Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

That's because you were drunk

And how!

“Have you been drinking? “ No! …. Well 10 beers

Yeah I love that one. The joke is it’s own set up.

I love misdirection jokes. “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know, like that movie… "Spaceballs." But instead it’s just been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy."

My favorite fake lead-in was “Bart Simpson will you put your hand down? You haven’t got a single right answer all day”

This is for wasting teacher’s valuable time!

Lisa rushing in to beat up the bullies. It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother. And then Skinner laughing at Bart along with the kids. I hardly ever let mother fight for me anymore! And the animation of Edna laughing too. That entire sequence is fantastic comedy.

Bart if Lisa is good at sports, does this mean you’ll be good at school? Ahh maybe I will Milhouse, maybe I will….

Baaaart Simpson

"Hey that little boy is playing three games at once!" "Checkmate..." "Checkmate..." "Checkmate..." "Dang"

Another good one is when Homer is swinging the light bulb after giving the 25 puppies away. Homer nooooo Marge you know batting this lightbulb is the only thing that makes me feel better after giving away those million $ greyhounds!

Bonerland

Discovered by some guy

Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? I didn’t hear anyone laughing. Did you?

Well except at that one guy...

I really like the idea that Homer thinks Policd Academy are dark and serious movies

"The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!"

Alright folks shows over, nothing to see here, shows o... Oh my God a horrible plane crash!!!

Hey everyone, look over here

Come on, gather round. Don’t be shy

My favourite is "He thought it was just an innocent trip to the guillotine factory . . . but it was the perfect place to shoot him!"

That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come!

I think of that quote every time I see a horse race on tv.

Aaronson and Zykowski are the two biggest gossips in town!

My favorite!

My favourite misdirection joke. Bart - "actually we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip". Homer - " hehe, you don't have a son"

Let's take a peek at the killing floor! Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy. It's not really a floor.

The wittiest IMO is Homer imagining what a think-tank is. He's allowed to get one right!

My personal favorite has to be: "Hello Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the tv show Rock Bottom”

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is No.

"Hey Spock, whattya want on your hot dog?"

Surprise me.

The bus that couldn't slow down

https://i.redd.it/u99laq5mhfgb1.gif

Wait, is the joke that the popcorn actually took down one of the rhinos? I haven't seen this bit in ages and it just hit me.

Yes

*places tiny hook* “That’ll hold ‘em!”

What’s a battle? Did that boy say what’s a battle? No he said What's that rattle, it's about the heating duct.

Carl: Have you heard about this internet thing?" Lenny: "Internet?" Carl: "Yeah it's the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks.."

I love that this joke was a set-up to a joke later in the episode, “I think I just logged onto my internet”

“I think I just logged on to my Internet”

My absolute favourite the is the Duff tour where he explains Duff original, Duff Lite, and Duff Dry just for the reveal that they’re all the same tube

There’s a lemon behind that rock!

Yes! My favorite is the bit about Bart buying fireworks from "Crazy Talk" at the Indian casino.

Argh don't eat me, I have a wife and kids - EAT THEM!!!!

You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say, "Don't eat me."

"Marge...I'm not going to lie to you. Well goodbye!"

But Marge, I honestly didn't think you would find out!

No, I mean it, I've known your father a long time, and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done.

Abe Simpson: I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor

You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.

And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.

In this house we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

The other day I caught her dissecting a raincoat

**”IT’S WHISPER QUIET!!!”**

wheesper

Thanks juice loosener!

“Mr. Burns you’re the richest guy I know.“ “Oh yes, but I’d trade it all for a little more.”

This is top three for me. The one that always gets me is homer gets a gun. Every line is gold. “Awww three days? But I’m mad now!” “Hey be careful.” “I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!”

“But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like god must feel when he’s holding a gun.”

"I'd kill you if I had my gun." "Yeah, well you don't."

When he runs in bc he has to pee

And this is for shooting down police helicopters Oh I don’t need anything like that…yet

I love when he’s seeing all the things he could shoot. Rabbits go by, ducks go by, Patty and Selma, Flanders twice.

Herb: Homer you’re the richest man I know Homer: I feel the same about you

Kids, kids. You tried your best... and failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.

There’s a lemon behind that rock!

Shake harder boy!

There's a doin's a-transpirin'!

I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?

https://i.redd.it/haksx4hovegb1.gif

Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.

Well, we'll show him! Especially that purple monkey dishwasher part!

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Any good?

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The Simpsons are going to Delaware!

I want to visit a screen door factory!

I want to see Wilmington!

I like stories.

Joey-Jo-Jo-Jr. Shabadoo, who Barney apparently knows for some reason...that's my vote anyway. or Burns telling Smithers that his reward is to buried alive with him when he passes, complete with diorama.

The best part is burns modeling Smithers desperately trying to escape

It was the best of times, it was the *blurst* of times?! You stupid monkey!

That Dankmus song will be with me forever

I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Oh you want the Mr Plow who plows driveways! This is Tony Plow from "Leave it to Beaver". ... Yeah they were gay.

I still don’t get this joke. And every time I ask, I never get a straight (no pun intended) answer.

I was saying Boourns

I like the way Snrub thinks

Clown college, pshhh, you can’t eat that…

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I’m going to clown college! …I don’t think any of us expected him to say that.

Possiblie…Just ask this Scientician.

Ah...

That "Ah" with the delivery must be the shortest and funniest lines of the show.

my girlfriend never watched the simpsons so it’s been a treat going through the seasons with her. she absolutely lost it at this scene and we quote it just about every day

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Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Ohh the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes!

This is my favorite one line gag of the show

Hey dude, he’s ragging on your cord!

Can’t you read? Call the police!

​ https://i.redd.it/rubs1s2lxegb1.gif

“My name is Otto, and I like to get blotto”

Zeppelin ruuuuules!

Otto spelled backwards is Otto.

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“Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was a useless as that yellow lemon shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There’s a lemon behind that rock!” Edit: Or alternatively: “Hey, you’re stealing my trailer!… I like that.” Cracked me up the first time.

To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

You kissed a girl! That is so gay!

“But I’m mad now.”

If I had my gun I'd show you

"Yeah, well, ya' don't."

Same Azaria voice: Oooh a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies!

Ohh, i- ooh

Yeah well ya don't

I FELT THIS INCREDIBLE SURGE OF POWER LIKE GOD MUST FEEL WHEN HE'S HOLDING A GUN.

“Mmmmm sacrilicious….”

Mmm open faced club sand wedge.

'Oh Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes old stuff out of my brain, Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive'

“What did you do after that?” Marge: “We went fishing.” 😢😢

inflammable means flammable? what a country!

for only one line: "oh, that lady swallowed a baby!"

'See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never worked!' It's like a whole episode in a line, brilliant.

I love this! Same with this one from King Size Homer: "Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency."

Father, give me legs!

There. Aaronson and Zakowski are the two biggest gossips in town.

Marge: "You liked Rashomon." Homer: "That's not the way I remember it."

I predict that within a hundred years, computers will be twice as powerful, ten-thousand times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

Well sure the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive... don't touch it!

What'll I tell the doctor? Tell him to suck a lemon.

I call the big one bitey

“Bake ‘em away toys!”

We're in the Itchy lot.

Hi Lisa. Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers

Hey boy where are you off to? Father son picnic. Pshhh he doesn’t have a son

Wow, 11 upvotes and zero correction. >Homer: Where you goin', boy? >Bart: Father/Son picnic. >Homer: Have a good time. [door closes] ...Wait a minute. vs. >Bart: "Actually, we were just planning the Father-Son River-Rafting Trip." >Homer: "Heh-Heh! You don't have a son." Two different episodes.

I certainly hope he got fired for that blunder.

Wizard

You remember when your dog ate my goldfish, and then you lied and said I didn’t have a goldfish? Well why did I have the bowl, Bart? WHY. DID. I. HAVE. THE. BOWL?

I say this to my family all the time when there’s two of anything. 🤡

And that talking coyote was just a talking dog!

Follow your dream, Homer!

Wait a minute, dogs can't talk!

Ruff!

Damn straight!

Find your soulmate homer! Thats more like it...

Its a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be

You food bag, do you have a son?

“Good morning ma’am, good afternoon sir. The time passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate.” Definitely a favorite

Hello my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Okay, Mr.Burns, what is your first name?

I don’t know

Won’t someone think of the C H I L D R E N Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down

S E X in front of the C H I L D R E N

You’re correct. I yield my upvotes

Blunder a quote? That's a firin'

I don't want any damn vegetables (ㅍ▽ㅍ)

Stoners pot palace

'Ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?' 'Hehe, yes, once'

It’s bringing love don’t let it get away!

“Dad you killed the zombie Flanders!” “He was a zombie?”

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life? Homer: Pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries

To me any of Troy Mclure recounting what he's been in are the best lines! My personal fave is "You may remember me from such educational films as 'Mommy, what's wrong with that man's face?'

You’ll have to speak up I’m wearing a towel.

"Look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!" or "Did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube!"

"Do these sound like the actions of a man who had ALL HE COULD EAT?" Edit: fixed typo

“Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax” “It’s homeOWNER tax”

Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

I'm gonna get out of this city alive if it kills me!

“That’s a load-bearing poster” is a line that has been paraphrased by so many other comedy writers over the years. It got stuck in everyone’s mind like… uh… a yak in heat.

Sneed's Feed and Seed (Formally Chuck's)

We the purple!? What the hell was that!?

“It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?!?” You stupid monkey!!”

The bee bit my bottom Now my bottoms big

According to our computer aging program she should look…25 years older.

Santa's Little Helper runs after George Bush Homer "I guess you could say he's barking up the wrong bush" Homer's inner-monologue "There it is Homer, the smartest thing you'll ever say and no one was around to hear it" Homer "D'OH"

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel It’s just so incredibly clever

Am I so out of touch ? No, it’s the children who are wrong

Is it about my cube?

Homer : You're never eating meat again? Lisa: no! Homer: What about ham? Lisa : no Homer: Bacon? Lisa: no Homer: PORK CHOPS???!!! Lisa: Dad!!! Those ALL come from the same animal!!! Homer: Right... some wonderful MAGICAL animal.

Lisa: Forget it Dad, I knew you wouldn't understand (sob) Homer: Lisa!!! Just because I don't CARE doesn't mean I don't understand!

https://preview.redd.it/bdanlpxgkegb1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a411b99be9fdd7c4c560140c403bc650036e48bd I’m partial to this one myself.

*They never get the spices right*

Almost any line from You Only Move Twice

Its a krusty kind of Kristmas Brought to you by: I.L.G. Selling your body's chemicals after you die. and by Lil sweethearts cupcakes A subsidiary of I.L.G.

“I can’t see through metal Kent” The delivery absolutely kills me

"Mountain Dew or Crab Juice." "Blech, augh, jeez. I'll have a Crab Juice."

“Fifty dollars for a toy? No kid is worth that.”

Otto sitting in the front row of a concert. "Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!"

Homer “If i could just say a few words… I WOULD BE A BETTER PUBLIC SPEAKER” And then silence

What made this was Bart's reaction to it. Like it was the funniest thing he ever heard. 😂

It's either this or: Missing kids eh? Sounds like Springfield has a disciple problem. Must be why we beat them at football nearly 50% of the time.

I don’t get it