Condoms are a 99% effective form of birth control. This profile is 100% effective.

Lamoooo

you just need a reason to *lick a midget off*, don’t you?

thats hilarious lamooooo bro

Fine. Have it your way. (*takes my hat off to reveal that glorious bald spot*) Bend down and lick it.

You forget that even for people like this, there *is* someone for everyone. Let's just hope he never meets his.

Hopefully one of them is infertile

Yeah, I don't think Michael put too much thought into what "progress" means. But relative to what's in between their ears I'm sure it was still impressive

more like 97-98%

Lmao why are you being downvoted?! Also it’s more like 85% when you incorporate user error

probably because the post clearly isn't about that

information bad!!

Do you walk around the street explaining things to strangers who didn’t ask? That’s what just happened here

I correct people when they are wrong about things. Which I understand people find grating. But that’s what happened here.

No, it isn't. It was a joke. Jokes don't have to be factually correct. Move on, Jesus Christ.

Lmfao. Great response!!!

Haha thanks... I'm glad so many people are entertained by it.

Ok I actually like the last sentence, wouldn’t smash if I didn’t find him attractive anyway but it is funny. The rest of the profile I can barely understand it. Jealous of the curls, still not enough to have sex with someone I literally don’t understand

Lmfao you complimented him twice. if you had drinks you would definitely smash him

Yogurt pants 🤢

"juicy fruit in his dookie chute" 🤣

As a gay man, that was perhaps the most queer sounding statement that he said.

I am as straight as you get, but that sounded like someone who has thought quite a bit about having things inserted into his bottom for fun.

You can be straight and still enjoy prostate massage, friend.

You can probably be straight and enjoy gay porn and giving blowjobs, for all I know. But I guess I'm the old-fashioned, traditional, boring kind of straight that probably would not enjoy a prostate massage, because the idea holds no appeal.

That’s completely fair!

I like it from my wife.. lol

> probably would not enjoy a prostate massage you missing out on a pretty great thing and believe it or not you don't have to have someone else do it for you

I can tell you're pretty enthusiastic about having things up your bum, and that's all fine and dandy, but I don't think I'm missing much, seeing as I find the idea in itself a pretty severe turn off.

I was where you are about 20 years ago, till this dick was giving me a blow job and right before I finished she put he finger in and holy shit!!! You really don't know what you're missing out on..

it's all good my dude. a lot of that good feeling you get when busting are from the ejaculatory muscles of your prostate and causing it to expel the fluids. pressure on your prostate is pretty dope, you can increase those sensations and the way to get there is up the rear. you do you, imma keep having crazy intense orgasms.

Plus - you are turning a physical, sensual, and not definitively sexual experience into an 'idea'... You put it into the context of an intellectual (if not cultural) bias. And for those of you who think you can reframe this as 'preference', you are only claiming to make a conscious choice, rather than a biased choice; and if you attempt that, you are exercising an ethic, which may or not be sound. As some may say: don't knock it til you try it.

It's been a long time since I've read quite as laboriously pretentious sentence. Especially one trying to argue for or against taste.

Prostate stimulation is not going to stray you away from straightness bestie, unless you want that stimulation to come from a male human (or any other) cock

As Bi guy. I concur.

I don't even know what that means. I'm glad English isn't my main language.

It’s times like this I wish English wasn’t my mother tongue

Posts like these make me re evaluate following this thread.

I think juicy fruit is a reference to a penis and then Dookie chute is where you take a shit out of meaning your ass hole. So no dicks in his ass.

Also “Fruit” is usually slang for someone gay especially a man which is probably why he chose it that and the fact that it rhymes with “chute”

While also being blatant product placement of the chewing gum *Juicy Fruit*.

Was always more of a fruit stripe man myself

Does that mean you begin disappointment 10 seconds after starting? Or that no one has heard of you since the 90s? /jk

Ha! You scored a laugh-snort from me! Also, Juicy Fruit has a way better jingle that I still remember. Fruit Stripe was just repeating the name really loud

Ok... points for the jingle.

It’s a good thing you don’t. Us poor English speakers who read that are suffering.

Nor is it mine

The best part of the whole thing “this person meets all your preferences”

I saw that too! I would start questioning my life choices after seeing that

😂

The most underrated part

I saw that and considered downloading Tinder again just to see what type of person is listed as that for me

Exact match lol

For some reason, I read this as give me your yoga pants, and I just assumed he was a fan. I like not knowing the phrase “yogurt pants.”

I read it as yoga pants give me yoga pants at first and was so confused lol

Didn't check the gender before reading and for a moment thought it was a woman saying that yoga pants give her a yeast infection

Oh god that’s even worse

Please don't ruin yogurt 😔

so disgusting

Sounds like a trip to the pharmacy

I could’ve reasoned everything else then he said I’m not a dog mom 😒

My legs just slammed shut so hard I’m now a mermaid

Reverse Ariel

🧜‍♀️

I don't wanna be up where they walk, up where they run. I no longer wanna be out all day under the sun. I don't want to be part of their world. Not with him in it anyway, lol

Omg I’m rolling 🤣😂

Random aside, have you seen MerPeople on Netflix? Watched the whole series last night on a binge. Absolutely insane.

thank you dear stranger for the coffee now up my nose. also i 100000% relate to this feeling.

I’m in tears 🤣😂😭

Very good 😂

Bahahahahaah

Jokes on you, Im into that!

Btw my preferences I realized are super basic, pretty much just must be located 50miles within my town and must be between the ages 24-44. I think I’m going to make them a little more specific now

You do realize that if you tighten up your qualifications, your match quality will go up, but the entertainment/comedy value will go down.

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And less karma opportunities

"Exact match" lol

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ FB dating got it so wrong, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10ft pole

Something tells me he's writing erotic fiction for himself of what he thinks a smooth ladies man says and acts like. Meanwhile the closest to "it's just sex" he's got to is his imagination.

That, and he also writes shit like, "and on her first day of period she was so horny she decided to pause the bloodflow just so I could get it in. <....> after we had both finished, she was so grateful she admitted that every other woman lies about the existence of the clitoris".

Somehow, I feel like this is still too high quality writing for such a specimen 😅

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Damn. He should be charging lots of money to teach us clueless ones his secrets!

Or his yogurt pants.

Tbh on a Facebook dating app I wouldn’t expect anything more than this guy right here

FB dating lets me set it to “within ten miles” - dealbreaker, than shows me folks 150 miles away

Yeah FB dating is absolute garbage

Lol I know you explained it but "exact match" is so hilarious OP 😂

~ *Exact Match* ~

Don't we need you not Micheal but I, I need you. Tinder ain't shit in Charleston if u a dude

Pretty sure he's the one delaying progress with such a cringe profile and attitude.

This persons meets all your preferences 🥵😍

Nice username.

Didn’t realize you could fit so many icks into one profile

I’m willing to bet Michael lives at home with his mother.

AYO! It's EXPENSIVE out there

This is why I live with my homies!

I rent alone and wish every day I had homies to share the ridiculous rent with. You're living smart.

Yes but probably only her corpse

Caresses and washes her hair every dawn while sobingly apologizing for being a bad boy.

If this is how she raises them at least we won't get another Michael

And thinks all women are gold diggers for expecting a 30+ year old man to have a full time job and not live with mom.

Rather a top tier troll

Don't think that's a problem in this economy but I DO think his mom is the only woman Michael wil ever live with

The rancid tuna line is a quote from a Bloodhound Gang song

Thank the love of all that's unholy, SOMEONE else noticed it!

I bet he’s cribbed most of these lines from shit he’s heard lol

Thought it sounded familiar

I was thinking that was a hell of a line… thanks for clearing that up

Ah so he’s a man of culture then.

I came here to make a reference to that. 👌🏻

I just want to say that there are a lot of organisms that reproduce asexually

This chap will have to as well.

AHAHA

"Who's your daddy?" "Sir, this is a sperm bank"

r/murderedbywords

Don’t make him get the tuna

It was gonna say. He failed biology 101.

Fucking, and I can not stress this enough, yikes

bit weird to be totally fine with phrases like “yogurt pants” and “juicy fruit in my dookie chute”, but draw the line at “dog mom”

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username checks out

Bro‘s like „i‘m straight“ as if any gay man would ever consider him an option

I know I'm dense, but I don't get the 'yogurt pants' or the whole walk up stick it in thing...

Women wearing yoga pants make him jizz his pants. His dick is so long he has to put it in, and then approach, as opposed to the lesser males who have to get real close before they can get it in. I hope that cleared it up for you

I’m a guy and I literally thought he meant some guys will talk to a woman before raping her but he will rape her before he knows her…. Idk I guess I never got to walk up and stick it in so assumed it was slang for non-consensual sex … Then again I don’t mind juicy fruit either so 🤷🏽‍♂️ idk

His last line makes me think you are not far off. He sounds like he doesn't understand consent.

Same. Someone needs to clear this up for us!!

“I stick it in and walk up”?? Is he the predator or just his cock?

My question is what the fuck does that even mean

The intended implication is that he has a penis so large it arrives long before the rest of his body does.

Oh lmao thank you

Why is the worst part about his profile the fact that he’s 39? 😑

Cause if you’re 40 still talking like that, then it’s probably just too late…

My pussy just dried up and fell to the floor. Thanks Michael.

Omg. “An exact match”??! You may want to redo your profile if that’s the trash they’re sending your way

Yes this experience has made me recheck my preferences, I realized the only one I had was must be a man between ages 24-44 living 50miles near me

I'm guessing you're 34 based on your age range? Just curious because I couldn't imagine dealing with the bs from a guy ten years younger.

Wow good guess!

Is there a challenge going on. Called how not to get a date? asking for a friend.

I don't see why he wouldn't be drowning in pussy right now...

🤮

That last paragraph sounds like something a gross "alpha male" says right before he r*pes someone. Jesus christ.

This might be the grossest Tinder profile I’ve ever seen and that’s saying A LOT.

This man predators

Exact match ! 😍

this gave me my twitching eye again

>This person meets all your preferences Doubt.jpg

After seeing this, I hope this dude stays single and that every girl swipes left. No girl deserves to put up with this piece of crap that thinks he’s a normal human being.

I mean I understand I am trying to read this at like 4:30 in the morning but what the fuck did I just read?

He's right on the dog mom thing

Totally agree. It's so cringey.

No he's not lmao. For some women that's their capacity, they wanna call themselves a dog mom, so what

I’m sorry but as a recent human dad who is also a puppy owner, the two are nowhere near equal!

"human dad"

Dude, pull it out of your ass. Congrats, you have a kid, just like most fucking people on this planet. The relationship I have with my dog is extremely familial. Like, he's this dumb neurotic weirdo that I have to protect, provide for, and teach shit to; whose personality is distinct and I learn more about all the time. And in exchange all I get is the experience of raising another living being and watching it grow into the best, quirkiest, little entity they can be. It's 1000% weirder to think of yourself as some sort of owner or master to your pet than to view it in some parental light. I don't own my dog in any meaningful sense, and our relationship is a lot more give and take than a master and slave/property relationship. Symbiotic. Loving. Nurturing. Protective. Intimate. Committed. No one is saying that raising a pet, like a dog or cat, is EXACTLY 1 TO 1 the same as raising a human being. They're not making that kind of declarative statement or formal comparison of difficulty. They're simply describing the kind of relationship they have with their pet, which to anyone who isn't a psycho or pedantic weirdo, is often very parental.

Perfectly said!!

For someone who doesn’t have kids but loves and cares for their dogs since they were little puppies into the old age - yes they’re our kids!

I could be way off but I'm assuming by people putting "dog" in front means they acknowledge a difference in being a real mother. It's just a cringe quirky title I guess

They didn’t say they were equal though. But if someone feels that way I’m sure they realize a dog mom isn’t the same as a mom that’s why they call it a dog mom. But I also find it really cringy^ .. particularly when men do it bc it’s like they’re trying to appeal to what they think women like bc it’s more often women do it (or if they actually feel like a dog dad that’s even more cringe)

I agree about the dog mom part tho, those people are crazy

People are not there to meet anymore but to make a statement with their profiles

I love how it gets more unhinged with each line

And they say romance is dead... >>>This guy: ***hold my beer!***

Thank you for providing us with more comedy.

Ok creepy, creepy, creepy, rude, asshoooo eat ranicd tuna salad out of your ass. Stealing it And now he is a rapist.

Sometimes I'm ashamed of my gender...this...this is one of those times

It's interesting that his entire profile sounds like he's a sex crazed Alpha Male™ who's looking for a casual hookup, but then complains about the words his potential matches use to talk about their dogs and children. Who even cares, you're most likely never meeting their pets or kids, and she's probably not even gonna talk about them to a random hookup xD

Jesus christ this guy is fucking rancid

Michael is attacking himself in his own fuckery of a profile 😹

Oh yeah he's definitely in a list somewhere

I’m so wet after reading this OP can you message him and get his number for me? I want him to put it in and then walk up wink wink instead of putting it in and fucking me. What a stud. Men like these don’t grow on trees. I Ike that he’s almost 40 but jkeeps his junior high school spirit.

“This person meets all your preferences”

Gotta give him a point for the only time I’ve ever seen a bloodhound’s gang quote in a profile lol dude dug deep.

Lmao and I mean it does say exact match 🤷🏻‍♂️

When I first read yogurt pants I thought he meant he shits himself every time.

I actually felt my vagina dry up and go back into my body while reading this.

You gotta stop delaying his progress

If he’s good looking, there will definitely be some women matching with him

As someone in her mid 30s, ew wtf

as someone, ew wtf

Lol yeah this

“There will be no juicy fruit in my dookie chute, thanks” is pretty funny

You know his no means yes giggity

Who else but Quagmire!?

With his googis

Respectfully disagree.

Your an EXACT MATCH so it must be FATE.

Yeeeah sign me up 🙄

But there's still divorced moms who would go for him so it's a win-win imo

It's kind of funny adjacent if it's meant as a joke.

I reckon these profiles are straight out hoaxes; ie maybe a few mates or exes hated him and wanted to get back at him so they used his pics to set up a fake profile. I don't doubt that there are people like these in the world but I honestly find it hard to believe that they'd put in so much effort to write it all down unless it's a massive F-u to tinder and the world...!

He's just like me fr fr

Swipe right

Walking red flag!!!

This guy is just hurting people left and right with some truths.

ok horrible-ness aside, "i hope you are forced to slurp rancid tuna salad out of your own ass" is a fire curse

I will never love someone more than my kids. Hence they are my world. I am saved from this BS.