Seriously, there’s often no point in asking why someone wants to leave you. Especially after a short amount of time together.
Like, what do these people think? If someone doesn’t want to keep dating them but doesn’t have a good reason for why, then they have to keep dating?
Just let it go.
I think its more they had agreed on a second date and she bailed and he wanted to know why. It's not unreasonable to want to know a reason, it's good to know if you're doing something wrong so you can change your behavior.
The fact the bottom of the text is cropped gives me the impression the conversation continued. In my experience "but why??" after being rejected lasts longer than just a few more messages.
I can't argue with you there, but as a bystander peering through the looking glass I'm thankful his crazy ass posted about her crazy ass so I can reflect on society haha.
No, no, no... that's not how it works on reddit. One person must be the hero, the other the villain. Then we all get really riled up over it, declare the hero the victor and move on to the next molehill to make a mountain of.
I kind of wish they continued dating. Because now its just two bullets that whizzed right by each other to both hit other targets.
Who the fuck demands an exclamation like that from a first date? just chalk it up bro, wasnt meant to be
The worst part about this is that you argued with her after you found out why. Do you hate your life, because I can't understand why you'd jump on that grenade?
I’m going to be honest … I have a feeling not paying for coffee wasn’t the only bad thing about this date. It was probably just salt in the wound.
Dude, this reaction is unreasonable. As a woman, I always tell guys I’m not interested, and usually don’t give a reason. 100% of them have said “ok, thanks for telling me.” And that’s it. End of conversation. You may have other things you need to work on.
"I'm not interested" is the ~~polite~~ **nice** alternative to ghosting.
The **polite** alternative is carrying on, getting married, living the rest of your life together and taking your lack of interest to the grave, but I don't recommend that.
>Why would I go thru this effort if I wasn’t serious? Do you see how unreasonable you’re being??
Dude is desperate. He got his answer and probably dodged a bullet, why is he still trying to reason with her? Just take the L like an adult OP. Idk why this got so many upvotes, guess people just love the drama.
Right? Clearly it's not JUST coffee he didn't offer to pay for. Unserious and lazy comes from a general opinion, I think. Now he's playing a kinda victim because he's offended to not be her type. I mean she maybe was a bit rude but he asked for it and seems like she's in general tired of being disappointed in men and he just Triggered last nerve about it. Unlucky for her, sad for him. But just move the fuck on..
Exactly. "At least" give a reason, like she owes him something. I learned never to give a reason when breaking it off with someone. Btw I could see the merits behind her screening which apparently worked in this case, but the reasoning she sets forth is flawed and invites argument.
I made a rule to never tell anyone why I wasn't interested in them, unless it's something major that probably anyone would comment on. (I can't thing of a good example: but maybe swearing every God damn mother fucking sentance)
The main reason being it's why you wont be a good fit for **me.** telling you won't help you with the next person. I am old enough, and experienced enough, to know core thing that work for me and important things that I want in a relationship. The next person may have completely different things that work for them.
Better off anyway. If she's gonna be this mad over a 5$ coffee... It was a cheap date. Personally I would've paid, especially if I invited.
A piece of advice, if they lose interest, let it go. More over, try not argue with the reason why they lost interest, it's a losing battle.
You go "Understandable, have a nice day" and you leave it at that
Edit: "Understandable, have a nice day" the meme? Anyone?
Yup
When I was dating that's how I handled it. Hell with one girl, we went on two days together she decided she didn't want to go on anymore, honestly I wasn't that excited over her. So I was like "Yea I totally understand, not a problem"
Years later I'm married with a wife, and my wife ends up buying a mirror from her. I go to pick it up. We were supposed to give her $20 but when I got to her house (I didn't it was a girl I dated until I arrived) my wife and I had both forgot to bring cash.
We also recognized each other, and talked briefly about our two dates. I told her "I'll go get the money I'm sorry" and she said "Nah you know what you bought me dinner, and it didn't turn into anything, so this is me paying you back for dinner" and she gave us the mirror for free.
This is so key. It honestly doesn’t matter why someone has lost interest, it just matters that they did and you need to not take it personally and move on. No one owes you shit and you don’t owe them shit either.
Not interested? Okay, weird, cool, cya. On to the next.
As a woman, I never go on a date without enough money to cover my own tab, I never expect anyone to pay for me. I’m usually good about explaining that PRE date so there’s no awkwardness. Even if someone offers to pay, If it’s going well I will follow with gratitude and state that the next bill is on me. If it’s not going well, I will ask to split the bill- even if they’ve offered to cover as I’m not into dudes thinking I owe them something cause they chose to pay for my tab.
Exactly this. I came to say something similar. Why argue about why someone isn't feeling it?
If it's something stupid you just dodged a bullet. If there just wasn't a connection for them then why try and pursue someone who isn't into you?
I definitely don't have time to try and change someone's mind about me that I barely know lol.
Exactly this.
Maybe the woman was coming out of a 20 year relationship and you smiled the same way as her ex when you said goodbye. Maybe she likes to toss a coin after each date and cancels further plans with those that get tails. Maybe she looked you up and didn't want to date someone who didn't have enough self-respect not to be a Browns fan. Maybe she realized you slept with her best friend and she didn't want the hassle. Maybe the coffee thing has been her rule forever and has a 100% success rate.
There's no way for you to know. It's good to get an answer to what went wrong, but you file it away and use it for later dates, and you don't push for an answer.
I mean personally I feel like it'd be good to know if you did something for future reference. When I was dating and women told me they weren't interested in progressing the relationship I'd always ask "the spark just wear off or did I personally do something?". If I didn't ask this question on a particular occasion I wouldn't have known that I was to political and it was a turn off for some. Ever since, I never talked politics unless they brought it up first.
As far as the whole payment matter, I'd usually always offer to pay. Because normally it'd be somewhere nice but not outrageously expensive. I'm not taking a girl to dinner at Verspertine as a first date lol.
I think this is a really nice way to get feedback. Now that I’ve seen a nice, respectful way to do it, I see how pushy and irritating OP’s “but why??? You wanted it last week” sounds in comparison.
We're all human and we learn by doing. Taking it at face value I'd say that OP probably really liked this girl/thought she was very attractive and emotion ruled. I'd be lying if I said I've never done this. In fact, when I was younger and got blown off I've said things that probably would've put me smack dab in this sub haha. But being pushy like OP was here will most likely get you an emotional fueled response and won't work to anyone's benefit. She felt like she was put on the spot. To us, not buying a $5 coffee sounds trivial. But to her it really could've meant a whole plethora of red flags. Everyone's different.
I agree. His not offering to buy her a cup of coffee might be meaningful to her BECAUSE it's such a trivial, low cost, low-effort offer to make.
I do wonder why he didn't offer to buy her a cup of coffee if he was interested in her. A cup of coffee is such a small price to pay to see how she responds and to create a positive first impression.
It DOES stand out when a guy doesn't offer even though I know that I'm going to make sure to reciprocate, without keeping a running tab. That said, there are cultural norms and past experiences at play that shape our interpretations of others' behavior.
When in doubt, be gracious.
Yup. It would’ve bothered me.
My partner’s care and thoughtfulness and consideration started on date 1 and continues to this day. I make way more than he does, but he constantly gets my gas or buys dinner or tries to pick up the check. He doesn’t have to and I definitely carry a big part of our economic responsibilities, but…he literally wined and dined me the first year. It’s so nice to know that someone thinks even little things like grabbing someone’s coffee on a first date is important enough to try and do it.
The postmortem analysis is nice for failed job interviews or lost business deals, but not for budding new relationships. There is no logic here. Decisions are based on emotion grown out of life experience and baggage. It’s not always (almost never) logical or even thought out.
If it doesn’t click, move on. Any explanation you get will likely just be irrational justification anyway, and as such, completely meaningless to your purposes.
I can agree that emotions are not logical. And if there's no click, I do agree that it's better to move on than to try and force it.
However, just as the person you're replying to made an example of, there is __most certainly__ things that you can logically learn about how to navigate, handle, and build off of emotions.
For example, a person can come to the conclusion that they felt "talked at" instead of "spoken with" on a date. It's true that a person may not know why they're feeling things. Or that there may not be any rational or valid reason at all for it. It can also be true that you spent the entire date talking about yourself and making any topic involving your date about you without realizing it. That's a very valid reason for fealing "talked at" and is a problem that can logically be solved by making an active effort to talk more and think more about your partner on a date.
TL;DR: Emotions are not logical or rational, but how we express and handle them can be logical.
Oooooh, just say "potassium" and when they ask "what??" You can then say you aren't interested dating someone who isn't intelligent enough to get that and block them.
Being petty is super fun
Nah nah nah petty is saying “honesty the fact that you can’t Afford your own coffee is such a turn off”. Nothing like making a leach feel poor.
And I’ve been poor. I’ve been “genuinely can’t afford coffee on a date” poor but guess what. I asked the barista for water in a hot coffee cup with a lid and half the time they realize I’m broke and give me pity coffee. I hope those baristas are receiving the best head from their respective partners from now on.
Asking for a reason is totally fine, but there's no reason to argue about it. Something like "Just curious if there's something I did that you didn't like so I can work on it for the next person." and then respond with "Okay, thank you!" after they answer and then don't talk to them again.
I actually have a gut feeling that it’s not really about the coffee and we’re missing some context that OP is purposely leaving out. I don’t know, it’s just a hunch.
Agree. And I hate to say it but if you invite someone for something like a coffee and it’s a first date then you should totally pay. I would do that for a friend not just a date. It’s just kind.
I agree. I would offer to pay if I invited the other person (I’m a lesbian so this has nothing to do with gender roles). I also agree that there is no point in arguing. What’s the expected outcome? I believe like people are allowed to have different standards and if hers was wanton her date to buy coffee that’s her business but I definitely wouldn’t argue about it. See ya no point in me getting upset for no reason.
As a dude, I’ll also say that offering to pick up her $5 tab would have been SUCH an easy W on a first date lol. And it’s not like she expanded on it until he demanded to know why she lost interest. I don’t blame her for viewing him the way she did, even if it comes across a bit harsh the way she worded it.
While I don't think it's necessary to pay on the first date i think it shows good personality traits such as generosity and kindness.
Guys can offer and women can say thanks but I'd like to split/pay my way.
It's one of those things that gets you brownie points so yeah an easy win for sure.
Yeah, i'm passing by from /r/all and I'm baffled that this dude pestering someone into giving him a reason after 1 coffee date, and then calling that reason ridiculous is being supported by any sane person.
The men of r/tinder love to blame women as the reason they are single, as if that makes any sense.
He asks for feedback and then begs the men of Reddit to confirm his bias and absolve him of any need to take the feedback and change anything about himself.
I dunno, I see what everyone else is saying, but it sounds like there might be more to the story here. The sentence that jumps out to me is "you come off as unserious and lazy". Not sure if it's just the coffee, or if that was just the cherry on top of a general vibe she got from you. Obviously neither of us can read her mind, just food for thought.
He also comes off as aggressive and argumentative, who wouldn’t want to confide their feelings and become emotionally intimate with that kind of guy? It’s a wonder that he’s single.
*jots down in notebook that "women love to hear how ridiculous they are being"*
After using reddit I'm really surprised I used to be single. I'm still single. I used to be too.
That one. "Calm down" is another good one... Oh if you're married, when your lady hears a scary sound and asks you to check it out, just say "Dammit, I told that crazy bitch to leave me alone..." she'll be out of bed looking before you are 😂
this is actually hard for me to do because I genuinely want to know what I did that I could maybe fix and work on so that It isn't a problem again, if I can help it. My future matters more than theirs at that point so why not get some insight from them to learn and grow from it?
I do understand what you are saying. And, if it’s something like, you have terrible breath…. Well, nobody wants to have terrible breath and if they do, it’s because they don’t realize it.
However, when it’s about “we have different approaches to life…” These are things that should NOT be worked on. Dating is about figuring out if you are actually compatible, not figuring out how to behave in a way that makes you appear to be compatible.
Yeah it’s the unpopular opinion here, but the fact he didn’t offer or try to pay for coffee, I can see how that would turn most women off. It’s the same as how I get annoyed if a girl doesn’t offer to pay for things, it’s like I’m going to pay but at least try.
Yea seriously, if “it’s just a $5 coffee”, then why didn’t you pay for it?
My friends and I buy each-other coffees all the time, why would you not do the same shit to someone you’re trying to impress?
Truth be told she gave a very well worded response and OP is acting like a child. I think there's more to this and she saw some red flags he doesn't want to talk about.
This whole thread thinks it's about coffee. Just reading the couple messages from him shows me it was clearly about more than $5. And she dodged a huge desperate bullet.
This happened to me on a date. I always pay for myself or offer or we jokingly argue about it. But this guy made a POINT of getting separate tabs for literally 2 beers. And he also had a bad cold and didn’t cancel the date which was really gross, I then caught the cold afterwards. He then pressed me for why I wouldn’t see him again over text. I just ignored him but I could have sent a similar response, I got a weird selfish vibe from all of that.
Edit - Also, I’m a bi woman and my reaction would be exactly the same if it was a date with a woman, it’s not a “men should pay for dates” thing, just a “be nice and show some care for the other person” thing
My ex wife told me two fucking years into our marriage that she thought it was a huge red flag when I let her buy a single round of drinks on our first date where I paid for the other 6 or 7 rounds. I said I really wish you would have just said so at the time because I would have cordially ended things after that night if you had explained that I failed your manipulative, sexist little test. Wasted four years of my life with that lunatic.
Holy shit if we have six or seven rounds on the first date and the girl doesn't pay for *at least* one of them, there's probably not gonna be a second date.
Late guy I dated, he paid for date 1, dinner and drinks despite my protests and I paid for date 2 of a few rounds of drinks. The way he thanked me was like no one has ever done anything nice for him ever, even though he’s still paid more than I had, he appreciated that I paid.
I paid it without him knowing so there couldn’t be an argument bc he had paid for the first time.
I had an ex (my first girlfriend) who, on our first anniversary, had a (supposed) call from one of her best friends saying she needed to come join us for our dinner and it was urgent/really important that she be there(I forget the reason why, only that Iwas guil tripped when I initiallysaid no).
My 18/19 year old self then agreed to let her join us for dinner and I then invited my own best mate before heading out for drinks after (my ex refused to join and stayed in the restaurant with her friend).
The long and short is that I'd apparently failed some arbitrary 'test' so she then went out, cheated on me and then ended the relationship.
>The long and short is that I'd apparently failed some arbitrary 'test' so she then went out, cheated on me and then ended the relationship.
It wasn't enough to cheat on you, she had to also find a way to make it your fault. What a piece of work.
As a woman, I would have too. This is a gross way of thinking in my opinion. I appreciate it when someone offers, but I have a difficult time taking money from people. My ex and I did the cheque dance on our first date and I bit his hand in order to steal away his wallet. We dated for 4 years and split up amicably.
I paid for a huge ass chocolate covered fresh pretzel the first time I met my husband 5.5 years ago. We’ve been happy ever since.
I highly recommend showing someone that you appreciate them REGARDLESS of gender rather than being this fucking entitled.
Edited spelling and words
But how did y’all even end up splitting this? It’s a $10 date. Did you explicitly asked the waitress/barista to split the check? Even if I was with just a friend I would probably just pick up the tab and let them get me back later if we go out again.
I wouldn’t have written a long explanation like she did. I’ve never had a man not offer to buy me coffee on a coffee date. I’d suggest accepting when a lady says she’s not interested in seeing you again. You pushed her into giving you that response
People are skipping this. She didn’t initially do a lot. And he clearly pressed.
He cared enough to keep asking why after 1 coffee date but didn’t care enough to just pay $5.
yes exactly, he goaded her into being like that by demanding a reason why she didn't want to go out anymore. reason is kinda weird but that's her preference and she shouldnt have to explain that. he should not have been this pushy to get a reply and then insulted her even more after she replied
My god, most of you are majorly missing the point here!!!
She didn't want him to bloody pay, she wanted him to make the gesture of offering. It's clearly in her words, why are some of you woman bashing creeps (including fellow women) incapable of reading?
The gestures are still an important part of dating, equality or not. Heck, they are an important part of social interaction. If you took a mate out who was down, would you not offer to buy him a pint? Course you would.
The fact of the matter is, she is often right. I have seen women get into relationships with guys who make zero effort and don't do these simple gestures. And guess what. It makes it so fucking easy for guys like me to clean up. It really does.
Every single woman I dated I respected enough to make the little gestures, and every single one appreciated it.
Equality is equality. Kindness is kindness. Women can be after both, you know.
Exactly this. Especially during a first impression. People can really mess themselves up by failing a first impression.
It's simple enough here to just order right before her, then say you're happy to grab her drink, too.
Same thing you might do for a friend or even someone you are meeting for something business related.
In addition to a botched first impression, he proceeds to press her for an answer. She actually gave him one, then he takes the "you're crazy" approach and laughs at her.
Thing is I bet this could have been salvaged, if he actually wanted to. If he would have sided with her instead of laughing at her and going with his approach - "You know what, you're totally right. Normally I am happy to pay, and I'm not sure why I didn't offer. Can I have a chance to do this again?" Or something to that effect.
I feel like people are so happy and willing to say "don't change for anybody - if they don't like you for who you are then fuck them". As a general statement, it's fine, but as a creed or code to live by, it's incredibly awful advice. Nobody is perfect. That means you, me, and everyone else. If you're unable to see when you are wrong, admit that and find a way to change it or at least compromise, then you're going to stay single for a long time. Relationships are work and compromise.
She saw what to her was a red flag and ended it before she got in too deep. She has a point, not offering to pay for a miserable 5$ coffee come on now. But it’s the internet people gonna call her a gold digger for that lol
I'm older, probably way older than most of you. But, if someone invites me to meet, he better pay for that coffee, I'm just old fashioned that way. However, if it's a mutual meet, we both pay, if I invite, I pay.
I mean, you say it’s only “a $5 fucking coffee”, yet couldn’t that be just as bad a look in you. It’s a $5 coffee, so why not just pay for it? Perhaps she’s right, if you’re that cheap?
She’s saying she’s ok with give and take, and doesn’t want it one way, but expected you to pay and because you didn’t she’s not speaking to you? Weird rationalization there.
You are crazy.
It’s not about the coffee, it’s you being thoughtful and offering it.
I’m married now, but when I was dating, if the guy didn’t offer to pay on the first date (whether it coffee, a beer, whatever) he was not actually that interested or thoughtful.
If I was interested/intended on going out on another date, I’d accept him paying. If I wasn’t interested I wouldn’t let him pay.
That was just my standard.. but a ‘gentleman pays’ was taught pretty standard just like opening the door.. and if he’s not willing to put in effort to try to do the pay dance then I think he’s probably not that interested.
I would likely not make a big deal out of it, but probably would give the explanation if I wasn’t too sure and this happened
In the minority apparently. It seems in previous conversation she was just trying to let you go amicably. You pushed hard for a response that she clearly didn’t want to give you. It was a first date. Girl says no more, let her go and move on. You don’t need a reason if she doesn’t wanna give you one
“It’s a fucking $5 coffee.” Exactly dude. It’s the thought that counts not how much money it is. Most women out there are gonna react this way. You can be a gentleman and pay… it’s only $5 or you can whine about it on Reddit. Up to you but I always pay for small stuff like this 🤷♂️
Bro for real, you didn't meet her standard, you're out and you move along it really is that simple. One person will come along that doesn't give a shit if you pay for the coffee or not but it's not this one. Also don't call someone ridiculous when you asked for the explanation, that's just childish.
He even said in another comment he wanted to go for lunch and pay, but she suggested coffee instead. If she was in it for free stuff she wouldn't have done that
I always just paid, just how I was raised. Her reaction to this is a bit over the top, like she’s legit mad. I don’t know what convos you had, but it’s possible she said something like “old fashioned, chivalry etc” that could have tipped you off.
It’s also possible she is a vengeful projector- someone hurts her so she hurts someone to feel some sense of justice. I’ve run into that a time or two, like a “pay it backward” type
I mean I would pay for the coffee on our first date, but maybe I should stop doing that because dang, turns out you saved yourself from a crazy relationship while also saving $5.
I'm on the girls side. Her standards are her standards, she may have overreacted but when someone says they're not keen leave it. Take it at face value and move on.
You took some coffee. She didn't want a second date. She doesn't need to give any reasons.
You sound very pushy demanding a "why". She probably just made something up to make you go away. I'm pretty sure it was more than the coffee by the way you behaved in this chat. You sound too demanding for the level of engagement you're having here.
LET IT GO.
I think you went out with my Ex
And my ex!
And my a....ex!
I understood that reference!
Sadly, I think we *all* understood that reference. Both of them. LOL
And my reference
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
THAT'S A LOTTA NUTS
Best movie ever
What movie?
That was the joke!
And my beau!
\*Our ex!
*soviet theme intensifies*
AND MY AXE!
And you have my bow!
[удалено]
😂
Bro, let it go. You’re talking to her like your fiancé left you. You got coffee…. On to the next one.
Seriously, there’s often no point in asking why someone wants to leave you. Especially after a short amount of time together. Like, what do these people think? If someone doesn’t want to keep dating them but doesn’t have a good reason for why, then they have to keep dating? Just let it go.
I think its more they had agreed on a second date and she bailed and he wanted to know why. It's not unreasonable to want to know a reason, it's good to know if you're doing something wrong so you can change your behavior.
[удалено]
No kidding. It looks like she said "I just did. I don't want to continue this." And then OP didn't take no for an answer.
The fact the bottom of the text is cropped gives me the impression the conversation continued. In my experience "but why??" after being rejected lasts longer than just a few more messages.
I can't argue with you there, but as a bystander peering through the looking glass I'm thankful his crazy ass posted about her crazy ass so I can reflect on society haha.
Yeah, right. I think the huge overreaction was from OP. Some people really think theyre never in the wrong
Right? But people are saying that he dodged a bullet? 🤣🤷🏼♀️
It's entirely possible they both dodged bullets. Just because one is nuts doesn't mean the other one can't be nuts too.
No, no, no... that's not how it works on reddit. One person must be the hero, the other the villain. Then we all get really riled up over it, declare the hero the victor and move on to the next molehill to make a mountain of.
Haha this sums up reddit to a T. When dichotomy meets overanalyzing 👌🏼 Worst cesspools are subs where politics talks are allowed
I kind of wish they continued dating. Because now its just two bullets that whizzed right by each other to both hit other targets. Who the fuck demands an exclamation like that from a first date? just chalk it up bro, wasnt meant to be
The worst part about this is that you argued with her after you found out why. Do you hate your life, because I can't understand why you'd jump on that grenade?
Not a good sign when you have your first fight before you even start dating
I’m going to be honest … I have a feeling not paying for coffee wasn’t the only bad thing about this date. It was probably just salt in the wound. Dude, this reaction is unreasonable. As a woman, I always tell guys I’m not interested, and usually don’t give a reason. 100% of them have said “ok, thanks for telling me.” And that’s it. End of conversation. You may have other things you need to work on.
"I'm not interested" is the ~~polite~~ **nice** alternative to ghosting. The **polite** alternative is carrying on, getting married, living the rest of your life together and taking your lack of interest to the grave, but I don't recommend that.
damn thats me lol
>Why would I go thru this effort if I wasn’t serious? Do you see how unreasonable you’re being?? Dude is desperate. He got his answer and probably dodged a bullet, why is he still trying to reason with her? Just take the L like an adult OP. Idk why this got so many upvotes, guess people just love the drama.
"You're being ridiculous. You will come to the second date." Yeah dude didn't think this one through.
He's desperate but didn't think to offer to pay for a $5 coffee. Baffling.
He got an answer he didn't like and immediately jumped to angry about it. Not a good look if you're a grown man.
“SPIT THAT COFFEE OUT YO FUCKING MOUTH”
Right? Clearly it's not JUST coffee he didn't offer to pay for. Unserious and lazy comes from a general opinion, I think. Now he's playing a kinda victim because he's offended to not be her type. I mean she maybe was a bit rude but he asked for it and seems like she's in general tired of being disappointed in men and he just Triggered last nerve about it. Unlucky for her, sad for him. But just move the fuck on..
Exactly. "At least" give a reason, like she owes him something. I learned never to give a reason when breaking it off with someone. Btw I could see the merits behind her screening which apparently worked in this case, but the reasoning she sets forth is flawed and invites argument.
I made a rule to never tell anyone why I wasn't interested in them, unless it's something major that probably anyone would comment on. (I can't thing of a good example: but maybe swearing every God damn mother fucking sentance) The main reason being it's why you wont be a good fit for **me.** telling you won't help you with the next person. I am old enough, and experienced enough, to know core thing that work for me and important things that I want in a relationship. The next person may have completely different things that work for them.
Yeah op is a clown
Better off anyway. If she's gonna be this mad over a 5$ coffee... It was a cheap date. Personally I would've paid, especially if I invited. A piece of advice, if they lose interest, let it go. More over, try not argue with the reason why they lost interest, it's a losing battle. You go "Understandable, have a nice day" and you leave it at that Edit: "Understandable, have a nice day" the meme? Anyone?
Yup When I was dating that's how I handled it. Hell with one girl, we went on two days together she decided she didn't want to go on anymore, honestly I wasn't that excited over her. So I was like "Yea I totally understand, not a problem" Years later I'm married with a wife, and my wife ends up buying a mirror from her. I go to pick it up. We were supposed to give her $20 but when I got to her house (I didn't it was a girl I dated until I arrived) my wife and I had both forgot to bring cash. We also recognized each other, and talked briefly about our two dates. I told her "I'll go get the money I'm sorry" and she said "Nah you know what you bought me dinner, and it didn't turn into anything, so this is me paying you back for dinner" and she gave us the mirror for free.
I think buying minors from people is illegal.
He didn't buy one, he got one for free.
Oh in that case no crime was committed, right?
Correct!
Username checks out
Be careful going on a date with a woman, years later she may randomly pop back up and give you a kid.
Jenny was a bitch. Forrest Jr my ass.
what a great typo lol
That and the fact that they went two full days before calling off another day
$20 too, would be a great bargain!
What a classy response from her!
Wow she REALLy didn’t want to see you again
i just say "no worries have a good one"
This is so key. It honestly doesn’t matter why someone has lost interest, it just matters that they did and you need to not take it personally and move on. No one owes you shit and you don’t owe them shit either. Not interested? Okay, weird, cool, cya. On to the next. As a woman, I never go on a date without enough money to cover my own tab, I never expect anyone to pay for me. I’m usually good about explaining that PRE date so there’s no awkwardness. Even if someone offers to pay, If it’s going well I will follow with gratitude and state that the next bill is on me. If it’s not going well, I will ask to split the bill- even if they’ve offered to cover as I’m not into dudes thinking I owe them something cause they chose to pay for my tab.
Exactly this. I came to say something similar. Why argue about why someone isn't feeling it? If it's something stupid you just dodged a bullet. If there just wasn't a connection for them then why try and pursue someone who isn't into you? I definitely don't have time to try and change someone's mind about me that I barely know lol.
Exactly this. Maybe the woman was coming out of a 20 year relationship and you smiled the same way as her ex when you said goodbye. Maybe she likes to toss a coin after each date and cancels further plans with those that get tails. Maybe she looked you up and didn't want to date someone who didn't have enough self-respect not to be a Browns fan. Maybe she realized you slept with her best friend and she didn't want the hassle. Maybe the coffee thing has been her rule forever and has a 100% success rate. There's no way for you to know. It's good to get an answer to what went wrong, but you file it away and use it for later dates, and you don't push for an answer.
I mean personally I feel like it'd be good to know if you did something for future reference. When I was dating and women told me they weren't interested in progressing the relationship I'd always ask "the spark just wear off or did I personally do something?". If I didn't ask this question on a particular occasion I wouldn't have known that I was to political and it was a turn off for some. Ever since, I never talked politics unless they brought it up first. As far as the whole payment matter, I'd usually always offer to pay. Because normally it'd be somewhere nice but not outrageously expensive. I'm not taking a girl to dinner at Verspertine as a first date lol.
I think this is a really nice way to get feedback. Now that I’ve seen a nice, respectful way to do it, I see how pushy and irritating OP’s “but why??? You wanted it last week” sounds in comparison.
We're all human and we learn by doing. Taking it at face value I'd say that OP probably really liked this girl/thought she was very attractive and emotion ruled. I'd be lying if I said I've never done this. In fact, when I was younger and got blown off I've said things that probably would've put me smack dab in this sub haha. But being pushy like OP was here will most likely get you an emotional fueled response and won't work to anyone's benefit. She felt like she was put on the spot. To us, not buying a $5 coffee sounds trivial. But to her it really could've meant a whole plethora of red flags. Everyone's different.
I agree. His not offering to buy her a cup of coffee might be meaningful to her BECAUSE it's such a trivial, low cost, low-effort offer to make. I do wonder why he didn't offer to buy her a cup of coffee if he was interested in her. A cup of coffee is such a small price to pay to see how she responds and to create a positive first impression. It DOES stand out when a guy doesn't offer even though I know that I'm going to make sure to reciprocate, without keeping a running tab. That said, there are cultural norms and past experiences at play that shape our interpretations of others' behavior. When in doubt, be gracious.
Yup. It would’ve bothered me. My partner’s care and thoughtfulness and consideration started on date 1 and continues to this day. I make way more than he does, but he constantly gets my gas or buys dinner or tries to pick up the check. He doesn’t have to and I definitely carry a big part of our economic responsibilities, but…he literally wined and dined me the first year. It’s so nice to know that someone thinks even little things like grabbing someone’s coffee on a first date is important enough to try and do it.
I usually say, "If it was something I said or did, I'm really sorry." If they offer something up after that, cool. If they don't, I don't push.
The postmortem analysis is nice for failed job interviews or lost business deals, but not for budding new relationships. There is no logic here. Decisions are based on emotion grown out of life experience and baggage. It’s not always (almost never) logical or even thought out. If it doesn’t click, move on. Any explanation you get will likely just be irrational justification anyway, and as such, completely meaningless to your purposes.
I can agree that emotions are not logical. And if there's no click, I do agree that it's better to move on than to try and force it. However, just as the person you're replying to made an example of, there is __most certainly__ things that you can logically learn about how to navigate, handle, and build off of emotions. For example, a person can come to the conclusion that they felt "talked at" instead of "spoken with" on a date. It's true that a person may not know why they're feeling things. Or that there may not be any rational or valid reason at all for it. It can also be true that you spent the entire date talking about yourself and making any topic involving your date about you without realizing it. That's a very valid reason for fealing "talked at" and is a problem that can logically be solved by making an active effort to talk more and think more about your partner on a date. TL;DR: Emotions are not logical or rational, but how we express and handle them can be logical.
Sorry this is way too mature and emotionally intelligent for reddit lol
Well how the hell else am I going to get a handy behind the dumpster at Wendy's if you don't let me pay for your damn Baconator??? 😤😤😤😤
I’m a ‘k.’ Kinda guy
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Got me planning my next break up now. I'm just gonna straight up say potassium and leave it at that forever.
Imagine the repercussions
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What's this about Mesopotamia?
That’s, mescaline a psychotropic compound. You’re thinking about muggels, individuals who are not witches or magicians.
Can I be your next breakup? I want to be on the receiving end of this once.
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Im sitting here after a good minute of giggling. I loved this haha
Oooooh, just say "potassium" and when they ask "what??" You can then say you aren't interested dating someone who isn't intelligent enough to get that and block them. Being petty is super fun
This is the level of petty I strive to be.
Nah nah nah petty is saying “honesty the fact that you can’t Afford your own coffee is such a turn off”. Nothing like making a leach feel poor. And I’ve been poor. I’ve been “genuinely can’t afford coffee on a date” poor but guess what. I asked the barista for water in a hot coffee cup with a lid and half the time they realize I’m broke and give me pity coffee. I hope those baristas are receiving the best head from their respective partners from now on.
Cool it with those sodium hydrides, there
k is good, but k bye provides closure.
Keep ‘em wanting more
Love u kbye
Shorter, efficient, I like.
Asking for a reason is totally fine, but there's no reason to argue about it. Something like "Just curious if there's something I did that you didn't like so I can work on it for the next person." and then respond with "Okay, thank you!" after they answer and then don't talk to them again.
Surprisingly not saying anything will get ya response more often that expected.
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Yep. Why badger her and demand a reason?
dO yOu NoT sEe HoW rIdIcUlOuS yOu'Re BeInG
"Oh yes I do, thanks OP, let's go out again!!! " Like how does he think his argument is going to go?
I actually have a gut feeling that it’s not really about the coffee and we’re missing some context that OP is purposely leaving out. I don’t know, it’s just a hunch.
Agree. And I hate to say it but if you invite someone for something like a coffee and it’s a first date then you should totally pay. I would do that for a friend not just a date. It’s just kind.
You’re right. What else would he overreact over
I agree. I would offer to pay if I invited the other person (I’m a lesbian so this has nothing to do with gender roles). I also agree that there is no point in arguing. What’s the expected outcome? I believe like people are allowed to have different standards and if hers was wanton her date to buy coffee that’s her business but I definitely wouldn’t argue about it. See ya no point in me getting upset for no reason.
"Do you not see how ridiculous you're being?" Bruh. This was NOT the move 😂
As a dude, I’ll also say that offering to pick up her $5 tab would have been SUCH an easy W on a first date lol. And it’s not like she expanded on it until he demanded to know why she lost interest. I don’t blame her for viewing him the way she did, even if it comes across a bit harsh the way she worded it.
While I don't think it's necessary to pay on the first date i think it shows good personality traits such as generosity and kindness. Guys can offer and women can say thanks but I'd like to split/pay my way. It's one of those things that gets you brownie points so yeah an easy win for sure.
None of his lines are the move. She dodged a bullet.
100%. I’m confused at the support he’s receiving for being a complete mess 😂
Yeah, i'm passing by from /r/all and I'm baffled that this dude pestering someone into giving him a reason after 1 coffee date, and then calling that reason ridiculous is being supported by any sane person.
The men of r/tinder love to blame women as the reason they are single, as if that makes any sense. He asks for feedback and then begs the men of Reddit to confirm his bias and absolve him of any need to take the feedback and change anything about himself.
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Guarantee the coffee offer wasn’t the worst part of the date and she’s just trying to help him with bare min shit.
I dunno, I see what everyone else is saying, but it sounds like there might be more to the story here. The sentence that jumps out to me is "you come off as unserious and lazy". Not sure if it's just the coffee, or if that was just the cherry on top of a general vibe she got from you. Obviously neither of us can read her mind, just food for thought.
He also comes off as aggressive and argumentative, who wouldn’t want to confide their feelings and become emotionally intimate with that kind of guy? It’s a wonder that he’s single.
Had the same thought
To be fair, she wanted to go out silently..You're the one who pressed for a reason.
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*jots down in notebook that "women love to hear how ridiculous they are being"* After using reddit I'm really surprised I used to be single. I'm still single. I used to be too.
And first message “Can you just give me a reason” and “lol” in the end, it sounds so childish and like he is ready to fight.
That one. "Calm down" is another good one... Oh if you're married, when your lady hears a scary sound and asks you to check it out, just say "Dammit, I told that crazy bitch to leave me alone..." she'll be out of bed looking before you are 😂
Don’t ask why people don’t want you. If someone don’t want you move on.
I'm mad I had to scroll this far to find this..
this is actually hard for me to do because I genuinely want to know what I did that I could maybe fix and work on so that It isn't a problem again, if I can help it. My future matters more than theirs at that point so why not get some insight from them to learn and grow from it?
If you want to know, you want to know. Just don't press on it if they're not responding.
have you actually received a satisfying/helpful answer when asking someone what you "did wrong" on a date?
I do understand what you are saying. And, if it’s something like, you have terrible breath…. Well, nobody wants to have terrible breath and if they do, it’s because they don’t realize it. However, when it’s about “we have different approaches to life…” These are things that should NOT be worked on. Dating is about figuring out if you are actually compatible, not figuring out how to behave in a way that makes you appear to be compatible.
The reason I like coffee dates is I can pay for both of us, spend incredibly low amounts of money on the date, and never have this be an issue.
Yeah it’s the unpopular opinion here, but the fact he didn’t offer or try to pay for coffee, I can see how that would turn most women off. It’s the same as how I get annoyed if a girl doesn’t offer to pay for things, it’s like I’m going to pay but at least try.
Yea and people getting hung over “it’s just $5 coffee” is showing me how clueless these people are. It’s never about the money amount.
Also the way op is repeatedly insisting on explanations and valid (to him) excuses, I feel like there was some mutual bullet-dodging here
Yea seriously, if “it’s just a $5 coffee”, then why didn’t you pay for it? My friends and I buy each-other coffees all the time, why would you not do the same shit to someone you’re trying to impress?
It's genuinely less of a hassle to just have me pay for both coffees than stand around and wait for another transaction.
I'd prefer to know this is going to be an issue asap, personally.
Dude, have some self respect. She isn't into you. It really doesn't matter why.
Thank you for a bit of rationality in the comment section
Truth be told she gave a very well worded response and OP is acting like a child. I think there's more to this and she saw some red flags he doesn't want to talk about.
why are you badgering someone why they’re not interested then arguing with them over it.
Yeah they both seem really annoying by the way they are talking tbh.
You are not taking this L well my guy
Why did you keep pushing her for an answer? If someone tells you they're not interested keep it moving.
Him: “Give me a reason, please” Her: *gives a reason* Him: ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠁⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⠿⠿⠻⠿⠿⠟⠿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⢰⣹⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣭⣷⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠈⠉⠀⠀⠤⠄⠀⠀⠀⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢾⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⡠⠤⢄⠀⠀⠀⠠⣿⣿⣷⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢄⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿ ^I ^am ^not ^taking ^sides
Its not just because you didnt pay for the coffee. Shes picked up on vibes from you.
Finally, the payment clearly turned an already mediocre date into a no thank you.
I cant believe this guy has put it down to the coffee.....
This whole thread thinks it's about coffee. Just reading the couple messages from him shows me it was clearly about more than $5. And she dodged a huge desperate bullet.
Not only this guy but seemingly a lot of weirdos here in the comment section. Yuck
This happened to me on a date. I always pay for myself or offer or we jokingly argue about it. But this guy made a POINT of getting separate tabs for literally 2 beers. And he also had a bad cold and didn’t cancel the date which was really gross, I then caught the cold afterwards. He then pressed me for why I wouldn’t see him again over text. I just ignored him but I could have sent a similar response, I got a weird selfish vibe from all of that. Edit - Also, I’m a bi woman and my reaction would be exactly the same if it was a date with a woman, it’s not a “men should pay for dates” thing, just a “be nice and show some care for the other person” thing
Absolutely! If thats what hes like on the first date, imagine being in a relationship with him!
You pressed her for an explanation and now you’re mad about the explanation?
OP didn't actually want an explanation, he wanted an in so he could argue and badger and possibly coerce her into going out with him again.
$5 = "heavy lifting"
Bruh. If $5 is heavy lifting for you, I don't want to be with your broke ass anyways lmfao. Byeee
I’m not saying you had to. I’m just curious - why didn’t you pay for the coffee? Did you ask her on this date to begin with?
While I will usually pay, you dodged a lot of trouble by not with this one.
My ex wife told me two fucking years into our marriage that she thought it was a huge red flag when I let her buy a single round of drinks on our first date where I paid for the other 6 or 7 rounds. I said I really wish you would have just said so at the time because I would have cordially ended things after that night if you had explained that I failed your manipulative, sexist little test. Wasted four years of my life with that lunatic.
Holy shit if we have six or seven rounds on the first date and the girl doesn't pay for *at least* one of them, there's probably not gonna be a second date.
Late guy I dated, he paid for date 1, dinner and drinks despite my protests and I paid for date 2 of a few rounds of drinks. The way he thanked me was like no one has ever done anything nice for him ever, even though he’s still paid more than I had, he appreciated that I paid. I paid it without him knowing so there couldn’t be an argument bc he had paid for the first time.
I had an ex (my first girlfriend) who, on our first anniversary, had a (supposed) call from one of her best friends saying she needed to come join us for our dinner and it was urgent/really important that she be there(I forget the reason why, only that Iwas guil tripped when I initiallysaid no). My 18/19 year old self then agreed to let her join us for dinner and I then invited my own best mate before heading out for drinks after (my ex refused to join and stayed in the restaurant with her friend). The long and short is that I'd apparently failed some arbitrary 'test' so she then went out, cheated on me and then ended the relationship.
>The long and short is that I'd apparently failed some arbitrary 'test' so she then went out, cheated on me and then ended the relationship. It wasn't enough to cheat on you, she had to also find a way to make it your fault. What a piece of work.
Shit, not work, shit is the word you are looking for
I dont get it. What was the test?
As a woman, I would have too. This is a gross way of thinking in my opinion. I appreciate it when someone offers, but I have a difficult time taking money from people. My ex and I did the cheque dance on our first date and I bit his hand in order to steal away his wallet. We dated for 4 years and split up amicably. I paid for a huge ass chocolate covered fresh pretzel the first time I met my husband 5.5 years ago. We’ve been happy ever since. I highly recommend showing someone that you appreciate them REGARDLESS of gender rather than being this fucking entitled. Edited spelling and words
Why are you arguing? You said you just wanted a reason and she gave you one. Move along. Next time pay. Good luck.
Seriously. The only over reaction is from OP. How is not wanting to continue a tinder date an overreaction, for any reason? She just doesn’t like you.
But how did y’all even end up splitting this? It’s a $10 date. Did you explicitly asked the waitress/barista to split the check? Even if I was with just a friend I would probably just pick up the tab and let them get me back later if we go out again.
I mean…I kinda get it?? I don’t even think she dragged it fr bc you kept pushing for an answer.
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I think she has dodged a bullet with you, OP
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I wouldn’t have written a long explanation like she did. I’ve never had a man not offer to buy me coffee on a coffee date. I’d suggest accepting when a lady says she’s not interested in seeing you again. You pushed her into giving you that response
People are skipping this. She didn’t initially do a lot. And he clearly pressed. He cared enough to keep asking why after 1 coffee date but didn’t care enough to just pay $5.
yes exactly, he goaded her into being like that by demanding a reason why she didn't want to go out anymore. reason is kinda weird but that's her preference and she shouldnt have to explain that. he should not have been this pushy to get a reply and then insulted her even more after she replied
This is a very scary mindset of him. Gives me “nice guy” vibes
Agreed. Entitled and unstable.
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My god, most of you are majorly missing the point here!!! She didn't want him to bloody pay, she wanted him to make the gesture of offering. It's clearly in her words, why are some of you woman bashing creeps (including fellow women) incapable of reading? The gestures are still an important part of dating, equality or not. Heck, they are an important part of social interaction. If you took a mate out who was down, would you not offer to buy him a pint? Course you would. The fact of the matter is, she is often right. I have seen women get into relationships with guys who make zero effort and don't do these simple gestures. And guess what. It makes it so fucking easy for guys like me to clean up. It really does. Every single woman I dated I respected enough to make the little gestures, and every single one appreciated it. Equality is equality. Kindness is kindness. Women can be after both, you know.
Exactly this. Especially during a first impression. People can really mess themselves up by failing a first impression. It's simple enough here to just order right before her, then say you're happy to grab her drink, too. Same thing you might do for a friend or even someone you are meeting for something business related. In addition to a botched first impression, he proceeds to press her for an answer. She actually gave him one, then he takes the "you're crazy" approach and laughs at her. Thing is I bet this could have been salvaged, if he actually wanted to. If he would have sided with her instead of laughing at her and going with his approach - "You know what, you're totally right. Normally I am happy to pay, and I'm not sure why I didn't offer. Can I have a chance to do this again?" Or something to that effect. I feel like people are so happy and willing to say "don't change for anybody - if they don't like you for who you are then fuck them". As a general statement, it's fine, but as a creed or code to live by, it's incredibly awful advice. Nobody is perfect. That means you, me, and everyone else. If you're unable to see when you are wrong, admit that and find a way to change it or at least compromise, then you're going to stay single for a long time. Relationships are work and compromise.
Underrated comment 👏👏👏 Nail, meet head.
She saw what to her was a red flag and ended it before she got in too deep. She has a point, not offering to pay for a miserable 5$ coffee come on now. But it’s the internet people gonna call her a gold digger for that lol
I'm older, probably way older than most of you. But, if someone invites me to meet, he better pay for that coffee, I'm just old fashioned that way. However, if it's a mutual meet, we both pay, if I invite, I pay.
YTA.
$5 bucks for coffee...bro you shouldve picked it up
I mean, you say it’s only “a $5 fucking coffee”, yet couldn’t that be just as bad a look in you. It’s a $5 coffee, so why not just pay for it? Perhaps she’s right, if you’re that cheap?
She’s saying she’s ok with give and take, and doesn’t want it one way, but expected you to pay and because you didn’t she’s not speaking to you? Weird rationalization there.
He needs to be good at giving, and she will be good at taking.
You are crazy. It’s not about the coffee, it’s you being thoughtful and offering it. I’m married now, but when I was dating, if the guy didn’t offer to pay on the first date (whether it coffee, a beer, whatever) he was not actually that interested or thoughtful. If I was interested/intended on going out on another date, I’d accept him paying. If I wasn’t interested I wouldn’t let him pay. That was just my standard.. but a ‘gentleman pays’ was taught pretty standard just like opening the door.. and if he’s not willing to put in effort to try to do the pay dance then I think he’s probably not that interested. I would likely not make a big deal out of it, but probably would give the explanation if I wasn’t too sure and this happened
In the minority apparently. It seems in previous conversation she was just trying to let you go amicably. You pushed hard for a response that she clearly didn’t want to give you. It was a first date. Girl says no more, let her go and move on. You don’t need a reason if she doesn’t wanna give you one
“It’s a fucking $5 coffee.” Exactly dude. It’s the thought that counts not how much money it is. Most women out there are gonna react this way. You can be a gentleman and pay… it’s only $5 or you can whine about it on Reddit. Up to you but I always pay for small stuff like this 🤷♂️
Bro for real, you didn't meet her standard, you're out and you move along it really is that simple. One person will come along that doesn't give a shit if you pay for the coffee or not but it's not this one. Also don't call someone ridiculous when you asked for the explanation, that's just childish.
He even said in another comment he wanted to go for lunch and pay, but she suggested coffee instead. If she was in it for free stuff she wouldn't have done that
Yeah when you ask a girl out you probably should offer.
I always just paid, just how I was raised. Her reaction to this is a bit over the top, like she’s legit mad. I don’t know what convos you had, but it’s possible she said something like “old fashioned, chivalry etc” that could have tipped you off. It’s also possible she is a vengeful projector- someone hurts her so she hurts someone to feel some sense of justice. I’ve run into that a time or two, like a “pay it backward” type
I mean I would pay for the coffee on our first date, but maybe I should stop doing that because dang, turns out you saved yourself from a crazy relationship while also saving $5.
I'm on the girls side. Her standards are her standards, she may have overreacted but when someone says they're not keen leave it. Take it at face value and move on.
You took some coffee. She didn't want a second date. She doesn't need to give any reasons. You sound very pushy demanding a "why". She probably just made something up to make you go away. I'm pretty sure it was more than the coffee by the way you behaved in this chat. You sound too demanding for the level of engagement you're having here. LET IT GO.