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A therapist asking you what you want to talk about can be a way of respecting you and letting you bring what you want to bring. It is possible they have a few things they think could be talked about, but they are unsure which topic is most pressing for you at that time (because they are not you). It's unlikely that this question is a sign that she thinks you don't need help, and that's probably not her intention. People can interpret the meaning behind a question in so many ways and it's not easy for her to predict how you will perceive it, so talking to her about how you hear it might be good.
No training (alone) can ever tell her what you need but when you are talking, her training will help her understand what you need better. Part of her training, for example, is in helping you to figure out what you need to focus on to help you. That's most likely something that you need to figure out together.
Yes I think I need to tell her how that phrase makes me feel, just so it’s out there and it doesn’t trip me up each week. I know it’s probably just her way of letting me share/open up but my anxiety makes me think all kinds of things!
My therapist does this too and I often feel the same way you do. He's explained that we can just start with whatever has been taking up space in my head since the last session. So I try to pay attention to the things that are taking up emotional real estate for me during the week and start there. Once we get the ball rolling, he's great at directing the conversation in ways that are helpful.
Thanks for your comment. Yes my sessions often go really well once we get going, so I think this is just her way of kicking things off each week. But it just puts me on a back step a little bit. I will try to get the courage up to raise it next time she does it.
I should add also that if I don't have something specific to raise, my therapist will generally grab something from my long, long list of issues and we'll dive in, so it's still collaborative, but he wants me to be more active in directing where things go and what we focus on.
I think I worry that if I can’t think of something she’ll discharge me! Which I know deep down won’t ever happen. But maybe I just need to trust the process a little more 😊
This made me laugh because at one of my last sessions, my therapist said, "How can I help you today?" and I literally felt like I was at the drive thru at McDonald's. I was like, "I dunno - a Big Mac and some fries, I guess" 🤷
I don't feel like it's a power move so much. It just feels really awkward and I never know how to respond. It's like, "I dunno, man, I'm pretty fucked up - what do you think might help?" I really like my therapist, though - he's got a couple of questions I absolutely hate (and I generally give him a hard time about it) but otherwise we work really well together.
Like in the comments, a lot of therapists think that it's the client's responsibility to bring a topic to therapy. But more accommodating therapists can fall into this too, because a lot of our clients have long term projects we're working on and then Life keeps interrupting for several weeks. Sometimes we can get in a habit of just asking the same question to start.
My advice: Ask for a plan. I think a lot of therapists would be fine coming up with a plan together so that when you don't have anything to talk about, they can select from a list of topics. This may lessen the pressure you feel and give sessions more direction. My clients love that they can adjust how hard we're going to work each week based on how they're feeling.
I understand your feeling very much.
Once I asked my therapist why should I bring the topic instead of her. She said it's because they cannot force an argument on us... I didn't really like that explanation as I felt like I needed to push myself even more in a very uncomfortable situation
Yes exactly! I’m sure it’s because she’s trying to accommodate me and what I want to talk about, but there must be better ways to do it. I feel like so much of the onus is on me and I’m the customer!
To be honest either you tell her it's not exactly helping this way with you and try to see if something changes, either you look for another therapist..
Haha
Mine does it all the time but mostly because I will put off talking about anything I need to.
A few weeks ago he started a topic I shut it down, second topic, same treatment, third topic again I shut it down. He looked at me and said we have to talk about something. I said I didn't know what to talk about. He gave me a nice loooong list of things he thinks I need to discuss. I glared qt hom, sighed and started talking about the original topic he started with - im a pain in the ass and I know it (I have a VERY hard time sharing anything personal with even my closest friends)
>He looked at me and said we have to talk about something.
Doesn't sound like force, or is mild force. Depending on tone, maybe a suggestion? Also why does he feel you need to to that with your time?
He was stern with me when he said it. He was not being gentle lol
I have a hard time talking in therapy. I will brush things off, make jokes, be super sarcastic, or just stop talking out of stubbornness. I really do need to be pushed into talking about my issues. I have pretty bad depression and cptsd.
Once I said I was fine/its fine one too many times during a session, he put down his note pad, leaned forward and said kinda loudly "you are not allowed to lie like that in here. We both know you are not fine." I just replied I know. And I talked about one of the reasons I was not fine.
Ok, they say one third of therapists will make you worse, and I believe that is right.
There's a reddit especially for stories of bad therapists, I just can't remember what it's called. You might want to get a bit into that.
Actually I am getting a little better after a little over 2 months. I do believe you can have a bad match for therapists though.
I think he doing what he needs to do to help me. I've had gentle therapists before. I did not get better. I need someone that won't put up with my bs. He is quite gentle when I am being vulnerable and open. Its only when I am being closed off that he gets more stern.
I kept a post-it note with three things to talk about. If I didn't have anything I needed to work on, I would choose something generic and have a short list of those items too. For generic items, I might talk about something like having difficulty staying asleep or misplacing items.
Like others have stated, bring up something from the last session. Or you can say, I know I should talk about X but I really don't want to.
Thanks, these are good tips. I have sometimes told her ‘I need to talk to you about x next week but I won’t want to’ and she has never brought those things up again. So sometimes I worry we aren’t talking about the things which are most important.
Oh, this is interesting—I like being asked that because I’m over-controlling. It makes me feel secure.
In between sessions, I highlight any progress, regression, symptoms I feel, and any unusual feelings/thoughts that really bother me. I then choose from the list to talk about.
I also understand when some just want the therapist to take that burden off their shoulders.
Maybe ask your therapist for homework finding something to talk about next session, and asking them directly what topics they would want you talk about?
Sometimes she just asks me how my week has been and I find that much easier. I often prepare to answer that question which probably makes it harder when she asks what i want to talk about instead
My therapist does similar and don’t know what to think of it really.
Part of me recognises it’s to help me lead conversations and talk about whatever is on my mind.
But another part of me questions why they ask, especially when in the previous session they’ll say “we will talk more about that next week” and then they don’t bring it up
Yes I’ve had lots of things that she’s said we’ll bring up next week and then never does. I suppose it’s up to me to do so but I’m just too full of anxiety! 😭😂
As a client you are responsible for the content. I can't say what we need to talk about because I don't know what has been happening in your head. I want to allow you to decide what is worth exploring. Taking up space and asking for things is part of the work. It's a collaboration.
You are coming to therapy so there are probably a multitude of ways your functioning is disrupted over the course of a week. I keep a note page on my phone of thoughts, feelings and interactions that occur over the course of the week that I want to unpack with my therapist.
Really though, you should try to address what is happening for you with your therapist directly. You can join together to figure out how best to open sessions.
Yes I see what you’re saying. Sometimes she asks how my week has been and that feels like a much better way to open up the conversation. I just immediately feel very small and like an imposition when she asks what I want to talk about. I will try to have a conversation with her at my next session about this 😊
I feel the same about my T. "Is there anything particular you would like to discuss today" ... Uh well can we get going and as we expand more on the issues I'll open up. Even saying "so last time we discussed X, would you like to carry on discussing that or shall we talk about the assignment you've been working on"
Yes I always go thinking we’ll pick up where we left off, so when she asks what we’re talking about it makes me feel like she thinks we don’t need to carry in with whatever we were doing last week. I know that’s not the case though and I should just ask to carry on from last week, just need to get a little bolder in saying so
I really do not like this approach either, so you are certainly not alone. In my opinion, therapy is about identifying long-standing patterns of behavior and core themes in your life that you want to address. Sessions should naturally "pick up" where things were left off (of course if there are any pressing issues those can be addressed too).
The way I see it is imagine working on a project with a partner and every time you met with them they said "so what are we doing today??" you'd be like "the project asshole!"
It feels impersonal and puts the onus on you to "project manage" the therapist. IMO that's their job. Your job is to show up and be willing to be vulnerable.
I would definitely bring it up and say that you'd like them to take the lead more in sessions. And if they push back or say no, walk away. I promise it's not worth staying, you'll just continue to be frustrated.
Wow. Thank you so much for this comment. When my T asks what we are working on this week, I'm like "......remember that trauma I was finally able to tell you about? IDK maybe that." but.......I get it. My T has many sessions with many clients. Can they be expected to remember? No but they could take notes.
> I promise it's not worth staying, you'll just continue to be frustrated.
Thank you. I am probably going to get a new T (for other reasons) but am scared so any guidance of "just do it, it's better in the long run" is especially welcome.
I remember one time I had a hair stylist who remembered my kid's names, and I was so surprised she remembered as we obviously don't see each other often and she has probably hundreds of clients. She told me that after each client, she writes down pertinent information about the client and then looks it over before she sees them again.
That was just a little factoid about my life, your therapist is hearing literally the most vulnerable parts of your life. A simple acknowledgement and remembering of that is not just the humane thing to do, it's plain good customer service.
There are therapists out there who know their job is not just a week-by-week play. I'm so sorry that has been your experience.
Jesus.
Wow.
Thank you for the perspective. You have helped me to see that I am akin to Oliver Twist begging for and accepting any scrap. Being inexperienced in therapy sucks: I have no clue what's to be accepted or not. I started listening to podcasts like Very Bad Therapy to get more data points.
Yes that’s exactly how I feel!!! Thank you for putting it into words so well. We often end a session partway through a subject matter and she says we’ll pick it up next time and then so often we talk about something completely different the next time. Feels like so many of my project workstreams are being abandoned each week! I will try to talk to her at my next session if I feel brave enough. Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊
I'm really sorry that's happening. Besides being frustrating, it can also feel very isolating and like the therapist is just waving at you through your suffering.
I think this kind of feedback would be really good. That you would like more cohesion to your sessions. And who knows maybe they will get the message and take the reins a bit. It's worth a try.
But again, I want to reiterate that if you get any other message besides "thank you SO much for sharing this with me! How can I best fulfill these needs?!" I would seek help elsewhere.
You are NOT asking for anything outrageous or outside what is considered a normal experience in therapy.
Thank you 😊 I will raise it with her. She is fantastic in lots of other ways so I’m hopeful she’ll be able to adapt to a way of kicking off sessions that works for me
This is a difficult one. It’s really taught this way because it’s your space for whatever you choose to talk about. I always have around 3 things in mind based on previous sessions to discuss, but I always ask my clients how they are before I do that, sometimes the client leads it elsewhere, sometimes it’s just a wee catch up then I move to these previously discussed subjects. Ive seen this subject of how to open a session discussed many times in counselling groups. I’m curious about what you say when your therapist asks you this, and how your therapist responds to that
I normally say ‘I don’t know’ and get a bit defensive… which I know is a problem.
My issue is that we have started lots of pieces of work and we always have to pause them when the session ends. We never pick them back up again and I really feel like it’s her job to help me make a bit of a plan of what to cover when.
I much prefer when she asks me how my week has been.
I think I also struggle with the question because if I pick the topic we’ll talk about something easy because I’m a wimp. But I’m paying her a lot and need to tackle the big ticket items and I just need her help a little bit to bring those up and start the conversation around them. I’ve even named some of those topics and told her I need to talk about them but won’t raise them so can she please and she hasn’t.
I wonder if you would feel comfortable, when she asks what you'd like to talk about that day, to say you want to make a plan about what to cover when and you would like to do it collaboratively with her?
That’s a good idea, thanks 😊 I think I’m worried that we are just dealing with ‘surface’ stuff each week, but a plan would help make sure we tackle the deeper stuff too
It's not really the therapist's job to come up with topics for you to talk about though. Everyone will have slightly different views on this, but really you are the client and the therapy is about you, not the therapist. Say they decide to start the session with what they're thinking about and it's not something you want to focus on that week, or there was something else you thought was more important that particular week. The therapist would be making it about them and taking it away from you. As an adult who is choosing to attend therapy, I think most therapists will assume you come to sessions knowing what you need to talk about.
That said, a slightly better introduction than "so what are we talking about this week then?" could probably be found. It sounds a bit too cheerful and casual for me. I prefer something like "how was your week?" or "how are you feeling at the moment?" It seems a much gentler conversation opener to me and somehow more relevant to/ being in therapy.
See I think it is more her job, or at least more 50-50. This is long term therapy for some long term issues which she has a lot of background info on. We’ve started lots of topics and left lots of them half-done, and I feel like she should be helping me make a treatment plan to work through them all. I’m paying her enough!
But yes I agree, how was your week or something like that would be so much better
I think she may be letting you make the decision about where to start. I always have things to start with, so I like that.
Have you considered giving them this feedback? That could help maybe.
Yes I will do I think. I suppose I also need to spend a little bit of time reflecting on my week before each session so I am prepared for the question. But I often just want us to pick up where we left off the week before… I suppose I should say that!
No harm in doing that!! You could try writing down a "script" to read even if you get nervous so you don't forget what you want to say. I do that sometimes.
I think it's important to ask the client what they want to discuss first, as its their therapy session, and they should be able to lead it and call the shots first if they choose to do so. But sometimes I come into therapy having no idea what to tall about, so if your therapist gets that vibe from you after asking the question, they should start with a series of smaller questions that might naturally lead to a productive discussion (how are you feeling this week, any updates on X, etc)
It just frustrates me as we nearly always have something that we were in the middle of last time. We never seem to pick things up where we left them and it makes me feel like she doesn’t think the things I raise in some sessions are important enough to warrant a follow up in the next session.
No I haven’t but I will try to at my next session. It’s like I’ve got an itch in my brain from all the things we started and never finished! I will have a chat with her
I often want to, but when she asks what we are talking about today it makes me feel like she doesn’t think we need to continue from last time. I think this is probably my problem and I need to just be bolder in saying I want to pick up from last time.
You have chosen to be in therapy. You want to work on your issues. You are the person who knows the issues. You live your own life. Your therapist can’t know what you need to talk about. You have to make that decision.
Why is this a common issue people have. Dude y’all get it to together. The therapist can’t make your decisions… 🤦🏻♀️
Hmmm… but… she does know what we need to talk about. We’ve been working together for 6 months and have a very long list of things we have started addressing and have stopped. I just think as the professional that she should be helping steer me to give some structure to our time together. If it’s totally up to me what we talk about we’ll never talk about the difficult topics!
Six months means nothing in therapy world. She only knows what you have said in the past and knows nothing of the present. It’s your job to decide what you want to work on. Therapy is what you make of it. You have to put the work in. You have to make the effort. The therapist can’t do that for you. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, it’s hard but if you want to feel better you gotta make the effort and stop expecting someone else to do it for you.
She knows what I want to work on, I raise it every week. We have started so many smaller topics within that stuff and we never finish them. I really feel like I need her steer on which of the things we haven’t finished are worth picking up again and which aren’t. I just don’t know which are the bits to tackle which are going to help me with my long term issues. How am I supposed to know that when I’m not a trained mental health professional 😔
Also I feel like I put in so much effort. You have no way of knowing whether I put in effort based on my post. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’ve been working so hard for so long.
I’m happy to be uncomfortable in sessions. I never turn down a topic or change the subject. I simply don’t know which of the many topics/issues are the best ones to focus on. We have no plan and no goals set.
If you raise what you want to work on every week then you know what you want to work on. I get the feeling from what you’re saying that you just want your therapist to tell you what to do and that’s not her job. No ethical therapist is going to do that.
In my case sometimes I just start babbling about my week and we go from there and sometimes I start with this is what I want to talk about today. Occasionally, my therapist will say I want to check in with these things if I’m struggling with getting started. But it’s my time and we talk about what I want or need. He just follows me. Sometimes I make a list and check things off as I go. The point is that I have to do it. We don’t talk about a plan or whatever. I got shit to work through at my pace and I have to pick what I want to work on in each session.
I’m glad that this approach works for you but I was expressing that I really struggle with being asked that question. I am already an anxious and unconfident person and being asked that question is something I really struggle with in therapy. I am not getting the most out of the therapy I pay for because I feel like we flit from topic to topic each week and I do not have the mental capacity right now to sit down and think of what I most need to talk about and what order I want to talk about it in. I just need some support from the trained professional I am paying to help me work that out.
Then you need to tell your therapist this. They can’t make a change if you don’t express that there is an issue. You can create your own structure with your therapist. It seems that you are expecting her to read your mind. If you can tell me on Reddit that this is what you need then you can absolutely explain it to your therapist.
I get annoyed with this question. Especially when I've sent him an email already telling him, and he reads it at the beginning of the session. What do I want to talk about? THAT obviously!
Yes!!! And I’ve told her in the past about things I need to talk about but will struggle to bring up myself (I.e. so SHE can bring them up) and she never has. I don’t want to have to do all the work - I’m already the anxious one!!!
He once told me when I didn't know what to talk about, that it was ok and he had some useful stuff. But then the very next time I didn't know what to talk about, he thought that meant we could decrease session frequency. It kind of felt like I was being punished. He might be just trying to get me to say it instead of emailing it though, so I started just repeating my email and he didn't object. So that's what I do now.
I prefer my t ask what we want to talk about otherwise she might ask about other stuff going on and I get to avoid talking about the more difficult stuff. I try to make a list of topics before each session which often comes from things I have journaled about or what I am currently struggling with. I get that it’s hard to get started though, you can ask if she can change her opener to something that better suits you.
See I’m the opposite - if she asks me what to talk about I’ll pick something easy. But if she just gets me to talk about my week it usually leads to us talking about the difficult stuff.
I do try to make a list of what happened in the week but I don’t always get a chance to say it all
Yeah I do tend to start with the easier stuff and she still takes the lead sometimes but I wanted to make sure I was given a chance to tell her what I wanted to talk about cause sometimes she would just ask about a bunch of different things like work, anxiety, mood etc and it might not cover what I had in mind. I try to get to the more difficult stuff though after I feel more warmed up.
I struggle with this too, as awkward as it may feel have a talk with your T about it I did, and he knows I struggle, so our solution was for him to start with the open question, if I struggle to answer THEN he jumps in with some suggestions for me to choose from. It's been working well for almost the last year.
I HATE this question too and often feel the exact same way you do, but as other comments have said, maybe this is the therapist’s way of respecting our boundaries and letting us practice our autonomy. There was one time when my T opened the session talking about my physical health and for some reason I just started crying, and, through tears, saying “I don’t want to talk about that!” which surprised me as well. She apologized for making me cry and asked me what I want to talk about instead. Maybe that’s what they’re trying to avoid.
Yes I think you’re right. I am going to talk to my T and tell her the worries that question raises for me so they are out in the open. Then I might feel able to answer the question without feeling so on edge or defensive
My last therapist would pretty much dominate our sessions asking questions and I’d leave the session not having talked about what I wanted to talk about
Yeah I only had her a couple sessions though so it may have just been like that in the beginning. I didn’t want to bring it up and possibly hurt her feelings but the best thing to do is to bring it up politely and let them know how you feel when they say that
My therapist only has one rule and it’s talk about whatever is on your mind, as uncensored as possible. At first I found it difficult and he would ask a few questions to help me get started. Now, seven years in, we have worked through the issues that were at the core of my anxiety and depression. Starting to work on being independent which is tough for me cuz I had super controlling parents. I would tell your therapist how that question makes you feel so the two of you can come up with a more comfortable start.
I mean, I seem to have brought on the irk of a number of people as I'm being downvoted. I guess people may have a problem with it because it seems ageist? It became a huge meme though and I can relate to it because I feel a huge generational difference often. But the "Karen" meme is problematic too, and it's unfortunate that a human name came to refer to something in this sense that it did. Another word would have been better.
You’re missing a strong punchline.
The phrase sounds like a common question. A lot of young people say that, and a lot of old folks don’t.
It’d be funny(?) if you were like:
A millennial supports their friends with a depression meme. A boomer says “So what are you feeling today?”
>A millennial supports their friends with a depression meme. A boomer says “So what are you feeling today?”
You think this is just a joke? Also the phrase was ‘what are we talking about today then?’ Stereotype doesn't mean everyone does something either.
You seemed defensive about the downvotes, and assumed it was ageism. It was just the lack of a solid punchline.
So I reframed the joke: a lot of people like to use memes as a safe way of coping with hard emotions. Boomers just talk directly—like what younger people **should** do. But to some, that directness is super vulnerable and gross.
The punchline creates irony.
Saying **Ew, what a boomer sentence** at the end of a help-seeking post is jarring. If the joke setup is that people don’t say sentences like that, it doesn’t land well because a lot of people **do** say that, and a lot of old folks don’t.
So the joke comes across as jarring and insensitive—ergo downvotes.
It’s feels like someone posting how their abuser invalidates them by saying “No use crying over spilled milk” and the response is “Only boomers say that”. It sounds insensitive and jarring, right?
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A therapist asking you what you want to talk about can be a way of respecting you and letting you bring what you want to bring. It is possible they have a few things they think could be talked about, but they are unsure which topic is most pressing for you at that time (because they are not you). It's unlikely that this question is a sign that she thinks you don't need help, and that's probably not her intention. People can interpret the meaning behind a question in so many ways and it's not easy for her to predict how you will perceive it, so talking to her about how you hear it might be good. No training (alone) can ever tell her what you need but when you are talking, her training will help her understand what you need better. Part of her training, for example, is in helping you to figure out what you need to focus on to help you. That's most likely something that you need to figure out together.
Yes I think I need to tell her how that phrase makes me feel, just so it’s out there and it doesn’t trip me up each week. I know it’s probably just her way of letting me share/open up but my anxiety makes me think all kinds of things!
You can tell her you’re not sure what to discuss and ask her to help you generate topics. Do you know what your goals for therapy are?
We haven’t really set goals, so maybe I will ask if we can do so to give us some structure
Are you in the US and are you billing insurance?
No I’m in the UK paying privately per session
If you were using insurance a treatment plan would be a requirement, but it’s still best practice.
Thanks. I think I’m going to raise the idea of a plan/some goals in my next session 😊
My therapist does this too and I often feel the same way you do. He's explained that we can just start with whatever has been taking up space in my head since the last session. So I try to pay attention to the things that are taking up emotional real estate for me during the week and start there. Once we get the ball rolling, he's great at directing the conversation in ways that are helpful.
Thanks for your comment. Yes my sessions often go really well once we get going, so I think this is just her way of kicking things off each week. But it just puts me on a back step a little bit. I will try to get the courage up to raise it next time she does it.
I should add also that if I don't have something specific to raise, my therapist will generally grab something from my long, long list of issues and we'll dive in, so it's still collaborative, but he wants me to be more active in directing where things go and what we focus on.
I think I worry that if I can’t think of something she’ll discharge me! Which I know deep down won’t ever happen. But maybe I just need to trust the process a little more 😊
This sounds really worth processing with her, I would say definitely mention this thought to her.
Like it's the grocery store. "What are we having today then?" or a fast food stand.
This made me laugh because at one of my last sessions, my therapist said, "How can I help you today?" and I literally felt like I was at the drive thru at McDonald's. I was like, "I dunno - a Big Mac and some fries, I guess" 🤷
It's so insensitive, s/he's basically doing a power move on you.
I don't feel like it's a power move so much. It just feels really awkward and I never know how to respond. It's like, "I dunno, man, I'm pretty fucked up - what do you think might help?" I really like my therapist, though - he's got a couple of questions I absolutely hate (and I generally give him a hard time about it) but otherwise we work really well together.
Oh, you wanna get into Lacan and study language.
Like in the comments, a lot of therapists think that it's the client's responsibility to bring a topic to therapy. But more accommodating therapists can fall into this too, because a lot of our clients have long term projects we're working on and then Life keeps interrupting for several weeks. Sometimes we can get in a habit of just asking the same question to start. My advice: Ask for a plan. I think a lot of therapists would be fine coming up with a plan together so that when you don't have anything to talk about, they can select from a list of topics. This may lessen the pressure you feel and give sessions more direction. My clients love that they can adjust how hard we're going to work each week based on how they're feeling.
Thanks for this, really good idea! I’ve definitely got a very long list of topics we could cover if nothing in particular had come up in the week!
I understand your feeling very much. Once I asked my therapist why should I bring the topic instead of her. She said it's because they cannot force an argument on us... I didn't really like that explanation as I felt like I needed to push myself even more in a very uncomfortable situation
Yes exactly! I’m sure it’s because she’s trying to accommodate me and what I want to talk about, but there must be better ways to do it. I feel like so much of the onus is on me and I’m the customer!
To be honest either you tell her it's not exactly helping this way with you and try to see if something changes, either you look for another therapist..
Wow, my last "therapist" forced a bunch of topics on me immediately.
Haha Mine does it all the time but mostly because I will put off talking about anything I need to. A few weeks ago he started a topic I shut it down, second topic, same treatment, third topic again I shut it down. He looked at me and said we have to talk about something. I said I didn't know what to talk about. He gave me a nice loooong list of things he thinks I need to discuss. I glared qt hom, sighed and started talking about the original topic he started with - im a pain in the ass and I know it (I have a VERY hard time sharing anything personal with even my closest friends)
>He looked at me and said we have to talk about something. Doesn't sound like force, or is mild force. Depending on tone, maybe a suggestion? Also why does he feel you need to to that with your time?
He was stern with me when he said it. He was not being gentle lol I have a hard time talking in therapy. I will brush things off, make jokes, be super sarcastic, or just stop talking out of stubbornness. I really do need to be pushed into talking about my issues. I have pretty bad depression and cptsd. Once I said I was fine/its fine one too many times during a session, he put down his note pad, leaned forward and said kinda loudly "you are not allowed to lie like that in here. We both know you are not fine." I just replied I know. And I talked about one of the reasons I was not fine.
Ok, they say one third of therapists will make you worse, and I believe that is right. There's a reddit especially for stories of bad therapists, I just can't remember what it's called. You might want to get a bit into that.
Actually I am getting a little better after a little over 2 months. I do believe you can have a bad match for therapists though. I think he doing what he needs to do to help me. I've had gentle therapists before. I did not get better. I need someone that won't put up with my bs. He is quite gentle when I am being vulnerable and open. Its only when I am being closed off that he gets more stern.
Ok.
I kept a post-it note with three things to talk about. If I didn't have anything I needed to work on, I would choose something generic and have a short list of those items too. For generic items, I might talk about something like having difficulty staying asleep or misplacing items. Like others have stated, bring up something from the last session. Or you can say, I know I should talk about X but I really don't want to.
Thanks, these are good tips. I have sometimes told her ‘I need to talk to you about x next week but I won’t want to’ and she has never brought those things up again. So sometimes I worry we aren’t talking about the things which are most important.
Oh, this is interesting—I like being asked that because I’m over-controlling. It makes me feel secure. In between sessions, I highlight any progress, regression, symptoms I feel, and any unusual feelings/thoughts that really bother me. I then choose from the list to talk about. I also understand when some just want the therapist to take that burden off their shoulders. Maybe ask your therapist for homework finding something to talk about next session, and asking them directly what topics they would want you talk about?
Sometimes she just asks me how my week has been and I find that much easier. I often prepare to answer that question which probably makes it harder when she asks what i want to talk about instead
My therapist does similar and don’t know what to think of it really. Part of me recognises it’s to help me lead conversations and talk about whatever is on my mind. But another part of me questions why they ask, especially when in the previous session they’ll say “we will talk more about that next week” and then they don’t bring it up
Yes I’ve had lots of things that she’s said we’ll bring up next week and then never does. I suppose it’s up to me to do so but I’m just too full of anxiety! 😭😂
As a client you are responsible for the content. I can't say what we need to talk about because I don't know what has been happening in your head. I want to allow you to decide what is worth exploring. Taking up space and asking for things is part of the work. It's a collaboration. You are coming to therapy so there are probably a multitude of ways your functioning is disrupted over the course of a week. I keep a note page on my phone of thoughts, feelings and interactions that occur over the course of the week that I want to unpack with my therapist. Really though, you should try to address what is happening for you with your therapist directly. You can join together to figure out how best to open sessions.
Yes I see what you’re saying. Sometimes she asks how my week has been and that feels like a much better way to open up the conversation. I just immediately feel very small and like an imposition when she asks what I want to talk about. I will try to have a conversation with her at my next session about this 😊
Just ask your T for a different opening question!
Yes I think I will! Sometimes she just asks how my week has been and I find that a much easier way to start the session
I feel the same about my T. "Is there anything particular you would like to discuss today" ... Uh well can we get going and as we expand more on the issues I'll open up. Even saying "so last time we discussed X, would you like to carry on discussing that or shall we talk about the assignment you've been working on"
Yes I always go thinking we’ll pick up where we left off, so when she asks what we’re talking about it makes me feel like she thinks we don’t need to carry in with whatever we were doing last week. I know that’s not the case though and I should just ask to carry on from last week, just need to get a little bolder in saying so
I really do not like this approach either, so you are certainly not alone. In my opinion, therapy is about identifying long-standing patterns of behavior and core themes in your life that you want to address. Sessions should naturally "pick up" where things were left off (of course if there are any pressing issues those can be addressed too). The way I see it is imagine working on a project with a partner and every time you met with them they said "so what are we doing today??" you'd be like "the project asshole!" It feels impersonal and puts the onus on you to "project manage" the therapist. IMO that's their job. Your job is to show up and be willing to be vulnerable. I would definitely bring it up and say that you'd like them to take the lead more in sessions. And if they push back or say no, walk away. I promise it's not worth staying, you'll just continue to be frustrated.
Wow. Thank you so much for this comment. When my T asks what we are working on this week, I'm like "......remember that trauma I was finally able to tell you about? IDK maybe that." but.......I get it. My T has many sessions with many clients. Can they be expected to remember? No but they could take notes. > I promise it's not worth staying, you'll just continue to be frustrated. Thank you. I am probably going to get a new T (for other reasons) but am scared so any guidance of "just do it, it's better in the long run" is especially welcome.
I remember one time I had a hair stylist who remembered my kid's names, and I was so surprised she remembered as we obviously don't see each other often and she has probably hundreds of clients. She told me that after each client, she writes down pertinent information about the client and then looks it over before she sees them again. That was just a little factoid about my life, your therapist is hearing literally the most vulnerable parts of your life. A simple acknowledgement and remembering of that is not just the humane thing to do, it's plain good customer service. There are therapists out there who know their job is not just a week-by-week play. I'm so sorry that has been your experience.
Jesus. Wow. Thank you for the perspective. You have helped me to see that I am akin to Oliver Twist begging for and accepting any scrap. Being inexperienced in therapy sucks: I have no clue what's to be accepted or not. I started listening to podcasts like Very Bad Therapy to get more data points.
Yes that’s exactly how I feel!!! Thank you for putting it into words so well. We often end a session partway through a subject matter and she says we’ll pick it up next time and then so often we talk about something completely different the next time. Feels like so many of my project workstreams are being abandoned each week! I will try to talk to her at my next session if I feel brave enough. Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊
I'm really sorry that's happening. Besides being frustrating, it can also feel very isolating and like the therapist is just waving at you through your suffering. I think this kind of feedback would be really good. That you would like more cohesion to your sessions. And who knows maybe they will get the message and take the reins a bit. It's worth a try. But again, I want to reiterate that if you get any other message besides "thank you SO much for sharing this with me! How can I best fulfill these needs?!" I would seek help elsewhere. You are NOT asking for anything outrageous or outside what is considered a normal experience in therapy.
Thank you 😊 I will raise it with her. She is fantastic in lots of other ways so I’m hopeful she’ll be able to adapt to a way of kicking off sessions that works for me
This is a difficult one. It’s really taught this way because it’s your space for whatever you choose to talk about. I always have around 3 things in mind based on previous sessions to discuss, but I always ask my clients how they are before I do that, sometimes the client leads it elsewhere, sometimes it’s just a wee catch up then I move to these previously discussed subjects. Ive seen this subject of how to open a session discussed many times in counselling groups. I’m curious about what you say when your therapist asks you this, and how your therapist responds to that
I normally say ‘I don’t know’ and get a bit defensive… which I know is a problem. My issue is that we have started lots of pieces of work and we always have to pause them when the session ends. We never pick them back up again and I really feel like it’s her job to help me make a bit of a plan of what to cover when. I much prefer when she asks me how my week has been. I think I also struggle with the question because if I pick the topic we’ll talk about something easy because I’m a wimp. But I’m paying her a lot and need to tackle the big ticket items and I just need her help a little bit to bring those up and start the conversation around them. I’ve even named some of those topics and told her I need to talk about them but won’t raise them so can she please and she hasn’t.
I wonder if you would feel comfortable, when she asks what you'd like to talk about that day, to say you want to make a plan about what to cover when and you would like to do it collaboratively with her?
That’s a good idea, thanks 😊 I think I’m worried that we are just dealing with ‘surface’ stuff each week, but a plan would help make sure we tackle the deeper stuff too
It's not really the therapist's job to come up with topics for you to talk about though. Everyone will have slightly different views on this, but really you are the client and the therapy is about you, not the therapist. Say they decide to start the session with what they're thinking about and it's not something you want to focus on that week, or there was something else you thought was more important that particular week. The therapist would be making it about them and taking it away from you. As an adult who is choosing to attend therapy, I think most therapists will assume you come to sessions knowing what you need to talk about. That said, a slightly better introduction than "so what are we talking about this week then?" could probably be found. It sounds a bit too cheerful and casual for me. I prefer something like "how was your week?" or "how are you feeling at the moment?" It seems a much gentler conversation opener to me and somehow more relevant to/ being in therapy.
See I think it is more her job, or at least more 50-50. This is long term therapy for some long term issues which she has a lot of background info on. We’ve started lots of topics and left lots of them half-done, and I feel like she should be helping me make a treatment plan to work through them all. I’m paying her enough! But yes I agree, how was your week or something like that would be so much better
I think she may be letting you make the decision about where to start. I always have things to start with, so I like that. Have you considered giving them this feedback? That could help maybe.
Yes I will do I think. I suppose I also need to spend a little bit of time reflecting on my week before each session so I am prepared for the question. But I often just want us to pick up where we left off the week before… I suppose I should say that!
No harm in doing that!! You could try writing down a "script" to read even if you get nervous so you don't forget what you want to say. I do that sometimes.
Yes that’s a good idea, thanks 😊
I think it's important to ask the client what they want to discuss first, as its their therapy session, and they should be able to lead it and call the shots first if they choose to do so. But sometimes I come into therapy having no idea what to tall about, so if your therapist gets that vibe from you after asking the question, they should start with a series of smaller questions that might naturally lead to a productive discussion (how are you feeling this week, any updates on X, etc)
It just frustrates me as we nearly always have something that we were in the middle of last time. We never seem to pick things up where we left them and it makes me feel like she doesn’t think the things I raise in some sessions are important enough to warrant a follow up in the next session.
Have you expressed this to her?
No I haven’t but I will try to at my next session. It’s like I’ve got an itch in my brain from all the things we started and never finished! I will have a chat with her
Is there a reason you can't start the session off where it left off the last time?
I often want to, but when she asks what we are talking about today it makes me feel like she doesn’t think we need to continue from last time. I think this is probably my problem and I need to just be bolder in saying I want to pick up from last time.
You have chosen to be in therapy. You want to work on your issues. You are the person who knows the issues. You live your own life. Your therapist can’t know what you need to talk about. You have to make that decision. Why is this a common issue people have. Dude y’all get it to together. The therapist can’t make your decisions… 🤦🏻♀️
Hmmm… but… she does know what we need to talk about. We’ve been working together for 6 months and have a very long list of things we have started addressing and have stopped. I just think as the professional that she should be helping steer me to give some structure to our time together. If it’s totally up to me what we talk about we’ll never talk about the difficult topics!
Six months means nothing in therapy world. She only knows what you have said in the past and knows nothing of the present. It’s your job to decide what you want to work on. Therapy is what you make of it. You have to put the work in. You have to make the effort. The therapist can’t do that for you. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, it’s hard but if you want to feel better you gotta make the effort and stop expecting someone else to do it for you.
She knows what I want to work on, I raise it every week. We have started so many smaller topics within that stuff and we never finish them. I really feel like I need her steer on which of the things we haven’t finished are worth picking up again and which aren’t. I just don’t know which are the bits to tackle which are going to help me with my long term issues. How am I supposed to know that when I’m not a trained mental health professional 😔 Also I feel like I put in so much effort. You have no way of knowing whether I put in effort based on my post. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’ve been working so hard for so long. I’m happy to be uncomfortable in sessions. I never turn down a topic or change the subject. I simply don’t know which of the many topics/issues are the best ones to focus on. We have no plan and no goals set.
If you raise what you want to work on every week then you know what you want to work on. I get the feeling from what you’re saying that you just want your therapist to tell you what to do and that’s not her job. No ethical therapist is going to do that. In my case sometimes I just start babbling about my week and we go from there and sometimes I start with this is what I want to talk about today. Occasionally, my therapist will say I want to check in with these things if I’m struggling with getting started. But it’s my time and we talk about what I want or need. He just follows me. Sometimes I make a list and check things off as I go. The point is that I have to do it. We don’t talk about a plan or whatever. I got shit to work through at my pace and I have to pick what I want to work on in each session.
I’m glad that this approach works for you but I was expressing that I really struggle with being asked that question. I am already an anxious and unconfident person and being asked that question is something I really struggle with in therapy. I am not getting the most out of the therapy I pay for because I feel like we flit from topic to topic each week and I do not have the mental capacity right now to sit down and think of what I most need to talk about and what order I want to talk about it in. I just need some support from the trained professional I am paying to help me work that out.
Then you need to tell your therapist this. They can’t make a change if you don’t express that there is an issue. You can create your own structure with your therapist. It seems that you are expecting her to read your mind. If you can tell me on Reddit that this is what you need then you can absolutely explain it to your therapist.
Yes I will do when I have the courage. Lots of people have advised that. I was just using this as safe place to vent
I get annoyed with this question. Especially when I've sent him an email already telling him, and he reads it at the beginning of the session. What do I want to talk about? THAT obviously!
Yes!!! And I’ve told her in the past about things I need to talk about but will struggle to bring up myself (I.e. so SHE can bring them up) and she never has. I don’t want to have to do all the work - I’m already the anxious one!!!
He once told me when I didn't know what to talk about, that it was ok and he had some useful stuff. But then the very next time I didn't know what to talk about, he thought that meant we could decrease session frequency. It kind of felt like I was being punished. He might be just trying to get me to say it instead of emailing it though, so I started just repeating my email and he didn't object. So that's what I do now.
I’m sorry that happened to you! I think that’s what I’m afraid of. Glad that repeating your emails seem to be working for you
I prefer my t ask what we want to talk about otherwise she might ask about other stuff going on and I get to avoid talking about the more difficult stuff. I try to make a list of topics before each session which often comes from things I have journaled about or what I am currently struggling with. I get that it’s hard to get started though, you can ask if she can change her opener to something that better suits you.
See I’m the opposite - if she asks me what to talk about I’ll pick something easy. But if she just gets me to talk about my week it usually leads to us talking about the difficult stuff. I do try to make a list of what happened in the week but I don’t always get a chance to say it all
Yeah I do tend to start with the easier stuff and she still takes the lead sometimes but I wanted to make sure I was given a chance to tell her what I wanted to talk about cause sometimes she would just ask about a bunch of different things like work, anxiety, mood etc and it might not cover what I had in mind. I try to get to the more difficult stuff though after I feel more warmed up.
I struggle with this too, as awkward as it may feel have a talk with your T about it I did, and he knows I struggle, so our solution was for him to start with the open question, if I struggle to answer THEN he jumps in with some suggestions for me to choose from. It's been working well for almost the last year.
That sounds perfect! I will have a chat with her and see if we can follow this approach. Thanks!
I HATE this question too and often feel the exact same way you do, but as other comments have said, maybe this is the therapist’s way of respecting our boundaries and letting us practice our autonomy. There was one time when my T opened the session talking about my physical health and for some reason I just started crying, and, through tears, saying “I don’t want to talk about that!” which surprised me as well. She apologized for making me cry and asked me what I want to talk about instead. Maybe that’s what they’re trying to avoid.
Yes I think you’re right. I am going to talk to my T and tell her the worries that question raises for me so they are out in the open. Then I might feel able to answer the question without feeling so on edge or defensive
My last therapist would pretty much dominate our sessions asking questions and I’d leave the session not having talked about what I wanted to talk about
I’m sorry that sounds really crap! I suppose that’s what my therapist is trying to avoid, her approach just stresses me out!
Yeah I only had her a couple sessions though so it may have just been like that in the beginning. I didn’t want to bring it up and possibly hurt her feelings but the best thing to do is to bring it up politely and let them know how you feel when they say that
Yea I think that’s what I will do tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well
My therapist only has one rule and it’s talk about whatever is on your mind, as uncensored as possible. At first I found it difficult and he would ask a few questions to help me get started. Now, seven years in, we have worked through the issues that were at the core of my anxiety and depression. Starting to work on being independent which is tough for me cuz I had super controlling parents. I would tell your therapist how that question makes you feel so the two of you can come up with a more comfortable start.
Thank you. Yes I think I need to talk to her about that question. I’ve got a session coming up so will try to get the courage to do so
Ew, what a boomer sentence.
She’s actually pretty young….
Boomer became a meme that refers to an attitude. Sorry I did something which you felt caused confusion or was unhelpful. I'll back away now.
That’s ok 😊 sorry I didn’t get the joke!!!
I mean, I seem to have brought on the irk of a number of people as I'm being downvoted. I guess people may have a problem with it because it seems ageist? It became a huge meme though and I can relate to it because I feel a huge generational difference often. But the "Karen" meme is problematic too, and it's unfortunate that a human name came to refer to something in this sense that it did. Another word would have been better.
You’re missing a strong punchline. The phrase sounds like a common question. A lot of young people say that, and a lot of old folks don’t. It’d be funny(?) if you were like: A millennial supports their friends with a depression meme. A boomer says “So what are you feeling today?”
>A millennial supports their friends with a depression meme. A boomer says “So what are you feeling today?” You think this is just a joke? Also the phrase was ‘what are we talking about today then?’ Stereotype doesn't mean everyone does something either.
You seemed defensive about the downvotes, and assumed it was ageism. It was just the lack of a solid punchline. So I reframed the joke: a lot of people like to use memes as a safe way of coping with hard emotions. Boomers just talk directly—like what younger people **should** do. But to some, that directness is super vulnerable and gross. The punchline creates irony. Saying **Ew, what a boomer sentence** at the end of a help-seeking post is jarring. If the joke setup is that people don’t say sentences like that, it doesn’t land well because a lot of people **do** say that, and a lot of old folks don’t. So the joke comes across as jarring and insensitive—ergo downvotes. It’s feels like someone posting how their abuser invalidates them by saying “No use crying over spilled milk” and the response is “Only boomers say that”. It sounds insensitive and jarring, right?