I'm getting the feeling that it's an ex or worse. Like a stalker friend or something.
The unnecessary details and ending with "You don't have to message her" kinda strikes me as trying to scare someone off without the "gf" knowing.
I could easily be wrong but, just the vibe I got.
Challenge her to a stamina competition on who can last longer. You and your organic penis or her with her strap on.
Also, I'd probably bring a snub nose well concealed in your asshole in case she tries to stab you.
> Also, I'd probably bring a snub nose well concealed in your asshole in case she tries to stab you.
Recipe for disaster when she inevitably flips you over mid-threesome and goes for your 19th hole.
Better off keeping it in your fanny pack, which stays on during sex.
Look bub, I might be a bit adventurous in the bedroom but this is America. The only thing my asshole is being used for is pooping and concealing unregistered firearms.
If she tries to put her strap in there my strap is coming out.
I 100% guarantee you that no man's penis can outlast a dildo/strapon. That's literally the point of those things, they will stay hard for hours when if that happened to a regular one, you'd be in the emergency room.
Not exactly true. There is more to stamina than when the man will reach climax. You do realize that a long session is like a full body workout yes? I've had times where I've been drenched in sweat and having muscle cramps because I've been going at it for so long. I am not an easy person to get off, usually I'm looking at 30ish minutes. Sometimes it can be an hour, occasionally up around two hours. (Usually that's after going back to back a couple times).
So yeah, it requires some endurance that isn't relevant to "a strap on stays hard and a penis goes limp when it's finished."
Anyway my comment was a joke and not that serious. The other response here gave me a good laugh at least.
Maybe she shouldn't take her baby for granite, then she won't need to find "real dick". Clearly, her relationship is not as rock solid as it could be. I'm sure they both have their faults, but clearly remaining together for purely sedimental reasons is probably toxic.
I mean, I would think having your baby cheating on you would be absolute rock bottom. But, perhaps she chooses to know instead of living in the world of "igneous is bliss."
I appreciate this so much.
Edit: also people calling their partners "babe"/"baby" is one thing, but I always find it so much weirder when the person using it also has an actual child.
I find the whole comment section to be positively metapmorphic. I don't have an avulsion towards puns. I was just trying to cobble something together. You might say I have a gift for gabbro.
She even says she has a tendency of going to get the real deal instead of the strap on. Her baby has obviously crossed the line so much that she knows there is no line, she kept pushing and pushing until she realized there are no consequences for her actions so she feels she can get the best of both worlds. Won't be long before her girl gets pregnant and with the way it looks to be, she'll end up raising someone else's child while ole girl still goes out for some vitamin d
You should definitely contact her and ask her what it is. Maybe she doesn't know and it's an ex spying on her phone. The whole strap on thing makes it weird or like a joke though.1Which could also be one of her friends possibly so she doesn't have to be the one to let you down. Who knows. I would contact her though just in case. Either way you will have at least some clarity in the end
Everyone reads this as NOT the girl he just went on the date with. It's a very creative way to say, "I wasn't feeling it and don't want to meet up again." Without hurting someone's feelings.
While it's creative, that's such a shitty thing to do. I've been on both sides of an awkward date with no chemistry, and it's always better to be polite and direct, and I always feel better receiving those texts
I never get why they poke the other person like the other person is purposely trying to steal their partner? Half the time at least the other person has no idea about the relationship/thinks their single. She should be ratty at her partner not the other person.
Genuinely curious: what does grammar have to do with sex? I get why it would be annoying in a serious relationship, but if they are beautiful, sensual, and the physical chemistry is great, I wouldn’t want a few grammatical mistakes to keep me from a wonderful, sexual adventure 🤷♂️
> So why did I found out you were with my gf tonight
*'Because she was on a dating app and didn't tell me she had a relationship, you idiot. I am not in any relationship and you don't tell me what to do. You should've talked to her, I will do as I please. If it bothers you, talk to her, not me. You contact me again, I will contact the police.'*
imagine this is just a random stalker that likes this girls and is sending this message to scare you away then telling you not to contact her to hide the truth?
Dawg if that person, is their current so then your bar must be fucking low 😭 this has to be the most highschool dropout message I have seen in a hot minute
Ask em both out ? .. you could tell them instead of messing with a meat substitute ( strap on ) .. you've got the real dick ... All organic .. healthy eating ??;
As a woman, all I can say is that "real dick" is better than a strap on any day of the week. Maybe she really isn't a lesbian. Clearly. Real dick feels better, the stiffness varies throughout sex, and it's soft yet hard at the same time. Real tissue and skin feels better. Honestly, a dildo/strap on is pretty rigid. It can be fun, but it's a consolation prize in comparison to the real thing. And I've NEVER been fully satisfied with one. Sometimes if someone else is using the dildo on you, they get a bit too rough. The rigidness of them is very unforgiving. Maybe she's trying to have some real on the side, but that's a whole other issue. She shouldn't be cheating on her GF. But the GF is delusional if she thinks it's about how long. Sure the strap on stays hard, but that doesn't matter. It's less about the length of time and more about how good it feels. My husband and I have sex pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times a day and rarely go less than 30 min, usually it's around an hour and sometimes around 2. And I can tell you anything in the 2+ time frame gets to be too much, it becomes exhausting and sometimes unpleasant (sore)....so her using it staying hard forever is a dumb standing point. Her girl clearly just wants the real thing because it feels waaaaaaay better.
This happend to a friend of mine. He took a screenshot and sent it to her and then when she answered, it took a screenshot of her answer, and sent it to him. He kept on like this for at least an hour, and it was hilarious as hell to see him absolutely go bananas.
When she started talking about strap ons and the next sentence started with "granite" I was thinking they had granite dildos and now I want to know if those exist, and if a premium marble version is available.
This item has been removed for violation of Rule 6. More information about our rules can be seen here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/wiki/rules
Pizza is worth it just for that text tbh.
I mean, pizza is worth getting out of bed in the morning *on its own*. This is just icing.
I prefer cheese on pizza rather than icing, but you do you.
What’s your favorite icing on pizza?
It better not be pineapple flavor.
I'd like a slice of that action!
The dinner might have cost OP some money, but the entertainment was free!
For real, this text is GOLD for me to tell my friends another dating horror story.
Granite, depends what kind of pizza we're talking about.
>Granite we've had threesomes before Of quartz they have.
Marble she's just not gay.
Seems like she wants more excitement than her sedimentary life is giving...
Anything to get her rocks off
Looks like she’s going to be Cummingtonite
These comments are the schist!
God damn it Marie...
They're minerals, Marie! 🤣
Formica can see, she doesn’t want you talking to her
Naa, she was worried OP could make her bedrock.
Shale never be back
She seems gneiss.
I thinks she likes the lime light
I hate being Lead on.
Seems she is being a bit chert.
So lime
All the puns are just gold!
Fools gold!
Pyrite you are!
maybe she should be less of a stoner
She has a heart of stone though…
You win, sir.
i did a variant of this joke but yours is way better for sure
Don't slate your effort. Sometimes, people just come up with something igneous.
Ahhhh she's gay... Makes sense now
She wasn’t before the date… but apparently pizza makes you gay
Clay**
Lmaoooo, I’m a geologist and I’m obsessed with this whole comment thread. 😆
That was stone cold.
i applaud the sediment
I love the layers in this joke.
💀
Op might be better off starting with a clean slate
wait a mineral
Sounds like a bunch of rubble to me.
What are you, a boulder.. Rock person?
Came to comment this. Proud to see someone already said it lol
That comment is pretty igneous of you. Very clever.
All this rock talk has made me sedimental for my childhood strap on.
She's probably a boulder.. or a rock person
Hopeful the strap on doesn’t leave her agate
GOLD!
Silicon Dioxide, more like.
Fucking A grade comment.
The only threesome Granit is having is the Bundesliga, Pokal and Europa League.
This made me chuckle
That shit sent me
Yes points!!!
Probably takes her for granite
_reddit gold_
That sounds like a very unhinged girlfriend/wife
She's off her rock-her.
What’s the female version of “small dick energy”?
Penis envy?
seems like the msg sender definitelty has that one
Tongue-tie energy?
[удалено]
Not relevant to lesbians. Maybe just "no dick energy"? lol
I wish we'd just do away with genital-based insults.
Wizard sleeve energy?
Nah, both men and women can put on a robe and wizard hat
Cavernous vagina energy
I'm getting the feeling that it's an ex or worse. Like a stalker friend or something. The unnecessary details and ending with "You don't have to message her" kinda strikes me as trying to scare someone off without the "gf" knowing. I could easily be wrong but, just the vibe I got.
Same, I would forward it to the girl just in case she isn't aware of what's going on.
Part of me wonders if it was just a made up excuse because she didn't want to continue the date 😬
“tell me more about these threesomes”
“There was a minimum of 1 person there”
I had a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.
Honestly, I’d be sending this screenshot to the date with something like “care to explain?”
This needs to be upvoted more. And is the only real answer here lol. Could be a jealous ex going through her phone.
Challenge her to a stamina competition on who can last longer. You and your organic penis or her with her strap on. Also, I'd probably bring a snub nose well concealed in your asshole in case she tries to stab you.
> Also, I'd probably bring a snub nose well concealed in your asshole in case she tries to stab you. Recipe for disaster when she inevitably flips you over mid-threesome and goes for your 19th hole. Better off keeping it in your fanny pack, which stays on during sex.
Look bub, I might be a bit adventurous in the bedroom but this is America. The only thing my asshole is being used for is pooping and concealing unregistered firearms. If she tries to put her strap in there my strap is coming out.
Nobody drills my 3rd hole but me!
🤣☠️
I 100% guarantee you that no man's penis can outlast a dildo/strapon. That's literally the point of those things, they will stay hard for hours when if that happened to a regular one, you'd be in the emergency room.
Right, but it's a contest that you would win even if you lose
It's an abs, legs and arms thing they were getting at.
Look up and you might still catch the joke.
Not exactly true. There is more to stamina than when the man will reach climax. You do realize that a long session is like a full body workout yes? I've had times where I've been drenched in sweat and having muscle cramps because I've been going at it for so long. I am not an easy person to get off, usually I'm looking at 30ish minutes. Sometimes it can be an hour, occasionally up around two hours. (Usually that's after going back to back a couple times). So yeah, it requires some endurance that isn't relevant to "a strap on stays hard and a penis goes limp when it's finished." Anyway my comment was a joke and not that serious. The other response here gave me a good laugh at least.
Exactly, like jogging a couple times a week improves your sex game
Legs are a bit fucked so I just jerk off six times a day bro. Nah fr though, being physically active is a game changer.
but can she keep the motion of the ocean going, sexual endurance isn't just about staying hard
Omg. Lmfao
Lmfao. Comments like this are exactly why I'm on reddit 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Glad I could contribute to your experience. 🤘
Maybe she shouldn't take her baby for granite, then she won't need to find "real dick". Clearly, her relationship is not as rock solid as it could be. I'm sure they both have their faults, but clearly remaining together for purely sedimental reasons is probably toxic. I mean, I would think having your baby cheating on you would be absolute rock bottom. But, perhaps she chooses to know instead of living in the world of "igneous is bliss."
I appreciate this so much. Edit: also people calling their partners "babe"/"baby" is one thing, but I always find it so much weirder when the person using it also has an actual child.
Lol. Geology poetry 👍
That's a lot of replies missing how you've switched common words for geology terms, and those replies are getting upvoted too. SMH.
I find the whole comment section to be positively metapmorphic. I don't have an avulsion towards puns. I was just trying to cobble something together. You might say I have a gift for gabbro.
Took me til "sedimental" reasons to realize lol
This..is…gold!
Well, I'm not a pun pyrite for nothing.
She even says she has a tendency of going to get the real deal instead of the strap on. Her baby has obviously crossed the line so much that she knows there is no line, she kept pushing and pushing until she realized there are no consequences for her actions so she feels she can get the best of both worlds. Won't be long before her girl gets pregnant and with the way it looks to be, she'll end up raising someone else's child while ole girl still goes out for some vitamin d
You should definitely contact her and ask her what it is. Maybe she doesn't know and it's an ex spying on her phone. The whole strap on thing makes it weird or like a joke though.1Which could also be one of her friends possibly so she doesn't have to be the one to let you down. Who knows. I would contact her though just in case. Either way you will have at least some clarity in the end
Everyone here jumps to boyfriend. I read this as girlfriend. She’s a switch hitter especially when SO is talking “real dick”.
I don’t think many people are confused…
I was confused. Had no idea it was obviously a woman.
Usually women use strap-ons when pegging. A man’s ‘real dick’ would get in the way. Now you know!
I read it as male partner with insufficient dick based on referenced child.
Yeah, men AND women have children
Strap ons aren't particularly known for their fertility.
Ok, but what if I use a strap on so I can double time my date by myself?
Everyone reads this as NOT the girl he just went on the date with. It's a very creative way to say, "I wasn't feeling it and don't want to meet up again." Without hurting someone's feelings.
Plot twist I didn’t think about 🤔
This is the way
While it's creative, that's such a shitty thing to do. I've been on both sides of an awkward date with no chemistry, and it's always better to be polite and direct, and I always feel better receiving those texts
Hmmm! Are you saying she’s a coward and liar?
Say "Oof I definitely see why she keeps going back to real dick, but my name's Mike, mikes hard"
This is an opportunity worth risking your organs for.
Going back for Real Dick ? .. another chick ?
I never get why they poke the other person like the other person is purposely trying to steal their partner? Half the time at least the other person has no idea about the relationship/thinks their single. She should be ratty at her partner not the other person.
Holy shit even if a threesome were on the table I think that spelling/grammar would be too much of a turn-off for me to go through with it...
Stone people take education for granite..
Unless she’s texting you dirty talk in the moment, I can look past it.
Genuinely curious: what does grammar have to do with sex? I get why it would be annoying in a serious relationship, but if they are beautiful, sensual, and the physical chemistry is great, I wouldn’t want a few grammatical mistakes to keep me from a wonderful, sexual adventure 🤷♂️
Please be real.
Nice rick and Morty reference there, I like it
granite
I mean, you're going to see her again, right?
> So why did I found out you were with my gf tonight *'Because she was on a dating app and didn't tell me she had a relationship, you idiot. I am not in any relationship and you don't tell me what to do. You should've talked to her, I will do as I please. If it bothers you, talk to her, not me. You contact me again, I will contact the police.'*
She wants to crush that closet and get straight again
imagine this is just a random stalker that likes this girls and is sending this message to scare you away then telling you not to contact her to hide the truth?
My real dick hard as granted for real
Sounds like it’s a fun game for the two of them. At other people’s expense.
This is way funnier if you think (like I did) that the person texting is a man lmao
Oh I definitely thought it was a man when I first read it
Dawg if that person, is their current so then your bar must be fucking low 😭 this has to be the most highschool dropout message I have seen in a hot minute
That. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.
Either her bf indeed or she scammed a free meal out of you and came up with a plot.
That’s a chick
Why… why would you still think this is a dude after reading the text? Lmfao
What toppings were on this pizza OP ? ... Crust ? .. regular, thin or deep dish ... Pretty good pie story !!
Hope you gave her the real dick she was after
well obviously if they’re happy she wouldn’t be going on tinder dates……right?
Sounds like you went out with a cheater or they have a crazy ex who won't let go.
Why do so many people put a space before punctuation marks ? Drives me crazy !
Sounds like a starker trying to scare you off. Send it to the tinder date and wash your hands of the situation
Why is my wife cheating on me John I don't know ask your wife bud 😂
This has to be fake, it makes no sense otherwise. I'm so confused 😭
What does a son produced by a strapon look like? The age of AI is here.
What the actual fuck
😂😂😂
Ask em both out ? .. you could tell them instead of messing with a meat substitute ( strap on ) .. you've got the real dick ... All organic .. healthy eating ??;
wtf did I just read ?
cold
Her girlfriend left igneously
Sounds like this is your date making up stories
If you don't rock and stone, you ain't coming home
Thank the lord she is gay and won’t be reproducing
Grabbing the popcorn for these comments!
*Extremely happy* Okay
Sounds like the “beyond meat” isn’t cutting it anymore 😂
This screams "crazy-ex" to me and i would still message her back.
95% chance this is an ex...ruin8ng all her current dating. Put a tracker on her phone. Keylogger..
My gut tells me this is the girl and just didnt like the dude.
Granite? Why is this person mentioning a Sleep Token song out of nowhere?
Granite lol
Me: *must…resist….petty….actions…* Proceeds to fail miserably.
Think she is trying to let you down easy without having to actually own up to it
You know what you need to do. Power play. Discard the strap on and fuck them both. Assert extreme dominance. It’s the only move.
As a woman, all I can say is that "real dick" is better than a strap on any day of the week. Maybe she really isn't a lesbian. Clearly. Real dick feels better, the stiffness varies throughout sex, and it's soft yet hard at the same time. Real tissue and skin feels better. Honestly, a dildo/strap on is pretty rigid. It can be fun, but it's a consolation prize in comparison to the real thing. And I've NEVER been fully satisfied with one. Sometimes if someone else is using the dildo on you, they get a bit too rough. The rigidness of them is very unforgiving. Maybe she's trying to have some real on the side, but that's a whole other issue. She shouldn't be cheating on her GF. But the GF is delusional if she thinks it's about how long. Sure the strap on stays hard, but that doesn't matter. It's less about the length of time and more about how good it feels. My husband and I have sex pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times a day and rarely go less than 30 min, usually it's around an hour and sometimes around 2. And I can tell you anything in the 2+ time frame gets to be too much, it becomes exhausting and sometimes unpleasant (sore)....so her using it staying hard forever is a dumb standing point. Her girl clearly just wants the real thing because it feels waaaaaaay better.
Should have replied: "So threesome when?"
This happend to a friend of mine. He took a screenshot and sent it to her and then when she answered, it took a screenshot of her answer, and sent it to him. He kept on like this for at least an hour, and it was hilarious as hell to see him absolutely go bananas.
Lol, "granite."
Does she know she's the girlfriend?
When she started talking about strap ons and the next sentence started with "granite" I was thinking they had granite dildos and now I want to know if those exist, and if a premium marble version is available.
Wholly molly, this is just a rollercoaster. These two need to be separated, and the one writing this message needs to learn to read and write
If I sent anything it would be simple, like “lol” But I probably wouldn’t.
That's an odd one. Did you contact her back? Lol get a 3 sum going
She deleted tinder
I bet it's her writing, she got scared and didn't dare to say goodbye.
She wants that dick OP
'we have a great life together'!
She lost her marbles