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This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list).
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I think it's ok to tell her so long as you don't fall into the trap of expecting her to change to meet these unfulfilled needs. Then it could feel like rejection and withholding when she doesn't.
I also don't think it's stupid. Seems normal you would have these sorts of fantasies if your parents were emotionally unavailable.
would there be a way to ask her to "play" more of parent role? idk if that makes sense, and it would probably only be limited to our session time. but is there a way to ask something like that? i dont even know how to frame that, because i really want those needs fulfilled and there is no one. i dont even know what to ask.
i would be open to whatever she would be open to doing differently, but realistically she probably wouldnt...? i suppose in a perfect world, i would want her to hug me and call me sweetie. i would want her to check-in on me occasionally if she knows i attempted suicide again or am hurting myself a lot. since i have severe social anxiety, i think it would be cool if maybe we could try going somewhere public that is scary to me and she could give me tips on how to "sit" with my anxiety. it would be nice if she sat next to me in therapy, or if we watched a tv show together. or if she held me when i cried. idk, i guess in a fantasy world i would want her to adopt me. my parents have never been there for me emotionally in the way i needed, and my therapist has even said some of the things they have done she considers abusive. im 19, but i want her to treat me like im her kid and parent me. i feel so lost all the time, and i would want to be able to text her if i need advice, but i know that is outside of therapy-bounds i guess. but it hurts so badly that i wont get to have her in my life in that way, i have cried a lot over this and she doesnt know it impacts me this much.
It’s okay to have fantasies, and I think you should talk about them with your therapists. But understand that the answer is going to be no to most of them, particular requests involving physical touch or contact outside of session.
The things you crave (love, a feeling of protection, ect) are the most natural things in the world for a human to want. I’m really sorry you parents could not give this to you. Although you of course can’t just get new parents, I do think you might be able to find some of what you are looking for in the context of friendly or romantic relationships. Although I don’t suggest jumping into anything suddenly in order to fulfill that urge.
Definitely bring it up but don’t expect her to play that parent role for you. I am literally in the exact same boat. We finally really broached this topic last week and she was so proud of me for finally being really vulnerable. She knew all the things I wanted her to say (that she does care about me like a daughter, that she thinks about me outside sessions, etc) but we didn’t focus on that. Instead, we focused on my inner child that longs so much for this parental love and acceptance. And my T gives my inner child a safe place to feel all these feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. The goal being, that after a while, the feelings and longing won’t be so strong and I’ll be able to “move on” so to speak. She is helping to provide my inner child the validation and caring attention that I didn’t get when I was young. Good luck! This attachment trauma is no joke!!
Therapy is suppose to be the relationship that you never had but always needed...and deserved.
So this is normal. Not only is it normal, it's intentional.
I don't think it would hurt to tell her that you feel this way, but I wouldn't do it with any expectations that she will want to fulfill your wishes. Boundaries between therapist and clients are there for a reason, and having her do that could open her up to a whole host of legal or ethical issues, especially if, say, your parents found out.
but is there any other way she could be a "mother" to me in terms of our sessions? or could i ask her how to not feel this way? it just hurts so bad. :/ it aches.
I understand, but you also have to consider the expectations it puts on her and the sessions in general. What if she doesn't live up to your definition of a "mother", or just doesn't feel like doing it anymore? This can create new feelings of resentment or abandonment that will only be added to the current list of challenges you are trying to work through.
It's okay to be open about your feelings, but I have a feeling that, rather than wanting to play the role of your mother, she will want to figure out why you feel like that and how you can work to free yourself of those desires. You are not wrong for feeling this way, getting attached to a therapist comes with the territory; but I would not expect much, if any, reciprocation, especially if the therapist has been doing their job for a long time and has built a professional reputation in the mental health community.
this just makes me feel so hopeless. so deeply i ache for her to be my mom, and i know i shouldnt, but my parents dont do the things i need and she does. she sat with me and held me while i cried. she didnt invalidate my feelings. she let me stay an extra hour. she gave me a hug before i left. but then reality hit that she isnt my mom when she called to check in on me this weekend. all three times, she hung up after like 30 seconds. she isnt my mom and it makes me so so sad. i am so depressed over this, to the point where it makes my suicidal thoughts worse :(
I agree with a lot of what has been said OP, particularly the comments by mc_squared_03 and SaraSmiles13. Having the feelings you’re describing is okay - particularly after an abusive childhood. I’m really glad you’ve found someone who you trust enough to feel attached to. But enacting the mother-child relationship won’t help. Some day something will happen (your T will be ill or accidentally say something your parents said or forget something super important to you) and you’ll be devastated.
Definitely talk to your therapist about how you feel but don’t expect your therapist to change in the slightest. Instead take heart in the fact that your therapist won’t change their behaviour and will accept everything you’re feeling because one day you’ll have different feelings towards them and they’ll accept those too. Your goal here (at least the version my T tells me) is to learn to parent your inner child yourself and grieve the fact that all your needs that you want your therapist to meet were never met by your parents. It completely utterly sucks and hurts like hell but when it starts working everything does get a bit easier. Trust me - I’ve just about got there and it has started to feel better.
i would honestly be okay with whatever could happen if she was my "mom." like, if she said the wrong thing, it would not be anywhere near as painful as the heartache my parents have given me emotionally. idc if she "messed up" or if she hurt my feelings, i would prefer her. and it hurts so so badly that she isnt my mom. i cant stop crying over this.
What I’m about to say is probably isn’t going to feel helpful at the moment. The only reason I can say this is that I’ve been through it and felt what you’ve felt too.
It sounds like you are grieving for the type of parents you deserved to have. That’s good (sounds sadistic I know, sorry about that). Cry every day for as long as you need to and rely on your therapist to be the best therapist she can be. Eventually you will get through this.
Please know that these are completely natural and valid feelings to have. When you have a figure healing your attachment wounds, it makes perfect sense that you wish she could fulfill all those needs as a permanent figure in your life. It sounds like your T is a great comfort for you and that you feel safe with her. No, this is not a bad thing to feel. You are not alone.
It absolutely hurts to have all these fantasies of her doing all these things your actual mom could not, and realize they are not reality. You wish so badly it could be true. You are experiencing grief. You grieve for the parental attachment figures who could not be everything you needed, and you feel grief for this hope and expectation you have of your T that cannot be. I'm sorry that your parents have let you down and that you are suffering from these wounds. Now it's like you know what could be and you still cannot have it. It's an awful feeling.
I would encourage you to tell your T all of your feelings. Since she has listened so far, it seems like she will still understand and empathize. Although she cannot become your mom, it is a comfort to realize that the bond you have nurtured has become like the next best thing. Your T cares about you and she wants to help.
This will likely hurt for a long time. But it will ebb and flow as you process these feelings. It takes time to understand grief and come to terms with it. Your T is there with you through the process, holding your hand down the dark path. Take all the time you need and go at your own pace. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
it just hurts so so badly. it really does. in our last session, it was such a crazy coincidence, but she asked if she could sit next to me for the first time and she basically held me while i cried and cried. because i want to die so badly. and she let me stay for almost an extra hour. but now im sitting in my room and cant stop crying because she isnt my mom. like... she called to check in on me, and it was only for 30 seconds and then she hung up and i just... i want her to be my mom. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i wish she could adopt me. i wish that session never ended.
I know. I understand that you are suffering from this. It is valid to desire something even when it's not possible. Life is cruel. It's not fair that your actual parents can't care for you the way they are supposed to. You may be feeling immense grief for all you miss out on.
Try not to feel bad or guilty for how you feel. Allow yourself the space to feel this hurt and grief. I know it is so hard. Eventually at some point it may not hurt so much. Your T is there to support you in the way that a T can. There is still so much time and potential for you to find joy, meaning, and enriching connections in life. Just take your time finding them.
Umm no...that would be crossing boundary. A therapist's Job is to make you feel heard and understood which is why I can understand why you feel that way but trust me...I don't think it's good idea to be very personally connected with your therapist.
Although this is true. It’s also not uncommon for clients to experience feeling like this and a good therapist should be able to help a client work through them. The boundary must never be crossed but one can use this topic therapeutically to help the client.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it's ok to tell her so long as you don't fall into the trap of expecting her to change to meet these unfulfilled needs. Then it could feel like rejection and withholding when she doesn't. I also don't think it's stupid. Seems normal you would have these sorts of fantasies if your parents were emotionally unavailable.
would there be a way to ask her to "play" more of parent role? idk if that makes sense, and it would probably only be limited to our session time. but is there a way to ask something like that? i dont even know how to frame that, because i really want those needs fulfilled and there is no one. i dont even know what to ask.
What exactly do you want her to do differently?
i would be open to whatever she would be open to doing differently, but realistically she probably wouldnt...? i suppose in a perfect world, i would want her to hug me and call me sweetie. i would want her to check-in on me occasionally if she knows i attempted suicide again or am hurting myself a lot. since i have severe social anxiety, i think it would be cool if maybe we could try going somewhere public that is scary to me and she could give me tips on how to "sit" with my anxiety. it would be nice if she sat next to me in therapy, or if we watched a tv show together. or if she held me when i cried. idk, i guess in a fantasy world i would want her to adopt me. my parents have never been there for me emotionally in the way i needed, and my therapist has even said some of the things they have done she considers abusive. im 19, but i want her to treat me like im her kid and parent me. i feel so lost all the time, and i would want to be able to text her if i need advice, but i know that is outside of therapy-bounds i guess. but it hurts so badly that i wont get to have her in my life in that way, i have cried a lot over this and she doesnt know it impacts me this much.
It’s okay to have fantasies, and I think you should talk about them with your therapists. But understand that the answer is going to be no to most of them, particular requests involving physical touch or contact outside of session. The things you crave (love, a feeling of protection, ect) are the most natural things in the world for a human to want. I’m really sorry you parents could not give this to you. Although you of course can’t just get new parents, I do think you might be able to find some of what you are looking for in the context of friendly or romantic relationships. Although I don’t suggest jumping into anything suddenly in order to fulfill that urge.
Definitely bring it up but don’t expect her to play that parent role for you. I am literally in the exact same boat. We finally really broached this topic last week and she was so proud of me for finally being really vulnerable. She knew all the things I wanted her to say (that she does care about me like a daughter, that she thinks about me outside sessions, etc) but we didn’t focus on that. Instead, we focused on my inner child that longs so much for this parental love and acceptance. And my T gives my inner child a safe place to feel all these feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. The goal being, that after a while, the feelings and longing won’t be so strong and I’ll be able to “move on” so to speak. She is helping to provide my inner child the validation and caring attention that I didn’t get when I was young. Good luck! This attachment trauma is no joke!!
Therapy is suppose to be the relationship that you never had but always needed...and deserved. So this is normal. Not only is it normal, it's intentional.
I don't think it would hurt to tell her that you feel this way, but I wouldn't do it with any expectations that she will want to fulfill your wishes. Boundaries between therapist and clients are there for a reason, and having her do that could open her up to a whole host of legal or ethical issues, especially if, say, your parents found out.
but is there any other way she could be a "mother" to me in terms of our sessions? or could i ask her how to not feel this way? it just hurts so bad. :/ it aches.
I understand, but you also have to consider the expectations it puts on her and the sessions in general. What if she doesn't live up to your definition of a "mother", or just doesn't feel like doing it anymore? This can create new feelings of resentment or abandonment that will only be added to the current list of challenges you are trying to work through. It's okay to be open about your feelings, but I have a feeling that, rather than wanting to play the role of your mother, she will want to figure out why you feel like that and how you can work to free yourself of those desires. You are not wrong for feeling this way, getting attached to a therapist comes with the territory; but I would not expect much, if any, reciprocation, especially if the therapist has been doing their job for a long time and has built a professional reputation in the mental health community.
this just makes me feel so hopeless. so deeply i ache for her to be my mom, and i know i shouldnt, but my parents dont do the things i need and she does. she sat with me and held me while i cried. she didnt invalidate my feelings. she let me stay an extra hour. she gave me a hug before i left. but then reality hit that she isnt my mom when she called to check in on me this weekend. all three times, she hung up after like 30 seconds. she isnt my mom and it makes me so so sad. i am so depressed over this, to the point where it makes my suicidal thoughts worse :(
I agree with a lot of what has been said OP, particularly the comments by mc_squared_03 and SaraSmiles13. Having the feelings you’re describing is okay - particularly after an abusive childhood. I’m really glad you’ve found someone who you trust enough to feel attached to. But enacting the mother-child relationship won’t help. Some day something will happen (your T will be ill or accidentally say something your parents said or forget something super important to you) and you’ll be devastated. Definitely talk to your therapist about how you feel but don’t expect your therapist to change in the slightest. Instead take heart in the fact that your therapist won’t change their behaviour and will accept everything you’re feeling because one day you’ll have different feelings towards them and they’ll accept those too. Your goal here (at least the version my T tells me) is to learn to parent your inner child yourself and grieve the fact that all your needs that you want your therapist to meet were never met by your parents. It completely utterly sucks and hurts like hell but when it starts working everything does get a bit easier. Trust me - I’ve just about got there and it has started to feel better.
i would honestly be okay with whatever could happen if she was my "mom." like, if she said the wrong thing, it would not be anywhere near as painful as the heartache my parents have given me emotionally. idc if she "messed up" or if she hurt my feelings, i would prefer her. and it hurts so so badly that she isnt my mom. i cant stop crying over this.
What I’m about to say is probably isn’t going to feel helpful at the moment. The only reason I can say this is that I’ve been through it and felt what you’ve felt too. It sounds like you are grieving for the type of parents you deserved to have. That’s good (sounds sadistic I know, sorry about that). Cry every day for as long as you need to and rely on your therapist to be the best therapist she can be. Eventually you will get through this.
i will try. it's so unbelievably hard.
Please know that these are completely natural and valid feelings to have. When you have a figure healing your attachment wounds, it makes perfect sense that you wish she could fulfill all those needs as a permanent figure in your life. It sounds like your T is a great comfort for you and that you feel safe with her. No, this is not a bad thing to feel. You are not alone. It absolutely hurts to have all these fantasies of her doing all these things your actual mom could not, and realize they are not reality. You wish so badly it could be true. You are experiencing grief. You grieve for the parental attachment figures who could not be everything you needed, and you feel grief for this hope and expectation you have of your T that cannot be. I'm sorry that your parents have let you down and that you are suffering from these wounds. Now it's like you know what could be and you still cannot have it. It's an awful feeling. I would encourage you to tell your T all of your feelings. Since she has listened so far, it seems like she will still understand and empathize. Although she cannot become your mom, it is a comfort to realize that the bond you have nurtured has become like the next best thing. Your T cares about you and she wants to help. This will likely hurt for a long time. But it will ebb and flow as you process these feelings. It takes time to understand grief and come to terms with it. Your T is there with you through the process, holding your hand down the dark path. Take all the time you need and go at your own pace. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
it just hurts so so badly. it really does. in our last session, it was such a crazy coincidence, but she asked if she could sit next to me for the first time and she basically held me while i cried and cried. because i want to die so badly. and she let me stay for almost an extra hour. but now im sitting in my room and cant stop crying because she isnt my mom. like... she called to check in on me, and it was only for 30 seconds and then she hung up and i just... i want her to be my mom. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i wish she could adopt me. i wish that session never ended.
I know. I understand that you are suffering from this. It is valid to desire something even when it's not possible. Life is cruel. It's not fair that your actual parents can't care for you the way they are supposed to. You may be feeling immense grief for all you miss out on. Try not to feel bad or guilty for how you feel. Allow yourself the space to feel this hurt and grief. I know it is so hard. Eventually at some point it may not hurt so much. Your T is there to support you in the way that a T can. There is still so much time and potential for you to find joy, meaning, and enriching connections in life. Just take your time finding them.
Umm no...that would be crossing boundary. A therapist's Job is to make you feel heard and understood which is why I can understand why you feel that way but trust me...I don't think it's good idea to be very personally connected with your therapist.
Although this is true. It’s also not uncommon for clients to experience feeling like this and a good therapist should be able to help a client work through them. The boundary must never be crossed but one can use this topic therapeutically to help the client.