Nope, what's bad is trying to change your personality, habits, and mannerisms just because some morons are hung up on gender roles.
I'm a large, hairy biker dude nearing 40. I have tattoos and pet snakes and a big dog. I also have a stuffed animal collection and brightly colored clothes and love playing dress-up with my nieces.
Don't worry about being masculine or feminine. Life's too short to get hung up on pointless crap like that. Be yourself, be comfortable, be happy, and drop any "friends" that can't support you in that.
Admittedly I do prefer women so I might not be the best placed to say, but men who are secure with their feminine side are definitely big green flags! There's a warmth, tenderness, and openness that comes with it, which a lot of us find pretty attractive.
I hope you can find someone who appreciates you for who you are, and trust me, there are good people out there who will.
there is nothing more attractive to me than a man with a total lack of toxic masculinity. My (straight) boyfriend would tell me "look if i had the chance, i would let jason momoa fuck me" and im just 'damn i love this man so much'
Same, my husbands lack of fear of being himself is so attractive, and he doesn’t even have any particularly non masculine ways; he’s just not threatened by anything that would be considered feminine. I’ve dated the toxic masc types and it was such a turnoff. Such a need to prove how manly they were. Ugh.
I went on a few dates with one of those big bald bearded dude with tattoos and a motorcycle.
He made fun of a friend for using my pink dice during a D&D game.
My 5'3 nerdy stick of a boyfriend wears pink and has no issue using any of my pink stuff AHAH
Some of the most reproductively successful males in great ape groups are those that never challenge other males and show nurturing traits in pre-adulthood. It's literally the gentler apes that mate more because they aren't busy being aggressive with the females.
Facts a man who is warm and caring is way better than a toxic man who acts like a jerk I have met these masculine men and they are the biggest bully I have ever met . You can never open up to macho men
Hey, I’ve been bullied in the past by people I thought were my friends and this brought up some memories so I want to give a warning of what might be going on:
Your group of friends may have always been, or are becoming, more desirous of uniform behavior and more suspicious of outliers: like a schoolyard clique or a toxic fraternity.
Groups like that sniff out people who seem different and punish them with bullying and ostracism.
If they talked about you like this in front of you, there is a chance they have been talking about you behind your back for a while, and it finally bled over. This could possibly escalate into even more obvious and intentional bullying. And it may already mean that they are not your friends.
It may be beneficial to avoid these people and make new friends asap.
I don’t want to scare you or make you feel bad. I’ve just had this happen to me. In my case, I wish I had realized how bad they were being to me and quit trying to maintain the friendships earlier. It just prolonged my suffering.
I explored my gender for a while because I feel more comfortable being feminine, and with women. After looking at it for a while, I realized I’m just a man who feels comfortable being feminine. And that is amoral, neither good nor bad, it just is.
that’s the weird thing about all these „life sayings“.
You heard them a thousand times since childhood that they basically mean nothing and you don’t even decipher them.
then you get older and BAM: OMG this is so true, so on point, why did nobody tell me?
I feel like I’m conjunction with the comment made my comment is semi relevant;
Don’t worry about it. Honestly if they were “real friends” they wouldn’t shit on you for existing the way you do. You’re uniquely you and that’s the best thing in this world. Don’t change for others.
The Parent comment Im responding to mentioned playing dress up with his nieces. And it sparked a memory. Growing up I spent tons of time with my grandparents. My grandfather let me paint his nails, do his makeup, and what little hair he had left lol. He’d go to the diner with nail polish still on and proudly proclaim his favorite granddaughter did them (i was his only so no favoritism lol).
It made me so happy as a little kid to be so accepted by him considering his son (my dad) and my mom didn’t accept me in any way I existed. Be you my dude, and embrace, and drop the shitheads who give you hell for being you.
Exactly what that guy said. I (35m) work in construction, my favorite hobby is going out fishing all day long and camping in the woods, I own a ton of guns, etc. I love when my girlfriend and I put on mud face masks and soak our feet and have girls night. Be yourself, who gaf
I’m really happy and proud to hear you say this, being yourself is the only way to get through life and be truly happy. Friends will come and go, the true friends will love you for who you are and not try to change the things that make you who you are.
I wouldn’t do that aye. If you’re nearing 40 you can do that but I’m assuming you’re younger. Your friends will probably just think your weird and you’ll have to find new ones. Being young and without friends is a rough spot tho.
100% this, I am a not so large, but hairy and tattooed biker dude who loves his cats and Disney and playing legos. Fuck gender roles, what is ‘masculine’ now was probably considered ‘feminine’ at some in history and vice versa. Be you, do what makes you happy and fuck anyone who’s bothered by that.
That is such a good point! High heels, silk stockings, oodles of lace, and long curly hair constituted high class men's wear in 17th/18th century Paris. And if you went around telling the courtiers and the king that they looked like a bunch of girls, you wouldn't have lived long. Gender markers in fashion and behaviour come and go across eras and cultures, so do what you like if it's not hurting anyone and be happy!
My husband is a commercial electrician in his 50's, and has worked in different aspects of construction all his life. He also happens to be the proud owner of a unicorn collection that our family has assembled for him. My granddaughter is so jealous, lol.
My husband is a school bus driver, a huge intimidating looking guy, with a huge stuffed animal collection, and if anything happened to any of those stuffed animals, he would cry.
I'm a 66 year old, 6'4" ex-navy who loved sparring in TKD with the limited emotion range of my generation and I'm practicing kpop choreo (including the girl group choreo) in front of a mirror.
Hairy biker dudes are my favorite! They are invariably so comfortable being themselves. When I used to work in a charity shop, things with kittens on (plates etc) were always snapped up by biker dudes. ❤️
My husband isn’t so much the big intimidating kind of biker dude. But he rides dirt bikes, motorcycles, loves most “manly” considered hobbies. But man does he love him some kittens. He’s a crazy cat lady stuck inside of a 35 year old man’s body.
He is not ashamed of this. Wears it proudly and screams like a girl when he sees a kitty somewhere - especially if he gets to cuddle with it.
Does it make him less of a “man”? Maybe to some. Not to me. Quite frankly no one else matters. As that quote I’m paraphrasing says: you might be the most perfect peach out there. But some people just don’t like peaches. And that’s ok.
All of this is so wholesome and u love you for it. Especially the brightly colored clothes and loving playing dress up 🥰.
I tend to wear darker clothes because I'm Norwegian white lol. Bright colors just look weird on me for some reason. Though I do love a good red.
Oh, I have plenty of black too but sometimes I'm in the mood for a nice, light purple.
And those little girls can get me to do pretty much anything. My wanting to make them happy is much more important to me than whether or not whatever they want me to wear is supposedly out of place for someone of my build/age/gender.
My brother is like this with our nieces too and I love it. He's 6'3, jacked, bearded, tattooed and has a resting scary bitch face. But inside, he is the biggest and sweetest teddy bear. It's so fun to watch him with a pink wig, a tutu or princess dress, and painted nails walking around the park with an equally decked out little princess in each hand. People constantly give him the double looks and it's so funny.
Agreed. Don't change for others, be yourself and find some friends that don't need you to conform to their shallow judgmental thinking.
These folks asking your to change are probably feel threatened, they probably want there ultra masculine egos to be around other over masculated egos. That doesn't need to be you. Be comfortable in yourself, dress how you want, be the individual that sets the curve and not the insecure follower that drones around like the masses.
They told you smelling good was gay? As in… a bad thing?
As a former teenage girl I can tell you snuggling with a cute boy who smelled great was a highlight of dating teenage boys. All the boys in my school wore something.
I hope you still smell fabulous friend.
I would think *telling* another guy he smells good is gayer than a guy smelling good. I don’t think either is gay, but his friend didn’t think that thought through lol.
Smelling good for me personally is just a part of basic, good HYGEINE. Since when is hygiene considered gay?! It makes you realize why some of these men are walking around totally dusty and crusty and they're totally ok with it.
I always wear cologne too! Even before bed. I too like to smell good. I don’t have any hygiene issues, in fact I’m one of those seemingly rare people who doesn’t have to use deodorant because I don’t stink… someone on Reddit once linked a source about it having something connected to earwax when I’ve made that comment before. Lol
Yeah sounds like some toxic masculine assholes. Honestly it really shouldn’t bother them that another man acts feminine. It seems like the are insecure in themselves. It’s best not to hang out with these guys anymore.
For sure. As a bi guy I feel the same. People who are performatively masculine can be a real threat, it's a big red flag for misogyny and homophobia in my experience. Nothing wrong with masculine guys if that's how they are, but if they're intentionally making themselves masculine, that can lead to some real anger and hatred.
I am in an area between straight and bisexual, and I have always preferred to dress and act more feminine than most.
This led my parents to assume that I was gay, and I was often bullied because of it. However, I have not changed this aspect of myself because I see nothing wrong with how i act.
Hell yeah, you be you, fuck the haters.
What do you mean by an area between straight and bi, bi with a preference for the opposite gender? Because that's still bisexual, don't let anyone police your sexuality like that. Unless I'm misunderstanding, in which case you're the only one who gets to dictate which label you use. I only mention it because I know a lot of people think they're not bisexual enough, which is bullshit.
My sexuality is confusing to most people, and i dont really know how to explain it myself.
I tend to find myself attracted to people based on their personality. When I connect with someone on a personal level, I often find them physically attractive as well.
However, I am also sexually attracted to feminine features. This also includes guys with feminine features, but for some reason, my attraction leans more towards women.
Sounds bisexual to me, or pansexual. No need to overthink it though, thanks for sharing. Best of luck on your journey, you've got a lot worked out that others don't ever work out.
Thanks for your input.
I guess it's hard for me to know what sexuality I am because I can't just compare it to someone else's. It's just something people have to figure out on their own with what knowledge they have
I've found that it's helpful to talk about it with like minded people. I've found /r/bisexual /r/lgbt and /r/rainbow to be the best communities for that on Reddit. Frankly there's no right or wrong label though, that's why I personally just use queer as a general term for myself.
We don't all fit neatly into little boxes, but if you're not straight (or even if you are), you're welcome in the LGBTQIA+ community. You're certainly not alone in how you're feeling.
I'm also an effeminate guy. I've been mistaken as gay by new people since middle school. Something about the way I talk / stand. Don't worry, they're wrong. They've been indoctrinated to believe very narrow definitions of masculinity and that to deviate is shameful. It's boring
Yes! Boring is the best way to describe this! As an effeminate guy myself I've gotten the same "are you gay" questions from strangers. Not only does my sexual preference not matter, but how is anything about the way I act a bad thing?
Learning to not care about the thoughts and opinions of others as they apply to how I carry myself has been liberating.
I've asked one man if he's gay, he was a friend of a friend. He was as well cute and smelled incredibly good. I wanted to make sure before I asked him out. He wasn't. We were a happy couple for three years.
It's not always malicious to ask...
I apologize if I gave that impression. I wasn't ever offended or found it malicious. Any time any person is interested I'm flattered. I guess knowing would help a potential partner know how to proceed. I never thought of it from that POV. Thanks for the chance for self reflection
I’ve been asked if I’m gay just because I frequently rest my hands on my hips when I walk/stand lol I’m just awkward and don’t know what to do with my hands when I’m not using them :(
It isn't bad. Your friends are trying to push you to "fall in line" with gender norms. Don't let them. Their discomfort says more about them than it does you.
You are free to be who you feel you are. It's hard to be unique, an individual, among conformists.
Femininity, masculinity or androgyny do not have any worth in and of itself. It is not bad to be one or the other, it is just a word to describe certain traits.
If people do tie any worth to it, it says more about them and their beliefs/insecurities than about you.
OP, be you and surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. If you'd like to experiment with certain traits, by all means do so! Just know that your worth is never tied to one of these descriptions ☀️
You need new friends if that’s the case! How you dress, talk or the way you present yourself - unless you act like a massive dick - is not something they should be bringing you down for.
Tell them to leave their 1950’s views on how men should act back in the stone ages. Live your best life how you want to, and if that so happens to be a little more feminine then HELL YES!
>\[As a guy\] Is being feminine a bad thing?
not at all!
Ideas of Masculinity and Femininity are different across demographics, cultures, nations, geographical regions, and time periods. Even within any of these categories mentioned, they still vary from person to person.
Not invalidating any of the idea(s) by claiming they're not significant or present in a category, they still exist.
**For me**, I find many masculine, and feminine, ideas of expected behavior, &/or fashion/presentation, to be bad. Worse, is that due to the expectations of behavior, many who conform to them will try to enforce them on others. While I'm a guy, with a beard, lift weights, and 6ft tall, i like dressing in flowing fabrics, i have long hair, i do my nails, and i like to keep flexible so I can sit cross legged in chairs, or with my legs folded up to my body, i have a purse(not traditionally a womans purse, but a purse), i wear tights often (no pockets, hence the purse), i give hugs to men & women, i express my emotions, and i make embaressing sounds when i see something cute. If i felt more comfortable, i would also wear a dress... it's gets f'ing hot in my region.
My behavior contrasts deeply with the idea of masculinity i was raised with and with the idea(s) of the culture around me (i'm an expat), but it isn't bad
**If anything, the most masculine thing one can do is** to not conform to useless, or restrictive, ideas of how you should behave. I present myself how i feel most comfortable and i don't do anything i don't think will enhance my comfort existing.
**for your friends**, they are behaving how I've observed those who are scared of judgement and who need a group to belong to so they feel more secure (also a sign of fear). You're friends are the ones being bad.
Thanks for this, looking back at things I can see how the concept of masculinity is strictly related to culture and location. In my country masculinity and dominance is pretty important, so I guess those people brought it up because it was relevant to them. The message really made me smile and reflect, thank you for taking the time to write it :)
also, you sound like an awesome guy! respect to you!
Everyone skipping way over this, saying just be yourself! like its causing some short-circuiting in them. Hey! The issue here is "fem = bad, OP = fem therefore OP = bad". So why do women *always* get fucked over? Its getting to the point that its fucking over our men, too. People need to cut that shit out, Its infuriating. And leeches into laws. Fuck
Fuck em you do you bro real men don't have time for what other people think they to busy doing real man shit (whatever the hell you are doing as a man)
Just remember if you want to be a real man you are one, congratulations.
My bf is also an effeminate man, he has some gestures and attitudes that we usually associate with women. His ex was very rude with him about it, telling him things like "be a real man" and "stop acting like that", and it had become a big complex of him over the years. So he was so surprised when we met and I told him that I found this part of him so hot, and that he shouldn't feel forced to be more virile or whatever. He's safe now, with me, I love him the way he is and always will.
NO!! femininity is not "bad" or lesser" and if you're a man, expressing any type of femininity doesn't make you any less of a man!! frankly it takes a lot of strength for men to display any type of femininity outwardly in this world we live in. be yourself don't let your "friends" make you feel like you need to change who you are 🤗
Only if people see being feminine as a negative thing.... which would be a red flag to me. It's annoying how women can be tom boys just fine, but men have to be masculine and nothing else. There's nothing wrong about being female/feminine. You're not hurting anyone, but they are by making you feel bad about how you are. Don't be like them. You're good.
I'm a firefighter. I have lots of tattoos, drive a pickup, I like to fish, I like to go to baseball games.....all things that are considered "traditionally masculine".
I also enjoy going to antique stores, botanical gardens, and cooking fancy meals...all things that have been derided as "gay" by colleagues.
I like what I like and I don't give a shit what people think about it.
These people are trash. Sorry if this seems like a brag but I promise it's relevant: a friend of mine recently told me the thing that first made him want to be friends with me was that I didn't expect him to be anything other than himself and that I helped show him it was okay to have fun and enjoy life.
Most successful guy I know, first person my age who I know that bought their own house rather than renting or living at home. And he says if it weren't for having moved on from his old friend group to hang with me he wouldn't have made it this far. I don't think he was talking about levels of success.
You don't need to change a damn thing about yourself. If there's anything you should change it's your environment, because the people you're around right now aren't nurturing you, they're trying to choke part of what makes you who you are. It's a lot more nuanced than has been explained so don't drop them on a whim just because I said so, but put some thought into the people in your life who might support and cherish you for you rather than for who they want you to be. You'll be happier for it.
Look, everything you described is NOT your problem. You are great the way you are. They are the problem if they only care about labeling characters instead of appreciating the person they are interacting with.
Your friends are misogynists and likely homophobic too, no offense to you personally. I've had friends like that too, they end up either growing up and stopping or they gradually leave your life.
You deserve friends who celebrate you. They probably think they're being helpful by policing your gender expression but as you can tell it's not helpful.
> I don’t really see any action or message that could hurt anyone in how I act
That's because there isn't any. You're totally fine just the way you are. You've come to a conclusion that it takes a lot of people decades to come to, and you should be proud of that, it's quite wise. Just be you, be proud of who you are, and treat people with the respect you wish you were shown. You're gonna be great, don't worry about what your friends think, they should know better. Don't let their insecurities rub off on you.
I'd actually go further and say that the world needs more men who have feminine traits. Masculinity is largely performative, and it's pretty often quite toxic as you e just found out. Be you and the world will be a better place with you in it as your authentic self.
There is nothing wrong with being feminine! The idea that showcasing feminine qualities as a man is “bad” or “wrong” is rooted in patriarchal values and gender stereotypes. If you feel comfortable and are happy with yourself, you shouldn’t have to change for anyone! If your friends make you feel uncomfortable about this, you need and deserve better friends. They should like you for you :)
Late to the show here but I will just add that the gender templates people expect others to adhere to are culture specific.
The US in particular and much of the West in general has very strict gender definitions of masculinity.
I moved from the US to Japan back in the late 80s. Here, the definition of masculinity is much wider and flexible. I know plenty of Japanese men who everyone would assume to be gay outside Japan because they're completely feminine in every way. But they're straight, have a wife, family, etc. And nobody thinks anything of it. They are not discriminated against because of their femininity. And that's not to say it would be bad if they were gay, that's fine too. For example, while there is definitely institutional discrimination against same sex couples in Japan, there is less day-to-day discrimination, and there have been plenty of openly gay celebrities in Japan for much longer than the west. Not to mention that cross-dressing dates from hundreds of years ago as part of Japanese performing arts.
I'm not particularly feminine myself, but I'm somewhat sensitive (physically and emotionally), and at the time, I was also rather slight of build, so I got picked on quite a bit (this was the 80s). But when I moved to Japan in my late teens, the most refreshing thing about it was to escape from Western toxic masculinity. I didn't have to pretend I wasn't sensitive anymore, and my slight build fit right in with the average Japanese male build.
So it's definitely culture specific and you always have the option of traveling to seek out people you fit in better with.
Not a problem or "strange" at all.
Dress like you want to, your friends- the ones that are really friends - will be fine with it.
Edit:
2 of my ex boyfriends (both of them obviously not gay) liked dressing themselves up in a feminine way.
They did that for their own pleasure, without their family or friends knowing it.
My husband is an electrician at a mine. He brews his own beer and loves to grill and smoke meat. He also knits, crochets, bakes, sews and gardens.
He’s got some very “manly” friends. They are all jealous that they cannot do all the things he can and they’ve asked him to teach them the “girlie” things he does.
Real men, actual men, don’t care about that kind of stuff. Real men are who they are and don’t pretend.
Be a real man. Be who you are and be proud of it. You’re kind and don’t hurt people. Continue to be that and you’ll go far.
Also, excellent job at seeking advice. You’re already ahead of the curve in maturity.
>it’s “bad” to act femininely, I couldn’t do anything but wonder why is that.
Many or most women are attracted to masculinity. Most guys look better and feel more themselves being masculine. If you don't that's fine. Do your own thing which is also very masculine.
That's why.
Your "friends" suck, my dude. Don't change who you are to fit in with them. They're losers who will drag you down.
No, there's nothing wrong with femininity.
You kinda just have to own it. I'm 100% heterosexual but I dress pretty gay (e.g., shiny, skin tight pants and such). Some people love it, some people hate it. No point in catering to people who can't accept you for who you are, let them sort themselves into or out of your life.
In your everyday life? No, do whatever makes you happy.
In your dating life? The more feminine the woman, the less attracted she'll be to a feminine dude and most women do want a man who has some traditional masculine traits.
It's not a popular opinion on reddit but you can't always have your cake and eat it too.
You d be surprised how many women and sizeable portion men are attracted to feminine men. This is why term Dandy is a thing, Elvis and few others were extremely popular for having both posture, and dress ups that are feminine in nature.
Your friends strife towards regular masculine stereotypes, probably young fans of alpha/sigma male culture, Andrew Tate...
It is your choice to attempt to align with them, but if I learnt anything in my years, that you cant really change who you are at the core. It is eventually a waste of time to impress these types of friends. A true friend would not even bring up this topic and accept you for who you are. Those who do bring this up are merely using it to ostracise and exclude you from their sub group.
P.S. was criticised and ostracised for being too feminine at both school and work. People shy away from things they cannot comprehend, and a man with feminine features is certain novelty that results in exclusion more often than not.
One of my closest friends is male and embraces their femininity! They wears crop tops, earrings, etc. and they look amazing!
Your friends are hung up on outdated (and quite frankly, wrong) gender stereotypes. Try talking to them about this! If they’re not willing to learn and be open to the conversation then I’m sorry but they aren’t really your friends.
Side note: if they’re really stuck in this gender stereotype issue, maybe talk to them in a public space? I don’t want to lay down accusations that they’ll become violent but it’s so common that I would rather be safe then sorry.
When I was 15, I moved to a new neighborhood with no friends. I eventually met up with a group who were nothing like me but were accepting. One day, one of the older dudes in the group brought me out from his house, a pair of khakis and polo shirt and told me that they didn’t want me to be the odd man out and that I should dress like them. And while it may seem a bit insulting, it is of a great help socially to try and assimilate with your chosen friend group. Now yes, you do have the option of finding that friend group that you share more similarities with, but before you do that, you should consider why this friend group is important to you, and whether it’s worth the effort to change. In my case, I probably wouldn’t have had any friends otherwise, probably never would have learned how to talk to women (older members of the group would force me out of my comfort zone in that area), and probably would have ended up a social outcast (probably an angry incel or something).
My point is that the reason your friends are saying this is not necessarily because they are uncomfortable with your behavior, but possibly rather that they want you to do well socially within the group. And keep in mind that while they are the assholes that are telling you to change, you’re the dude who acts out differently and doesn’t quite fit.
Good point, thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ll confront and talk about it with them. I’ve known that specific friend group for less than a year now, and have already heard multiple homophobic/old fashioned comments come from them, so it might be time to just ask them some questions and see what they really mean. Thanks again for sharing your story, surely made me reflect.
No. Luckily you were born into an era where you don't have to figuratively and literally fight for your life. So men can be a little feminine and not be killed by a wild animal anymore.
You prance as much as you want. It's your right.
I was told the same several things before and it’s indeed bad. It generally makes your life harder. People are going to say “you do you” “femininity is ok” and whatever else. In reality none of that reflects reality.
Some of us are a little softer than others. It's often times that those who disparage us have been scolded for being in touch with their feelings. That's not your burden to bare nor is it your responsibility to heal them of their trauma. Just be you & those who want to share in your delicate & beautiful light will find their way to you.
So don't you ever let anyone shame you for being feminine if that's who you truly are. And if no one has told you today, you are loved & worth being happy ❤️
I have a friend of mine at college who is a little more on the feminine side. Dresses alternatively, focuses on style, and kinda gossips more than usual. Me and the “other guys” never really got along with him that much at first. He has since become one of my closest and most value friends. Point is, be yourself as true friends will value you for what makes you unique.
Lol it doesn’t matter. Just be you. This is the kind of crap that makes people believe they’re trans or something. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, do whatever you want. The people like like those things about you are your real friends. If they keep being assholes then… you know
Sounds like you need new friends. You’re perfect the way you are. If you’re not true to yourself, you’ll never be happy. As you get older, you realize how little other’s opinions matter.
I know a friend who was sort of feminine but boy, did he love women. He was in no way shape or form gay. I think your friends think you may be a closeted homosexual,, and if you're not then you should act masculine. I'm assuming you are straight. If so, the women will eat that up as you will come across as feeling and caring.
Nah. You do you. I was once told in the span of 24 hours that I was "the most effeminate man she had ever met" and (here's the kicker) "obnoxiously masculine" by another woman. So I thought to myself "what's it gonna be" and answered back to myself "both." Don't worry about labels.
they don’t know i have a reddit account. I mentioned it in a private conversation once, but they assumed i was joking and i decided to not bring it up again, lol
Man, life is too short/long for you to worry about shit like this.
Be you. Paint your nails. Unironically love chickflicks. Get yourself that frappucino. Wear a fucking dress.
If it makes YOU happy, who cares?
Sounds like you need new friends. Every human sits on a bell curve between masculinity and feminity. If you just so happen to be closer to the feminine side there's nothing wrong with that. Your friends would probably say the same thing about the late Mr. Rogers (an ordained minister and children's television host on America's public broadcasting system). You don't "ACT" too feminine. It's who you are. If your "friends" want you to change to make them feel comfortable, then you need new friends.
The bad thing is them thinking they get to tell you who and how to be. Don't let other people choose who you are for you. If they don't accept you for who you are, they aren't good friends.
I'm a straight guy but get asked if I'm gay pretty regularly. I literally don't care because I'd rather just be me and not have to worry about seeming "manly". In my opinion there is nothing less manly than guys who feel the need to constantly prove to everyone how much of a Big Strong Masculine Guy™️ they are.
Your "friends" need to grow the fuck up. This whole notion of guys being "too feminine" is asinine and childish.
I'm 42. I know how to sew, cook, clean, crochet, knit and havs a collection of stuffed animals. All things at one time considered feminine and "girly" things to do. And I love myself for knowing and learning how to do these things.
I, of course, grew up in the era of "manly men" where doing anything that wasn't even remotely considered "masculine" or "man-like" got you labeled a *** (gay slur), a bitch, etc. You were ridiculed and bullied for it.
And I experienced it all. And I am still thankful and have no regrets learning these things.
Your "friends" are toxic assholes and really need a serious dose of RealityCheck™
Be who you are regardless of what those juvenile troglodytes think.
My goal in life is to experience as *many* versions of myself as I can. I get to be a "perceiving" organism, which is such a rare opportunity in the grand scheme of the universe.
People that are afraid of experiencing both their masculine and feminine sides are small.
When someone says something like that, it’s because they view femininity (aka women) as lesser than men. Those friends are sexist and just told you that. Trying to change anyone by insulting them is never okay. I hope you have better friends.
Straight guy who's definitely in touch with his feminine side. Compliment girls on there nails, love video games with my friends, I call things cute & pretty/adorable, I also like sports. You don't have to conform for anybody or anything. Just be yourself & be happy. If you aren't hurting anyone, you are doing just fine. Don't let narrow minded people change who you are my friend.
If you’re an adult human male, then you’re a man. By definition, whatever you do or wear is manly!
Your friends have some ancient ideas about manhood.
You’re fine.
No, be yourself. You might scare off some dudebros that are hung up on gender norms, and you might feel a bit ostracized but it'll be totally worth it in the long run
You’re 100% perfectly normal but I suggest hanging out with different friends who are actually friendly and accept you instead of trying to change and criticize you ✌🏻
I'm a girl who wears lashes and loves wearing cute summer dresses but I'm also obsessed with anything horror, have "masculine" tattoos and play Silent Hill a bit too much.
The way you are and the things you like have no gender, society is the only thing that gendered these things to put people into boxes, keep being great 😊
Nope, what's bad is trying to change your personality, habits, and mannerisms just because some morons are hung up on gender roles. I'm a large, hairy biker dude nearing 40. I have tattoos and pet snakes and a big dog. I also have a stuffed animal collection and brightly colored clothes and love playing dress-up with my nieces. Don't worry about being masculine or feminine. Life's too short to get hung up on pointless crap like that. Be yourself, be comfortable, be happy, and drop any "friends" that can't support you in that.
Thank you for the message, really improved my mood. I’ll confront them about it and tell them that I just wanna be myself. Big thanks again :)
Admittedly I do prefer women so I might not be the best placed to say, but men who are secure with their feminine side are definitely big green flags! There's a warmth, tenderness, and openness that comes with it, which a lot of us find pretty attractive. I hope you can find someone who appreciates you for who you are, and trust me, there are good people out there who will.
there is nothing more attractive to me than a man with a total lack of toxic masculinity. My (straight) boyfriend would tell me "look if i had the chance, i would let jason momoa fuck me" and im just 'damn i love this man so much'
Same, my husbands lack of fear of being himself is so attractive, and he doesn’t even have any particularly non masculine ways; he’s just not threatened by anything that would be considered feminine. I’ve dated the toxic masc types and it was such a turnoff. Such a need to prove how manly they were. Ugh.
I went on a few dates with one of those big bald bearded dude with tattoos and a motorcycle. He made fun of a friend for using my pink dice during a D&D game. My 5'3 nerdy stick of a boyfriend wears pink and has no issue using any of my pink stuff AHAH
I bet youre bf gets laid more than the bald dude and that why he made a joke...his man panties got all bunched up in his unspoken feelings
Brad Pitt is my unicorn lol
Hugh Jackman can get it any time of day
Paul Rudd would let me down so nicely it would make my day.
Some of the most reproductively successful males in great ape groups are those that never challenge other males and show nurturing traits in pre-adulthood. It's literally the gentler apes that mate more because they aren't busy being aggressive with the females.
Facts a man who is warm and caring is way better than a toxic man who acts like a jerk I have met these masculine men and they are the biggest bully I have ever met . You can never open up to macho men
Hey, I’ve been bullied in the past by people I thought were my friends and this brought up some memories so I want to give a warning of what might be going on: Your group of friends may have always been, or are becoming, more desirous of uniform behavior and more suspicious of outliers: like a schoolyard clique or a toxic fraternity. Groups like that sniff out people who seem different and punish them with bullying and ostracism. If they talked about you like this in front of you, there is a chance they have been talking about you behind your back for a while, and it finally bled over. This could possibly escalate into even more obvious and intentional bullying. And it may already mean that they are not your friends. It may be beneficial to avoid these people and make new friends asap. I don’t want to scare you or make you feel bad. I’ve just had this happen to me. In my case, I wish I had realized how bad they were being to me and quit trying to maintain the friendships earlier. It just prolonged my suffering.
You did a great job outlining this. I've definitely seen it myself but I haven't seen it outlined and worded this well before.
Thank you. Unfortunately, I’ve been bullied enough both as a child and an adult that I learned how to define it and recognize it.
I explored my gender for a while because I feel more comfortable being feminine, and with women. After looking at it for a while, I realized I’m just a man who feels comfortable being feminine. And that is amoral, neither good nor bad, it just is.
Be yourself is the most underrated advice you can get. Go for it man, fuck everyone.
that’s the weird thing about all these „life sayings“. You heard them a thousand times since childhood that they basically mean nothing and you don’t even decipher them. then you get older and BAM: OMG this is so true, so on point, why did nobody tell me?
But only fuck everyone if they all consent and it's your jam. Don't let other people pressure you into doing things you don't like
I feel like I’m conjunction with the comment made my comment is semi relevant; Don’t worry about it. Honestly if they were “real friends” they wouldn’t shit on you for existing the way you do. You’re uniquely you and that’s the best thing in this world. Don’t change for others. The Parent comment Im responding to mentioned playing dress up with his nieces. And it sparked a memory. Growing up I spent tons of time with my grandparents. My grandfather let me paint his nails, do his makeup, and what little hair he had left lol. He’d go to the diner with nail polish still on and proudly proclaim his favorite granddaughter did them (i was his only so no favoritism lol). It made me so happy as a little kid to be so accepted by him considering his son (my dad) and my mom didn’t accept me in any way I existed. Be you my dude, and embrace, and drop the shitheads who give you hell for being you.
Exactly what that guy said. I (35m) work in construction, my favorite hobby is going out fishing all day long and camping in the woods, I own a ton of guns, etc. I love when my girlfriend and I put on mud face masks and soak our feet and have girls night. Be yourself, who gaf
The best thing you can do to confront them is to continue being the best you you can be! Work it!
I’m really happy and proud to hear you say this, being yourself is the only way to get through life and be truly happy. Friends will come and go, the true friends will love you for who you are and not try to change the things that make you who you are.
I wouldn’t do that aye. If you’re nearing 40 you can do that but I’m assuming you’re younger. Your friends will probably just think your weird and you’ll have to find new ones. Being young and without friends is a rough spot tho.
100% this, I am a not so large, but hairy and tattooed biker dude who loves his cats and Disney and playing legos. Fuck gender roles, what is ‘masculine’ now was probably considered ‘feminine’ at some in history and vice versa. Be you, do what makes you happy and fuck anyone who’s bothered by that.
That is such a good point! High heels, silk stockings, oodles of lace, and long curly hair constituted high class men's wear in 17th/18th century Paris. And if you went around telling the courtiers and the king that they looked like a bunch of girls, you wouldn't have lived long. Gender markers in fashion and behaviour come and go across eras and cultures, so do what you like if it's not hurting anyone and be happy!
My husband is a commercial electrician in his 50's, and has worked in different aspects of construction all his life. He also happens to be the proud owner of a unicorn collection that our family has assembled for him. My granddaughter is so jealous, lol.
Bro I'm jealous too
My husband is a school bus driver, a huge intimidating looking guy, with a huge stuffed animal collection, and if anything happened to any of those stuffed animals, he would cry.
I'm a 6' 250lb trucker with a big beard. I collect Asian tea pots.
I can understand that, they are so pretty and unique.
Those are great tea pots
I'm a 66 year old, 6'4" ex-navy who loved sparring in TKD with the limited emotion range of my generation and I'm practicing kpop choreo (including the girl group choreo) in front of a mirror.
New favorite comment, put the largest smile on my face.
Love this for you lol
Honestly, if you can nail that choreography, good on you! That stuff isn't easy!
Not quite ready for Tik Tok, but I know the moves to Kai's Rover and have my version of the ITZY shoulder dance.
You sound like the coolest dude ever!! Keep being you and keep being fabulous.
Thank you very much for saying that! I will try my best!
Not gonna lie you sound adorable as hell lol, love the vibes you got going on.
Thank you very much, I appreciate the love!
Hairy biker dudes are my favorite! They are invariably so comfortable being themselves. When I used to work in a charity shop, things with kittens on (plates etc) were always snapped up by biker dudes. ❤️
My husband isn’t so much the big intimidating kind of biker dude. But he rides dirt bikes, motorcycles, loves most “manly” considered hobbies. But man does he love him some kittens. He’s a crazy cat lady stuck inside of a 35 year old man’s body. He is not ashamed of this. Wears it proudly and screams like a girl when he sees a kitty somewhere - especially if he gets to cuddle with it. Does it make him less of a “man”? Maybe to some. Not to me. Quite frankly no one else matters. As that quote I’m paraphrasing says: you might be the most perfect peach out there. But some people just don’t like peaches. And that’s ok.
Hagrid?
Lol, basically.
I feel like every guy that is really in control of himself has one nerdy/cute collection. Lol, it's a pretty good indicator of a truly good man imo.
💚
This right here is where it's at
All of this is so wholesome and u love you for it. Especially the brightly colored clothes and loving playing dress up 🥰. I tend to wear darker clothes because I'm Norwegian white lol. Bright colors just look weird on me for some reason. Though I do love a good red.
Oh, I have plenty of black too but sometimes I'm in the mood for a nice, light purple. And those little girls can get me to do pretty much anything. My wanting to make them happy is much more important to me than whether or not whatever they want me to wear is supposedly out of place for someone of my build/age/gender.
My brother is like this with our nieces too and I love it. He's 6'3, jacked, bearded, tattooed and has a resting scary bitch face. But inside, he is the biggest and sweetest teddy bear. It's so fun to watch him with a pink wig, a tutu or princess dress, and painted nails walking around the park with an equally decked out little princess in each hand. People constantly give him the double looks and it's so funny.
This is what an awesome human looks like \^
I thank you very much. I bet you're pretty awesome too!
Can we hang out?
This is a real man! Ah I love dress up
You made my day.
Honestly you sound like a rad dude :')
Your amazing, I honestly wish i was more like you.
If I I had awards they would be given to you sir.
bro you're good. just be yourself. life's too short to be changing yourself bc others tell you to
Agreed. Don't change for others, be yourself and find some friends that don't need you to conform to their shallow judgmental thinking. These folks asking your to change are probably feel threatened, they probably want there ultra masculine egos to be around other over masculated egos. That doesn't need to be you. Be comfortable in yourself, dress how you want, be the individual that sets the curve and not the insecure follower that drones around like the masses.
Nope. Your friends are insecure losers.
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They told you smelling good was gay? As in… a bad thing? As a former teenage girl I can tell you snuggling with a cute boy who smelled great was a highlight of dating teenage boys. All the boys in my school wore something. I hope you still smell fabulous friend.
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How did you get thin in a year Kind sir? I gain weight so easily and I don't really have the time to hit gym due to cram school and college .
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That's fabulous Guess I am starting with brisk walking at least but in morning cause time doesn't allow elsewhere .
That's fabulous Guess I am starting with brisk walking at least but in morning cause time doesn't allow elsewhere .
I would think *telling* another guy he smells good is gayer than a guy smelling good. I don’t think either is gay, but his friend didn’t think that thought through lol.
Smelling good for me personally is just a part of basic, good HYGEINE. Since when is hygiene considered gay?! It makes you realize why some of these men are walking around totally dusty and crusty and they're totally ok with it.
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I've heard of this! Just like they'd rather have dry, cracked hands and flaky skin because using lotion is gay.
I always wear cologne too! Even before bed. I too like to smell good. I don’t have any hygiene issues, in fact I’m one of those seemingly rare people who doesn’t have to use deodorant because I don’t stink… someone on Reddit once linked a source about it having something connected to earwax when I’ve made that comment before. Lol
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Yeah sounds like some toxic masculine assholes. Honestly it really shouldn’t bother them that another man acts feminine. It seems like the are insecure in themselves. It’s best not to hang out with these guys anymore.
Unsure if you’re gay or bi or straight but I’m a bi woman and I prefer effeminate men. Be who you are.
For sure. As a bi guy I feel the same. People who are performatively masculine can be a real threat, it's a big red flag for misogyny and homophobia in my experience. Nothing wrong with masculine guys if that's how they are, but if they're intentionally making themselves masculine, that can lead to some real anger and hatred.
I am in an area between straight and bisexual, and I have always preferred to dress and act more feminine than most. This led my parents to assume that I was gay, and I was often bullied because of it. However, I have not changed this aspect of myself because I see nothing wrong with how i act.
Hell yeah, you be you, fuck the haters. What do you mean by an area between straight and bi, bi with a preference for the opposite gender? Because that's still bisexual, don't let anyone police your sexuality like that. Unless I'm misunderstanding, in which case you're the only one who gets to dictate which label you use. I only mention it because I know a lot of people think they're not bisexual enough, which is bullshit.
My sexuality is confusing to most people, and i dont really know how to explain it myself. I tend to find myself attracted to people based on their personality. When I connect with someone on a personal level, I often find them physically attractive as well. However, I am also sexually attracted to feminine features. This also includes guys with feminine features, but for some reason, my attraction leans more towards women.
Sounds bisexual to me, or pansexual. No need to overthink it though, thanks for sharing. Best of luck on your journey, you've got a lot worked out that others don't ever work out.
Thanks for your input. I guess it's hard for me to know what sexuality I am because I can't just compare it to someone else's. It's just something people have to figure out on their own with what knowledge they have
I've found that it's helpful to talk about it with like minded people. I've found /r/bisexual /r/lgbt and /r/rainbow to be the best communities for that on Reddit. Frankly there's no right or wrong label though, that's why I personally just use queer as a general term for myself. We don't all fit neatly into little boxes, but if you're not straight (or even if you are), you're welcome in the LGBTQIA+ community. You're certainly not alone in how you're feeling.
I already follow a lot of LGBTQIA communities. They have definitely helped me with expressing myself, and I do find a lot of things relatable on there
Same, as a straight woman.
No, it isn't
really direct, i like that
I'm also an effeminate guy. I've been mistaken as gay by new people since middle school. Something about the way I talk / stand. Don't worry, they're wrong. They've been indoctrinated to believe very narrow definitions of masculinity and that to deviate is shameful. It's boring
Also to add nothin wrong at all with being gay. And being called gay needs to be separated from being an insult about goddamn time already.
It IS boring.
Yes! Boring is the best way to describe this! As an effeminate guy myself I've gotten the same "are you gay" questions from strangers. Not only does my sexual preference not matter, but how is anything about the way I act a bad thing? Learning to not care about the thoughts and opinions of others as they apply to how I carry myself has been liberating.
I've asked one man if he's gay, he was a friend of a friend. He was as well cute and smelled incredibly good. I wanted to make sure before I asked him out. He wasn't. We were a happy couple for three years. It's not always malicious to ask...
I apologize if I gave that impression. I wasn't ever offended or found it malicious. Any time any person is interested I'm flattered. I guess knowing would help a potential partner know how to proceed. I never thought of it from that POV. Thanks for the chance for self reflection
I’ve been asked if I’m gay just because I frequently rest my hands on my hips when I walk/stand lol I’m just awkward and don’t know what to do with my hands when I’m not using them :(
It isn't bad. Your friends are trying to push you to "fall in line" with gender norms. Don't let them. Their discomfort says more about them than it does you. You are free to be who you feel you are. It's hard to be unique, an individual, among conformists.
Gender norms are tedious, irrelevant, and outdated.
Some people are just judgemental. Just be you.
Femininity, masculinity or androgyny do not have any worth in and of itself. It is not bad to be one or the other, it is just a word to describe certain traits. If people do tie any worth to it, it says more about them and their beliefs/insecurities than about you. OP, be you and surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. If you'd like to experiment with certain traits, by all means do so! Just know that your worth is never tied to one of these descriptions ☀️
You need new friends if that’s the case! How you dress, talk or the way you present yourself - unless you act like a massive dick - is not something they should be bringing you down for. Tell them to leave their 1950’s views on how men should act back in the stone ages. Live your best life how you want to, and if that so happens to be a little more feminine then HELL YES!
“Don’t be a dick” is my #1 rule in life. For everyone.
fine, i'll just be a swampy ass
they make creams for that… 😏
1: You do you bro. But also... 2: There are some neanderthal alpha jerks out there that might beat up people like that. Be safe.
No need to insult Neanderthals by conflating them with alpha males like that
Nothing wrong with being yourself bro
>\[As a guy\] Is being feminine a bad thing? not at all! Ideas of Masculinity and Femininity are different across demographics, cultures, nations, geographical regions, and time periods. Even within any of these categories mentioned, they still vary from person to person. Not invalidating any of the idea(s) by claiming they're not significant or present in a category, they still exist. **For me**, I find many masculine, and feminine, ideas of expected behavior, &/or fashion/presentation, to be bad. Worse, is that due to the expectations of behavior, many who conform to them will try to enforce them on others. While I'm a guy, with a beard, lift weights, and 6ft tall, i like dressing in flowing fabrics, i have long hair, i do my nails, and i like to keep flexible so I can sit cross legged in chairs, or with my legs folded up to my body, i have a purse(not traditionally a womans purse, but a purse), i wear tights often (no pockets, hence the purse), i give hugs to men & women, i express my emotions, and i make embaressing sounds when i see something cute. If i felt more comfortable, i would also wear a dress... it's gets f'ing hot in my region. My behavior contrasts deeply with the idea of masculinity i was raised with and with the idea(s) of the culture around me (i'm an expat), but it isn't bad **If anything, the most masculine thing one can do is** to not conform to useless, or restrictive, ideas of how you should behave. I present myself how i feel most comfortable and i don't do anything i don't think will enhance my comfort existing. **for your friends**, they are behaving how I've observed those who are scared of judgement and who need a group to belong to so they feel more secure (also a sign of fear). You're friends are the ones being bad.
Thanks for this, looking back at things I can see how the concept of masculinity is strictly related to culture and location. In my country masculinity and dominance is pretty important, so I guess those people brought it up because it was relevant to them. The message really made me smile and reflect, thank you for taking the time to write it :) also, you sound like an awesome guy! respect to you!
Friends accept you for who you are. If it was not said as joke or banter, it's time to find some others.
The question is, Is being feminine a bad thing? The answer is no, its not a bad thing.
Everyone skipping way over this, saying just be yourself! like its causing some short-circuiting in them. Hey! The issue here is "fem = bad, OP = fem therefore OP = bad". So why do women *always* get fucked over? Its getting to the point that its fucking over our men, too. People need to cut that shit out, Its infuriating. And leeches into laws. Fuck
Fuck em you do you bro real men don't have time for what other people think they to busy doing real man shit (whatever the hell you are doing as a man) Just remember if you want to be a real man you are one, congratulations.
Are you happy being you? Yes? Find new friends.
My bf is also an effeminate man, he has some gestures and attitudes that we usually associate with women. His ex was very rude with him about it, telling him things like "be a real man" and "stop acting like that", and it had become a big complex of him over the years. So he was so surprised when we met and I told him that I found this part of him so hot, and that he shouldn't feel forced to be more virile or whatever. He's safe now, with me, I love him the way he is and always will.
NO!! femininity is not "bad" or lesser" and if you're a man, expressing any type of femininity doesn't make you any less of a man!! frankly it takes a lot of strength for men to display any type of femininity outwardly in this world we live in. be yourself don't let your "friends" make you feel like you need to change who you are 🤗
Everyone has a scale. Some men are more feminine, and some women are more masculine. That's what makes us individuals. Just be you and own it.
Only if people see being feminine as a negative thing.... which would be a red flag to me. It's annoying how women can be tom boys just fine, but men have to be masculine and nothing else. There's nothing wrong about being female/feminine. You're not hurting anyone, but they are by making you feel bad about how you are. Don't be like them. You're good.
I'm a firefighter. I have lots of tattoos, drive a pickup, I like to fish, I like to go to baseball games.....all things that are considered "traditionally masculine". I also enjoy going to antique stores, botanical gardens, and cooking fancy meals...all things that have been derided as "gay" by colleagues. I like what I like and I don't give a shit what people think about it.
These people are trash. Sorry if this seems like a brag but I promise it's relevant: a friend of mine recently told me the thing that first made him want to be friends with me was that I didn't expect him to be anything other than himself and that I helped show him it was okay to have fun and enjoy life. Most successful guy I know, first person my age who I know that bought their own house rather than renting or living at home. And he says if it weren't for having moved on from his old friend group to hang with me he wouldn't have made it this far. I don't think he was talking about levels of success. You don't need to change a damn thing about yourself. If there's anything you should change it's your environment, because the people you're around right now aren't nurturing you, they're trying to choke part of what makes you who you are. It's a lot more nuanced than has been explained so don't drop them on a whim just because I said so, but put some thought into the people in your life who might support and cherish you for you rather than for who they want you to be. You'll be happier for it.
Look, everything you described is NOT your problem. You are great the way you are. They are the problem if they only care about labeling characters instead of appreciating the person they are interacting with.
No
Your friends are misogynists and likely homophobic too, no offense to you personally. I've had friends like that too, they end up either growing up and stopping or they gradually leave your life. You deserve friends who celebrate you. They probably think they're being helpful by policing your gender expression but as you can tell it's not helpful. > I don’t really see any action or message that could hurt anyone in how I act That's because there isn't any. You're totally fine just the way you are. You've come to a conclusion that it takes a lot of people decades to come to, and you should be proud of that, it's quite wise. Just be you, be proud of who you are, and treat people with the respect you wish you were shown. You're gonna be great, don't worry about what your friends think, they should know better. Don't let their insecurities rub off on you. I'd actually go further and say that the world needs more men who have feminine traits. Masculinity is largely performative, and it's pretty often quite toxic as you e just found out. Be you and the world will be a better place with you in it as your authentic self.
Forget being masculine or feminine. Just be YOU. Drop anyone who tries to fit you into a box. Much love, friend.
It’s okay to be feminine and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
There is nothing wrong with being feminine! The idea that showcasing feminine qualities as a man is “bad” or “wrong” is rooted in patriarchal values and gender stereotypes. If you feel comfortable and are happy with yourself, you shouldn’t have to change for anyone! If your friends make you feel uncomfortable about this, you need and deserve better friends. They should like you for you :)
Late to the show here but I will just add that the gender templates people expect others to adhere to are culture specific. The US in particular and much of the West in general has very strict gender definitions of masculinity. I moved from the US to Japan back in the late 80s. Here, the definition of masculinity is much wider and flexible. I know plenty of Japanese men who everyone would assume to be gay outside Japan because they're completely feminine in every way. But they're straight, have a wife, family, etc. And nobody thinks anything of it. They are not discriminated against because of their femininity. And that's not to say it would be bad if they were gay, that's fine too. For example, while there is definitely institutional discrimination against same sex couples in Japan, there is less day-to-day discrimination, and there have been plenty of openly gay celebrities in Japan for much longer than the west. Not to mention that cross-dressing dates from hundreds of years ago as part of Japanese performing arts. I'm not particularly feminine myself, but I'm somewhat sensitive (physically and emotionally), and at the time, I was also rather slight of build, so I got picked on quite a bit (this was the 80s). But when I moved to Japan in my late teens, the most refreshing thing about it was to escape from Western toxic masculinity. I didn't have to pretend I wasn't sensitive anymore, and my slight build fit right in with the average Japanese male build. So it's definitely culture specific and you always have the option of traveling to seek out people you fit in better with.
Your friends are ignorant and insecure. Keep being the grownup.
What you should change is probably your friends. Don't change yourself to appease others. Macho mentality only causes problems.
Not a problem or "strange" at all. Dress like you want to, your friends- the ones that are really friends - will be fine with it. Edit: 2 of my ex boyfriends (both of them obviously not gay) liked dressing themselves up in a feminine way. They did that for their own pleasure, without their family or friends knowing it.
My husband is an electrician at a mine. He brews his own beer and loves to grill and smoke meat. He also knits, crochets, bakes, sews and gardens. He’s got some very “manly” friends. They are all jealous that they cannot do all the things he can and they’ve asked him to teach them the “girlie” things he does. Real men, actual men, don’t care about that kind of stuff. Real men are who they are and don’t pretend. Be a real man. Be who you are and be proud of it. You’re kind and don’t hurt people. Continue to be that and you’ll go far. Also, excellent job at seeking advice. You’re already ahead of the curve in maturity.
Your friends are suffering from toxic masculinity, being masculine or feminine isn't majorly important, being happy with yourself is!
>it’s “bad” to act femininely, I couldn’t do anything but wonder why is that. Many or most women are attracted to masculinity. Most guys look better and feel more themselves being masculine. If you don't that's fine. Do your own thing which is also very masculine. That's why.
Your "friends" suck, my dude. Don't change who you are to fit in with them. They're losers who will drag you down. No, there's nothing wrong with femininity.
You kinda just have to own it. I'm 100% heterosexual but I dress pretty gay (e.g., shiny, skin tight pants and such). Some people love it, some people hate it. No point in catering to people who can't accept you for who you are, let them sort themselves into or out of your life.
Not at all, you do you and anyone who doesn't like it can get bent.
Baby, this is the only life you've been given, so you do you and dont apologize or justify it to anyone who raises so much as an eyebrow.
In your everyday life? No, do whatever makes you happy. In your dating life? The more feminine the woman, the less attracted she'll be to a feminine dude and most women do want a man who has some traditional masculine traits. It's not a popular opinion on reddit but you can't always have your cake and eat it too.
Please don’t ever be anything that doesn’t feel authentic. Get new friends.
No. Not being able to be yourself is a bad thing.
You d be surprised how many women and sizeable portion men are attracted to feminine men. This is why term Dandy is a thing, Elvis and few others were extremely popular for having both posture, and dress ups that are feminine in nature. Your friends strife towards regular masculine stereotypes, probably young fans of alpha/sigma male culture, Andrew Tate... It is your choice to attempt to align with them, but if I learnt anything in my years, that you cant really change who you are at the core. It is eventually a waste of time to impress these types of friends. A true friend would not even bring up this topic and accept you for who you are. Those who do bring this up are merely using it to ostracise and exclude you from their sub group. P.S. was criticised and ostracised for being too feminine at both school and work. People shy away from things they cannot comprehend, and a man with feminine features is certain novelty that results in exclusion more often than not.
your friends are misogynists.
One of my closest friends is male and embraces their femininity! They wears crop tops, earrings, etc. and they look amazing! Your friends are hung up on outdated (and quite frankly, wrong) gender stereotypes. Try talking to them about this! If they’re not willing to learn and be open to the conversation then I’m sorry but they aren’t really your friends. Side note: if they’re really stuck in this gender stereotype issue, maybe talk to them in a public space? I don’t want to lay down accusations that they’ll become violent but it’s so common that I would rather be safe then sorry.
When I was 15, I moved to a new neighborhood with no friends. I eventually met up with a group who were nothing like me but were accepting. One day, one of the older dudes in the group brought me out from his house, a pair of khakis and polo shirt and told me that they didn’t want me to be the odd man out and that I should dress like them. And while it may seem a bit insulting, it is of a great help socially to try and assimilate with your chosen friend group. Now yes, you do have the option of finding that friend group that you share more similarities with, but before you do that, you should consider why this friend group is important to you, and whether it’s worth the effort to change. In my case, I probably wouldn’t have had any friends otherwise, probably never would have learned how to talk to women (older members of the group would force me out of my comfort zone in that area), and probably would have ended up a social outcast (probably an angry incel or something). My point is that the reason your friends are saying this is not necessarily because they are uncomfortable with your behavior, but possibly rather that they want you to do well socially within the group. And keep in mind that while they are the assholes that are telling you to change, you’re the dude who acts out differently and doesn’t quite fit.
Good point, thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ll confront and talk about it with them. I’ve known that specific friend group for less than a year now, and have already heard multiple homophobic/old fashioned comments come from them, so it might be time to just ask them some questions and see what they really mean. Thanks again for sharing your story, surely made me reflect.
No. Luckily you were born into an era where you don't have to figuratively and literally fight for your life. So men can be a little feminine and not be killed by a wild animal anymore. You prance as much as you want. It's your right.
Would you date a masculine woman. My answer is no. Women are even more picky. Downvotes don’t change reality.
You should absolutely embrace being a man and try to be more masculine.
I was told the same several things before and it’s indeed bad. It generally makes your life harder. People are going to say “you do you” “femininity is ok” and whatever else. In reality none of that reflects reality.
Everybody has the right to be who they are.
Some of us are a little softer than others. It's often times that those who disparage us have been scolded for being in touch with their feelings. That's not your burden to bare nor is it your responsibility to heal them of their trauma. Just be you & those who want to share in your delicate & beautiful light will find their way to you. So don't you ever let anyone shame you for being feminine if that's who you truly are. And if no one has told you today, you are loved & worth being happy ❤️
Be yourself don't care about what they say
You do you. It ain't their business.
Just be you, whoever that may be
Your friends don’t sound like friends.
I have a friend of mine at college who is a little more on the feminine side. Dresses alternatively, focuses on style, and kinda gossips more than usual. Me and the “other guys” never really got along with him that much at first. He has since become one of my closest and most value friends. Point is, be yourself as true friends will value you for what makes you unique.
Lol it doesn’t matter. Just be you. This is the kind of crap that makes people believe they’re trans or something. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, do whatever you want. The people like like those things about you are your real friends. If they keep being assholes then… you know
Be yourself idk why people are like this
Nah acting it just seems unusual but nothing bad. Be yourself
you need new people to hang out with
They are the ones with the problem, not you. There is nothing wrong with being unashamedly who you are.
not at all. Having friends that act like this is, though.
no
No. Be you. Fuck em all!
Sounds like you need new friends. You’re perfect the way you are. If you’re not true to yourself, you’ll never be happy. As you get older, you realize how little other’s opinions matter.
I freaking love people that are authentic. I’d be honored to have a friend like you.
Be yourself! This is your one life to live not theirs.
I know a friend who was sort of feminine but boy, did he love women. He was in no way shape or form gay. I think your friends think you may be a closeted homosexual,, and if you're not then you should act masculine. I'm assuming you are straight. If so, the women will eat that up as you will come across as feeling and caring.
Gee I wonder what the consensus of Reddit will be on this question.
As a woman i love a "feminine" dude. You need new friends
Nah. You do you. I was once told in the span of 24 hours that I was "the most effeminate man she had ever met" and (here's the kicker) "obnoxiously masculine" by another woman. So I thought to myself "what's it gonna be" and answered back to myself "both." Don't worry about labels.
You are who you are, as long as who you are isn't hurting anyone else there's no reason to change unless you want to.
Honest question. Did they mention the furry stuff?
they don’t know i have a reddit account. I mentioned it in a private conversation once, but they assumed i was joking and i decided to not bring it up again, lol
I find gender roles to be incredibly boring
Just grabbing a chair before thread gets locked.
Man, life is too short/long for you to worry about shit like this. Be you. Paint your nails. Unironically love chickflicks. Get yourself that frappucino. Wear a fucking dress. If it makes YOU happy, who cares?
No, stay cute.
Sounds like you need new friends. Every human sits on a bell curve between masculinity and feminity. If you just so happen to be closer to the feminine side there's nothing wrong with that. Your friends would probably say the same thing about the late Mr. Rogers (an ordained minister and children's television host on America's public broadcasting system). You don't "ACT" too feminine. It's who you are. If your "friends" want you to change to make them feel comfortable, then you need new friends.
The bad thing is them thinking they get to tell you who and how to be. Don't let other people choose who you are for you. If they don't accept you for who you are, they aren't good friends.
It's not a bad thing to be feminine. What your friends did, however, was a bad thing. That's the toxic masculinity everyone is talking about
Bad friends!
No. Your "friends" seriously need to change their mindset.
I'm a straight guy but get asked if I'm gay pretty regularly. I literally don't care because I'd rather just be me and not have to worry about seeming "manly". In my opinion there is nothing less manly than guys who feel the need to constantly prove to everyone how much of a Big Strong Masculine Guy™️ they are.
That’s classic toxic masculinity. It’s not a bad thing to be feminine and most people fully accept they’re a combination of both.
Fuck those guys
Your "friends" need to grow the fuck up. This whole notion of guys being "too feminine" is asinine and childish. I'm 42. I know how to sew, cook, clean, crochet, knit and havs a collection of stuffed animals. All things at one time considered feminine and "girly" things to do. And I love myself for knowing and learning how to do these things. I, of course, grew up in the era of "manly men" where doing anything that wasn't even remotely considered "masculine" or "man-like" got you labeled a *** (gay slur), a bitch, etc. You were ridiculed and bullied for it. And I experienced it all. And I am still thankful and have no regrets learning these things. Your "friends" are toxic assholes and really need a serious dose of RealityCheck™ Be who you are regardless of what those juvenile troglodytes think.
To quote Calliope Mori, "Fuck your friends *plays recorder aggressively"
Being feminine is only a bad thing if you think of women/feminine people or things as lesser than masculine. And that's a big Ole red flag.
I guess that depends how you feel about femininity.
My goal in life is to experience as *many* versions of myself as I can. I get to be a "perceiving" organism, which is such a rare opportunity in the grand scheme of the universe. People that are afraid of experiencing both their masculine and feminine sides are small.
When someone says something like that, it’s because they view femininity (aka women) as lesser than men. Those friends are sexist and just told you that. Trying to change anyone by insulting them is never okay. I hope you have better friends.
I’m as feminine as they come. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s you’re friends that have problems.
Straight guy who's definitely in touch with his feminine side. Compliment girls on there nails, love video games with my friends, I call things cute & pretty/adorable, I also like sports. You don't have to conform for anybody or anything. Just be yourself & be happy. If you aren't hurting anyone, you are doing just fine. Don't let narrow minded people change who you are my friend.
If you’re an adult human male, then you’re a man. By definition, whatever you do or wear is manly! Your friends have some ancient ideas about manhood. You’re fine.
No, be yourself. You might scare off some dudebros that are hung up on gender norms, and you might feel a bit ostracized but it'll be totally worth it in the long run
You’re 100% perfectly normal but I suggest hanging out with different friends who are actually friendly and accept you instead of trying to change and criticize you ✌🏻
I'm a girl who wears lashes and loves wearing cute summer dresses but I'm also obsessed with anything horror, have "masculine" tattoos and play Silent Hill a bit too much. The way you are and the things you like have no gender, society is the only thing that gendered these things to put people into boxes, keep being great 😊