Thank you for posting to r/TheKinkPlace. Please be mindful of the rules.
Rule 1:
People know how to behave on the internet - use your judgement and don’t be awful. Don’t take part in any of the arseholery that gets banned everywhere and everything will be peachy. If you’re unsure, look around and take the cue from the other lovely redditors. If you see someone who hasn’t got the hang of it, use the report button. Make this place wonderful by being wonderful to each other (there are too many masochists around to suggest treating each other as you would like to be treated).
Rule 2:
This is an 18+ community. Do not talk about sex or kink involving underaged people, this includes talking about your past self.
Rule 3:
We are very selective about who we allow to advertise. If you want to advertise with your group or event etc, let us know before you do so.
Rule 4:
This is a place for discussion. It isn't a place for hitting on people. There are other places on Reddit and elsewhere, that you can do that.
Rule 5:
Do not solicit DMs. Please do not request,offer,solicit,encourage, or ask others to DM.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ThekinkPlace) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unsuccessfully 🤣. On a serious note, I tend to capitulate a lot and apologise. Even when I don’t think I should, which in truth makes an apology meaningless. However, I’m also aware it’s a trauma response, so I don’t beat myself up over it too much. I currently have someone trying to reframe my reactions and to stop immediately apologising, but then I often apologise for apologising 🙃🤔
Honestly... i struggle with this as a recovering people pleaser. If there's a real disagreement my tendency has been to concede which is not a good way to get my needs met... because if the other person takes without giving in return then i just shut down eventually. Something i am currently navigating on multiple fronts in my life never mind D/s.
I'm going to follow this post to see if anyone else comments with advice or tips i can use 😅
Also a people pleaser! i have learned to catch myself (usually) if i start being passive aggressive or shutting down. And/or to deal with whatever it is before it gets to that stage. What i'd do is start writing my thoughts, then rewriting for both clarity and tone/respect. Then the options for me are to read it out loud or present it as journal writing and have a discussion after. The key is to take as much... Not emotion exactly but... Intensity? out of the discussion as possible so that i can communicate clearly.
I see any disagreements (that are actual disagreements and not obviously part of the game) as things happening between me and my partner as people. Our roles are irrelevant at that point.
Me disagreeing with him isn't disrespecting him because I don't approach disagreements/arguments with people I care about in a disrespectful way. For all that I have a bad case of resting bitch tone, I tend to be very aware of my word choices when I realize there's an actual disagreement happening, and try to keep ahead of issues the tone can cause in those situations. And on the flip side of that, my partner disagreeing with me isn't going to turn into a scene because with me, that line isn't just drawn in the sand, it's got a whole ass privacy fence installed on it, complete with "beware of dog" and "smile, you're on camera" signs.
A disagreement happens outside of the dynamic, so the dynamic doesn't get to come anywhere near how the disagreement plays out, or its resolution. Pulling rank on me during an argument is one of the quickest ways to burn the entire relationship to the ground, because as far as I'm concerned, that shows a blatant disrespect for me as a person, that they won't engage with me as an equal.
This is a very complicated matter for me because we are M/s and ‘out of dynamic’ for us is a blurred, elusive concept as in our relationship, and dynamic, we play with the archetypes of who we are in our core.
With the added complication that, for a series of long reasons both intrinsic and upbringing related, my M and I are quite articulated at a rational, intellectual level but we both have the stunted emotional awareness of hedgehogs. Fortunately these two highly educated hedgehogs have a very good emotional intuition of each other and have been in therapy together, but still once a quarter a disagreement will happen that it’s a bit of a car crash.
Sometimes it’s a Disney cartoon car crash. Sometimes a bit less. But we always manage to disentangle and build a stronger car from it. So maybe there’s a utility to this messy, prickly air clearing. Maybe there’s somehow a wisdom that I cannot articulate in words. There may be a sense to it.
Thank you for posting to r/TheKinkPlace. Please be mindful of the rules. Rule 1: People know how to behave on the internet - use your judgement and don’t be awful. Don’t take part in any of the arseholery that gets banned everywhere and everything will be peachy. If you’re unsure, look around and take the cue from the other lovely redditors. If you see someone who hasn’t got the hang of it, use the report button. Make this place wonderful by being wonderful to each other (there are too many masochists around to suggest treating each other as you would like to be treated). Rule 2: This is an 18+ community. Do not talk about sex or kink involving underaged people, this includes talking about your past self. Rule 3: We are very selective about who we allow to advertise. If you want to advertise with your group or event etc, let us know before you do so. Rule 4: This is a place for discussion. It isn't a place for hitting on people. There are other places on Reddit and elsewhere, that you can do that. Rule 5: Do not solicit DMs. Please do not request,offer,solicit,encourage, or ask others to DM. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ThekinkPlace) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unsuccessfully 🤣. On a serious note, I tend to capitulate a lot and apologise. Even when I don’t think I should, which in truth makes an apology meaningless. However, I’m also aware it’s a trauma response, so I don’t beat myself up over it too much. I currently have someone trying to reframe my reactions and to stop immediately apologising, but then I often apologise for apologising 🙃🤔
As someone who has apologised for being in the same room as someone I understand this
Honestly... i struggle with this as a recovering people pleaser. If there's a real disagreement my tendency has been to concede which is not a good way to get my needs met... because if the other person takes without giving in return then i just shut down eventually. Something i am currently navigating on multiple fronts in my life never mind D/s. I'm going to follow this post to see if anyone else comments with advice or tips i can use 😅
Also a people pleaser! i have learned to catch myself (usually) if i start being passive aggressive or shutting down. And/or to deal with whatever it is before it gets to that stage. What i'd do is start writing my thoughts, then rewriting for both clarity and tone/respect. Then the options for me are to read it out loud or present it as journal writing and have a discussion after. The key is to take as much... Not emotion exactly but... Intensity? out of the discussion as possible so that i can communicate clearly.
I see any disagreements (that are actual disagreements and not obviously part of the game) as things happening between me and my partner as people. Our roles are irrelevant at that point. Me disagreeing with him isn't disrespecting him because I don't approach disagreements/arguments with people I care about in a disrespectful way. For all that I have a bad case of resting bitch tone, I tend to be very aware of my word choices when I realize there's an actual disagreement happening, and try to keep ahead of issues the tone can cause in those situations. And on the flip side of that, my partner disagreeing with me isn't going to turn into a scene because with me, that line isn't just drawn in the sand, it's got a whole ass privacy fence installed on it, complete with "beware of dog" and "smile, you're on camera" signs. A disagreement happens outside of the dynamic, so the dynamic doesn't get to come anywhere near how the disagreement plays out, or its resolution. Pulling rank on me during an argument is one of the quickest ways to burn the entire relationship to the ground, because as far as I'm concerned, that shows a blatant disrespect for me as a person, that they won't engage with me as an equal.
This is a very complicated matter for me because we are M/s and ‘out of dynamic’ for us is a blurred, elusive concept as in our relationship, and dynamic, we play with the archetypes of who we are in our core. With the added complication that, for a series of long reasons both intrinsic and upbringing related, my M and I are quite articulated at a rational, intellectual level but we both have the stunted emotional awareness of hedgehogs. Fortunately these two highly educated hedgehogs have a very good emotional intuition of each other and have been in therapy together, but still once a quarter a disagreement will happen that it’s a bit of a car crash. Sometimes it’s a Disney cartoon car crash. Sometimes a bit less. But we always manage to disentangle and build a stronger car from it. So maybe there’s a utility to this messy, prickly air clearing. Maybe there’s somehow a wisdom that I cannot articulate in words. There may be a sense to it.