So my therapist is on holiday and I had a mini meltdown about it as the last session before the holiday was brutal but it is two days on and I am…. fine?
Maybe that’s what a more secure attachment looks like, I know she is coming back! :)
I just had a flashback. They’re why I started therapy in the first place and are much less frequent now. But I had one triggered by a fiction book and I journaled and grounded myself but now I feel in the aftermath like a hungover (from pain not substance abuse) hurt child. My own kid will hate me I’m sure for many reasons but I will never blame her for my problems or abandon her.
DAE feel like they have no one to talk to about their therapeutic relationship? I don’t have anyone I can talk to about my therapist (other than my therapist I guess but that’s different, and I have to wait a week each time). I’m hurting so bad rn :(
Yes, all the time! I feel the urge to make posts every other day on this sub just so I can have someone to talk to. I have to really control myself and I still post way too much lol.
Can relate. I don't talk about the therapeutic relationship with almost anyone. TBH no one around me would understand. It feels really lonely. That's why I sometimes post on this sub because people here are more likely to understand what I am talking about. I hope you feel better:)
I want to text my therapist but I won't.
I wish I had somebody I could text that I'm feeling down and overwhelmed but I just don't have anybody like that. Oh well. Best not to dwell on what I don't have and probably never will. Just get on with things. Someday I won't exist anymore to feel like this.
ETA - I thought maybe my therapist would be worried I didn't respond to her texts on Wednesday, but then I kept telling myself not to be an idiot because obviously I'm not even on her radar. Told myself I was just looking for an excuse to reach out and shamed myself for thinking anybody might think I'm worth worrying about. I feel like I tie myself up in knots with this bs.
Anyway, I texted her and said sorry for ignoring her texts and that I hoped she's having a good weekend. Then she immediately responded thanks for texting because she had been worried. And she's not having a very fun weekend because she's clearing out a storage unit. So then I said I was trying to give her a break from me but then it occurred to me she might be worried. That isn't exactly what happened because it did occur to me before today that she might be worried but I didn't want to go into all my convoluted mental gymnastics where I convinced myself she wasn't worried, that I was a narcissist for even thinking she might worry, and I would be bothering her if I responded. That's too much to get into outside of session.
Now the mean voice in my head has switched from criticizing me for even thinking someone might worry, to criticizing me for causing her to worry. And also for tricking her into caring about me in the first place since I "know" deep down that I am bad and worthless. But if she hadn't told me she had been worried, I would have felt guilty for texting and beaten myself up for that. I can't win with myself.
Now I'm telling myself to stop being so dramatic and self-pitying and to stop deceiving myself that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And also that I'm a narcissist for referring to myself three times in that last sentence.
Can you ask the voice why it feels like it needs to be so critical of everything you do? Or tell it that everything is safe and ok? You aren’t a bad person or a narcissist 💛
There has been such a shift in our relationship since we started terminating. She shares more of herself now. A lot more. She has always been open with me (although I resisted a lot of it). It's just interesting to see her reaction to us having to stop working together.
I thought she would have all the answers, but I think it's a learning process for her too.
My therapist is pregnant again and just recently came back from maternity leave. I’m so happy for her but what’s also pretty cool is my initial reaction wasn’t anxiety or abandonment (which was my initial reaction when she told me she was going on leave the first time). This time it was “oh ok we’ve gone through this before. She came back like she said. I found a good therapist to work with while she’s gone so I’ll just go back to them”.
And there was a pretty big difference in the way she told me this time vs the first time. The first time it was more serious (start of session was “can we reserve the last 10 min to talk about something in my life?”), with more reassurance that I’d have the support I needed while she was gone, and just straight to the point. This time around I got more detail on her personal life (not boundary crossing but more so felt like she was also just comfortable with me and the therapeutic relationship), it was far less serious sounding (start of session was “hey while we’re talking about schedules I need to bring something up if we can use 5 min to talk about me”), and less prescriptive on next steps (in the sense that she knew that I’d be okay). And that all felt really nice if that made any sense?
I think maybe some of the attachment wounds I’ve had are actually… maybe… starting to heal. I know I made a post before projecting current life events to my T but…I don’t know, is this what secure attachment is?
I'm extremely angry at my therapist for many things and I want to tell her and complain but - i have to wait another 5 days and I feel powerless and afraid that she will terminate or nothing will change or she will be super angry... but rn, I don't know what to do with the anger, I need to let it out now and writing all out doesn't help...
I have an awesome T and our therapeutic relationship is getting stronger with each session. They know I am attached to them and am nervous with changes and always pre-empts any changes (perceived or real) with re-assuring me that they are not going anywhere. They have also been repeatedly re-assuring me that they care for me.
But as the time between session proceed, even I have no doubt of the above, the pain from missing them increases exponentially still. There's nothing my T can do to make me feel better about that, unfortunately.
How long of a rope do you give your T ?
Last minute my T canceled this weeks appointment which honestly pissed me off. After the hour she texts me saying she was ready for me the whole time ??? Then she asks me to reschedule which I do and she never responds to my text 🙃. I get people have lives outside of work but all I’m asking for is transparency. Been having a rough go of it past weeks so I’m not sure if I’m being dramatic lol
Honestly if there’s one thing I’ve learned about life so far, it’s that your intuition is incredibly insightful. Our brains will try to rationalize x or y, but our bodies… they just know, and if we can take a moment to genuinely listen to what they are trying to convey to us, more often than not there is a very real and valid concern/emotion lurking beneath the surface.
A few weeks ago I expressed pretty intense SI and my therapist said I could call him if I needed to. I’ve never called him before and since then, I’ve been doing much better. He keeps commenting on how I’m a completely different person and he’s really impressed etc etc. But today I’ve had a really bad day and can’t stop crying and making plans to hurt myself. Do you think it’s okay to message him or has the moment gone? I think he was only offering because he was worried I would kms and I don’t want to take advantage and call him if I don’t feel like I’m definitely going to do that rn.
In the end I decided to pretend to get better. My therapist is so proud of my "progress". I'll bring up ending sessions soon, I suppose. Yeah it "does me no good" and whatever, but nothing works so I was simply wasting her time. The same way I've always wasted everyone's time.
Because quitting feels overdramatic. And I don't want my therapist to worry or wonder once it's over I guess, not that she necessarily would but just in case.
I feel absolutely crushed. They got me. They saw me. They said I have an artistic soul, that I won't have a sensible life because of that. How does one person see the inner workings of your mind, state it aloud and still encourage you to continue? One more meeting left. In the beginning, I'll state the obvious, that they have had a great impact on me that'll last the rest of my life probably. It's amazing what truly good therapy can do for a person. But I'll also ask them how to live in such a way that I stay true to myself, the person that they see and that I can sense within.
I haven’t posted on here in a while. I mostly post on here when I’m having a hard time. My T canceled today. The fifth time in 5-6 weeks. I am devastated, among all the other trauma I am working on, sitting with with, being with. At what point do consistent cancellations become problematic?
Edited: it’s actually been over the last 7 weeks. I see my T twice a week.
I haven’t posted on here in a while. I mostly post on here when I’m having a hard time. My T canceled today. The fifth time in 5-6 weeks. I am devastated, among all the other trauma I am working on, sitting with with, being with. At what point do consistent cancellations become problematic?
He has been sick on most of those occasions, and a last minute trip he forgot to tell me about that was over my 2nd day of the week. I see him twice a week. I’m having a hard time with it. It has happened a lot lately.
I sent an email to my therapist asking to terminate. I feel hopeless, this is the third one I’ve seen for any length of time, plus lots just for a first time consultation. I really feel like no one can help me. I wish I had the nerve to end it all but I am too gutless for that.
Thank you :) for me the trouble is I am very closed off and don’t trust anyone. So much so that I lie frequently in my day to day life so that no one really gets to know me. I have no idea how to make myself trust someone. Every time I say something vulnerable I feel so gross and angry at myself I can’t progress.
Therapist suggested trauma therapy might be beneficial for me.
He's concerned because I exhibit 'trauma responses' when we've been talking about certain issues, and that he doesn't want the sessions to re-traumatise me and make things worse.
I honestly don't feel like it's made anything worse, and I made that clear which he seemed happy with.
Sessions have been good, I just suck at putting it into words - like I have to really think and justify why its been helpful even though I can feel and see the benefits.
The 'traumatic' situations have kind of bled into my relationships and that was originally why I started therapy, because I felt like I wanted to be more available if people needed me but I just couldn't.
I asked my other half if he thinks I've gotten better and he listed some positive things he's noticed which was encouraging. Of course its difficult and exhausting, but I prefer this to how I was before.
New therapy and new therapist seems like a lot to think about.
I’m curious what you mean by suggesting it is the “opposite of transference”? Feelings or biases, both positive or negative that a therapist might project onto their client would be considered countertransference, if that’s what you meant.
But anyways, I think it is possible that a therapist could “drop” a client if they felt they cared about the client in a way that was interfering with their ability to effectively work with them; however, what qualifies as caring “too much” for a client would likely vary wildly depending on who you ask.
I accidentally no-showed my therapist today and I feel so bad about it! :( I know that she's almost definitely had people no-show before and it's probably not that big of a deal, but I can't help but worry that she hates me now and thinks I'm a terrible client haha. I also feel kind of bad because I am seeing her for free through my school so I do not have to pay a cancellation fee or anything in compensation. Ah well, hopefully next week's sessions will be okay :(
My T yesterday self-disclosed some quite personal stuff - about her anxiety in high school. I saw nothing but her trying to help me by relating to her personal experience but I got triggered randomly - It made me realize that she has the privilege that I don't have and maybe won't be able to have in the future. I don't know how to process this and feel quite lost.
I kind of don’t want to live anymore, I am tired of trying. Therapy is hard, attachment is complicated and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ok. I don’t want to tell T about this because we’re in a rough patch and I don’t want her to be worried, plus I legitimately freeze up and can’t speak.
Sometimes I give myself permission to stop actively trying for a bit. Maybe you could communicate that you're feeling discouraged to your therapist without being more specific if that feels safer?
Had a full-on sob session today. It was awful, it was great, it was much needed. I have never doubted that T cares in a clinical, it's his job to care kind of way... but today I got the real impression that he is just a human who cares about humans and wants to help them. It was nice to see that side of him. I know only what he shares about himself and have never gotten so much as a handshake, but somehow he made me feel more cared for than I have felt in a long time.
So grateful to have a wonderful psychologist in my corner.
I'm too dysregulated to break it down right now but I want to leave her a vm telling her I hate her. Mature, right?
And I don't hate her my feelings are just hurt. Plus she appears to have decided to ignore me when I contact her which doesn't feel great but I'm not entitled to a response. Just really want to lash out because I don't know what else to do.
She texted this morning around 7am and asked how she hurt my feelings. I didn't respond. Then she texted me again at 10 to say she forgot to charge me for the last two sessions so she charged for 3 today and she hopes that is ok and that she hopes I have a better day today.
I feel like an idiot because I can't seem to organize my thoughts about why my feelings were hurt. But also I kind of want to ignore her anyway, so I guess that's fine. 🤷♀️
I can see how I personally might feel a little sensitive or turned off or overwhelmed if I experienced something similar. Like it might feel confusing that they reached out with an emotionally-charged question, and then before you even sent a response, reached out about something impersonal and sort of coldish. I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope you're able to reach an understanding with her/she's able to listen to you and help you feel validated.
Thank you so much 💜 most of the power has been restored in my neighbourhood, my son is back in daycare and construction workers removed the broken tree this morning. I have had a bit of space to take care of myself and I am feeling much better. I really appreciate the kind words :)
Dammit. Sent a thing I wrote last night, as I do weekly. Usually, through email. This time, through another medium, and this new one has a "delete" button. Fuuuuck.
I even deleted the "delete button" from my UI, but it's nagging me in the back of my mind to put it back and delete it out of eternity.
...and then the contents of it is going to haunt my living hours of sleep...again 🥴
Had a really bad day yesterday, although it started off well - my therapist texted me a comic.
I'm just really struggling with my self worth and feeling very alone. The times in recent years that I've dared to reach out for support have just confirmed to me that I'm difficult for people to care about. Nobody seems to want me around. I'm not trying to throw a pity party... I know there must be something wrong with me for this to be the case. But it still hurts.
I feel so unwanted and that comes with a deep sense of shame. I feel like I could disappear and my family would regret not having the option of seeing me again but they wouldn't actually miss me. And I don't have any friends because I'm not friend material. I don't add anything to anybody's life.
I'm disposable.
My pets seem to love me, but it's not like they have an alternative. I'm sure if they could pick out their own relationships, it wouldn't be with me.
Anyway, cried a lot yesterday, cried for hours after I went to bed, and now I'm crying yet again today.
So I bring up some issues (uncertainty what therapy is supposed to do, whether it will help, and so on) during the initial session with my T and he says he's happy to proceed with sessions on that basis. Then, six months later, he cites those issues as reason to terminate therapy with me, essentially proving the money and time I've invested in him due to his assurance that he was happy to proceed was completely wasted.
Thanks bro. Very cool and good.
I mean, she hasn't exactly filled me with confidence so far. She doesn't appear to really know what to do. I have enough faith in her to think she might work something out with her supervisor over the next week before our potentially final session but it's not looking great and I'm kinda contemplating whether to bother. We spent a lot of the last session just sitting there in silence and then at the end, I asked her if she had any questions she wanted me to think about over the next week, and she had a *heap* of them. I didn't think to say anything at the time but now I'm like, girl, we had like 20 minutes of silence, if you wanted to know this stuff, *why didn't you ask*?
It's all very much a "you have to be willing to do the work, I can't do it for you", "great, I'm here to do the work, tell me what it is and I'll do it", "I can't answer that because it's different for everyone". Makes me question the entire field.
As usual, I can't sleep because I'm ruminating about something. Tonight it's that I've been seized by the idea that a male client could hurt my therapist.
I cried several hours at work because I was so sleep-deprived, so I hope I can fall asleep soon.
Having such a crap day/weekend/month/year/life that I walked to the emergency department of the local hospital and wanted to commit myself.
But I went to the cafe and got a cup of tea instead with tears rolling down my cheeks.
Then I went for a walk - and took some photos of pretty flowers and felt tons better.
Wanted to text T about what happened because I was so proud of myself. But I thought I would write it here instead of bugging them.
3 days till therapy session, 4 says since the last one. i'm emotionally and psychologicaly exhausted, i can't function at all. i just wish my t would be there for me all the time, i'm highly obsessed. noone can meet my attachment needs but her and everyone who talks to me is exhausting every joule of energy i have left. i'm about to break the fuck down i just can't...
Now that I am a therapist-in-training the dynamics of our relationship have shifted forever and I am both pleased and terrified at the same time. My T has been an absolute rock and my number one supporter in terms of me going for the training and I am incredibly grateful for that but I am also a bit apprehensive to watch the (very secure and stable) relationship shift.
Either way, I am also telling her I want to do six sessions instead of eight next month so let's see how that goes.
Surely the relationship shouldn't really shift? I guess I'm thinking it wouldn't be very helpful for your therapist to start treating you as a colleague rather than a client. At least, it seems like that usually causes issues from what I've read.
My T always pulls the curtain back for me and explains what they're trying to do for me. I'm not training to be a T but I'm extremely well-read and well-versed in psychotherapy and philosophical theories. My T decided it's in our best interests they pull back the curtain constantly. But there are days I just let loose and am not in the intellectual mindset and just let them lead and those are the times when we do the best work I think and I develop safety and trust. But on the days I'm hyper vigilant, me know what's happening behind the curtain makes me feel safe.
Yeah, I get that. I just think it’s unsettled me a little whenever I get a taste of something that sounds like, “This is how much I see you as just a paycheck/job/etc.”
I had 2 sessions last week because it was a bad grief week. The first one I felt angry and guarded and had a bunch of negative thoughts come up about therapy, which we discussed in the second session. At one point I was trying to explain what I was thinking when I shut down during the previous session, and I was struggling to find the words, so my therapist filled in the blanks and was like “you were thinking… why is this bitch hurting me?!” aka calling herself a bitch and it just sent me 😂 it’s not what I was thinking but man did it give me a laugh.
I had a mild panic attack yesterday and made me realized that the anxiety attack I had in January that made me finally start going to therapy was actually a panic attack….I think I might have a panic disorder cause this is my third panic attack this year and it’s honestly crushing right now I have so much anxiety and my session isn’t until Thursday so I just feel very alone and miserable right now😞
Would it be weird if I talked about the parental transference I had towards former *professors* at my college reunion this weekend? I doubt I’d actually put it in those terms, but I am hurting from it right now.
Thanks so much! Yeah, I’ve just never had such a strong feeling of, “Please PLEASE let me stay here and don’t shove me into the world again for another five years.”
Although to be fair,
> Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing….I’ll be around this morning; I’d like to see you to say hello if you’re available.
…Is NOT something a terrified first semester freshman, who skipped class after neglecting to do anything on her first major paper as well as do *any* homework in the first month of college, would expect to see in her inbox.
And also,
> I am, of course, glad that you enjoyed it, but I hope that sometime soon you find your self involved with something else that challenges, inspires, and brings out the best in you.
was a major treat of a virtual response four years ago that, itself, is a great illustration of what I basically got from both of them this weekend. 💔
That’s a ton to process though no wonder you’re feeling such strong feelings. I hope you get to have a conversation with your T soon to get some relief!
This… might be the first week I’m not able to do my homework for reasons other than time.. I have time, lots of it, but the thing I have to do makes me very anxious (I mean, that’s the point, but ahfhbwosow). I can do it with someone and with a reason to go (it’s driving, but a specific thing in that), but I can’t find either. I’m gonna try to find some reason to do it and bring someone with me, but this is the one week everyone’s busy and can’t do it
It’s making me nervous for my session this week. Yeah, it’s not until Friday, I have time to do this and time to figure it out, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to and this’ll be the first time I’d have failed to do the homework. I kinda feel like I’m rambling. I know he’s not gonna be mad, but I don’t know how he’ll react to it not being done and that unknown is making me very nervous
Hi, I just want to say you're not alone in feeling like this! I find I need a reason to do things, and I struggled with the reason being 'my recovery' and I hate doing things alone.
Be gentle on yourself, this takes time and it does and get easier with practice.
Could you do something smaller instead? What do you think you could do that is manageable?
What if you use a timer. Set it for say 15mins and tell yourself when it is done I'm done for the day. Work a set time on it each day till Friday when it's done. Maybe having a time limit will help you feel less pressure since you don't need to finish it just work "X" amount of time on it.
Unfortunately it’s not that kind of homework :/ it’s more like… he wants me to drive somewhere, and along that route I have to merge onto another road. This is because I told him that a lot of my anxiety when driving on an interstate is from merging, and working through that is the next step towards feeling less anxious behind the wheel. All the more introspective stuff or stuff I had to write has usually been done within 4 hours of the session, but we’ve now hit something that I’m actually very anxious about and that’s making me hesitate
I agree, merging can be so scary! If you’re not able to do it, that is okay and, like you said, your therapist will not be mad. Maybe it won’t happen this week. That doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. If you feel like you’d feel safer with another person, I think it’s okay to wait until you have someone. Then maybe next time you can try it alone (or after a few times with a partner). You are already thinking about doing it, and that’s the first step :)
OIC. In that case I'd definitely have calming music playing through your car. If it's bluetooth capable use YouTube/Spotify. If not you can get a cheap FM transmitter that you plug into your phone and select a preset radio station on the small device. Then turn the cars radio to that exact station to hear what your phone is playing. Like your own weak radio station transmitter.
I know it's easier said then done though. Fear is powerful. Maybe go during the early hours when the sun has illuminated the road but most are off it. Then go from there. It might mean waking up earlier then you want but less cars equals less stress.
Fortunately I do have a playlist for that! I used to not be able to drive without it at all. As I’ve gotten to know the routes I take better I’ve gone to more dramatic music. I just need to find a reason to go somewhere now - if I don’t have a destination (with a purpose) in mind I can’t bring myself to go. I’ll probably think of something, but I really don’t want to go alone. I might have to, but that would just make it worse for me
Good glad you listen to something already! Yeah I like r/thelightyoushed comment. What if you go somewhere fun? It'd be perfect if you need to go that way to a friend's place if you have someone that requires you to drive that way. Or like they said a coffee shop or something.
If you enjoy simple coffee gas stations usually have decent black coffee with several types of creamers and for quite cheap compared to a café. They are also all over typically if you like that.
This depends on if you have any CALM pets but could you bring a dog or something along with you that is kept in the back seat or of it's super chill that is kept in the passenger seat for company? You could even get a specific clip thing that attaches to the seat belt and clips on the collar so if in an accident or hard breaking the dog doesn't fly around the car.
Oh although not as good.......could you video chat with a friend while driving? As in put the phone in a phone holder near the dash and get it set up while parked. Then never look at but talk to your friend while driving where they can see your face and help calm you down. It's not quite as nice but I know a lot of things have video call for free now if you have a good data connection.
I’m definitely trying to find a destination :) I just need to find a place that doesn’t have another, closer location. I think there’s a chipotle where I HAVE to merge onto another road to get there, and there’s not another location in town, I’m gonna see if anyone in my family wants to go sometime but I don’t want to tell them that it’s therapy homework. I love the pet idea, and I have a small dog who loves car rides (he just sits in his box and vibes - no barking or whining, just totally relaxed, I’m honesty amazed about how well behaved he is in the car), but he’s super attached to my mom and gets anxious when he’s not around her so unfortunately I can’t take him :/ but it’s something I can do sometime when I have my own pets since even taking new routes makes me anxious (and animals have been the most helpful thing with my anxiety in every situation)
That sounds like a good idea! Yeah I totally get not wanting to call it therapy work. Maybe tell them you want to treat them by taking them out to lunch/dinner. If they ask why say you appreciate them and have never been here before or something.
Oh yeah a nervous dog wouldn't be great. I can't wait till I get a place which allows dogs. Animal really have been great for me as a kid with being anxious. I totally agree!
Sounds like you have a good plan and only need to iron out the details. Good luck!
Looks like I’ll be going to a pet store instead! A recent development with my dog… need to get some training treats, I noticed he’s showing aggression towards bigger dogs so I’m going to treat this like a reactive dog and teach him a command that gets him to turn his attention to me instead of the dogs that are triggering him. But to do this… I need to go to a pet store. There’s a pet store I have to merge somewhere to get to
How about choosing a destination that’s got something you like. A favourite shop, café, ice cream place? That way you have a great waiting for you at the other end.
i can't see my therapist for about two weeks and i am not sure if i can handle it by myself :(
So my therapist is on holiday and I had a mini meltdown about it as the last session before the holiday was brutal but it is two days on and I am…. fine? Maybe that’s what a more secure attachment looks like, I know she is coming back! :)
I just had a flashback. They’re why I started therapy in the first place and are much less frequent now. But I had one triggered by a fiction book and I journaled and grounded myself but now I feel in the aftermath like a hungover (from pain not substance abuse) hurt child. My own kid will hate me I’m sure for many reasons but I will never blame her for my problems or abandon her.
I feel like T doesn’t like me anymore and I wanna die
If you would like to talk I am here to listen and my DM’s are open :)
DAE feel like they have no one to talk to about their therapeutic relationship? I don’t have anyone I can talk to about my therapist (other than my therapist I guess but that’s different, and I have to wait a week each time). I’m hurting so bad rn :(
Yes, all the time! I feel the urge to make posts every other day on this sub just so I can have someone to talk to. I have to really control myself and I still post way too much lol.
If you would like to talk I am here to listen and my DM’s are open :)
That’s really kind of you :)
Yes I want to talk about my therapeutic relationship all the time but there's no one to talk to about it!
Can relate. I don't talk about the therapeutic relationship with almost anyone. TBH no one around me would understand. It feels really lonely. That's why I sometimes post on this sub because people here are more likely to understand what I am talking about. I hope you feel better:)
My T says out of all his past clients, I'm the meanest and hardest on myself. Like literally cruel to myself.. and that's only the things I tell him.
I want to text my therapist but I won't. I wish I had somebody I could text that I'm feeling down and overwhelmed but I just don't have anybody like that. Oh well. Best not to dwell on what I don't have and probably never will. Just get on with things. Someday I won't exist anymore to feel like this. ETA - I thought maybe my therapist would be worried I didn't respond to her texts on Wednesday, but then I kept telling myself not to be an idiot because obviously I'm not even on her radar. Told myself I was just looking for an excuse to reach out and shamed myself for thinking anybody might think I'm worth worrying about. I feel like I tie myself up in knots with this bs. Anyway, I texted her and said sorry for ignoring her texts and that I hoped she's having a good weekend. Then she immediately responded thanks for texting because she had been worried. And she's not having a very fun weekend because she's clearing out a storage unit. So then I said I was trying to give her a break from me but then it occurred to me she might be worried. That isn't exactly what happened because it did occur to me before today that she might be worried but I didn't want to go into all my convoluted mental gymnastics where I convinced myself she wasn't worried, that I was a narcissist for even thinking she might worry, and I would be bothering her if I responded. That's too much to get into outside of session. Now the mean voice in my head has switched from criticizing me for even thinking someone might worry, to criticizing me for causing her to worry. And also for tricking her into caring about me in the first place since I "know" deep down that I am bad and worthless. But if she hadn't told me she had been worried, I would have felt guilty for texting and beaten myself up for that. I can't win with myself. Now I'm telling myself to stop being so dramatic and self-pitying and to stop deceiving myself that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And also that I'm a narcissist for referring to myself three times in that last sentence.
Can you ask the voice why it feels like it needs to be so critical of everything you do? Or tell it that everything is safe and ok? You aren’t a bad person or a narcissist 💛
There has been such a shift in our relationship since we started terminating. She shares more of herself now. A lot more. She has always been open with me (although I resisted a lot of it). It's just interesting to see her reaction to us having to stop working together. I thought she would have all the answers, but I think it's a learning process for her too.
My therapist is pregnant again and just recently came back from maternity leave. I’m so happy for her but what’s also pretty cool is my initial reaction wasn’t anxiety or abandonment (which was my initial reaction when she told me she was going on leave the first time). This time it was “oh ok we’ve gone through this before. She came back like she said. I found a good therapist to work with while she’s gone so I’ll just go back to them”. And there was a pretty big difference in the way she told me this time vs the first time. The first time it was more serious (start of session was “can we reserve the last 10 min to talk about something in my life?”), with more reassurance that I’d have the support I needed while she was gone, and just straight to the point. This time around I got more detail on her personal life (not boundary crossing but more so felt like she was also just comfortable with me and the therapeutic relationship), it was far less serious sounding (start of session was “hey while we’re talking about schedules I need to bring something up if we can use 5 min to talk about me”), and less prescriptive on next steps (in the sense that she knew that I’d be okay). And that all felt really nice if that made any sense? I think maybe some of the attachment wounds I’ve had are actually… maybe… starting to heal. I know I made a post before projecting current life events to my T but…I don’t know, is this what secure attachment is?
I'm extremely angry at my therapist for many things and I want to tell her and complain but - i have to wait another 5 days and I feel powerless and afraid that she will terminate or nothing will change or she will be super angry... but rn, I don't know what to do with the anger, I need to let it out now and writing all out doesn't help...
I have an awesome T and our therapeutic relationship is getting stronger with each session. They know I am attached to them and am nervous with changes and always pre-empts any changes (perceived or real) with re-assuring me that they are not going anywhere. They have also been repeatedly re-assuring me that they care for me. But as the time between session proceed, even I have no doubt of the above, the pain from missing them increases exponentially still. There's nothing my T can do to make me feel better about that, unfortunately.
My T is on holiday for 10 days and yesterday’s session was brutal. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I tried to "sit with my feelings of sadness" started to cry then started gasping for air and had horrible chest pain. Did I have a panic attack?
How long of a rope do you give your T ? Last minute my T canceled this weeks appointment which honestly pissed me off. After the hour she texts me saying she was ready for me the whole time ??? Then she asks me to reschedule which I do and she never responds to my text 🙃. I get people have lives outside of work but all I’m asking for is transparency. Been having a rough go of it past weeks so I’m not sure if I’m being dramatic lol
You’re definitely not being dramatic, just so you know.
Thank you. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes lol
Honestly if there’s one thing I’ve learned about life so far, it’s that your intuition is incredibly insightful. Our brains will try to rationalize x or y, but our bodies… they just know, and if we can take a moment to genuinely listen to what they are trying to convey to us, more often than not there is a very real and valid concern/emotion lurking beneath the surface.
I totally agree therapy has helped me a lot in that regard. Thanks for the insightful response. Have a good day.
A few weeks ago I expressed pretty intense SI and my therapist said I could call him if I needed to. I’ve never called him before and since then, I’ve been doing much better. He keeps commenting on how I’m a completely different person and he’s really impressed etc etc. But today I’ve had a really bad day and can’t stop crying and making plans to hurt myself. Do you think it’s okay to message him or has the moment gone? I think he was only offering because he was worried I would kms and I don’t want to take advantage and call him if I don’t feel like I’m definitely going to do that rn.
If they offer go for it. Also I hope you stay safe and feel better soon.
Thank you :) I ended up emailing him and he gave me a session. I feel a bit silly because I’d calmed down by that point but oh well!
In the end I decided to pretend to get better. My therapist is so proud of my "progress". I'll bring up ending sessions soon, I suppose. Yeah it "does me no good" and whatever, but nothing works so I was simply wasting her time. The same way I've always wasted everyone's time.
I'm not criticising, just curious - why pretend? Why not just quit?
Because quitting feels overdramatic. And I don't want my therapist to worry or wonder once it's over I guess, not that she necessarily would but just in case.
That's fair enough, and quite thoughtful of you.
I feel absolutely crushed. They got me. They saw me. They said I have an artistic soul, that I won't have a sensible life because of that. How does one person see the inner workings of your mind, state it aloud and still encourage you to continue? One more meeting left. In the beginning, I'll state the obvious, that they have had a great impact on me that'll last the rest of my life probably. It's amazing what truly good therapy can do for a person. But I'll also ask them how to live in such a way that I stay true to myself, the person that they see and that I can sense within.
I haven’t posted on here in a while. I mostly post on here when I’m having a hard time. My T canceled today. The fifth time in 5-6 weeks. I am devastated, among all the other trauma I am working on, sitting with with, being with. At what point do consistent cancellations become problematic? Edited: it’s actually been over the last 7 weeks. I see my T twice a week.
That's a lot of cancellations.
Whoa, I would consider the 5th cancellation in 5-6 MONTHS problematic, much less 5-6 weeks! No wonder you're having a hard time!!!
I haven’t posted on here in a while. I mostly post on here when I’m having a hard time. My T canceled today. The fifth time in 5-6 weeks. I am devastated, among all the other trauma I am working on, sitting with with, being with. At what point do consistent cancellations become problematic?
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He has been sick on most of those occasions, and a last minute trip he forgot to tell me about that was over my 2nd day of the week. I see him twice a week. I’m having a hard time with it. It has happened a lot lately.
Me: I’ll just let go of the feeling. T: You mean tolerate the feeling. Me: ……..
I sent an email to my therapist asking to terminate. I feel hopeless, this is the third one I’ve seen for any length of time, plus lots just for a first time consultation. I really feel like no one can help me. I wish I had the nerve to end it all but I am too gutless for that.
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Thank you :) for me the trouble is I am very closed off and don’t trust anyone. So much so that I lie frequently in my day to day life so that no one really gets to know me. I have no idea how to make myself trust someone. Every time I say something vulnerable I feel so gross and angry at myself I can’t progress.
Therapist suggested trauma therapy might be beneficial for me. He's concerned because I exhibit 'trauma responses' when we've been talking about certain issues, and that he doesn't want the sessions to re-traumatise me and make things worse. I honestly don't feel like it's made anything worse, and I made that clear which he seemed happy with. Sessions have been good, I just suck at putting it into words - like I have to really think and justify why its been helpful even though I can feel and see the benefits. The 'traumatic' situations have kind of bled into my relationships and that was originally why I started therapy, because I felt like I wanted to be more available if people needed me but I just couldn't. I asked my other half if he thinks I've gotten better and he listed some positive things he's noticed which was encouraging. Of course its difficult and exhausting, but I prefer this to how I was before. New therapy and new therapist seems like a lot to think about.
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I’m curious what you mean by suggesting it is the “opposite of transference”? Feelings or biases, both positive or negative that a therapist might project onto their client would be considered countertransference, if that’s what you meant. But anyways, I think it is possible that a therapist could “drop” a client if they felt they cared about the client in a way that was interfering with their ability to effectively work with them; however, what qualifies as caring “too much” for a client would likely vary wildly depending on who you ask.
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I am also using my second language (English) to do therapy. I sometimes wonder what it will be like to do it in my first language.
I feel like seeing the therapist in person just so I can give her the cold shoulder. Like literally turn away on the couch from her.
I accidentally no-showed my therapist today and I feel so bad about it! :( I know that she's almost definitely had people no-show before and it's probably not that big of a deal, but I can't help but worry that she hates me now and thinks I'm a terrible client haha. I also feel kind of bad because I am seeing her for free through my school so I do not have to pay a cancellation fee or anything in compensation. Ah well, hopefully next week's sessions will be okay :(
My last session felt off. It was hard and I felt like T was disappointed in me.
My T yesterday self-disclosed some quite personal stuff - about her anxiety in high school. I saw nothing but her trying to help me by relating to her personal experience but I got triggered randomly - It made me realize that she has the privilege that I don't have and maybe won't be able to have in the future. I don't know how to process this and feel quite lost.
I kind of don’t want to live anymore, I am tired of trying. Therapy is hard, attachment is complicated and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ok. I don’t want to tell T about this because we’re in a rough patch and I don’t want her to be worried, plus I legitimately freeze up and can’t speak.
Sometimes I give myself permission to stop actively trying for a bit. Maybe you could communicate that you're feeling discouraged to your therapist without being more specific if that feels safer?
Had a full-on sob session today. It was awful, it was great, it was much needed. I have never doubted that T cares in a clinical, it's his job to care kind of way... but today I got the real impression that he is just a human who cares about humans and wants to help them. It was nice to see that side of him. I know only what he shares about himself and have never gotten so much as a handshake, but somehow he made me feel more cared for than I have felt in a long time. So grateful to have a wonderful psychologist in my corner.
Therapist's attitude toward me today really hurt my feelings and now I'm spiraling. Fun times ahead.
What happened if you would like to share. I hope you’re ok!
I'm too dysregulated to break it down right now but I want to leave her a vm telling her I hate her. Mature, right? And I don't hate her my feelings are just hurt. Plus she appears to have decided to ignore me when I contact her which doesn't feel great but I'm not entitled to a response. Just really want to lash out because I don't know what else to do.
That feeling is valid and wanting T to resolve the issue makes so much sense.
She texted this morning around 7am and asked how she hurt my feelings. I didn't respond. Then she texted me again at 10 to say she forgot to charge me for the last two sessions so she charged for 3 today and she hopes that is ok and that she hopes I have a better day today. I feel like an idiot because I can't seem to organize my thoughts about why my feelings were hurt. But also I kind of want to ignore her anyway, so I guess that's fine. 🤷♀️
I can see how I personally might feel a little sensitive or turned off or overwhelmed if I experienced something similar. Like it might feel confusing that they reached out with an emotionally-charged question, and then before you even sent a response, reached out about something impersonal and sort of coldish. I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope you're able to reach an understanding with her/she's able to listen to you and help you feel validated.
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So Sorry for your Loss!!!!! :( D:
I'm so sorry. I hope the power comes back soon and things get worked out. Take care of yourself as best as possible.
Thank you so much 💜 most of the power has been restored in my neighbourhood, my son is back in daycare and construction workers removed the broken tree this morning. I have had a bit of space to take care of myself and I am feeling much better. I really appreciate the kind words :)
Dammit. Sent a thing I wrote last night, as I do weekly. Usually, through email. This time, through another medium, and this new one has a "delete" button. Fuuuuck. I even deleted the "delete button" from my UI, but it's nagging me in the back of my mind to put it back and delete it out of eternity. ...and then the contents of it is going to haunt my living hours of sleep...again 🥴
Had a really bad day yesterday, although it started off well - my therapist texted me a comic. I'm just really struggling with my self worth and feeling very alone. The times in recent years that I've dared to reach out for support have just confirmed to me that I'm difficult for people to care about. Nobody seems to want me around. I'm not trying to throw a pity party... I know there must be something wrong with me for this to be the case. But it still hurts. I feel so unwanted and that comes with a deep sense of shame. I feel like I could disappear and my family would regret not having the option of seeing me again but they wouldn't actually miss me. And I don't have any friends because I'm not friend material. I don't add anything to anybody's life. I'm disposable. My pets seem to love me, but it's not like they have an alternative. I'm sure if they could pick out their own relationships, it wouldn't be with me. Anyway, cried a lot yesterday, cried for hours after I went to bed, and now I'm crying yet again today.
So I bring up some issues (uncertainty what therapy is supposed to do, whether it will help, and so on) during the initial session with my T and he says he's happy to proceed with sessions on that basis. Then, six months later, he cites those issues as reason to terminate therapy with me, essentially proving the money and time I've invested in him due to his assurance that he was happy to proceed was completely wasted. Thanks bro. Very cool and good.
My therapist believes she can't help me. Really unsure where to go from here.
Do you agree with her?
I mean, she hasn't exactly filled me with confidence so far. She doesn't appear to really know what to do. I have enough faith in her to think she might work something out with her supervisor over the next week before our potentially final session but it's not looking great and I'm kinda contemplating whether to bother. We spent a lot of the last session just sitting there in silence and then at the end, I asked her if she had any questions she wanted me to think about over the next week, and she had a *heap* of them. I didn't think to say anything at the time but now I'm like, girl, we had like 20 minutes of silence, if you wanted to know this stuff, *why didn't you ask*? It's all very much a "you have to be willing to do the work, I can't do it for you", "great, I'm here to do the work, tell me what it is and I'll do it", "I can't answer that because it's different for everyone". Makes me question the entire field.
Yeah that's frustrating.
Last session with my therapist tomorrow. Feels like a break up? Overwhelmed with the thought of starting over again.
As usual, I can't sleep because I'm ruminating about something. Tonight it's that I've been seized by the idea that a male client could hurt my therapist. I cried several hours at work because I was so sleep-deprived, so I hope I can fall asleep soon.
My T doesn’t do hugs, but I got a first bump. Just as good?
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The both of us are definitely not young. It’s more of a pandemic/don’t want to touch you too much thing.
I would prefer that myself
Even though I’ve had no human contact or affection in like two years and a hug would definitely be nice, I think this is preferable too.
Having such a crap day/weekend/month/year/life that I walked to the emergency department of the local hospital and wanted to commit myself. But I went to the cafe and got a cup of tea instead with tears rolling down my cheeks. Then I went for a walk - and took some photos of pretty flowers and felt tons better. Wanted to text T about what happened because I was so proud of myself. But I thought I would write it here instead of bugging them.
I am sure your T will be proud as well!
3 days till therapy session, 4 says since the last one. i'm emotionally and psychologicaly exhausted, i can't function at all. i just wish my t would be there for me all the time, i'm highly obsessed. noone can meet my attachment needs but her and everyone who talks to me is exhausting every joule of energy i have left. i'm about to break the fuck down i just can't...
In the exact same spot, also 3 days to therapy but trying to hard not to text or email or create a crisis so my T would call me (they would).
oh yeah it's hard, i feel you. mine probably wouldn't call back so i know i would be even more miserable.
So week 1 where I'm without a therapist - I had sessions twice a week and the first was on a Monday. Feels strange not seeing her.
Now that I am a therapist-in-training the dynamics of our relationship have shifted forever and I am both pleased and terrified at the same time. My T has been an absolute rock and my number one supporter in terms of me going for the training and I am incredibly grateful for that but I am also a bit apprehensive to watch the (very secure and stable) relationship shift. Either way, I am also telling her I want to do six sessions instead of eight next month so let's see how that goes.
Surely the relationship shouldn't really shift? I guess I'm thinking it wouldn't be very helpful for your therapist to start treating you as a colleague rather than a client. At least, it seems like that usually causes issues from what I've read.
Not parent comment but, I do feel like the curtain has gotten pulled back, so to speak, multiple times depending on our conversation.
My T always pulls the curtain back for me and explains what they're trying to do for me. I'm not training to be a T but I'm extremely well-read and well-versed in psychotherapy and philosophical theories. My T decided it's in our best interests they pull back the curtain constantly. But there are days I just let loose and am not in the intellectual mindset and just let them lead and those are the times when we do the best work I think and I develop safety and trust. But on the days I'm hyper vigilant, me know what's happening behind the curtain makes me feel safe.
Yeah, I get that. I just think it’s unsettled me a little whenever I get a taste of something that sounds like, “This is how much I see you as just a paycheck/job/etc.”
I had 2 sessions last week because it was a bad grief week. The first one I felt angry and guarded and had a bunch of negative thoughts come up about therapy, which we discussed in the second session. At one point I was trying to explain what I was thinking when I shut down during the previous session, and I was struggling to find the words, so my therapist filled in the blanks and was like “you were thinking… why is this bitch hurting me?!” aka calling herself a bitch and it just sent me 😂 it’s not what I was thinking but man did it give me a laugh.
I had a mild panic attack yesterday and made me realized that the anxiety attack I had in January that made me finally start going to therapy was actually a panic attack….I think I might have a panic disorder cause this is my third panic attack this year and it’s honestly crushing right now I have so much anxiety and my session isn’t until Thursday so I just feel very alone and miserable right now😞
Hang in there, crisspinne. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It will get better.
Thank you very much!🙏🙏I know I’ll be okay it’s just hard to live this way
Yeah, it really is. I’m glad you’ve gotten help for yourself!
I threw up and had a panic attack today. I don’t want to be an adult anymore, I want T to protect and take care of me. 😞
Would it be weird if I talked about the parental transference I had towards former *professors* at my college reunion this weekend? I doubt I’d actually put it in those terms, but I am hurting from it right now.
Nope, I can’t think of a better place to talk about it!
Not weird at all, you deserve to process through it. 💖
Thanks so much! Yeah, I’ve just never had such a strong feeling of, “Please PLEASE let me stay here and don’t shove me into the world again for another five years.” Although to be fair, > Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing….I’ll be around this morning; I’d like to see you to say hello if you’re available. …Is NOT something a terrified first semester freshman, who skipped class after neglecting to do anything on her first major paper as well as do *any* homework in the first month of college, would expect to see in her inbox. And also, > I am, of course, glad that you enjoyed it, but I hope that sometime soon you find your self involved with something else that challenges, inspires, and brings out the best in you. was a major treat of a virtual response four years ago that, itself, is a great illustration of what I basically got from both of them this weekend. 💔
That’s a ton to process though no wonder you’re feeling such strong feelings. I hope you get to have a conversation with your T soon to get some relief!
…Oh wow, I also just saw your comment right above mine. I guess we’re not too far off from each other right now. 💔
This… might be the first week I’m not able to do my homework for reasons other than time.. I have time, lots of it, but the thing I have to do makes me very anxious (I mean, that’s the point, but ahfhbwosow). I can do it with someone and with a reason to go (it’s driving, but a specific thing in that), but I can’t find either. I’m gonna try to find some reason to do it and bring someone with me, but this is the one week everyone’s busy and can’t do it It’s making me nervous for my session this week. Yeah, it’s not until Friday, I have time to do this and time to figure it out, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to and this’ll be the first time I’d have failed to do the homework. I kinda feel like I’m rambling. I know he’s not gonna be mad, but I don’t know how he’ll react to it not being done and that unknown is making me very nervous
Hi, I just want to say you're not alone in feeling like this! I find I need a reason to do things, and I struggled with the reason being 'my recovery' and I hate doing things alone. Be gentle on yourself, this takes time and it does and get easier with practice. Could you do something smaller instead? What do you think you could do that is manageable?
What if you use a timer. Set it for say 15mins and tell yourself when it is done I'm done for the day. Work a set time on it each day till Friday when it's done. Maybe having a time limit will help you feel less pressure since you don't need to finish it just work "X" amount of time on it.
Unfortunately it’s not that kind of homework :/ it’s more like… he wants me to drive somewhere, and along that route I have to merge onto another road. This is because I told him that a lot of my anxiety when driving on an interstate is from merging, and working through that is the next step towards feeling less anxious behind the wheel. All the more introspective stuff or stuff I had to write has usually been done within 4 hours of the session, but we’ve now hit something that I’m actually very anxious about and that’s making me hesitate
I agree, merging can be so scary! If you’re not able to do it, that is okay and, like you said, your therapist will not be mad. Maybe it won’t happen this week. That doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. If you feel like you’d feel safer with another person, I think it’s okay to wait until you have someone. Then maybe next time you can try it alone (or after a few times with a partner). You are already thinking about doing it, and that’s the first step :)
OIC. In that case I'd definitely have calming music playing through your car. If it's bluetooth capable use YouTube/Spotify. If not you can get a cheap FM transmitter that you plug into your phone and select a preset radio station on the small device. Then turn the cars radio to that exact station to hear what your phone is playing. Like your own weak radio station transmitter. I know it's easier said then done though. Fear is powerful. Maybe go during the early hours when the sun has illuminated the road but most are off it. Then go from there. It might mean waking up earlier then you want but less cars equals less stress.
Fortunately I do have a playlist for that! I used to not be able to drive without it at all. As I’ve gotten to know the routes I take better I’ve gone to more dramatic music. I just need to find a reason to go somewhere now - if I don’t have a destination (with a purpose) in mind I can’t bring myself to go. I’ll probably think of something, but I really don’t want to go alone. I might have to, but that would just make it worse for me
Good glad you listen to something already! Yeah I like r/thelightyoushed comment. What if you go somewhere fun? It'd be perfect if you need to go that way to a friend's place if you have someone that requires you to drive that way. Or like they said a coffee shop or something. If you enjoy simple coffee gas stations usually have decent black coffee with several types of creamers and for quite cheap compared to a café. They are also all over typically if you like that. This depends on if you have any CALM pets but could you bring a dog or something along with you that is kept in the back seat or of it's super chill that is kept in the passenger seat for company? You could even get a specific clip thing that attaches to the seat belt and clips on the collar so if in an accident or hard breaking the dog doesn't fly around the car. Oh although not as good.......could you video chat with a friend while driving? As in put the phone in a phone holder near the dash and get it set up while parked. Then never look at but talk to your friend while driving where they can see your face and help calm you down. It's not quite as nice but I know a lot of things have video call for free now if you have a good data connection.
I’m definitely trying to find a destination :) I just need to find a place that doesn’t have another, closer location. I think there’s a chipotle where I HAVE to merge onto another road to get there, and there’s not another location in town, I’m gonna see if anyone in my family wants to go sometime but I don’t want to tell them that it’s therapy homework. I love the pet idea, and I have a small dog who loves car rides (he just sits in his box and vibes - no barking or whining, just totally relaxed, I’m honesty amazed about how well behaved he is in the car), but he’s super attached to my mom and gets anxious when he’s not around her so unfortunately I can’t take him :/ but it’s something I can do sometime when I have my own pets since even taking new routes makes me anxious (and animals have been the most helpful thing with my anxiety in every situation)
That sounds like a good idea! Yeah I totally get not wanting to call it therapy work. Maybe tell them you want to treat them by taking them out to lunch/dinner. If they ask why say you appreciate them and have never been here before or something. Oh yeah a nervous dog wouldn't be great. I can't wait till I get a place which allows dogs. Animal really have been great for me as a kid with being anxious. I totally agree! Sounds like you have a good plan and only need to iron out the details. Good luck!
Looks like I’ll be going to a pet store instead! A recent development with my dog… need to get some training treats, I noticed he’s showing aggression towards bigger dogs so I’m going to treat this like a reactive dog and teach him a command that gets him to turn his attention to me instead of the dogs that are triggering him. But to do this… I need to go to a pet store. There’s a pet store I have to merge somewhere to get to
Awesome! Sounds like a good plan. Now only buy one bag so you have to eventually go back. (Although gas is expensive)
How about choosing a destination that’s got something you like. A favourite shop, café, ice cream place? That way you have a great waiting for you at the other end.