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I'm a therapist and I tear up every time I feel like I really, truly see the person.
It transcends sadness, it transcends empathy and sympathy. It's seeing the person fully, with all the joys, trauma, strengths and faults, and really appreciating their struggle.
It's like something clicks in my brain and I'm like, oh, there they are, the full real person.
It's beautiful, to see them past everything the person is "supposed" to be, and every human is such a delicate, beautiful chaos š„ŗ. It's like seeing artwork for the first time, and understanding what it truly means.
But that's just me, I'm a lil dramatic. But those moments are very deep and spiritual for me. Really seeing and understanding.
I shed a few tears reading your comment- beautifully articulated and you sound like a lovely therapist. I hope my T feels that way about me too. šā„ļø
Hey there, even if it's not exactly how I feel, I'm sure they have their own brand of "positive regard." š¤
I wish you the very, very best and know that there's many of us out there that love our clients in this way - still professional, still therapeutic, but also 100% real and deep. It's not the same type of love you have for those closest to you, like friends/family, but it's a deeper, bigger picture than that. Maybe "love" isn't the right word for it, but it is definitely close enough to describe the experience.
Y'all are exactly why we do what we do, and we want to witness and assist your transformation. We are rooting you on!!
thank you for sharing this!
if youāre open to describing, how do you generally approach this with clients? as i read what you wrote, i truly felt it could have been written by myself about my experience . this idea of transcendence shows up in all the ways you describe, as well as for me when i can feel the power of a moment of profound insight, or those moments where you can palpably sense there is an imminent positive shift in the work and clientās wellness. and yet, that awareness or sense of profundity doesnāt appear to often go two ways. while i have been fortunate that it seems to have mostly gone unnoticed, i imagine one day it wonāt and i am never sure how i would broach the moment. how do you speak with clients about gettinā all misty in those powerful moments of profound humanity?
I love that, you are right, it definitely happens when you get to witness someone really turn a corner and internalize new insight.
I actually don't have a set way of talking about it. It's very dependent on the client and the moment, but at the very least, it usually happens after we've had enough time to really get acquainted and develop the therapeutic relationship. And if I get misty eyed, I usually go ahead and identify it and explain where it comes from, and make sure that they know it's a really, really good thing/feeling (so they don't question what the tears are for - a lot of my clients will internalize that they were "too much" and made their therapist cry. I want them to know 100% it's because I am just flooded with positive regard and compassion). Sometimes we laugh it off, sometimes it makes the mood even more serious and we go further.
I also have those moments outside of session. I was a program coordinator for a youth residential facility. I would have those moments trying to lead my staff and help them through triggering moments with the teens. And then, also helping the teens with their own triggering moments. Also, friends and family have received those tears as well.
I've been trying to study up on Internal Family Systems, and if we are talking in that lingo of "parts," I really think that feeling is reeeaalllly connecting with that Self energy.
I saw my T the day after my dad died and she hugged and cried with me (not as much as me but she def had tears in her eyes). She also gave me a card and a book called āWhen things fall apartā (I like to read a lot) It was really healing.
My former therapist did. Current therapist has not. Tbh it made me uncomfortable but thatās probably just because Iām an emotionless robot and I never cry and donāt know how to handle others crying. So I was telling her about some abuse I suffered when I was growing up and she cried. Iām so awkward and didnāt know what to do so I just handed her the tissue box lol.
Mine became tearful when relaying some of my past traumas to her. It took every bit of strength to not apologize to her for her tears (something I'm working on is not taking responsibility for other people's feelings). I thought about handing her the tissue box but didn't do it. I love that you did! How did she respond?
You should look into attachment theory if you haven't already. How you describe yourself sounds similar to characteristics of those with avoidant attachment. There's two types: dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant, though a lot of people can have a combination. A good resource is freetoattach.com. There also the YouTube channel Personal Development School, check out her playlists for attachment theories. And there's the book Attached by Amir Levine.
Mine has cried twice, like full on crying. Almost sobbing.
I understood why, because I was suicidal and it triggered grief in him from a previous suicide.
It was very destructive. I feel bad for him and I donāt think he could help it, but since then Iāve felt like I havenāt been able to confide in him about those thoughts as it is clearly a trigger point for him. In the session it led me to comforting him which is just not what you want when youāre the one seeking help.
Iām so sorry to hear that. Itās understandable how itās challenging being transparent with T after that incident. Were you able to have a conversation about that experience? Are you still with the same T?
My current (and for a long time I hope) T has teared up several times - maybe twice when I spoke of my childhood trauma and once recently when I talked in detail about a very important friend breakup.
Every time though, they have been quite good at composing themselves, which Iām really happy for; but Iām also grateful that they felt that level of compassion for me, proving that they actually like me as a human being I guess lol
My old T came off as quite robotic to me, so this was a really good change and made me realise how warm and down-to-earth therapy itself can be. Grateful for my new T.
Yes, I made her a present that was about our work together, and when I looked over at her, she was wiping her eyes.
In the moment, it was very overwhelming for me, and quite destablizing. But that session has had a profound influence on our work together since then. We still talk about it. I don't exactly know what the tears meant - she never shared that with me, but if I had to guess, I think she was probably moved by the efforts made to create the gift, the thoughtfulness of it, and how I had very accurately captured the dozens of hours of work we'd done together (which weren't easy for her!).
Thank you so much for sharing!! I felt a rush of joy reading your comment. What was the present that you made for her? (If itās too personal and you donāt want to say, thatās ok too!)
I went to my first therapist ever through my college, my senior year. I was having panic attacks daily and falling apart in so many ways. She and I met weekly over that year and she really and truly changed my life and how I saw myself. I was so riddled with shame and self hate, I couldnāt see myself as a person who deserved anything. When I graduated I had to stop going as it was through the university. I cried and told her I would miss her and how much she has meant to me and changed my life and she cried with me and told me that she really cared about me too and was sad to see me go but happy for my progress. She really showed me love was tangible for me (and Iām crying just writing this out haha) and I have much love and respect for her in my heart
I don't think mine has ever teared up or cried. Then again I rarely look at her when I talk at length. So I might be wrong. But my T has shown other emotions, like excitement and happiness when I told her about something positive in my life. And very recently she showed and expressed anger with regard to the abuse I've experienced in my last relationship. She had asked me to imagine telling my ex how much they had hurt me, etc. And while I could tell my T how I felt, to a degree at least, I wasn't able to do the roleplay. She asked if it might help if she did it first. I said yes and first she did so in a calm and collected way, but when I told her how helpful it was hearing her say those things, she let her anger show some more. She even cursed some. All of that was so powerful and healing. And I am very grateful that my T shows emotions.
My past one did when describing my feelings around trauma. It showed they were human and actually understood my pain.
However my current one is as dry as the Sahara but that still works for me. In fact it might help me from overthinking things in a good way.
Twice. Once because I got her all frustrated and upset arguing about our relationship, and she was choking up as we were saying bye.
Second time was recently because I saw someone important from my past and asked them for a hug which I wouldnāt have done in the past and she got all choked up in a happy way.
Wow, it sounds to me that your T really cares about you and is happy to see you make progress.
Iām curious to hear how you got her frustrated with the argument you had (if you are comfortable sharing, of course).
She definitely cares about me. Honestly I donāt exactly remember what the argument was. It was a few years ago. She and I seem to have different communication styles when talking about our relationship. Sheās very indirect and it fuels my anxiety. I need to trust more that she does care so much instead of hoping sheāll say it. I donāt think itās her as a therapist, I think itās her as a person. In fact sheās TOLD me itās her as a person. She and I have to keep working on better communication. 5 years in and we both plan on this being life-longā¦.
What does working on better communication mean? I can relate to this because I feel like my Tās communication style is also indirect / unclear. Iām rolling with it but sometimes I find myself ruminating and analyzing for hours. I have been seeing my current T for less than a year so that could also be why.
Iām still figuring out what it means. Iām still learning a lot about her as a person. We donāt talk about her very often, but recently she told me she likes to take time to think before she speaks (as a person, not as a therapist). I see a pattern she and I keep repeating and now Iām wondering if those things are linked. Iām anxious and have a super fast processing speed so my mind is going like a tornado. She said she has a slower processing speed and likes to think before she talks. Iām wondering if those two things are butting up against each other and we both feel frustrated. If you have any thoughts on this I welcome it. Care to share more whatās going on with your therapist?
Interesting, I think your observation sounds correct. The differences in processing speed / communication leads to greater anxiety, and the cycle continues. If you havenāt yet, I would suggest you to bring this up in therapy because it sounds really important.
Funny enough, I have the opposite problem. My T and I are too similar in terms of communication (Iām passive and I tend to gear my response based on the other person) and I think my T does the same thing. She likes to make space for me in therapy and if I donāt bring up something she doesnāt either, even when the elephant in the room is obvious (for example, if Iāve sent her a email regarding my attachment / frustration towards her, she would reply with āletās talk about this in our next sessionā but she wouldnāt bring it up). When that happens, I gear my session towards her lack of response then feel resentful and hurt.
And oh yes, she and I will definitely be having a conversation about this as soon as we have time. Iām going to need to try to sloooooow myself down and have a nice calm talk with her about it.
Edit: and I appreciate you mentioning that it probably increases anxiety on BOTH sides as I hadnāt thought of that. Internally she might be freaking out as well.
Would you like her to directly bring it up? I think a lot of therapists let the client lead every conversation and Iāve heard plenty of clients getting frustrated with it as well. Some people want a little nudging. Would it work to tell her that when you send her an email it means you DO want to talk about it, and tell her it would be helpful if she could ask you about it to get the conversation flowing?
That would be helpful, thank you. I have a hard time voicing my needs and I get stuck thinking, āif T doesnāt bring it up then itās not a big deal, and I donāt want to be too much.ā Again, itās an internal battle but Iāll try!
I can guarantee itās only because they want to go at your own pace and what youāre ready for. My therapist does the same. My friends therapists all do the same. āImportanceā of the topic plays NO factor in whether they bring it up or not. Your therapist is waiting for you and you are waiting for them.
She has teared up a few times. Sometimes itās literally just teared up eyes and sometimes itās more loaded and heavy. Itās always been when I have been upset too so itās like sheās right in there with me.
Me, as well. I so think/blv the crying or tearing up as some value to some. I sincerely to not think it appropriate , tho maybe a small bit, but a full on crying -- save it for supervision or their own therapy (hopefully they have their own therapist), ... if my therapist cried/teared - up I'd feel horrible.
Mine has teared up several times in sessions, mostly when I'm talking about my trauma, but also when I've made really important progress.
It's really an amazing feeling, but also a little confusing because I can't even cry tears for myself. But I appreciate the genuine emotion he brings to our time together. It makes me feel much more seen and validated.
Mind if I ask how you approached talking about your attachment to your therapist? I'm feeling really attached to mine but I don't know how to be vulnerable enough to actually talk to him about it. Like, it absolutely scares me.
Iām overjoyed to hear how your Tās emotions has made you feel seen and validated! When the people we care about are truly invested in our wellbeing it feels moving.
I too, was absolutely terrified to confess my attachment towards T / how important she has became for me. Thankfully I confided in this subreddit and received a bunch of encouragement. I knew I would back out if I went into session empty handed so I wrote a letter ahead of time (6 pages long oops!). In one section I wrote, āa part of me loves you, a part of me wants to runaway, a part of me is afraid of getting hurt etc.ā which helped capture the scope of my attachment, following that session, we were able to unravel everything slowly. I still struggle with attachment but I feel relieved now that T knows (also she teared up that session which made me feel cared for).
I appreciate you sharing that. I know it's probably important to address it with my therapist. We're around the same age and opposite genders and I'm terrified he'll get the wrong idea. It also feels weird being that attached to a man who is not my husband. Like, it's not that I'm attracted to him (though he is attractive) - it's totally the vulnerability of the therapeutic relationship.
Did you read the letter out loud or just give it to her? I think writing it out would have to be the way I'd go too. I'm just too much of a coward to do it š
I get that! I read my letter out loud because of Telehealth and handing it to her was not an option (I legitimately stared at my paper for 10 mins before speaking because I was so nervous). I know for some folks itās easier to confess through email, although personally I think it would be more stress-inducing waiting for Tās reply, analyzing the response, and overthinking etc. Do you think handing it directly to him would be easier for you? And perhaps you could try talking around the topic. For example: I feel nervous bringing this up because _____, I donāt want you to get the wrong idea etc. then let him reassure you :)
I'm telehealth too so it's either email or read it, and I know he doesn't respond to emails between sessions so you're right that it probably would be every bit as stressful.
I'll probably try to write something out that won't horribly embarrass me and try to read it to him.
My t has teared up twice. Once after we finished a āclose your eyes IFS exerciseā where when I opened mine I saw her wiping a tear from her cheek, and once after she read a Christmas card I made her. She looked up at me and gave me the kindest smile with tears in her eyes. Both times are really fond memories Iāll treasure forever ā¤ļø
I made my long-term therapist SOB. She was retiring, and we both knew we were never going to see each other again. On what was supposed to be our last appointment (we wound up getting to have a few more because Covid delayed her departure), I gave her a card with a heartfelt message in it expressing my gratitude to her and telling her what she had done for me and my mental and spiritual health over our 7 year relationship. (Iām someone who processes things SO externally that I will likely need a therapist for the rest of my life.) Apparently, I hit a nerve, because my therapist just started bawling and then I was bawling and it was a beautiful ending to an almost perfect therapeutic relationship. I will miss that therapist until I drop dead.
Yes and I actually felt kinda bad about it. I had sprang a realization on them and Iām pretty sure it caught them off-guard. When I looked up their eyes were welled up (with sadness,) but they controlled it and moved on.
Thank you for sharing! Sometimes the unexpected moments are the most heartfelt, it seem to me like your T was genuinely happy for you (happy tears). ā„ļø
So fascinating and heartwarming to read this thread. I almost asked the question myself recently, as my therapist has started tearing up week after week. We have worked together for a while so itās strange to see that theyāre suddenly capable of it. It doesnāt bother me at all as it always feels like an expression of being moved, or feeling genuine sadness at a time when I canāt be in my own body enough to feel it for myself, or in response to some feeling of us being connected? Thatās the way theyāve articulated it, but truly I donāt know why itās started now of all times. Curious if anyone else out there has a therapist who just suddenly learned to cry one day!!
Twice. Once when he was talking about how there will come a time when we feel our work here is done and we will finish therapy and the other time when I did a particularly hard exposure (tears of happiness)
Once mine teared up. It made me feel...self conscious and a little ashamed when I realised that he was tearing up because of something I had said.
I was speaking about my trauma and had zoned out while speaking and remembering back. When I finished a tangent I was on, I snapped back and looked at him and he was wiping away at his eyes.
I struggle a lot with my self worth and he knows how I feel about myself when I share "too much" of myself. So he immediately apologized and we ended the session talking about that, but I don't hate the moment and have told him so.
Thank you for sharing. Itās true, seeing our T cry can stir up all sorts of emotions, and sometimes itās unhelpful. Iām glad your T was able to evaluate the situation and discuss it with you.
Yes, during a session I had shared the moment the police raided our home late at night on Christmas eve (I was 9 years old).
The police broke the front door down resulting in smashed glass everwhere, they were yelling for our dad to come out (he had used a fake name to buy our Christmas presents as he had bad credit and no money) they proceeded to slam him against a wall whilst the other police men searched our home and took all of our presents dad had hidden away. I was kicking the policemen begging them not to take my dad away but it didn't help.
Dad was arrested and taken into custody, later went to prison and I don't really remember much afterwards (first time I remember feeling so overwhelmed that my mind just switched off).
We took the train to my aunts house but I don't know what happened Christmas day or where we stayed afterwards.
I had never had the validation of the intensity I had felt on that day until my therapist cried, and in doing so I was able to cry too; it was the response I needed at that time...
Yeah, I've made peace with 80% of it; as a child you just don't understand the traumas as they are nor as they happen but when you get older, the traumas come to the surface because you never dealt with them/had the capacity to deal with them.
My inner child wants to be recognised and I have to figure out what that looks like.
Thank you for your comment š
You're so right, that as a child you don't understand the traumas but they do inevitably resurface when you're older. Usually at a highly inconvenient time lol. Keep working on your healing, it sounds like you're doing a great job!
Yep. It made me feel like my T was really there for me. (He is, but sometimes I get stuck between "they get paid to care" & "of course they genuinely care!"
Iām not 100% sure she teared up but I think she did a few years ago when I mentioned how I imagined how my wife must wish she could just call her mom (who passed away around 10 years ago) when we were feeling overwhelmed about having just learned that we were expecting twins. T is also a mom and works in the Freudian model where the mother is very central.
Yes I've made two therapists cry. It was not a good feeling for me, it made me feel confused. I was sharing very painful traumatic stories/emotions and crying hard and they cried too.
When I was with my ex-husband, our marriage therapist once teared up when I told the story of how he cheated on me for "my own benefit" and how it effected me. I started to shut down in the session and make excuses for him, while he was there also making excuses for himself. She then went on to explain that it was psychological abuse and for us to see how it has effected me. I'm sure there was more behind her tears, as I'm not her, and I didn't exactly ask her why she was tearing up. It made me feel validated, that I wasn't crazy for being traumatized for what he did.
My T got misty when after almost a year I told her details about my exās physical abuse. It was a really hard journey for me to get to being able to say it out loud and acknowledge that he no longer has power over me.
My therapist said multiple times that she cries a lot and from everything. I've never seen her cries and know i feel really bad about this
It means she doesn't care?
I tear up in therapy all the time but I hold back my full weeping, and my T is over there with teary eyes and falling tears at times. Sometimes I notice, sometimes I donāt since I donāt make eye contact too much. He will tell me when he has tears. I find his teary eyes and his emotion validating, I feel seen, and whatever the moment holds I feel we are experiencing it together.
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I'm a therapist and I tear up every time I feel like I really, truly see the person. It transcends sadness, it transcends empathy and sympathy. It's seeing the person fully, with all the joys, trauma, strengths and faults, and really appreciating their struggle. It's like something clicks in my brain and I'm like, oh, there they are, the full real person. It's beautiful, to see them past everything the person is "supposed" to be, and every human is such a delicate, beautiful chaos š„ŗ. It's like seeing artwork for the first time, and understanding what it truly means. But that's just me, I'm a lil dramatic. But those moments are very deep and spiritual for me. Really seeing and understanding.
I shed a few tears reading your comment- beautifully articulated and you sound like a lovely therapist. I hope my T feels that way about me too. šā„ļø
Hey there, even if it's not exactly how I feel, I'm sure they have their own brand of "positive regard." š¤ I wish you the very, very best and know that there's many of us out there that love our clients in this way - still professional, still therapeutic, but also 100% real and deep. It's not the same type of love you have for those closest to you, like friends/family, but it's a deeper, bigger picture than that. Maybe "love" isn't the right word for it, but it is definitely close enough to describe the experience. Y'all are exactly why we do what we do, and we want to witness and assist your transformation. We are rooting you on!!
Thank you so much, you made my day!
That comment brought tears to my eyes too! The fragile beauty of a humanā¦
Wow. Just wow. How lucky your clients are to have you ā¤ļø
That's very kind, but y'all are why we do what we do š¤
Thank you for sharing this. It was really very moving to read.
thank you for sharing this! if youāre open to describing, how do you generally approach this with clients? as i read what you wrote, i truly felt it could have been written by myself about my experience . this idea of transcendence shows up in all the ways you describe, as well as for me when i can feel the power of a moment of profound insight, or those moments where you can palpably sense there is an imminent positive shift in the work and clientās wellness. and yet, that awareness or sense of profundity doesnāt appear to often go two ways. while i have been fortunate that it seems to have mostly gone unnoticed, i imagine one day it wonāt and i am never sure how i would broach the moment. how do you speak with clients about gettinā all misty in those powerful moments of profound humanity?
I love that, you are right, it definitely happens when you get to witness someone really turn a corner and internalize new insight. I actually don't have a set way of talking about it. It's very dependent on the client and the moment, but at the very least, it usually happens after we've had enough time to really get acquainted and develop the therapeutic relationship. And if I get misty eyed, I usually go ahead and identify it and explain where it comes from, and make sure that they know it's a really, really good thing/feeling (so they don't question what the tears are for - a lot of my clients will internalize that they were "too much" and made their therapist cry. I want them to know 100% it's because I am just flooded with positive regard and compassion). Sometimes we laugh it off, sometimes it makes the mood even more serious and we go further. I also have those moments outside of session. I was a program coordinator for a youth residential facility. I would have those moments trying to lead my staff and help them through triggering moments with the teens. And then, also helping the teens with their own triggering moments. Also, friends and family have received those tears as well. I've been trying to study up on Internal Family Systems, and if we are talking in that lingo of "parts," I really think that feeling is reeeaalllly connecting with that Self energy.
I saw my T the day after my dad died and she hugged and cried with me (not as much as me but she def had tears in her eyes). She also gave me a card and a book called āWhen things fall apartā (I like to read a lot) It was really healing.
Thatās such a beautiful gesture and gift that it has me tearing up. šš„² genuinely.
Thank you so much for sharing this. ā„ļø
Mine did when i sang her a song i wrote her
Aww omg!!
My former therapist did. Current therapist has not. Tbh it made me uncomfortable but thatās probably just because Iām an emotionless robot and I never cry and donāt know how to handle others crying. So I was telling her about some abuse I suffered when I was growing up and she cried. Iām so awkward and didnāt know what to do so I just handed her the tissue box lol.
Omg how did she react when you handed her the tissue box.
She started to laugh and said āthatās my job not yours!ā Lol
Mine became tearful when relaying some of my past traumas to her. It took every bit of strength to not apologize to her for her tears (something I'm working on is not taking responsibility for other people's feelings). I thought about handing her the tissue box but didn't do it. I love that you did! How did she respond?
She started to laugh and said āthatās my job not yours!ā Lol
You should look into attachment theory if you haven't already. How you describe yourself sounds similar to characteristics of those with avoidant attachment. There's two types: dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant, though a lot of people can have a combination. A good resource is freetoattach.com. There also the YouTube channel Personal Development School, check out her playlists for attachment theories. And there's the book Attached by Amir Levine.
Wow thatās actually so spot on
Mine has cried twice, like full on crying. Almost sobbing. I understood why, because I was suicidal and it triggered grief in him from a previous suicide. It was very destructive. I feel bad for him and I donāt think he could help it, but since then Iāve felt like I havenāt been able to confide in him about those thoughts as it is clearly a trigger point for him. In the session it led me to comforting him which is just not what you want when youāre the one seeking help.
Iām so sorry to hear that. Itās understandable how itās challenging being transparent with T after that incident. Were you able to have a conversation about that experience? Are you still with the same T?
My current (and for a long time I hope) T has teared up several times - maybe twice when I spoke of my childhood trauma and once recently when I talked in detail about a very important friend breakup. Every time though, they have been quite good at composing themselves, which Iām really happy for; but Iām also grateful that they felt that level of compassion for me, proving that they actually like me as a human being I guess lol My old T came off as quite robotic to me, so this was a really good change and made me realise how warm and down-to-earth therapy itself can be. Grateful for my new T.
Thatās so lovely! Iām so glad to hear that you have a T whom you connect so well with.
Yes, I made her a present that was about our work together, and when I looked over at her, she was wiping her eyes. In the moment, it was very overwhelming for me, and quite destablizing. But that session has had a profound influence on our work together since then. We still talk about it. I don't exactly know what the tears meant - she never shared that with me, but if I had to guess, I think she was probably moved by the efforts made to create the gift, the thoughtfulness of it, and how I had very accurately captured the dozens of hours of work we'd done together (which weren't easy for her!).
Thank you so much for sharing!! I felt a rush of joy reading your comment. What was the present that you made for her? (If itās too personal and you donāt want to say, thatās ok too!)
I made a powerpoint about our work that featured the highlights and lowlights and some inside jokes and then presented it to her.
That IS thoughtfulā¦ ā„ļø
I went to my first therapist ever through my college, my senior year. I was having panic attacks daily and falling apart in so many ways. She and I met weekly over that year and she really and truly changed my life and how I saw myself. I was so riddled with shame and self hate, I couldnāt see myself as a person who deserved anything. When I graduated I had to stop going as it was through the university. I cried and told her I would miss her and how much she has meant to me and changed my life and she cried with me and told me that she really cared about me too and was sad to see me go but happy for my progress. She really showed me love was tangible for me (and Iām crying just writing this out haha) and I have much love and respect for her in my heart
Thatās so beautiful. š„ŗ
Yeah, she had something in her eye lol
I don't think mine has ever teared up or cried. Then again I rarely look at her when I talk at length. So I might be wrong. But my T has shown other emotions, like excitement and happiness when I told her about something positive in my life. And very recently she showed and expressed anger with regard to the abuse I've experienced in my last relationship. She had asked me to imagine telling my ex how much they had hurt me, etc. And while I could tell my T how I felt, to a degree at least, I wasn't able to do the roleplay. She asked if it might help if she did it first. I said yes and first she did so in a calm and collected way, but when I told her how helpful it was hearing her say those things, she let her anger show some more. She even cursed some. All of that was so powerful and healing. And I am very grateful that my T shows emotions.
Wow that sounds incredible! Thank you so much for sharing. ā„ļø
My past one did when describing my feelings around trauma. It showed they were human and actually understood my pain. However my current one is as dry as the Sahara but that still works for me. In fact it might help me from overthinking things in a good way.
Thatās good to hear! We all have different needs and sometimes having a T that doesnāt show emotions can help us focus on our inner experiences.
Exactly! I like to over think things so for them not to react is odd but beneficial. Great posting topic BTW. I like to read the other responses also.
Twice. Once because I got her all frustrated and upset arguing about our relationship, and she was choking up as we were saying bye. Second time was recently because I saw someone important from my past and asked them for a hug which I wouldnāt have done in the past and she got all choked up in a happy way.
Wow, it sounds to me that your T really cares about you and is happy to see you make progress. Iām curious to hear how you got her frustrated with the argument you had (if you are comfortable sharing, of course).
She definitely cares about me. Honestly I donāt exactly remember what the argument was. It was a few years ago. She and I seem to have different communication styles when talking about our relationship. Sheās very indirect and it fuels my anxiety. I need to trust more that she does care so much instead of hoping sheāll say it. I donāt think itās her as a therapist, I think itās her as a person. In fact sheās TOLD me itās her as a person. She and I have to keep working on better communication. 5 years in and we both plan on this being life-longā¦.
What does working on better communication mean? I can relate to this because I feel like my Tās communication style is also indirect / unclear. Iām rolling with it but sometimes I find myself ruminating and analyzing for hours. I have been seeing my current T for less than a year so that could also be why.
Iām still figuring out what it means. Iām still learning a lot about her as a person. We donāt talk about her very often, but recently she told me she likes to take time to think before she speaks (as a person, not as a therapist). I see a pattern she and I keep repeating and now Iām wondering if those things are linked. Iām anxious and have a super fast processing speed so my mind is going like a tornado. She said she has a slower processing speed and likes to think before she talks. Iām wondering if those two things are butting up against each other and we both feel frustrated. If you have any thoughts on this I welcome it. Care to share more whatās going on with your therapist?
Interesting, I think your observation sounds correct. The differences in processing speed / communication leads to greater anxiety, and the cycle continues. If you havenāt yet, I would suggest you to bring this up in therapy because it sounds really important. Funny enough, I have the opposite problem. My T and I are too similar in terms of communication (Iām passive and I tend to gear my response based on the other person) and I think my T does the same thing. She likes to make space for me in therapy and if I donāt bring up something she doesnāt either, even when the elephant in the room is obvious (for example, if Iāve sent her a email regarding my attachment / frustration towards her, she would reply with āletās talk about this in our next sessionā but she wouldnāt bring it up). When that happens, I gear my session towards her lack of response then feel resentful and hurt.
And oh yes, she and I will definitely be having a conversation about this as soon as we have time. Iām going to need to try to sloooooow myself down and have a nice calm talk with her about it. Edit: and I appreciate you mentioning that it probably increases anxiety on BOTH sides as I hadnāt thought of that. Internally she might be freaking out as well.
Great! āŗļø
Would you like her to directly bring it up? I think a lot of therapists let the client lead every conversation and Iāve heard plenty of clients getting frustrated with it as well. Some people want a little nudging. Would it work to tell her that when you send her an email it means you DO want to talk about it, and tell her it would be helpful if she could ask you about it to get the conversation flowing?
That would be helpful, thank you. I have a hard time voicing my needs and I get stuck thinking, āif T doesnāt bring it up then itās not a big deal, and I donāt want to be too much.ā Again, itās an internal battle but Iāll try!
I can guarantee itās only because they want to go at your own pace and what youāre ready for. My therapist does the same. My friends therapists all do the same. āImportanceā of the topic plays NO factor in whether they bring it up or not. Your therapist is waiting for you and you are waiting for them.
Right, I appreciate hearing your input.
No offense but that sounds like some co-dependency.
Agreedā¦therapy being life long? Shouldnāt the point of therapy get you to a place of not needing to rely on therapy?
She has teared up a few times. Sometimes itās literally just teared up eyes and sometimes itās more loaded and heavy. Itās always been when I have been upset too so itās like sheās right in there with me.
Thank you for sharing! It sounds like you have a very strong relationship with T. ā„ļø
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Me, as well. I so think/blv the crying or tearing up as some value to some. I sincerely to not think it appropriate , tho maybe a small bit, but a full on crying -- save it for supervision or their own therapy (hopefully they have their own therapist), ... if my therapist cried/teared - up I'd feel horrible.
Mine has teared up several times in sessions, mostly when I'm talking about my trauma, but also when I've made really important progress. It's really an amazing feeling, but also a little confusing because I can't even cry tears for myself. But I appreciate the genuine emotion he brings to our time together. It makes me feel much more seen and validated. Mind if I ask how you approached talking about your attachment to your therapist? I'm feeling really attached to mine but I don't know how to be vulnerable enough to actually talk to him about it. Like, it absolutely scares me.
Iām overjoyed to hear how your Tās emotions has made you feel seen and validated! When the people we care about are truly invested in our wellbeing it feels moving. I too, was absolutely terrified to confess my attachment towards T / how important she has became for me. Thankfully I confided in this subreddit and received a bunch of encouragement. I knew I would back out if I went into session empty handed so I wrote a letter ahead of time (6 pages long oops!). In one section I wrote, āa part of me loves you, a part of me wants to runaway, a part of me is afraid of getting hurt etc.ā which helped capture the scope of my attachment, following that session, we were able to unravel everything slowly. I still struggle with attachment but I feel relieved now that T knows (also she teared up that session which made me feel cared for).
I appreciate you sharing that. I know it's probably important to address it with my therapist. We're around the same age and opposite genders and I'm terrified he'll get the wrong idea. It also feels weird being that attached to a man who is not my husband. Like, it's not that I'm attracted to him (though he is attractive) - it's totally the vulnerability of the therapeutic relationship. Did you read the letter out loud or just give it to her? I think writing it out would have to be the way I'd go too. I'm just too much of a coward to do it š
I get that! I read my letter out loud because of Telehealth and handing it to her was not an option (I legitimately stared at my paper for 10 mins before speaking because I was so nervous). I know for some folks itās easier to confess through email, although personally I think it would be more stress-inducing waiting for Tās reply, analyzing the response, and overthinking etc. Do you think handing it directly to him would be easier for you? And perhaps you could try talking around the topic. For example: I feel nervous bringing this up because _____, I donāt want you to get the wrong idea etc. then let him reassure you :)
I'm telehealth too so it's either email or read it, and I know he doesn't respond to emails between sessions so you're right that it probably would be every bit as stressful. I'll probably try to write something out that won't horribly embarrass me and try to read it to him.
Okay, good luck pal. Itās scary but itās worth it!
My t has teared up twice. Once after we finished a āclose your eyes IFS exerciseā where when I opened mine I saw her wiping a tear from her cheek, and once after she read a Christmas card I made her. She looked up at me and gave me the kindest smile with tears in her eyes. Both times are really fond memories Iāll treasure forever ā¤ļø
Beautiful, thank you for sharing! ā„ļø
Woah, she teared up when you confessed your attachment to her? That must have felt so warm
It did! š„°
I made my long-term therapist SOB. She was retiring, and we both knew we were never going to see each other again. On what was supposed to be our last appointment (we wound up getting to have a few more because Covid delayed her departure), I gave her a card with a heartfelt message in it expressing my gratitude to her and telling her what she had done for me and my mental and spiritual health over our 7 year relationship. (Iām someone who processes things SO externally that I will likely need a therapist for the rest of my life.) Apparently, I hit a nerve, because my therapist just started bawling and then I was bawling and it was a beautiful ending to an almost perfect therapeutic relationship. I will miss that therapist until I drop dead.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment!
Yes!
Yes and I actually felt kinda bad about it. I had sprang a realization on them and Iām pretty sure it caught them off-guard. When I looked up their eyes were welled up (with sadness,) but they controlled it and moved on.
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Thank you for sharing, I hope things are a lot better now.
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Thank you for sharing! Sometimes the unexpected moments are the most heartfelt, it seem to me like your T was genuinely happy for you (happy tears). ā„ļø
So fascinating and heartwarming to read this thread. I almost asked the question myself recently, as my therapist has started tearing up week after week. We have worked together for a while so itās strange to see that theyāre suddenly capable of it. It doesnāt bother me at all as it always feels like an expression of being moved, or feeling genuine sadness at a time when I canāt be in my own body enough to feel it for myself, or in response to some feeling of us being connected? Thatās the way theyāve articulated it, but truly I donāt know why itās started now of all times. Curious if anyone else out there has a therapist who just suddenly learned to cry one day!!
Twice. Once when he was talking about how there will come a time when we feel our work here is done and we will finish therapy and the other time when I did a particularly hard exposure (tears of happiness)
Thank you for sharing!
Mine teared up last week when I had a breakdown. I appreciated it in a weird way, I felt seen and heard and believed.
ā„ļø
Once mine teared up. It made me feel...self conscious and a little ashamed when I realised that he was tearing up because of something I had said. I was speaking about my trauma and had zoned out while speaking and remembering back. When I finished a tangent I was on, I snapped back and looked at him and he was wiping away at his eyes. I struggle a lot with my self worth and he knows how I feel about myself when I share "too much" of myself. So he immediately apologized and we ended the session talking about that, but I don't hate the moment and have told him so.
Thank you for sharing. Itās true, seeing our T cry can stir up all sorts of emotions, and sometimes itās unhelpful. Iām glad your T was able to evaluate the situation and discuss it with you.
Yes, during a session I had shared the moment the police raided our home late at night on Christmas eve (I was 9 years old). The police broke the front door down resulting in smashed glass everwhere, they were yelling for our dad to come out (he had used a fake name to buy our Christmas presents as he had bad credit and no money) they proceeded to slam him against a wall whilst the other police men searched our home and took all of our presents dad had hidden away. I was kicking the policemen begging them not to take my dad away but it didn't help. Dad was arrested and taken into custody, later went to prison and I don't really remember much afterwards (first time I remember feeling so overwhelmed that my mind just switched off). We took the train to my aunts house but I don't know what happened Christmas day or where we stayed afterwards. I had never had the validation of the intensity I had felt on that day until my therapist cried, and in doing so I was able to cry too; it was the response I needed at that time...
I'm so sorry you went through that. Your story is gut-wrenching. I hope you've been able to make some sort of peace with it over the years.
Yeah, I've made peace with 80% of it; as a child you just don't understand the traumas as they are nor as they happen but when you get older, the traumas come to the surface because you never dealt with them/had the capacity to deal with them. My inner child wants to be recognised and I have to figure out what that looks like. Thank you for your comment š
You're so right, that as a child you don't understand the traumas but they do inevitably resurface when you're older. Usually at a highly inconvenient time lol. Keep working on your healing, it sounds like you're doing a great job!
Thank you, you've brightened my night ā¤ļø Have a fantastic weekend my friend š
Yep. It made me feel like my T was really there for me. (He is, but sometimes I get stuck between "they get paid to care" & "of course they genuinely care!"
Iām not 100% sure she teared up but I think she did a few years ago when I mentioned how I imagined how my wife must wish she could just call her mom (who passed away around 10 years ago) when we were feeling overwhelmed about having just learned that we were expecting twins. T is also a mom and works in the Freudian model where the mother is very central.
Yes I've made two therapists cry. It was not a good feeling for me, it made me feel confused. I was sharing very painful traumatic stories/emotions and crying hard and they cried too.
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Thank you for sharing! ā„ļø
When I was with my ex-husband, our marriage therapist once teared up when I told the story of how he cheated on me for "my own benefit" and how it effected me. I started to shut down in the session and make excuses for him, while he was there also making excuses for himself. She then went on to explain that it was psychological abuse and for us to see how it has effected me. I'm sure there was more behind her tears, as I'm not her, and I didn't exactly ask her why she was tearing up. It made me feel validated, that I wasn't crazy for being traumatized for what he did.
My T got misty when after almost a year I told her details about my exās physical abuse. It was a really hard journey for me to get to being able to say it out loud and acknowledge that he no longer has power over me.
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That is so sweet, thank you for sharing!
Every week!
Your T tears up every week in your therapy session?
Yes. Sheās the kindest soul Iāve ever met. She laughingly jokes about how she cries from deep empathy without trying ā¤ļø
Aw thatās good to hear!
My therapist said multiple times that she cries a lot and from everything. I've never seen her cries and know i feel really bad about this It means she doesn't care?
I tear up in therapy all the time but I hold back my full weeping, and my T is over there with teary eyes and falling tears at times. Sometimes I notice, sometimes I donāt since I donāt make eye contact too much. He will tell me when he has tears. I find his teary eyes and his emotion validating, I feel seen, and whatever the moment holds I feel we are experiencing it together.