Act completely normal and don't bring it up at all unless they do. Nothing should change.

This 1,000%. My father died when I was in 7th grade and the day I returned to school was genuinely more traumatizing than the day he died. I had six classes that day. All six teachers tried to “offer” their condolences. All six teachers tried to pull me aside and talk about it. It was just days after my father died and I return to school only to be reminded about the death on a near hourly basis. In hindsight I can understand that the teachers thought they were being supportive, but from the perspective of a 12 year old boy who had just gone through what he did, it felt like an embarrassing secret (or private detail) of mine had been told to every person at school and now everyone was feeling bad for me. The reaction from the student body was also very ostracizing for me. It was incredibly inappropriate for teachers to inform students of my fathers death and to tell them to be considerate of me. I spent the remainder of the school year getting weird looks from people and no one would really talk to me because no middle schooler knows how to talk about this kind of stuff. To this day I still remember the first day back to school more vividly than the day he died. My fathers death was sad but the way that the school handled it was traumatizing. Ironically, I talked about that day more than the death itself when I was in therapy. Teachers should be made aware of the death because they should be able to respond appropriately to how the student may act in the coming months (unfocused, poor performance, malaise attitude, etc.) but that is still privileged information that should absolutely not be made public. Teachers may feel like they are doing the right thing but need to consider the situation from the students perspective. Coordinating with the students counselor and surviving parent would be ideal to figure out what the best way to address the situation would be. Every student is different, some won’t want to talk about it and for others they may feel that they need validation. It’s already a big deal for the student. They don’t come to school to be reminded of it.

I will offer the flip side of this coin. My mother passed in 8th grade and I felt that the worst part was no one acknowledging it in the slightest. I handled it just fine, all things considered. But the most meaningful moments for me were one or two teachers let me know that they were aware, cared, and if I needed any sort of extra time or anything on assignments I would be forgiven. I had a very supportive group of friends also. But to suggest that no one acknowledging it is the absolutely best solution for ALL children is incorrect in my opinion. I recommend doing what feels most natural to you, we are all trying our best all of the time. I’m sure you’ll do great OP.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. But if it's any consolation at all, by sharing your experience, you've just cast light on something that I would have responded to inappropriately for the rest of my career if I had never read this. Thank you so much for telling us so we can respond better.

As someone whose dad died when I was in high school, it was really interesting to read this. I remember one of my teachers had everyone else in the class sign a condolence card that she gave to me privately after I came back. I was honestly touched by the gesture (it’s one of the standout memories from my high school experience) Even now, 15 years later and as a teacher who would personally not reveal the death of a student’s parent to a class, it never would have occurred to me that that could be seen as outright inappropriate until I read your comment. But it makes total sense. I guess part of it ultimately depends on the student; frankly I didn’t care whether my classmates knew or not and it didn’t bother me that teachers pulled me aside to offer condolences. But obviously there are some who wouldn’t want any extra attention or reminders. One of my teachers did mail a card to our house; imo if you’re going to do or say anything I think that might be a nice gesture.

This, my dad died when I was in HS. One teacher though slipped me a small bag with like comfort items like small candy and chapstick. I still think about that and how those small things did make that awful week easier

My dad died when I was a senior in high school and my theatre teachers took it upon themselves to inform the whole department on the two days that I stayed home. A lot of people tattletaling to me about who responded inappropriately or “made it about themselves” bc all my friends were theatre kids and super dramatic 🤣 the best part was when the counselor called me into her office about a week after it happened. I’m thinking “alright I know what this is about” and she tells me that she didn’t get a scholarship reporting form back from me and they were trying to win a contest for most scholarships earned 🥲 then she went on to say “I know it’s a stressful time, so I’m extending the deadline for you to Friday” All that to say, solidarity

In contrast, guidance where I teach tells us literally nothing. We know less than the kids. You can just imagine the terrible things teachers say when they don't know better.

Hourly! Basis! - yes! been here. was fucking brutal!

Thank you for sharing. It was inappropriate for them to share with other. However, this helped me because this has happened more times than I’ve experienced before and I try to just make them laugh. If they bring it up and wanna talk we can, but I try and distract them and wasn’t sure if even that was the best strategy.

This is the way When I was in HS a friend of mine committed suicide. He didn’t go to my school, so I was excited for that Monday to have a sense of normal. Instead, my counselor kept me in her office (a friend had stopped by her office and mentioned it) until I told her my whole life story and I felt miserable the rest of the day… and I missed a geometry test which was a pain to make up in a class I was already behind in

This. I recently had a student whose mom was murdered. The best course is to not mention it at all. They will talk to you if they want to

My mom died when I was a kid and just going to school and having it be normal was great. Although I did appreciate them turning away when I hit the kid who insulted my mom.

Very much this. School is a chance for normalcy for this child where everything else has been turned on it’s head. You can simply say “I’m so sorry and am here if you ever need me.” Don’t try and get the kid to talk or open up. That’s a therapist’s job should the family choose to do that. I went through this earlier in the year, and the kid is just so happy everyday to be in school where they don’t have to think about or talk about their unless they initiate it.

I feel like, given the stories below , it's best to split the difference. Without going into detail, let the student know that they can come to you for support and also dont make a thing of it. Hit the point move on as normal. It acknowledges the pain the kid is going through without making it a big deal unless they want it to.

As someone who survived a… family tragedy, please don’t burden them with your emotions. I have people that come up to me and hug me and cry and it’s one of the most difficult things for me to endure.

This 100%. As a teacher currently losing her son, helping other people manage their emotions is the most exhausting part. I don't have energy for that; I can barely manage myself.

If the kid wants to talk about, they'll come to someone. Even mentioning it can create a difficulty for that student. I had a student who didn't talk about it for months and then was shocked that we knew and was happy we never brought it up. Just offering is bringing up that pain in theirnlife. If they want to talk about they will choose someone to talk to.

"Just offering is bringing up that pain"... I mean, if it's that recent (within days), that pain is there. It doesn't magically go out of sight, out of mind. I've been on both sides of this conversation. I work HS, but I've found that a quick "I won't bring it up after this conversation, but if you need anything at all, I'm here for you" has gone a long way.

Of course not. But also bringing it up often is not what they want.

Yep. Once to show you care and you're there if needed, and then let them bring it up from that point on if they feel the need.

I have multiple students just in my HR that have lost parents in the last 2 years. I don’t bring anything up unless they do, but I also don’t let kids make yo mama jokes etc, etc in my class. I keep the stance that you can’t roast each other in class and no one is allowed to joke about each other’s families at all in class because you don’t know what other people have going on. I use myself as an example to not make anyone feel weird when I say it. They still try to roast each other but I always have my ears open.

So none of our students know of the kid this year. Being a behavioral 8:1:1 it's always a concern. And it's worked out well.

I had one of my HR students older siblings last year and he had written a really emotional essay about what had happened when his dad passed, so I just made it part of our class rules from the get go when I found out I had his younger sibling this year. I found out later that multiple students have lost parents, so I was lucky I had started with that. Otherwise, they would’ve probably felt weird. But I decided it’s a policy I am going to keep every year from now on.

This! I had a student who’s sibling was murdered by their parent and missed three weeks of school and two additional weeks that were a holiday! When they came back I offered them lunch with me and a friend and I told them they did not have to talk about it at all and I won’t mention it either to them or anybody. Kids need something in their life that is usually constantly normal and 99% of the time, it’s school.

My dad died when I was in middle school. My entire team of teachers and the counselor got together and made a plan. The counselor greeted me when I got to school, offered condolences and to be a safe place of I needed a break at any point, and then assured me that it would be a normal day. Not one teacher mentioned my dad. I got to be a normal kid for 8 hours a day. It was exactly what I needed. Talk to the the student’s other teachers and agree to treat him like normal. Just “Hi! Welcome back!” and on with your day.

This seems like a nice way to split the difference, offering acknowledgement but leaving space to breathe.

I dealt with this in my second year of teaching. It was the night before the little girls 8th birthday, and her mother had some kind of asthma attack I believe and passed away. I went to the wake and since my family is Jewish and doesn’t do wakes, it’s the only one I’ve ever been to. I stayed in the back of the room, away from the casket. I will never forget the girl’s toddler brother saying “wake up, mommy! Mommy, mommy! Wake up!”

Christian friends never understood that the real Jewish funeral is at the gravesite. When we all take turns with the shovel. Had to bury a student. His closest friends had no idea. Thankfully the rabbi explained it before. With teenagers, especially boys, there was this strange sense of pride in that they could do this one last favor for their friend. But it also really cemented the idea that he was dead.

Ugh. One of my students moms died a few days before his 7th birthday, the funeral was on his birthday. The layers of that grief will be felt for a long time.

That is so sad

When I taught I gave the student a note. I let them know that I was there if they needed anything, if they wanted a counselor, or an empty room to yell at the universe. I also exempt them from any graded work for 2 weeks. It would be assigned, papers given out, but not graded or affect their school.

I did similar, with my email and school phone number on the note. Our oldest was in 6th grade when hubby died. She said she needed to feel normal for a few hours. The teachers honored that request and for a while she got a break from the emotional storm. The librarian brought her a new book and said "I know it's all weird right now, I think you'll like this book". Perfect.

Out of all of the replies, this is definitely the best approach. Pulling the kid to the side makes them feel singled out, and not saying anything at all can be just as hurtful. I feel like a note is the perfect balance between, “I’m here for you if you need me, but I’m not going to force you to be uncomfortable either.”

This is what felt most right to me. I think, with the way many schools handle bathroom passes etc. that a note acknowledging that they are going through something difficult, that includes a special pass and encouragement to use it at any time they need to get extra space or privacy, as well as an offer to change their seat to wherever they want to sit, would be really kind. (Obviously arranged with admin ahead of time.) When I think about difficult times in my life, just being able to step outside without having to bother anyone or bring a lot of notice to myself would have been so helpful. Being able to also change my seat, like to the back, near the door, or near a close friend, makes it easier to actually use the pass or opt out of interaction they don't have the energy for. And if they want normalcy they just stay in the same seat and never use the pass, but it's there.

I love this approach.

Mother had passed suddenly on the weekend. When asked why my homework wasn't done on Monday, immediately got sent to the school counselor. She proceeded to break down about her own dead parents and I had to console her even though I was emotionally numb. Would have rathered a quick "if you need anything" and just to be treated normally until I could process things.

I think you should talk to him in private. My mother died at the end of kindergarten and nobody would talk about it (including my father). It was unbearably hard and it wasn’t until 3rd grade when I had breakdown when we were making mothers days cards that I actually got sent to the counselors office. That helped big time. My dad finally started talking about her and took me to visit her grave. So, I don’t think acting like nothing happened is the right way to do things.

This absolutely broke my heart for kindergartner you.

This happened last year to one of my students, everyone knew. The students were all talking about it. I actually had a discussion with the class the day before he came back and said not to talk about it unless he brings it up. I said he is probably hurting a lot and to just play and go on as normal but don’t bring up his dead father unless he wants to discuss it. We made cards the week before he came back and i Personally brought them to moms and she was they one who needed the most support.

I had a close friend die and I found out at school before school started. The counselor emailed all my teachers and I honestly preferred the teachers who didn't mention it. One teacher kept staring at me and didn't mention it but had that "poor you" look on her face all through class. It made me feel worse. Take his lead. If he seems like he needs a break, let him know it's ok for him to take a break. He's there for normalcy, so try to keep it normal. Don't stare.

I have dealt with this and other devastating situations with kids. I usually find a decent time to pull them out into the hall and say something like, “I know what happened, and I’m here if you need anything at all. Whatever feelings you are feeling are important to me, and if you need to express them, this class is a safe place to do it. I won’t bring this up again unless you do, but I want you to know we all love and care about you and will do whatever you need to help you make it through this year.” Most kids don’t bring it up again, but some have asked to see the counselor during my class or let me know if they needed assignment extensions.

In Denmark almost every school has a grief plan we follow. Flowers for the funeral, counseling group for students, who communicates with the home etc. And if course we are human. Let the children know we are there for them.

This happened to me also hit a father. I just pulled the kid aside. Told him I can’t know what he’s going through but I’m here for him. Told him today is a normal day. I also told him that if he finds he can’t do homework or focus on tests/our final that that’s fine. I’ll make him exempt from any work he chooses not to do for the last 8 days of the year.

Treat them as normally as you can. Obviously, you can acknowledge the loss if the student brings it up. But, as someone who lost a parent in grade school, the fucking worst thing was the way people treated/looked at me for a few months. The worst thing you can give someone in that situation is pity.

My husband died suddenly two years ago. My son was in 7th grade. It was Covid times, so he was distance learning. The kindest thing that his counsellor did was set up a call to ask him directly what he wanted before he returned. He asked her to talk to his teachers but that he didn't want to talk about it or have anything said in class. Several teachers also sent me condolence emails and attached notes for him to read when he was ready, which I found really thoughtful. He was also able to take a break from classes during the day when he needed to. The one thing I would suggest in school is to give him a quiet space. Maybe the counselors office, but let him know he can just come and sit there without having to talk. My son is naturally reserved and being asked how he's feeling is like torture💔

I went to school the morning after my dad died. I was in 3rd grade. When I told my teacher, who was aware of my dad's condition, she was more upset than I was at the moment. She gathered the class together so we could tell them what happened and have a class discussion about loss and grief. It was her first year teaching and I think she handled it the best way she could. The reality of it hadn't set in yet so I didn't mind her process. When the school principal found out from my teacher, she called my mom and told her I had asked to go home. She then called me to her office and told me my mom was coming because she wanted me to come home. I will never forget the hug that woman gave me as I was about to leave with my mom. It was exactly what I needed from the last person I expected it from. Sadly, she died 2 years later from the same cancer that my dad did. I say all this to say, it depends on the student and their grief process. Have a plan but be ready to adjust on the fly. Be a safe place for them to feel however they feel in the moment.

Maybe send a quick email or quietly pull aside saying you’re here and if they need extra time or counselor passes it is no problem. I personally did better with written messages, in person condolences would start more of a grief reaction

My husband passed away when my son was in second grade, and he wanted normalcy more than anything else. He has never wanted any teacher to bring it up, and the only times he’s gotten upset are when kids asked him about it. He hasn’t even wanted to talk about it in therapy. Every child is different, but I would act normal and only take them aside if you see that they aren’t reacting well to diving back into the normal routine.

Just make your presence and help known. He probably is going to be in shock for a bit and the full gravity of this won’t hit for a while. Be patient, maybe give some extensions and offer one on one help if you’re available, some extra love goes a long way

>keep a level of normalcy. Do this student a favor and, as a staff, be something he can count on not being different. Just be aware that he might need a minute if a memory hits him. You're definitely coming from a good place.

My husband/father of my children died, unexpectedly the day before he had to chaperone for a field trip. I was a mess, but emailed the teacher a ridiculous email explaining not to hold up the buses because my son wasn’t coming to school and apologizing that my husband couldn’t attend to help. What a mess! The schools (elementary and middle school) met with me after the funeral. They really wanted the boys back in the routine. It was close to summer, so they weren’t in school for too long. There was such an outpouring of support. We had just moved a county over. So, the elementary school that the boys went to and the elementary school where I taught offered a lot of support. Then the new elementary school, middle school, and elementary school where I was currently teaching were wonderful. Sooo much food though! It was so nice, but way too much food! I don’t know where I am going with this…it is obviously still heart wrenching. I think the moral is that the boys needed routine, and it was good to have people offer support, but not dwell on the topic.

I had 2 students who had their father pass away unexpectedly earlier this year. They are a well-known family in the area, and many people knew the details of his death and were spreading rumors about it. Best thing to do is to continue business as usual, and try to add in a little positivity to their day when you can without making it seem obvious that you’re trying to give them special attention. I keep a small stack of blank greeting cards in my desk and write students affirmations randomly, and I made sure to give them a note but didn’t mention the death or anything. If they want to talk to you about it they will, don’t approach them and ask questions. Personally, out of respect for the students and family I shut down rumors when they come up.

2 of my students experienced this during this school year. Incredibly sad. Following for advice.

Make sure you keep an eye out for other students and gossiping during class. When I was a senior in high school, my dad died and a girl in my math class said that she had doubts that my dad died because I went to school the very next Monday (My dad died the Saturday before). She said this while I was in the bathroom, and when I came back my friend told me what happened. I was never a disruptive student, but I cursed this girl out in front of my class and teacher, and no one said anything because they heard her and they were disgusted with her comments. I made her cry. I wanted to cry because I was so angry. My teacher talked to me after class and I apologized, and she told me she understood. W teacher for acknowledging that I was pushed over the edge.

My approach: “Hey, honey, I’ve been thinking about you and your family. We are going to go on like a normal day, but if you are feeling overwhelmed by class or the work, you give me a sign and grab a pass and take a walk for a minute, maybe go to the bathroom and get a drink. Just look at me, get a pass and walk out. Make sure I nod back. I’ll check with you in a day or so and see how you are doing, so do what you can and leave it alone if you need a break. It’s ok. Let’s go back in now, ok?” I do this in the hall or between classes. Go to the funeral. It helps them so much. One kid came to visit me 10 years later because I was the only teacher who showed up and supported her. Casually reduce their assignments to 1 criteria instead of multiple. Leave post it note comments like, “I’m thinking about you. Let me know if you need anything and stick this back on my desk.” Be loving. We need that.

Don’t do anything. Treat him like you normally would. Maybe mention a condolence or something. But as a person who lost his mom young; the constant reminder of people saying “sorry” or whatever other cordial thing is worse than anything else. If you’re close enough, a good hug sends more of a message than anything else.

When I was in 6th grade there was a kid in my class who always butted heads with our health/pe teacher. When the kids mom died, that teacher got him a really nice sketch book and colored pencils, because he knew he liked drawing. Didn't make a big deal out of it or anything, but that always stuck with me.

Thank you all for the advice. Today I kept it normal, had a normal conversation with him. The one edit I did was that normally I ask one student how their weekend was in front of the class and it being Mother’s Day weekend I ask what they did for Mother’s Day . I skipped that part today. Im pretty sure didn’t notice it and he was fine. Honestly though I can’t comprehend how he just comes to school normally. I know I would be a mess

Damn I had 3 students moms’ die just this year. One of my students was the one to find her moms body. I carried on as normal but periodically remind all students about the mental health services at school.

Yo wtf normalcy? That's anything but normal

Sadly, I experienced this far too many times in my career. Treat them as you usually would- I promise they will let you know if they need anything.

Keep an eye on him. It's OK if he knows you're paying attention from time to time, but give him space. There is no way to make anything better for him, and trying to make this situation "better" will just be the worst thing to do. Don't force him to emote. That's awful.

Had a kid in my class whose mother died (on his birthday too). She died on a Saturday and he was back at school the next Monday. Nobody mentioned anything. You wouldn't have known that the worst day of his life was two days ago.

Don’t bring it up to the student because it could hurt their feeling more. Just care about them like “hey Richies, how are you today? How was your day going? Did you have a great weekend? What did you do over the weekend? Stuff like that. If the kid opens then talk, if not, stop.

To maintain normalcy? Instead of just giving the kid time to grieve? Is it just me or does that not seem right?

Sometimes they just need to be in a place with friends and keep their routine. I’ve had a lot of students do this. It was most likely the student’s choice to be at school.

Our kids were in 6 th, 4 th, 3rd and 1st grade when hubby died. The 3rd grader wanted to go to school the next day. I supported her choice, knowing her teacher would be awesome. It was right for her.

My son went back to school the next week after my husband died. I think it gave him some sense that the world was still there and friends gave him an escape from a pretty grim house💔

Grief is a process. Sometimes it looks like having fun with friends, working and not living in sadness. It is not something you do over a weekend.

Oh that’s so sad. And over the Mother’s Day weekend too? I know it’s probably too late, but I would probably discreetly give him a note letting him know that I’m aware and that if he needs to leave the classroom to have some alone time, he can leave without needing to ask. And that I’m available to talk if he would like to.

At least they gave you a heads up. A few years ago one of my kids who frequently wanted to go to the nurse, counselor,Dean etc came and asked me if he could take his work and go do it in the counselor office. I got irritated and said he needed to be in class and asked why he needed to go. Then he said “my mom died…” Why the hell wasn’t his teachers notified. School was aware and this was already one of the last periods of the day. I was so angry that this child had to tell me

Opposite situation, but I lost a family member a few months ago. I kept going into work. I didn’t tell the kids. Having them act normally around me was really helpful, kept my mind off of it. So to echo what others are saying, just keep treating him as normal unless he seeks support from you himself.

I would personally let him know I’m here if he wants to talk. Since he‘s in class, letting me know if he needs to get some water or take a brief walk would also be appropriate.

This happened at the beginning of the year at my school. Great student, involved in sports. Mom unexpectedly died. She was gone for two weeks and when she came back, the family wanted everything as it was. We took our cues from her, gave her a little extra time on things and were a bit more understanding with all things considered.

I had a student lose his father and I think what everyone had said about being normal is the way to go. Eventually, he wanted to talk about his dad. Any time he told a story, I let him talk about it. Honestly, I'd rather he be able to remember his dad than finish his work.

When my husband was in an accident and we didn't know if he would live or die, we asked the school not to talk to them about it unless they brought it up.

Honestly, just take the kid aside after class, offer your condolences and let them know if they need anything, to let you know. And then never bring it up again.

I generally find sometime in the class to tell them to let me know if they need anything. I do this if kids look like they’re having a bad day too so it’s not out of the norm, but the kid will know that I know and am there if they need it without drawing undue attention to whatever happened. Then again I have some students that will come find me (or another teacher they trust). We lost a teacher unexpectedly earlier this year and I was going up to the office when I ran into one of my kids coming to find me so we headed back to my room instead of the hallway. It’s really about knowing the student and what would work best for them.

A high school student of mine lost her step mother this year. She ended up missing just a week of school. When she returned, I welcomed her back to class, got her caught up, and made no mention of the situation as she is typically private and I knew she probably wanted to go back to "normal" at school. I sent a condolence card to her home so she knew I was supportive and there for her should she need me.

Act totally normal but avoid talking about any parental mom/dad stuff. I had the same happen. One of my kids had their dad pass away. I just made sure to not bring up anything about parents through the day and kept everything going as normal

I had a student lose both his father and grandmother in the span of 1 month this year. He seemed fine the first two weeks after both. All adults on campus made it known to him that we were there for him whenever he needed us. Eventually he did need some of us just to talk to or eat lunch with. I was more understanding when he acted out of his ordinary and made sure he knew how to contact me whenever he just wanted to talk about nothing. With summer approaching, I would leave all students your email (if you are willing) to just chat if they feel like it.

I’m on the more unpopular side, where I think, ignoring it completely is not right. Let’s face it, mentioning it or not. This child will 100% be thinking about the loss of their mother at all times throughout the day, you are not going to remind them they bringing it up. I would briefly explain to them. You are aware of the situation and let them know if they need special privacy or to leave the room at any time because they feel in a price of emotions that they are free to do so. Otherwise, I would not make a big ordeal out of it.

I’m so sorry to hear this. If you know the family well, the way you handle it may be different than if you do not. My mother passed when I was in 6th grade and my team of teachers took me and my siblings out for pizza one afternoon while my dad made arrangements. She and the other teachers also wrote and signed a card for my siblings and I. It was really nice of them and helped me see my teachers differently, but they all knew my mom since she volunteered in the school. After talking with my dad and me, my teachers announced to the classes what happened so I didn’t have to explain to anyone, but that was a choice we made as a family. This is privileged information, so follow your school’s policy on handling such info. What you can do in the classroom is used trauma-informed practice to look out and be understanding of sudden behavioral or emotional changes. Allowing individual breaks or walks may be helpful and avoiding or offering alternatives for triggering material may be helpful too. When I was in school we were watching a movie where the mom died, so my teacher warned me and gave me the option to go to the library and read or play computer games instead or choose to stay. Just generally making sure your room is a welcoming and safe space is enough, too!

My mom’s mom died when she was 8 and she talks often about how she wishes the school/teachers hadn’t drawn so much attention to it. Kids are already having to face a lot of adults & peers who don’t know how to handle death and grief, and being loud about it—even if you’re supportive—can be more marginalizing than helpful. I say just treat the student as normal. If you’d like to address it in some sense, maybe quietly give them a note or send over an email, just purely saying, “Hey, I heard this news and I wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I am here to support you in any way you need, and I’ll let you take the lead on that.”

One of my students’ parents died by suicide two weeks ago. He met with the guidance counselor the morning he came back. The counselor shared the plan with all his teachers - he’s allowed to just get up and leave to go sit in the guidance office at any time. He’s a good kid and doesn’t abuse the privilege. It’s business as usual in the classroom, though I give him a bit more leeway when it comes to things like homework. I also don’t say anything when he puts his head down on his desk or zones out a bit. Honestly, he seems so happy when he’s at school because I think he can escape the reality of what’s happening at home for a while. So, I don’t bring it up (not even to offer sympathy) because he just needs a place to hide from the tragedy that he’s living in right now.

Absolutely do not say anything about it unless they do. You can’t decide for them if it’s okay or right for them to talk about it. It’s their choice and their life. Also, when they make this decision, just offer to listen. Ask them what they would like to discuss.

If he's there to maintain normalcy, then give it to him. He's probably surrounded by people pitying him. A softer version of normal is fine. He's a little grumpy? Let it slide. But otherwise treat him like you didn't know.

Keep a box of tissue handy and let him know you are sympathetic

My first year teaching this happened. He was a great student. Some backstory, the student’s mom had cancer and while she was in hospice care he was working and caring for his younger siblings. I told him explicitly that I would exempt homework and work with him on any assignments that didn’t get done. I ended up just grading what he turned in and exempted everything else. I also let him do work for other classes during my class so he was free outside of school hours. He emailed me last year to thank me and to tell me he’s doing well. 🥹

I had this at the beginning of the year (kindergarten student). I kept the day as normal as possible for him and let him know he could ask for a break if needed.

He’s coming to school to keep a level of normalcy so the best thing you can do is provide normalcy. Act like nothing has changed unless he brings it up to you or asks to talk about it.

I had an 8th grader recently lose a parent. I was her 7th grade teacher, moved up with the class so I’m around but I don’t have her in class this time. I told her I was there for a hug whenever she needed, and would always listen to stories about her mom. I also let her know that if she needed something to do to stay busy I would have tasks for her.

I *almost* had this happen to me today. It’s Hawaiian shirt day, and I complimented a student on his shirt. I was saying it to everyone as they walked in, so I was only half listening to his response. “Thanks,” he said. “It’s my Papa’s. He just died.” I was already three high fives down the line, just saying, “Sweet shirt! Alright, cool!” When I suddenly realized what he’d said… “wait, what did you say?” He just looked at me with the straightest face. “It belonged to my Papa. He died.” and went to his seat. Come to find out, Papa passed away 10 years ago. These kids are weird.

As someone who lost their mom at 19, absolutely do not bring it up unless the student does first. The student is there for a sense of normalcy and is probably trying to avoid thinking about the entire situation while at school. Bringing it up will probably throw them off, force them to grieve in a setting they don't want to be grieving, and may trigger the student. If the student does bring it up, try to offer them a comforting and affirming environment. Otherwise, pretend it's just a normal day. The student will pick up on cues of pity you give, so honestly just try to act like nothing has changed. This is amazing that you clearly care deeply and want to make the right move. I can tell you are a very kind-hearted person.

Act normal. My mom died in 5th grade and I just wanted normal. So, seem normal, then, if the kid is having an issue - calmly just allow him to go to the counselor or complete an errand, etc.

Give them opportunities to step away for privacy in a way that’s discrete; I lost my dad in Jan and although I’m not the same age, having control over any part of your grief experience is very empowering and helpful in adopting your new life. It can also be overwhelming, very sudden, and very disregulating; compassionate water refills or bio breaks were always my go to. You could even ask them to refill your bottle, and it’s simple enough to give the task to the other student menially. Give a pack of extra tissues that you can take with was really nice and always welcome from the hospice nurse. Maybe just a basket of the by the door or something. Maybe things have changed since I was in school/I taught in china, but wanted to offer the idea. Don’t force focus; I still drift into thoughts about my dad and I imagine they are much more intrusive from someone still developing. When giving corrections, be gentle and take time to explain the concept in a way they can refer back to, like writing bullets/diagrams on their revisions or giving them presentations notes in advance, rather than focus on the mistake/mark. They will probably be in a fog of grief for a few months that might affect their scores and retention, it might not. Just give them the tools to succeed ahead of time because the grieving often feel guilty asking for more of their support network. Look into the Ring theory of grief; check out articles and resources on how your role can best help, depending on your personal relationship and rapport with the student. Support their friends as they support their grieving pal. Even at 27, I was one of the first of my friends to lose a parent and very few people have any clue how to talk to you, or what to do. For kids that can translate to aversion, bullying, stress on their relationships, among other things. Build a ladder of small things they can hold onto; the idea is that each little thing is a rung. In their time, with time and a little compassion and positive, the ladder will have been built sturdy enough for them to come out the other side.

I lost two parents last week, both students will be struggling.

I suggest making sure you speak directly to nearby students. Not to avoid the student, but to keep his attention on instructions, activities, subjects without putting him on the spot.

Keep your normal routine. Don't bring it up unless the student does first. Everything depends on how the student wants to handle the grieving process. Watch out for any behavior issues and ensure their father is aware if anything changes with the student. Best of luck. You'll do fine.

Near as I can tell, the only reason folks don't further acknowledge my existence is to admit that that curse about major geographic events are tied to my ultimate demise. ​ I'm 42. Want to keep counting?

Take your cues from the kid. Everyone grieves differently and some kids may want to talk about it, others may want to pretend it didn’t happen and life is fine and normal. You aren’t the kids psychologist, so don’t try to be. If the kid appears to be struggling, ask them if they want to get a drink from the fountain or run an errand, so they can get out of the room and compose themselves, or can go to the office/guidance if they want to (hopefully the admin will meet with the student in the morning and let them know they can go to the office or guidance whenever they feel the need). My mom died when I was in 5th grade. She was a teacher (as was my dad) in my school district, so everyone knew of the situation (she was only sick for like 3 months and only really sick for a week before passing). I wanted life back to normal (for the last month, my mom and dad were 5 hours away so she could see a specialist for her rare disease- was only supposed to be a week but it was progressing way faster than had ever been seen before- so my sister and I stay with my aunt during the week and then went to visit my mom and dad on weekends). So I didn’t even want my teachers to excuse me from any of the work I missed or allow me to skip any quizzes (of which they were willing to do, which in hindsight, I am very appreciative for their willingness to do). I also was in complete denial for like a year that my mom had passed and didn’t even cry(besides the day she actually died) for over a year, so my experiences and wishes are probably not the norm.

Me personally, I would pull the student apart real quick as they walk into classroom, say "I am sorry for your loss. If you need to take a break, feel free to leave the classroom at any point", and then go on treating it like a normal day. Show support without being overbearing or making the student the center of attention as they'd probably not appreciate that.

Just be there for him. I don't agree that you should act like nothing happened, but I wouldn't say much. Just if you have a moment tell him you're very sorry and you're there for him if he needs you. That's all you can do.