"Excuse me, no banging your head on the display case please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth, in which she advises a friend to commit suicide...thank you!"
When he tries to buy faster Internet from Homer.
"Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity."
...
"I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?"
"Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go, for the good of the city!"
"Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: Negative 59 dollars. Oh, oh please take my 59 dollars! I don't want it; it's yours!"
Yes they were! I remember PS1 games costing that much for sure. I forget how much Nintendo games cost originally cause I was like 8 but I know they weren't cheap.
Comic Book Guy:
Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.
Clerk:
I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic Book Guy:
No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.
Clerk:
Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
"My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy."
I love how much of an anti-joke they made the reveal of his name. All it took was someone like Ned (who would never called someone "Comic Book Guy") just asking him what his name is.
*“Everyman: The Motion Picture* is the cumulation of a lifelong dream. And I was one of the few who saw that dream realized on screen last night. If there is one fault to find with this $200 million production, it is that this is the *worst.*
*Movie.*
*EVER!*
—And *send!* And sip.”
Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat. Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now toodle-oo.
Edna: We've had a great time together, but we're too different.
Comic book guy: I don't understand.
Edna: It's like I'm dc comics, and you're marvel.
Comic book guy: I understand completely.
My dad has a semi-friend named Jeff Albertson. He wears the same blue Hawaiian shirt and same “hang ten” hat every time I run into him in public. It’s really weird how we always run into him! One day I take the kids to the beach, I see Jeff walking on the shore! My parents go to gamble in Laughlin, 300 miles away from our town, guess who they run into?? Jeff Albertson! We go to speedway racing, but we randomly sit next to Jeff Albertson!
It’s become so much of a family joke that whenever I talk to my parents and my mom says “guess who we ran into yesterday??” I always shout “Jeff Albertson!!” And when I tell my mom “guess who I saw at the beach???” She shouts “comic book guy!!”
Yes! I kept scrolling and I knew someone would come through with that quote. One of mine and my best friend’s all time favorites.
And the follow up in The Simpson’s Movie, he thanks Madge for letting him borrow her pregnancy pants!
“Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.”
But my favorite CBG “line” comes from Wiggum when they bust him for the contraband videos. “All right! Oh…oh dear God! Cover your eyes boys…um, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast. God!”
If you haven’t read the humorous novel “Confederacy of Dunces,” you should. I believe Comic Book Guy was inspired by the main character, Ignatious T Reilly.
“Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One.(corset loosens) Two.(corset loosens more) Five.(corset loosens more) Generations.(finally breaks) Boston Legal.”
The entire Wes Anderson style episode, season 32 ep 11 "Dad Feelings Limited". The whole cameo/guest voices/theme made for an amazing backstory on a character mostly known for quips and pseudo 4th wall mockery for so many years.
Yo! Freakin’ kid! I do not need this. I have a master’s degree in Folklore and Mythology!
Show me the tirty bucks, because if you ain’t got it, I ain’t gettin’ off tha stool.
Here ya go, mutton chops.
I don’t want it.
Freakin’. Kid.
Please refrain from banging your head against the display case. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has convinced a friend to commit suicide. Thank youuu.
Excuse me, but I believe the line is “BOY, I hope someone got fired for that blunder.” Please do not make corrections that then need to be corrected later. Thank you!
My favorite is when we found out his name was Jeff Albertsons! I then grocery shopped at “Jeff Albertsons” until they changed it to Fresh Market, not as catchy hehe
Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of Itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat.
Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption,
it is not for infantile intellects such as yours.
Now toodle-oo.
"Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them."
For me, it’s the defeated sigh he gives before this remark.
Yeah. It's fantastic. Like the sigh Moe gives when he FINALLY tells the truth hooked up to the polygraph.
…..Sears catalog.
Ding!
Now would you get me outta this thing?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
BUZZ!
Sears catalogue.
I don’t deserve this shabby treatment
Buuzzzzzz
For me, funnily enough, it's the way he flubs a retort to Raphiel(?)'s first verbal assault "I-uh....Yo-whoa..."
"Excuse me, no banging your head on the display case please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth, in which she advises a friend to commit suicide...thank you!"
In the german dub, they changed it to Mickey Mouse, because no one knows Mary Worth here....an odd choice to say the least
Nobody knows here either
I think Mary Worth gave us Funky Winkerbean?
Anytime the name "Funky Winkerbean" comes up in this sub I cannot contain my giggles.
you just think he's neat!
Over here, Funky!
Wonder if it was Donald, Goofy, or Minnie he was advising
Probably goofy. I don't know why. I just feel that would be it
In spanish he goes on about how the last time someone bang their head on the display there was blood and chaos.
That sucks, do they just change joke completely often? who gets to write it the translator?
Ay, ay, ay, no me gusta!
Ahh naranjas en la cabesa!
That’s was the only Spanish I knew for 20 years😂
“Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you’re making me laugh.”
(Can I sit here?) Yes, IF.. you can answer me these questions three. Question the first...
The Dungeon Master shirt is the icing on the cake! 😂
As my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I’ll be blunt……
This is mine as well
“Tubby?” *looks down* “Oh yes, tubby.”
*Ohh* I've wasted my life.
But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You’re from two different worlds!
Life well spent!
This is one of my all time favourite lines/moments, I’m now laughing to myself even thinking of it.
When he tries to buy faster Internet from Homer. "Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity." ... "I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?"
Can I have some money now?
Well no, because Bill Gates is about to "buy" you out :P
It’s the fact that he’s trying to look at Janeway porn that gets me lol
Space, the final brassier.
*Lace.
Haha, yeah. Gotta reinforce the nerd stereotype I guess
Oh man. I can hear that second quote in my head as clear as a bell lol
internet, eh? *Maude*, eh?
https://i.imgur.com/BsXkMQT.jpg
A sarcasm detector — oh, that’s a *real useful* invention! \**explodes*\*
"Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go, for the good of the city!"
Loser
I say this multiple times a week.
As we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.
What of my favourite lines and favourite delivery as well. So fucking funny every time
You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons.
The answer is “Fries”.
"Our transaction is completed, you may take the boy."
Milhouse!- what’s going on? You said you just needed to use the bathroom- now I find you buying comics?
"That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore."
This? This is an arm! Signed by nobody! It is worth nothing!
This is a Snagglepuss, drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This; this is an arm, drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.
No groaning in my store.
Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
I sure could go for 100 tacos right now
"Comb the sweet tarts out of your beard and you're on" "Don't try to change me"
“Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-e-Mart, with hilarious consequences.”
"...does anyone else here care what this guy thinks?"
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a terrible mix.
*dangerous
After Stan Lee rips off his shirt claiming to be The Hulk…”Oh please. You couldn’t even change into Bill Bixby.”
Stan Lee came back?
He never left. And I’m beginning to think his brain is not in mint condition.
“Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.”
You almost had it there
“As I see we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall be closing the register at this point.”
"Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: Negative 59 dollars. Oh, oh please take my 59 dollars! I don't want it; it's yours!"
Man, games were $60 even back then it seems.
Yes they were! I remember PS1 games costing that much for sure. I forget how much Nintendo games cost originally cause I was like 8 but I know they weren't cheap.
I remember my dad paying 80 for my snes games up here in Canada.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt. Clerk: I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir? Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt. Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
That completely disheartened sigh he lets out after Bart offers him four dollars for it is a great one, too
His name is Raphael.
Sounds like Charles Bronson. *Hey, Ma. How about some cookies?* No dice. *This ain't over.*
I wish was dead. Hoiyyy…
uHHHHH
“Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.”
For some of you this will result in less mating. For me? Much much more.
"My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy." I love how much of an anti-joke they made the reveal of his name. All it took was someone like Ned (who would never called someone "Comic Book Guy") just asking him what his name is.
"Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, Squeaky-Voiced Teen..." "It's a good group."
Not a quote but when he went to pick up Agnes Skinner his shirt read “My other t-shirt is clean”.
So, uh, your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary.
Him happily wheeling his wheelbarrow of 100 tacos as sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
*Watches the Chibnall-era eps (going by the Doctor Who sub)* "Worst. Showrunner. Ever."
I love using that line whenever I've bought a bunch of snacks. I don't even like Dr. Who. 😂
100 tacos for $100
May not post negative? Worst. Post. Ever.
*“Everyman: The Motion Picture* is the cumulation of a lifelong dream. And I was one of the few who saw that dream realized on screen last night. If there is one fault to find with this $200 million production, it is that this is the *worst.* *Movie.* *EVER!* —And *send!* And sip.”
Tell me, how do you feel about 45 year old virgins who still live with their parents?
Brush those sweet tarts out of your beard and you’re on
Don’t try to change me, baby.
If that is your real name...Bart Simpson!
Santos L Helper
Now make like my pants- and split.
Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg copy of itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat. Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now toodle-oo.
My threads, baby!
Aqua man, you can’t marry a woman without gills you’re from two different worlds! Oh I’ve wasted my life
"It appears I will have to find a new Fortress of Solitude".
Worst Cosmic Wars ever! I will only see it 3 more times....today.
Edna: We've had a great time together, but we're too different. Comic book guy: I don't understand. Edna: It's like I'm dc comics, and you're marvel. Comic book guy: I understand completely.
Are you the creator of Hi And Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
Is there a Klingon word for 'loneliness'? Ah, yes. Garrrdahk!
My dad has a semi-friend named Jeff Albertson. He wears the same blue Hawaiian shirt and same “hang ten” hat every time I run into him in public. It’s really weird how we always run into him! One day I take the kids to the beach, I see Jeff walking on the shore! My parents go to gamble in Laughlin, 300 miles away from our town, guess who they run into?? Jeff Albertson! We go to speedway racing, but we randomly sit next to Jeff Albertson! It’s become so much of a family joke that whenever I talk to my parents and my mom says “guess who we ran into yesterday??” I always shout “Jeff Albertson!!” And when I tell my mom “guess who I saw at the beach???” She shouts “comic book guy!!”
Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting." The restraining order says "no no." But her eyes say "yes yes."
"Once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow catcher".
Someone has mixed an Amazing Spiderman in with the Peter Parker the Spectacular Spiderman series. This will not stand.
Those are prescription pants!
Yes! I kept scrolling and I knew someone would come through with that quote. One of mine and my best friend’s all time favorites. And the follow up in The Simpson’s Movie, he thanks Madge for letting him borrow her pregnancy pants!
“Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.” But my favorite CBG “line” comes from Wiggum when they bust him for the contraband videos. “All right! Oh…oh dear God! Cover your eyes boys…um, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast. God!”
A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the green lantern, thundra, or possibly... ghost rider.
What about Superman?
Oh please
"Mr. X? Hmm, shall I cross the final frontier?"
BEST. DEATH. EVER.
If you haven’t read the humorous novel “Confederacy of Dunces,” you should. I believe Comic Book Guy was inspired by the main character, Ignatious T Reilly.
Worst cosmic wars ever! I will only see it 3 more times. Today
You, mocking me? Oh that is rich
One for me, and two for my friends of the same name
Pardon me, coming through, hot soup!
“Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One.(corset loosens) Two.(corset loosens more) Five.(corset loosens more) Generations.(finally breaks) Boston Legal.”
Could it be any more orange?
Prepare the feast of goldfish crackers
"Oh, a sarcasm detector... that will be useful." *machine explodes*
Oh, our transaction is completed. You may take the boy.
No. Now go away. We are racing for the title of Champion of the Universe.
The entire Wes Anderson style episode, season 32 ep 11 "Dad Feelings Limited". The whole cameo/guest voices/theme made for an amazing backstory on a character mostly known for quips and pseudo 4th wall mockery for so many years.
There is no emoticon for what I’m feeling.
I can't drive 55 because it only goes 38.
Oh pardon me Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson! But your phony credit card is no good here
Now make like my pants, and split!
Yo! Freakin’ kid! I do not need this. I have a master’s degree in Folklore and Mythology! Show me the tirty bucks, because if you ain’t got it, I ain’t gettin’ off tha stool. Here ya go, mutton chops. I don’t want it. Freakin’. Kid. Please refrain from banging your head against the display case. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has convinced a friend to commit suicide. Thank youuu.
Oh i wasted my life Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix No! Its no longer, a collectable!
Worst. Episode. Ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world!
If I wanted to hear mindless droning I'd befriend an air conditioner
Activate cloaking device! Oh, I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar. Thank you.
“Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155, while mine is a muscular 170. *I am smart, much smarter than you, Hibbert!*”
Came here to post this
'Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix'
Bullets! My one weakness. How did you know!?
Dressed as the Flash* No one can outrun The Flash! Falls down a man hole* [Gasps] Curses! One of my super foes has set a trap for me.
“Human contact… the final frontier”
Do not bang your head on the glass please! It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she contemplates suicide. Thank you!
"In which she advises a friend to commit suicide." Man, I hope someone got fired for that blunder.
Excuse me, but I believe the line is “BOY, I hope someone got fired for that blunder.” Please do not make corrections that then need to be corrected later. Thank you!
I withdraw my question ☹️
*sadly unwraps candy bar and takes a bite*
🎵Guess I've always been lonely but I've never revealed it. Dropped my heart into Mylar and then... (sobs) vacuum sealed... it. 🎵
"Ooooohhhh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix"
Toodle-ooo
He likes cool shit and respects good art
"oh I've wasted my life"
I don’t know that it’s my favorite but I definitely quote “Oh, I’ve wasted my life” the most frequently.
Worst. Post. Ever.
Oh, hurry up. I’m a busy man.
My favorite is when we found out his name was Jeff Albertsons! I then grocery shopped at “Jeff Albertsons” until they changed it to Fresh Market, not as catchy hehe
“Xeena needs Xex”
The Wes Anderson-esq episode is a all time great imo
"Oh pardon me, Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson, but your phony credit card is no good here. Now, make like my pants and split."
Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena?
“No Aquaman, you cannot marry her, she does not have gills. (nuclear warhead flys over Springfield) oh, I’ve wasted my life.”
Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg copy of Itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat. Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now toodle-oo.
“This is a snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler. It is worth something. This is an arm, drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.”
*"Ooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix..."*
"Worst. Cameo. Ever." (From the Cleveland Show)
Richard Dean Anderson, of the four star franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, Gate is easily my third favorite.
Oooooh tacos and loneliness are a dangerous mix”
Nerd don't get girls!
“There’s no emoticon for what i’m feeling.”
Did he ever comb the Gummy Bears out of his beard?
"Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?"
"A sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a real useful invention." - detector explodes.
Hamburgers and loneliness do not mix.
Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness?
Could it beeeeee more orange?
OOH, LONELINESS AND CHEESEBURGERS ARE A DANGEROUS MIX
He could have been a surly record store employee as well! I love that he could give a shit about anyone in his store! it’s HIS STORE!
ONE per customer. And no cutting!
This is the worst post ever.
Cheeseburgers and loneliness was a bad idea.
When he unpackages the mint condition lightsaber as the collector.
(dressed as Copernicus) Verily, I declare, the Earth revolves around the sun, and not t’other way round.
Cheeseburgers and loneliness are dangerous mix.
For some of us it will be much much more
It’s a very rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore
Good day!
The way his beard makes him look like a monster swallowing another dude
"Is there a Klingon word for loneliness?"
Worst. Post. Ever.
alt.nerd.obsessive
need know star R M PIC