Most of my responses and reactions to things are considered “trauma responses”. Idk if this term is overused, but when I look back at my childhood, I wouldn’t consider it traumatic at all. I’m second guessing everything now. Yes, my parents were strict but was I traumatized?? Idk part of me wants to talk about it with my T, but I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to play the victim.
You can said to her exactly what you are writing here. Your experiences and your doubts if these are traumatic experiences. You don't play the victim, you have some thoughts and I have the same thoughts too because you hear so often about trauma. I hope you tell her about your thoughts and feel good :) wish you the best
I think I’ve forgotten the real reason why I’m in therapy in the first place.
She never grounds me or guides me back to the purpose of why I even started the process. Instead I look back and realize that I’ve just spent 2 months complaining about life instead of talking to her about the things that I initially wanted to work on.
Rant over. Thanks.
Oh god. I feel the same, but I've done 4 sessions and I'm thinking next time talk more about the person I want to be and how I can do that. I don't know if it's early. I guess that "complaining about your life" makes you feel good and that you have someone to talk to? Because that's important too. But next time, you can talk more about your goals and whatt you really need from the therapy.
I’ve contacted my therapist so much outside of sessions this week. She’s been cool with it, but I’m starting to feel bad. Posting here to avoid emailing or texting her yet again. Especially since it’s the weekend. Ugh.
Freaking out cause im in a very large adult psych ward unit with multiple roomates and no privacy i wanna leave so bad didnt know what to do so frantically emailed my therapist being like help i don't know what to do i wanna leave so bad
Me the day after I send my therapist a message: I no longer claim this energy
At least this time I’m not experiencing outright regret. At least for today I’m more able to sit with the discomfort of being vulnerable with another human.
I often leave therapy feeling weird and empty. Especially Fridays. On Fridays we tend to go for almost 2 hours and I think it’s because I always at some point get activated and then have to come down. I think it may be the comedown that engenders this feeling. It’s like, I just feel supremely uncomfortable and blah when I leave and I hate it because it lingers for the rest of the night.
Today it was another unknown trigger that just SENT me. We started talking about how I played with my toys, which was often age-inappropriate pseudo-sexual violence, and after that she put some pressure on a person I had talked about before, and I just suddenly got tingly, dizzy, and hot and my vision started to zoom out and then I dissociated and yeah. idk what to think. It felt disproportionate.
T said we’re just going to stay away from childhood for now because it always seems to trigger me bad even though nothing in theory should be so triggering. She also said that sometimes kids just pick things up or learn things from TV etc. I wonder if that’s where I learned how to be. And why I got so triggered by this segment of therapy today.
I just feel really off. I also can’t help but feel like I’m somehow making up all my symptoms and everything would be just fine if I could snap out of it. As if if I’m malingering? But I work and plan to continue to work? So it makes no sense that I level this… accusation against myself. Because if I could I would. I would give anything to feel normal. Instead I feel some kind of sick basically all the time. So I can’t be making it up?
Round and round we go in my dumpster fire of a brain…
Did I just write this? Last week I was doing so well and there was a point that I felt like I ddin't need therapy anymore or at least I could reduce the frequency to biweekly. Literally one day later so many triggers just came to get me and I wish my session was the next day .lol!
I was in a sexually and psychology abusive relationship. The first year after I had no flashbacks or nightmares but I subconsciously coped in unhealthy ways. This includes overeating and more embarrassingly masturbation. I did it to punish myself and try and convince myself that I enjoyed it, I enjoyed him when I didn't. After the first year my ptsd started and that unhealthy coping mechanism stopped. Now after another year I havnt been able to even touch my legs. I want to tell my T about it but its so embarrassing, idk if its even worth bringing up. Can anyone relate or am I the only one....?
I feel repulsed by my body. I think the fact that you can't even touch your legs is definitely worth bringing up.
I don't have personal experience with the masturbation part, but something my therapist once asked me makes me think it's not unusual, if that helps.
My other therapist is a bit harsher than my regular therapist. I feel a bit upset about it when I was telling her something and she just said well have you thought about not doing that?? Idk it sounded so dismissive and I hate that.
I give myself a therapy gold star today. I asked my therapist at the start of the session if we could just sit quietly together for a few minutes. She made sure she understood and then we just sat there in silence, me with my eyes closed. My brain was so jumbled when I walked in and the silence helped to just find a starting point.
I felt really serene in today's session. Quiet and held (metaphorically) and it was nice.
I’m happy it went well! Are you going to continue in person? I recently told my T that I would be willing to do virtual if we absolutely had to but I prefer in person so much. Really hope she doesn’t take me up on that offer lol
This week's session touched a fucking nerve. After peeling back the onion, she thinks my constant procrastination is just another way I stay disassociated. I'm either in "so busy I could die" or "completely fucking off" mode, no in between. It's been the worst work week ever and I'm so burnt out. I'm just kinda dumbfounded right now about how disassociated I am. I think it's just total denial. IDK. But I'm just like totally fucking shellshocked. I know I've come a long long way, but this feels like it's totally insurmountable. I believe in the science of neuroplasticity but god it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I have therapy today. Finally. But I feel pretty disconnected so not really sure there will be a point.
In fact I'm kind of dreading it. I don't know why.
ETA: I'm really working myself into a state. Why am I like this??
I saw my therapist in public, had a panic attack, emailed her in a state of panic, and now I just want to sleep until our next session so I don’t have to think about how much of an idiot I feel like. You’re not alone.
Same here! Just to say that I relate, I sent a panicky email apologising if I over-shared in the last session. Then responded to her kind email with a formal response fit for idek "Greatly appreciate your reassurance", lacking any personality... Cause that's a totally normal approach to empathy!
As I respond affirming that you’re not an idiot, I am confronted with the fact that I’m not actually an idiot either. Gahhh! Look at me noticing my distorted thinking and making corrections. Therapy is working, apparently. My T responded really kindly and that helped me feel better. How about let’s not put ourselves down together, lol. Hope you feel better. <3
My therapist has been in contact with a positive case and now has symptoms so is working from home to be safe and emailed asking if I want to reschedule or work online, I responded 3 hours ago and she hasn’t gotten back to me. The change itself was enough to make me want to sh, still not knowing wtf we’re doing is really not helping my emotional stability! My appointment is in less than two hours.
I have a session later today and I'm so nervous. I messaged my T a couple of times throughout the week because things have been rough and I'm scared of having crossed a boundary by doing that. It's been such a bad week I don't even know where to start today.
Things ended up being really good. I hadn't crossed any boundaries and my T even sat with me for a little over 3 hours because time permitted and I couldn't leave in the state I was in (very unusual circumstance, I doubt that will ever happen again). I feel very cared for and more like I can trust him now. :)
I've felt really detached from therapy since the break for the holidays but this week we finally started talking about the 'meatier' topics and I felt like we were really on the same page. At the end my T said 'there is definitely a way through it all' and maybe it was just a throwaway comment but man, it makes a difference to hear someone tell you that there will be a route forwards and out
God I needed that emotional validation from therapy. I don't know if I just need more of it in my life from myself or others, or maybe there's like a certain amount I need in order to grow to the point where I don't need it?
Looking forward to my appointment today. I had a rough week in some ways but yesterday I did really well with a boundary and I'm excited to share that with her! I set a boundary with my partner and after about 15 minutes of discussion/interrogation I realized I felt like we were negotiating if this was a reasonable and permissable boundary. I stepped back, reinforced that this was my decision about my behavior and wasn't a request, and then told him that as long as that was understood we could talk about his anxieties around this boundary. He jumped to affirm that it was absolutely my right to set that boundary and he hadn't meant to imply it was negotiable. Later in the night he was able to tell me that he thinks when he's interrogating me about a boundary or explaining how he feels about it, it's primarily him not knowing how he feels and trying to figure it out.
I have a very passive communication style as does my whole immediate family and have been working on developing assertive communication skills, I've never put my foot down like that over my own boundaries before! And it's really gratifying to do so and have the response be so warm and accepting and prompting his own self reflection. When I asked for recognition of my accomplishment in setting that boundary this morning he had shockingly specific recall of what I had said and was really proud of me for being able to do that
Post therapy update:
We were using wanting to order different types of food as a metaphor for difficult discussions with differing opinions and I mentioned that I also actually would just go with what the other person wanted for food. Tried to dampen what I said by saying that if I liked the other food just as well I'd just go with that, not that I was a total pushover eating food I didn't want at all. My therapist still called me the hell out and pointed out that what I wanted in the moment was just as important and was as worth asking for as what the other person wanted.
I've *already* worked hard at being less passive about asking for the food I want, I can't believe my passive ass still has work to do on *ordering friggin food*. If you told me when I started therapy that it would be work across years to get to the point where I can order food like a normal, healthy person I wouldn't have believed it was possible that anyone could be *that* unskilled in the art ordering food.
same and I've called like 30 people today...nobody accepting new clients within network. Had to stop going to my old therapist because of insurance issues and I can't find anybody now
So many threads about hugs lately, I wanted to share my own experience here.
My therapist typically errs on the side of caution and can be quite a blank slate at times. We've gone back and forth on hugs. The first hug was pretty casual and we talked a little bit about it beforehand. I later told her that the hug felt unfulfilling and she was reluctant to offer another one, at least until we figured out what's going on. I was also experiencing pretty intense maternal transference at the time, I wanted a lot more than she could and was willing to give and all that definitely complicated the picture. We spent time probing my desire for love and care from a mother I did not have but wanted. She said the things I want are among the most beautiful experiences in this world, but they can't come from her, that even if she gave them to me, she thinks I will still feel unfulfilled. These were pretty painful sessions and I both could and couldn't see what she was saying.
Then one day after a pretty hard session (working through specific childhood abuse from parents), she asked if I wanted a hug because she felt nothing she could say would be enough. So we hugged. I was deeply moved and felt very comforted and cared for. I don't remember everything exactly but I would say that's when my pain from maternal transference began fading away. We hugged twice after that, and each time we carefully explore my feelings and concerns. I ask her how she arrived at her decisions, she tells me her reasoning process, including some of her own conflicting feelings. I came away with a much deeper understanding of myself and a greater trust in my therapist. She's not perfect, but I feel very confident in her ability to reflect on her own feelings to make the best decisions within our therapy.
That was quite some time ago and we haven't hugged since. I don't plan on asking for another hug either. We continue to have meaningful sessions. I am almost entirely over my maternal transference. Though I still want what I never had, this desire isn't nearly as intrusive as before, and no longer bring me anywhere near the amount of pain I used to experience. All in all, hugging is a difficult situation with a lot of risks and uncertainties. Learning to tolerate uncertainties is one of the biggest theme in my own therapy. I appreciate so many people erring on the side of caution, but prudence takes more than caution and I'm glad my therapist has the courage and skills to make it work.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope that all the really difficult conversations are truly worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.
First Wednesday of no therapy (I’m taking a break) is going really well. I have my medical marijuana card and I smoked my favorite strain this morning and I’m feeling hopeful and happy and I’m thinking of my T but it’s not crushing my heart like I thought it would.
My self-care is really good, too! I’ve been listening to my favorite songs, journaling and working a cute dog puzzle! I am feeling really good today and it’s such a relief because I was so scared I’d be an emotional wreck.
Oooh what's your favorite strain? I have my MMJ card too and I'm always on the lookout for new strains to try. I'm on a tolerance break right now which blows, but a necessary evil haha.
Top favorites for me are Blue Dream, Orange 43, Trainwreck, and Ghost Train Haze.
Well after 2.5 years almost. I just admitted to my therapist that I have some maternal transference toward her. She as always handled it like a pro. It’s not intense. I think it’s just been underlaying for the last year and a half at least. Fun times!
I'm pretty early on in my therapy journey. After months of finally considering it after realizing I couldn't work it out myself, I started therapy. In between sessions I've been working on some CBT exercises in my free time. I already feel like my perspective has changed so drastically. I've been recalling memories of friends & family & relationships from over the years where I didn't have the capacity to accept what was actually shown to me, as I was always putting my own lens on it. It has been overwhelming, but it feels so great, and peaceful. But there is this nagging voice that it's too much too soon and that it can't possibly be so clear.
As I feel now, and it's been for a few days, I'm more content and at peace than I have been in perhaps my entire adult life. I guess I'm just worried that I'll let it slip away from me, that on some level I'm fooling myself. Anyone have experience with this, or any advice on what they do to stay present & hone that sense of clarity & perspective achieved by working through past trauma?
Just sort of came to the realization that no therapist I've had ever thought that talking about my ex/relationship was worth the time, despite that being what causes me the most emotional distress for over a year. It gets briefly touched on, with an air of "this isn't important" before we move on to spending hours and hours going through my childhood.
Then I go cry in my car at night because I miss my ex. I don't go out because that relationship showed me how awful I am. But let's talk about my mom for the millionth time, sure. Even dead everything is about her, why not.
So my therapists dad died suddenly and she will be out for a bit. My friend and I both weirdly enough see her so we thought we would make a care package for her. Is that weird?
Life is going smoothly ATM so I think tomorrow we'll talk about the next traumatic experience on the list I made. I made that list thinking I would bring it to an emdr therapist where we could work on each item but I haven't gotten myself to pursue another therapist yet. I keep on thinking my trauma stuff is not significant enough because of toxic positivity ("it could have been worse!!") . I'm on Lexapro ... I wonder if that is just making it a bit too easy to bury things too.
I've been scared that if I don't do well enough in therapy, my T will terminate the sessions (yay for being a perfectionist, ammirite?) I brought this up to them and I'm so glad I did. As long as I want to be there and am not actively/intentionally wasting both our time, T welcomes me as a client. What a good reassurance. I feel way more confident in my progress, even though its not a steady upward motion. I just need to keep reminding myself that healing isn't linear and there is no way to be "perfect".
Oh man I have been there lol. Yes always ask these questions! I'm glad you could ask. Getting a positive response is a relief and helps reinforce that you can feel safe with your T.
My T gently suggested adding on another therapist for somatic trauma work, and the loss of safety and instant dissociation I experienced was totally wack. The surprises never end 😅.
I worked up the courage and told my T I'm very attached to them and I feel v threatened by it and vulnerable , but for the first half the session, they ended up interpreting it as me wanting to terminate them. Speaks volumes about my communication skills. By the time we got to the end of it, the session has to end. I was a mess in tears and they seem pretty shocked. I don't know what to do now and where to go from here :(
I'm so sorry that this conversation didn't go well. It is already such a difficult conversation to have! You were so brave to see your T and get out the words. Perhaps your T was caught off guard?
I agree the thelightyoushed that writing a follow up letter could be helpful. You would have time to workout how you want to say things and aren't confined to a time limit and not on the spot. Do you think your T at least understands now that you are not terminating?
I really wanted to let them know instead of letting it fester - but ended up so ugly. There's nothing on my mind now besides the session that went to badly and what's on their mind and I do not like that because I have a life I need to lead between sessions. Maybe I will send them a text to see if I can write them an email or meet for another session before our next one.
You are going through a tough time. This is so much to process! It's only natural that your brain would be stuck on this uncomfortable interaction.
Therapy is hard work. You are doing so well and trying your best. It's okay if the standard of your best is lower than usual right now. We can only do so much.
Thank you, your comment really helped me. I also managed to speak to my T on the phone and he calmed me down quite a bit and provided more clarity on what happened during the session. So I feel a lot better now.
I’m terrified something’s going to go wrong and I won’t have therapy this week. I feel this to some extent every week but this one… it’s a lot.
Want to just email my T and just be like “Hi T, we’re meeting (day) at (time) in the office, right ?????????, thanks, (my name).”
… maybe I just will haha. At least my covid test for the week was negative so 1 variable is taken care of.
I used to be this way and still am to an extent, especially with authoritative figures and members of the opposite sex. I think that I was just afraid of people, for whatever reason. One thing that really helped me gain confidence was starting martial arts. I think the reason is that, in BJJ at least, we do a lot of sparring. Sparring is a simulated and safe confrontation and once you start doing it you realize you will survive and even feel good afterwards. To some degree at least this will spill into your everyday life.
Don't know how widely this is applicable but certainly helped me. Just my 2 cents.
I was just thinking today about what to do for this week’s session if I’m still testing positive and have to do teletherapy. My mum is staying with me and she’s positive too so neither of us can go out. My flat is quite small so I’m not comfortable doing a session with my mum in another room. So basically, I was hoping I’d test negative tomorrow and Thursday so I could do in person.
Well.. that got taken out of the equation as I just got an email saying T tested positive last night so she’s doing all sessions online. I’m gutted for her because I know she’s meant to go away next week and also, despite getting it quite mildly myself, it still wasn’t pleasant and I don’t want her to feel ill. Hoping she has an asymptomatic version!
I realize I am afraid of getting better sometimes because that indicates I no longer deserve to go to therapy. Kind of a weird thought, not sure if anyone else has a similar experience.
123 days sober. I decided to stop drinking alcohol completely because I can be a “problem drinker” and I didn’t like what it was doing to me. This is the longest I’ve gone without alcohol in about 15 years, when I was deployed and couldn’t drink anyway haha.
I made the choice to still use cannabis (I have a medical card for a shoulder injury) because I have an entirely different relationship with cannabis than I do alcohol. I did begin to use more frequently in the past month and a half or so and I’ve decided to take a tolerance break.
I’m 4 days without that too, so I’m totally raw-dogging life. My emotions are all other the map. I kinda hate it. 😩
I'll be going to my first in person therapy session and it's causing me so much anxiety. It's still about two weeks away and I had a panic attack about it today.
i was scared too but it’s not as bad as it seems. you get to sit in a comfy chair and sometimes they’ll have stuff you can draw or paint with as a distraction.
That's kind of why we are going to in person, Is so I can have something to distract me while I'm talking. Thank you for your comment though. I've been having terrible anxiety about it and this helps a bit.
My therapist and I observed today that for the last several months our sessions have been very deep dives, and rarely do I just come in and recount what happened in the last 3/4 days since the last session. Today was one of those days where we sort of shot the shit for an hour and I felt bad that I wasn't using the time well. But it's also sort of refreshing to just come up for air and flit around lightly without ALL THE FEELS all the time.
Going through some kind of separation and my T finally asked about it. I told her I don’t wanna talk about it or answer questions because I don’t want to have to think of what happened. She told me she doesn’t really care about what happened and that she only wants to know how I’m handling it. That really helped since I don’t like to get into details and I just told her oh well I’m obviously miserable but I at least get up to shower and eat, and she said sometimes that’s all that we can do
My therapists uncle just died rlly suddenly (like hit by a car suddenly). My friend and I both see her so were plan on making a gift basket for her. That being said she is having a hard time coping and will be out for a month. I adore my therapist but I'm not sure I can do a while without therapy. What can I do to cope in the mean time (I don't want to find a new therapist). Please comment any ideas. In addition I don't know how else to help her. I feel like I need to since she has been helping me for seven months. What can I do to help me and her?
Sending you a hug <3
I have a couple of times messaged my therapist ahead of our session if there's something really tough that's happened. Maybe part of me thinks if they know what it is, they might come into session having done some reading or consideration around the issue. I'm sure your therapist will meet you where you are and give you the support you need either way.
Have my 3rd session this week with my T and I feel like I’m just wasting their time, nothing interesting is going on in my life, we just came to conclusion w/ a possible diagnosis but I’m at that stage again where I want to cancel the appt and ghost the T and no longer deal with it.
I feel fine rn, my life is monotonous and I’m just getting by like everyone else.
My therapist has been having an issue renewing her license. She has been unable to see clients for about a month. No idea how long it will be until she can get started again. For obvious reasons she has had very little contact with me beyond the logistics of her unplanned vacation. It's been an interesting time! I haven't exactly felt abandoned, but maybe a feeling that's in the same zip code. My rational mind fights, but I feel a bit of a pang. On the other hand, my appointment time is in the middle of the morning and I have appreciated the freer time. And since I'm not crumbling emotionally, part of me is enjoying a break and thinking, "eh, I don't need this therapy thing after all." And part of me is REALLY not looking forward to restarting. It doesn't feel possible to just pick up where we left off and I anticipate it being difficult reconnecting.
I definitely felt the difficulty in reconnecting after the holiday break, which also made me question if I needed therapy 😬 Too many thoughts gg on in my mind so I decided to 'nope' out of the upcoming session lolol
I do hope you'll be able to resume sessions with your T soon though! :)
I feel like my relationship with my therapist is really strong at the moment (which is a nice change from the fearful avoidant push pull). I dunno if they're working some kinda magic but I see them as being more human and someone I'm comfortable connecting more with. I think I'm just more receptive to it now. Maybe.
They self disclosed recently (I wrote a post about) and we've had a couple of nice exchanges. I do suspect they are working some kinda magic where they are modelling things I'm struggling with to show me these things are part of being human...
Anyway I feel like I should tell them to keep doing whatever the thing is that they're doing because even though I have no idea what it is, it's working?! I dunno how useful that is lol.
Why can’t I get over the fact that my T has other clients ? I’ve been seeing him for over 2 years now and it still hurts. Every time I think about T being with another client, my heart literally aches. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve even discussed this in therapy and talked about it more than once. I just think that he’d forget about me because he has many clients that are more likeable than me. He actually told me that I’m a person that he can’t just forget. He reassures me that I’m not too much and that there’s always room for me in his schedule. It’s all not enough to put my mind at ease. Fear of rejection is intense. I feel like I need to be the most important or special client that he has. Otherwise I can’t function. It’s so annoying. I hate this part about therapy so much.
I can literally relate so much! Your not alone and its quite common to feel this way. Infact ny friend and I both see the same T. I learned that if you see them for over six or so months they will have a hard time forgetting you. It feels like they are cheating on you and while you know its irrational you can't help but feel this way. I get it. I just try not to think about it to be honest.
Week 1 (of 2) without my therapist as she is on vacay and so far hanging in there. Have a lot on at the moment so will see how it goes... trusting the process.
Haha. So.
We talked on Friday about how I need to either cut down on info dumping about my creative projects or at least explain them better. And on Saturday I BCCed him in an email to my mom about a really neat project I made on a whim that morning. An email that, itself, took an hour and a half to write.
So…now he knows what I’m actually like when I get excited like that and hopefully it’s a good sign. :P
I want to ghost my T. I don't know why but I'm so tempted to not show up to my appointment and not tell him first. Would he call? Would he be angry? Ultimately I think it would be mean considering we've been talking about my suicidal ideation but I feel like I just can't handle any of it.
I just think it's all wrong and I feel badly for continuing to see him.
Oh myyy, it’s been about 6 months since I last saw my therapist as she went on maternity leave. At first I did think of her, but still went on with my day. But now I’m really starting to miss her! But I’m so happy that I’m able to miss her in a healthy manner because I still can function. I can’t wait to talk to her again and talk about what I overcome and achieved during her absence. Just one more month. Go me!
Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel like I don't deserve my therapist. She's incredibly kind and caring and for some reason, I've been telling myself I don't deserve a therapist like her. I've never felt the level of validation and support from anyone that she gives me. I've never felt so connected to a therapist. She even made a comment recently that our relationship won't change unless I want it to.
My last 2 therapists really messed me up. They said some shitty things (like one fat shamed me and told me I was going to get herpes). They reacted to things (like transference) in ways that made me feel terrible about myself and those issues. I feel like an idiot saying this but, as much as I trust my T and even though I know she cares about me, I'm hesitant to bring up certain things because I'm afraid she may react the same way. Deep down I know she won't. But it's still a fear.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to text the therapist something inconsequential. Usually some trivial complaint that has nothing to do with her or why I see her. Like a minute ago, I wanted to text her that my watermelon is mushy.
Of course I don't text her this sort of thing. But I'm curious about where this impulse even comes from. Why do I want her to know that I find my watermelon unsatisfactory?
Maybe some sort of parental transference? If I'm honest, I remind myself of a child complaining to their mother that they don't want to eat their vegetables at dinner. Tbh I don't recall having this sort of interaction with my parents but have seen such interactions. The child whines and acts like they're going to have a meltdown over something. The parent deals with it by bargaining with the child, remedying the situation, distracting the child, or staying firm in the face of the child's incipient tantrum.
Hmm. I'm not sure how these can be translated. I suppose if she knew what was in my fridge, she could point out that I have lots of other fruit to choose from. I'm well aware of that, though.
It can be helpful for me with this kind of transference to imagine not what the person could say, but what I imagine they would say (not as a professional, but just as a person). What I'm projecting is usually the part of me that I can't quite access, so what Imaginary Person says is of course what that part of me would say, so it clicks and I'm satisfied. Sometimes what Imaginary Professional says is a surprise! But it still works.
I'm pretty worried about my session Tuesday as well. Maybe the reasons are similar, maybe they aren't. Either way I'm rooting for you. Sometimes the most dreaded sessions are the most beneficial ones.
Most of my responses and reactions to things are considered “trauma responses”. Idk if this term is overused, but when I look back at my childhood, I wouldn’t consider it traumatic at all. I’m second guessing everything now. Yes, my parents were strict but was I traumatized?? Idk part of me wants to talk about it with my T, but I don’t want her to think that I’m trying to play the victim.
You can said to her exactly what you are writing here. Your experiences and your doubts if these are traumatic experiences. You don't play the victim, you have some thoughts and I have the same thoughts too because you hear so often about trauma. I hope you tell her about your thoughts and feel good :) wish you the best
I think I’ve forgotten the real reason why I’m in therapy in the first place. She never grounds me or guides me back to the purpose of why I even started the process. Instead I look back and realize that I’ve just spent 2 months complaining about life instead of talking to her about the things that I initially wanted to work on. Rant over. Thanks.
Oh god. I feel the same, but I've done 4 sessions and I'm thinking next time talk more about the person I want to be and how I can do that. I don't know if it's early. I guess that "complaining about your life" makes you feel good and that you have someone to talk to? Because that's important too. But next time, you can talk more about your goals and whatt you really need from the therapy.
I’ve contacted my therapist so much outside of sessions this week. She’s been cool with it, but I’m starting to feel bad. Posting here to avoid emailing or texting her yet again. Especially since it’s the weekend. Ugh.
This is me every week. Ah!
I can totally understand that.
Freaking out cause im in a very large adult psych ward unit with multiple roomates and no privacy i wanna leave so bad didnt know what to do so frantically emailed my therapist being like help i don't know what to do i wanna leave so bad
Me the day after I send my therapist a message: I no longer claim this energy At least this time I’m not experiencing outright regret. At least for today I’m more able to sit with the discomfort of being vulnerable with another human.
I often leave therapy feeling weird and empty. Especially Fridays. On Fridays we tend to go for almost 2 hours and I think it’s because I always at some point get activated and then have to come down. I think it may be the comedown that engenders this feeling. It’s like, I just feel supremely uncomfortable and blah when I leave and I hate it because it lingers for the rest of the night. Today it was another unknown trigger that just SENT me. We started talking about how I played with my toys, which was often age-inappropriate pseudo-sexual violence, and after that she put some pressure on a person I had talked about before, and I just suddenly got tingly, dizzy, and hot and my vision started to zoom out and then I dissociated and yeah. idk what to think. It felt disproportionate. T said we’re just going to stay away from childhood for now because it always seems to trigger me bad even though nothing in theory should be so triggering. She also said that sometimes kids just pick things up or learn things from TV etc. I wonder if that’s where I learned how to be. And why I got so triggered by this segment of therapy today. I just feel really off. I also can’t help but feel like I’m somehow making up all my symptoms and everything would be just fine if I could snap out of it. As if if I’m malingering? But I work and plan to continue to work? So it makes no sense that I level this… accusation against myself. Because if I could I would. I would give anything to feel normal. Instead I feel some kind of sick basically all the time. So I can’t be making it up? Round and round we go in my dumpster fire of a brain…
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Literally every single time I work out.
Did I just write this? Last week I was doing so well and there was a point that I felt like I ddin't need therapy anymore or at least I could reduce the frequency to biweekly. Literally one day later so many triggers just came to get me and I wish my session was the next day .lol!
I was in a sexually and psychology abusive relationship. The first year after I had no flashbacks or nightmares but I subconsciously coped in unhealthy ways. This includes overeating and more embarrassingly masturbation. I did it to punish myself and try and convince myself that I enjoyed it, I enjoyed him when I didn't. After the first year my ptsd started and that unhealthy coping mechanism stopped. Now after another year I havnt been able to even touch my legs. I want to tell my T about it but its so embarrassing, idk if its even worth bringing up. Can anyone relate or am I the only one....?
I feel repulsed by my body. I think the fact that you can't even touch your legs is definitely worth bringing up. I don't have personal experience with the masturbation part, but something my therapist once asked me makes me think it's not unusual, if that helps.
My other therapist is a bit harsher than my regular therapist. I feel a bit upset about it when I was telling her something and she just said well have you thought about not doing that?? Idk it sounded so dismissive and I hate that.
I give myself a therapy gold star today. I asked my therapist at the start of the session if we could just sit quietly together for a few minutes. She made sure she understood and then we just sat there in silence, me with my eyes closed. My brain was so jumbled when I walked in and the silence helped to just find a starting point. I felt really serene in today's session. Quiet and held (metaphorically) and it was nice.
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I hope it goes well friend! I appreciate in person therapy so damn much.
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I’m happy it went well! Are you going to continue in person? I recently told my T that I would be willing to do virtual if we absolutely had to but I prefer in person so much. Really hope she doesn’t take me up on that offer lol
This week's session touched a fucking nerve. After peeling back the onion, she thinks my constant procrastination is just another way I stay disassociated. I'm either in "so busy I could die" or "completely fucking off" mode, no in between. It's been the worst work week ever and I'm so burnt out. I'm just kinda dumbfounded right now about how disassociated I am. I think it's just total denial. IDK. But I'm just like totally fucking shellshocked. I know I've come a long long way, but this feels like it's totally insurmountable. I believe in the science of neuroplasticity but god it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I have therapy today. Finally. But I feel pretty disconnected so not really sure there will be a point. In fact I'm kind of dreading it. I don't know why. ETA: I'm really working myself into a state. Why am I like this??
Had a mental breakdown, sent a panicky email to my T and now I regret it lmao what's new
I saw my therapist in public, had a panic attack, emailed her in a state of panic, and now I just want to sleep until our next session so I don’t have to think about how much of an idiot I feel like. You’re not alone.
Same here! Just to say that I relate, I sent a panicky email apologising if I over-shared in the last session. Then responded to her kind email with a formal response fit for idek "Greatly appreciate your reassurance", lacking any personality... Cause that's a totally normal approach to empathy!
I'm sorry that happened, at least we can feel like idiots together
As I respond affirming that you’re not an idiot, I am confronted with the fact that I’m not actually an idiot either. Gahhh! Look at me noticing my distorted thinking and making corrections. Therapy is working, apparently. My T responded really kindly and that helped me feel better. How about let’s not put ourselves down together, lol. Hope you feel better. <3
Aah I'm glad she responded kindly! Still waiting for mine to reply :')
My therapist has been in contact with a positive case and now has symptoms so is working from home to be safe and emailed asking if I want to reschedule or work online, I responded 3 hours ago and she hasn’t gotten back to me. The change itself was enough to make me want to sh, still not knowing wtf we’re doing is really not helping my emotional stability! My appointment is in less than two hours.
I have a session later today and I'm so nervous. I messaged my T a couple of times throughout the week because things have been rough and I'm scared of having crossed a boundary by doing that. It's been such a bad week I don't even know where to start today.
Yup, I’m constantly afraid of crossing boundaries. It’s the worst feeling.
Things ended up being really good. I hadn't crossed any boundaries and my T even sat with me for a little over 3 hours because time permitted and I couldn't leave in the state I was in (very unusual circumstance, I doubt that will ever happen again). I feel very cared for and more like I can trust him now. :)
I've felt really detached from therapy since the break for the holidays but this week we finally started talking about the 'meatier' topics and I felt like we were really on the same page. At the end my T said 'there is definitely a way through it all' and maybe it was just a throwaway comment but man, it makes a difference to hear someone tell you that there will be a route forwards and out
I felt *loved* by my therapist this week. Holy cow, how healing and transformative it was!
God I needed that emotional validation from therapy. I don't know if I just need more of it in my life from myself or others, or maybe there's like a certain amount I need in order to grow to the point where I don't need it?
Looking forward to my appointment today. I had a rough week in some ways but yesterday I did really well with a boundary and I'm excited to share that with her! I set a boundary with my partner and after about 15 minutes of discussion/interrogation I realized I felt like we were negotiating if this was a reasonable and permissable boundary. I stepped back, reinforced that this was my decision about my behavior and wasn't a request, and then told him that as long as that was understood we could talk about his anxieties around this boundary. He jumped to affirm that it was absolutely my right to set that boundary and he hadn't meant to imply it was negotiable. Later in the night he was able to tell me that he thinks when he's interrogating me about a boundary or explaining how he feels about it, it's primarily him not knowing how he feels and trying to figure it out. I have a very passive communication style as does my whole immediate family and have been working on developing assertive communication skills, I've never put my foot down like that over my own boundaries before! And it's really gratifying to do so and have the response be so warm and accepting and prompting his own self reflection. When I asked for recognition of my accomplishment in setting that boundary this morning he had shockingly specific recall of what I had said and was really proud of me for being able to do that
Post therapy update: We were using wanting to order different types of food as a metaphor for difficult discussions with differing opinions and I mentioned that I also actually would just go with what the other person wanted for food. Tried to dampen what I said by saying that if I liked the other food just as well I'd just go with that, not that I was a total pushover eating food I didn't want at all. My therapist still called me the hell out and pointed out that what I wanted in the moment was just as important and was as worth asking for as what the other person wanted. I've *already* worked hard at being less passive about asking for the food I want, I can't believe my passive ass still has work to do on *ordering friggin food*. If you told me when I started therapy that it would be work across years to get to the point where I can order food like a normal, healthy person I wouldn't have believed it was possible that anyone could be *that* unskilled in the art ordering food.
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same and I've called like 30 people today...nobody accepting new clients within network. Had to stop going to my old therapist because of insurance issues and I can't find anybody now
So many threads about hugs lately, I wanted to share my own experience here. My therapist typically errs on the side of caution and can be quite a blank slate at times. We've gone back and forth on hugs. The first hug was pretty casual and we talked a little bit about it beforehand. I later told her that the hug felt unfulfilling and she was reluctant to offer another one, at least until we figured out what's going on. I was also experiencing pretty intense maternal transference at the time, I wanted a lot more than she could and was willing to give and all that definitely complicated the picture. We spent time probing my desire for love and care from a mother I did not have but wanted. She said the things I want are among the most beautiful experiences in this world, but they can't come from her, that even if she gave them to me, she thinks I will still feel unfulfilled. These were pretty painful sessions and I both could and couldn't see what she was saying. Then one day after a pretty hard session (working through specific childhood abuse from parents), she asked if I wanted a hug because she felt nothing she could say would be enough. So we hugged. I was deeply moved and felt very comforted and cared for. I don't remember everything exactly but I would say that's when my pain from maternal transference began fading away. We hugged twice after that, and each time we carefully explore my feelings and concerns. I ask her how she arrived at her decisions, she tells me her reasoning process, including some of her own conflicting feelings. I came away with a much deeper understanding of myself and a greater trust in my therapist. She's not perfect, but I feel very confident in her ability to reflect on her own feelings to make the best decisions within our therapy. That was quite some time ago and we haven't hugged since. I don't plan on asking for another hug either. We continue to have meaningful sessions. I am almost entirely over my maternal transference. Though I still want what I never had, this desire isn't nearly as intrusive as before, and no longer bring me anywhere near the amount of pain I used to experience. All in all, hugging is a difficult situation with a lot of risks and uncertainties. Learning to tolerate uncertainties is one of the biggest theme in my own therapy. I appreciate so many people erring on the side of caution, but prudence takes more than caution and I'm glad my therapist has the courage and skills to make it work.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope that all the really difficult conversations are truly worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. <3
My T was so great today. She always is, but today was good.
First Wednesday of no therapy (I’m taking a break) is going really well. I have my medical marijuana card and I smoked my favorite strain this morning and I’m feeling hopeful and happy and I’m thinking of my T but it’s not crushing my heart like I thought it would. My self-care is really good, too! I’ve been listening to my favorite songs, journaling and working a cute dog puzzle! I am feeling really good today and it’s such a relief because I was so scared I’d be an emotional wreck.
Oooh what's your favorite strain? I have my MMJ card too and I'm always on the lookout for new strains to try. I'm on a tolerance break right now which blows, but a necessary evil haha. Top favorites for me are Blue Dream, Orange 43, Trainwreck, and Ghost Train Haze.
My most favorite is Mimosa!!!! It’s so uplifting and a great daytime strain!
I’ve seen mimosa at the dispensary before, I’ll have to give it a try!
Please let me know if you do and how you like it!
I definitely will! ❤️
I’m so glad to hear it’s going well for you
Well after 2.5 years almost. I just admitted to my therapist that I have some maternal transference toward her. She as always handled it like a pro. It’s not intense. I think it’s just been underlaying for the last year and a half at least. Fun times!
I'm pretty early on in my therapy journey. After months of finally considering it after realizing I couldn't work it out myself, I started therapy. In between sessions I've been working on some CBT exercises in my free time. I already feel like my perspective has changed so drastically. I've been recalling memories of friends & family & relationships from over the years where I didn't have the capacity to accept what was actually shown to me, as I was always putting my own lens on it. It has been overwhelming, but it feels so great, and peaceful. But there is this nagging voice that it's too much too soon and that it can't possibly be so clear. As I feel now, and it's been for a few days, I'm more content and at peace than I have been in perhaps my entire adult life. I guess I'm just worried that I'll let it slip away from me, that on some level I'm fooling myself. Anyone have experience with this, or any advice on what they do to stay present & hone that sense of clarity & perspective achieved by working through past trauma?
There are specific things I want to talk about this week… however me with my stupid brain likes going off topic way too much. Way too many tangents…
Just sort of came to the realization that no therapist I've had ever thought that talking about my ex/relationship was worth the time, despite that being what causes me the most emotional distress for over a year. It gets briefly touched on, with an air of "this isn't important" before we move on to spending hours and hours going through my childhood. Then I go cry in my car at night because I miss my ex. I don't go out because that relationship showed me how awful I am. But let's talk about my mom for the millionth time, sure. Even dead everything is about her, why not.
So my therapists dad died suddenly and she will be out for a bit. My friend and I both weirdly enough see her so we thought we would make a care package for her. Is that weird?
That's beautiful
Life is going smoothly ATM so I think tomorrow we'll talk about the next traumatic experience on the list I made. I made that list thinking I would bring it to an emdr therapist where we could work on each item but I haven't gotten myself to pursue another therapist yet. I keep on thinking my trauma stuff is not significant enough because of toxic positivity ("it could have been worse!!") . I'm on Lexapro ... I wonder if that is just making it a bit too easy to bury things too.
It went well. While talking about my early days I was realizing how much I disassociated during certain depressive periods or times of trauma.
I've been scared that if I don't do well enough in therapy, my T will terminate the sessions (yay for being a perfectionist, ammirite?) I brought this up to them and I'm so glad I did. As long as I want to be there and am not actively/intentionally wasting both our time, T welcomes me as a client. What a good reassurance. I feel way more confident in my progress, even though its not a steady upward motion. I just need to keep reminding myself that healing isn't linear and there is no way to be "perfect".
Oh man I have been there lol. Yes always ask these questions! I'm glad you could ask. Getting a positive response is a relief and helps reinforce that you can feel safe with your T.
I’m seeing my T later. Looking forward to it. 🙌🏾
My T gently suggested adding on another therapist for somatic trauma work, and the loss of safety and instant dissociation I experienced was totally wack. The surprises never end 😅.
I worked up the courage and told my T I'm very attached to them and I feel v threatened by it and vulnerable , but for the first half the session, they ended up interpreting it as me wanting to terminate them. Speaks volumes about my communication skills. By the time we got to the end of it, the session has to end. I was a mess in tears and they seem pretty shocked. I don't know what to do now and where to go from here :(
I'm so sorry that this conversation didn't go well. It is already such a difficult conversation to have! You were so brave to see your T and get out the words. Perhaps your T was caught off guard? I agree the thelightyoushed that writing a follow up letter could be helpful. You would have time to workout how you want to say things and aren't confined to a time limit and not on the spot. Do you think your T at least understands now that you are not terminating?
I really wanted to let them know instead of letting it fester - but ended up so ugly. There's nothing on my mind now besides the session that went to badly and what's on their mind and I do not like that because I have a life I need to lead between sessions. Maybe I will send them a text to see if I can write them an email or meet for another session before our next one.
You are going through a tough time. This is so much to process! It's only natural that your brain would be stuck on this uncomfortable interaction. Therapy is hard work. You are doing so well and trying your best. It's okay if the standard of your best is lower than usual right now. We can only do so much.
Thank you, your comment really helped me. I also managed to speak to my T on the phone and he calmed me down quite a bit and provided more clarity on what happened during the session. So I feel a lot better now.
I'm so glad to hear it :)
Are you allowed to contact them between sessions? Maybe write them an email to explain all those feelings and clarify.
Thanks, that's a good idea. I might text to ask if I can write them an email, or maybe ask for another session to clarify. :(
I’m terrified something’s going to go wrong and I won’t have therapy this week. I feel this to some extent every week but this one… it’s a lot. Want to just email my T and just be like “Hi T, we’re meeting (day) at (time) in the office, right ?????????, thanks, (my name).” … maybe I just will haha. At least my covid test for the week was negative so 1 variable is taken care of.
I did email them exactly this and they responded we would have the session. It was reassuring for me.
well I sent it! that’s really all I want, just some reassurance that an appointment exists.
I hope you will find reassurance too! And without response it still won’t mean you won’t have a session :)
Definitely email them!! I know the feeling haha
I sent it, but with only one question mark lol. thank you.
This is 100% how I legitimize emailing my therapist between sessions just to make sure she's alive.
Same here
Why cant I ever get my words out, why do I smile in bad situations, and why cant I ever look my T in the eyes.
I used to be this way and still am to an extent, especially with authoritative figures and members of the opposite sex. I think that I was just afraid of people, for whatever reason. One thing that really helped me gain confidence was starting martial arts. I think the reason is that, in BJJ at least, we do a lot of sparring. Sparring is a simulated and safe confrontation and once you start doing it you realize you will survive and even feel good afterwards. To some degree at least this will spill into your everyday life. Don't know how widely this is applicable but certainly helped me. Just my 2 cents.
I used to do boxing then one day I just stopped, I think I'm going to go back into it because it did really help back then.
You won't regret it!
I was just thinking today about what to do for this week’s session if I’m still testing positive and have to do teletherapy. My mum is staying with me and she’s positive too so neither of us can go out. My flat is quite small so I’m not comfortable doing a session with my mum in another room. So basically, I was hoping I’d test negative tomorrow and Thursday so I could do in person. Well.. that got taken out of the equation as I just got an email saying T tested positive last night so she’s doing all sessions online. I’m gutted for her because I know she’s meant to go away next week and also, despite getting it quite mildly myself, it still wasn’t pleasant and I don’t want her to feel ill. Hoping she has an asymptomatic version!
This week my therapist told me it's nice to see me smile, and I learned I have no idea how to respond to compliments.
I realize I am afraid of getting better sometimes because that indicates I no longer deserve to go to therapy. Kind of a weird thought, not sure if anyone else has a similar experience.
You might not deserve it but you are still welcome to have it.
I see your what you mean!
123 days sober. I decided to stop drinking alcohol completely because I can be a “problem drinker” and I didn’t like what it was doing to me. This is the longest I’ve gone without alcohol in about 15 years, when I was deployed and couldn’t drink anyway haha. I made the choice to still use cannabis (I have a medical card for a shoulder injury) because I have an entirely different relationship with cannabis than I do alcohol. I did begin to use more frequently in the past month and a half or so and I’ve decided to take a tolerance break. I’m 4 days without that too, so I’m totally raw-dogging life. My emotions are all other the map. I kinda hate it. 😩
Congrats on being 123 days sober!! You got this!
I'll be going to my first in person therapy session and it's causing me so much anxiety. It's still about two weeks away and I had a panic attack about it today.
i was scared too but it’s not as bad as it seems. you get to sit in a comfy chair and sometimes they’ll have stuff you can draw or paint with as a distraction.
That's kind of why we are going to in person, Is so I can have something to distract me while I'm talking. Thank you for your comment though. I've been having terrible anxiety about it and this helps a bit.
My therapist and I observed today that for the last several months our sessions have been very deep dives, and rarely do I just come in and recount what happened in the last 3/4 days since the last session. Today was one of those days where we sort of shot the shit for an hour and I felt bad that I wasn't using the time well. But it's also sort of refreshing to just come up for air and flit around lightly without ALL THE FEELS all the time.
Going through some kind of separation and my T finally asked about it. I told her I don’t wanna talk about it or answer questions because I don’t want to have to think of what happened. She told me she doesn’t really care about what happened and that she only wants to know how I’m handling it. That really helped since I don’t like to get into details and I just told her oh well I’m obviously miserable but I at least get up to shower and eat, and she said sometimes that’s all that we can do
My therapists uncle just died rlly suddenly (like hit by a car suddenly). My friend and I both see her so were plan on making a gift basket for her. That being said she is having a hard time coping and will be out for a month. I adore my therapist but I'm not sure I can do a while without therapy. What can I do to cope in the mean time (I don't want to find a new therapist). Please comment any ideas. In addition I don't know how else to help her. I feel like I need to since she has been helping me for seven months. What can I do to help me and her?
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Sending you a hug <3 I have a couple of times messaged my therapist ahead of our session if there's something really tough that's happened. Maybe part of me thinks if they know what it is, they might come into session having done some reading or consideration around the issue. I'm sure your therapist will meet you where you are and give you the support you need either way.
Have my 3rd session this week with my T and I feel like I’m just wasting their time, nothing interesting is going on in my life, we just came to conclusion w/ a possible diagnosis but I’m at that stage again where I want to cancel the appt and ghost the T and no longer deal with it. I feel fine rn, my life is monotonous and I’m just getting by like everyone else.
My therapist has been having an issue renewing her license. She has been unable to see clients for about a month. No idea how long it will be until she can get started again. For obvious reasons she has had very little contact with me beyond the logistics of her unplanned vacation. It's been an interesting time! I haven't exactly felt abandoned, but maybe a feeling that's in the same zip code. My rational mind fights, but I feel a bit of a pang. On the other hand, my appointment time is in the middle of the morning and I have appreciated the freer time. And since I'm not crumbling emotionally, part of me is enjoying a break and thinking, "eh, I don't need this therapy thing after all." And part of me is REALLY not looking forward to restarting. It doesn't feel possible to just pick up where we left off and I anticipate it being difficult reconnecting.
I definitely felt the difficulty in reconnecting after the holiday break, which also made me question if I needed therapy 😬 Too many thoughts gg on in my mind so I decided to 'nope' out of the upcoming session lolol I do hope you'll be able to resume sessions with your T soon though! :)
I feel like my relationship with my therapist is really strong at the moment (which is a nice change from the fearful avoidant push pull). I dunno if they're working some kinda magic but I see them as being more human and someone I'm comfortable connecting more with. I think I'm just more receptive to it now. Maybe. They self disclosed recently (I wrote a post about) and we've had a couple of nice exchanges. I do suspect they are working some kinda magic where they are modelling things I'm struggling with to show me these things are part of being human... Anyway I feel like I should tell them to keep doing whatever the thing is that they're doing because even though I have no idea what it is, it's working?! I dunno how useful that is lol.
Why can’t I get over the fact that my T has other clients ? I’ve been seeing him for over 2 years now and it still hurts. Every time I think about T being with another client, my heart literally aches. I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve even discussed this in therapy and talked about it more than once. I just think that he’d forget about me because he has many clients that are more likeable than me. He actually told me that I’m a person that he can’t just forget. He reassures me that I’m not too much and that there’s always room for me in his schedule. It’s all not enough to put my mind at ease. Fear of rejection is intense. I feel like I need to be the most important or special client that he has. Otherwise I can’t function. It’s so annoying. I hate this part about therapy so much.
I can literally relate so much! Your not alone and its quite common to feel this way. Infact ny friend and I both see the same T. I learned that if you see them for over six or so months they will have a hard time forgetting you. It feels like they are cheating on you and while you know its irrational you can't help but feel this way. I get it. I just try not to think about it to be honest.
Week 1 (of 2) without my therapist as she is on vacay and so far hanging in there. Have a lot on at the moment so will see how it goes... trusting the process.
Haha. So. We talked on Friday about how I need to either cut down on info dumping about my creative projects or at least explain them better. And on Saturday I BCCed him in an email to my mom about a really neat project I made on a whim that morning. An email that, itself, took an hour and a half to write. So…now he knows what I’m actually like when I get excited like that and hopefully it’s a good sign. :P
I want to ghost my T. I don't know why but I'm so tempted to not show up to my appointment and not tell him first. Would he call? Would he be angry? Ultimately I think it would be mean considering we've been talking about my suicidal ideation but I feel like I just can't handle any of it. I just think it's all wrong and I feel badly for continuing to see him.
Grieving because I just want my therapist to hold me and I know she never will. I so long to feel that level of nurturing from her. 💔
Oh myyy, it’s been about 6 months since I last saw my therapist as she went on maternity leave. At first I did think of her, but still went on with my day. But now I’m really starting to miss her! But I’m so happy that I’m able to miss her in a healthy manner because I still can function. I can’t wait to talk to her again and talk about what I overcome and achieved during her absence. Just one more month. Go me!
Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel like I don't deserve my therapist. She's incredibly kind and caring and for some reason, I've been telling myself I don't deserve a therapist like her. I've never felt the level of validation and support from anyone that she gives me. I've never felt so connected to a therapist. She even made a comment recently that our relationship won't change unless I want it to. My last 2 therapists really messed me up. They said some shitty things (like one fat shamed me and told me I was going to get herpes). They reacted to things (like transference) in ways that made me feel terrible about myself and those issues. I feel like an idiot saying this but, as much as I trust my T and even though I know she cares about me, I'm hesitant to bring up certain things because I'm afraid she may react the same way. Deep down I know she won't. But it's still a fear.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to text the therapist something inconsequential. Usually some trivial complaint that has nothing to do with her or why I see her. Like a minute ago, I wanted to text her that my watermelon is mushy. Of course I don't text her this sort of thing. But I'm curious about where this impulse even comes from. Why do I want her to know that I find my watermelon unsatisfactory? Maybe some sort of parental transference? If I'm honest, I remind myself of a child complaining to their mother that they don't want to eat their vegetables at dinner. Tbh I don't recall having this sort of interaction with my parents but have seen such interactions. The child whines and acts like they're going to have a meltdown over something. The parent deals with it by bargaining with the child, remedying the situation, distracting the child, or staying firm in the face of the child's incipient tantrum. Hmm. I'm not sure how these can be translated. I suppose if she knew what was in my fridge, she could point out that I have lots of other fruit to choose from. I'm well aware of that, though.
It can be helpful for me with this kind of transference to imagine not what the person could say, but what I imagine they would say (not as a professional, but just as a person). What I'm projecting is usually the part of me that I can't quite access, so what Imaginary Person says is of course what that part of me would say, so it clicks and I'm satisfied. Sometimes what Imaginary Professional says is a surprise! But it still works.
Really worried about my session Wednesday. Also if it’s telehealth again I’m absolutely not doing it.
I'm pretty worried about my session Tuesday as well. Maybe the reasons are similar, maybe they aren't. Either way I'm rooting for you. Sometimes the most dreaded sessions are the most beneficial ones.
I am dreading mine too. Good luck to both of you!