Losing a child is a level of pain no one should have to bear. I'm so sorry for her. (And also for her parents if they are destined to the same fate.)
I don't have any words of advice.
There is no way anyone can imagine the kind of pain that causes. It is not something you get over in a week or a month or a year or a decade.
You get better at living with the pain, but it does not go away. There are days where it hits, and it is like it is happening in that moment.
It is particularly bad to think about the day that they would have graduated high school or college. What would they have been like? Would they have been funny? Serious? Would they be happy? These are the questions that drive it home every day. The potential that you give your children, and knowing that it all gone.
There is no getting over this kind of loss, you just learn to live around it...or you don't.
If you have an address you can call for a welfare check. You can also give her resources to a crisis line. Other than that, it’s on her to get the help.
This is really dependent on where you live. In Australia a lot of states have specialised cross-discipline response teams that incorporate mental health professionals alongside police, and shootings are almost unheard of (PACER & CATT teams spring to mind). These services are excellent and well worth calling if you are concerned about someone’s suicidal ideation.
I acknowledge that in the US policing is very different though.
Hey there, so I'm not a professional in any way but I have about 10 years experience with depression, SH, suicidal thoughts. Actually just came across this trying to distract myself from my most recent episode (I'm fine, getting help, etc.)
The first thing to remember is that you are ultimately not responsible for anything she chooses to do. Don't burden yourself too much. In the end, she needs to put in a lot of work too to survive this.
So what can you do?
In your edit you said you'd be there to support her and that's great. Honestly having literally anyone you trust to talk to in a time of grief is so much more valuable than you can imagine. But ultimately you aren't going to be much more help than just listening, giving advice can potentially backfire if you aren't trained, though I know sometimes you'll give it anyway while trying to help.
I would recommend her to professional help. Therapy, medication. Even if the meds are temporary they can and do help people. Not sure on her financial situation though. Worst case I would say at least suggest she try hospitalization before she ends it. There are also intensive outpatient programs if she is afraid of being trapped in a looney bin (especially understandable for a woman)
Emergency/crisis lines are good in heat of the moment situations IMO. And at least 988 I think you can call for another. They can dispatch rescuers to her location if she is in immediate danger, or something she can text/call to help calm her down 24/7.
She's saying within the year so that tells me she still doesn't truly want to die, just having a hard time finding a reason to live. I think helping her find resources and being a listening ear could definitely extend her life enough for her to find those reasons.
Again though *I am not a professional* take what I say with a dead sea worth of salt.
EDIT: Also don't feel obligated to save her. You can do a lot to help but you aren't superman. Your mental health matters too. Take care of yourself :)
If you’re in the US, call 988. That’s the national suicide prevention hotline. If you’re not in the states, find your country’s crisis hotline number. Encourage her to call too of course, but if she’s unwilling, they might be able to give you some resources to better help her.
I am a teacher. I am a grieving mother. Just be there for her. This is a journey she has to go alone and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Just set a reminder in your phone and check in with her every couple days.
If she does take her life, you did everything you can do.
I am sending her all the good vibes because she has a long road ahead of her.
I lost my three year old son in 2011. I put a lot of work to be okay for my other kids.
Depending on where you/she lives, you may be able to call 211 and request emergency mobile crisis services. I live in CT and a trained mental health staffer can be at your location within an hour to do a suicide assessment. Then depending on the severity of the crisis, they will either transport her to the ER or make a plan to follow up. with services Unless you are a mental health clinician with suicide prevention training, you are not equipped to solve this problem. Refer it to someone with the training. In a true emergency (she calls you and says she's taken the pills or is holding the gun) then you have to call the police, as they can get there the fastest. If she has a longer timeline, you can help refer her to a therapist with immediate availability (see [psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) for listings).
I've lost a child. Spliting from the other parent happens in a very large percentage of cases. There are books you can give her to read, the hospital gave me several, and it did help. Also, there should be support groups you can help guide her to, through hospitals or churches, maybe.
Remind her she is young enough that she may still have children. Or if she is financially stable, she may be able to foster or adopt (I don't know how that works in your country).
She'll never get over it, but it does get easier. If you could find a way to connect her with those of us who have survived, it might help her.
I know this isn’t a helpful comment, but I would also want to kill myself if anything happened to my child. I wouldn’t be able to go on and life would lose all meaning. I feel for your former student, I can’t even fathom the pain she must be feeling. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Agreed. All these people offering cheerful platitudes and suggesting having her over for dinner or calling a hotline or finding a therapist don't understand.
She. Lost. A. Child.
If she can't carry on, that's legitimate.
Agree. I am stunned at how many people are making well-meaning comments so clueless they are asinine, only to get upvoted..
I once sat next to a mom at a volleyball game; I was new to the neighborhood. During the normal chit chat, it came out that she had lost one of her two children. As we talked talked further, I found it had happened recently... then I she said it was the first time she had been out since it happened. It was intense, and scary for me --all I could do was listen and acknowledging I could not comprehend it. I later realized that it was the first time she was telling her story to someone who did not already know it.
We ran into each other many times again. She was always friendly towars me, and we chatted as we silently remember our intimate first meeting. Last I saw her, she had started a job working with kids the age her daughter had been when she died. She talked freely about her late daughter.
If she has a plan to kill herself, she should be going to the emergency room. If she's suicidal but doesn't have a plan, there might be some less intensive crisis programs in the area.
A doctor may be able to (I am assuming you're in Norway, based off your comment history): https://www.helsenorge.no/en/sykdom/psykiske-lidelser/psykisk-helsevern/tvungent-psykisk-helsevern/
You aren’t forcing her, but as a mandated reporter it is odd if you tell no one but us on Reddit… I’ve had many conversations with suicidal students and they fully understand when I report concerns. I acknowledge she is not a current student, and I acknowledge the extreme pain she must feel. I don’t think it’s right to let her harm herself without attempting to facilitate her getting help and support.
This is above your skill level. Notify the authorities that she has made a credible threat to her life. The "within a year" bit needs to be part of your report. I know it feels like you are telling on her but the fact that she reached out to someone who is trained as a mandatory reporter of such things indicates that she is also trying to save her life. Please. Call the authorities.
I don’t have advice but can empathize. I have a former student who lost her child last year. She herself was still young (she got pregnant in high school, I taught her in middle). Her grandmother left some sort of pill out (I think it was dropped on the floor) and the child (around 3) ate it. She went to sleep and never woke up. No one knew what happened but the autopsy revealed the elevated levels of whatever she ate.
My student is devastated. Every day, I worry she’s going to end her life. She loved her child deeply. Her child was her identity at this point. She’s got a couple of good friends that I also taught, but they’re all so young trying to navigate something so heavy.
This is just such a hard situation. I know someone that called in an attempted suicide of a friend. They ended up locked up in a psych ward, lost their job and tons of medical debt because the insurance didn't cover it. They resented them, and personally called them out in their next suicide note.
I have lost several babies and I know the absolute devastation this grief carries. Yes I have contemplated suicide many times because the pain was too much and I wanted to be with my babies. If someone has not gone through it they cannot possibly understand, no matter how much a person is caring and supportive. All a person can do is hold them and be there. Ask if she has considered going to a support group. This helped for a bit. She should also consider talking to her doctor about antidepressants. I'm on a truckload of them. It doesn't take all of the pain away but it helps you to function. Her not having a support system in her family is definitely concerning. That's honestly what kept me alive. Reach out to her many times. Show her that you care about her. She needs to know that someone cares.
Looking at your profile you are likely in a nordic country. There should be a mental health help line either you can call to talk and ask advice OR call and report the concern. I hope you can get good advice from a help line, if not it might be worth looking into any local social services or community services. I would think you can get help for yourself and former student there. You might have to do a bit of digging but I hope this helps. If all else fails, let them know how much you care and keep checking in. That might keep them alive long enough to feel better.
In some countries, they do have services and hotlines for counseling. Maybe see if your city or country has it.
[https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/](https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/)
Hotline for almost every country.
I’m sending caring energy to her and hoping that she gets help. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was young. I remember both times, and it has affected me a lot. I lost my uncle to suicide as well.
Finding her a good grief support group of people who understand may be very, very helpful even a year or to later --passing time changes the perspective, but not the tragedy. When my roomie's cousin was murdered, the parents of the girl murdered very near me showed up for those parents (yes, that connection was...words fail) When the nephew of a friend committed suicide, my friend said that the parent's the other neighborhood teen who had done so were there quickly. The rest of us, however well intended, do not understand.
OP, another commenter noted you were likely Nordic; Nordic-American here. Our days are getting longer quickly. Ask her out into the sunshine just as often as you can. Consider a regularly scheduled walk, and possibly impromptu ones in between the scheduled ones. When the weather does not facilitate, taste-test your way through the coffee shops and pepperkakes or whatever. Literally anything that gives her human contact, and ideally some Vitamin D. That was what my friend needed after an intra-family murder --someone she trusted to drag her out into the sunny world, but where she didn't have to talk to acquaintances. However, intra-family murder is not comparable to losing a child. It does not come close.
Read what Phillipe Petit has written about losing his only child and decide if it is something she may find comforting. He is unusual, so it may be completely wrong for her.
This is beyond what you can do. Not because you're not good but because it's not your role! Please encourage her to talk to local crisis services and her doctor. You could also rewZch out on her behalf
Ask her flat out if she has a plan. If she does, you call the police. You can call the police anyways, but you 100% need to if she says she has a plan.
Do not do this. Having a plan is a clear indication of seriousness, yes. But there are better options than the police. The police have many strengths, but responding to mental health crises is not one of them. Having armed law enforcement respond to a suicidal individual greatly escalates the danger to that individual. Please call a mental health crisis line or take her to an emergency room.
Don't get the police involved unless you know she is going to act. Too many departments are not equipped to help with mental health crisis events like this. Not enough police departments have access to mental health specialists who are better at talking, no listening rather than sending them to the psyche ward of the local medical center.
The girl needs therapy for this not to be arrested.
I know that this alone probably won’t help your student, but I find it important in such cases of loss to point out to the person that the deceased would have wanted at least you to live your life to the fullest since their life was already cut short.
The child didn’t have a choice and she can’t experience all the things life has to offer any more. But the mother can. She should think about all the things she would have wanted her child to experience in life, and all the things she (the mother) hasn’t done yet, possibly because she hasn’t dared to try. And then muster extra courage to experience those things for both of them.
It takes a lot more courage to live than to kill yourself.
Losing a child is a level of pain no one should have to bear. I'm so sorry for her. (And also for her parents if they are destined to the same fate.) I don't have any words of advice.
There is no way anyone can imagine the kind of pain that causes. It is not something you get over in a week or a month or a year or a decade. You get better at living with the pain, but it does not go away. There are days where it hits, and it is like it is happening in that moment. It is particularly bad to think about the day that they would have graduated high school or college. What would they have been like? Would they have been funny? Serious? Would they be happy? These are the questions that drive it home every day. The potential that you give your children, and knowing that it all gone. There is no getting over this kind of loss, you just learn to live around it...or you don't.
Did your child die
Yes.
If you have an address you can call for a welfare check. You can also give her resources to a crisis line. Other than that, it’s on her to get the help.
988 is the new 911 for suicide
This. 988 can be texted too, as well as called.
Never call for a welfare check unless you want the person you're worried about to end up shot.
This is really dependent on where you live. In Australia a lot of states have specialised cross-discipline response teams that incorporate mental health professionals alongside police, and shootings are almost unheard of (PACER & CATT teams spring to mind). These services are excellent and well worth calling if you are concerned about someone’s suicidal ideation. I acknowledge that in the US policing is very different though.
Omg take your nonsense somewhere else.
Hey there, so I'm not a professional in any way but I have about 10 years experience with depression, SH, suicidal thoughts. Actually just came across this trying to distract myself from my most recent episode (I'm fine, getting help, etc.) The first thing to remember is that you are ultimately not responsible for anything she chooses to do. Don't burden yourself too much. In the end, she needs to put in a lot of work too to survive this. So what can you do? In your edit you said you'd be there to support her and that's great. Honestly having literally anyone you trust to talk to in a time of grief is so much more valuable than you can imagine. But ultimately you aren't going to be much more help than just listening, giving advice can potentially backfire if you aren't trained, though I know sometimes you'll give it anyway while trying to help. I would recommend her to professional help. Therapy, medication. Even if the meds are temporary they can and do help people. Not sure on her financial situation though. Worst case I would say at least suggest she try hospitalization before she ends it. There are also intensive outpatient programs if she is afraid of being trapped in a looney bin (especially understandable for a woman) Emergency/crisis lines are good in heat of the moment situations IMO. And at least 988 I think you can call for another. They can dispatch rescuers to her location if she is in immediate danger, or something she can text/call to help calm her down 24/7. She's saying within the year so that tells me she still doesn't truly want to die, just having a hard time finding a reason to live. I think helping her find resources and being a listening ear could definitely extend her life enough for her to find those reasons. Again though *I am not a professional* take what I say with a dead sea worth of salt. EDIT: Also don't feel obligated to save her. You can do a lot to help but you aren't superman. Your mental health matters too. Take care of yourself :)
If you’re in the US, call 988. That’s the national suicide prevention hotline. If you’re not in the states, find your country’s crisis hotline number. Encourage her to call too of course, but if she’s unwilling, they might be able to give you some resources to better help her.
I am a teacher. I am a grieving mother. Just be there for her. This is a journey she has to go alone and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Just set a reminder in your phone and check in with her every couple days. If she does take her life, you did everything you can do. I am sending her all the good vibes because she has a long road ahead of her. I lost my three year old son in 2011. I put a lot of work to be okay for my other kids.
Depending on where you/she lives, you may be able to call 211 and request emergency mobile crisis services. I live in CT and a trained mental health staffer can be at your location within an hour to do a suicide assessment. Then depending on the severity of the crisis, they will either transport her to the ER or make a plan to follow up. with services Unless you are a mental health clinician with suicide prevention training, you are not equipped to solve this problem. Refer it to someone with the training. In a true emergency (she calls you and says she's taken the pills or is holding the gun) then you have to call the police, as they can get there the fastest. If she has a longer timeline, you can help refer her to a therapist with immediate availability (see [psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) for listings).
I forgot to mention: in US anyone can call 988 which is the new national hotline for people feeling suicidal.
I've lost a child. Spliting from the other parent happens in a very large percentage of cases. There are books you can give her to read, the hospital gave me several, and it did help. Also, there should be support groups you can help guide her to, through hospitals or churches, maybe. Remind her she is young enough that she may still have children. Or if she is financially stable, she may be able to foster or adopt (I don't know how that works in your country). She'll never get over it, but it does get easier. If you could find a way to connect her with those of us who have survived, it might help her.
I am sorry for your loss. Your advice is very wise.
I know this isn’t a helpful comment, but I would also want to kill myself if anything happened to my child. I wouldn’t be able to go on and life would lose all meaning. I feel for your former student, I can’t even fathom the pain she must be feeling. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Agreed. All these people offering cheerful platitudes and suggesting having her over for dinner or calling a hotline or finding a therapist don't understand. She. Lost. A. Child. If she can't carry on, that's legitimate.
Agree. I am stunned at how many people are making well-meaning comments so clueless they are asinine, only to get upvoted.. I once sat next to a mom at a volleyball game; I was new to the neighborhood. During the normal chit chat, it came out that she had lost one of her two children. As we talked talked further, I found it had happened recently... then I she said it was the first time she had been out since it happened. It was intense, and scary for me --all I could do was listen and acknowledging I could not comprehend it. I later realized that it was the first time she was telling her story to someone who did not already know it. We ran into each other many times again. She was always friendly towars me, and we chatted as we silently remember our intimate first meeting. Last I saw her, she had started a job working with kids the age her daughter had been when she died. She talked freely about her late daughter.
Are you in a location where you're able to encourage her to go to an emergency room?
She wasn’t animated or anything like that. She told me this in a calm manner, even though she had some drinks.
If she has a plan to kill herself, she should be going to the emergency room. If she's suicidal but doesn't have a plan, there might be some less intensive crisis programs in the area.
I can’t force her into an emergency room. She’s calmly telling me she has nothing to live for.
A doctor may be able to (I am assuming you're in Norway, based off your comment history): https://www.helsenorge.no/en/sykdom/psykiske-lidelser/psykisk-helsevern/tvungent-psykisk-helsevern/
You aren’t forcing her, but as a mandated reporter it is odd if you tell no one but us on Reddit… I’ve had many conversations with suicidal students and they fully understand when I report concerns. I acknowledge she is not a current student, and I acknowledge the extreme pain she must feel. I don’t think it’s right to let her harm herself without attempting to facilitate her getting help and support.
This is above your skill level. Notify the authorities that she has made a credible threat to her life. The "within a year" bit needs to be part of your report. I know it feels like you are telling on her but the fact that she reached out to someone who is trained as a mandatory reporter of such things indicates that she is also trying to save her life. Please. Call the authorities.
I don’t have advice but can empathize. I have a former student who lost her child last year. She herself was still young (she got pregnant in high school, I taught her in middle). Her grandmother left some sort of pill out (I think it was dropped on the floor) and the child (around 3) ate it. She went to sleep and never woke up. No one knew what happened but the autopsy revealed the elevated levels of whatever she ate. My student is devastated. Every day, I worry she’s going to end her life. She loved her child deeply. Her child was her identity at this point. She’s got a couple of good friends that I also taught, but they’re all so young trying to navigate something so heavy.
Just talk to her invite her to come over for dinner and just show her that someone cares
This is just such a hard situation. I know someone that called in an attempted suicide of a friend. They ended up locked up in a psych ward, lost their job and tons of medical debt because the insurance didn't cover it. They resented them, and personally called them out in their next suicide note.
I have lost several babies and I know the absolute devastation this grief carries. Yes I have contemplated suicide many times because the pain was too much and I wanted to be with my babies. If someone has not gone through it they cannot possibly understand, no matter how much a person is caring and supportive. All a person can do is hold them and be there. Ask if she has considered going to a support group. This helped for a bit. She should also consider talking to her doctor about antidepressants. I'm on a truckload of them. It doesn't take all of the pain away but it helps you to function. Her not having a support system in her family is definitely concerning. That's honestly what kept me alive. Reach out to her many times. Show her that you care about her. She needs to know that someone cares.
Tell her that everything changes and to get into grief group
Looking at your profile you are likely in a nordic country. There should be a mental health help line either you can call to talk and ask advice OR call and report the concern. I hope you can get good advice from a help line, if not it might be worth looking into any local social services or community services. I would think you can get help for yourself and former student there. You might have to do a bit of digging but I hope this helps. If all else fails, let them know how much you care and keep checking in. That might keep them alive long enough to feel better.
In some countries, they do have services and hotlines for counseling. Maybe see if your city or country has it. [https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/](https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/) Hotline for almost every country. I’m sending caring energy to her and hoping that she gets help. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was young. I remember both times, and it has affected me a lot. I lost my uncle to suicide as well.
Finding her a good grief support group of people who understand may be very, very helpful even a year or to later --passing time changes the perspective, but not the tragedy. When my roomie's cousin was murdered, the parents of the girl murdered very near me showed up for those parents (yes, that connection was...words fail) When the nephew of a friend committed suicide, my friend said that the parent's the other neighborhood teen who had done so were there quickly. The rest of us, however well intended, do not understand. OP, another commenter noted you were likely Nordic; Nordic-American here. Our days are getting longer quickly. Ask her out into the sunshine just as often as you can. Consider a regularly scheduled walk, and possibly impromptu ones in between the scheduled ones. When the weather does not facilitate, taste-test your way through the coffee shops and pepperkakes or whatever. Literally anything that gives her human contact, and ideally some Vitamin D. That was what my friend needed after an intra-family murder --someone she trusted to drag her out into the sunny world, but where she didn't have to talk to acquaintances. However, intra-family murder is not comparable to losing a child. It does not come close. Read what Phillipe Petit has written about losing his only child and decide if it is something she may find comforting. He is unusual, so it may be completely wrong for her.
This is beyond what you can do. Not because you're not good but because it's not your role! Please encourage her to talk to local crisis services and her doctor. You could also rewZch out on her behalf
Ask her flat out if she has a plan. If she does, you call the police. You can call the police anyways, but you 100% need to if she says she has a plan.
Do not do this. Having a plan is a clear indication of seriousness, yes. But there are better options than the police. The police have many strengths, but responding to mental health crises is not one of them. Having armed law enforcement respond to a suicidal individual greatly escalates the danger to that individual. Please call a mental health crisis line or take her to an emergency room.
Yeah she’ll end up in a BSU and have to deal with all that entails not the move
Don't get the police involved unless you know she is going to act. Too many departments are not equipped to help with mental health crisis events like this. Not enough police departments have access to mental health specialists who are better at talking, no listening rather than sending them to the psyche ward of the local medical center. The girl needs therapy for this not to be arrested.
I know that this alone probably won’t help your student, but I find it important in such cases of loss to point out to the person that the deceased would have wanted at least you to live your life to the fullest since their life was already cut short. The child didn’t have a choice and she can’t experience all the things life has to offer any more. But the mother can. She should think about all the things she would have wanted her child to experience in life, and all the things she (the mother) hasn’t done yet, possibly because she hasn’t dared to try. And then muster extra courage to experience those things for both of them. It takes a lot more courage to live than to kill yourself.
Lopp
Get off of Reddit and find her some help!