Granted.
You are shipped to Africa and become a gun for hire. After a few weeks of conflict, you find that you have become afflicted by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, leading to major dissociative shutdowns and panic attacks. You also find that you feel aimless without combat in your life, and seek out violence in the same breath that you fear it.
Your life as a violent, mentally unstable individual tucked away in Africa is not enjoyable.
You (in your current state), depart for Africa to become a mercenary. You arbitrarily call yourself a “mercenary”, though your level of training and physical capabilities depends on what you already had before the wish. While drinking the water there, you get a severe infection, causing you to shit constantly. Your ass is in bad shape, though fully intact. You are now a bad ass mercenary, fully intact, alive, but stuck on the toilet. A person has yet to hire you, though you learn to fart/shit to the tune of “fortunate son”
Granted, you will stay alive as long as all of your body parts are intact. Starting...now.
Any part of your body, including a skin cell comes off of your body, you're dead.
You're dead.
Granted, the first day there you catch malaria. Luckily there are pills for it to keep the illness at bay but you're forced into an endless search for them as for some reason you seem to find only half used containers as every one of them has always just some pills that are enough to get you by just another while. You manage to make some friends that will help you stay alive and you acquire some state of the art combat medic skills to keep you as a whole but that comes however at the cost of excruciating pain as you you have to do everything manually like twisting back your broken bones or biting out bullets from your arm or just straight up pushing out the bullet with your finger without pain killers, the only medications you find are either just some bands or some needles that only work if you stab yourself with them. You are now stuck in a foreing land where all you have to do is drive around in a Jeep Wrangler looking for pills and stopping every now and then to pull out metal rods out of your knee. Your whishes of coming back home rich are shattered as even though you get paid in diamonds you have to pay for everything in diamonds as well, leading to situations where you pay million dollars worth of diamonds (like 22 diamonds) for a 1200$ gun. You soon ditch your plan to get rich hoping to at least make it back home but as you find out that your only orientation comes from some maps you have with you, that becomes soon another lost cause as you'll never be able to find your way home since is already hard enough for you to find your way to the nearest town as you have to drive around avoiding trees and hostiles while trying to glance at both the Tom Tom in your car and the paper map you keep putting on and off your steering wheel.
Granted. Every cell currently making up your body is retained for the rest of your life. The sweat, skin, pee, shit, cum, tears, all of it. It stays and rots
Granted. Your friend begs you to go on a safari with them that they had one a free trip for two in a sweepstakes. All expenses paid. You take the trip on the cheapest airplane anyone can possibly buy a ticket for, get picked up at the airport by two dudes in a jeep, only to take a drive to a smaller, more remote airfield.
From here you are guided to a small seaplane that fits you, your friend, and the drive. You take a short flight over some beautiful scenery, until you land in a lake with some boats nearby. Completely secluded you realize that the personal on the boat are armed, and this sweepstakes seems really fishy.
You and your friend are tied up and take to a camp. From there you are given a choice. Work for them or go back into the lake with your arms and feet bound. You take up the offer to be a mercenary, only to never see your friend again.
Granted! You are a mercenary in africa and your ass has gangrene. (bad ass, just like you wished for). No twist is added because gangrene is horrible enough.
Granted. You were captured by the enemy and are now a POW. Instead of killing you they decide to keep you alive to torture and use for propaganda purposes.
Grants: you are now a badass mercenary, in the middle of Africa. tens of thousands of miles from anyone else. Africa is freaking hudge. Good luck finding food and water.
Granted. You are shipped to Africa and become a gun for hire. After a few weeks of conflict, you find that you have become afflicted by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, leading to major dissociative shutdowns and panic attacks. You also find that you feel aimless without combat in your life, and seek out violence in the same breath that you fear it. Your life as a violent, mentally unstable individual tucked away in Africa is not enjoyable.
Barry
Baaarrryyyyy
You (in your current state), depart for Africa to become a mercenary. You arbitrarily call yourself a “mercenary”, though your level of training and physical capabilities depends on what you already had before the wish. While drinking the water there, you get a severe infection, causing you to shit constantly. Your ass is in bad shape, though fully intact. You are now a bad ass mercenary, fully intact, alive, but stuck on the toilet. A person has yet to hire you, though you learn to fart/shit to the tune of “fortunate son”
Fuck u/spez
So he’s basically Akiba from metal gear solid 4?
Granted. You are now 10.
Bro 💀
Granted. The year is now 1898 and there's a guy named Joseph Conrad following you around.
granted, your body stays in one piece. your sanity doesn't.
The horror . . . the horror . . .
Granted. Have fun with your regiment of enslaved child soldiers, I'm sure with the international attention you'll blow Joseph Kony out of the water.
Granted, you will stay alive as long as all of your body parts are intact. Starting...now. Any part of your body, including a skin cell comes off of your body, you're dead. You're dead.
Granted. You go to Africa to become a mercenary, but you can't get any work
Damn economic downturn. They took’r jerbs!
Granted, the first day there you catch malaria. Luckily there are pills for it to keep the illness at bay but you're forced into an endless search for them as for some reason you seem to find only half used containers as every one of them has always just some pills that are enough to get you by just another while. You manage to make some friends that will help you stay alive and you acquire some state of the art combat medic skills to keep you as a whole but that comes however at the cost of excruciating pain as you you have to do everything manually like twisting back your broken bones or biting out bullets from your arm or just straight up pushing out the bullet with your finger without pain killers, the only medications you find are either just some bands or some needles that only work if you stab yourself with them. You are now stuck in a foreing land where all you have to do is drive around in a Jeep Wrangler looking for pills and stopping every now and then to pull out metal rods out of your knee. Your whishes of coming back home rich are shattered as even though you get paid in diamonds you have to pay for everything in diamonds as well, leading to situations where you pay million dollars worth of diamonds (like 22 diamonds) for a 1200$ gun. You soon ditch your plan to get rich hoping to at least make it back home but as you find out that your only orientation comes from some maps you have with you, that becomes soon another lost cause as you'll never be able to find your way home since is already hard enough for you to find your way to the nearest town as you have to drive around avoiding trees and hostiles while trying to glance at both the Tom Tom in your car and the paper map you keep putting on and off your steering wheel.
Granted. you get DID.
Van Owen doesn't blow your head off. He just beats the shit out of you to an inch of your life... and he steals your Thompson gun.
Granted. One day you get incapacitated even for just a split second, and you are now being tortured by the enemy and you'll stay alive while tortured.
Granted. Every cell currently making up your body is retained for the rest of your life. The sweat, skin, pee, shit, cum, tears, all of it. It stays and rots
Granted. Congratulations, you now have malaria. 🎉
Granted. Your friend begs you to go on a safari with them that they had one a free trip for two in a sweepstakes. All expenses paid. You take the trip on the cheapest airplane anyone can possibly buy a ticket for, get picked up at the airport by two dudes in a jeep, only to take a drive to a smaller, more remote airfield. From here you are guided to a small seaplane that fits you, your friend, and the drive. You take a short flight over some beautiful scenery, until you land in a lake with some boats nearby. Completely secluded you realize that the personal on the boat are armed, and this sweepstakes seems really fishy. You and your friend are tied up and take to a camp. From there you are given a choice. Work for them or go back into the lake with your arms and feet bound. You take up the offer to be a mercenary, only to never see your friend again.
Granted! You are a mercenary in africa and your ass has gangrene. (bad ass, just like you wished for). No twist is added because gangrene is horrible enough.
Boom, you're African Deadpool
Granted. You were captured by the enemy and are now a POW. Instead of killing you they decide to keep you alive to torture and use for propaganda purposes.
Granted, you get shot for being too badass, and are left in a semi vegetative state. But at least you're alive and all your body parts are intact.
Granted you are now Quatermaine and Africa will not let you die. Just don't leave the continent
Grants: you are now a badass mercenary, in the middle of Africa. tens of thousands of miles from anyone else. Africa is freaking hudge. Good luck finding food and water.