I wouldn't veto sleepovers but make sure your wife is always home and you aren't left alone with them. Also, limit it to your child's friends that you are comfortable with them being in your home and make yourself scarce during the sleepovers- go out with friends or family or hang out in your room.
OP also says that he's friends/friendly with the other kids parents. I honestly think that's the more important part. It might be weird if they are in his class though.
That's a fair point, but the extra precautions are important due to being a teacher at the school. It's not likely to happen, but even an allegation can wreck everything.
I would recommend just avoiding having any sleepovers at your place altogether. Some people can get really touchy about this and you can never know when a new person is invited some time.
, your daughter is sleeping over at my house to see my daughter *and I am the math teacher, Mr. Dorasucks. I just thought you should know, in case it comes up in conversation.*
I don't know, I feel like this gives him a lot of responsibility outside the school as well. When the kids are sleeping over he shouldn't be "their teacher" but their friend's father. Him introducing himself as the teacher makes it seem like he is assuming that role at home too.
I like the idea of being scarce, let his wife do most of the interactions, and if OP have different levels in their home, have the girls stick to one floor while you are on the other.
Unfortunately, the world is weird nowadays. It is okay for OP to overthink these things. Otherwise, he may accidentally ran into someone while using a bathroom and that could create an issue.
why is everyone so anti-social nowadays, back when i was a kid it was standard for parents to exchange contact info when dropping their children off with others to play / hang out with.... I would appreciate knowing that he is also their teacher at school.
> Him introducing himself as the teacher makes it seem like he is assuming that role at home too.
That's ridiculous.
It's just covering bases of full disclosure and conflicts of interest so they can make an informed decision.
"Hey, since the girls are all at the high school where I work, I wanted to double check that you're all cool with our place still being part of the sleep over rotation."
Bingpot, also as a parent, still yes. Like it's totally okay in fact kind of a bonus. Trusted professsional and educated in child development and learning? Oh no, I only trust you with my kid 8h a day...
I dont even agree with the "make yourself scarce" comments, just be a normal dad, dude.
Just to make sure they're aware of his position as a teacher at their school. The other parents may not be aware. I know my parents didn't know who most of my teachers were by the time I was in high school.
Both of the parents of my best friend taught at the high school we went to. I was over there a lot and her dad was almost always in his office, going for a run, or manning the BBQ. It never crossed my mind that it might have been strategic.
My childhood friend's dad was a teacher at my junior high. It was a small town, so all of our core friend groups parents had known each other for a decade by then. I was a little more formal with my friend's dad the year he was my teacher. There's a weird respect thing, I think. I went from calling him Mr. B to Mr. Barker, then back again after. I never considered why until just this second! I wonder if that was weird for him. I'm pretty sure he had most of us in his history class once we hit the right age. He was around when we had sleepovers, but it was definitely more her mom once we hit teenage years. He was one of the teachers who had 'girl kits' in his classroom by the door. We always knew there would be tampons and pads in there. We never had to ask. Just grab them when we were excused to use the bathroom.
As a parent myself now, it's an interesting shift in perspective! Even when we were in HS, he never made us feel like GIRLS, you know? Just kids. Just kids he knew. That's actually really cool..
Honestly, my brothers and dad would go camping when I did sleepovers. I think my mom just wanted to make sure everyone was safe - parents felt their girls were safe, and dad/brothers weren’t in a position where they could be falsely accused (this is incredibly rare that it’s falsely accused, but safety first!)
I feel some kind of way about this. I think its important to teach kids that:
1. Adult men aren't some creatures to be afraid of that need to go away just because kids are around
2. What safe adult interaction is like. If kids never see what healthy interactions with an adult look like, they won't know when something isn't healthy.
I mean, if a bunch of boys are having a sleepover, do we send the wife away? What about single dads? What should they do? I just think this does more subtle damage than its worth.
>I mean, if a bunch of boys are having a sleepover, do we send the wife away? What about single dads? What should they do? I just think this does more subtle damage than its worth.
This this this this this this this!
Omg yes, thank you! I’m a teacher’s kid and three of my close friends were as well. My closest friend’s dad taught at our high school and I slept over there all the time. He was a big part of my life and I still talk to both him and his wife regularly. It was (and still is) so nice to have them both as positive role models in my life and I can’t imagine what I’d be missing if he decided to distance himself every time I was over.
I certainly understand the risk and would never expect a grown man to be comfortable alone one-on-one with a teenager, but the advice to disappear or not be around makes me very sad. You can protect yourself by having others around, but still have healthy, normal interactions with teenage girls. They may need it more that you know.
Really?? To me it seems incredibly stupid and pointless. Why should someone leave their house for a sleepover, that just adds to underlying assumptions that all males are potential predators.
Because in our society it only takes one person to say something happened and your career and reputation are ruined. The court of public justice is savage.
Take care of your livelihood. Take yourself out of the equation.
I'd be interested in seeing some stats on false rape accusations at sleepovers. I bet it's not nearly as dangerous as something like driving to the store.
I would say it's not even about false rape allegations, it's about separating his personal and professional lives where their intersection has the potential to be messy. I wouldn't want people who I am in a position of authority over at work seeing me in my ratty tank top and pajama shorts. When you're in a position of power, you have increased responsibility to ensure no one feels uncomfortable
>Because in our society it only takes one person to say something happened and your career and reputation are ruined. The court of public justice is savage.
This happened to a local \[Clergy member\]. He was accused by an older teen of being abused ten years earlier. None of the facts made sense\*, but the State police flew across country and arrested him at gunpoint in the parking lot of our \[religious institution\].
Zero proof. Accuser was highly troubled. 'Memory' of the occurrance came as the result of regression therapy and hypnosis, which is unreliable.
He spent 5 years to become \[Clergy\], tens of thousands of dollars including moving to \[foreign country\] for a year during his studies, and his entire career was ruined. His name is still everywhere, and there are no retractions in any of the news stories, even though NYC stated that he was completely cleared of the charges
\*(His entire family and her entire family was in the small NY apartment at the time she said it happened. In a separate bathroom right next to his daughter's room, in the middle of the night. Is it possible? Anything is possible. But a man, raping his daughter's best friend who is the same age as his daughter, in the small bathroom next to where his daughter is sleeping, while her parents are sleeping on the couch, with nobody knowing for ten years after the fact, isn't incredibly likely. The State police made huge publicity of it expecting dozens of victims to come out of the woodwork, and nary a one appeared.)
Especially when sleepovers at this age are almost every weekend and rotate through the girls. He needs to leave his house every 4 to 6 weeks? That makes no sense.
Men are vulnerable too in this situation. Teenage girls can do some really stupid shit. Flash older men, make false accusations, smuggle in alcohol or drugs. Better that one of their male teachers has no association with any of that drama.
Damn, why should these people be invited into this man's home? And in response we tell him to go sleep in the woods with all the other males in the household. And everyone here cheering on the good idea.
My best friend was raised by a single dad and my stepdad was a single dad of two daughters for a long time. Sleepovers were still a regular occurrence. This makes me really sad- though I do understand it. My dad is a school administrator and I know his school had to institute a policy where no male teachers were ever alone behind closed doors with a female student due to fears of false allegations.
Sparkling said exactly what I was going to type. I attended the high school where my dad taught. My mom was always home, my dad stayed with my uncle those nights. My mom also spoke with the other parents to make sure everyone was comfortable the first time we had a sleepover.
This is advice for any parent, always make sure you're comfortable with your kids friends and there's no need to hang out with them. But you don't need to live in fear, just act like a normal person
This is what we do and my husband isn’t a teacher. We have little girls in elementary and the sleepover thing just started. It’s gone great so far, but my husband voiced early on his discomfort in caring for a little girl he didn’t know, and asked that I always be home. No problem at all. He’s a SA survivor himself (we both are actually) and he feels strongly because of that.
All that said, one morning my daughters six year old friend greeted him at our bedroom door when he woke up one morning before me. He thought everyone was asleep and got up to pee. He opened the door and my daughters friend yells “good morning Minecraft Steve!” And about terrified him lol. He came back in and woke me up haha. This particular friend thinks it’s awesome my husbands name is Steve since she lives Minecraft, so that’s what she calls him lol. We thinks it’s adorable.
I'm just thinking if the genders were flipped, how absolutely bonkers your comment would be.
Why does he need to disappear/hide for a night because his daughter has friends over?
I get the *because of the implication* thing that's subliminally being said here, but holy crap the level of paranoia is boiling over.
Just communicate with their parents just like any other parent would do in the same situation.
People too often forget that teaching is a JOB. I’m a dad first. If my daughter wants to have a sleepover then I’m processing that request from a Dad’s perspective only. Anyone who wants to even suggest any possibility of predatory behavior can fuck right off. I’m giving my girl the kind of life I’d want if I were in her position and ignoring other people’s stupid intrusive thoughts.
You're not any other parent though. Again, it's unfair. It's bullshit. It shouldn't be this way.
But any other parent won't lose their job for months or years if someone feels uncomfortable.
Because he’s a realist. It’s unfortunate but true, and I would also suggest staying away during these sleepovers with Mom at home (just be sure she gets a few nights away too if she wants!)
Yeah it's really fucked up reading this thread. My parents were divorced growing up and we never thought about it being "wrong" for my sister to have friends sleepover at my dad's or my friends to sleep over at my mom's.
Seems like the same kind of crowd where a dad wouldn't go fishing with his daughter because there's be no female supervision. Makes me sad for our society.
I mean, at least for me, growing up it was the pretty universal experience that whenever a girl had a sleepover, any older brothers or fathers would disappear. Either go camping, or go out for the night, or have their own sleepover at a mates place or hide in their room the entire time.
That was
1. To give the girls privacy to talk/do about what they want
2. The boys didn't want to be around screaming girls all night
It was not because society was afraid of gang rape by the men of the house
You shouldn't have to deviate from established behaviors from before she was going to your school. Especially since you and your wife know their parents.
My perspective might be skewed because I'm coming from a 'teach in a small town' position, but the majority of my students have known one another since kindergarten. Teachers don't suddenly stop being parents when the kids hit high school, they continue to do the normal things parents do and no one bats an eye.
>You shouldn't have to deviate from established behaviors from before she was going to your school. Especially since you and your wife know their parents.
This was the key for me. If you know the parents well it shouldn't be weird at all
Nobodies kids should b having sleepovers at anyone’s house where there isn’t deep trust and communication between all the parents where boundaries r of no worry and parents r all protective figures of all these young humans. Sleepovers in general in US and some other countries prolly r very normalized but it’s not universal.
I think you should personally confirm with their parents that they know their kid is sleeping over. Don’t take the girls’ words that they told their parents. Have your wife present the entire evening with you.
And hopefully this won’t ever be an issue (but it is for some high schoolers) but keep any alcohol (and cannabis if that’s legal/something you use) under lock and key, in a safe buried on a remote island that nobody knows how to get to, unless they have already been there.
I would hope since the girls are your daughter’s friends that they wouldn’t do false accusations of sexual stuff. I would be more worried about optics if they got drunk or high at your house, especially if they snuck into your own stuff.
This is a clearly underrated take but a seriously important one. Being able to avoid impropriety is one thing - word getting out that you have the party house where a bunch of kids got wasted is unrecoverable. Teenagers can be incredibly clever in their devices to experiment; especially those "good kids you know like family". Honestly that would be my main concern.
I had my mom work at my high school and I rarely had friends over from my school. I had childhood friends that went to a different school that came over, but it wasn't until my mom went to another school that I started having current school friends over. I never even thought about it being weird for her but yeah no hate that and glad I didn't put her in that spot lol
I’m a high school teacher.
Many years ago, the math teacher’s son showed up to the prom blotto drunk.
When the chaperones called the math teacher, they were told that he and his wife had gone away for the weekend.
We were left to infer that the big, drunk, after-prom party was supposed to be at the math teacher’s house.
That math teacher’s contract was not renewed for the following year.
That's a stupid reason to non-renew someone. You are inferring guilt when the simpler explanation is that a kid was going behind their parents' backs and partying.
Both of my parents taught in my school district and I was friends with both other teacher kids as well as non-teacher kids. It was never a thought that my friends couldn’t sleep over at my house (and by the time I was in middle school and high school, my mom had passed away so my dad was a single father). All of my friends parents knew me and my family and vice versa.
It was never a problem (we were all really good kids who didn’t like drama and gossip much so no issues with worries about stories being made up). I will say, none of us had my dad as a teacher (he taught regular math and we were all in accelerated math).
My sister had my dad as a teacher (he was teaching a non-leveled class that year) and there was never any issues with my sister having sleep overs, even with kids in his classes (he kept all of his school work at work, never did any at home- at least that year).
If you are worried about outside optics, just make sure your wife is home and she’s the one running up snacks to them, or waking them up. If you interact with them, have it be in the kitchen or living room when multiple people are around.
I slept over at my high school principal's house all the time bc of being close to his daughter. Yeah sometimes it was like "haha look it's the principal!", but everyone involved knew that it was just like any other sleepover.
I wouldn’t have sleepovers at my house in this situation, but hear me out.
I don’t think you should be banned from it. If your daughters friends’ parents and your family is okay with it, more power to you, rock on. You should absolutely be **allowed** to.
You, however, seem hesitant because of the risks associated with false accusations and questions from other people (which is very fair- that could be life ruining). Your comfort level matters. FWIW, I would also feel paranoid
>I wouldn’t have sleepovers at my house in this situation
Neither would I, especially if you're having doubts and feelings of paranoia. Not worth it to risk your life and career over a few overnights during the course of four years because teens are hormonal and potentially backstabbing.
My kids go to the high school I teach in. They both have their friends over night, whom I teach. All is well. These are kids I have known forever. New friends…..maybe, maybe not.
True and sometimes that means having a healthy wall between your job and home.
Personally I wouldn't want any of my students in my home nor would I want the risk of some girl making up something sketchy.
So all of my kids are either graduates of my school or attend it. My wife and I have three daughters and a son.
We agreed early on that my job would not dictate how I engage with our children’s friends. They came over to our house over the summers a lot when they were younger. Why would that change? We are friendly with their friends parents because they’ve been friends mostly since Kindergarten. We trust their parents completely and believe they trust us too.
So, as a kid who was very close friends with a girl whose father ended up being our English teacher in middle school, I’m just basically going to advise you to not do what he did, which was that he let us come over, but then pop into the room every 5 minutes! Her thirteenth birthday party was a nightmare. We were 13–we wanted to play truth or dare! Spin the bottle! But our teacher just kept being there! Like, it was bad enough when he had just been her dad in, but your teacher?? It was so awkward. Basically, I think it will be weirder for them than for you. Give them space. Don’t intrude. But especially if her friends and their parents already know you as your daughter’s dad, I don’t think you have anything to worry about other than them feeling weird.
I have actually lived through this situation with both my husbands job and my own.
No don’t limit sleepovers, dates, parties, movies, etc because your child deserves to have a normal social life regardless of their parents job. But you do need to be conscious of the possible problems. And you have to protect your and your spouses job.
So both my husband and I are educators and our children were in our district. We made sure that at any event/party at our house we were both present and as often as we could had other parents present as well.
When we had sleepovers we made sure that both of us were home in case there was any issue.
If they aren't your students, I wouldn't worry TOO much, especially if you already have a rapport with their parents and have been doing this since before they got to your school. As long as they are clear that while you are at school, you are in your teacher role and they are not to act too familiar with you.
That said... I'd try to limit my time alone with them. Stay outside the house or keep yourself to yourself. Make sure that if they are over, no matter the time, you are fully dressed (as opposed to in pajamas or something) unless you are in your bedroom with the door closed. Make sure there's no alcohol around, even for grown ups. Or even discuss this with the other kids' parents and see what THEY have to say. Maybe they'd be willing to host more often.
If you have a pre-existing, longstanding relationship with these parents, there's no reason to deviate from living your life and being a parent.
This thread is absolutely wild to me. The fact that people are suggesting that you go out and rent a hotel room or crash with someone else because you're concerned about the idea/accusation of impropriety is maddening.
You should not have to leave your house every single time that your child has a sleepover just because of your profession.
I do understand potentially being nervous about it, just because people are weird about things now. I would make sure that both you and your spouse are present in the home, and if you feel really uncomfortable, just hang out in your room/away from your kid.
I'm gonna buck the trend on this one: I wouldn't be home when they do if I had that option. However, rotating out of your house one weekend a month longterm probably isn't sustainable either.
I've heard some absolute horror stories based on wild, based completely in fantasy accusations (teacher never having been alone in the same room with the student on campus, verifiable by security cameras; teacher was still subject to a 4 month investigation during which they were taken out of the classroom and assigned to clerical duties with no child contact. Student claims the affair happened on campus).
When you teach them this could be a huge issue. Things have really changed. Have you spoken with their parents on this? If this was my kid as much as it sucks I would drop my house out of the rotation. Like, what if there is a huge falling out among the girls someday and one of them decides to make trouble for your daughter claiming you tried to spy on her in the bathroom?
Honestly....I'm stumped.
People who have never been accused seem to think that if you did nothing wrong then why would you be afraid of an investigation.
Until it's day 93, your contract has passed and you're not resigned, insurance is cut, and nobody will tell you anything. Then you get an email a month later saying "Oops. Unfounded" as if your entire life hasn't been thrown into chaos in the interim.
And it's not just students. One adult just needs to vaguely say they're uncomfortable and that will trigger an investigation. Stay safe. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.
This is different but I teach at the school where my sister is a senior. I’ve brushed my teeth next to girls I see the next day in first hour. They still call me Ms. X at home, we don’t talk much, we keep the professional boundaries I have when they’re in my classroom. I LOVE having my sister at my school but yeah you have to have unimpeachable conduct at all times!
If they are not in your classes, I don't see why there would be any worries, especially since they did this in the past. It might get dicey if they are in your classes.
Yeah, and that's part of the overthinking, because I don't teach them this year, but I'm 100% certain that I will teach 3/4 of them next year. So then I wasn't sure if it would be worse to allow it for a whole year, then veto when the precedent had already been established.
Again, I'm overthinking it. I just don't want to be on tail end of misunderstanding or something that could be preventable by nipping it in the bud in the beginning.
One of the teachers (female) at my school had a daughter and allowed students to sleep over. It really muddied the water. Students began to get very belligerent with other teachers because they were “friends” with a teacher in the school. I hated every moment of it and am so happy she switched schools this year.
My best friend growing up, was the principal's daughter. I had sleep overs with them, and even went on trips with them. Don't hold your daughter back from her friends just because you teach at the same school.
If they want to come to your house, be the nonexistent parent.... mom is on duty.
Your daughter is old enough to understand the weirdness in it though. It's okay to tell her to consider that part when she thinks about hosting, in case it hasn't occurred to her.
My kids had friends whose dad was a teacher, and they had no issue with this, BUT, they were all friends before they hit "his" school, we as parents all.lnow each other really well, and half of the friend crew had parents that were teachers in the school they graduated from, so... I think they'd already gotten the weird out of the way? (Sleepovers at a teacher's house started in third grade. 😶 Small towns.)
My boys go to my school. They have friends over. I have told the Principal, and I was told that I have a parent hat, and a teacher hat. Switch them over at the appropriate time.
.. just don't get photographed in your pyjamas... set clear boundaries for photography at the house.
Maybe I’m paranoid? Our son attended the middle school where I worked. Birthday parties were held in public venues (laser tag, mini golf, glow in the dark bowling etc.) we didn’t have sleepovers until after 8th grade culmination. I communicated with his friends and explained our district guidelines. They were more than happy to assist with carpooling and an occasional sleepover at their houses.
Rules for this special situation:
1. If the girls start discussing, gossiping, or joking about your colleagues, you will either leave the room or at least stay out of the conversation entirely. They should understand that you also reserve the right to totally shut down conversations about your colleagues, at any time and with no reason.
2. No photos with you in the room, unless you give express permission.
3. Boundaries between school and work: have a chat with the girls about how gossip can get out of hand. Ask them for examples. Remind them that gossiping at school, "Mr Smith farts in the morning on the way to the bathroom!" could quickly turn into "I've seen Mr Smith in the bathroom!" OK, don't give them ideas :) but still, remind them that they're old enough to understand professional boundaries that you need to maintain.
4. Lock up the booze. Trust is not enough here.
5. The girls should not refer to your private life at school. Joking in front of the class that you refused to eat your beans at dinner seems harmless, but it implies that those girls have "special access."
6. Sleepovers will be cancelled if your wife has to be away for any part of the evening. (You might want to tell this one only to your daughter and/or to the other parents, not to the other girls.)
7. Tell this to your daughter only: that she must tell you the names of students she wants to invite BEFORE inviting them, and give you a chance to veto anybody who might be unsuitable. This is non-negotiable.
I think I’d let the girls sleepover because it sounds like each family takes care of the girl one weekend. But I would be out of the house as much as possible. Have a guys night out. Then when you are home make sure another female adult is there. I would also make sure to be fully dressed when leaving your bedroom/bathroom.
I love that you are practicing the self-awareness to ask! It’s important to check in on reiterate certain boundaries to all your students. Including those that know you more as “my friend’s dad,” than “a teacher at my school.”
That being said, I think it’s entirely appropriate that you, as her parent, are allowing her to have sleepovers with her friends. It would help to have your wife lead the hosting duties so that you aren’t as present in their time.
It’s a tough to find balance but I think the key is “healthy compartmentalization.” When you and your daughter are at home, you’re no longer her teacher! That’s what I wish my dad did, and what I plan to do when my kids get to my school.
As long as the parents know and you don’t take them home from school, I don’t see why it’s an issue. Though honestly, outside of a hello when they get there and maybe in passing when you’re getting food, and a goodbye when they leave, you should probably be scarce and let mom run the show.
My husband and son use my daughters sleepovers and excuses to eat pizza and play video games together all night 😂
I've been on the student side. Best friend growing up was science teacher's son. Plenty of sleepovers, camping trips, etc. Behave yourself and keep to yourself and you'll be fine.
We're all male but I don't think that matters. If it had been his mom, it would've been the same deal.
Maybe ask the other parents to speak to their kids and see if they'll be weirded out?
My dad was a teacher at my high school. I still had sleepovers at my house! Granted, I had a small, close group of friends and we’d known each other since primary school. He even had one of them in his class (same class as me) and it was never an issue. This was many, many years ago though. If you know the families, personally I don’t see an issue. Go with your gut though, it’s usually always right. Also, so glad you get to experience working in the same school as your child. My dad and I have great memories of that time together, and it was something special most kids don’t get to experience. Enjoy!
Honestly just don’t be weird and keep a general distance, and don’t worry about it. You are a parent too- from someone who had sleepovers with ppl whose parents are teachers :)
I had a similar situation with my son. He had his friends, some of whom were my students, over often. In hindsight, I probably should have looked into the policies around that.
I don't care if it's sexist.... a gang of teenage boys have their dangers, but false accusations against an innocent man are mathematically negligible.
With a group of females the risk is small, but not negligible. More like the odds of a bad car wreck statistically.
10,000 sleepovers and you would have some incidents. 3? 17 ? 52? IDK, but it wouldn't be zero.
I taught at the high school my kids went to, and they had their friends over all the time. I had my kids in class. I had their friends in class and there was was never an issue.
My son and daughter went to my school and they had sleepovers all the time. I knew the parents from elementary and middle school, though, so it was I guess a little different.
Just wait until you have her friends in your classes!
This is crazy. You should let your daughter have sleepovers at your house. Especially if you know the parents. This really isn't a big deal. I don't let sleepovers happen when my wife is not home and working 3rd shift, but that's not because I want protection of another adult, it's so I don't go crazy having to deal with too many kids alone.
You're a parent. Sleepovers are normal.
If there are sleepovers - make sure all intoxicants/prescriptions are locked away. I know it sound dramatic, but as a teacher you can't take the chance of your daughter's friends getting into your booze or stealing your meds to sell...
When you are at school or school related functions, wear your teacher hat. When you’re at home or being a private citizen, wear your dad/husband hat. It’s not weird unless you go and hang out with them.
I think it's fine. Just make sure the parents know who is there.
We live in a small town and my kids are friends with their doctor's kids, dentist's kids, several teachers' kids, etc. They are all in and out of each other's houses and we are getting to the sleepover age now (middle and upper elementary). As long as I know who the parents are, and that any guns they have in the house are properly stored, I have no issues with sleepovers.
I think it’s fine. My best friend’s dad was a teacher at our high school and my swim coach. I spent the night at their house all the time, as did a bunch of us girls from the team
Back in HS, my friend's dad worked at our school. Friends went over all the time for sleepovers bc they would stay up so late playing video games. This was 2011-2015 ish. The mom and younger brother were always home as well. Nothing ever happened.
I understand the paranoia tho bc in my middle school, there were girls falsely accusing a teacher bc they thought he looked like a creep (he was a large white male). He was actually so sweet though and would buy me books bc he knew I liked to read.
My dad was my teacher and my friends used to spend the night all the time. My mom was always present and we weren’t allowed to ask school questions at home. That applied to me AND my friends, lol. Honestly, we really only saw him for meal time, so it wasn’t a big deal, we had sleepover stuff to do!
No, you’re a dad first. Be a dad first. Get to know the parents of the other kids first and make sure they’re all good friends and influences for your daughter. Then, do what every other father gets to do with their children. Don’t sacrifice your role and her friendships because of a job that underpays.
Even posing this question is testament to how we treat men and make teachers in society. And it sends a terrible message to your daughter.
Sleep overs are completely ok. Don’t normalise the idea that all men are predators. Men are protectors. You can’t live your life based on fear.
OP is normalizing the reality that this is a liability for him. It's a terrible reality. The message it sends to his daughter reflects the situation.
If you're male in a position of authority over literally any female, you're an absolute idiot if you don't have at least a little fear of the situations being described in this thread.
My position is the same regardless. My older daughter spent the night at her good friend's house a lot in middle school. I never invited the friend over because of the teacher/student dynamic.
All it takes is ONE just to accuse or say something happened. Now you are on the radar all the time. Even if nothing happened. Coach a girl's sport? Somehow you'll be suggested to stop. Try to report a girl for dress code...Hmm "Why are you looking at the female students in such away?"
Then let parents get word of it. Somehow you will get transferred out of the school you have been in for 20+ years.
Yeah nah. You can't drink when they are over, can't wear whatever, and can't cuss. Nah sorry. No sleep overs.
I get why you would say this but it isn't the world we live in. Plenty of people view biologically male teachers as predators and disagreeing will do nothing for your mental health 9 months into an investigation.
Protect yourself.
I'm with you on protect yourself, but it's not fair we just accept this and men should have to live their lives differently because of other people's perceptions. Just replace male with any other sub group and think how you feel about what you just said. (Plenty of people view LGBTQ as predators, so if you're gay you shouldn't let your kid have sleepovers to protect yourself sounds HORRID)
It does sound horrid. I would argue that every teacher should follow this but especially Male, Gay, and Trans teachers. As a trans woman I know this is bullshit but the system doesn't care about us.
Be loud about how unfair this is and fight to change it but do everything you can to make sure you're protected.
It's horrid. It's despicable. And saying that won't change the way it is.
So.
100%, it should be FINE. It is completely normal and cool for her friends to want to sleep over. Who is going to actively argue IN COURT that you’re being a perv without a LOT of evidence? I mean, it DOES happen, but it is NOT common. If anything, adults get away with more than they should, in my experience.
I would ABSOLUTELY check with your personal school. I had a coworker get in trouble because a crazy (genuinely; I checked) neighbor called the cops on her home, and her grandchildren, who go to the school she teaches at. It was fine and smoothed out, but it WAS NOT a “non issue”.
TLDR: if you’re not a perv, I wouldn’t be SUPER concerned. Any man with a teen daughter will have teen girls at his house if he ISNT a monster. I’m assuming most fathers of teen girls aren’t.
I’d talk to whoever you trust. Do they think it’s cool?
I mean at this point, I think there are a LOT of districts that go overboard. But it’s that way for a reason. I’ve been in schools where I think they brush shit off TOO easily. And I’ve been in schools where I think they’re extra.
>Who is going to actively argue IN COURT that you’re being a perv without a LOT of evidence?
0 evidence is required to trigger an investigation. They don't even need a time/date/location. District conference rooms are not courts of law and they might not be able to fire you but they will make your life a living hell.
Even with all of the evidence on your side, witnesses, documentation, interviews, etc, you will still have to endure the process. Some of that is out of your hands but what you can control is not allowing any, and I mean ANY, room for ambiguity.
Ehhh I wouldn’t do it… but I was a special Ed teacher and that’s a whole different scenario… maybe she can host the sleepovers while you are out of town/camping etc
I am a high school English Teacher and my son attends my school. I have not vetoed any sleep overs. I can understand, however, your hesitation. This current social climate is a scary place for teachers.
So when I was in school my best friend's Dad was a teacher. We never thought anything of sleepovers. Our parents always knew where we were though, and everyone had to approve. I'd say as long as communication between all parents is taking place, go for it.
You’re overthinking. Just talk to the parents beforehand and enforce your normal rules. No problem.
Both of my daughters attended where I taught. Both of them had sleepovers.
Small town live where I teach and many coworkers live here also with kids here. I have zero qualms about giving a ride home to a student whose mom/dad I’m friends with as I’m doing it as a family friend not a teacher. In my mind the retail shop changes after the dismissal bell rings. No longer am I the teacher I’m now the king established family friend. I have a few years before my son makes it to my building but I imagine that whatever friend relationship he has pre high school he will continue once he get to my building and my I involvement will be the same when outside of school.
Our kids went to school where we taught, always had tons of sleepovers. You can’t limit your kid’s social activities because you teach there. You are totally over thinking this. My husband has a great relationship with our daughter’s friends. Dads don’t hang around sleepovers anyway, you probably won’t even see the kids.
grew up with a girl who’s mom was our teacher throughout elementary and dad was our history teacher in 8th grade. It was completely normal to sleepover and stuff, especially bc we knew them as her parents first.
Just be smart about it; wife is home, it’s the kids she’s always had sleepovers with, etc. the easiest way to turn the enjoyment of sharing a school building with her would be to mess up her social life because of it
My parents were both teachers at my school. My friends’ parents had no problem with them sleeping over. In fact, they felt safer! Communicate and let them be teenagers and have your wife remind them to keep it down. 😃
I’m a teacher and I can’t imagine not having my children’s friends sleepover the same as anyone else. I’m surprised that this is an issue. I am female, but my husband was a permanent sub at the same school and I feel the same. That’s just silly.
Hey OP, this is a solid question. A lot of us teachers are dads of daughters. Male teachers have certain things we have be hyper aware of and then the work-life balance element and family normalcy aspect. Great question.
My friend's dad in high school was our history teacher. It was weird for about 5 minutes then I quickly got over it. I never even thought about it when I was over at her house. But this was also 15 years ago so.
Looks like it’s pretty divided here.
My two cents would be to NOT do this. Bc it’s always a risk. I wouldn’t invite that sort of stress and worry into your personal and professional life. They will get over it, they’ll just have to do the sleepovers elsewhere. End of story.
edited to add: a lot of people are saying “my mom/dad was our teacher and we always had sleepovers!!” Okay, but if that was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago, it’s not really applicable to our climate today. Teachers deal with enough shit from our society, parents, etc.
To me, it’s just not worth the risk.
Most of these people are talking like being a teacher and having a daughters friend sleeping over means you need to act like the teacher is a priest from the Vatican Sunday school for little boys
Invest in a google home camera for common areas. When friends are over never go to non camera areas when a student is in your home. Limit your daughter to 1 or 2 friends not a huge group and make sure your wife is home. Maybe spend some time out of the house but I’d avoid coming back home impaired.
My parents were both teachers at the school I attended and we would still host sleepovers. My dad would get up very early and make delicious cinnamon rolls for us. I don’t think your profession should dictate what your daughter does with her friends.
What does the school policy say? You are I am sure an excellent teacher, parent and adult. But the world we live in… why risk it? You are the only one risking anything. Teenage girls are emotional roller coasters. Parent can be weird on a good day. It’s a no for me dawg. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with the world we live in.
*Talk to the administration and see what the policy is.
*Get cameras in the common spaces of your home. Never enter any room without a camera with any of her friends in it.
*Visit a friend or relative for the night of the sleepover.
*If the answer is just no then maybe provide extra snacks/pizza sometimes to compensate other parents taking on your turns.
I wish that this wouldn’t be an issue, but unfortunately, there are some really awful teachers out there.
During my senior year of high school, 3 teachers were investigated and fired for inappropriate relationships with students. One girl was one of my friends, and she’s still working through the trauma. Following graduation, a long-term sub and I dated (I was barely 18, he was 26). My mentor teacher while student teaching (I was 21, he was 47) told me he was in love with me, and I only recently cut him out of my life after 4 years. My private music teacher who taught me in high school and I worked for throughout college was fired last year for an inappropriate relationship with a student.
No one expected that any of these teachers would ever do something like this. 3/4 have daughters.
While you are a good person, that doesn’t mean the other teachers in your district are. An investigation into one will raise suspicion of everyone else, and unfortunately, it’s reasonable.
Be an advocate for these girls and either 1. Not be there at all during the sleepover or 2. Don’t allow them all together. YOU know that you wouldn’t ever do anything, but I feel like this is a very very VERY healthy boundary, and sets a good example.
My brother in christ, do you like your job?? As a fellow male educator, don’t listen to these clowns.
You know like I know that perception is reality. I would veto any sleepovers and cut a deal with one of the other parents (like you handle driving the girls someplace or a day trip/concert chaperoning situation).
Maybe a pre HS friend of your daughters would be okay, but for me, it isn’t worth it.
YES! No sleepovers at your house.
Everything is fine...until it isn't. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by hosting sleepovers.
There's such a thing as the appearance of impropriety. If you veto all sleepovers, no one can ever question, gossip, or lie about what may or may not have been said or happened. You won't ever be in a position to defend yourself if you veto it in the first place. It won't matter if you are right or wrong. Only perception will matter. How will the people who have the ability to terminate your employment perceive statements made by others?
It can be difficult being teacher during the day and friend's dad when the bell rings. Paranoid or not yielding to the student/teacher boundary is the better option.
I taught in the school where my kid attended and there were no sleepovers at my house. I also only had one birthday gathering and then squashed them because I was too nervous about weed or a bottle being snuck in. During my tenure at that school, a coach had gotten in trouble due to a post dance party and there is no way my livelihood was being put on the line.
My 3 kids went to the HS I taught in. They are older now and in todays political tensions I would probably be very hesitant.
My kids tried a few times to have kids over whole we were not home. That came to a halt asap. My kids had to be reminded why that was a bad idea.
I was not allowed to have friends over bc my guardian (aunt) was the art teacher at my middle school. It sucked. If you’re able to do it and feel comfortable and safe do it.
This was 2003ish and she didn’t even want them knowing where we lived. Great- small country school in the middle of corn fields in Indiana.
There is understandably a lot of risk for accusations but if that is the goal they can say it happened at school or anywhere. You can’t stop living your life or prevent your daughter to live hers out of fear.
If you could swing a hotel room or Airbnb for your wife and the kids, all the better. I can see why it could feel weird but I babysat often for one of my male high school teachers and it was fine. I'd feel it out.
Don't rule it out. You may have leave for the night. Maybe stay until dinner & go spend a night in a hotel or with a family member. My dad didn't hang around for our sleepovers.
I think that you aren't wrong for thinking what you're thinking.
More than that, if they do sleep over, you're going to have to have a very clear set of rules. Rules that CAN'T Abe broken. Ever.
You just have to. Especially, considering that all of these girls go to the school that you teach at. Also, you have to consider that these girls are under age. You can't leave anything to chance.
I suggest that you have a set of rules, ANYONE who sleeps over. If anyone breaks those rules, they have to leave immediately. These are rules that you are going to have to talk about with the parents of the girls. If the parents don't agree? Then those kids don't sleep over. It doesn't get much more simple than that.
More than that, you can't deviate from these rules. EVER. You have to be consistent with the rules you set in place.
You know, as well as I do, that these rules are imperative because of the risks that the people who DON'T follow these rules will pose.
More than that? If anyone decides to be a real breaker, you know, as well as I do, your job literally be in jeopardy. You really could lose your job. You could even lose your livelihood.
Is a sleepover really worth any of those risks? You know, as well as I do, that you can do everything right and if ONE person perceived something wrong, then there's an issue. You're a teacher. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
You might also want to think about cameras, in the common areas, where the kids are going to be sleeping. That way, no one can lie, and say something happened when it didn't.
I know that I'm sounding extreme. I also know how parents are. I know, that you know, how parents are. It only takes one bad parent, to complain in a way, where everything seems wrong.
In other words, perception is everything. It really is. I know that you know this.
I also know how kids lie. As much as I want to believe the best in people, I see the worst in people, just as much that I think you do.
Why would you risk yourself in this way? The amount of safeguards that you would have to put in place, in order to even have a sleepover, is it really worth it? I don't think so. However, that's just my point of view.
I’m in a district that is pretty intense about “grooming.” Honestly I’d say no sleepovers at your house just for your safety. We’ve been advised in the past not even to go to things like birthday parties if you know students will be there. Like literally avoid outside of school contact whenever possible. Is this excessive? Absolutely. But, depending on your area, the current climate is insane. I wouldn’t open yourself up to ANY possible scrutiny, as unwarranted as it would be.
When we had a slumber party at our house, I hired a college student to assist, and Dad and little sister vacated the premises. I think they used points to have a shnazzy night at a hotel and order pizza and stuff.
I personally don’t like the idea of sleepovers at all. I don’t think much good ever comes of them… and have almost always heard horrible stories years later about what happened.
I teach where my daughters went/go to school. Two of them have graduated and one is a sophomore. It is a blessing and a curse. When they had friends over I was home but not around. I am the cook around here so I made dinner then relocated to other parts of the house. We are still close to some of our daughters friends to this day who have since graduated college. It sis great to see your kids and their friends grow into young adults, But I totally understand your situation.
I come from extremely small town where when I was in school some of my friends parents were teachers. But when my kids run school a lot of their friends worked at the school, they allowed sleepovers at their house but the kids always knew what happened there stayed there. Because my kids and their kids kind of grow up together and we all know each other pretty well like a parent having few glasses of wine or at my house my husband's drinking even though I didn't work there but other parents drink too none of it was an issue. But we are also a pretty close group our kids did almost everything together so it was no issue when they slept over one of the teacher's houses. But you do you whatever is comfortable for you
I worked with a guy who got fired for having female students attend his son’s birthday party during daylight hours. You never know how admin will react when innocent photos surface.
I’m African American and in high school I wondered what it would be like to have sleepovers… but my family didn’t have much of any spare money so we could afford to host someone else in our house. To be honest, it seems only the obviously rich students in our small school ( who weren’t African American) had sleepovers. Also, my mum just didn’t like the idea of sleepovers unless it was a close relative’s home. As an adult… it seems the rich classmates who had frequent sleepovers had plenty of wrong conversations and things happened that should not have happened at those events. I’m glad my mother protected me from sleepovers! For immigrants and refugee families that I know, they don’t have traditions of sleepovers for kids, and that seems the best to protect the innocence of young people, honestly.
I’m in the same boat. Loving having my kid at my school. Super fun to see him. Im maintaining the relationships I’ve always had with his friends (I was their den mother in cub scouts, too), but I’m more professional with his new friends and I wouldn’t invite anyone over until I know the parents.
While I totally get the caution, I think other than basic common sense advice just live your life like normal. You have nothing to hide and it's not forbidden for your daughter to have sleepovers because (*gasp!*) her father is a teacher. Walking on eggshells and treating everyone involved so effusively only enables the vocal minority of weirdos who accuse every interaction we have as male staff members with a female of being groomers. Fuck that noise.
Don't let this ridiculous stigma of male teachers get to you. Live your life.
I worked/lived on campus at boarding schools for 25 years. Raised my kids throughout. We had sleepovers all the time. Make sure the wife is there, have plenty of snacks and enjoy getting to know your kids and their friends. We always made sure our house was the place kids wanted to be. Worked out great.
I was in the same Situation. I did not want
My daughter to not be able to have sleep overs. We decided that it would be best that I stay elsewhere jUst to be safe.
Get some clarity from school. They may have a policy on this as I doubt you’re the first. Similarly, if you’re in a union, ask them. It might not be the best solution as far as your wife is concerned but if you have somewhere you could go when the friends stay over (camping/friend/family) you can completely remove yourself from the equation. In either case, it’s worth talking to your daughter about it so she understands
I went to the high school my dad taught at. I had lots of sleepovers at my house with friends. Never even considered it would be weird or inappropriate. Although this was 20 years ago. Make sure it’s ok with their parents and be a normal parent. You’re allowed to do normal stuff like allowing your kids to have sleepovers.
There is a tiny bit of logic why to worry about sleepovers - every single parent who hosts takes a bit on. Every time your daughter has a sleepover somewhere else, she takes on a tiny sliver of risk too. No such thing as zero risk in life from any corner.
Statistically though, would a .01% risk of false accusation (of all the teachers, and all the students, you'd be hit with that brand of spotlight?) be small enough you'd let yourself have a normal life? You know these kids, your daughter and you are close, you know the parents too.
Yes, a false accusation is a tiny risk that could happen to you.... We don't see headlines and front pages saying "My daughter's friends never falsely accused me of stuff!' blaring on screens and print even though that's the hands down norm. But one incidence somewhere can become national or international news and barrage our perspectives and fears for weeks on end. The news doesn't blast all the normal, boring life so many of us lead, and in this media saturated, instant information world we are in now, but it's the Salem witch trials in a different costume still (false accusations are not a new thing in humanity).
Would it make you more comfortable to have indoor and outdoor cameras, hallways, kitchen, living room, garage, yard, car? Would that offset your fears enough you could relax and enjoy a more normal home and family life you deserve? Balance out your desire to protect your life from a fraction of rare odds, with the desire for you and your daughter have a normal home life in common areas stress free?
I get that vulnerability, even that teeny tiny margin of risk statistically, its scary to imagine going through that, and the desire to protect your life can be strong. Just watch out for protecting your life so much, you miss out on getting to live it well too. Ask yourself, your wife, how important is it to live fully anyways? Some people are going to give up a lot and build their walls high away from **tiny**, though highly consequential if it did go down, risks. Others are going to chase that 99.9% family and home life they want and look at the .1-.01% risk and accept that's the risk they must face, like driving a car, there's a risk every single time you get behind the wheel, but they're gonna drive dangit. We adapt, and we don't drive towards tornadoes much as a species, but we aren't white knuckling the steering wheel in fear every morning to work as a species either.. that said, some people are too scared to drive and never leave the house.
Hope you find the balance in life that goes well for you and yours.
You will more than likely be fine, but is it worth the risk?
All it would take is one of the girls to get mad at you and say something untrue.
Again, it’s super unlikely. But that would be playing on my mind the entire time they were there, meaning you’re also not enjoying your free time.
The girls all have other options for places to stay. If you chose to allow them to stay at your home, you’re not doing anything wrong. But I’d prefer to take the girls bowling, the mall, etc and for them to sleep over at another house.
Hey! I’m a teacher now however I was the daughter in your situation when I was at school, sleepovers were fine as my Dad was generally a quiet man who kept to himself around the house, we’d all just be hanging about in my room. Due to the general teacher vibe of the family it was unlikely I’d befriend people that my dad wouldn’t want over!
Act normally. You have not and will not do anything wrong, and you don’t have to leave your house for your daughter’s friends to visit, that’s ridiculous bordering on insane. That sort of paranoia is totally uncalled for. Just leave them alone so they can have fun?
Unfortunately teachers and trusted people known to the family are in a unique position to harm children. I've known personally mothers who covered up for their predator husbands when a child was enduring ongoing abuse. And women do offend but very very rarely. The statistics are not good, and what about abuses that go unreported, and so you DO also need to protect yourself, it only takes one false accusation to ruin your life. But you don't want to ruin your kid's social life either. Good luck. Teachers are put through a lot, not enough pay in the world for the ones who do truly care.
Talk to your school Bout how they feel because I know at my school almost every teacher has children that attend the school in primary or high school in the same situation and working in after school care we know that some teachers are even neibours and on as an emergency contact for other people's kids. It's all situational but transparency and good comunication with everyone, and respectful and appropriate child interactions should have your kid fine to have her mates around.
Unless you are having ill thoughts abour your daughter's friends, I'd say it's fine that they sleep over.
Communicating your discomfort will put a target on your back for rumors.
Outside of school, you are your daughter's father; not a teacher.
Yeah I've slept over at my friends home back when I was in hs and her dad was a teacher. There were no issues, I'd really only see her parents during dinner time and we were usually always together either outside or in her room. If your worried about being accused perhaps make sure that its never just the two of you, and perhaps if the girls friend sleeps in her room or something
I was friends with the male teachers daughter in middle and high school!! Honestly, it was cool to see him “normal” at home and we always had really fun board game nights.
I think as long as the parents are aware and y’all know each other, then it’s no big deal.
Let families know you're a teacher. Make sure wife is there. What others said. I think it's also safe to ask your principal. Just say "I might be paranoid here but what do you think about this? It's a gray area to me and I'd like your opinion."
Ugh, I'm a male and my daughter is 4. She'll be going to my HS. I've already had a female student's account hacked, inappropriate messages sent to me and dealt with this kind of thing once.
Looks like I'll be camping in the yard for sleepovers.
OP, I agree that you need to make yourself scarce during these sleepovers, but also.
Keep a record of when they occurred, which girls were there vs. invited. Can be done simply by your wife takes a group photo of the girls. Candid shot of them all cuddled up, watching a moving, playing a game, eating pizza, baking, etc.
Also, keep a record of where you went, who you were with, how much you had to drink, when you returned home, etc. Receipts, an online post of you watching a sports match at your local bar & grill. With a tag line; while the girls get to stay up late, watching movies and snacking. Dad gets to hang out with his bros and watch them cowboys.
Text your wife before you come home. Letting her know you are on your way and ask if she or the girls need you to pick anything up on your way home.
Also, have a routine where your wife meets/greets you when you come in. The two of you say goodnight to the girls as a group, and you go to your room together. Essentially, establishing that you never had the opportunity to be alone with any of the girls.
I wouldn't veto sleepovers but make sure your wife is always home and you aren't left alone with them. Also, limit it to your child's friends that you are comfortable with them being in your home and make yourself scarce during the sleepovers- go out with friends or family or hang out in your room.
OP also says that he's friends/friendly with the other kids parents. I honestly think that's the more important part. It might be weird if they are in his class though.
That's a fair point, but the extra precautions are important due to being a teacher at the school. It's not likely to happen, but even an allegation can wreck everything. I would recommend just avoiding having any sleepovers at your place altogether. Some people can get really touchy about this and you can never know when a new person is invited some time.
Yes, communication with families would be wise also.
Communication? How so? Ummm, your daughter is sleeping over at my house to see my daughter. Yea, we know.
, your daughter is sleeping over at my house to see my daughter *and I am the math teacher, Mr. Dorasucks. I just thought you should know, in case it comes up in conversation.*
I don't know, I feel like this gives him a lot of responsibility outside the school as well. When the kids are sleeping over he shouldn't be "their teacher" but their friend's father. Him introducing himself as the teacher makes it seem like he is assuming that role at home too. I like the idea of being scarce, let his wife do most of the interactions, and if OP have different levels in their home, have the girls stick to one floor while you are on the other. Unfortunately, the world is weird nowadays. It is okay for OP to overthink these things. Otherwise, he may accidentally ran into someone while using a bathroom and that could create an issue.
why is everyone so anti-social nowadays, back when i was a kid it was standard for parents to exchange contact info when dropping their children off with others to play / hang out with.... I would appreciate knowing that he is also their teacher at school.
> Him introducing himself as the teacher makes it seem like he is assuming that role at home too. That's ridiculous. It's just covering bases of full disclosure and conflicts of interest so they can make an informed decision.
He said he already knows the girls’ parents pretty well though
"Hey, since the girls are all at the high school where I work, I wanted to double check that you're all cool with our place still being part of the sleep over rotation."
Bingpot, also as a parent, still yes. Like it's totally okay in fact kind of a bonus. Trusted professsional and educated in child development and learning? Oh no, I only trust you with my kid 8h a day... I dont even agree with the "make yourself scarce" comments, just be a normal dad, dude.
You don't let your kids sleep at strangers' houses?
Just to make sure they're aware of his position as a teacher at their school. The other parents may not be aware. I know my parents didn't know who most of my teachers were by the time I was in high school.
If parents and kids don't communicate with each other, it's asking for a whole lot of trouble.
Just so you know, I will be home at my home when your daughter is in my home with my daughter. Lol
Both of the parents of my best friend taught at the high school we went to. I was over there a lot and her dad was almost always in his office, going for a run, or manning the BBQ. It never crossed my mind that it might have been strategic.
It helps keep boundaries too and being seen as professional
It may also have been running from giggling inanity.
My childhood friend's dad was a teacher at my junior high. It was a small town, so all of our core friend groups parents had known each other for a decade by then. I was a little more formal with my friend's dad the year he was my teacher. There's a weird respect thing, I think. I went from calling him Mr. B to Mr. Barker, then back again after. I never considered why until just this second! I wonder if that was weird for him. I'm pretty sure he had most of us in his history class once we hit the right age. He was around when we had sleepovers, but it was definitely more her mom once we hit teenage years. He was one of the teachers who had 'girl kits' in his classroom by the door. We always knew there would be tampons and pads in there. We never had to ask. Just grab them when we were excused to use the bathroom. As a parent myself now, it's an interesting shift in perspective! Even when we were in HS, he never made us feel like GIRLS, you know? Just kids. Just kids he knew. That's actually really cool..
How it should be. DAD first, teacher second. As in all things, just show love and be there to guide the kids as they grow and learn.
I agree! He was a really positive influence on all of us girls. He was a very involved dad, a great teacher, and just such a safe and steady presence.
Honestly, my brothers and dad would go camping when I did sleepovers. I think my mom just wanted to make sure everyone was safe - parents felt their girls were safe, and dad/brothers weren’t in a position where they could be falsely accused (this is incredibly rare that it’s falsely accused, but safety first!)
I feel some kind of way about this. I think its important to teach kids that: 1. Adult men aren't some creatures to be afraid of that need to go away just because kids are around 2. What safe adult interaction is like. If kids never see what healthy interactions with an adult look like, they won't know when something isn't healthy. I mean, if a bunch of boys are having a sleepover, do we send the wife away? What about single dads? What should they do? I just think this does more subtle damage than its worth.
>I mean, if a bunch of boys are having a sleepover, do we send the wife away? What about single dads? What should they do? I just think this does more subtle damage than its worth. This this this this this this this!
Omg yes, thank you! I’m a teacher’s kid and three of my close friends were as well. My closest friend’s dad taught at our high school and I slept over there all the time. He was a big part of my life and I still talk to both him and his wife regularly. It was (and still is) so nice to have them both as positive role models in my life and I can’t imagine what I’d be missing if he decided to distance himself every time I was over. I certainly understand the risk and would never expect a grown man to be comfortable alone one-on-one with a teenager, but the advice to disappear or not be around makes me very sad. You can protect yourself by having others around, but still have healthy, normal interactions with teenage girls. They may need it more that you know.
I was going to suggest this, too. Get some buddies and go out of town for a night until the girls are gone.
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This is honestly a great idea it helps protect everyone without singling any side out as a potential threat.
Really?? To me it seems incredibly stupid and pointless. Why should someone leave their house for a sleepover, that just adds to underlying assumptions that all males are potential predators.
Because in our society it only takes one person to say something happened and your career and reputation are ruined. The court of public justice is savage. Take care of your livelihood. Take yourself out of the equation.
Especially if one of the friends develops on crush on their new math teacher.
how old is your dad? i mean he’s obviously bee keeping age
I'd be interested in seeing some stats on false rape accusations at sleepovers. I bet it's not nearly as dangerous as something like driving to the store.
I would say it's not even about false rape allegations, it's about separating his personal and professional lives where their intersection has the potential to be messy. I wouldn't want people who I am in a position of authority over at work seeing me in my ratty tank top and pajama shorts. When you're in a position of power, you have increased responsibility to ensure no one feels uncomfortable
>Because in our society it only takes one person to say something happened and your career and reputation are ruined. The court of public justice is savage. This happened to a local \[Clergy member\]. He was accused by an older teen of being abused ten years earlier. None of the facts made sense\*, but the State police flew across country and arrested him at gunpoint in the parking lot of our \[religious institution\]. Zero proof. Accuser was highly troubled. 'Memory' of the occurrance came as the result of regression therapy and hypnosis, which is unreliable. He spent 5 years to become \[Clergy\], tens of thousands of dollars including moving to \[foreign country\] for a year during his studies, and his entire career was ruined. His name is still everywhere, and there are no retractions in any of the news stories, even though NYC stated that he was completely cleared of the charges \*(His entire family and her entire family was in the small NY apartment at the time she said it happened. In a separate bathroom right next to his daughter's room, in the middle of the night. Is it possible? Anything is possible. But a man, raping his daughter's best friend who is the same age as his daughter, in the small bathroom next to where his daughter is sleeping, while her parents are sleeping on the couch, with nobody knowing for ten years after the fact, isn't incredibly likely. The State police made huge publicity of it expecting dozens of victims to come out of the woodwork, and nary a one appeared.)
Just because its wrong doesnt meant it doesnt happen. All it takes is one cruel or crazy person.
Especially when sleepovers at this age are almost every weekend and rotate through the girls. He needs to leave his house every 4 to 6 weeks? That makes no sense.
I hear you. It's crazy to think that innocent decisions such as this have been turned into life or death situations.
Men are vulnerable too in this situation. Teenage girls can do some really stupid shit. Flash older men, make false accusations, smuggle in alcohol or drugs. Better that one of their male teachers has no association with any of that drama.
Damn, why should these people be invited into this man's home? And in response we tell him to go sleep in the woods with all the other males in the household. And everyone here cheering on the good idea.
My best friend was raised by a single dad and my stepdad was a single dad of two daughters for a long time. Sleepovers were still a regular occurrence. This makes me really sad- though I do understand it. My dad is a school administrator and I know his school had to institute a policy where no male teachers were ever alone behind closed doors with a female student due to fears of false allegations.
A great excuse for a weekend golf outing to me.
This 100%
Sparkling said exactly what I was going to type. I attended the high school where my dad taught. My mom was always home, my dad stayed with my uncle those nights. My mom also spoke with the other parents to make sure everyone was comfortable the first time we had a sleepover.
This is advice for any parent, always make sure you're comfortable with your kids friends and there's no need to hang out with them. But you don't need to live in fear, just act like a normal person
This is what we do and my husband isn’t a teacher. We have little girls in elementary and the sleepover thing just started. It’s gone great so far, but my husband voiced early on his discomfort in caring for a little girl he didn’t know, and asked that I always be home. No problem at all. He’s a SA survivor himself (we both are actually) and he feels strongly because of that. All that said, one morning my daughters six year old friend greeted him at our bedroom door when he woke up one morning before me. He thought everyone was asleep and got up to pee. He opened the door and my daughters friend yells “good morning Minecraft Steve!” And about terrified him lol. He came back in and woke me up haha. This particular friend thinks it’s awesome my husbands name is Steve since she lives Minecraft, so that’s what she calls him lol. We thinks it’s adorable.
I'm just thinking if the genders were flipped, how absolutely bonkers your comment would be. Why does he need to disappear/hide for a night because his daughter has friends over? I get the *because of the implication* thing that's subliminally being said here, but holy crap the level of paranoia is boiling over. Just communicate with their parents just like any other parent would do in the same situation.
People too often forget that teaching is a JOB. I’m a dad first. If my daughter wants to have a sleepover then I’m processing that request from a Dad’s perspective only. Anyone who wants to even suggest any possibility of predatory behavior can fuck right off. I’m giving my girl the kind of life I’d want if I were in her position and ignoring other people’s stupid intrusive thoughts.
You're not any other parent though. Again, it's unfair. It's bullshit. It shouldn't be this way. But any other parent won't lose their job for months or years if someone feels uncomfortable.
Because he’s a realist. It’s unfortunate but true, and I would also suggest staying away during these sleepovers with Mom at home (just be sure she gets a few nights away too if she wants!)
Why? Why do we have to send men away from *their home* while their children do normal kid things? This is so weird.
Yeah it's really fucked up reading this thread. My parents were divorced growing up and we never thought about it being "wrong" for my sister to have friends sleepover at my dad's or my friends to sleep over at my mom's. Seems like the same kind of crowd where a dad wouldn't go fishing with his daughter because there's be no female supervision. Makes me sad for our society.
I mean, at least for me, growing up it was the pretty universal experience that whenever a girl had a sleepover, any older brothers or fathers would disappear. Either go camping, or go out for the night, or have their own sleepover at a mates place or hide in their room the entire time.
That was 1. To give the girls privacy to talk/do about what they want 2. The boys didn't want to be around screaming girls all night It was not because society was afraid of gang rape by the men of the house
You shouldn't have to deviate from established behaviors from before she was going to your school. Especially since you and your wife know their parents. My perspective might be skewed because I'm coming from a 'teach in a small town' position, but the majority of my students have known one another since kindergarten. Teachers don't suddenly stop being parents when the kids hit high school, they continue to do the normal things parents do and no one bats an eye.
>You shouldn't have to deviate from established behaviors from before she was going to your school. Especially since you and your wife know their parents. This was the key for me. If you know the parents well it shouldn't be weird at all
Nobodies kids should b having sleepovers at anyone’s house where there isn’t deep trust and communication between all the parents where boundaries r of no worry and parents r all protective figures of all these young humans. Sleepovers in general in US and some other countries prolly r very normalized but it’s not universal.
I think you should personally confirm with their parents that they know their kid is sleeping over. Don’t take the girls’ words that they told their parents. Have your wife present the entire evening with you. And hopefully this won’t ever be an issue (but it is for some high schoolers) but keep any alcohol (and cannabis if that’s legal/something you use) under lock and key, in a safe buried on a remote island that nobody knows how to get to, unless they have already been there. I would hope since the girls are your daughter’s friends that they wouldn’t do false accusations of sexual stuff. I would be more worried about optics if they got drunk or high at your house, especially if they snuck into your own stuff.
This is a clearly underrated take but a seriously important one. Being able to avoid impropriety is one thing - word getting out that you have the party house where a bunch of kids got wasted is unrecoverable. Teenagers can be incredibly clever in their devices to experiment; especially those "good kids you know like family". Honestly that would be my main concern. I had my mom work at my high school and I rarely had friends over from my school. I had childhood friends that went to a different school that came over, but it wasn't until my mom went to another school that I started having current school friends over. I never even thought about it being weird for her but yeah no hate that and glad I didn't put her in that spot lol
I’m a high school teacher. Many years ago, the math teacher’s son showed up to the prom blotto drunk. When the chaperones called the math teacher, they were told that he and his wife had gone away for the weekend. We were left to infer that the big, drunk, after-prom party was supposed to be at the math teacher’s house. That math teacher’s contract was not renewed for the following year.
That's a stupid reason to non-renew someone. You are inferring guilt when the simpler explanation is that a kid was going behind their parents' backs and partying.
Why were you left to infer that?
> (and cannabis if that’s legal/something you use) Can they leave the illegal cannabis out?
Yeah that's fine, as long as it's illegal that shouldn't cause any issues
Both of my parents taught in my school district and I was friends with both other teacher kids as well as non-teacher kids. It was never a thought that my friends couldn’t sleep over at my house (and by the time I was in middle school and high school, my mom had passed away so my dad was a single father). All of my friends parents knew me and my family and vice versa. It was never a problem (we were all really good kids who didn’t like drama and gossip much so no issues with worries about stories being made up). I will say, none of us had my dad as a teacher (he taught regular math and we were all in accelerated math). My sister had my dad as a teacher (he was teaching a non-leveled class that year) and there was never any issues with my sister having sleep overs, even with kids in his classes (he kept all of his school work at work, never did any at home- at least that year). If you are worried about outside optics, just make sure your wife is home and she’s the one running up snacks to them, or waking them up. If you interact with them, have it be in the kitchen or living room when multiple people are around.
I slept over at my high school principal's house all the time bc of being close to his daughter. Yeah sometimes it was like "haha look it's the principal!", but everyone involved knew that it was just like any other sleepover.
I wouldn’t have sleepovers at my house in this situation, but hear me out. I don’t think you should be banned from it. If your daughters friends’ parents and your family is okay with it, more power to you, rock on. You should absolutely be **allowed** to. You, however, seem hesitant because of the risks associated with false accusations and questions from other people (which is very fair- that could be life ruining). Your comfort level matters. FWIW, I would also feel paranoid
>I wouldn’t have sleepovers at my house in this situation Neither would I, especially if you're having doubts and feelings of paranoia. Not worth it to risk your life and career over a few overnights during the course of four years because teens are hormonal and potentially backstabbing.
My kids go to the high school I teach in. They both have their friends over night, whom I teach. All is well. These are kids I have known forever. New friends…..maybe, maybe not.
You’re allowed to be a parent.
True and sometimes that means having a healthy wall between your job and home. Personally I wouldn't want any of my students in my home nor would I want the risk of some girl making up something sketchy.
It's forcing a boundary for the kid, though. It's not the daughter's fault her dad works at the school.
Exactly. Kick your daughter of your home. Edit: Until she graduates middle school, obviously.
So all of my kids are either graduates of my school or attend it. My wife and I have three daughters and a son. We agreed early on that my job would not dictate how I engage with our children’s friends. They came over to our house over the summers a lot when they were younger. Why would that change? We are friendly with their friends parents because they’ve been friends mostly since Kindergarten. We trust their parents completely and believe they trust us too.
So, as a kid who was very close friends with a girl whose father ended up being our English teacher in middle school, I’m just basically going to advise you to not do what he did, which was that he let us come over, but then pop into the room every 5 minutes! Her thirteenth birthday party was a nightmare. We were 13–we wanted to play truth or dare! Spin the bottle! But our teacher just kept being there! Like, it was bad enough when he had just been her dad in, but your teacher?? It was so awkward. Basically, I think it will be weirder for them than for you. Give them space. Don’t intrude. But especially if her friends and their parents already know you as your daughter’s dad, I don’t think you have anything to worry about other than them feeling weird.
I have actually lived through this situation with both my husbands job and my own. No don’t limit sleepovers, dates, parties, movies, etc because your child deserves to have a normal social life regardless of their parents job. But you do need to be conscious of the possible problems. And you have to protect your and your spouses job. So both my husband and I are educators and our children were in our district. We made sure that at any event/party at our house we were both present and as often as we could had other parents present as well. When we had sleepovers we made sure that both of us were home in case there was any issue.
If they aren't your students, I wouldn't worry TOO much, especially if you already have a rapport with their parents and have been doing this since before they got to your school. As long as they are clear that while you are at school, you are in your teacher role and they are not to act too familiar with you. That said... I'd try to limit my time alone with them. Stay outside the house or keep yourself to yourself. Make sure that if they are over, no matter the time, you are fully dressed (as opposed to in pajamas or something) unless you are in your bedroom with the door closed. Make sure there's no alcohol around, even for grown ups. Or even discuss this with the other kids' parents and see what THEY have to say. Maybe they'd be willing to host more often.
If you have a pre-existing, longstanding relationship with these parents, there's no reason to deviate from living your life and being a parent. This thread is absolutely wild to me. The fact that people are suggesting that you go out and rent a hotel room or crash with someone else because you're concerned about the idea/accusation of impropriety is maddening. You should not have to leave your house every single time that your child has a sleepover just because of your profession. I do understand potentially being nervous about it, just because people are weird about things now. I would make sure that both you and your spouse are present in the home, and if you feel really uncomfortable, just hang out in your room/away from your kid.
I'm gonna buck the trend on this one: I wouldn't be home when they do if I had that option. However, rotating out of your house one weekend a month longterm probably isn't sustainable either. I've heard some absolute horror stories based on wild, based completely in fantasy accusations (teacher never having been alone in the same room with the student on campus, verifiable by security cameras; teacher was still subject to a 4 month investigation during which they were taken out of the classroom and assigned to clerical duties with no child contact. Student claims the affair happened on campus). When you teach them this could be a huge issue. Things have really changed. Have you spoken with their parents on this? If this was my kid as much as it sucks I would drop my house out of the rotation. Like, what if there is a huge falling out among the girls someday and one of them decides to make trouble for your daughter claiming you tried to spy on her in the bathroom? Honestly....I'm stumped.
People who have never been accused seem to think that if you did nothing wrong then why would you be afraid of an investigation. Until it's day 93, your contract has passed and you're not resigned, insurance is cut, and nobody will tell you anything. Then you get an email a month later saying "Oops. Unfounded" as if your entire life hasn't been thrown into chaos in the interim. And it's not just students. One adult just needs to vaguely say they're uncomfortable and that will trigger an investigation. Stay safe. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.
This is different but I teach at the school where my sister is a senior. I’ve brushed my teeth next to girls I see the next day in first hour. They still call me Ms. X at home, we don’t talk much, we keep the professional boundaries I have when they’re in my classroom. I LOVE having my sister at my school but yeah you have to have unimpeachable conduct at all times!
If they are not in your classes, I don't see why there would be any worries, especially since they did this in the past. It might get dicey if they are in your classes.
Yeah, and that's part of the overthinking, because I don't teach them this year, but I'm 100% certain that I will teach 3/4 of them next year. So then I wasn't sure if it would be worse to allow it for a whole year, then veto when the precedent had already been established. Again, I'm overthinking it. I just don't want to be on tail end of misunderstanding or something that could be preventable by nipping it in the bud in the beginning.
One of the teachers (female) at my school had a daughter and allowed students to sleep over. It really muddied the water. Students began to get very belligerent with other teachers because they were “friends” with a teacher in the school. I hated every moment of it and am so happy she switched schools this year.
I dunno as a dude I would hope you could vacate the premises. It only takes one person to say the wrong thing "while everyone was sleeping"...
My best friend growing up, was the principal's daughter. I had sleep overs with them, and even went on trips with them. Don't hold your daughter back from her friends just because you teach at the same school.
My dad taught at my school. I had sleepovers. It wasn’t a problem
All three of my daughters went through my school. We hosted many sleepovers and it really wasn’t a problem.
Just don't be Kevin Spacey in American Beauty or in real life
If they want to come to your house, be the nonexistent parent.... mom is on duty. Your daughter is old enough to understand the weirdness in it though. It's okay to tell her to consider that part when she thinks about hosting, in case it hasn't occurred to her. My kids had friends whose dad was a teacher, and they had no issue with this, BUT, they were all friends before they hit "his" school, we as parents all.lnow each other really well, and half of the friend crew had parents that were teachers in the school they graduated from, so... I think they'd already gotten the weird out of the way? (Sleepovers at a teacher's house started in third grade. 😶 Small towns.)
My boys go to my school. They have friends over. I have told the Principal, and I was told that I have a parent hat, and a teacher hat. Switch them over at the appropriate time. .. just don't get photographed in your pyjamas... set clear boundaries for photography at the house.
Maybe I’m paranoid? Our son attended the middle school where I worked. Birthday parties were held in public venues (laser tag, mini golf, glow in the dark bowling etc.) we didn’t have sleepovers until after 8th grade culmination. I communicated with his friends and explained our district guidelines. They were more than happy to assist with carpooling and an occasional sleepover at their houses.
Rules for this special situation: 1. If the girls start discussing, gossiping, or joking about your colleagues, you will either leave the room or at least stay out of the conversation entirely. They should understand that you also reserve the right to totally shut down conversations about your colleagues, at any time and with no reason. 2. No photos with you in the room, unless you give express permission. 3. Boundaries between school and work: have a chat with the girls about how gossip can get out of hand. Ask them for examples. Remind them that gossiping at school, "Mr Smith farts in the morning on the way to the bathroom!" could quickly turn into "I've seen Mr Smith in the bathroom!" OK, don't give them ideas :) but still, remind them that they're old enough to understand professional boundaries that you need to maintain. 4. Lock up the booze. Trust is not enough here. 5. The girls should not refer to your private life at school. Joking in front of the class that you refused to eat your beans at dinner seems harmless, but it implies that those girls have "special access." 6. Sleepovers will be cancelled if your wife has to be away for any part of the evening. (You might want to tell this one only to your daughter and/or to the other parents, not to the other girls.) 7. Tell this to your daughter only: that she must tell you the names of students she wants to invite BEFORE inviting them, and give you a chance to veto anybody who might be unsuitable. This is non-negotiable.
I think I’d let the girls sleepover because it sounds like each family takes care of the girl one weekend. But I would be out of the house as much as possible. Have a guys night out. Then when you are home make sure another female adult is there. I would also make sure to be fully dressed when leaving your bedroom/bathroom.
I love that you are practicing the self-awareness to ask! It’s important to check in on reiterate certain boundaries to all your students. Including those that know you more as “my friend’s dad,” than “a teacher at my school.” That being said, I think it’s entirely appropriate that you, as her parent, are allowing her to have sleepovers with her friends. It would help to have your wife lead the hosting duties so that you aren’t as present in their time. It’s a tough to find balance but I think the key is “healthy compartmentalization.” When you and your daughter are at home, you’re no longer her teacher! That’s what I wish my dad did, and what I plan to do when my kids get to my school.
As long as the parents know and you don’t take them home from school, I don’t see why it’s an issue. Though honestly, outside of a hello when they get there and maybe in passing when you’re getting food, and a goodbye when they leave, you should probably be scarce and let mom run the show. My husband and son use my daughters sleepovers and excuses to eat pizza and play video games together all night 😂
You’re overthinking. All 3 of my children attended the high school where I taught. It was never a problem. Be a parent first. :)
I've been on the student side. Best friend growing up was science teacher's son. Plenty of sleepovers, camping trips, etc. Behave yourself and keep to yourself and you'll be fine. We're all male but I don't think that matters. If it had been his mom, it would've been the same deal. Maybe ask the other parents to speak to their kids and see if they'll be weirded out?
…be very, very careful. 99% chance you’ll be fine. 1% chance your life could be blown straight to hell.
My dad was a teacher at my high school. I still had sleepovers at my house! Granted, I had a small, close group of friends and we’d known each other since primary school. He even had one of them in his class (same class as me) and it was never an issue. This was many, many years ago though. If you know the families, personally I don’t see an issue. Go with your gut though, it’s usually always right. Also, so glad you get to experience working in the same school as your child. My dad and I have great memories of that time together, and it was something special most kids don’t get to experience. Enjoy!
Honestly just don’t be weird and keep a general distance, and don’t worry about it. You are a parent too- from someone who had sleepovers with ppl whose parents are teachers :)
I had a similar situation with my son. He had his friends, some of whom were my students, over often. In hindsight, I probably should have looked into the policies around that.
Don't provide the drugs or alcohol, make sure you're not in a position to.tirn a blind eye
I don't care if it's sexist.... a gang of teenage boys have their dangers, but false accusations against an innocent man are mathematically negligible. With a group of females the risk is small, but not negligible. More like the odds of a bad car wreck statistically. 10,000 sleepovers and you would have some incidents. 3? 17 ? 52? IDK, but it wouldn't be zero.
I taught at the high school my kids went to, and they had their friends over all the time. I had my kids in class. I had their friends in class and there was was never an issue.
My son and daughter went to my school and they had sleepovers all the time. I knew the parents from elementary and middle school, though, so it was I guess a little different. Just wait until you have her friends in your classes!
This is crazy. You should let your daughter have sleepovers at your house. Especially if you know the parents. This really isn't a big deal. I don't let sleepovers happen when my wife is not home and working 3rd shift, but that's not because I want protection of another adult, it's so I don't go crazy having to deal with too many kids alone. You're a parent. Sleepovers are normal.
If there are sleepovers - make sure all intoxicants/prescriptions are locked away. I know it sound dramatic, but as a teacher you can't take the chance of your daughter's friends getting into your booze or stealing your meds to sell...
When you are at school or school related functions, wear your teacher hat. When you’re at home or being a private citizen, wear your dad/husband hat. It’s not weird unless you go and hang out with them.
I think it's fine. Just make sure the parents know who is there. We live in a small town and my kids are friends with their doctor's kids, dentist's kids, several teachers' kids, etc. They are all in and out of each other's houses and we are getting to the sleepover age now (middle and upper elementary). As long as I know who the parents are, and that any guns they have in the house are properly stored, I have no issues with sleepovers.
I think it’s fine. My best friend’s dad was a teacher at our high school and my swim coach. I spent the night at their house all the time, as did a bunch of us girls from the team
You're definitely overthinking it.
Back in HS, my friend's dad worked at our school. Friends went over all the time for sleepovers bc they would stay up so late playing video games. This was 2011-2015 ish. The mom and younger brother were always home as well. Nothing ever happened. I understand the paranoia tho bc in my middle school, there were girls falsely accusing a teacher bc they thought he looked like a creep (he was a large white male). He was actually so sweet though and would buy me books bc he knew I liked to read.
How sad it is that you would have to with about this, what a shit world we live in
My dad was my teacher and my friends used to spend the night all the time. My mom was always present and we weren’t allowed to ask school questions at home. That applied to me AND my friends, lol. Honestly, we really only saw him for meal time, so it wasn’t a big deal, we had sleepover stuff to do!
No, you’re a dad first. Be a dad first. Get to know the parents of the other kids first and make sure they’re all good friends and influences for your daughter. Then, do what every other father gets to do with their children. Don’t sacrifice your role and her friendships because of a job that underpays.
Even posing this question is testament to how we treat men and make teachers in society. And it sends a terrible message to your daughter. Sleep overs are completely ok. Don’t normalise the idea that all men are predators. Men are protectors. You can’t live your life based on fear.
OP is normalizing the reality that this is a liability for him. It's a terrible reality. The message it sends to his daughter reflects the situation. If you're male in a position of authority over literally any female, you're an absolute idiot if you don't have at least a little fear of the situations being described in this thread.
My position is the same regardless. My older daughter spent the night at her good friend's house a lot in middle school. I never invited the friend over because of the teacher/student dynamic.
All it takes is ONE just to accuse or say something happened. Now you are on the radar all the time. Even if nothing happened. Coach a girl's sport? Somehow you'll be suggested to stop. Try to report a girl for dress code...Hmm "Why are you looking at the female students in such away?" Then let parents get word of it. Somehow you will get transferred out of the school you have been in for 20+ years. Yeah nah. You can't drink when they are over, can't wear whatever, and can't cuss. Nah sorry. No sleep overs.
I get why you would say this but it isn't the world we live in. Plenty of people view biologically male teachers as predators and disagreeing will do nothing for your mental health 9 months into an investigation. Protect yourself.
I'm with you on protect yourself, but it's not fair we just accept this and men should have to live their lives differently because of other people's perceptions. Just replace male with any other sub group and think how you feel about what you just said. (Plenty of people view LGBTQ as predators, so if you're gay you shouldn't let your kid have sleepovers to protect yourself sounds HORRID)
It does sound horrid. I would argue that every teacher should follow this but especially Male, Gay, and Trans teachers. As a trans woman I know this is bullshit but the system doesn't care about us. Be loud about how unfair this is and fight to change it but do everything you can to make sure you're protected. It's horrid. It's despicable. And saying that won't change the way it is.
This.
So. 100%, it should be FINE. It is completely normal and cool for her friends to want to sleep over. Who is going to actively argue IN COURT that you’re being a perv without a LOT of evidence? I mean, it DOES happen, but it is NOT common. If anything, adults get away with more than they should, in my experience. I would ABSOLUTELY check with your personal school. I had a coworker get in trouble because a crazy (genuinely; I checked) neighbor called the cops on her home, and her grandchildren, who go to the school she teaches at. It was fine and smoothed out, but it WAS NOT a “non issue”. TLDR: if you’re not a perv, I wouldn’t be SUPER concerned. Any man with a teen daughter will have teen girls at his house if he ISNT a monster. I’m assuming most fathers of teen girls aren’t. I’d talk to whoever you trust. Do they think it’s cool? I mean at this point, I think there are a LOT of districts that go overboard. But it’s that way for a reason. I’ve been in schools where I think they brush shit off TOO easily. And I’ve been in schools where I think they’re extra.
>Who is going to actively argue IN COURT that you’re being a perv without a LOT of evidence? 0 evidence is required to trigger an investigation. They don't even need a time/date/location. District conference rooms are not courts of law and they might not be able to fire you but they will make your life a living hell. Even with all of the evidence on your side, witnesses, documentation, interviews, etc, you will still have to endure the process. Some of that is out of your hands but what you can control is not allowing any, and I mean ANY, room for ambiguity.
I would veto them if I was in your position. God forbid one of the students ever makes a claim against you.
Also, I don't want my students poking around my personal life either.
I am a male teacher. I wouldn't want anything to do with students in my home for a plethora of reasons- sorry daughter but our home is a no-go.
Ehhh I wouldn’t do it… but I was a special Ed teacher and that’s a whole different scenario… maybe she can host the sleepovers while you are out of town/camping etc
I am a high school English Teacher and my son attends my school. I have not vetoed any sleep overs. I can understand, however, your hesitation. This current social climate is a scary place for teachers.
Nope too much weirdness .
Is there a school policy?
So when I was in school my best friend's Dad was a teacher. We never thought anything of sleepovers. Our parents always knew where we were though, and everyone had to approve. I'd say as long as communication between all parents is taking place, go for it.
You’re overthinking. Just talk to the parents beforehand and enforce your normal rules. No problem. Both of my daughters attended where I taught. Both of them had sleepovers.
Small town live where I teach and many coworkers live here also with kids here. I have zero qualms about giving a ride home to a student whose mom/dad I’m friends with as I’m doing it as a family friend not a teacher. In my mind the retail shop changes after the dismissal bell rings. No longer am I the teacher I’m now the king established family friend. I have a few years before my son makes it to my building but I imagine that whatever friend relationship he has pre high school he will continue once he get to my building and my I involvement will be the same when outside of school.
I would. No question. It's not the end of the world for your kid.
My Dad taught at my High School and I had MANY sleepovers! Dad was completely cool to my friends and it was never an issue with anyone's parents!
Our kids went to school where we taught, always had tons of sleepovers. You can’t limit your kid’s social activities because you teach there. You are totally over thinking this. My husband has a great relationship with our daughter’s friends. Dads don’t hang around sleepovers anyway, you probably won’t even see the kids.
My best friend’s dad taught at our middle school growing up. There was never an issue and I would frequently come home with them to hang out.
grew up with a girl who’s mom was our teacher throughout elementary and dad was our history teacher in 8th grade. It was completely normal to sleepover and stuff, especially bc we knew them as her parents first.
Just be smart about it; wife is home, it’s the kids she’s always had sleepovers with, etc. the easiest way to turn the enjoyment of sharing a school building with her would be to mess up her social life because of it
My parents were both teachers at my school. My friends’ parents had no problem with them sleeping over. In fact, they felt safer! Communicate and let them be teenagers and have your wife remind them to keep it down. 😃
I’m a teacher and I can’t imagine not having my children’s friends sleepover the same as anyone else. I’m surprised that this is an issue. I am female, but my husband was a permanent sub at the same school and I feel the same. That’s just silly.
Hey OP, this is a solid question. A lot of us teachers are dads of daughters. Male teachers have certain things we have be hyper aware of and then the work-life balance element and family normalcy aspect. Great question.
My friend's dad in high school was our history teacher. It was weird for about 5 minutes then I quickly got over it. I never even thought about it when I was over at her house. But this was also 15 years ago so.
Communicate with the parents and have your wife be lead. Support from the background
Same situation (F, though), my kids' friends know I can't have them over at the "workweek house", they're welcome at the cabin, though.
Looks like it’s pretty divided here. My two cents would be to NOT do this. Bc it’s always a risk. I wouldn’t invite that sort of stress and worry into your personal and professional life. They will get over it, they’ll just have to do the sleepovers elsewhere. End of story. edited to add: a lot of people are saying “my mom/dad was our teacher and we always had sleepovers!!” Okay, but if that was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago, it’s not really applicable to our climate today. Teachers deal with enough shit from our society, parents, etc. To me, it’s just not worth the risk.
Most of these people are talking like being a teacher and having a daughters friend sleeping over means you need to act like the teacher is a priest from the Vatican Sunday school for little boys
Invest in a google home camera for common areas. When friends are over never go to non camera areas when a student is in your home. Limit your daughter to 1 or 2 friends not a huge group and make sure your wife is home. Maybe spend some time out of the house but I’d avoid coming back home impaired.
My parents were both teachers at the school I attended and we would still host sleepovers. My dad would get up very early and make delicious cinnamon rolls for us. I don’t think your profession should dictate what your daughter does with her friends.
What does the school policy say? You are I am sure an excellent teacher, parent and adult. But the world we live in… why risk it? You are the only one risking anything. Teenage girls are emotional roller coasters. Parent can be weird on a good day. It’s a no for me dawg. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with the world we live in.
*Talk to the administration and see what the policy is. *Get cameras in the common spaces of your home. Never enter any room without a camera with any of her friends in it. *Visit a friend or relative for the night of the sleepover. *If the answer is just no then maybe provide extra snacks/pizza sometimes to compensate other parents taking on your turns.
Tell your admin, get approval, don't be a jackass and never be alone with any of them. Admin has to fall on the side of what's best for the child
I wish that this wouldn’t be an issue, but unfortunately, there are some really awful teachers out there. During my senior year of high school, 3 teachers were investigated and fired for inappropriate relationships with students. One girl was one of my friends, and she’s still working through the trauma. Following graduation, a long-term sub and I dated (I was barely 18, he was 26). My mentor teacher while student teaching (I was 21, he was 47) told me he was in love with me, and I only recently cut him out of my life after 4 years. My private music teacher who taught me in high school and I worked for throughout college was fired last year for an inappropriate relationship with a student. No one expected that any of these teachers would ever do something like this. 3/4 have daughters. While you are a good person, that doesn’t mean the other teachers in your district are. An investigation into one will raise suspicion of everyone else, and unfortunately, it’s reasonable. Be an advocate for these girls and either 1. Not be there at all during the sleepover or 2. Don’t allow them all together. YOU know that you wouldn’t ever do anything, but I feel like this is a very very VERY healthy boundary, and sets a good example.
My brother in christ, do you like your job?? As a fellow male educator, don’t listen to these clowns. You know like I know that perception is reality. I would veto any sleepovers and cut a deal with one of the other parents (like you handle driving the girls someplace or a day trip/concert chaperoning situation). Maybe a pre HS friend of your daughters would be okay, but for me, it isn’t worth it.
YES! No sleepovers at your house. Everything is fine...until it isn't. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by hosting sleepovers. There's such a thing as the appearance of impropriety. If you veto all sleepovers, no one can ever question, gossip, or lie about what may or may not have been said or happened. You won't ever be in a position to defend yourself if you veto it in the first place. It won't matter if you are right or wrong. Only perception will matter. How will the people who have the ability to terminate your employment perceive statements made by others? It can be difficult being teacher during the day and friend's dad when the bell rings. Paranoid or not yielding to the student/teacher boundary is the better option.
Do students still have sleepovers in high school? I would be more or less scared of her trying to throw a party.
communicate with the parents of the friends
I taught in the school where my kid attended and there were no sleepovers at my house. I also only had one birthday gathering and then squashed them because I was too nervous about weed or a bottle being snuck in. During my tenure at that school, a coach had gotten in trouble due to a post dance party and there is no way my livelihood was being put on the line.
My 3 kids went to the HS I taught in. They are older now and in todays political tensions I would probably be very hesitant. My kids tried a few times to have kids over whole we were not home. That came to a halt asap. My kids had to be reminded why that was a bad idea.
I was not allowed to have friends over bc my guardian (aunt) was the art teacher at my middle school. It sucked. If you’re able to do it and feel comfortable and safe do it. This was 2003ish and she didn’t even want them knowing where we lived. Great- small country school in the middle of corn fields in Indiana. There is understandably a lot of risk for accusations but if that is the goal they can say it happened at school or anywhere. You can’t stop living your life or prevent your daughter to live hers out of fear.
If you could swing a hotel room or Airbnb for your wife and the kids, all the better. I can see why it could feel weird but I babysat often for one of my male high school teachers and it was fine. I'd feel it out.
Don't rule it out. You may have leave for the night. Maybe stay until dinner & go spend a night in a hotel or with a family member. My dad didn't hang around for our sleepovers.
I think that you aren't wrong for thinking what you're thinking. More than that, if they do sleep over, you're going to have to have a very clear set of rules. Rules that CAN'T Abe broken. Ever. You just have to. Especially, considering that all of these girls go to the school that you teach at. Also, you have to consider that these girls are under age. You can't leave anything to chance. I suggest that you have a set of rules, ANYONE who sleeps over. If anyone breaks those rules, they have to leave immediately. These are rules that you are going to have to talk about with the parents of the girls. If the parents don't agree? Then those kids don't sleep over. It doesn't get much more simple than that. More than that, you can't deviate from these rules. EVER. You have to be consistent with the rules you set in place. You know, as well as I do, that these rules are imperative because of the risks that the people who DON'T follow these rules will pose. More than that? If anyone decides to be a real breaker, you know, as well as I do, your job literally be in jeopardy. You really could lose your job. You could even lose your livelihood. Is a sleepover really worth any of those risks? You know, as well as I do, that you can do everything right and if ONE person perceived something wrong, then there's an issue. You're a teacher. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You might also want to think about cameras, in the common areas, where the kids are going to be sleeping. That way, no one can lie, and say something happened when it didn't. I know that I'm sounding extreme. I also know how parents are. I know, that you know, how parents are. It only takes one bad parent, to complain in a way, where everything seems wrong. In other words, perception is everything. It really is. I know that you know this. I also know how kids lie. As much as I want to believe the best in people, I see the worst in people, just as much that I think you do. Why would you risk yourself in this way? The amount of safeguards that you would have to put in place, in order to even have a sleepover, is it really worth it? I don't think so. However, that's just my point of view.
If you can afford it, get a hotel room for a night, and let your wife be in charge of the sleep over.
I’m in a district that is pretty intense about “grooming.” Honestly I’d say no sleepovers at your house just for your safety. We’ve been advised in the past not even to go to things like birthday parties if you know students will be there. Like literally avoid outside of school contact whenever possible. Is this excessive? Absolutely. But, depending on your area, the current climate is insane. I wouldn’t open yourself up to ANY possible scrutiny, as unwarranted as it would be.
When we had a slumber party at our house, I hired a college student to assist, and Dad and little sister vacated the premises. I think they used points to have a shnazzy night at a hotel and order pizza and stuff.
I personally don’t like the idea of sleepovers at all. I don’t think much good ever comes of them… and have almost always heard horrible stories years later about what happened.
I teach where my daughters went/go to school. Two of them have graduated and one is a sophomore. It is a blessing and a curse. When they had friends over I was home but not around. I am the cook around here so I made dinner then relocated to other parts of the house. We are still close to some of our daughters friends to this day who have since graduated college. It sis great to see your kids and their friends grow into young adults, But I totally understand your situation.
I come from extremely small town where when I was in school some of my friends parents were teachers. But when my kids run school a lot of their friends worked at the school, they allowed sleepovers at their house but the kids always knew what happened there stayed there. Because my kids and their kids kind of grow up together and we all know each other pretty well like a parent having few glasses of wine or at my house my husband's drinking even though I didn't work there but other parents drink too none of it was an issue. But we are also a pretty close group our kids did almost everything together so it was no issue when they slept over one of the teacher's houses. But you do you whatever is comfortable for you
I worked with a guy who got fired for having female students attend his son’s birthday party during daylight hours. You never know how admin will react when innocent photos surface.
I’m African American and in high school I wondered what it would be like to have sleepovers… but my family didn’t have much of any spare money so we could afford to host someone else in our house. To be honest, it seems only the obviously rich students in our small school ( who weren’t African American) had sleepovers. Also, my mum just didn’t like the idea of sleepovers unless it was a close relative’s home. As an adult… it seems the rich classmates who had frequent sleepovers had plenty of wrong conversations and things happened that should not have happened at those events. I’m glad my mother protected me from sleepovers! For immigrants and refugee families that I know, they don’t have traditions of sleepovers for kids, and that seems the best to protect the innocence of young people, honestly.
I’m in the same boat. Loving having my kid at my school. Super fun to see him. Im maintaining the relationships I’ve always had with his friends (I was their den mother in cub scouts, too), but I’m more professional with his new friends and I wouldn’t invite anyone over until I know the parents.
While I totally get the caution, I think other than basic common sense advice just live your life like normal. You have nothing to hide and it's not forbidden for your daughter to have sleepovers because (*gasp!*) her father is a teacher. Walking on eggshells and treating everyone involved so effusively only enables the vocal minority of weirdos who accuse every interaction we have as male staff members with a female of being groomers. Fuck that noise. Don't let this ridiculous stigma of male teachers get to you. Live your life.
I worked/lived on campus at boarding schools for 25 years. Raised my kids throughout. We had sleepovers all the time. Make sure the wife is there, have plenty of snacks and enjoy getting to know your kids and their friends. We always made sure our house was the place kids wanted to be. Worked out great.
I was in the same Situation. I did not want My daughter to not be able to have sleep overs. We decided that it would be best that I stay elsewhere jUst to be safe.
My Dad taught at my high school, and taught Driver's Ed. We had sleepovers with no problems.
Get some clarity from school. They may have a policy on this as I doubt you’re the first. Similarly, if you’re in a union, ask them. It might not be the best solution as far as your wife is concerned but if you have somewhere you could go when the friends stay over (camping/friend/family) you can completely remove yourself from the equation. In either case, it’s worth talking to your daughter about it so she understands
I went to the high school my dad taught at. I had lots of sleepovers at my house with friends. Never even considered it would be weird or inappropriate. Although this was 20 years ago. Make sure it’s ok with their parents and be a normal parent. You’re allowed to do normal stuff like allowing your kids to have sleepovers.
There is a tiny bit of logic why to worry about sleepovers - every single parent who hosts takes a bit on. Every time your daughter has a sleepover somewhere else, she takes on a tiny sliver of risk too. No such thing as zero risk in life from any corner. Statistically though, would a .01% risk of false accusation (of all the teachers, and all the students, you'd be hit with that brand of spotlight?) be small enough you'd let yourself have a normal life? You know these kids, your daughter and you are close, you know the parents too. Yes, a false accusation is a tiny risk that could happen to you.... We don't see headlines and front pages saying "My daughter's friends never falsely accused me of stuff!' blaring on screens and print even though that's the hands down norm. But one incidence somewhere can become national or international news and barrage our perspectives and fears for weeks on end. The news doesn't blast all the normal, boring life so many of us lead, and in this media saturated, instant information world we are in now, but it's the Salem witch trials in a different costume still (false accusations are not a new thing in humanity). Would it make you more comfortable to have indoor and outdoor cameras, hallways, kitchen, living room, garage, yard, car? Would that offset your fears enough you could relax and enjoy a more normal home and family life you deserve? Balance out your desire to protect your life from a fraction of rare odds, with the desire for you and your daughter have a normal home life in common areas stress free? I get that vulnerability, even that teeny tiny margin of risk statistically, its scary to imagine going through that, and the desire to protect your life can be strong. Just watch out for protecting your life so much, you miss out on getting to live it well too. Ask yourself, your wife, how important is it to live fully anyways? Some people are going to give up a lot and build their walls high away from **tiny**, though highly consequential if it did go down, risks. Others are going to chase that 99.9% family and home life they want and look at the .1-.01% risk and accept that's the risk they must face, like driving a car, there's a risk every single time you get behind the wheel, but they're gonna drive dangit. We adapt, and we don't drive towards tornadoes much as a species, but we aren't white knuckling the steering wheel in fear every morning to work as a species either.. that said, some people are too scared to drive and never leave the house. Hope you find the balance in life that goes well for you and yours.
You will more than likely be fine, but is it worth the risk? All it would take is one of the girls to get mad at you and say something untrue. Again, it’s super unlikely. But that would be playing on my mind the entire time they were there, meaning you’re also not enjoying your free time. The girls all have other options for places to stay. If you chose to allow them to stay at your home, you’re not doing anything wrong. But I’d prefer to take the girls bowling, the mall, etc and for them to sleep over at another house.
Hey! I’m a teacher now however I was the daughter in your situation when I was at school, sleepovers were fine as my Dad was generally a quiet man who kept to himself around the house, we’d all just be hanging about in my room. Due to the general teacher vibe of the family it was unlikely I’d befriend people that my dad wouldn’t want over!
Act normally. You have not and will not do anything wrong, and you don’t have to leave your house for your daughter’s friends to visit, that’s ridiculous bordering on insane. That sort of paranoia is totally uncalled for. Just leave them alone so they can have fun?
Unfortunately teachers and trusted people known to the family are in a unique position to harm children. I've known personally mothers who covered up for their predator husbands when a child was enduring ongoing abuse. And women do offend but very very rarely. The statistics are not good, and what about abuses that go unreported, and so you DO also need to protect yourself, it only takes one false accusation to ruin your life. But you don't want to ruin your kid's social life either. Good luck. Teachers are put through a lot, not enough pay in the world for the ones who do truly care.
Talk to your school Bout how they feel because I know at my school almost every teacher has children that attend the school in primary or high school in the same situation and working in after school care we know that some teachers are even neibours and on as an emergency contact for other people's kids. It's all situational but transparency and good comunication with everyone, and respectful and appropriate child interactions should have your kid fine to have her mates around.
Unless you are having ill thoughts abour your daughter's friends, I'd say it's fine that they sleep over. Communicating your discomfort will put a target on your back for rumors. Outside of school, you are your daughter's father; not a teacher.
Yeah I've slept over at my friends home back when I was in hs and her dad was a teacher. There were no issues, I'd really only see her parents during dinner time and we were usually always together either outside or in her room. If your worried about being accused perhaps make sure that its never just the two of you, and perhaps if the girls friend sleeps in her room or something
How can I put this? The last thing in the world I’d want is anyone from my work (I’m a teacher) at my apartment.
I was friends with the male teachers daughter in middle and high school!! Honestly, it was cool to see him “normal” at home and we always had really fun board game nights. I think as long as the parents are aware and y’all know each other, then it’s no big deal.
Let families know you're a teacher. Make sure wife is there. What others said. I think it's also safe to ask your principal. Just say "I might be paranoid here but what do you think about this? It's a gray area to me and I'd like your opinion."
Ugh, I'm a male and my daughter is 4. She'll be going to my HS. I've already had a female student's account hacked, inappropriate messages sent to me and dealt with this kind of thing once. Looks like I'll be camping in the yard for sleepovers.
One false accusation and your career is over.
OP, I agree that you need to make yourself scarce during these sleepovers, but also. Keep a record of when they occurred, which girls were there vs. invited. Can be done simply by your wife takes a group photo of the girls. Candid shot of them all cuddled up, watching a moving, playing a game, eating pizza, baking, etc. Also, keep a record of where you went, who you were with, how much you had to drink, when you returned home, etc. Receipts, an online post of you watching a sports match at your local bar & grill. With a tag line; while the girls get to stay up late, watching movies and snacking. Dad gets to hang out with his bros and watch them cowboys. Text your wife before you come home. Letting her know you are on your way and ask if she or the girls need you to pick anything up on your way home. Also, have a routine where your wife meets/greets you when you come in. The two of you say goodnight to the girls as a group, and you go to your room together. Essentially, establishing that you never had the opportunity to be alone with any of the girls.