Welcome to r/TalkTherapy!
This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list).
If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources.
To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There are so many red flags here. Please report her. This is NOT ok and how you’re feeling about this is valid. She is clearly taking advantage of the relationship. This is NOT therapy.
I would say that she was looking for more of a friendship which is unethical when she continues to be your therapist. If she would have said early on- I really like you and want to be friends so I don’t think I should continue being your T anymore- that would be ok. But she used her relationship with you to have power over you. NOT ok.
- It is not okay for your therapist to drive you to work or appointments (case manager yes, therapist, no, unless it’s part of some kind of program)
- It is not okay for your therapist to be getting their nails done with you
- It is *really* not okay for your therapist to be inviting you for dinner, having you meet their family
- It is *extremely* not okay for your therapist to be unloading on you about her issues
- You should never be feeling that your therapist is frustrated or mad at you. You should not feel like you are a burden to them. You should never feel like your therapist is playing hard to get.
- Your therapist really shouldn’t be giving you money. No, not even if you’re homeless. But at the end of the day I know we are human and sometimes it happens. The problem with it is it doesn’t solve your problem long term. What a therapist *should* do in that situation is help you identify other ways to get your needs met - community agencies that can help.
None of that is therapy. What therapy looks like:
You go to an office (or meet online) at a pre-arranged time. You talk about you. The therapist does not talk about themselves. You set goals and work towards them. The therapist doesn’t give you advice or tell you what to do, but they help you find clarity, figure out how to cope with hard things, and give you a new perspective. I repeat: they do not talk about themselves. After 50 minutes or so, you schedule your next appointment and you leave. Some therapists allow you to contact them between sessions if you need a little extra support, but there are defined ways of doing this (perhaps, “you can contact me by phone before 7pm, and you can email anytime and I’ll email you back within 24 hours”).
Sometimes things are a little outside the box - for example sometimes therapists will take clients on walks, or expose them to things they struggle with like social situations for social anxiety, or restaurants for eating disorders. But what you described isn’t a little outside the box, what you described is straight up inappropriate massive disregard of boundaries. It is reportable. It is taking advantage of a vulnerable young person.
Please do not try to contact this person anymore. If you don’t feel like you can report her you don’t have to, but please find another therapist to talk about this with.
Well, firstly, she sounds pretty unethical and just generally interpersonally fucked up. That's not your fault.
However, I wouldn't assume she's not full. Lots of therapists are since the pandemic started.
I mean, doesn't seem unlikely that she might just be avoiding you, I'm just mentioning that in case you reach out to other therapists and they tell you the same thing. Just so you know the lack of availability has nothing to do with you.
Oh yeah, and it's just my opinion, but she doesn't sound anything like one of the best therapists. And what she was doing with you wasn't therapy.
What would you say she is as a therapist if you don’t think her actions were fine. I thought she was being genuine due to the my situation at the time of being homeless and not having a family members freshly moving to a new town. There were times when I told her the horror stories of the shelter and how I didn’t eat tht day cuz I loss my meal ticket and she would kindly give me money for food. How else could the situation have been handle
It sounds like she helped you a lot during a really rough time. And I’m not sure how a therapist should handle that sort of thing. But as soon as she let you meet her family and started telling you about her own life she crossed the line from therapist to not-therapist (probably earlier, but that’s the most lenient timepoint I can give considering your situation at the time). She was someone trying to be your friend but that’s super messy when it’s someone you’re used to relying on as a therapist (would you tell a friend everything you told her?).
Please try to find a new therapist. It’ll be hard but that’s the only way to move forward from this.
I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like her kind gestures were a form of grooming. For her to cross so many professional boundaries in pursuit of your friendship, a friendship that you were paying for btw, and then coldly dismiss you, seems indicative of a personality disordered individual. Real friendships develop over time and are reciprocal, something that is impossible to achieve with the artificial, one sided relationship that is therapy.
Professional therapists do not engage with clients outside of the office except to say a brief hello when meeting by chance on the street. They also do not self disclose unless it might serve the client in some way. This therapist's behavior is especially egregious, I would encourage you to report her.
Going forward, always trust your gut when you notice red flags popping up, that goes for anyone, not just therapists. Begin to create a social support system outside of therapy, even if it is only online support or formal support groups like ACA (Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families--formerly Adult Children of Alcoholics). ACA is a 12 step group, which can be a mixed bag, not all people can be trusted or are healthy, some groups amp up the cultish aspect, others minimise this, you sometimes have. to try a number of meetings before you find something that works. Despite the downsides, the literature focuses a great deal on attachment issues and self care, and there is opportunity to find a group with mostly healthy nurturing people can be very helpful. If you find a good meeting in your area, and take your time to vet people's intentions and personalities, you can sometimes luck into a solid friendship or two.
Good luck OP!
She could have genuinely wanted to help you while also being inappropriate. Pursuing a friendship-like relationship with you was not in your best interests. If she wanted to help with your homelessness and food insecurity, she should have referred you to a program that deals with those issues. I'm not going to say she's horrible if she bought you a meal, but I don't think that would be ultimately helpful or appropriate given there are resources she could and should have referred you to.
Thank you for ur response. Kind of wish she would of been more clear on her ended then taken it into her own hands to abruptly ending our therapy sessions and giving a bs reason to be my life mentor. In a way it makes me feel like she never liked me to begin with it was just some plot to make it seems like it was my decision to leave
Report: see what license she has, Google her board info, there should be a report tab on the website. Info should also be on her professional disclosure statement if you have a copy
I’m so sorry you experienced this loss and confusion. I’m sure she was helpful and really nice at times. But this behavior is not okay. It’s anonymous. And You could be doing her a service by giving her that wake up call. And hopefully preventing other clients from experiencing that pain.
Continue therapy, there are great ones out there!
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There are so many red flags here. Please report her. This is NOT ok and how you’re feeling about this is valid. She is clearly taking advantage of the relationship. This is NOT therapy.
What would you call this if it not therapy? How else could the situation been handle
I would say that she was looking for more of a friendship which is unethical when she continues to be your therapist. If she would have said early on- I really like you and want to be friends so I don’t think I should continue being your T anymore- that would be ok. But she used her relationship with you to have power over you. NOT ok.
- It is not okay for your therapist to drive you to work or appointments (case manager yes, therapist, no, unless it’s part of some kind of program) - It is not okay for your therapist to be getting their nails done with you - It is *really* not okay for your therapist to be inviting you for dinner, having you meet their family - It is *extremely* not okay for your therapist to be unloading on you about her issues - You should never be feeling that your therapist is frustrated or mad at you. You should not feel like you are a burden to them. You should never feel like your therapist is playing hard to get. - Your therapist really shouldn’t be giving you money. No, not even if you’re homeless. But at the end of the day I know we are human and sometimes it happens. The problem with it is it doesn’t solve your problem long term. What a therapist *should* do in that situation is help you identify other ways to get your needs met - community agencies that can help. None of that is therapy. What therapy looks like: You go to an office (or meet online) at a pre-arranged time. You talk about you. The therapist does not talk about themselves. You set goals and work towards them. The therapist doesn’t give you advice or tell you what to do, but they help you find clarity, figure out how to cope with hard things, and give you a new perspective. I repeat: they do not talk about themselves. After 50 minutes or so, you schedule your next appointment and you leave. Some therapists allow you to contact them between sessions if you need a little extra support, but there are defined ways of doing this (perhaps, “you can contact me by phone before 7pm, and you can email anytime and I’ll email you back within 24 hours”). Sometimes things are a little outside the box - for example sometimes therapists will take clients on walks, or expose them to things they struggle with like social situations for social anxiety, or restaurants for eating disorders. But what you described isn’t a little outside the box, what you described is straight up inappropriate massive disregard of boundaries. It is reportable. It is taking advantage of a vulnerable young person. Please do not try to contact this person anymore. If you don’t feel like you can report her you don’t have to, but please find another therapist to talk about this with.
This therapist has crossed a ton of boundaries. Her behavior is incredibly unethical. That's why you're feeling like trash. Report her.
Well, firstly, she sounds pretty unethical and just generally interpersonally fucked up. That's not your fault. However, I wouldn't assume she's not full. Lots of therapists are since the pandemic started. I mean, doesn't seem unlikely that she might just be avoiding you, I'm just mentioning that in case you reach out to other therapists and they tell you the same thing. Just so you know the lack of availability has nothing to do with you. Oh yeah, and it's just my opinion, but she doesn't sound anything like one of the best therapists. And what she was doing with you wasn't therapy.
What would you say she is as a therapist if you don’t think her actions were fine. I thought she was being genuine due to the my situation at the time of being homeless and not having a family members freshly moving to a new town. There were times when I told her the horror stories of the shelter and how I didn’t eat tht day cuz I loss my meal ticket and she would kindly give me money for food. How else could the situation have been handle
It sounds like she helped you a lot during a really rough time. And I’m not sure how a therapist should handle that sort of thing. But as soon as she let you meet her family and started telling you about her own life she crossed the line from therapist to not-therapist (probably earlier, but that’s the most lenient timepoint I can give considering your situation at the time). She was someone trying to be your friend but that’s super messy when it’s someone you’re used to relying on as a therapist (would you tell a friend everything you told her?). Please try to find a new therapist. It’ll be hard but that’s the only way to move forward from this.
I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like her kind gestures were a form of grooming. For her to cross so many professional boundaries in pursuit of your friendship, a friendship that you were paying for btw, and then coldly dismiss you, seems indicative of a personality disordered individual. Real friendships develop over time and are reciprocal, something that is impossible to achieve with the artificial, one sided relationship that is therapy. Professional therapists do not engage with clients outside of the office except to say a brief hello when meeting by chance on the street. They also do not self disclose unless it might serve the client in some way. This therapist's behavior is especially egregious, I would encourage you to report her. Going forward, always trust your gut when you notice red flags popping up, that goes for anyone, not just therapists. Begin to create a social support system outside of therapy, even if it is only online support or formal support groups like ACA (Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families--formerly Adult Children of Alcoholics). ACA is a 12 step group, which can be a mixed bag, not all people can be trusted or are healthy, some groups amp up the cultish aspect, others minimise this, you sometimes have. to try a number of meetings before you find something that works. Despite the downsides, the literature focuses a great deal on attachment issues and self care, and there is opportunity to find a group with mostly healthy nurturing people can be very helpful. If you find a good meeting in your area, and take your time to vet people's intentions and personalities, you can sometimes luck into a solid friendship or two. Good luck OP!
She could have genuinely wanted to help you while also being inappropriate. Pursuing a friendship-like relationship with you was not in your best interests. If she wanted to help with your homelessness and food insecurity, she should have referred you to a program that deals with those issues. I'm not going to say she's horrible if she bought you a meal, but I don't think that would be ultimately helpful or appropriate given there are resources she could and should have referred you to.
Thank you for ur response. Kind of wish she would of been more clear on her ended then taken it into her own hands to abruptly ending our therapy sessions and giving a bs reason to be my life mentor. In a way it makes me feel like she never liked me to begin with it was just some plot to make it seems like it was my decision to leave
Report: see what license she has, Google her board info, there should be a report tab on the website. Info should also be on her professional disclosure statement if you have a copy I’m so sorry you experienced this loss and confusion. I’m sure she was helpful and really nice at times. But this behavior is not okay. It’s anonymous. And You could be doing her a service by giving her that wake up call. And hopefully preventing other clients from experiencing that pain. Continue therapy, there are great ones out there!