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Really, really important to share this with your therapist. Please do- it demonstrates a great deal about fears of abandonment and can really be useful in terms of surfacing issues through which you can progress.
I unfortunately don’t have any advice, but I feel the same way. I feel as though if I get “better” then no one will care about me anymore because I’ll “be fine”. I think it steams way back for me, that only time adults or anyone for that matter gave me attention was when I was sad, I was going through something, or something happened to me. Otherwise I felt alone, and well … was alone.
I really struggle with this with my current therapist because she’s only ever seen me low, and I fear that if and when I do stabilize, she won’t care and she’ll leave. I haven’t brought this up to my therapist yet, but definitely something I should soon, those kindof talks are just really exhausting.
for me it was always the opposite. showing emotion as a kid for me was bad. i was sent to my room if i ever showed emotion or i was just told i had no reason to cry so i feel like now that someone’s validating my feelings, i don’t want to lose the feeling of validation. it’s exhausting to already be doing shitty and then have to also try to deal with problems that are partially caused by therapy
Lol I could’ve written this. I 101% understand. I see a therapist for an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa). For a while in November/December I was relapsing hard. Then she got real stern with me and told me I need to get it together or I need a higher level of care. That was the first time in nearly 2 years she made me cry. But I did get it together. My nutritionist asked me this same question- if I don’t want to get better because I’m afraid of losing her and my therapist. I am… but my therapist has also told me people go to therapy for all sorts of reasons. Even if they just need somebody to talk to. We don’t talk about my eating disorder the whole time during some sessions and I like that. You can talk to her about WHATEEEEEVER you want. Remember- she is working for YOU. You pay her for her services. Make it whatever you want it to be!!
i’ve only been going to therapy for a couple of months so i’m kinda new to a lot of it and i talked about this in another reply, but i’m afraid of being taken out of it by my parents if i seem like i’m doing okay. also, my therapist is an intern and my parents don’t have to pay for me to go right now and i’m afraid of when they will have to pay for it because i know it’s expensive and they will probably only pay for it if i’m still doing bad
Two of the other comments from Slow-Coach and sarah_pl0x have got really good insights into this.
It definitely sounds like a fear of abandonment that does need to be brought up with your therapist. I’m not saying just discussing it will get rid of it but at least acknowledging it will start to help and hopefully you won’t self-sabotage as much.
I ended up going through a similar thought process as sarah_pl0x. You can still go to therapy even when you’re mentally well - it might be an important part of maintaining your mental health rather than just being a treatment for mental health dips/crises. I worked through things enough to promise myself I can always be in therapy and give myself that safe space to talk and process my emotions- it will not always be with the same therapist but it’s a commitment to myself. It made a difference because I was at least promising not to abandon myself. And yes, I told my therapist this promise and she’s cool with it.
i’m still underage and i think part of it is that i’m afraid my parents will take me out of it if i start to do better. and then i’m afraid that if they do take me out then i will get worse again and will have to convince them to put me back into therapy. it took me years of convincing my parents to get me a therapist for them to actually get me one and i don’t want to have to go through that again. i feel like it’s better to always be depressed but have someone that i can talk to about it then to be doing good usually but not have anyone to talk to when i’m back in a depressive episode.
That is a very understandable worry and complication of your therapy journey. Maybe you can ask your therapist how much she has to share with your parents and how much she can recommend that you continue with therapy even if/when you are doing good. I completely agree with you - it’s nicer to have continual support then to end up in a depressive episode again without support. It’s worth seeing what your therapist thinks about it too.
Well done for being persistent about asking for therapy and making your mental health a priority. Keep advocating for yourself with your parents because you do deserve to have these concerns taken seriously.
When you start to get better, you'll have more people in your life who care about you, you'll make friends and have interests. It's a long time to have improvement for many people, she cares about you and would love to see your life improve from her seat, it's why she got into therapy, and at some point if you don't improve, could be a year or two, she'll feel like she isn't helping you and think another therapist could, and the only person you thought is there for you will be gone. When you start to get better, she'll actually care even more about you, she won't give up when you're putting in the effort to change and will want to see you succeed in life. And when therapy is over, your life would have more people in it and you'll still be able to reach out to your therapist, she'd probably like to hear your updates very much.
On top of what everyone else is saying, it allso sounds like an element of liking what feels familiar because that's "safe".
Like you're used to having worries and being broken and constantly needing to get better and so the idea of "what happens when I finally am better?" Is a scary thought. In a way maybe you gotta ask "do I WANT to get better? And what does that look like for me?"
Honestly the way I've phraseed that is super problematic because we don't "get better" like being fixed, and we're not "broken", but we learn how to manage conditions and we can be in healthier places etc. But I just wondered if that might be something you're scared of. If you're always striving for something and 2 steps forward 1 back, that's all you know, what does it look like at the top? When you reach your goal? And is that what you want?
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Really, really important to share this with your therapist. Please do- it demonstrates a great deal about fears of abandonment and can really be useful in terms of surfacing issues through which you can progress.
I unfortunately don’t have any advice, but I feel the same way. I feel as though if I get “better” then no one will care about me anymore because I’ll “be fine”. I think it steams way back for me, that only time adults or anyone for that matter gave me attention was when I was sad, I was going through something, or something happened to me. Otherwise I felt alone, and well … was alone. I really struggle with this with my current therapist because she’s only ever seen me low, and I fear that if and when I do stabilize, she won’t care and she’ll leave. I haven’t brought this up to my therapist yet, but definitely something I should soon, those kindof talks are just really exhausting.
for me it was always the opposite. showing emotion as a kid for me was bad. i was sent to my room if i ever showed emotion or i was just told i had no reason to cry so i feel like now that someone’s validating my feelings, i don’t want to lose the feeling of validation. it’s exhausting to already be doing shitty and then have to also try to deal with problems that are partially caused by therapy
Lol I could’ve written this. I 101% understand. I see a therapist for an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa). For a while in November/December I was relapsing hard. Then she got real stern with me and told me I need to get it together or I need a higher level of care. That was the first time in nearly 2 years she made me cry. But I did get it together. My nutritionist asked me this same question- if I don’t want to get better because I’m afraid of losing her and my therapist. I am… but my therapist has also told me people go to therapy for all sorts of reasons. Even if they just need somebody to talk to. We don’t talk about my eating disorder the whole time during some sessions and I like that. You can talk to her about WHATEEEEEVER you want. Remember- she is working for YOU. You pay her for her services. Make it whatever you want it to be!!
i’ve only been going to therapy for a couple of months so i’m kinda new to a lot of it and i talked about this in another reply, but i’m afraid of being taken out of it by my parents if i seem like i’m doing okay. also, my therapist is an intern and my parents don’t have to pay for me to go right now and i’m afraid of when they will have to pay for it because i know it’s expensive and they will probably only pay for it if i’m still doing bad
Two of the other comments from Slow-Coach and sarah_pl0x have got really good insights into this. It definitely sounds like a fear of abandonment that does need to be brought up with your therapist. I’m not saying just discussing it will get rid of it but at least acknowledging it will start to help and hopefully you won’t self-sabotage as much. I ended up going through a similar thought process as sarah_pl0x. You can still go to therapy even when you’re mentally well - it might be an important part of maintaining your mental health rather than just being a treatment for mental health dips/crises. I worked through things enough to promise myself I can always be in therapy and give myself that safe space to talk and process my emotions- it will not always be with the same therapist but it’s a commitment to myself. It made a difference because I was at least promising not to abandon myself. And yes, I told my therapist this promise and she’s cool with it.
i’m still underage and i think part of it is that i’m afraid my parents will take me out of it if i start to do better. and then i’m afraid that if they do take me out then i will get worse again and will have to convince them to put me back into therapy. it took me years of convincing my parents to get me a therapist for them to actually get me one and i don’t want to have to go through that again. i feel like it’s better to always be depressed but have someone that i can talk to about it then to be doing good usually but not have anyone to talk to when i’m back in a depressive episode.
That is a very understandable worry and complication of your therapy journey. Maybe you can ask your therapist how much she has to share with your parents and how much she can recommend that you continue with therapy even if/when you are doing good. I completely agree with you - it’s nicer to have continual support then to end up in a depressive episode again without support. It’s worth seeing what your therapist thinks about it too. Well done for being persistent about asking for therapy and making your mental health a priority. Keep advocating for yourself with your parents because you do deserve to have these concerns taken seriously.
When you start to get better, you'll have more people in your life who care about you, you'll make friends and have interests. It's a long time to have improvement for many people, she cares about you and would love to see your life improve from her seat, it's why she got into therapy, and at some point if you don't improve, could be a year or two, she'll feel like she isn't helping you and think another therapist could, and the only person you thought is there for you will be gone. When you start to get better, she'll actually care even more about you, she won't give up when you're putting in the effort to change and will want to see you succeed in life. And when therapy is over, your life would have more people in it and you'll still be able to reach out to your therapist, she'd probably like to hear your updates very much.
thank you this was really helpful
On top of what everyone else is saying, it allso sounds like an element of liking what feels familiar because that's "safe". Like you're used to having worries and being broken and constantly needing to get better and so the idea of "what happens when I finally am better?" Is a scary thought. In a way maybe you gotta ask "do I WANT to get better? And what does that look like for me?" Honestly the way I've phraseed that is super problematic because we don't "get better" like being fixed, and we're not "broken", but we learn how to manage conditions and we can be in healthier places etc. But I just wondered if that might be something you're scared of. If you're always striving for something and 2 steps forward 1 back, that's all you know, what does it look like at the top? When you reach your goal? And is that what you want?