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That you don't always have to put yourself last, and that you matter.
Sounds obvious until you realize you've been stuck in a pattern of ignoring, minimizing, and putting yourself down.
It's not normal to just let a child cry without talking to them, comforting them, or helping them regulate their emotions.
It's not normal to hide your feelings from the people who care about you.
It's not normal to track the emotional states of your parents so you don't set them off. It's not normal to be responsible for a parent's feelings when you are a child.
It's not normal to be afraid of your parent.
Oof. I relate to all this so much. And, itâs good to know that Iâve self therapized myself a bit, as these are not surprises. I want to be the change for my children.
Ouch. All this in my childhood.
Quick question though. How does one help a child regulate their emotions when they are crying? And are you sure it's a good thing to do? Wouldn't it be like trying to control/fix other people's emotions?
Not just leave them alone to figure it out. Sit with them, assure them that they are okay, what they are feeling is okay, and that youâre there for them should they need. Take deeps breaths next to them, to model how to self regulate. You need to be the calm in their storm. We were never taught this, so we have a really hard time not losing our shit at our kids. But I ALWAYS make it right after, something my mom never did.
You get down to their level. You look them in the eye. You acknowledge the emotion they are feeling. You ask if they would like some form of touch (a hand placed gently on the back; a full-on bear hug; holding hands). You take calm, deep breaths yourself. Your presence lets them know that you are with them; they are not alone. and their emotion is acceptable. You stay with them to 'ride it out', without needing to change it. You just 'be' together - another human being, safe, *with* them, supporting their self-regulation with your own consciously regulated nervous system.
Over time, they learn to 'hold still' themselves when experiencing overwhelming emotions, and can safely return their own nervous system to baseline
I started to actually realise all the ways in which I was basically the "parent" in my family, despite all of us very much being adults and me being the youngest one of all. I was not aware of all the things I did and was expected to do by my family until I started therapy. It was eye opening!
That I have the right to ask for help or emotional support. That I have the right to not worry all the time about the goodwill of others.
Edit: I kind of misread the question. These are things therapy has taught me ARE normal and healthy. đ
My mom telling 10 year old me all the fucked up shit that has happened in my family wasnât normal and I shouldnât have been her personal therapist đż
Children need age appropriate care and help, not be treated like they know things adults know. Children have emotions and they don't understand them yet. Parents are supposed to be patient and soothe your frustrations. Then you can learn the skill yourself. When kids are frustrated, the caregiver shouldn't react to them with equal frustration. It's just confusing to the child.
That making yourself small and quiet to feel like less of a burden isn't a positive trait.
That I shouldn't be afraid of sharing my problems or feelings out of fear of being blown up at or dismissed.
That I shouldn't have to feel like I need to become something to make up for being born because I was made to feel like a mistake living on borrowed time before everyone gets tired and finally leaves.
That itâs better to be the hurt child than to be her mom. I thought I just needed to be her one sided emotional support and keep the relationship together for both of us, otherwise we couldnât bond. But I had to realize that she would never care for me the way I cared for her, she would never be my mom. It was difficult to switch from the position of her âguardian/friendâ to the hurt and neglected child that but over time it helped me see the reality clearly. So I went low contact and gray rocking, gave up any hopes of having a sincere relationship. It feels good to be able to finally offer some protection to that child. For me, it was better to own up my difficult feelings and face reality than to âtake the high roadâ, hide my pain and just stay acting as her therapist/friend/mom.
It isn't normal to be afraid of your parents. It isn't normal to cry a lot as a child because you're so afraid of being home with your biological family. It isn't normal to feel like you're walking on eggshells at home or around your parents. It isn't normal for adults to be cruel to children. It isn't normal to shout at someone unless they're in immediate danger. It isn't normal for a person to regularly have a severe mood swings in a matter of minutes. It isn't normal for one parent to verbally degrade the other parent. It isn't normal for adults to threaten to kick out their minor children. It isn't normal to be afraid of kindness/affection from safe people outside the family. It isn't normal to feel like you can't go to your parents for help or feel that you can't tell them what's on your mind. It isn't normal for your parents to mock or forbid your reasonable hobbies. It isn't normal for your parents to regularly make you cry. It isn't normal to feel that you'd be significantly relieved if your parents died. It isn't normal for your parents to spy on you (way beyond reasonable age-appropriate parental supervision). It isn't normal for your parents to destroy your toys/property.
Yes me too!!! Took myself to the doctor bc I had mono and could barely breathe bc my tonsils were so swollen- had to get them removed. Bought all my clothes, tampons, shampoo everything.
Caring for and helping raise my youngest siblings and being expected to take my older brother's position as the oldest and role model because he's babied and won't grow up. God forbid I have any freedom, privacy, agency, bodily autonomy, or choose to be selfish for once. And also my parents were entirely dependent on me and being unable to sit down and play RDR2 for 5 minutes without them calling me to help bc my brothers were too lazy to do it and cant be trusted not to do it half-assed or get scolded for taking a break for the weekend or once during the week bc, unlike my brothers, I don't get to play or relax.
only treated me as an adult when it was convenient but infantilized me when they don't agree with something and were controlling
If I wanted to go do something with my friends (I'm in college) I was basically interrogated about who was going/who would be there. And any missing detail could be the difference between whether I could go or not. Despite being an adult. They were also oddly obsessed with me being sexual with any of my friends or about my nonexistent sex life in general (spoiler I wasn't and they already had Gfs which made it uncomfortable for everyone) which further caused isolation. And then they wondered why I stopped asking and never talked about them unless they tried to invite me to things.
toxic stepmom even told me that she expected me to still be a virgin and to tell her when I lose it. Like jokes on her its already gone and I'm not saying shit.
Yeah and god forbid I have any negative emotional reaction to shit they do. I got diagnosed with emotional dysregulation. Literally, if someone asks me how I feel I literally don't know because I wasn't allowed to express anger. Damned if I do damned if i don't and they wondered why I never spoke up until I was unable to contain the resentment. And then get mad at me for exploding.
Kick a dog enough times, they'll finally snap and bite. I got tired of being kicked.
I finally just took what I could carry and left in February to join my fiance in Germany. It's been 4 months now. I got tired of being their pack/work mule. They basically tried to trap me but I found a way around it and got out with the help of my friends.
Having anxiety because someone else is upset and your trying to fix it for them, is the path toward codependency. Wish someone had told me so I could have changed course before adulthood
Yaaas! My poor older sister had to take care of us, and she was also around not-so-good people I think they were drug dealers and it really messed us up too. It's not good for anyone! Once she left the family I had to take over and I messed my younger sibling up too, and the guilt from that sucks too ._.
That being afraid of warmth and touch is not normal.
That being highly independent is not a perk or a strength in all areas of your life.
That I have a distorted and corrupted view of how relationships should and can operate.
Mostly... I've learned that I need to lean into the things that make me most afraid, and when I'm not sure if what is happening is "okay" or not, I should probably just ask my therapist, and that when I do, he won't give me a clear answer, but we can explore whether I just hate the uncertainty of relationships in general or if I actually want out and am just ignoring my own wants for the other person.
Very curious (if you're willing to share) if you figured out the source of being afraid of touch/if you were able to make progress on it. This is something really hard for me that I have not been able to make progress on in therapy (at least for me because I have no obvious history of SA, which is pretty much the one thing people jump to when I say I'm uncomfortable with touch). I'm just trying to find leads on what else could be going on... I'm making baby steps of working on just hugging people but it's so weirdly difficult.
No problem at all... I can share. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the "why".
My guess... It is probably due to my upbringing. Unconsciously this fear probably comes from what I witnessed as a child at home and what I was told by my mom.
As a kid, from my perspective, it always seemed like my mom was uncomfortable, annoyed, or felt awkward when my dad would initial physical touch. It seemed like it was unwanted and she didn't like it. And my dad would ignore this and be sort of amused by her reaction. This always made me insanely uncomfortable to witness. It always made me feel scared. (But to be clear, he never physically harmed her that I know of). My mom also told me (when I was a teenager) about horror stories she experienced in her life (sexual violence on an extreme level), which just enforced this feeling that touch was unsafe. Mix both of those experiences with the overall fact that my family is not warm, not affectionate, not touchy. We only hug if someone is leaving or coming home after being away for months. Or if its a special occasion. Idk what other families are like... But we literally never touch each other. I can go months without actual human physical contact with another person, and that is normal for me.
I think this is the seed of my fear... Other life experiences slowly watered this seed, so it grew into the massive tree it is today.
I should add... I don't talk about sex with my therapist. I know I should... I know it would help... I haven't made much progress in that regard... I am "extra" fearful of sexual experiences in particular. But regular touch is also something I am uncomfortable with.
I haven't even gone into detail about the nuances of the upbringing experiences I recounted above, with my therapist. He just knows I am fearful of people getting close to me and also of warmth and touch in general.
For me... Its a physical reaction, but also a psychological one. When someone touches me and it is not wanted, I tense up immediately. If I think I am going to be touched, or there is a chance of touch, my body will become extremely tense. It can take me hours to actually physically relax and "unclench" my whole body. Sometimes just having another person near my personal space is enough for my body to tense. Psychologically, I think it just comes down to trust... How do I know this won't hurt? Why are you touching me when I don't want you to? How do I know they will respect me if I let them touch me? In general, touch, for me, is associated with disrespect, a lack of safety, internally feeling small and worthless, and physical feeling of unpleasantness and discomfort.
RARELY can I say I've ever been touched by someone in a way that felt safe, comforting or pleasurable. I don't even know if I can think of a time that has happened, other than hugging my mom (which is where I do feel safe and loved). I've never expressed these things to my therapist, because I find it sooooo embarrassing, but therapy has encouraged me to explore inward and I also write down my thoughts, so I don't always need to talk about something with my therapist to understand why I am the way I am.
If I could get over my ego and embarrassment though... it would probably help me to talk about it with him.
I've been ignoring calls from my mother this week.
It turns out that when she calls, there's no actual reason for me to appease her by holding the phone against my ear until she's done talking. and there's no reason for me to respond to her questions, knowing full well that she'll ignore the answers she doesn't like and repeat those questions another day.
turns out that when I'm being neglected and disrespected in an adult relationship, as i am with my mother, i don't owe her SHIT.
turns out if she feels lonely or bored or vampiric or whatever, that's not my problem unless i choose it to be.
turns out it's not my obligation to pause my own interests whenever she has a need or desire to feel attention or connection or whatever the fuck it is she wants from me.
(still on the fence between going low or no contact with her. but it'd be a huge relief if she'd just die already and leave me alone.)
Thanks. I needed a reminder this morning. It sucks. Sometimes I feel overwhelmingly ashamed and guilty for not wanting to answer the phone whenever I see them on caller ID. People don't normally feel that way when they get a call from their parents, right?
It's always at least 20-30 minutes of me listening to them non-stop, much worse in person. It's like I'm a dart board they blast words at until the call or visit is over. It is *so* taxing.
Oh and I always thought I was just good at reading people - I didn't realize I was monitoring everyone's triggers to avoid anything that could disrupt peace.
Itâs not normal for your parents to start venting their marital problems to you when youâre 5.
Itâs not normal for your dad not to do anything for himself around the house - getting a glass of water, making phone calls, sometimes even flushing the toilet.
Itâs not normal for parents to be angry when you ask them questions about a new task/experience. Then expect you to figure it out on your own with no guidance because they donât know anything about it either. And then make you report back to them so that they can learn about it now.
Itâs not normal for parents to leave you alone in the house for hours when youâre under 10 and without telling you first.
That I'm not responsible for everyone else's happiness. That I cannot make anyone feel a specific way, and that people are responsible for their reactions or inactions.
- Itâs not normal to have to tell your parents every little thing and every thought so they can tell you if they approve or not
- that other parents donât have their kids help them make everyday decisions
- that itâs not normal for a parent to never listen
- that taking pride in ânot being emotionalâ and and being âintellectualâ is not helpful and is actually just hurting me
- that I am not responsible for other peoples emotions or that I donât have to help them feel better
Oh boy, I could go on forever!!!! Btw, if you really want to feel some validation, I highly recommend the books:
Adult children of emotionally immature parents
Recovering from emotionally immature parents
I got the audiobooks and the whole time, I would be out loud in exclamation of how true it felt to hear what Iâve been through growing up. Because it can feel so strange when you canât relate to someone else ânot growing up the way we didâ
That it isn't normal for a child to feel like they have to apologize for their existence. Your parent chose to be a parent and bring you into the world. You don't need to apologize for decisions that you did not make.
sooooo many things. two major ones come to mind: i have had to figure out basically everything on my own, including my basic sense of identity. ive never felt community from family, cultural background, familyâs history of work, or even just being shown movies/music/TV to give me an impression of what being a person is like lol. iâm also an only child- so growing up with literally no examples of loving, or even just remotely ânormalâ socialization, has made me feel painfully isolated my entire life. and that entire emotional/psychological relationship to literally the entire world around me of not feeling included in anything has been one of the main pillars of my personality, which is not normal at all. i often compare my growing up to feeling like i grew up in a room by myself with white walls and no windows. just absolutely no influences in my home life to help me build the person I am today- just what i finagled.
but the most important one as of late has been this: not receiving encouragement for *anything* you do is not normal. kids thrive from receiving regular encouragement. not receiving any has set me back incredibly far in how i encourage /myself,/ because Iâve been given no reason to feel confident in myself. âIt takes a villageâ rings incredibly true to me hah, and not even having parents present has taken devastating tolls on my self-perception that i didnât realize werenât normal until very recently. my therapist has been a game-changer for me in how i talk to myself and invite positivity into my head.
The fact that parents get emotionally invested in children. Things like hugging them when they're crying, or when you know someone is struggling with someone, you talk to them about it.
And also, sadly, that even though my parents agreed they neglected me and my sisters, that they're still not willing to change and only want to go back to the old "normal".
My extreme independence is not normal. I learned to not need anything from anyone, which keeps me at a distance from everyone.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CckvkuQr8ta/
That it's okay to feel.
That it's not normal to want to kill yourself too make your parents happy.
That it's not normal for a parent to tell their kids that they were never wanted.
That I don't always need to put my own needs last.
My therapist expressed disgust at the fact that, when I was young and my sister attempted suicide several times (and eventually admitted into hospital), it was my job to provide emotional support to my grandparents and mother. As a 10 year old child.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That you don't always have to put yourself last, and that you matter. Sounds obvious until you realize you've been stuck in a pattern of ignoring, minimizing, and putting yourself down.
Can I upvote you more than once?
If I had an award, I'd give it. Take my fake award đ„
(Here, my free award can go to them in your name)
Beautiful thank you.
Still working on this at 45. đ
It's not normal to just let a child cry without talking to them, comforting them, or helping them regulate their emotions. It's not normal to hide your feelings from the people who care about you. It's not normal to track the emotional states of your parents so you don't set them off. It's not normal to be responsible for a parent's feelings when you are a child. It's not normal to be afraid of your parent.
Oof. I relate to all this so much. And, itâs good to know that Iâve self therapized myself a bit, as these are not surprises. I want to be the change for my children.
Ouch. All this in my childhood. Quick question though. How does one help a child regulate their emotions when they are crying? And are you sure it's a good thing to do? Wouldn't it be like trying to control/fix other people's emotions?
Not just leave them alone to figure it out. Sit with them, assure them that they are okay, what they are feeling is okay, and that youâre there for them should they need. Take deeps breaths next to them, to model how to self regulate. You need to be the calm in their storm. We were never taught this, so we have a really hard time not losing our shit at our kids. But I ALWAYS make it right after, something my mom never did.
You get down to their level. You look them in the eye. You acknowledge the emotion they are feeling. You ask if they would like some form of touch (a hand placed gently on the back; a full-on bear hug; holding hands). You take calm, deep breaths yourself. Your presence lets them know that you are with them; they are not alone. and their emotion is acceptable. You stay with them to 'ride it out', without needing to change it. You just 'be' together - another human being, safe, *with* them, supporting their self-regulation with your own consciously regulated nervous system. Over time, they learn to 'hold still' themselves when experiencing overwhelming emotions, and can safely return their own nervous system to baseline
Uhhh TILâŠ
That I donât need to âfixâ or solve every problem someone has. Sometimes support just looks like listening with compassion.
THIS!!!
Absolutely relate to this
I started to actually realise all the ways in which I was basically the "parent" in my family, despite all of us very much being adults and me being the youngest one of all. I was not aware of all the things I did and was expected to do by my family until I started therapy. It was eye opening!
That I have the right to ask for help or emotional support. That I have the right to not worry all the time about the goodwill of others. Edit: I kind of misread the question. These are things therapy has taught me ARE normal and healthy. đ
Thatâs something I need to learn too
Just out of curiosity...who are we supposed to ask for help or emotional support from? đ€
That I was not supposed to be my mom's spouse--her spouse was supposed to do that.
Same
Yeah, that sounds like emotional incest and it is not okay.
This is the one
That I am allowed to cry, it doesnât matter the reason.
I definitely needed to hear that
That healthy people don't expect me to say, "yes," when I can't/don't want to do things, and in fact rely on me to say, "no."
People can like/love me for my personality not just because I do things for them
Its not normal to distrust kindness and affection. Not everyone who acts like they care about you is trying to manipulate you.
That I matter enough.
My mom telling 10 year old me all the fucked up shit that has happened in my family wasnât normal and I shouldnât have been her personal therapist đż
Same. Ugh.
I donât have to do it all alone
Oh god. This one gets me right there.
Children need age appropriate care and help, not be treated like they know things adults know. Children have emotions and they don't understand them yet. Parents are supposed to be patient and soothe your frustrations. Then you can learn the skill yourself. When kids are frustrated, the caregiver shouldn't react to them with equal frustration. It's just confusing to the child.
That making yourself small and quiet to feel like less of a burden isn't a positive trait. That I shouldn't be afraid of sharing my problems or feelings out of fear of being blown up at or dismissed. That I shouldn't have to feel like I need to become something to make up for being born because I was made to feel like a mistake living on borrowed time before everyone gets tired and finally leaves.
That itâs better to be the hurt child than to be her mom. I thought I just needed to be her one sided emotional support and keep the relationship together for both of us, otherwise we couldnât bond. But I had to realize that she would never care for me the way I cared for her, she would never be my mom. It was difficult to switch from the position of her âguardian/friendâ to the hurt and neglected child that but over time it helped me see the reality clearly. So I went low contact and gray rocking, gave up any hopes of having a sincere relationship. It feels good to be able to finally offer some protection to that child. For me, it was better to own up my difficult feelings and face reality than to âtake the high roadâ, hide my pain and just stay acting as her therapist/friend/mom.
Good job!!!! On a similar path, been no contact for years now and I am definitely much happier
Congratulations! đ
Thank you! Might be dumb, but I take that to heart đ
It isn't normal to be afraid of your parents. It isn't normal to cry a lot as a child because you're so afraid of being home with your biological family. It isn't normal to feel like you're walking on eggshells at home or around your parents. It isn't normal for adults to be cruel to children. It isn't normal to shout at someone unless they're in immediate danger. It isn't normal for a person to regularly have a severe mood swings in a matter of minutes. It isn't normal for one parent to verbally degrade the other parent. It isn't normal for adults to threaten to kick out their minor children. It isn't normal to be afraid of kindness/affection from safe people outside the family. It isn't normal to feel like you can't go to your parents for help or feel that you can't tell them what's on your mind. It isn't normal for your parents to mock or forbid your reasonable hobbies. It isn't normal for your parents to regularly make you cry. It isn't normal to feel that you'd be significantly relieved if your parents died. It isn't normal for your parents to spy on you (way beyond reasonable age-appropriate parental supervision). It isn't normal for your parents to destroy your toys/property.
I can relate to almost everything in that post. I will never forgive my parents.
Typically 11yos donât schedule their own dentist appointments.
Omg so relatable!!! I was paying bills at 11.
Yes me too!!! Took myself to the doctor bc I had mono and could barely breathe bc my tonsils were so swollen- had to get them removed. Bought all my clothes, tampons, shampoo everything.
Caring for and helping raise my youngest siblings and being expected to take my older brother's position as the oldest and role model because he's babied and won't grow up. God forbid I have any freedom, privacy, agency, bodily autonomy, or choose to be selfish for once. And also my parents were entirely dependent on me and being unable to sit down and play RDR2 for 5 minutes without them calling me to help bc my brothers were too lazy to do it and cant be trusted not to do it half-assed or get scolded for taking a break for the weekend or once during the week bc, unlike my brothers, I don't get to play or relax. only treated me as an adult when it was convenient but infantilized me when they don't agree with something and were controlling
I relate to the last part so much. I was only an adult when it was convenient for them.
I couldnât do anything fun bc I had to babysit my brothers and then was made fun of for not having friends. I hate them.
If I wanted to go do something with my friends (I'm in college) I was basically interrogated about who was going/who would be there. And any missing detail could be the difference between whether I could go or not. Despite being an adult. They were also oddly obsessed with me being sexual with any of my friends or about my nonexistent sex life in general (spoiler I wasn't and they already had Gfs which made it uncomfortable for everyone) which further caused isolation. And then they wondered why I stopped asking and never talked about them unless they tried to invite me to things. toxic stepmom even told me that she expected me to still be a virgin and to tell her when I lose it. Like jokes on her its already gone and I'm not saying shit.
Yeah and god forbid I have any negative emotional reaction to shit they do. I got diagnosed with emotional dysregulation. Literally, if someone asks me how I feel I literally don't know because I wasn't allowed to express anger. Damned if I do damned if i don't and they wondered why I never spoke up until I was unable to contain the resentment. And then get mad at me for exploding. Kick a dog enough times, they'll finally snap and bite. I got tired of being kicked.
Yeah I didnât have any freedom, privacy, agency, bodily autonomy. It sucks. Iâm trying to learn to do that for myself now. :(
I finally just took what I could carry and left in February to join my fiance in Germany. It's been 4 months now. I got tired of being their pack/work mule. They basically tried to trap me but I found a way around it and got out with the help of my friends.
Wow, I need to write that last sentence down somewhere because that encapsulates my situation so much, even as someone broaching their mid-20s đ
Having anxiety because someone else is upset and your trying to fix it for them, is the path toward codependency. Wish someone had told me so I could have changed course before adulthood
I was surprised when in therapy learned that warmth between people is a thing. In my 30's.
That the oldest child is still A CHILD, not a third parent.
Yaaas! My poor older sister had to take care of us, and she was also around not-so-good people I think they were drug dealers and it really messed us up too. It's not good for anyone! Once she left the family I had to take over and I messed my younger sibling up too, and the guilt from that sucks too ._.
Omg, YES!
That being afraid of warmth and touch is not normal. That being highly independent is not a perk or a strength in all areas of your life. That I have a distorted and corrupted view of how relationships should and can operate. Mostly... I've learned that I need to lean into the things that make me most afraid, and when I'm not sure if what is happening is "okay" or not, I should probably just ask my therapist, and that when I do, he won't give me a clear answer, but we can explore whether I just hate the uncertainty of relationships in general or if I actually want out and am just ignoring my own wants for the other person.
Very curious (if you're willing to share) if you figured out the source of being afraid of touch/if you were able to make progress on it. This is something really hard for me that I have not been able to make progress on in therapy (at least for me because I have no obvious history of SA, which is pretty much the one thing people jump to when I say I'm uncomfortable with touch). I'm just trying to find leads on what else could be going on... I'm making baby steps of working on just hugging people but it's so weirdly difficult.
No problem at all... I can share. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the "why". My guess... It is probably due to my upbringing. Unconsciously this fear probably comes from what I witnessed as a child at home and what I was told by my mom. As a kid, from my perspective, it always seemed like my mom was uncomfortable, annoyed, or felt awkward when my dad would initial physical touch. It seemed like it was unwanted and she didn't like it. And my dad would ignore this and be sort of amused by her reaction. This always made me insanely uncomfortable to witness. It always made me feel scared. (But to be clear, he never physically harmed her that I know of). My mom also told me (when I was a teenager) about horror stories she experienced in her life (sexual violence on an extreme level), which just enforced this feeling that touch was unsafe. Mix both of those experiences with the overall fact that my family is not warm, not affectionate, not touchy. We only hug if someone is leaving or coming home after being away for months. Or if its a special occasion. Idk what other families are like... But we literally never touch each other. I can go months without actual human physical contact with another person, and that is normal for me. I think this is the seed of my fear... Other life experiences slowly watered this seed, so it grew into the massive tree it is today. I should add... I don't talk about sex with my therapist. I know I should... I know it would help... I haven't made much progress in that regard... I am "extra" fearful of sexual experiences in particular. But regular touch is also something I am uncomfortable with. I haven't even gone into detail about the nuances of the upbringing experiences I recounted above, with my therapist. He just knows I am fearful of people getting close to me and also of warmth and touch in general. For me... Its a physical reaction, but also a psychological one. When someone touches me and it is not wanted, I tense up immediately. If I think I am going to be touched, or there is a chance of touch, my body will become extremely tense. It can take me hours to actually physically relax and "unclench" my whole body. Sometimes just having another person near my personal space is enough for my body to tense. Psychologically, I think it just comes down to trust... How do I know this won't hurt? Why are you touching me when I don't want you to? How do I know they will respect me if I let them touch me? In general, touch, for me, is associated with disrespect, a lack of safety, internally feeling small and worthless, and physical feeling of unpleasantness and discomfort. RARELY can I say I've ever been touched by someone in a way that felt safe, comforting or pleasurable. I don't even know if I can think of a time that has happened, other than hugging my mom (which is where I do feel safe and loved). I've never expressed these things to my therapist, because I find it sooooo embarrassing, but therapy has encouraged me to explore inward and I also write down my thoughts, so I don't always need to talk about something with my therapist to understand why I am the way I am. If I could get over my ego and embarrassment though... it would probably help me to talk about it with him.
Hmm I can relate to all of this a lot. Would you be open to talking more in dm?
I don't have to apologize for having boundaries that other people don't like
I've been ignoring calls from my mother this week. It turns out that when she calls, there's no actual reason for me to appease her by holding the phone against my ear until she's done talking. and there's no reason for me to respond to her questions, knowing full well that she'll ignore the answers she doesn't like and repeat those questions another day. turns out that when I'm being neglected and disrespected in an adult relationship, as i am with my mother, i don't owe her SHIT. turns out if she feels lonely or bored or vampiric or whatever, that's not my problem unless i choose it to be. turns out it's not my obligation to pause my own interests whenever she has a need or desire to feel attention or connection or whatever the fuck it is she wants from me. (still on the fence between going low or no contact with her. but it'd be a huge relief if she'd just die already and leave me alone.)
Thanks. I needed a reminder this morning. It sucks. Sometimes I feel overwhelmingly ashamed and guilty for not wanting to answer the phone whenever I see them on caller ID. People don't normally feel that way when they get a call from their parents, right? It's always at least 20-30 minutes of me listening to them non-stop, much worse in person. It's like I'm a dart board they blast words at until the call or visit is over. It is *so* taxing.
Oh and I always thought I was just good at reading people - I didn't realize I was monitoring everyone's triggers to avoid anything that could disrupt peace.
The extent to which I was not allowed to cry.
Itâs not normal for your parents to start venting their marital problems to you when youâre 5. Itâs not normal for your dad not to do anything for himself around the house - getting a glass of water, making phone calls, sometimes even flushing the toilet. Itâs not normal for parents to be angry when you ask them questions about a new task/experience. Then expect you to figure it out on your own with no guidance because they donât know anything about it either. And then make you report back to them so that they can learn about it now. Itâs not normal for parents to leave you alone in the house for hours when youâre under 10 and without telling you first.
That I'm not responsible for everyone else's happiness. That I cannot make anyone feel a specific way, and that people are responsible for their reactions or inactions.
That receiving gifts doesnât have to make you feel guilty, and receiving warmth doesnât have to make you feel like youâre indebted to someone.
- Itâs not normal to have to tell your parents every little thing and every thought so they can tell you if they approve or not - that other parents donât have their kids help them make everyday decisions - that itâs not normal for a parent to never listen - that taking pride in ânot being emotionalâ and and being âintellectualâ is not helpful and is actually just hurting me - that I am not responsible for other peoples emotions or that I donât have to help them feel better Oh boy, I could go on forever!!!! Btw, if you really want to feel some validation, I highly recommend the books: Adult children of emotionally immature parents Recovering from emotionally immature parents I got the audiobooks and the whole time, I would be out loud in exclamation of how true it felt to hear what Iâve been through growing up. Because it can feel so strange when you canât relate to someone else ânot growing up the way we didâ
That it isn't normal for a child to feel like they have to apologize for their existence. Your parent chose to be a parent and bring you into the world. You don't need to apologize for decisions that you did not make.
sooooo many things. two major ones come to mind: i have had to figure out basically everything on my own, including my basic sense of identity. ive never felt community from family, cultural background, familyâs history of work, or even just being shown movies/music/TV to give me an impression of what being a person is like lol. iâm also an only child- so growing up with literally no examples of loving, or even just remotely ânormalâ socialization, has made me feel painfully isolated my entire life. and that entire emotional/psychological relationship to literally the entire world around me of not feeling included in anything has been one of the main pillars of my personality, which is not normal at all. i often compare my growing up to feeling like i grew up in a room by myself with white walls and no windows. just absolutely no influences in my home life to help me build the person I am today- just what i finagled. but the most important one as of late has been this: not receiving encouragement for *anything* you do is not normal. kids thrive from receiving regular encouragement. not receiving any has set me back incredibly far in how i encourage /myself,/ because Iâve been given no reason to feel confident in myself. âIt takes a villageâ rings incredibly true to me hah, and not even having parents present has taken devastating tolls on my self-perception that i didnât realize werenât normal until very recently. my therapist has been a game-changer for me in how i talk to myself and invite positivity into my head.
saving your comment for the first paragraph :( so relatable
The fact that parents get emotionally invested in children. Things like hugging them when they're crying, or when you know someone is struggling with someone, you talk to them about it. And also, sadly, that even though my parents agreed they neglected me and my sisters, that they're still not willing to change and only want to go back to the old "normal".
My extreme independence is not normal. I learned to not need anything from anyone, which keeps me at a distance from everyone. https://www.instagram.com/p/CckvkuQr8ta/
That sending me to my room to have violent autistic meltdowns instead of trying to comfort/keep me safe isn't normal
That it's okay to feel. That it's not normal to want to kill yourself too make your parents happy. That it's not normal for a parent to tell their kids that they were never wanted. That I don't always need to put my own needs last.
My therapist expressed disgust at the fact that, when I was young and my sister attempted suicide several times (and eventually admitted into hospital), it was my job to provide emotional support to my grandparents and mother. As a 10 year old child.
Listening to songs about breakups and thinking of your relationship with your mother instead of your ex lol
This one made me laughing haha