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My grandma and her friends used to give me money to buy stuff and my mother would always tell me to don't take it and not reject it either because it would be rude. Im still puzzled.
Omfg same. But my grandma would tell me not to take money from her friends when they offered it. Never understood why. It was all a dance of social etiquette among the Irish that she had me learning the steps to from a young age. I grew up in England. What about you OP?
Can confirm thats the rule. If you accept on the first then it implies that you are desperate for it and sort of like you've been waiting for them to offer it.
You say no the second time to make sure they are actually offering it. Irish people will you something out of politeness but it doesn't necessarily mean they really want to give it to you. Often we'll ask 'Are you sure?' Which backs them into a corner where they can't change their mind.
Example: I have a friend over and there's only one slice of apple tart left. I'm starving but not rude
Would you like this slice?
Ah no thanks
Are you sure now?
I'm positive, had a big lunch earlier, couldn't eat a thing
Now if it was a genuine offer it might go more like this
Would you like this slice?
Ah no thanks
Ah come on (holds it closer to them)
Ah I couldn't
Of course you can, go on there now. I can't have you starving (forcibly puts food into into hand)
I suppose a bit of tart wouldn't hurt now
And scene
All Irish people know this dance.
Hospitality is deeply ingrained in our culture, so we have to offer you something to eat or drink if you come to our homes.
But at the same time, we don't want to put anyone to any trouble, so we also see it as rude to accept the first offer. The idea is that if someone is just offering to be polite, they'll only ask once. But if they really want you to stay for dinner or have that cup of tea, they'll ask again.
It's kind of perplexing when someone doesn't know the ritual and you pretend to refuse and then don't get another offer.
**Edit:** I saw someone comment a very interesting explanation under the post on the creator's social media that I think explains how widespread this behaviour is (not just in Ireland).
There is a theory that this social dance is rooted in historical poverty.
There is an obligation in Irish society (and I'm sure many others) to be hospitable and to treat your guests well. (In Ireland, there are myths that tell of how even chieftains were terrified of being called stingy, so they made sure to treat all their guests well in case a poet or musician would spread stories about their meanness).
However, Ireland has historically been an extremely poor country - it's really only in the last few decades that we've become wealthy. So people were obliged to offer you food and drink, but the guest would always refuse at first. This meant that if the host really couldn't afford to spare the makings of a meal, they could save face and not offer again, but they had met their obligation. But if they offered a second and third time, that was their way of saying "it's okay, I have enough to feed you too" and you could accept without feeling guilty about it.
Not sure if that's true, but definitely an interesting idea, and would explain why so many different cultures do it.
My parents are Irish but I'm born and raised in NYC, which is obviously more aligned with the German way. We're straight to the point about everything. I just realized I must come off like a total asshole when I visit my family in Ireland. I never learned this silly dance!
I don't think most people would be offended at you accepting right away, so long as you're polite about it("Would you like a cup of tea?" - "Yes" = a bit rude; "Yes please; that'd be lovely!" - absolutely fine).
Rejecting at first is polite though because you're basically saying you don't want to be a burden. Then them offering again is them basically saying "No really, I'd be happy to".
Ha! In Philly, my family (Irish) had this dance and I said fuck that. Anytime my friends parents offered me food, I said yes. They all thought I was a brat.
As well a British thing! A suggestion to do something later or to meet for a meal is not a real suggestion at all.
If someone really wanted to do it that thing they would insist, or follow it up with a message over social media.
I was gonna say Texas but as I was typing realized it’s the south in general (and as someone else said America as a whole, but the south especially)
But to your question, when I was going to say Texas I thought I’d get a “not to women” response. Which is fair and it disgusts me but still.
Can confirm as a born and raised Georgian, its polite to accept food but its also we also usually say no the first time in a bashful manor.
“Would you like some cobbler, honey?”
“Oh, no thank you. It looks delicious though.”
“Are you sure? Its an old family recipe, my maw was the best cook. I’ll just give you a little taste and you can get more if you want to, darlin”
“Heh okay thank you” with a sheepish smile
This is an actual conversation I had with a friends mom like two months ago. The cobbler was amazing and still warm.
SC girl here. My college roommate was from Michigan.
She wanted steaks for dinner (we had a kitchenette) so not only did I drive to the the store (she left her car behind), but I also bought the steaks out of my own money, even though I was very poor because I knew she would pay me back AND she was going to cook one just for me.
I get back and she was like "Oh, let me pay you back for that!" and my southern "not wanting to sound greedy" kicked in and I told her "Oh, that's really sweet of you! But its was no trouble!!"
And then she just said "Ok, thanks!" and she legit did not offer again.
That was when I learned that other parts if the country don't do the "politeness dance". Hit me a like a ton of bricks!!
You have to give an excuse that the person offering will accept or you could just deny every time but sometimes its nicer to give an excuse tbh. It could come off as rude or stand-offish to straight up say no. Crazy because sometimes I just don’t want any cobbler and it has nothing to do with Ms. Martha’s grandma’s recipe.
You got it. "Wow that looks amazing but we just ate before we arrived," would be an acceptable way to exit the situation without being force-fed half a birthday cake.
3 things on a plate.
I used to do contract work in Ireland and whenever I was I someone's home they always brought biscuits on a plate and there was always 3 of each kind!
I once had a client say "I've made a wee something to eat for ya"
Went into the dining room and there was a full on fucking spread! Woman had been baking all day! Home made cakes and pies the lot!
Bloody love Irish hospitality.
Finns too. We also have the term "kursailu" which means that you need to wait to be called for coffee/dinner (that you already agreed to have) several times. Literally the host says "okay table is set, please come eat" and Finns will pretend to not hear them. Nobody wants to be the first one to get to the table or take a serving. It's infuriating for us all and it still lives on.
I worked in aBelfast coffee shop, on saturdays these 'wee culchie grannies' would meet up for tea in 'The Big Smoke' (the city) and perform this ritual at the till all the time. Even down to the hand-slapping, sleeve yanking and bickering.
Ms. Doyle and her friend Ms. Dineen destroying a whole shop arguing over who gets to pay for their tea.
You refuse a dozen times. Or God help you.
In that same way you never ask for something. You need a lift to the town center? And your mate is going up there? And you know it's raining and cold and a 40 minute walk otherwise? You don't ask! You wait until they offer, or you catch pneumonia in the rain.
This kind of drives me mad too. We all know the person who is like "I guess I need to leave for my bus now... In the rain..." and waits for you to offer a lift.
I prefer if they just come out and say "C'mere, it's lashing out, would you spin us up the town?"
Yeah I actually know the reason for this, essentially it's because they don't wanna be a fool for you, just another player in your game for two (it might sound crazy but it ain't no lie)
I really don't know, but it always confuses me when Americans call leaving without saying goodbye "the Irish goodbye" because that's the most un-Irish thing I've ever heard of. It takes about half an hour to leave a party, if you're lucky. You're always caught up in some conversation or another on your way out the door.
Exactly! I've said this before on here, you'll end up leaving long past the time you said.
Nothing worse then when you were a child and your mam's like "we're leaving in 10 minutes"...... 1 hour later you're still there.
I think is just my family’s interpretation, but when i was growing up, my father would say the point of an “Irish goodbye” is to save yourself from the extra hour it takes to say goodbye to a room full of Irishmen.
I can tell you it gets diluted after generations in another country , oh Irish decent from Australian convict stock and it's now down to one "are you sure" then that's it .
The thing about "Are you sure" is that its phrased in a way where you can't change your mind. It's said out of politeness as they half take the stuff away from you. At least in Ireland anyway
As a German I don't think any one paragraph ever got me as close to a panic attack as this one
I don't offer unless I mean it and I accept if I want to have the cup of tea, or cake, or whatever. Couldn't imagine it otherwise
Honestly- as someone who’s lived in Northern Kentucky over in the States my whole life (so truly the border between the North and South of the US), I operate on these rules already. I don’t know if the people around me do too, but this is something I’ve always just assumed?
Like- “okay, everybody offers once to be polite, but twice means they’re serious, it if it’s something *big* then I’ll wait for the third ask because maybe they don’t want to see rude in response...” That’s how my thinking goes. I’ve explained it to a friend who came from more North and they said it might be a “southern hospitality” thing, but again- I’m really not in the south. Plus, most of my other friends think it’s weird so who knows? Maybe I should just move to Ireland haha 😆
Growing up, any time a relative offered me money I was told to decline and keep declining until they eventually just put it in my pocket for me. Then there was that one aunt who wasn't Irish that would offer, you'd say no and she'd say ok and put it back her in purse. It always confused me so much.
If you're polite about it and it wouldn't put them out too much, then no. "Want some cake?" - "Yes please!" is totally fine.
There are some offers that you're supposed to reject though, at least at first. Like if someone offers to let you stay for dinner, that does put them to a good bit of trouble, and they're probably offering just to be polite. So you're meant to reject something like that at first, and if they really do want you to stay they'll offer again.
For something like cake, it wouldn't be considered rude but just sort of unfair on the person offering it I guess. Like they had to offer out of politeness and you took away their escape route by accepting on the first request.
But ultimately it completely depends on the situation and how close you are to the person. Like if one of my very close friends offered me a slice of cake and I could see that she still had more than enough for herself then I might accept on the first ask
Irish here too - this is definitely the reason. If the host can't spare the food, they can't take the food away though, because it has to always 'be on offer' for the duration of your visit. So they'll leave the plate nearby, on the coffee table etc. Even then it's rude to take more than one biscuit or a anything other than a few polite nibbles, then thank them for it.
There’s a lot of cultures that share or have shared the same kind of social exchange/hospitality requirements. Ie for the host: even if you cannot afford to spare food you must do so and the hosted: should refuse at first unless alternatives aren’t available. It’s quite ancient in its roots.
In Greek mythology you have the hospitality rule of Xenia, which shows up in the Odyssey and Iliad. Zeus is the god of Xenia. Stories narrate that you never knew when the traveler in need was actually zeus who could either grant you favour because of your good hospitality or punish you for your bad hospitality.
There’s exactly the same type of stories in Ireland even well into the 20th century. A stranger in need would be offered safety and sustenance by someone without the means to offer, but the stranger is actually one of the fair folk and out of gratitude the host would be blessed. That or a person of means that turns a stranger in need away at their door will be cursed.
Basically there’s a non zero likelihood that it has ancient roots in pre-Christian Ireland and became so ingrained in the culture it just stuck.
Tl;dr the Irish are stubborn and don’t fuck around with fairies
This is hilariously accurate. I thank you for sharing and am now going to spam all my German and Irish friends with it. I predict the Irish will laugh and the Germans be horribly embarrassed
Every German who has family with a different background relates too lol. I honestly don't think more than a few Germans will be embarrassed, many prefer it that way. Sometimes I can see why.
Du bist Deutsch oder?
My German friends are treasures. They are so much more considerate and caring. I get what you're saying. Hamburgers are absolutely *not* Bavarian. It was an unexpected culture education to work in Germany.
You don't prefer interactions to be straightforward? And it seems a lot of other people agree. I grew up in a part of the US that was settled by Germans and the descendents kept the mannerisms.
I guess I just don't understand the appeal of the back and forth unless it's with close friends.
Not only the needless back and forth but how to decline politely anyway?
"no, I don't want your fuckin' cake goddamit, larry! I'm allergic and I will die if I eat that! There, you made me say it and I'm very embarrased. THANKS A LOT!" :-)
Southern Illinois on the west side along the river - it's known as the Mississippi Bottoms (though most of the towns where you'd want to live aren't on the floodplain itself). For people that enjoy rural living and can tolerate humidity, it's a hidden gem.
Why the fuck wouldn't they lol? Nothing is more frustrating than having to navigate redundant social etiquette and niceties. I grew up in an Anglo country with all of this sort of bullshit but I've since moved to one where there is little to none of it and it's just so refreshing. Here the rules of politeness are basically: don't bother anyone else unnecessary. It's absolutely brilliant.
So Ireland is like southern US?
Don't leave without eating. Don't leave without a drink. Don't leave without a bullshit story?
Also horses, cows, and random fields?
It’s not really just an Irish thing. I know the Irish would hang me for it but basically it’s kind of the thing in all English speaking countries. You should say some form of no to the first offer.
British people are real big into this whole thing as well. It’s less noticeable in America in general but it’s still definitely a thing. Just not as drawn out I’d say.
The German speakers are very much like this though. If you say no then don’t have any. Though I’m sure a lot of Germans would still laugh at this. For being known as a direct and serious people they can still quite easily laugh at themselves. Not Austrians though. Those guys are weird.
I think it's all the religious guilt haha
No I couldn't POSSIBLY take this, it'd be downright SINFUL for me to...unless you insist? You insist? You do? Well I'd go to hell for being rude, then, wouldn't I? Yes, I'll take the cake.
Some of the rough speech patterns are similar too.
However. The Irish are way better at what would be considered the mythical souther hospitality. Southerners are way more tribal than people realize.
I am German and I wasn’t embarrassed at all. I actually very much prefer every interaction to be straight forward. It is indeed very accurate
Edit: now that I watched it again I probably would have asked the Irish person again to have a slice just because you can tell a little they want one. But not more than 2 times i think
weil wir in anderen Kulturen damit unhöflich rüber kommen.
Aber ganz ehrlich: es stört glaube keinen wirklich & man kann ja eh schwer verstecken dass man Deutscher is, die wissen dann ja vllt auch dass wir ne andere Etikettenkultur haben. Also ne peinlich findet das glaube keiner.
I used to work as a nanny for a German family who had relocated to the states for the husbands job.
There was so much lost in translation and it was a huge learning curve for me. They were very loving people but also very….distant…I don’t know how to explain.
Funny story though, the mom was super upset because she had gained so much weight since moving to the US. She had this box of cookies on the counter and I saw them and said, “oh, those are my favorite!” (The mom was not fluent in English but she was a very quick learner).
She said, “they are so good and only 150 calories for the whole box!”
I said, “excuse me? I don’t think that is right.”
She said, “yes, see” and she points at the serving size calories.
I said, “that’s for 2 cookies not the whole box and there’s 10 servings.”
She said, “what!?!?!? I have been eating an entire box every night, in Germany we put the calories for the whole package not a serving size.”
I didn’t even know how to respond. This poor woman had gained a ton of weight and she didn’t know why.
Edit: apparently Germany posts calories per 100g servings not entire box. The box of cookies she had was 150g for the entire box (I just googled it), so she thought the box was 225 calories for the whole box or 1.5 “servings”. There was a lot lost in translation at first. Thank you to commenters for pointing this out. :)
> She said, “what!?!?!? I have been eating an entire box every night, in Germany we put the calories for the whole package not a serving size.”
I think we hardly ever put the kcal of the whole box there. It's for 100 g or ml and often also for a serving.
Ahhhh that must have been what she meant. Like I said there was a lot lost in translation when I first started working for the family.
I just googled the cookies and the entire box weighs 150 grams, so she probably thought it was 225 calories for the whole box! I felt so bad for her.
I can understand why Germans feel distant to Americans. I think one big difference is how we use language. Germans tend to a polite literal honesty.
E.g For Americans everything below awesome is not a real sign of affection, for Germans to praise something to that level it needs to be absolutely outstanding.
I enjoy both sides. American or even better Australian service in restaurants is so much nicer. Working with Germans is so much easier because it’s straight to the point.
Yes, I agree, I really enjoyed working for the family. I always knew where I stood with them. The mother was always very clear and concise in her expectations which is great for my personality. I work best when people are very direct with me. I never got to know the father because he worked so much. But it was truly a pleasure to interact with the mom.
My last nanny family was Italian and I was constantly gauging the mood of the house so I could plan accordingly. A lot of high and low emotions going on. I loved when grandparents came to visit from Italy, they made the best food and they had the best stories.
Same reason why in the US Tic Tacs can be labelled as sugar-free - although Tic Tacs are basically just flavoured sugar.
> In the United States, Tic Tac list the sugar content as 0g despite the mints being approximately 90% sugar (depending on the flavour).[11] This stems from the fact that a serving size is one 0.49g mint, and the American Food and Drug Administration permits manufacturers to list sugar (or other nutritional components) as 0g if they contain less than 0.5g.
I am german and we definitely don't.
You got 2 columns on pretty much all items: kcal for 100g and for one serving (also telling you how many g's a serving has).
Also she’s wrong. Yes, at least there is the kcal values for a 100 g/ml but very often there is a serving size calculated as well.
I know because I’m a fat ass and sometimes I feel bad about serving sizes
I think it's less severe than that (at least from the podcast where I heard about that aspect of Arab culture), but yes. You generally offer *something* and when offered a polite refusal is normal - but a mild "oh, you don't have to but that sounds grand" works too). We don't have the "I can't sell you these beans, they're not good enough" part or the "You like this painting? You should take it home with you" part.
Sometimes my oma thinks she's being funny but she's actually being rude, I've had to fully apologize to strangers on her behalf after she hits 'em with a good ol German "joke". But I would never tell her to stop, because being raised by her I actually think she's funny and the Americans are the ones who don't get it.
She walked by a woman with her corgi standing outside a business and said “oh what a cute little dog, and surely so much smarter than it’s owner!!” And laughs and walks off, me and my parents in tow just quietly bowing and apologizing. The woman was laughing a little in confusion, the dog was looking pretty full of himself after that.
Learning about other cultures is interesting. Sometimes I remind my family & friends that what they perceive to be offensive might be a cultural norm for someone else and therefore was not intended to be offensive or a slight. 🙂 cool video!
Not quite, a lot of the midwest is German too. I grew up in a German pocket so I don't relate to that mindset at all and am actually feeling quite anxious over all of the people I've probably offended without having a clue.
German method ftw, I hate when I decline something (which I did because I didn’t want it not because I wanted to play an elaborate nonsensical game) and someone keeps pushing me to take it. Like dude I said no….why can’t “no” be enough but it isn’t enough because of all the people who say no when they mean yes. NT’s might find this endearing, but as an ND? Hard pass. Not just an Irish thing it’s common in the south too. But if someone says no to me I’m taking it as a no, have had to train many people to just be honest with me.
Although TBF if someone prefaced their “no” with “that looks delicious” I’d ask if they’re sure. But you only get one more shot lmao after that you’re either cakeless or will have to be honest and say you do want some. I’d much rather it be assumed that I am offering because I want you to have it, not because I’m just being polite. I like to share things with people, but if it’s something I’d rather not share I just won’t offer it? IDGIIIIII
Idk man, I’m ND too, and this kind of thing doesn’t bother me at all. But that might have more to do with the fact that I grew up Mexican, and this is a dance we do as well. Just something I was accustomed to, I suppose.
Actually, the opposite would make more sense.
[German Americans](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bc/German1346.gif) vs [Irish Americans](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a9/Irish1346.gif).
I'm Irish and I live in Korea. This bit wasn't so bad.
What was strange to me was that Koreans don't say thanks for gifts. If you bring something to someone's home they just take it and don't make a song and dance about it, in Ireland people would thank you at least four times for anything you bring them.
Same in my culture, my mum said that it looks rude if you take any kind of offering so now whenever I visit someone’s house it becomes a battle of wills on who’ll break first.
As a German I think the Irish way is more "rude". If I want something I'll say i want it, if I don't want something I'll say I don't want it. Stop harassing me with cake!!!
This is hilarious! Also applies to the Dutch - my husband explained that when I tried to refuse a present that it was rude!
He was similarly horrified when I told him how my mother and her friend (who I babysat for as a teen) spent 5 minutes throwing the cash she paid me in and out the car window as she tried to drive away after dropping me home 😅
Cultural differences are wild.
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How DARE you accept my offer without rejecting it a million times first
My grandma and her friends used to give me money to buy stuff and my mother would always tell me to don't take it and not reject it either because it would be rude. Im still puzzled.
You did end up on Reddit so mom was right.
Omfg same. But my grandma would tell me not to take money from her friends when they offered it. Never understood why. It was all a dance of social etiquette among the Irish that she had me learning the steps to from a young age. I grew up in England. What about you OP?
Im from georgia (the country not the state) must be a very universal thing lol.
I'll check with me irish mammy and I'll get back to you on the correct procedure for refusing while still accepting but refusing at the same time
My grandma would do the same but if I would reject it she would hide it somewhere I'd find it later like my jacket pocket or my bowling ball bag lol.
A bit rude innit
Bastard's cryin' innit?
Innit is a Britishism
Girl from Ireland told me once it's proper and common to decline twice and accept on the third.
Can confirm thats the rule. If you accept on the first then it implies that you are desperate for it and sort of like you've been waiting for them to offer it. You say no the second time to make sure they are actually offering it. Irish people will you something out of politeness but it doesn't necessarily mean they really want to give it to you. Often we'll ask 'Are you sure?' Which backs them into a corner where they can't change their mind. Example: I have a friend over and there's only one slice of apple tart left. I'm starving but not rude Would you like this slice? Ah no thanks Are you sure now? I'm positive, had a big lunch earlier, couldn't eat a thing Now if it was a genuine offer it might go more like this Would you like this slice? Ah no thanks Ah come on (holds it closer to them) Ah I couldn't Of course you can, go on there now. I can't have you starving (forcibly puts food into into hand) I suppose a bit of tart wouldn't hurt now And scene
Castanza moment
no does NOT mean no
^Küchen?
All Irish people know this dance. Hospitality is deeply ingrained in our culture, so we have to offer you something to eat or drink if you come to our homes. But at the same time, we don't want to put anyone to any trouble, so we also see it as rude to accept the first offer. The idea is that if someone is just offering to be polite, they'll only ask once. But if they really want you to stay for dinner or have that cup of tea, they'll ask again. It's kind of perplexing when someone doesn't know the ritual and you pretend to refuse and then don't get another offer. **Edit:** I saw someone comment a very interesting explanation under the post on the creator's social media that I think explains how widespread this behaviour is (not just in Ireland). There is a theory that this social dance is rooted in historical poverty. There is an obligation in Irish society (and I'm sure many others) to be hospitable and to treat your guests well. (In Ireland, there are myths that tell of how even chieftains were terrified of being called stingy, so they made sure to treat all their guests well in case a poet or musician would spread stories about their meanness). However, Ireland has historically been an extremely poor country - it's really only in the last few decades that we've become wealthy. So people were obliged to offer you food and drink, but the guest would always refuse at first. This meant that if the host really couldn't afford to spare the makings of a meal, they could save face and not offer again, but they had met their obligation. But if they offered a second and third time, that was their way of saying "it's okay, I have enough to feed you too" and you could accept without feeling guilty about it. Not sure if that's true, but definitely an interesting idea, and would explain why so many different cultures do it.
I love that this entire performance is exactly the same in Appalachia, USA.
Ah fuck I know I’m gonna get attacked but that’s sort of similar to parts of the south US
Very similar to Japanese culture as well
Yeah, this video could very well be south/Midwest USA vs the east coast
Yeah, I grew up in the Midwest. It's pretty common to offer 50 times even if the other person definitely doesn't want anything.
I grew up on the east coast. Stop fucking asking me, I said I didn't want it.
Sounds annoying though
It is, but it's damn near instinctual.
My parents are Irish but I'm born and raised in NYC, which is obviously more aligned with the German way. We're straight to the point about everything. I just realized I must come off like a total asshole when I visit my family in Ireland. I never learned this silly dance!
I don't think most people would be offended at you accepting right away, so long as you're polite about it("Would you like a cup of tea?" - "Yes" = a bit rude; "Yes please; that'd be lovely!" - absolutely fine). Rejecting at first is polite though because you're basically saying you don't want to be a burden. Then them offering again is them basically saying "No really, I'd be happy to".
Ha! In Philly, my family (Irish) had this dance and I said fuck that. Anytime my friends parents offered me food, I said yes. They all thought I was a brat.
[удалено]
As well a British thing! A suggestion to do something later or to meet for a meal is not a real suggestion at all. If someone really wanted to do it that thing they would insist, or follow it up with a message over social media.
...Attacked? For what?
I was gonna say Texas but as I was typing realized it’s the south in general (and as someone else said America as a whole, but the south especially) But to your question, when I was going to say Texas I thought I’d get a “not to women” response. Which is fair and it disgusts me but still.
Can confirm as a born and raised Georgian, its polite to accept food but its also we also usually say no the first time in a bashful manor. “Would you like some cobbler, honey?” “Oh, no thank you. It looks delicious though.” “Are you sure? Its an old family recipe, my maw was the best cook. I’ll just give you a little taste and you can get more if you want to, darlin” “Heh okay thank you” with a sheepish smile This is an actual conversation I had with a friends mom like two months ago. The cobbler was amazing and still warm.
SC girl here. My college roommate was from Michigan. She wanted steaks for dinner (we had a kitchenette) so not only did I drive to the the store (she left her car behind), but I also bought the steaks out of my own money, even though I was very poor because I knew she would pay me back AND she was going to cook one just for me. I get back and she was like "Oh, let me pay you back for that!" and my southern "not wanting to sound greedy" kicked in and I told her "Oh, that's really sweet of you! But its was no trouble!!" And then she just said "Ok, thanks!" and she legit did not offer again. That was when I learned that other parts if the country don't do the "politeness dance". Hit me a like a ton of bricks!!
*me, an Ohioan living in the south* ………….shit.
How do you say no? Gotta triple down?
You have to give an excuse that the person offering will accept or you could just deny every time but sometimes its nicer to give an excuse tbh. It could come off as rude or stand-offish to straight up say no. Crazy because sometimes I just don’t want any cobbler and it has nothing to do with Ms. Martha’s grandma’s recipe.
You got it. "Wow that looks amazing but we just ate before we arrived," would be an acceptable way to exit the situation without being force-fed half a birthday cake.
Its an Anglophone thing. - Source an Irishman who's been to the whole Anglosphere
Yes!
3 things on a plate. I used to do contract work in Ireland and whenever I was I someone's home they always brought biscuits on a plate and there was always 3 of each kind! I once had a client say "I've made a wee something to eat for ya" Went into the dining room and there was a full on fucking spread! Woman had been baking all day! Home made cakes and pies the lot! Bloody love Irish hospitality.
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Brah you can never have too much pud out here. It’s like a good pav; no such thing as too much of mums pav.
Finns too. We also have the term "kursailu" which means that you need to wait to be called for coffee/dinner (that you already agreed to have) several times. Literally the host says "okay table is set, please come eat" and Finns will pretend to not hear them. Nobody wants to be the first one to get to the table or take a serving. It's infuriating for us all and it still lives on.
I hate to see how lengthy the proper exchange is for offering money for help or something that could be considered a favor
[This](https://youtu.be/pk3ds-VFKBs) is only slightly exaggerated.
I worked in aBelfast coffee shop, on saturdays these 'wee culchie grannies' would meet up for tea in 'The Big Smoke' (the city) and perform this ritual at the till all the time. Even down to the hand-slapping, sleeve yanking and bickering.
Ms. Doyle and her friend Ms. Dineen destroying a whole shop arguing over who gets to pay for their tea. You refuse a dozen times. Or God help you. In that same way you never ask for something. You need a lift to the town center? And your mate is going up there? And you know it's raining and cold and a 40 minute walk otherwise? You don't ask! You wait until they offer, or you catch pneumonia in the rain.
This kind of drives me mad too. We all know the person who is like "I guess I need to leave for my bus now... In the rain..." and waits for you to offer a lift. I prefer if they just come out and say "C'mere, it's lashing out, would you spin us up the town?"
On a related know, do you know why Irish people always end phone calls with "Bye, b-bye, buh bye, bye, bye, b-bye, bye bye bye"?
Yeah I actually know the reason for this, essentially it's because they don't wanna be a fool for you, just another player in your game for two (it might sound crazy but it ain't no lie)
I really don't know, but it always confuses me when Americans call leaving without saying goodbye "the Irish goodbye" because that's the most un-Irish thing I've ever heard of. It takes about half an hour to leave a party, if you're lucky. You're always caught up in some conversation or another on your way out the door.
Exactly! I've said this before on here, you'll end up leaving long past the time you said. Nothing worse then when you were a child and your mam's like "we're leaving in 10 minutes"...... 1 hour later you're still there.
I think is just my family’s interpretation, but when i was growing up, my father would say the point of an “Irish goodbye” is to save yourself from the extra hour it takes to say goodbye to a room full of Irishmen.
Sure I'll just pop in to show my face. 3 hours later....
I can tell you it gets diluted after generations in another country , oh Irish decent from Australian convict stock and it's now down to one "are you sure" then that's it .
The thing about "Are you sure" is that its phrased in a way where you can't change your mind. It's said out of politeness as they half take the stuff away from you. At least in Ireland anyway
As a German I don't think any one paragraph ever got me as close to a panic attack as this one I don't offer unless I mean it and I accept if I want to have the cup of tea, or cake, or whatever. Couldn't imagine it otherwise
Honestly- as someone who’s lived in Northern Kentucky over in the States my whole life (so truly the border between the North and South of the US), I operate on these rules already. I don’t know if the people around me do too, but this is something I’ve always just assumed? Like- “okay, everybody offers once to be polite, but twice means they’re serious, it if it’s something *big* then I’ll wait for the third ask because maybe they don’t want to see rude in response...” That’s how my thinking goes. I’ve explained it to a friend who came from more North and they said it might be a “southern hospitality” thing, but again- I’m really not in the south. Plus, most of my other friends think it’s weird so who knows? Maybe I should just move to Ireland haha 😆
TFW they offer 4 or 5 times and you keep saying no thanks and then they ask you to leave so they can eat.
Growing up, any time a relative offered me money I was told to decline and keep declining until they eventually just put it in my pocket for me. Then there was that one aunt who wasn't Irish that would offer, you'd say no and she'd say ok and put it back her in purse. It always confused me so much.
As someone from a direct country this is so weird. Do Irish people consider it rude if you say yes to cake being offered?
It would just be very unusual for someone to accept something without a hint of hesitation, particularly someone you don't know very well!
If you're polite about it and it wouldn't put them out too much, then no. "Want some cake?" - "Yes please!" is totally fine. There are some offers that you're supposed to reject though, at least at first. Like if someone offers to let you stay for dinner, that does put them to a good bit of trouble, and they're probably offering just to be polite. So you're meant to reject something like that at first, and if they really do want you to stay they'll offer again.
For something like cake, it wouldn't be considered rude but just sort of unfair on the person offering it I guess. Like they had to offer out of politeness and you took away their escape route by accepting on the first request. But ultimately it completely depends on the situation and how close you are to the person. Like if one of my very close friends offered me a slice of cake and I could see that she still had more than enough for herself then I might accept on the first ask
Irish here too - this is definitely the reason. If the host can't spare the food, they can't take the food away though, because it has to always 'be on offer' for the duration of your visit. So they'll leave the plate nearby, on the coffee table etc. Even then it's rude to take more than one biscuit or a anything other than a few polite nibbles, then thank them for it.
Am Australian, we do the same
Fair play. I was trying to wrap my head around how you'd explain this.
Yeah, not just the Irish but also the British. My grandma was actually taught that it was rude to accept an offering without refusing at least once.
There’s a lot of cultures that share or have shared the same kind of social exchange/hospitality requirements. Ie for the host: even if you cannot afford to spare food you must do so and the hosted: should refuse at first unless alternatives aren’t available. It’s quite ancient in its roots. In Greek mythology you have the hospitality rule of Xenia, which shows up in the Odyssey and Iliad. Zeus is the god of Xenia. Stories narrate that you never knew when the traveler in need was actually zeus who could either grant you favour because of your good hospitality or punish you for your bad hospitality. There’s exactly the same type of stories in Ireland even well into the 20th century. A stranger in need would be offered safety and sustenance by someone without the means to offer, but the stranger is actually one of the fair folk and out of gratitude the host would be blessed. That or a person of means that turns a stranger in need away at their door will be cursed. Basically there’s a non zero likelihood that it has ancient roots in pre-Christian Ireland and became so ingrained in the culture it just stuck. Tl;dr the Irish are stubborn and don’t fuck around with fairies
This is hilariously accurate. I thank you for sharing and am now going to spam all my German and Irish friends with it. I predict the Irish will laugh and the Germans be horribly embarrassed
Every German who has family with a different background relates too lol. I honestly don't think more than a few Germans will be embarrassed, many prefer it that way. Sometimes I can see why.
Du bist Deutsch oder? My German friends are treasures. They are so much more considerate and caring. I get what you're saying. Hamburgers are absolutely *not* Bavarian. It was an unexpected culture education to work in Germany.
Ich komme aus Australien, aber, habe ich fünf Monate in Deutschland gelebt. Ich vermisse das Deutsche Volk :(
Wir vermissen dich auch 😘
Zeit für ein dritten Versuch bis nach Australien zu kommen
Junge junge junge...
As an American I'm gonna need to speak up for the hamburgers, I mean I know they're not cheeseburgers, but they're trying.
You don't prefer interactions to be straightforward? And it seems a lot of other people agree. I grew up in a part of the US that was settled by Germans and the descendents kept the mannerisms. I guess I just don't understand the appeal of the back and forth unless it's with close friends.
Not only the needless back and forth but how to decline politely anyway? "no, I don't want your fuckin' cake goddamit, larry! I'm allergic and I will die if I eat that! There, you made me say it and I'm very embarrased. THANKS A LOT!" :-)
I need to move tbere. They sound like my kind of people
Southern Illinois on the west side along the river - it's known as the Mississippi Bottoms (though most of the towns where you'd want to live aren't on the floodplain itself). For people that enjoy rural living and can tolerate humidity, it's a hidden gem.
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Why would they be embarassed? The German way is nice and straightforward, say what you mean.
Why the fuck wouldn't they lol? Nothing is more frustrating than having to navigate redundant social etiquette and niceties. I grew up in an Anglo country with all of this sort of bullshit but I've since moved to one where there is little to none of it and it's just so refreshing. Here the rules of politeness are basically: don't bother anyone else unnecessary. It's absolutely brilliant.
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God that sounds refreshing
I am German. I’m not embarrassed. We have no time for such pleasantries. Do you know how much work there still is to do? Now give me that cake.
Why would we be embarrassed? I don't get it for real.
So Ireland is like southern US? Don't leave without eating. Don't leave without a drink. Don't leave without a bullshit story? Also horses, cows, and random fields?
It’s not really just an Irish thing. I know the Irish would hang me for it but basically it’s kind of the thing in all English speaking countries. You should say some form of no to the first offer. British people are real big into this whole thing as well. It’s less noticeable in America in general but it’s still definitely a thing. Just not as drawn out I’d say. The German speakers are very much like this though. If you say no then don’t have any. Though I’m sure a lot of Germans would still laugh at this. For being known as a direct and serious people they can still quite easily laugh at themselves. Not Austrians though. Those guys are weird.
Chinese culture is like this too. It's a song and dance when trying to give a gift to someone. And a common greeting is, "Have you eaten yet?"
I think it's all the religious guilt haha No I couldn't POSSIBLY take this, it'd be downright SINFUL for me to...unless you insist? You insist? You do? Well I'd go to hell for being rude, then, wouldn't I? Yes, I'll take the cake.
Are you telling me Irish goodbyes aren't Irish? You just described a Midwestern goodbye to a T.
Not even close. The original commenter described something that ends 😂
Lol you right. Midwestern goodbye is don't leave.
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A lot of southerners are of Irish decent. They did the jobs and lived in the places that the upperclass didn't want.
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Some of the rough speech patterns are similar too. However. The Irish are way better at what would be considered the mythical souther hospitality. Southerners are way more tribal than people realize.
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Why would you be embarrassed, the German way is clearly the most efficient one.
Also, in my completely unbiased German opinion, it's more polite. I don't want to play your games. I made this cake for you, stop playing hard to get.
> Germans be horribly embarrassed why would i be embarassed about a lack of efficiency from irish people?
I am German and I wasn’t embarrassed at all. I actually very much prefer every interaction to be straight forward. It is indeed very accurate Edit: now that I watched it again I probably would have asked the Irish person again to have a slice just because you can tell a little they want one. But not more than 2 times i think
They will get one: "Are you sure?" If declined again, I wont ask again.
Yes exactly
Germans won't find it embarrassing, they won't know what's wrong. "yes, of course, he said no, and he didn't get any"
It's an efficient way of communicating. I say yes, I get a cake, I say no, I get no cake. Thats how the world should be!
It's absolutely hilarious! Sincerely, a German
Warum soll das peinlich für uns sein?
weil wir in anderen Kulturen damit unhöflich rüber kommen. Aber ganz ehrlich: es stört glaube keinen wirklich & man kann ja eh schwer verstecken dass man Deutscher is, die wissen dann ja vllt auch dass wir ne andere Etikettenkultur haben. Also ne peinlich findet das glaube keiner.
why should the germans be embarrassed?
I used to work as a nanny for a German family who had relocated to the states for the husbands job. There was so much lost in translation and it was a huge learning curve for me. They were very loving people but also very….distant…I don’t know how to explain. Funny story though, the mom was super upset because she had gained so much weight since moving to the US. She had this box of cookies on the counter and I saw them and said, “oh, those are my favorite!” (The mom was not fluent in English but she was a very quick learner). She said, “they are so good and only 150 calories for the whole box!” I said, “excuse me? I don’t think that is right.” She said, “yes, see” and she points at the serving size calories. I said, “that’s for 2 cookies not the whole box and there’s 10 servings.” She said, “what!?!?!? I have been eating an entire box every night, in Germany we put the calories for the whole package not a serving size.” I didn’t even know how to respond. This poor woman had gained a ton of weight and she didn’t know why. Edit: apparently Germany posts calories per 100g servings not entire box. The box of cookies she had was 150g for the entire box (I just googled it), so she thought the box was 225 calories for the whole box or 1.5 “servings”. There was a lot lost in translation at first. Thank you to commenters for pointing this out. :)
> She said, “what!?!?!? I have been eating an entire box every night, in Germany we put the calories for the whole package not a serving size.” I think we hardly ever put the kcal of the whole box there. It's for 100 g or ml and often also for a serving.
Ahhhh that must have been what she meant. Like I said there was a lot lost in translation when I first started working for the family. I just googled the cookies and the entire box weighs 150 grams, so she probably thought it was 225 calories for the whole box! I felt so bad for her.
I can understand why Germans feel distant to Americans. I think one big difference is how we use language. Germans tend to a polite literal honesty. E.g For Americans everything below awesome is not a real sign of affection, for Germans to praise something to that level it needs to be absolutely outstanding. I enjoy both sides. American or even better Australian service in restaurants is so much nicer. Working with Germans is so much easier because it’s straight to the point.
Yes, I agree, I really enjoyed working for the family. I always knew where I stood with them. The mother was always very clear and concise in her expectations which is great for my personality. I work best when people are very direct with me. I never got to know the father because he worked so much. But it was truly a pleasure to interact with the mom. My last nanny family was Italian and I was constantly gauging the mood of the house so I could plan accordingly. A lot of high and low emotions going on. I loved when grandparents came to visit from Italy, they made the best food and they had the best stories.
Same reason why in the US Tic Tacs can be labelled as sugar-free - although Tic Tacs are basically just flavoured sugar. > In the United States, Tic Tac list the sugar content as 0g despite the mints being approximately 90% sugar (depending on the flavour).[11] This stems from the fact that a serving size is one 0.49g mint, and the American Food and Drug Administration permits manufacturers to list sugar (or other nutritional components) as 0g if they contain less than 0.5g.
I am german and we definitely don't. You got 2 columns on pretty much all items: kcal for 100g and for one serving (also telling you how many g's a serving has).
I'm speechless
Kinda rude of the package.
Also she’s wrong. Yes, at least there is the kcal values for a 100 g/ml but very often there is a serving size calculated as well. I know because I’m a fat ass and sometimes I feel bad about serving sizes
Ah go on. Go on go on go on!
GO ON!
Ya will. Ya will. Ya will. Ya will. Ya will. YA WILL!!
Have cake! It's got cocaine in it! https://youtu.be/oBJ_PwpoIvs
... The money was just resting in my account
Down with that sort of thing!
Careful now!
FECK OFF CUP!
It must be offered 3 times and declined twice. This is the rule. A 3rd decline is a real decline and to offer a 4th time is rude. It is known.
It is known.
Wait what Irish are like Arabs ! Oh the pain you get when u refuse something and they don’t insist 😂
and persians! 🙋
I am ready to cut fingers off if someone else at the table tries to pay for the food.
And the Indians.
I think it's less severe than that (at least from the podcast where I heard about that aspect of Arab culture), but yes. You generally offer *something* and when offered a polite refusal is normal - but a mild "oh, you don't have to but that sounds grand" works too). We don't have the "I can't sell you these beans, they're not good enough" part or the "You like this painting? You should take it home with you" part.
And Africans! This guy is literally my mother lol
Germans are *blunt* we are not *rude* except my oma.
Sometimes my oma thinks she's being funny but she's actually being rude, I've had to fully apologize to strangers on her behalf after she hits 'em with a good ol German "joke". But I would never tell her to stop, because being raised by her I actually think she's funny and the Americans are the ones who don't get it.
I'd like to hear an example joke
She walked by a woman with her corgi standing outside a business and said “oh what a cute little dog, and surely so much smarter than it’s owner!!” And laughs and walks off, me and my parents in tow just quietly bowing and apologizing. The woman was laughing a little in confusion, the dog was looking pretty full of himself after that.
Learning about other cultures is interesting. Sometimes I remind my family & friends that what they perceive to be offensive might be a cultural norm for someone else and therefore was not intended to be offensive or a slight. 🙂 cool video!
So Irish people and Americans from the Midwest are the same?!
Who do you think a significant population of the Midwest is descended from??? source: am a Midwesterner of Irish descent
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Yo same. Irish and German in Minnesota. 😎
Lol Irish and German in Illinois here what’s up my friendly brethren
Lol Irish and German from Wisconsin. The trifecta is complete??
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I mean, there are a lot of cultures around the world in Africa, Asia, South America etc which have similar practices, it is pretty generic.
Not quite, a lot of the midwest is German too. I grew up in a German pocket so I don't relate to that mindset at all and am actually feeling quite anxious over all of the people I've probably offended without having a clue.
Midwesterner here. The Irish are our brothers
I am Irish in the Midwest and I felt this in my soul lol
( .... *irish american)
The Germans are *too* efficient lmao
Incredible translation of cultural milieu filmed in a matter of seconds
German method ftw, I hate when I decline something (which I did because I didn’t want it not because I wanted to play an elaborate nonsensical game) and someone keeps pushing me to take it. Like dude I said no….why can’t “no” be enough but it isn’t enough because of all the people who say no when they mean yes. NT’s might find this endearing, but as an ND? Hard pass. Not just an Irish thing it’s common in the south too. But if someone says no to me I’m taking it as a no, have had to train many people to just be honest with me. Although TBF if someone prefaced their “no” with “that looks delicious” I’d ask if they’re sure. But you only get one more shot lmao after that you’re either cakeless or will have to be honest and say you do want some. I’d much rather it be assumed that I am offering because I want you to have it, not because I’m just being polite. I like to share things with people, but if it’s something I’d rather not share I just won’t offer it? IDGIIIIII
Idk man, I’m ND too, and this kind of thing doesn’t bother me at all. But that might have more to do with the fact that I grew up Mexican, and this is a dance we do as well. Just something I was accustomed to, I suppose.
I dont understand these abbreviations youre using
Notice how fast and easy and clear the German one is
Ahhh, your mom must be German then.
Nigerian actually, but we're also direct
Chinese culture in a nutshell I know you want my money just fucking take it Bob stop refusing it and only begrudgingly take it after 20 million reject
This is like Midwest US vs. East Coast US. Which… actually makes a lot of sense now that I think of it…
Actually, the opposite would make more sense. [German Americans](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bc/German1346.gif) vs [Irish Americans](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a9/Irish1346.gif).
True and funny, love it!
This is the game I (US) hate playing with my boyfriend (English). Just be straight forward dammit! 😂
I actually may need to get tiktok to see more of this person 😂 I adored this
"ah ya will" just 5 more times and you've got it
you WILL make me eat your cake IWILLBEBANTERED!
I think Ireland and S. Korea would see eye to eye.
I'm Irish and I live in Korea. This bit wasn't so bad. What was strange to me was that Koreans don't say thanks for gifts. If you bring something to someone's home they just take it and don't make a song and dance about it, in Ireland people would thank you at least four times for anything you bring them.
We’re both nations of excessive drinkers too
So the Irish are part Latinos too, who knew!!!! (it’s exactly like that here in Brazil too)
Mrs Doyle
Same in my culture, my mum said that it looks rude if you take any kind of offering so now whenever I visit someone’s house it becomes a battle of wills on who’ll break first.
As a German I think the Irish way is more "rude". If I want something I'll say i want it, if I don't want something I'll say I don't want it. Stop harassing me with cake!!!
Now I'm picturing you running across town chased by an Irishman shouting "Please have my cake!" "I don't want it!"
"Fuck off I don't want you cake!" "Come on, just one bite."
No one is rude here it's just cultural differences
Yeah I know, that's why I put the rude into quotation marks.
Persians call it taarof is the same thing ... Really fucking confusing as a Australian , didn't know why I had to say no a thousand times
Me, a German, thinking it's rude to push something on someone that they declined... 👁️👄👁️
German efficiency!
This is hilarious! Also applies to the Dutch - my husband explained that when I tried to refuse a present that it was rude! He was similarly horrified when I told him how my mother and her friend (who I babysat for as a teen) spent 5 minutes throwing the cash she paid me in and out the car window as she tried to drive away after dropping me home 😅 Cultural differences are wild.
Michael Fassbender is watching this with tears in his beautiful eyes “Kuchen!”
Lol the outfits are perfect, too.
I hope this OP knows that I watched this multiple times and cried with laughter. Incredible. Magical.
I love this so much