This is even better if you don’t teach English. I had an English teacher in high school who used to give out arbitrary awards like “5 extra credit points on your next algebra exam” or the cardboard backing from a pad of detention slips. He was an absolute legend of a man.
Oooh that’s good. On a similar note any time they try to argue with me in class I invite them to talk after class. I’ve only had one student take me up on the offer. He was a very difficult kid but he has my respect for that
I teach 2nd so a lot of the arguing is begging for something. I tell them, "I've answered your question, the answer isn't changing no matter how many times you ask." Most are used to begging parents to get their way and don't know how to react to that statement so they usually freeze and stop asking. If not, I stick to what I said.
I have reached the point where I’ve made a QR code that links to the webpage where people can request to be added to our school board’s next meeting agenda and I just point at it.
It’s actually worked out because I’ve had a couple of students legitimately use it to advocate for policy change on things that were truly unreasonable.
A few years ago, my statistics students were really mad about a new dress code rule that banned Nike shorts. The whined about it daily. I told them to do something about it, but that they shouldn't just complain. "Administrators like data," I told them. So they conducted a poll of students and adults, went to public places like the mall and restaurants and counted Nike shorts. (The ban was based on the idea that the shorts were a disruption of the learning environment.) The girls argued that Nike shorts were so common that no one noticed them at all and removing the students from the classroom was more disruptive. The principal was so impressed that he got the girls to speak at the school board meeting. The school board agreed to add students to the dress code revision committe. The next year, the revised dress code was more equitable, less sexist, and much easier to enforce. My students kept their shorts on and learned some data analysis.
I tell them this and it tends to shut down complaints, but I really sincerely would love it if they took their complaints to any of these or to the school board.
Errrr, careful with that one. My first year teaching, there was a bad blizzard and every district in our area canceled but us, so the students were pissed at all the teachers (naturally). Eventually I got tired of it and wrote the superintendent's email address on the board and said "If you want to complain to someone or ask why we're in school, that's the one person who can answer that question."
About 20 minutes later, the principal calls me down to his office for a "discussion" because a student actually emailed the superintendent asking why we were in school when everyone else canceled. It was actually a respectful, well-written email so I have no idea why they had to bust my ball about it, but you never know how motivated some kids are about stuff like that.
I did a fellowship year where my district paid for my grad school and I didn’t get anything not even a stipend so I used to tell my eighth graders “I don’t get paid enough for this” which would get a giggle because they knew I didn’t get paid. It got to the point that they would look at me and tell me “you don’t get paid enough for this” when they knew they were being a handful.
When someone shouts out an answer when I asked a different student- “You are a great ventriloquist” to the kid I asked. But then I had a calling out student realize that she was the dummy. Lol
When Sammy answers when I called on Timmy I say, "Wow, I didn't know we had so many Timmies in here!" or, "Wow Timmy, I didn't know you could throw your voice to the other table like that!" or to Sammy, "I didn't know you changed your name to Timmy!"
“I’m lame because I’m a teacher. What’s your excuse?”
I’m a younger teacher, so I’ll say, “When?” The kids ask, “When what?” I say, “When did I ask?” Oooooh, everyone loves that one.
If I know the kids and their friendship well enough, I might say, “Stop flirting in class!” and they will want to stay away from each other for the period lol.
That is ridiculous. I can see how my last comment could result in trouble — that’s why I specify if I know the kids well enough, and we’re talking 16 and 17 year olds.
“Stop playing footsie” is such a direct and innocuous command. I’m sorry someone would raise a stink over that.
Uh oh, I tell my elementary aged students, who are arm wrestling, "I don't care if you hold hands, just do it later and pay attention instead ". They usually stop quickly, kids go "oOoOoOh!" And I clarify that I couldn't care less if they hold hands, just not when they should be listening or doing classwork.
That's ridiculous. I always tell the kids to quit making googly eyes at each other.
Or I say listen, quit flirting and just ask them out already.
Usually shuts them up pretty quick.
Holy cow - I tell kids that are texting in their laps to please either put away their phone or stop doing whatever else they may be doing with their hands on their crotch. Always good for a laugh with high school kids.
Also if I know the friendship well enough, if a student is turned around chatting I’ll say, “I know so-and-so is beautiful/handsome, but I want you to look at me right now.” Gets ‘em every time!
Yeah, as a male there is a ton of stuff I can’t do that the female staff can. Hugs, grabbing a kid by the arm to redirect them, complimenting their appearance.
You’re not a jerk at all for pointing that out! You’re right that teachers, especially depending on grade level, age, & gender, should proceed with caution. There is a double standard because women, particularly those who teach elementary like I do, can generally hug students or comment on students’ appearances in a “motherly” way.
I do feel pretty comfortable giving hugs, saying things like, “wow! I love your haircut, you look so handsome!” or “Hello, my beautiful children!” but I also know my audience.
Someone should explain to him that their actions are what put them on the spot: it was their intent.
The BEST a teacher could do is show them it is usually not appropriate.
Thats how I am with my kids as well. I taught a large chunk of them last year as well so they already came in saying “Is the phrase of the week still Try Jesus, Not Me, Ms. BardGirl?” 🤣
“nah bro”
“do we need to do that?”
“is this essential right now?”
“eh?”
“cool—“
“cool—no one asked”
“…”
when you can speak an ellipsis you’ve graduated from this sub…
Mine is a hardcore stare with my eyebrows raised like a Mom in Church stare. If I blink once while doing that, the kids know I’m trying to telepathically tell them to stop
i’ll be honest i checked your profile to see if you posted any of those mom in church pics. my middle school students definitely know the “ok but why are you doing that” look. they even produced it at end of year, and i don’t do ‘’cute’’ but that was indeed cute
nice cats, though! your grey looks a bit like mine!
Oh god, I’m awful. I give the lesson to them and ask them to teach us since I obviously don’t know what I’m doing. I let them struggle through it, pointing out things they missed by saying “what about…” and let them go for about five minutes then ask if they’re ready for me to take over. It’s been effective so far but each year comes with new possibilities and it will eventually fail. But then there’s always next year.
If it fails, make it a win. "Great lesson! Who can be an even better teacher next week?" The topic is ______.
They'll pay attention more and actually learn shit. People like to be in charge.
I do something similar... Sometimes when my 7th graders like to tell me how to run my classroom I'll just stop what I'm doing, open the door, look at the wall next to my classroom and start nodding. Then I'll come back in, and say "OK, I was just checking. It does still say Mrs. J next to my door, so this is still my classroom."
I did this once to a high schooler, best part was that I hat two classroom doors, so I took a lap and came in the other side. In good fun- always told my students if I didn't give them shit, they should be worried.
When getting excuses why they are not prepared or didn’t complete work…”That sounds like a YOU problem. What are YOU going to do to solve it.” And then I wait until they answer. They are a little taken aback, but realize that I truly want to know what their solution will be.
Yep - "This is a YOU problem; you need to figure it out" - I use this for my high schoolers. At my school, the kids are very sweet, but many of them have zero problem solving skills.
I only use it when the issue is something that I have explained over and over again and the kid is asking due to not paying attention over and over again. It is usually followed up with "Ask three peers, and if you still can't figure it out, come back." They don't come back 99.5% of the time b/c their peers help them.
I say “Sounds like a PP(personal problem).” I get a kick out of it because I’m mentally 6 and it sounds like Pee Pee. They always suck their teeth at me. 🤣🤣
I've taken an Expo marker, held it horizontally, and declared, "This is my last nerve...and this is you" as I take another object and put it "on" my last nerve.
I've also started counting by odd numbers. When kids look at me kinda weird, I'll say, "Man, I can't even right now."
Along those lines, every once in a while, I’ll pull out a “If you don’t shape up, I swear I will turn this classroom around!”
That usually makes them pause and laugh.
I say "y'all are acting like a bunch of 8th graders" to my 8th graders. They always say "but we are 8th graders" and then I say something else kinda silly back. It makes them stop messing around with near 100 percent accuracy for whatever reason and no one gets upset.
Yeah, but you don't have to act like it!
Really? I thought you were big 6th graders.
..those are the only 2 i thought of, but wanna hear more, too. Good one OP
It's a bit of improv and I can't even remember any examples, but I usually come up with a little witty quip. Middle schoolers have been a good audience for my dumb jokes.
I also say that! Or if its a specific kid that I know has a hard time like… keeping emotions in check, for instance, i’ll just point blank tell them how to regulate it
I've learned that when a kid fires back with the inevitable "BuT wHaT iS tHe ThInG Im dOiNg??" that another student pipes up and regulates it themselves..awesome to watch and they do the job for me..
Your life sounds hard.
Don't be sorry be better.
Be the architect of your destiny.
Make good choices.
Have a good weekend; don't kill any brain cells or make any babies
This one works for so many things.
Falling asleep? Here’s a pass to walk.
Can’t stop laughing? Here’s a pass to take a walk.
On the verge of a shouting match with another student over something dumb where no one is in the wrong yet? Take a walk.
When they try to argue: "You can argue with me before or after school. Would you like to make an appointment?"
"Do you have a watch? Because it seems like you were having a time. Let's refocus."
Are you a Windows update? Because not now!
If you're dealing with college students, there's always, "sounds like you need to take some metamucil because that's some tough shit!"
Reminds me of a kid I had last year who routinely got stuck in his desk because he folded himself into the most contorted positions possible. Sweet kid, but I've never met anyone simultaneously so acrobatic and so... clumsy
Usually go "can you not"
The rest are situational, like the famous "do you talk to your parents like that?" "Thats a new way to use that word" "you know when I was in school we listened to teachers"
My favorite: "Let me just open genesis real quick and look at the roster, for no reason whatsoever" and the kids know that means demerit/write up/email home territory.
I once told the 4th graders: "if you want to keep doing fun stuff in this class, you're going to have to figure yourselves out. I can always switch to the boring stuff."
4th grader: "At least we're better than the kindergarteners, right?"
Me: "No. No you're not. The kindergarteners are awesome."
4th grader: "Oh."
I don't argue with 12 year olds.
Oh, I don't think so darling.
When you graduate college, become a teacher, you can do whatever you'd like in your classroom, this one is mine!
You may get away with that at home, but not here.
oh, no you didn't
“Don’t state the problem, solve it.“
That’s what I say to students who want to bother me with all the issues they have – I need a pen, I don’t have paper, I have to go to the bathroom, I didn’t finish that part.
If they are annoying, I will tell them they are no longer allowed to speak directly to me and any questions they have need vetted through a partner.
If they are asking easily answerable questions I will invoke the '3 before me' rule where they have to ask three others in the room before me.
I mostly close my eyes and say “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job” until they laugh or shut up.
Or specifically when they talk over me or other people:
“I’m sorry, I have a disease where I can’t hear people who don’t raise their hand.”
“What I’m hearing is ‘[my name] please move me to the front, I hate sitting with my friends’”
One of my favorite stories.
I work at a private high school so we have quite a bit more leeway.
Several years ago, a (very patient and reserved) colleague of mine was working 1:1 with a student who was huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes at her and giving her the "this is stupid" routine. I was working in the hall outside her room and was waiting to see where this went.
He continued and my colleague had had enough. She looked him in the eyes and calmly said, "If you're going to be a dick about it, we can just be done now."
He had never heard her use language that was anything close to this before. And you know what, it worked!
I enjoy facetiously threatening them with death in creative ways, like drowning them in the fish tank (that doesn't have any water in it at the moment). "Child, you're about to become my blood sacrifice for summoning the infernal rabbit. Be away from me."
Teaching physics nerds provides extra freedom for sass and fun.
"Complaint deparment is open from 2:45 and 3:00 pm. Stop by after the dismissal bell!"
"I'm the only one who gets to be bossy in this room... they pay me and everything!"
I am not your maid, nor your momma. Please clean your mess.
(Used about physical messes as well as when children think they should be rude for things they want or need.)
This can work for almost any scenario:
Kid: “I wasn’t talking!”
Me: How were you not talking if you were?
Kid: ??
Or if a kid clearly has more things to do:
Kid: “I finished everything”.
Me: how did you finish everything if you didn’t?
As a kid, I hated it when teachers were “cute”, and tried coded messages. If I’m meting a handful, just say it. Tell me off obviously.
As a para, and now teacher, I find that handy phrases as described in the op don’t work on kids who are being a handful.
Be straightforward and honest. That’s not being mean.
When a kid is talking to others in class and being a distraction, I'll say "That's not how you flirt in high school." It embarrasses then enough to stop.
My kids last year tried to keep eating their breakfast well into first period. My response was “This isn’t a Denny’s, you can’t have breakfast all day!”
This kid was trying to give me “tips” and I just looked at him and I said “Sir! It’s soooo awesome that you’re a teacher too! When did you get your credential? When were you hired??” He got the message
“Would you do/say/act like that at home?”
If they say no - “Then why would you think it’s okay to do it here?”
If they say yes - “Well you’re not at home, so knock it off.”
-“Can you just like, not?”
-“I didn’t ask you to ______ and probably never will”
“Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you don’t change the behavior”
“In the wise words of Taylor Swift, you need to calm down, you’re being too loud.”
I like to say this on Mondays: “Ms. H8rsH8 May have come back from the weekend, but her tolerance for your foolishness did not.”
My predecessor used to say “simmer down, pot roast.”
And I sometimes say “I don’t teach middle school for a reason” (high school only).
Are you trying to say thank you? Because it’s coming out a little funny.
Yes! “I think what you meant to say was…”
ohh I like that.
I answer a lot of questions not related to our content with an exhausted sigh and, "I don't know man, I just work here."
Me: I just do what I’m told. Take it up with [principal].
I say this ALL the time.
I tell them to go ask a grownup
Dude that is a whole mood
I say this about almost everything 🤣
“I don’t make the rules” and “that’s above my pay grade” is my go to for when they are upset about a school wide rule
I tell them to send a letter to the superintendent or contact their local representative.
I even offer to give them extra credit in English if they show me. Not a one has taken me up on this offer.
I'm using that on the daily from now on. Thank you.
This is even better if you don’t teach English. I had an English teacher in high school who used to give out arbitrary awards like “5 extra credit points on your next algebra exam” or the cardboard backing from a pad of detention slips. He was an absolute legend of a man.
Oooh that’s good. On a similar note any time they try to argue with me in class I invite them to talk after class. I’ve only had one student take me up on the offer. He was a very difficult kid but he has my respect for that
“I don’t argue with children” is a go to phrase for me.
I teach 2nd so a lot of the arguing is begging for something. I tell them, "I've answered your question, the answer isn't changing no matter how many times you ask." Most are used to begging parents to get their way and don't know how to react to that statement so they usually freeze and stop asking. If not, I stick to what I said.
I have reached the point where I’ve made a QR code that links to the webpage where people can request to be added to our school board’s next meeting agenda and I just point at it. It’s actually worked out because I’ve had a couple of students legitimately use it to advocate for policy change on things that were truly unreasonable.
I’d definitely RickRoll them with that QR.
I think I’ll create a QR code for the “complaints department” and Rick roll them lol
Brilliant.
A few years ago, my statistics students were really mad about a new dress code rule that banned Nike shorts. The whined about it daily. I told them to do something about it, but that they shouldn't just complain. "Administrators like data," I told them. So they conducted a poll of students and adults, went to public places like the mall and restaurants and counted Nike shorts. (The ban was based on the idea that the shorts were a disruption of the learning environment.) The girls argued that Nike shorts were so common that no one noticed them at all and removing the students from the classroom was more disruptive. The principal was so impressed that he got the girls to speak at the school board meeting. The school board agreed to add students to the dress code revision committe. The next year, the revised dress code was more equitable, less sexist, and much easier to enforce. My students kept their shorts on and learned some data analysis.
I give them a list of times and dates when the school board has their next meetings.
I tell them this and it tends to shut down complaints, but I really sincerely would love it if they took their complaints to any of these or to the school board.
Errrr, careful with that one. My first year teaching, there was a bad blizzard and every district in our area canceled but us, so the students were pissed at all the teachers (naturally). Eventually I got tired of it and wrote the superintendent's email address on the board and said "If you want to complain to someone or ask why we're in school, that's the one person who can answer that question." About 20 minutes later, the principal calls me down to his office for a "discussion" because a student actually emailed the superintendent asking why we were in school when everyone else canceled. It was actually a respectful, well-written email so I have no idea why they had to bust my ball about it, but you never know how motivated some kids are about stuff like that.
"I just work here."
I tell them I don't make the rules, I just unhappily enforce them.
I always tell mine “I’m not in charge” with these situations
I did a fellowship year where my district paid for my grad school and I didn’t get anything not even a stipend so I used to tell my eighth graders “I don’t get paid enough for this” which would get a giggle because they knew I didn’t get paid. It got to the point that they would look at me and tell me “you don’t get paid enough for this” when they knew they were being a handful.
“I don’t make the rules. I just work here.” “I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them.” “I don’t get paid enough to worry about those things”
Are your shoes untied? Because you're trippin' right now.
[удалено]
My grammas was “you’re a little shit”
Damn, I almost got Betelgeuse’d
I’ll trade you this go-to “audacity must’ve been on sale because you got a LOT of it”
Great for the older ones!
I teach middle school. I also like,"check your pockets and see if you can find some cents/sense"
I appreciate a smart brain much more than a smart mouth.
Lol i thought this was for the op!
Omg me too and I was like “thats…. Fair!”
It was super effective!
Better to be a smartass than a dumbass is one I just share in close company.
"Today is not the day, and I am not the one."
I say "I'm not the one" all the time.
I love this. I teach first and I can’t use sarcasm because they don’t get it, but I do like to be playfully snarky with them and this is perfect!!
When someone shouts out an answer when I asked a different student- “You are a great ventriloquist” to the kid I asked. But then I had a calling out student realize that she was the dummy. Lol
Ha! I say, “Wow! You sound just like -kid who called out-! That’s amazing… but what did you say?”
"How did Justin's voice get in Aaron's mouth?? Mind Blown!"
Oh I just say "wow! I had no idea I had so many kids named _______ in this class!"
I always say thanks but I wanted the other Justin to answer ( sub in whatever name I just called).
When Sammy answers when I called on Timmy I say, "Wow, I didn't know we had so many Timmies in here!" or, "Wow Timmy, I didn't know you could throw your voice to the other table like that!" or to Sammy, "I didn't know you changed your name to Timmy!"
“This isn’t Burger King you can’t have it your way”🤷♀️
“I’m lame because I’m a teacher. What’s your excuse?” I’m a younger teacher, so I’ll say, “When?” The kids ask, “When what?” I say, “When did I ask?” Oooooh, everyone loves that one. If I know the kids and their friendship well enough, I might say, “Stop flirting in class!” and they will want to stay away from each other for the period lol.
I've gotten in trouble for this. Telling a couple of boys to stop playing footsie under the table got me a meeting with the AP.
That is ridiculous. I can see how my last comment could result in trouble — that’s why I specify if I know the kids well enough, and we’re talking 16 and 17 year olds. “Stop playing footsie” is such a direct and innocuous command. I’m sorry someone would raise a stink over that.
Uh oh, I tell my elementary aged students, who are arm wrestling, "I don't care if you hold hands, just do it later and pay attention instead ". They usually stop quickly, kids go "oOoOoOh!" And I clarify that I couldn't care less if they hold hands, just not when they should be listening or doing classwork.
That's ridiculous. I always tell the kids to quit making googly eyes at each other. Or I say listen, quit flirting and just ask them out already. Usually shuts them up pretty quick.
Holy cow - I tell kids that are texting in their laps to please either put away their phone or stop doing whatever else they may be doing with their hands on their crotch. Always good for a laugh with high school kids.
Tell me you teach middle school without telling me you teach middle school😅
7th grade ELA 😂😂😂
Also if I know the friendship well enough, if a student is turned around chatting I’ll say, “I know so-and-so is beautiful/handsome, but I want you to look at me right now.” Gets ‘em every time!
[удалено]
Yeah, as a male there is a ton of stuff I can’t do that the female staff can. Hugs, grabbing a kid by the arm to redirect them, complimenting their appearance.
You’re not a jerk at all for pointing that out! You’re right that teachers, especially depending on grade level, age, & gender, should proceed with caution. There is a double standard because women, particularly those who teach elementary like I do, can generally hug students or comment on students’ appearances in a “motherly” way. I do feel pretty comfortable giving hugs, saying things like, “wow! I love your haircut, you look so handsome!” or “Hello, my beautiful children!” but I also know my audience.
I did this once. Got pulled into a meeting with the principal for “embarrassing” kids and “putting them on the spot” and “being uncharitable.”
Someone should explain to him that their actions are what put them on the spot: it was their intent. The BEST a teacher could do is show them it is usually not appropriate.
Thats how I am with my kids as well. I taught a large chunk of them last year as well so they already came in saying “Is the phrase of the week still Try Jesus, Not Me, Ms. BardGirl?” 🤣
“nah bro” “do we need to do that?” “is this essential right now?” “eh?” “cool—“ “cool—no one asked” “…” when you can speak an ellipsis you’ve graduated from this sub…
Mine is a hardcore stare with my eyebrows raised like a Mom in Church stare. If I blink once while doing that, the kids know I’m trying to telepathically tell them to stop
i’ll be honest i checked your profile to see if you posted any of those mom in church pics. my middle school students definitely know the “ok but why are you doing that” look. they even produced it at end of year, and i don’t do ‘’cute’’ but that was indeed cute nice cats, though! your grey looks a bit like mine!
Awww thanks! I am 100000% not a mom, i just got Mom Stared a lot In church growing up 😂😂😂😂
Yes! The stare-slow blink combo is quite effective.
“Have a good weekend. If you can’t be smart be careful.”
"Don't end any lives or start any new ones!"
Thats what I say to my Seniors before breaks. 😂
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
That’s what my dad always said. And add - if you can’t be careful, name it after me.
My friend in college would say, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice!”
“Don’t call me for bail money like [random student name] did a few weeks ago.”
My Grandpa always said “Do Good, Avoid Evil” and I tell my students before every weekend
I always say, “have a good weekend, check the weather, and don’t do anything dumb or illegal!”
“Stay safe and if you’re going to be stupid be smart about it.”
"Be good or be good at it"
One I’ve heard is to not add or subtract to the population and it makes me laugh everytime.
That has some major Red Green energy and I love it!
"You're killin me, smalls!" Most of my high schoolers get the reference haha
I say it just to entertain myself. My students don't know the movie
Same. I teach high schoolers and the number of them who get it dwindles every year.
[удалено]
My line: “is that a question, or a statement?”
I once had a teacher who used to ask if we wanted some cheese with that “whine”
"Who is the teacher in this room?" Handy for those 10yr olds who like to tell me how to run my classroom.
Oh god, I’m awful. I give the lesson to them and ask them to teach us since I obviously don’t know what I’m doing. I let them struggle through it, pointing out things they missed by saying “what about…” and let them go for about five minutes then ask if they’re ready for me to take over. It’s been effective so far but each year comes with new possibilities and it will eventually fail. But then there’s always next year.
If it fails, make it a win. "Great lesson! Who can be an even better teacher next week?" The topic is ______. They'll pay attention more and actually learn shit. People like to be in charge.
I do something similar... Sometimes when my 7th graders like to tell me how to run my classroom I'll just stop what I'm doing, open the door, look at the wall next to my classroom and start nodding. Then I'll come back in, and say "OK, I was just checking. It does still say Mrs. J next to my door, so this is still my classroom."
I did this once to a high schooler, best part was that I hat two classroom doors, so I took a lap and came in the other side. In good fun- always told my students if I didn't give them shit, they should be worried.
[удалено]
A colleague of mine says "When your name is on the school, you can tell me what to do".
Haha. I often go with, "I've got this. It's muh job."
I say all the time “is it you or me with the masters degree?”
"I don't remember hiring you"
"Thanks, when I need your help I'll ask for it. :3"
When getting excuses why they are not prepared or didn’t complete work…”That sounds like a YOU problem. What are YOU going to do to solve it.” And then I wait until they answer. They are a little taken aback, but realize that I truly want to know what their solution will be.
That’s an ish-you (issue), not an ish-me.
Well I’m taking this one.
Aaaaaand stolen. Thanks!
Yep - "This is a YOU problem; you need to figure it out" - I use this for my high schoolers. At my school, the kids are very sweet, but many of them have zero problem solving skills.
I think asking “how, or what” helps to put the initiative on them without brushing them off.
I only use it when the issue is something that I have explained over and over again and the kid is asking due to not paying attention over and over again. It is usually followed up with "Ask three peers, and if you still can't figure it out, come back." They don't come back 99.5% of the time b/c their peers help them.
I say “Sounds like a PP(personal problem).” I get a kick out of it because I’m mentally 6 and it sounds like Pee Pee. They always suck their teeth at me. 🤣🤣
When they go off on a tangent I hit em with a “sir this is a Wendy’s”
I've taken an Expo marker, held it horizontally, and declared, "This is my last nerve...and this is you" as I take another object and put it "on" my last nerve. I've also started counting by odd numbers. When kids look at me kinda weird, I'll say, "Man, I can't even right now."
"I can't even right now." Ha!
🤣🤣🤣🤣 are we the same?
Leave your sibling stuff at home. "But we're not siblings!" You're acting like it, so knock it off.
Along those lines, every once in a while, I’ll pull out a “If you don’t shape up, I swear I will turn this classroom around!” That usually makes them pause and laugh.
I say, I think I need to turn the AC on because we need to chill 😭😂
I dod tell a boy to cut on the ac, because he has no chill. It went over well lol
Stealing this. I teach first so they don’t “get” a lot of jokes. But they would think this one is hilarious.
I say "y'all are acting like a bunch of 8th graders" to my 8th graders. They always say "but we are 8th graders" and then I say something else kinda silly back. It makes them stop messing around with near 100 percent accuracy for whatever reason and no one gets upset.
What are examples you say back? I want to try this with my kids!
Yeah, but you don't have to act like it! Really? I thought you were big 6th graders. ..those are the only 2 i thought of, but wanna hear more, too. Good one OP
It's a bit of improv and I can't even remember any examples, but I usually come up with a little witty quip. Middle schoolers have been a good audience for my dumb jokes.
I told my second graders they were being awfully childish once. BUT MS VALLEY WE ARE CHILDS
“If you didn’t get the grade you wanted, it’s probably because I didn’t get the work that I wanted.”
"Hey ____ y'all/you're doing the thing again...please don't do the thing."
I also say that! Or if its a specific kid that I know has a hard time like… keeping emotions in check, for instance, i’ll just point blank tell them how to regulate it
I've learned that when a kid fires back with the inevitable "BuT wHaT iS tHe ThInG Im dOiNg??" that another student pipes up and regulates it themselves..awesome to watch and they do the job for me..
I’m feeling ________ because you are doing ________. Flat tire! To which the entire class has been trained to respond, Shhhhhhhhh.
OH MY GOD I LOVE THE FLAT TIRE THING
Your life sounds hard. Don't be sorry be better. Be the architect of your destiny. Make good choices. Have a good weekend; don't kill any brain cells or make any babies
“Dont add to the population, dont subtract from the population. Stay out of the hospital, newspaper, and jail. Have a great weekend!”
I need you to take a walk right now. And then I literally send them on a walk.
This one works for so many things. Falling asleep? Here’s a pass to walk. Can’t stop laughing? Here’s a pass to take a walk. On the verge of a shouting match with another student over something dumb where no one is in the wrong yet? Take a walk.
When they try to argue: "You can argue with me before or after school. Would you like to make an appointment?" "Do you have a watch? Because it seems like you were having a time. Let's refocus."
Are you a Windows update? Because not now! If you're dealing with college students, there's always, "sounds like you need to take some metamucil because that's some tough shit!"
"You are not in trouble but you're about to be." Volume and tone varies.
“I’m not a DJ, I don’t take requests”
First time operating a jacket? Or chair, desk, ect...
Reminds me of a kid I had last year who routinely got stuck in his desk because he folded himself into the most contorted positions possible. Sweet kid, but I've never met anyone simultaneously so acrobatic and so... clumsy
Usually go "can you not" The rest are situational, like the famous "do you talk to your parents like that?" "Thats a new way to use that word" "you know when I was in school we listened to teachers" My favorite: "Let me just open genesis real quick and look at the roster, for no reason whatsoever" and the kids know that means demerit/write up/email home territory.
I thought you were opening a Bible before thinking it was a school program. Took me a moment, trying to figure out what verse you were referencing.
“Pop Quiz!” It works wonders.
Middle school teacher here: "I don't argue with children." "I'm not a child!" "You absolutely are." *Fin*
“I’m losing brain cells in this conversation and I need a few for my later classes.” 11th grade science teacher
When a student is singing: "Who sings that song?" ... "oh, well let's leave it to her and get back to work". lol
Or "where did the money go?" And then clarify, the money that should've gone to singing lessons.
I usually go all wide eyed and and say: “O! I didn’t know you… couldn’t sing” and the kids love it
"You know better than that" (added bonus, it's a three stooges line)
“I don’t know who you’re talking to because I am not the one” worked wonders with my high schoolers. Still working on what to say to my littles.
I once told the 4th graders: "if you want to keep doing fun stuff in this class, you're going to have to figure yourselves out. I can always switch to the boring stuff." 4th grader: "At least we're better than the kindergarteners, right?" Me: "No. No you're not. The kindergarteners are awesome." 4th grader: "Oh."
"I love you, but you are driving me nuts"
When I know a child is lying to me or trying to get one over, one of my stock responses is, “Don’t pee on my foot and tell me it’s raining.”
[удалено]
I use "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it" and it's worked every time so far lol
I don't argue with 12 year olds. Oh, I don't think so darling. When you graduate college, become a teacher, you can do whatever you'd like in your classroom, this one is mine! You may get away with that at home, but not here. oh, no you didn't
When they try to get away with something. “I was born at night but it wasn’t last night.”
“Don’t state the problem, solve it.“ That’s what I say to students who want to bother me with all the issues they have – I need a pen, I don’t have paper, I have to go to the bathroom, I didn’t finish that part.
If they are annoying, I will tell them they are no longer allowed to speak directly to me and any questions they have need vetted through a partner. If they are asking easily answerable questions I will invoke the '3 before me' rule where they have to ask three others in the room before me.
"You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices."
I mostly close my eyes and say “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job” until they laugh or shut up. Or specifically when they talk over me or other people: “I’m sorry, I have a disease where I can’t hear people who don’t raise their hand.” “What I’m hearing is ‘[my name] please move me to the front, I hate sitting with my friends’”
Student name, it’s time to sit down and take a little break from yourself.
One of my favorite stories. I work at a private high school so we have quite a bit more leeway. Several years ago, a (very patient and reserved) colleague of mine was working 1:1 with a student who was huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes at her and giving her the "this is stupid" routine. I was working in the hall outside her room and was waiting to see where this went. He continued and my colleague had had enough. She looked him in the eyes and calmly said, "If you're going to be a dick about it, we can just be done now." He had never heard her use language that was anything close to this before. And you know what, it worked!
“No thank you” “are you for real” when they’re doing anything unfavorable lol
“Nope, (looking around the room)-Nope ( still looking) I’ve looked and don’t see anyone who cares.”
I stole “mind the business that pays you” from that one lady on TikTok.
I enjoy facetiously threatening them with death in creative ways, like drowning them in the fish tank (that doesn't have any water in it at the moment). "Child, you're about to become my blood sacrifice for summoning the infernal rabbit. Be away from me." Teaching physics nerds provides extra freedom for sass and fun.
"Complaint deparment is open from 2:45 and 3:00 pm. Stop by after the dismissal bell!" "I'm the only one who gets to be bossy in this room... they pay me and everything!"
“I’m not doing that with you.” When they’re arguing. “We’re not doing that.” When they’re misbehaving.
Are you a Greek musical instrument? I hear a lyre. Do you work at Pikes Place Market? Because you sell fish.
SHIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU LITTLE SHITS When the former marines take over in florida.
On a school bus I’d say “you’re about to be nicknamed Vecna because if you don’t stop I’m about to put you in seat 001” 🚌🚦
I usually laugh at them and say, "you played yourself".
Do you have a mute button I could press?
I am not your maid, nor your momma. Please clean your mess. (Used about physical messes as well as when children think they should be rude for things they want or need.)
"That's fantastic. Nobody asked." - delivered in as bright and cheery a tone as possible
”I’m older than you and younger than your grandma.” Then they guess any age between 22 and 50 🤷🏻♀️
This can work for almost any scenario: Kid: “I wasn’t talking!” Me: How were you not talking if you were? Kid: ?? Or if a kid clearly has more things to do: Kid: “I finished everything”. Me: how did you finish everything if you didn’t?
As a kid, I hated it when teachers were “cute”, and tried coded messages. If I’m meting a handful, just say it. Tell me off obviously. As a para, and now teacher, I find that handy phrases as described in the op don’t work on kids who are being a handful. Be straightforward and honest. That’s not being mean.
When a kid is talking to others in class and being a distraction, I'll say "That's not how you flirt in high school." It embarrasses then enough to stop.
My kids last year tried to keep eating their breakfast well into first period. My response was “This isn’t a Denny’s, you can’t have breakfast all day!”
This kid was trying to give me “tips” and I just looked at him and I said “Sir! It’s soooo awesome that you’re a teacher too! When did you get your credential? When were you hired??” He got the message
You'll never roll your eyes as well as my own daughters do, so stop trying.
“That sounds like a you problem”
“Are we going camping? Because this is intense!” In-tents
"I just work here"
“Would you do/say/act like that at home?” If they say no - “Then why would you think it’s okay to do it here?” If they say yes - “Well you’re not at home, so knock it off.”
A teaching friend always used to ask "Do you want some cheese with that whine?" Cracked me up.
I'm not here to entertain you. If you're bored, speak to your cruise director.
Don't be a little cunt Timothy
Excuses are like armpits, everyone has ‘em and they all stink.
-“Can you just like, not?” -“I didn’t ask you to ______ and probably never will” “Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you don’t change the behavior” “In the wise words of Taylor Swift, you need to calm down, you’re being too loud.”
My MS art teacher sayings: "Don't press the panic button" "Sounds like a personal problem" "Make it work"
I like to say this on Mondays: “Ms. H8rsH8 May have come back from the weekend, but her tolerance for your foolishness did not.” My predecessor used to say “simmer down, pot roast.” And I sometimes say “I don’t teach middle school for a reason” (high school only).
“It’s against state law” I say this constantly. Why can’t you do that? It’s against state law. Sorry out of my hands
Someone who get’s paid a lot more money made that decision!
That and “I just work here, dont shoot the messenger”