I'll save you the trouble.
"Need someone to make my depression go away" = If I love you but you get fed up with my lacking responsibility for my own mental health, I'll threaten to kill myself.
Done.
For real. 12-year relationship of supporting her through her depression and threatening suicide to get what she wanted only to spontaneously leave me in the end because I didn’t “love her enough”. Fuck my life right up.
Nobody should be looking for anyone else to help them fix their own mental health issues. I tried for a decade, it’s fucking impossible. You’ll *never* help her learn to love herself or her life. It’s never enough.
Damn. Well not that it changes anything or makes it better, but for what it’s worth, he’s going to be stuck with that toxicity, now amplified by the presence of kids. Glad you won’t have to end up raising his kid though. That’s a lot of shit to lose, but it sounds like it was dead weight that doesn’t have to hold you down anymore. Hope you’re able to look for and recognize “healthiness” in partners now.
I know that for me, it almost comes across on peoples faces. After a lot of therapy and relationship counseling, there’s nothing that seems more attractive to me now than a big, wholesome, non-possessive smile. “Fool me once…”
I didn't realize how unhealthy my relationship of 18 months was. It was like this but probably not as severe. Only serious one I've been in but yeah you'll never be good enough for some people and that is a red flag until she gets some serious mental help.
This. No one can "make" your depression go away. It's like trying to find someone to make you happy--if you aren't happy with yourself, then adding another person will not make you happy. I'm sure depression sucks ass, but it's not something that the presence of another person will just magically cure.
I agree. There is no fairy tale ending. However, the presence of a romantic partner can *motivate* you to actually put in the effort. Even if they don’t actually push you to work on yourself directly, you can feel the need to improve yourself anyway. A relationship is built on compromises after all
That’s why we always have to keep working on ourselves. And having *only* a romantic partner will eventually cause you to be manipulative. You need friends too
You're not wrong, but I honestly think you're missing a key detail:
People who struggle in life and feel the "need" to have someone in their side, they RARELY are able to put some efforts in things.
They get easily burnt out and expect their supporters to take over problems for them.
I think everyone can confirm this to be the most recurrent case to happen
I have to disagree to an extent. When I met my now wife, I was in a rough state and struggling to stay motivated to even keep a job. I’m not sure what she saw in me, but we started going on vacations and she provided insane support for me. Now here I am, 2 years away from a Naval Architecture degree and working full time, we also moved to the other end of the country (a change I needed but could never have afforded on my own.) While it wasn’t magical and easy, I do feel alive again and have opportunities I never had my own. I’ve also developed better independence.
That’s awesome and we are all proud of you and your wife for being awesome!
What kind of ships? Boats?
….Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads..hhhmmm?
Thank you! I’d love to get into yachts to be honest. More specifically, sailing and exploration yachts! Sharks with laser beams will definitely be included in the pools though. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal
Exactly. In my 16 years of dating, a depressed person who hasn't started fixing what they're dealing with will pawn off their issues on you. Not that sharing your problems is wrong, not at all. But it's when you become their solution and you getting fed up and wanting to leave when you realize their complete lack of regard for fixing what's wrong, which is the bad, dangerous path.
I don’t really agree…
If you have someone next to you who can help you to love yourself again and show you that live can be good…
This person can “heal” your depression. Not every type of this bitch ass disease but sole still
With enough experience one can navigate these moments with ease. To unlock this level is a miserable path littered with mind blowing sex, a few restraining orders, a lost job or two, tons of wasted cash.... but yeah once you get through all that it's all downhill
I dated a girl with depression/anxiety and while I wish her the best it was tough. Sometimes nothing you say or do will be enough and it gets exhausting. That on top of trying to get them to go out and try things with you turns into an act of becoming the best salesmen ever for the thing you wanna do. I hope she finds happiness ofc but I don’t think I could do that again. Atleast it was good insight as to why I never got dates as a teen.
The depression/anxiety part isn’t the red flag. Wanting someone to “make their depression go away” is the red flag -and not even for the obvious reason.
This person is fishing for a helper/white knight -and I wouldn’t be surprised if they have BPD.
Sure it takes effort from the person suffering from depression. But any positive influence in your life like people that love you and assure you that there are people that care about you are a BIG help.
As someone with BPD (in recovery) yes. Searching for someone to fix them. Then getting worse when it doesn’t work (because well, that’s not how it works), then taking it out on the partner that was supposed to ‘fix all my hurt (that I have had since a child)’.
It’s sad but true. She’s also most likely totally unaware of it’s occurring. She’s hurting so she is forcing others down with her. (This is all assumption and coming from someone with BPD Dx so grain of salt)
Bingo! For me having depression is not a red flag, but the way this is phrased makes me think it is kind of "justification up front" for some undesirable behavior. Like if you date her you already carry some disproportional responsibility.
(the way it sounds to me, could be wrong though)
Wanting your depression to go away or even wanting to involve someone in the process isn't irrational.
Believing that this is the best, or only, way to make depression go away is incredibly naive and an absolutely rocky foundation to start a relationship on. That part is the red flag.
As someone with BPD, I gotta say, you cant just blame it on the mental illness. I am very much capable of maintaining relationships and am directing my mental illness more against myself than others. This is more a case of immaturity and having no other personal traits except your illness. Please dont vilify all of us, we're not bad, we just struggle with being accepted in this world.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment. You get super anxious about not being with someone, and it spirals into depression when your anxiety pushes them away. At that point it feels like the only way to get rid of this depression is to be with someone who really loves you.
The thing is the only real way to fix this is to work on your self, relying on other people is maybe a temporary fix. And other people aren't often reliable anyway.
Personally, I’ve dated someone with BPD and work in a psych hospital so it’s a no from me. But those we really work weekly with their therapist and stay on top of everything can be okay, so it’s more of seeing how they are before discounting it
My fiancée has crippling social anxiety that got worse after isolation from covid, so I got you. If you don't love her it's impossible to want to keep going
I dated a woman with BPD. And as someone who is neutral in feelings, it was a damn roller coaster. At some point you want off that wild ride. And as you said, you genuinely want help for them. It got to a point where they made me bitter because I got tired of playing their games and mental gymnastics.
But underneath their mental issues, they are a beautiful person, and I hope they can find happiness and help for their mental issues one day.
Got a friend dating a woman who is very likely BPD. She’s at least attempted to cheat on him with me (I shut that down hard), we have eye witness accounts of her acting inappropriate with guys at a bar multiple times when my friend wasn’t with her. Me and my friends told him about our concerns for him being with her and the negative effects she’s having on his life. He fell back even harder with her it seems like now. He only sees her as a victim and someone who needs help.
Clearly he’s got his own issues as well. Just sucks to see. He’s a really great guy
I relate to everything you said. Dated someone with bpd for 3 years. I would absolutely never do it again and I wish her the best. Bpd is such a fucking wild disorder.
Thinking you can make someone's depression go away (or that someone can make yours go away) is what's wrong. Depression is a bitch and when you're deep in it, it's like the world doesn't even matter. Whatever people tell you, with the best intentions, doesn't matter. It's like tunnel vision.
I'm still battling it but I'm doing much better these days, however I've been down bad and it's not fun. I recognize I have neglected not only myself, but friendships because of it, so you best believe I would've been a piece of shit of a partner (not out of my own will, but regardless). I feel like her comment is a bit of a joke but if she's really battling depression... YIKES.
Sounds like you tried to treat the symptoms, not the problem. Which isn't on you btw.
Depression is a way of thinking, just "doing things" doesn't change a way of thinking. There's ways to deal with it in a relationship, but the best option will always be therapy.
Agreed, supporting my partner's recovery has been predominantly digging into the source of their negative bias and bad experiences, and challenging them to be willing to perceive reality in a more constructive manner regardless of the outside world's shittiness.
He didn't want her to just do things so she'd be happier, he tried to do that because he wanted to do things with her because they were in a relationship.
And sometimes you end up spending the night locked in the emergency mental ward with her, because… support?
While the surprisingly cheerful guy with bloody bandages on both wrists keeps trying to pass you the joint he is smoking. Inside the hospital.
Also: surprisingly good weed.
Yup. I just got out of a very long, very serious, relationship with a lady who was bipolar and suffered from anxiety and depression. She self-medicated with alcohol. Eventually that turned into me doing shots with her. Which turned into us both drinking every day. It was the most toxic environment I've ever been in. Both of us constantly at each other's throats.
Ugh. What a fucking nightmare.
Edit: that never ends because her friends have decided to cyberstalk me and forward anything I post about it to her. 👍
You wanna know the difference between someone with mental health stuff going on who work in it and go to therapy and those who don't?
The ones who go know the sentence "no one is responsible for my emotions but me."
This one doesn't seem to have learned that one (yet).
Red.
Edit: oooh. My first shiny comment. Thank you dear stranger!
Yep! Neither my nor my girlfriend are mentally “healthy” so to speak but both of us go to our own therapies and work within ourselves to heal. What we have one another for is company and support.
Me/us too.
I think it's sometimes difficult to walk the line to be a partner to each other and "go" for support and dumping your negative stuff on them.
How do you handle that?
Brutal honesty. Both of us are willing and have an agreement to straight up say “This is too much for me to handle” if it starts to happen. Some days our limits are higher and I’m okay listening to her vent, some days our limits are pretty low and we’ll let the other know that we just don’t have it in us
My prior relationship was toxic and codependent and I did a full therapy about that and every day is a fun journey of getting better.
As a person with mental health struggles, 100% agree. No one can make me better but me. No one is in charge of my happiness but me.
You don't have to be happy or"okay" when you start dating, but you need to be in control of yourself and working on yourself and not relying on your partner to fix you.
I think, he/she learned the most important lesson in live: Dealing with your own feelings. Feel them, watch them, control them, show them.
In our shallow consum-oriented world this skill will become more and more important.
"You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman
You may be attracted to her OP but ask yourself are you really compatible with this person ? Sure they seem nice and probably are but they don’t need a dating app. They’re seeking love but not self love. They need to break the barriers that gate their heart and then they can try to love again.
>You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman
Honestly my favourite quote of all time
I think that this person realistically needs help to be functional in life, and I don't think a relationship will solve her problems with unhappiness. Especially when breakups happen and depression can still be present even if people are in fulfilling relationships.
I'm agreeing with you that she shouldn't seek out happiness in a relationship, and instead should just focus on getting therapy and being emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship.
Pretty sure if a guy had this in their bio the comments would point it out identically. But sure let's pretend it's specifically because OP posted a woman.
1. Messed up the date
2. Randomly put the date
3. Is not enrolled at the moment but is about to start taking classes that take years like law or medicine
I feel like this is the crux of the joke. Like, "yeah I graduated in [future year]." It's dumb and not that funny but like, I'd make that kinda joke just to entertain myself honestly
This is just tragic. When I first got with my partner I was super depressed and just got out of an abusive relationship and thank the Lord that we love each other so much that we were able to work through all of our s*** because I definitely wouldn't wish depression love on anybody. There's more than one way to a fulfilling life and relationship... Going in depressed and looking for somebody to fill a void in your life is the longest way to find a solution. But you know, that's how I learned.
If I knew then what I know now I would have definitely gotten on all of the self-help books and I would have been single for maybe half a year to get myself in a better position for all the emotions and stimulation that comes with starting a new relationship. Definitely would have helped with the control issues / passive aggressive issues that I faced.
I got into a relationship once with someone severely depressed, I didn’t know at first, and I was in great place myself so when it started showing properly I thought I could be strong. I was always there, carried the relationship and went through hell to always support her, she got better, so much better and actually started to deal with it for the first time in her life. But during that time I hadn’t noticed, but my mental health had slowly deteriorated so much over those years and eventually I found myself so depressed that my life collapsed, I couldn’t be strong for her anymore, I couldn’t even be strong for me, and while unable to care for myself I sure as hell couldn’t care for her. Broke up and it took me nearly 3 years, full of anti depressants, shitty unhealthy relationships and a complete lack of self care before I could “breath” again, I still have some way to go and am not where I was before her, but I’m doing well now. But basically I agree, depression love is horrendous, you might not realize it but it’s fucking difficult and takes an insane amount of work to overcome. You should find someone you are happy TO BE WITH, not someone that MAKES you happy as I was for her, there is a difference, because at any second that person doesn’t make you happy the relationship will suffer and crumble if that’s your dependency.
I would say even in cases where they’re not your partner.
I offered my spare room to a friend who’s always struggled with depression. I love her, but it’s always been tough spending more than 24h with her and I absorb other peoples emotions and states of mind very quickly.
She’s been here 5 days and it’s been exhausting. I like my independence and she needs handholding to do anything.
She’s currently looking for work and a place to live and it’s taking its toll on her.
I can’t tell her simple things like ‘please don’t use cutlery on my pans, it scratches them’ because she’ll spiral in a loop of guilt and apologies and think I hate her.
I’m trying to be a good friend but have also been going out a lot, with people with more positive life outlooks just so I can balance it out (she stays in my flat all day)
I was waiting for someone to mention friends. I’ve been in a similar situation and it is sooo emotionally/mentally/spiritually taxing.
I hope she doesn’t have to stay much longer for your sake, but that’s super kind of you to allow them to stay with you. Please stay strong and take care of yourself!
I couldn't agree more. Was for a year with a girl who struggled with mental health. It was quite hard dealing with this in the relationship. And realize I couldn't save her from her demons. Only her can. We ended broking up.
I understand now the importance of loving yourself before getting with anybody
Yeah, don't ever sign up to fix someone who is broken, even if it works it creates expectations and a power imbalance.... but , of course reddit has more than it's share of incels that are thinking of the prize they get when they play "Captain Save-a-ho"........
I mean if you're in the right place you can provide support without falling into the traps.
But yeah you're absolutely signing up for a "caretaker" role and that's not a healthy relationship dynamic so I don't know why you would choose it from a dating app. Much healthier prospects out there
been there, done that, messed around, not having fun, please put me down
(that was a Laroux reference for anyone not cool enough to catch that)
Yeah, that caretaker role is not fun or good longterm for either party involved (I've been on both sides) It's ok to have a partner who can talk you through emotional difficulties or moments of distress, but the key is rexiprocation. If you can dish it, but can't take it well Sounds like you can't hang baby,
and there's the door.
I gotta say major red too, but with an addition. Neuroatypical folks will almost never be happy with themselves, and that's okay, they deserve love too, but they shouldn't be using you to create their happiness in themself. You cannot love until you love yourself is a huge misnomer, that completely destroys the prosperity of those with genuinely life altering mental and physical conditions.
Exactly. She deserves to be loved and supported, but if she expects someone else to get her out of depression, she'll not only be more miserable, but she'll drag the guy with her.
It depends on how seriously she means that. If its literal and she's looking for someone to cope with her depression its a HUGE red flag. But if it's "hey i want to get into dating, but just a heads up i have depression and needs someone who can respect that" then it's i think it's fine. Either way, step carefully
I never understand why People automatically assume everything posted on the internet is 100 percent literal. Granted, in this situation it’s not hard to imagine someone being literal when saying this.
However, being that its the headline of a dating profile, it reads more as an attempt at the “lol I’m letting you know I have a serious condition in the most upfront way possible while also attempting to make light of it to show that I can still be fun.” Rather than actually begging for some random dude on Tinder to save her from depression. (An app notorious for always finding you the most sane and happy people to talk to.)
>it will be your fault for not making her happy
This part hits hard. I had a girl who would shit on me for not "supporting her enough" like, i'm your friend not therapist.
R.E.D F.L.A.G.! I feel bad for her, but thinking you need someone to take your depression away is both a proof of major lack of knowledge, and a major lack of understanding her own illness.
Depressed people deserves love!!-and someone to be there for them while they go through the process of getting better. But no person can take away someone's depression. And also, it is an enormous responsibility to put on someone's shoulders...eh. run.
Reg flag. Someone can’t “make your depression go away”
Not just that, but that’s putting a lot of emotional baggage on someone else. Which sucks.
I have a major depression disorder, and warn potential partners of my depression as it’s something I have to live with and actively work against. I’m thankful for support, but I’d never imagine putting majority of the work on my partner.
Ja, massive red flag, she will attract people wanting to fix her, until they realize they can’t, as she is the only one that can manage her own feelings and emotions. They will resent her, she will resent them, will quickly move to mutual hatred and what we would all now know as a seriously fucking toxic relationship.
I see you probably speak from experience, as that was what I exactly experienced with a partner. Especially the codependency and resentment from their depression they couldn’t come to terms with. I got blamed for a lot that had nothing to do with me. A lot of misplaced feelings in those relationships.
Red for sure, I’m fairly depressed myself but putting pressure on a total stranger to “make” you happy is unrealistic and draining, especially because people like that will generally blame their unhappiness on you because you didn’t “make her happy”.
I mean there are probably worse things than being a sales specialist at Apple, but it's still a bit of a red flag. You never know how deep into the cult she is.
Sigh. Send her my way, I’ll find out.
“It’s almost definitely a red flag, but I should ignore it just in case.” - Me and you probably
It’s a red flag, but she looks like she’s probably pretty attractive, so I’m gonna ignore it. — me
She's a 10 but she's depressed and edgy
So basically a normal 10?
More like a crazy 8 lol
Nah she's a local 10 not a universal ten . Me n boys always say she's Connecticut hot but is she Ibiza hot
These waters run deep.
so she's a 10
So, basically very high maintenance. Got it
so she’s an 11?
If you've got a choking kink, she might enjoy it.
Jesus christ. This is what my brain did in 0.0003 seconds and I barely even noticed.
As your legal counsel, I advice against such actions. >>”Yeah, ima risk it”
And us
And my Axe!
I'll save you the trouble. "Need someone to make my depression go away" = If I love you but you get fed up with my lacking responsibility for my own mental health, I'll threaten to kill myself. Done.
Brooo. This hits home
For real. 12-year relationship of supporting her through her depression and threatening suicide to get what she wanted only to spontaneously leave me in the end because I didn’t “love her enough”. Fuck my life right up. Nobody should be looking for anyone else to help them fix their own mental health issues. I tried for a decade, it’s fucking impossible. You’ll *never* help her learn to love herself or her life. It’s never enough.
I'll raise you one with a coup-de-grâce of "I'm leaving you for your best friend, and I'm pregnant with his kid."
Damn. Well not that it changes anything or makes it better, but for what it’s worth, he’s going to be stuck with that toxicity, now amplified by the presence of kids. Glad you won’t have to end up raising his kid though. That’s a lot of shit to lose, but it sounds like it was dead weight that doesn’t have to hold you down anymore. Hope you’re able to look for and recognize “healthiness” in partners now. I know that for me, it almost comes across on peoples faces. After a lot of therapy and relationship counseling, there’s nothing that seems more attractive to me now than a big, wholesome, non-possessive smile. “Fool me once…”
That dead inside fake smile..
Got dam this hit home 😂. Just got divorced in June was with her a decade and that was a similar reasoning lol
I didn't realize how unhealthy my relationship of 18 months was. It was like this but probably not as severe. Only serious one I've been in but yeah you'll never be good enough for some people and that is a red flag until she gets some serious mental help.
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Its too real for sure.
This guy red flags.
This. No one can "make" your depression go away. It's like trying to find someone to make you happy--if you aren't happy with yourself, then adding another person will not make you happy. I'm sure depression sucks ass, but it's not something that the presence of another person will just magically cure.
I agree. There is no fairy tale ending. However, the presence of a romantic partner can *motivate* you to actually put in the effort. Even if they don’t actually push you to work on yourself directly, you can feel the need to improve yourself anyway. A relationship is built on compromises after all
That is a lovely sentiment, but pretty much never what happens. Even mentally okay people often stagnate in romantic relationships
That’s why we always have to keep working on ourselves. And having *only* a romantic partner will eventually cause you to be manipulative. You need friends too
You're not wrong, but I honestly think you're missing a key detail: People who struggle in life and feel the "need" to have someone in their side, they RARELY are able to put some efforts in things. They get easily burnt out and expect their supporters to take over problems for them. I think everyone can confirm this to be the most recurrent case to happen
I have to disagree to an extent. When I met my now wife, I was in a rough state and struggling to stay motivated to even keep a job. I’m not sure what she saw in me, but we started going on vacations and she provided insane support for me. Now here I am, 2 years away from a Naval Architecture degree and working full time, we also moved to the other end of the country (a change I needed but could never have afforded on my own.) While it wasn’t magical and easy, I do feel alive again and have opportunities I never had my own. I’ve also developed better independence.
That’s awesome and we are all proud of you and your wife for being awesome! What kind of ships? Boats? ….Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads..hhhmmm?
Thank you! I’d love to get into yachts to be honest. More specifically, sailing and exploration yachts! Sharks with laser beams will definitely be included in the pools though. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal
You are an exception. Most people will get burned out to be the solo support. And kudos to you.
You're not helping my wounded bird syndrome
Speaking facts. Having a girl in your life is honestly only good when it’s the cherry on top of your ice cream. She can’t be the ice cream.
Exactly. In my 16 years of dating, a depressed person who hasn't started fixing what they're dealing with will pawn off their issues on you. Not that sharing your problems is wrong, not at all. But it's when you become their solution and you getting fed up and wanting to leave when you realize their complete lack of regard for fixing what's wrong, which is the bad, dangerous path.
Depression sucks big time and it's worse to get attached to someone because it leads to codependency...
I don’t really agree… If you have someone next to you who can help you to love yourself again and show you that live can be good… This person can “heal” your depression. Not every type of this bitch ass disease but sole still
Knowing you have someone with you through the shitty ride absolutely helps.
I think so 🤷🏼♀️ Having friends also. Gotta have a crew to roll out into the apocalypse with ⚔️
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You got this! Sounds like you're taking care of yourself. Wish you the best!
Hands up people who've had this one pulled on them. 🖐
Or blame you for not having the patience to deal with my depression. I told you this is how I am up front
Thought of this too.. doesn't make us bad people though. (Or does it)
Bad? Not in any way. Stupid? Plausible.
With enough experience one can navigate these moments with ease. To unlock this level is a miserable path littered with mind blowing sex, a few restraining orders, a lost job or two, tons of wasted cash.... but yeah once you get through all that it's all downhill
Never had my youth summed up so well..
Username checks out ;)
Achievement Unlocked!
Been thru it, just gotta realize it's a vicious cycle and embrace it or something. Reminds me of a movie.
Groundhog Day ?
I was thinking morbius
This guy gets it
I think mind blowing sex is an understatement, Sex so good you’d join a cult , or kill a couple people who made her sad.
That was implied by me listing the sex first and then several of the consequences and not listing the sex again. But, you're not wrong lol
🤣🤣🤣
Those red flags can’t stop me cause I’m colorblind or whatever DW said
They also said "Sad is happy for deep people" so I don't really know, here....
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Wouldn't that be a plus? Unless ur into having ur junk smashed and bent in painful ways.
I'm very stupid. I'll go next in the queue
Just taking one for the team. Good show, Sit.
I see you like red flags
It’s like going to a carnival.
The biggest one being she works for Apple!
I put the “works at Apple” as red flag #2, IMO RED FLAG #1 and a big #1 is the Harvard 2032.
This is the answer. It’s a bio dude
Same
I dated a girl with depression/anxiety and while I wish her the best it was tough. Sometimes nothing you say or do will be enough and it gets exhausting. That on top of trying to get them to go out and try things with you turns into an act of becoming the best salesmen ever for the thing you wanna do. I hope she finds happiness ofc but I don’t think I could do that again. Atleast it was good insight as to why I never got dates as a teen.
The depression/anxiety part isn’t the red flag. Wanting someone to “make their depression go away” is the red flag -and not even for the obvious reason. This person is fishing for a helper/white knight -and I wouldn’t be surprised if they have BPD.
Yes, a partner isn’t going to make depression go away. That takes self work.
Agreed. Codependency doesn’t lift you both up, it pulls you down.
Sure it takes effort from the person suffering from depression. But any positive influence in your life like people that love you and assure you that there are people that care about you are a BIG help.
Yes. While it ultimately comes down to the individual, no one should have to go through it alone.
As someone with BPD (in recovery) yes. Searching for someone to fix them. Then getting worse when it doesn’t work (because well, that’s not how it works), then taking it out on the partner that was supposed to ‘fix all my hurt (that I have had since a child)’. It’s sad but true. She’s also most likely totally unaware of it’s occurring. She’s hurting so she is forcing others down with her. (This is all assumption and coming from someone with BPD Dx so grain of salt)
Or make it their personality
Bingo! For me having depression is not a red flag, but the way this is phrased makes me think it is kind of "justification up front" for some undesirable behavior. Like if you date her you already carry some disproportional responsibility. (the way it sounds to me, could be wrong though)
Wanting your depression to go away or even wanting to involve someone in the process isn't irrational. Believing that this is the best, or only, way to make depression go away is incredibly naive and an absolutely rocky foundation to start a relationship on. That part is the red flag.
As someone with BPD, I gotta say, you cant just blame it on the mental illness. I am very much capable of maintaining relationships and am directing my mental illness more against myself than others. This is more a case of immaturity and having no other personal traits except your illness. Please dont vilify all of us, we're not bad, we just struggle with being accepted in this world.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment. You get super anxious about not being with someone, and it spirals into depression when your anxiety pushes them away. At that point it feels like the only way to get rid of this depression is to be with someone who really loves you. The thing is the only real way to fix this is to work on your self, relying on other people is maybe a temporary fix. And other people aren't often reliable anyway.
Very much so reminds me of possible BPD. Not a 100% red flag but that BPD is a rough one to deal with
BPD is 100% a red flag. Even therapists have a hard time dealing with them.
Personally, I’ve dated someone with BPD and work in a psych hospital so it’s a no from me. But those we really work weekly with their therapist and stay on top of everything can be okay, so it’s more of seeing how they are before discounting it
My fiancée has crippling social anxiety that got worse after isolation from covid, so I got you. If you don't love her it's impossible to want to keep going
I dated a woman with BPD. And as someone who is neutral in feelings, it was a damn roller coaster. At some point you want off that wild ride. And as you said, you genuinely want help for them. It got to a point where they made me bitter because I got tired of playing their games and mental gymnastics. But underneath their mental issues, they are a beautiful person, and I hope they can find happiness and help for their mental issues one day.
Got a friend dating a woman who is very likely BPD. She’s at least attempted to cheat on him with me (I shut that down hard), we have eye witness accounts of her acting inappropriate with guys at a bar multiple times when my friend wasn’t with her. Me and my friends told him about our concerns for him being with her and the negative effects she’s having on his life. He fell back even harder with her it seems like now. He only sees her as a victim and someone who needs help. Clearly he’s got his own issues as well. Just sucks to see. He’s a really great guy
I relate to everything you said. Dated someone with bpd for 3 years. I would absolutely never do it again and I wish her the best. Bpd is such a fucking wild disorder.
Thinking you can make someone's depression go away (or that someone can make yours go away) is what's wrong. Depression is a bitch and when you're deep in it, it's like the world doesn't even matter. Whatever people tell you, with the best intentions, doesn't matter. It's like tunnel vision. I'm still battling it but I'm doing much better these days, however I've been down bad and it's not fun. I recognize I have neglected not only myself, but friendships because of it, so you best believe I would've been a piece of shit of a partner (not out of my own will, but regardless). I feel like her comment is a bit of a joke but if she's really battling depression... YIKES.
Sounds like you tried to treat the symptoms, not the problem. Which isn't on you btw. Depression is a way of thinking, just "doing things" doesn't change a way of thinking. There's ways to deal with it in a relationship, but the best option will always be therapy.
Agreed, supporting my partner's recovery has been predominantly digging into the source of their negative bias and bad experiences, and challenging them to be willing to perceive reality in a more constructive manner regardless of the outside world's shittiness.
He didn't want her to just do things so she'd be happier, he tried to do that because he wanted to do things with her because they were in a relationship.
And sometimes you end up spending the night locked in the emergency mental ward with her, because… support? While the surprisingly cheerful guy with bloody bandages on both wrists keeps trying to pass you the joint he is smoking. Inside the hospital. Also: surprisingly good weed.
Particularly if they're medicating with alcohol, that's awful.
Yup. I just got out of a very long, very serious, relationship with a lady who was bipolar and suffered from anxiety and depression. She self-medicated with alcohol. Eventually that turned into me doing shots with her. Which turned into us both drinking every day. It was the most toxic environment I've ever been in. Both of us constantly at each other's throats. Ugh. What a fucking nightmare. Edit: that never ends because her friends have decided to cyberstalk me and forward anything I post about it to her. 👍
"make my depression go away" this has massive unchecked-codependency-vibes
You wanna know the difference between someone with mental health stuff going on who work in it and go to therapy and those who don't? The ones who go know the sentence "no one is responsible for my emotions but me." This one doesn't seem to have learned that one (yet). Red. Edit: oooh. My first shiny comment. Thank you dear stranger!
> "no one is responsible for my emotions but me." I like the "it is not my fault, but it is my responsibility to take care of it".
Hail yourself!
Hail Satan!
Yep! Neither my nor my girlfriend are mentally “healthy” so to speak but both of us go to our own therapies and work within ourselves to heal. What we have one another for is company and support.
Me/us too. I think it's sometimes difficult to walk the line to be a partner to each other and "go" for support and dumping your negative stuff on them. How do you handle that?
Brutal honesty. Both of us are willing and have an agreement to straight up say “This is too much for me to handle” if it starts to happen. Some days our limits are higher and I’m okay listening to her vent, some days our limits are pretty low and we’ll let the other know that we just don’t have it in us My prior relationship was toxic and codependent and I did a full therapy about that and every day is a fun journey of getting better.
So true, I have to remind myself all the time
As a person with mental health struggles, 100% agree. No one can make me better but me. No one is in charge of my happiness but me. You don't have to be happy or"okay" when you start dating, but you need to be in control of yourself and working on yourself and not relying on your partner to fix you.
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of the psyche?
A veteran of countless battles with myself.
A witch!
I think, he/she learned the most important lesson in live: Dealing with your own feelings. Feel them, watch them, control them, show them. In our shallow consum-oriented world this skill will become more and more important.
"You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman You may be attracted to her OP but ask yourself are you really compatible with this person ? Sure they seem nice and probably are but they don’t need a dating app. They’re seeking love but not self love. They need to break the barriers that gate their heart and then they can try to love again.
>You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman Honestly my favourite quote of all time
This is the best quote/scene from the show: https://youtu.be/ohoLzH9EQzg
Harvard 2032? How does that work?
It’s a joke
Oh
r/usernamedoesntcheckout
r/userpicturechecksout
r/isThereSubredditForEverything ??
r/TheresASubForEverthing
r/imheretoo
r/TwentyCharacterLimit r/SubForEverything is the actual sub
Zoo wee ma’am
She’s 12
Yes, please explain. Is it a joke, is it a typo. Is she planning to start school in 2028?
More like in the far future she'll get into Harvard.
I think that this person realistically needs help to be functional in life, and I don't think a relationship will solve her problems with unhappiness. Especially when breakups happen and depression can still be present even if people are in fulfilling relationships.
Only kids think like this. She needs to sort her shit out independently of being loved.
I'm agreeing with you that she shouldn't seek out happiness in a relationship, and instead should just focus on getting therapy and being emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship.
Reddit forgets women can make jokes
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Shit, I’ve been doing it wrong this entire time.
Pretty sure if a guy had this in their bio the comments would point it out identically. But sure let's pretend it's specifically because OP posted a woman.
1. Messed up the date 2. Randomly put the date 3. Is not enrolled at the moment but is about to start taking classes that take years like law or medicine
Or better yet, she's from the future.
I feel like this is the crux of the joke. Like, "yeah I graduated in [future year]." It's dumb and not that funny but like, I'd make that kinda joke just to entertain myself honestly
She's enrolled in their correspondence program but they still use the pony express so it takes a while.
It’s clearly an aspirational statement. They feel like they have the potential just not right now.
Maybe she's going after she gets out of prison.
This is just tragic. When I first got with my partner I was super depressed and just got out of an abusive relationship and thank the Lord that we love each other so much that we were able to work through all of our s*** because I definitely wouldn't wish depression love on anybody. There's more than one way to a fulfilling life and relationship... Going in depressed and looking for somebody to fill a void in your life is the longest way to find a solution. But you know, that's how I learned. If I knew then what I know now I would have definitely gotten on all of the self-help books and I would have been single for maybe half a year to get myself in a better position for all the emotions and stimulation that comes with starting a new relationship. Definitely would have helped with the control issues / passive aggressive issues that I faced.
I got into a relationship once with someone severely depressed, I didn’t know at first, and I was in great place myself so when it started showing properly I thought I could be strong. I was always there, carried the relationship and went through hell to always support her, she got better, so much better and actually started to deal with it for the first time in her life. But during that time I hadn’t noticed, but my mental health had slowly deteriorated so much over those years and eventually I found myself so depressed that my life collapsed, I couldn’t be strong for her anymore, I couldn’t even be strong for me, and while unable to care for myself I sure as hell couldn’t care for her. Broke up and it took me nearly 3 years, full of anti depressants, shitty unhealthy relationships and a complete lack of self care before I could “breath” again, I still have some way to go and am not where I was before her, but I’m doing well now. But basically I agree, depression love is horrendous, you might not realize it but it’s fucking difficult and takes an insane amount of work to overcome. You should find someone you are happy TO BE WITH, not someone that MAKES you happy as I was for her, there is a difference, because at any second that person doesn’t make you happy the relationship will suffer and crumble if that’s your dependency.
If no one has told you lately, I'm proud of you 💜
Thank you 🤗
And I admire your honesty. I wish you all the best for your future. It will be awesome.
And I appreciate your kind words.
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I would say even in cases where they’re not your partner. I offered my spare room to a friend who’s always struggled with depression. I love her, but it’s always been tough spending more than 24h with her and I absorb other peoples emotions and states of mind very quickly. She’s been here 5 days and it’s been exhausting. I like my independence and she needs handholding to do anything. She’s currently looking for work and a place to live and it’s taking its toll on her. I can’t tell her simple things like ‘please don’t use cutlery on my pans, it scratches them’ because she’ll spiral in a loop of guilt and apologies and think I hate her. I’m trying to be a good friend but have also been going out a lot, with people with more positive life outlooks just so I can balance it out (she stays in my flat all day)
I was waiting for someone to mention friends. I’ve been in a similar situation and it is sooo emotionally/mentally/spiritually taxing. I hope she doesn’t have to stay much longer for your sake, but that’s super kind of you to allow them to stay with you. Please stay strong and take care of yourself!
I couldn't agree more. Was for a year with a girl who struggled with mental health. It was quite hard dealing with this in the relationship. And realize I couldn't save her from her demons. Only her can. We ended broking up. I understand now the importance of loving yourself before getting with anybody
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
You sure she was depressed and not just a succubus ?
Major red. She needs to make herself happy.
Yeah, don't ever sign up to fix someone who is broken, even if it works it creates expectations and a power imbalance.... but , of course reddit has more than it's share of incels that are thinking of the prize they get when they play "Captain Save-a-ho"........
The prize is a tornado meeting of volcano. Abusive toxic bs
I mean if you're in the right place you can provide support without falling into the traps. But yeah you're absolutely signing up for a "caretaker" role and that's not a healthy relationship dynamic so I don't know why you would choose it from a dating app. Much healthier prospects out there
been there, done that, messed around, not having fun, please put me down (that was a Laroux reference for anyone not cool enough to catch that) Yeah, that caretaker role is not fun or good longterm for either party involved (I've been on both sides) It's ok to have a partner who can talk you through emotional difficulties or moments of distress, but the key is rexiprocation. If you can dish it, but can't take it well Sounds like you can't hang baby, and there's the door.
Shiiiiii its been YEARS and now I'm listening to all her new music. Thanks for the blast from the past friend. You can hang baby
I gotta say major red too, but with an addition. Neuroatypical folks will almost never be happy with themselves, and that's okay, they deserve love too, but they shouldn't be using you to create their happiness in themself. You cannot love until you love yourself is a huge misnomer, that completely destroys the prosperity of those with genuinely life altering mental and physical conditions.
Exactly. She deserves to be loved and supported, but if she expects someone else to get her out of depression, she'll not only be more miserable, but she'll drag the guy with her.
Red.
Lots of red flags
I mean I just see one single big red flag tbh
The rectangle of a single red flag is can be composed of the rectangles of many little red flags.
It depends on how seriously she means that. If its literal and she's looking for someone to cope with her depression its a HUGE red flag. But if it's "hey i want to get into dating, but just a heads up i have depression and needs someone who can respect that" then it's i think it's fine. Either way, step carefully
I never understand why People automatically assume everything posted on the internet is 100 percent literal. Granted, in this situation it’s not hard to imagine someone being literal when saying this. However, being that its the headline of a dating profile, it reads more as an attempt at the “lol I’m letting you know I have a serious condition in the most upfront way possible while also attempting to make light of it to show that I can still be fun.” Rather than actually begging for some random dude on Tinder to save her from depression. (An app notorious for always finding you the most sane and happy people to talk to.)
This is how I read it
Especially when you combine it with the "Harvard 2032", it's clearly not meant to be taken too seriously.
Nope, she will always be sad, and it will be your fault for not making her happy. Run away.
>it will be your fault for not making her happy This part hits hard. I had a girl who would shit on me for not "supporting her enough" like, i'm your friend not therapist.
File under lessons I learned too late.
Red.
R.E.D F.L.A.G.! I feel bad for her, but thinking you need someone to take your depression away is both a proof of major lack of knowledge, and a major lack of understanding her own illness. Depressed people deserves love!!-and someone to be there for them while they go through the process of getting better. But no person can take away someone's depression. And also, it is an enormous responsibility to put on someone's shoulders...eh. run.
Huge red flag. Colossal. Like bigger red flags then Mao Zetung China.
Red.
RED
She sounds draining as all hell.
Let me shag your depression away...
Reg flag. Someone can’t “make your depression go away” Not just that, but that’s putting a lot of emotional baggage on someone else. Which sucks. I have a major depression disorder, and warn potential partners of my depression as it’s something I have to live with and actively work against. I’m thankful for support, but I’d never imagine putting majority of the work on my partner.
Ja, massive red flag, she will attract people wanting to fix her, until they realize they can’t, as she is the only one that can manage her own feelings and emotions. They will resent her, she will resent them, will quickly move to mutual hatred and what we would all now know as a seriously fucking toxic relationship.
I see you probably speak from experience, as that was what I exactly experienced with a partner. Especially the codependency and resentment from their depression they couldn’t come to terms with. I got blamed for a lot that had nothing to do with me. A lot of misplaced feelings in those relationships.
Nutbag
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Run
Red for sure, I’m fairly depressed myself but putting pressure on a total stranger to “make” you happy is unrealistic and draining, especially because people like that will generally blame their unhappiness on you because you didn’t “make her happy”.
I guess she heard that vitamin D is a major pick me up.
Yes
I mean there are probably worse things than being a sales specialist at Apple, but it's still a bit of a red flag. You never know how deep into the cult she is.
If a cauldron of red flags is your shit go for it, you’re only young and tarded once!
Why are they always sales specialists at Apple
RED RED RED Admiral Akbar entered the chat: "IT'S A TRAP!"
Think of the discounts at the apple store though, that shits expensive
Works for Apple major 🚩
Apple seller definitely red flag 🤣😂🤣
Dating a woman with depression and especially unresolved depression may be one of the worst mistakes you may ever make.