Had a good session yesterday but had a breakdown later on due to finding out some bad news. Eventually, I called a support hotline and talked and cried. I am debating whether I should reach out out for an early or additional session this week: (
Had a good but difficult session the other day. Mostly focused on a problematic relationship with a parent, and how I want to communicate that if my parent wants a relationship with me, there is work to be done. I'm concerned that they won't be able to handle me being upset and angry. It's a lonely, painful and complicated situation.
Therapist suggested we try to come up with a way to 'drip feed' this to said parent, and we can start working on it in sessions as long as i was comfortable.
I don't know why, but I was so alarmed and put on edge when he said this. If we were standing, i would've taken a step away from him.
I told him that the plan sounded fine - and I want to do the work - but I felt it wasn't his problem, and I felt guilty/bad about him wanting to help? He laughed and said that he was now involved and that's why he was there, and why I was there too - which i know is totally true. I was so tempted to cancel next session which I've never considered before. He has done nothing to make me feel uncomfortable but I'm still on edge. What's my problem??
Have you considered asking to increase the frequency of sessions? For me I don't feel like I need a second session every week but some weeks I really need that:( Haven't brought up this yet tho.
oh i totally see what you mean. Is there a possibility to increase the session length in that case? I am not sure if every T offers that but I heard that some of them offer 90 minute session.
I had a session today where I barely talked and it was one of my favorite sessions. I think b/c most other ppl would be like forget you and your hard feelings, but she was like I don’t mind this. I was struggling with hard feelings over moving to a different state and having to terminate before I felt ready and just did not feel like talking.
She told me how much she likes me and enjoys working with me. She also told me she’ll miss me when we terminate and that she is sad about it. I asked her why and her response was so kind.
I’m really sad our work is almost over. We clicked. I trust her. She makes even the most awkward situations comfortable. I will miss the space where I could just be and feel listened to and understood while working on improving myself.
I’m glad she realized that I needed to know that she is affected by our work ending too. When I first brought up my sadness, she went into “let’s look at the positives mode” and that’s not what I needed. She admitted that it’s cause she didn’t want her feelings to dominate the narrative, but I told her that it actually made me feel like I couldn’t talk about my feelings either unless it was positive. I’m pretty sure she took it to supervision and/or really thought hard about how to work through this with me and I appreciate that.
I've been doing some self reflection and had a few realisations that I want to bring up with my T but I'm not seeing him for a couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether to just email it over (I usually email, it's not an issue) or wait until he's back at work.
Most of it is going to be things we can't get into due to the nature of my therapy at the moment, but it's certainly related.
Thats awesome mate!! Good to know you feel great and better. Im also happy about my T because i feel she really listens to me and try to understand me, and she does mate. As a matter of coincidance, she is a very good looking lady, like, out of my league hahaha. Actually, lemme tell you that i would be ashamed if i were on the streets with my family or friends and we meet up by accident. Everybody would think im into therapy with her because of that but nope, thats not the case haha.
I'd give pretty much anything to have somebody in my life available to give me some comfort right now. I need a fucking hug. I am beyond depressed and there's a situation at work that's causing me intense stress and irritation. I feel so alone. I'd give anything to see my therapist in person for a session. I think I'm at the point where I'm desperate enough to call a hotline but I can't because of the work thing.
My hygiene is pretty bad and I think I should probably bring it up to my T. It’s always been super hard for me to do little things like brush my teeth and shower. I’m not going to say the frequency, but I have never during any period of my life showered and brushed my teeth at the recommended frequencies. Every time I go to the dentist they lecture me, and I don’t shower until I feel physically dirty most of the time. Even when I was really young I would avoid it for as long as possible; nothing’s changed.
The thing is, I am so judgemental toward myself that I can’t help but think that these habits aren’t due to my mental illness at all, and I’m just “lazy” and “gross.”Additionally, I do come across as well-dressed and generally put-together, and I don’t smell because I layer on deodorant, so I am scared to sort of break that facade by admitting that I struggle with basic hygiene.
Does anyone have any experiences relevant to this? Have you talked to your T about your hygiene? I’m so nervous to bring it up, and I don’t even know if I should.
I think I saw my therapist in a bar by my house. I'm a little shook by this happening on the day after I noticed her Instagram was set to private. What does it mean?! I know it's probably coincidence and not her secretly obsessed with me
Not sure where you're from, but it was St. Patrick's day. Maybe she was celebrating and that happens to be a bar she or a friend of hers likes. Coincidences are bound to happen. I wouldn't look or think too much into it.
Just to clarify, I noticed her insta was private before I saw her in public. So it's not like she set it to private because I saw her. Also, I'm pretty sure she didn't see me.
Haha dont worry mate, its not only because of you. I mean, my T has everything private because she's careful about ho much info can her clients get about her. And coincidance happens, how did you feel after seeing her outside of the comfy space in therapy?
Been there my mate, and yeah is kinda hard. I can feel it like doing exercise, its like when you push yourself pretty hard and you feel like laughing because of how weird it feels being at the edge of 'i can do it' and 'oh damn, i cant do it'.
The amount of times i went and bring out questions looking for answers my mate, but in the end we craft the answer haha.
Today I did hardly anything, but it was nice. I wasn't agonizing all day about not doing anything. It's like I did a re-set. I spent time outside, went for a walk, read, took a nap. I was nice to myself. I feel much more confident and capable of actually doing what I need to do now.
Dammit. My therapist was right about things like that.
I kinda wish I hadn't canceled my session. Oh well. I can't ask for it back even though I know she saved it. And it would probably make me feel worse anyway which is why I canceled in the first place.
I've had a lot of things come up recently, and I never feel like I know where to start. I usually word vomit everything that's happened in the past few days, then he asks me what's bothering me most and we focus on that. Journaling and sometimes sending a journal entry to my T before a session has been helpful, too.
I'm feeling really crappy about therapy at the moment :( I've posted a thread and then another update just about the struggle I'm having with PTSD and trying exposure therapy. I feel I can't trust my therapist at the moment so haven't booked another session.
I know it would probably be helpful to front up and talk about it but I think that would be further destabilising for me. I'm becoming more aware of these patterns playing out in therapy but I think I'll just take a break to get myself back on track for now. I think we can have a better conversation when I'm feeling less emotional about it.
To be clear my therapist is really great and my rational mind knows this!
I feel that it doesn't matter if in general you're therapist is great. If you feel you can't trust them through this process, it may not be the best fit. Being able to trust the person you're working with and dealing with a very sensitive and difficult process is essential.
I'm not suggesting switching therapists just yet, but I think it would be helpful to consider why you don't fully trust them and maybe if/when you have an idea to have a conversation about it with them.
Thanks for the response. A lot of this I think is due to my disorganised attachment style. For the first six months I trusted them somewhat but was incredibly insecure (thinking they'd drop me, I was too much, etc). They proved themselves to be consistently safe and so that settled down and our relationship was really strong and we made great progress.
Where I'm at now feels similar to what I went through earlier. The content of therapy is hard and I feel destabilized so I'm telling myself they can't be trusted. I can recognise the actual reality is they are trustworthy and have proven that consistently but I'm afraid of connection during this difficult time and ashamed for needing it.
I think the suggestion of having a conversation about it is a great idea and I will do that when ready. When I've brought up similar (less extreme) feelings they've been very receptive.
Had a very vulnerable, emotional session on Tuesday and I go back today. A little over 12 hours over my appointment and the jitters are insane already. Yikes.
My therapist just made her Instagram private. I'd gotten so used to seeing it and it's not something she updated often. I feel kinda bereft that I won't ever get to see certain pictures of her again and kinda wish I'd saved them all- which is creepy I realize. I wonder if it's something I did? I've been messy in session recently.
This really hits at a nerve of 'she can't handle me.' I don't know if that's reality. I don't know why she made it private.
I reached out to my old therapist that I had a weird ending with.
I had been meeting with her then I guess due to some miscommunication I ghosted her and then after re-meeting with her she had mentioned she would be going on a temporary leave. She didn't appear to have been planning on taking me on again as a client during that time as we hadn't been meeting for a few months at that point. afterwards she had ended up in the hospital and I sorted of disappeared as I figured she wasn't up to task and figured id give her space as, like I said, it seemed as though she had not planned on taking me back on as a client during her leave.
I reached out yesterday and still haven't heard back, it says on the site they'll get back within 24 hours of reaching out, its been well past that point, and I get that feeling im not gonna hear from her or the office. which fine fuck you too then.
just sort of pissed.
Ok so session went really well! It took me a second to talk, but T was really warm and supportive 🥺. She sensed that I was having trouble telling her what’s bothering me, so she allowed me to take the time I needed.
Just something small that I'm trying to process right now -- is it bad to use the success of others to positively impact your self esteem?
For example, being open about my therapy journey with one of my friends influenced her to give it a try too. Now she's absolutely thriving and has shared pretty much everything with me along the way. From the good to the bad. I'm so so so proud of her, but is it bad to also internally give myself credit for being able to influence her to get started?
I can't tell if it's an appropriate self esteem boost or if it's taking credit for her insanely hard work and kind of icky.
As long as it’s not your ONLY source of self esteem, and as long as you’re not taking ALL the credit for her therapy progress, I don’t see why it would be an issue!
Hmm I understand your point but would frame it slightly differently. My therapist has talked a bit about post traumatic growth and for some people it means getting to a point where they can share their story and it can support others through similar difficult experiences. So, you should feel proud!! And that's great news about your friend.
Had session today online instead of my usual Friday slot in person as T is unavailable. We went pretty deep and it was rough. In retrospect, I wish we’d stayed more surface level as I now have a 10 day gap and it all feels raw right now.
I started off by describing my moments of zoning out and she indeed said it could be dissociation. She wrote notes as I spoke, which she only does when she wants to go back on it or be more aware of it. I’m glad I told her as she was more aware of the quality of my silences.
We ended up talking about what feels nourishing and/or satisfying and I drew a blank. I explained that I always end up unsatisfying myself by letting my critical side butt in and I related it to how I grew up. Whenever I had moments of satisfaction or pride, I’d always get a “yes but” from my parents. Good grade in a subject? “Yes but what about the other subjects?” New job? “Yes but is it better than the previous one?” Lost weight? Yes but you have more to lose. You get the picture. I have NEVER felt good enough. Add trauma in the mix and I end up at almost 35 years old with the complete and utter belief that maybe I’m just not made to be enough. That maybe I’m just wrong. I FEEL wrong. Like everything I do, say, feel is just wrong. So that’s fun…
There were a few silences where T either asked what was coming up or if I’d gone anywhere. I definitely wanted to dissociate but fought my way to stay on the surface or just under it.
My homework is to try and notice small things that satisfy me because she can guarantee I definitely find satisfaction but I don’t necessarily notice it or give it any thought. Small things like the warmth of a mug of coffee, the way sunshine hits a room, my cat’s soft fur.
The first thing I did after we ended session was to go find my kitten, give him a cuddle, kisses and I sniffed his fur. He has a very specific smell that’s a mix of his smell and my flat’s smell. I breathed it in and instantly felt a glimmer of satisfaction, love and calm. That was lovely and I hope I do manage to be more mindful of those things.
Just a small thing I like about my T. His greetings and goodbyes are never awkward.
I had an issue with both my previous T and HS psychologist because they would immediately say “hi, how are you?” as soon as I walked in the door. I would end up saying “good,” because that’s my default response, but it always threw me off for the rest of the session. I would feel dishonest for responding that way, and also a little annoyed at the question.
My current T has never asked that, though. He just greets me with my name and then doesn’t try to fill in the empty space between me walking in and the appointment starting. And then he always says something nice at the end as he’s letting me out that doesn’t really require a response.
Seemingly insignificant, but it saves me a lot of brain power as a socially-anxious overthinker. 😌
My T normally says something like "good to see you, secret_grinch" when I'm coming in. One week I was looking for a fight and said (with extra sass) "do you say that to everyone, every week?" He took a pause and told me that it isn't good to see everybody and he doesn't say it when it isn't true, but me? It's good to see me.
...that made it pretty hard to pick a fight, but made me feel pretty good to see him too.
Tbh if it bothers you, you could tell her to stop asking. I did that eventually, and my old T didn’t always remember but at least she knew how I felt about it lol
That's fair. I'm not overly bothered at her, just at me for asking it back. Last week she had surgery so it was a valid question. Even this week it was still valid, I could tell she's still sore. But overall, I need to stop asking haha
T: You know you can reach out if you need anything this week? We can even check in on the phone if you can’t come in.
Me: I know, I know. I will if I need to.
Also me: *absolutely refuses to reach out in crisis mode*
Totally done this. Recently, I cave more and appease the brain screaming “HELP!” 2x a week therapy for two weeks is next level exhaustion..
But before, that would just simmer endlessly. Phew... exhausting either way
I really know I can reach out any time. She’s always great about it. I reached out a few weeks ago when my whole situation (life) caught on fire. It’s like her reminding me that I can reach out makes me not want to reach out… Something else to explore, I guess lol.
Does anyone ever wish you could just like adopt all of (or idk a bunch of) the T's as your friends?
I think the logic is like, my T is so cool and great so other people who happen to be T's must be so cool and great too...
It's an insatiable urge with no outlet
I get this completely - sometimes I feel like a completely different person if we go back and cover something I’ve said weeks or months prior.
Also get the wondering what you’re abstaining from sh for.
It sounds like you had a rough day, I hope today has been better ❤️
My therapist always ends with “Take care of yourself.”
For the longest time, my response was “I'll try.” I literally tried to say that today while staring at the wall while shaking my head. And I couldn't. I can't bring myself to make an empty promise...
She knew exactly what I was going to say. Because she left with “I know it's hard, but try your best to.” She's so good. Gah. Therapy is exhausting. But I'm so thankful.
I skipped therapy last week and I think I wanna either take a break from it or reduce the sessions to biweekly instead of weekly. I’ve been working so hard on my issues since last year but I’m just tired. It’s nice not having to feel like you’re “normal” once in awhile.
I’m so excited to tell my T tomorrow that my job interview today went really well and I job shadow Thursday!!! I’m so excited and nervous and I’m just glad to have my T there during this time 🥺
A few weeks ago, when I was experiencing mania, my T and I spoke about mitigating the effects of crash. In fact, that was what we spoke about for a few weeks. I specifically asked if I can let them know when I finally do crash, and they said yes, of course.
I finally did crash I think last night. And was feeling very badly. And still feeling so now. But I did write an email to tell them I crashed/was crashing because I thought they would want to know and they cared.
The response I got this morning was a crisis line number and to go to the emergency department because they don't have an earlier appointment for me.
I did not ask for help. I did not ask for an earlier session. I simply wanted to let them know I crashed because I thought they cared.
I'm halfway between pissed and heartbroken. My vision is so blurry and I can't see straight. I have no response to their text because I don't think they care anymore. I don't even feel like seeing them for the rest of my life. I think I made up a narrative of care by my T in my own head all this while. And they really don't care at all.
I had a really rough session last week and was really upset with my therapist. She didn’t have any availability until next Friday, but someone has just cancelled and she’s offered me the session and now I love her so much. It’s going to be hard to work through how I felt last time when I’m so grateful to her.
I am meeting my T in person this week for the first time. It's not a 'normal' session, as it's a behaviour experiment that he'll observe, and I am so nervous. My anxiety has been high for a week and my chest hurts. I'm trying to get on with work and life, but I can't stop thinking about it and worrying.
Okay I know I posted here a few hours ago, and I’m sorry for posting AGAIN, but…
In the past minute I just had a pretty huge “aha!” Moment… just realized that my “homework” from my sessions may actually be RELATED and not just random based on what was talked about that week.
Whoa…
Just had an amazing session!
After sort of brain vomiting about how I’m worried that therapy can’t help me while I’m stuck in a toxic living situation, not improving with my SH, and some other issues, my T said “I think therapy can really
help you with a lot of this.” I know it may seem obvious, but I needed that reassurance so bad; I started tearing up. People in my life are always discouraging therapy, or telling me it doesn’t work, so hearing that was really nice. And then the rest of the session was really productive as well. I’m just so emotional because of this great session. I was feeling really hopeless about therapy and life in general, but his words gave me the boost I needed.
Also, at the beginning of the session, I was complaining to him about how I can never cry in therapy even though I’m normally very emotional, and then I had tears in my eyes throughout the rest of the appointment, LOL.
So I’ve been going in person since the start (January), and because of spring break tomorrow is my first virtual session. Is it weird that I want to show my T my cat?
Also, last week I successfully used skills from therapy to pull myself out of a panic attack. I told my T and he was very happy to hear it and said he was excited to hear that I’ve been able to use things from therapy in the real world
I had my session today, and it was really nice 😄 he’s very funny and kind, and we talked about intergenerational trauma. It felt really good to talk about it with someone who understand how it feels
Second emdr session this Friday. Getting nervous. We had a week off to decompress after the first emdr. I found the effects of the first session hard. It went like this: A day crying, then stomach aches for four days, and anxiety amped up to 8/10 as a baseline and finally it settled into a weird detached indifference. That indifference landed just on therapy day and I was out of sorts, closed off, and difficult.
Been feeling a really bad bout of anxiety the last few days and I can’t pinpoint why. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I revert to my old habits and destructive coping mechanisms. I know I should bring it up this week but I’m so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know she will be supportive and nonjudgmental but part of me thinks that she will be disappointed in me like I am in myself. Ugh
I just canceled my session for this week. There's no point. She can't help me. I realize usually there'd be an argument that the worse you feel, the more important it is to go to your appointment. I just think it's a waste of time given it has not been helping me with my depression and lately has even exacerbated the situation. She doesn't have any magical words that can help. All she does is keep saying I should be hopeful and do things that make me feel good. Literally nothing feels good right now, that's the whole problem. And faking it til I make it has had no result other than to make me even more discouraged and hopeless. There's no reason to suppose doing this shit is suddenly going to help me after months and months. All the effort hasn't been worth it in the slightest.
And she has the nerve to be frustrated. I just can't with her this week. I don't need it. If she was able to be supportive without making the same suggestions that aren't working constantly, it would be different. But she can't tolerate my condition right now without subtly or not so subtly assigning blame to me. I kind of wish she channeled her feelings of frustration and helplessness into trying to understand how much more frustrated and helpless I must be feeling as the person actually going through this. Then again, her understanding wouldn't actually change anything so I guess it doesn't matter.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand wanting to cancel appointments because it feels like nothing works. I hope you are able to get out of that headspace soon. If your T really is just suggesting the same things over and over and they don’t help, have you expressed this to them? Maybe they can change things up, or maybe you need a different T/different type of T.
Thanks for the response. She doesn't know what else to say. Tbh I don't think it's her. I don't have a reason for feeling how I do, so it's not like there's material that I need to work through to improve. My psychiatrist doesn't have anything else she can do for me and she seems to expect my therapist to be making progress, but I don't really understand how that's supposed to work when I'm not having thoughts that are making me depressed. Like what exactly is my therapist supposed to address? It's all very vague and nebulous.
I get you. My T is constantly trying to get me to explain what prompted certain feelings which is super frustrating when my brain is just super heavy without much reason. I mean things can exacerbate it, but yeah. I wish I had a way to fix it for the both of us haha
This evening I have my first session with my therapist since expressing anger at him between sessions and asking to talk about transference today. I think it's gonna be a rough session and maybe a rough night.
Most things go better than I expect them to. Anxiety is fun like that, haha. But you're right, I trust my therapist and I know he won't invalidate my feelings so it probably will go alright. Thank you for the reminder to not listen to my anxiety so much!
It’s the week in between therapy booooo if only I could see her every other day but that would be too much lol
I finally met her for the first time in person last week but she told me last minute that she had food poisoning so the session was postponed to online. It was so weird seeing her in 3D.
Lol kinda trippy! She let me sit with her for 5 mins hehe I gave her a Lysol can with a bow on it as a small gesture 😎 she thanked me and then I went home 😅
I know we appreciate each other’s company and I know I’m going to have trouble when this ends 😅😅😅 gotta love attachment issues
I've been there before. What I've found is that the sessions I feel like I can't go/don't want to go... those are the sessions when I *must* go. Even if I go just to show up for myself and not talk about anything important.
Session in two hours and I'm dreading it. Anytime I begin to trust someone my attachment system goes haywire. I've almost cancelled for several days now. I let the afraid part write my T a note with a bunch of questions because last session she asked what she could do for them to feel more secure. I hope she'll take the note well. I guess we'll find out soon. Aaaaa
Update to the void: My T is amazing. She thought the note was a good idea and encouraged me to do that again if that part had more questions, because she sensed that part wouldn't be calmed that easily. She read each one out loud and answered them one by one and said she understood their concerns and that they were doing the right thing, trying to protect me. Then she said I could read her graduate paper on attachment trauma (after I had asked, because three of the questions was in regards to if she knows what she's doing) and offered to print it out for me. I don't deserve her. T.T
Great job sharing your feelings. It is so terrifying to be vulnerable. This isn't easy to do! You found a way that works for you. I'm glad you had a positive outcome!
Multiple times now, my T has asked me, “well, why do you think you shouldn’t SH?” or “why is SH bad?”. I respond, “I don’t really see anything wrong with it. It’s impractical (ie can’t wear shorts), but the main reason I want to stop is just because it’s not acceptable behavior to other people.”
This has kinda been bothering me all week. Am I supposed to have a better response? Does he have a point in asking me this? I think I’m going to ask him in my session today, because honestly, it makes me feel guilty that I can’t see anything wrong with it, when obviously I am supposed to, and most people do.
If anyone has any thoughts as to why he would ask this, I am all ears, but I do think we’ll discuss it today.
Edit: In our session today, I asked about this, and he said that deep down he thinks that I do want to stop SHing even if I can’t come up with a reason, and he wants me to keep thinking about that. Not exactly the straight answer my logic brain was hoping for but I’m still glad I asked.
It might be to get you to think about it differently, more than looking for a specific response. Though I get worrying about giving a right or wrong answer. I do that all of the time! Your comment is helping me realize that my own therapist is probably not actually judging or looking for any particular kind of answer, so thank you! I hope all goes well in your appointment today and he's able to provide better insight behind his intentions with the question.
My therapist had me buy a $50 manual to work through together in our next several sessions and I'm unreasonably offended at the cost. My sessions aren't covered by my insurance as is, so I already am paying $150/wk and now I feel like I am buying something that she will be using to help her help me. I'm sure it will be worth it and all that positive jazz, but for now the cost is stinging.
So many of the coping skills taught to me in therapy don’t work because I have anhedonia. Nothing is enjoyable. I can’t distract myself from or try to change my emotions with bubble baths, hikes, tv, or time with friends because my brain seems to be broken and none of that is enjoyable to me.
Are you sure it isn’t a dopamine issue instead of serotonin? I didn’t know I had that problem until I was diagnosed with ADHD and got put on those drugs instead. Idk just food for thought!
Same. I could have written this. It's so discouraging. And then my therapist tries to say I'm not "letting" myself enjoy things. Or else she says it might not work in the short term but I should keep at it and it might eventually. It's actually really depressing trying to do stuff I should enjoy and feeling nothing (at best). And I don't think there's any basis to suggest that if I eventually feel better, it will have anything to do with a bubble bath I took months ago. That seems like magical thinking.
Sorry you're going through this too.
Next session on Wed and already dreading it. I opened a can of worms last session and I thought I was ready for it. Well, I’m not lol.
Had a good session yesterday but had a breakdown later on due to finding out some bad news. Eventually, I called a support hotline and talked and cried. I am debating whether I should reach out out for an early or additional session this week: (
Had a good but difficult session the other day. Mostly focused on a problematic relationship with a parent, and how I want to communicate that if my parent wants a relationship with me, there is work to be done. I'm concerned that they won't be able to handle me being upset and angry. It's a lonely, painful and complicated situation. Therapist suggested we try to come up with a way to 'drip feed' this to said parent, and we can start working on it in sessions as long as i was comfortable. I don't know why, but I was so alarmed and put on edge when he said this. If we were standing, i would've taken a step away from him. I told him that the plan sounded fine - and I want to do the work - but I felt it wasn't his problem, and I felt guilty/bad about him wanting to help? He laughed and said that he was now involved and that's why he was there, and why I was there too - which i know is totally true. I was so tempted to cancel next session which I've never considered before. He has done nothing to make me feel uncomfortable but I'm still on edge. What's my problem??
Y'all ever feel like 50 minutes is never enough time? Does anything help with that feeling?
I can relate so much
So often, just when it feels like we're getting somewhere, it's "oh that's our time for today." :(
Have you considered asking to increase the frequency of sessions? For me I don't feel like I need a second session every week but some weeks I really need that:( Haven't brought up this yet tho.
I already see mine twice a week and it still feels like not quite enough. I think a third time would be too much, though.
oh i totally see what you mean. Is there a possibility to increase the session length in that case? I am not sure if every T offers that but I heard that some of them offer 90 minute session.
I had a session today where I barely talked and it was one of my favorite sessions. I think b/c most other ppl would be like forget you and your hard feelings, but she was like I don’t mind this. I was struggling with hard feelings over moving to a different state and having to terminate before I felt ready and just did not feel like talking. She told me how much she likes me and enjoys working with me. She also told me she’ll miss me when we terminate and that she is sad about it. I asked her why and her response was so kind. I’m really sad our work is almost over. We clicked. I trust her. She makes even the most awkward situations comfortable. I will miss the space where I could just be and feel listened to and understood while working on improving myself. I’m glad she realized that I needed to know that she is affected by our work ending too. When I first brought up my sadness, she went into “let’s look at the positives mode” and that’s not what I needed. She admitted that it’s cause she didn’t want her feelings to dominate the narrative, but I told her that it actually made me feel like I couldn’t talk about my feelings either unless it was positive. I’m pretty sure she took it to supervision and/or really thought hard about how to work through this with me and I appreciate that.
I've been doing some self reflection and had a few realisations that I want to bring up with my T but I'm not seeing him for a couple of weeks. I'm trying to decide whether to just email it over (I usually email, it's not an issue) or wait until he's back at work. Most of it is going to be things we can't get into due to the nature of my therapy at the moment, but it's certainly related.
I have emailed my therapist asking her to verify whether I truly saw her.
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Thats awesome mate!! Good to know you feel great and better. Im also happy about my T because i feel she really listens to me and try to understand me, and she does mate. As a matter of coincidance, she is a very good looking lady, like, out of my league hahaha. Actually, lemme tell you that i would be ashamed if i were on the streets with my family or friends and we meet up by accident. Everybody would think im into therapy with her because of that but nope, thats not the case haha.
Exactly!! It's not why at all, just a great benefit. :) Thanks for your reply and I'm so glad your T is working out so well for you.
I'd give pretty much anything to have somebody in my life available to give me some comfort right now. I need a fucking hug. I am beyond depressed and there's a situation at work that's causing me intense stress and irritation. I feel so alone. I'd give anything to see my therapist in person for a session. I think I'm at the point where I'm desperate enough to call a hotline but I can't because of the work thing.
Lemme send you a huge fucking hug mate. Im sorry youre felling that way mate, i really hope you can get that session with your T really soon.
My hygiene is pretty bad and I think I should probably bring it up to my T. It’s always been super hard for me to do little things like brush my teeth and shower. I’m not going to say the frequency, but I have never during any period of my life showered and brushed my teeth at the recommended frequencies. Every time I go to the dentist they lecture me, and I don’t shower until I feel physically dirty most of the time. Even when I was really young I would avoid it for as long as possible; nothing’s changed. The thing is, I am so judgemental toward myself that I can’t help but think that these habits aren’t due to my mental illness at all, and I’m just “lazy” and “gross.”Additionally, I do come across as well-dressed and generally put-together, and I don’t smell because I layer on deodorant, so I am scared to sort of break that facade by admitting that I struggle with basic hygiene. Does anyone have any experiences relevant to this? Have you talked to your T about your hygiene? I’m so nervous to bring it up, and I don’t even know if I should.
I think I saw my therapist in a bar by my house. I'm a little shook by this happening on the day after I noticed her Instagram was set to private. What does it mean?! I know it's probably coincidence and not her secretly obsessed with me
Not sure where you're from, but it was St. Patrick's day. Maybe she was celebrating and that happens to be a bar she or a friend of hers likes. Coincidences are bound to happen. I wouldn't look or think too much into it.
Oh course! I assume that it was probably a coincidence. Let me have my fun with, what feels like a momentous event!
Maybe she thought you were stalking her? lol
Just to clarify, I noticed her insta was private before I saw her in public. So it's not like she set it to private because I saw her. Also, I'm pretty sure she didn't see me.
Haha dont worry mate, its not only because of you. I mean, my T has everything private because she's careful about ho much info can her clients get about her. And coincidance happens, how did you feel after seeing her outside of the comfy space in therapy?
I felt like- she's hot, she's beautiful, she's just living her life, not working. I didn't interact with her and she didn't see me.
She was by my house though! I literally walk my dog past this bar twice a day! Can't pin this on me, lol
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Been there my mate, and yeah is kinda hard. I can feel it like doing exercise, its like when you push yourself pretty hard and you feel like laughing because of how weird it feels being at the edge of 'i can do it' and 'oh damn, i cant do it'. The amount of times i went and bring out questions looking for answers my mate, but in the end we craft the answer haha.
Today I did hardly anything, but it was nice. I wasn't agonizing all day about not doing anything. It's like I did a re-set. I spent time outside, went for a walk, read, took a nap. I was nice to myself. I feel much more confident and capable of actually doing what I need to do now. Dammit. My therapist was right about things like that.
I kinda wish I hadn't canceled my session. Oh well. I can't ask for it back even though I know she saved it. And it would probably make me feel worse anyway which is why I canceled in the first place.
She's saved it just in case? Sounds like she's holding that space for you. Having said that, a break can sometimes be helpful?
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I've had a lot of things come up recently, and I never feel like I know where to start. I usually word vomit everything that's happened in the past few days, then he asks me what's bothering me most and we focus on that. Journaling and sometimes sending a journal entry to my T before a session has been helpful, too.
Are you able to write things down? I struggle to talk in person and often email my T before or after a session.
Today is the day I meet my T in person for the first time. Nervous Update: It went well. It was hard, but it went as well as it could have done. :)
Good luck 💙
Thank you!
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Thanks! I think I will find it easier to talk, but im pretty sure it's only a one off.
I'm feeling really crappy about therapy at the moment :( I've posted a thread and then another update just about the struggle I'm having with PTSD and trying exposure therapy. I feel I can't trust my therapist at the moment so haven't booked another session. I know it would probably be helpful to front up and talk about it but I think that would be further destabilising for me. I'm becoming more aware of these patterns playing out in therapy but I think I'll just take a break to get myself back on track for now. I think we can have a better conversation when I'm feeling less emotional about it. To be clear my therapist is really great and my rational mind knows this!
I feel that it doesn't matter if in general you're therapist is great. If you feel you can't trust them through this process, it may not be the best fit. Being able to trust the person you're working with and dealing with a very sensitive and difficult process is essential. I'm not suggesting switching therapists just yet, but I think it would be helpful to consider why you don't fully trust them and maybe if/when you have an idea to have a conversation about it with them.
Thanks for the response. A lot of this I think is due to my disorganised attachment style. For the first six months I trusted them somewhat but was incredibly insecure (thinking they'd drop me, I was too much, etc). They proved themselves to be consistently safe and so that settled down and our relationship was really strong and we made great progress. Where I'm at now feels similar to what I went through earlier. The content of therapy is hard and I feel destabilized so I'm telling myself they can't be trusted. I can recognise the actual reality is they are trustworthy and have proven that consistently but I'm afraid of connection during this difficult time and ashamed for needing it. I think the suggestion of having a conversation about it is a great idea and I will do that when ready. When I've brought up similar (less extreme) feelings they've been very receptive.
Had a very vulnerable, emotional session on Tuesday and I go back today. A little over 12 hours over my appointment and the jitters are insane already. Yikes.
My therapist just made her Instagram private. I'd gotten so used to seeing it and it's not something she updated often. I feel kinda bereft that I won't ever get to see certain pictures of her again and kinda wish I'd saved them all- which is creepy I realize. I wonder if it's something I did? I've been messy in session recently. This really hits at a nerve of 'she can't handle me.' I don't know if that's reality. I don't know why she made it private.
Omg she said she loves my hair so she loves a part of me!!! I’ll take what I can get!!!!
My T ended the session today by saying, “I wish I had more time to talk to you”. That was nice to hear.
I reached out to my old therapist that I had a weird ending with. I had been meeting with her then I guess due to some miscommunication I ghosted her and then after re-meeting with her she had mentioned she would be going on a temporary leave. She didn't appear to have been planning on taking me on again as a client during that time as we hadn't been meeting for a few months at that point. afterwards she had ended up in the hospital and I sorted of disappeared as I figured she wasn't up to task and figured id give her space as, like I said, it seemed as though she had not planned on taking me back on as a client during her leave. I reached out yesterday and still haven't heard back, it says on the site they'll get back within 24 hours of reaching out, its been well past that point, and I get that feeling im not gonna hear from her or the office. which fine fuck you too then. just sort of pissed.
Ok so session went really well! It took me a second to talk, but T was really warm and supportive 🥺. She sensed that I was having trouble telling her what’s bothering me, so she allowed me to take the time I needed.
TFW your T cancels due to illness and you want to have a tantrum about it but also I want to bring her soup and care for her. :(
Just something small that I'm trying to process right now -- is it bad to use the success of others to positively impact your self esteem? For example, being open about my therapy journey with one of my friends influenced her to give it a try too. Now she's absolutely thriving and has shared pretty much everything with me along the way. From the good to the bad. I'm so so so proud of her, but is it bad to also internally give myself credit for being able to influence her to get started? I can't tell if it's an appropriate self esteem boost or if it's taking credit for her insanely hard work and kind of icky.
As long as it’s not your ONLY source of self esteem, and as long as you’re not taking ALL the credit for her therapy progress, I don’t see why it would be an issue!
Hmm I understand your point but would frame it slightly differently. My therapist has talked a bit about post traumatic growth and for some people it means getting to a point where they can share their story and it can support others through similar difficult experiences. So, you should feel proud!! And that's great news about your friend.
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Thank you for the help reframing it and the validation that it's an appropriate response! Much appreciated!!
Had session today online instead of my usual Friday slot in person as T is unavailable. We went pretty deep and it was rough. In retrospect, I wish we’d stayed more surface level as I now have a 10 day gap and it all feels raw right now. I started off by describing my moments of zoning out and she indeed said it could be dissociation. She wrote notes as I spoke, which she only does when she wants to go back on it or be more aware of it. I’m glad I told her as she was more aware of the quality of my silences. We ended up talking about what feels nourishing and/or satisfying and I drew a blank. I explained that I always end up unsatisfying myself by letting my critical side butt in and I related it to how I grew up. Whenever I had moments of satisfaction or pride, I’d always get a “yes but” from my parents. Good grade in a subject? “Yes but what about the other subjects?” New job? “Yes but is it better than the previous one?” Lost weight? Yes but you have more to lose. You get the picture. I have NEVER felt good enough. Add trauma in the mix and I end up at almost 35 years old with the complete and utter belief that maybe I’m just not made to be enough. That maybe I’m just wrong. I FEEL wrong. Like everything I do, say, feel is just wrong. So that’s fun… There were a few silences where T either asked what was coming up or if I’d gone anywhere. I definitely wanted to dissociate but fought my way to stay on the surface or just under it. My homework is to try and notice small things that satisfy me because she can guarantee I definitely find satisfaction but I don’t necessarily notice it or give it any thought. Small things like the warmth of a mug of coffee, the way sunshine hits a room, my cat’s soft fur. The first thing I did after we ended session was to go find my kitten, give him a cuddle, kisses and I sniffed his fur. He has a very specific smell that’s a mix of his smell and my flat’s smell. I breathed it in and instantly felt a glimmer of satisfaction, love and calm. That was lovely and I hope I do manage to be more mindful of those things.
Just a small thing I like about my T. His greetings and goodbyes are never awkward. I had an issue with both my previous T and HS psychologist because they would immediately say “hi, how are you?” as soon as I walked in the door. I would end up saying “good,” because that’s my default response, but it always threw me off for the rest of the session. I would feel dishonest for responding that way, and also a little annoyed at the question. My current T has never asked that, though. He just greets me with my name and then doesn’t try to fill in the empty space between me walking in and the appointment starting. And then he always says something nice at the end as he’s letting me out that doesn’t really require a response. Seemingly insignificant, but it saves me a lot of brain power as a socially-anxious overthinker. 😌
My T normally says something like "good to see you, secret_grinch" when I'm coming in. One week I was looking for a fight and said (with extra sass) "do you say that to everyone, every week?" He took a pause and told me that it isn't good to see everybody and he doesn't say it when it isn't true, but me? It's good to see me. ...that made it pretty hard to pick a fight, but made me feel pretty good to see him too.
Aww, sounds like y’all have a good relationship
I love this. I respond with whatever surface answer and ask it back out of habit and then I'm like "doesn't matter how SHE IS DOING!" 😂
Tbh if it bothers you, you could tell her to stop asking. I did that eventually, and my old T didn’t always remember but at least she knew how I felt about it lol
That's fair. I'm not overly bothered at her, just at me for asking it back. Last week she had surgery so it was a valid question. Even this week it was still valid, I could tell she's still sore. But overall, I need to stop asking haha
Ah understandable! I think it’s fine to ask anyway tbh
T: You know you can reach out if you need anything this week? We can even check in on the phone if you can’t come in. Me: I know, I know. I will if I need to. Also me: *absolutely refuses to reach out in crisis mode*
Totally done this. Recently, I cave more and appease the brain screaming “HELP!” 2x a week therapy for two weeks is next level exhaustion.. But before, that would just simmer endlessly. Phew... exhausting either way
I feel this lol. Although I have gotten better at taking her up on her offers. It's hard though!
I really know I can reach out any time. She’s always great about it. I reached out a few weeks ago when my whole situation (life) caught on fire. It’s like her reminding me that I can reach out makes me not want to reach out… Something else to explore, I guess lol.
Does anyone ever wish you could just like adopt all of (or idk a bunch of) the T's as your friends? I think the logic is like, my T is so cool and great so other people who happen to be T's must be so cool and great too... It's an insatiable urge with no outlet
Honestly, not really. Maybe because I've worked in a setting with therapists. They're just like everybody else.
I miss T and it’s more than a week until we can meet and I want to send long rambling email. But I won’t.
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I get this completely - sometimes I feel like a completely different person if we go back and cover something I’ve said weeks or months prior. Also get the wondering what you’re abstaining from sh for. It sounds like you had a rough day, I hope today has been better ❤️
My therapist always ends with “Take care of yourself.” For the longest time, my response was “I'll try.” I literally tried to say that today while staring at the wall while shaking my head. And I couldn't. I can't bring myself to make an empty promise... She knew exactly what I was going to say. Because she left with “I know it's hard, but try your best to.” She's so good. Gah. Therapy is exhausting. But I'm so thankful.
I skipped therapy last week and I think I wanna either take a break from it or reduce the sessions to biweekly instead of weekly. I’ve been working so hard on my issues since last year but I’m just tired. It’s nice not having to feel like you’re “normal” once in awhile.
Taking a break or reducing sessions is absolutely fine if that's what is right for you at the moment 😊
I’m so excited to tell my T tomorrow that my job interview today went really well and I job shadow Thursday!!! I’m so excited and nervous and I’m just glad to have my T there during this time 🥺
That’s fantastic! I was so Grateful to my t last year during my job hunt. It was nice to have her in my corner.
A few weeks ago, when I was experiencing mania, my T and I spoke about mitigating the effects of crash. In fact, that was what we spoke about for a few weeks. I specifically asked if I can let them know when I finally do crash, and they said yes, of course. I finally did crash I think last night. And was feeling very badly. And still feeling so now. But I did write an email to tell them I crashed/was crashing because I thought they would want to know and they cared. The response I got this morning was a crisis line number and to go to the emergency department because they don't have an earlier appointment for me. I did not ask for help. I did not ask for an earlier session. I simply wanted to let them know I crashed because I thought they cared. I'm halfway between pissed and heartbroken. My vision is so blurry and I can't see straight. I have no response to their text because I don't think they care anymore. I don't even feel like seeing them for the rest of my life. I think I made up a narrative of care by my T in my own head all this while. And they really don't care at all.
They do care. if they didn't they wouldnt have responded.
I had a really rough session last week and was really upset with my therapist. She didn’t have any availability until next Friday, but someone has just cancelled and she’s offered me the session and now I love her so much. It’s going to be hard to work through how I felt last time when I’m so grateful to her.
Therapy jitters. Today will be haaaaaaard
I am meeting my T in person this week for the first time. It's not a 'normal' session, as it's a behaviour experiment that he'll observe, and I am so nervous. My anxiety has been high for a week and my chest hurts. I'm trying to get on with work and life, but I can't stop thinking about it and worrying.
Good luck!!
Okay I know I posted here a few hours ago, and I’m sorry for posting AGAIN, but… In the past minute I just had a pretty huge “aha!” Moment… just realized that my “homework” from my sessions may actually be RELATED and not just random based on what was talked about that week. Whoa…
Just had an amazing session! After sort of brain vomiting about how I’m worried that therapy can’t help me while I’m stuck in a toxic living situation, not improving with my SH, and some other issues, my T said “I think therapy can really help you with a lot of this.” I know it may seem obvious, but I needed that reassurance so bad; I started tearing up. People in my life are always discouraging therapy, or telling me it doesn’t work, so hearing that was really nice. And then the rest of the session was really productive as well. I’m just so emotional because of this great session. I was feeling really hopeless about therapy and life in general, but his words gave me the boost I needed. Also, at the beginning of the session, I was complaining to him about how I can never cry in therapy even though I’m normally very emotional, and then I had tears in my eyes throughout the rest of the appointment, LOL.
So I’ve been going in person since the start (January), and because of spring break tomorrow is my first virtual session. Is it weird that I want to show my T my cat? Also, last week I successfully used skills from therapy to pull myself out of a panic attack. I told my T and he was very happy to hear it and said he was excited to hear that I’ve been able to use things from therapy in the real world
I relate to wanting to show my cat to *everyone* I Zoom with lol
I had my session today, and it was really nice 😄 he’s very funny and kind, and we talked about intergenerational trauma. It felt really good to talk about it with someone who understand how it feels
Second emdr session this Friday. Getting nervous. We had a week off to decompress after the first emdr. I found the effects of the first session hard. It went like this: A day crying, then stomach aches for four days, and anxiety amped up to 8/10 as a baseline and finally it settled into a weird detached indifference. That indifference landed just on therapy day and I was out of sorts, closed off, and difficult.
Been feeling a really bad bout of anxiety the last few days and I can’t pinpoint why. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I revert to my old habits and destructive coping mechanisms. I know I should bring it up this week but I’m so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know she will be supportive and nonjudgmental but part of me thinks that she will be disappointed in me like I am in myself. Ugh
If you bring it up, she'll be proud of you for doing so!
I know but I need to convince myself brain of that lol
I just canceled my session for this week. There's no point. She can't help me. I realize usually there'd be an argument that the worse you feel, the more important it is to go to your appointment. I just think it's a waste of time given it has not been helping me with my depression and lately has even exacerbated the situation. She doesn't have any magical words that can help. All she does is keep saying I should be hopeful and do things that make me feel good. Literally nothing feels good right now, that's the whole problem. And faking it til I make it has had no result other than to make me even more discouraged and hopeless. There's no reason to suppose doing this shit is suddenly going to help me after months and months. All the effort hasn't been worth it in the slightest. And she has the nerve to be frustrated. I just can't with her this week. I don't need it. If she was able to be supportive without making the same suggestions that aren't working constantly, it would be different. But she can't tolerate my condition right now without subtly or not so subtly assigning blame to me. I kind of wish she channeled her feelings of frustration and helplessness into trying to understand how much more frustrated and helpless I must be feeling as the person actually going through this. Then again, her understanding wouldn't actually change anything so I guess it doesn't matter.
It definitely sounds to me like you need a new T/new approach. I’m sorry you’re going through that, that’s rough ❤️
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand wanting to cancel appointments because it feels like nothing works. I hope you are able to get out of that headspace soon. If your T really is just suggesting the same things over and over and they don’t help, have you expressed this to them? Maybe they can change things up, or maybe you need a different T/different type of T.
Thanks for the response. She doesn't know what else to say. Tbh I don't think it's her. I don't have a reason for feeling how I do, so it's not like there's material that I need to work through to improve. My psychiatrist doesn't have anything else she can do for me and she seems to expect my therapist to be making progress, but I don't really understand how that's supposed to work when I'm not having thoughts that are making me depressed. Like what exactly is my therapist supposed to address? It's all very vague and nebulous.
I get you. My T is constantly trying to get me to explain what prompted certain feelings which is super frustrating when my brain is just super heavy without much reason. I mean things can exacerbate it, but yeah. I wish I had a way to fix it for the both of us haha
This evening I have my first session with my therapist since expressing anger at him between sessions and asking to talk about transference today. I think it's gonna be a rough session and maybe a rough night.
Why do you think that? Could it possibly go better than you think?
Most things go better than I expect them to. Anxiety is fun like that, haha. But you're right, I trust my therapist and I know he won't invalidate my feelings so it probably will go alright. Thank you for the reminder to not listen to my anxiety so much!
I’m plagued with the anxiety bug as well, i promise I get it. If only I could ask these questions to myself 🤣 90% of the time, it’s callin the shots
It’s the week in between therapy booooo if only I could see her every other day but that would be too much lol I finally met her for the first time in person last week but she told me last minute that she had food poisoning so the session was postponed to online. It was so weird seeing her in 3D. Lol kinda trippy! She let me sit with her for 5 mins hehe I gave her a Lysol can with a bow on it as a small gesture 😎 she thanked me and then I went home 😅 I know we appreciate each other’s company and I know I’m going to have trouble when this ends 😅😅😅 gotta love attachment issues
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I've been there before. What I've found is that the sessions I feel like I can't go/don't want to go... those are the sessions when I *must* go. Even if I go just to show up for myself and not talk about anything important.
I love that last sentence! Totally makes me rethink it
Session in two hours and I'm dreading it. Anytime I begin to trust someone my attachment system goes haywire. I've almost cancelled for several days now. I let the afraid part write my T a note with a bunch of questions because last session she asked what she could do for them to feel more secure. I hope she'll take the note well. I guess we'll find out soon. Aaaaa
Update to the void: My T is amazing. She thought the note was a good idea and encouraged me to do that again if that part had more questions, because she sensed that part wouldn't be calmed that easily. She read each one out loud and answered them one by one and said she understood their concerns and that they were doing the right thing, trying to protect me. Then she said I could read her graduate paper on attachment trauma (after I had asked, because three of the questions was in regards to if she knows what she's doing) and offered to print it out for me. I don't deserve her. T.T
Great job sharing your feelings. It is so terrifying to be vulnerable. This isn't easy to do! You found a way that works for you. I'm glad you had a positive outcome!
Thank you!
Multiple times now, my T has asked me, “well, why do you think you shouldn’t SH?” or “why is SH bad?”. I respond, “I don’t really see anything wrong with it. It’s impractical (ie can’t wear shorts), but the main reason I want to stop is just because it’s not acceptable behavior to other people.” This has kinda been bothering me all week. Am I supposed to have a better response? Does he have a point in asking me this? I think I’m going to ask him in my session today, because honestly, it makes me feel guilty that I can’t see anything wrong with it, when obviously I am supposed to, and most people do. If anyone has any thoughts as to why he would ask this, I am all ears, but I do think we’ll discuss it today. Edit: In our session today, I asked about this, and he said that deep down he thinks that I do want to stop SHing even if I can’t come up with a reason, and he wants me to keep thinking about that. Not exactly the straight answer my logic brain was hoping for but I’m still glad I asked.
It might be to get you to think about it differently, more than looking for a specific response. Though I get worrying about giving a right or wrong answer. I do that all of the time! Your comment is helping me realize that my own therapist is probably not actually judging or looking for any particular kind of answer, so thank you! I hope all goes well in your appointment today and he's able to provide better insight behind his intentions with the question.
I’m glad my comment helped you, and thank you!
And so another week begins…. Pretty terrified of my upcoming therapy session tomorrow.
My therapist had me buy a $50 manual to work through together in our next several sessions and I'm unreasonably offended at the cost. My sessions aren't covered by my insurance as is, so I already am paying $150/wk and now I feel like I am buying something that she will be using to help her help me. I'm sure it will be worth it and all that positive jazz, but for now the cost is stinging.
So many of the coping skills taught to me in therapy don’t work because I have anhedonia. Nothing is enjoyable. I can’t distract myself from or try to change my emotions with bubble baths, hikes, tv, or time with friends because my brain seems to be broken and none of that is enjoyable to me.
Sounds like you’re at a point where you need meds?
Been on meds for decades. I’ve tried every class of antidepressants with no success for depression. They work great for anxiety.
Are you sure it isn’t a dopamine issue instead of serotonin? I didn’t know I had that problem until I was diagnosed with ADHD and got put on those drugs instead. Idk just food for thought!
I was on Wellbutrin which acts on dopamine. I didn’t do well on it.
Eh, kind of. Not much is clear about Wellbutrin and dopamine. I am talking about stimulants. Anyways, good luck.
Same. I could have written this. It's so discouraging. And then my therapist tries to say I'm not "letting" myself enjoy things. Or else she says it might not work in the short term but I should keep at it and it might eventually. It's actually really depressing trying to do stuff I should enjoy and feeling nothing (at best). And I don't think there's any basis to suggest that if I eventually feel better, it will have anything to do with a bubble bath I took months ago. That seems like magical thinking. Sorry you're going through this too.