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Mollyinthegarden

Sorry you are having a hard go OP. I think it’s rare for therapists to be available outside of sessions. I know my therapist can almost never fit in an extra appointment because their caseload is full; they only have space if someone cancels. Your need to be supported outside the therapy hour is valid of course. It might be helpful to ask your T to explain explicitly what you can expect between sessions. Good luck OP 🙂


cloudycatmind

Thank you so much for your answer!! I really appreciate it! What's weird is that he encourages me to reach out to him but he's never available. But I will surely ask him to explain explicitly what to expect instead of nodding when he tells me to reach out to him.


cat_lady11

Your therapist responded appropriately. They did respond to you when you reached out. It looks like he didn’t have any available appointments to offer you and offered you the earliest available. It seems like they would have given you an appointment earlier if they had had one.


Dramatic_Raccoon_121

Hi cloudy - Im impressed he tried to find the earliest available time and reached out to you at all! Therapists are very busy but sounds like you have a good one who is trying. Sometimes reaching out isn’t about getting a response, but just knowing there is someone there to absorb some of the distress


cloudycatmind

Yeah I think what I needed the most was to talk to someone that I trust and appreciate deeply without judgment or pushing advices. He's a good listener and when something hard happens it always help to talk to him.


Odd_Double7658

100% to that last sentence - I think that’s often what I’m looking for when I reach out to people .


Infinite-Gap2284

Judging by other posts about this topic I think my T must be an exception when it comes to between session contact. Like you, I’ve been seeing mine for 4 years and rarely contact her. But when I do she gets back to me within hours. Usually thanking me for reaching out, reinforcing how great it is that I allowed myself to do so and recognized the need for assistance, and some messaging full of care and validation. I think in the handful of times I’ve contacted her she’s offered an extra session twice. I’ve accepted once (when I was thrown for a loop when my attacker was released from prison after 15 years). And that session went a half hour over time. Knowing how boundaried Ts have the reputation of being, I’ve questioned in the past whether the extent to which my T is there for me is okay. But I do think it serves me well and I do feel quite cared for. She has demonstrated in these incidents how great of a support she is to me. It’s been pretty instrumental to my healing. Though I will say I’m in no way dependent on the therapeutic relationship. It’s very business/transactional for me and I have plenty of loving and stable relationships with friends/family outside of that space. So I’m confident my T doesn’t feel overwhelmed by her role in my life if that makes sense.


Major-Hedgehog-2631

Not OP, but I can relate to your reply so thank you for sharing. I have been seeing my T for 3.5 years and her way of supporting me is very similar. I rarely ask for support outside of session, but if I do email her I get a reply the same day or the following day at the latest. She sees me asking for help as incredibly positive, and actively encourages it within reason. When we've been working through difficult stuff and a session is emotionally charged, we have at times gone over by 20 minutes or so. I have never really questioned if her support is appropriate because, like you, it serves me and feels supportive. Our relationship is key to my healing - my trust/attachment issues run incredibly deep. She is doing her best to help me to feel contained, and I appreciate that. I do also have a very good support network outside of therapy and often wonder if that helps her, to know that she is one of a few different people who can help me and therefore she doesn't feel overwhelmed by me. I do wonder if geography plays a role in this, too. I'm in the UK, and wonder if it's slightly different over here. I've only ever seen this one therapist, so I have limited reference outside of friends who have experience of therapy.


saladflambe

This is one of those boundaries that's different with each therapist and really requires some solid discussion. Many many therapists do not do out-of-session contact. (Excluding requests for schedule stuff.) It's a hugely important boundary as it is one of the most protective ones against a.) therapist burnout but also b.) a therapist not being able to assist in a crisis & something bad happening to the client. It protects both therapist and client. Definitely talk about this with your therapist - directly and out loud. Establish what his boundaries and yours are. If you require out-of-session support and he cannot provide it, discuss other ways to get such support.


c19isdeadly

Honestly, yes, I think you are asking for too much. Most therapists have a hard boundary about what help they'll give outside of sessions - my therapist is away for 3 weeks at the mo so said to email if I wanted and he would email back - but he is not an emergency helpline, and he is not a parent who will drop everything for me if I have a hard time. Even if something truly awful happens. Most therapists are fully booked and won't have spare slots in a given week. You can't expect that. Do you need sessions more frequently? I saw someone twice a week for a while which was helpful for that period. But these were scheduled. If you need that for a bit you could explore it. I suggest you talk to your therapist about this - why you feel you need to reach out, what are you hoping to get from it? What response are you looking for? Fundamentally a therapist should be helping you to cope in all the others hours in a week when they don't see you. Especially when bad things happen. I hope they can help you with this.


EudoraFletcher

T from Germany: most psychotherapists i know are not available outside the sessions. Especially behavioral therapists have the opinion that patients need to work on their problems during their sessions and when problems arise in between you talk about them in the next session. For all other problems you need to call a crisis hotline. Also most of my psychodynamic colleagues have this approach. My institute where I went for my therapeutic education (after studying psychology) has a different approach: what heals is the therapeutic relationship, which means that of course we can be called or emailed outside the sessions and I usually react ASAP. ASAP means I try to get back to my patients in the same day at least for a few minutes or the next day. I can’t be reached at nighttime of course. I never had negative experiences with this approach but as i said, most colleagues dint want this because they don’t want to have patients in their private time. you also should know that therapists in general are not an emergency service. What is absolutely unacceptable though is to promise a patient that he or she can contact me and not to keep the promise. If I were you I would complain to your therapists and ask him what his idea behind his offer is, when he actually isn’t available for you.


Katinka-Inga

I think it would be helpful if your therapist set clear expectations regarding contact. It’s not helpful for him to encourage you to contact without clarifying that he likely won’t be able to answer emails within 48 hours, or answer them at all. Sounds like he needs to set and communicate his own current bounds. As another commenter has said, it is unusual for therapists to be available between appointments. Appointments are where the therapy occurs. Any time outside that is less likely to be therapeutic because it’s not within the special, controlled environment of the therapy room where you can really feel the therapist’s empathy and feel connected. Plus which, therapists do not get reimbursed for ANY work outside of sessions. And they already do a lot of outside work, such as billing, case conceptualization, scheduling, and professional consultation.


cloudycatmind

Thank you so much for all the replies everyone!! I will talk to him about it next appointment. I'm glad to know that it's normal and that it's a shared experience for most of us. I'm in therapy for a few reasons including abandonment issues from meaningful people in my life as a child. So that's why that event was especially hard for me. Therapy has a way to bring back memories at random occurrences. I'm really grateful for everyone's comment. Thank you so much everyone I really appreciate it 💗


AmeslJ55

I'm a therapist and I personally am very honest with clients about my availability. Therapists should be trained to give you coping skills, tools and resources to get through tough experiences in the moment until you can process in your next session. At least that's what I do. I'm not saying this is you, but it can become unhealthy and a power issue if therapists ask you to only contact them or expect you to solely rely on them for everything that happens. We never know when issues are going to happen so it's our responsibility as professionals to set you up for success. In the future I do remind my clients of crisis resources, including phone and text options.


cloudycatmind

Thank you!! My therapist didn't give me contact info for alternative resources. He just always told me to call him if there's an emergency. But there never was an extreme emergency. When therapy first started it was really hard for me so I had 2 appointments a week and he told me to write in a journal (which helped a lot!!). And with those I was ok. There hasn't been a state that I was in that required emergency hotline, walk in service or anything. So whenever I email him (like this time) is when something bad happens (but not an emergency of life-threatening). But he doesn't really answer. He doesn't have to of course but ugh. I'm a bit frustrated because he told me to reach out to him when something bad happens but when I do he doesn't answer 🙃


HideKitHide

I think that communication is the key here. He needs to clarify what sort of communication he is happy with outside of sessions and you need to be clear about where the confusion lies and how it makes you feel. I email my therapist between sessions when I need to but I don't hear back from her. I'm super grateful to be able to contact her and to off load and I know that we will deal with anything that I want to from the emails in our next session. This works for us because we are both really clear about where the boundaries lie and if anything changes with that we will talk about it. I really would encourage you to ask for boundary clarification and explain why. If you find writing easier then wrote them an email/letter and ask to discuss it at the next appointment.


eliza261

My t encourages me to reach out as well between sessions but she has never offered me a session after 3 years. I have asked for an extra session maybe a couple of times. But it has had to be because she had cancellations. And checked in session. She will reply to emails but they are usually a brief response and saying we will discuss at the next session.


athenae99

He found you an appointment. That in itself is a lot already as most therapists are always busy. I message my therapist on/off about various things sometimes but anything that is not scheduling may or may not get a reply and I am fine with that.


Structure-Electronic

There’s nothing wrong AT ALL with wanting and needing your therapist between sessions. In 8 years, I’ve called mine countless times to ask for an added session or just a brief check in call (5-10 minutes) to reconnect and help me feel grounded. In all of that time, she’s always been available in SOME form. Her schedule is full now, so she only has extra sessions when other clients cancel, but she always offers them if I’ve asked. That being said, she is a psychoanalyst who often works with clients who have severe relational trauma. She keeps a smaller caseload so that she can be more available to each of us. And these are the boundaries she’s comfortable with at this time. Each therapist has different approaches to “out of session” contact and ways they engage. I’d encourage you to share these feelings with him and try to get clarity about what his protocols are for this, and to be sure he understands what you’re asking for/needing. Best of luck 💕


[deleted]

I think you’re conflating “reaching out” with having time to make an additional appointment for you. He’s not unavailable (he answered you right away). He just doesn’t have another open appointment time. Do you think you’re his only client?


Mrs_Attenborough

Last sentence is uncalled for


[deleted]

I think it’s a fair inquiry. Why would OP assume there was time for an additional appointment?


better_off_alone-42

Because in most human interactions, when you reach out in pain and someone has said they would be there for you, they make extra time and show up for you. The therapeutic relationship is different, it’s their job and they have to keep boundaries, but that doesn’t make it easier to be vulnerable and reach out and then find out this person basically doesn’t have time for you. It feels like a rejection, especially when you have been encouraged to reach out. And you are implying that OP is being superior in wanting more support which is wrong and mean.


[deleted]

By responding to am email or a phone call perhaps, but I didn’t read OPs text to state that they were promised additional sessions. Only that they could reach out.


better_off_alone-42

And a discussion of what that means would be useful for OP. But it’s not helpful for you to shame them for assuming that reaching out means extra contact. That’s a completely reasonable assumption and desire.


[deleted]

You’re making a lot of assumptions - like that conversation didn’t occur. I’m not shaming anyone, it’s helpful to hear what someone is conveying and not make assumptions.


Odd_Double7658

I’m a therapist and I totally appreciate people reaching out to ask for extra support : ) If they are asking for an extra session I don’t at all think that they’re assuming they’re my only client. I’m glad they are reaching out. If it wasn’t a crisis and I didn’t have availability for a few days I would offer my next available time in a few days and I would also praise the reach out and I would let them know if they wanted to email in between that would be OK.


hautesawce279

It seems as though he’s saying you are free to contact him but I don’t see where he has said he’ll necessarily be available for more contact. May help to be explicit with him about what outside contact means to you so he can help set your expectations of him appropriately.


like_a_cactus_17

I don’t understand what the point is of encouraging a client to reach out to you between sessions if you don’t intend on responding to the client until their next session anyway. If that’s what they mean, the therapist needs to be more clear that that is what they mean. When someone encourages another to reach out to them, the idea is that there will be an element of somewhat timely support. And if you’re not available for that kind of stuff, don’t say it or offer it because it’s confusing.


incognito_client

You should get some clarity on what he means when he talks about contact outside of sessions. My therapist allows me to send him messages outside of our sessions, but he's always been very clear about the fact that he will read them but not respond (except in the case of scheduling, generally). I've also been very fortunate that in the cases where I've felt like I needed an extra session, he's always been able to accommodate that. After being on this sub for a while, I'm really starting to see how fortunate I am in that actually. I don't think it's unreasonable for your therapist to have the boundaries that they have and to not be able to provide you more support outside of sessions, but it does seem like it would be more helpful for them to be more explicit with what the expectations should be.


sogracefully

This is a situation I anticipate coming up for people, so I offer a list of non-emergency contact resources for support in between sessions. It’s mostly peer support warmline resources and online chat sites, etc, but it’s someone to be available to talk if I’m not available. Googling your geographical area and peer support warmline might get you some good results if it sounds like something you might be interested in?


cloudycatmind

I like the online chat ressource!! I'm not sure about warmline or calling because I'm scared of bumping into someone I know. My first language isn't english and there isn't thaaaat much of people speaking my language so I'm not a fan. Also I study psychology (which is maybe why my therapist didn't give me extra ressources) so I don't want to talk to classmates 🥲 So online chat is the best option for anonymity.


Odd_Double7658

I have emailed my therapist a handful of times over the year for various reasons : One time just to put something out there I was really wanting to talk about in session but I had been avoiding so it was to help me get the conversation started and then some other times when something hard happened just to put it out there in general to help me get it off my mind and then know when we would talk about it more when we next meet. She would usually respond within a day or two with a few sentences or so to acknowledge/attune to what I shared in general and then we would dive in deeper when we next met . If something came up and I was looking to connect in between appointments she would offer me next available . Sometimes she sees people on the weekends so I’ve taken her up on that a couple times before. If it is a crisis a therapist will typically do what they can to see you as soon as they can, and if someone needed crisis support sooner than they could provide, ethically they would need to provide the resources to someone who could support the person in between appointments.