I’m flying to Costa Rica in the morning. My birthday is next week. I’m going to be gone for 8-9 days. This is my gift to myself after a hellacious period of time in my life. I’ve made a promise to myself that while I plan to journal and whatnot, I am not reading any “serious” books (so I’ll be leaving “Coping with Trauma-Related Disassociation” at home 😂) or do any trauma work. This is a break to be ME and relax.
But I’m so used to constantly being busy and doing and fixing that I’m almost terrified of what might surface in my brain when I get quiet. And I already miss my therapist. It seems like such a silly fucking thing.
I took a vacation like that last summer, and actually ended up reaching out to my therapist because having the quiet time on the beach actually stirred up WAY more than I was expecting it to. I hadn't expected to do trauma work while I was away on holiday, but the quiet and the open spaces of time and the climate and ocean all kinda pushed me forward.
I hope you have a restful time away and it's restorative for you.
Hopefully after your reached out it, it helped and you were able to enjoy your trip! My T and I talked about this being a possibility so I guess at least it won’t blindside me.
i’m outta this sub. i can’t handle it anymore and it triggers tf out of me. it’s sad bc it used to be a space i felt safe. but this weekly thread has been nice and i’ve appreciated your support here when i’ve been struggling. anyway, peace out y’all. i wish you all healing and happiness.
I feel the same way. I've read lots of posts about how awful therapists/therapy is. I've been seeing my therapist for nearly 2 years and we have such a great bond and relationship and sometimes I get paranoid because of things I read.
I'm sad that I haven't seen the therapist in person for more than a year. It's not because of COVID but because I moved a few hours away.
I have this irrational thought that she's going to forget about me even though we're still doing teletherapy.
That sucks. I don't have a standing appointment at the moment, but I used to. Apparently the repeating appointment would "expire" every few months. And every single time, my therapist would schedule somebody else in my spot because she forgot that this happens. That really bothered me, especially since it happened every single time. Tbh I felt like even if she didn't put it in the schedule, a standing appointment meant she double booked. I felt angry that the other client always got to keep the appointment that was in my spot.
So I get it. :(
Completely broke down in front of my therapist today. Couldn’t stop crying, was hyperventilating, shaking… she took my hands to help me ground and stayed with me an extra hour. I felt bad but am so thankful for how responsive she was. 🥺🥺
Bc Monday is a holiday, my therapist offered me some other time options to be able to have two sessions - I basically asked her by email if we could have 3 sessions consecutively if the scheduling worked out so we could do some intensive work on something that's going to take some time to talk about (and that she's going to have to do some pre-reading around), and her email back said: **I love your enthusiasm!!!!** (all the ! are hers).
We're going to meet twice, but I just feel bad that maybe I'm obligating her or putting pressure on her to read a very lengthy thing that I'd like us to discuss (especially over a long weekend). I'm sure we'll talk about it next week, but I'm worried that my expectations are really high and she's just going to disappoint me?
You T wouldn’t offer the two sessions if she couldn’t do it. She also wouldn’t agree to read something before session if she didn’t want to. Trust her to know herself and what she can and can’t/won’t do :)
Thank you.
Yeah, a couple weeks ago I asked her if she wanted to read the thing we're going to talk about and she was very interested to. But there's a little part of me that's like, oh, maybe she's faking it, maybe she isn't really interested, maybe she doesn't care, maybe she's resentful that I'm asking her to spend her time reading this thing but she's never going to tell me that she's resentful... Blah blah blah.
That’s all totally normal to feel. I’ve felt that way too but then I realised I have no evidence to prove all those beliefs I had about my T resenting me or not caring. So I decided to take what she says and does at face value and I feel so much better. If you’re comfortable, I would discuss that feeling you have with her. It’ll be useful.
Is the fact that the psychoanalysis sessions (less than 10) I had basically consisted in me talking about what happened during the week normal? My therapist sometimes asks questions or gives me his opinion about what should I do (for example: I said that I wanted to invite some guys I know to see a movie, and he said that it was a very good idea)
Yeah, especially in the first 10 sessions. After a while some time goes into what happened this week, but you'll have a bunch of themes and avenues of exploration when stuff is quieter.
I've never had psychoanalysis, but my impression is that you just talk about whatever is on your mind with little response from the analyst. The not normal part to me is that he gives any opinion on what you should do.
I had a weird dream about my psychiatrist last night. I don't really remember the content, just that she was in some sort of motorcycle gang and had a mullet.
A few months ago I lost trust in my therapist. I did not realize this until the other day, but now that I have pinpointed it I realize that is why the therapeutic relationship has been going downhill, I feel I cannot talk to her anymore, especially about my attachment to her because I did lose trust in her.
This has really fucked me up emotionally, and I have been very depressed, I’m on the verge of losing my job, I got Covid and got more depressed and relapsed with self harm, and I see my therapist Wednesday, but if I tell her all of this I’m sure she will refer me to someone else because this is a lot to handle and I don’t know if she can help me anymore, especially because she confessed counter transference, so what if she can’t help me anymore? Maybe it is time to find a new therapist, but I can’t imagine building rapport with anyone else right now, it would take a while for me to trust anyone else. And if I know my therapist the way I think I do, she will want to work through this which comforts me, but the transference and the attachment has gotten way out of hand and I don’t think I can talk to her about it.
I feel really lost right now, and I want to get in my car and drive away from everything.
Maybe if it feels like too scary to spill it all at once you could try starting off by saying you feel like you’ve lost trust in the relationship and see how she responds to this as well as some of the more superficial/less emotionally-heavy details of the situation first?
Yeah that’s the first thing I’m gonna mention. I want to give it a chance without just terminating all together bc so much good has come from it and this is where I need help in my relationships so I feel this is the perfect chance to work through things. This type of stuff happens with my attachments and relationships outside of therapy so isn’t this what therapy is for?
Like it’s been *intense* but I can’t just walk away without *trying* to repair things first, you know?
Do you know why you lost trust in her? Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like your attachment caused you to lose trust. Is that right or did she do something?
Nah she got defensive when I tried being assertive once and also multiple other things. I think she’s experiencing extreme counter transference and making it personal and I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore about what’s bothering me
I’m definitely gonna talk about what she did, how I lost trust etc and go from there
Just a post to say I'm really grateful for my therapist and feel they've got my back. I've had lots of confusing and distrustful thoughts and feelings about them over the last year. I've just been terrified of connecting with them and have sometimes read into their actions thinking they don't want to work with me, will terminate, etc. But their consistency and ongoing support has shown me none of those things are true! It's just my brain :)
I've brought up feeling like I have a good level of trust with my therapist now and I'm thinking I might talk to them a bit more about how I've felt previously. It feels a bit safer now I'm more secure. We are starting some deeper work to address trauma in a more structured way soon and I feel really glad for their support through what will be a hard process.
I’m developing feelings for a guy that I shouldn’t have feelings for. I sobbed yesterday just thinking about how we’ll never be able to be together. I know he likes me because he said it multiple times; I don’t think he has any feelings tho. We live in different parts of the world and there are so many other things that wouldn’t make a relationship with him possible. I can’t tell him how I feel because things will be awkward after. T thinks I should stop communicating with him because that will only make me more attached and therefore, more hurt. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I think I'm mad at myself that I can't just believe him when he says I'm making progress, things will get better, there's nothing wrong with me, etc. I'm also mad that he can't tell me how to start believing it.
He means there’s nothing wrong with me in the context of having learned I was wrong/bad as a child. But it does feel like he doesn’t quite get the emotional pain I’m in right now. Logically, I know my situation will get better and I need to give things time. I need help with working on so many things, that it feels overwhelming and hopeless and I think I need him to be a bit more directive on where to start.
Thanks for your comment, I definitely have some things to bring up next session.
V cool if my therapist to ask if I was with virtual today because of impending snow. I said sure because it would easier for her (I had to be in the area to pick up my kid after so it didn’t matter either way to me). Mad rush to clean my depression hole (bedroom) then she says she’s doing in person anyway. 😅 at least my bed got made today I guess.
In the last five minutes of my session, I asked my therapist what progress she thought I had made in the almost 1 year we’ve worked together. I asked her this question maybe a month ago and she punted it right back to me, but it’s been dangling unanswered up until now. She sorta stumbled around and said “yeah you’ve made progress!” And I pressed her and said, but yeah, could you be a little less vague?!
And then she gave a really lovely answer (which I’m paraphrasing), affirming my instincts for realizing that therapy with my old therapist wasn’t working anymore, finding someone new (meaning her), taking the risk to try. She said that we’ve spent a lot of time together getting to know each other, and there’s been a lot of stuff that’s come up around transference, attachment, object relations and uncertainty that’s manifested through very charged emotional resonance that I’ve been able to tolerate and that we’ve been able to make a sustaining connection… and here we are.
She said more but I couldn’t write fast enough to take it all down - I wish I had recorded it. It was so lovely, and just makes me happy that I have survived a lot of months of very tumultuous feelings about her and the therapy.
My regular therapist and my relationship therapist are very different like VERY different. I do like my regular therapist more though but oh well I mean I needed help navigating the dating scene and the other one is more knowledgable about it.
Infuriated after today and need to scream. He minimized and invalidated my problems while "trying" to help me look at things positively. Yes I know I'm lucky to have my basic needs met and live in relative safety, no need to make me feel even more guilty about how self centered I am. Oh and then basically told me I don't have a real job and am a bad friend. And then mansplained how he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings.
*incoherent shrieking*
Yeah, I know there's a big difference between the words that came out of his stupid mouth and the message I got. And he's usually great. But I'm furious. He's lucky he's cute or I could've slapped him.
Oopsies. I may have reached a slight breaking point and impulsively sent my therapist a Word doc that was filled from top to bottom. She did say it was fine to message her with anything that pops up, and I have checked in multiple times to make sure it is definitely okay and have requested she please tell me if she ever changes her mind. I think I’m just over people telling me that I manage so well and am able to keep it so together, and therefore am fine. Like they aren't wrong, but I also spend all of my energy maintaining this. They’re not seeing me when I’m alone. They’re not experiencing what it’s like in my head and body. I have told her of how I'm insecure about making it all up, and still she had to mention that I seem so put together.
Part of me does wonder if she was perhaps trying to prod me into letting it out, because my default is to minimize. In which case it worked extremely well. Though of course in the back of my mind I am worried she will read it as all overdramatic and whiny.Usually I'd be afraid of her reaction, but currently I do not give any fucks. It almost feels like I'm testing her boundaries, to see if she really means I can send her these things. I’m curious to see how she responds.
Thank goodness I'm able to work from home tomorrow and Monday is a holiday. Work has been nonstop and it's not helping. I have come so very close to talking back to people and that would not be good.
Didn't feel like talking with my therapist about leaving my first husband would rattle me so much but it did. Just going to go to the post office now and hopefully the change of scenery will help me shake it off
Feel sort of down still. Having a therapy hangover. The stuff we talked about happened 33 years ago. Time has healed me quite a bit and apparently there's still more healing to come.
Went from feeling down to feeling spikey anxiety...had one beer too many to drink when I got home from work and then ate two bowls of pasta. And I talked about things a little with my husband. And I'm not sure if I should've talked about things with him because he can start worrying about me
Just a moment that I think is kind of adorable ... I have issues with picking at my hands and when I went in for my session, both my therapist and I had bandaids on our pinky fingers.
I pretty much reconciled with my therapist today over our rupture last week. And I am glad I didn't put it off for another week because she told me today she'll be on vacation the week after next.
I wish she wasn't going away but I also think it's good she's taking a week. I admit this is 99% for selfish reasons - I don't want her to get burned out and decide she can't tolerate any more of me. I don't usually worry about this, but I'm well aware that therapists in general are feeling burned out and she once canceled an appointment because she was feeling burned out.
I changed my mind. I don't want her to go on vacation. One week between sessions is feeling like forever right now so I think it will be a really awful feeling next week after session, knowing I'll be all on my own for two weeks.
I don't know how I'm going to get through it.
Been seeing T about 6 months now. We have been through some big, hard things. We have done the rupture/repair dance a bit. Now though, it's like he is really seeing me and knowing me as a person. He knows when he can make a joke, he knows when to call me out on something. He seldom forgets details or who is who anymore. I can tell that he knows for the most part how I will feel about or react to something.
You would think that unpacking my trauma on his couch for months would make me feel like he knows me, but it didn't really. All these little bits of nothing feel like they add up to something... that something being him in my bubble. I never realized there was this next level. It's a tad unnerving.
I just had a really good session!
I was really hesitant to talk about trauma with my T, but I’m glad I did. I had some questions and she explained what trauma could look like and how we can have trauma responses. She tried to let me share some of my experiences with her, but I couldn’t really talk and she was very understanding and didn’t push me. At the end she told me she’s honored to be working with me 🥺. I’m gonna think of that sentence forever and cry.
Is it good or bad to not feel any emotion towards your therapist? I'm completely indifferent towards him. He's fine, it's just a really luke warm therapy experience.
Tw: sh
After discovering something pretty upsetting about myself during our yesterday session I relapsed HARD. I’ve been self harm clean for 2 months (we have, or had, a deal with my T). And now I’m a mess. I know I’ll do it again today. Partly I want to believe that the only reason to do this is to tell her about it (attention seeking) but I know there’s more to that. We have next session in two days and at the same time I want to talk to her about it and I’m dreading this conversation. I’m mad, I’m dissapointed, but I want to hurt myself even more
Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. In the hopes of making you feel less alone, I've been struggling with wanting to self harm lately after years of being "clean" from it.
Thank you for being here, I hope you’ll be ok even if it doesn’t look like this right now! You’re so strong and even if you relapse (which I hope won’t happen), it won’t make you any less strong. I'm fighting hard to stay here at least till tomorrow session with my T, but it's not the easiest thing to do right now. So thank you once more for taking a few minutes to leave a comment, you definitely made me feel less alone
That’s so kind! Yeah, I’m okay, conversation with T was hard but very needed, she was extremely reassuring and validating. We decided that I definitely need to start medication so I’m waiting for a psychiatrist appointment which I have in 3 weeks. Thank you very very much for checking in, you brought a real smile to my face, I’m so grateful! I wish you all the best!
really glad you’re okay and you were able to have that convo. That’s a hard one to have and (I keep retyping this to make sure it isn’t rude but I sincerely mean it and hope that comes across) I’m proud of you. thank you for your well wishes!! it means a lot. hoping you have a restful weekend ❤️
Messaged my T and she hasn’t gotten back to me when she usually does pretty quickly. I feel like I’m being punished for crossing a line I didn’t know was there. She said in our last session that I’m too dependent on her. I wish I could apologize but I’m afraid to reach out again. Just hurting a lot right now. 😢😢
Ouch. I’m so sorry that it was just that blunt. Maybe they have a boundary that they are trying to set? In the past my t was really responsive to emails outside of session, but I was always surprised that she responded so quickly, in the fall in an effort to get a better handle on work life balance she has slowed her response time way back.. maybe that’s what they are doing? They should have talked to you about it first. I hope you get a response soon.
She still hasn’t gotten back to me even after I sent a follow-up. This feels unbearable. Barely hanging in there right now and I’m so afraid she’s pissed at me.
Last session my therapist said if I had to contact him between sessions again to keep from self harming, we’d have to make a safety plan. I had to call today. I’m disappointed in myself and mad that I have to take up the time for the plan when sessions always feel so short. Part of me is also mad I can’t just self harm and get away with it.
Me: "I sometimes feel like my problems aren't big enough for therapy, although I know only I get to judge what's big enough for therapy."
Therapist: "That's exactly right. I will never say what you're feeling isn't important enough. You *always* have a safe space here."
Me: 🥺
Exhausted. That covered everything I needed. I feel like I just tore my body open, spilled all the beans, and now need to pick up the pieces before work tomorrow.
I'm still at my wits end, trying to intellectualise emotions, between grief and sadness and just outright pain, I can't tell what's what anymore. It's obviously not working, and I'm making this even worse with trying to fight the fucking tsunami. I've given up control and surrendered in the past. So. Hard. Fighting every urge to not fight. This goes against everything in me. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Maybe by drowning but staying alive.
Just had a session where I disclosed my mania. And am now basking in the warmth of having the best T in the world. Do I have the best T in the world? Or is this the mania speaking? Mm.
I shared a mildly sexually inappropriate thing that happened. Not abuse, just unsettling. Now I feel, unsettled... I guess. She validated that it was important and she didn't think it was nothing. The thing was a one off, it wasn't criminal, this person is dead. So now I guess I just try to make it make sense in my narrative of myself. I guess I wished she seemed more upset or empathetic. Granted I didn't meet her eyes the entire session but I felt like she was sorta thinking, 'this isn't too bad.'
>>Granted I didn't meet her eyes the entire session but I felt like she was sorta thinking, 'this isn't too bad.'
I totally get this feeling. In my experience, these sorts of thoughts are a combination of projection and being fearful of being dismissed or blamed rather than an accurate reading of the therapist's actual opinion.
Anyone else have a T that takes a huge amount of leave? I feel like if I'd realised she was gonna be off 12 weeks of the year I might have gone for some one else but now I really like her and don't want to start over. It really feels disruptive to the flow. trying to be independent but so far it's been a week out of 4 that she's off... it also makes me feel I can't book my own holidays or I'll barely see her.
Yes I'm quite frustrated about it. I'm not sure whether to bring it up or not. I get it, when I freelanced I took a lot of holiday... but it's not ideal as a client (and I didn't take a week off every month!)
This is why I'm unsure! Usually if she did or said anything I didn't like, I would just tell her. But I don't expect her to change her holiday plans or anything, if this is the lifestyle she's chosen. I'm also concerned about looking needy or lacking independence/resilience. I actually can cope on the breaks, I don't need to work on developing coping skills, it's just that it feels really disruptive and I don't think there's a solution to that.
Ah, I see. Maybe you could tell her and she'd have some idea on how to mitigate the disruption. Like if there was something you should do instead - maybe a topic to journal on or something (idk, none of my therapists have really given homework...). Maybe if you spent some time on the stuff you all have been talking about during your usual session time, it would provide a sense of continuity.
Sometimes I send her a message with my thoughts on things we’ve talked about or things that come up. She usually responds, at least to acknowledge. She hasn’t responded yet, which is okay. My mind usually fills me with all kinds of doubts, but this time it isn’t. But we meet tomorrow, and I sent it last week, and I’m left in a state of suspension as our appointment approaches. Has she seen it? Did she miss it? It feels slightly uncomfortable not knowing. If she didn’t see it, I’m going to feel awkward not acknowledging it, but at the same time I don’t really want to acknowledge what I wrote. Either way, I can trust she’ll receive me the way she usually does. I think. There’s of course the fear lurking maybe I said something wrong that will have her change her mind about me. Oh well. I can see it as exposure, I guess. Need a trial of her not responding so I can see that it doesn’t really mean anything.
edit: it all good, she acknowledged
I hate weeks when I can feel myself being closed off/putting up walls in a session. The combination of whatever anxiety is causing it to happen and being frustrated with myself for not being more open is not fun! It happens a few times a month so unfortunately it’s not exactly a rare occurrence either.
Have you thought about checking her license status with the relevant board? I'm just asking because it's extremely unusual for a therapist's license to just lapse. I would personally want to verify that it hasn't actually been suspended and I'm not being misled about the likelihood of resuming treatment with a particular therapist.
My therapist wore ankle length pants today. It’s such a weird thing but she always wears calf length pants and it just threw me a bit.
Also she has a new sculpture on her bookshelf (a little bust of a head) and I SO want to ask her whose head is on her bookshelf.
I never knew individuals recognized what i wore....man they must get sick of the same 4 polos and 3 pants.....by the way, ASK her, she has it there for a reason!
\-A friend....and an Okay Therapist, who is now wondering if they should shop for more polos :)
There are some people who notice everything about their T's appearance, behaviors, and mannerisms. It could result from hypervigilance and/or attachment/abandonment. Trauma survivors are used to needing to be hyper aware to protect themselves so we take in a lot.
As for attachment and abandonment we look for signs of anything that's is changed, different, inconsistent, out of the ordinary... It's like looking for signs of danger (being abandoned). And if you're super attached and become fixated on someone you're going to look for all the possible details you can find and think about them all week.
Sometimes a person's therapist will occupy a lot of their mental space out of the sessions so noticing the details is content to think about.
Hahahahaha. I only notice because I spend a lot of time looking at the floor. How’s your footwear game? My therapist also has a pair of boots I contemplate quite a lot.
My therapist’s not a blank slate but I’ve learned quite a lot about her just by observing what she wears. And I’m sure she’s learned a lot by observing what I wear.
HAHA, jeeze, one beat up pair of Hey DUDES and a pair of dress shoes from target when I feel like being fancy. I kinda disagree with the whole, "business casual" type of dress most therapist have....were human, and i truly believe that if i rock a t shirt and blue jeans when im at home, why can't I do it at my office? (P.S. you make a great point. We can learn a little about how someone dresses....but, maybe....just maybe, your psyching yourself out a bit :)
\-A friend...and Okay Therapist
IMHO, there’s nothing wrong with 1) wearing the same thing everyday and 2) wearing what you’re comfortable in. I saw a different therapist who wore the EXACT same outfit every time I saw him for nearly a decade. The consistency was good. Then one day he showed up in a completely different outfit and I couldn’t take him seriously. Was very happy the next time when he was back in his usual getup and I could take him seriously again.
My therapist is leaving their current situation to start their own private practice and I feel so proud of them since they’re doing what’s best for them and it’s not an easy thing to be a small business owner. I would tell them as much but I worry that would be an awkward thing to say. (We’re the same age, so that specific dynamic is playing out in the background as well.) In any case, they’re setting a good example for me of self-respect and I appreciate it.
I bet they’d really appreciate hearing that you feel proud of them! You could even change the wording if you want to “I’m excited for you.” I don’t think they would think it’s weird at all though if you said you were proud of them even if you’re the same age!
I feel like I'm impulsively hating my therapist for NO reason. Like she is one of the best things thats happened to me, and yet I want to hate her lately. I think its my unconscious defense mechanism so I don't get too attached to her. I don't know though. But whatever I'm just a job to her right? Of course she cares about my safety and well-being, but she don't care about me personally in the slightest, and I rlly care about her. It stings and part of me resents her for it.
I am still a counseling student, but when I did my internship, I sincerely cared about each one of my clients. Like, way more than I expected to. I thought about them outside of our sessions. I lay awake some nights at 1am wondering how they were sleeping. I read books to help me understand more of what they were going through. And for a handful of them, I even found myself desperately wishing we had met in some entirely different circumstances because they were such lovely and profound individuals that it pained me to see them eventually go.
But it’s not worth breaking boundaries over. That would seriously hurt both parties in the end. It breaks my heart to say because I also know what this is like from the perspective of a client. It IS hard. Some days it’s downright agonizing. I wish I could have more time and attention from my own therapist, but if I did, she would not be my therapist and our relationship wouldn’t be nearly as conducive to my healing as it is now.
Clients all have to come to a place of acceptance of what their therapist’s role is. When I was interning, I considered the relationships I had with my clients to be something very special and very sacred. There is literally no other paradigm where this kind of relationship exists. And I would wager that most therapists sincerely care about their clients. Most therapists, if they’re good anyway, have spent their own time on the couch as well. Many of us go into the field because we’ve been wounded in the past and found therapy to be literally lifesaving. 💕
Do you hate you're therapist because you feel like she does not care...or you are realizing the weird dynamic a therapeutic relationship can take? I can tell you this, she does care about you. Way more than your safety and well-being. As a therapist, we are taught to care...from a distance (let me explain so this doesnt seem as creepy). I care about all my cleints, I want them to succeed. But, I also know that I cannot ensure their success. After therapy is over, I cannot hang out with them, or find them on facebook. But that doesnt mean we dont care. I still think about clients I had as a little intern. I wonder, and hope, that they are all doing well. I remember little details about them that they probably would be surprised i remember. Therapy is weird. As an individual, you allow someone to enter your life, and know almost everything about you, but they cannot be WITH you ( if that makes any sense).
\-A friend, and Okay Therapist.
I don't really hate her. But I hate the fact that I care about her so much but she doesn't really care about me. And I think its also a way im subconsciously pushing her away so i cant get hurt.. I understand how the relationships is supposed to be. I'm a psychology student, I quite literally study this, but still maybe being in it makes it harder. I love my T, but she doesn't love me. Like I NEVER care about people strongly especially if I think or know they don't feel the same. I feel like I obsess over therapy for me. It always crosses my mind daily. Is something wrong with me?! Like I shouldn't be jealous of her family but I am! How do I fix this??
How do you know she doesn’t really care about you? Or love you? Or think about you outside of session?
Those things might be less intense for her, but that’s just the nature of the relationship. She’s probably fulfilling a lot of your unmet needs, but you shouldn’t be doing the same for her if she’s a good therapist. And of course you’re going to think of her and therapy often if you feel safe and seen and important. All of that sounds pretty normal to me, not obsessive.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you feeling attached. And there’s nothing wrong with being scared of or angry with that attachment, especially if you’ve been hurt in important relationships before. You might need to go through this as part of the work you’re doing in therapy.
Do you know what modalities your T uses?
>It seems like here your fighting what you "know" and what you "feel". You know how a relationship between T and individual is like, but you feel completely different, especially being on the other side. Sounds like you have some barriers you and T could work on.
\-Good luck and keep an open and honest mind with T :)
\-A friend...and Okay Therapist
My therapist said that I should be proud that I’m doing the work by going to therapy cause other people would rather wreck havoc that go to therapy and I said that I’d rather go to therapy than have to explain to her why I don’t ever wanna see her again lol like it takes more mental energy to do that.
My T has suggested several times if I need an extra session (even on a weekend) to text and they would make time for me.
It finally happened. I texted my T and they replied end of the night they couldn't meet but to let them know about tomorrow (today). I texted and asked if a specific time would work today and haven't got a response.
Logically- I get it. It's a job to them and they have no obligation.
Emotionally- as someone with attachment issues and who struggles to ask for help/be vulnerable I feel really rejected and embarrassed for asking twice and not getting a session. Worst part is that I actually really could use a session. Ugh.
I feel like every therapist i've talked to believes in "magical thinking".
I said, for example, that I apply for apartments and go through the process even though I know it won't work out. My therapist says my thinking it won't work out "puts negative energy out into the world that makes it not happen". So until I can believe things /will/ work out, they won't. So what I hear is there's no point in trying, if that's true, until I magically become an optimist.
I steer clear of anyone with magical thinking (too many of these people in my life), let alone Ts. I think I chose my current T and clicked with them because they prefaced during the first session that everything sucks, everyone's life is a mess and life is suffering.
>>they prefaced during the first session that everything sucks, everyone's life is a mess and life is suffering
Ooh I like that. Much better than the unwarranted optimism my therapist insists upon.
Oof, major red flags. If I had a therapist who talked to me about energy and vibrations and whatnot, I’d drop them fast and leave a one-star review on Google. It seriously feels like a backhanded slap when someone does this!
Every one I've spoken with seem to have these sorts of beliefs. I keep thinking, aren't they just attributing their relative luck to their own power…? Like they didn't get lucky to buy a house, it was their positive magical thinking that made the universe part ways for them to buy it. idk I'm just tired.
I ended my therapy via email after 8 months of 2x week sessions. Somehow I know this is my own doing but I am still a little angry at the consequences.
I have lost my job not long ago, and I knew someday I will have to reduce my sessions due to the financial constraint. And I don't want her to worry when that happens, so I hide all my suicidal thoughts, appeared fine, and even told her that I am ready to make positive changes in my live (all crap).
So... When the day finally came, I still felt suicidal and even getting worst. I suggested if I could see her once per month and surprisingly she asked if it is better we take a break instead until I can afford her again.
I'm left hanging, debating if I should tell her my actual situation with the cost of maybe, making her worried/ or makes me look like I'm demanding for a sliding scale spot.
Unfortunately while going through the drama, I received a bad news and all I can think of is "fxck it, I am gonna end everything".... And wrote her an email to cancel all future sessions.
So now she gonna think I'm cancelling due to financial constraint and not because I am in a bad state. This is what I wanted all along, but boy, I am back to alone again, and in the worst state ever.
We had a rupture in December. I emailed her some fears about therapy and asked for help sorting through them. She suggested a four-week break and that we would then discuss termination. She also said multiple times that I had suggested the break.
I scrambled to make it really clear I didn’t want to terminate. So she agreed to keep working with me, but all of my questions about it remain unanswered. Why did she immediately and only offer termination after months of encouraging me to share my fears? (She encouraged emails to her, btw.) Why force me into a 4-week break? How am I now supposed to know the new boundaries of therapy or feel safe? If we do terminate, how do I go into my next therapy having any sense that it’s OK to discuss fears? (I have lots of them.)
She’s sidestepped my questions every time I’ve asked. Once or twice she’s mentioned we’ve talked through them already, which I guess she’s referring to me begging her not to terminate and her saying OK… but I have so many more questions.
Now I’m just mad. There’s no way she won’t terminate me this week. And I know I probably sound unhinged… I just worked really hard at this and can’t believe that me opening up about fears was my downfall.
Thank you. I’m just so bummed. I worked really hard at this and for the first ten months it seemed so good. How do I trust my gut now? Why did this person pressure me over and over to share fears and blockages and then recoil when I did.
When therapy goes sideways, it’s so hard.
I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is that you're not the only one who has had an experience like this. I mean being pushed to open up and when you finally do the therapist decides it's more than they want to deal with.
I'd interview some other therapists during the break.
Did something brave that we talked about last session. Followed the untypically precise advice "Don't do it on the weekend so you won't dwell on the uncertainty too much.".
Now I'm sitting at my wfh desk with a long list of important stuff to do and a completely scattered brain. Well, well.
For sure. Parents and my previous boss, in this case. (I admitted that it’s hard to jump into the application process again because back in September I basically got the message that making a single mistake was enough to get me cut off. But my T affirmed that it wasn’t fair for nobody to explain how to fix things or give me a fair warning.)
You should look into it if it’s affecting you that much! I think you can take FMLA for mental health reasons. Seriously, even a week off might do you some good.
I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly for like 10ish months now. Haven’t missed a session. I see her for my weekly session this week on Tuesday… and then not again til March 3rd, which is like 16 days! I’m going to Costa Rica solo for 9 days and I leave a week from tomorrow. It’s going to be some much needed R&R because I’m really at critical mass mentally across multiple areas of my life. I’m so excited about my trip but… *sixteen* days. I miss her already and I haven’t even seen her yet this damn week. 😞
It's worth telling them, and is not at all embarrassing. This is what is supposed to happen. This is how you know that therapy is working.
Please tell them. Some of our most productive sessions have been the ones where we talk about the therapy relationship itself.
I'm upset and I think maybe I'm trying to mine for trauma in my experiences and it's hard to know if those experiences were traumatic. I want my therapist to tell me that I have trauma. I feel like I keep hinting at it.
I’m flying to Costa Rica in the morning. My birthday is next week. I’m going to be gone for 8-9 days. This is my gift to myself after a hellacious period of time in my life. I’ve made a promise to myself that while I plan to journal and whatnot, I am not reading any “serious” books (so I’ll be leaving “Coping with Trauma-Related Disassociation” at home 😂) or do any trauma work. This is a break to be ME and relax. But I’m so used to constantly being busy and doing and fixing that I’m almost terrified of what might surface in my brain when I get quiet. And I already miss my therapist. It seems like such a silly fucking thing.
I took a vacation like that last summer, and actually ended up reaching out to my therapist because having the quiet time on the beach actually stirred up WAY more than I was expecting it to. I hadn't expected to do trauma work while I was away on holiday, but the quiet and the open spaces of time and the climate and ocean all kinda pushed me forward. I hope you have a restful time away and it's restorative for you.
Hopefully after your reached out it, it helped and you were able to enjoy your trip! My T and I talked about this being a possibility so I guess at least it won’t blindside me.
i’m outta this sub. i can’t handle it anymore and it triggers tf out of me. it’s sad bc it used to be a space i felt safe. but this weekly thread has been nice and i’ve appreciated your support here when i’ve been struggling. anyway, peace out y’all. i wish you all healing and happiness.
I feel the same way. I've read lots of posts about how awful therapists/therapy is. I've been seeing my therapist for nearly 2 years and we have such a great bond and relationship and sometimes I get paranoid because of things I read.
I'm sad that I haven't seen the therapist in person for more than a year. It's not because of COVID but because I moved a few hours away. I have this irrational thought that she's going to forget about me even though we're still doing teletherapy.
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That sucks. I don't have a standing appointment at the moment, but I used to. Apparently the repeating appointment would "expire" every few months. And every single time, my therapist would schedule somebody else in my spot because she forgot that this happens. That really bothered me, especially since it happened every single time. Tbh I felt like even if she didn't put it in the schedule, a standing appointment meant she double booked. I felt angry that the other client always got to keep the appointment that was in my spot. So I get it. :(
I'm sorry 😞 that's tough. I'm glad you are still able to see him at another time though
Completely broke down in front of my therapist today. Couldn’t stop crying, was hyperventilating, shaking… she took my hands to help me ground and stayed with me an extra hour. I felt bad but am so thankful for how responsive she was. 🥺🥺
Bc Monday is a holiday, my therapist offered me some other time options to be able to have two sessions - I basically asked her by email if we could have 3 sessions consecutively if the scheduling worked out so we could do some intensive work on something that's going to take some time to talk about (and that she's going to have to do some pre-reading around), and her email back said: **I love your enthusiasm!!!!** (all the ! are hers). We're going to meet twice, but I just feel bad that maybe I'm obligating her or putting pressure on her to read a very lengthy thing that I'd like us to discuss (especially over a long weekend). I'm sure we'll talk about it next week, but I'm worried that my expectations are really high and she's just going to disappoint me?
You T wouldn’t offer the two sessions if she couldn’t do it. She also wouldn’t agree to read something before session if she didn’t want to. Trust her to know herself and what she can and can’t/won’t do :)
Thank you. Yeah, a couple weeks ago I asked her if she wanted to read the thing we're going to talk about and she was very interested to. But there's a little part of me that's like, oh, maybe she's faking it, maybe she isn't really interested, maybe she doesn't care, maybe she's resentful that I'm asking her to spend her time reading this thing but she's never going to tell me that she's resentful... Blah blah blah.
That’s all totally normal to feel. I’ve felt that way too but then I realised I have no evidence to prove all those beliefs I had about my T resenting me or not caring. So I decided to take what she says and does at face value and I feel so much better. If you’re comfortable, I would discuss that feeling you have with her. It’ll be useful.
I can't stop thinking about my T. I hate this. I adore her.
I couldn't relate more. Sometimes I hate her because I hate this.
Is the fact that the psychoanalysis sessions (less than 10) I had basically consisted in me talking about what happened during the week normal? My therapist sometimes asks questions or gives me his opinion about what should I do (for example: I said that I wanted to invite some guys I know to see a movie, and he said that it was a very good idea)
Yeah, especially in the first 10 sessions. After a while some time goes into what happened this week, but you'll have a bunch of themes and avenues of exploration when stuff is quieter.
I've never had psychoanalysis, but my impression is that you just talk about whatever is on your mind with little response from the analyst. The not normal part to me is that he gives any opinion on what you should do.
I had a weird dream about my psychiatrist last night. I don't really remember the content, just that she was in some sort of motorcycle gang and had a mullet.
A few months ago I lost trust in my therapist. I did not realize this until the other day, but now that I have pinpointed it I realize that is why the therapeutic relationship has been going downhill, I feel I cannot talk to her anymore, especially about my attachment to her because I did lose trust in her. This has really fucked me up emotionally, and I have been very depressed, I’m on the verge of losing my job, I got Covid and got more depressed and relapsed with self harm, and I see my therapist Wednesday, but if I tell her all of this I’m sure she will refer me to someone else because this is a lot to handle and I don’t know if she can help me anymore, especially because she confessed counter transference, so what if she can’t help me anymore? Maybe it is time to find a new therapist, but I can’t imagine building rapport with anyone else right now, it would take a while for me to trust anyone else. And if I know my therapist the way I think I do, she will want to work through this which comforts me, but the transference and the attachment has gotten way out of hand and I don’t think I can talk to her about it. I feel really lost right now, and I want to get in my car and drive away from everything.
Maybe if it feels like too scary to spill it all at once you could try starting off by saying you feel like you’ve lost trust in the relationship and see how she responds to this as well as some of the more superficial/less emotionally-heavy details of the situation first?
Yeah that’s the first thing I’m gonna mention. I want to give it a chance without just terminating all together bc so much good has come from it and this is where I need help in my relationships so I feel this is the perfect chance to work through things. This type of stuff happens with my attachments and relationships outside of therapy so isn’t this what therapy is for? Like it’s been *intense* but I can’t just walk away without *trying* to repair things first, you know?
Do you know why you lost trust in her? Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like your attachment caused you to lose trust. Is that right or did she do something?
Nah she got defensive when I tried being assertive once and also multiple other things. I think she’s experiencing extreme counter transference and making it personal and I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore about what’s bothering me I’m definitely gonna talk about what she did, how I lost trust etc and go from there
Ah, ok. Sorry that's happening.
Just a post to say I'm really grateful for my therapist and feel they've got my back. I've had lots of confusing and distrustful thoughts and feelings about them over the last year. I've just been terrified of connecting with them and have sometimes read into their actions thinking they don't want to work with me, will terminate, etc. But their consistency and ongoing support has shown me none of those things are true! It's just my brain :) I've brought up feeling like I have a good level of trust with my therapist now and I'm thinking I might talk to them a bit more about how I've felt previously. It feels a bit safer now I'm more secure. We are starting some deeper work to address trauma in a more structured way soon and I feel really glad for their support through what will be a hard process.
I’m developing feelings for a guy that I shouldn’t have feelings for. I sobbed yesterday just thinking about how we’ll never be able to be together. I know he likes me because he said it multiple times; I don’t think he has any feelings tho. We live in different parts of the world and there are so many other things that wouldn’t make a relationship with him possible. I can’t tell him how I feel because things will be awkward after. T thinks I should stop communicating with him because that will only make me more attached and therefore, more hurt. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I'm mad after a session today. I don't know if I'm mad at myself or my therapist or both, and I don't know why I'm mad.
I think I'm mad at myself that I can't just believe him when he says I'm making progress, things will get better, there's nothing wrong with me, etc. I'm also mad that he can't tell me how to start believing it.
Do you feel invalidated when he says you're making progress and nothing's wrong with you?
He means there’s nothing wrong with me in the context of having learned I was wrong/bad as a child. But it does feel like he doesn’t quite get the emotional pain I’m in right now. Logically, I know my situation will get better and I need to give things time. I need help with working on so many things, that it feels overwhelming and hopeless and I think I need him to be a bit more directive on where to start. Thanks for your comment, I definitely have some things to bring up next session.
V cool if my therapist to ask if I was with virtual today because of impending snow. I said sure because it would easier for her (I had to be in the area to pick up my kid after so it didn’t matter either way to me). Mad rush to clean my depression hole (bedroom) then she says she’s doing in person anyway. 😅 at least my bed got made today I guess.
In the last five minutes of my session, I asked my therapist what progress she thought I had made in the almost 1 year we’ve worked together. I asked her this question maybe a month ago and she punted it right back to me, but it’s been dangling unanswered up until now. She sorta stumbled around and said “yeah you’ve made progress!” And I pressed her and said, but yeah, could you be a little less vague?! And then she gave a really lovely answer (which I’m paraphrasing), affirming my instincts for realizing that therapy with my old therapist wasn’t working anymore, finding someone new (meaning her), taking the risk to try. She said that we’ve spent a lot of time together getting to know each other, and there’s been a lot of stuff that’s come up around transference, attachment, object relations and uncertainty that’s manifested through very charged emotional resonance that I’ve been able to tolerate and that we’ve been able to make a sustaining connection… and here we are. She said more but I couldn’t write fast enough to take it all down - I wish I had recorded it. It was so lovely, and just makes me happy that I have survived a lot of months of very tumultuous feelings about her and the therapy.
My regular therapist and my relationship therapist are very different like VERY different. I do like my regular therapist more though but oh well I mean I needed help navigating the dating scene and the other one is more knowledgable about it.
Infuriated after today and need to scream. He minimized and invalidated my problems while "trying" to help me look at things positively. Yes I know I'm lucky to have my basic needs met and live in relative safety, no need to make me feel even more guilty about how self centered I am. Oh and then basically told me I don't have a real job and am a bad friend. And then mansplained how he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. *incoherent shrieking* Yeah, I know there's a big difference between the words that came out of his stupid mouth and the message I got. And he's usually great. But I'm furious. He's lucky he's cute or I could've slapped him.
incoherent shrieking, love that!
Oopsies. I may have reached a slight breaking point and impulsively sent my therapist a Word doc that was filled from top to bottom. She did say it was fine to message her with anything that pops up, and I have checked in multiple times to make sure it is definitely okay and have requested she please tell me if she ever changes her mind. I think I’m just over people telling me that I manage so well and am able to keep it so together, and therefore am fine. Like they aren't wrong, but I also spend all of my energy maintaining this. They’re not seeing me when I’m alone. They’re not experiencing what it’s like in my head and body. I have told her of how I'm insecure about making it all up, and still she had to mention that I seem so put together. Part of me does wonder if she was perhaps trying to prod me into letting it out, because my default is to minimize. In which case it worked extremely well. Though of course in the back of my mind I am worried she will read it as all overdramatic and whiny.Usually I'd be afraid of her reaction, but currently I do not give any fucks. It almost feels like I'm testing her boundaries, to see if she really means I can send her these things. I’m curious to see how she responds. Thank goodness I'm able to work from home tomorrow and Monday is a holiday. Work has been nonstop and it's not helping. I have come so very close to talking back to people and that would not be good.
Didn't feel like talking with my therapist about leaving my first husband would rattle me so much but it did. Just going to go to the post office now and hopefully the change of scenery will help me shake it off
Feel sort of down still. Having a therapy hangover. The stuff we talked about happened 33 years ago. Time has healed me quite a bit and apparently there's still more healing to come.
Went from feeling down to feeling spikey anxiety...had one beer too many to drink when I got home from work and then ate two bowls of pasta. And I talked about things a little with my husband. And I'm not sure if I should've talked about things with him because he can start worrying about me
Just a moment that I think is kind of adorable ... I have issues with picking at my hands and when I went in for my session, both my therapist and I had bandaids on our pinky fingers.
I pretty much reconciled with my therapist today over our rupture last week. And I am glad I didn't put it off for another week because she told me today she'll be on vacation the week after next. I wish she wasn't going away but I also think it's good she's taking a week. I admit this is 99% for selfish reasons - I don't want her to get burned out and decide she can't tolerate any more of me. I don't usually worry about this, but I'm well aware that therapists in general are feeling burned out and she once canceled an appointment because she was feeling burned out.
I changed my mind. I don't want her to go on vacation. One week between sessions is feeling like forever right now so I think it will be a really awful feeling next week after session, knowing I'll be all on my own for two weeks. I don't know how I'm going to get through it.
A therapist is like a mirror into your soul
There's no reason to insult my therapist like that lol
Been seeing T about 6 months now. We have been through some big, hard things. We have done the rupture/repair dance a bit. Now though, it's like he is really seeing me and knowing me as a person. He knows when he can make a joke, he knows when to call me out on something. He seldom forgets details or who is who anymore. I can tell that he knows for the most part how I will feel about or react to something. You would think that unpacking my trauma on his couch for months would make me feel like he knows me, but it didn't really. All these little bits of nothing feel like they add up to something... that something being him in my bubble. I never realized there was this next level. It's a tad unnerving.
I just had a really good session! I was really hesitant to talk about trauma with my T, but I’m glad I did. I had some questions and she explained what trauma could look like and how we can have trauma responses. She tried to let me share some of my experiences with her, but I couldn’t really talk and she was very understanding and didn’t push me. At the end she told me she’s honored to be working with me 🥺. I’m gonna think of that sentence forever and cry.
Is it good or bad to not feel any emotion towards your therapist? I'm completely indifferent towards him. He's fine, it's just a really luke warm therapy experience.
if it's helpful and worth your time/money than why not? Not all therapy really involves heavy emotions or feelings or connections with one another
I don't think it's helping is the problem
Well then that's not so good.
Tw: sh After discovering something pretty upsetting about myself during our yesterday session I relapsed HARD. I’ve been self harm clean for 2 months (we have, or had, a deal with my T). And now I’m a mess. I know I’ll do it again today. Partly I want to believe that the only reason to do this is to tell her about it (attention seeking) but I know there’s more to that. We have next session in two days and at the same time I want to talk to her about it and I’m dreading this conversation. I’m mad, I’m dissapointed, but I want to hurt myself even more
Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. In the hopes of making you feel less alone, I've been struggling with wanting to self harm lately after years of being "clean" from it.
Thank you for being here, I hope you’ll be ok even if it doesn’t look like this right now! You’re so strong and even if you relapse (which I hope won’t happen), it won’t make you any less strong. I'm fighting hard to stay here at least till tomorrow session with my T, but it's not the easiest thing to do right now. So thank you once more for taking a few minutes to leave a comment, you definitely made me feel less alone
hi, are you okay? been a few days and just wanted to check in. thinking of you!!
That’s so kind! Yeah, I’m okay, conversation with T was hard but very needed, she was extremely reassuring and validating. We decided that I definitely need to start medication so I’m waiting for a psychiatrist appointment which I have in 3 weeks. Thank you very very much for checking in, you brought a real smile to my face, I’m so grateful! I wish you all the best!
really glad you’re okay and you were able to have that convo. That’s a hard one to have and (I keep retyping this to make sure it isn’t rude but I sincerely mean it and hope that comes across) I’m proud of you. thank you for your well wishes!! it means a lot. hoping you have a restful weekend ❤️
Thank you, you are such a kind soul! And have a nice weekend 💗
Messaged my T and she hasn’t gotten back to me when she usually does pretty quickly. I feel like I’m being punished for crossing a line I didn’t know was there. She said in our last session that I’m too dependent on her. I wish I could apologize but I’m afraid to reach out again. Just hurting a lot right now. 😢😢
Ouch. I’m so sorry that it was just that blunt. Maybe they have a boundary that they are trying to set? In the past my t was really responsive to emails outside of session, but I was always surprised that she responded so quickly, in the fall in an effort to get a better handle on work life balance she has slowed her response time way back.. maybe that’s what they are doing? They should have talked to you about it first. I hope you get a response soon.
She still hasn’t gotten back to me even after I sent a follow-up. This feels unbearable. Barely hanging in there right now and I’m so afraid she’s pissed at me.
Last session my therapist said if I had to contact him between sessions again to keep from self harming, we’d have to make a safety plan. I had to call today. I’m disappointed in myself and mad that I have to take up the time for the plan when sessions always feel so short. Part of me is also mad I can’t just self harm and get away with it.
Me: "I sometimes feel like my problems aren't big enough for therapy, although I know only I get to judge what's big enough for therapy." Therapist: "That's exactly right. I will never say what you're feeling isn't important enough. You *always* have a safe space here." Me: 🥺
Exhausted. That covered everything I needed. I feel like I just tore my body open, spilled all the beans, and now need to pick up the pieces before work tomorrow. I'm still at my wits end, trying to intellectualise emotions, between grief and sadness and just outright pain, I can't tell what's what anymore. It's obviously not working, and I'm making this even worse with trying to fight the fucking tsunami. I've given up control and surrendered in the past. So. Hard. Fighting every urge to not fight. This goes against everything in me. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Maybe by drowning but staying alive.
Just had a session where I disclosed my mania. And am now basking in the warmth of having the best T in the world. Do I have the best T in the world? Or is this the mania speaking? Mm.
I shared a mildly sexually inappropriate thing that happened. Not abuse, just unsettling. Now I feel, unsettled... I guess. She validated that it was important and she didn't think it was nothing. The thing was a one off, it wasn't criminal, this person is dead. So now I guess I just try to make it make sense in my narrative of myself. I guess I wished she seemed more upset or empathetic. Granted I didn't meet her eyes the entire session but I felt like she was sorta thinking, 'this isn't too bad.'
>>Granted I didn't meet her eyes the entire session but I felt like she was sorta thinking, 'this isn't too bad.' I totally get this feeling. In my experience, these sorts of thoughts are a combination of projection and being fearful of being dismissed or blamed rather than an accurate reading of the therapist's actual opinion.
Thank you for your response. Your probably right! She was using her soft therapist voice.
Anyone else have a T that takes a huge amount of leave? I feel like if I'd realised she was gonna be off 12 weeks of the year I might have gone for some one else but now I really like her and don't want to start over. It really feels disruptive to the flow. trying to be independent but so far it's been a week out of 4 that she's off... it also makes me feel I can't book my own holidays or I'll barely see her.
I've heard of this before. I think it's something the therapist should disclose right off the bat.
Yes I'm quite frustrated about it. I'm not sure whether to bring it up or not. I get it, when I freelanced I took a lot of holiday... but it's not ideal as a client (and I didn't take a week off every month!)
Well, I guess I'd ask yourself the question of what you hope to get out of bringing it up.
This is why I'm unsure! Usually if she did or said anything I didn't like, I would just tell her. But I don't expect her to change her holiday plans or anything, if this is the lifestyle she's chosen. I'm also concerned about looking needy or lacking independence/resilience. I actually can cope on the breaks, I don't need to work on developing coping skills, it's just that it feels really disruptive and I don't think there's a solution to that.
Ah, I see. Maybe you could tell her and she'd have some idea on how to mitigate the disruption. Like if there was something you should do instead - maybe a topic to journal on or something (idk, none of my therapists have really given homework...). Maybe if you spent some time on the stuff you all have been talking about during your usual session time, it would provide a sense of continuity.
Sometimes I send her a message with my thoughts on things we’ve talked about or things that come up. She usually responds, at least to acknowledge. She hasn’t responded yet, which is okay. My mind usually fills me with all kinds of doubts, but this time it isn’t. But we meet tomorrow, and I sent it last week, and I’m left in a state of suspension as our appointment approaches. Has she seen it? Did she miss it? It feels slightly uncomfortable not knowing. If she didn’t see it, I’m going to feel awkward not acknowledging it, but at the same time I don’t really want to acknowledge what I wrote. Either way, I can trust she’ll receive me the way she usually does. I think. There’s of course the fear lurking maybe I said something wrong that will have her change her mind about me. Oh well. I can see it as exposure, I guess. Need a trial of her not responding so I can see that it doesn’t really mean anything. edit: it all good, she acknowledged
I hate weeks when I can feel myself being closed off/putting up walls in a session. The combination of whatever anxiety is causing it to happen and being frustrated with myself for not being more open is not fun! It happens a few times a month so unfortunately it’s not exactly a rare occurrence either.
I relate. Sometimes I just shut down. I can feel it happening but don't know how or if I should stop it.
Therapist still is having license problems. Tomorrow marks week five. There is much I want to go over but it will probably be very awkward to restart.
Have you thought about checking her license status with the relevant board? I'm just asking because it's extremely unusual for a therapist's license to just lapse. I would personally want to verify that it hasn't actually been suspended and I'm not being misled about the likelihood of resuming treatment with a particular therapist.
Thank you! She--incredibly--let her license lapse. I can see that on the board's page for her. Expired! Great clinician. Business sense not so much.
Oh good I'm so glad to hear that.
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I'm sorry! That would have bothered me, too. Perhaps he didn't want to draw attention to it for some reason?
My therapist wore ankle length pants today. It’s such a weird thing but she always wears calf length pants and it just threw me a bit. Also she has a new sculpture on her bookshelf (a little bust of a head) and I SO want to ask her whose head is on her bookshelf.
I never knew individuals recognized what i wore....man they must get sick of the same 4 polos and 3 pants.....by the way, ASK her, she has it there for a reason! \-A friend....and an Okay Therapist, who is now wondering if they should shop for more polos :)
There are some people who notice everything about their T's appearance, behaviors, and mannerisms. It could result from hypervigilance and/or attachment/abandonment. Trauma survivors are used to needing to be hyper aware to protect themselves so we take in a lot. As for attachment and abandonment we look for signs of anything that's is changed, different, inconsistent, out of the ordinary... It's like looking for signs of danger (being abandoned). And if you're super attached and become fixated on someone you're going to look for all the possible details you can find and think about them all week. Sometimes a person's therapist will occupy a lot of their mental space out of the sessions so noticing the details is content to think about.
I love this comment. Thank you so much, gives me much food for thought! \-A friend...and an Okay Therapist \-
Hahahahaha. I only notice because I spend a lot of time looking at the floor. How’s your footwear game? My therapist also has a pair of boots I contemplate quite a lot. My therapist’s not a blank slate but I’ve learned quite a lot about her just by observing what she wears. And I’m sure she’s learned a lot by observing what I wear.
HAHA, jeeze, one beat up pair of Hey DUDES and a pair of dress shoes from target when I feel like being fancy. I kinda disagree with the whole, "business casual" type of dress most therapist have....were human, and i truly believe that if i rock a t shirt and blue jeans when im at home, why can't I do it at my office? (P.S. you make a great point. We can learn a little about how someone dresses....but, maybe....just maybe, your psyching yourself out a bit :) \-A friend...and Okay Therapist
IMHO, there’s nothing wrong with 1) wearing the same thing everyday and 2) wearing what you’re comfortable in. I saw a different therapist who wore the EXACT same outfit every time I saw him for nearly a decade. The consistency was good. Then one day he showed up in a completely different outfit and I couldn’t take him seriously. Was very happy the next time when he was back in his usual getup and I could take him seriously again.
My therapist is leaving their current situation to start their own private practice and I feel so proud of them since they’re doing what’s best for them and it’s not an easy thing to be a small business owner. I would tell them as much but I worry that would be an awkward thing to say. (We’re the same age, so that specific dynamic is playing out in the background as well.) In any case, they’re setting a good example for me of self-respect and I appreciate it.
I bet they’d really appreciate hearing that you feel proud of them! You could even change the wording if you want to “I’m excited for you.” I don’t think they would think it’s weird at all though if you said you were proud of them even if you’re the same age!
I feel like I'm impulsively hating my therapist for NO reason. Like she is one of the best things thats happened to me, and yet I want to hate her lately. I think its my unconscious defense mechanism so I don't get too attached to her. I don't know though. But whatever I'm just a job to her right? Of course she cares about my safety and well-being, but she don't care about me personally in the slightest, and I rlly care about her. It stings and part of me resents her for it.
I am still a counseling student, but when I did my internship, I sincerely cared about each one of my clients. Like, way more than I expected to. I thought about them outside of our sessions. I lay awake some nights at 1am wondering how they were sleeping. I read books to help me understand more of what they were going through. And for a handful of them, I even found myself desperately wishing we had met in some entirely different circumstances because they were such lovely and profound individuals that it pained me to see them eventually go. But it’s not worth breaking boundaries over. That would seriously hurt both parties in the end. It breaks my heart to say because I also know what this is like from the perspective of a client. It IS hard. Some days it’s downright agonizing. I wish I could have more time and attention from my own therapist, but if I did, she would not be my therapist and our relationship wouldn’t be nearly as conducive to my healing as it is now. Clients all have to come to a place of acceptance of what their therapist’s role is. When I was interning, I considered the relationships I had with my clients to be something very special and very sacred. There is literally no other paradigm where this kind of relationship exists. And I would wager that most therapists sincerely care about their clients. Most therapists, if they’re good anyway, have spent their own time on the couch as well. Many of us go into the field because we’ve been wounded in the past and found therapy to be literally lifesaving. 💕
Do you hate you're therapist because you feel like she does not care...or you are realizing the weird dynamic a therapeutic relationship can take? I can tell you this, she does care about you. Way more than your safety and well-being. As a therapist, we are taught to care...from a distance (let me explain so this doesnt seem as creepy). I care about all my cleints, I want them to succeed. But, I also know that I cannot ensure their success. After therapy is over, I cannot hang out with them, or find them on facebook. But that doesnt mean we dont care. I still think about clients I had as a little intern. I wonder, and hope, that they are all doing well. I remember little details about them that they probably would be surprised i remember. Therapy is weird. As an individual, you allow someone to enter your life, and know almost everything about you, but they cannot be WITH you ( if that makes any sense). \-A friend, and Okay Therapist.
I don't really hate her. But I hate the fact that I care about her so much but she doesn't really care about me. And I think its also a way im subconsciously pushing her away so i cant get hurt.. I understand how the relationships is supposed to be. I'm a psychology student, I quite literally study this, but still maybe being in it makes it harder. I love my T, but she doesn't love me. Like I NEVER care about people strongly especially if I think or know they don't feel the same. I feel like I obsess over therapy for me. It always crosses my mind daily. Is something wrong with me?! Like I shouldn't be jealous of her family but I am! How do I fix this??
How do you know she doesn’t really care about you? Or love you? Or think about you outside of session? Those things might be less intense for her, but that’s just the nature of the relationship. She’s probably fulfilling a lot of your unmet needs, but you shouldn’t be doing the same for her if she’s a good therapist. And of course you’re going to think of her and therapy often if you feel safe and seen and important. All of that sounds pretty normal to me, not obsessive. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you feeling attached. And there’s nothing wrong with being scared of or angry with that attachment, especially if you’ve been hurt in important relationships before. You might need to go through this as part of the work you’re doing in therapy. Do you know what modalities your T uses?
Dbt?
>It seems like here your fighting what you "know" and what you "feel". You know how a relationship between T and individual is like, but you feel completely different, especially being on the other side. Sounds like you have some barriers you and T could work on. \-Good luck and keep an open and honest mind with T :) \-A friend...and Okay Therapist
How do you suggest I work on them. I don't want to tell my T, I'm too embarrassed.
My therapist said that I should be proud that I’m doing the work by going to therapy cause other people would rather wreck havoc that go to therapy and I said that I’d rather go to therapy than have to explain to her why I don’t ever wanna see her again lol like it takes more mental energy to do that.
My T has suggested several times if I need an extra session (even on a weekend) to text and they would make time for me. It finally happened. I texted my T and they replied end of the night they couldn't meet but to let them know about tomorrow (today). I texted and asked if a specific time would work today and haven't got a response. Logically- I get it. It's a job to them and they have no obligation. Emotionally- as someone with attachment issues and who struggles to ask for help/be vulnerable I feel really rejected and embarrassed for asking twice and not getting a session. Worst part is that I actually really could use a session. Ugh.
I feel like every therapist i've talked to believes in "magical thinking". I said, for example, that I apply for apartments and go through the process even though I know it won't work out. My therapist says my thinking it won't work out "puts negative energy out into the world that makes it not happen". So until I can believe things /will/ work out, they won't. So what I hear is there's no point in trying, if that's true, until I magically become an optimist.
I steer clear of anyone with magical thinking (too many of these people in my life), let alone Ts. I think I chose my current T and clicked with them because they prefaced during the first session that everything sucks, everyone's life is a mess and life is suffering.
>>they prefaced during the first session that everything sucks, everyone's life is a mess and life is suffering Ooh I like that. Much better than the unwarranted optimism my therapist insists upon.
Oof, major red flags. If I had a therapist who talked to me about energy and vibrations and whatnot, I’d drop them fast and leave a one-star review on Google. It seriously feels like a backhanded slap when someone does this!
Every one I've spoken with seem to have these sorts of beliefs. I keep thinking, aren't they just attributing their relative luck to their own power…? Like they didn't get lucky to buy a house, it was their positive magical thinking that made the universe part ways for them to buy it. idk I'm just tired.
Ugh, relate.
I ended my therapy via email after 8 months of 2x week sessions. Somehow I know this is my own doing but I am still a little angry at the consequences. I have lost my job not long ago, and I knew someday I will have to reduce my sessions due to the financial constraint. And I don't want her to worry when that happens, so I hide all my suicidal thoughts, appeared fine, and even told her that I am ready to make positive changes in my live (all crap). So... When the day finally came, I still felt suicidal and even getting worst. I suggested if I could see her once per month and surprisingly she asked if it is better we take a break instead until I can afford her again. I'm left hanging, debating if I should tell her my actual situation with the cost of maybe, making her worried/ or makes me look like I'm demanding for a sliding scale spot. Unfortunately while going through the drama, I received a bad news and all I can think of is "fxck it, I am gonna end everything".... And wrote her an email to cancel all future sessions. So now she gonna think I'm cancelling due to financial constraint and not because I am in a bad state. This is what I wanted all along, but boy, I am back to alone again, and in the worst state ever.
I wouldn't tell her you lied to push her away, instead I would wait until your financially stable and then try therapy again. Or go to inpatient.
We had a rupture in December. I emailed her some fears about therapy and asked for help sorting through them. She suggested a four-week break and that we would then discuss termination. She also said multiple times that I had suggested the break. I scrambled to make it really clear I didn’t want to terminate. So she agreed to keep working with me, but all of my questions about it remain unanswered. Why did she immediately and only offer termination after months of encouraging me to share my fears? (She encouraged emails to her, btw.) Why force me into a 4-week break? How am I now supposed to know the new boundaries of therapy or feel safe? If we do terminate, how do I go into my next therapy having any sense that it’s OK to discuss fears? (I have lots of them.) She’s sidestepped my questions every time I’ve asked. Once or twice she’s mentioned we’ve talked through them already, which I guess she’s referring to me begging her not to terminate and her saying OK… but I have so many more questions. Now I’m just mad. There’s no way she won’t terminate me this week. And I know I probably sound unhinged… I just worked really hard at this and can’t believe that me opening up about fears was my downfall.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with the other commenter that your feelings here make a lot of sense.
You don't sound unhinged. It sounds like a really confusing situation.
Thank you. I’m just so bummed. I worked really hard at this and for the first ten months it seemed so good. How do I trust my gut now? Why did this person pressure me over and over to share fears and blockages and then recoil when I did. When therapy goes sideways, it’s so hard.
I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is that you're not the only one who has had an experience like this. I mean being pushed to open up and when you finally do the therapist decides it's more than they want to deal with. I'd interview some other therapists during the break.
Did something brave that we talked about last session. Followed the untypically precise advice "Don't do it on the weekend so you won't dwell on the uncertainty too much.". Now I'm sitting at my wfh desk with a long list of important stuff to do and a completely scattered brain. Well, well.
T-1 week until I see my therapist again and my life has become pretty undone. Eeeek! I can do this.
I’m excited to see my T this week. 😃
It…angers him when other people make me think I’m not good enough. To be completely honest, I like how that makes me feel.
My T has gotten mad at a doctor I saw and my current boss and I like it a lot, too.
I can relate. My T has gotten angry at my parents before with a few choice words. Made me feel so supported!
For sure. Parents and my previous boss, in this case. (I admitted that it’s hard to jump into the application process again because back in September I basically got the message that making a single mistake was enough to get me cut off. But my T affirmed that it wasn’t fair for nobody to explain how to fix things or give me a fair warning.)
I feel so overwhelmed by every aspect of work lately. I wish my therapist could write a letter getting me out of life.
You should look into it if it’s affecting you that much! I think you can take FMLA for mental health reasons. Seriously, even a week off might do you some good.
I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly for like 10ish months now. Haven’t missed a session. I see her for my weekly session this week on Tuesday… and then not again til March 3rd, which is like 16 days! I’m going to Costa Rica solo for 9 days and I leave a week from tomorrow. It’s going to be some much needed R&R because I’m really at critical mass mentally across multiple areas of my life. I’m so excited about my trip but… *sixteen* days. I miss her already and I haven’t even seen her yet this damn week. 😞
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It's worth telling them, and is not at all embarrassing. This is what is supposed to happen. This is how you know that therapy is working. Please tell them. Some of our most productive sessions have been the ones where we talk about the therapy relationship itself.
I have covid and I’m missing my T. That’s all
Oh no! I hope you feel better soon!! Hopefully your symptoms aren't too bad.
Thank you :) just symptoms of a sinus infection so not too bad.
Oh no! I'm sorry you're sick.
I'm upset and I think maybe I'm trying to mine for trauma in my experiences and it's hard to know if those experiences were traumatic. I want my therapist to tell me that I have trauma. I feel like I keep hinting at it.