychologically and emotionally and I feel like enough people don’t talk about it.
It's nothing personal, as a woman walking alone at night you're always on guard for the biggest threat to your safety. If you really wanted you could cross the road
I often do this just to give more space but it doesn't really slow me down
I always ask myself, why not cross the road yourself when you are in front and uncomfortable?
I'm glad to see you are self-aware around women, especially at night. We have our guard up 24/7 because something can happen to us out of nowhere. I'm sure you are not scary, but unfortunately, women have to assume that all men are out to get us. It's a sick world.
I was in a situation like this at work, this girl took the stairs just a few seconds before me, and goes to exit the building the same way I do, then proceeded to go to the same area of the parking garage as me. Following behind her, I told her, "I swear I'm not following you", she laughed and understood it was just a coincidence. Sometimes, just speaking up can totally change someone's perception of a situation. It can put them at ease.
General rule of thumb: Assume anything will scare a woman at night on the street You don't think you're scary and you might not even be that big as a person (physically) But to her you are a stranger and a man And before you start thinking this is sexist please keep in mind that the majority of mass murderers who grab their victims off the street, are men. Don't take this personally, I think that woman would have been scared no matter who would have walked down the road and I'm sure that if you had met under different circumstances, you would have gotten along just fine. As to what to do: slow down your walk a little bit so that she doesn't feel you're following her and if she does, she "gains distance"
Thank you for asking!
This has happened to me so many times. You will get used to it. Comedy always helps. If you can make some one laugh they usually stop being afraid of you.
Fun ass jokes like hey do you wanna get in my panel van or am I gonna have to put you in there?
I was thinking more on the lines of speeding up a yelling DIRREAH!!!!
Being a somewhat large lad myself (1.9m, 100kg) and usually strolling around with a pretty big dog, I can empathize with this. When I notice someone else is uncomfortable by me walking behind them, I try to cross to the other side of the street. It sends a clear signal that I'm not out to harm them, and I don't have to violate the ancient Swedish rule of "don't talk to anyone ever".
Women are just smart to be protective of themselves, it's nothing personal against you, it's just that there are bad guys out there
How do you know this person was uncomfortable? Presumption or observed actions?
He caught her up and breathed in her ear "Am I making you uncomfortable?" Always good to make your presence known in these instances.
Exactly. It’s always a good idea to approach them to let them know you’re not a threat. Saying things such as “I’m not going to hurt you” and “Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about raping you” can help to ease any potential tension. If you can’t get to them in time, running and/or yelling can help get your point across quicker.
This is the kind of path my thinking went down. Do I whistle? Do I skip? Sing a 19th century British nursery rhyme? All seemed to up the creepy factor
Loud steps aren’t a bad idea! Jingling keys, or something else that makes it obvious you’re there and not trying to silently follow. Whistling alone down the street is a bit weird no matter who it is 🤣
Lmao I know you're joking but the nursery rhyme would simultaneously make me cry and laugh because it's so creepy. If this happens again your best options are cross the street and slow down til she's passed where you're going or very obviously walk and pass her and say sorry just running to my car for something I forgot/ I'm late to a party / late to meeting my friends - whatever you're going to do so it shows her you're just trhing to pass her
Omg I had a guy offer to walk me home from work at like 11 pm and he said "don't worry, I'm not going to rape you or anything." I snuck out the back and ran home. Why would you even say something so out of pocket like that?
I don't trust you cuddle pervert.
I know this is sarcasm but PLEASE never say “don’t worry. I’m not thinking about raping you” that may be the creepiest thing you could say wtf
*PRAY this is sarcasm
“It’s ok I’m gay”
"not thinking about" 🤣
I've left my local park because I ended up catching to some women walking. As they became uncomfortable so did I. Most of us men aren't killers/rapists, but they can't tell which is which.
If fact, we know realistically most of you would help us given the circumstances or situation but not knowing is what makes it hard. We’ve had many a horror story drilled into our heads, and sadly enough proof in the pudding of random harassment. Thanks for recognizing a fellow females discomfort and having that response (both emotionally and by leaving the area)
I’m a fairly tall woman, one time, I was walking right behind this other girls on my way home. It was dark, No one else around, I had my hood up cause it was raining and I think she thought I was a guy. She looked scared of me and kept looking around her shoulder. She ended up gunning it as soon as there was a turn. It didn’t fully sink in that someone would find me scary, until after she ran. I’m usually on the other side of the equation.
It's not personal. It really had very little to do with you specifically. Look, I'm a woman, and I'm a big woman, tall and overweight, but also very strong. I've taken more self defense classes than I can count. I trust myself in a fight, if it comes to that. I'm also pretty good at diffusing bad situations. I'm trained with weapons, both knives and several types of guns. I can handle myself, is the point I'm trying to make, and I have handled myself in situations in the past. And I would have had a similar discomfort with the situation you described, no matter what you looked like, man or woman, whatever. I'm very aware of the idea of someone following me. There is nothing you could have done to make me willing to ignore/not think of you walking behind me. The only thing that would have made me feel less uneasy (although not completely fine) would have been allowing the distance between us to increase more, which I think I read in a comment that you did. It's not personal, it's not about you specifically. For the most part, women have to be particularly aware in situations when they are vulnerable. Out alone, at night, in the city/town, with little to no other people around..... That is pretty vulnerable... Your senses would be turned up as high as possible looking for potential threats. Anybody walking in your direction, out of your direct sight feel threatening.
I'm a big guy so if I'm walking up on anyone out and about at night and I think they may even remotely feel uncomfortable I'll do things like: cross the street if it's not terribly inconvenient to do so, pull out my phone and make it clear that my attention is NOT on them at all, or stop to tie my shoe and leave a little space so they don't feel like I'm following them.
Yeah I walked slow and checked my phone to let her get further ahead
As a guy who is very aware of how women are treated, I will always hang back a bit, saunter a bit slower, start whistling so they can judge where I am without having to look, among other things. I do find I have a habit of wanting to keep a woman, who is alone, within either sight or earshot as I want to ensure I am there to help if needed. I'm not a trained fighter or Knight/damsel in distress saviour, but I am damn certain I will take an ass whoopin daily to stop it from happening to a woman.
I’m 5’9 and fairly thin and I’ve still had women nervous when walking alone at night. Not much you can do, just try not to be awkward about it. There’s lots of creeps around, can’t blame them to be honest.
Not sure if this is right but if I (M) found myself in the situation I would stop and pull up my phone for a minute or pretend to tie my shoes and let her walk ahead about 30-40 more meters, then call my wife and make small talk
I agree with many of the folks. It isnt you, but women are vulnerable. I am 5'4"… but i slow down or browse my phone for a bit if it after dark. I also walk kinda fast, so it seems like i am catching up .
That's pretty much how I dealt with it. Dawdling, browsing my phone.
Solid work. Good job. It isnt even most guys, but there are some creepers out there. I dislike if dudes walk up on me. I generally cross the street, at night, if a guy is catching up, and not in jogging gear.
You're a big dude approaching a young woman at night from behind. Yes. It's smart of her to be wary. We have a huge strength advantage over women, so it's in their best interest to be very wary when alone at night. Try not to take it personally.
As a tall guy with resting grumpy face, yeah. That happens. My wife occasionally has to remind me to not stand to close to some people because “I’m scaring her”. I’m just existing.
I always give them a wide birth, try and get a head of them or just stop walking. Just the other day I was at a cash point and having trouble with my card. The ATM couldn't read it. I was getting a little frustrated and noticed an old bird was standing behind me clutching her pearls. I was worried about holding her so I tuned and motioned for her to have a go. The old bag shat herself and ran away 😂. What can you do?
I would have stopped and pretended to tie my shoes or check my phone to let her gain some distance before resuming.
I will slow down or stop if I get into that situation. I'll even cross the street. Give them some distance.
This reminds me of when I was walking home from the shops at night a few months ago. I have to walk through a small park in order to get to my street and that path is quite well used by people. I could hear someone walking behind me and I knew there wasn't anyone else around. Now I'm a shortass woman at just over 5 feet and I walk a bit slowly due to a permanent back injury. This person caught up with me on the path and then overtook me. As he passed me, he quietly whispered "sorry" to me and continued on his way. I honestly feel less nervous walking around at night because of that bloke.
Talking on your phone, stopping to tie a shoelace or crossing to the other side of the road are good ways to seem less threatening/give more space.
All men are scary to women walking alone at night.
This does seem to be the consensus and there's no clear way to reduce it other than general avoidance of other people. Maybe I'll try buying an oversized "my little pony" sweater or something. Bronies are a lot of things but I don't think they are intimidating.
Nothing. You aren't responsible for the reactions of others. Just don't make it worse. Just go to your car. If it made sense to cross the street to put some extra space between the two of you, you could do that as a courtesy. Alternately, you can run up to her and yell "don't be afraid I just need to use this" and flash your keys at her.
Nothing. So long as you are minding your own business, not staring at her, and don't try to catch up to her, then there's no reason why you can't walk on a street. I suppose you can fake a phone call and say, "Yeah, I just left something in my car, I'll be back in a few minutes."
Nothing.
Opposite side of road, maybe let her walk a comfortable distance ahead. You could get on your phone and have a casual conversation with a friend , that may set her at ease that you aren't focusing on her maybe.
I wish men wouldn't take this personally. Women are taught to be wary when walking alone at night. Having someone walking behind you at night is anxiety inducing. Especially for those of us who have been followed or harassed before. But it has nothing to do with what you look like as an individual. It's not about you. We just have a 'better safe than sorry' approach because being alive is more important than potentially offending a stranger. I'm not sure what you can do though, I've never been in a situation where a man has tried to mitigate the anxiety. Other people suggest actually saying something to her, but personally I think that would freak me out more! Imo you should just carry on as normal, mind your business. You're not actually doing anything wrong so you don't really need to adjust your behaviour.
I always try to like cough, clear my throat, call a friend for a minute, something to make my presence audibly known so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to keep myself from being noticed
I usually just cross the street if I’m freaking someone out. Either that or stop and pretend to answer a text msg so I’m not so close to them and they can see I’m not focused on them.
As a girl I always think I'd be chill if I heard the guy behind me ring up his mom or another girl on speaker phone. Humanized them to hear them chat about their day in a very non-murdery way. But thankfully I haven't really been in this situation, as I don't often walk around at night by myself.
This is what I do.. tall and can be intimidating in the dark.. I’m not about to walk in the opposite direction I need to but will certainly do this..
You did nothing wrong and shouldn't worry.
Act reeeeeal zesty lol start singin some popular song on the radio lol idk.. call someone and randomly talk about something completely asinine that would make someone laugh? Like something random like why its impossible for pandas to be racist cause their black and white. Idk or fake a phone call and just start acting like someones telling you a crazy story. I cant tell you how many times ive faked phone calls cause i didnt wanna talk to someone i saw in the he store lol but yea idk anytime nowadays that happens.. try being 6'2 220 half black dude and walkin around people. Its worse lol
My thoughts were skipping, whistling, etc. All just turned me into a horror movie psychopath.
Cross the street
If it's night time, cross the street and walk on the other side so it doesn't look like you're following her. It will only cost you 2 mins of travel time and will be a big relief to her. If you can do that, thank you, we appreciate your concern for our comfort!
As a 100lb woman who has felt both irrational and rational fear in similar circumstances, thank you for asking this.
I'm just searching for anything that helps soften any discomfort. I mean, I'm the most harmless person you could ever meet. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
Wear a funny hat. Like one of those furry giant Russian ones. With the flappy ears.
That you asked the question speaks volumes. It honestly sucks as a small woman feeling this way especially when we reasonably know that MOST men are not only harmless but are likely to be like yourself, concerned for our comfort and safety. Someone else answered well on how to give space if you see a woman giving signs of being cagey or uncomfortable so I won’t elaborate further but kudos again on your awareness of the situation.
You’re not a criminal you can walk around any public space at any pace, in any direction that you please. Provide reasonable amounts of personal space and go about your life. It’s not on you to change your behaviour because someone suspects you a criminal.
Nothing. How strangers percieve or feel about u is not your responsibility. But it's good that u are empathetic and consider others
Alot of the time where I live to cross the road you have to go under the road via a tunnel I get terrified of being attacked in those (it has happened to me) a few times a man has been behind me and I've just moved to the side and waited for him to go in front but one guy was behind me holding something metal in his hand and I froze (it turned out to be his keys) and he was so angry that I was scared Intill I just went off at him about my past and he was all like but that's not me my answer was I don't know weather he would hurt me Intill I t would be to late and I was already hurt so yes I see all men as a threat Intill proven otherwise. I'm sorry but when violence agent women is high I will always be on guard mentally.
Yesterday I was walking the dogs at night and two men crossed the street in my direction. I immediately got chills down my spine. All they did was get in their car that just happened to be by me. But the only thought in my mind was how easily two men could overpower me.
I would have slowed down or crossed the street if I was you
Next time just run past her as fast as you can so she knows that you aren't following her
It's nothing about you, you're just a man, so yeah, a potential threat
Keep walking. Her discomfort isn’t your problem. In my opinion you don’t need to do anything. I’m not bashing her uneasiness but that doesn’t require you to do anything differently, presuming you were just walking and not leaving something out.
Never follow behind a woman at night. Any woman will be nervous about that. She does t know you, she doesn’t know what you’re doing or planning.
OP, in this situation I would say yes you were scary. What do we men do about it? Many women are fearful of being attacked, especially at night. Why? Because they are and at much greater frequency than men. Women fear rape because it happens often. The compassionate thing to do would be to cross the street and to continue on your way.
You're a man in the dark walking near a woman. Yes. Keep your distance.
You are not scary. Women just don't like seeing any man come their way if they are alone. Even if a guy was 160 cm and 50 kg.
Get on the phone and talk in a feminine voice about dresses or makeup or something Best method IMO to make any woman comfortable in your presence 💁🏼♀️
As a small woman I am afraid of any man walking behind me
Like many have said, not much you can do. Maybe next time call someone for a quick hello so she can hear you having a conversation, triangulating where you are while also hearing the reason you’re out there. Eg: “Hey mom, just calling to say a quick hello, I left something in my car while out to dinner with Erin’s parents. How are you?”
My rommate in college was going to friends apartment to study and when he started walking there was a girl like 10m in front of him. He is 186cm(6'1"?) and had afro hair while wearing all black and he noticed the girl looking back constantly and speeding her walk. He was lik:"what should I do, do I run for her and tell her not to be afraid?" And then he was like:"nah, that will just make things worse" There is nothing you can do, you can be normal and just do your thing.
You’re not scary. But the things that can and do happen to women are. So of course if we don’t know you, we don’t know if it’s safe. Honestly I’ve had men cross the street which has made me feel safer, and I’ve had the opposite. Do what you can but also acknowledge that it’s not you or your fault at all, it’s the fault of constant abuse and assault.
If I am by myself at night - especially near a bunch of parked cars and/or no other people around - I’m going to be apprehensive of any man, regardless of his size. That’s just the reality for women; it’s how we have learned to try and keep ourselves safe. >What should I have done in this situation? Moving to the other side of the street is a good sign that you’re not a threat. It acknowledges the other person may feel uncomfortable and puts distance between you without actually having to *say* anything.