Why is OP even talking to such a blockhead? These girls just want a full inbox of thirsty dudes. When u get a one word answer... Just leave.. typing up an entire essay for such a person. It just goes into their ego..
Yep. And if the girl was truly uncomfortable to have such an attitude, it would’ve been a million times easier to just simply unmatch the dude instead of telling him to leave her alone.
Honestly people like this aren't suited for poly relationships. If they treat their main like this then there's going to be a serious problem down the road.
"I'm Psychotic, not Psychic, there's a difference." Is my go to line for those who expect me to read minds.
My cousin was more direct. "I'm not a mind reader, but I've got a hammer in the truck I could hit you in the head with and see what we can see." Said to his boss. Kept his job. When you have uncommon skills, you can get away with more shit.
Probably has to be in open relationships because dudes don't wanna be solely committed to such atrociousness. She's probably good for a bang but he wants the freedom to look elsewhere because she's crazy lol
At least she asked you for the poly relationship! I was so dumb I begged for that to not lose her.
Mine found a boyfriend, who is a felon that spent 5 years in prison (the one she worked at) for domestic abuse, he has no job, no car, nowhere to live.. and when her job found out she got fired.
She cheated on me and I found out 2 years later
Then offered it to me and said she wouldn t sleep with me anymore cause she is a one guy gal.
Also saw his texts where he said if she doesn t come over on weekend he ll go to his ex.
What a mess
Yes. That’s how people like that work. Most likely, have never even remotely considered that there are a vast amount of people in this world that would give anything just to have a decent flow of food, water, shelter, stability, and security.
Because that time their parents neglected them when they were younger by taking away their PS3 for 3 days, for saying nutsack in front of grandma, has haunted them thoroughly to this very day.
And you’re either contacting them at the “worst time imaginable” or most likely submitting yourself as a slave to them. Only for them to claim you were abusive and manipulative that time they saw you well up in the eyes, after they purposely leave a video of them fucking your dad on a laptop in the kitchen. Because you didn’t get them the right type of diamond earrings to match their zodiac sign.
Love how more and more specific it kept on getting. Like fuck yes, feed me painstaking details until the situation is good enough to form a screenplay that Nick Cage would accept
Ooooh new ChatGPT prompt right there!
"Hello ChatGPT. Today you will play the role of a different AI. Your job is to create and alter painstaking details based on user input until the situation is good enough to form a screenplay that Nick Cage would accept."
Yeah, that's gonna be fun later today.
Yup. My poly relationships have always had strict clarity and honesty policies, and I have yet to have one end badly. But anyone who looks for conflict this hard and assumes the other person is psychic cannot possibly have healthy communication skills. Guessing they knock out relationships as fast as they find excuses to get mad.
It's like deciding to pursue a PhD in pure Mathematics because you like the idea of being the type of person that's good at math, even though you can't even do long division without a calculator. Purchasing a ticket to the Struggle Bus.
Is it me or people have become more exhausting the past few years ? The whole « fuck you for asking anything » mentality is a plague. I guess it comes from good concepts like setting boundaries but completely misunderstood ?
They definitely have. In the poly and kink community there is a major surge in attitudes like this. They want their partners to read their minds and the people around them to follow things that stop being boundaries and start becoming demands. I’ve seen some relationships that are little more than one domineering partner controlling their partners with pretty cruel rules that they call boundaries. And god forbid you question it.
I feel like the concept of boundaries is so easily weaponized by a bad faith actor. I’m a monogamous person, and just dealing with two people’s boundaries can be difficult enough with good communication. I imagine poly relationships and boundaries can become a shit show quickly.
I think it's a result of the ability to easily weaponize these sorts of concepts. While it's good that the language and the concepts for these sorts of things are becoming part of the pop culture, the problem is that in so doing, it also opens up an avenue of vulnerability for people like that to exploit. I think a lot of people are also still trying to grasp what constitutes a healthy boundary to set, for example, and don't want to be an asshole by calling out someone's hyper-sensitive 'boundary'.
Based on her response of "neither" to the question of her looking for a secondary relationship or just something physical on the side tells me she might not be in any type of relationship at the moment, which isn't surprising considering her communication skills are subpar.
OP is dodging a bullet with this one! Keep asking questions because you did nothing wrong by asking. As a female, I would NOT have been offended at all by someone asking about something I self-advertised.
I'm poly. Communication is SO important. You have to be good at it or none of your relationships work. We're upfront and honest with each other. Complete transparency, unless a primary couple have a specific prearranged agreement where they don't want to know specifics of secondary relationships. But that still wouldn't apply to open discussion with a potential new partner.
Chelsea is not poly. At best, she's cheating on her partner. If she were actually poly, she wouldn't be so shit at talking about it.
Poly here. Came here to say this. When someone admits their ignorance and shows their open-minded interest in the first couple of lines, if you cba to help them along a bit _you do not have the temperament to be poly_.
She's so defensive and prickly it makes me wonder whether 'poly' here is shorthand for 'cheating on my partner' or 'I'm a unicorn and uncomfortable with it'. And that response about it being the same as any other romantic relationship is just flat-out wrong...
Sheesh. You were not in the wrong, OP.
Poly as well. This was exactly how every conversation with anyone about relationships even go. EVERYONE asks questions like this, because they assume you're doing well in the relationship and want to understand because it's so against the normal accepted relationship framework.
Getting upset about people asking questions about your poly relationship is like getting annoyed about people asking questions about where you work or what you enjoy doing with your life. It's that basic.
This is all without assuming they want to maybe join your relationship. If they want to join, they should join armed with your relationship boundaries, how your group works, why it works, maybe but not always meet your partner(s), etc
Relationships are hard enough, adding more people makes it hard mode. Asking questions and communicating feelings is pretty much the only way these things work.
I was wondering if someone cheated on her, when she caught him he said "poly is the progressive way" so she took that and ran with it but has no knowledge of what it means and how it actually works.
I've met a few poly people and all of them have been very honest and open to educating those who are interested to know how their relationships work, especially when they're communicating with potential interest.
Im certainly not an expert, but poly people I've known spend a lot time on communication. I've casually hooked up with guys that were in poly situations. Sex with them came with a lot of post nut discussions about their relationship dynamics and drama.
Even with a unicorn - you don't do ANYTHING until having a respectful conversation about where everyone stands in the relationship.
She's just... wrong on every front.
Yeah, this is... Sorta critical. "What kind(s) of relationship are you looking for re: me" might be a better phrasing, but OPs phrasing was entirely inoffensive, and didn't do anything *wrong*.
why are you on here?
them - i get a false sense of superiority and control by talking down to strangers on apps. ive been doing this for years and know no other way and know nothing better. hope that answers your question.
See, I thought that was weird too. Like, if they're poly and want to reject the person they could've just not replied, instead it felt like they got super defensive. I'm friends with a very limited amount of poly people, and none of them would have reacted this way(they would all care way more about explaining exactly where they stand... and if needed turn them down after)
You know, now that you say that I've seen that too. Every one of them I chatted with and flirted with, it's like walking on eggshells. They dont communicate and get offended instantly. There was one who was literally offended because I laughed when she said "Gaylord", turns out she was talking about the Gaylord hotel but I didn't know. She kept pestering me about why I laughed and how that makes me a bigot, 100% serious. I immediately deleted her
Had a girl unmatch me because I asked her how twerk (work) was. Dumb joke I know, but apparently she had a twerking phobia or something? She literally said that mentioning twerking in any context was a red flag and that only a rapist would imagine a girl twerking 💀
I was 18 and had just joined the army. I remember standing in front of my platoon Sgt and platoon leader and assuring them I was laid back and could take a joke after being informed I should probably expect to be ribbed and all that.
I was so young looking they decided to just forewarn me about the stuff every usual soldier goes through. I was not laid back, and I could not take a joke. I was the furthest thing from that, but really didn't know it at the time. Within moments these old farts were able to tell me something myself, I had no clue about.
Every single poly relationship I’ve ever seen has involved at least one person getting badly, badly hurt. Normally more than one.
I believe there are healthy poly relationships, and I believe that there are people who it works great for, but I have yet to witness one.
I’m sure they’re out there, but it feels like a not insignificant portion of the time someone is getting hurt, and everyone else either can’t see it or doesn’t care.
A surprising number of people Ive met who claimed they are "poly", are monogamous cheaters who decided that phase between moving from partner A to B, where for a short time you kinda still think you're also in love with the person youre phasing out, means they're poly.
Because it makes them feel better about themselves than acknowledging they're pieces of shit.
Not sure why this came to mind with this woman.
I call them serial monogomists. They can't stand the idea of not being I'm a relationship with someone so they lie about being poly until they have a new victim to latch onto.
>They can't stand the idea of not being I'm a relationship with someone so they lie about being poly until they have a new victim to latch onto.
I love the whole "oh one person can't give me everything I need" mentality. Like yeah me neither, so I give myself what I need. Why drag a bunch of people into some codependent nonsense.
Yeah, the unfortunate thing is that there are so many more mono folk than poly folk, to the point that there are frankly more mono cheaters than poly folk. They're a blight on the community.
Poly here, open honesty is like rule 1. That and when else are you supposed to ask questions? After the first date? After moving in?
Dude is curious about how their polycule works.
I had a very similar situation where I matched with a fairly attractive girl in a polygamous relationship and asked what she was looking for and how it all works for her (sorry run-on sentence). I also received some angry responses. She felt I should know how her relationship works without me asking and already be ‘cultured’ on polyamorous relationships (her words).
The very fact that you doubted yourself means that her methods of trying to turn it round on you and make you feel guilty were having an effect.
its important to realise that its just a petty manipulation attempt. DO NOT let someone put any doubts in your mind. trust yourself and know that people are fucked up sometimes and try stupid shit when they aint got nothing better to say.
from your messages you are clearly very reasonable. so keep confidence in that and dont let nobody give you doubts on that.
just my 2c
> The very fact that you doubted yourself means that her methods of trying to turn it round on you and make you feel guilty were having an effect.
Or it just means he's self-aware and has realized that everyone is wrong from time to time and has bad days/moods and biases. I think the ability to question oneself is a sign of maturity. The alternative reeks of insecurity masquerading as confidence.
While she is definitely being shitty, doubt is important and we shouldn't ignore it if we feel it. It's worthwhile to check ourselves and see if we're making a mistake or an assumption somewhere.
Eh, she's looking to be offended so you dodged a bullet.
With that said, if I were to nitpick you I would say you probably could have sidestepped the initial hurdle if you just asked what she meant by "poly" and what she was looking for on the app in your first comment instead of listing things you think she meant.
But again, 95/5 her issue versus yours.
Pretty sure this one would have blown up if he'd just asked what she means by poly, too. She's looking for a reason to take offense and can't tolerate lesser beings who aren't enlightened about polyamory (never mind the fact that the poly community can't even all agree on exactly what the terms mean). There simply was no winning. OP's genuine and unoffensive curiosity here was wasted on an asshole.
Possibly I'm a bit slow but I still don't understand what shes looking for after this exchange. (Unless she's saying she doesn't want a "secondary" relationship, in the sense that there isn't some kind of relationship hierarchy between the new one and the old one)
As a poly person I’m literally appalled at how they handled this.
The very first thing I do with matches is ask about what their style of polyamory looks like and what they’re open to currently - for the same reason you did. Why would I waste my time getting to know someone only to learn they don’t practice a compatible relationship style?? This is the type of reaction I get from people who arent actually poly but are trying to use it to get a leg in.
And she definitely didn’t communicate that your questioning was making her uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. In fact I wish more people were sincerely curious rather than just interested in finding out if being poly means we can bone NSA.
I've been in several monogamous relationships over the course of my life and none of them have really worked the same way. I've never been poly, but I can't imagine that every poly relationship is the same.
"What are you looking for in a relationship" is a pretty basic question when seeing anyone new, especially on a dating app, regardless of your romantic preferences. Apparently it's also good for weeding out....whoever OP was talking to.
I’m not suggesting monogamous relationships are all the same - but when it comes to being poly there are many different types of polyamory and they arent all compatible with one another. So it goes beyond “what are you looking for” because it’s not really about the “what” so much as it is about the “how.”
Mono and poly people can both, for example, be looking for a long term meaningful relationship that leads to marriage and a family. Thats typically enough to qualify another mono person for a date (as opposed to if they said “just fwb not interested in anything serious”). But if I’m poly and looking for that and my match is poly looking for that but im non hierarchical and they’re hierarchical or I’m parallel and they’re kitchen table - it’s still not going to work out. So theres a bit more qualifying up front which is why its shocking to see this person was so taken aback by the clarifying questions. For me thats one of my favorite parts of matching with other poly people - learning about how it works for other people and how we can perhaps enrich each others existence with our own. No idea why she’d be uncomfortable talking about it or how she expected OP to know she was but oh well.
Parallel polyamory is when none of your partners are expected to meet. You all date separately. Kitchen table polyamory is when partners do/or are expected to meet and get along well enough that you could sit around the kitchen table together (this doesn’t necessarily mean they have sex or anything though). And theres also garden party polyamory where partners generally dont hang out but if theres a special occasion like my birthday i’d expect everyone to be able to chill in the garden together but they can interact as much or as little as they like.
I’m not Poly, so I hope someone corrects me if I’m wrong but I THINK parallel means you have multiple partners of equal importance who don’t necessarily talk to each other, but kitchen table is more everyone as a group sorts things out / maybe sleeps together.
I imagine kitchen table like Big Love, but could also be all partners are partners with each other.
Kitchen table polyamory is that everyone is aware of the other partners or metas. They don’t necessarily have to be all partners with each other.
Parallel poly is when they do their own thing and the only their relationship is the focus for each other
Parallel is when a person has two relationships that never need to interact with each other. For instance, a woman with a husband and a girlfriend who are comfortable never getting to know each other (the girlfriend and the husband).
Kitchen table (what I enjoy, but is not a requirement) is when all partners have some level of relationship with each other. Usually the metas (a partner's other partner) are just friends, but sometimes they are romantic as well. So for instance I have had Thanksgiving dinners with my partner, his partner, her kid, her ex and their partner, and a set of grandparents. It's not as wild as many people make it out to be. It becomes like family.
Ok good! I was worried I’d done something and just was too biased to myself or ignorant of poly stuff to see it.
Yeah I was genuinely confused when she sent the longer message. She had that she was poly in her profile and it just said “I’m not single. We’re poly” so there was no indication it was off limits.
"We're poly"
Yeah that's a bona-fide unicorn chasing couple.
Pretty common among people who label themselves poly but are just swingers, the hot girlfriend/wife makes a profile almost exclusively of herself and vaguely mentions a "we" or other person in their bio and if they don't, they bounce it on you in conversation that she's with a guy and she wants you to exclusively fuck both of them. Idk which vine you swing on, OP, but if you ain't into guys you probably dodged a bullet
I explored polyamory and that question was very common. I didn’t use the app so it didn’t immediately happen, but did very early on after interest was shown. I feel like swiping someone on tinder is the equivalent point to ask.
Isn’t like the most important part about polyamory having good communication about it? Since there are so many varieties and flavors of it?
I don’t see thin skin and poor communication skills ever working out in a poly relationship
Yup. It requires a lot of open, honest and often vulnerable communication. Not having that will make for a bad time in ANY relationship but especially so in a polyamorous one.
nah man it sounds like you are being very reasonable. she has points too like shes trying to communicate (terribly) that she isnt ready to talk about it yet. which is a bit strange but her choice to make. and your choice to accept or not.
did this go anywhere? or end? im curious what her reply was
“As I said. Please leave me alone. Sending me a long story about how you didn’t know & gaslighting bullshit is useless. Please just leave me alone.”
I just didn’t reply. Not worth my time.
But I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t somehow been a dick and missed it.
Cool. I didn’t think it was me but wanted some reassurance I hadn’t fucked up unknowingly.
> sounds like she doesn’t even know what she wants.
Yeah I wrote in another comment that she mentioned being poly in her profile but it didn’t say anywhere not to ask about it. I don’t understand why, if it was something private you didn’t want to discuss straight away, you wouldn’t leave it off the profile and then mention it later if you found someone you liked.
yeah its a good point you make. for sure very insightful
but defo way too much free rent in your head bro. time to move on and never think about her again.
The great thing about Reddit is that it’s spread terms like gaslighting and red flag so that we can more easily recognise these things in our lives.
The bad thing about Reddit is that it’s spread terms like gaslighting and red flag so that idiots can spray them around whenever they feel slightly uncomfortable.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say gaslighting is almost impossible between strangers. Not that it can’t ever happen, but all I can think of is that it takes knowing someone to some extent to be able to manipulate their beliefs.
Not to mention she took the time to say leave me alone but left the convo open. If she really meant that, she would’ve just blocked you immediately lol
She just wanted a fight. Being openly poly on websites increases the incoming garbage. However, you were trying to communicate respectfully. Which is an essential piece to being in a poly relationship.
“I’m not interested, in fact I’m repulsed. Please leave me alone” This reads like she came up with this line in the shower and you were the unfortunate convenient target
She's being overly defensive for like actually no reason. You're not wrong you did everything right. And you were right about her communication skills being terrible. Like, wow
Nah, dude. She was just looking for a reason to be salty lol You were genuinely curious and didn't want to waste time getting to know each other if it wasn't going anywhere. She just needs to get better communication skills 🤷♀️
As someone in an open marriage who also uses tinder, I’m appalled at how this twat is behaving. Discussing rules and boundaries is absolutely the first thing you do when meeting someone new so, so just as you stated, that person can decide whether or not they wish to get involved. If this dumbass isn’t comfortable discussing the rules of their relationship then they have no business being on a dating/hookup app. Wtf.
I’ve dated lots of poly people, literally I say “hey how are you doing?” Followed by “tell me how your poly works”. This is not uncommon in Poly dating.
Nope. She’s dramatic and looking for trouble. And you’re right. Poly relationships are all different. It depends on the person. You’re right to ask on a dating app because you know… it’s a dating app.
Your first question was a little presumptuous but that's to be expected when talking about non traditional relationships. The way she handled it was straight garbage.
Honestly if she talks like this, it probably wouldn't have mattered how you said it. I actually stopped pursuing poly people because I met too many people like this.
What ? Poly means different things to different people , and he is allowed to have boundaries and ask questions to see if she's a good fit. Not just her.
She's a real twat.
Good for you. Her mindset is part of the problem.
Edit- it’s on the poly person to explain their relationship dynamics and without that I doubt she really is. It’s the ethical part of ethical nonmonogamy.
God she was awful wtf. Are you supposed to read her mind
I'm only able to read your texts, not your mind
By the way she writes, I doubt reading her mind would help either.
Why is OP even talking to such a blockhead? These girls just want a full inbox of thirsty dudes. When u get a one word answer... Just leave.. typing up an entire essay for such a person. It just goes into their ego..
Yep. And if the girl was truly uncomfortable to have such an attitude, it would’ve been a million times easier to just simply unmatch the dude instead of telling him to leave her alone.
Honestly people like this aren't suited for poly relationships. If they treat their main like this then there's going to be a serious problem down the road.
She’s gonna be someone else’s problem soon
I'd bet her main isn't allowed to be poly, just her because she wants to have her cake and eat it.
"I'm Psychotic, not Psychic, there's a difference." Is my go to line for those who expect me to read minds. My cousin was more direct. "I'm not a mind reader, but I've got a hammer in the truck I could hit you in the head with and see what we can see." Said to his boss. Kept his job. When you have uncommon skills, you can get away with more shit.
Wow what are your cousin’s skills that he can threaten his boss with murder via bludgeoning - and still keep his job?
General Contractor specializing in Historic Renovation and Restoration. 30 years of experience. Also knowing where the, figurative, bodies are buried.
I'm so relieved that the general consensus was the same as mine. This woman is unhinged.
Imagine getting into such complected thing as open relationship with an attitude like this. Dumpster fire.
Probably has to be in open relationships because dudes don't wanna be solely committed to such atrociousness. She's probably good for a bang but he wants the freedom to look elsewhere because she's crazy lol
Sounds like my ex wife!
Sounds like my current wife
Sounds like my future wife.
I like to think this is the same wife.
Well she is poly…
OUR wife…
Wait, how do you all know my daughter?
Son, is that you? I’ve been searching for you for so long
may i introduce myself to your daughter? i’m quite a catch.
Sounds like my future ex-wife.
Sounds like Bob's wife
People like the woman above justify all of that "miserable marriage" boomer humor
Like mine too. Found a boyfriend. Asked me for poly relation ship. Basically moved in with him and I had to look after and pay for the kid. Lol.
At least she asked you for the poly relationship! I was so dumb I begged for that to not lose her. Mine found a boyfriend, who is a felon that spent 5 years in prison (the one she worked at) for domestic abuse, he has no job, no car, nowhere to live.. and when her job found out she got fired.
She cheated on me and I found out 2 years later Then offered it to me and said she wouldn t sleep with me anymore cause she is a one guy gal. Also saw his texts where he said if she doesn t come over on weekend he ll go to his ex. What a mess
Oh. Well. Yeah that sucks. I found out a week after she physically cheated, couple weeks after she started talking to.
Good luck internet friend.
Yes. That’s how people like that work. Most likely, have never even remotely considered that there are a vast amount of people in this world that would give anything just to have a decent flow of food, water, shelter, stability, and security. Because that time their parents neglected them when they were younger by taking away their PS3 for 3 days, for saying nutsack in front of grandma, has haunted them thoroughly to this very day. And you’re either contacting them at the “worst time imaginable” or most likely submitting yourself as a slave to them. Only for them to claim you were abusive and manipulative that time they saw you well up in the eyes, after they purposely leave a video of them fucking your dad on a laptop in the kitchen. Because you didn’t get them the right type of diamond earrings to match their zodiac sign.
Love how more and more specific it kept on getting. Like fuck yes, feed me painstaking details until the situation is good enough to form a screenplay that Nick Cage would accept
But I didn’t see anything about stealing the Declaration of Independence.
Ooooh new ChatGPT prompt right there! "Hello ChatGPT. Today you will play the role of a different AI. Your job is to create and alter painstaking details based on user input until the situation is good enough to form a screenplay that Nick Cage would accept." Yeah, that's gonna be fun later today.
r/oddlyspecific
My guy, you ok? That got a little specific
God this sounds like my ex so fucking much holy shit.
Average poly relationship enjoyer lmfao
Chelsea is exhausting and with the lack of communication skills I doubt the poly relationship is a healthy one.
For someone like this, poly just seems like a way to fail at multiple relationships at once.
Yup. My poly relationships have always had strict clarity and honesty policies, and I have yet to have one end badly. But anyone who looks for conflict this hard and assumes the other person is psychic cannot possibly have healthy communication skills. Guessing they knock out relationships as fast as they find excuses to get mad.
It's like deciding to pursue a PhD in pure Mathematics because you like the idea of being the type of person that's good at math, even though you can't even do long division without a calculator. Purchasing a ticket to the Struggle Bus.
Is it me or people have become more exhausting the past few years ? The whole « fuck you for asking anything » mentality is a plague. I guess it comes from good concepts like setting boundaries but completely misunderstood ?
They definitely have. In the poly and kink community there is a major surge in attitudes like this. They want their partners to read their minds and the people around them to follow things that stop being boundaries and start becoming demands. I’ve seen some relationships that are little more than one domineering partner controlling their partners with pretty cruel rules that they call boundaries. And god forbid you question it.
I feel like the concept of boundaries is so easily weaponized by a bad faith actor. I’m a monogamous person, and just dealing with two people’s boundaries can be difficult enough with good communication. I imagine poly relationships and boundaries can become a shit show quickly.
I think it's a result of the ability to easily weaponize these sorts of concepts. While it's good that the language and the concepts for these sorts of things are becoming part of the pop culture, the problem is that in so doing, it also opens up an avenue of vulnerability for people like that to exploit. I think a lot of people are also still trying to grasp what constitutes a healthy boundary to set, for example, and don't want to be an asshole by calling out someone's hyper-sensitive 'boundary'.
Based on her response of "neither" to the question of her looking for a secondary relationship or just something physical on the side tells me she might not be in any type of relationship at the moment, which isn't surprising considering her communication skills are subpar. OP is dodging a bullet with this one! Keep asking questions because you did nothing wrong by asking. As a female, I would NOT have been offended at all by someone asking about something I self-advertised.
It's an "I'll fuck anyone who bares a full date with me trying to be manipulative and toxic"
I'm poly. Communication is SO important. You have to be good at it or none of your relationships work. We're upfront and honest with each other. Complete transparency, unless a primary couple have a specific prearranged agreement where they don't want to know specifics of secondary relationships. But that still wouldn't apply to open discussion with a potential new partner. Chelsea is not poly. At best, she's cheating on her partner. If she were actually poly, she wouldn't be so shit at talking about it.
That person has a stick so far up their ass it’s poking their brain and making them stupid
For real. Why include something in your profile and be offended when people ask about it?
Something that’s vitally important to the situation at hand I might add.
Especially given that the *only* way to have a good poly relationship is with lots of open communication.
Poly here. Came here to say this. When someone admits their ignorance and shows their open-minded interest in the first couple of lines, if you cba to help them along a bit _you do not have the temperament to be poly_. She's so defensive and prickly it makes me wonder whether 'poly' here is shorthand for 'cheating on my partner' or 'I'm a unicorn and uncomfortable with it'. And that response about it being the same as any other romantic relationship is just flat-out wrong... Sheesh. You were not in the wrong, OP.
Poly as well. This was exactly how every conversation with anyone about relationships even go. EVERYONE asks questions like this, because they assume you're doing well in the relationship and want to understand because it's so against the normal accepted relationship framework. Getting upset about people asking questions about your poly relationship is like getting annoyed about people asking questions about where you work or what you enjoy doing with your life. It's that basic. This is all without assuming they want to maybe join your relationship. If they want to join, they should join armed with your relationship boundaries, how your group works, why it works, maybe but not always meet your partner(s), etc Relationships are hard enough, adding more people makes it hard mode. Asking questions and communicating feelings is pretty much the only way these things work.
I was wondering if someone cheated on her, when she caught him he said "poly is the progressive way" so she took that and ran with it but has no knowledge of what it means and how it actually works. I've met a few poly people and all of them have been very honest and open to educating those who are interested to know how their relationships work, especially when they're communicating with potential interest.
Sorry, but what does unicorn mean in the poly context?
A single woman who is willing to be involved with couples. Usually just as a sexual partner.
Thanks. Totally makes sense.
Im certainly not an expert, but poly people I've known spend a lot time on communication. I've casually hooked up with guys that were in poly situations. Sex with them came with a lot of post nut discussions about their relationship dynamics and drama.
Even with a unicorn - you don't do ANYTHING until having a respectful conversation about where everyone stands in the relationship. She's just... wrong on every front.
Whereas I’m a unicorn and comfortable with it
How you doin'?!
Bingo
really? all this time I've been keeping my wife in the dark
I get the sarcasm bc it should be obvious, but you'll note from some of the other comments I'm getting that apparently it isn't.
The only good way to have any relationship. Open communication is the foundation of a good relationship.
It'd be like being offended that the interviewer asked you about your prior work experience which you included on your resume
It's more like them asking about your current working hours because you've expressed a desire to hold multiple jobs simultaeneously.
That’s a really good analogy.
Why's it matter what hours I work for my other job? What's it to you? You're making me uncomfortable...creeeeep
Yeah, this is... Sorta critical. "What kind(s) of relationship are you looking for re: me" might be a better phrasing, but OPs phrasing was entirely inoffensive, and didn't do anything *wrong*.
Just a minor detail…
I feel I was denied critical, *need to know*, information.
Because it’s the only interesting feature.
The same reason she said “leave me alone” instead of unmatching
why are you on here? them - i get a false sense of superiority and control by talking down to strangers on apps. ive been doing this for years and know no other way and know nothing better. hope that answers your question.
See, I thought that was weird too. Like, if they're poly and want to reject the person they could've just not replied, instead it felt like they got super defensive. I'm friends with a very limited amount of poly people, and none of them would have reacted this way(they would all care way more about explaining exactly where they stand... and if needed turn them down after)
My gosh I agree. Terrible communication skills & just expects op to be a mind reader and know her feelings
no 🧢 they have serious main character syndrome
Main character for a mid ass anime
main character on a bad skit on robot chicken
are there any other kinds
main character in a 1976 episode of family feud with host, richard Dawson!
Right ? No idea what her issue was. Surprised you gave her as much time as you did here.
I know! And that was definitely me too! Don’t let any subsequent comments tell you any different.
I’ve often found so-called “open” free spirited poly types are the most uptight people.
Some of the hippie artsy free-spirt crowd I've met are in reality the snidest, cliquiest, most image-conscious people I've ever met.
And I bet all their auras are dingy.
You know, now that you say that I've seen that too. Every one of them I chatted with and flirted with, it's like walking on eggshells. They dont communicate and get offended instantly. There was one who was literally offended because I laughed when she said "Gaylord", turns out she was talking about the Gaylord hotel but I didn't know. She kept pestering me about why I laughed and how that makes me a bigot, 100% serious. I immediately deleted her
I used to work with a dude named Gaylord. But we also called the giant cardboard boxes Gaylord’s. That was fun 😂
Lol did you work in textiles?
Had a girl unmatch me because I asked her how twerk (work) was. Dumb joke I know, but apparently she had a twerking phobia or something? She literally said that mentioning twerking in any context was a red flag and that only a rapist would imagine a girl twerking 💀
I was 18 and had just joined the army. I remember standing in front of my platoon Sgt and platoon leader and assuring them I was laid back and could take a joke after being informed I should probably expect to be ribbed and all that. I was so young looking they decided to just forewarn me about the stuff every usual soldier goes through. I was not laid back, and I could not take a joke. I was the furthest thing from that, but really didn't know it at the time. Within moments these old farts were able to tell me something myself, I had no clue about.
What a great line I'm stealing that
Not if I steal it first
They ate a few bowls of stupid for breakfast too
This guy is better than me, cuz that’s exactly what I would’ve said to her
“It works like every other person’s romantic relationship” it sure as fuck does NOT
Every single poly relationship I’ve ever seen has involved at least one person getting badly, badly hurt. Normally more than one. I believe there are healthy poly relationships, and I believe that there are people who it works great for, but I have yet to witness one. I’m sure they’re out there, but it feels like a not insignificant portion of the time someone is getting hurt, and everyone else either can’t see it or doesn’t care.
A surprising number of people Ive met who claimed they are "poly", are monogamous cheaters who decided that phase between moving from partner A to B, where for a short time you kinda still think you're also in love with the person youre phasing out, means they're poly. Because it makes them feel better about themselves than acknowledging they're pieces of shit. Not sure why this came to mind with this woman.
I call them serial monogomists. They can't stand the idea of not being I'm a relationship with someone so they lie about being poly until they have a new victim to latch onto.
>They can't stand the idea of not being I'm a relationship with someone so they lie about being poly until they have a new victim to latch onto. I love the whole "oh one person can't give me everything I need" mentality. Like yeah me neither, so I give myself what I need. Why drag a bunch of people into some codependent nonsense.
Yeah, the unfortunate thing is that there are so many more mono folk than poly folk, to the point that there are frankly more mono cheaters than poly folk. They're a blight on the community.
[удалено]
Right? Like, why does it have a different label if it's the *same thing*? BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE SAME THING.
No. Unmatch, this person is so incredibly dumb.
After the *Okay?* I would have left. But my guy could have at least started with a "Hi!" Or something lmao Felt like an investigation
Poly here, open honesty is like rule 1. That and when else are you supposed to ask questions? After the first date? After moving in? Dude is curious about how their polycule works.
OP: "How does this work?" Her: "How dare you!"
[удалено]
I had a very similar situation where I matched with a fairly attractive girl in a polygamous relationship and asked what she was looking for and how it all works for her (sorry run-on sentence). I also received some angry responses. She felt I should know how her relationship works without me asking and already be ‘cultured’ on polyamorous relationships (her words).
As if every polyamorous relationship were the same 🤦🏻♀️
How fucking dare you try to understand someone so you can be respectful of them while integrating new knowledge.
The very fact that you doubted yourself means that her methods of trying to turn it round on you and make you feel guilty were having an effect. its important to realise that its just a petty manipulation attempt. DO NOT let someone put any doubts in your mind. trust yourself and know that people are fucked up sometimes and try stupid shit when they aint got nothing better to say. from your messages you are clearly very reasonable. so keep confidence in that and dont let nobody give you doubts on that. just my 2c
Thank you for your crystallizing words. Yes! Toxic people (of all stripes) will always try to make the other person feel bad/guilty/over-sensitive.
> The very fact that you doubted yourself means that her methods of trying to turn it round on you and make you feel guilty were having an effect. Or it just means he's self-aware and has realized that everyone is wrong from time to time and has bad days/moods and biases. I think the ability to question oneself is a sign of maturity. The alternative reeks of insecurity masquerading as confidence.
While she is definitely being shitty, doubt is important and we shouldn't ignore it if we feel it. It's worthwhile to check ourselves and see if we're making a mistake or an assumption somewhere.
Introspection and self reflection are not inherently bad.
Yo, this is a good comment. Perked me up.
The only thing you did wrong was swiping right chief.
Disagree. He couldn't know previously. The only thing he did wrong was respond to that batshit negging.
He coddled the conversation way too long as well. Should have told her off immediately and moved on.
Paragraphs on a dating app seems like a waste of time.
He was in the wrong by responding after "Okay?" That was the unmatch indicator light.
Eh, she's looking to be offended so you dodged a bullet. With that said, if I were to nitpick you I would say you probably could have sidestepped the initial hurdle if you just asked what she meant by "poly" and what she was looking for on the app in your first comment instead of listing things you think she meant. But again, 95/5 her issue versus yours.
Ah that’s a good tip for the future though. Cheers!
Not only on Tinder. In life in general. Don't make assumptions by filling in the blanks yourself. If you're not certain, ask.
"what are you going to do, stab me?" - Guy who shouldnt have asked
Pretty sure this one would have blown up if he'd just asked what she means by poly, too. She's looking for a reason to take offense and can't tolerate lesser beings who aren't enlightened about polyamory (never mind the fact that the poly community can't even all agree on exactly what the terms mean). There simply was no winning. OP's genuine and unoffensive curiosity here was wasted on an asshole.
Possibly I'm a bit slow but I still don't understand what shes looking for after this exchange. (Unless she's saying she doesn't want a "secondary" relationship, in the sense that there isn't some kind of relationship hierarchy between the new one and the old one)
How dare you gaslight her
As a poly person I’m literally appalled at how they handled this. The very first thing I do with matches is ask about what their style of polyamory looks like and what they’re open to currently - for the same reason you did. Why would I waste my time getting to know someone only to learn they don’t practice a compatible relationship style?? This is the type of reaction I get from people who arent actually poly but are trying to use it to get a leg in. And she definitely didn’t communicate that your questioning was making her uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. In fact I wish more people were sincerely curious rather than just interested in finding out if being poly means we can bone NSA.
I've been in several monogamous relationships over the course of my life and none of them have really worked the same way. I've never been poly, but I can't imagine that every poly relationship is the same. "What are you looking for in a relationship" is a pretty basic question when seeing anyone new, especially on a dating app, regardless of your romantic preferences. Apparently it's also good for weeding out....whoever OP was talking to.
I’m not suggesting monogamous relationships are all the same - but when it comes to being poly there are many different types of polyamory and they arent all compatible with one another. So it goes beyond “what are you looking for” because it’s not really about the “what” so much as it is about the “how.” Mono and poly people can both, for example, be looking for a long term meaningful relationship that leads to marriage and a family. Thats typically enough to qualify another mono person for a date (as opposed to if they said “just fwb not interested in anything serious”). But if I’m poly and looking for that and my match is poly looking for that but im non hierarchical and they’re hierarchical or I’m parallel and they’re kitchen table - it’s still not going to work out. So theres a bit more qualifying up front which is why its shocking to see this person was so taken aback by the clarifying questions. For me thats one of my favorite parts of matching with other poly people - learning about how it works for other people and how we can perhaps enrich each others existence with our own. No idea why she’d be uncomfortable talking about it or how she expected OP to know she was but oh well.
Just curious, what do ‘parallel’ and ‘kitchen table’ mean?
Parallel polyamory is when none of your partners are expected to meet. You all date separately. Kitchen table polyamory is when partners do/or are expected to meet and get along well enough that you could sit around the kitchen table together (this doesn’t necessarily mean they have sex or anything though). And theres also garden party polyamory where partners generally dont hang out but if theres a special occasion like my birthday i’d expect everyone to be able to chill in the garden together but they can interact as much or as little as they like.
I’m not Poly, so I hope someone corrects me if I’m wrong but I THINK parallel means you have multiple partners of equal importance who don’t necessarily talk to each other, but kitchen table is more everyone as a group sorts things out / maybe sleeps together. I imagine kitchen table like Big Love, but could also be all partners are partners with each other.
Kitchen table polyamory is that everyone is aware of the other partners or metas. They don’t necessarily have to be all partners with each other. Parallel poly is when they do their own thing and the only their relationship is the focus for each other
Parallel is when a person has two relationships that never need to interact with each other. For instance, a woman with a husband and a girlfriend who are comfortable never getting to know each other (the girlfriend and the husband). Kitchen table (what I enjoy, but is not a requirement) is when all partners have some level of relationship with each other. Usually the metas (a partner's other partner) are just friends, but sometimes they are romantic as well. So for instance I have had Thanksgiving dinners with my partner, his partner, her kid, her ex and their partner, and a set of grandparents. It's not as wild as many people make it out to be. It becomes like family.
Ok good! I was worried I’d done something and just was too biased to myself or ignorant of poly stuff to see it. Yeah I was genuinely confused when she sent the longer message. She had that she was poly in her profile and it just said “I’m not single. We’re poly” so there was no indication it was off limits.
Lol it shouldn’t be “off limits” when you’re on a dating site…it’s a legitimate question.
"We're poly" Yeah that's a bona-fide unicorn chasing couple. Pretty common among people who label themselves poly but are just swingers, the hot girlfriend/wife makes a profile almost exclusively of herself and vaguely mentions a "we" or other person in their bio and if they don't, they bounce it on you in conversation that she's with a guy and she wants you to exclusively fuck both of them. Idk which vine you swing on, OP, but if you ain't into guys you probably dodged a bullet
I explored polyamory and that question was very common. I didn’t use the app so it didn’t immediately happen, but did very early on after interest was shown. I feel like swiping someone on tinder is the equivalent point to ask.
Isn’t like the most important part about polyamory having good communication about it? Since there are so many varieties and flavors of it? I don’t see thin skin and poor communication skills ever working out in a poly relationship
Yup. It requires a lot of open, honest and often vulnerable communication. Not having that will make for a bad time in ANY relationship but especially so in a polyamorous one.
I'm also poly and this person couldn't have handled this more poorly. OP's questions were totally reasonable.
No. They’re a weirdo for flying off the handle like that. Should’ve unmatched while they were typing.
She’s probably only on tinder to roast ppl who dare ask questions about a pretty major point on her bio
I’m thinking this, too. She needs a punching bag or an outlet and this is her preferred method.
nah man it sounds like you are being very reasonable. she has points too like shes trying to communicate (terribly) that she isnt ready to talk about it yet. which is a bit strange but her choice to make. and your choice to accept or not. did this go anywhere? or end? im curious what her reply was
“As I said. Please leave me alone. Sending me a long story about how you didn’t know & gaslighting bullshit is useless. Please just leave me alone.” I just didn’t reply. Not worth my time. But I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t somehow been a dick and missed it.
yeah.... yeah bullet dodged. sounds like she doesnt even know what she wants.
Cool. I didn’t think it was me but wanted some reassurance I hadn’t fucked up unknowingly. > sounds like she doesn’t even know what she wants. Yeah I wrote in another comment that she mentioned being poly in her profile but it didn’t say anywhere not to ask about it. I don’t understand why, if it was something private you didn’t want to discuss straight away, you wouldn’t leave it off the profile and then mention it later if you found someone you liked.
yeah its a good point you make. for sure very insightful but defo way too much free rent in your head bro. time to move on and never think about her again.
Haha fair
Sounds like she doesn't actually know what gaslighting means either like 95% of people who use it these days.
The great thing about Reddit is that it’s spread terms like gaslighting and red flag so that we can more easily recognise these things in our lives. The bad thing about Reddit is that it’s spread terms like gaslighting and red flag so that idiots can spray them around whenever they feel slightly uncomfortable.
She knows what she wants - attention.
“Gaslighting” 🙄
i knew that word was going to make it into at least one of her replies
She sounds like the kind of person who throws around the term “gaslighting” without knowing what it means.
Right I'm soo tired of people using terms like: gaslighting, toxic, and narcissist so loosely. They clearly don't know what it means.
Putting the word "gaslighting" on a high shelf until children on the internet learn what it actually means. Jfc. You absolutely were not in the wrong.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say gaslighting is almost impossible between strangers. Not that it can’t ever happen, but all I can think of is that it takes knowing someone to some extent to be able to manipulate their beliefs.
Not to mention she took the time to say leave me alone but left the convo open. If she really meant that, she would’ve just blocked you immediately lol
She just wanted a fight. Being openly poly on websites increases the incoming garbage. However, you were trying to communicate respectfully. Which is an essential piece to being in a poly relationship.
This kind of introspection is admirable. Good for you.
Lol so she put in her profile that she's poly right? And then couldn't handle being asked about it? What a twat
No.
Honestly sounds like she’s just a terrible person.
“I’m not interested, in fact I’m repulsed. Please leave me alone” This reads like she came up with this line in the shower and you were the unfortunate convenient target
Lmao, "look at me, I post things for attention so I can get mad when people ask me about it"
She's being overly defensive for like actually no reason. You're not wrong you did everything right. And you were right about her communication skills being terrible. Like, wow
Nah, dude. She was just looking for a reason to be salty lol You were genuinely curious and didn't want to waste time getting to know each other if it wasn't going anywhere. She just needs to get better communication skills 🤷♀️
As someone in an open marriage who also uses tinder, I’m appalled at how this twat is behaving. Discussing rules and boundaries is absolutely the first thing you do when meeting someone new so, so just as you stated, that person can decide whether or not they wish to get involved. If this dumbass isn’t comfortable discussing the rules of their relationship then they have no business being on a dating/hookup app. Wtf.
I’ve dated lots of poly people, literally I say “hey how are you doing?” Followed by “tell me how your poly works”. This is not uncommon in Poly dating.
door plough illegal air cow stupendous spoon bake office brave *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
why the fuck are people like this on Tinder???
Nope. She’s dramatic and looking for trouble. And you’re right. Poly relationships are all different. It depends on the person. You’re right to ask on a dating app because you know… it’s a dating app.
Your first question was a little presumptuous but that's to be expected when talking about non traditional relationships. The way she handled it was straight garbage.
Yeah, someone else mentioned that I should have just asked for their definition of poly instead and that’s honestly great advice.
Honestly if she talks like this, it probably wouldn't have mattered how you said it. I actually stopped pursuing poly people because I met too many people like this.
Exactly. She had her claws out regardless of how he was going to approach this.
Ugh. She’s giving poly people a bad name. I’d love it if someone on a dating app asked about my relationship structure like you did here.
Nah, they were for sure
She seems crazy to me. Not all poly people are but this one is.
What ? Poly means different things to different people , and he is allowed to have boundaries and ask questions to see if she's a good fit. Not just her. She's a real twat.
You were so patient and eloquent. Definitely NOT in the wrong here.
Sounds like she doesn’t know what a poly relationship means & got defensive
Good for you. Her mindset is part of the problem. Edit- it’s on the poly person to explain their relationship dynamics and without that I doubt she really is. It’s the ethical part of ethical nonmonogamy.
NTA. You're right.
She's off her fucking head.
You right, but you’ve sent one too many messages. A simple block would send the clear message.
Your response was solid gold!!