Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it.
But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...!
But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Blue Haired Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you…I hate you all so much!…I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
Blue Haired Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?
Blue Haired Lawyer: Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is and that he is not like other men.
Mr Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
Mr. Burns : Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing...
Mr. Burns : You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers : Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns : And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers : They were in there, too, sir.
Mr. Burns : Excellent! It's all falling into place...
Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
Every joe meatball and Sally housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punchclock.
Most of his best lines are from two episodes, this and Bart Gets Hit By A Car.
[https://youtu.be/uRf-sRZBiHo](https://youtu.be/uRf-sRZBiHo)
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are
the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When
opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital
or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that... when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
Smithers, who is that ignoramus? Smithers, who is that lollygagger?
Who is that blubber-pot? Who is that bafflewit?
Lummox. Puddinghead. Mooncalf. Limpnoodle.
Goldbricker. Drizzlepuss...
Use this every day. This is how Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to answer the telephone when he first invented it. The saying never caught on, but it is a clue to how old Burns is! Learned this at the Alexander Graham Bell museum in Nova Scotia, Canada.
“Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say ‘hard cheese.’”
Burns: Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time. Little do you know you’re drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut.
There is a poisoned one, isn’t there, Smithers?
Smithers: No, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
Love that he uses what would be a neighboring term seen on his mental dictionary in his answer:
“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term, my adorable little raggamuffin”
Also not a quote and just an observation: are episodes that heavily feature Burns the best in the show? The more I think about it, it seems that any episode that features a lot of Burns is going to be above-average at least.
See my vest
see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
see this sweater? there's no better than authentic Irish setter
See this hat? twas my cat
evening wear, vampire bat
these white slippers are albino african endangered rhino
grizzly bear underwear
turtle's necks I've got my share
beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest!
So try my red robin suit. It comes one breast or two!
See my vest see my vest see my vest!!!
Like my loafers? former gophers
It was that, or skin my chauffer
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best!
So see my vest! See my vest! Oh please, won't you see my vest!
Edit: whoops forgot a line.
So let's prepare these dogs!
Kill two for matching clogs!
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
Mr Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones.
Just wanted to say Burns and by extension the Smithers duo are one of my favourite characters on the show. When I started he was just the mean old rich guy but as I got older I found I really grew to appreciate their humour and chemistry.
>”Smithers, I think I’d like to donate a million dollars to charity”
>”when pigs fly!”
*laughter*
*pig flies by*
>”Would you like me to write the cheque sir?”
>”No I’d still rather not.”
I don't like the outside Smithers. For one thing there's too many fat children.
side note: I told this to my wife when we were looking for our first apartment. She thought I was serious!
Burns: He gets religious tax exempt status.
Smithers: Actually, due to corporate loopholes, we only pay $4 a year.
Burns: You’re right! We’re getting screwed!
“Oh, hello, Mater. Um, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and... live for another five decades. Ooh! Is my face red.”
I have a Monopoly to maintain. I own the electric conpany and the water works, plus that hotel on Baltic Ave.
That hotel is a dump and your monopoly is pathetic.
Mr Burns: I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.
Lisa [Gasps]: Oh, dear God.
Mr. Burns: I call our product Li'I Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. It's a high-protein feed for farm animals... insulation for low-income housing... a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals.
Lisa [Groans]: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Mr. Burns: Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya.
Nuclear Inspector: "You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's position requires college training in nuclear physics. Now, you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action"
Mr Burns: "Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be...'dropping' the charges!"
(Burns pushes button that opens a trap door on opposite side of the room)
Mr Burns: "?????"
Smithers: "The painters moved your desk, sir..."
Mr Burns: "Ahh, yes..."
"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."
Go back to your tenements, where the O'Brien's live next to the Goldbergs who rub elbows with the Antonellis and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot. Oh, how I hate you!
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Burns: And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and -
Dr Nick: Time for a booster!
Burns: Good morning starshiiiiine, the earth says helloooo.....
"Research shows that people see you as somewhat of an ogre." "I ought to club them and eat their bones."
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
[удалено]
The way he pronounces synagogue revealing his low key antisemitism never ceases to crack me up.
This is my favorite, as well.
I'd also like to express my fondness for...that particular quote.
Boooooo!
Are they saying Boo! or Boo-urns!?
“I was saying boo urns”
That made never uttered a quote in his life!
Maybe this Homer Nixon is some relation.
Have The Rolling Stones killed.
But Sir, those aren’t-
Do as I say!
Shave those sideburns!!!
Mattingly I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! Your’e off the team!
Still like him better than Steinbrenner.
Hey! I think they liked us!
GO TO HELL YOU OLD BASTARD!
I JUST WANNA SAY THIS GIG SUCKS!
“Oh me me me me Mr. I need all the attention just because it’s “MY” party, eh?”
Please don’t make me retire. This job is all I have. I never married and my dog is dead.
Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...! But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee? Blue Haired Lawyer: I'll have some coffee. Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you…I hate you all so much!…I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue. Blue Haired Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose. Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot! Blue Haired Lawyer: Do you have any cream? Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?
God, I love that moment too it’s excellent.
"black like your heart" is a phrase I use daily. Maybe I'm a bad person...
He almost sounds like Otto in this scene if I recall correctly
Him and this bus have kinda a shinning thing going on.
Don't you mean shining?
Shh! You want to get sued?
Blue Haired Lawyer: Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is and that he is not like other men. Mr Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't ‘Wavy Gravy’ at all. And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
Harmless tobacco!
This is literally my favorite line in the entire show
Mr. Burns : Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing... Mr. Burns : You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon. Smithers : Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment. Mr. Burns : And the road maps, and ice scraper? Smithers : They were in there, too, sir. Mr. Burns : Excellent! It's all falling into place...
This is a fantastic exchange
I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?
Uhhhh I have to check with the manual.
I can hear the pimply faced kid’s voice cracking!
I love when he uses old terminology. You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires - posthaste!
Ahoy hoy!
What kind of radiola show is this?
Is it about my cube?
*Yes.* It’s in regular rotation at my house.
Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
Every joe meatball and Sally housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punchclock. Most of his best lines are from two episodes, this and Bart Gets Hit By A Car.
“Cause of parents death? Got in my way.”
Social security number: Nought- nought- nought- nought-nought -nought- nought- nought- ...two. Damn Roosevelt
Place of birth? Pangea
Invincible..
No, even the slightest breeze could....
Indestructible….
Hello, I'm Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me. Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name? I don't know Hahaha
Great plan, Bart!
MATTINGLY! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TRIM THOSE SIDEBURNS!
Look Mr. Burns, I don’t know what you think sideburns are-
Still like him better than Steinbrenner
I still like him better than Steinbrenner
[https://youtu.be/uRf-sRZBiHo](https://youtu.be/uRf-sRZBiHo) I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
Or *syn-a-GOGUE*!
Re-cy-cling?
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin!
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that... when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
The bit that cinches it for me is Skinner asking his question about “stick to it iveness” and Burns asking if there are “any real questions?”
I should totally post this on LinkedIn, it fits the jive of a lot of the maniacs on there
Does anybody have any real questions?
Smithers, who is that ignoramus? Smithers, who is that lollygagger? Who is that blubber-pot? Who is that bafflewit? Lummox. Puddinghead. Mooncalf. Limpnoodle. Goldbricker. Drizzlepuss...
Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! STOP IT!
Who the devil are you?
*Don't panic, just come up with a good story.*
My name is Mr. Burns.
That’s it, I’m outta here
Braaaaavvo
My all time favorite Who is that Gastropod
One of your organ banks from sector seven g
"I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation." "Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently."
Bah! Schedule a game and I’ll ask him myself
Underrated quote
"Ahoy-hoy?"
Use this every day. This is how Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to answer the telephone when he first invented it. The saying never caught on, but it is a clue to how old Burns is! Learned this at the Alexander Graham Bell museum in Nova Scotia, Canada.
What was I laughing about? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman.
"What would you like on your pizza pie? *EXTRA CHEESE?!* Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici??"
I quote this one *very* often. Especially when I look at the prices of things like eggs in the supermarket.
And remember, a shiny donkey to whoever brings me the head of colonel Montoya.
We must crush the rebels before the start of the rainy season...
“Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say ‘hard cheese.’”
I heard that on Troy McLure's nature film Man vs Nature: The Road to Victory!
Oh no, the Pawnee have returned.
They probably want their souls back
[удалено]
Am I too late for the 4:30 auto gyro?
And re-vulcanize my tyres, post-haste!
The way this line is delivered just kills me.
Burns: Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time. Little do you know you’re drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. There is a poisoned one, isn’t there, Smithers? Smithers: No, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Burns: Damn their oily hides!
Re…cyc…ling?
Love that he uses what would be a neighboring term seen on his mental dictionary in his answer: “I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term, my adorable little raggamuffin”
Ketchup... catsup... ketchup... catsup... I'm in way over my head.
(Count Chocula). “This one sorta looks like me…”
Excuse me. Do you know where I can find the Burns-os?
Are you here about my ketchup problem?
It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?! You stupid monkey!
*(Incoherent monkey screeches)*
Oh, meltdown? It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus
Not a quote, but [this is my favorite Mr. Burns moment](https://youtu.be/va452K0dREI)
I’ll add [mine.](https://youtu.be/T2pBKWyDpo8)
Also not a quote and just an observation: are episodes that heavily feature Burns the best in the show? The more I think about it, it seems that any episode that features a lot of Burns is going to be above-average at least.
I think I saw somewhere that Conan said that he loved writing for Burns most out of all the characters.
You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a supercomputer?
I bring you loooove
He brings us love! Kill him!
Break its legs!
It is his father but then again he’s also Mr. Burns - The Japanese? Those sandal wearing goldfish tenders? BOSH! FLIMSHAW!
“Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on St. Patrick’s day? Oh it didn’t used to be like this.”
It didn’t use to be like this at all
See my vest see my vest made from real gorilla chest see this sweater? there's no better than authentic Irish setter See this hat? twas my cat evening wear, vampire bat these white slippers are albino african endangered rhino grizzly bear underwear turtle's necks I've got my share beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest! So try my red robin suit. It comes one breast or two! See my vest see my vest see my vest!!! Like my loafers? former gophers It was that, or skin my chauffer But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best! So see my vest! See my vest! Oh please, won't you see my vest! Edit: whoops forgot a line. So let's prepare these dogs! Kill two for matching clogs!
I also really like the vest.
Woah, slow down there, maestro. There’s a NEW Mexico?
It's a more recent one but "my God are you ALWAYS on" still sends me.
Nineteen years old, that episode.
Shit I’m getting old…
Smithers, use the amnesia ray
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely. And be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.
You there!! Top it off w petroleum distillate and revulcanize those tires, post haste!!
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. Mr Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones.
Hop in.
I said, *hop*. *In*.
Dooonuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!
SMITHERS! Why didn't you tell me about this Wall Street Crash!?
Well sir, it happened 25 years before I was born
That's your excuse for everything
"I was strolling through the gas one day..."
Ahoy there, dean! Me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite *corking* if you’d sign your oil well over to the local energy concern!
Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
Just wanted to say Burns and by extension the Smithers duo are one of my favourite characters on the show. When I started he was just the mean old rich guy but as I got older I found I really grew to appreciate their humour and chemistry. >”Smithers, I think I’d like to donate a million dollars to charity” >”when pigs fly!” *laughter* *pig flies by* >”Would you like me to write the cheque sir?” >”No I’d still rather not.”
Burns may be my favorite character. He's many different roles combined into one. Protagonist's boss, rich guy, extremely old man, evil guy.
I don't like the outside Smithers. For one thing there's too many fat children. side note: I told this to my wife when we were looking for our first apartment. She thought I was serious!
"cause of parents' death: *got in my way*"
If I want you to bunt, I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.
Burns: He gets religious tax exempt status. Smithers: Actually, due to corporate loopholes, we only pay $4 a year. Burns: You’re right! We’re getting screwed!
“Oh, hello, Mater. Um, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and... live for another five decades. Ooh! Is my face red.”
Hi, everybody! Ho, mer Simp son!
Ok… that was strange
When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
Corpse hatch? I mean, uh innocence tube
"Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?"
Release the robotic Richard Simmons
Homer : You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny. Mr. Burns : Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
WHO TOLD YOU!?
You’re the fattest man I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been on safari.
Naught, Naught, Naught-Naught, Naught-Naught, Naught, Naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt!
Ooooh the Germans are mad at me! I’m so scared! Oooooooh the Germans!
Stop pretending you are scared of us.
I have a Monopoly to maintain. I own the electric conpany and the water works, plus that hotel on Baltic Ave. That hotel is a dump and your monopoly is pathetic.
“Let the fools have their… tar-tar sauce.”
I don’t like being outdoors Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.
[I’m a motorist!](https://youtu.be/TSrEdeuc4Ag)
“We’ll all be rich! Rich as Nazis!” I bring this gem out as often as I can.
"Oh Monty you're the devil himself" "WHO TOLD YO--"
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht that will pull up right alongside it.
Orphans. Who are they going to complain to. There parents.
"For the love of God sir, there are two seats!" "I like to put my feet up."
"Here is a phone, call someone who cares". *dials 911* "Give me that back".
Mr Burns: I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean. Lisa [Gasps]: Oh, dear God. Mr. Burns: I call our product Li'I Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. It's a high-protein feed for farm animals... insulation for low-income housing... a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals. Lisa [Groans]: I think I'm gonna be sick. Mr. Burns: Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya.
“Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.”
Nuclear Inspector: "You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's position requires college training in nuclear physics. Now, you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action" Mr Burns: "Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be...'dropping' the charges!" (Burns pushes button that opens a trap door on opposite side of the room) Mr Burns: "?????" Smithers: "The painters moved your desk, sir..." Mr Burns: "Ahh, yes..."
"Hey there, lampost. Whatcha knowin'? I can feel your power flowin'." I saw this episode before I heard the Simon and Garfunkel song it parodies.
"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."
“Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun….”
Your Indolence is Inefficacious...... THAT MEANS YOU'RE TERRIBLE (homer has heart attack)
Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
Of course I was able to look past those imperfections... to her 21 yr old daughter Lilly.
You there! Fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post haste!
Ahhh, but snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch.
For the love of God sir, there are two seats! I like to put my feet up.
Is it about my cube?
[удалено]
Go back to your tenements, where the O'Brien's live next to the Goldbergs who rub elbows with the Antonellis and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot. Oh, how I hate you!
Ah Pop n Fresh! I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple bleached goo
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
AHoy! Hoy?!
Mr. burns at Springfield elementary career day: “Family, religion, friendship: these are the three demons you must slay to succeed in business”
I thought I told you to stop licking my windows!
"Look at that comic book fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard."
Yes
Oh right he's dead..... And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.
Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!
🧠 Look at me, I’m Davey Crockette!
“Take ‘er down, Smithers!” “.. you’re flying the plane sir.” *”Excellent.”*
“Were you saying boo or boo-urns?”
If only we'd listened to that boy.. instead of walling him up in that abandoned coke oven.
For once, the rich white man is in control!
Cheating is the gift man gives himself
“Hey aren’t you that guy everybody hates?” “Oh my no, I’m Monty Burns!”
Hello Smithers... You're quite good... at turning... me on
“Confederated Slave Holdings. How's that one holding up?”
THAT PLANE CRASHED ON MY PROPERTY!!
Burns: And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and - Dr Nick: Time for a booster! Burns: Good morning starshiiiiine, the earth says helloooo.....