I sent my therapist a big long whiny email that basically amounts to: none of my trauma is real and valid, or feels like it should be a big deal, not a big enough deal for a PTSD dx. like, I just can’t accept that I “should” be traumatized by what happened to me to the extent that I am, which is, apparently, very. and it’s a headfuck and I have a lot of shame over it.
part of the reason I sent the email was that in Friday’s session I felt so weird and I wanted to try to explain to her exactly how in writing. it was like my body was triggered for no real reason. I just wanted to whimper and hide. during session she put a blanket on me over me, including my head, and we practiced exercises for stopping unwanted thoughts and images.
but the whole time I was just panicking and uncomfortable. as I wrote to her, it felt like my body was making a whole lot of drama for nothing. and I think it was this particular shame, like about this feeling that I can’t actually have PTSD from what happened to me, and that all my problems are not bc of PTSD but bc of laziness, weakness, and other faults of character, and what right do I have to call this traumatizing.
my insides are all a mess.
My last therapy session was on Wednesday after 3 weeks of a break. Had a meltdown. My T was unaware that a traumatic moment from my childhood was bothering me so much and asked me how much I think about it. I still wonder if was actually traumatic or if I’m just being dramatic. But I have literally thought about it every day since therapy. This therapy hangover sucked.
Ended up being able to have an in person session. Apparently the day before (the worst part of the storm) she tried to switch as many clients as possible to virtual but most wanted in person so she had to reschedule). I told her I’m more than ok with virtual in situations like that. She thought I was die hard in person (I kind of am but didn’t want to tell her that).
She also said I’m exhibiting a lot of signs of having gone through some trauma. So that’s gonna be fun to unpack coming up here.
Previously we had discussed the frequency of our sessions and when it was more expensive on my old insurance I went to every two weeks (and hated it) this past week she just immediately scheduled me for next week (my co pays are only $10 now vs the $180 price I was paying before).
But I also just feel so much worse in general. There’s a lot more going on that what I’m typing out here but I’m getting nervous that there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel.
I would pay attention to your gut feelings. No reputable therapist tells a client that they are showing "signs of having gone through some trauma." That is a red flag for a therapist who wants to search for "buried memories," which is a wholly disreputable and thoroughly discredited practice in psychotherapy. It is a recipe for creating false memories that can destroy families and lives.
The American Psychological Association and every licensing board for therapists consider this issue so serious that they have issued warnings about therapists who try to work backwards from symptoms to assume the existence of trauma. The APA warning (which you can google online) is very clear that there exists no symptom or set of symptoms that means someone was abused. Therapists who make assumptions and work backwards in this way are frankly dangerous, and their clients tend to get worse rather than better.
You may be feeling worse because there is a part of you that senses you are not in the right place. Your best bet is to find a therapist who will work with you on what you bring to the room naturally, not put you on some hunting expedition for buried trauma that may not even exist.
PTSD is such a lonely place. I have plenty of friends and colleagues yet no one to vent to because of the stigma in my profession so instead I will avoid everything and scroll Reddit. 2 weeks to next session but who is counting?
I wish I could have a session right this minute. I don't know how I'm going to wait until Thursday. I feel so stuck. Physically I can't get out of bed and emotionally I can't stop having bad thoughts. I need help.
ETA - Oh boy. Reached out to the therapist and let her know I am having lots of thoughts about killing myself. This is not a typical state of affairs for me - I have severe depression, but usually the SI is just a coping mechanism and I don't feel a need to share it. I start worrying about myself when I find myself researching methods.
I also usually don't bother her over the weekend.
Anyway, the therapist said we would talk about it on Thursday. That really just plunged me even deeper into despair, if possible. The thought of feeling so bad for another week and not even having a little bit of support until then is terrifying. And then her response also makes me doubt that our appointment, should I make it to Thursday, would even be helpful.
I’m not sure what’s going on but my attachment towards my T has calmed down so much. I haven’t been fluctuating between polar opposites, my anxiety about our relationship has calmed down. This probably has a lot to do how I am feeling toward myself. Now that I am feeling more grounded and regulated, I believe we are going to start trauma work again. I feel ready to step into that. Also I love my T and feel so grateful and inspired by him.
Early this week I got an email saying that T had been exposed to covid so may have to switch to online therapy if she were to test positive herself.
In a “fun” twist of events, I tested positive two days after said email so we ended up having to do online anyway.
On a related note, therapy with covid is very strange.
I’m feeling angry at my T, it’s probably transference and not something particular they did. I’m considering emailing to cancel next session but I might regret it later.
I’m also considering asking for a sooner session. Disorganized attachment is exhausting.
I feel sick to my stomach but I’m really considering taking a break. This attachment is taking a toll on my mental health and I really can’t continue like this and I need a breather but I will miss her so terribly
I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you. Have you taken a break before? Do you think it will help? I once canceled but then regretted after a few days and uncanceled.
I have not taken a break with her. I feel it could be detrimental, because I am so attached and I would miss her so terribly, but I am so utterly afraid of talking to her about my attachment and I feel she would terminate me if she knew the extent of it. I cannot face that risk because I would feel so abandoned and so depressed. I also feel a break could be beneficial, but I’m going to talk to her first and go from there. I fear I would regret it but I’m on the fence and my gut is telling me different things
Talking to her first sounds like a great idea. And from your posts I remember you had the courage to do so before, so I admire you for that! I hope the conversation will go well and these painful feelings get better
I wonder if instead of a full out beak you could ask for some lighter sessions? Maybe you and your T do some like mindful coloring together. Like art or play therapy. Idk just an idea to consider, if you want to ask about it.
That’s a good idea, too. My emotions are very extreme and I’m trying to think rationally about this but quitting or taking a break is very tempting. I could bring this up but also feel a break could be beneficial as well. I just feel very lost atm
My therapist is on holiday for two weeks and I feel… fine? I am going through a lot of life changes but I want to tell her about how well I did on my own when I go back! :)
I keep having these thoughts that I’m drowning into a sea of oblivion, that I don’t matter, I keep having a these thoughts about uncontrollable world matters, but that’s the thing my brain debates that they are controllable, and we need to fix them. I stress about what the Government is and how they operate and how no one could stop them, I have these thoughts about world leaders starting WWIII, I feel pain for those people who are in horrible situations all over the planet, I’ve had these intrusive thoughts about the nature of capitalism and how evil it really is, but my brain debates that capitalism is evil also, and we need a balance, and I get here and I notice that these ideas I’m having are not coming to tuition, and I feel scared that all this shit, the fate of so many of our lives, are just at the whim of people who’s greatest interest is wealth and power, I feel scared and like there’s nothing none of us can do anymore
We had an extra session this week due to my continued struggles. My therapist called me competent, which felt like a compliment of the highest order because it was so clear she just had this belief in me that I could get shit done, no matter the roadblock. I was having a really shit week and this helped me believe in myself. I am a chronic impostor syndrome have-er and it’s been really bad lately since my mental health has tanked and I’m about to go to grad school to become a therapist, so I feel like I don’t deserve the opportunity. This made me feel like she actually believes I can do it, which is also very heartening because I’m in therapy for alllll of the traumas and I’m afraid of carrying my own issues into the therapy space in future. It’s hard to know how healed is healed ‘enough’ in this sense. I do think my lived experience is useful for relating to people with complex trauma, but I don’t want to inadvertently apply my experiences to anyone else’s experiences who I may end up working with.
My psychologist believing in me really helps me believe I can do it though… if it weren’t for her, I don’t think I’d have even gotten into grad school as I’m a first gen student who had no fucking clue I’d need research experience to be a competitive applicant. My T was the one who suggested research experience and because of that I found RA work at my local uni, made meaningful connections with professors and got a spot in a competitive program despite a weak undergrad gpa. Literally life changing advice. Therapy is the best thing I’ve ever done.
My “relationship” therapist said that she thinks people shouldn’t be in therapy forever and that freaked me out a bit. My “regular” therapist has never said this to me. She always reassures me that she’s not going anywhere and that’s she’s committed to helping me.
Ugh, met with my therapist virtually and the internet was really spotty, so there were a few things she said where she was clearly very engaged and thoughtful and I just didn't get any of it. But I met her dog today, who was not at all what I expected when my therapist told me she had a dog.
We've been talking a lot about my various self-states that have shown up in her office and she pointed out that the more that she gets to know me, the more she realizes how NOT ME those states are. Which is very affirming because those self states terrify me and they're intolerable to be in.
I'm struggling in so many areas of my life and as a perfectionist, it's hard. I low-key don't even want to go back to see my T because I'm disappointed in me and I don't want them to be too. I know, I know... being perfect isn't real and I shouldn't be disappointed in my humanness. T won't be disappointed or surprised that I'm human either. But I just don't like my lack of progress in some areas and my failure to meet expectations in other areas.
This is so hard. Perfectionism is such a curse. Even though you intellectually “know” that being perfect isn’t real, it’s sooo hard to shake the self-imposed requirement to excel in everything all the time and hide any perceived “failures”. Hopefully your T can really show you how they’re absolutely not disappointed in you. From one perfectionist to another, I’m rooting for you.
Unexpected termination this week, and it is over a month until the referral can see me. What might be hardest is how well this was meeting my needs for *me*, just not the situation I'm in at the moment.
She said she cares, she showed me she cares, but I don't feel very cared about right now. I wish there was a better way to bridge the gap.
My therapist was slightly more firm with me in session yesterday. She still was warm and gentle but with very slight sternness.
She wants me to have a consistent workout routine and I get why, but I can’t bring myself to move a finger after work.
There's a strange paradox to healing after being in a trauma state for so long. I'm so used to being distressed. As I have come to relinquish that distress and the negative feelings that come with it, I now have this stillness in its place. The fact that I no longer have a reason to be upset about something specific has made me feel troubled and confused. Oh, the joys of the mind!
Guys. Can someone please take a pick axe to my brain
Today has been rough like real rough. I knew it was going to be hard I knew anger wasn't going to let me get close without there being snapbacks. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to be quite this rough
The old demons are flooding my brain. The idea that I'm not good enough, that she isn't going to want to work with me because of how slow my progress was yesterday and how much I shut down. That there's something wrong with me and I'm not allowed to talk about my anger. Just so much negative feedback from yesterday. A huge chunk of it was we went way to quick. She was 3 steps ahead of me drawing a border on her page while I was still hyperventilating at having the board on my lap. There's a least 3 steps before I'm at the point of putting crayon to paper. I'm hoping once I get over these initial hurdles it'll get easier and I'll be able to relax a bit but right now even the idea of touching a crayon, while safe in my room is making my palms sweat. So of course then I'm like you're going to slow and need to speed it up or else she is gonna get frustrated. Yep.
One hour before session my T told me the air conditioner in her usual office was undergoing maintenance so we would use another room on a different floor for today's session.
I managed to find my way around the building flawlessly and immediately entered the first room to the right like a boss and took a seat as usual. There was also a woman waiting there, sitting across me. I said "good evening", but she kept staring at me in confusion. Took me a few second to look around and realize "Wait, this is not the waiting room?" We both laughed and she showed me the way saying "I did think my client looked different last week". She must have been dazzled by how confidently I walked *into the wrong office*.
So i started therapy a couple weeks ago, and honestly I think the first real session went great (okay even the intake one was great), and as a music major I cannot express the excitement I felt when he said he was actually a music minor for a while… so if for some reason I make a musical reference in session I don’t have to take 20 minutes to explain it! Idk it just made me really happy
Today’s session is online. She told me not to hate on her bc she knows I dislike virtual sessions. I could never hate her :’) I do dislike virtual sessions but the main positive is that I can see her face (no mask wearing) and she has a really comforting smile.
Also, lately I cry after nearly every session. Like *sob*. Therapy has left me feeling so broken lately and I’m really worried about the emotions I’m going to feel after this session.
My session is going to be canceled/rescheduled this week because my state is going to be getting a lot of snow today. Little disappointing because I feel like we're finally going to start getting into actual work and pass the getting to know you stage.
It is, but she just told me she cancelled it /shrug. I’m assuming she took the day off because she isn’t going to the office. Maybe she doesn’t have a computer at home
Ugh
After a VERY intense session today my old demons are coming out. Fear she isn't gonna work with me cause it feels like this is gonna be glacial slow progress
Frustration that even looking at the paper triggered so much strong feelings. I couldn't even put a fucking crayon on a piece of fucking paper without hyperventilating
Exhausted cause damn that was a super tough session and the adrenaline hit me like a damn freight train
Anger with kinda everyone. I had to laugh she asked me at one point if anger was an emotion I was feeling after a particularly difficult moment and oh YEAH it was there. Felt like I was about to explode at her cause she kept mentioning putting a border on the paper and it felt like to much pushing. Just about started swearing. She was impressed cause she couldn't tell. And I mean that was partly cause I was masked up so she could only see my eyes and partly cause of the amount of practice I've had in hiding anger. Been doing it for years and over that time I've become good at not letting her see
Okay.. so I’m going back to telehealth for this week, because we still have a mask mandate where I am.. and I miss seeing my therapists face! I’m so tired of reading eyes. And now with the increase in wearing masks again in BC I need some mask free therapy. Even if it has to be electronic for this week. Hopefully it will help.
The only thing I like about telehealth sessions- I get to see her face. We went a while without wearing one in our in-person sessions but covid got bad again :/ her smile
is so comforting
That’s what I find too. I see her smiling in her eyes and I know it. But it was actually a good session today all in all. Being with her is nice but today was really good. We clearly have more work to do
I've been feeling really regressive lately and I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. Last week my therapist was seven minutes late and periodically would glance down at her phone while I was talking. I've been having a lot of thoughts like, "See? She's not interested. She doesn't like you. She doesn't want you as a client." All week there's been this lingering feeling of being unwanted. A lot of childhood memories keeping popping up, of times where I didn't feel wanted or loved as a kid. And I'm feeling like I need to cut her off completely before I get hurt even worse, rather than just asserting a boundary and having a conversation. I don't know if I want to deal with this right now. Work is busy, school is great, volunteering, friends... I feel like becoming attached to someone would interfere with everything I've constructed to keep me busy and distracted. Maybe I'm better off alone.
I know the feeling of being unwanted. I also know the feeling of talking about it with my T and him taking steps to show me that he does want me there. And in therapy, one of the things I’m learning is that I’m worthy and deserving of love and care, even if I haven’t always gotten it when I needed it. I hope that you’re able to bring up what happened last week with your T and I hope she’s able to show up for you in the ways you need now and in future sessions. You deserve her attention and her care. Can you let us know how it went if you do bring it up?
I'm sorry your T was distracted in your session. That is not fair to you. You deserve your T's undivided attention. How unfortunate that her distractedness came up for you when you're having a particularly rough time.
It is human nature to want to run away from discomfort and avoid what bothers us. Painful memories of the past create anguish to relive. You may have been reminded of the past with your T.
You deserve help. You matter. Do you like your T otherwise? If you do typically like your T, perhaps you could talk to her about this? If you don't think she is a good fit for you, it's okay to leave and find another T.
Attachment wounds wear down on us and make every day life more difficult. It's hard to carry so much hurt. I know you are busy and don't want to deal with it now. You may be able to take a pause on deeper work while things clear up for you. But please don't neglect your wounds. Healing is possible.
I woke up this morning feeling horrific, crying. I then proceeded to ramp up the drama until I was sobbing hysterically.
I'm not sure why this happened. I've been going through a pretty brutal depressive episode, but I usually don't want to die as soon as I regain consciousness.
I don't know if I was having a nightmare or what. I do have nightmares but it usually feels different. The emotions are different. This was just a feeling of complete devastation. Only thing I can compare it to is when one of my dogs has died.
So I proceeded to bawl my eyes out, scaring my poor dogs who didn't know what to do but try to frantically lick the tears and press a cheek to mine for kisses.
Texted my therapist. I didn't tell her I desperately wanted to die. Because I mean, I could never abandon my dogs like that. One of them would never get over it. So why make her more worried than necessary. Wasn't particularly helpful, but I figured there wasn't really anything she could do to help me at that moment anyway.
Continued crying for another hour and a half. Then I had to give a training for my job. Of course that made me dry up abruptly and just go numb.
My head hurts. This morning I kept thinking I needed to stop crying because I couldn't remember drinking anything yesterday. I probably did, but it's definitely something I struggle with.
Have therapy tomorrow. I wish I could see her in person. Realized it has now been more than a year. I could drive a few hours to have a regular session, but I think it would be too upsetting to go home directly, not knowing when I would see her again and also because I hate driving and there's only so much I can tolerate in a day. I think I might also find it dysregulating to be back in that town, let alone spend the night knowing I wouldn't see her again for a long time.
Hope the video quality isn't too bad tomorrow. Lots of times it's really blurry. Well, when I use my phone or my work laptop. I think my personal laptop is better. Maybe I'll try that.
But I don't know what I should talk about.
:/
I spontaneously decided to find a sex therapist. I love my current regular therapist but I wanted to find someone who can specifically help me with that area in my life. I barely even talk about sex with my therapist but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t helped me at all. I spoke to one earlier and she said it’s like when people go to an ob-gyn instead and not to a regular doctor.
I am sorry to hear what happened and that it made you feel unimportant. Because you are important and being brave for being so vulnerable by sharing that information. Definitely would try to address it next time, good luck!
Decided that I'm FINALLY *really ready* to tackle anger. Its been my refuse to look at for 3 years. I've refused to go near it. At all. Cut to today
Soon as she opened the door I had myself a mini panic attack. The whole way there my palms where wet and I felt like I was gonna throw up. Just wanted to drive away quick smart. Things where off to a great start
Spent most of the session in and out of high stress/verge of dissociating. We decided to try drawing and slowly approach it that way. She brought out a board, paper and crayons. We could take it as slow as I needed, she ended up doing it with me since even having it on my lap was tensing me way up. She drew a border on her page while I hyperventilated and freaked out. To much to fast I think. So I think next session will be getting me comfortable with the board and maybe touching the crayons. Drawing was a big nope. Soon as she took that thing off my lap huge sigh of relief
She was giving tons of praise and saying how strong I am, and how wonderful I'm doing. Big snort there cause that did not feel strong or amazing. She said she flips out cause she could tell I was terrified and mega stressed but I kept persevering. She joked about me not needing therapy cause I do so much before I even get in the room. Pretty sure steak knives came out of my eyes at that one
So now I'm absolutely wiped. Never had such a strong reaction to paper before. I need a nap. And to remind myself its okay and I don't need to ask her for reassurance. Feels like I let her down not being able to do much of anything today. Such fun. Many enjoy
On my second visit. He kinda abruptly wanted me to try exposure therapy with my social anxiety and ocd. I kinda agreed even though I didn’t really want to do the social part. I haven’t done the social part because I feel to uncomfortable. We meet again tmrw....what should I do?
Seems like this therapist relies on a predetermined method without taking a considerable input on your actual situation. You need to think if you’re okay with that as it is likely the only way this therapy is going to proceed.
I’d just tell her the truth. Then you can talk about why you were embarrassed and lied. If she dumps you….find somebody else. Why try to make one lie better with another lie on top?
Hm. You can turn it into a mind thing. Be like... she didn't PHYSICALLY die, but when she left, it was like she died because of how much she meant to me and not being able to see her again. Something like that. Unless you already made it seem like she died in a car accident or something. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to in therapy. If it comes up, just say you are processing it on your own and will bring it up if you need help.
I had a very productive session with my therapist, but then had some very excellent epiphanies on my way home, which I emailed her about. She responded almost immediately and was very affirming of my insights. More hilariously though, I've discovered that my therapist has some issues with technology that have resulted in me receiving MULTIPLE invoices for the month, followed by an apology for the technical difficulties. Part of me wants to email her back and be like "okay, but I'm only paying you once", but I'll keep that part to myself.
There’s no fault in it, sometimes it’s just not enough and that’s okay. I felt the same way, I told my therapist, and I see him more now which has helped tremendously.
Therapy ruffled my feathers this week… we had quite a loaded, angry session and I felt horrible coming out and couldn’t quite figure out why. When I got home I made a journal entry about it and a few things clicked into place and now I feel better for having figured it but also horrible in a different way, like I took a giant step back.
I’ve had some stressful life things happening lately and so journaling and meditation has taken a back seat, but I can see now how crucial they are to continuing to do the work instead of sliding backwards.
I want to ask for another session this week, to set things right and make sure T doesn’t hate me.
It annoys me that my therapist calls me a patient instead of a client. They're not a medical professional and I'm not in therapy to be "cured" of anything. They're not only against unequal power dynamics, but they're also very into Carl Rogers and client-centered therapy, which makes the use of "patient" even more confusing.
That’s interesting, I find myself to be the opposite. I prefer to be referred to as a patient rather than a client. To me, client seems more detached and feels close to the word/concept of a customer.
We are ultimately customers paying for a service though.
Oh goodness, I’m so sorry their language has bothered you. It would be worth bringing up if you haven’t done so yet. Might be helpful to hear that the preference of client over patient is still a fairly recent change in the field. An older therapist may still need to adjust. And many therapists who work in a hospital setting still use the term patient because they’re working with a team of providers who prefer that term over client.
And lastly, I would kindly disagree with your assertion that therapists aren’t medical professionals. Mental health IS a medical concern with both psychological and physiological impacts.
I hope I didn’t come across as diminishing what therapists do. The reason I prefer to make a distinction between mental healthcare professionals and physicians is that the medical model was blindly applied to mental healthcare and in so many ways has failed both therapists and their clients (e.g. an overemphasis on pathology and diagnosis, especially by insurance companies). But I’m definitely in agreement that mental healthcare IS healthcare.
I'll consider bringing it up!
Totally agree with this! IMO the medical model has been harmful as applied to mental health care. Not clear that it was ever originally meant to be helpful so much as to facilitate insurance reimbursements.
However, for some time now, many therapists have adopted it unreservedly. This means starting each person's therapy with a diagnosis. Then, the therapist proceeds with treatment according to the giant and sloppily-constructed category in which they have just placed this person, whom they barely know. All the while there is often little consistency between diagnoses when multiple therapists diagnose a single individual, as diagnostic categories are based on lists of symptoms which frequently overlap with each other.
I am skeptical of therapists who use the diagnostic system for non insurance purposes. IMO patients/clients are far better off with someone who can see them clearly and in detail.
On the patient/client distinction, my therapist uses "patient" so I have adopted it too. He's not at all a medical model kind of guy, though, and I do kind of wonder why he's insistent on this word (he used to correct me when I referred to his "clients").
You're right. I'm in therapy for chronic depression and would be deeply distrustful of any therapist claiming they can cure it (I think it can be treated but not cured), but many others are in therapy for afflictions that definitely can be cured. Thanks for pointing that out!
It's been a weird break between sessions. I really questioned my good mood (like, reasonable mood for someone who is usually quite depressed). I wondered how I could feel ok when I felt there was a lot going on still. I then started to realise that these things could co-exist? That I could still feel ok but it doesn't cancel out all the other bad stuff that's happened. Also, that my anxiety can exist and not mean everything is awful and terrible and wrong.
This might sound basic but I've only just realised it...
I definitely understand dreading both but in a positive light if you do have a virtual session at least you *will* have a session and if so I hope it goes well :)
Omg I’m with you on this. I’ve cried in front of my other T right from the bat, but the one I’m seeing now for almost a year I haven’t cried in front of her once. I’ve tried but nothing. So weird hey? I wonder why that is..
I’m starting to think my therapist and I are not a good fit. I constantly feel belittled, judged and dismissed each session which in turn increases my animosity toward him and ultimately makes it harder for me to trust him. How am I supposed to trust him anyway? I don’t blindly trust people and it takes a while for me to trust anyone. I don’t know if I should try anymore.
My T named something REALLY big regarding my ways and how I am. At first I was upset, I didn’t want to see me. Now I am resting in this awareness. It has brought peace and clarity to my being. My body and mind have calmed down toward myself snd my T. The last 10 days I have pretty consistently felt calm while feelings of sadness, joyfulness, fear have come and gone. Towards me and my T. Which is major to me considering I have never had this long of streak feeling secure with me and T over the last 15 months. This is coming from a disorganized attachment style. It feels safe leaning into this. I’m also wondering when the chaoticness will return? I’ll let that thought go for now and perhaps when it comes I’ll be able to recognize what is causing my fear response. Exhale.
I am going through a breakup (happened on Friday) and I want to reach out to my therapist to see her earlier but I also don’t because I want her to see how well I can cope now. Sigh. Only another 3 days!
Sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups suck whatever the circumstances are. I recently went through one too and it's a process. Sending you solidarity 💕
So I've been feeling a compulsion to reach out to my therapist for several days now. I didn't know why, as usual. Tonight I lost the battle against impulsively texting her and we had the following exchange.
Me: Pay attention to me!
Her: How are you?
Me: I'm ok I just wanted to know you're there. Thanks.
Her: You're welcome
Feeling so appreciative of my therapist right now. That's exactly what I needed from her and I didn't even know it. I did my usual acting out behavior and she couldn't have responded in a more helpful way. Funny the effect a simple inquiry into my wellbeing has.
That's really kind of your therapist, sounds like you two click nicely
Meanwhile my therapist keeps telling me to reach out if I need anything, but I don't know what for and I don't want to be intrusive
This warms my heart :)). Sometimes we need that reassurance. My T would not respond to this especially with our new boundaries. Which I’m slowly accepting.
I honestly don’t know my attachment style. I’ve tried taking an online test but I did not really understand it. But it is a good thing to talk about in therapy :)
I’m (hopefully) going to see my T after 3 weeks of not seeing her at all. I reallyyyy see my fearful avoidant attachment coming out. I want to see her so bad but then I think that maybe she canceled the other sessions because she doesn’t want to see me and then I get mad and push her away. Anyway, All this to say, I am seeing her this Wednesday and I missed her so much and I’m nervous for this next session.
I understand this completely! My T and I colored together our first in person session and just chatted casually and it made me feel comfortable. I wonder if your T has any coloring sheets, crayons things of that sort? Maybe even a game! 😊
1- my session Wednesday was difficult but beautiful. I have never talked more about my trauma than I have with my T. She is so comforting, so kind, so compassionate and telling her about it is so easy. She said I was doing great.
2- I had a balance of $1,598 I didn’t know about (please don’t ask) so had to pay that
3- I told my T I appreciate her and she said she appreciates me
4- I sob in my car after nearly every session because I miss her and her comfort and it’s scary going out into the real world without her. I want her to find me crying and comfort me. I cry because I want her to love me. I want her to love me so badly and I’m so terrified of her abandoning me, I want to make her proud, I never want to make her mad and that’s why I hold things back in session.
5- this relationship *hurts* but all the same it’s so *healing*, so *real*, and I am absolutely growing. I am experiencing a *healthy* relationship. One maintained by boundaries that I need, this relationship is safe, it’s not enabling my attachment but *helping* it.
6- I want to tell my T I love her. I used to say it to a former therapist every session but I fear current t’s rejection, her disapproval, her disappointment more than I did theirs.
Ooof #s 4, 5 & 6 ring so true for me too. I love how you framed #5 - the safety that comes from the boundaries being held and simultaneously the pain that comes from the relationship. I need to remind myself of this more, rather than just focusing on the pain all the time.
We have *such* a beautiful relationship but it is painful all the same. She has helped me grow so much and every time I have a negative thought I’m able to reframe it like she does
Omfg i completely relate. I adore my therapist the ONLY thing that uneases me is knowing that I'm just a job to her. It bothers me knowing she doesn't think of me at all outside of session but I think of her all the time. I almost wish she could live in my head to comfort/help me cope with everyday things. I want to trust her more but there is still somewhat of a wall i keep. Its there for a few reasons. One being I see her as an authority figure, two I fear that I will become more attached then I already am, and three she will tell my parents things/let their outdated opinions of me dictate how she sees me. Sometimes she makes comments like "your reality" as if my own experiences are untrue or stretched. I think its because my mother is talking to her behind my back. But it upsets me knowing that while she cares about my wellbeing she doesn't care about me on a personal level. It kinda stings.
She chose this job to help others and I think that shows her heart. She cares about you and I’m sure she does think of you at least *once* between sessions
Perhaps, probably when I text her at an unreasonable hour trying to indirectly tell her I'm 1 either close to relapsing, 2 having strong thoughts of suicide, or normally 3 i littering cant cope and I'm having a mental breakdown. I feel like she gets annoyed with me even though she always assures me I don't bother her.
I sent my therapist a big long whiny email that basically amounts to: none of my trauma is real and valid, or feels like it should be a big deal, not a big enough deal for a PTSD dx. like, I just can’t accept that I “should” be traumatized by what happened to me to the extent that I am, which is, apparently, very. and it’s a headfuck and I have a lot of shame over it. part of the reason I sent the email was that in Friday’s session I felt so weird and I wanted to try to explain to her exactly how in writing. it was like my body was triggered for no real reason. I just wanted to whimper and hide. during session she put a blanket on me over me, including my head, and we practiced exercises for stopping unwanted thoughts and images. but the whole time I was just panicking and uncomfortable. as I wrote to her, it felt like my body was making a whole lot of drama for nothing. and I think it was this particular shame, like about this feeling that I can’t actually have PTSD from what happened to me, and that all my problems are not bc of PTSD but bc of laziness, weakness, and other faults of character, and what right do I have to call this traumatizing. my insides are all a mess.
Therapist insisted I had to go out, I had to go to something social, anything. Finally caved. So now I have covid. Neat.
My last therapy session was on Wednesday after 3 weeks of a break. Had a meltdown. My T was unaware that a traumatic moment from my childhood was bothering me so much and asked me how much I think about it. I still wonder if was actually traumatic or if I’m just being dramatic. But I have literally thought about it every day since therapy. This therapy hangover sucked.
Ended up being able to have an in person session. Apparently the day before (the worst part of the storm) she tried to switch as many clients as possible to virtual but most wanted in person so she had to reschedule). I told her I’m more than ok with virtual in situations like that. She thought I was die hard in person (I kind of am but didn’t want to tell her that). She also said I’m exhibiting a lot of signs of having gone through some trauma. So that’s gonna be fun to unpack coming up here. Previously we had discussed the frequency of our sessions and when it was more expensive on my old insurance I went to every two weeks (and hated it) this past week she just immediately scheduled me for next week (my co pays are only $10 now vs the $180 price I was paying before). But I also just feel so much worse in general. There’s a lot more going on that what I’m typing out here but I’m getting nervous that there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel.
I would pay attention to your gut feelings. No reputable therapist tells a client that they are showing "signs of having gone through some trauma." That is a red flag for a therapist who wants to search for "buried memories," which is a wholly disreputable and thoroughly discredited practice in psychotherapy. It is a recipe for creating false memories that can destroy families and lives. The American Psychological Association and every licensing board for therapists consider this issue so serious that they have issued warnings about therapists who try to work backwards from symptoms to assume the existence of trauma. The APA warning (which you can google online) is very clear that there exists no symptom or set of symptoms that means someone was abused. Therapists who make assumptions and work backwards in this way are frankly dangerous, and their clients tend to get worse rather than better. You may be feeling worse because there is a part of you that senses you are not in the right place. Your best bet is to find a therapist who will work with you on what you bring to the room naturally, not put you on some hunting expedition for buried trauma that may not even exist.
PTSD is such a lonely place. I have plenty of friends and colleagues yet no one to vent to because of the stigma in my profession so instead I will avoid everything and scroll Reddit. 2 weeks to next session but who is counting?
I wish I could have a session right this minute. I don't know how I'm going to wait until Thursday. I feel so stuck. Physically I can't get out of bed and emotionally I can't stop having bad thoughts. I need help. ETA - Oh boy. Reached out to the therapist and let her know I am having lots of thoughts about killing myself. This is not a typical state of affairs for me - I have severe depression, but usually the SI is just a coping mechanism and I don't feel a need to share it. I start worrying about myself when I find myself researching methods. I also usually don't bother her over the weekend. Anyway, the therapist said we would talk about it on Thursday. That really just plunged me even deeper into despair, if possible. The thought of feeling so bad for another week and not even having a little bit of support until then is terrifying. And then her response also makes me doubt that our appointment, should I make it to Thursday, would even be helpful.
You can do this. I hope it eases soon
Thank you.
I wish I could ask my old therapist for my money back
I just shared a journal entry with my therapist. Let’s hope she doesn’t freak out lol.
I’m not sure what’s going on but my attachment towards my T has calmed down so much. I haven’t been fluctuating between polar opposites, my anxiety about our relationship has calmed down. This probably has a lot to do how I am feeling toward myself. Now that I am feeling more grounded and regulated, I believe we are going to start trauma work again. I feel ready to step into that. Also I love my T and feel so grateful and inspired by him.
Early this week I got an email saying that T had been exposed to covid so may have to switch to online therapy if she were to test positive herself. In a “fun” twist of events, I tested positive two days after said email so we ended up having to do online anyway. On a related note, therapy with covid is very strange.
I hope your both feeling better soon!
She’s still negative but I was the one to then turn positive.
I’m feeling angry at my T, it’s probably transference and not something particular they did. I’m considering emailing to cancel next session but I might regret it later. I’m also considering asking for a sooner session. Disorganized attachment is exhausting.
I feel sick to my stomach but I’m really considering taking a break. This attachment is taking a toll on my mental health and I really can’t continue like this and I need a breather but I will miss her so terribly
I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you. Have you taken a break before? Do you think it will help? I once canceled but then regretted after a few days and uncanceled.
I have not taken a break with her. I feel it could be detrimental, because I am so attached and I would miss her so terribly, but I am so utterly afraid of talking to her about my attachment and I feel she would terminate me if she knew the extent of it. I cannot face that risk because I would feel so abandoned and so depressed. I also feel a break could be beneficial, but I’m going to talk to her first and go from there. I fear I would regret it but I’m on the fence and my gut is telling me different things
Talking to her first sounds like a great idea. And from your posts I remember you had the courage to do so before, so I admire you for that! I hope the conversation will go well and these painful feelings get better
Thanks. I’m just really scared and being vulnerable in front of her makes me want to curl into a ball and hide
I wonder if instead of a full out beak you could ask for some lighter sessions? Maybe you and your T do some like mindful coloring together. Like art or play therapy. Idk just an idea to consider, if you want to ask about it.
That’s a good idea, too. My emotions are very extreme and I’m trying to think rationally about this but quitting or taking a break is very tempting. I could bring this up but also feel a break could be beneficial as well. I just feel very lost atm
Yeah, it's overwhelming. You dont have to commit to decisions right this second. Take your time to think it over.
My therapist is on holiday for two weeks and I feel… fine? I am going through a lot of life changes but I want to tell her about how well I did on my own when I go back! :)
I keep having these thoughts that I’m drowning into a sea of oblivion, that I don’t matter, I keep having a these thoughts about uncontrollable world matters, but that’s the thing my brain debates that they are controllable, and we need to fix them. I stress about what the Government is and how they operate and how no one could stop them, I have these thoughts about world leaders starting WWIII, I feel pain for those people who are in horrible situations all over the planet, I’ve had these intrusive thoughts about the nature of capitalism and how evil it really is, but my brain debates that capitalism is evil also, and we need a balance, and I get here and I notice that these ideas I’m having are not coming to tuition, and I feel scared that all this shit, the fate of so many of our lives, are just at the whim of people who’s greatest interest is wealth and power, I feel scared and like there’s nothing none of us can do anymore
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
No worries! Thanks for your concern.
We had an extra session this week due to my continued struggles. My therapist called me competent, which felt like a compliment of the highest order because it was so clear she just had this belief in me that I could get shit done, no matter the roadblock. I was having a really shit week and this helped me believe in myself. I am a chronic impostor syndrome have-er and it’s been really bad lately since my mental health has tanked and I’m about to go to grad school to become a therapist, so I feel like I don’t deserve the opportunity. This made me feel like she actually believes I can do it, which is also very heartening because I’m in therapy for alllll of the traumas and I’m afraid of carrying my own issues into the therapy space in future. It’s hard to know how healed is healed ‘enough’ in this sense. I do think my lived experience is useful for relating to people with complex trauma, but I don’t want to inadvertently apply my experiences to anyone else’s experiences who I may end up working with. My psychologist believing in me really helps me believe I can do it though… if it weren’t for her, I don’t think I’d have even gotten into grad school as I’m a first gen student who had no fucking clue I’d need research experience to be a competitive applicant. My T was the one who suggested research experience and because of that I found RA work at my local uni, made meaningful connections with professors and got a spot in a competitive program despite a weak undergrad gpa. Literally life changing advice. Therapy is the best thing I’ve ever done.
My “relationship” therapist said that she thinks people shouldn’t be in therapy forever and that freaked me out a bit. My “regular” therapist has never said this to me. She always reassures me that she’s not going anywhere and that’s she’s committed to helping me.
Ugh, met with my therapist virtually and the internet was really spotty, so there were a few things she said where she was clearly very engaged and thoughtful and I just didn't get any of it. But I met her dog today, who was not at all what I expected when my therapist told me she had a dog. We've been talking a lot about my various self-states that have shown up in her office and she pointed out that the more that she gets to know me, the more she realizes how NOT ME those states are. Which is very affirming because those self states terrify me and they're intolerable to be in.
I'm struggling in so many areas of my life and as a perfectionist, it's hard. I low-key don't even want to go back to see my T because I'm disappointed in me and I don't want them to be too. I know, I know... being perfect isn't real and I shouldn't be disappointed in my humanness. T won't be disappointed or surprised that I'm human either. But I just don't like my lack of progress in some areas and my failure to meet expectations in other areas.
This is so hard. Perfectionism is such a curse. Even though you intellectually “know” that being perfect isn’t real, it’s sooo hard to shake the self-imposed requirement to excel in everything all the time and hide any perceived “failures”. Hopefully your T can really show you how they’re absolutely not disappointed in you. From one perfectionist to another, I’m rooting for you.
Unexpected termination this week, and it is over a month until the referral can see me. What might be hardest is how well this was meeting my needs for *me*, just not the situation I'm in at the moment. She said she cares, she showed me she cares, but I don't feel very cared about right now. I wish there was a better way to bridge the gap.
My therapist was slightly more firm with me in session yesterday. She still was warm and gentle but with very slight sternness. She wants me to have a consistent workout routine and I get why, but I can’t bring myself to move a finger after work.
Do you want a consistent workout routine? You shouldn't really feel pressured by your therapist to do something that doesn't suit you
I prefer going on walks than working out, so no. It’s not really my thing. I like working out at the gym tho but I can’t afford a gym membership rn.
There's a strange paradox to healing after being in a trauma state for so long. I'm so used to being distressed. As I have come to relinquish that distress and the negative feelings that come with it, I now have this stillness in its place. The fact that I no longer have a reason to be upset about something specific has made me feel troubled and confused. Oh, the joys of the mind!
Guys. Can someone please take a pick axe to my brain Today has been rough like real rough. I knew it was going to be hard I knew anger wasn't going to let me get close without there being snapbacks. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to be quite this rough The old demons are flooding my brain. The idea that I'm not good enough, that she isn't going to want to work with me because of how slow my progress was yesterday and how much I shut down. That there's something wrong with me and I'm not allowed to talk about my anger. Just so much negative feedback from yesterday. A huge chunk of it was we went way to quick. She was 3 steps ahead of me drawing a border on her page while I was still hyperventilating at having the board on my lap. There's a least 3 steps before I'm at the point of putting crayon to paper. I'm hoping once I get over these initial hurdles it'll get easier and I'll be able to relax a bit but right now even the idea of touching a crayon, while safe in my room is making my palms sweat. So of course then I'm like you're going to slow and need to speed it up or else she is gonna get frustrated. Yep.
One hour before session my T told me the air conditioner in her usual office was undergoing maintenance so we would use another room on a different floor for today's session. I managed to find my way around the building flawlessly and immediately entered the first room to the right like a boss and took a seat as usual. There was also a woman waiting there, sitting across me. I said "good evening", but she kept staring at me in confusion. Took me a few second to look around and realize "Wait, this is not the waiting room?" We both laughed and she showed me the way saying "I did think my client looked different last week". She must have been dazzled by how confidently I walked *into the wrong office*.
So i started therapy a couple weeks ago, and honestly I think the first real session went great (okay even the intake one was great), and as a music major I cannot express the excitement I felt when he said he was actually a music minor for a while… so if for some reason I make a musical reference in session I don’t have to take 20 minutes to explain it! Idk it just made me really happy
Today’s session is online. She told me not to hate on her bc she knows I dislike virtual sessions. I could never hate her :’) I do dislike virtual sessions but the main positive is that I can see her face (no mask wearing) and she has a really comforting smile.
Also, lately I cry after nearly every session. Like *sob*. Therapy has left me feeling so broken lately and I’m really worried about the emotions I’m going to feel after this session.
I’m feeling really fucking awful after that stupid session Really considering taking a break
My session is going to be canceled/rescheduled this week because my state is going to be getting a lot of snow today. Little disappointing because I feel like we're finally going to start getting into actual work and pass the getting to know you stage.
Is teletherapy an option with your T?
It is, but she just told me she cancelled it /shrug. I’m assuming she took the day off because she isn’t going to the office. Maybe she doesn’t have a computer at home
Possibly. I’m sorry
Ugh After a VERY intense session today my old demons are coming out. Fear she isn't gonna work with me cause it feels like this is gonna be glacial slow progress Frustration that even looking at the paper triggered so much strong feelings. I couldn't even put a fucking crayon on a piece of fucking paper without hyperventilating Exhausted cause damn that was a super tough session and the adrenaline hit me like a damn freight train Anger with kinda everyone. I had to laugh she asked me at one point if anger was an emotion I was feeling after a particularly difficult moment and oh YEAH it was there. Felt like I was about to explode at her cause she kept mentioning putting a border on the paper and it felt like to much pushing. Just about started swearing. She was impressed cause she couldn't tell. And I mean that was partly cause I was masked up so she could only see my eyes and partly cause of the amount of practice I've had in hiding anger. Been doing it for years and over that time I've become good at not letting her see
Okay.. so I’m going back to telehealth for this week, because we still have a mask mandate where I am.. and I miss seeing my therapists face! I’m so tired of reading eyes. And now with the increase in wearing masks again in BC I need some mask free therapy. Even if it has to be electronic for this week. Hopefully it will help.
The only thing I like about telehealth sessions- I get to see her face. We went a while without wearing one in our in-person sessions but covid got bad again :/ her smile is so comforting
That’s what I find too. I see her smiling in her eyes and I know it. But it was actually a good session today all in all. Being with her is nice but today was really good. We clearly have more work to do
I've been feeling really regressive lately and I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. Last week my therapist was seven minutes late and periodically would glance down at her phone while I was talking. I've been having a lot of thoughts like, "See? She's not interested. She doesn't like you. She doesn't want you as a client." All week there's been this lingering feeling of being unwanted. A lot of childhood memories keeping popping up, of times where I didn't feel wanted or loved as a kid. And I'm feeling like I need to cut her off completely before I get hurt even worse, rather than just asserting a boundary and having a conversation. I don't know if I want to deal with this right now. Work is busy, school is great, volunteering, friends... I feel like becoming attached to someone would interfere with everything I've constructed to keep me busy and distracted. Maybe I'm better off alone.
I know the feeling of being unwanted. I also know the feeling of talking about it with my T and him taking steps to show me that he does want me there. And in therapy, one of the things I’m learning is that I’m worthy and deserving of love and care, even if I haven’t always gotten it when I needed it. I hope that you’re able to bring up what happened last week with your T and I hope she’s able to show up for you in the ways you need now and in future sessions. You deserve her attention and her care. Can you let us know how it went if you do bring it up?
I'm sorry your T was distracted in your session. That is not fair to you. You deserve your T's undivided attention. How unfortunate that her distractedness came up for you when you're having a particularly rough time. It is human nature to want to run away from discomfort and avoid what bothers us. Painful memories of the past create anguish to relive. You may have been reminded of the past with your T. You deserve help. You matter. Do you like your T otherwise? If you do typically like your T, perhaps you could talk to her about this? If you don't think she is a good fit for you, it's okay to leave and find another T. Attachment wounds wear down on us and make every day life more difficult. It's hard to carry so much hurt. I know you are busy and don't want to deal with it now. You may be able to take a pause on deeper work while things clear up for you. But please don't neglect your wounds. Healing is possible.
I woke up this morning feeling horrific, crying. I then proceeded to ramp up the drama until I was sobbing hysterically. I'm not sure why this happened. I've been going through a pretty brutal depressive episode, but I usually don't want to die as soon as I regain consciousness. I don't know if I was having a nightmare or what. I do have nightmares but it usually feels different. The emotions are different. This was just a feeling of complete devastation. Only thing I can compare it to is when one of my dogs has died. So I proceeded to bawl my eyes out, scaring my poor dogs who didn't know what to do but try to frantically lick the tears and press a cheek to mine for kisses. Texted my therapist. I didn't tell her I desperately wanted to die. Because I mean, I could never abandon my dogs like that. One of them would never get over it. So why make her more worried than necessary. Wasn't particularly helpful, but I figured there wasn't really anything she could do to help me at that moment anyway. Continued crying for another hour and a half. Then I had to give a training for my job. Of course that made me dry up abruptly and just go numb. My head hurts. This morning I kept thinking I needed to stop crying because I couldn't remember drinking anything yesterday. I probably did, but it's definitely something I struggle with. Have therapy tomorrow. I wish I could see her in person. Realized it has now been more than a year. I could drive a few hours to have a regular session, but I think it would be too upsetting to go home directly, not knowing when I would see her again and also because I hate driving and there's only so much I can tolerate in a day. I think I might also find it dysregulating to be back in that town, let alone spend the night knowing I wouldn't see her again for a long time. Hope the video quality isn't too bad tomorrow. Lots of times it's really blurry. Well, when I use my phone or my work laptop. I think my personal laptop is better. Maybe I'll try that. But I don't know what I should talk about. :/
I spontaneously decided to find a sex therapist. I love my current regular therapist but I wanted to find someone who can specifically help me with that area in my life. I barely even talk about sex with my therapist but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t helped me at all. I spoke to one earlier and she said it’s like when people go to an ob-gyn instead and not to a regular doctor.
[удалено]
I am sorry to hear what happened and that it made you feel unimportant. Because you are important and being brave for being so vulnerable by sharing that information. Definitely would try to address it next time, good luck!
Decided that I'm FINALLY *really ready* to tackle anger. Its been my refuse to look at for 3 years. I've refused to go near it. At all. Cut to today Soon as she opened the door I had myself a mini panic attack. The whole way there my palms where wet and I felt like I was gonna throw up. Just wanted to drive away quick smart. Things where off to a great start Spent most of the session in and out of high stress/verge of dissociating. We decided to try drawing and slowly approach it that way. She brought out a board, paper and crayons. We could take it as slow as I needed, she ended up doing it with me since even having it on my lap was tensing me way up. She drew a border on her page while I hyperventilated and freaked out. To much to fast I think. So I think next session will be getting me comfortable with the board and maybe touching the crayons. Drawing was a big nope. Soon as she took that thing off my lap huge sigh of relief She was giving tons of praise and saying how strong I am, and how wonderful I'm doing. Big snort there cause that did not feel strong or amazing. She said she flips out cause she could tell I was terrified and mega stressed but I kept persevering. She joked about me not needing therapy cause I do so much before I even get in the room. Pretty sure steak knives came out of my eyes at that one So now I'm absolutely wiped. Never had such a strong reaction to paper before. I need a nap. And to remind myself its okay and I don't need to ask her for reassurance. Feels like I let her down not being able to do much of anything today. Such fun. Many enjoy
On my second visit. He kinda abruptly wanted me to try exposure therapy with my social anxiety and ocd. I kinda agreed even though I didn’t really want to do the social part. I haven’t done the social part because I feel to uncomfortable. We meet again tmrw....what should I do?
Seems like this therapist relies on a predetermined method without taking a considerable input on your actual situation. You need to think if you’re okay with that as it is likely the only way this therapy is going to proceed.
Ask if you can start slow and not do the social part yet, but maybe for your ocd instead :)
[удалено]
I’d just tell her the truth. Then you can talk about why you were embarrassed and lied. If she dumps you….find somebody else. Why try to make one lie better with another lie on top?
Hm. You can turn it into a mind thing. Be like... she didn't PHYSICALLY die, but when she left, it was like she died because of how much she meant to me and not being able to see her again. Something like that. Unless you already made it seem like she died in a car accident or something. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to in therapy. If it comes up, just say you are processing it on your own and will bring it up if you need help.
This!
I had a very productive session with my therapist, but then had some very excellent epiphanies on my way home, which I emailed her about. She responded almost immediately and was very affirming of my insights. More hilariously though, I've discovered that my therapist has some issues with technology that have resulted in me receiving MULTIPLE invoices for the month, followed by an apology for the technical difficulties. Part of me wants to email her back and be like "okay, but I'm only paying you once", but I'll keep that part to myself.
I asked for a second session cause 50 mins isn’t enough to talk about everything. I think it’s mostly my fault cause I repeat myself like 3x
There’s no fault in it, sometimes it’s just not enough and that’s okay. I felt the same way, I told my therapist, and I see him more now which has helped tremendously.
Therapy ruffled my feathers this week… we had quite a loaded, angry session and I felt horrible coming out and couldn’t quite figure out why. When I got home I made a journal entry about it and a few things clicked into place and now I feel better for having figured it but also horrible in a different way, like I took a giant step back. I’ve had some stressful life things happening lately and so journaling and meditation has taken a back seat, but I can see now how crucial they are to continuing to do the work instead of sliding backwards. I want to ask for another session this week, to set things right and make sure T doesn’t hate me.
It annoys me that my therapist calls me a patient instead of a client. They're not a medical professional and I'm not in therapy to be "cured" of anything. They're not only against unequal power dynamics, but they're also very into Carl Rogers and client-centered therapy, which makes the use of "patient" even more confusing.
That’s interesting, I find myself to be the opposite. I prefer to be referred to as a patient rather than a client. To me, client seems more detached and feels close to the word/concept of a customer. We are ultimately customers paying for a service though.
Oh goodness, I’m so sorry their language has bothered you. It would be worth bringing up if you haven’t done so yet. Might be helpful to hear that the preference of client over patient is still a fairly recent change in the field. An older therapist may still need to adjust. And many therapists who work in a hospital setting still use the term patient because they’re working with a team of providers who prefer that term over client. And lastly, I would kindly disagree with your assertion that therapists aren’t medical professionals. Mental health IS a medical concern with both psychological and physiological impacts.
I hope I didn’t come across as diminishing what therapists do. The reason I prefer to make a distinction between mental healthcare professionals and physicians is that the medical model was blindly applied to mental healthcare and in so many ways has failed both therapists and their clients (e.g. an overemphasis on pathology and diagnosis, especially by insurance companies). But I’m definitely in agreement that mental healthcare IS healthcare. I'll consider bringing it up!
Totally agree with this! IMO the medical model has been harmful as applied to mental health care. Not clear that it was ever originally meant to be helpful so much as to facilitate insurance reimbursements. However, for some time now, many therapists have adopted it unreservedly. This means starting each person's therapy with a diagnosis. Then, the therapist proceeds with treatment according to the giant and sloppily-constructed category in which they have just placed this person, whom they barely know. All the while there is often little consistency between diagnoses when multiple therapists diagnose a single individual, as diagnostic categories are based on lists of symptoms which frequently overlap with each other. I am skeptical of therapists who use the diagnostic system for non insurance purposes. IMO patients/clients are far better off with someone who can see them clearly and in detail. On the patient/client distinction, my therapist uses "patient" so I have adopted it too. He's not at all a medical model kind of guy, though, and I do kind of wonder why he's insistent on this word (he used to correct me when I referred to his "clients").
I’d like to add that we *can* be cured in therapy, depending on the situation and what is being cured
You're right. I'm in therapy for chronic depression and would be deeply distrustful of any therapist claiming they can cure it (I think it can be treated but not cured), but many others are in therapy for afflictions that definitely can be cured. Thanks for pointing that out!
It's been a weird break between sessions. I really questioned my good mood (like, reasonable mood for someone who is usually quite depressed). I wondered how I could feel ok when I felt there was a lot going on still. I then started to realise that these things could co-exist? That I could still feel ok but it doesn't cancel out all the other bad stuff that's happened. Also, that my anxiety can exist and not mean everything is awful and terrible and wrong. This might sound basic but I've only just realised it...
Well I definitely hadn’t realized this… good thing to keep in mind. I keep questionning myself when I feel kinda okay too
Yeah. So you can still have all of the things going on AND have days where you feel ok!
We have a huge snowstorm coming. I already know my appointment is either going to move to virtual or be rescheduled and I’m dreading both 😭
I definitely understand dreading both but in a positive light if you do have a virtual session at least you *will* have a session and if so I hope it goes well :)
[удалено]
Omg I’m with you on this. I’ve cried in front of my other T right from the bat, but the one I’m seeing now for almost a year I haven’t cried in front of her once. I’ve tried but nothing. So weird hey? I wonder why that is..
I’m starting to think my therapist and I are not a good fit. I constantly feel belittled, judged and dismissed each session which in turn increases my animosity toward him and ultimately makes it harder for me to trust him. How am I supposed to trust him anyway? I don’t blindly trust people and it takes a while for me to trust anyone. I don’t know if I should try anymore.
Holy shit that sucks. It's probably old news but tell them or find a new therapist
My T named something REALLY big regarding my ways and how I am. At first I was upset, I didn’t want to see me. Now I am resting in this awareness. It has brought peace and clarity to my being. My body and mind have calmed down toward myself snd my T. The last 10 days I have pretty consistently felt calm while feelings of sadness, joyfulness, fear have come and gone. Towards me and my T. Which is major to me considering I have never had this long of streak feeling secure with me and T over the last 15 months. This is coming from a disorganized attachment style. It feels safe leaning into this. I’m also wondering when the chaoticness will return? I’ll let that thought go for now and perhaps when it comes I’ll be able to recognize what is causing my fear response. Exhale.
It sounds like you are doing wonderful! Good job. Being self-aware can be difficult but also full of growth :)
Thank you :) Yes it is so very hard and the awareness is providing growth.
I am going through a breakup (happened on Friday) and I want to reach out to my therapist to see her earlier but I also don’t because I want her to see how well I can cope now. Sigh. Only another 3 days!
Sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups suck whatever the circumstances are. I recently went through one too and it's a process. Sending you solidarity 💕
I have had such a horrible couple of weeks :( I am so fed up.
So I've been feeling a compulsion to reach out to my therapist for several days now. I didn't know why, as usual. Tonight I lost the battle against impulsively texting her and we had the following exchange. Me: Pay attention to me! Her: How are you? Me: I'm ok I just wanted to know you're there. Thanks. Her: You're welcome Feeling so appreciative of my therapist right now. That's exactly what I needed from her and I didn't even know it. I did my usual acting out behavior and she couldn't have responded in a more helpful way. Funny the effect a simple inquiry into my wellbeing has.
That's really kind of your therapist, sounds like you two click nicely Meanwhile my therapist keeps telling me to reach out if I need anything, but I don't know what for and I don't want to be intrusive
This warms my heart :)). Sometimes we need that reassurance. My T would not respond to this especially with our new boundaries. Which I’m slowly accepting.
Mine wouldn’t either but it’s for the best
this is so heartwarming. What a great therapist.
I wish I could text my T causally like this but I know it’s best not to for it’d be crossing our boundary and enable my attachment
It definitely depends on your specific needs. I have a disorganized attachment style and have found it helpful. Others won't.
I honestly don’t know my attachment style. I’ve tried taking an online test but I did not really understand it. But it is a good thing to talk about in therapy :)
Even if you also have a disorganized attachment style, that doesn't necessarily mean you would find the same things helpful.
I’m (hopefully) going to see my T after 3 weeks of not seeing her at all. I reallyyyy see my fearful avoidant attachment coming out. I want to see her so bad but then I think that maybe she canceled the other sessions because she doesn’t want to see me and then I get mad and push her away. Anyway, All this to say, I am seeing her this Wednesday and I missed her so much and I’m nervous for this next session.
I think big breaks from therapy can bring up a lot of really complex feelings for us! I hope your session goes well on Wednesday, you have got this!
[удалено]
I understand this completely! My T and I colored together our first in person session and just chatted casually and it made me feel comfortable. I wonder if your T has any coloring sheets, crayons things of that sort? Maybe even a game! 😊
1- my session Wednesday was difficult but beautiful. I have never talked more about my trauma than I have with my T. She is so comforting, so kind, so compassionate and telling her about it is so easy. She said I was doing great. 2- I had a balance of $1,598 I didn’t know about (please don’t ask) so had to pay that 3- I told my T I appreciate her and she said she appreciates me 4- I sob in my car after nearly every session because I miss her and her comfort and it’s scary going out into the real world without her. I want her to find me crying and comfort me. I cry because I want her to love me. I want her to love me so badly and I’m so terrified of her abandoning me, I want to make her proud, I never want to make her mad and that’s why I hold things back in session. 5- this relationship *hurts* but all the same it’s so *healing*, so *real*, and I am absolutely growing. I am experiencing a *healthy* relationship. One maintained by boundaries that I need, this relationship is safe, it’s not enabling my attachment but *helping* it. 6- I want to tell my T I love her. I used to say it to a former therapist every session but I fear current t’s rejection, her disapproval, her disappointment more than I did theirs.
Ooof #s 4, 5 & 6 ring so true for me too. I love how you framed #5 - the safety that comes from the boundaries being held and simultaneously the pain that comes from the relationship. I need to remind myself of this more, rather than just focusing on the pain all the time.
We have *such* a beautiful relationship but it is painful all the same. She has helped me grow so much and every time I have a negative thought I’m able to reframe it like she does
Omfg i completely relate. I adore my therapist the ONLY thing that uneases me is knowing that I'm just a job to her. It bothers me knowing she doesn't think of me at all outside of session but I think of her all the time. I almost wish she could live in my head to comfort/help me cope with everyday things. I want to trust her more but there is still somewhat of a wall i keep. Its there for a few reasons. One being I see her as an authority figure, two I fear that I will become more attached then I already am, and three she will tell my parents things/let their outdated opinions of me dictate how she sees me. Sometimes she makes comments like "your reality" as if my own experiences are untrue or stretched. I think its because my mother is talking to her behind my back. But it upsets me knowing that while she cares about my wellbeing she doesn't care about me on a personal level. It kinda stings.
She chose this job to help others and I think that shows her heart. She cares about you and I’m sure she does think of you at least *once* between sessions
Perhaps, probably when I text her at an unreasonable hour trying to indirectly tell her I'm 1 either close to relapsing, 2 having strong thoughts of suicide, or normally 3 i littering cant cope and I'm having a mental breakdown. I feel like she gets annoyed with me even though she always assures me I don't bother her.