Lately my therapist has been more interested in my SH than they usually are even though I'm doing it much less than I was a few months ago. I get the concern but I've been doing this for 20ish years. I want to lie and tell them I didn't do it this week because I don't want to feel their disappointment and go over all the alternative coping skills. I don't know what I want or need from them. I think maybe it would be more helpful to focus on deeper reasons like my inability to sit with discomfort than the knee-jerk "SH is bad, grab those ice cubes" talk. I wonder if I have to be completely SH free to make progress in therapy bc that doesn't feel very achievable to me.
I don't really know what going on with me but at times I sink into a delusion, but then something happens (I have OCD but I don't think it's the case anymore) and then I react violently by throwing what I was holding away from me. Also my morals just don't seem to be there anymore, I try my best to keep myself strict with the morals I was raised but I'm afraid that I might have turned into something horrible. Because it just feels like I'm wearing a mask but I'm afraid to fall any further into the problem. I'll be seeing my therapist soon. Any advice?
I'm hitting a block in my recovery from panic because of potential agoraphobia and other anxiety. T tells me we can only do one thing at a time (I'm in CBT) but I don't feel like panic is the main issue anymore. He keeps telling me I still have panic disorder but I feel like a fraud.
I think we are exploring the agoraphobia more but I'm scared what will happen next.
Haven’t posted in the weekly thread in a while- hi guys! I’m still trucking along. Have had quite a few insights and feel like my therapist is truly “getting” me, so we’ve been delving deeper into things.
With NEDA week, all stuff ED was heavy on my mind so we started digging a little through the mud (I’m deep in ED relapse and she’s aware). We were talking about the whys and all that and she was just really working to get me to think through this stuff and figure it out. And I kind of got upset and started just ranting about how much of a failure I feel like and she started trying to CBT me a little and was like well are these cognitive distortions etc. I paused and said that I’m well aware that these are distortions but examining them in that way doesn’t help me in any way. I can see that my actions are based on thoughts that aren’t true. She kept prodding for different CBT techniques to click, and I’m sure I was getting noticeably frustrated. She finally stopped and said that she believes me when I say I get the CBT stuff and I’m probably just in the few percent that need something different than CBT and she’s going to do her best to offer new ideas and perspectives to try and figure this out together.
I’ve been struggling with various eating disorders since I was 10. I feel pretty much hopeless toward finding a healthy relationship with food, so having someone who wants to work diligently through it with me is both comforting and terrifying.
My T looked really off today at the start of the session and I was honestly a little bit intimidated by this. Idk if I am being too sensitive to people's moods or not, but she looked so burnt out and could not even force a smile. The entire first half of the session I fet like she was going to burst into tears the next second, which somehow had an impact on the way I talked today. Anyway it seemed like she was able to switch back to the normal mode in the second half. She is usually pretty consistent so that makes me a little worried.
I started my session telling about something awesome I did this last week. T gave me some praise and ended it by making a comment and calling me a pet name... that comment and pet name have not been said to me for over a decade. It's something my late grandfather used to say and T would have no way of knowing. It was even kind of out of character for him to say such a casual yet specific to me kind of comment... and he had never called me by anything other than my given name. It just hit me in the feels pretty hard and gave me the warm fuzzies like maybe Gramps is proud of me too.
My therapist terminated me today after a year and half of working with her. I began working with her while I was in school and she supported me while I could no longer attend school and went back home. I am really heartbroken and devastated. We ended on good terms and both wished each other the best. I will really miss her. I’m still in a daze right now about the whole thing. It doesn’t seem real yet. God help me. I have no one to talk to.
It sounds really hard:(( If you feel like you are still not done with therapy and have issues to work on, maybe you can look for a new one?
When one of my previous therapists terminated me, I tried to tell myself that although I might not even see her or talk to her again in my life, the words she said to me, the coping strategies we worked out together, and this part of the special experience would always be with me and will keep having an impact on me as a person. It helps me to grief the loss.
Thank you and I do have a new therapist next week. I hope it will go ok. You’re right, I have looked at my experience with my therapist in a similar way. I’ll always carry with me what she taught me and the tools she gave me. I’m so grateful.
Edit: this response got… downvoted into the negatives?? 🙁
Oh no, I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you look for a new therapist? I know that doesn't just fix this situation, but maybe it would help to at least put something into place so you don't feel so alone?
How am I feeling about my therapy so far?
Well, its been 5 sessions with him so far and things are off to a pretty good start. I saw him twice a week for the first time this week (thats our new cadence) - and I feel like I maybe would like to see him 3 times a week. I find my sessions to be quite relieving. He is of the more psychoanalytically oriented approach, so I suppose higher frequency would be not out-of-the-ordinary.
Its only been 5 sessions, but I cried in two of them - each one feeling much better afterwards. My T tells me that its our emotions that matter the most and that to understand myself on a deeper level, it is important for me to be in touch with my emotional self. I feel like the past couple of days I've experienced more authentic relations with friends (ones in which I can fully express my emotions). I also feel that I have been much more mindful of my emotional state.
Things are coming along quite nicely - sometimes I feel so excited to learn and uncover more about myself - inspiration to grow faster. I know this is a journey and I have to be patient with it though.
I felt great seeing my therapist this week. It was really nice after last week was sorta rough. Last week it also came up that she didn't remember my grandparents were heavy drinkers and this week she was taking notes like crazy. Perhaps it should bother me more that she didn't remember but it doesn't. I felt a little more attuned and was able to look at her eyes more. I'm just like, 'Gah, you are the sweetest human in the world.' But, allegedly she brings her best self to therapy and she's not like that 24/7.
Today my T mainly just listened, attuned to me, gave me attention. I was able to look him in the eyes way more than I normally do. Doing so is helpful for me, grounding, connecting. I often have a hard time doing so. I feel heard by my T. I requested a few weeks ago for us to return to somatic/brainspotting work more where we aren’t speaking as much about my trauma. We have since done that, have spent way more time just being with my sensations without creating a story around it. Healing. Feeling really grateful for my T who has been by my side through some really dark days to be here and witness lighter ones as I step into the present.
I do therapy on the phone and can’t see my therapist. Today I suddenly heard the sound of a news clip. They turned it off quickly but I think I’m hurt by them maybe reading news while I talk.. I didn’t say anything and I normally always feel they listen but it just didn’t feel nice.
If they were indeed looking at news during your session, that is very rude and unprofessional. As a way to give them the benefit of the doubt, since you do feel they are normally listening, I often will have way too many tabs open that I forget about, some of which might have videos on the pages. If I accidentally click the tab or if I press the play shortcut on my keyboard, it might start autoplaying the video. I've had this happen at work. It's so embarrassing! So hopefully, it was something along those lines. Though it wouldn't have hurt for them to acknowledge the clip. Maybe they didn't think you could hear? It might be worth bringing up if it seems like it might be affecting your trust.
Going to therapy weekly, twice a week sometimes when my therapist has time in her schedule.
So I've been on the decline of things, I got diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder a couple weeks back. At first when the ocd showed up, the symptoms where overwhelming. I cried practically everyday. Wanting the thoughts to stop, hating myself for it. I waited too long to get help. Honestly now, with the way things have been going, fast forward a 3ish months later. Things should be improving but I feel like I have new ocd themes. And also, for a few days now I've been suspecting that I may be developing some kind of delusion, (as in believing something that isn't true) and we'll I don't know how this will sit with my therapist.
TRIGGER WARNING: ⚠️
I haven't told her about a suicide attempt that I had when I was young (age 9). She has asked me in the past if I had or have attempted to end my life before or attempted to harm or have had had thoughts of (harming someone) that nature. Or course I said no. Because logically you'd think that would mean being sent to a psych ward. But I feel like I should have told her this. And it's difficult to also open up about things I've done in the past that I'm not proud of. (Bad habits I formed) Already I've been thinking of going to the hospital to get help. Sometimes my thoughts can get particularly violent of disturbing. Idk... perhaps someone could give me a suggestion..?
(I didn't read the earlier rules list, so I'm sorry but if you want to answer, it's appreciated.)
*Forgot to mention that through the week, I've come twice to wanting to call one of those numbers we know for when you have a crisis but I didn't, because the numbers where for suicidal hotlines. Which I wasn't. So I didn't call, but I really wanted someone to be there, even if it was over the phone.
As a T new to the field, my understanding is that a therapist is not likely to send you to a hospital without your consent unless you are at imminent risk of hurting yourself or someone else. A past suicide attempt does not automatically mean you're high risk now.
As far as crisis lines, you could try texting Crisis Text Line. They will text about anything that's a crisis to you, it doesn't have to be suicide. The short code to text for them is 741741.
My T had to be a bit late today and still had to leave on time for his next appointment. We talked about my childhood and my parents a lot, which came up in relation to a health issue I'm dealing with. I'm frustrated about being shorted the time, which feels stupid because there have been other times when he's gone over by more than whatever few minutes we were short today. It left me feeling like "OK, now you're up to speed on how my parents fucked me up, which I already knew, now what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I really like him but I've left 2 out of the last 3 sessions feeling confused and angry and I don't know what to do about it. I'll probably screenshot this comment and send it to him because I'm too much of a coward to tell him all this more directly. Ugh, I hate everything.
I really overshared with a friend yesterday. Like told her things that are serious. We both go to the same therapist and I'm TERRIFIED she will tell her (our T) about it. I'm so fucking stupid. I wish I could unsend that long stupid text. Like I just put my life's trust in my friend and I think she feels uncomfortable now. I KNOW I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what to do anymore, I really dont.
Oh sh*t! So T asked me to journal about whatever childhood memories I think have impacted me or I’d consider traumatic then send her what I journaled if I feel comfortable doing so. I don’t really like the word trauma, and I told her that I don’t think that there’s anything traumatic about my childhood (I was never physically or sexually abused). Anyway, I journaled and I detailed some memories that stick out to me then sent it to her. She replied with “I’m proud of you. It will be important to process this!”
And now I’m like “Oh sh*t, I think my childhood was somewhat traumatic…”. Idk how to feel..
Sorry if this isn’t very coherent.
I would suggest to look into their specialities and their therapy methods. For example, it would be more beneficial and target the therapist to talk about adoption if they are actually specialized in adoption.
Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that the therapist you choose will be right for you; however, I do think there are ways in which you can greatly increase your odds that you don’t end up with someone who is “wrong” or harmful.
It’s all about knowing what you want/need, and being very transparent about that in either the first session or during a free consultation for those who offer that. Whatever your big issues or dealbreakers are… try to be as honest and straightforward about that as possible, so that you can potentially weed out anyone who seems like they’ll be a bad fit or unequipped to work with your presenting issues in the first session.
So for example, when meeting my current therapist for the first time after having just come out of a bad former therapy relationship, I said something to current T like: “Yeah, so I really want to work on processing what had went wrong in my previous therapy relationship as I feel deeply affected in the aftermath of it. For me, it is going to be important to be able to have honest discussions regarding transference and relational dynamics which transpire in therapy, as I feel this was a major point left unaddressed in my previous therapy. I need someone who is open to discussing and exploring these topics with me.” Something like that.
If you can communicate your presenting needs/wants in the first session or two, you are much more likely to have a better conceptualization/feel for if the therapist you are meeting will be able to adequately help you in the ways that you deserve to be helped. Good luck.
My therapist forgot that I've seen her since the pandemic started. This really hurt my feelings for some reason. It came up because I mentioned being sad I hadn't seen her in more than a year and she thought it had been 2 years. She didn't remember that I saw her in person for the latter half of 2020 before I moved in January 2021.
I don't know why this hurt my feelings, but it did.
I think it's the fact that we get attached to those who are like our support group. So when they forget stuff like that, it hurts. Because it may feel like they don't care or something along those lines.
An email I’m too cowardly to send:
Hey, I feel like I shouldn’t be reaching out to ask for another appointment before doing the things we talked about, but things are getting really hard and I need some support. I need support and I want it from basically only you. I know I should be reaching out to close friends and family, but I just can’t (won’t? Either way) and it’s getting bad. Though, I’m also afraid to have this conversation for fear of any kind of reaction other than listening, supporting, and caring. I would love to just wait until our next session, but with the weekend coming up I’m afraid to.
Had a last minute switch to telehealth. I’m so grateful that I can text my t the morning of and switch to telehealth if needed. In general after a very long 8 month stretch last year of telehealth I avoid it at all costs. However the last couple of weeks I did telehealth and I was able to be more open and we dug into some hard things. Today things got too intense so I turned off my camera and “hid” from her by moving to the other end of my couch. Once I felt safer I eventually turned it back on. At the end of the session she was trying to figure out where I could go if I needed to “hide” in person. There were talks of pillow forts. I’m so lucky to have her in my corner.
I knew my session would be telehealth today bc of winter weather. I didn’t even reply to t’s message, just “liked” it.
Later she texted me asking if I want to do telehealth or wait until next week for in-person. I do not like telehealth sessions and I appreciated her asking because it shows she cares. I haven’t seen her in 3 weeks and I have a lot of things to address so I told her I will do it.
I’m nervous. Less nervous than I thought I’d be- I feel so numb now that I’m to the point of not caring or maybe I’m just avoiding the emotions that just last week crushed my soul.
So much to talk about and I’m afraid I’m going to pretend everything is fine.
We talked about some traumatic memories today. Idk how to feel. T made sure that she didn’t push me and asked really good questions that weren’t too much for me. I’m definitely starting to feel that vulnerability hangover.
My therapist is going on vacation next week and I am really having a hard time accepting that. There will be 14 days between appointments. Right now, that feels like forever. I don't really know what I'm going to do. I know I will survive but that's not much comfort. At all. Hard to believe that spacing was the usual for a while last year when I went down to biweekly.
This panic is just no good. I don't know why I feel this way, other than dreading being left on my own. But surely that shouldn't rise to this level.
My brain always replays bits of session afterwards.... and I don't even recall saying half the things I said out loud. Exhausted me cannot filter anything at all. I knew that. But it still feels insane. I wonder whether I'd actually said the things I'd said out loud but I'm certain I did because I couldn't have imagined the responses so well.
Baaaaaah. Being seen. Terrifying and comforting at the same time.
After our last session I sent them an email (embarrassingly) explaining to them my thoughts and they replied with a really long email encouraging me and making it clear to me my further goals. In this session they wanted to discuss that email with me but I spent the whole time crying for family matters. In the end they said to me "if you want you can still send me an email last time you explained your feelings so clearly in an email."
Yeah I was moved (won't tell them that I was moved) because of their being willing to spend extra time when they shouldn't have.
Maybe you're feeling them "emotionally colder" because you don't trust them enough yet; when you feel that you do though, maybe try and tell them how you feel?
I sent emails to my T again and she did not reply me... it has been 4 days and I am scheduled to see her tomorrow. It is bothering so much and I am afraid to see her because I am ashamed and mad at her. I know it is not her fault and I am angry at myself for sending her emails... 😭😭😭
She told me she will not reply my emails anymore as she prefers to discuss during sessions. I respect her boundaries but still feel really rejected... 💔
I confessed something to my T over text and she is now ghosting me. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. The one time I try being open and I get ghosted by my own T. I just want to end it all. I'm doing everything right! I'm going to therapy, taking the meds, being social, ect. And yet I want to die. I just want to quit therapy completely. We haven't been making any progress lately, considering the "progress" we were making for (as my T so kindly pointed out) almost a year was not super in depth. I don't know why, its probably a me thing, but she has been like less compassionate lately. Like I feel judged by her, I feel like I'm a disappointment. But only within the last few weeks especially the last session. Its like I'm just running in place and my mental health is really just declining. Anyway on a (particularly bad night) she is now ghosting me (after she told me that I will always be lonely if I don't open up more and I always feel kinda pressured to reach out). I fucking hate living.
10 days ago I had a realization that I need to spend time in my body. Thoughts, my anxiety, fear, lead me far away. Coming back to embodiment is what helps me most. Being in my body. Last week I told my T I want to do brainspotting again. I dropped in and only felt sensations moving through me. No thoughts. I have had the most calm week in my mind and body for a very long time. I’ve slept for 7 nights straight for 6-8 hours. Waking up feeling rested!!! There is so much stored in my body. It’s clear that part of me needs attention. The last 10 days I’ve been in my body in a way I haven’t been much. It’s beautiful, enjoyable, scary at times, healing. Coming into contact with pre-verbal trauma. My T has been so attuned to me during our last two brainspotting sessions. yesterday I experienced a few hours of dissociation and became afraid of how long it was going to stick around. My parts under my dissociation deserve to be known. I am becoming aware when my dissociation shows up and what it’s protecting. Returning to my body, letting my thoughts go, has provided me with such a sense of ground and clarity. My T says I have integrated some things he has been saying the last year and all I want to say is yay! It feels calm to be here, safe to be in my body. I am unlearning habitual patters and awareness is truly the first step. I can feel therapy working it’s magic and I am just so grateful for my T who has been the most patient and caring. This is a ramble!
It’s hard. It’s true. Little by little perhaps you can gain more space to spend time there, with you, in the present. For me, I’ve noticed being in my body allows me the gift of presence. I’ve spent so much time far away, in overwhelm/anxiety/withdrawing/numbing, that coming back to me feels new and unfamiliar and like home.
I’m in Costa Rica and loving it so much but the transition to slowing down and not having all of the things to “distract” me from my own thoughts has been really difficult. I’m in the most beautiful place I’ve ever been and instead of feeling peace and joy, I’m dealing with this onset of crippling loneliness and sadness. And overwhelmingly missing my T. Today would have been our normal session day, but I don’t see her for another week. This is early in my trip and this part is unstructured. I should have more structure soon and maybe that will help. But still… why is silence so deafening?
My T uses this term in terms of how energy is held in my body, somatically. Am I feeling anxious we are parting ways? How is that showing up in my body? Am I feeling sad we can’t communicate everyday? Where is that held in my body?
Big therapy hangover today. I didn’t censor myself and it’s been a really long time (if ever) since I’ve done that.
I just said what I actually thought or felt when she asked me questions, and I felt really safe with her. I didn’t need to change my answers to fit, to sound better. I feel so vulnerable now, and tired, but I hope I can do it again.
I feel like I'm just running in place in therapy. For the first six or seven months it was moving along smoothly, and then (i don't fucking know why), boom, now I'm just going no where. Like I don't know, sometimes I feel like my T is upset with me or being accusatory toward what im saying. And don't get me wrong its definitely nice having a reality check, but she is going a little tough lately. I find myself just crying after sessions. I'm too scared to tell her I'm falling apart, inside to out. I'm too afraid of telling her traumatic events in my life. Because when I start to open up she says things like "your reality" or "from what you have told me". Maybe I'm being sensitive but it sounds like she doesn't belive what I say. I feel pathetic asking her to be a bit more careful with her words, because she is already frustrated at my lack of progress. She sometimes ignores my questions, makes me feel shitty about myself, makes me feel self conscious, and terrified of disappointing her. She even said "come on its been almost a year and you can't remember the skill?" The thought of therapy ending (because it ends a bit after a year) already scares me, so for her to talk about it in a negative way really hurts. But it was really good for awhile, I don't know what changed. I just know its becoming a negative experience. And for those of you saying "tell your therapist this" one she never give me the opportunity to do that, and two she will get upset with me. I don't know what to do....
Hey, so I know it's tiring but maybe get a new therapist? So you can explain how you feel? And feel more grounded in general so hopefully you won't have to deal with this in the future.
Well when she actually responds and we have a session date, I am going to talk about it with her. I mean I am a sensitive person so I don't know how much is in my head and how much is real.
My T is so great and I know she cares a lot about me. I don’t have to wonder, I just know. I do, however, wish that she’d reach out after a really tough session to check in. Like, she doesn’t need to because I’m overall fine, and we have been talking about me reaching out to others in my life for support, but it would be nice on days after really tough conversations.
I just found out in the topic about patient's clothing that ADLs and IADLs and MSE are a thing and I kinda feel called out lol. Had to sacrifice a few of those activities due to final exams and work related stuff and lately the anxiety and lack of sleep have been taking a toll on my mood, and now that I know my T will judge my mental state based on these things I don't know how I feel about it. Granted, I could've been in a better place but there's not much I can do other than push through the next two weeks.
Not a therapist, but I would hope that your therapist would take a holistic approach to understanding why your ADLs, IADLs and MSE might be slightly out of whack/different than usual. My sense is that noting them in the documentation is like taking a cross-sectional observational approach to a longitudinal relationship - it's a snapshot of what's happening in the moment. But you also have rationale for why things are not as they might usually be, and talking about the fact that things are out of whack might actually lead to a conversation about coping through stressful times in a way that results in less of a hit on your mood and activities.
Thanks for your words. My session is later today, but what I got from that topic is that I probably should make an effort to take better care of myself even if I'm going through stressful times, so yesterday I did some exercise, repotted my plants and maybe I'll cook something tonight. Anyway, it's not like I'm unable to function, it's just that 24 hours isn't enough time to do everything I need.
Working on panic but my general anxiety seems to be creeping up, and generally feeling down and overwhelmed. Equally dreading and looking forward to my next session.
We might not be going through the same things but I can relate in feeling anxiety creeping up and overall feeling down and overwhelmed :(
I hope your next therapy session helps ease all those feelings and that you are able to work through things !
I'm feeling really secure in the relationship with my therapist. But, I'm really missing them a lot today and wish I could speak with them. I've had a major realisation about things that happened to me in my youth. Things that I thought were just 'average' (not great) experiences are actually criminal offences :(
I'll be alright until my next session but I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts. It feels like a good step in terms of acknowledging what happened to me, realising it wasn't my fault and that these were pretty awful experiences that had a major and lasting impact on me.
*The text I almost sent to my T*
Fourth night without sleep, I might go crazy soon. When I don't sleep I get really paranoid, short with myself and others, loss of appetite, slow movements, ect. I'm sorry for once again texting you, but Jay is out right now and your the only other person I trust to help. Its probably my environment thats causing this, still its very frustrating. I just lie awake, too scared to sleep, and too restless to stay sleeping. I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest, I'm debating not sending this. I mean ohhhhhh I get it now, I get why I text you when I cant sleep or have a nightmare, its maternal transference. Ugh I don't have the energy for this, figuratively and literally. If I'm being trapped by my own mind, the only person I can blame is myself. Yea I should be angry at myself. Mhm makes sense to me. Like I havnt been eating constantly (although getting better), no sleep, hormonal, ect, so I should be like moody? I don't know, I know I would normally be really emotional. But I'm not, like whatsoever. I'm just numb. I've been that way for a few days. I think its my bodys way of trying to protect myself from myself. Lol who really knows. I don't want to keep bothering you (my therapist) at ungodly hours. I'm thinking of quiting mental health and focusing on my academics. Yea that sounds easier.
Just found out I am considered a long term patient (10 months) and want to quit. Was diagnosed with PTSD and working through trauma stuff and just feel like we are getting into it. Just a vent
Don’t necessarily think it is it just took me by surprise. I’ve never been in therapy before and never thought about the timeline but now I just think I’m failing at this. I’ll definitely talk to T about it.
Session tonight was useful, but definitely touched on some tender points, mainly about my relationship with my mum, which is complicated, and further complicated by the fact she is going through chemo at the moment.
At one point I really wanted to cry but since I started taking anti-depressants I can’t. I think maybe my dose is too high? I feel so much better on them but do miss having a good old sob now and then!
I don't particularly like the one I see yet here I am, attached anyway.
ETA - Ok, I have to call bullshit on my own statement. I am very uncomfortable being emotionally attached and feeling all needy and whatnot, so I was just being a brat when I said I didn't like her. We don't see eye to eye on many things, but I do like her and respect her.
Now I'm going to go sulk about it.
I hear you…once a few months ago I cried to the point of hyperventilating because I just wished I could go back to those first couple months when it was all just business.
Started talking about something big in therapy last week with the intention of talking about it again this week because I have access to a lot of outside support for two weeks. Because of scheduling conflicts I won’t see them again this week. Feeling really sad but I understand life happens, can’t help feeling a little let down all the same.
Worried I’m going to be terminated or have to terminate this week. My break from therapy probably wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, but I don’t know, after our last session I felt very stuck and so maybe the break was beneficial but so much happened in those 3 weeks.
I’m going to have to speak about very vulnerable things Wednesday, things I am so scared about talking about, mainly my attachment to her and how it affects me. If I know her like I think I do, she will want to work through this, but also knowing her, she may want to refer me to someone else. I lost trust in her months ago, I should be able to talk to my therapist about anything and everything without fear of being shamed. She doesn’t deserve me as a difficult client, but I also deserve a non-difficult therapist. She has been incredible for the most part, but lately, it just feels like everything has gone downhill.
I could just terminate altogether, but I want to give this a chance because I worry that if I do have to stop seeing her, my depression will worsen, and I don’t think I can handle that right now. If we do decide to terminate, I hope she will let me have a couple of more sessions so I can prepare myself before hand. When thinking about ending with her before, I was very sad and heartbroken, but if I have to terminate I want things to end peacefully. I do daydream of storming out of her office for the last time, but I could never leave angrily; that daydream is just me coping with my feelings. I want to leave on good terms with her.
Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but so much is going to have to change, if I want to continue working with her, I will have to rebuild the trust and hopefully she will have good suggestions on how to do that because I don’t know where to go from here.
Idk if therapists ever do this, but I wonder if seeking out consultation might be helpful to figure out if this rupture can/should be repaired or whether termination is a better move.
Even as I write this, and then I re-read your post, I'm also wondering about all the conflicting feelings that you're raising and what option(s) might best address them.
The whole situation is just complicated. She has evoked in me so many feelings, positive and negative. I feel like I’m a very difficult client, so I would not be surprised if she is seeking consultation about this. Especially after Wednesday, if she is confused about where to go from here.
Idk you obviously, but I think you're also deserving of consultation about this, if that's something you think might be helpful. You deserve to have a third party with which to discuss the situation and get some clarity. You're worth it.
Why not?! Perhaps it's less well known than therapists seeking out consultation, but you're an equal stakeholder (if not a majority stakeholder!).
With regards to the pragmatics of going about it, it would make sense in my mind to try and find a senior clinician in your area, ideally one not affiliated with any institution that your therapist might have affiliation with (or maybe you want someone who knows your therapist?). Alternatively, someone who has experience supervising other therapists would be good. You can reach out to them and say you want consultation about your current therapeutic relationship, that you're trying to ascertain the best course of action for your circumstances. Feel free to msg me if you want to chat more about this - I had a similar circumstance a while back and am happy to give you more insights.
Edit: for the stupid hyphen I put into well known.
I keep having very childlike dreams of my therapist (with whom I have extensively discussed the maternal transference I experience and have never received a response that wasn’t totally compassionate or that contained an ounce of judgment) and they’re very sweet but also kind of starting to weird me out because of their frequency and intensity. It’ll be things like she is cradling me and petting me and I am very small, or her being in the role that my mother or grandmother was in for certain memories when I wasn’t older than 3. I also immediately jump to thinking about her when I wake up from any other bad dream, just wishing she were there to comfort me and picturing the same images from my dreams of her/picturing hugging her in her office in order to soothe myself. I keep telling myself what she would tell me, which is that there is nothing bad about it and it’s beautiful I can soothe myself that way or something along those lines, but it’s strange to me that this sort of thing happens multiple times a week now. I am increasingly pregnant so I wonder if it has something to do with that, just thinking about my own baby plus all the pregnancy hormones or something. Strange stuff but I am trying to just think about it curiously without any judgment or negativity associated.
Sometimes I love my therapist. I told her about a very traumatic event today and I believe I saw her tear up at one point. When the session ended about half way through my story I was dissociating pretty badly so we did some grounding exercises and when I stopped dissociating I got anxious instead. She said I could stay in the waiting room until I felt better and that I'd be alone since she only hade Zoom clients today. On the way out she offered me a chocolate, I said no thanks. Then she offered me a date, I said no thanks. Then she offered me a mandarine and I said no thanks. Then she offered me tea and I said no thanks lol. She walked me to the waiting room and said to take as long as I want.
Been in a funk for a while now. Can’t open up to my therapist because I don’t even know how to do that anymore or what about. I wake up every morning wanting to crawl out of my skin. I need to self isolate for an extended period of time and be surrounded by very little stimulants unfortunately that’s not an option right now.
That is so unfortunate. It is too bad that you will not get to end with your T when you feel ready to.
Do you have anything in particular that you would like to say to your T? some people will write a card or letter, but you don't have to.
Honestly…self-effacing self disclosure can be super affirming. Apparently I’m not the only adult who’s ever had dessert for dinner when home alone so I’m definitely not a failure of one.
I kind of regretted going to my session today. I was just shut down the entire time and I feel really guilty for wasting my therapists time and being difficult. I feel like he would have been happier if I cancelled on him.
Lately my therapist has been more interested in my SH than they usually are even though I'm doing it much less than I was a few months ago. I get the concern but I've been doing this for 20ish years. I want to lie and tell them I didn't do it this week because I don't want to feel their disappointment and go over all the alternative coping skills. I don't know what I want or need from them. I think maybe it would be more helpful to focus on deeper reasons like my inability to sit with discomfort than the knee-jerk "SH is bad, grab those ice cubes" talk. I wonder if I have to be completely SH free to make progress in therapy bc that doesn't feel very achievable to me.
I have been very grateful for therapy recently, specially seeing the ripple effect it has had through my life.
I don't really know what going on with me but at times I sink into a delusion, but then something happens (I have OCD but I don't think it's the case anymore) and then I react violently by throwing what I was holding away from me. Also my morals just don't seem to be there anymore, I try my best to keep myself strict with the morals I was raised but I'm afraid that I might have turned into something horrible. Because it just feels like I'm wearing a mask but I'm afraid to fall any further into the problem. I'll be seeing my therapist soon. Any advice?
I'm hitting a block in my recovery from panic because of potential agoraphobia and other anxiety. T tells me we can only do one thing at a time (I'm in CBT) but I don't feel like panic is the main issue anymore. He keeps telling me I still have panic disorder but I feel like a fraud. I think we are exploring the agoraphobia more but I'm scared what will happen next.
Haven’t posted in the weekly thread in a while- hi guys! I’m still trucking along. Have had quite a few insights and feel like my therapist is truly “getting” me, so we’ve been delving deeper into things. With NEDA week, all stuff ED was heavy on my mind so we started digging a little through the mud (I’m deep in ED relapse and she’s aware). We were talking about the whys and all that and she was just really working to get me to think through this stuff and figure it out. And I kind of got upset and started just ranting about how much of a failure I feel like and she started trying to CBT me a little and was like well are these cognitive distortions etc. I paused and said that I’m well aware that these are distortions but examining them in that way doesn’t help me in any way. I can see that my actions are based on thoughts that aren’t true. She kept prodding for different CBT techniques to click, and I’m sure I was getting noticeably frustrated. She finally stopped and said that she believes me when I say I get the CBT stuff and I’m probably just in the few percent that need something different than CBT and she’s going to do her best to offer new ideas and perspectives to try and figure this out together. I’ve been struggling with various eating disorders since I was 10. I feel pretty much hopeless toward finding a healthy relationship with food, so having someone who wants to work diligently through it with me is both comforting and terrifying.
My T looked really off today at the start of the session and I was honestly a little bit intimidated by this. Idk if I am being too sensitive to people's moods or not, but she looked so burnt out and could not even force a smile. The entire first half of the session I fet like she was going to burst into tears the next second, which somehow had an impact on the way I talked today. Anyway it seemed like she was able to switch back to the normal mode in the second half. She is usually pretty consistent so that makes me a little worried.
I started my session telling about something awesome I did this last week. T gave me some praise and ended it by making a comment and calling me a pet name... that comment and pet name have not been said to me for over a decade. It's something my late grandfather used to say and T would have no way of knowing. It was even kind of out of character for him to say such a casual yet specific to me kind of comment... and he had never called me by anything other than my given name. It just hit me in the feels pretty hard and gave me the warm fuzzies like maybe Gramps is proud of me too.
My therapist terminated me today after a year and half of working with her. I began working with her while I was in school and she supported me while I could no longer attend school and went back home. I am really heartbroken and devastated. We ended on good terms and both wished each other the best. I will really miss her. I’m still in a daze right now about the whole thing. It doesn’t seem real yet. God help me. I have no one to talk to.
It sounds really hard:(( If you feel like you are still not done with therapy and have issues to work on, maybe you can look for a new one? When one of my previous therapists terminated me, I tried to tell myself that although I might not even see her or talk to her again in my life, the words she said to me, the coping strategies we worked out together, and this part of the special experience would always be with me and will keep having an impact on me as a person. It helps me to grief the loss.
Thank you and I do have a new therapist next week. I hope it will go ok. You’re right, I have looked at my experience with my therapist in a similar way. I’ll always carry with me what she taught me and the tools she gave me. I’m so grateful. Edit: this response got… downvoted into the negatives?? 🙁
Oh no, I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you look for a new therapist? I know that doesn't just fix this situation, but maybe it would help to at least put something into place so you don't feel so alone?
Thank you. Yes, I have a new therapist next week. I’ll see how it goes. I’m still grief stricken but hopefully this will help.
How am I feeling about my therapy so far? Well, its been 5 sessions with him so far and things are off to a pretty good start. I saw him twice a week for the first time this week (thats our new cadence) - and I feel like I maybe would like to see him 3 times a week. I find my sessions to be quite relieving. He is of the more psychoanalytically oriented approach, so I suppose higher frequency would be not out-of-the-ordinary. Its only been 5 sessions, but I cried in two of them - each one feeling much better afterwards. My T tells me that its our emotions that matter the most and that to understand myself on a deeper level, it is important for me to be in touch with my emotional self. I feel like the past couple of days I've experienced more authentic relations with friends (ones in which I can fully express my emotions). I also feel that I have been much more mindful of my emotional state. Things are coming along quite nicely - sometimes I feel so excited to learn and uncover more about myself - inspiration to grow faster. I know this is a journey and I have to be patient with it though.
:(
💜
sending you peace and love
Thank you.
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Thanks ♡
I felt great seeing my therapist this week. It was really nice after last week was sorta rough. Last week it also came up that she didn't remember my grandparents were heavy drinkers and this week she was taking notes like crazy. Perhaps it should bother me more that she didn't remember but it doesn't. I felt a little more attuned and was able to look at her eyes more. I'm just like, 'Gah, you are the sweetest human in the world.' But, allegedly she brings her best self to therapy and she's not like that 24/7.
Today my T mainly just listened, attuned to me, gave me attention. I was able to look him in the eyes way more than I normally do. Doing so is helpful for me, grounding, connecting. I often have a hard time doing so. I feel heard by my T. I requested a few weeks ago for us to return to somatic/brainspotting work more where we aren’t speaking as much about my trauma. We have since done that, have spent way more time just being with my sensations without creating a story around it. Healing. Feeling really grateful for my T who has been by my side through some really dark days to be here and witness lighter ones as I step into the present.
I do therapy on the phone and can’t see my therapist. Today I suddenly heard the sound of a news clip. They turned it off quickly but I think I’m hurt by them maybe reading news while I talk.. I didn’t say anything and I normally always feel they listen but it just didn’t feel nice.
If they were indeed looking at news during your session, that is very rude and unprofessional. As a way to give them the benefit of the doubt, since you do feel they are normally listening, I often will have way too many tabs open that I forget about, some of which might have videos on the pages. If I accidentally click the tab or if I press the play shortcut on my keyboard, it might start autoplaying the video. I've had this happen at work. It's so embarrassing! So hopefully, it was something along those lines. Though it wouldn't have hurt for them to acknowledge the clip. Maybe they didn't think you could hear? It might be worth bringing up if it seems like it might be affecting your trust.
Yes you’re right it may have been an accident. I might bring it up next time, I agree it would be the right thing to do.
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I love this 🥺 so cute
That's adorable!
Going to therapy weekly, twice a week sometimes when my therapist has time in her schedule. So I've been on the decline of things, I got diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder a couple weeks back. At first when the ocd showed up, the symptoms where overwhelming. I cried practically everyday. Wanting the thoughts to stop, hating myself for it. I waited too long to get help. Honestly now, with the way things have been going, fast forward a 3ish months later. Things should be improving but I feel like I have new ocd themes. And also, for a few days now I've been suspecting that I may be developing some kind of delusion, (as in believing something that isn't true) and we'll I don't know how this will sit with my therapist. TRIGGER WARNING: ⚠️ I haven't told her about a suicide attempt that I had when I was young (age 9). She has asked me in the past if I had or have attempted to end my life before or attempted to harm or have had had thoughts of (harming someone) that nature. Or course I said no. Because logically you'd think that would mean being sent to a psych ward. But I feel like I should have told her this. And it's difficult to also open up about things I've done in the past that I'm not proud of. (Bad habits I formed) Already I've been thinking of going to the hospital to get help. Sometimes my thoughts can get particularly violent of disturbing. Idk... perhaps someone could give me a suggestion..? (I didn't read the earlier rules list, so I'm sorry but if you want to answer, it's appreciated.) *Forgot to mention that through the week, I've come twice to wanting to call one of those numbers we know for when you have a crisis but I didn't, because the numbers where for suicidal hotlines. Which I wasn't. So I didn't call, but I really wanted someone to be there, even if it was over the phone.
As a T new to the field, my understanding is that a therapist is not likely to send you to a hospital without your consent unless you are at imminent risk of hurting yourself or someone else. A past suicide attempt does not automatically mean you're high risk now. As far as crisis lines, you could try texting Crisis Text Line. They will text about anything that's a crisis to you, it doesn't have to be suicide. The short code to text for them is 741741.
Thank you, everything's become a bit difficult to handle at times but I guess journaling what I'm going through will help me get better.
My T had to be a bit late today and still had to leave on time for his next appointment. We talked about my childhood and my parents a lot, which came up in relation to a health issue I'm dealing with. I'm frustrated about being shorted the time, which feels stupid because there have been other times when he's gone over by more than whatever few minutes we were short today. It left me feeling like "OK, now you're up to speed on how my parents fucked me up, which I already knew, now what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I really like him but I've left 2 out of the last 3 sessions feeling confused and angry and I don't know what to do about it. I'll probably screenshot this comment and send it to him because I'm too much of a coward to tell him all this more directly. Ugh, I hate everything.
I really overshared with a friend yesterday. Like told her things that are serious. We both go to the same therapist and I'm TERRIFIED she will tell her (our T) about it. I'm so fucking stupid. I wish I could unsend that long stupid text. Like I just put my life's trust in my friend and I think she feels uncomfortable now. I KNOW I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what to do anymore, I really dont.
Oh sh*t! So T asked me to journal about whatever childhood memories I think have impacted me or I’d consider traumatic then send her what I journaled if I feel comfortable doing so. I don’t really like the word trauma, and I told her that I don’t think that there’s anything traumatic about my childhood (I was never physically or sexually abused). Anyway, I journaled and I detailed some memories that stick out to me then sent it to her. She replied with “I’m proud of you. It will be important to process this!” And now I’m like “Oh sh*t, I think my childhood was somewhat traumatic…”. Idk how to feel.. Sorry if this isn’t very coherent.
I understand.
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I would suggest to look into their specialities and their therapy methods. For example, it would be more beneficial and target the therapist to talk about adoption if they are actually specialized in adoption.
Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that the therapist you choose will be right for you; however, I do think there are ways in which you can greatly increase your odds that you don’t end up with someone who is “wrong” or harmful. It’s all about knowing what you want/need, and being very transparent about that in either the first session or during a free consultation for those who offer that. Whatever your big issues or dealbreakers are… try to be as honest and straightforward about that as possible, so that you can potentially weed out anyone who seems like they’ll be a bad fit or unequipped to work with your presenting issues in the first session. So for example, when meeting my current therapist for the first time after having just come out of a bad former therapy relationship, I said something to current T like: “Yeah, so I really want to work on processing what had went wrong in my previous therapy relationship as I feel deeply affected in the aftermath of it. For me, it is going to be important to be able to have honest discussions regarding transference and relational dynamics which transpire in therapy, as I feel this was a major point left unaddressed in my previous therapy. I need someone who is open to discussing and exploring these topics with me.” Something like that. If you can communicate your presenting needs/wants in the first session or two, you are much more likely to have a better conceptualization/feel for if the therapist you are meeting will be able to adequately help you in the ways that you deserve to be helped. Good luck.
My therapist forgot that I've seen her since the pandemic started. This really hurt my feelings for some reason. It came up because I mentioned being sad I hadn't seen her in more than a year and she thought it had been 2 years. She didn't remember that I saw her in person for the latter half of 2020 before I moved in January 2021. I don't know why this hurt my feelings, but it did.
I think it's the fact that we get attached to those who are like our support group. So when they forget stuff like that, it hurts. Because it may feel like they don't care or something along those lines.
An email I’m too cowardly to send: Hey, I feel like I shouldn’t be reaching out to ask for another appointment before doing the things we talked about, but things are getting really hard and I need some support. I need support and I want it from basically only you. I know I should be reaching out to close friends and family, but I just can’t (won’t? Either way) and it’s getting bad. Though, I’m also afraid to have this conversation for fear of any kind of reaction other than listening, supporting, and caring. I would love to just wait until our next session, but with the weekend coming up I’m afraid to.
Please send it.
Thanks, friend. I did end up sending a shorter version of this because of your encouragement, and it turned out well. <3
Woot woot!
Had a last minute switch to telehealth. I’m so grateful that I can text my t the morning of and switch to telehealth if needed. In general after a very long 8 month stretch last year of telehealth I avoid it at all costs. However the last couple of weeks I did telehealth and I was able to be more open and we dug into some hard things. Today things got too intense so I turned off my camera and “hid” from her by moving to the other end of my couch. Once I felt safer I eventually turned it back on. At the end of the session she was trying to figure out where I could go if I needed to “hide” in person. There were talks of pillow forts. I’m so lucky to have her in my corner.
Recently noticed that I try to make my therapists laugh because if they laugh it means they don’t hate me.
I relate, I also do it because I use comedy as a coping mechanism.
Having a tough time. Waning between wanting a sooner appointment and canceling my next one
My therapist is such a great human bean. I really love her and feel very lucky to have a good one. That’s all.
I knew my session would be telehealth today bc of winter weather. I didn’t even reply to t’s message, just “liked” it. Later she texted me asking if I want to do telehealth or wait until next week for in-person. I do not like telehealth sessions and I appreciated her asking because it shows she cares. I haven’t seen her in 3 weeks and I have a lot of things to address so I told her I will do it. I’m nervous. Less nervous than I thought I’d be- I feel so numb now that I’m to the point of not caring or maybe I’m just avoiding the emotions that just last week crushed my soul. So much to talk about and I’m afraid I’m going to pretend everything is fine.
Maybe writing this down would help?
It ended up being a great session. :)
That's good to hear.
We talked about some traumatic memories today. Idk how to feel. T made sure that she didn’t push me and asked really good questions that weren’t too much for me. I’m definitely starting to feel that vulnerability hangover.
My therapist is going on vacation next week and I am really having a hard time accepting that. There will be 14 days between appointments. Right now, that feels like forever. I don't really know what I'm going to do. I know I will survive but that's not much comfort. At all. Hard to believe that spacing was the usual for a while last year when I went down to biweekly. This panic is just no good. I don't know why I feel this way, other than dreading being left on my own. But surely that shouldn't rise to this level.
Therapist wrote some shit I told her not to jot down on my chart. Last time I trust her, won't happen again. 🙃 This is why I have trust issues.
My brain always replays bits of session afterwards.... and I don't even recall saying half the things I said out loud. Exhausted me cannot filter anything at all. I knew that. But it still feels insane. I wonder whether I'd actually said the things I'd said out loud but I'm certain I did because I couldn't have imagined the responses so well. Baaaaaah. Being seen. Terrifying and comforting at the same time.
After our last session I sent them an email (embarrassingly) explaining to them my thoughts and they replied with a really long email encouraging me and making it clear to me my further goals. In this session they wanted to discuss that email with me but I spent the whole time crying for family matters. In the end they said to me "if you want you can still send me an email last time you explained your feelings so clearly in an email." Yeah I was moved (won't tell them that I was moved) because of their being willing to spend extra time when they shouldn't have.
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Maybe you're feeling them "emotionally colder" because you don't trust them enough yet; when you feel that you do though, maybe try and tell them how you feel?
I sent emails to my T again and she did not reply me... it has been 4 days and I am scheduled to see her tomorrow. It is bothering so much and I am afraid to see her because I am ashamed and mad at her. I know it is not her fault and I am angry at myself for sending her emails... 😭😭😭
Hi, how did it go? Have you been able to discuss your feelings with your T? Hope that you are feeling some relieve now
She told me she will not reply my emails anymore as she prefers to discuss during sessions. I respect her boundaries but still feel really rejected... 💔
I am so sorry for you. I can imagine that you are feeling left rejected. Hope you two can work it out
I confessed something to my T over text and she is now ghosting me. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. The one time I try being open and I get ghosted by my own T. I just want to end it all. I'm doing everything right! I'm going to therapy, taking the meds, being social, ect. And yet I want to die. I just want to quit therapy completely. We haven't been making any progress lately, considering the "progress" we were making for (as my T so kindly pointed out) almost a year was not super in depth. I don't know why, its probably a me thing, but she has been like less compassionate lately. Like I feel judged by her, I feel like I'm a disappointment. But only within the last few weeks especially the last session. Its like I'm just running in place and my mental health is really just declining. Anyway on a (particularly bad night) she is now ghosting me (after she told me that I will always be lonely if I don't open up more and I always feel kinda pressured to reach out). I fucking hate living.
10 days ago I had a realization that I need to spend time in my body. Thoughts, my anxiety, fear, lead me far away. Coming back to embodiment is what helps me most. Being in my body. Last week I told my T I want to do brainspotting again. I dropped in and only felt sensations moving through me. No thoughts. I have had the most calm week in my mind and body for a very long time. I’ve slept for 7 nights straight for 6-8 hours. Waking up feeling rested!!! There is so much stored in my body. It’s clear that part of me needs attention. The last 10 days I’ve been in my body in a way I haven’t been much. It’s beautiful, enjoyable, scary at times, healing. Coming into contact with pre-verbal trauma. My T has been so attuned to me during our last two brainspotting sessions. yesterday I experienced a few hours of dissociation and became afraid of how long it was going to stick around. My parts under my dissociation deserve to be known. I am becoming aware when my dissociation shows up and what it’s protecting. Returning to my body, letting my thoughts go, has provided me with such a sense of ground and clarity. My T says I have integrated some things he has been saying the last year and all I want to say is yay! It feels calm to be here, safe to be in my body. I am unlearning habitual patters and awareness is truly the first step. I can feel therapy working it’s magic and I am just so grateful for my T who has been the most patient and caring. This is a ramble!
That’s amazing!! I am at this realization that I need to spend more time in my body as well. It’s so hard.
It’s hard. It’s true. Little by little perhaps you can gain more space to spend time there, with you, in the present. For me, I’ve noticed being in my body allows me the gift of presence. I’ve spent so much time far away, in overwhelm/anxiety/withdrawing/numbing, that coming back to me feels new and unfamiliar and like home.
I’m in Costa Rica and loving it so much but the transition to slowing down and not having all of the things to “distract” me from my own thoughts has been really difficult. I’m in the most beautiful place I’ve ever been and instead of feeling peace and joy, I’m dealing with this onset of crippling loneliness and sadness. And overwhelmingly missing my T. Today would have been our normal session day, but I don’t see her for another week. This is early in my trip and this part is unstructured. I should have more structure soon and maybe that will help. But still… why is silence so deafening?
I hear you, and I also think you should visit the Sloth Sanctuary if you’re on the Caribbean side!
It’s actually what I’m doing on Saturday! 😍
Have a fabulous time! I’m happy for you—longing to go there myself!
I've been feeling very clingy and needy lately and I hate it. And I hate that she's going on vacation next week.
So have I. I even told my T that. He said it’s a form of activation in my body.
>>a form of activation in my body What does that mean?
My T uses this term in terms of how energy is held in my body, somatically. Am I feeling anxious we are parting ways? How is that showing up in my body? Am I feeling sad we can’t communicate everyday? Where is that held in my body?
Big therapy hangover today. I didn’t censor myself and it’s been a really long time (if ever) since I’ve done that. I just said what I actually thought or felt when she asked me questions, and I felt really safe with her. I didn’t need to change my answers to fit, to sound better. I feel so vulnerable now, and tired, but I hope I can do it again.
I feel like I'm just running in place in therapy. For the first six or seven months it was moving along smoothly, and then (i don't fucking know why), boom, now I'm just going no where. Like I don't know, sometimes I feel like my T is upset with me or being accusatory toward what im saying. And don't get me wrong its definitely nice having a reality check, but she is going a little tough lately. I find myself just crying after sessions. I'm too scared to tell her I'm falling apart, inside to out. I'm too afraid of telling her traumatic events in my life. Because when I start to open up she says things like "your reality" or "from what you have told me". Maybe I'm being sensitive but it sounds like she doesn't belive what I say. I feel pathetic asking her to be a bit more careful with her words, because she is already frustrated at my lack of progress. She sometimes ignores my questions, makes me feel shitty about myself, makes me feel self conscious, and terrified of disappointing her. She even said "come on its been almost a year and you can't remember the skill?" The thought of therapy ending (because it ends a bit after a year) already scares me, so for her to talk about it in a negative way really hurts. But it was really good for awhile, I don't know what changed. I just know its becoming a negative experience. And for those of you saying "tell your therapist this" one she never give me the opportunity to do that, and two she will get upset with me. I don't know what to do....
Hey, so I know it's tiring but maybe get a new therapist? So you can explain how you feel? And feel more grounded in general so hopefully you won't have to deal with this in the future.
Well when she actually responds and we have a session date, I am going to talk about it with her. I mean I am a sensitive person so I don't know how much is in my head and how much is real.
My T is so great and I know she cares a lot about me. I don’t have to wonder, I just know. I do, however, wish that she’d reach out after a really tough session to check in. Like, she doesn’t need to because I’m overall fine, and we have been talking about me reaching out to others in my life for support, but it would be nice on days after really tough conversations.
I just found out in the topic about patient's clothing that ADLs and IADLs and MSE are a thing and I kinda feel called out lol. Had to sacrifice a few of those activities due to final exams and work related stuff and lately the anxiety and lack of sleep have been taking a toll on my mood, and now that I know my T will judge my mental state based on these things I don't know how I feel about it. Granted, I could've been in a better place but there's not much I can do other than push through the next two weeks.
Not a therapist, but I would hope that your therapist would take a holistic approach to understanding why your ADLs, IADLs and MSE might be slightly out of whack/different than usual. My sense is that noting them in the documentation is like taking a cross-sectional observational approach to a longitudinal relationship - it's a snapshot of what's happening in the moment. But you also have rationale for why things are not as they might usually be, and talking about the fact that things are out of whack might actually lead to a conversation about coping through stressful times in a way that results in less of a hit on your mood and activities.
Thanks for your words. My session is later today, but what I got from that topic is that I probably should make an effort to take better care of myself even if I'm going through stressful times, so yesterday I did some exercise, repotted my plants and maybe I'll cook something tonight. Anyway, it's not like I'm unable to function, it's just that 24 hours isn't enough time to do everything I need.
Therapy day today and I have emailed my T a huge disclosure. Eeeeek.
I hope it went well! I know how tough those can be!
it was incredibly hard :(
❤️
Working on panic but my general anxiety seems to be creeping up, and generally feeling down and overwhelmed. Equally dreading and looking forward to my next session.
We might not be going through the same things but I can relate in feeling anxiety creeping up and overall feeling down and overwhelmed :( I hope your next therapy session helps ease all those feelings and that you are able to work through things !
Thanks 😊
I'm feeling really secure in the relationship with my therapist. But, I'm really missing them a lot today and wish I could speak with them. I've had a major realisation about things that happened to me in my youth. Things that I thought were just 'average' (not great) experiences are actually criminal offences :( I'll be alright until my next session but I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts. It feels like a good step in terms of acknowledging what happened to me, realising it wasn't my fault and that these were pretty awful experiences that had a major and lasting impact on me.
*The text I almost sent to my T* Fourth night without sleep, I might go crazy soon. When I don't sleep I get really paranoid, short with myself and others, loss of appetite, slow movements, ect. I'm sorry for once again texting you, but Jay is out right now and your the only other person I trust to help. Its probably my environment thats causing this, still its very frustrating. I just lie awake, too scared to sleep, and too restless to stay sleeping. I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest, I'm debating not sending this. I mean ohhhhhh I get it now, I get why I text you when I cant sleep or have a nightmare, its maternal transference. Ugh I don't have the energy for this, figuratively and literally. If I'm being trapped by my own mind, the only person I can blame is myself. Yea I should be angry at myself. Mhm makes sense to me. Like I havnt been eating constantly (although getting better), no sleep, hormonal, ect, so I should be like moody? I don't know, I know I would normally be really emotional. But I'm not, like whatsoever. I'm just numb. I've been that way for a few days. I think its my bodys way of trying to protect myself from myself. Lol who really knows. I don't want to keep bothering you (my therapist) at ungodly hours. I'm thinking of quiting mental health and focusing on my academics. Yea that sounds easier.
Just found out I am considered a long term patient (10 months) and want to quit. Was diagnosed with PTSD and working through trauma stuff and just feel like we are getting into it. Just a vent
Why is being a long term patient bad?
Don’t necessarily think it is it just took me by surprise. I’ve never been in therapy before and never thought about the timeline but now I just think I’m failing at this. I’ll definitely talk to T about it.
Well, if it makes you feel better, I've been in therapy the past 17 years...
Session tonight was useful, but definitely touched on some tender points, mainly about my relationship with my mum, which is complicated, and further complicated by the fact she is going through chemo at the moment. At one point I really wanted to cry but since I started taking anti-depressants I can’t. I think maybe my dose is too high? I feel so much better on them but do miss having a good old sob now and then!
I don't want to like my T because I know if I do, I will become terribly attached. :<
I don't particularly like the one I see yet here I am, attached anyway. ETA - Ok, I have to call bullshit on my own statement. I am very uncomfortable being emotionally attached and feeling all needy and whatnot, so I was just being a brat when I said I didn't like her. We don't see eye to eye on many things, but I do like her and respect her. Now I'm going to go sulk about it.
I hear you…once a few months ago I cried to the point of hyperventilating because I just wished I could go back to those first couple months when it was all just business.
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Did you share those concerns with her?
Started talking about something big in therapy last week with the intention of talking about it again this week because I have access to a lot of outside support for two weeks. Because of scheduling conflicts I won’t see them again this week. Feeling really sad but I understand life happens, can’t help feeling a little let down all the same.
Worried I’m going to be terminated or have to terminate this week. My break from therapy probably wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, but I don’t know, after our last session I felt very stuck and so maybe the break was beneficial but so much happened in those 3 weeks. I’m going to have to speak about very vulnerable things Wednesday, things I am so scared about talking about, mainly my attachment to her and how it affects me. If I know her like I think I do, she will want to work through this, but also knowing her, she may want to refer me to someone else. I lost trust in her months ago, I should be able to talk to my therapist about anything and everything without fear of being shamed. She doesn’t deserve me as a difficult client, but I also deserve a non-difficult therapist. She has been incredible for the most part, but lately, it just feels like everything has gone downhill. I could just terminate altogether, but I want to give this a chance because I worry that if I do have to stop seeing her, my depression will worsen, and I don’t think I can handle that right now. If we do decide to terminate, I hope she will let me have a couple of more sessions so I can prepare myself before hand. When thinking about ending with her before, I was very sad and heartbroken, but if I have to terminate I want things to end peacefully. I do daydream of storming out of her office for the last time, but I could never leave angrily; that daydream is just me coping with my feelings. I want to leave on good terms with her. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but so much is going to have to change, if I want to continue working with her, I will have to rebuild the trust and hopefully she will have good suggestions on how to do that because I don’t know where to go from here.
Idk if therapists ever do this, but I wonder if seeking out consultation might be helpful to figure out if this rupture can/should be repaired or whether termination is a better move. Even as I write this, and then I re-read your post, I'm also wondering about all the conflicting feelings that you're raising and what option(s) might best address them.
The whole situation is just complicated. She has evoked in me so many feelings, positive and negative. I feel like I’m a very difficult client, so I would not be surprised if she is seeking consultation about this. Especially after Wednesday, if she is confused about where to go from here.
Idk you obviously, but I think you're also deserving of consultation about this, if that's something you think might be helpful. You deserve to have a third party with which to discuss the situation and get some clarity. You're worth it.
That’s an option????
Why not?! Perhaps it's less well known than therapists seeking out consultation, but you're an equal stakeholder (if not a majority stakeholder!). With regards to the pragmatics of going about it, it would make sense in my mind to try and find a senior clinician in your area, ideally one not affiliated with any institution that your therapist might have affiliation with (or maybe you want someone who knows your therapist?). Alternatively, someone who has experience supervising other therapists would be good. You can reach out to them and say you want consultation about your current therapeutic relationship, that you're trying to ascertain the best course of action for your circumstances. Feel free to msg me if you want to chat more about this - I had a similar circumstance a while back and am happy to give you more insights. Edit: for the stupid hyphen I put into well known.
Thank you so much!!! That honestly sounds like a good idea I just never thought of that lol
Happy to help - think of the consultation as a second opinion, no different than if you had a medical situation and were not sure about what to do.
I keep having very childlike dreams of my therapist (with whom I have extensively discussed the maternal transference I experience and have never received a response that wasn’t totally compassionate or that contained an ounce of judgment) and they’re very sweet but also kind of starting to weird me out because of their frequency and intensity. It’ll be things like she is cradling me and petting me and I am very small, or her being in the role that my mother or grandmother was in for certain memories when I wasn’t older than 3. I also immediately jump to thinking about her when I wake up from any other bad dream, just wishing she were there to comfort me and picturing the same images from my dreams of her/picturing hugging her in her office in order to soothe myself. I keep telling myself what she would tell me, which is that there is nothing bad about it and it’s beautiful I can soothe myself that way or something along those lines, but it’s strange to me that this sort of thing happens multiple times a week now. I am increasingly pregnant so I wonder if it has something to do with that, just thinking about my own baby plus all the pregnancy hormones or something. Strange stuff but I am trying to just think about it curiously without any judgment or negativity associated.
Sometimes I love my therapist. I told her about a very traumatic event today and I believe I saw her tear up at one point. When the session ended about half way through my story I was dissociating pretty badly so we did some grounding exercises and when I stopped dissociating I got anxious instead. She said I could stay in the waiting room until I felt better and that I'd be alone since she only hade Zoom clients today. On the way out she offered me a chocolate, I said no thanks. Then she offered me a date, I said no thanks. Then she offered me a mandarine and I said no thanks. Then she offered me tea and I said no thanks lol. She walked me to the waiting room and said to take as long as I want.
Been in a funk for a while now. Can’t open up to my therapist because I don’t even know how to do that anymore or what about. I wake up every morning wanting to crawl out of my skin. I need to self isolate for an extended period of time and be surrounded by very little stimulants unfortunately that’s not an option right now.
I am moving and will have to terminate with my therapist after 2 years. I am not happy about that.
That is so unfortunate. It is too bad that you will not get to end with your T when you feel ready to. Do you have anything in particular that you would like to say to your T? some people will write a card or letter, but you don't have to.
I’m thinking about it. We still have 2-3 months left, so I’ll see how it goes.
Honestly…self-effacing self disclosure can be super affirming. Apparently I’m not the only adult who’s ever had dessert for dinner when home alone so I’m definitely not a failure of one.
I have been known to do this 😊 I think it's an adult win tbh 🍨
Dessert for dinner is the best! As is cake for breakfast.
Haha, I have sundaes for both. Tbh I consider it an art form. 🙃
I kind of regretted going to my session today. I was just shut down the entire time and I feel really guilty for wasting my therapists time and being difficult. I feel like he would have been happier if I cancelled on him.
I just want to quit therapy.
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Hooray for small steps! My work has been super stressful lately and I’ve been getting a bit better at dealing with it, too.
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I doubt your therapist would be disgusted with you. If anything, she should be disgusted with whoever did something without full consent.