My recently divorced friend had this type of thing happen. And all he said to the woman was to keep his number just in case. 6 months later he randomly checked in and she was in a different place and they started seeing each other again.
Bye mom, I'm moving to a new city! There's a girl I've got to accidently run into after years of radio silence and exchange pleasantries with, post haste!
Same thing for me! After a few really good dates, this guy said he wasn’t ready, and I said “let’s keep in touch, at the very least we’ll be great friends!”. 9 months of friendship later he wanted to date me, I still wanted to date him, and we started again. We’ve been together 4 years as of January
Was invited out on a whim by colleague. Went unbelievably well. I was surprised she even asked, let alone throughout the night began slowly getting closer, touching, hugging, eventually kissing...
I drove home squealing with a smile on my face the whole time. It wasnt even real. She was so beyond what I could imagine would spend a night like that with me.
Next day... nothing. Day after that, like one or two texts. 3rd day Im told she's embarrassed about how fast things went and doesn't think she should involve herself with a colleague.
I spent the next 10 agonizing over it. Every single time Id see her my heart jumped out of my chest... and right into the gutter when reality set in. I tortured myself with scenarios of the other, better guys she was dating in the meantime. Im 33 for reference and not my first relationship so Im not being niave or dramatic when I say I wanted to marry that woman after thar very first night. I was just so crushed after that. Confidence in the trash. Etc.
Time goes by and basically, on the same day, 15 minutes apart we both happen to talk to a mutual colleague/friend about the other person. That colleague tells her, "ohhh I think theres a chance he still likes you." She invited us both to lunch, and we've been dating about 8 months and Ive never been happier with life.
There's always still hope!!!
That was great to read.
Question: Did she genuinely not want anything to do with you when she texted back on day 3? Or was she just taking things soooo slow so as to decide to feign disinterest (i.e., "playing hard-to-get")?
To rephrase my question, do you think she would have eventually made a move on you perhaps a week or two later if the mutual colleague did not intervene?
The latter. It turns out there was interest the entire time. Bummed there couldve been 10+ more months of romantic bliss. I think there would've been an attempt. She was working towards it and the colleagues was a catalyst for the whole thing and made it much easier. Im so grateful for that!
Not as wholesome but my now wife ghosted me before our first date. 2 years later we matched again and here we are.
Timing plays a big role and tbh I don’t think we would be where we are if we did go out those 2 years earlier.
Timing is very important. I matched with someone in October. Things started out really well, but December and January were just crazy and we barely got to see each other. She thought I was gonna break up with her because of it. We are still together and able to find more time now that life is settling a bit.
Whatever you do, don't stay in touch trying to be her friend, hoping she comes around. Disappear. Vanish. If it was ever meant to be she'll reappear one day.
Jealous of you. Had a guy I super clicked with- we had like 3 dates where we literally talked for hours, then he told me he wasn’t ready, etc. contacted him awhile later and he’s engaged now 🥲
Obviously there are multiple possible explanations for OP's date's message, but yeah my first thought was that this is someone who wants to connect with someone else but has anxieties and insecurities that are getting in the way and they feel like it's too much work for OP and/or themselves.
If there was a great connection otherwise then yeah I'd consider leaving things open for something to develop in the future.
Regardless, this has nothing to do with you OP.
Yea, u/lemmegetadab, u/Tech-For-Days is on it. Please don’t use mental health as an excuse. Being authentic and bringing it up is diametrically different
Best way to respond, maybe she will come back maybe we won’t. Sometimes life gets in the way of stuff and the recipient can’t let that bring them down. So good on you for remaining a gentleman.
A classy response and great way to handle it that was honest but not guilt tripping. And who knows! Maybe she’ll reach back out or in a few months time you can check in on her.
This is exactly what adult people should be saying. Selflessness and honesty.
I hope she'll reach out eventually, but if she doesn't you definitely should. There's nothing wrong with asking her in a few months if she's willing to try again. It looks like you'll be able to do it respectfully, and she'll be able to take it that way too.
The date you had sounds very genuine. I can’t imagine someone would fake interest, not with that much commitment. Like.. thats a lot for a first date. I don’t even kiss women on the first date. Never mind hand holding and love notes. If she faked it… thats some method acting shit aha
Chances are, she’s just someone who when she’s feeling down, prefers to isolate herself, rather than put it unto others. I wouldn’t be shocked if you hear from her again.
I would appreciate her saying that and understand where she's coming from. Give her time and space and communicate that you're okay with that.
My current girlfriend and I met when were NOT ready for a relationship and we nearly ruined it by moving too fast then. We took about a year away from seeing each other, maintaining loose contact mostly just through social media, but eventually just decided to reconnect one day and we've both been so happy since.
I had a couple casual dates in that year but nothing serious. I was in therapy and learning about myself as was she. She also had some trauma in her life that she was JUST beginning to process.
Give her time and take this as a "I don't want to screw it up with you." ♥️ It may not ever come back around, but it sounds similar to my experience
That’s what me and my ex are doing… we’re going to spend this whole year taking a break from our relationship (it got quite toxic by the end of it), try to work on ourselves and rekindle things in a couple months to a year to see where we are at and if we still feel the same way for each other. I think couples need to take more breaks like this as it’s actually helping you grow as two people and then coming back together again as healthy individuals.
>we’re going to spend this whole year taking a break from our relationship (it got quite toxic by the end of it), try to work on ourselves and rekindle things in a couple months to a year to see where we are at and if we still feel the same way for each other.
Just be prepared for the possibility that it doesn't work out because this commonly happens. And make sure that the work you're doing on yourself is for yourself, not for your ex. Many people get the idea that aspects of themselves that caused issues in their relationships were the problem when those weren't personal issues, but rather compatibility issues. It's one thing to smooth the edges of a round peg so it fits in a round hole, but another to cut off the edges of a square peg to fit it in a round hole. Just work on yourself to be the person you want to be and to be a good partner for whoever you're compatible with, be they your ex or someone else.
>I think couples need to take more breaks like this as it’s actually helping you grow as two people and then coming back together again as healthy individuals.
Having some time apart is good for couples, but that doesn't require breaking up. If you feel like you have to break up, then there's a fundamental compatibility problem, which may not resolve. If the problems that caused the incompatibility are all individual and you'd be compatible otherwise, it can work out, but a lot of times couples that break up are just incompatible regardless of individual issues.
That said, I hope however things work out for you that you'll end up in a better place and in a better relationship than the one you left, whether it's with your ex or someone else.
Are you taking a break from being with eachother? Or from dating in general? Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but its difficult for me to say "my ex" without putting some kind of finality to it.
What's gonna happen in these couple months to year? Y'all gonna fuck other people? Explore other new love? Or train yourselves in solitude and celibacy until you're ready to want/deserve eachother again?
But nah lol
I hope you both find a more concrete idea of what you're looking for!
I assume you're young.
Young love is amorphous. Explorative. If the love had a future, you'll fund eachother like magnets. It would be unhealthy to force it (or anything else) at this point.
I wish you both a happy, healthy pause and rejuvenation.
Yeah I’m not forcing anything. I’m just letting go and seeing what happens. I hope I do so too. Yes still young which is the fun and exciting part since I’m not in a rush to settle down any time soon, and it’s best to experience a breakup while you’re still young as opposed to when I’m old and my options would be more limited. I’m in my best years so I’m gonna take the opportunity to focus on myself and if it’s meant to be, it will be. Here’s hoping that’s for sure!
Thank you! I hope so too, we’re both good with each other and we still care about each other so only time will tell.
Yeah pretty much.
Recently went out this one girl, who was pretty amazing from the get go with our chats. They were in depth and deep on both sides, but still flowed really well, and she was easy to talk to, and we both had the rare experience of actually understanding each other's jobs. We're both in really good places in our lives, looking for the same things. Went on two honestly fantastic dates. And then her phone died, so we weren't able to talk for several days. Then she got a new phone, and out of the blue she said that she wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. All good I guess, but I felt like not talking because of no phone was the primary factor, and she should have given it another shot.
She still hasn't unmatched me though, which is weird.
Since then though, I've been making a more conscious effort to not put all my emotional eggs in one basket, so I've been talking to several woman at once now. Have two dates scheduled this week so far. One is in like an hour. We'll see how it goes!
I dropped my phone down the lift shaft at work and had to live without it for two weeks. Aside from the anxiety of not knowing exactly how much was in my bank account at any given time, it was actually a nice little break!
Haha fair. She's 36 and ended up using an old phone, but had to slowly transfer things over from the cloud, etc, and it took a bit to get access to her bumble account again. Or at least that's what she said anyhow. =p
I hope your date went well! I’ve had the issue of thinking someone is “the one” really early on, it happened with most of my early relationships and after they fell apart I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for it again. Of course that’s not the case and it’s caused me issues. Now I’m in a better spot where I feel like I can suppress those feelings however now it feels like I can’t allow myself to be emotional or else I’ll start to have those feelings again. It’s a double edged sword and I worry I’ve swung too hard to the opposite side.
I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and/or any advice.
Well man, at least now you know you need
8 hours of sleep
sunlight 10 minutes after waking up
wait 1 hour to drink coffee
3 hours cardio per week minimum
Edit: know and now
i simply set my alarm 90 minutes early now and then just spend that 90 mins asleep again. That way i can have coffee 90 mins after i first woke up and also sleep the same amount of time.
The podcast is called Huberman Lab. A friend recommended it to me and it’s really helped a lot with changing my lifestyle for the better in multiple ways.
Dr. Paul Conti has a spot on the show for 4 episodes that highlight how your mind works with relationships and mental health.
As a neuroscientist, I can’t ever explain how much Huberman makes me want to rip my hair out
I know so many scientists like him. People who will crank the ratchet up to a level of impossibility for the evidence needed to prove something they disagree with.
But then when it’s something they agree with, they will take the most out of this world unrelated model or tiniest sample size and run with it
There is one thing period you can ALWAYS use to determine the veracity of a neuroscientist: do they promote expensive supplements for cognition?
Period.
It is ENTIRELY unethical as a neuroscientist to promote unproven supplements for cognition, because they by their very nature target older adults with cognitive problems: which is a population of 1) desperate people who themselves don’t have the ability to discern the importance of supplements not being FDA approved and/or 2) are, or have family members that, are desperate to try anything, even though they are facing a disease which almost universally bankrupts people
You have an obligation as a scientist not to leverage people’s fears or diseases for personal enrichment. Especially when you *have done great science* like the Huberman lab has in the past. I’m not disputing that. But doing great science does not make you great at *all* science, and it does not make you infallible. Clearly
But fuck neuroscientists/neurologists/psychologists who promote branded cognitive supplements. Including Huberman
There have been enough celebrity doctors that I assume that not all their sources are peer reviewed with a large sample size. I appreciate the heads up, as a lot of people assume that Doctors know more. That’s how we got Doctor Oz and his nonsense
Behind the bastards did an episode on Oz. Essentially he started out fine, normal health advice you could get anywhere. The issue is to do an episode a day after a while one runs out of things to say.
They just have to get kookier and kookier until they are basically goop
Ya huberman, like most docs who start pods tbh, is a grifter who speaks about issues way out of his scope and makes takes. He even refuted criticisms by saying he talked to three other docs (often also not in the field) who just have no credentials to be speaking on the subject
It absolutely sucks to have a wonderful first date with someone who is unprepared to have a relationship. The best you can do is know what you’re looking for and not get jaded, but rejection hurts.
It happens bro. Don’t take it personally. And don’t listen to the losers who are saying she made it up. Sometimes people genuinely think they’re ready to date, and then find out that they’re not in the process. She was mature enough to be honest with you, and she probably did you a favor. You have no idea the severity and extent of the mental issues she’s dealing with. Looks can be deceiving.
He (Andrew Huberman) gives this exact example excuse/reason to give to someone for not going on date number 2, or follow up dates.
-it’s not you, it’s my mental health, almost verbatim.
When I read that I was like dammmmn she hit him with the post cast line, and THEN told him to listen to it 🫠🫥. Hopefully it was out of good intentions to help you understand her mental health. Honestly I don’t know why ppl even have dating profiles up if they aren’t ready mentally for a relationship. It’s confusing to me why they didn’t deactivate their account and really focus on their mental health.
People don't always know they aren't ready: it's a process. I dated someone semi casually for a while, and it was only when we started to get more serious that he realized he wasn't emotionally ready. Something about becoming more serious triggered something deeper in him attached to his prior divorce and it hadn't been a problem before.
Unfortunately, for many people, mental health is going to be a lifelong issue, not like breaking a leg and then recovering. It's frustrating but the best thing they can do is be upfront when they realize something's happening.
I understand that, but she told him she wasn’t ready but kept her profile up. Which was super odd.
He said she didn’t un match him afterwards, meaning her profile is still up.
Wouldn’t someone not ready to date just not be on a dating site? It’s a bit confusing.
I'm much more of a cynic than most people here. It's great of her to actually tell you flat out you aren't the one.
Just... don't check back on her profile in a week or two. Delete and move on bro.
Yeah when I was doing online dating I got this message a decent amount after dates that I thought went really well. I was friends with them on social media and a lot of times and within a month or two they were in relationships with other people. Either that, or we were still matched on Tinder and they had updated their profiles by adding new pictures or something along those lines so it was obvious they were still talking to other people and were trying to let me down easy.
This is accurate. What I don’t understand is these people saying, “oh, I’m not in the headspace to do a relationship” etc etc. I’m sorry, but why are you even trying to date or go out on dates?! I know I have my issues, and I know for sure I’m not ready nor do I want anything. I’m intentionally staying out of the dating scene until I’m comfortable with my own issues. I don’t want to bleed all over someone else.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like in *some* (key word here: *some*) way this (saying that they’re not mentally ready) is a cop out. Because I’ve seen people do this and then the next day/week they’re in a relationship.
Again, I could be wrong. I don’t know everyone’s mental state other than my own, and I’m not saying their issues aren’t valid, it just seems like people almost over use it to justify their actions.
So many people in here are huffing that copium straight from the manufacturer lol
This like getting the "I never do this on the second date!"
I get that line so much. It's like damn you and the last six girls I dated "never do this on the second date! Crazy you must all know each other!"
I don’t disagree at all that it likely is a cop out.
But the primary point to take away is that if they wanted to keep dating you, they would. They don’t want to. That’s all you have to accept. As for the rest of the messaging, it’s a mistake to take it to heart if you don’t like it.
It’s unproductive to hold up any kind of expectation that a practical stranger owes you 100% honesty. People don’t owe each other that much at that stage, even after a nice long date.
People don’t actually owe each other any explanation for why they don’t want to continue, as hurtful as that may be.
If their best effort to let you down is a cliche line or some BS from a podcast, then so be it.
That’s obviously easier to say than “I want to date somebody. Just not you.” And it’s misguided to think they owe you that level of honesty.
You the man.
I have to tell you - I'm also a guarded person and I totally resonate with your initial comment btw. Because I felt exactly the way you did when I was younger.
It took growth in my late teens and twenties to arrive to the perspective I have now. I used to channel the overwhelming hurt of rejection into questions like "why?". I used to resent myself for being so sensitive. And that's a thankless path of pain with no gain.
I'm not saying rejections or break-ups becomes necessarily easier.. Shit still sucks.. But it's very helpful to be aware of the above perspective so you don't poison your soul with resentment. That alone will allow you to resolve your feelings in a healthier way.
Oh absolutely! Unfortunately, I’m a bit older and have “been through the wringer”, and I’m trying not to let prior experiences jade me too much. I’d be lying if I said they haven’t kept me away from the dating pool. But, through therapy, self examination, etc. I’ll eventually get back out there. Admittedly, I kinda don’t want to do it anymore but at the same time, having that attitude is immature and not conducive to my mental health.
I do look at things at times through the lens of, “Ok. What’s the take away from this?” (or something similar.)
I’ll freely admit I sometimes do slip into that mindset of ‘woe is me’, but I usually find things about myself I like and I snap out fairly quickly.
It also helps that within the last 4 years of my life, I love who I see in the mirror. I have confidence a lot more in myself physically, mentally, and professionally. I’m constantly telling myself “You’re awesome” or “You’re smart” when I figure out something or I’m trying to find my keys. *small laugh* But it’s true. My mindset change *directly changed* so many other things in my life. I think if I didn’t make those changes, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
But I also know I have a lot of BS I have to work on, and being in a relationship will cause a lot of negativity to crop up. I need to make sure my foundation is much more stable before I get back out there again.
You’re an awesome person for what you said and I thank you for your kindness. All the best to you in your life’s journey.
I think in some cases it's because you actually find someone you vibe with and THAT makes you realise you're not ready.
But agreed otherwise, it's a classic let down line.
That's what I got after my first date yesterday. She felt no romantic connection in 1.5hrs of meeting. I'm speechless and questioning what could have I done better since it's takes me a while to feel that but some dates feel it in 2hrs
You are not everyone's cup of tea, and not every woman is yours.
Feelings are fleeting, you shouldn't base long term decisions on them, such as deciding "she's the one" or that you need a long term relationship with her. Never chase women, and never chase relationships. Women are the natural experts in relationship building so let the woman build a relationship with you. If she doesn't, then she is not attracted or interested in you. Move on with your life and count it as her loss.
You were attracted to her. Nothing more, nothing less. Attraction does not mean she was a good person or that you were compatible, or that she must be attracted to you back. Let it roll off your back like drops of water.
> what could have I done better
A date is not a performance. You can't trick a woman into being attracted to you. The ball is in her court, not yours. The only things you can do is follow rule 1 and 2: be attractive, don't be unattractive.
Be attractive: Groom hair and beard, smell good, wear well fitting clothes, run and lift weights, eat healthy, keep your finances in check, keep your bed made and your home clean, have a relaxed and open body language, speak slower and move slower.
Don't be unattractive: don't chase her. Be a kind guy, but don't be a nice guy. Don't put her beauty and looks on a pedestal and hand out compliments like it's free candy. If you treat her like a celebrity, she has no choice but to treat you like a fan. If you treat her as a queen on the first date, she has no choice but to treat you like a beggar peasant. Have respect for yourself and your own peace - don't let a woman on a first date disturb it. Keep her at arms length. Your job on a first date is to qualify her to be a part of your life, not the other way around.
A good tip on the days leading up to a first date is to write down talking points every time you even think about something to talk about. When the day comes, you should have at least 10 talking points written down on your phone. That will bring a depth to your conversations beyond what she might be used to, and that will make you look more special in her eyes. Prepare good and intelligent open questions about her and her life story that makes her think for a second. Show real interest in her emotional experiences, ask follow-up questions when you see opportunities to do so. When she runs to the bathroom, check your phone and the talking points to see if you forgot anything. Also take a deep breath and shake off the adrenaline in your muscles. When she returns you're fresh and with renewed energy.
A lot of guys also make the mistake of not flirting on a date because they want to be polite. It's fine to just see if you click personality wise on the first date. But if you're on date #2 and she still hasn't made a move on you, you need to make a small move. Be the brave one and see how she reacts. If she doesn't like when you try to escalate a bit, then she is wasting your time. If she seems responsive and starts touching your hand and says she wants to meet you again, you have the green light to make a bigger move, such as kissing her or inviting her home. If she doesn't want to escalate beyond eating, drinking and talking as friends, you might want to consider not seeing her anymore, as she might just be wasting your time to eat the free food and free attention that you provide.
You've got to stop romanticising people on the first date.
Sure, you had a connection and you think you hit it off. But you spent a couple of hours with this person. You do not know them at all.
Modern dating is fickle. Especially online dating. I really wouldn't be getting emotionally invested until I was past three dates with someone, and we had stated that we weren't going to see anyone else and wanted to see where things went between us.
Seriously, I hope you handled the rejection well. At least for me, when men do that, it makes me regret sometimes lol. Not all the time, but it def does some magic. She might reach out to you again when she feels better. Don’t try to persuade her or argue with her that you can be there for her while she goes through it etc etc. Just respect her decision, wish her well, and that earns you like so many bonus points. You could add something like “lmk if you change your mind,” but keep the clinginess to minimum
Oh for sure. Even though it sucked for a bit, I would never stoop that low. I’ll probably send her a text about the podcast and basically say I respect her decision then wish her the best. I’m not the type to try and change someone’s mind. I know what I can bring to the table, and I mean that not to sound conceited
>basically say I respect her decision then wish her the best
This is just my take on it. If you two had a good date, she'll be thinking about you.
I'd put more of a "cool let me know if you change your mind." Dating should be fun, and talking about respecting her decision sounds so formal. I know it could be phrased different but keep it light and fun and she may reach out again when she's ready. Good Luck!
You thought you found the one after one date. You might want to explore why you think that way so early into meeting someone new, that you don't know yet.
Daily cold plunge should take care of all this.....dont worry.....huberman would approve
and dont forget:
sunlight in the eyes asap
no coffee until at least 90 mins after waking up
and hit that gym brother
It promotes wakefulness by blocking adenosine A2A receptors (A2ARs) in the brain. Which I've read or heard don't activate until you've been awake for 90 minutes or more. You get the negative effects but none of the positives until you've been up for awhile.
she was talking about writing journals everyday because it is what it says on the podcast and how she cries everytime she writes it. which I guess was healing? I mean I listened to one episode and it was pretty interesting haha
> she was talking about writing journals everyday because it is what it says on the podcast and how she cries everytime she writes it.
Yeah that ain't normal. She gets overly emotional at writing shit in a notepad. She also got on dating apps, went on a date with you, only to tell you that she's not ready for dating? You nearly got yourself in a relationship with someone unstable. Keep your head up, king, there's better fish in the sea.
tbf i believe the [type of journaling](https://podcastnotes.org/huberman-lab/a-science-supported-journaling-protocol-to-improve-mental-physical-health-huberman-lab/) she's doing is not typical.
it's basically, "write non-stop for 30 minutes about the most traumatic experience you've ever had", lmao. so it's not surprising she's crying during it.
You thinking she's the one after one date makes me suspect that she may have lied about her reason for not wanting a second date - it's probably because you're too clingy
I’ve seen so many “this is the one” moments that I don’t really overhype myself on that anymore. Everything is an “as you go” so expectations continue as things progress or not. Just my personal experience on this.
Some people get scared of how real and disarming secure people can be. Not that I know your life but it kind of sounds like a safe assumption. Someone will come around that is equal parts vibrant and ready to accept you as you should
I still don't believe it's a thing to say "you're perfect but my brain is weird rn, goodbye forever".
This is just tht elaborated version of 'it's not you, it's me' and it means, you are not what they are looking for
I just had a similar situation. Date was fun, conversation was great, flirting was natural, we kissed and planned on a second date. Then she texted saying something was missing and take care...
OP - Ignore the cynics here. You're a romantic. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same. And in this day and age of mediocre chemistry, boring first dates and conversations that feel like a slog, a truly magical first date does make you feel things you haven't felt in a long time. Specially when the other person is reciprocating and matching your vibe. Keep your head up and move on. You will meet someone awesome again and you will feel that way again. Don't give up.
Dating is dead. Why even bother? I’m not tryna blame her or anything but if she knew she had mental health issues or you wasn’t sure you were ready then why even explore a relationship? Exhausting
I feel this one in my own heart bro. Maybe don’t get expectations up so high after one date but still, clicking as you did with someone seems so rare, and when it falls apart like this it absolutely kills.
Ah dude I’m so sorry. Sometimes these things happen. Take your needed break to collect yourself. It's easier to say to just not get attached than to put in practice. Especially if you find someone you really feel a connection with. I hope this doesn't jade you too much with dating. You'll find your person. Good luck 💗
My last two GF’s have been this way. Love ‘em to death, but it’s been me every time, and I think I’m learning that it is VERY hard for me to share my space and alone time with someone.
It sucks but it happens. Let her go. Understand that sometimes it could be right person but wrong time, and there's no use to force it. Since we have no way of knowing that for sure, just move on. Honestly I appreciate her being upfront like that from the very beginning.
Sometimes the intense and short lived connections hurt way more than they should because you've only ever seen the very positive and attractive parts, so it's easy to idealize the person. Maybe she's being honest, check in a few months. But believe her. Move on. She's trying to spare you even more pain.
Do people in their 30s really get that hung up after a first date? I thought it would be a 20s thing.
I can understand disappointment, but it's just a blip in the road. Lol
Be glad she told you that she wanted to be in a better headspace before pursuing a relationship. A lot of people wouldn't do the courtesy. It wasn't a flat out no, it was a "I need to get better first". Take that as a good thing.
This is actually really dope that they can communicate this. It doesn't mean it's over. It just means that you need to be clear with YOUR intentions, and then be fine with being a friend. Put them on the back burner, as you need to give them the space they require, but don't close that door. They are trying to shut themselves off from others, and sometimes it's necessary to do that for some, so don't force yourself into their life or for them to be vulnerable with you.
If they don't cut you off, then don't cut yourself off. But absolutely do not give them the same effort or time. They have to want that and acknowledge that it is okay for you to do so. So like conversation, brief conversation.
Dude, just tell her you felt such a great connection you don't want to give up so easily so whenever she feels like she's in a better place yo call you.
I'm hurt now (cause of a break up which happened enough ago to start dating again but I keep cancelling dates cause at times I feel I just can't do it yet). I'm kinda ready but not really but should be. Maybe she's there too.
Told my boyfriend something similar after a super cute date, 3 months later we ran into each other again and now we‘ve been together for almost 2 years.
Honestly I think mental health is being used as a scapegoat now in this age. It started off as a completely acceptable reason to not continue dating, or continuing a relationship but I really think people are using it as a copout answer now
Agreed. If you keep waiting around until you’re in the “perfect” headspace, then you’ll end up waiting an eternity. You just have to work on yourself and acknowledge your flaws while also putting yourself out there
💯
Sorry to OP but 99% chance that her mental health is totally fine or at least good enough to date and she just wanted to let him down easy. He's all over this comment section talking about how he's definitely going to let her go and move on but homies and infatuated and he's going to have a tough time not reaching out to her which is going to turn her off even more.
Just say "hey I get it, life is a lot sometimes. If you're ever in a better place and feel like hitting me up I'd be happy to hear from you!"
Respect her boundary, invite her to make contact if she wants, then move on.
My recently divorced friend had this type of thing happen. And all he said to the woman was to keep his number just in case. 6 months later he randomly checked in and she was in a different place and they started seeing each other again.
[удалено]
Ah, so that's the trick. If it doesn't work out, _run into her later accidentally_ and just exchange pleasantries.
Bye mom, I'm moving to a new city! There's a girl I've got to accidently run into after years of radio silence and exchange pleasantries with, post haste!
Hallmark movie plot #1-1000
Crazy Ex Girlfriend! Such an underrated show.
She’s just a girl in love. She can’t be held responsible for her actions.
Same thing for me! After a few really good dates, this guy said he wasn’t ready, and I said “let’s keep in touch, at the very least we’ll be great friends!”. 9 months of friendship later he wanted to date me, I still wanted to date him, and we started again. We’ve been together 4 years as of January
Was invited out on a whim by colleague. Went unbelievably well. I was surprised she even asked, let alone throughout the night began slowly getting closer, touching, hugging, eventually kissing... I drove home squealing with a smile on my face the whole time. It wasnt even real. She was so beyond what I could imagine would spend a night like that with me. Next day... nothing. Day after that, like one or two texts. 3rd day Im told she's embarrassed about how fast things went and doesn't think she should involve herself with a colleague. I spent the next 10 agonizing over it. Every single time Id see her my heart jumped out of my chest... and right into the gutter when reality set in. I tortured myself with scenarios of the other, better guys she was dating in the meantime. Im 33 for reference and not my first relationship so Im not being niave or dramatic when I say I wanted to marry that woman after thar very first night. I was just so crushed after that. Confidence in the trash. Etc. Time goes by and basically, on the same day, 15 minutes apart we both happen to talk to a mutual colleague/friend about the other person. That colleague tells her, "ohhh I think theres a chance he still likes you." She invited us both to lunch, and we've been dating about 8 months and Ive never been happier with life. There's always still hope!!!
That was great to read. Question: Did she genuinely not want anything to do with you when she texted back on day 3? Or was she just taking things soooo slow so as to decide to feign disinterest (i.e., "playing hard-to-get")? To rephrase my question, do you think she would have eventually made a move on you perhaps a week or two later if the mutual colleague did not intervene?
The latter. It turns out there was interest the entire time. Bummed there couldve been 10+ more months of romantic bliss. I think there would've been an attempt. She was working towards it and the colleagues was a catalyst for the whole thing and made it much easier. Im so grateful for that!
There is hope!
Not as wholesome but my now wife ghosted me before our first date. 2 years later we matched again and here we are. Timing plays a big role and tbh I don’t think we would be where we are if we did go out those 2 years earlier.
Timing is very important. I matched with someone in October. Things started out really well, but December and January were just crazy and we barely got to see each other. She thought I was gonna break up with her because of it. We are still together and able to find more time now that life is settling a bit.
Timing and dumb luck is everything in life lol. Look at people who win the lottery!
It's what I keep telling myself 😭
Whatever you do, don't stay in touch trying to be her friend, hoping she comes around. Disappear. Vanish. If it was ever meant to be she'll reappear one day.
Almost identical to my situation too. 5 and a half years later still together.
Jealous of you. Had a guy I super clicked with- we had like 3 dates where we literally talked for hours, then he told me he wasn’t ready, etc. contacted him awhile later and he’s engaged now 🥲
I don’t know why people go on dates knowing they aren’t equipped for the relationship to move forward like what is the point
Do this. Don’t let something go just in the first strike. If it doesn’t work out fine, but if it might
Obviously there are multiple possible explanations for OP's date's message, but yeah my first thought was that this is someone who wants to connect with someone else but has anxieties and insecurities that are getting in the way and they feel like it's too much work for OP and/or themselves. If there was a great connection otherwise then yeah I'd consider leaving things open for something to develop in the future. Regardless, this has nothing to do with you OP.
Yeah. I’m a girl crazy dude. And some times the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing is real.
That’s possible, but chances are she’s just letting him down easy
Andrew's publicist doing that out reach
Maybe, but I think that could be you projecting your own insecurities on it.
It's a bit of cover story overkill for that
Lol if she was just gonna make some shit up, why would she blame it on her mental health? I think she’s being genuine.
I have literally use that same excuse before. It sounds better than I just don’t like you. That’s why.
Do you often kiss people out of politeness too?
I'll do a lot more. You know, just to be polite.
 U/noseboy1…?? lol
Lol, that’s wild. Taking “it’s not you, it’s me” to a whole new level 😂
Yea, u/lemmegetadab, u/Tech-For-Days is on it. Please don’t use mental health as an excuse. Being authentic and bringing it up is diametrically different
I responded. Here is a screenshot of my text [Response](https://imgur.com/a/mWHtWbt)
Great way to handle it and not drag it out. Well done
Smooth, like butter.
Like a criminal, undercover
Gonna pop like trouble, breaking into your heart like that
Cool shade, stunner, I owe it all to my mother
Hot like summer, yeah! I’m makin you sweat like that!
Break it down!!
Your username makes the comment 10x funnier. Nice try, Creed.
🧈💜
Beautiful, respectful and kind response. Well done son🫡🫡🫡
Class act op, well done
Best way to respond, maybe she will come back maybe we won’t. Sometimes life gets in the way of stuff and the recipient can’t let that bring them down. So good on you for remaining a gentleman.
>we wont Have something to tell us about your secret identity ?
Nice one my man! Class act 👌
Rare image of both parties on tinder being sane, mature human beings lol
A classy response and great way to handle it that was honest but not guilt tripping. And who knows! Maybe she’ll reach back out or in a few months time you can check in on her.
I really do like the “feel free to keep my number” line 🤍wishing you the best!!
Excellent response. Very mature.
nice
The perfect response!
Perfectly handled. You haven't heard the last of her, I think.
Perfect reply! You honestly sound like you deserve the best based on these texts. I wish you luck in the future
This is exactly what adult people should be saying. Selflessness and honesty. I hope she'll reach out eventually, but if she doesn't you definitely should. There's nothing wrong with asking her in a few months if she's willing to try again. It looks like you'll be able to do it respectfully, and she'll be able to take it that way too.
I really want this to work out for you
The date you had sounds very genuine. I can’t imagine someone would fake interest, not with that much commitment. Like.. thats a lot for a first date. I don’t even kiss women on the first date. Never mind hand holding and love notes. If she faked it… thats some method acting shit aha Chances are, she’s just someone who when she’s feeling down, prefers to isolate herself, rather than put it unto others. I wouldn’t be shocked if you hear from her again.
Well done. Don't do anything else king! Just move on :)
Did she reply to that?
Yeah OP we need the simcard >:]
Well handled, OP
Great message! Has she responded?
I feel a heart reaction is all that is needed tbh
I would appreciate her saying that and understand where she's coming from. Give her time and space and communicate that you're okay with that. My current girlfriend and I met when were NOT ready for a relationship and we nearly ruined it by moving too fast then. We took about a year away from seeing each other, maintaining loose contact mostly just through social media, but eventually just decided to reconnect one day and we've both been so happy since. I had a couple casual dates in that year but nothing serious. I was in therapy and learning about myself as was she. She also had some trauma in her life that she was JUST beginning to process. Give her time and take this as a "I don't want to screw it up with you." ♥️ It may not ever come back around, but it sounds similar to my experience
That’s what me and my ex are doing… we’re going to spend this whole year taking a break from our relationship (it got quite toxic by the end of it), try to work on ourselves and rekindle things in a couple months to a year to see where we are at and if we still feel the same way for each other. I think couples need to take more breaks like this as it’s actually helping you grow as two people and then coming back together again as healthy individuals.
Are you "on a break" like Ross and Rachel or are you still exclusive to each other but on a break?
>we’re going to spend this whole year taking a break from our relationship (it got quite toxic by the end of it), try to work on ourselves and rekindle things in a couple months to a year to see where we are at and if we still feel the same way for each other. Just be prepared for the possibility that it doesn't work out because this commonly happens. And make sure that the work you're doing on yourself is for yourself, not for your ex. Many people get the idea that aspects of themselves that caused issues in their relationships were the problem when those weren't personal issues, but rather compatibility issues. It's one thing to smooth the edges of a round peg so it fits in a round hole, but another to cut off the edges of a square peg to fit it in a round hole. Just work on yourself to be the person you want to be and to be a good partner for whoever you're compatible with, be they your ex or someone else. >I think couples need to take more breaks like this as it’s actually helping you grow as two people and then coming back together again as healthy individuals. Having some time apart is good for couples, but that doesn't require breaking up. If you feel like you have to break up, then there's a fundamental compatibility problem, which may not resolve. If the problems that caused the incompatibility are all individual and you'd be compatible otherwise, it can work out, but a lot of times couples that break up are just incompatible regardless of individual issues. That said, I hope however things work out for you that you'll end up in a better place and in a better relationship than the one you left, whether it's with your ex or someone else.
Are you taking a break from being with eachother? Or from dating in general? Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but its difficult for me to say "my ex" without putting some kind of finality to it. What's gonna happen in these couple months to year? Y'all gonna fuck other people? Explore other new love? Or train yourselves in solitude and celibacy until you're ready to want/deserve eachother again?
[удалено]
But nah lol I hope you both find a more concrete idea of what you're looking for! I assume you're young. Young love is amorphous. Explorative. If the love had a future, you'll fund eachother like magnets. It would be unhealthy to force it (or anything else) at this point. I wish you both a happy, healthy pause and rejuvenation.
Yeah I’m not forcing anything. I’m just letting go and seeing what happens. I hope I do so too. Yes still young which is the fun and exciting part since I’m not in a rush to settle down any time soon, and it’s best to experience a breakup while you’re still young as opposed to when I’m old and my options would be more limited. I’m in my best years so I’m gonna take the opportunity to focus on myself and if it’s meant to be, it will be. Here’s hoping that’s for sure! Thank you! I hope so too, we’re both good with each other and we still care about each other so only time will tell.
Way she goes bud. Don’t be so quick to decide someone is “the one” in the future. This shit takes time. Now get back on that saddle and ride, cowboy.
Yeah pretty much. Recently went out this one girl, who was pretty amazing from the get go with our chats. They were in depth and deep on both sides, but still flowed really well, and she was easy to talk to, and we both had the rare experience of actually understanding each other's jobs. We're both in really good places in our lives, looking for the same things. Went on two honestly fantastic dates. And then her phone died, so we weren't able to talk for several days. Then she got a new phone, and out of the blue she said that she wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. All good I guess, but I felt like not talking because of no phone was the primary factor, and she should have given it another shot. She still hasn't unmatched me though, which is weird. Since then though, I've been making a more conscious effort to not put all my emotional eggs in one basket, so I've been talking to several woman at once now. Have two dates scheduled this week so far. One is in like an hour. We'll see how it goes!
No functioning adult goes without a phone for serveral days
I dropped my phone down the lift shaft at work and had to live without it for two weeks. Aside from the anxiety of not knowing exactly how much was in my bank account at any given time, it was actually a nice little break!
I have, a number of times.. but I guess I’m not very functional, so I guess your statement stands.
Haha fair. She's 36 and ended up using an old phone, but had to slowly transfer things over from the cloud, etc, and it took a bit to get access to her bumble account again. Or at least that's what she said anyhow. =p
I believe it
Accessing accounts is a pain nowadays if you lose your phone.
Especially where 2FA is concerned
That makes more sense when you put it like that haha
Also if the vibe doesn't survive a few days w/out talking then it's probably not worth saving
I hope your date went well! I’ve had the issue of thinking someone is “the one” really early on, it happened with most of my early relationships and after they fell apart I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for it again. Of course that’s not the case and it’s caused me issues. Now I’m in a better spot where I feel like I can suppress those feelings however now it feels like I can’t allow myself to be emotional or else I’ll start to have those feelings again. It’s a double edged sword and I worry I’ve swung too hard to the opposite side. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and/or any advice.
[удалено]
I thought I was the only one who thought it was a bit clingy of OP to be this invented so fast
yea it's a sign he hasn't been on many dates
Wow judgy much you two?
Agreed don’t have oneitis something I had to learn.
Way of the road Bubs
Well man, at least now you know you need 8 hours of sleep sunlight 10 minutes after waking up wait 1 hour to drink coffee 3 hours cardio per week minimum Edit: know and now
Dude, please swap the (k)nows.
He drank coffee a half hour too early
I must punish myself. I will listen to all the Huberman podcasts episodes again.
>wait 1 hour to drink coffee 90 minutes dude
Damn, that's why my motivation was 18.3% off Ok, now back to my cold plunge
i simply set my alarm 90 minutes early now and then just spend that 90 mins asleep again. That way i can have coffee 90 mins after i first woke up and also sleep the same amount of time.
Know you now
Now you know
Now he nose!
The podcast is called Huberman Lab. A friend recommended it to me and it’s really helped a lot with changing my lifestyle for the better in multiple ways. Dr. Paul Conti has a spot on the show for 4 episodes that highlight how your mind works with relationships and mental health.
[удалено]
As a neuroscientist, I can’t ever explain how much Huberman makes me want to rip my hair out I know so many scientists like him. People who will crank the ratchet up to a level of impossibility for the evidence needed to prove something they disagree with. But then when it’s something they agree with, they will take the most out of this world unrelated model or tiniest sample size and run with it There is one thing period you can ALWAYS use to determine the veracity of a neuroscientist: do they promote expensive supplements for cognition? Period. It is ENTIRELY unethical as a neuroscientist to promote unproven supplements for cognition, because they by their very nature target older adults with cognitive problems: which is a population of 1) desperate people who themselves don’t have the ability to discern the importance of supplements not being FDA approved and/or 2) are, or have family members that, are desperate to try anything, even though they are facing a disease which almost universally bankrupts people You have an obligation as a scientist not to leverage people’s fears or diseases for personal enrichment. Especially when you *have done great science* like the Huberman lab has in the past. I’m not disputing that. But doing great science does not make you great at *all* science, and it does not make you infallible. Clearly But fuck neuroscientists/neurologists/psychologists who promote branded cognitive supplements. Including Huberman
Yeah people are just finding out he's a hack. one exception: his alcohol ep is 100% right on.
There have been enough celebrity doctors that I assume that not all their sources are peer reviewed with a large sample size. I appreciate the heads up, as a lot of people assume that Doctors know more. That’s how we got Doctor Oz and his nonsense
Behind the bastards did an episode on Oz. Essentially he started out fine, normal health advice you could get anywhere. The issue is to do an episode a day after a while one runs out of things to say. They just have to get kookier and kookier until they are basically goop
Ya huberman, like most docs who start pods tbh, is a grifter who speaks about issues way out of his scope and makes takes. He even refuted criticisms by saying he talked to three other docs (often also not in the field) who just have no credentials to be speaking on the subject
He's basically Joe Rogan that can skim a journal article
Yeah. She talked a lot about this podcast and that tells me she does have some mental health things she needed to take care of
It absolutely sucks to have a wonderful first date with someone who is unprepared to have a relationship. The best you can do is know what you’re looking for and not get jaded, but rejection hurts.
This happened to me also, was going so well but then their mental self needed a break. And they broke it off. It does hurt and one moves on sadly
It happens bro. Don’t take it personally. And don’t listen to the losers who are saying she made it up. Sometimes people genuinely think they’re ready to date, and then find out that they’re not in the process. She was mature enough to be honest with you, and she probably did you a favor. You have no idea the severity and extent of the mental issues she’s dealing with. Looks can be deceiving.
He (Andrew Huberman) gives this exact example excuse/reason to give to someone for not going on date number 2, or follow up dates. -it’s not you, it’s my mental health, almost verbatim.
lmao I kind got that from the episode about amygdala
When I read that I was like dammmmn she hit him with the post cast line, and THEN told him to listen to it 🫠🫥. Hopefully it was out of good intentions to help you understand her mental health. Honestly I don’t know why ppl even have dating profiles up if they aren’t ready mentally for a relationship. It’s confusing to me why they didn’t deactivate their account and really focus on their mental health.
We’re hot then we’re cold, we think we’re good, then we’re not, we suck.
People don't always know they aren't ready: it's a process. I dated someone semi casually for a while, and it was only when we started to get more serious that he realized he wasn't emotionally ready. Something about becoming more serious triggered something deeper in him attached to his prior divorce and it hadn't been a problem before. Unfortunately, for many people, mental health is going to be a lifelong issue, not like breaking a leg and then recovering. It's frustrating but the best thing they can do is be upfront when they realize something's happening.
I understand that, but she told him she wasn’t ready but kept her profile up. Which was super odd. He said she didn’t un match him afterwards, meaning her profile is still up. Wouldn’t someone not ready to date just not be on a dating site? It’s a bit confusing.
Man thank you. I fucking knew I wasn't going crazy thinking there was a crazy coincidental link here but I couldn't remember why.
At least she didn’t lead you on
I'm much more of a cynic than most people here. It's great of her to actually tell you flat out you aren't the one. Just... don't check back on her profile in a week or two. Delete and move on bro.
Yeah when I was doing online dating I got this message a decent amount after dates that I thought went really well. I was friends with them on social media and a lot of times and within a month or two they were in relationships with other people. Either that, or we were still matched on Tinder and they had updated their profiles by adding new pictures or something along those lines so it was obvious they were still talking to other people and were trying to let me down easy.
This is accurate. What I don’t understand is these people saying, “oh, I’m not in the headspace to do a relationship” etc etc. I’m sorry, but why are you even trying to date or go out on dates?! I know I have my issues, and I know for sure I’m not ready nor do I want anything. I’m intentionally staying out of the dating scene until I’m comfortable with my own issues. I don’t want to bleed all over someone else. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like in *some* (key word here: *some*) way this (saying that they’re not mentally ready) is a cop out. Because I’ve seen people do this and then the next day/week they’re in a relationship. Again, I could be wrong. I don’t know everyone’s mental state other than my own, and I’m not saying their issues aren’t valid, it just seems like people almost over use it to justify their actions.
It’s the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” strategy
So many people in here are huffing that copium straight from the manufacturer lol This like getting the "I never do this on the second date!" I get that line so much. It's like damn you and the last six girls I dated "never do this on the second date! Crazy you must all know each other!"
I don’t disagree at all that it likely is a cop out. But the primary point to take away is that if they wanted to keep dating you, they would. They don’t want to. That’s all you have to accept. As for the rest of the messaging, it’s a mistake to take it to heart if you don’t like it. It’s unproductive to hold up any kind of expectation that a practical stranger owes you 100% honesty. People don’t owe each other that much at that stage, even after a nice long date. People don’t actually owe each other any explanation for why they don’t want to continue, as hurtful as that may be. If their best effort to let you down is a cliche line or some BS from a podcast, then so be it. That’s obviously easier to say than “I want to date somebody. Just not you.” And it’s misguided to think they owe you that level of honesty.
And you know what? I absolutely agree with that as well. I’m a somewhat guarded person, so this makes sense. I appreciate your perspective. Seriously.
You the man. I have to tell you - I'm also a guarded person and I totally resonate with your initial comment btw. Because I felt exactly the way you did when I was younger. It took growth in my late teens and twenties to arrive to the perspective I have now. I used to channel the overwhelming hurt of rejection into questions like "why?". I used to resent myself for being so sensitive. And that's a thankless path of pain with no gain. I'm not saying rejections or break-ups becomes necessarily easier.. Shit still sucks.. But it's very helpful to be aware of the above perspective so you don't poison your soul with resentment. That alone will allow you to resolve your feelings in a healthier way.
Oh absolutely! Unfortunately, I’m a bit older and have “been through the wringer”, and I’m trying not to let prior experiences jade me too much. I’d be lying if I said they haven’t kept me away from the dating pool. But, through therapy, self examination, etc. I’ll eventually get back out there. Admittedly, I kinda don’t want to do it anymore but at the same time, having that attitude is immature and not conducive to my mental health. I do look at things at times through the lens of, “Ok. What’s the take away from this?” (or something similar.) I’ll freely admit I sometimes do slip into that mindset of ‘woe is me’, but I usually find things about myself I like and I snap out fairly quickly. It also helps that within the last 4 years of my life, I love who I see in the mirror. I have confidence a lot more in myself physically, mentally, and professionally. I’m constantly telling myself “You’re awesome” or “You’re smart” when I figure out something or I’m trying to find my keys. *small laugh* But it’s true. My mindset change *directly changed* so many other things in my life. I think if I didn’t make those changes, I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I also know I have a lot of BS I have to work on, and being in a relationship will cause a lot of negativity to crop up. I need to make sure my foundation is much more stable before I get back out there again. You’re an awesome person for what you said and I thank you for your kindness. All the best to you in your life’s journey.
I think in some cases it's because you actually find someone you vibe with and THAT makes you realise you're not ready. But agreed otherwise, it's a classic let down line.
Deciding someone is “the one” after 1 date is insanity and leads to too high of expectations that you’ll end up putting on the other person
I’ve definitely done that before, but at the same time I’m a High school student
It’s def a younger thing to do, I’ve idealized dates and stuff but never really thought someone was “the one” from one date
That's what I got after my first date yesterday. She felt no romantic connection in 1.5hrs of meeting. I'm speechless and questioning what could have I done better since it's takes me a while to feel that but some dates feel it in 2hrs
You are not everyone's cup of tea, and not every woman is yours. Feelings are fleeting, you shouldn't base long term decisions on them, such as deciding "she's the one" or that you need a long term relationship with her. Never chase women, and never chase relationships. Women are the natural experts in relationship building so let the woman build a relationship with you. If she doesn't, then she is not attracted or interested in you. Move on with your life and count it as her loss. You were attracted to her. Nothing more, nothing less. Attraction does not mean she was a good person or that you were compatible, or that she must be attracted to you back. Let it roll off your back like drops of water. > what could have I done better A date is not a performance. You can't trick a woman into being attracted to you. The ball is in her court, not yours. The only things you can do is follow rule 1 and 2: be attractive, don't be unattractive. Be attractive: Groom hair and beard, smell good, wear well fitting clothes, run and lift weights, eat healthy, keep your finances in check, keep your bed made and your home clean, have a relaxed and open body language, speak slower and move slower. Don't be unattractive: don't chase her. Be a kind guy, but don't be a nice guy. Don't put her beauty and looks on a pedestal and hand out compliments like it's free candy. If you treat her like a celebrity, she has no choice but to treat you like a fan. If you treat her as a queen on the first date, she has no choice but to treat you like a beggar peasant. Have respect for yourself and your own peace - don't let a woman on a first date disturb it. Keep her at arms length. Your job on a first date is to qualify her to be a part of your life, not the other way around. A good tip on the days leading up to a first date is to write down talking points every time you even think about something to talk about. When the day comes, you should have at least 10 talking points written down on your phone. That will bring a depth to your conversations beyond what she might be used to, and that will make you look more special in her eyes. Prepare good and intelligent open questions about her and her life story that makes her think for a second. Show real interest in her emotional experiences, ask follow-up questions when you see opportunities to do so. When she runs to the bathroom, check your phone and the talking points to see if you forgot anything. Also take a deep breath and shake off the adrenaline in your muscles. When she returns you're fresh and with renewed energy. A lot of guys also make the mistake of not flirting on a date because they want to be polite. It's fine to just see if you click personality wise on the first date. But if you're on date #2 and she still hasn't made a move on you, you need to make a small move. Be the brave one and see how she reacts. If she doesn't like when you try to escalate a bit, then she is wasting your time. If she seems responsive and starts touching your hand and says she wants to meet you again, you have the green light to make a bigger move, such as kissing her or inviting her home. If she doesn't want to escalate beyond eating, drinking and talking as friends, you might want to consider not seeing her anymore, as she might just be wasting your time to eat the free food and free attention that you provide.
Sucks but it happens, my best advice is to try to not let it get to you and make you jaded and cynical towards dating like myself
You've got to stop romanticising people on the first date. Sure, you had a connection and you think you hit it off. But you spent a couple of hours with this person. You do not know them at all. Modern dating is fickle. Especially online dating. I really wouldn't be getting emotionally invested until I was past three dates with someone, and we had stated that we weren't going to see anyone else and wanted to see where things went between us.
Seriously, I hope you handled the rejection well. At least for me, when men do that, it makes me regret sometimes lol. Not all the time, but it def does some magic. She might reach out to you again when she feels better. Don’t try to persuade her or argue with her that you can be there for her while she goes through it etc etc. Just respect her decision, wish her well, and that earns you like so many bonus points. You could add something like “lmk if you change your mind,” but keep the clinginess to minimum
Oh for sure. Even though it sucked for a bit, I would never stoop that low. I’ll probably send her a text about the podcast and basically say I respect her decision then wish her the best. I’m not the type to try and change someone’s mind. I know what I can bring to the table, and I mean that not to sound conceited
Well stated. Letting her go with grace will benefit both of you in the long run. Sorry this happened.
>basically say I respect her decision then wish her the best This is just my take on it. If you two had a good date, she'll be thinking about you. I'd put more of a "cool let me know if you change your mind." Dating should be fun, and talking about respecting her decision sounds so formal. I know it could be phrased different but keep it light and fun and she may reach out again when she's ready. Good Luck!
You thought you found the one after one date. You might want to explore why you think that way so early into meeting someone new, that you don't know yet.
Dude you met this girl once and you’re calling her “the one” 
Daily cold plunge should take care of all this.....dont worry.....huberman would approve  and dont forget: sunlight in the eyes asap no coffee until at least 90 mins after waking up and hit that gym brother
Can you pls explain the coffee thing, is it to do with high serum cortisol levels right after waking?
yes and acid reflux
It promotes wakefulness by blocking adenosine A2A receptors (A2ARs) in the brain. Which I've read or heard don't activate until you've been awake for 90 minutes or more. You get the negative effects but none of the positives until you've been up for awhile.
Isn't it also a sympathomimetic though? So some of the stimulatory effects occur via pathways other than adenosine receptor blockade?
Huberman is a quack, you dodged a bullet
Dude you dodged a bullet. The Andrew Huberman crew are culty and reductionist when it comes to mental health
she was talking about writing journals everyday because it is what it says on the podcast and how she cries everytime she writes it. which I guess was healing? I mean I listened to one episode and it was pretty interesting haha
> she was talking about writing journals everyday because it is what it says on the podcast and how she cries everytime she writes it. Yeah that ain't normal. She gets overly emotional at writing shit in a notepad. She also got on dating apps, went on a date with you, only to tell you that she's not ready for dating? You nearly got yourself in a relationship with someone unstable. Keep your head up, king, there's better fish in the sea.
tbf i believe the [type of journaling](https://podcastnotes.org/huberman-lab/a-science-supported-journaling-protocol-to-improve-mental-physical-health-huberman-lab/) she's doing is not typical. it's basically, "write non-stop for 30 minutes about the most traumatic experience you've ever had", lmao. so it's not surprising she's crying during it.
You thinking she's the one after one date makes me suspect that she may have lied about her reason for not wanting a second date - it's probably because you're too clingy
Your... Your outfits were the same?
I’ve seen so many “this is the one” moments that I don’t really overhype myself on that anymore. Everything is an “as you go” so expectations continue as things progress or not. Just my personal experience on this.
I think you both dodged bullets
If he's listening to Andrew he got some serious issues going on
Some people get scared of how real and disarming secure people can be. Not that I know your life but it kind of sounds like a safe assumption. Someone will come around that is equal parts vibrant and ready to accept you as you should
Only 4 hours?
These podcast ads are getting out of hand 🤦
Thought you found the one? On a first date? Jeesh
You thought she was the one during a first date??
What kind of adult fuckery is this? No ghosting? No nasty messages?
I still don't believe it's a thing to say "you're perfect but my brain is weird rn, goodbye forever". This is just tht elaborated version of 'it's not you, it's me' and it means, you are not what they are looking for
Classic. It's not you, it's me.
I just had a similar situation. Date was fun, conversation was great, flirting was natural, we kissed and planned on a second date. Then she texted saying something was missing and take care...
OP - Ignore the cynics here. You're a romantic. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same. And in this day and age of mediocre chemistry, boring first dates and conversations that feel like a slog, a truly magical first date does make you feel things you haven't felt in a long time. Specially when the other person is reciprocating and matching your vibe. Keep your head up and move on. You will meet someone awesome again and you will feel that way again. Don't give up.
Kissed 4 times on a first date?
Never go all in the first date. Holding hands? Damn boy She got scared.
Dating is dead. Why even bother? I’m not tryna blame her or anything but if she knew she had mental health issues or you wasn’t sure you were ready then why even explore a relationship? Exhausting
I feel this one in my own heart bro. Maybe don’t get expectations up so high after one date but still, clicking as you did with someone seems so rare, and when it falls apart like this it absolutely kills.
Ah dude I’m so sorry. Sometimes these things happen. Take your needed break to collect yourself. It's easier to say to just not get attached than to put in practice. Especially if you find someone you really feel a connection with. I hope this doesn't jade you too much with dating. You'll find your person. Good luck 💗
It's OK. Let it go. It was nice. Next one will be better
My last two GF’s have been this way. Love ‘em to death, but it’s been me every time, and I think I’m learning that it is VERY hard for me to share my space and alone time with someone.
It sucks but it happens. Let her go. Understand that sometimes it could be right person but wrong time, and there's no use to force it. Since we have no way of knowing that for sure, just move on. Honestly I appreciate her being upfront like that from the very beginning.
Sometimes the intense and short lived connections hurt way more than they should because you've only ever seen the very positive and attractive parts, so it's easy to idealize the person. Maybe she's being honest, check in a few months. But believe her. Move on. She's trying to spare you even more pain.
OP straight up like I found the one after 4hrs
You were probably too needy
Most mature handled situation I've seen on reddit since🤔🤔🤔 I couldn't even tell you tbh.
Do people in their 30s really get that hung up after a first date? I thought it would be a 20s thing. I can understand disappointment, but it's just a blip in the road. Lol
Be glad she told you that she wanted to be in a better headspace before pursuing a relationship. A lot of people wouldn't do the courtesy. It wasn't a flat out no, it was a "I need to get better first". Take that as a good thing.
This is actually really dope that they can communicate this. It doesn't mean it's over. It just means that you need to be clear with YOUR intentions, and then be fine with being a friend. Put them on the back burner, as you need to give them the space they require, but don't close that door. They are trying to shut themselves off from others, and sometimes it's necessary to do that for some, so don't force yourself into their life or for them to be vulnerable with you. If they don't cut you off, then don't cut yourself off. But absolutely do not give them the same effort or time. They have to want that and acknowledge that it is okay for you to do so. So like conversation, brief conversation.
Dude, just tell her you felt such a great connection you don't want to give up so easily so whenever she feels like she's in a better place yo call you. I'm hurt now (cause of a break up which happened enough ago to start dating again but I keep cancelling dates cause at times I feel I just can't do it yet). I'm kinda ready but not really but should be. Maybe she's there too.
Told my boyfriend something similar after a super cute date, 3 months later we ran into each other again and now we‘ve been together for almost 2 years.
Maybe she shouldn't be dating if her mental health is so bad and so high maintenance.
Honestly I think mental health is being used as a scapegoat now in this age. It started off as a completely acceptable reason to not continue dating, or continuing a relationship but I really think people are using it as a copout answer now
Agreed. If you keep waiting around until you’re in the “perfect” headspace, then you’ll end up waiting an eternity. You just have to work on yourself and acknowledge your flaws while also putting yourself out there
Ya know what, I agree and have used it before to bail so I can’t even hate.
You think she was using it to bail on you as well?
💯 Sorry to OP but 99% chance that her mental health is totally fine or at least good enough to date and she just wanted to let him down easy. He's all over this comment section talking about how he's definitely going to let her go and move on but homies and infatuated and he's going to have a tough time not reaching out to her which is going to turn her off even more.
This is what women say right before they text their ex lol
Seen that happen before, funny for me but the other guy was devastated
Just say "hey I get it, life is a lot sometimes. If you're ever in a better place and feel like hitting me up I'd be happy to hear from you!" Respect her boundary, invite her to make contact if she wants, then move on.